comedy essay ideas

101 Hilarious (or Slightly Amusing) Comedic Story Prompts

Do you need some help conjuring compelling comedy ideas? Sometimes reading simple comedic story prompts is the easiest way to find them.

Most writers are often asked,  “Where do you get your ideas from?”  A majority of the time, writers find it difficult to answer that question.

We get our ideas from a plethora of sources — news headlines, novels, television shows, movies, our lives, our fears, our phobias, etc. They can come from a scene or moment in a film that wasn’t fully explored. They can come from a single visual that entices the creative mind — a seed that continues to grow and grow until the writer is forced to finally put it to paper or screen.

In the spirit of helping writers find those seeds, here we offer 101 originally conceived and hilarious — or at the very least, slightly humorous — story prompts that you can use as inspiration for your next horror story.

They may inspire screenplays, novels, short stories, or even smaller moments that you can include in what stories you are already writing or what you will create in your upcoming projects.

Check our our other story prompt lists here!

1. Two opposing football coaches from rival schools fall in love with each other.

2. A man is afraid of everything.

3. A mom is obsessed with wanting to be popular amongst her teenage daughter's friends and peers.

4. A past arcade game champion from the 1980s quits his job to travel the country getting high scores on classic arcade game consoles.

5. A world where cats and dogs rule Earth.

6. Mark Twain is transferred into the future to experience what life is like now.

7. Someone believes that they are an amazing athlete, but nothing could be further from the truth.

8. A character desperate for a job accepts a position as an interpreter, but can't actually speak the native language.

9. A bigot's soul is transferred into a minority's body.

10. An egotistical genius is suddenly stripped of their intelligence.

11. An unethical CEO of a superstore is ordered by the court to work a month as a cashier.

12. A cowboy is forced to work in the corporate world.

13. A male mermaid falls in love with a female castaway.

14. Mrs. Claus is forced to deliver presents on Christmas after her husband runs off with a stripper.

15. A janitor enacts hilarious daily revenge on the students that mock him.

16. A man finds a loophole to enter the Miss Universe contest.

17. A disgraced angel who hates humans is forced to live amongst them.

18. A mother and her teenage son switch bodies.

19. The world's unluckiest man.

20. An Uber/taxi driver picks up a doppelganger.

21. A world where everybody suddenly tells the truth no matter what the consequences.

22. A pastor is accidentally sent to Hell for a missionary trip.

23. A talented but laid-off chef is forced to take a job in a fast food joint.

24. A group of promiscuous high school friends decides to live like do-good virgins to win the heart of a new student.

25. What if Romeo and Juliet hated each other?

26. Someone dies, only to see that their childhood wish of returning to life as a dog comes true.

27. Someone that faints at the sight of blood becomes a vampire.

28. A man discovers that's he's actually a robot.

29. An alternate universe where adults are the children and kids run the world.

30. A man suffers from a strange mental disorder that forces him to communicate only through puns.

31. High school friends of the opposite sex vow to marry each other by 40 if they're still single — only to finally reunite at a high school reunion and discover they can't stand each other, but don't want to be alone.

32. A tone-deaf singer trying to make it as a performer.

33. An egotistical Dungeons & Dragons player wakes up within the world of their campaign.

34. Pranking gets out of hand in an office building.

35. A man finds any way he can to get his wife to divorce him — but none of it works.

36. A marriage counselor that has been married five times.

37. The world's worst beekeeper.

38. The world's worst soccer player that is only on the team because their father coaches.

39. An otherwise innocent priest is disenchanted with the church, quits, and decides to make up for lost time by sinning — but their conscience is making it very difficult.

40. The world's worst hunter.

41. The angel and devil on one's shoulders are actually real.

42. A man afraid of the water decides to confront his fear by visiting the world's biggest waterpark.

43. A man afraid of clowns decides to confront his fear by attending clown school.

44. A woman is literally afraid of her own shadow.

45. The country's funniest comedian decides to run for president as a joke — and wins.

46. The world of enthusiastic parents and coaches during a week-long soccer tournament.

47. A group of childhood friends reunites for their 25th reunion only to learn that each of them has undergone drastic changes in their genders and sexualities.

48. A character obsessed with Tom and Jerry cartoons is thrust into that world.

49. The son of a secret agent is nothing like his father.

50. A princess from another country decides to go incognito and attend an American college.

51. A prince from a male-dominated society comes to America.

52. The opposite of vertigo — the fear of being too close to the ground.

53. A woman has Sinistrophobia — the fear of objects to your left.

54. A millennial who can't detach from technology is forced to go camping.

55. A romantic comedy about two dogs that fall in love against all the odds.

56. Someone that hates horror movies because the characters make stupid mistakes is thrust into a world where those scenarios play out.

57. Dogs and cats, living together.

58. The frog that was turned into a prince turns back into a frog after the princess divorces him.

59. A millennial who can't detach from technology is transported to 1980s.

60. A hipster who wishes they could live in the simpler times of the 1800s gets their wish and realizes how hard that life really was.

61. A Little House on the Prairie fan wishes they could live in that world and realizes how hard that life really was.

62. A TV personality is a fake Shark expert on a Shark Week show.

63. A popular TV Chef that can't really cook is hired by the White House to cook for the inaugural ball.

64. An egotistical President of the United States decides to pull a publicity stunt for the upcoming election — he wants to be the first president in space.

65. A family wakes up to discover that their dog, two cats, and two frogs can now talk.

66. A family is transported to the land of Oz only to be mistaken as witches because of their smartphones.

67. Unappreciative twin brother and sister are transported into the bodies of their father (brother) and mother (sister) at their birth and get a taste of what it was like raising twins.

68. Unappreciative twin brother and sister are transported into the bodies of their father (sister) and mother (brother) at their birth and get a taste of what it was like raising twins.

69. Parents travel into the future to see what their children are like — and the results are not that great.

70. Grandparents welcome their six grandchildren for a week's vacation; only the parents never come back.

71. A group of children start an underground candy factory and run it like a drug cartel.

72. A group of soccer moms start an underground cupcake factory and run it like a drug cartel.

73. A bunch of bored fathers that binge The Sopranos decides to start a suburban mafia — but they are a far cry from gangsters.

74. A farmer decides to open a knock-off of Disneyland, complete with lackluster versions of Pirates of the Caribbean , The Jungle Cruise , It's a Small World , and many other iconic Disney rides.

75. The competitive world of belly flop competitions.

76. The competitive world of cannonball diving.

77. The competitive world of adult go-cart racing.

78. The competitive world of minigolf tournaments.

79. Neighbors living in Midwest suburbia decide to get into the lucrative world of internet couples pornography.

80. A white family wants to open up a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown.

81. A group of children obsessed with 1980s movies decides to remake the classics.

82. A group of children playing hide and seek in their basement discover old VHS tapes and have no clue how to play them — leading to an adventurous journey of mystery and discovery.

83. A middle school decides to run school elections like the presidential race and prove to the world how childish adults in the political world really are.

84. A grownup butt dials their childhood phone number. Guess who answers?

85. A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.

86. The world's worst fistfight between two suburban dads goes viral.

87. A world where humans evolved from sloths.

88. A white-collar prisoner does everything he can to return to prison when he's released at an old age.

89. A spoof of The Shawshank Redemption where the protagonist is an idiot that makes the most stupid mistakes and gets caught at every escape attempt.

90. The world's easiest prison to escape.

91. A hardcore rapper that actually didn't grow up in the hood.

92. A mom that has had enough of her spoiled children and husband plans a vacation for herself.

93. A man and his best friend, his dog, switch bodies.

94. A woman and her best friend, a cat, switch bodies.

95. A movie buff that is sick of body switch movies actually switches bodies with someone.

96. The competitive world of the Summer Redneck Games —classic events include the toilet seat horseshoe toss, watermelon seed spitting, mud pit belly flop.

97. The competitive world of Quidditch.

98. The world of Renaissance fairs.

99. The world of cosplayers.

100. A 25th high school reunion committee decides to do an adult prom, leading to mirrored drama from twenty-five years ago.

101. A blogger trying to concoct a list of 101 hilarious (or slightly amusing) comedic story prompts runs out of ideas when he reaches the end of the list.

Share this with your writing peers or anyone that loves a funny story. Have some prompts of your own? Share them through comments on Facebook posts or Twitter retweets!

Keep writing.

Ken Miyamoto has worked in the film industry for nearly two decades, most notably as a studio liaison for Sony Studios and then as a script reader and story analyst for Sony Pictures.

He has many studio meetings under his belt as a produced screenwriter, meeting with the likes of Sony, Dreamworks, Universal, Disney, Warner Brothers, as well as many production and management companies. He has had a previous development deal with Lionsgate, as well as multiple writing assignments, including the produced miniseries  Blackout , starring Anne Heche, Sean Patrick Flanery, Billy Zane, James Brolin, Haylie Duff, Brian Bloom, Eric La Salle, and Bruce Boxleitner. Follow Ken on Twitter  @KenMovies

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Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

——————————————————————————–

posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

—————————————————————–

How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

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Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

55 Funny Writing Prompts To Inspire Your Inner Comedian

Hands up if you’ve enjoyed a funny series or movie lately and hoped the writers were well-paid for their work? 

Laughter is good medicine.

So, think of the comedy writing prompts in this post as our contribution to making the world a healthier place.

If you love to make people laugh but you’re struggling to think of funny topics to write about , we’ve got you covered. 

The real challenge is deciding which prompt to use first. 

Funny Writing Prompts 

Enjoy this list of 55 funny writing prompts. And keep track of those that stand out for you. 

1. Write about someone trying to explain to a teacher that their dog did, in fact, eat their homework.

2. Write about two characters — with entirely different lives and personalities- switching bodies.

3. Write about a little boy accidentally switching bodies with his dad for a day.

4. Write about someone playing the perfect April Fools Day prank.

5. Write about someone who accidentally buys a fish that can talk — and it isn’t exactly polite.

6. Write about someone who is friends with a hero and a villain. They don’t keep this a secret, but it does make for some interesting conversations.

7. Write about a hero and a villain rescheduling their battle due to a scheduling conflict.

8. Write about a superhero whose greatest threat is their younger sibling.

9. Write an analysis paragraph that makes an ordinary object sound infinitely complicated.

10. Write a poem about Tupperware.

11. Write about the origin of an inside joke.

12. Write a story about someone who can’t stop saying what they think — much to the dismay of those around them.

13. Write a character with a personality based on your favorite song.

14. Write a comedy script about a food that you hate.

15. Write a story about a deck of cards coming to life. How do their personalities mix with each other?

16. Write about someone trying to escape the afterlife.

17. Write a story about a great historical figure learning how to use the internet. What do they find online when they Google themselves? Do they like it?

18. Write about a character who wakes up to find out the world is ending. Even stranger than that, everyone around them is celebrating.

19. Write a story that begins with the words, “Tuesday is always the worst day to rob a bank.”

20. Write about a woman who promised her firstborn child to several different witches. Now that a baby is on the way, she has to deal with a custody battle.

21. Write about a hero who accidentally falls in love with the daughter of their arch enemy.

22. Write about an alien race that believes ants are the most organized civilization on earth.

23. Write about Greek deities taking a class on Greek mythology. Which parts of the curriculum do they have issues with?

24. Write a story about Ares — the Greek god of war — getting trapped in the body of a preschooler.

25. Write a story about a chicken that accidentally hatches a dragon egg — much to the concern of the local population.

26. Write a story about an immortal who keeps finding increasingly creative ways to avoid the grim reaper.

27. Write about someone who takes up a career as a nanny. The adorable baby they’ve been hired to care for is, unfortunately, the antichrist.

28. Write a slow-burn love story that is narrated by a very impatient narrator.

29. Write a story in which the narrator hates the main character. This leads to lots of passive-aggressive side comments throughout the story.

30. Write a story that begins with the words, “Unfortunately, fire is not the solution to every problem.

31. Write a short story about a burned-out retail employee deciding to spend his last day messing with the worst customers. 

32. Write about a farmer who wakes up able to understand what the animals on the farm are saying — on the day he was planning to butcher some of them for food.

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33. Write a story about a famous Hollywood paparazzo who’s decided to retire and finds himself the object of unwanted attention (for reasons he’s about to learn). 

34. Write a story where you agree to house-sit a new “smart home” for a famous celebrity. Turns out the house is a bit glitchy. And it all begins in the bathroom.

35. You’ve just finished a string of speed dates and are preparing to spend the evening alone when your attractive new neighbor asks you to watch their pet rock. 

36. Write about a support group where members meet every month to discuss their mistakes and to “say anything.” 

37. Your cat wakes you up one day to let you know his kind have taken over the world. If you want to continue living, you’re now his “personal assistant.” 

38. The dogs of the neighborhood are meeting to build a resistance to the worst humans in the area. You follow your dog one evening and learn the truth. 

39. Write about something you should NOT have tried at home — but you did, anyway, with more or less predictable consequences. 

40. You buy something online and are so excited about the money you’ve saved — until it shows up. 

41. You’ve started a blog based on interviews with villains, and your first interview guest has just arrived at your agreed-upon meeting spot.  

42. Write a short story about a waitress who just dumped her boyfriend spending Valentine’s Day working at a restaurant, serving over-the-top romantic couples.

43. You’ve been holding it together, but when your grocery bag rips open as you’re crossing the street, something snaps… and you turn into a dragon. 

44. The pharmacy absent-mindedly packages the wrong prescription for you. Fortunately, the mistake isn’t fatal to you — but it does have consequences. 

45. Your new date drags you to a coffee shop that’s hosting local comedy routines, where you find, to your horror, that your oversharing dad is the main attraction. 

46. You’re answering an ad for a local “expert” who promises they can rid you of writer’s block for the rest of your life. The contract is unusual, to put it mildly.

47. After days of frustrating writer’s block, a breakthrough comes at the worst possible moment. And you can’t help yourself. 

48. You’ve just converted an old school bus into a mobile home to travel the country,  and after advertising for a traveling companion, you’re interviewing the top five. 

49. You’ve just finished a high-stakes version of rock-paper-scissors. You’re one of the “lucky ones.” 

50. Write a story that starts with “I hereby resign my position as neighborhood tooth fairy for the following reasons…”  

51. You’re at an open house for a property you’re looking to buy, and you hear a loud bang. You turn to see a plume of smoke rising from the garage next door. 

52. Write about an embarrassing moment that still makes you cringe when you remember it — but add a twist. 

53. You’ve decided to be a stand-up comedian, and the next day, you hear a laugh track every time you say something out loud. Was it always there?

54. You agree to a blind date only to come face to face with your arch-nemesis from school. 

55. You’re a superhero interviewing candidates for a sidekick position. One of your interviewees is your favorite barista, who also happens to be a supervillain. 

Now that you’ve looked through the whole list, which funny writing prompts stand out as your favorites? 

And how are you most inclined to begin your next story? 

• With a bit of dialogue?
• With a quick dive into an active disaster scenario?
• With a pithy summation of a lesson learned the hard way?

Think about how some of your favorite stories begin. Then commit to choosing one of these prompts today and making it your own. 

Which will you write about first? 

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200 Hilarious Writing Prompts to Jump Start Your Next Comedy Project.

Do you freeze up when someone asks you to come up with funny things? Are you out of ideas when it comes to writing a comedy skit , stand-up routine, funny blog post, or short story? If so, then keep reading because we’ve got just the thing for you.

In this article, you will learn about 200 hilarious writing prompts that are perfect for jump-starting your next comedy project. With these writing prompts in hand, you will be able to get your creative juices flowing so that the ideas keep coming. Use them as is or adjust them to fit your needs. Either way, they’ll give you something to start with so that your next comedy creation is not just another blank page.

“Do you remember when we used to sit up all night and talk and talk and talk about the coolest things? What happened, man? Why aren’t we still talking?”

“I want to believe.” was not the catchphrase of some obscure nerd, but rather my new way of saying “I need to become an astronaut.”

A bear, a car, a tire, a wheel and a turkey walk into a bar. Sounds a lot like the start of a joke. But it’s no joke when the turkey comes in shooting. And the only joke you get out of it is the one on your tombstone.

A centipede and a butterfly sit outside on a hot summer day playing cards. After a few hands the centipede puts down his cards and says….

A computer woke up in a new millennium, asked itself “where am I?” and answered “Negative Space.” God was not there.

A few of these prompts are more for free writing exercises than for actual stories, but either way they both have potential to inspire your creativity. If you have TONS of ideas flowing about your prompt, zip up your overalls and start writing! If you’re still looking for some fresh inspiration, don’t worry. You’ll be able to get a lot out of these so keep reading!

A Greek chorus of a dozen people stand behind you one by one and speak 2 lines. It is irrelevant as to what they say. It is merely the sound of their voices.

A journal between two friends, one who lost his wife in a car accident and one who has just admitted a one night stand after she told him she is starting to see someone else.

A lifeboat washed up with two skeletons in it. The First Skeleton popped out and grabbed his own pelvis. The First Skeleton’s pelvis didn’t belong to him. The Second Skeleton lunged out and said, “MY pelvis! Now!!” Your house was haunted by a ghost. You almost slept with a serial killer.

A man and a woman want to get married but a mutual need is preventing them from tying the knot for a closer life together.

A man went into a shop, asked for “six back scratchers.” Mentioned ticks. “Been bitten by a dog recently?” he asked. So he asked for a “pea shooter” to “blow all those ticks away.” He said this at an old-fashioned general store. They sold everything from guns and paints to “tack and feed.” “Geesh,” says Bob. “This puppy will blow every one of those ticks right out of their blood.” Lermontov Palmerrell was able to shoot all the ticks away with a pea shooter.

A New York caveman was trying to spelunk, but could not climb up because he had a belly. So he yelped as loud as he could…then a few minutes later, his buddy dropped him a ladder. That’s not real real, but so real it’s real.

A one-armed man is shooting dice with God. God always wins. The one-armed man does not understand why.

A pleasant stroll, or maybe a marathon run is what you usually experienced on your bike tour around your neighborhood and imagined on your couch in front of the TV.

A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde woman with green eyes are about to be executed and they’re out on the garden swing together one last time.

A running joke can be funny or strange and crucial– and, ultimately, mess with your readers’ minds. A running joke also makes your novel stand out in a memorable way. Could Eva repel the biker girls? Could she use lemons to do so? Maybe she could transform into a laser beam and shoot lemon beams at them!

A ship was floating in the water far below the mountains with hope in the captain’s eyes. Here it comes. One second. One…

A Silver Scoter is the most annoying bird in the world because even when it is dead people will throw it into a lake.

A story about a triangular obelisk made of mud-braken and mortar replaced with a different one, solely based on observation.

A subtle discussion of the differences between the dreaming of a historian and the degree to which a character in the fiction believes himself to be real.

A very hot summer day, as you laid your head on her lap, she told you a long, sad story which you never forgot. She was buried in a seaside grave, with her action figures never to be played with again.

A writer, reeling in self-pity over his lack of recognition, searches the nearby woods for some sign of recognition or even a single sapling with his name on it.

After nearly destroying his village, the Lazy Prince makes sure not to repeat the same mistakes again.

After reading these, breathe out or exhale. Still holding your finger against the key, remove your finger and look through them! Breathe out and then do this 2 more times. See what happens.

Ages and ages ago, in a galaxy far away, so long ago we didn’t even know when, back when King Arthur ruled Camelot there was a cobbler…

All of the writing prompts are effective because you have to get right to the point and remove any fluff from the description so you can tell a story in a creative and interesting way.

An astronaut landed and grew tomato plants. If he sees another astronaut do the same, what would he think?

An important lesson for all authors who wish to create scenes of tension – make your characters talk about the farthest thing from the trouble at hand.

An original fairytale about a handsome prince, damsel in distress and a white horse where the prince is the knight with a thousand faces.

And that was that. Abraham Lincoln had saved the country once again, thus realizing his mother’s dream of him becoming President.

And the following prompts are about more common submissions, and my feeling is that they did not deserve an accept, however funny stories.

Arthur was a child of fantasy and truth. Not often could he tell the difference, thus his name, which seemed fitting.

As Gary Larson did for comics, compose a hyper-stylized, exaggerated prose that mimics the surface qualities of a very different kind of writing.

As he drifted off, he pinched his wife’s leg until she hit him on the belly. “Hey!” she said. “That’s not a good idea.” He said, “I was swimming and my head fell off.”

At the murder trial, the prosecutor said that the victim had 30 stab wounds but bite marks showed that 42 teeth to be involved. The murderer confessed, but said that it was a “joint effort”.

But not everything can come from a strange world. Some ideas could also come as a part of a mundane world. Perhaps the bad guy from your story didn’t arrive by meteor, but crawled down the storm drain in your backyard.

Checklist, checklist. What’s something you need to make sure you don’t forget to do on a first date?

Choose people that you think are particularly familiar with someone who is close to you otherwise maybe a little bizarre.

Cold and brittle bark, the delicate touch and the delicate scent. Her hands and lips were mine. Hers and she would not be comforted.

Colonel Sanders bobbed up and down on a pogo stick. Do you think he shouted Colonel Sanders while he did this? Or was he just Colonel Sanders?

Declare pestilence on the previously killer garden gnomes that are now holding your neighbor’s son hostage under your stair step.

Deconstructing the pro wrestling persona – make the wrestler into a non-wrestler and tell why that character became a non-wrestler.

Desperately searching for what idiot lost your pet bunny. The little tyke was wearing an army helmet too. What was he training for?

Destiny doesn’t get out of bed for anything less than two million in cash. Or a really good bacon wrapped filet.

Dogs eat homework. It’s what they do. Period. End of sentence. The end. The era of the Thompson family.

Don’t forget to subscribe to my RSS or YouTube channel or newsletter above for updates on when more funny prompts come out.

During the Time of Gray, no one dared voice their true thoughts in public or in private. It took courage to gain new knowledge.

Einstein never wore greetings. Mohandas Gandhi never wore pants. Amelia Earhart never wore underwear.

Enjoy these and enjoy writing short stories! They are a great way to provide creative writing practice.

Ever walked on the sand and couldn’t find the water? Ever walked on water and not been able to find the sand?

Every action hero story needs a protagonist who needs help getting their suit on. What’s your story?

Every so often, Mr. Grant comes into the break room and does an impression of Clifford Pearson’s grandmother who answers the phone at her nursing home that badly, and you notice that Meeka is terribly upset.

Every time the narrator reached the turning point in a tragic story, cash prizes were shot out of a cannon.

Everyone can be silent and noisy at the same time. You just need to have earbuds that are plugged into your ears…

Everyone else is a redbird and you’re a robin. What happened, how can they all be redbirds and you be a robin?

Everyone from the outside expected you to have your life together. You weren’t to be concerned with anything. Little did they know, you were worried sick about one of the most bizarre things anyone could identify with.

Everyone thought you were Egyptian. But it turned out you were just a little black boy whose father was a dentist for the Egyptian royal family.

Exactly how it sounds—nonsense punctuation. Bold and italic letters if you prefer, use as many words as you wish, be as silly as you want… just make it nonsense.

Figure out a way to be the anarchist you wanted than shouted at by the powers that wanted to redefine the relationship between you and your government without dealing with any government involvement.

Fiona Smythe, a four year old lives whenever her father isn’t around. Once he’s blessedly gone, she transforms into her evil knock-off of Barbie. One afternoon, her father is just about to head out to a business meeting, so he asks her to give him a kiss for luck. The request, of course, makes Fiona sick. Instead, she tells him that Holiday Barbie will kiss him on the cheek instead of “dry rubbing her lips”. Disgusted, the father leaves. The audience expects this story to go down a typical road. But no, when Dad returns home a few hours later thinking he’d made a major business deal, the father is met with a post-it note which says, “I need a bigger attic”. It turns out that, for her “treat”, Fiona took a pretty BB gun and did some barrel racing with a broom handle. Thus, the note.

For a list of funny story prompts from a simplified list and fun exercises, just go to this page . The list is fairly comprehensive but they will prove very useful in terms of idea generation. You can also simply check out my Book, “From blank page to funny page.” and start writing today!

For the first time, the award for the worst fiction is awarded to Chuck Wiener. This is not a story about a man named Chuck Wiener, but rather is the story entitled, “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey.” “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey” will be printed on paper, and will surely be a literary success.

For the next 25 days, post a comment of interest that relates to one of your writing goals, trading spaces for other wants or wishes . Make it fact-based, funny or fiction. Maybe even all three.

Freeze time for 2 minutes. When the timer goes off, you’ll be one month older. What does the future hold for you?

Frodo realised as he walked down the final stretch of the yellow-brick road that it might not have been quite as easy as all that being the last ring bringer.

Give me this day my daily bread. Other stories stem from the imagination to list ideas. These exercises are fun, excitement and great ideas to use as a springboard for stories. It is all about stopping the gravity of your day. Making your creative mind float up into the clouds with no limitations. To create stories to amuse yourself and anyone who reads them. To write about whatever you like. To write about the people who really interest you. Nothing makes an awkwardly normal person observe and invent rather than someone who is a headliner. Invent your own direction of your story and drive a pit of obstacles. Keep your issues in mind but allow yourself to Spin the idea on its end and make it humorous and crazy fun. Just talking about writing stories can lead to a great idea or even a character for a story!!

Give your character an impossible list of tasks, ridiculous prerequisites, and insane hoops and twirls to jump through. Poetically portray humiliation, the extreme senses of frustration and despair, and/or autism.

Go inside your car and write. Give all the details – make it like no one else could have experienced this exact thing.

God gave you the job of calling all the shots. What happened to make you forget what He had put you on this Earth for?

Hansel and Gretel were lost, children’s bones were forgotten next to the four day old ash of the campfire.

Have a main character that works at a really bad job/preparing clear margaritas at the corner store for a buck.

Have the character use a ridiculously large amount of made-up jargon to describe a situation or event, single-handedly destroying the target’s self-esteem and worldview.

Have you ever noticed that after a person has died, everything in the house goes to the kids? Except for the dirty underwear in the underwear drawer.

Have your main character wake up to themselves having done something absolutely and totally different from your previous work.

He ran into the mead with a paper in hand. He was an author, not just a writer, but a famous…oh, never mind.

He wore a brown fedora and a black trenchcoat. He gave me a wide goofy grin as he drew a gun from his pocket.

Honest Abe’s Honest Axe repair shop is across from Honest Abe’s Honest Auto Salvage. It’s across from Honest Abe’s Honest Sporting Goods in a section of the city where there is little honest business. None of us are getting any younger.

Hope you’ve enjoyed these funny story prompts. If you want some more, let me know and I’ll post more funny story prompts!

How many Jifs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three! One to unscrew the world, one to screw the future, and one to screw the future back on. Or you could just add all your Jifs together…

I knew they were trouble when they walked in. A girl covered in tattoos, and a guy who resembled Johnny Depp.

I saw a cockroach skittering up your arm to your shoulder. Don’t be scared. I’ll grab it and put it outside.

I spent all night cleaning up blood from the lobby. It was hard to get out of the cracks of the floor.

I tried bondage, but you don’t get quite the same screams from younger women after removing their clothes.

I was born a beautiful baby. A beautiful baby in the ugly hospital in the ugly dying town on the dying planet.

If lightning bugs had leaders, they would all decamp to my front yard to live and play vigorously in my dark corners.

If you build a boat, will it hold up? If you build a raft, will it be water-tight? Are you looking out for me? Breathe. In depth. Exhale.

If you could go back in time and witness the birth of anything or anyone, what would it be? What would the circumstance be, what year would it be back to? Where would you be, …?

If you find a way to fulfill your wish or dream would you stop wishing or dreaming? Or would you make the most of it?

If you use somebody’s accent to the point where they can’t speak at all, and then they decide to just leave before killing you, is it okay to say Black tax, as long as you pay it, but don’t actually take a mason jar down from anywhere and hold it out for them to put a quarter in?

Imagine you’re at a job interview for a completely absurd job. What job explains everything that’s happened to you?

Imagine your laundry folder is a person. Cool, yet annoying. So you dump them out in a single heap and they jumble around like an angry drunk.

In a world where noses were big business, two men vied for dominance. One noseless and the other flawed…

In the firelight preparing dinner over a barbecue the beloved grandfather of the family takes a young girl’s hand in his own and says,

Interrogate your lawn mower. Praise him for launching the first successful lawn mower satellite at the feverish apex of his mechanical orgasm.

It has been said that the element of surprise is very important in horror novels. Surprise works extremely well and is oftentimes one of the most powerful tools in horror writing. The element of surprise will help pack a more powerful emotional punch.

It seems only yesterday we had a family of wolves, a family of mice, a family of mice that lived in a wolf, a bulldog and a cat that lived in a bank.

It’s a curse to be beautiful in this life… or was it an enviable blessing it brought wealth and fame…

It’s a tale with no meaning and no point– yet one that must be told elicits the most sympathetic response.

It’s not the same when you explain it to us, so explain it to the whores on the corner outside, the corner of forgotten children.

Junk was gold in California. People would pay top prices just to have back whenever they thought the world was about to end.

Just after his mother had died, he saw the apparition next to him with her arms outreached. Good thing it was seen through the webcam of his computer.

Later, the same boy pushed a goat down the school’s staircases. It’s safe to say he was suspended from the school for a solid week.

Let go of every single bit of sanity you ever had and go completely insane. Hold on to hope and don’t let go of it.

Look both ways before you cross. No one cares about the people or the dog that crosses against the light. If you want to stay alive, you need to know where they are.

Madness victims are happier than the sane, who just want to get fourteen hours of sleep in one night, without the disruption of yet another “loud noise scare”.

Make something funny out of reality. Maybe you want to make a laughing stock of yourself, or you might just want to share the humdingers of reality.

Make the reader think the story is going to follow a straight line, when, in fact, you’re going to take it on a sharp left turn.

Make the thread exactly the right size to fit through the hole, and then turn it one thousand times to the right as you enter the hole… from which things currently come out.

Mom and Dad always loved you best. You were the one they called on to make decisions and rescue them from challenging and inconvenient situations. Be careful…they may be the reason you’re in prison and can’t call your own family.

More great prompts for funny stories include awkward moments, suspicious adjectives, painful events, and first meeting. Once you’ve completed a funny story, share them with friends or family.

Most people are like Slinky. With every step they take, they lose a little bit of their sturdiness and gain a little bit more tually.

My co-worker saved the company from almost certain failure only to have his efforts called into question.

Nanai is a three-toed sloth who mainly feasts on prickly pear cactus to supplement his protein. He has been waiting for fair share solar panels from the energy company so he can stop eating cactus and start spinning his fiber, like many of the young sloths in his community do.

Never say die. Blasphemy? Ten years in prison. No trials, no innocent before proven guilty. Just burn ’em! Burn ’em!

No one ever suspected the minister was actually a serial killer. But the numbers just didn’t add up….

No one ever went into the old meat processing plant since it closed twenty years ago. But one day someone noticed and followed the little trail of steam coming from the roof. When they got to it they were shocked. The smell of meat and fresh blood made them gag. What they saw was hard to believe at first. What they saw made them vomit. You see, the factory was now run by mad scientist cooks. They use meat that people use to buy. It doesn’t come from there. What they cook is so good people can’t resist the smell. Their main item is called Fainiburger. It is so good it is supposed to change from a gas to a solid. Fainiburger is rolled out into a tent where people buy it to go. People were buying all the meat they could get their hands on. It’s a family operated business that parents love to cater businesses with for birthdays, weddings, you name it. It’s just so popular people can’t get enough.

No one was sure if his mother was pushing the boundaries of time, space, and his mouth just to hear him scream.

One of these days is sadly about to be your last. Unless you can think up a quick and clever ending.

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you. — Slight variation on the above creepypasta prompt, “Five Tries Not to Wake up”

Only humans could take over natural resources for ourselves leaving behind a mess for another species.

Orhan Pamuk, a Turkish writer known for The Black Book, grew up in Kaffeebecher, an Arab neighborhood in Istanbul, where he sold lemonade called “Bean and Istanbul.”

Pirates like to focus on the one thing most people would find most morally intriguing–avast, this is the captured story.

Professor Dudley says, “No pain-no gain.” Considering this new-old adage, a sailor on a paddleboard

See what happens when a couple is forced to leave their home by circumstance and the rules and regulations surrounding urban civilizations. The husband eventually ends up building his own home minus a few materials.

Several times during the Second World War Churchill was briefed on recent advances in weapons technology. He’d listen to the reports, only for his eyes to widen, mouth open and jaw drop. Slightly open-mouthed, patting the person on hand, he’d steer them to the door before stepping back into his office. Later, someone would walk in and add in some milk.

She always fell in love with people she shouldn’t and dated guys that were completely wrong for her. And yet, they all had one thing in common. She left you for them.

She ran around with scissors in her hair so they were never able to recognize the color of her hair.

She was the sweetest girl in the whole wide world, but not a day went by without a peacock trying to ride my bike.

So in Havana, this old man yells out, “You so stupid, you had all those Castro’s beat, what’s you firstname?”

Somebody worked really hard drawing something on your face or body. Emphasize how impressed you are that they drew a dinosaur on you, or a plane, or a flower, or a penis, or a pot leaf. It has to have love in the work, of course, and detail. You’ll realize this as the story builds.

Something old… Something new… Something borrowed… Something gray… The time he slipped on a banana skin and broke his leg. The dress she wore on her first date with him. They taught the millionaire to sing his last will and testament.

Sometime in the future, a human might fall in love with a robot and other pieces of monumental fiction.

Start worse and make it progressively worse until it’s extremely out of whack and you suddenly get a happy ending. Springtime for Hitler.

Story about movies or books that sound cool when you’re framing the scene but are terrible when you get down to it.

Tell a story of something that happened when you were a kid. Something you’ve left out of other stories you’ve told.

Tell it all. Do not be sensitive. Trust the reader to catch only the essentials of your story while filling in the gaps. Embrace the fact that there is so much more to understand and experience than you will ever write.

Tell the entire story from the main character’s weakest character flaw if your character is not heroic/has no flaws.

That expression on your face, bemused and awry, one side of your mouth curling up in a mocking half-smile. The blind rage upon seeing my drawings, my close-guarded secrets, the pieces of my heart laid bare, stained in carbon soot.

That hidden side of yourself that usually doesn’t get displayed in everyday company has to be hidden no more because the surprise party your spouse has planned for you is sneaking up on you and it’s going to be occupying every corner of your house, so, get in harmony with yourself…cause it is all out now.

That night the stars didn’t shine because the moon is full every month. And when it’s not it’s a new moon.

The Bakers left the galley messy, so Gavin and his boys decided to contribute to the clean up effort. Consequently, all their masterpieces were saved.

The elevator could only fit one person, so they tossed a coin to see who would go up and bring down the angel.

The greatest mystery of all time hangs in the balance, and your friend and you are the only ones capable of solving it, but they, as they say, are M.I.A.

The Iceman Prank. Buy an 1/8 of weed then go to the freezer. Make all your friends think the weed is just covered in ice. Wake them up, and the Iceman will have come and gone.

The kick is a novelist, struggling to cope with a bad writing day. Unfortunately, she has no idea how to solve this problem. Her Muse has abandoned her, and every word she types expends more agony on her and less on the keyboard. There is no spell for this. There are no charms or potions that will bring the Muse back to her. So, she gets creative.

The kid knocked it 400 yards and because it landed on the road, and not in the field, it wasn’t a home run.

The longer you looked at your face, the longer you were convinced a monkey could do a better job, but he was an idiot.

The man in the big yellow hat wanted to open the biggest lemonade stand ever. So he went out to find the lemons, only to find out that there is no more lemonade. Oopsie!

The man on the train who stared at your arm tattoos for five minutes, despite being surrounded by countless empty seats.

The Most Interesting Man in the World explains why all flags are bad and go 170 kilometers per hour in 45 seconds.

The narrator doesn’t die immediately. Instead, he lives long enough to recount the accident to anyone willing to listen.

The new girl doesn’t have a name. Her real name is impossible to pronounce and occasionally she forgets what it is.

The next time you tell someone to get over it they’ll die. With no one there to bring them back to life.

The Old west meets high-tech study chambers. A Wild West error leads to a bug in the Matrix. Documented incident of spontaneity. Blue heron falls from the sky.

The quirks and oddities of the world are what make it amazing. Don’t be afraid to explore the strange!

The Sheriff and his deputy were riding horses in a park earlier, but then, one horse just started taking off on it’s own. Naturally, the two men wouldn’t let a horse just take them anywhere. The deputy did the only thing he could’ve done, and shot the horse for ‘becoming agitated’.

The story focuses around the things that happened when, with what, who was what, who did what. Sometimes impossibly forced, sometimes just weird, and other times just slightly funny. The point is to be funny. Sometimes done by picking 20-50 completely random subjects, then picking out ones that are funny for whatever reason.

The struggling artist doodled in the margins of the page, oblivious that the words she wrote were changing her world…

The terraforming is a certainty the simulations proved it. Nothing could go wrong, we planned for every eventuality. You can’t hide in spilled milk.

The White Witch is having an important guest over, a scruffy-looking nerdy guy who carries luggage larger than his own body while the creepy yet overdressed butler, dressed in purely white, escorts him to his room. As he disappears down the hall, the White Witch’s daughter walks in to ask her mother innocently where the new guest is staying, wondering if she can play with him. The mother is a bit offended by how this scruffy nerdy guy came to be a guest, and she asks her daughter “Why in the world would he be staying here?”

The wife-in-laws’ husband wife-in-law is a husband wife-in-law was a constant reminder of her own true age.

The woman three houses down has been staying up until three in the morning knitting mittens for kittens.

The woman’s shoulder blades brushed against one another whenever she stretched her arms above her head

There are only five minutes until you have to give the speech and you just realized you can’t speak. Inspiration never strikes at a good time.

There are times when you write for the world to see, and then there are times when you write to see if the words will fit.

There came a time when the world was out of handclaps. In order to resolve this grotesque situation, a boy was conscripted. A boy who had been struck on the head by the iron lever in a closed door accident, and was now incomplete in the lateral portion of his left hemisphere.

There once was a man from Nantucket, who had a whack of almonds, and a lady from Racine, who couldn’t disarm him.

There once was a woman who was so attractive, four men were fighting to their deaths for the right to marry her, but the question was…. Which one would she choose?

There was a family that moved into the neighborhood. Jose, Janet, and Tom. There children Mark, Maria, and Timothy. They were the nicest people you would want to meet. At least at first. One day Mark and Timothy went missing. People looked everywhere for those two boys, but they just couldn’t be found. Then suddenly the rest of the family went missing just two days later. Except the father and mother who were the last to disappear. When people looked around the beautiful house they found more of those flowers and dead bodies all around the backyard AND a port-a-potty. They looked in the bath tubs and the kitchen drawers. The bodies were hidden for a long time until someone they could take care of themselves, or they were just plain stupid. All had the same golden gates and angel wings. Everyone was certain of the fact that the family was a group of satan worshippers.

There was a man they sent to a giant rocket! But something was wrong with the world. Something was definitely wrong.

There was no way, no way someone who eats family pets would possibly have eaten my lost hamster. Right?

TheRedheadand The Spacewoman Are Having a Good Time On The Planet of Orange at the North Pole. Prance Around and Find a Big Piece of Rock To Float To Other Planets.

They must have thought they couldn’t make it through. They split their integral selves between a state and the staid. The steady flux is a thing of delight to them, just as the balance between their vibrant impulsions and the détente is. Contact further cemented their romance, but effect dissipated into sparse numbers. They plummeted, plateaued, and now slowly strut gingerly amongst the pincushion and porcupines. Now that they know themselves incapable of tearing themselves apart, they no longer worry about trying to be whole.

They say curiosity killed the cat. And ever since you got curious about the wrong thing and followed that dog, you’ve regretted every decision you’ve made.

They warned him not to eat the fiddle player, but he did not listen. He did, of course, get sick. Everything in…

Things lay broken and forgotten, scattered as if a storm had swept through somewhere, regretting di…

Things the stars say. Things that wouldn’t disturb, but wouldn’t exactly lull you to sleep at night.

Think about someone you know who is either really short, really tall, or really fat. Have him/her walk into the room.

Think of the space capsule scene in “Wrath of Khan” and what ensues when a man with healthy “curiosity” and a few jumplings of plunk get together.

Think specifically and thoroughly about the last helicopter you saw. Then the last car you saw with its lights off. The last bag of bird seed.

This is more of an art technique. You pick a cool or funny sentence and then crop Griff before while typing it or doing something.

This list is a good way to begin when you don’t know what else to write. It gets the creative juices flowing and can open up new events to put in your flash fiction.

This one is great because it gives you the opportunity to tap into a deep, dark place in your soul and create a detestable Exceeder with one simple adjective…

Three little pigs. Pop! Goes the first pig’s house! Pop! Goes the second pig’s house! Whoops! There goes the big bad wolf… Oh, no…Not the third little pig’s house.

Throw your main character in a situation that is completely wrong and confusing for him/her. His/her normal behavior will seem very out of place.

Travel back in time to observe a historical event, alive and in person. Use your knowledge of the future to influence the outcome of said event.

Two co-workers ran into each other they hadn’t seen in a while. “Good to see you,” they greet. Then one says a little sarcastically . . .

Unplug everything. Feel your breathing. Slowly have a panic attack. And then plug it in and forget about it.

Until society is prepared to accept its place within the natural order and begin setting reasonable goals for alternatives, there is no choice but to rely on the perpetuation of primitive and environmentally atrocious technologies like nuclear power.

We demolished a small, defenseless, sandcastle and the world crushed us like it crept up on a surprise party.

What happens when you put the world’s grumpiest man in front of a mirror, and let him complain and moan about his life for ninety minutes…?

What if every word you wrote was written in pineapple upside-down cake? Would anything make any sense?

What if everything you thought you knew about vampires and the undead was a total lie? What if they were just people?

What is the funniest short story you have ever written, but really should sell because it’s really funny.

What is your ultimate reality television experience? Take Lana Condor On A Blind Date spoof scene from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han for example! What is your ultimate reality television experience?

What shapes do you see in the pattern of life? Stories can create emotion, setting, likability, and help people learn about themselves and others. A believable story can capture the reader’s attention, if the grammar and sentence structure are good, then they should be able to read the story smoothly. If every aspect is perfect, that means nothing else is left undone. The tale could almost tell itself. The setting could almost design itself. If everything in a story feels real or plausible, then it lived up to the expectations.

When bored at a convention, one is advised to see the before and after photos. That should liven things up.

When my headlights were going out…no one knew that the red lights on the road were actually stop lights.

When there was nothing but sand in the brick, you had to pick up one of the bricks. Maybe it was my brick? Was my brick the one picked up last?

When your life looked like a stick drawing, only with a few scattered among your two dimensional reality.

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Comedy Essay Examples and Topics

“young sheldon” (2017): character case study.

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Why Did I Get Married Too

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Secondhand lions (2003): storyline and key aspects.

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Olive’s Character in the “Little Miss Sunshine”

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Social Psychological Concepts in “The Hangover”

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First Episode of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” Series

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Psychological Disorders in the Films

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Modern Views on Confucian Values: “The King of Masks”

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Gender Factor in Communication

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“The Graduate” (1967) By Mike Nichols

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The best funny writing prompts

Is there anything more inherently human than the desire to laugh? If you agree, and you’ve got a knack for storytelling, you might be looking to test your skills by writing funny short stories. However, while we all enjoy a good chuckle, getting others to laugh through the written word is a lot easier said than done. While spoken comedy like stand-up depends on timing and delivery, written humor deploys the punchline very differently.

A big part of that challenge to be funny is finding the right premise to get started. Are you writing a sitcom or rom com, where the situation is relatively mundane, and the humor is found within the characters or narrator making jokes? Or are you writing a story where the setting, plot, or premise is in itself the joke? Luckily, pondering the question “how to write humor?” has brought you here — to our creative writing prompts directory full of funny short story prompts, ideas for comical situations, and dialogue starters.

While humor can be injected into your writing in many different ways — metaphor, repetition, misdirection, irony, etc. — here are a few of the different types of humor you funny-boned authors might want to employ:

• Satire — pokes fun at contemporary political, social, or other topical issues.
• Farce — often used in theatre, presents a highly improbable plot that centers around eccentric and exaggerated events and characters.
• Screwball — much like farce, it presents exaggerated situations, but is often used in romantic comedies.
• Parody — imitates the style of other genres to poke fun at them.
• Irony — presents a comedic gap between reality and expectations.
• Dark — pokes fun at a topic that is typically considered taboo.

To get your funny story started, here are our top ten funny writing prompts:

• A parent is trying to explain something to their child, who just isn’t getting it.
• You’ve been thinking about moving back home for awhile. As you’re wondering whether or not to do it, your parents show up at your door, asking if they can stay with you.
• You were ready to write the worst Amazon review ever.
• You just finished ranting about your boss, only to be informed by a coworker that your boss was standing right behind you.
• Write a story infused with dark humor.
• Write a humorous story about the descendant of someone remembered for an insignificant act.
• They said it wasn’t a contest, but you’re still determined to win.
• The shopping bag ripped and all its contents tumbled to the ground. For you, this was the last straw.
• One of your friends is terrible at everything, but have always been convinced they're extremely talented. Today's the day they find out the hard truth.
• Write a story about a group of people who meet every month to air out their mistakes.

If you’re looking to write funny writing prompts, whether for stage and screen, or in the form of a novel or short story, here are some more resources with handy tips:

• How to Write Believable Dialogue that Develops Plot and Character (free course)  — It’s not easy to write witty dialogue, especially when you want it to ring true and be believable. 
• How to Develop Characters (free course)  — The key to a great comedy is having characters your readers love, or love to hate. You need to get to know them, beyond a simple “they’re funny”! That’s where our course in character development comes in handy.

Want more help learning how to write a comedic short story? Check out How to Write a Short Story That Gets Published  — a free, ten day course guiding you through the process of short story writing by Laura Mae Isaacman, a full-time editor who runs a book editing company in Brooklyn.

Ready to start writing? Check out Reedsy’s weekly short story contest , for the chance of winning $250 , plus potential publication in our literary magazine, Prompted ! You can also check out our list of writing contests  or our directory of literary magazines  for more opportunities to submit your story.

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Home — Blog — Topic Ideas — Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas

Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas

Laughter really is the best medicine, and when it comes to the art of persuasion, funny persuasive speech topics can help you a lot. Imagine standing in front of an audience or sitting at your desk with an essay tip in hand, and instead of your usual serious and direct approach, you decide to inject a healthy dose of humor into your presentation. Welcome to a world of fun persuasive essay topics where wit meets persuasion to create a delightful and engaging conversation.

Humor has a unique way of capturing people's attention and breaking down barriers, making it an invaluable tool for any writer or speaker looking to convey a compelling message. Whether you're writing academic writing, preparing a public speaking speech, or engaging in a friendly debate, fun, persuasive essay topics can add extra punch to your presentation.

In this article, we share how persuasive speech topics funny can help you by exploring a wide range of funny persuasive essay topics that will tickle your audience to the bone and inspire thought-provoking discussions. These themes not only entertain, but also challenge traditional thinking, prompting critical reflection on various social issues and everyday mysteries.

Use the power of humor and persuasion and create a relaxed environment to inform and inspire your listeners. Whether you're an aspiring writer, an aspiring debater, or just a fun-loving person, this article will help you master the art of smoothly blending humor and persuasion.

So, get ready to embark on a journey of wit and wisdom where laughter meets logic, and learn how to make your readers or audience not only smile, but also nod in agreement. funny persuasive speech topics can be of great help to you and we will try to explore in detail the delightful world of funny persuasive essay topics and become masters of entertaining persuasion!

⭐ 10 Great Topics for a Persuasive Speech

• The Power of Laughter: Why We Should Have a Daily Dose of Comedy
• Embracing the "Messy" Life: Finding Joy in Imperfection
• The Art of Procrastination: How to Turn It into a Productivity Hack
• The Hidden Benefits of Daydreaming: Fueling Creativity and Inspiration
• The Science of Silliness: How Being Goofy Can Boost Mental Health
• The Therapeutic Value of Pet-Induced Happiness: Adopting a Furry Friend
• Unconventional Superheroes: Celebrating Everyday Heroes Among Us
• The Magic of Random Acts of Kindness: Spreading Joy and Positivity
• Emojis as a Universal Language: Decoding Modern Communication
• The Quirky World of Useless Facts: Fun Learning and Brain Gymnastics

Ideas for Finding Impressive Persuasive Essay Topics

Finding impressive persuasive essay topics can be both exciting and challenging. The key is to identify topics that not only pique your interest but also resonate with your audience. Here are some effective strategies to help you discover compelling and attention-grabbing persuasive essay topics:

Explore Your Passions

Start by brainstorming topics that really interest you. Think about issues that you care deeply about or topics that evoke emotion. And perhaps the idea of how to start an essay funny will easily come to you. When you are passionate about a subject, it becomes easier to persuade others effectively.

Stay Informed

Keep yourself updated with current events, social issues, and trending topics. Reading newspapers, magazines, and reputable online sources will expose you to a diverse range of persuasive essay ideas.

Address Controversial Topics

Controversial issues often spark intense debates, making them excellent candidates for persuasive essays. Be sure to research both sides of the argument and present a well-balanced view.

Consider Your Audience

Think about the perspective and interests of your target audience. Understanding their viewpoints will help you choose topics that resonate with them and tailor your arguments effectively.

Look into Local Issues

Exploring problems within your community or region can add a personal touch to your essay. Local topics often strike a chord with readers, making your arguments more impactful.

Brainstorm with Others

Discussing ideas with friends, family, or classmates can generate fresh perspectives and potential topics. Collaborating with others can lead to unique and thought-provoking essay ideas.

Utilize Online Resources

There are numerous websites dedicated to providing persuasive essay topic ideas. Browse through these resources to gain inspiration and find unique angles for your essay.

Examine Ethical Dilemmas

Ethical issues often raise thought-provoking questions. Consider topics that challenge the moral compass and explore potential solutions.

Analyze Past Persuasive Essays: Reviewing successful persuasive essays can give you an idea of popular and impactful topics. However, ensure your essay presents a fresh angle to avoid repetition.

Consider Global Concerns

Addressing global challenges like climate change, poverty, or human rights can showcase your awareness of critical issues and demonstrate your commitment to creating positive change.

Remember to choose a topic that aligns with your expertise and research interests. Impressive persuasive essay topics rely on strong arguments, reliable sources, and compelling evidence. Take the time to delve into your chosen subject, gather relevant information, and craft a persuasive essay that leaves a lasting impact on your readers. With these strategies and a dash of creativity, you'll undoubtedly discover persuasive essay topics that inspire engaging discussions and win hearts.

List of 100 funny persuasive topics for you

Below we offer you a list of 100 funny and persuasive paperwork themes. We propose to divide this list into 5 main sections in which we structure the ideas for your presentation.

Fun and at the same time compelling topics on ecology

• The Comedic Side of Eco-Friendly Living: How to Laugh While Saving the Planet
• Eco-Fun: Hilarious Ways to Reduce Your Carbon Footprint
• The Case for Eco-Comedy: Using Humor to Advocate for Environmental Conservation
• Laughter for a Greener World: How Funny Persuasion Can Promote Sustainability
• Eco-Jokes and Conservation: Uniting Humor and Environmental Awareness
• The Funny Side of Recycling: Turning Trash into Laughs and Treasures
• Laughing Our Way to a Cleaner Future: Humorous Strategies for Eco-Consciousness
• The Green Giggle: How Environmentalists Can Embrace Humor in Their Advocacy
• Eco-Friendly Pranks and Jokes: Promoting Environmental Consciousness with Laughter
• LOL for Nature: Spreading Environmental Awareness through Hilarious Persuasion
• Comedy for Conservation: Using Humor to Inspire Eco-Friendly Choices
• Earth-Friendly Funnies: Incorporating Humor in Environmental Education
• Giggles for Green Living: Making Sustainability Fun and Engaging
• The Humorous Side of Wildlife Conservation: Laughing Our Way to Preservation
• Eco-Laughs: Humorously Debunking Environmental Myths and Misconceptions
• Jokes for the Environment: How Humor Can Catalyze Positive Change
• Laughing at Our Eco-Mistakes: Finding Humor in Imperfect Green Living
• Eco-Friendly Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Greener World
• LOL for Earth: Humorous Approaches to Raise Environmental Awareness
• Smiles for Sustainability: How Laughter Can Drive Green Initiatives

Options for funny persuasive cultural topics

• Cultural Comedy: Using Humor to Bridge Cultural Differences
• Laughing Across Cultures: How Humor Unites Humanity
• The Power of Cultural Satire: Addressing Stereotypes through Comedy
• Embracing Cultural Quirks: Celebrating Diversity with Laughter
• Funny Traditions Around the World: Exploring the Humorous Side of Culture
• Cultural Comedy Nights: Promoting Cultural Exchange through Humor
• The Hilarity of Language Barrier: Overcoming Misunderstandings with Laughter
• Cultural Comedy in Media: Analyzing Humorous Portrayals of Different Cultures
• Humor as a Cultural Connector: Using Laughter to Foster Understanding
• Cross-Cultural Stand-Up: Uniting Audiences with Diverse Comedy
• The Art of Cultural Parodies: Celebrating and Appreciating Diversity through Satire
• Breaking Cultural Norms with Humor: Redefining Traditions Playfully
• Humorous Cultural Misconceptions: Dispelling Myths and Prejudices
• Comedy and Cross-Cultural Communication: Embracing Humor in Global Interactions
• Funny Travel Tales: Laughing at Cultural Blunders and Experiences
• Humorous Cultural Stereotypes: Addressing Taboos with Comedy
• Laughing with Respect: Using Humor to Honor and Appreciate Cultures
• Cultural Humor in Everyday Life: Finding Joy in Diversity
• Stand-Up for Cultural Awareness: Using Comedy for Positive Change
• Cultural Comedy in the Workplace: Building Inclusive and Happy Teams

💼 Funny persuasive topics about jurisprudence

• The Courtroom Chuckle: Using Humor in Legal Persuasion
• Gavel Giggles: Humorous Approaches to Legal Argumentation
• The Art of Legal Wit: How to Win Over the Jury with Laughter
• Humor in Law School: Surviving the Rigors with a Smile
• Funny Legal Language: Unraveling the Quirky Side of Legalese
• Laughing at the Law: A Comedic Exploration of Legal Cases
• Humorous Legal Precedents: Unusual Rulings and Courtroom Tales
• The Power of Legal Satire: Addressing Legal Issues with Comedy
• Courtroom Comedy: Entertaining While Making a Case
• The Jokes of Justice: Humor in Legal Practice and Advocacy
• Wit and Wisdom in Legal Writing: Injecting Humor into Briefs
• Hilarious Deposition Moments: Finding Laughter in Serious Situations
• Stand-Up for Justice: Using Comedy to Raise Legal Awareness
• The Comedy of Contracts: Unusual and Amusing Legal Agreements
• Lawyers with Laughs: Celebrating Funny Legal Professionals
• Humorous Courtroom Quips: Funny Quotes and Anecdotes from Trials
• Legal Roast and Toast: Honoring Legal Professionals with Humor
• Law and Order Chuckles: How Comedy Can Influence Legal Reforms
• Legal Parodies and Pranks: Exploring the Lighter Side of Jurisprudence
• Hilarity in the Halls of Justice: Using Humor for Effective Legal Communication

Funny and compelling relationship topics for your talk

• The Hilarious Side of Dating: Navigating Awkward Encounters with Humor
• The Comedy of Relationship Quirks: Finding Laughter in Love
• Couple's Comedy Night: Using Humor to Strengthen Relationship Bonds
• Laughing Through Relationship Challenges: How Comedy Can Ease Tensions
• Relationship Roast and Toast: Celebrating Love with Lightheartedness
• Love and Laughter: Embracing Humor in Intimate Relationships
• Funny Relationship Advice: Unconventional Tips for a Happy Partnership
• Stand-Up for Love: Using Comedy to Communicate and Connect in Relationships
• The Art of Relationship Satire: Playfully Addressing Common Couple Issues
• Couples' Comedy Retreat: Building Stronger Bonds with Humorous Activities
• Humorous Love Letters: Adding Fun to Romantic Communication
• Relationship Pranks and Jokes: Fostering Playfulness in Love
• The Joy of Inside Jokes: Creating a World of Laughter in Relationships
• Funny Apologies in Relationships: Making Amends with Humor
• Humor in Long-Distance Relationships: Keeping Love Alive with Laughter
• The Comedy of Marriage: Exploring the Lighter Side of Matrimony
• Relationship Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Stronger Connection
• Laughing with Your Partner: The Benefits of Shared Humor in Relationships
• Relationship Spoofs and Parodies: Celebrating Love with Playful Imitations
• Funny Relationship Confessions: Embracing Imperfections in Love

Funny Persuasive Food Themes

• Food Funnies: Using Humor to Spice Up Your Culinary Persuasion
• Laughing at Food Trends: Exploring the Quirky Side of Gastronomy
• The Comedy of Cooking: Finding Humor in Kitchen Mishaps
• Stand-Up for Foodies: Using Comedy to Celebrate Culinary Adventures
• The Hilarity of Food Etiquette: Embracing Table Manners with a Smile
• Food Pranks and Jokes: Playful Culinary Shenanigans
• Humorous Food Critiques: Reviewing Meals with a Dash of Wit
• The Comedy of Food History: Unearthing Funny Culinary Anecdotes
• Funny Food Pairings: Unexpected and Amusing Flavors
• Cooking with Laughter: Incorporating Humor in Culinary Education
• LOL for Foodies: Celebrating the Joy of Eating with Humor
• Food Satire and Spoofs: Exploring the Lighter Side of Culinary Culture
• The Art of Food Puns: Wordplay in the World of Gastronomy
• Food Roast and Toast: Honoring Delicious Dishes with Humor
• The Joy of Food Cartoons: Bringing Culinary Comedy to Life
• Cooking Comedy Night: Entertaining and Educating through Culinary Humor
• Humorous Food Challenges: Laughter in Culinary Competitions
• Foodie Fails and Bloopers: Embracing Kitchen Mishaps with a Smile
• The Funny Side of Food Advertising: Creative and Hilarious Marketing
• Kitchen Stand-Up: Using Comedy to Spice Up Cooking Shows

📒 Tips for Making Your Speech or Writing Funny

Humor is a powerful tool that can captivate an audience and leave a lasting impression. Whether you're delivering a speech or writing an article, injecting humor can add charm and engage your readers or listeners. Here are some valuable tips to help you infuse humor into your speech or writing effectively:

• Know Your Audience: Understand the preferences and feelings of your audience. Adjust your humor to resonate with them and avoid potentially offensive jokes. It is logical that the structure of your report will be different in different situations. If you need to come up with funny persuasive speech topics for college students, then you should choose topics that students are interested in and that will be popular among young people. If you are preparing topics for discussion with research associates, there should be much less humor before.
• Use Personal Anecdotes: Share funny and intimate personal stories that are related to your topic. Authenticity can make your humor more appealing. And then the ideas of how to start an essay funny will come to you quite easily.
• Wordplay and Puns: Incorporate clever wordplay and puns to add a witty touch to your content. Play with language to elicit laughter.
• Timing is Key: Master the art of comedic timing. Pause before delivering the punchline to build anticipation and maximize the impact.
• Embrace Observational Humor: Find humor in everyday situations and observations. This type of humor is relatable and can easily connect with your audience.
• Exaggeration and Hyperbole: Playfully exaggerate situations or characters to create humor. However, ensure it remains within a reasonable and believable context.
• Relieve Tension: Use humor to lighten serious topics or tense moments. It can ease the atmosphere and make your audience more receptive.
• Incorporate Visuals: If possible, use visuals, such as funny images or gifs, to complement your humor and enhance the comedic effect.
• Practice Delivery: Rehearse your speech or read your article out loud to gauge the flow of humor and make necessary adjustments.
• Be Yourself: Embrace your unique sense of humor. Authenticity can make your humor more genuine and endearing.
• Use Callbacks: Reference earlier jokes or anecdotes to create callbacks that bring added humor to your content.
• Avoid Offending: Steer clear of offensive humor or jokes that may alienate your audience. Aim for inclusive and lighthearted humor.
• Research Comedy: Study the work of comedians and writers known for their humor. Analyze their techniques and incorporate them into your style.
• Test the Waters: If you're unsure about a joke's reception, try it out with a small, trusted audience to gauge their reaction.
• Edit and Refine: Polish your speech or article to ensure the humor flows naturally and aligns with your overall message.

By following these tips, you can bring humor to your speech or writing, captivating your audience and leaving them with a smile. Who knows, maybe after that your colleagues will turn to you for advice, asking you how to start writing funny essay examples. Remember that humor is a powerful tool that can make your content more memorable and impactful. So, enjoy the laughter and watch your audience take your message in a whole new way!

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100+ Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Hilarious makes persuasive arguments powerful. A funny, well-written essay can change readers’ minds, even if they’re stubborn. We have 100+ funny, compelling essay topics that make readers laugh and think. Let’s find a perfect topic for your following funny essay.

Table of Contents

Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics

Why dogs are better than cats (and vice versa). Why the chicken crossed the road. The benefits of procrastination. Why pizza is a balanced meal. How to win an argument (even if you’re wrong). The joy of being average. Why napping should be mandatory at work. The art of doing nothing. Why aliens might visit Earth before we colonize Mars. Why socks and sandals are fashionable. The benefits of being a couch potato. Why time travel is overrated. Why you should never leave your bed. Why you should eat dessert first. The benefits of being forgetful. The perks of being short (or tall). Why getting lost can be good. Why watermelon should be the official summer fruit. The importance of having a pet rock. Why Mondays are pretty decent. The benefits of talking to yourself. Why you shouldn’t trust a skinny chef. The joys of lousy dancing. Why clowns are underrated. The importance of being weird. Why it’s okay to be lazy. The joys of staying home. Why laughter is the best medicine. The benefits of being forgetful. The joys of being easily amused. Why breakfast for dinner is comforting. The benefits of watching bad movies. The joys of being a picky eater. Why puns are the best comedy. The importance of napping. The benefits of being a morning person (or night owl). The joys of talking to strangers. Why it’s okay to be awkward. Why binge-watching TV is good. The importance of being silly. Why sarcasm is the best defence. The benefits of taking time off. The joys of being a tourist where you live. Why it’s okay to be messy. The importance of having humour. The benefits of being selfish. The joys of people-watching. Why indecisiveness is okay. The benefits of listening to bad music. The importance of weirdness. The joys of pranking. Why having a guilty pleasure is okay. The benefits of being forgetful (again). The importance of laughing at yourself. The joys of being disorganized. Why naivety is okay. The benefits of stubbornness. The joys of home cooking. Why vanity is okay. The benefits of taking life less seriously. The joys of memes. Why being late is okay. The benefits of having a weird hobby. The importance of silliness (again). The joys of YouTube binges. Why unconventionality is okay. The benefits of social media breaks. The importance of finding humour every day. The joys of creative hobbies. Why selfishness is okay (again). The benefits of embracing your inner child. The joys of dad jokes. Why disorganization is okay. The importance of not taking life too seriously. The benefits of trying new things. The joys of road trips. Why weirdness is okay (again). The importance of positivity. The benefits of impulsiveness. The joys of puns (again). Why unhealthy obsessions are okay. The benefits of a good sense of humour. The joys of pranking (again). Why stubbornness is okay (again). The importance of finding joy in little things. The benefits of making people laugh. The joys of comedy movies. Why competitiveness is okay. The importance of balance in life. The benefits of having support. The joys of karaoke. Why forgetfulness is okay (again). The benefits of optimism. The importance of self-care. The joys of stand-up comedy shows. Why indecisiveness is okay (again). The benefits of openness to new things. The importance of my time. The joys of prank calls. Why not take yourself too seriously is okay.

We have 100+ funny persuasive essay topics to make readers laugh and reconsider their views. Humor makes arguments powerful. Choose an issue you care about, and let the funny persuasion start!

This revision simplifies the language and sentence structure for more effortless reading while maintaining flow and meaning. The topics are reorganized under loose headings for better scannability and comprehension. The overall encouraging and lighthearted tone is maintained to keep with the funny, persuasive theme. Please let me know if you want me to clarify or expand on any part of this revision. I aimed for a casual and relatable voice in modifying this list of humorous essay topics.

Hello! Welcome to my Blog StudyParagraphs.co. My name is Angelina. I am a college professor. I love reading writing for kids students. This blog is full with valuable knowledge for all class students. Thank you for reading my articles.

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371 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics for 2024

Writing an argumentative essay is not the funniest thing to do. Even so, there are ways to ease this process and make it less strained – choose a catchy topic! Dive into the article and find some funny argumentative essay topics for your assignment.

Our team worked very hard to develop more than 200 funny essay topics for you. We hope you’ll enjoy these humor essay topics, but keep in mind that writing an essay is not all fun and games. It requires concentration and some analysis.

⚠️ BONUS: tips on the most efficient argumentative essay outlines ⚠️

🔝 Top 12 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics

• 🔖 Argumentative Topics 2024
• 🗂️ Essay Outline
• ⚔️ Topics to Debate on
• 🍂 Easy Topics
• 🪂 Chill Topics
• 🔥 Hot Topics
• 🤔 Thought-Provoking Topics
• 🗣 Argumentative Speech Topics
• 🔃 Topics on Argumentation
• 🙈 Persuasive Topics
• 📏 Discipline-Specific Topics

🌟 Unique Argumentative Essay Topics

🤪 silly argumentative essay topics, 🌞 light-hearted argumentative essay topics.

• Is homeschooling better than traditional schooling?
• Are video games a good way to relieve stress and anxiety?
• Is it better to study alone or in a group?
• Is it important for everyone to learn a second language?
• Should celebrities be role models?
• Is fashion important in expressing individuality?
• Should people embrace the trend of minimalist living?
• Do virtual influencers benefit the marketing industry?
• Is it better to have a small family than a large one?
• Should parents be friends with their children on social media?
• Is it better to pursue multiple careers throughout one’s life?
• Is it better to be an early bird or a night owl?

🔖 Argumentative Essay Topics 2024

• Does vegetarianism help climate change?
• Are our lives better with the Internet?
• Should the death penalty be abolished?
• Should we pay taxes to governments?
• Is providing free medical insurance a government’s responsibility?
• Euthanasia should be illegal because of its harm.
• Should political activism be compulsory?
• Are we on the edge of WW3?
• Why should public surveillance cameras be banned?
• Do we need more gender inclusivity?
• How far should we go with exploring space?
• Should people have a right to own a gun?
• Should marijuana be allowed in all countries?
• Is using a smartphone for hours dangerous for health?
• Should police officers have a college degree?

🗂️ Argumentative Essay Outline. Effective Organization

we will show you three main methods to organize an argumentative essay. Classical type, Rogerian type, and Toulmin type. You can pick one or just get ideas on how to build up your argumentation.

These were the three most prominent methods to organize your argumentative essay effectively. Here you can familiarize yourself with them in detail and find examples. However, it is still possible to use other strategies for building argumentation.

⚔️ Funny Argumentative Essay Topics to Debate on

The best questions for argumentative essays have no obvious answers and always produce conflicting options.

Here are a few examples:

• Does smoking help people make acquaintances?
• Dating apps made romance disappear.
• Freedom of expression should be guaranteed to everyone.
• Does DNA or upbringing define us?
• Can democracy work in the Middle East ?
• Fast food companies should not advertise to children.
• Is global warming overrated?
• Would the world be better without religion?
• Distracted driving: should talking & texting be banned?
• Is organic food anyhow better, or is it just a marketing trick?
• Are conflicts necessary for healthy relationships ?
• Should lecture attendance be optional?
• Should same-sex couples receive constitutional protection?
• Should sex education be a compulsory subject at school?
• Should the rich be taxed more?
• Why should we pay for music?
• Is the first impression of a person always right?
• Should students add their teachers as friends on Facebook?
• Should companies try to copy their competitors?
• Should governments censor material on the internet?
• Can businesses learn from their customers’ complaints?
• Should all energy drinks be banned?
• Should we limit our use of social media?
• Is China a new superpower ?
• Is policing in the US racially biased?
• Should the right to die be considered a right?
• Should terrorists be treated like criminals or like enemy combatants?
• Is the body or the mind primary?
• Juveniles should not be tried as adults .
• Will the redistribution of wealth eradicate poverty?

🍂 Easy and Fun Essay Topics

Forget that an argumentative essay topic requires discussing classic issues like abortion or euthanasia. A good debate subject can also be a funny topic to write about.

• Should employees be allowed to use social media at work?
• Should companies send “happy birthday” messages to clients?
• Do stay-at-home mothers exhibit more indicators of happiness than full-time working mothers?
• Would Shakespeare’s plays be more interesting if shortened?
• Should internet slang like “LOL” and “IMHO” be included in dictionaries?
• Full-day vs. half-day kindergarten: which is better?
• Does the English language need to be more straightforward?
• Should kids be allowed to draw on walls?
• Art, music, and dance in treatment.
• Do modern schools depend too much on technology?
• Are online classes valued less?
• Medical practices in Ancient Greece, Igbo Culture and Kikuyu Pre Colonial .
• Is the character of an individual prescribed or acquired?
• Should hospitals use placebo treatments?
• Do innovations make us lazier?

🪂 Chill and Funny Argumentative Essay Topics

The easiest way to write an A+ persuasive essay is to choose a topic that genuinely interests you:

• Can college athletes be intelligent?
• Arguments for and against the fast food industry in the USA.
• Should students have profiles on all major social networks?
• Should people abandon cash and use plastic cards only ?
• Drug legalization: for and against.
• Should countries have “one-car-per-family” policies?
• Why is obesity not considered a disease?
• Should we preserve old buildings as historical monuments ?
• Are some TV ads objects of art ?
• How does the environment affect health, and why is this an essential global health policy concern?
• Is music in shopping malls harmful to employees’ well-being?
• Can listening to your favorite music heal?
• Argue for or against mandatory vaccination for all students of public schools.
• Should journalists who distort the truth to make the news more sensational be punished?
• Are hybrid cars friendly to the environment?
• Should all TV channels have censorship ?

🔥 Hot Argumentative Essay Topics

If you’re still here, then you’re probably looking for something special, like these argumentative essay topics:

• Is using animals for experiments justified?
• Do SOPA and PIPA make pirates more skilled?
• Is negative PR the secret behind Justin Bieber’s success?
• Smoking in public places: arguments for banning.
• Should Wikipedia give diplomas to its most faithful readers?
• Can diamonds be girls’ best friends?
• Dangers of spreading human immunodeficiency virus.
• Should couples live together before marriage?
• Should parents tell their kids about the birds and the bees?
• Physician-assisted suicide is a basic right.
• Can virtual reality be dangerous for kids?
• Should condoms be distributed in high schools?
• Is too much political correctness making communication more confusing?
• Is it possible to get 100% clear and unbiased results from psychological research ?

🤔 Thought-Provoking Argumentative Essay Topics

Consider choosing one of these interesting argumentative essay topics for college:

• Can any behavior be predicted?
• Does a tattoo on a face spoil the first impression about a person?
• Should the modern voting system abolish the electoral college?
• How many Facebook friends is it healthy to have?
• Should we get rid of all euphemisms and say things as they are?
• Should we consider Trump a populist?
• What is the best use for duct tape other than taping things?
• Should the US government provide more public goods?
• What’s the real meaning of children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes?
• Privacy and security of online networks.
• Should people be able to patent their ideas?
• Is there a lack of African American women in federal government positions?
• Is panda hugger a serious job?
• Is Esperanto a failed language?
• The problem of authorities’ corruption.
• Are millennials unhealthily addicted to social media?
• Problems of overcrowding in prisons.
• Is it possible to live your entire life without leaving a trace online ?

🗣️ Funny Argumentative Speech Topics

Are you looking for good persuasive speech topics? Here are some creative speech ideas:

• Should soccer players be allowed to fight on the field?
• Family values and needs conflict in nursing ethics.
• Should society have child-free restaurants?
• Is Coke better than Pepsi?
• Should the lottery be illegal?
• Should everyone climb Mount Everest at least once in their lives?
• Should the law prohibit taking selfies while driving?
• Are moist cookies better than dry cookies?
• Should the drinking age be lowered?
• Should students be allowed to wear dreadlocks at school?
• Should you refuse to sign a prenuptial agreement?
• Health effects of high fructose-containing sugars.
• Should you create your own subculture ?
• Should students be graded on their computer literacy?
• Should marijuana be legalized around the world?
• Should meat lovers be more mindful of vegetarians?
• World Trade Organization membership impact.
• Should everyone abandon cars and ride bikes instead?
• Should airlines have a two-seat policy for heavier people?
• What role does China play in shaping the contemporary politics of the world?
• Should you add your parents as friends on Facebook?
• Is the sharing economy essentially the same thing as communism ?

🔃 Essay Topics on Argumentation

What about some quibble? You may try to speak about argumentation itself since there is a lot of dispute about its nature, structure, and models. For instance:

• Should students choose research and essay themes themselves?
• Can argumentative writing help in different life situations?
• Do good arguments resolve conflicts , or do they push you to contradict?
• Would famous persuasive speeches produce the same impact on the audience of today?
• Is an argumentative essay for college students an easier task than for school students?
• Persuasion techniques of politicians .
• Do some argumentative issues lack real problems to be discussed?
• Can a good discursive essay be composed without proper argumentation?
• Does an argumentative paper format impact its message and value ?
• Can argumentative essay exercises in school contribute to writing skills demonstrated in college and university?
• Mass media and propagation of political rhetoric .
• Can essay subjects be too simple to develop good argumentation?
• Are some controversial topics missing controversy?
• Do argumentative essays with sources have higher persuasive power?
• Do short argumentative essays lack depth?
• Argumentative essay on global warming .
• Is an accepted college essay format assistance or limitation?
• Should students prepare debate arguments in advance or develop them during debates?
• Individual’s strengths and problem-solving skills.
• Does a formal argumentative essay lack personalization?
• Is writing a persuasive essay a skill or a talent?
• I Have a Dream speech by Martin Luther King.
• Should an argumentative style of writing be formalized?
• Do all persuasive speeches require personal charisma?
• Personal skills application in project management .
• Can an argumentative paper fail because of its neutral tone?
• Is there a difference between an argumentative and a persuasive essay?
• Mikhail Gorbachev’s 1988 UN speech.
• Is there a universal argumentative essay model?

🙈 Funny Persuasive Essay Topics

• Are early marriages more likely to end in divorce?
• Do older people receive better care in retirement homes than with family members?
• Should hyperactive kids receive treatment?
• Social media: positive aspects for teenagers.
• Should mind reading during poker games be banned?
• Should parents pass tests before homeschooling their kids?
• Are humans addicted to technology?
• Should parents lie to their kids about Santa Claus?
• Standing on the feminist side in same-sex marriage.
• Is it fair to use the results of standardized tests to define schools’ budgets?
• Are optimism and success infectious?
• Impact of video games on students.
• Is the Bermuda triangle a creation of our imagination?

📏 Discipline-Specific Argumentative Essay Topics

If your task was to write an argumentative essay on a particular subject, try to find something in the lists below.

🌐 Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Media and the Internet

• Modern technologies make people lonelier and more depressive.
• Impact of globalization and technology on cross-cultural negotiations.
• The use of filthy language on the internet negatively affects the quality of vocabulary in daily life.
• The use of the Internet in police technology.
• Modern teenagers lack survival skills due to their reliance on technology .
• Live communication will soon minimize due to smartphones.
• The educational system gains more than it loses with the development of technologies.
• Technology and healthcare: a shortage of healthcare providers and the aging demographics.
• Facebook and other social networks pose a threat to your privacy.
• The internet violates intellectual property rights.
• The role of technology in the work of nurses and its analysis.
• Did school shootings increase due to the popularity of video games ?
• Politics and social movements: race, ethnicity, and the use of social media.
• Do gadgets limit children’s imagination?
• Will rapid technological development lead to a global crisis?
• Social media for law enforcement.
• The dependence of the world on the internet is excessive.
• Internet users need online censorship .
• Sites that promote aggressive or inadequate behaviors, violence, etc., must be banned.
• Computers and technology in law enforcement and investigations.
• Kids should be denied access to the internet .
• Virtual relationships cannot exist for a long time.

👩‍🎨 Argumentative Essay Topics on Culture

• Does conceptualism make art lose its value?
• Do the lyrics in today’s songs make any sense?
• How do logos change the perception of a brand?
• Does modern art require talent, or can one rely on ambition only?
• Is poetry relevant anymore?
• How do gangsta rap and rock music address violence, racism, and social issues?
• Is there a superior kind of art, or do they all have equal value?
• Does mainstream culture make people dull and limited?
• Impact of computer technology on architecture.
• Does free access to unlimited information on the Internet make us more knowledgeable?
• Violent music and its impacts on children.
• Should one be wealthy to be able to build a career in art?
• Is the art of professional criticism lost for good?
• Is American cinematography worse than European, or is it prejudice?
• Gender role in the music videos.

‍🤝 ‍Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Issues

• Freedom of speech is more important than the prevention of extremism.
• Combating drug abuse: public policy issue .
• Small talks are a very effective way to maintain lots of social connections.
• Immigrants should be treated and perceived the same way as other members of society.
• Public policies in the healthcare sector.
• Universities consider the individual characteristics of their students for a more efficient studying process.
• Compliance with COVID-19 measures is a personal choice of each individual.
• Major healthcare reforms in the US.
• Is it socially acceptable to remark to a stranger who is being very ill-mannered?
• Global health promotion and wellness.
• Is gender-specific etiquette a relic of society, or should it still be followed?
• Is social inequality a result of the market economy?
• Government response on growing inflation and unemployment rates.
• If each millionaire in the world donated $1 per day to needy people, there would not be poverty.
• US gun control policies should be stricter .

🦹 Argumentative Essay Topics on Gender In/Equality

• Does gender discrimination still exist?
• Gender differences in military negotiations.
• Male discrimination is not less relevant and important than female.
• Gender studies should be taught at school.
• Ethnic and gender diversity issues in policing.
• Gender oppression resulted in almost no female explorers, politicians , and other outstanding figures in different fields.
• Gender bias in child care and child health: global patterns.
• The level of gender equality positively correlates with the GDP of a state.
• Straight white men are to blame for female oppression.
• Gender issues faced by psychiatric-mental health nurses.
• Would a women-dominated society be much more sufficient?
• Objectification of women through female genital mutilation.
• Female persons are in greater danger of sexual exploitation.
• Highly religious communities could never achieve gender equality.
• Positive gender discrimination is as wrong as negative one.

💸 Argumentative Essay Topics on Business

• Testing products on animals is unacceptable in the modern world.
• Environmental economics issues and policies .
• How much do economic and political conditions determine the well-being of a business?
• Businesses’ obligations with respect to the environment .
• Focus on the market doesn’t result in much prosperity.
• International business and supply chain management.
• Studying business will not make you a successful businessman.
• Monetary benefits for employers are more effective than moral encouragement.
• Joe Biden’s Pressure to lift US-China supply chain tariffs.
• Corporate training is crucial for employees.
• Can a company succeed without a proper marketing strategy?
• Unemployment in the Gulf States.
• With the continually growing competitiveness, it is harder to enter the market than it used to be in earlier days.
• Motivating factors for women entrepreneurs.
• Do local businesses need more support than big companies?

📖 Argumentative Essay Topics on History

• History has no subjunctive mood.
• Elizabeth I’s leadership. English history.
• Should denying the Holocaust be criminalized?
• Should there be an opportunity to sue governments for historical crimes?
• Equal opportunities throughout American history.
• Is there any possibility of fair solutions for land conflicts?
• Russia and the US getting involved in the Middle East conflict worsened the situation.
• US military involvement in Mexico’s drug wars.
• Particular persons started the worst wars in history.
• Witch-hunt in Europe during the Middle Ages.
• Karl Marx might have had the biggest ever impact on society.

🕹️ Argumentative Essay Topics on Technologies

• Can artificial intelligence be dangerous for human civilization?
• Impact of information technology business outsourcing and off-shoring.
• Should developed countries invest more in space exploration than in social problems?
• Homeland security intelligence gaps in the US.
• Will driverless cars cause more problems, or is it a better choice?
• Automation of manufacturing not only jeopardizes related jobs but also organically creates new working places.
• How can information technology be used to gain a competitive advantage?
• Has Silicon Valley failed to solve the world’s technological revolution problems?
• Information technology in Saudi Arabia’ education.
• Will the rise of machines undermine democracy?
• Can cryptocurrency actually replace banks?
• Videogaming can make people smarter.
• Li-Fi technology: goals and significance.
• Individuals should have a right to erase all their personal information online .
• Cyberwars are overrated.
• Vehicle tracking technology project management.
• Smart gadgets make people lose their decision-making and practical thinking skills.

🤝 Argumentative Essay Topics on Politics

• Political presence in non-political events (Olympic Games, Eurovision Song Contest, the Oscars, etc.) should be eliminated.
• National security VS people’s privacy. What should be dominant?
• The American government’s ban on Tik-Tok .
• Should all the countries that have nuclear weapons destroy them?
• North Korea’s nuclear problem: impact and solutions.
• Do illegal migrants have to be deported provided help?
• African conflicts and critical problems.
• Should there be a universal basic income on a state level for everyone?
• The places in the parliament (or any other highest governing institution) should have equal gender division .
• Should patriotism be part of decision-making when it is about international relations?
• Felony disenfranchisement: serious problems.
• Would it be more efficient to make one government for all countries globally?
• Issue priorities in Biden’s budget.
• Voting has to be compulsory for everyone.
• Politics and economy in healthcare system.
• Robots should substitute presidents.

🤓 Argumentative Essay Topics on Education

• Should both the author and the person who copied be accused?
• How does government legislation impacts educational institutions?
• Should students hand over their gadgets before the class?
• Educational policies on internal and local populations.
• Does it improve the studying process if a teacher spends time with students outside of the classroom?
• Should a student be allowed to express their creativity if it deviates from the studying process?
• Professional goals for public health education .
• Bullying at school depends on how good the education is given in a school.
• Public education budget shortage analysis.
• A student’s success is influenced by their classmates more than by their parents .
• Nursing education systems in Kenya and Ireland .
• Boys and girls should attend different schools.
• Women’s rights movement impact on education.
• Students should be allowed to choose the courses they want to study.
• Should the legal drinking age be lowered to 18?
• What is the role of art in society, and how should it be supported?
• Should animals have the same rights as humans?
• Should parents have the right to make all decisions for their children, or should children have more autonomy?
• Should the use of plastic straws be banned globally?
• Is it ethical to use virtual influencers (AI-generated personas) for marketing purposes?
• Is it acceptable to use psychedelic drugs for spiritual or religious purposes?
• Should all countries switch to a four-day workweek?
• Is it ethical to use virtual reality technology for empathy training?
• Should the study of philosophy be a mandatory part of school curriculums?
• Should parents have the right to choose the gender of their child?
• Is technology making us more connected or more isolated?
• Should schools focus more on teaching practical life skills rather than academic subjects?
• Are mental health issues being taken seriously enough in society?
• Are professional athletes overpaid, or do they deserve their high salaries?
• Is it ethical to use mind-reading technology to prevent crime?
• Would it be justified to use time travel to change historical events?
• Is it reasonable to have a national holiday dedicated to celebrating socks?
• Should people be allowed to have pet dinosaurs?
• Is it practical to have a mandatory “silly walk” zone in every city?
• Is it reasonable to have a mandatory silly hat day every week?
• Is it acceptable to eat breakfast foods for every meal?
• Should the official language of the world be emoji-based?
• Is it practical to have a mandatory daily nap time for adults?
• Should all transportation be replaced with giant hamster balls?
• Should we have a mandatory “dance like nobody’s watching” hour every day?
• Should people be required to wear sunglasses at all times, even indoors?
• Should people be allowed to communicate exclusively through interpretive mime?
• Should all work meetings be conducted in the form of a talent show?
• Is it reasonable to have a mandatory “bring your pet to work” day every week?
• Is it better to have a dog or a cat as a pet?
• Everyone should read the book before watching the movie adaptation.
• Is it better to play board games or video games for family bonding?
• Listening to music on vinyl records vs. digital streaming platforms.
• Should hobbies be included as part of a school curriculum?
• Is it better to watch movies in the theater or at home?
• Should siblings share a bedroom or have their own rooms?
• Is it better to have a single favorite hobby or multiple hobbies?
• Is it better to listen to music while working or study in silence?
• Should pets be allowed in restaurants and cafes?
• Should pets have their own birthday parties?
• Should families eat dinner together at the table every night?
• Is it better to play classic board games or modern board games?
• Is it better to watch movies in 2D or 3D format?
• Should schools have a “Pajama Day” or “Crazy Hair Day”?

What’s next?

Having selected a good topic to argue about, you now need to create an argumentative essay outline . Read and analyze some persuasive essay examples to learn more about the structure and vocabulary used in this type of essay.

If you liked our good and easy argumentative essay topics, then take a look at our other helpful essay topic articles.

For more amazing essay ideas, check out:

• Best Psychology Persuasive Speech Topics & Essay Ideas
• Top 100 Research Topics for ABM Strand Students

Happy writing, dear friends! See you again!

🔎 References

• How to Write a Good Argumentative Essay: Easy Step-by-Step Guide
• Argumentative Essays, Purdue University
• 50 Compelling Argumentative Essay Topics
• 401 Prompts for Argumentative Writing
• All Debates | IQ2US Debates

414 Proposal Essay Topics for Projects, Research, & Proposal Arguments

725 research proposal topics & title ideas in education, psychology, business, & more.

406 Fun Essay Topics & Argumentative Ideas

• Icon Calendar 18 May 2024
• Icon Page 3646 words
• Icon Clock 17 min read

Fun essay topics facilitate an exploration of creativity, joy, and personal interests. These prompts offer an alternative to traditional academic subjects, giving individuals the freedom to write about some themes, such as their preferred superhero, the most unconventional dream they have experienced, or their experience tasting an unusual cuisine. Various topics may range from exploring the unforeseen advantages of late risers, a comparison of life’s difficulties between contemporary teenagers and prehistoric dinosaurs, or space racing to elaborating on personal theories regarding extraterrestrial life or vividly describing an envisioned ideal holiday. These ideas are designed to incite curiosity, bring about unique perspectives, and promote humor. Thus, fun essay topics provide a refreshing aspect from standard paper themes, and they serve as a platform for imaginative exploration, offering an opportunity to display personal insight and sophisticated writing skills.

Best Fun Topics

• The Secret Life of a Couch Potato: Fun-Filled Weekends at Home
• Unwrapping the Mystery: The Delightful Journey of Chocolate Creation
• Embracing Your Inner Child: The Science Behind Love for Cartoons
• Virtual Journeys: Exploring the World Through Video Games
• Tickling Taste Buds: The Exciting Evolution of Ice Cream Flavors
• Rainbow Skies: Unveiling the Magic of Kite Flying
• Puppet Masters: The Joy and Artistry of Marionette Creation
• Water Warriors: Unpacking the Fun History of Water Gun Battles
• Vacationing at Home: Transforming Your Living Room Into a Beach Resort
• Pizza Perfection: The Satisfying Journey of Making Your Own Pizza
• Serenades in Sleepwear: The Wacky World of Bedroom Concerts
• Laughter Therapy: The Proven Benefits of a Good Belly Laugh
• Bubbles and Wonders: The Surprising Art of Soap Making
• Fairy Lights Fantasies: Creating Magical Worlds in Your Backyard
• Trampoline Tricks: The Science and Fun Behind Bouncing High
• Sandwich Stacks: The Creative and Delicious Art of Sandwich Making
• Hidden Messages: The Enthralling Adventure of Deciphering Secret Codes
• Dragon Tales: The Fascination With Mythical Creatures in Popular Culture
• Experiencing Extraterrestrials: The Fun Side of Alien Conspiracy Theories
• Doodle Dreams: The Joy and Healing Power of Scribbling
• Board Game Bonanza: The Thrilling Evolution of Family Game Night
• Wacky Inventions: The Humorous Side of Failed Gadgets
• Dancing Dishes: The Lively Culture of Cooking Show Competitions

Easy Fun Topics

• Candy Creations: The Sweet Artistry Behind Novelty Sweets
• Spooky Stories: The Fun of Creating Your Own Ghost Tales
• Mustache Movements: The Humorous History of Facial Hair Trends
• Robots Rule: The Exciting Future of Toy Robots
• Magical Mornings: The Joy of Breakfast in Bed Traditions
• Costume Capers: The Colorful World of Cosplay
• Pillow Fight Physics: The Science Behind Soft Impact
• Backyard Biomes: Creating Miniature Ecosystems at Home
• Wacky Wardrobes: The Fun of Dressing Up for Non-Special Occasions
• Movie Magic: The Delight of DIY Special Effects
• Time Travel Trials: The Fun of Imagining a Day in the Past
• Fortune Cookie Fun: The Art and Humor of Writing Fortune Cookie Messages
• Heroic Hamsters: The Entertaining Antics of Small Pets
• Paper Plane Pilots: The Joy and Aerodynamics of Paper Airplanes
• Make-Believe Metropolis: The Fun of Constructing Cardboard Cities
• Pajama Parties: The Evolution and Joy of Sleepovers
• Balloon Bonanza: The Surprising Uses of Balloons in Fun and Art
• Comic Chronicles: The Fun and Impact of Creating Your Own Comics
• DIY Decors: The Joy of Crafting Home Decorations
• Jigsaw Journey: The Mind-Boggling Pleasure of Puzzle Completion
• Nighttime Navigators: The Fun and Science of Stargazing
• Scavenger Hunt Hysteria: The Thrilling Tradition of Treasure Hunts
• Mystical Mermaids: The Fascinating Appeal of Sea Sirens in Pop Culture
• Quirky Quotations: The Joy of Collecting Funny Sayings
• Origami Odyssey: The Art and Pleasure of Paper Folding
• Whistle Wonders: The Fascinating Art of Bird Imitation
• Storybook Superheroes: The Fun of Designing Your Own Comic Character

Interesting Fun Topics

• Sticker Stories: The Colorful History and Uses of Stickers
• Karaoke Kings: The Entertainment Factor of Home Singing Competitions
• Sock Puppet Spectacles: The Joy and Creativity of Homemade Theater
• Apron Artists: The Delight of Baking Decorative Cookies
• Jump Rope Jamboree: The Fun and Fitness of Skipping Games
• Recess Rebels: The Pleasure of Schoolyard Games Revisited
• Lego Landscapes: The Endless Creativity of Building Bricks
• Campfire Chronicles: The Art and Excitement of Storytelling Around a Fire
• Kitten Kingdom: The Whimsical Antics of Playful Kittens
• Time Capsule Treasures: The Thrill of Burying and Uncovering Hidden Gems
• Teddy Bear Tales: The Heartwarming Stories Behind Childhood Toys
• Biscuit Banquet: The Fun of Hosting a Teddy Bear Tea Party
• Furry Friends’ Fashion: The Exciting World of Pet Costumes
• Sunflower Surprises: The Joy of Growing Your Own Garden
• Invisible Ink Intrigue: The Delight of Writing Secret Messages
• Squirrel Shenanigans: The Humorous Antics of Backyard Wildlife
• Action Figure Adventures: The Unseen World of Toy Storytelling
• Snack Stand Saga: The Fun of Running a Lemonade Business
• Starship Stories: The Adventure of Creating Sci-Fi Tales
• Dream Diary Discoveries: The Fascinating Interpretation of Dreams
• Marshmallow Marvels: The Creative Joy of Building Candy Structures
• Bubble Bath Bliss: The Science and Fun of Bubble Baths
• Monster Myths: The Thrill of Creating Your Own Legendary Creature
• Paper Boat Brigades: The Joy and Physics of Floating Origami
• Garden Gnome Giggles: The Humorous History of Lawn Ornaments
• Sidewalk Chalk Spectacles: The Pleasure of Outdoor Art
• Prankster Prodigies: The Art and Ethics of Good Pranks
• Sea Shell Secrets: The Beauty and Mystery of Beachcombing
• Snowflake Symmetry: The Fun and Science of Making Paper Snowflakes
• Dinosaur Digs: The Excitement of Backyard Fossil Hunting

Fun Essay Topics for High School

• Unfolding the Mysteries of Dreamland: An Exploration of Dream Interpretations
• Discovering Hidden Talents: A Journey Beyond Traditional Skills
• Thrills and Chills: A Personal Narrative on Roller Coaster Rides
• The Magic of Music: Impact of Different Genres on Mood
• Art from Trash: The Potential of Upcycling in Modern Society
• Weighing the Merits of Chocolate: Unusual Health Benefits
• Superheroes Among Us: Real-Life Examples of Extraordinary Humans
• Beneath the Waves: Adventures in Underwater Exploration
• In Praise of Puppies: The Psychological Benefits of Pet Ownership
• Comprehending Comic Books: The Art and Psychology Behind Them
• Time Travel Possibilities: Exciting Destinations in Different Eras
• When Robots Rule: Imagining a Future with Advanced AI
• Laughter as Medicine: Examining the Science of Humor
• Intriguing Extraterrestrial Life: Theories and Potential Impacts
• Futuristic Fashion Trends: Predicting the Unpredictable
• Living Among Dinosaurs: A Thought Experiment
• Unveiling Virtual Reality: Opportunities Beyond Gaming
• Whispers From Space: Deciphering Cosmic Messages
• Intricacies of Ice Cream Making: The Sweet Science Behind It
• Transformative Street Art: Its Role in Urban Renewal
• Unlocking the Secret Language of Twins
• Dance Across Cultures: The Rhythm of Life
• Coffee Connoisseurs: An Insight Into the World of Specialty Brews
• Behind the Scenes: Unusual Jobs in the Film Industry

Fun Essay Topics for Middle School

• Fitness Fun: Examining the Joy of Group Sports
• Curiosities of Carnivals: The History and Evolution
• Dynamic Drumming: Rhythmic Stories From Around the World
• Intricate Origami Creations: The Science Behind Paper Folding
• Taste Travels: Culinary Delights from Diverse Cultures
• Breaking Down Magic Tricks: The Science of Illusion
• Adventure in the Amazon: Life Lessons From the Rainforest
• Wonders of the Deep Sea: Marvelous Creatures Below
• Grand Illusions: The Role of Special Effects in Movies
• Hidden Messages in Song Lyrics: A Linguistic Analysis
• Graffiti Galleries: Street Art as a Cultural Phenomenon
• Retro Gaming Revival: The Comeback of 90s Video Games
• Wild Weather Phenomena: A Closer Look at Mother Nature’s Wrath
• Trampoline Triumphs: The Science of Bouncing High
• Power of Podcasts: Exploring the Surge of Digital Radio
• Exploring Escape Rooms: The Psychology of Problem-Solving Under Pressure
• Understanding Urban Legends: The Role of Storytelling in Societies
• Riddle Me This: The Role of Puzzles in Cognitive Development
• Inspiring Innovations: Unusual Inventions That Changed the World
• Zooming Into Zoos: The Evolution and Impact of Animal Conservation
• Magic of Cooking: Unusual Recipe Experiments
• Sustainability in Fashion: The Rise of Eco-Friendly Trends
• Trekking Tales: Personal Experiences of High Mountain Hikes
• Planet-Friendly Eating: Benefits of a Vegan Lifestyle
• Marvels of Modern Architecture: Exploring Iconic Landmarks

Fun Essay Topics for College Students

• Innovations in Comedy: Impact of Social Media
• Theme Parks: Catalysts for Adult Imagination
• Video Games: The Psychological Benefits
• Unveiling Hidden Artistry: The Graffiti Revolution
• Cultural Explorations: A Deep Dive Into Anime
• Laughter Therapy: Healing through Humor
• Mystery of Escape Rooms: Psychological Thrillers in Reality
• Celebrating Eccentricity: The Appeal of Funky Fashion Trends
• Fusion Food: The Love for Global Cuisines
• Coffee Culture: A Socio-Economic Analysis
• Thrills of Extreme Sports: Risk vs. Reward
• The Intricacies of Magic Tricks: A Dive into Illusion
• Music Festivals: An Impact on Youth Culture
• Sustainability in Fashion: Can Luxury Be Eco-Friendly?
• Culinary Delights: The Science Behind Baking
• Photography: The Art of Seeing the Unseen
• Evolution of Dance Styles: A Global Perspective
• Movie Magic: Impact of Special Effects
• Tattoos: Expressions of Personality or Social Rebellion?
• Exploring Virtual Reality: Prospects for Education
• Evolution of Memes: Internet Culture and Society
• Role of Cartoons: Influence on Childhood Development
• Jazz: Syncopation and Improvisation in American Culture
• The Allure of Alien Conspiracy Theories

Fun Essay Topics for University

• The Revolution of DIY: Creative Empowerment
• The Attraction of Vintage: Why Old Becomes Gold?
• The Thrill of Roller Coasters: Physics Meets Fun
• Origami: The Grace of Paper Folding
• Puzzles: The Psychology Behind Problem-Solving
• The Joy of Camping: Reconnecting With Nature
• Astrology: The Fascination With Celestial Influence
• The World of Fantasy Sports: A Virtual Gaming Phenomenon
• Street Performances: The Charm of Impromptu Artistry
• The Excitement of Thrift Shopping: Treasure Hunting in the Modern Age
• Tea Ceremonies: The Rituals and Significance
• The Wonders of Wildlife Photography: Capturing the Unpredictable
• The Influence of Fairy Tales: The Power of Storytelling
• Magic of Museums: Preserving the Past
• Body Language: The Unspoken Communication
• The Joy of Jigsaw Puzzles: A Study in Patience and Perception
• Toy Collecting: The Passion Behind The Hobby
• Whodunit? A Look at the Popularity of Murder Mysteries
• Roller Derby: An Exploration of an Alternative Sport
• Haunted Locations: Exploring the Paranormal
• Unveiling Superheroes: Psychology Behind Masked Vigilantes
• The Art of Making Chocolate: A Sweet Adventure
• Mysteries of the Deep Sea: Unexplored Ecosystems
• The Power of Makeup: Transformations and Self-Expression
• Wine Tasting: The Science of Sensory Perception

Funny Persuasive Essay Topics

• Why Would Aliens Make Terrible Best Friends?
• Implications of Appointing Cats as World Leaders
• The Hidden Health Benefits of Chocolate: A Comprehensive Study
• The Consequences of Banning Social Media: A Satirical Look
• Advantages of Teaching Dragons: Unveiling Mythical Classrooms
• Robots Replacing Santa Claus: A Technological Approach
• Zombies Deserve Civil Rights: An Undead Perspective
• Embracing Pineapple on Pizza: A Controversial Culinary Exploration
• Unicorns in Urban Environment: A Fantasy Approach
• Pros and Cons of Having a Pet Dinosaur
• Pigeons as Covert Government Agents: Unfolding the Feathery Mystery
• Superheroes Needing Insurance: An Economic Spin
• Humor as a Survival Tool during Zombie Apocalypses
• Plants Deserve Voting Rights: A Green Perspective
• Bigfoot for President: A Campaign to Remember
• Why Should Humans Hibernate: An Animalistic Insight?
• Benefits of Befriending Ghosts: A Paranormal Investigation
• Martians Invading Earth: A Satirical Take on Planet Colonization
• Time Traveling for Vacation: A Futuristic Approach
• Teaching Werewolves Etiquette: A Supernatural Protocol
• Toddlers as CEOs: Harnessing Untapped Potential
• Transforming Schools Into Video Game Arenas: A Radical Shift
• Imposing Curfews on Adults: A Juvenile Revolution
• Invading Mars for Delicious Martian Cookies

Fun Argumentative Essay Topics

• Embracing a Day Without Gravity: Astronauts’ Guide to Everyday Life
• Cockroaches for Pest Control: An Ironic Take
• Encouraging Parents to Believe in Santa: Rekindling Childhood Magic
• Why Should Homework Be Abolished: A Kid’s Manifesto
• Laughter Therapy as a Cure-All: A Medical Marvel
• Giving a Voice to Pets: Creating an Animal Parliament
• Mirrors as Portals to Parallel Universes: Theoretical Applications
• Teleportation for Daily Commute: A Quantum Leap
• Substituting Coffee With Hot Sauce: An Unorthodox Wake-Up Call
• Winning Arguments by Speaking Gibberish: An Unconventional Strategy
• Proving the Existence of Mermaids: An Underwater Expedition
• Celebrating Christmas in July: Reimagining Traditions
• Adopting Squirrels as House Pets: A Nutty Proposition
• Making Bed-Making an Olympic Sport: A Competitive Twist
• Enforcing Mandatory Nap Times at Workplaces: The Sleep Revolution
• Moon Cheese: Unraveling Lunar Gastronomy
• Inviting Extraterrestrials for Dinner: A Galactic Gastronomy Experiment
• Abolishing Weekdays: A Plea for Perpetual Weekends
• Living Life as a Cartoon Character: A Colorful Perspective
• Why Should Toilets Be Made of Gold: A Lavish Proposal?
• Inventing a New Language: A Linguistic Adventure
• Adapting to Life With Invisible Friends: A Paranormal Perspective
• Devising a Winning Strategy in Pillow Fights
• Telepathy as a Primary Communication Method: Advantages and Pitfalls
• Why Should Vampires Donate Blood: An Ironic Proposition?

Fun Expository Essay Topics

• Impacts of Video Games on Cognitive Development
• Exploring the Science Behind Laughter
• Unraveling Secrets of the Universe: Black Holes
• Influence of Social Media on Interpersonal Communication
• Evolution of Music: From Vinyl to Streaming
• Art of Storytelling: How Books Shape Imagination
• Psychology of Color: Affects on Mood and Behavior
• Magic of Animation: How Disney Transformed Filmmaking?
• History and Impact of Comic Books on Pop Culture
• Fascinating World of Cryptocurrency: Bitcoin and Blockchain
• Journey to Mars: Wonders of Space Exploration
• Power of Dreams: Understanding Science Behind Dreaming
• Rise of Artificial Intelligence and Societal Implications
• Marvels of Ancient Architecture: Egypt’s Pyramids
• Science of Taste: Palate’s Influence on Food Selection
• Surprising Benefits of Meditation on Mental Well-Being
• From Bean to Bar: Journey of Chocolate
• Intriguing World of Forensic Science and Crime Investigation
• Phenomenon of Virtual Reality: Immersion and Possibilities
• Enigma of Time Travel: Theories and Paradoxes Explored
• Impact of Social Media Influencers on Consumer Decision-Making
• Power of Positive Thinking: Leveraging Mind-Body Connection
• Secrets of Effective Public Speaking: Persuasion and Influence
• Evolution of Fashion: From Ancient Times to Modern Trends

Sarcastic Humor Topics for Fun Essays

• Astonishing Irony: Perfecting the Art of Misunderstanding
• Fantastic Blunders: When Penguins Take Over Roller Coasters?
• Majestic Absurdity: Skydiving Without a Parachute
• Unforgettable Catastrophes: How to Win at Failing Miserably?
• Epic Nonsense: Discovering the Meaning of Life in a Toaster
• Hilarious Serendipity: Tripping Over a Thought
• Quirky Brilliance: Sleeping While Running a Marathon
• Ridiculous Wisdom: Unlocking the Universe With a Rubber Duck
• Unparalleled Folly: Winning the Nobel Prize for Being Average
• Witty Ineptitude: Organizing Chaos in a Sandstorm
• Captivating Irony: Falling in Love with a Parking Ticket
• Whimsical Disasters: Dancing Ballet in Flippers
• Marvelous Absurdity: Baking a Cake With Invisible Ingredients
• Enigmatic Triumphs: Winning a Poker Game With Unseen Cards
• Delightful Catastrophes: Turning Left When the Map Says Right
• Peculiar Serendipity: Discovering Atlantis in a Fishbowl
• Sublime Nonsense: Balancing the World on the Tip of a Pencil
• Breathtaking Folly: Traveling to Mars in a Shopping Cart
• Exhilarating Absurdity: Solving World Hunger With Rubber Chickens
• Whimsical Ineptitude: Playing Basketball With Oven Mitts
• Captivating Irony: Singing Off-Key in a Soundproof Room
• Unforgettable Disasters: Mastering Silence in a Room Full of Speakers
• Quirky Brilliance: Inventing a Square Wheel that Rolls
• Ridiculous Wisdom: Solving Complex Equations With Emojis
• Marvelous Nonsense: Breaking the Sound Barrier With a Whisper
• Breathtaking Folly: Building a Sandcastle on a Volcano

Funny Topics

• Sleepover Spectacles: The Fun of Midnight Movie Marathons
• Sandbox Sovereigns: The Joy and Creativity of Sand Castles
• Puzzling Pranks: The Intriguing Art of April Fool’s Day
• Lullaby Lyrics: The Soothing Power of Bedtime Songs
• Rainbow Recipes: The Fun and Art of Making Colorful Foods
• Bathtub Boats: The Science and Fun of Floating Toys
• Puppy Parade: The Delight of Staging a Pet Fashion Show
• Flashlight Fortunes: The Thrill of Nighttime Treasure Hunts
• Popcorn Party: The Excitement of Homemade Movie Nights
• Slumber Party Secrets: The Joy of Pillow Fort Construction
• Imaginary Friends: The Importance and Fun of Invisible Companions
• UFO Unraveling: The Excitement of Alien Life Theories
• Terrarium Tales: The Fun of Building Your Own Miniature World
• Footprint Forensics: The Adventure of Tracking Animals in Your Backyard
• Sand Artistry: The Pleasure and Techniques of Sand Sculpting
• Glow-in-the-Dark Games: The Thrill of Playing After Sunset
• Mysterious Mail: The Joy of Writing and Receiving Anonymous Letters
• Planetarium Play: The Wonder of Creating Your Own Starry Sky
• Bug Bonanza: The Fascinating World of Insect Collection
• Jack-in-the-Box Jests: The History and Humor of Surprise Toys
• Wind Chime Wonders: The Joy of Creating Your Own Melodies
• Childhood Chronicles: The Nostalgia of Recalling Favorite School Memories
• Magic Markers: The Delight of Creating Your Own Art Supplies
• Bubble Wrap Bliss: The Satisfaction and Science Behind Popping Bubbles
• Feathered Friends: The Fun of Birdwatching from Your Window
• Superhero Showdown: The Thrill of Imagining Character Battles
• Poetic Puns: The Art and Humor of Writing Funny Poems

Funny Research Topics

• Rock Band Revival: The Joy of Forming Your Own Music Group
• Whirligig Wonders: The Delight of Pinwheel Crafting and Physics
• Silly Shadows: The Fun and Science of Shadow Puppetry
• Footloose in Flip-flops: The Lighthearted Story of Summer Shoes
• Imaginary Islands: The Excitement of Mapping Your Own Dream Land
• T-shirt Transformations: The Joy of DIY Clothing Customization
• Veggie Visions: The Fun of Growing Your Own Produce
• Nature’s Notebook: The Pleasure of Keeping a Wildlife Journal
• Riddles and Revelations: The Art of Creating and Solving Riddles
• Treehouse Triumphs: The Adventure of Building Your Own Hideout
• Extravagant Elixirs: The Science and Fun of Making Colorful Drinks
• Limerick Laughs: The Art of Writing Humorous Poems
• Comic Strip Capers: The Joy of Creating Your Own Humorous Series
• Pancake Portraits: The Fun and Art of Breakfast Doodling
• Cloud Conundrums: The Delight of Identifying Sky Formations
• Miniature Marvels: The Pleasure of Building Dollhouse Furniture
• Hide-and-Seek Hysterics: The Joy of Revisiting Childhood Games
• Radioactive Radishes: The Humorous Side of Garden Experiments
• Colorful Cauldrons: The Excitement of Mixing Safe Chemistry Experiments at Home
• Glow-in-the-Dark Graffiti: The Art and Fun of Nighttime Drawings
• Chasing Chameleons: The Adventure of Creating Camouflage Art
• Leafy Landscapes: The Beauty and Fun of Autumn Art Projects
• Playground Physics: The Science Behind Swings and Slides
• Box Car Bonanza: The Excitement of Creating Cardboard Vehicles
• Paper Mache Planetarium: Crafting a Universe in Your Bedroom
• Homemade Harmony: The Fun of Creating a DIY Musical Instrument
• Cereal Box Cinema: The Delight of Crafting a Puppet Theater
• Bedroom Balloons: The Joy and Science of Static Electricity

Relationship Humor Topics for Fun Essays

• Laughing Through Love: Hilarious Tales of Dating Disasters
• Quirky Quips: Comical Moments in Romantic Relationships
• Chuckles and Chats: Funny Conversations With Your Partner
• Amusing Amore: Silly Situations in a Committed Relationship
• Witty Wooing: Humorous Approaches to Flirting and Courtship
• Side-Splitting Partners: Laughing at Life With Your Loved One
• Comedic Connections: Jokes and Laughter in Relationships
• Relationship Rib-Ticklers: Funny Stories From Couples
• Hysterical Hearts: Couples Who Cannot Stop Laughing Together
• Love and Laughter: A Comedy Duo’s Guide to Relationships
• Silly Sweethearts: Endearing Absurdities in Love
• Humorous Hearts: Finding the Funny in Your Relationship
• Giggles and Grins: Hilarity in Everyday Relationship Moments
• Relationship Riddles: Puzzling yet Funny Love Encounters
• Hilarious Harmonies: Laughing Together in a Couple’s Life
• Cheeky Companions: Lightheartedness in Romantic Partnerships
• Jovial Journeys: Comic Adventures With Your Significant Other
• Love Laughs Loudly: Embracing Humor in Relationships
• Quips and Connections: A Comical Exploration of Love
• Laughing Lovers: The Power of Humor in Couples
• Whimsical Whispers: Playful Banter in Romantic Relationships
• Mirthful Mates: Couples Who Master the Art of Laughter
• Relationship Roast: Good-Natured Teasing Between Partners
• Amorous Antics: Funny Antics and Pranks in Love
• Hilarity and Harmony: Comedy as a Bonding Experience
• Bubbly Bliss: Finding Joy in the Absurdities of Love

Funny Families Topics

• Hilarious Hijinks: Unforgettable Adventures of a Quirky Family
• Belly Laugh Bonanza: The Comedic Antics of a Zany Household
• Chuckle Chronicles: A Family’s Misadventures in Comedy
• Giggle Galore: Rib-Tickling Moments With an Eccentric Clan
• Laughter Fiesta: The Side-Splitting Escapades of a Whimsical Family
• Chortle Central: A Hilarious Clan’s Daily Dose of Laughter
• Snicker Saga: Funny Tales From a Colorful Family
• Guffaw Gala: The Comedy Extravaganza of a Goofy Household
• Humor Haven: A Family’s Riotous Ride through Life
• Comedy Carnival: Hysterical Shenanigans With a Lively Clan
• Joke Jamboree: The Witty Antics of a Playful Family
• Laugh Riot: Unstoppable Laughter With a Hilarious Bunch
• Whimsy Wonderland: The Lighthearted World of a Delightful Family
• Witty Wonderland: The Clever Chronicles of a Dynamic Household
• Hilarity Headquarters: Nonstop Funny Moments With a Wacky Clan
• Chucklesome Chronicles: Entertaining Anecdotes From a Joyful Family
• Laugh-a-Thon: A Family’s Hilarious Journey Through Life
• Quirk Quandaries: Peculiar Predicaments of a Comical Household
• Humorous Havoc: The Laughter-Filled Chaos of a Whacky Family
• Jovial Junction: A Family’s Merry Mayhem in Everyday Life
• Snicker Spectacle: The Funny Feats of an Extraordinary Clan
• With Whirlwind: Whimsical Tales From a Witty Household
• Comic Caper: A Family’s Mischievous Adventures in Comedy
• Laughing Legacy: A Hysterical Heritage Passed Down Through Generations
• Giggles Galore: Endless Laughter With a Lively Bunch
• Chuckle Chronicles: The Amusing Antics of an Enthusiastic Family

Life Experiences & Personal Stories Fun Essay Topics

• Unforgettable Journey: Exploring the Majestic Mountains of Nepal
• Transformative Adventure: Backpacking Through South America’s Rainforests
• Serendipitous Encounter: Finding Love on a Parisian Street
• Empowering Challenge: Overcoming Fear and Conquering a Marathon
• Life-Altering Decision: Embracing Entrepreneurship and Building a Successful Startup
• Unexpected Reunion: Rediscovering Lost Connections on a Remote Island
• Empathetic Journey: Volunteering at an Orphanage in Africa
• Triumph over Adversity: Surviving a Near-Death Experience and Rediscovering Purpose
• Soul-Searching Quest: Embarking on a Spiritual Retreat in the Himalayas
• Awe-Inspiring Spectacle: Witnessing the Northern Lights in Norway
• Trailblazing Pursuit: Becoming the First Female Astronaut in Space
• Resilient Recovery: Overcoming Addiction and Rebuilding a Fulfilling Life
• Extraordinary Connection: Bonding With a Stranger During a Cross-Country Train Ride
• Breathtaking Expedition: Sailing Across the Pacific Ocean Solo
• Unexpected Friendship: Finding a Lifelong Companion in a Rescue Animal
• Reflective Sabbatical: Disconnecting From Technology and Rediscovering Inner Peace
• Courageous Escape: Fleeing a War-Torn Country in Search of Safety
• Inspiring Mentorship: Learning Life Lessons From an Elderly Wisdom Keeper
• Pursuit of Passion: Turning a Hobby Into a Successful Artistic Career
• Challenging Cultural Immersion: Living With an Indigenous Tribe in the Amazon Rainforest
• Healing Retreat: Rediscovering Self-Love and Inner Healing in Bali
• Unbreakable Bond: Nurturing a Long-Distance Relationship Across Continents

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• Scriptwriting

How to Write Comedy — Tips, Techniques & Script Examples

A sk any creative writer what the hardest genre to write is and they’ll probably tell you that it’s comedy. That’s because story structure can only bring you so far in comedy writing – the fact of the matter is that if you aren’t funny, you aren’t funny. So how do you become funny? Do you read joke books? No! Like everything else, you practice until you become perfect – well, not perfect per se – most comedy writers would be happy with just okay. We’re going to show you how to write comedy, with script examples from 21 Jump Street and Curb Your Enthusiasm , but first, let’s define comedy writing.

Guide to Comedic Writing

What is comedy writing.

In simplest terms, comedy writing is a genre of writing that is intended to be funny. There’s much more to it than that, but first and foremost, the chief goal is to make the audience laugh. Let’s watch a quick video to hear one of the most successful comedy writers of all-time, Jerry Seinfeld, explain the basics of comedy writing.

Writing Comedy  •  Jerry Seinfeld on How to Write a Joke With The New York Times

Comedy writing is something you don’t see people doing. It’s a secretive thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld

As Seinfeld suggests, comedy writing is a very secretive thing. One reason why is because most comedy writers feel like their material has to be perfect before it’s presented. 

Think about it this way: let’s say you write a dramatic stage play. There’s no way to tell if the audience hated it – except if they fell asleep, then I’d say it’s fair to say they hated it. Now let’s say you write a comedic play. If the audience doesn’t laugh at the jokes, then you know they hated it.

You know, they know, everybody knows – a joke that doesn’t land is a special type of shame . It’s for this reason that comedy writing can feel so personal. The most important thing to remember is that nobody is funny 100% of the time, but by taking inspiration from some of the best, we can improve our craft.

Comedy writing doesn’t have to be a solitary craft. Due to the advent of the internet, comedy is more collaborative now more than ever. This next video explains how the Lonely Island sketch “Dear Sister” helped to usher in a new era of comedy.

How to Write Comedy  •  How ‘Dear Sister’ Changed Comedy by Karsten Runquist

The difference between Seinfeld’s traditionalist advice on comedy writing and Karsten Runquist’s new-age analysis is that one says that comedy is achieved by plot ; the other says that plot is achieved by comedy. Think of memes for example: what makes a meme funny? Well, I’d say memes are funny because somebody doesn’t “get it.”

A meme is like an inside joke between millions of people – but once it breaks out of that “inside” bubble, then it ceases to be funny. This teaches us something essential about comedy writing; almost always, somebody has to be the butt of the joke. No matter how big or small, somebody has to be made fun of. It’s this very notion that makes comedy writing so difficult. 

Rules of Comedy, Explained

Tips and tricks for writing comedy.

One of the most difficult aspects of comedy script writing is finding the right person to perform it. You could write something really clever, but if it’s performed in a tone that’s incongruent to what you mean, then it’s not going to sound funny.

So when writing any sort of comedy, don’t be afraid to add emphasis. That’s true in more ways than one – emphasize the punch-lines to your jokes, emphasize specificity, and emphasize contradictions. 

Like any type of writing, comedy writing relies on conflict . In this scene from Meet the Parents , the family patriarch Jack interrogates his daughter’s boyfriend Greg. Pay attention to how screenwriters Jim Herzfeld and John Hamburg entice us with character conflict.

How to Write Comedy  •  Watch the Meet the Parents Lie Detector Test Scene

I wanted to look at this scene for a couple reasons. The first is that it’s a great structural example of how to put together a comedic scene. The mean dad, clueless boyfriend trope is just that... a trope. So how do the writers make it feel refreshing and new?

Well, it starts with emphasis and exaggeration. Jack isn’t just any dad, he’s a former CIA operative. And Greg’s not just a clueless boyfriend, he’s a walking bad-luck charm. So in a structural sense, this relationship is primed for comedic conflict.

Here are five great tips for writing a comedy scene:

• Take a typical situation and exaggerate it
• Let tension build
• Use specificity
• Embarrass someone
• Finish with a bang

Now let’s see how Meet the Parents  utilizes these five strategies.

• Greg is visiting his girlfriend’s family. This is a typical situation – and at some level, it’s something we can all relate to. But it’s exaggerated by Jack’s CIA background.
• Say you’re the writer of a story like  Meet the Parents  and you have a great structural conflict between two characters (Jack and Greg) – how do you take that tension and build it? Well, start by putting the two characters in close proximity.
• Specificity is a double-edged sword in comedy writing. Notice how Greg is wearing Jack’s pajamas with the little JB insignia on the chest-pocket? That’s funny. Notice how there are a bunch of pictures of Jack undercover in the CIA? That’s funny. And it’s funny because it’s not forced on us.
• Jack embarrasses Greg by asking him uncomfortable questions. Situationally, this is funny, and it’s elevated by Robert De Niro’s great deadpan delivery. 
• Like Jerry Seinfeld said, always save the best joke for last. It’s an expectation in comedy writing that you’re going to end with a bang. In this scene from  Meet the Parents , it’s when Jack asks Greg if he watches porn.

WRITING COMEDY TIPS

How to make your script funny.

Would you believe me when I say there’s a secret technique you can use to instantly make any scene funnier? No, that sounds too good to be true! But alas, it is.

The technique known as irony  – which is defined as being the opposite of what we expect – can turn any scene on its head.

How to Write Comedy  •  21 Jump Street Screenplay

21 Jump Street went through a lengthy rewrite process. In this revision of the script, undercover cops Jenko and Schmidt arrive at a scene somewhat akin to what we see in the original tv show. There’s nothing wrong with the scene as it was originally written – but the final version of the scene shows just how much a difference irony can make.

Here, Jenko takes the lead, expecting to command the crowd like he did in high school. But as Bob Dylan famously said, the times are a-changin’. 

How to Write Comedy  •  Watch 21 Jump Street 

We expect Jenko to be considered “cool.” But instead, he’s condemned. Conversely, we expect Schmidt to be considered “lame.” But instead, he’s celebrated. This is irony . This character dynamic makes 21 Jump Street feel refreshing. If you’re considering writing a comedy script, think about how contrived character stereotypes can be subverted with irony. 

Writing Comedy Taboos

Things to avoid in comedy writing.

Most comedians will tell you that no topic is off-limits in comedy writing. And although that may be true, just remember that it’s really hard to make certain things funny – and you’re not going to win audiences over making jokes about taboo subject matter. 

We’ve all heard the saying “read the room” before, but how do we “read the room” when we’re writing alone? Well, one way is to take notes when you’re out in public, then transcribe them into a routine, sketch, or scene later. If you know Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm , then this process may sound familiar.

This next video explains Larry David’s writing process for Curb in further detail.

Comedy Writing Techniques  •  How to Write Comedy Like Larry David by StoryDive

The reason I bring up Curb in regards to “what to avoid in comedy writing” is because Larry David is a master of navigating that ever-so-delicate line. Take this clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Nine, Ep. 8 for example.

How to Write Humor  •  Study Perspective in this Curb Your Enthusiasm Clip

In this montage scene, a Muslim investigator looks into Larry’s past to see if he deserves a fatwa. In each part of the montage, a delicate subject matter is addressed. Why is it funny? Well, it’s all about perspective. In Curb Your Enthusiasm , Larry is consistently made out to be the bad guy. By framing him as the good guy, we see the ludicrousy of the show’s situations in a new light.

Don’t be afraid to play with perspective. Sometimes, the comedy of a scene is found in a perspective you would’ve never guessed. Consider framing your comedic situations in different ways.

This experimentation will often help you find the best angle to present your jokes.

Comedy lessons from Gene Wilder

We touched on a lot of the foundational aspects of comedy writing, but there’s so much more to it than what we went over here. In this next article, we break down how to direct actors, with special emphasis on how Gene Wilder changed comedy. By studying Wilder’s comedic style, we can learn a lot about how to be a better comedy writer.

Up Next: Directing Comedy Actors →

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Funny argumentative essay topics, bob cardens.

• September 10, 2022
• Essay Topics and Ideas

If you’re looking for a way to spice up your next essay, look no further than these funny argumentative essay topics! By choosing a topic that you’re passionate about and making a case for your point of view, you’ll be sure to craft an essay that’s both entertaining and informative.

What You'll Learn

List of Fifty Funny Argumentative Essay Topics

1. How to be a successful student and still have time for a social life 2. Is it possible to get straight A’s and still be popular? 3. Should college students have to take classes they don’t want to? 4. Is it better to be rich and famous or happy and content? 5. Who is more likely to succeed in life: the optimist or the pessimist? 6. Is it better to be beautiful or brainy? 7. Which is more important: talent or hard work? 8. Is luck more important than skill when it comes to success? 9. Should wealthy people be required to pay more taxes? 10. Are beauty pageants harmful to women? 11. Is it morally wrong to eat meat? 12. Should the government do more to regulate the food industry? 13. Should there be stricter laws against child abuse? 14. Should abortion be legal? 15. Is capital punishment morally wrong? 16. Are zoos cruel to animals? 17. Should animals be used for scientific research ? 18. Should the drinking age be lowered? 19. Should smoking be banned in public places?

20. Should the government do more to protect the environment? 21. Should there be stricter gun control laws? 22. Should the death penalty be abolished? 23. Are people too dependent on technology? 24. Is too much emphasis placed on standardized testing in schools? 25. Are schools doing enough to prevent bullying? 26. Is social media making us more or less connected to each other? 27. Should the voting age be lowered? 28. Should felons be allowed to vote? 29. Should the government do more to combat climate change ? 30. Is the patriarchy still a problem in our society? 31. Is feminism still relevant? 32. Do men and women communicate differently? 33. Are women held to higher standards than men when it comes to appearance? 34. Do women face discrimination in the workplace? 35. Are minorities underrepresented in politics? 36. Is affirmative action still necessary? 37. Does immigration contribute to cultural dilution? 38. Should English be the official language of the United States? 39. Do refugees pose a threat to national security? 40. Is Islam compatible with Western values? 41. Should there be stricterlimits on abortion? 42. Is abortion morally wrong? 43. Should adoption be encouraged more? 44. Should artificial intelligence be feared or embraced? 45. Should we colonize space? 46. Is nuclear power a safe energy source? 47. Should fracking be banned? 48. Is the war on drugs a failure? 49. Should marijuana be legalized ? 50. Are people becoming too dependent on technology?

List of Fifty Funny Argumentative Essay Ideas

1. Why you should never trust a dog with your food.

2. The time I tried to be a vegetarian and failed miserably.

3. Why you should never give up on your dreams.

4. How to win an argument with someone who is clearly wrong.

5. The benefits of always being prepared for anything.

6. Why you should never take advice from your parents.

7. How to argue with a friend and still remain friends.

8. The importance of always being yourself.

9. How to deal with people who talk too much.

10. Why you should never judge a book by its cover.

You can also check out :

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50+ Funny Argumentative Essay Topics

Table of Contents

Joking on a serious note.

Essay writing is primarily used in schools and colleges to gauge the research, writing, and most importantly, thinking capabilities of the students. Teachers provide lectures and impart insights regarding the art and craft of writing. At the end of the semester, students need to show how much they have learned to retain and have been able to put into practice.

Many students believe that the tenser, and academically inclined topics they choose, the brighter their chances will be to score good marks. This cannot be further from the truth as teachers hardly regard topics, but the structure, thesis, and overall format of the essay. That’s why you can joke on a serious note!

Outlining Your Argumentative Essay Before Writing

Argumentative essay writing is one of the common types employed in academic institutions to gauge the capabilities of the students. It is different from narrative and descriptive essays because it follows a logical sequence of arguments and sticks to a rigid structure and organization. There are many types of argumentative essays, but they rely on starting with an argument and then gathering evidence to support its soundness.

Outlining the argumentative essay from the beginning provides a clear heading and discernible scope to the essay. Students will know which resources to scour and which evidence to earmark for further use. If a writer fails to outline his argumentative essay from the start, he will have a hard time keeping up with the deadline. That’s why we have added this step of writing in our guide on writing an argumentative essay in the concluding sections of this blog.

Can Funny Topics Become Controversial?

Argumentative essays can be written on funny topics or ideas that seem preposterous to the school and college professors. As we have mentioned earlier, what matters the most is how the execution of the essay is done by the writer, not the solemnity of his topic.

There is always a chance that when students go this unusual way, they might face controversy and criticism from the teachers. In a way, this is about argumentative essay writing. You can develop an argument no matter how absurd it may seem. You can work on it by gathering the necessary information, developing a thesis, and then moving on to the writing part. If it sticks in the face of scrutiny from both peers and professors, it is right. The controversy is not always bad, especially when it leads to new developments in human thought.

Funny Topics For School And College Students

Students love to joke around the campus. The pranks can go too far, but the comedy and hilarity in writing show more than just jokes. Writers who can write witty punch lines with impeccable timing can score well in their academic writing too. All they need to do is learn the ropes of academic writing.

In this section, we will go through some of the best funny topics that students can explore in their argumentative essays at different levels, from college to middle school.

Fun Argumentative Essay Topics For College

The college provides much more artistic freedom to students and young writers compared to high school and lower academic echelons. Since there are dedicated programs for writing, they can learn and apply the knowledge of writing across their studies. This not only helps them in broadening their academic horizon but also helps them to explore a novel side of writing. Here are our topic suggestions for college.

• Cigarettes are a great way to break the ice with strangers
• Dating apps are a disaster for romance and intimacy
• Freedom of expression should have a cost
• Is it teachers or parents that are to blame in the end?
• The Middle East is a ripe ground for democracy
• Fast food companies provide cheap and healthy food
• Global warming helps us keep warm in winters
• The world will be a better place without religion
• Organic food is over-rated
• Marketing gimmicks are the norms 
• Conflicts should be welcomed in healthy relationships
• Why lecture attendance is a problem for lazy students
• Taxing the rich is the best way to help the poor and the needy
• Sex education is harmful to young adults
• Paying for music should be compulsory

Hilarious Argumentative Essay Topics For High School

For many young writers, high school is where their love for writing and learning starts. It is where they see the possibilities in restraints. Funny topics are not welcomed in school because of the conservative approach toward learning. Especially the topics that can incite controversies are avoided at all costs. Still, there are grey areas that students can explore in their search for a funny argumentative essay.

• Facebook is the best place to know your teachers 
• If companies cannot outsmart their competitors, they should copy it
• Internet should be highly censored, especially for comedy and fun content
• Customer complaints are the best source of learning for businesses
• Energy drinks should become mandatory in schools
• Social media is the best source to learn the truth
• There is no racial bias in the police system of the US
• People can end their lives as it is their right
• Terrorists should be treated with clemency
• Mind or body or body over mind – a simple discourse
• The court system today has no flaws at all
• The radical redistribution of wealth will eradicate poverty
• Guns should have rights to own people
• There is no need for gender inclusivity 

Funny Argumentative Essay Topics For Middle School

Middle school is not the place where students can have their say in picking a funny topic for an argumentative essay. Teachers provide topics and even detailed guidelines on how to develop an argument and then crystallize it through a thesis statement. Still, if students get a chance to write on the topic of their choice, one of these funny argumentative essay topics will be great.

• Vegetarians are destroying plants
• The internet is the bane of human being’s existence
• The death penalty should be revived for economic purposes
• Governments should pay their citizens
• Governments should not provide free medical services to people
• Political activism is a mess
• We are now farthest than ever from World War 3
• Public surveillance cameras are for security purposes
• The sky is the limit for space exploration
• Marijuana is the wonder cure for all maladies
• Overuse of smartphones is not bad at all
• There should not be any educational limit for the police force
• Nature is killing us by default
• Illegal drugs are not bad for us at all
• The right to vote should be banned in democracies

Amusing Argumentative Essay Topics

Irrespective of the level of academics, funny topics come and go on campuses. There is always empowering for students to be able to pick up a topic and do justice to it, whether it is funny or serious. Argumentative essays often carry a serious countenance but they can act as perfect tools to make a joke – even on a serious note. Here are some more great suggestions.

• Employees should be allowed to use social media at work
• Companies are obligated to send birthday presents to their clients
• Staying at home all day is better than staying at an office all day
• Shakespeare plagiarized all of these plays from obscure writers
• Internet slang should be included in the dictionaries
• Full-day kindergarten is better for parents
• The English language is not simple at all
• Kids should be paid to draw on walls
• Music is a therapy for the rich and the spoiled
• Modern schools are better off without the internet
• Online classes are better than in-person classes
• Medical practices in primitive cultures were not evasive
• Hospitals should employ placebo treatments to save real drugs
• Innovations are making us agiler and healthier
• Bosses are the oxygen of modern corporate culture

How To Ace Your Argumentative Essay

After going through the best funny topics for your argumentative essays, it is time to take a look at how to approach writing one. Students know what an argumentative essay is and what its characteristics are, but they may find themselves at odds while sitting down to write. This is where this little guide will walk them through different steps.

• Start with sifting through multiple ideas. Just because an idea came into your head at a fortunate moment did not mean it was the best one. Try numerous ideas before settling on one
• Arguments need to be blasted out of the ground – figuratively. It is hard to have an impeccable argument readily at the back of your head. You may have to work hard to nurture one
• We have already discussed the importance of outlining your argumentative essay in the opening sections. Suffice it to say that you can easily complete your write-up quickly if you heavily outline it in the first place
• After all these preliminary steps, what’s left is to sit down and write. No need to get worried if there are any errors or inconsistencies in the essay. They can all be weeded out in the editing and proofing stages

What are some fun argumentative essay topics?

Fun argumentative essays can help writers work through controversial areas with ease. Since they are cloaked in humor, they can easily “get away” with certain things. Here are some areas that can add a twist to the topics:

• Commentary on social norms and issues
• A witty take on systems
• Issues with politics and economy
• Discourse on the human condition

What should I write about for a fun essay?

It takes serious writing to compose funny essays – pun intended. Writers need to research a lot and make sure their points are made across without being died down in the process. The best thing that writers should do for fun essays is to employ literary devices such as satire, similes, metaphors, and so on.

What are good argumentative essays?

Argumentative essays have the primary purpose of persuading the readers. Here are some of the characteristics of good argumentative essays:

• Rational in approach
• Neutral tone and voice
• Reliance on empirical evidence
• Well-structured

What are some interesting arguments?

Interesting arguments need to be novel in their content and approach. They should explore new angles and ideas, especially when connecting the dots for the readers. Any argument can be interesting if it is well-founded and backed by evidence.

What are some good essay topics for high school?

High school essay writing is important because it helps writers to gain the necessary knowledge. This vocation readily helps them in getting admission, among other things. If you want to know some good and funny essay topics for argumentative essays in high school, this blog post has plenty.

How can I write funny argumentative essays that are not controversial?

Fun and comedy can garner controversy. But as long as you stick to the research and arguments backed by empirical evidence, there are few chances that your funny argumentative essay will not meet controversy.

Funny Academic Essay Writing

Narrative and descriptive essay writing are considered the easiest because they allow writers to showcase their angle on the topic or the problem. An argumentative essay is often backed by evidential information with heavy reliance on proofs. But you can explore different hilarious topics in argumentative essays, as long as their nature remains intact and it checks all the boxes.

This guide has covered major parts of essay writing along with some topic suggestions for writers. While writing argumentative essays with a twist, will help them a lot.

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The Enduring Charm of “Miss Congeniality”: a Cinematic Gem

This essay is about the enduring appeal of the film “Miss Congeniality,” starring Sandra Bullock as an unpolished FBI agent who goes undercover in a beauty pageant. It highlights the film’s humor, character development, and subtle critique of societal expectations regarding femininity. The essay discusses how the movie balances comedy with deeper messages about authenticity and self-acceptance. It also praises the performances of the supporting cast, especially Michael Caine and Heather Burns, and emphasizes the film’s positive portrayal of personal growth and inner beauty. Overall, “Miss Congeniality” is celebrated for its unique blend of entertainment and thoughtful social commentary.

How it works

“Miss Congeniality,” a film released in 2000, has etched itself into popular culture as a delightful and enduring comedy. Starring Sandra Bullock as the unpolished FBI agent Gracie Hart, the movie is more than just a humorous take on beauty pageants. It offers a unique blend of comedy, character development, and a subtle critique of societal expectations regarding femininity and professionalism.

At its core, “Miss Congeniality” is a fish-out-of-water story. Gracie Hart is an FBI agent known for her rough edges and tomboyish demeanor.

When a terrorist threat targets the Miss United States beauty pageant, Hart is reluctantly transformed into a contestant. The premise alone sets the stage for a series of comedic mishaps and heartfelt moments, as Hart navigates the world of pageantry with the grace of a bull in a china shop. Bullock’s portrayal of Gracie Hart is both charming and relatable, striking a perfect balance between awkwardness and determination.

The film’s humor is one of its most memorable aspects. It deftly uses physical comedy and witty dialogue to highlight the absurdities of beauty pageants while also celebrating the camaraderie and spirit of the contestants. Scenes such as Hart’s training montage, where she learns to walk in heels and apply makeup, are both hilarious and endearing. These moments underscore the stark contrast between her FBI persona and the polished pageant contestants, generating laughter while also fostering a sense of empathy for her struggles.

Beyond the comedy, “Miss Congeniality” offers a deeper commentary on the pressures women face to conform to societal standards of beauty and behavior. The character of Gracie Hart challenges these norms by remaining true to herself, even as she undergoes a physical transformation. The film subtly critiques the notion that a woman’s worth is tied to her appearance, highlighting instead the importance of authenticity, intelligence, and resilience. This message is particularly resonant in today’s context, where discussions about gender roles and expectations continue to evolve.

The supporting cast of “Miss Congeniality” also plays a crucial role in its success. Michael Caine’s performance as Victor Melling, the pageant coach tasked with transforming Hart, adds a layer of sophistication and humor to the film. His character’s initial exasperation with Hart’s lack of refinement gradually gives way to a genuine mentor-student relationship, providing some of the film’s most heartwarming moments. Additionally, the camaraderie among the pageant contestants, particularly Hart’s friendship with Miss Rhode Island, played by Heather Burns, highlights the supportive bonds that can form even in competitive environments.

“Miss Congeniality” also deserves credit for its exploration of personal growth and self-acceptance. Throughout the film, Hart’s character arc is marked by her gradual acceptance of her femininity without compromising her identity as a capable and tough FBI agent. This balance is emblematic of a broader message: that strength and sensitivity, professionalism and personal charm, are not mutually exclusive traits. The film encourages viewers to embrace their multifaceted identities, celebrating the diversity of experiences and qualities that define us as individuals.

The film’s conclusion, where Hart earns the title of “Miss Congeniality,” encapsulates its central themes. It’s not her beauty or poise that wins her this accolade, but her kindness, courage, and unwavering authenticity. This resolution reinforces the film’s celebration of inner beauty and integrity over superficial appearances.

“Miss Congeniality” remains a beloved film not only for its humor and heart but also for its progressive message about self-acceptance and the value of authenticity. Sandra Bullock’s portrayal of Gracie Hart has left an indelible mark, making her character an icon of strength and individuality in popular culture. The film’s ability to entertain while also offering thoughtful commentary on societal expectations ensures its place as a cinematic gem that continues to resonate with audiences of all ages.

In summary, “Miss Congeniality” is more than a comedy about beauty pageants; it’s a film that champions the importance of being true to oneself in the face of external pressures. Through its humor, memorable characters, and insightful social critique, it offers a refreshing take on the journey to self-acceptance and the celebration of inner beauty.

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The Enduring Charm of "Miss Congeniality": A Cinematic Gem. (2024, May 28). Retrieved from https://papersowl.com/examples/the-enduring-charm-of-miss-congeniality-a-cinematic-gem/

"The Enduring Charm of "Miss Congeniality": A Cinematic Gem." PapersOwl.com , 28 May 2024, https://papersowl.com/examples/the-enduring-charm-of-miss-congeniality-a-cinematic-gem/

PapersOwl.com. (2024). The Enduring Charm of "Miss Congeniality": A Cinematic Gem . [Online]. Available at: https://papersowl.com/examples/the-enduring-charm-of-miss-congeniality-a-cinematic-gem/ [Accessed: 29 May. 2024]

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"The Enduring Charm of "Miss Congeniality": A Cinematic Gem," PapersOwl.com , 28-May-2024. [Online]. Available: https://papersowl.com/examples/the-enduring-charm-of-miss-congeniality-a-cinematic-gem/. [Accessed: 29-May-2024]

PapersOwl.com. (2024). The Enduring Charm of "Miss Congeniality": A Cinematic Gem . [Online]. Available at: https://papersowl.com/examples/the-enduring-charm-of-miss-congeniality-a-cinematic-gem/ [Accessed: 29-May-2024]

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Star Trek: Discovery duo reunite on new vampire horror-comedy

Blu del Barrio and Ian Alexander will cross paths again.

Marking director Léa Fae Caddigan's debut feature, Blue Balls centres around a pair of best friends who unexpectedly encounter a vampire.

Production on the film is set to begin this summer (via Variety ).

" Blue Balls follows Emma, who, back at home in her small town, wants nothing more than a night of driving around and hanging out with her best friend, Mara," reads the official logline for the film.

Related: Star Trek: Discovery final season trailer promises emotional goodbye

"But when they meet Tom and Jack, Mara invites these two strangers back to their place to get to know each other better.

"The only problem is that Emma is a virgin as is Tom. But Tom's not a sexual virgin, he's a vampire who's never killed before and he's hoping tonight will be the night for him to join a centuries-old vampire fraternity."

It concludes: "As the two humans fight for their lives with every weapon they can find, this horror show turns into a comedic blood battle for their freedom."

Del Barrio will portray Mara, with Alexander set to take on the role of Callidora. The film will also feature Clare Noelle in her first starring role as Emma, as well as Ted Lasso star Charlie Hiscock, who will play the "young innocent" Tom.

Related: Star Trek: Discovery 's Sonequa Martin-Green opens up about "kaleidoscope of emotions" at learning of show's end

As well as directing, Caddigan has also written the screenplay alongside Meredith Metcalf, with Jake Casey and Danielle Benedict set to produce.

" Blue Balls is relevant to anyone who has ever felt like romance, sex, dating, and life is a survivor's sport," said Caddigan in a statement.

"I like stories that deliver deep points and hard truths with humour and action, and no one expects stunt sequences, car chases, and bloody vampires in a film that explores consent, coercion and personal agency."

Del Barrio and Alexander are currently starring as Adira Tal and Gray Tal in the final season of Star Trek: Discovery . The final episode of the series is set to premiere on May 30 on Paramount+.

Blue Balls doesn't have a release date yet. Star Trek: Discovery airs its last ever episode on May 30. It streams on Paramount+ .

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Late Night With ‘Hacks’: We Join Jean Smart, Hannah Einbinder, And Co On The Vegas Set As Season 3 Reaches Its Finale

It is three o’clock in the morning at a blackjack table inside Las Vegas’s sprawling Caesar’s Palace casino. A woman in town on business has just turned a $150 bankroll into $800, and she moves to retire to the nearby bar to buy her work family, whose fortunes at the same table have varied, a drink.

“I swear I barely know how to play,” she tells them. “But I do know the most important thing is to leave the table before your luck runs out.”

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I follow Smart to the bar — the least I can do is claim a cocktail or two to drown my sorrows — and begin to wonder if her advice was on the level. She was, after all, sat in the upstream position, very aware of the cards she needed to see from the dealer after I’d busted out.

Still, spirits are high on this first big night out in Vegas for the team behind Hacks , which includes showrunners and creators Lucia Aniello , Jen Statsky , and Paul W. Downs , and actors Hannah Einbinder and Mark Indelicato. And such is the warmth shown to the show’s mother hen, Smart, that I reluctantly decide that getting hustled by an acting icon is probably worth it, if only for the experience of it.

Probably worth it.

For three seasons now, Hacks has followed the travails of stand-up comic Deborah Vance, who we met as she attempted to spice up her material for her long-standing Vegas residency. The show debuted on HBO Max — now just Max — in 2021 and has spent much of its runtime on the Strip, or Strip-adjacent.

But Hollywood is an industry built by magicians and charlatans, so it should come as no surprise that the principal cast and crew have spent very little time here. Hacks primarily shoots further west, in Los Angeles. In fact, this is Smart’s first trip to Sin City for the show, and these three days mark the longest stretch the Hacks team has spent on location in this grown-up Disneyland.

The Hacks team is gathered outside a gaudy recreation of Rome’s Trevi fountain, right on the edge of the Strip. In Rome, the fountain spills out of the gorgeous 16 th Century Palazzo Poli. Here in Vegas, it leads from an ever-gaudier shopping mall, which is what Deborah is here to sell. The layers of artifice run deep — afront the fake fountain, a fake film crew preps to shoot an ad for the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce. A real film crew is set up to shoot them , but even they’re getting confused about which piece of lighting kit belongs to them and which is a prop for the scene.

At the center of all this chaos, Aniello, Statsky, and Downs seem remarkably relaxed. Downs has the added complication of starring in the scene too, in his role as Deborah’s long-suffering manager Jimmy. Megan Stalter, as Jimmy’s assistant-cum-special project Kayla, readies a parasol for Vance. Aniello, directing, pauses briefly to decide whether to wait for the crowd noise from the Strip, or the airplanes taking off from the nearby LAS airport, or the many party buses driving past blaring obnoxious 2000s dance ‘classics’. She rolls her eyes and determines to press ahead regardless. Then, Statsky has an idea for the scene. The trio huddle.

It is at that point that a mess of sequins sparkle against the sidewalk, preceding a woman with a tall beehive hairdo, who steps in front of the fountain clutching multiple bags of high-end designer goods. Deborah has arrived.

It has taken a long time for the cast and crew to reach this moment. “And part of that was my fault,” Smart tells me self-deprecatingly, referring to the season’s first significant pause in production, on February 14 2023, when Smart went in for what she later described as a successful heart procedure. She announced the news on Instagram, a little under two years after her beloved husband, actor Richard Gilliland, had passed away suddenly following heart complications. “Please listen to your body and talk to your doctor,” Smart wrote. “I’m very glad I did.”

It was a major surgery, Smart says, and her path to recovery took many weeks, but her colleagues on the show didn’t hesitate to give her the time she needed. Indeed, says Downs, “Most crew people, because it’s gig work, would move on to other jobs, but everybody waited because they love Jean and wanted to come back with her to this show.”

It has been this way for the Hacks cast and crew throughout its run to date, and on set, it’s clear to see the bonds that have been formed through years of collaboration. Downs, along with his fellow showrunners Aniello (who also directs) and Statsky, have fostered that environment from the start. Season 3 alone will have taken them nearly two years from start to finish, with the first words hitting the page in the spring of 2022, and post-production set to continue until right up to the show’s premiere date. At this point, “I feel like we’ve been 16-months pregnant,” laughs Aniello. “The baby’s baked and ready to go.”

“It’s an overwhelming sense of wanting the world to see it now,” says Statsky, with the finish line   in sight.

Further complicating matters for Hacks Season 3 were the two industry strikes of last year. The show would reschedule production for May 1, nine weeks after stopping for Smart’s procedure and recovery, and then shoot for a day before the Writers Guild of America announced its intention to strike beginning May 2. Hacks was one of the first shows in production to announce a complete halt, citing the need for the writing team to be on set as scenes come together.

“We wouldn’t want to make the show that way,” says Aniello. “You wouldn’t want to find some kind of loophole that allows you to keep making something, especially if you’re making a worse version of it.”

Downs says bosses were supportive of their decision. “When we told HBO that we didn’t think we could make the show the way we want to make it, they really understood. I don’t think every show had that luxury. Some people faced a lot of pressure.”

The message was heard, though, by the wider industry, and the Hacks team were grateful that the impact of their decision, and HBO’s amenability, helped other creative teams struggling to make their own cases to down tools. “It was a line in the sand,” says Statsky.

Though the writers’ strike came to an end in late September, the ongoing SAG-AFTRA strike delayed production further, with the cast and crew gathering again, finally, in December.

“What’s good about the show is that when we’re not making it, we’re usually talking about the fact that we made it, so we tend to get to be together and live in the reality of doing the show,” says Hannah Einbinder, who plays Deborah’s co-writer Ava, the Gen Z foil to Vance’s dated wit. “It sucks not to see the crew who make it every day when we’re not in production, but the show never feels far away. It does make me sad, because I wish this was my job forever, a little bit. I do prefer to be doing it than not doing it.”

It’s about 10 p.m. in Vegas before production retires for the night, and Smart, Einbinder, and the creative trio hit The Palm restaurant in the gaudy mall for dinner. Call time was 9:30 a.m., and everyone is exhausted — not least this reporter, who is blaming jetlag for his lack of stamina. But when Smart sweeps in, it’s like an injection of fresh energy. She’s already gearing up for our session at the blackjack table later, discussing the strategy she claims she’s heard about but never practiced (whatever you say, Jean).

Later, Downs will tell me that Smart brings this same energy to the set every day. “She works nonstop. She works so hard. She never phones it in.” Smart means it when she describes this cast and crew as her family. “After her surgery, she wanted to come back two weeks later, and her doctors were like, ‘Absolutely not’,” says Downs. “When she was deciding to go in for the surgery, she said, ‘But I don’t want to shut down the show.’ I happened to be with her in the hospital in that moment, and I said, ‘Jean, worry about your health only in this moment.’”

“It’s just the most wonderful work environment to be a part of,” Smart says, placing the credit for her fervor firmly at the feet of her collaborators. “I was talking to a young man who just worked on the show for a day. He might have been one of the caddies when we play golf this season. But we were sitting around, and he said this was the most welcoming set he’d ever been on, and it’s true. If they hadn’t created that environment, I just couldn’t imagine being able to do it. I would shrivel up.”

Smart remembers the Frasier set having a similar energy. It was her guest role on that show that brought her the first two of those five Emmys (the most recent two are for Hacks ). But she’s also the only one who won’t credit herself for fostering it. When Einbinder was auditioning to play Ava, the team had narrowed the field to three actresses who would screen test with Smart. She remembers receiving a call from Smart the night before, reassuring her that she would be supportive, and that Einbinder needn’t be nervous.

“Everyone always talks about building chemistry,” says Einbinder now. “‘How did you build the chemistry between you?’ But we didn’t build anything. It was there from day one.”

“I feel like Jean and I started to spend time with one another every day when there was a lot of life happening for both of us,” adds Einbinder. “We leaned on each other pretty early on. Of course, we laugh together, which is a great bonding force, but so much life has happened since we got to know each other. She’s been through so much, and I’ve been through so much. She has allowed me to be there for her, and that has felt like an honor.”

Einbinder, who is currently in post-production on her stand-up comedy special for Max, is never shy to count the blessings Hacks has brought her. “This show has made every other opportunity in my life possible,” she says. “I was a feature act for other comedians when I got cast, and it instantly made it possible for me to headline and sell tickets.”

“I told her I want 5%,” cackles Smart with a devilish glint.

When they first pitched Hacks to networks around town, the creative trio imagined a five-season arc, and even described the very final scene of the series in every pitch meeting they took — all except one, with Max’s comedy chief Suzanna Makkos, who would wind up buying the show. “It’s a really interesting thing,” says Downs, “because all of the networks knew the end of the show, and Suzanna cut us off before we got there and said, ‘I get the show, it’s bought, we don’t need to keep doing this.’”

“She’s the only one who doesn’t know how it ends,” laughs Statsky.

But neither do Smart and Einbinder, who both say they don’t want to know just yet. “They said they had five seasons of this in their heads, but that was it,” says Smart of her first meeting with the team. “Well, then it was five… it might be different now.”

“That’s still our plan,” says Aniello. “We started pitching the show in 2019, but we’ve been thinking about it since 2015, so we’ve had a great time to plot out and talk about where we wanted the show to go.”

“Yeah,” says Statsky, laughing, “But I’m in some debt, so…”

“Our fortunes at the blackjack table tonight might dictate the future of the show,” jokes Smart.

The show’s third season picks up the action about a year after we last saw Deborah and Ava. And the cast list alone was a relief for Einbinder, who remembers the moment she read the finale of Hacks ’ second season, in which Deborah cuts Ava loose and instructs her to pursue her own dreams as a writer. “I had no idea what was going to happen at the end of the season,” Einbinder laughs, recalling the memory. “So, I read this last script and I just started crying. I called Jen, Paul, and Lucia, and I said, ‘Am I fired?! Are you writing me off the show?’”

Of course, they quickly reassured her that wasn’t the case. “They didn’t know just how low my self-esteem was,” chuckles Einbinder, as Smart gives her a hug. She says she has since learned more about the show’s trajectory.

Part of that five-season plan was always going to factor in a return to the topic raised in the show’s pilot. Sometime in the past, Deborah had shot a pilot for a late-night television show, a job she had coveted from the start of her career. But it was never picked up, and Deborah had done her best to forget it had happened until Ava unearthed the tape in her voluminous archive.

In Season 3, late-night comes back. “It has been a lynchpin of the whole series in a way,” says Downs. “As we were writing the season, Chelsea Handler went on a campaign to take over from Trevor Noah, and it was still being talked about while we were making the show.”

Hacks has obsessed itself with poking at these industry hypocrisies, particularly when it comes to the roles women are forced to play. Deborah is one of the rare survivors; a woman whose career has ebbed and flowed, but who has lasted for decades in one guise or another. And yet, we first met her at the financial zenith and creative nadir of any performer’s career: a Vegas residency. Sure, Deborah’s mansion could comfortably house a small country, but the person we come to know is far from the entertainment industry overachiever we’re frequently convinced someone of her stature must be. Deborah’s victories have been hard-fought. She has been treading water her entire career, and she can’t admit to herself that she is exhausted from the effort, because to do so would be to lose everything she has built.

For Ava, too, this pressure is ever-present. Cancelled for tweeting an off-color joke, the promising career she felt she had ahead was snatched away from her before it had even begun. Writing jokes for a hack comedian — and one who has made her stock-in-trade a mean-spirited version of her comedic faux-pas, no less — is Ava’s own creative nadir. Watching the ruthlessness with which Deborah fights for her place on the stage revolts Ava. But though she couches her own fight in self-righteousness, the two are not so dissimilar. Both are forced, constantly, to become ever more wicked versions of themselves to keep afloat. Deborah is just years further down the road of making her peace with that.

“We’ve always said this show is a redemption story for them both,” says Aniello. “And that redemption takes a while, because of where we find them in the beginning; both outcasts of the entertainment industry.”

Season 3, then, will end on a higher note than the two that preceded it. “Finally,” adds Aniello, “we’ve given Deborah her white whale.” But though it might end well, things are never quite all well; Deborah has harpooned the beast, but she will have to hold onto it as it thrashes. “And that’s not something we feel like we’re ready to resolve in a single season,” hence another two seasons ahead.

“It’s giving her what she wanted for so long, but at what cost?” asks Statsky. The sting in the tail of Season 3 is that Deborah cuts Ava loose again the second she fears that fighting for her might jeopardize that prize. That’s a line too far for Ava, who has spent three years now struggling for her place at Deborah’s side.

“What we’re setting up is that Deborah is now on the biggest stage of her career,” says Statsky. “She’s got this huge gig that she now has to make work, because it’s what she’s wanted more than anything. But now she’s at odds with her closest collaborator — and closest friend, to be honest — because she has betrayed her.”

In perhaps the most electric of the season’s many charged scenes, Ava will punch back. When Deborah decides to maintain the status quo by not replacing the show’s head writer with Ava, Ava will take a leaf out of Deborah’s playbook. “Much to Deborah’s dismay,” notes Smart, “Ava has learned the lessons she taught her a little too well.”

It’s a mark of a show that has firmly ensconced itself into the creative consciousness that big name guest stars start lining up for their chance to join in. Hacks has always had an impressive roster, but Season 3 ups the ante by several notches. Among the names on the call sheet this season: Helen Hunt (“who out-Deborahs Deborah,” notes Smart), Christopher Lloyd, and J. Smith Cameron, to name just three. Even that Las Vegas mainstay Carrot Top graces the set with his presence.

“When I’m coming to work and I’m opposite Jean, I’m always coming to play,” says Einbinder. “But I definitely feel like I gotta have nerves when the big dogs come to play. All these people come in who are so iconic, and suddenly, they’re just sitting there, knitting at their chair between scenes. Everybody slots right into the environment that Paul, Jen, and Lucia built.”

J. Smith Cameron plays Deborah’s estranged sister, Kathy, and must surely be on every voters’ Guest Star ballots by now. “I’ve admired her for so long,” says Smart. “For her to come onto the show after Deborah has been talking about her horrible sister for two seasons, and then to play that person who turns out to be very sweet… She was wonderful. We have a similar approach to our work, and we had a great time together. We’re already conspiring to do a play together.”

The scenes between Deborah and Kathy hit with the kind of familial truths that have percolated the show since its premiere. Hacks is, at its most fundamental level, an uproarious comedy. That has always been the first intent of this creative team. But as a study of human nature, especially within the confines of this business of show, its third season has been particularly adept at getting to the root of what drives us. Many of this show’s characters feel like archetypes in the broadest terms, but especially this season, those archetypes have been dismantled.

In the main cast, as well as Ava and Deborah, there is Marcus (Carl Clemons-Hopkins), the fan-turned-business manager who has been forced this season to clear some more of the fanatical shine he has lathered on Deborah for so many years. There is Kayla, the nepo baby assistant who is so unaware of her blind spots that she can’t even detect when she’s being competent. And Jimmy, her boss, who has been forced to take her along for the ride because, deep down, he’s aware of his own easy walk into his career.

Jimmy and Kayla have a particularly touching moment in the season’s finale, details of which I again must skirt. “You get to understand more about where Kayla is coming from and how she became the person she is,” hints Downs. “I think we’ve really tried, with every member of our ensemble, to deepen our understanding of what their journeys are, and what they really want.”

The moment of catharsis for Jimmy and Kayla is somehow both hilarious and touching in equal measure. “It’s such strong comedy from Paul and Meg,” says Statsky. “But it’s also so sweet. It’s a testament to them as actors, that they’re able to do both in a single scene. The hardest thing to do in comedy is to elicit true empathy while being so funny. It’s a high-wire act that they both perform beautifully.”

Though I don’t witness this particular moment on set, it becomes clear very quickly that the script is a jumping off point. Take after take, this creative team finds new veins to mine. Ideas don’t just float between Aniello, Statsky and Downs; they come from everybody, and if they’re funnier than what’s on paper, they get shot.

“What’s great is that I’ve been involved in the editing, I’ve directed, and I’ve written on the show,” says Downs, “so as an actor, I feel very free to be able to live each scene on the day, and to change things. There isn’t a huge amount of improvising, to be honest with you, because we move so quickly. We shoot a lot of pages in a day. You have to be disciplined about how you change things and be really, really prepared. But having such a great scene partner like Meg, we’re able to bounce off of each other.”

Downs is right; improvisation is not the right word for it. Particularly on the bonus features of Adam McKay movies, we can see that process, as some of the funniest actors around riff altenative lines for minutes at a time, trying ceaselessly to say the right zany thing. On Hacks , alt lines are written into the script multiple times an episode. This feels almost like an invitation on the day of the shoot, to keep things open to possibility. But the luxury of throwing mud against the wall until something sticks doesn’t compute when there’s only a few short months to bank nine episodes. Changes must be more precise; and they must be earned instead of indulged.

In the scene outside Caesar’s, I witness how this is realized. The underlying gag of the scene is so subtle that it isn’t immediately apparent: the first AD on this commercial introduces himself to Deborah at the start of the scene. They roll a take on her, she yells, “Shopping!”, holding her designer bags aloft. And then the director calls cut and the same first AD announces, “That’s a wrap on Deborah Vance.” All of this production value, at one of the busiest spots on the Strip, to capture one word in a single take. We’re left to wonder just how sizable the check was that brought Deborah to this set.

The scene, as written, calls for Deborah to smile at the applause that greets her wrap announcement, curtsey theatrically, and then move to her car. At some point, the suggestion becomes: what if Deborah completely ignores the plaudits, drops the bags to the curb, and wanders off oblivious and disinterested? All of a sudden, the scene has the punch it needs.

“Sometimes, it’s only when you get something up on its feet that you realize something’s slightly off,” says Aniello. “It doesn’t feel quite right. And so, we’ll huddle together and figure out a solve. Sometimes those moments are so intense, like you’re on a game show and you have two seconds to find the answer, but the more we’ve done it, the better we get at it, and at this point, it’s like we have a gut feeling as to what our characters would do in any given moment.”

“We live for the tiny things,” adds Downs. “The tiny tweaks that you almost can’t describe, and sometimes that’s because it’s not even that something doesn’t work to begin with. It’s just like, ‘How can I tickle it a little more?’”

After a long season with many unfortunate, unavoidable gaps in production, it seemed fitting to Smart that filming should end with a proper trip to the Entertainment Capital of the World. “It was so perfect that we were wrapping up that long, long season in Vegas,” she says. “It was a chance for our entire cast and crew to party together, and overindulge slightly, and it was a real shot in the arm at the end of the season.”

Months later, I discover my six dollars’ worth of chips buried at the bottom of my luggage. “Level with me,” I ask Smart when we reconnect. “You hustled me at that blackjack table, didn’t you?”

There is that cackle again; Smart’s riotous laugh that she has gifted to Deborah Vance. At once wicked and delightful, it deserves its own place in television’s hall of fame. “Oh, I wouldn’t say that ,” she demurs. “I was only trying to help.”

The trouble is, I believe her. She really has earned every single one of those Emmys.

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Bill Maher slams criticism of his attitude toward liberals: 'Your ideas are stupid'

by RAY LEWIS | The National Desk

WASHINGTON (TND) — Comedian Bill Maher pushed back on criticism of his attitude toward the political left in a CNN interview Monday.

Maher, who has previously said he tends to vote for Democratic candidates, mocked liberal stances on gender, economic and social issues Monday. He told host Fareed Zakaria he will point out ideological shifts wherever he sees them.

"There are things that have to do with gender and race and free speech and ideas about, ‘you can be healthy at any weight’ and ‘gender is always a social construct’ and ‘maybe we should give communism another try’ and ‘maybe we should get rid of capitalism and the border patrol’ and ‘let’s tear down statues of Lincoln and get rid of the police.’” the comedian said. “It’s not that I’ve gotten old. It’s that your ideas are stupid.”

Maher has made headlines recently for his criticism of issues promoted by left-leaning figures, including pro-Palestine protests on college campuses. He said he has made fun of liberals more than he used to recently due to the left’s perceived ideological shift.

They have this idea – the younger generation, maybe every generation does – that just because something is new, makes it better. And that’s not true,” Maher said. “New is not synonymous with better.”

READ MORE | Bill Maher rails against Trump, says Democrats are 'still a sane party' compared to GOP

The Democratic and Republican parties think of each other as existential threats, he added, while highlighting the increased polarization that has taken root in government.

When you hate people, you don’t listen to them. So, it doesn’t matter how reasonable they might be,” Maher argued. “We have reached this place where each side thinks the other side is an existential threat. You hear that term from both sides all the time.”

President Joe Biden has said former President and presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump is a threat to democracy, citing his pledge to be a dictator on the first day of a second term in the White House. Trump has also refrained from committing to accepting the results of the upcoming presidential election if he does not win.

“You hear more about it all the time – people who are actually pining for it, ‘Civil war. Come on, let’s do this thing. National divorce,’” Maher said. “It can’t work. It won’t work.”

READ MORE | Bill Maher calls Biden 'cadaver-like' compared to Trump: 'He's Dracula'

The deep roots of the increased polarization in the U.S. will make it difficult to form a collaborative government, Maher argued.

“This goes back a long way, so it’s going to take a long way to get back to some sort of normalcy,” he said. “Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can go back to the top.”

Follow Ray Lewis on X for trending national news @rayjlewis or send a tip to [email protected] .