personal essay about loneliness

Paris, 1951. Photo by Elliot Erwitt/Magnum

Loved, yet lonely

You might have the unconditional love of family and friends and yet feel deep loneliness. can philosophy explain why.

by Kaitlyn Creasy   + BIO

Although one of the loneliest moments of my life happened more than 15 years ago, I still remember its uniquely painful sting. I had just arrived back home from a study abroad semester in Italy. During my stay in Florence, my Italian had advanced to the point where I was dreaming in the language. I had also developed intellectual interests in Italian futurism, Dada, and Russian absurdism – interests not entirely deriving from a crush on the professor who taught a course on those topics – as well as the love sonnets of Dante and Petrarch (conceivably also related to that crush). I left my semester abroad feeling as many students likely do: transformed not only intellectually but emotionally. My picture of the world was complicated, my very experience of that world richer, more nuanced.

After that semester, I returned home to a small working-class town in New Jersey. Home proper was my boyfriend’s parents’ home, which was in the process of foreclosure but not yet taken by the bank. Both parents had left to live elsewhere, and they graciously allowed me to stay there with my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend during college breaks. While on break from school, I spent most of my time with these de facto roommates and a handful of my dearest childhood friends.

When I returned from Italy, there was so much I wanted to share with them. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend about how aesthetically interesting but intellectually dull I found Italian futurism; I wanted to communicate to my closest friends how deeply those Italian love sonnets moved me, how Bob Dylan so wonderfully captured their power. (‘And every one of them words rang true/and glowed like burning coal/Pouring off of every page/like it was written in my soul …’) In addition to a strongly felt need to share specific parts of my intellectual and emotional lives that had become so central to my self-understanding, I also experienced a dramatically increased need to engage intellectually, as well as an acute need for my emotional life in all its depth and richness – for my whole being, this new being – to be appreciated. When I returned home, I felt not only unable to engage with others in ways that met my newly developed needs, but also unrecognised for who I had become since I left. And I felt deeply, painfully lonely.

This experience is not uncommon for study-abroad students. Even when one has a caring and supportive network of relationships, one will often experience ‘reverse culture shock’ – what the psychologist Kevin Gaw describes as a ‘process of readjusting, reacculturating, and reassimilating into one’s own home culture after living in a different culture for a significant period of time’ – and feelings of loneliness are characteristic for individuals in the throes of this process.

But there are many other familiar life experiences that provoke feelings of loneliness, even if the individuals undergoing those experiences have loving friends and family: the student who comes home to his family and friends after a transformative first year at college; the adolescent who returns home to her loving but repressed parents after a sexual awakening at summer camp; the first-generation woman of colour in graduate school who feels cared for but also perpetually ‘ in-between ’ worlds, misunderstood and not fully seen either by her department members or her family and friends back home; the travel nurse who returns home to her partner and friends after an especially meaningful (or perhaps especially psychologically taxing) work assignment; the man who goes through a difficult breakup with a long-term, live-in partner; the woman who is the first in her group of friends to become a parent; the list goes on.

Nor does it take a transformative life event to provoke feelings of loneliness. As time passes, it often happens that friends and family who used to understand us quite well eventually fail to understand us as they once did, failing to really see us as they used to before. This, too, will tend to lead to feelings of loneliness – though the loneliness may creep in more gradually, more surreptitiously. Loneliness, it seems, is an existential hazard, something to which human beings are always vulnerable – and not just when they are alone.

In his recent book Life Is Hard (2022), the philosopher Kieran Setiya characterises loneliness as the ‘pain of social disconnection’. There, he argues for the importance of attending to the nature of loneliness – both why it hurts and what ‘that pain tell[s] us about how to live’ – especially given the contemporary prevalence of loneliness. He rightly notes that loneliness is not just a matter of being isolated from others entirely, since one can be lonely even in a room full of people. Additionally, he notes that, since the negative psychological and physiological effects of loneliness ‘seem to depend on the subjective experience of being lonely’, effectively combatting loneliness requires us to identify the origin of this subjective experience.

S etiya’s proposal is that we are ‘social animals with social needs’ that crucially include needs to be loved and to have our basic worth recognised. When we fail to have these basic needs met, as we do when we are apart from our friends, we suffer loneliness. Without the presence of friends to assure us that we matter, we experience the painful ‘sensation of hollowness, of a hole in oneself that used to be filled and now is not’. This is loneliness in its most elemental form. (Setiya uses the term ‘friends’ broadly, to include close family and romantic partners, and I follow his usage here.)

Imagine a woman who lands a job requiring a long-distance move to an area where she knows no one. Even if there are plenty of new neighbours and colleagues to greet her upon her arrival, Setiya’s claim is that she will tend to experience feelings of loneliness, since she does not yet have close, loving relationships with these people. In other words, she will tend to experience feelings of loneliness because she does not yet have friends whose love of her reflects back to her the basic value as a person that she has, friends who let her see that she matters. Only when she makes genuine friendships will she feel her unconditional value is acknowledged; only then will her basic social needs to be loved and recognised be met. Once she feels she truly matters to someone, in Setiya’s view, her loneliness will abate.

Setiya is not alone in connecting feelings of loneliness to a lack of basic recognition. In The Origins of Totalitarianism (1951), for example, Hannah Arendt also defines loneliness as a feeling that results when one’s human dignity or unconditional worth as a person fails to be recognised and affirmed, a feeling that results when this, one of the ‘basic requirements of the human condition’, fails to be met.

These accounts get a good deal about loneliness right. But they miss something as well. On these views, loving friendships allow us to avoid loneliness because the loving friend provides a form of recognition we require as social beings. Without loving friendships, or when we are apart from our friends, we are unable to secure this recognition. So we become lonely. But notice that the feature affirmed by the friend here – my unconditional value – is radically depersonalised. The property the friend recognises and affirms in me is the same property she recognises and affirms in her other friendships. Otherwise put, the recognition that allegedly mitigates loneliness in Setiya’s view is the friend’s recognition of an impersonal, abstract feature of oneself, a quality one shares with every other human being: her unconditional worth as a human being. (The recognition given by the loving friend is that I ‘[matter] … just like everyone else.’)

Just as one can feel lonely in a room full of strangers, one can feel lonely in a room full of friends

Since my dignity or worth is disconnected from any particular feature of myself as an individual, however, my friend can recognise and affirm that worth without acknowledging or engaging my particular needs, specific values and so on. If Setiya is calling it right, then that friend can assuage my loneliness without engaging my individuality.

Or can they? Accounts that tie loneliness to a failure of basic recognition (and the alleviation of loneliness to love and acknowledgement of one’s dignity) may be right about the origin of certain forms of loneliness. But it seems to me that this is far from the whole picture, and that accounts like these fail to explain a wide variety of familiar circumstances in which loneliness arises.

When I came home from my study-abroad semester, I returned to a network of robust, loving friendships. I was surrounded daily by a steadfast group of people who persistently acknowledged and affirmed my unconditional value as a person, putting up with my obnoxious pretension (so it must have seemed) and accepting me even though I was alien in crucial ways to the friend they knew before. Yet I still suffered loneliness. In fact, while I had more close friendships than ever before – and was as close with friends and family members as I had ever been – I was lonelier than ever. And this is also true of the familiar scenarios from above: the first-year college student, the new parent, the travel nurse, and so on. All these scenarios are ripe for painful feelings of loneliness even though the individuals undergoing such experiences have a loving network of friends, family and colleagues who support them and recognise their unconditional value.

So, there must be more to loneliness than Setiya’s account (and others like it) let on. Of course, if an individual’s worth goes unrecognised, she will feel awfully lonely. But just as one can feel lonely in a room full of strangers, one can feel lonely in a room full of friends. What plagues accounts that tie loneliness to an absence of basic recognition is that they fail to do justice to loneliness as a feeling that pops up not only when one lacks sufficiently loving, affirmative relationships, but also when one perceives that the relationships she has (including and perhaps especially loving relationships) lack sufficient quality (for example, lacking depth or a desired feeling of connection). And an individual will perceive such relationships as lacking sufficient quality when her friends and family are not meeting the specific needs she has, or recognising and affirming her as the particular individual that she is.

We see this especially in the midst or aftermath of transitional and transformational life events, when greater-than-usual shifts occur. As the result of going through such experiences, we often develop new values, core needs and centrally motivating desires, losing other values, needs and desires in the process. In other words, after undergoing a particularly transformative experience, we become different people in key respects than we were before. If after such a personal transformation, our friends are unable to meet our newly developed core needs or recognise and affirm our new values and central desires – perhaps in large part because they cannot , because they do not (yet) recognise or understand who we have become – we will suffer loneliness.

This is what happened to me after Italy. By the time I got back, I had developed new core needs – as one example, the need for a certain level and kind of intellectual engagement – which were unmet when I returned home. What’s more, I did not think it particularly fair to expect my friends to meet these needs. After all, they did not possess the conceptual frameworks for discussing Russian absurdism or 13th-century Italian love sonnets; these just weren’t things they had spent time thinking about. And I didn’t blame them; expecting them to develop or care about developing such a conceptual framework seemed to me ridiculous. Even so, without a shared framework, I felt unable to meet my need for intellectual engagement and communicate to my friends the fullness of my inner life, which was overtaken by quite specific aesthetic values, values that shaped how I saw the world. As a result, I felt lonely.

I n addition to developing new needs, I understood myself as having changed in other fundamental respects. While I knew my friends loved me and affirmed my unconditional value, I did not feel upon my return home that they were able to see and affirm my individuality. I was radically changed; in fact, I felt in certain respects totally unrecognisable even to those who knew me best. After Italy, I inhabited a different, more nuanced perspective on the world; beauty, creativity and intellectual growth had become core values of mine; I had become a serious lover of poetry; I understood myself as a burgeoning philosopher. At the time, my closest friends were not able to see and affirm these parts of me, parts of me with which even relative strangers in my college courses were acquainted (though, of course, those acquaintances neither knew me nor were equipped to meet other of my needs which my friends had long met). When I returned home, I no longer felt truly seen by my friends .

One need not spend a semester abroad to experience this. For example, a nurse who initially chose her profession as a means to professional and financial stability might, after an especially meaningful experience with a patient, find herself newly and centrally motivated by a desire to make a difference in her patients’ lives. Along with the landscape of her desires, her core values may have changed: perhaps she develops a new core value of alleviating suffering whenever possible. And she may find certain features of her job – those that do not involve the alleviation of suffering, or involve the limited alleviation of suffering – not as fulfilling as they once were. In other words, she may have developed a new need for a certain form of meaningful difference-making – a need that, if not met, leaves her feeling flat and deeply dissatisfied.

Changes like these – changes to what truly moves you, to what makes you feel deeply fulfilled – are profound ones. To be changed in these respects is to be utterly changed. Even if you have loving friendships, if your friends are unable to recognise and affirm these new features of you, you may fail to feel seen, fail to feel valued as who you really are. At that point, loneliness will ensue. Interestingly – and especially troublesome for Setiya’s account – feelings of loneliness will tend to be especially salient and painful when the people unable to meet these needs are those who already love us and affirm our unconditional value.

Those with a strong need for their uniqueness to be recognised may be more disposed to loneliness

So, even with loving friends, if we perceive ourselves as unable to be seen and affirmed as the particular people we are, or if certain of our core needs go unmet, we will feel lonely. Setiya is surely right that loneliness will result in the absence of love and recognition. But it can also result from the inability – and sometimes, failure – of those with whom we have loving relationships to share or affirm our values, to endorse desires that we understand as central to our lives, and to satisfy our needs.

Another way to put it is that our social needs go far beyond the impersonal recognition of our unconditional worth as human beings. These needs can be as widespread as a need for reciprocal emotional attachment or as restricted as a need for a certain level of intellectual engagement or creative exchange. But even when the need in question is a restricted or uncommon one, if it is a deep need that requires another person to meet yet goes unmet, we will feel lonely. The fact that we suffer loneliness even when these quite specific needs are unmet shows that understanding and treating this feeling requires attending not just to whether my worth is affirmed, but to whether I am recognised and affirmed in my particularity and whether my particular, even idiosyncratic social needs are met by those around me.

What’s more, since different people have different needs, the conditions that produce loneliness will vary. Those with a strong need for their uniqueness to be recognised may be more disposed to loneliness. Others with weaker needs for recognition or reciprocal emotional attachment may experience a good deal of social isolation without feeling lonely at all. Some people might alleviate loneliness by cultivating a wide circle of not-especially-close friends, each of whom meets a different need or appreciates a different side of them. Yet others might persist in their loneliness without deep and intimate friendships in which they feel more fully seen and appreciated in their complexity, in the fullness of their being.

Yet, as ever-changing beings with friends and loved ones who are also ever-changing, we are always susceptible to loneliness and the pain of situations in which our needs are unmet. Most of us can recall a friend who once met certain of our core social needs, but who eventually – gradually, perhaps even imperceptibly – ultimately failed to do so. If such needs are not met by others in one’s life, this situation will lead one to feel profoundly, heartbreakingly lonely.

In cases like these, new relationships can offer true succour and light. For example, a lonely new parent might have childless friends who are clueless to the needs and values she develops through the hugely complicated transition to parenthood; as a result, she might cultivate relationships with other new parents or caretakers, people who share her newly developed values and better understand the joys, pains and ambivalences of having a child. To the extent that these new relationships enable her needs to be met and allow her to feel genuinely seen, they will help to alleviate her loneliness. Through seeking relationships with others who might share one’s interests or be better situated to meet one’s specific needs, then, one can attempt to face one’s loneliness head on.

But you don’t need to shed old relationships to cultivate the new. When old friends to whom we remain committed fail to meet our new needs, it’s helpful to ask how to salvage the situation, saving the relationship. In some instances, we might choose to adopt a passive strategy, acknowledging the ebb and flow of relationships and the natural lag time between the development of needs and others’ abilities to meet them. You could ‘wait it out’. But given that it is much more difficult to have your needs met if you don’t articulate them, an active strategy seems more promising. To position your friend to better meet your needs, you might attempt to communicate those needs and articulate ways in which you don’t feel seen.

Of course, such a strategy will be successful only if the unmet needs provoking one’s loneliness are needs one can identify and articulate. But we will so often – perhaps always – have needs, desires and values of which we are unaware or that we cannot articulate, even to ourselves. We are, to some extent, always opaque to ourselves. Given this opacity, some degree of loneliness may be an inevitable part of the human condition. What’s more, if we can’t even grasp or articulate the needs provoking our loneliness, then adopting a more passive strategy may be the only option one has. In cases like this, the only way to recognise your unmet needs or desires is to notice that your loneliness has started to lift once those needs and desires begin to be met by another.

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Loneliness: Causes and Health Consequences

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Margaret Seide, MS, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of depression, addiction, and eating disorders. 

Loneliness vs. Solitude

• Health Risks

While common definitions of loneliness describe it as a state of solitude or being alone, loneliness is actually a state of mind. Loneliness causes people to feel empty, alone, and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with others.

Growing concerns around the dangers of loneliness have prompted a call to action by US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who recently issued an 82-page advisory on the issue. The advisory cites data from several studies, including research that found that nearly half of adults in the US experience feelings of loneliness daily.

Murthy's report also cites a meta-analysis that found that the risk of premature death due to loneliness increased by 26% and 29% due to social isolation. Furthermore, the lack of social connection can increase the risk of anxiety, depression, stroke, heart disease, and dementia.

Johner Images / Getty Images

Defining Loneliness

Loneliness is a universal human emotion that is both complex and unique to each individual. Because it has no single common cause, preventing and treating this potentially damaging state of mind can vary dramatically.

For example, a lonely child who struggles to make friends at school has different needs than a lonely older adult whose spouse has recently died.

Researchers suggest that loneliness is associated with social isolation, poor social skills, introversion, and depression.

Loneliness, according to many experts, is not necessarily about being alone. Instead, if you feel alone and isolated, then that is how loneliness plays into your state of mind.

For example, a college freshman might feel lonely despite being surrounded by roommates and other peers. A soldier beginning their military career might feel lonely after being deployed to a foreign country, despite being constantly surrounded by other troop members.

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Are You Feeling Lonely? Take the Test

This fast and free loneliness test can help you analyze your current emotions and determine whether or not you may be feeling lonely at the moment:

While research clearly shows that loneliness and isolation are bad for both mental and physical health, being alone is not the same as being lonely. In fact, solitude actually has a number of important mental health benefits, including allowing people to better focus and recharge.

• Loneliness is marked by feelings of isolation despite wanting social connections. It is often perceived as an involuntary separation, rejection, or abandonment by other people.
• Solitude , on the other hand, is voluntary. People who enjoy spending time by themselves continue to maintain positive social relationships that they can return to when they crave connection. They still spend time with others, but these interactions are balanced with periods of time alone.

Loneliness is a state of mind linked to wanting human contact but feeling alone. People can be alone and not feel lonely, or they can have contact with people and still experience feelings of isolation.

Causes of Loneliness

Contributing factors to loneliness include situational variables, such as physical isolation, moving to a new location, and divorce. The death of someone significant in a person's life can also lead to feelings of loneliness.

Additionally, it can be a symptom of a psychological disorder such as depression. Depression often causes people to withdrawal socially, which can lead to isolation. Research also suggests that loneliness can be a factor that contributes to symptoms of depression.

Loneliness can also be attributed to internal factors such as low self-esteem . People who lack confidence in themselves often believe that they are unworthy of the attention or regard of other people, which can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness .

Personality factors may also play a role. Introverts , for example, might be less likely to cultivate and seek social connections, which can contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Health Risks Associated With Loneliness

Loneliness has a wide range of negative effects on both physical and mental health , including:

• Alcohol and drug misuse
• Altered brain function
• Alzheimer's disease progression
• Antisocial behavior
• Cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Decreased memory and learning
• Depression and suicide
• Increased stress levels
• Poor decision-making

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911. 

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database .

These are not the only areas in which loneliness takes its toll. For example, lonely adults get less exercise than those who are not lonely. Their diet is higher in fat, their sleep is less efficient, and they report more daytime fatigue. Loneliness also disrupts the regulation of cellular processes deep within the body, predisposing lonely people to premature aging.

What Research Suggests About Loneliness

People who feel less lonely are more likely to be married, have higher incomes, and have higher educational status. High levels of loneliness are associated with physical health symptoms, living alone, small social networks, and low-quality social relationships.

Close Friends Help Combat Loneliness

Statistics suggest that loneliness is becoming increasingly prevalent, particularly in younger generations. According to one 2019 survey, 25% of adults between the ages of 18 and 27 reported having no close friends, while 22% reported having no friends at all.

The rise of the internet and ironically, social media, are partially to blame.

Experts believe that it is not the quantity of social interaction that combats loneliness, but the quality .

Having a few close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences associated with this state of mind. Research suggests that the experience of actual face-to-face contact with friends helps boost people's sense of well-being.

Loneliness Can Be Contagious

One study suggests that loneliness may actually be contagious. Research has found that non-lonely people who spend time with lonely people are more likely to develop feelings of loneliness.

Tips to Prevent and Overcome Loneliness

Loneliness can be overcome. It does require a conscious effort to make a change. In the long run, making a change can make you happier, healthier, and enable you to impact others around you in a positive way.

Here are some ways to prevent loneliness:

• Consider community service or another activity that you enjoy . These situations present great opportunities to meet people and cultivate new friendships and social interactions.
• Expect the best . Lonely people often expect rejection, so instead, try focusing on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.
• Focus on developing quality relationships . Seek people who share similar attitudes, interests, and values with you.
• Recognize that loneliness is a sign that something needs to change. Don't expect things to change overnight, but you can start taking steps that will help relieve your feelings of loneliness and build connections that support your well-being.
• Understand the effects of loneliness on your life . There are physical and mental repercussions to loneliness. If you recognize some of these symptoms affecting how you feel, make a conscious effort to combat them.
• Join a group or start your own . For example, you might try creating a Meetup group where people from your area with similar interests can get together. You might also consider taking a class at a community college, joining a book club, or taking an exercise class.
• Strengthen a current relationship . Building new connections is important, but improving your existing relationships can also be a great way to combat loneliness. Try calling a friend or family member you have spoken to in a while.
• Talk to someone you can trust . Reaching out to someone in your life to talk about what you are feeling is important. This can be someone you know such as a family member, but you might also consider talking to your doctor or a therapist. Online therapy can be a great option because it allows you to contact a therapist whenever it is convenient for you.

Loneliness can leave people feeling isolated and disconnected from others. It is a complex state of mind that can be caused by life changes, mental health conditions, poor self-esteem, and personality traits. Loneliness can also have serious health consequences including decreased mental wellness and physical problems.

Loneliness can have a serious effect on your health, so it is important to be able to recognize signs that you are feeling lonely. It is also important to remember that being alone isn't the same as being lonely. 

If loneliness is affecting your well-being, there are things that you can do that can help you form new connections and find the social support that you need. Work on forming new connections and spend some time talking to people in your life. If you're still struggling, consider therapy. Whatever you choose to do, just remember that there are people who can help.

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By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

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The History of Loneliness

By Jill Lepore

The female chimpanzee at the Philadelphia Zoological Garden died of complications from a cold early in the morning of December 27, 1878. “Miss Chimpanzee,” according to news reports, died “while receiving the attentions of her companion.” Both she and that companion, a four-year-old male, had been born near the Gabon River, in West Africa; they had arrived in Philadelphia in April, together. “These Apes can be captured only when young,” the zoo superintendent, Arthur E. Brown, explained, and they are generally taken only one or two at a time. In the wild, “they live together in small bands of half a dozen and build platforms among the branches, out of boughs and leaves, on which they sleep.” But in Philadelphia, in the monkey house, where it was just the two of them, they had become “accustomed to sleep at night in each other’s arms on a blanket on the floor,” clutching each other, desperately, achingly, through the long, cold night.

The Philadelphia Zoological Garden was the first zoo in the United States. It opened in 1874, two years after Charles Darwin published “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals,” in which he related what he had learned about the social attachments of primates from Abraham Bartlett, the superintendent of the Zoological Society of London:

Many kinds of monkeys, as I am assured by the keepers in the Zoological Gardens, delight in fondling and being fondled by each other, and by persons to whom they are attached. Mr. Bartlett has described to me the behavior of two chimpanzees, rather older animals than those generally imported into this country, when they were first brought together. They sat opposite, touching each other with their much protruded lips; and the one put his hand on the shoulder of the other. They then mutually folded each other in their arms. Afterwards they stood up, each with one arm on the shoulder of the other, lifted up their heads, opened their mouths, and yelled with delight.

Mr. and Miss Chimpanzee, in Philadelphia, were two of only four chimpanzees in America, and when she died human observers mourned her loss, but, above all, they remarked on the behavior of her companion. For a long time, they reported, he tried in vain to rouse her. Then he “went into a frenzy of grief.” This paroxysm accorded entirely with what Darwin had described in humans: “Persons suffering from excessive grief often seek relief by violent and almost frantic movements.” The bereaved chimpanzee began to pull out the hair from his head. He wailed, making a sound the zookeeper had never heard before: Hah-ah-ah-ah-ah . “His cries were heard over the entire garden. He dashed himself against the bars of the cage and butted his head upon the hard-wood bottom, and when this burst of grief was ended he poked his head under the straw in one corner and moaned as if his heart would break.”

Nothing quite like this had ever been recorded. Superintendent Brown prepared a scholarly article, “Grief in the Chimpanzee.” Even long after the death of the female, Brown reported, the male “invariably slept on a cross-beam at the top of the cage, returning to inherited habit, and showing, probably, that the apprehension of unseen dangers has been heightened by his sense of loneliness.”

Loneliness is grief, distended. People are primates, and even more sociable than chimpanzees. We hunger for intimacy. We wither without it. And yet, long before the present pandemic, with its forced isolation and social distancing, humans had begun building their own monkey houses. Before modern times, very few human beings lived alone. Slowly, beginning not much more than a century ago, that changed. In the United States, more than one in four people now lives alone; in some parts of the country, especially big cities, that percentage is much higher. You can live alone without being lonely, and you can be lonely without living alone, but the two are closely tied together, which makes lockdowns, sheltering in place, that much harder to bear. Loneliness, it seems unnecessary to say, is terrible for your health. In 2017 and 2018, the former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy declared an “epidemic of loneliness,” and the U.K. appointed a Minister of Loneliness. To diagnose this condition, doctors at U.C.L.A. devised a Loneliness Scale. Do you often, sometimes, rarely, or never feel these ways?

I am unhappy doing so many things alone. I have nobody to talk to. I cannot tolerate being so alone. I feel as if nobody really understands me. I am no longer close to anyone. There is no one I can turn to. I feel isolated from others.

In the age of quarantine, does one disease produce another?

“Loneliness” is a vogue term, and like all vogue terms it’s a cover for all sorts of things most people would rather not name and have no idea how to fix. Plenty of people like to be alone. I myself love to be alone. But solitude and seclusion, which are the things I love, are different from loneliness, which is a thing I hate. Loneliness is a state of profound distress. Neuroscientists identify loneliness as a state of hypervigilance whose origins lie among our primate ancestors and in our own hunter-gatherer past. Much of the research in this field was led by John Cacioppo, at the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, at the University of Chicago. Cacioppo, who died in 2018, was known as Dr. Loneliness. In the new book “ Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World ” (Harper Wave), Murthy explains how Cacioppo’s evolutionary theory of loneliness has been tested by anthropologists at the University of Oxford, who have traced its origins back fifty-two million years, to the very first primates. Primates need to belong to an intimate social group, a family or a band, in order to survive; this is especially true for humans (humans you don’t know might very well kill you, which is a problem not shared by most other primates). Separated from the group—either finding yourself alone or finding yourself among a group of people who do not know and understand you—triggers a fight-or-flight response. Cacioppo argued that your body understands being alone, or being with strangers, as an emergency. “Over millennia, this hypervigilance in response to isolation became embedded in our nervous system to produce the anxiety we associate with loneliness,” Murthy writes. We breathe fast, our heart races, our blood pressure rises, we don’t sleep. We act fearful, defensive, and self-involved, all of which drive away people who might actually want to help, and tend to stop lonely people from doing what would benefit them most: reaching out to others.

The loneliness epidemic, in this sense, is rather like the obesity epidemic. Evolutionarily speaking, panicking while being alone, like finding high-calorie foods irresistible, is highly adaptive, but, more recently, in a world where laws (mostly) prevent us from killing one another, we need to work with strangers every day, and the problem is more likely to be too much high-calorie food rather than too little. These drives backfire.

Loneliness, Murthy argues, lies behind a host of problems—anxiety, violence, trauma, crime, suicide, depression, political apathy, and even political polarization. Murthy writes with compassion, but his everything-can-be-reduced-to-loneliness argument is hard to swallow, not least because much of what he has to say about loneliness was said about homelessness in the nineteen-eighties, when “homelessness” was the vogue term—a word somehow easier to say than “poverty”—and saying it didn’t help. (Since then, the number of homeless Americans has increased.) Curiously, Murthy often conflates the two, explaining loneliness as feeling homeless. To belong is to feel at home. “To be at home is to be known,” he writes. Home can be anywhere. Human societies are so intricate that people have meaningful, intimate ties of all kinds, with all sorts of groups of other people, even across distances. You can feel at home with friends, or at work, or in a college dining hall, or at church, or in Yankee Stadium, or at your neighborhood bar. Loneliness is the feeling that no place is home. “In community after community,” Murthy writes, “I met lonely people who felt homeless even though they had a roof over their heads.” Maybe what people experiencing loneliness and people experiencing homelessness both need are homes with other humans who love them and need them, and to know they are needed by them in societies that care about them. That’s not a policy agenda. That’s an indictment of modern life.

In “ A Biography of Loneliness: The History of an Emotion ” (Oxford), the British historian Fay Bound Alberti defines loneliness as “a conscious, cognitive feeling of estrangement or social separation from meaningful others,” and she objects to the idea that it’s universal, transhistorical, and the source of all that ails us. She argues that the condition really didn’t exist before the nineteenth century, at least not in a chronic form. It’s not that people—widows and widowers, in particular, and the very poor, the sick, and the outcast—weren’t lonely; it’s that, since it wasn’t possible to survive without living among other people, and without being bonded to other people, by ties of affection and loyalty and obligation, loneliness was a passing experience. Monarchs probably were lonely, chronically. (Hey, it’s lonely at the top!) But, for most ordinary people, daily living involved such intricate webs of dependence and exchange—and shared shelter—that to be chronically or desperately lonely was to be dying. The word “loneliness” very seldom appears in English before about 1800. Robinson Crusoe was alone, but never lonely. One exception is “Hamlet”: Ophelia suffers from “loneliness”; then she drowns herself.

Modern loneliness, in Alberti’s view, is the child of capitalism and secularism. “Many of the divisions and hierarchies that have developed since the eighteenth century—between self and world, individual and community, public and private—have been naturalized through the politics and philosophy of individualism,” she writes. “Is it any coincidence that a language of loneliness emerged at the same time?” It is not a coincidence. The rise of privacy, itself a product of market capitalism—privacy being something that you buy—is a driver of loneliness. So is individualism, which you also have to pay for.

Alberti’s book is a cultural history (she offers an anodyne reading of “Wuthering Heights,” for instance, and another of the letters of Sylvia Plath ). But the social history is more interesting, and there the scholarship demonstrates that whatever epidemic of loneliness can be said to exist is very closely associated with living alone. Whether living alone makes people lonely or whether people live alone because they’re lonely might seem to be harder to say, but the preponderance of the evidence supports the former: it is the force of history, not the exertion of choice, that leads people to live alone. This is a problem for people trying to fight an epidemic of loneliness, because the force of history is relentless.

Before the twentieth century, according to the best longitudinal demographic studies, about five per cent of all households (or about one per cent of the world population) consisted of just one person. That figure began rising around 1910, driven by urbanization, the decline of live-in servants, a declining birth rate, and the replacement of the traditional, multigenerational family with the nuclear family. By the time David Riesman published “ The Lonely Crowd ,” in 1950, nine per cent of all households consisted of a single person. In 1959, psychiatry discovered loneliness, in a subtle essay by the German analyst Frieda Fromm-Reichmann. “Loneliness seems to be such a painful, frightening experience that people will do practically everything to avoid it,” she wrote. She, too, shrank in horror from its contemplation. “The longing for interpersonal intimacy stays with every human being from infancy through life,” she wrote, “and there is no human being who is not threatened by its loss.” People who are not lonely are so terrified of loneliness that they shun the lonely, afraid that the condition might be contagious. And people who are lonely are themselves so horrified by what they are experiencing that they become secretive and self-obsessed—“it produces the sad conviction that nobody else has experienced or ever will sense what they are experiencing or have experienced,” Fromm-Reichmann wrote. One tragedy of loneliness is that lonely people can’t see that lots of people feel the same way they do.

“During the past half century, our species has embarked on a remarkable social experiment,” the sociologist Eric Klinenberg wrote in “ Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone ,” from 2012. “For the first time in human history, great numbers of people—at all ages, in all places, of every political persuasion—have begun settling down as singletons.” Klinenberg considers this to be, in large part, a triumph; more plausibly, it is a disaster. Beginning in the nineteen-sixties, the percentage of single-person households grew at a much steeper rate, driven by a high divorce rate, a still-falling birth rate, and longer lifespans over all. (After the rise of the nuclear family, the old began to reside alone, with women typically outliving their husbands.) A medical literature on loneliness began to emerge in the nineteen-eighties, at the same time that policymakers became concerned with, and named, “homelessness,” which is a far more dire condition than being a single-person household: to be homeless is to be a household that does not hold a house. Cacioppo began his research in the nineteen-nineties, even as humans were building a network of computers, to connect us all. Klinenberg, who graduated from college in 1993, is particularly interested in people who chose to live alone right about then.

I suppose I was one of them. I tried living alone when I was twenty-five, because it seemed important to me, the way owning a piece of furniture that I did not find on the street seemed important to me, as a sign that I had come of age, could pay rent without subletting a sublet. I could afford to buy privacy, I might say now, but then I’m sure I would have said that I had become “my own person.” I lasted only two months. I didn’t like watching television alone, and also I didn’t have a television, and this, if not the golden age of television, was the golden age of “The Simpsons,” so I started watching television with the person who lived in the apartment next door. I moved in with him, and then I married him.

This experience might not fit so well into the story Klinenberg tells; he argues that networked technologies of communication, beginning with the telephone’s widespread adoption, in the nineteen-fifties, helped make living alone possible. Radio, television, Internet, social media: we can feel at home online. Or not. Robert Putnam’s influential book about the decline of American community ties, “Bowling Alone,” came out in 2000, four years before the launch of Facebook, which monetized loneliness. Some people say that the success of social media was a product of an epidemic of loneliness; some people say it was a contributor to it; some people say it’s the only remedy for it. Connect! Disconnect! The Economist declared loneliness to be “the leprosy of the 21st century.” The epidemic only grew.

This is not a peculiarly American phenomenon. Living alone, while common in the United States, is more common in many other parts of the world, including Scandinavia, Japan, Germany, France, the U.K., Australia, and Canada, and it’s on the rise in China, India, and Brazil. Living alone works best in nations with strong social supports. It works worst in places like the United States. It is best to have not only an Internet but a social safety net.

Then the great, global confinement began: enforced isolation, social distancing, shutdowns, lockdowns, a human but inhuman zoological garden. Zoom is better than nothing. But for how long? And what about the moment your connection crashes: the panic, the last tie severed? It is a terrible, frightful experiment, a test of the human capacity to bear loneliness. Do you pull out your hair? Do you dash yourself against the walls of your cage? Do you, locked inside, thrash and cry and moan? Sometimes, rarely, or never? More today than yesterday? ♦

A Guide to the Coronavirus

• How to practice social distancing , from responding to a sick housemate to the pros and cons of ordering food.
• How people cope and create new customs amid a pandemic.
• What it means to contain and mitigate the coronavirus outbreak.
• How much of the world is likely to be quarantined ?
• Donald Trump in the time of coronavirus .
• The coronavirus is likely to spread for more than a year before a vaccine could be widely available.
• We are all irrational panic shoppers .
• The strange terror of watching the coronavirus take Rome .
• How pandemics change history .

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The Evidence on Loneliness and What To Do About It

As governments tell huge numbers of Americans to stay home to stop the spread of coronavirus, it’s natural for some people to experience feelings of loneliness – especially those who live alone and may go for days without seeing another human in person.

This level of social isolation is certainly unprecedented in our modern society. But there is a significant body of evidence on isolation and loneliness that can help us understand the broader effects of social distancing, and some steps we can take to mitigate them.

First, there is ample evidence that shows sustained loneliness is not simply equated with sadness or depression, but leads to larger health implications. Among older adults, loneliness increases the risk of developing  dementia ,  slows down their walking speeds , interferes with their ability to care for themselves and increases their risk of  heart disease and stroke . Loneliness is even associated with  dying earlier .

Even before the coronavirus pandemic, about a third of people living in industrialized nations experienced loneliness. Data show the condition is not influenced by income, education levels, gender or ethnicity.

So, what can we do about loneliness?  There is a large body of evidence that describes a broad range of interventions to help.  One systematic review  demonstrates that physical activity can help to reduce levels of loneliness somewhat. (Although there is some question as to whether people who are lonely simply do not exercise.) The authors also question whether it’s physical activity with other people that actually reduces loneliness. In this climate of social distancing, this could mean that going on a walk outside with a friend – of course, while maintaining the prescribed six-foot distance apart – may be an effective way to reduce loneliness.

Another meta-analysis  from the University of Chicago looked at a wide range of interventions to address loneliness. Surprisingly, interventions that involved interaction with others, receiving social support or improving social skills were not the most effective. Instead, what helped the most was therapy for a condition called maladaptive social cognition — essentially negative thoughts about self-worth and how other people perceive you. The article found this is especially true for feelings of loneliness that occur regularly over time.

Given our current crisis situation, clearly everyone who feels lonely is not suffering from maladaptive social cognition. But focusing on positive thoughts about yourself in a consistent manner may help you to feel a little less lonely.

A third meta-analysis conducted by researchers from Italy and Poland focused on loneliness interventions for older adults. It found that interventions involving technology were among the most effective ways to reduce loneliness, and that community-based art programs – such as classes and performances – were also effective at reducing loneliness.

During social distancing, connecting with friends and loved ones via technology is a viable option. Platforms such as Zoom, Facetime and Google Meet are all offering free video-conferencing services. A virtual happy hour can be a surprisingly fun way to spend an hour.

Community art programs may be trickier to pull off during the pandemic. But a Google search of online drawing classes or Broadway musicals reveals a wide variety options to pass the time. Many of these online services are currently offering these programs free of charge. If they don’t help alleviate loneliness, they may at least help pass the time.

The take-home message: Loneliness is a real problem that affects overall well-being and health. While many Americans are being asked to stay home, there are some evidence-based steps you can take to reduce feelings of loneliness.

Visit Cornell University’s  Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research’s website  for more information on our work solving human problems.

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Loneliness and Social Connections

Family and friends are important for our well-being. In this article, we explore data on loneliness and social connections and review available evidence on the link between social connections and well-being.

By Esteban Ortiz-Ospina

This article was first published in February 2020 and last updated in March 2024.

Research shows that social connections are important for our well-being. Having support from family and friends is important for our happiness and health and is also instrumental to our ability to share information, learn from others, and seize economic opportunities.

In this article, we explore data on loneliness and social connections across countries and over time and review the available evidence on how and why social connections and loneliness affect our health and emotional welfare, as well as our material well-being.

Despite the fact that there is a clear link between social connections and well-being, more research is needed to understand causal mechanisms, effect sizes, and changes over time.

As we show here, oversimplified narratives that compare loneliness with smoking or that claim we are living in a 'loneliness epidemic' are wrong and unhelpful.

See all interactive charts on loneliness and social connections ↓

Related topics

Happiness and Life Satisfaction

Self-reported life satisfaction differs widely between people and between countries. What explains these differences?

Trust is an essential part of social connections. Trust is crucial for community well-being and effective cooperation.

For many, the internet is now essential for work, finding information, and connecting with others.

Other research and writing on polio on Our World in Data:

• Are Facebook and other social media platforms bad for our well-being?
• Are people more likely to be lonely in so-called 'individualistic' societies?
• Is there a loneliness epidemic?
• The importance of social networks for innovation and productivity
• The importance of personal relations for economic outcomes
• Who do we spend time with across our lifetime?

Social connections

How important are social connections for our health.

Dr. Vivek Murthy, former Surgeon General of the United States, recently wrote : “Loneliness and weak social connections are associated with a reduction in lifespan similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day”.

This ‘15 cigarettes a day’ figure has been reproduced and reported in the news many times, under headlines such as “Loneliness is as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes per day”. 1

It is indeed quite a shocking comparison since millions of deaths globally are attributed to smoking every year, and back-of-the-envelope calculations published in medical journals say one cigarette reduces your lifespan by 11 minutes .

Here, we dig deeper to try to understand what the data and research tell us about the link between social relations and health. In a nutshell, the evidence is as follows:

• There is a huge amount of evidence showing individuals who report feelings of loneliness are more likely to have health problems later in their life.
• There is a credible theory and explanation of biological mechanisms whereby isolation can set off unconscious surveillance for social threats, producing cognitive biases, reducing sleep, and affecting hormones.
• It's very likely there is a causal link. Still, there is no credible experimental evidence that would allow us to have a precise estimate of the magnitude of the causal effect that loneliness has on key metrics of health, such as life expectancy.
• The fact that we struggle to pin down the magnitude of the effect of loneliness on health doesn't mean we should dismiss the available evidence. However, it does show that more research is needed.

Observational studies: A first look at the data

Measuring loneliness.

Psychologists and social neuroscientists often refer to loneliness as painful isolation . The emphasis on pain is there to make a clear distinction between solitude – the state of being alone – and subjective loneliness, which is the distressing feeling that comes from unmet expectations of the types of interpersonal relationships we wish to have.

Researchers use several kinds of data to measure solitude and loneliness. The most common source of data are surveys where people are asked about different aspects of their lives, including whether they live alone, how much time they spend with other people in a given window of time (e.g., ‘last week’), or specific context (e.g., ‘at social events, clubs or places of worship’); and whether they experience feelings of loneliness (e.g., ‘I have no-one with whom I can discuss important matters with’). Researchers sometimes study these survey responses separately, but often, they also aggregate them in a composite index. 2

Surveys confirm that people respond differently to questions about subjective loneliness and physical social isolation, which suggests people do understand these as two distinct issues.

In the chart here I've put together estimates on self-reported feelings of loneliness from various sources. The fact that we see such high levels of loneliness, with substantial divergence across countries, explains why this is an important and active research area. Indeed, there are literally hundreds of papers that have used survey data to explore the link between loneliness, solitude, and health. Below is an overview of what these studies find.

The link between loneliness and physical health

Most papers studying the link between loneliness and health find that both objective solitude (e.g., living alone) and subjective loneliness (e.g., frequent self-reported feelings of loneliness) are correlated with higher morbidity (i.e. illness) and higher mortality (i.e. likelihood of death).

The relationship between health and loneliness can, of course, go both ways: lonely people may see their health deteriorate with time, but it may also be the case that people who suffer from poor health end up feeling more lonely later down the line.

Because of this two-way relationship, it’s important to go beyond cross-sectional correlations and focus on longitudinal studies – these are studies where researchers track the same individuals over time to see if loneliness predicts illness or mortality in the future after controlling for baseline behaviors and health status.

The evidence from longitudinal studies shows that people who experience loneliness during a period of their lives tend to be more likely to have worse health later down the line. In the Netherlands, for example, researchers found that self-reported loneliness among adults aged 55-85 predicted mortality several months later, and this was true after controlling for age, sex, chronic diseases, alcohol use, smoking, self-assessed health condition, and functional limitations. 3

Most studies focus either on subjective loneliness or on objective isolation. However, some studies try to compare both. In a recent meta-analysis covering 70 longitudinal studies, the authors write : “We found no differences between measures of objective and subjective social isolation. Results remain consistent across gender, length of follow-up, and world region.” In the concluding section, they highlight that, in their interpretation of the evidence, “the risk associated with social isolation and loneliness is comparable with well-established risk factors for mortality” ; which include smoking and obesity. 4

The link between mental health and subjective well-being

In another much-cited review of the evidence, Louise Hawkley and John Cacioppo, two leading experts on this topic, concluded that “perhaps the most striking finding in this literature is the breadth of emotional and cognitive processes and outcomes that seem susceptible to the influence of loneliness”. 5

Researchers have found that loneliness correlates with subsequent increases in symptoms related to dementia , depression , and many other issues related to mental health , and this holds after controlling for demographic variables, objective social isolation, stress, and baseline levels of cognitive function.

There is also research that suggests a link between loneliness and lower happiness , and we discuss this in more detail here .

Experiments with social animals, like rats, show that induced isolation can lead to a higher risk of death from cancer. Humans and rats are, of course, very different, but experts such as Hawkley and Cacioppo argue that these experiments are important because they tell us something meaningful about a shared biological mechanism.

In a review of the evidence, Susan Pinker writes: “If our big brains evolved to interact, loneliness would be an early warning system—a built-in alarm that sent a biological signal to members who had somehow become separated from the group”. 6

Indeed, there’s evidence of social regulation of gene expression in humans: studies suggest perceived loneliness can switch on/off genes that regulate our immune systems, and it is this that then affects the health of humans, or other animals that evolved with similar defense mechanisms. 7

Causality and implications

The bulk of evidence from observational studies and biological mechanisms described above implies that loneliness most likely matters for our health and well being. But do we really know how much it matters relative to other important risk factors?

The key point here is that estimates are likely biased to some extent.

The findings from longitudinal studies that track individuals over time are insightful. Still, they cannot rule out that the relationship might be partly driven by other factors we cannot observe. Even the studies linking loneliness and genetics can be subject to omitted-variable bias because a genetic predisposition to loneliness may drive both loneliness and health outcomes. 8

I could not find credible experimental evidence that would allow us to have a precise estimate of the magnitude of the causal effect. 9 But the fact that we struggle to pin down the magnitude of the effect doesn't mean we should dismiss the available evidence. On the contrary – it would be great if we had evidence from randomized control trials that test positive interventions to reduce loneliness to understand better if the ‘15 cigarettes per day’ comparison from the Surgeon General of the US is roughly correct, at least for the average person.

Having a better understanding of the magnitude of the effect is important, not only because loneliness is common but also because it’s complex and unequally experienced by people around the world.

As the chart above shows, there are large differences in self-reported loneliness across countries. We should understand how important these differences are for the distribution of health and well-being.

Are we happier when we spend more time with others?

In 1938, a group of Harvard researchers decided to start a research program to track the lives of a group of young men in what eventually became one of the longest and most famous longitudinal studies of its kind. The idea was to track the development of a group of teenage boys through periodic interviews and medical checkups, with the aim of understanding how their health and well-being evolved as they grew up. 10

Today, more than 80 years later, it is one of the longest running research programs in social science. It is called the Harvard Study of Adult Development , and it is still running. The program started with 724 boys, and researchers continue to monitor today the health and well-being of those initial participants who are still alive, most in their late 90s. 11

This is a unique scientific exercise – most longitudinal studies do not last this long because too many participants drop out, researchers move on to other projects (or even die), or the funding dries up.

So, what have we learned from this unique study?

Robert Waldinger, the current director of the study, summarized – in what is now one of the most viewed TED Talks to date – the findings from decades of research. The main result, he concluded, is that social connections are one of the most important factors for people’s happiness and health . He said: “Those who kept warm relationships got to live longer and happier, and the loners often died earlier.”

Here, we will take a closer look at the evidence and show more research that finds a consistent link between social connections and happiness. But before we get to the details, let me explain why this link is important.

As most people can attest from personal experience, striving for happiness is not easy. In fact, the search for happiness can become a source of unhappiness – there are studies that show actively pursuing happiness can end up decreasing it .

The data shows that income and happiness are clearly related , but we also know from surveys that people often overestimate the impact of income on happiness . Social relations might be the missing link: In rich countries, where minimum material living conditions are often satisfied , people may struggle to become happier because they target material rather than social goals.

The cross-sectional correlation between happiness and friends

The World Values Survey (WVS) is a large cross-country research project that collects data from a series of representative national surveys. In the fourth wave (1999-2004), the WVS asked respondents hundreds of questions about their lives, including whether they were part of social or religious groups, how often they spent time with friends, and whether they felt happy with their lives.

By comparing self-reported happiness among those with and without frequent social interactions, we can get an idea of whether there is indeed a raw correlation between happiness and social relations across different societies.

The next chart shows the comparison: The green points correspond to happiness among those who interact with friends at least once per month, while the blue dots correspond to happiness among those who interact with friends less often. 12

This chart shows that in almost all countries, people who often spend time with their friends report being happier than those who spend less time with friends. 13

The link between social relations and happiness over time

The chart above gives a cross-sectional perspective – it’s just a snapshot that compares different people at a given point in time. What happens if we look at changes in social relations and happiness over time?

There is a large academic literature in medicine and psychology that shows individuals who report feelings of loneliness are more likely to have health problems later in life (you can read more about this in this article on social relations and health ); similarly, there are also many studies that show that changes in social relations predict changes in happiness and life satisfaction.

One of the research papers that draws on data from the famous Harvard Study of Adult Development, for example, looked at the experiences of 82 married participants and their spouses and found that greater self-reported couple attachment predicted lower levels of depression and greater life satisfaction 2.5 years later. 14

Other studies with larger population samples have also found a similar cross-temporal link: perceived social isolation predicts subsequent changes in depressive symptoms but not vice versa, and this holds after controlling for demographic variables and stress. 15

Searching for happiness is typically an intentional and active pursuit. Is it the case that people tend to become happier when they purposely decide to improve their social relations?

This is a tough empirical question to test; but a recent study found evidence pointing in this direction.

Using a large representative survey in Germany, researchers asked participants to report, in text format, ideas for how they could improve their life satisfaction. Based on these answers, the researchers then investigated which types of ideas predicted changes in life satisfaction one year later.

The researchers found that those who reported socially engaged strategies (e.g., “I plan to spend more time with friends and family”) often reported improvements in life satisfaction one year later. In contrast, those who described other non-social active pursuits (e.g., “I plan to find a better job”) did not report increased life satisfaction. 16

From decades of research, we know that social relations predict mental well-being over time; and from a recent study, we also know that people who actively decide to improve their social relations often report becoming happier. So yes, people are happier when they spend more time with friends.

Does this mean that if we have an exogenous shock to our social relations this will have a permanent negative effect on our happiness?

We can’t really answer this with the available evidence. More research is needed to really understand the causal mechanisms that drive the link between happiness and social relations. 17

Despite this, however, I think that we should take the available observational evidence seriously. In a way, the causal impact of a random shock is less interesting than the evidence from active strategies that people might take to improve their happiness. People who get divorced, for example, often report a short-term drop in life satisfaction. Still, over time, they tend to recover and eventually end up being more satisfied with their life than shortly before they divorced (you can read more about this in our entry on happiness and life satisfaction ).

It makes sense to consider the possibility that healthy social relationships are a key missing piece for human well-being. Among other things, this would help explain the paradoxical result from studies where actively pursuing happiness apparently decreases it .

Loneliness, solitude, and social isolation

Living alone is becoming increasingly common around the world.

In the US, the share of adults who live alone nearly doubled over the last 50 years . This is not only happening in the US: single-person households have become increasingly common in many countries across the world, from Angola to Japan .

Historical records show that this ‘rise of living alone’ started in early-industrialized countries over a century ago, accelerating around 1950. In countries such as Norway and Sweden, single-person households were rare a century ago, but today, they account for nearly half of all households. In some cities, they are already the majority.

Surveys and census data from recent decades show that people are more likely to live alone in rich countries, and the prevalence of single-person households is unprecedented historically.

Social connections – including contact with friends and family – are important for our health and emotional well-being. Hence, as single-person households become more common, there will be new challenges to connect and support those living alone, particularly in poorer countries where welfare states are weaker.

But it’s important to keep things in perspective. It’s unhelpful to compare the rise of living alone with a ‘loneliness epidemic’, which is what newspaper articles often write in alarming headlines .

Loneliness and solitude are not the same , and the evidence suggests that self-reported loneliness has not been growing in recent decades.

Historical perspective on people living alone: Evidence from rich countries

Historical records of inhabitants across villages and cities in today’s rich countries give us insights into how uncommon it was for people to live alone in the past.

The chart here, adapted from a paper by the historian Keith Snell, shows estimates of the share of single-person households across different places and times, using a selection of the available historical records and more recent census data. Each dot corresponds to an estimate for one settlement in Europe, North America, Japan, or Britain. 18

The share of one-person households remained fairly steady between the early modern period and through the 19th century – typically below 10%. Then, growth started in the twentieth century, accelerating in the 1960s.

The current prevalence of one-person households is unprecedented historically. The highest point recorded in this chart corresponds to Stockholm in 2012, where 60% of households consist of one person.

The rise of one-person households across the world

For recent decades, census data can be combined with data from large cross-country surveys to provide a global perspective on the proportion of households with only one member (i.e., the proportion of single-person households). This gives us a proxy for the prevalence of solitary living arrangements. 19

We produced this chart combining individual reports from statistical country offices, cross-country surveys such as the Demographic and Health Surveys , and estimates published in the EU’s Eurostat , the UN’s Demographic Year Books , and the Deutschland in Daten dataset.

The chart shows that the trend of rising single-person households extends across all world regions. There are large differences between countries – f rom more than 40% in northern European countries to 1% in low-income Asian countries .

(NB. For the US and Canada there are long-run time series from census data that let us directly track the share of people who live alone. This is shown in this other chart , where you can see the same trend.)

Living arrangements and prosperity

National income per capita and the share of one-person households are strongly correlated: As the chart here shows, people are more likely to live alone in rich countries.

In the next interactive chart, you can move the slider to see changes over time. This reveals that the rise of single-person households tends to be larger in countries where GDP per capita has grown more. (NB. You can also see the correlation over time in this other scatter plot comparing average growth in GDP vs average growth in one-person households).

These correlations are partly due to the fact that people who can afford to, often choose to live alone. Indeed, rising incomes in many countries are likely part of the reason why people are more likely to live alone today than in the past.

But there must be more to it since even at the same level of income, there are clear differences between regions. In particular, Asian countries have systematically fewer one-person households than African countries with comparable GDP levels. Ghana and Pakistan, for example, have similar GDP per capita, but in Pakistan, one-person households are extremely rare, while in Ghana, they are common (about 1 in 4) . This suggests cultural and country-specific factors also play an important role.

Additionally, other non-cultural country-specific factors are likely to play a role. In particular, rich countries often have more extensive social support networks, so people in these countries find it easier to take risks. Living alone is more risky in poorer countries because there’s often less supply of services and infrastructure to support more solitary living arrangements.

And finally, it’s also likely that some of the causality runs in the opposite direction. It’s not only that incomes, culture, or welfare states enable people to live alone, but also that for many workers, attaining higher incomes in today’s economy often demands changes in living arrangements. Migration from rural to urban areas is the prime example.

Is the rise of one-person households a problem?

Social connections – including contact with friends and family – are important for our health and emotional well-being. Hence, as the ‘rise of living alone’ continues, there will be new challenges to connect people and support those living alone, particularly in poorer countries where communication technologies are less developed and welfare states are weaker .

But it’s also important to remember that living alone is not the same as feeling lonely. There’s evidence that living alone is, by itself, a poor predictor of loneliness. Self-reported loneliness has not been growing in recent decades. In fact, the countries where people are most likely to say they have support from family and friends are the same countries – in Scandinavia – where a large fraction of the population lives alone.

Incomes and freedom of choice are not the only drivers of the ‘rise of living alone’; but it would be remiss to ignore they do contribute to this trend.

Higher incomes , economic transitions that enable migration from agriculture in rural areas into manufacturing and services in cities, and rising female participation in labor markets all play a role. People are more likely to live alone today than in the past partly because they can increasingly do so.

Interactive charts on loneliness and social connections

There are dozens of articles reporting the ‘15 cigarettes a day’ figure. See, for example this in The Daily Mail . All the articles that cite this figure trace back to Dr. Vivek Murthy and a meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad et al. (2015), which we discuss in more detail below. When reviewing this meta-analysis, we found the claim that loneliness is a risk factor comparable to smoking, but we could not find the calculations that lead to the 15 cigarettes benchmark. It’s still unclear to me what the unit of loneliness is and what this translates into in terms of years of lives lost. However, given that 15 cigarettes per day are about the average consumption among smokers , the benchmark may come from comparing excess mortality of smoking for the average smoker vs. excess mortality of loneliness for average levels of loneliness.

The most popular composite index is the UCLA Loneliness Scale , which was first proposed in 1978 and is based on a 20-item scale designed to measure subjective feelings of loneliness. You can read more about it here .

Penninx, B. W., Van Tilburg, T., Kriegsman, D. M., Deeg, D. J., Boeke, A. J. P., & van Eijk, J. T. M. (1997). Effects of social support and personal coping resources on mortality in older age: The Longitudinal Aging Study Amsterdam. American journal of epidemiology, 146(6), 510-519.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review. Perspectives on psychological science, 10(2), 227-237.

Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of behavioral medicine, 40(2), 218-227.

Pinker, S. (2015). The village effect: How face-to-face contact can make us healthier and happier. Vintage Canada.

Cole, S. W., Hawkley, L. C., Arevalo, J. M., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). Transcript origin analysis identifies antigen-presenting cells as primary targets of socially regulated gene expression in leukocytes. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(7), 3080-3085.

Two concrete papers that show this is a real concern are:

- Abdellaoui, A., Sanchez-Roige, S., Sealock, J., Treur, J. L., Dennis, J., Fontanillas, P., … & Baselmans, B. (2018). Phenome-wide investigation of health outcomes associated with genetic predisposition to loneliness. bioRxiv, 468835.

-Abdellaoui, A., Chen, H. Y., Willemsen, G., Ehli, E. A., Davies, G. E., Verweij, K. J., … & Cacioppo, J. T. (2019). Associations between loneliness and personality are mostly driven by a genetic association with neuroticism. Journal of personality, 87(2), 386-397.

If you know of relevant studies that do provide such estimates, please let me know at [email protected].

For historical context: The Harvard Graduate School of Education – the first to admit women – opened admissions to women in 1920, and the Harvard Medical School accepted its first female enrollees in 1945, even though the first woman applied in 1847. You can read more about the hard-earned gains for women at Harvard here: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/04/hard-earned-gains-for-women-at-harvard/

The original participants for this study came from two groups: a cohort of 268 men, 19 years of age, from the Harvard classes of 1939-1944; and a group of 456 caucasian men, ages 11-16, from underprivileged neighborhoods of Boston. Over the years, the project evolved, enrolling more participants, and many of the children of the original participants are included in the study today.

The question on frequency of interaction with friends was asked in the context of time spent at work, clubs or places of worship. The options included ‘weekly’, ‘once or twice a month’, ‘only a few times a month’, and ‘not at all’. The options for happiness, on the other hand, included ‘very happy’, ‘quite happy’, ‘not very happy’, and ‘not at all happy’. In the chart, we took this data and split the sample in two: we classified respondents as ‘often meeting with friends’ if they said they met with friends once a month or more frequently, and we classified them as ‘rarely meeting with friends’ if they said they met with friends ‘once a year’ or ‘not at all’. Then, for each of these two groups, we plotted the share who reported being ‘very happy’ or 'quite happy’.

The estimates have, of course, a margin of error that varies with the survey size. The difference between the green and blue dots is statistically significant for about half of the countries (i.e., for about half of the countries in this chart, the 95% confidence intervals around the blue and green dots would not overlap).

Waldinger, R. J., Cohen, S., Schulz, M. S., & Crowell, J. A. (2015). Security of attachment to spouses in late life: Concurrent and prospective links with cognitive and emotional well-being. Clinical Psychological Science, 3(4), 516-529.

See for example:- Cacioppo, J. T., Hawkley, L. C., & Thisted, R. A. (2010). Perceived social isolation makes me sad: 5-year cross-lagged analyses of loneliness and depressive symptomatology in the Chicago Health, Aging, and Social Relations Study . Psychology and aging, 25(2), 453.- Cacioppo, J. T., Hughes, M. E., Waite, L. J., Hawkley, L. C., & Thisted, R. A. (2006). Loneliness as a specific risk factor for depressive symptoms: cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses. Psychology and aging, 21(1), 140.

The researchers used an open question: “What could you do to ensure that you will be more satisfied in the future?”. There are, of course, many types of answers that people can provide to such an open-ended question, so the authors decided to classify each individual answer into one of two categories, depending on whether or not the respondents described a ‘socially engaged strategy’. This process of classifying answers could naturally raise questions: the authors could manipulate the subjective classification of answers to fit their favorite hypothesis. In order to insure themselves against this criticism, the researchers relied on three independent coders, and they stipulated the classification method and the expected results in a pre-analysis plan . You find more details in the paper: Rohrer, J. M., Richter, D., Brümmer, M., Wagner, G. G., & Schmukle, S. C. (2018). Successfully striving for happiness: Socially engaged pursuits predict increases in life satisfaction. Psychological science, 29(8), 1291-1298.

The key point to remember is that we are not talking about experimental evidence. People who frequently interact with friends or people who say they want to engage more in ‘social strategies to improve their lives’ are likely different. Although the researchers do try to control for this, it is very hard to measure all the relevant characteristics that might help drive life satisfaction. Similarly, asking people about strategies to improve their lives is difficult. Although the qualitative strategy from the paper above is interesting, it’s still hard to draw accurate comparisons: it’s possible that ‘non-social’ strategies, for example, are more difficult or stressful to pursue; so part of the lower apparent impact that these strategies have on happiness might come from the fact that some people are trying but failing to find a better job.

Snell, K. D. M. (2017). The rise of living alone and loneliness in history . Social History, 42(1), 2-28.

The percentage of single-person households is a proxy for ‘solitary living’. However, it’s important to emphasize that these two things are not really the same. Single-person households include those where a person lives alone in an individual housing unit, but they also include people who live independently as lodgers in a separate room within a larger housing unit with other occupants. So technically, there are some people who live in a ‘single-person household’, but they don’t really live alone.

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Guest Essay

Surgeon General: We Have Become a Lonely Nation. It’s Time to Fix That.

By Vivek H. Murthy

Dr. Murthy is the surgeon general.

A patient of mine once shared with me a most unusual story. He had worked for years in the food industry with a modest salary and humble lifestyle. Then he won the lottery. Overnight, his life changed. He quit his job and moved into a large house in a gated community.

Yet as he sat across from me, he sadly declared, “Winning the lottery was one of the worst things that ever happened to me.” Wealthy but alone, this once vivacious, social man no longer knew his neighbors and had lost touch with his former co-workers. He soon developed high blood pressure and diabetes.

I thought about his story in 2017 when I found myself struggling with loneliness. My first stint as surgeon general had just ended. I was suddenly disconnected from the colleagues with whom I had spent most of my waking hours. It might not have been so bad had I not made a critical mistake: I had largely neglected my friendships during my tenure, convincing myself that I had to focus on work and I couldn’t do both.

Even when I was physically with the people I loved, I wasn’t present — I was often checking the news and responding to messages in my inbox. After my job ended, I felt ashamed to reach out to friends I had ignored. I found myself increasingly lonely and isolated, and it felt as if I was the only one who felt that way. Loneliness — like depression, with which it can be associated — can chip away at your self-esteem and erode your sense of who you are. That’s what happened to me.

At any moment, about one out of every two Americans is experiencing measurable levels of loneliness . This includes introverts and extroverts, rich and poor, and younger and older Americans. Sometimes loneliness is set off by the loss of a loved one or a job, a move to a new city, or health or financial difficulties — or a once-in-a-century pandemic.

Other times, it’s hard to know how it arose but it’s simply there. One thing is clear: Nearly everyone experiences it at some point. But its invisibility is part of what makes it so insidious. We need to acknowledge the loneliness and isolation that millions are experiencing and the grave consequences for our mental health, physical health and collective well-being.

This week I am proposing a national framework to rebuild social connection and community in America. Loneliness is more than just a bad feeling. When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases. So does their risk of heart disease (29 percent), dementia (50 percent), and stroke (32 percent). The increased risk of premature death associated with social disconnection is comparable to smoking daily — and may be even greater than the risk associated with obesity.

Loneliness and isolation hurt whole communities. Social disconnection is associated with reduced productivity in the workplace, worse performance in school, and diminished civic engagement. When we are less invested in one another, we are more susceptible to polarization and less able to pull together to face the challenges that we cannot solve alone — from climate change and gun violence to economic inequality and future pandemics. As it has built for decades, the epidemic of loneliness and isolation has fueled other problems that are killing us and threaten to rip our country apart.

Given these extraordinary costs, rebuilding social connection must be a top public health priority for our nation. It will require reorienting ourselves, our communities, and our institutions to prioritize human connection and healthy relationships. The good news is we know how to do this.

First, we must strengthen social infrastructure — the programs, policies, and structures that aid the development of healthy relationships. That means supporting school-based programs that teach children about building healthy relationships, workplace design that fosters social connection, and community programs that bring people together.

Second, we have to renegotiate our relationship with technology, creating space in our lives without our devices so we can be more present with one another. That also means choosing not to take part in online dialogues that amplify judgment and hate instead of understanding.

Finally, we have to take steps in our personal lives to rebuild our connection to one another — and small steps can make a big difference. This is medicine hiding in plain sight: Evidence shows that connection is linked to better heart health, brain health and immunity. It could be spending 15 minutes each day to reach out to people we care about, introducing ourselves to our neighbors, checking on co-workers who may be having a hard time, sitting down with people with different views to get to know and understand them, and seeking opportunities to serve others, recognizing that helping people is one of the most powerful antidotes to loneliness.

If loneliness and isolation have left you struggling with distressing feelings, reach out to someone supportive or your health care providers, and if it is a crisis, call 988. And if you go through significant social changes, be open with your health care providers about them, as this may help them understand and manage potential health effects.

For me, it took more than a year of struggling with the pain and shame of loneliness, but I eventually found my footing. I didn’t do it on my own. My mother, Myetraie; father, Hallegere; and sister, Rashmi, called me every day to remind me that they loved me for who I was. My wife, Alice, reminded me that the light she had seen in me when we first met was still there, even if I couldn’t see it at times. And my friends Sunny and Dave committed to doing video conferences once a month and texting and talking weekly about the issues that weighed on our hearts and minds.

During one of my lowest lows, the people in my life patched me up with their acts of love and connection. It is still a work in progress, but years later, in my second tenure in public service, I am making a much bigger effort to build and maintain my relationships. I am a better father, husband, friend and surgeon general as a result.

Every generation is called to take on challenges that threaten the underpinnings of society. Addressing the crisis of loneliness and isolation is one of our generation’s greatest challenges. By building more connected lives and more connected communities, we can strengthen the foundation of our individual and collective well-being and we can be better poised to respond to the threats we are facing as a nation.

This work will take all of us: schools, workplaces, community organizations, government, health workers, public health professionals, individuals, families and more working together. And it will be worth it because our need for human connection is like our need for food and water: essential for our survival. The joy I felt being reconnected with my friends and family is possible for our nation.

Have You Struggled With Loneliness? Times Opinion Wants to Hear From You.

If you have experienced loneliness or are struggling with it now and would like to share your story, please use the form below. We plan to use a selection of responses in a future project. An Opinion editor will contact you before publishing your comments.

Vivek H. Murthy is the surgeon general, and vice admiral of the Public Health Service Commissioned Corps. He was also surgeon general in the Obama administration.

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook , Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram .

Personal essay: My midlife lonliness

Eighteen months ago, on a beautiful September day, I packed a picnic and chased Seth, two, and Martha, three, into the car for a day at a park I’d heard about. We had moved to Brighton four months before, and been told it had a wonderful woodland playground for the kids, and a café with flat whites for me. I allowed myself to feel a bubble of hope as the children scooted down the hill towards the log-and-rope climbing frame. I had felt restless and sad for weeks, doubting our decision to leave my job , and move away from London. But perhaps, I thought, a new life by the sea might work for me, as well as for my husband Rufus and the kids.

We had been racing around the park for almost 40 minutes before the anonymous huddle by the zip wire started taking shape. Six women, sitting on a rug with a posse of babies and toddlers crawling around them. They were sharing crisps and a bottle of wine, laughing and occasionally scooping up a tot when it shuffled too far away. The intimacy of that group caught me like a blow to the chest. It was acutely, physically painful to be reminded of what I suddenly realised I was missing: real friendship , that easy togetherness and warmth that takes an investment of time and love to build. 

Why had it hit me so hard? My wonderful sister lived close by, and went out of her way to help me settle, introducing me to her gang. My husband put my wobbly emotional state down to adjusting to freelance life. ‘Give it time,’ he counselled. Mum had practical solutions – get some extra childcare and take a course as a portal to friendship; fill up my days with toddler groups and play dates. But, at the time, I was too unsettled to even consider doing any of this. 

In a recent Relate survey, one in five people aged 35-44 admitted to feeling lonely ‘a lot of the time’. It is, in fact, normal. ‘Most people feel lonely at some point in their lives, but that doesn’t mean they are chronically lonely any more than feeling pain at some point in their lives means they suffer chronic pain,’ says Professor John T Cacioppo, a leading researcher into loneliness at the University of Chicago.

But it’s not much fun, nor is it good for you; it affects sleep , and causes depression and an increase in the stress hormone cortisol, according to Nicky Forsythe, psychotherapist and founder of The Talk For Health Company. Unlike the physical isolation of old age, loneliness at our age is usually prompted by change, which can trigger deep feelings of loss. ‘Loneliness in your thirties, forties and fifties is often actually down to a displacement of your sense of self, rather than not seeing friends every night like you used to,’ says Andrew G Marshall, author of I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You: Seven Steps To Saving Your Relationship (£8.99, Bloomsbury). ‘We don’t realise there are different life stages that have different tasks. Motherhood , for instance, is wonderful but tough. You may well find yourself facing very real feelings of loss.’

Transition – and the subsequent shedding, gaining and renewal of relationships – is inevitable. You might decide to start your own business or work from home, like me, so leave the comradeship and noise of an office. Or a good friend moves away. ‘When I had Jeannie, I was 32 and the first of my friends to have children,’ says Debbie Howard, a 37-year-old nurse from Newcastle. ‘While my friends were incredibly loyal, they didn’t get it, and we drifted apart. A year ago, I split up with Jeannie’s father and I feel lonelier than ever . I dread the weekends. I feel trapped and my world has completely shrunk.’

Any change when you are forced to leave your old tribe can be isolating. For Louise Jones, a 38-year-old teacher from Northampton, being single again at 36 acted as the trip switch, cutting her off from her friendships. ‘After the first flurry of attention, I was on my own, dealing with a terrifying new stage of life,’ she says. ‘I started university to train as a teacher in Leeds, but I felt a failure, picking up the pieces of my life when I should have been getting married or having kids. There were times when I felt so alone, I would just curl up in the corner of my flat and sob.’

And there’s the rub. Anything that detaches you from old, familiar patterns, places or people can flood you with a complex slew of emotions; and it’s unravelling these that is the key to recovery, say experts. As I stood in the park that day, was it straightforward loneliness I felt? Or was it a more complex mixture of fear, anger, regret and panic that I’d made the wrong decision? ‘The loss and pain you might call loneliness is often a yearning for a former life, or self. It’s displacement,’ says Andrew G Marshall. 

‘Unpick your emotions to find out what’s really going on. Start keeping a feelings diary; over a few days, you’ll become aware of all your feelings, not just the bad ones. If negative emotions recur, do something about them. If you are feeling loss, for instance, let yourself grieve. Roll up your sleeves and sort your life out. You are an adult; you have the power to change things.’

And treat it as a sign you need to change. ‘Loneliness is an aversive state that has evolved as a signal to change behaviour – very much like hunger, thirst or physical pain – to motivate us to renew the connections we need to survive and prosper,’ says Professor Cacioppo. 

Even acknowledging loneliness is helpful, says psychologist Jacqui Marson, author of The Curse Of Lovely: How To Break Free From The Demands Of Others And Learn How To Say No (£12.99, Piatkus). ‘It’s what I call the tiger in the mind; certain thoughts trigger fears. You may catch sight of others huddled in groups and that’s a trigger for you – you’ll feel lonely, and trapped, then stress hormones flood your body. One of the most helpful things you can do in this situation is to recognise what’s happening, and think, hang on, this is temporary.’

The real antidote, says Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry , is ‘authentic sharing’, connecting on a deep level. ‘Sometimes we feel we have to put our public mask on, not share who we really are,’ she says. While you might appear to be the perfect smiling neighbour, parent and/or colleague, maybe the real you wants to sound off, for example, about your toddler’s new habit of jettisoning every scrap of food from her high chair. ‘To connect with another person, you have to stop being who you think you ought to be and be who you really are,’ says Perry. 

You may feel ashamed even in looking lonely, being on your own while everyone around you appears happily befriended. ‘But don’t let it shape you,’ says Perry. ‘You won’t want to share your vulnerability, but remember we’re all weak and vulnerable. Feel the shame, but don’t let it stop you reaching out.’ 

For me, taking responsibility for my family’s new trajectory helped enormously. I had badly wanted to live near my sister and give my children a childhood by the sea. Used to the rush hour of working motherhood in London, it took me 18 months to adjust to a new, family-centric way of life. I joined some groups with Seth, Martha started pre-school, then school. Wonderfully, organically, real friendships grew. Last week, we went to the beach; the kids were running in and out of the waves and a friend wandered over proffering a glass of wine and wanting to chat. I was home.

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Essay About Being Alone: 5 Examples and 8 Prompts

To explore your understanding of this subject, read the following examples of an essay about being alone and prompts to use in your next essay.  

Being alone and lonely are often used interchangeably, but they don’t have the same meaning.

Everyone has a different notion of what being alone means. Some think it’s physically secluding yourself from people, while others regard it as the feeling of serenity or hopelessness even in the middle of a crowd.

Being alone offers various benefits, such as finding peace and solitude to reflect and be creative. However, too much isolation can negatively impact physical and mental health . 

By understanding the contrast between the meaning of being alone and being lonely, you’ll be able to express your thoughts clearly and deliver a great essay. 

1. Why I Love Being Alone by Role Reboot and Chanel Dubofsky

2. why do i like being alone so much [19 possible reasons] by sarah kristenson, 3. things to do by yourself by kendra cherry, 4. the art of being alone, but not lonely by kei hysi, 5.  my biggest fear was being alone by jennifer twardowski, 8 writing prompts on essay about being alone, 1. why you prefer to be alone, 2. things learned from being alone, 3. pros and cons of being alone, 4. being alone vs. being lonely, 5. the difference between being alone vs. being with someone else, 6. the fear of being alone, 7. how to enjoy your own company without being lonely.

“For me, being alone is something I choose, loneliness is the result of being alone, or feeling alone when I haven’t chosen it, but they aren’t the same, and they don’t necessarily lead to one another.”

In this essay, the authors make it clear that being alone is not the same as being lonely. They also mention that it’s a choice to be alone or be lonely with someone. Being alone is something that the authors are comfortable with and crave to find peace and clarity in their minds. For more, see these articles about being lonely .

“It’s important to know why you want to be alone. It can help you make the best of that time and appreciate this self-quality. Or, if you’re alone for negative reasons, it can help you address things in your life that may need to be changed.”

Kristenson’s essay probes the positive and negative reasons a person likes being alone. Positive reasons include creativity, decisiveness, and contentment as they remove themselves from drama.

The negative reasons for being alone are also critical to identify because they lead to unhealthy choices and results such as depression. The negative reasons listed are not being able to separate your emotions from others, thinking the people around you dislike you and being unable to show your authentic self to others because you’re afraid people might not like you.

“Whether you are an introvert who thrives on solitude or a gregarious extrovert who loves socializing, a little high-quality time to yourself can be good for your overall well-being.”

In this essay, Cherry points out the importance of being alone, whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert. She also mentions the benefits of allocating time for yourself and advises on how to enjoy your own company. Letting yourself be alone for a while will help you improve your memory, creativity, and attention to detail, making them more productive.

“You learn to love yourself first. You need to explore life, explore yourselves, grow through challenges, learn from mistakes, get out of your comfort zone, know your true potential, and feel comfortable in your own skin. The moment you love yourself, you become immune to loneliness.”

Hysi explores being alone without feeling lonely. He argues that people must learn to love and put themselves first to stop feeling lonely. This can be challenging, especially for those who put themselves last to serve others. He concludes that loving ourselves leads to a better life. 

“We have to be comfortable in our own skin and be willing to be who we truly are, unapologetically. We have to love ourselves unconditionally and, through that love, be willing to seek out what our hearts truly desire — both in our relationships and in our life choices.”

The author discusses why she’s afraid of being alone and how she overcame it. Because she was scared of getting left alone, she always did things to please anyone, even if she wasn’t happy about it.  What was important to her then was that she was not alone. But she realized she would still feel lonely even if she wasn’t alone. 

Learning to be true to herself helped her overcome what she was afraid of. One key to happiness and fulfillment is loving yourself and always being genuine.

Did you finally have ideas about how to convey your thoughts about being alone after reading the samples above? If you’re now looking for ideas on what to talk about in your essay, here are 8 prompts to consider.

Read the best essay writing tips to incorporate them into your writing.

Today, many people assume that individuals who want to be alone are lonely. However, this is not the case for everyone. 

You can talk about a universal situation or feeling your readers will easily understand. Such as wanting to be alone when you’re mad or when you’re burnout from school or work. You can also talk about why you want to be alone after acing a test or graduating – to cherish the moment.

People tend to overthink when they are alone. In this essay, discuss what you learned from spending time alone. Perhaps you have discovered something about yourself, found a new hobby, or connected with your emotions.

Your essay can be an eye-opener for individuals contemplating if they want to take some time off to be alone. Explain how you felt when alone and if there were any benefits from spending this time by yourself.

While being alone has several benefits, such as personal exploration or reflection, time to reboot, etc., too much isolation can also have disadvantages. Conduct research into the pros and cons of alone time, and pick a side to create a compelling argumentative essay . Then, write these in your essay. Knowing the pros and cons of being alone will let others know when being alone is no longer beneficial and they’ll need someone to talk to.

We all have different views and thoughts about being alone and lonely. Write your notion and beliefs about them. You can also give examples using your real-life experiences. Reading different opinions and ideas about the same things broadens your and your readers’ perspectives.

Some people like being with their loved ones or friends rather than spending time alone. In this prompt, you will share what you felt or experienced when you were alone compared to when you were with someone else. For you, what do you prefer more? You can inform your readers about your choice and why you like it over the other.

While being alone can be beneficial and something some people crave, being alone for a long time can be scary for others. Write about the things you are most afraid of, such as, “What if I die alone, would there be people who will mourn for me?”  This will create an emotive and engaging essay for your next writing project.

Learning to be alone and genuinely enjoying it contributes to personal growth. However, being comfortable in your skin can still be challenging. This essay offers the reader tips to help others get started in finding happiness and tranquillity in their own company. Discuss activities that you can do while being alone. Perhaps create a list of hobbies and interests you can enjoy while being alone. 

Interested in learning more? Read our guide on descriptive essay s for more inspiration!

Maria Caballero is a freelance writer who has been writing since high school. She believes that to be a writer doesn't only refer to excellent syntax and semantics but also knowing how to weave words together to communicate to any reader effectively.

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Feelings and effects of loneliness

In this topic

What does loneliness feel like and how can it affect me.

Loneliness can have really serious effects on how we feel, what we think, and even on our physical health.

We all deserve to have nourishing social connections , so if you’re feeling lonely, remember there are things you can do right now , and long-term strategies that work.

“ It feels like there’s a hole inside me, and as much as I try to fill it with other things, it just keeps eating away at me. ”

Feelings and thoughts

Loneliness can often cause other related feelings, such as:

• Feeling empty
• Feeling worthless
• Feeling unseen, unheard, or misunderstood
• Feeling sad, down or low.

When we have these feelings, our brains naturally try to make sense of them. We might justify these feelings with reasons for why we are lonely (“nobody likes me”), or come up with thoughts to try and make ourselves feel better (“being alone means I won't get hurt anyway”).

That means you might think some of the things listed below - but it’s important to remember these aren’t necessarily true or accurate.

You might think:

• “Nobody cares about me”
• “I deserve to be alone”
• “There must be something wrong with me”
• “It’s all meaningless”
• “It’s safer to be alone…nobody will reject me”.

These self-critical thoughts are often the opposite of what’s really true and just leave you feeling worse. You can explore some of the real reasons why you might feel lonely on our causes page.

“ I started to isolate myself from everyone around me. It felt as if everything was moving, and I was just stagnant; I couldn’t catch up. ”

Physical effects

Our mind and body are inseparable from each other - meaning how we’re feeling emotionally has effects on our physical health too.

Other studies have found that loneliness may also be linked to:

• Poor sleep quality
• An increased risk of heart problems such as stroke and heart disease
• A weakened immune system and the tendency to get sick more often
• A decline in our brain’s performance and an increased risk of dementia
• An increased risk of health problems later in life.

Other effects

It’s natural to want to escape feelings of loneliness, which can lead some people to try and fill the void inside with coping mechanisms that can cause both immediate and long-term problems.

Some common unhelpful coping mechanisms include:

• Misusing substances such as drugs, alcohol or nicotine
• Addictive behaviours such as gambling , gaming, pornography, over-eating, over-exercising or over-working
• Risky behaviours such as unsafe sex.

Feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily experience any of these effects. Learning more about loneliness, like you’re doing right now, is the first step to feeling more connected .

There are also things you can do right now and in the long term to reduce feelings of loneliness.

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Loneliness: A Personal Essay

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by Jay Litvin

Normally, when I pray, it’s a struggle for me just to keep abreast of the meaning of the words. I’m not so proficient in Hebrew, and I’ve had to spend many hours with my English/Hebrew siddur going back and forth, back and forth, to learn the meaning of what I’m saying as I pray.

I’ve never regretted my labors. The meanings of the prayers strike deep, and I enjoy the language of prayer in my communication with G-d. Whatever difficulties with language and meaning I encounter are joyfully accepted.

But there are times when I get so caught up with the sound and rhythm of the words as I form them in my mouth and then hear them with my ears that they simply come and go, like a flowing stream, taking on a life of their own.

When this happens, I become so enchanted by the texture and form of the words themselves, the tempo and cadence of the sentences, that the very act of davening , the process itself, becomes its own meaning and fulfillment. I become carried by prayer, rather than being the doer of it.

There is the look of the words. The shape of the Hebrew letters themselves. The dance of black and white on the page. The delight of having these strange lines (and the figures they form) take on sound. The surprise when all at once four or five of these shapes group together to make a word with length, depth and dimension. And then, suddenly, a batch of words will link up to become a phrase, a group of notes in a delightful piece of music. My greatest delight is when a beat or pulse emerges as the phrases join and reveal a rhythmic poem made from a series of what by now have become meaningless sounds—sounds that, because of their lack of meaning, come from a place in me beyond the place that looks for meaning in words.

My favorite is the emerging cadence. Each time it is the same. I open my siddur and begin reading. At first, the words are strange and my mouth has difficulty forming the sounds. My lips and throat resist the shift from English to Hebrew and the words flow haltingly and with effort. The lines and forms lie disconnected on the page, struggling to attach to one another to reveal the shape that is theirs. The rhythms are now concealed; I hear none of the beauty that I know will soon emerge.

I have a sense of anticipation and slight frustration struggling for the pleasure that will shortly be mine. Then, slowly, finally, it begins. Attracted like magnets, the lines become drawn to each other so that—sometimes touching, sometimes not—one becomes attached to the other, forming letters, words, and eventually sounds that now flow more easily from my mouth.

Soon the words comfortably emerge, faster than I can control, urged and spurred by the familiarity and habit of days and months and years of repetition. Faster and faster they come, my eyes now barely able to separate one word from the other, as the words come more from memory than sight.

And all the while, the physical transformation is mirrored by a deeper, inner transformation. My mind quiets, becoming absorbed and enveloped by the flow of the prayers, rising above its limited state, leaving a bit of the world behind.

And though I am not now struggling with the meaning of each word, there are shifting inner feelings that accompany each paragraph; feelings that I know reflect the meaning of the words, though the meaning of the words are not what fill my thoughts.

What fills my thoughts? A million things. But I attach to none of them. They come. They go. But don’t prevail. My awareness remains with the sounds and the rhythms and the sights. And with my feelings.

There are times, but not always, that very deep feelings rise, unexpected. They sometimes overcome me during this flight of prayer. There occurs, usually, an opening of my heart. A fullness in my chest. And then, a deep sense of companionship.

In the best of days, when I have abandoned myself to what is for me the very tactile, sensuous experience of prayer; when I have relinquished all resistance to the flow and rhythm of the sounds; when my eyes and mouth and lips seem to function completely on their own; when the flow of thoughts and feelings rise and fall spontaneously without attachment or resistance, I find that a strange thing occurs.

I stop feeling lonely.

loneliness prayer Power of Prayer

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Loneliness and social isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic

Tzung-jeng hwang.

1 Department of Psychiatry, College of Medicine and National Taiwan University Hospital, National Taiwan University, Taipei, Taiwan

Kiran Rabheru

2 Department of Psychiatry, Faculty of Medicine, University of Ottawa, Ottawa, Canada

Carmelle Peisah

3 School of Psychiatry, University New South Wales; and Discipline Psychiatry, Sydney University, Sydney, Australia

William Reichman

4 Department of Psychiatry, Faculty of Medicine, University of Toronto, Toronto, Canada

Manabu Ikeda

5 Department of Psychiatry, Osaka University Graduate School of Medicine, Osaka, Japan

Introduction

The COVID-19 pandemic has led to implementation of unprecedented “social distancing” strategies crucial to limiting the spread of the virus. In addition to quarantine and isolation procedures for those who have been exposed to or infected with COVID-19, social distancing has been enforced amongst the general population to reduce the transmission of COVID-19.

The risk of COVID-19 infection is greater for older adults over the age of 60 years who are at a heightened risk of severe illness, hospitalization, intensive care unit admission, and death (US CDC, 2020 ). According to the Centre for Evidence-Based Medicine, the case fatality rate (CFR) is about 4% for patients over 60 years old, 8% for patients over age 70 years, and approximately 15% for patients over the age of 80 (Oxford COVID-19 Evidence Service, 2020 ). This compares with CFR of 0.0026%–0.3% in those under age 45.

However, there is a high cost associated with the essential quarantine and social distancing interventions for COVID-19, especially in older adults, who have experienced an acute, severe sense of social isolation and loneliness with potentially serious mental and physical health consequences. The impact may be disproportionately amplified in those with pre-existing mental illness, who are often suffering from loneliness and social isolation prior to the enhanced distancing from others imposed by the COVID-19 pandemic public health measures.

Older adults are also more vulnerable to social isolation and loneliness as they are functionally very dependent on family members or supports by community services. While robust social restrictions are necessary to prevent spread of COVID-19, it is of critical importance to bear in mind that social distancing should not equate to social disconnection.

The present position paper aims to describe the nature of loneliness and social isolation among older persons, its effect on their health, and ways to cope with loneliness and social isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Loneliness and social isolation

Loneliness and social isolation frequently co-occur and are all too common in older adults. While the term loneliness refers to subjective feelings, social isolation is defined by the level and frequency of one’s social interactions. As a generally accepted concept, loneliness is defined as the subjective feeling of being alone, while social isolation describes an objective state of individuals’ social environments and interactional patterns. Studies suggest that while loneliness and social isolation are not equal to each other, both can exert a detrimental effect on health through shared and different pathways.

Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, loneliness and social isolation were so prevalent across Europe, the USA, and China (10–40%) (Leigh-Hunt et al. , 2017 ; Xia and Li, 2018 ) that it was described as a “behavioral epidemic” (Jeste et al. , 2020 ). The situation has only worsened with the restrictions imposed to contain viral spread.

Physical and mental health impacts

Loneliness is associated with various physical and mental repercussions, including elevated systolic blood pressure and increased risk for heart disease. Both loneliness and social isolation have been associated with an increased risk for coronary artery disease-associated death, even in middle-aged adults without a prior history of myocardial infarction (Heffner et al. , 2011 ; Steptoe et al. , 2013 ). Furthermore, research has shown that both loneliness and social isolation are independent risk factors for higher all-cause mortality (Yu et al. , 2020 ).

Being lonely has several adverse impacts on mental health. Reduced time in bed spent asleep (7% reduced sleep efficiency) and increased wake time after sleep onset have been related to loneliness (Cacioppo et al. , 2002 ; Fässberg et al. , 2012 ). Increased depressive symptomatology may also be caused by loneliness, along with poor self-rated health, impaired functional status, vision deficits, and a perceived negative change in the quality of one’s life (Lee et al. , 2019 ). A systematic review of suicide risk also found that loneliness is associated with both suicide attempts and completed suicide among older adults (Fässberg et al. , 2012 ). Loneliness, along with depressive symptoms, are related to worsening cognition over time. A systematic review concluded that loneliness and social isolation were significantly associated with incident dementia (Kuiper et al. , 2015 ).

The proposed mechanism for the adverse health impacts of loneliness focuses on the physiological stress response (such as increased cortisol) (Xia and Li, 2018 ). Abnormal stress responses lead to adverse health outcomes. For social isolation, the mechanism may be related to behavioral changes, including an unhealthy lifestyle (such as smoking, alcohol consumption, lower physical activity, poor dietary choices, and noncompliance with medical prescription) (Kobayashi and Steptoe, 2018 ; Leigh-Hunt et al. , 2017 ). A smaller social network with less medical support exacerbates these conditions. Recognizing and developing a better understanding of these possible mechanisms should help us to design the most impactful interventions.

Tips for preventing the detrimental effect of loneliness and social isolation

There are established ways to maintain feelings of being connected to others despite having to maintain social distancing. By organizing our activities every single day, we can become more resistant to the onset of feelings of loneliness. For older adults, some tips are as follows.

Keep connections

• Spend more time with your family . Utilize opportunities offered by the pandemic. Before the pandemic, some family members may have been distracted by work and school commitments, but now they may have more time at home and a higher degree of freedom to connect with older loved ones. In the era of social distancing, quality interactions using physical distancing of at least two meters along with the use of personal protective equipment such as masks enable contact with family members. This is vitally helpful to defend against loneliness.
• Maintain social connections with technology . Along with the telephone, technology has changed the way people interact with each other. Social media platforms such as Facebook, Skype, Twitter, LINE, and Instagram enable people to stay connected in a variety of ways. Many older adults, however, may not be as familiar with these new technologies, and this style of interaction may not effectively serve their emotional needs. We can help older family members and friends to overcome such technology barriers. Online video chat is easier to use and sufficiently conveys nonverbal cues so that people can feel more engaged. Even without new technology available, communication through phone services is beneficial too. Conversations with a regular schedule through online or phone services with family members and loved ones can be helpful for older adults.

Maintain basic needs and healthy activities

• Ensure basic needs are met . Family and carers should ensure food, medication, and mask accessibility for older adults, especially those who live alone.
• Structure every single day . To stay confined at home for much of every day is a psychological challenge for many people. When most outdoor activities are not available, it is not easy to maintain a regular daily schedule. However, we can encourage and support engagement with activities deemed pleasurable by the older person with benefits for physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Regular scheduling is especially supportive for older people at risk of delirium, which is characterized by a disturbance of circadian rhythm. Television and YouTube channels adapted for older adults with proper physical and mental programs (e.g. exercise programs, mindfulness practice, and music programs) can also be very useful.
• Maintain physical and mental activities . Exercise has benefits for physical and psychological health (specifically for mood and cognition). There is evidence that regular engagement in mentally challenging and new activities may reduce the risk of dementia. Although we may not be able to exercise together as before, we should maintain physical activities at the individual level. Besides, these personal physical activities can be performed at a group level by setting a common goal, sharing our progress, or creating a friendly competition via social media.
• Pursue outdoor activities while following the guidance of social distancing . Brief outdoor activities are usually still possible and beneficial to health. One can feel much better as a result of sunlight exposure and the ability to see other people while still maintaining physical distancing.

Manage emotions and psychiatric symptoms

• Manage cognition, emotion, and mood . Loneliness is often associated with negative thoughts (cognitions). Moreover, anxiety and depression may cause social withdrawal which will exacerbate the loneliness and isolation associated with social distancing. Acquiring reliable information about the pandemic helps avoid unnecessary worry and negative rumination. Conscious breathing, meditation, and other relaxation techniques are helpful for the mind and body and can decrease one’s level of anxiety and depression. Emotional support for family members and friends is especially important during this harsh pandemic period, but one should not hesitate to seek help as well.
• Pay attention to psychiatric symptoms . The pandemic is quite stressful for every individual, and the significant stress can precipitate the occurrence or recurrence of mental disorders in some people, especially vulnerable older people. Depression, anxiety, and sleep disturbance are common, especially when one is under quarantine or self-isolation. Other symptoms include anger, irritability, and compulsive behaviors, such as repeated washing and cleaning. Furthermore, the experiences of social isolation and quarantine may bring back post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms for those previously exposed to other related events such as the severe acute respiratory syndrome and Middle East respiratory syndrome epidemics (Hawryluck et al. , 2004 ). Online screening tools and rating scales can help us to understand the magnitude of the impact on our mental health. People with existing psychiatric disorders and their family members should pay special attention to their mental health and follow important tips to prevent worsening of symptoms. Medical assistance should always be sought when necessary, particularly in response to the expression of suicidal ideation. Those taking prescribed psychiatric medications should make sure that their supply is adequate, despite the limitations imposed by social distancing and the difficulty in visiting the pharmacy. Government agencies, social service organizations, and healthcare providers should consider offering online psychological services (or at least phone services) to those psychogeriatric patients who need medical advice during the social isolation period.
• Take special care of older people with dementia and their family carers . The world and the way people live have significantly been disrupted in response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Changes are always stressful and require people to adapt. However, people with dementia have compromised adaptive function, and the pandemic may aggravate negative emotions and invoke behavioral and psychological symptoms. Recognizing that people with dementia may find it difficult to understand and comply with social distancing, caregivers should try to give instructions on hand hygiene, social distancing, and other protective measures in a simple, straightforward, and understandable way. Regular daily schedules and activities should be arranged and individually tailored to the dementia patient’s interests. Family carers might be under especially severe levels of stress and feel even more isolated and alone. More detailed information on the unique aspects of the pandemic’s effects on dementia caregiving is available on the Alzheimer’s Disease International website (Alzheimer’s Disease International, 2020 ).

The societal impact of the COVID-19 pandemic has been broad and very challenging. No aspect of normal societal functioning has been spared. Quarantine and social distancing are necessary measures to prevent the virus from spreading but also lead to elevated levels of loneliness and social isolation, which in turn produce physical- and mental-health related repercussions. Adopting appropriate steps to keep social and familial connections, maintain healthy activities, and manage emotions and psychiatric symptoms can help relieve the adverse consequences of loneliness and isolation. The pandemic has illuminated the pre-existing threat to well-being that older adults frequently experience with social isolation and loneliness. Perhaps we can use this moment to commit ourselves to addressing these unfortunate aspects of life for older adults in the post-pandemic period, for example, developing virtual health care, new technology, and government policy.

On the May 23, 2020, in collaboration with INTERDEM, IPA ran a webinar program addressing this very issue: “COVID-19, social distancing and its impact on social and mental health of the elderly population.”

Conflict of interest

Descriptions of authors’ roles.

T. J. Hwang wrote the manuscript, K. Rabheru, C. Peisah, W. Reichman and M. Ikeda served as scientific advisors and participated in writing or technical editing of the manuscript.

• Alzheimer’s Disease International (2020). ADI offers advice and support during COVID-19 May 1, 2020 Available at: https://www.alz.co.uk/news/adi-offers-advice-and-support-during-covid-19 ; accessed May 15, 2020.
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Feeling Lonely? Discover 18 Ways to Overcome Loneliness

Are you connected but still lonely use these strategies to overcome loneliness..

Posted February 18, 2019 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

• Understanding Loneliness
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The great irony is that as we become increasingly "connected"—on social media , video calling, and messaging—we simultaneously feel increasingly lonely. And even though we may use technology to feel more connected, it may be exactly what’s leading us to feel lonely.

After spending the last year researching and writing my new book, Outsmart Your Smartphone: Conscious Tech Habits for Finding Happiness, Balance, and Connection IRL , I've learned that most of us feel disconnected. What about you? Are you feeling socially connected? (Take this well-being quiz to see how you're feeling.) If not, try some of these 18 strategies to stop feeling lonely.

1. Practice self-kindness. In difficult moments, it's essential to practice self-kindness. Blaming ourselves when we feel lonely is not helpful. So limit your hurtful self-talk , take care of yourself , and just generally give yourself a break. Perhaps a walk in nature or a day at the spa may be helpful for getting yourself into a self-kindness mood.

2. Capitalize on the present moment. When you feel good about something, share it with others right away, and I don't mean "share" by posting on your social media. You could share by calling or texting a friend. Or share with the people you work with. Keep in mind that the positive things that you can share don’t have to be big. You could simply have woken up on the right side of the bed and think, “Hey, I’m feeling great today.” By sharing these moments, you create small moments of savoring and connection with others that can help you overcome loneliness .

3. Connect in real life. Connecting in real life may not be as easy as it once was. We often default to using our smartphones —it's easier, and now it's culturally accepted. But we can decrease our loneliness if we build stronger in-person connections. We do this by looking people in the eyes, listening, being mindful , and choosing not be distracted by our phones or other technologies.

4. Rethink how you spend your spare time. When we feel lonely, sometimes we just want to retreat into a corner and hide. Other times, our endless to-do list may leave us too exhausted to go out and be social. But opting to stay alone every night with our phones, watching Netflix, or playing on Facebook can really get us stuck in loneliness. We've created a life for ourselves that deprives of us of meaningful social connection, and the only way to get out of it is to start living differently.

If we instead use our loneliness to motivate us to reach out to people, then we can strengthen our relationships. By opting to cope with our loneliness by seeking out social support, we create more social moments with the people in our lives who matter to us, which usually reduces our loneliness.

5. Do more things with people. Engaging in face-to-face social interactions tends to improve our mood and reduce depression . Activities that involve other people—such as attending religious services or engaging in sports—are also likely to have positive effects on our mental health. So find ways to be around people more.

6. Talk to strangers. A growing body of research suggests that even seemingly trivial interactions with strangers—like chatting with a barista or cashier—may be able to keep loneliness at bay by helping us feel more socially connected. So reach out to other human beings to say hello, ask them how they are, or chat about whatever's on your mind. These small acts can make a big difference and help you reduce feelings of loneliness .

7. Be active online. Instead of passively surfing the net or your social media, if you want to go online, opt instead to do something that involves the active participation of other people. For example, you could play games with others, chat about something you care about, give advice on a forum, or have a video call with a friend. The more you interact with others while online, the more connected you are likely to feel.

8. Share for real online. Somewhere along the way, the word “sharing” got co-opted on social media to describe what is really just “humble bragging.” We post about cool things we did, nice meals we ate, or a fun party we went to—all things that we didn’t actually share with the people who are viewing our posts.

Instead of posting about things you did, reclaim the word “share” for what it really means—to give a small or large portion of what is yours to someone else. You could share advice, words of support, or even empathy, all from your smartphone. As a result, your connections are likely to be more kind and supportive.

9. Stop focusing so much on you. It's almost inevitable in our modern technology-crazed world that we start to believe we don’t have enough. Bob got a new car. Sherri got a new house. Sonja got a new job. We also see false or unrealistic images—models Photoshopped to have perfect waists and abs—and we feel envious . As a result, we become increasingly focused on how we are not measuring up.

Instead of focusing on what you can get, shift your focus to what you can give . You could sell T-shirts online to raise money for a good cause. You could ask friends to donate to a charity for your birthday. By giving to others, you take the focus off yourself and do good at the same time, helping you to feel more connected and less lonely.

10. Stop your negative thought cycles. We might repeatedly think about what we could have done differently to prevent ourselves from feeling so alone. We ruminate on the events or people or causes, because we mistakenly believe that thinking about our loneliness over and over again will help us solve it. Unfortunately, it does us no good to get caught up in our thoughts instead of taking the actions we need to feel better.

To put an end to these negative thought cycles, we need to take action—do something different that stops these thoughts and changes our experience of the world. For example, if I'm feeling lonely, I'll go to the gym or schedule lunches with friends for the next few days. And it helps.

11. Generate a sense of awe . Awe (like when we witness the birth of new baby, or a majestic mountain) makes time seem like it’s standing still and helps us be more open to connecting. Something about feeling small in the context of a big world appears to help us see ourselves as part of a whole, which may help us feel less alone. So expose yourself to something that creates awe—like landscapes, new experiences, or new foods (here's some mindful exercises to get started).

12. Spend money on experiences. If we're spending all our money on things, we won't have the cash to spend money on experiences with others. And it turns out that spending money on experiences is way better for our mental health. So get creative and think about what you want to do with others. For example, I might go on a canoeing trip, go wine tasting, plan a beach party, or host an arts & crafts night. What group activities might make you feel less lonely?

13. Pay attention to the things that matter. How do we expect to improve our loneliness when we don't know what causes it? It's hard. So it's helpful to start paying attention to the present moment. What are the experiences that make you feel lonely? And what are the experiences that make you feel connected or like you belong? Identifying these moments can help you reduce loneliness, because you can limit your engagement in activities that make you feel lonely and increase your engagement in activities that make you feel connected.

14. Create a vision board. I keep a vision board tacked up by my desk to remind me of my goals . A big chunk of my vision board is about connecting—building community, networking, spending time with family, and the like. Sometimes I have a hard time sticking to it, but having the vision board reminds me to. Once you discover the things that make you feel less lonely and more connected, it can be helpful to create a board or list or plan for what you'll do—something to keep near you so you remember what you need to do to combat loneliness.

15. Tend to your network. Sometimes we can end up feeling alone even though we are connected to lots of people. So it can be helpful to reach out to these people and schedule times to catch up. Aim to schedule at least one social hour per week—a coffee date, lunch, or happy hour. Who knows, maybe an old friendship can be reignited.

16. Join an online group of like-minded people. You can now find people online with just about any interest — for example, politics , cooking, or sports. Joining one of these mission-oriented groups can be a way to feel more connected to others, even when you don't have access to face-to-face interactions. You might get to know some new people or make lifelong friends. You can even try out a few groups to see which ones fit you best and decrease your loneliness the most.

17. Volunteer remotely or in real life. For some of us, it's hard to find people to spend time with, let alone connect with. So we have to find new people. One way to do this is by volunteering for a cause, either remotely or in your town. Just be sure you're working with others. Working on an important problem with others can help you decrease loneliness.

18. Be nice to yourself. It’s important to practice self-compassion when you fail at things. Remember, everyone fails, and there is no need to be a bully to yourself, feel guilty, or put yourself down. That kind of attitude won’t help you decrease loneliness, now or in the future. Instead, try talking to yourself in a way that is supportive, kind, and caring—and you’ll be more likely to acknowledge mistakes you may have made in trying to decrease loneliness, and hopefully do better next time.

To learn more about how to build well-being, visit berkeleywellbeing.com .

Holt-Lunstad, J., et al. (2010). "Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review." PLoS Med 7(7): e1000316.

Tchiki Davis, Ph.D. , is a consultant, writer, and expert on well-being technology.

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How Celibate Women Became a Threat

A mid a number of recent pivots, including scrapping the women-message-first system it launched with 10 years ago, dating app Bumble recently unveiled a new ad campaign that seemed to take aim at its primary demographic: women. Over the weekend of May 11, a number of TikTok users in the Los Angeles area posted the dating app’s new anti-celibacy billboards, which appear to tease women who have sworn off sex and dating. One billboard reads, “You know full well that celibacy is not the answer.” The campaign comes two weeks after a commercial announcing “the new Bumble,” which shows a woman who becomes a nun because she’s fed up with dating, only to immediately relapse once she sees a hot guy. The billboards generated considerable backlash from women on TikTok, with a creator @Fleeksie posting , “LADIES! The patriarchy is SCARED!! They’re losing us and they’re panicking!!” Julia Fox, for her part, commented on one of the posts: “2.5 years of celibacy and never been better tbh.”

The overwhelmingly negative response to the campaign pushed Bumble to issue an apology on May 13, acknowledging the many valid reasons that move someone towards celibacy: restrictions on reproductive rights, recovering from trauma or abuse, or existing as asexual. “We have heard the concerns shared about the ad’s language and understand that rather than highlighting a current sentiment towards dating, it may have had a negative impact on some of our community,” a Bumble spokesperson shared in a statement to TIME . The app has promised to remove the ads, as well as donate to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. But in attempting to make light of a social climate in which, as they worded it in their apology, “a community” (read: women) “are frustrated by modern dating,” Bumble ended up, inadvertently or not, mirroring the language many women experience when they tell men they are not interested. The sexless, “crazy cat lady” trope is a tale as old as time, but in the context of rising incel ideology—which psychologists partly attribute to women’s increased economic and social power—the sentiment still feels like a toxic, all-too-familiar neg.

Read More: Bumble Apologizes After Getting Stung for Anti-Celibacy Campaign

Desiree (all last names in this article have been kept private to preserve anonymity), for instance, is a 26-year-old woman who is no longer using dating apps because she felt people “were using physical connection to make up for the lack of emotional intimacy.” She has found that the emotional intimacy she craves—something she needs to be physical with someone—is increasingly hard to come by. “I find myself constantly setting boundaries due to the normalization of hookup culture by apps,” she told me. Too often she’d be on dates where, all of a sudden, someone would lean in for a kiss and get a bit touchy without respecting her wishes to connect on a personal level first. “For me, it’s not worth the hassle, or the risk that someone might not respect or abide by my decision.”

Even beyond the persistent pressure from individuals to participate in hookup culture, as Desiree experienced, the dating industry at large is perpetually badgering single people to redownload, buy premium subscriptions, and remain in the romantic marketplace. This begs the question: Has a celibate woman become more threatening than a sexual one?

Increasingly, women are both sexual and celibate at once, and perhaps that makes them doubly threatening: A new generation is proving that sexual empowerment doesn’t hinge on having lots of sex, or even sex at all. In 2023, I wrote about the rise of “celibate sluts,” people who consider themselves sexual but have taken big steps back from sex, usually when they realize sex isn’t serving them, and found peace. One 23-year-old woman told me she and her friends referred to themselves as sluts “to signal us being hot and in control of our bodies,” regardless of sexual activity. Furthermore, growing visibility surrounding asexuality has given many people the freedom to redefine intimacy for themselves.  

Across age groups and genders, studies suggest that people are having less sex, a phenomenon that’s been called the “ sex recession ” and largely cast in a negative light. In 2021, the General Social Survey found that over a quarter of Americans over 18 hadn’t had sex once in the past year, which is a 30-year high. Not to mention women, overall, are opting out of dating: 2020 Pew Research Data found 61% of single men were actively looking for dates, compared to 38% of women. Rather than examining the social, economic, and political conditions that may make sex and dating unappealing for individuals, particularly women, the impetus is put on the individuals to fix it. 

What I found when reporting my book, Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop , is that young people are consciously opting out of sex and dating, largely due to swiping burnout, but also due to setting higher standards for romantic partners. This can be a beautiful, empowering choice—one that I can speak to from personal experience. After a nearly two-year break from dating, which included my recent year of cancer treatment , I decided to dip my toe back in the waters and almost immediately forfeited the few shreds of peace I’d been clinging to. If I, a person recovering from cancer, didn’t respond to prospective suitors fast enough, I received weirdly snarky follow-ups like “don’t be too shy” or “lol ok.” I felt overwhelmed by how many men’s profiles declared they weren’t “looking for a pen pal,” or that they wanted to meet up right away without much back-and-forth (which is actually a tool women use to vet potential partners, for their safety.) To exist on a dating app is to be constantly inundated by the pressure to meet up, regardless of your readiness. And for women, that pressure is reinforced by existing in a world that hates them for being single .

The truth is, being single is incredibly healthy for people who want or need to be, and studies show that single women without children are often happier than their married counterparts with children. Celibacy can facilitate some of this joy. “I would rather be at home on my couch hanging out with my plants,” said Sunah, a 41-year-old woman who found that when she raised her dating standards, her sex life dried up. “People are like, ‘Why aren’t you dating?’ They feel like it’s sad. Everyone acts like their shining accomplishment is being romantically partnered.” (Her guy friends, in particular, accuse her of being “too mean” and “too quick to dismiss people.”) 

Online conversations about the “male loneliness epidemic” tend to rope in women as a potential solve, particularly on incel forums. Yes, male loneliness is a real problem: A 2021 American Perspectives survey found that the number of men who reported not having a single close friend had quintupled to 15% since 1990. For unmarried men under 30, 25% say they have no close friends at all. Consistently, studies show that men have a harder time making and keeping friendships. But women don’t owe men companionship, even if those men are lonely. While all Americans are reporting fewer close friendships than they had before the pandemic, the same American Perspectives Survey found that young women are more likely than young men to lean on their friends for support. While loneliness affects all genders, women who opt out of dating are more likely to do so by choice. If men’s loneliness is stemming from a lack of sex, many women clearly benefit from that lack.

Read More: Why Gen Z Is Ditching Dating Apps

Alex, a 30-year-old woman who feels enormous “relief” to be on a dating app hiatus, told me, “I’ve recently realized how exhausted I am from the grind of it all and wanted to take a break to rebuild myself a little bit, take a pause from setting up dates all the time, save money, and reevaluate my feelings on dating in general.” 

When it comes to the business of dating apps, the most relevant principle isn’t necessarily patriarchal, but inherently capitalist: celibate, app-less women are not lucrative, an issue that the entire industry is grappling with. The business of dating, in general, is floundering: Dating app downloads are starting to fall , and a Pew Research study found that more people are dissatisfied with the apps than ever before. 

“Most of the time when I tell people I’m not dating, they immediately view it as a negative and start saying, ‘Well, you just need to put time in on the apps,’” a 30-year-old woman who is currently celibate told me. “And of course, society reminds me that I am elderly and should have ten kids right now. Thankfully, I’m on a particularly anti-dating side of TikTok though, which helps.” 

Alex, on the other hand,  says it’s been hard “to quiet the societal voice of ‘you’re in your prime time!’” Especially when she scrolls through so much content about dating online. But she’s not anti-dating, just anti-dating-in-a-way-that-doesn’t-work-for-her.  

“I’m not opposed to seeing people if I were to meet them in the wild,” she told me. “But I plan to keep my apps deleted for a while and that in itself feels really good.”

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A Moment That You Couldn’t Tell: Riding the Gradient of the Lyric Essay

In his poem “Because You Asked About the Line Between Prose and Poetry,” Howard Nemerov writes:

Sparrows were feeding in a freezing drizzle That while you watched turned to pieces of snow Riding a gradient invisible From silver aslant to random, white, and slow. There came a moment that you couldn’t tell. And then they clearly flew instead of fell.

Nemerov’s short poem suggests a gradient where poetry could be described as snow, and prose as rain—a fair comparison, I think. In poetry, an individual word asks for more attention than a single word in prose, the way snow greets skin in discrete bursts of sensation, flake by flake. Snow, like poetry, is structured in a delicate lattice, rather than a cohesive body. Snow, like poetry, carries less momentum than rain or prose, offering, instead, a moment of stalled time and levitation. and not unlike the six stanzas of a villanelle (one of my favorite poetic forms), each of a snowflake’s six points orbit a center of gravity that travels less than its extremities. 

Rain, on the other hand, builds momentum and falls with satisfying weight, akin to the quick pace of prose. Raindrops combine and disappear into a larger body bound by a threshold of surface tension, like the words that form an essay. And although rain may not demand much attention drop by drop, it soaks you through, getting you wet beneath your clothes. 

This rain-to-snow metaphor suggests a gradient across the metric of cold, and the way dropping degrees can alter structure, motion, and reflectivity. Perhaps I should resist this, but I like the idea that a poem is colder than an essay—lonely, stark in its relief, a line dropping off and picking back up like a broken phone connection. A poem lets you sit in your loneliness, lets writer and reader share solitude over an impossible distance. An essay betrays you into thinking, for a while, that someone sits beside you. 

But I like lyric essays, poem-essay hybrids, pieces best categorized as sleet if essays are rain and poems snow. Nemerov hints at a kind of beauty in that liminal form, that moment between, “silver aslant” and “random, white and slow”; in my estimation, however, being in sleet is a miserable experience, encompassing the problems of both rain and snow (freezing and wet, heavy and sharp with crystals), and the delights of neither.

“Here, of course, we come to the point where my illustration […] breaks down.” —C. S. Lewis

Perhaps I’m taking this metaphor business too seriously. Likely, metaphors are best employed as flexible, atmospheric, irreducible, like an optical illusion you can only see when you don’t focus too hard. Treating metaphors to a stringent rule has the danger of taking out their charm, of limiting their boundless, contradictory span. After all, in the Bible, rain is both a reliever of drought and a destroyer by flood; snow, too, is a double entendre, evoking in one moment the purity of the Messiah’s garment, in another, the contamination of leprous skin.

So let me try again. When I said that I liked the idea of a gradient across temperatures as a metaphor for poetry and prose, I knew I was treading on thin ice, so to speak. A gradient or a sliding scale implies that the closer you get to essay, the farther you get from poetry, and vice versa. Not true, of course. Or at least, even if prose and poetry are on opposite ends of a spectrum, essay and poetry are not. On the contrary, essays invite poetic treatment, at times demand it, and vice versa. 

Poems, for example, tend to have essayistic motives, whether by suggesting the importance of a red wheelbarrow and thus finding the eternal in the transient, or by offering idiosyncratic, subversive life creeds. Many lyric essays have the potential for being labeled poetry or prose poems just as easily as being labeled essays. Gregory Pardlo describes the essays he writes as flexible in scope like poetry, affording “The same thrills of transgressing against the form—and I know there are people very close to me who are going to say, ‘That’s not an essay, that’s way too lyrical, and you’ve gone off the rails!’” As one of my creative writing students asked of “Unspoken Hunger” by Terry Tempest Williams, “Is this not a poem?”

I resonate with Lia Purpura’s suggestion that the term “lyric essay” is perhaps best employed as a conversation starter; it can act as a starting point or a gathering place, where writers and readers come for communion and conversation and challenge (Purpura, 338). 

Of course, I come to the lyric essay conversation with my own preferences and biases, so let me suggest my idea of what a lyric essay might involve. 

The lyric essay I want is like any other essay in that it thinks on the page and asserts a person (a living author, or at least an author who lived), and takes an interest (if a slanted and skeptical one) in truth and actuality. But the lyric essay I want also leans into the vast glossary of poetic terms like rhyme, alliteration, hyperbole, and repetition to create form, or what Seneca Review calls “density and shapeliness.” If the essay is the master chess player and poetry is the principal dancer, perhaps lyric essays are the dance of pieces on the board; call it chess or the essay, call it dance or poetry, because it is.  

For me, then, lyric essays―whether heavy like wet snow, or light like tiny drops of crystalizing rain―get cozy with the physicality of fine arts as well as the momentum and coverage of “the free mind at play” (Ozick). Lyric essays rely on the medium (its shape and sound and heft) as much as the message. A big part of the “lyric,” as I see it, comes down to sensory markers like musical language and the relationship between text and white space. Ira Sukrungruang says, “I loved how lyric essays looked on the page. […] A poem, before we even make sense of it, is a visual seduction.” Poems rely on white spice and stanzas and the measurement of a line, drawing the eye to a cliff here or a wall of text there. Poems also rely on sound, on lazy vowels or hard stop consonants, on the breathy hushes and plosive glottals embedded within words. Lyric essays bring the poetic body into the meandering walk of the essay.

I recognize, however, that it’s impossible to have an essay, or any text, without body and shape and structure. We read with our eyes, ears, or fingers; the text is necessarily physical. Just as a raindrop is as physical and structured as a snowflake, essays are as corporeal as poems. We write and speak with our body, dragging a pen, clacking keys with our hands, flexing our vocal chords or carving out space with the motion of our hands. Spoken or written words are abstractions and concepts, but they are also embodied; such is evident when our fingers are too stiff to travel across a keyboard, our vocal chords too inflamed to bear vibration.

I often lose my voice and feel fatigued, and my hands frequently hurt or prickle with irritation. In this state, the body of an essay or a poem can make the difference between whether or not I read or write at all. If an essay is written with lengthy paragraphs and little white space, my eyes struggle to focus and I may not be able to follow what I am reading on a given day. While writing, if I am in a revising mood and I want to read what I have written to my husband, I can get through a poem easily, whereas reading just a few paragraphs of an essay taxes my voice and can steer me out of a creative headspace altogether. 

Beyond issues of comfort, when I am feeling a little unwell, my senses are heightened. My brain may feel less sharp, but sound makes more sense than ever. Consonants become percussive strokes and closed vibrations, vowels become sighs and vibrato. A sentence becomes a meter, a paragraph a verse. When I don’t feel well, words, spoken and written, become more overwhelming, more exacting, and because of that I want fewer of them, or want to string them along in a rolling rhythm. Lyric essays let me give my mind a rest and, at the same time, let me tap into the chaos and movement of my overfiring neurons. 

Just as all essays and poems have some level of “body,” all essays and poems have some level of mind and thought and abstraction. But not all poems—or even all essays—have a committed interest in the narrative factuality that defines creative nonfiction, creating some tension about what counts as “true enough” for the lyric essay.

Roxane Gay suggests that lyric essays, in their presumptive “nonfiction” state, honor their contract with the reader by holding to real-life material even when stretching or hyperfocusing to fantastical heights. She explains, “The way we are being told these truths are masked in some sort of artifice [of] what words repeat themselves, the speed of the language varying, phrases meant to express the intangible in a tangible way.” By this measure, truth in the lyric essay sometimes becomes distorted by the fuzziness of hyperbole or hypotheticals, but ultimately extrapolates its dream-like form from real events or dynamics. 

If lyrical forms can push the boundaries of truth, however, they can also gain access to truths that might slip under the radar in a more straightforward form. For example, if hyperbole or hypotheticals can distort an image or story, other poetic elements like sensory focus and structural restraints can cut through situational distractions in a story, getting right into the heart of the matter.  

Gregory Pardlo says, 

“I’m always writing through sound, and if I’m writing through a received form it’s a kind of way of backing into an emotional danger zone, right? I always tell my students we have denial for a very good reason—to keep us sane, to keep us safe, so that we can move through our day with some measure of sanity. But my job when I sit down to write is to circumvent that wall.”

For Pardlo, structure and constraints eliminate the easiest expressions, taking away our most used coping mechanisms and requiring us to enter a territory without our well-used defenses.

Beyond modes of expression, for some, scruples about what counts and doesn’t count as “true” or “nonfiction” may not matter very much; after all, a poem carries little if any presumption of real world accuracy, and for some the gradient between poem and essay is more one of style than of content. For me, though, all essays—including lyric essays—gain meaning as real manifestations of a writer and actual stories. Like Scott Russell Sanders, “I take seriously the prefix ‘non-’ in nonfiction,” and I count myself in the company of those who “believe they are inscribing themselves in some fundamental way” (Lazar, “Introduction). 

As a simple example of the charms afforded by facts, aphorisms occupy a space between essays and poetry but often rely on a degree of basic truth telling. When Mary Capello writes, “Mood: cloud cover. / Mood: a room with no walls,” she pairs it with simple and accurate but artful observations, such as “You put on your coat in winter.  You pull on your coat in autumn. Each act of self-cloaking determined by the season’s mood.” If Capello had made such an observation without accurately reflecting linguistic patterns, at least for a given population, then the aphorism would lose its power as a social and artful revelation.

Mostly, I write in prose. I type sentences or paragraphs, rough hewn thoughts full of redundancies and repetitions, and not at all devoid of throat clearing (ahem). Some days, though, when my fingers ache, I try to write in short, spare verse instead, simply to avoid the pain. These are days when typing amplifies rather than relieves the soreness and aches I feel throughout my body, when everything hurts and my skin feels raw and itchy and trying to get a few paragraphs of an essay feels beyond my stamina.

These days, I rely on the traffic between poetry and essays in a physical capacity. So maybe I’m trying to pawn off a very practical tactic (i.e. writing fewer words) as a more artistically motivated one (i.e. writing for musicality of sound). Even more generally, though, I have almost always had a preference for shorter works. I have a strong aversion to reading long pieces at anything other than a leisurely pace, and even then, I willingly seek out only gentle, accessible texts. 

My point is, my literary ideal is so shaped by preferences and pain and limitations that I can’t think clearly about these genres. But then, the point is also that all of us are shaped by preferences, pains and predilections that are imposed on us by temperaments and conditions we didn’t choose. None of us live deep philosophical lives independent of our bodies. If anyone in this world is not a “pain” writer (or a nature writer or food writer), it is only because much of their personal experience is withheld (either carefully or subconsciously) from their writerly persona.

Put another way, I write what is physically and temperamentally easy for me to write, and am inclined to read the same. In that sense, lyric essays are, more than anything else, an accommodation—and for that alone, I am forever grateful to them.

Years ago, a departmental form asked me how I wanted to “contribute to the field of creative writing”—a question I like to think would make any writer queasy for its weight and expectation. The best answer I could think of was personal; reading and writing for a couple of hours (or minutes) a day gives me joy, and that joy helps me attend my family with more peace and eagerness and feel a little more sane in the world.  A sidestep of an answer, if you will, but it was all I felt comfortable writing down, and no one called me out on it. 

Mostly, my answer hasn’t changed. As valuable as essays are for influencing political persuasion and cultivating empathy in a divided world, my motivations for reading and writing tend to be much more impulsive and palliative than revolutionary. Often, I feel like Eduardo Galeano , who said, “I write only when I feel the need to write, not because my conscience dictates it. It doesn’t just come from my indignation at injustice; it is a celebration of life, which is so beautifully horrible and horribly beautiful.” I like lyric essays for their celebration of life, their wide range of communicative measures, their transformation of pleasure and pain—and by “lyric essays” I mean essays and poetry and everything in between.

Essays, and poems, are thrilling. After writing a section of this essay, I told my husband that I was so excited I might pee my pants (an admittedly unremarkable proposition for someone who wrote most of while pregnant or postpartum). There is a natural high that comes from moments of flow or hardwon revisions or sharing what I have written with another person. Or, on other days, when I am less prone to delight and more to gloom, reading and writing offers solace. As Mark Strand says, “Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.” I’m here for the pain-filtered-to-pleasure of writing, for the respite of lying on the couch with a blanket at my feet, the sound of tapping keys like rain against my window.

Works Cited

Capello, Mary. “Mood Modulations.” Life Breaks In (a mood almanac) . The University of Chicago Press, 2016, 27-45.

Lazar, David. “Introduction.” Essaying the Essay , edited by David Lazar. Welcome Table Press, 2014, 1-12.

Lewis, C.S. “Making and Begetting.” Mere Christianity.  

Purpura, Lia. “What is a Lyric Essay? Some Provisional Responses.” Essaying the Essay , edited by David Lazar. Welcome Table Press, 2014, 336-340.

Sanders, Scott Russel. “Interview with Scott Russel Sanders.” Interview by Patrick Madden. River Teeth: A Journal of Nonfiction Narrative . Vol. 9 Iss. 1, 2007, 87-98.

Alizabeth Worley lives near Utah Lake with her husband, Michael, and their two kids. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in Post Road Magazine , Guernica , Tar River Poetry , and elsewhere. You can find her writing and artwork at alizabeth.worley.com .

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