how to solve family problems and conflicts essay

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Family conflict is normal; it’s the repair that matters, here's how to navigate the inevitable tension and disconnection in family relationships..

Three months into the pandemic, I had the urge to see my 28-year-old daughter and her husband, 2,000 miles away. She had weathered an acute health crisis, followed by community protests that propelled them both onto the streets to serve food and clean up neighborhoods. They were coping, but the accumulation of challenges made the mom in me want to connect with and support them. So, together with my husband, my other daughter, and her husband, our family of six adults and two dogs formed a new pod inside my daughter’s home in the steamy heat of the Minneapolis summer.

As I packed, a wisp of doubt crept in. We six hadn’t lived together under the same roof, ever . Would I blow it? Would I “flap my lips,” as a friend calls it, and accidentally say something hurtful? Some time back, in a careless moment of exhaustion, I had insulted my brand-new son-in-law with a thoughtless remark. He was rightfully hurt, and it took a long letter and a phone call to get us back on track.

My own siblings and I were raised inside the intractable rupture that was my parents’ marriage. Their lifelong conflict sowed discord and division in everyone around them. I worked hard to create a different, positive family climate with my husband and our children. My old ghosts were haunting me, though, and I didn’t want to ruin a good thing. 

Yet research shows that it’s not realistic, or possible, or even healthy to expect that our relationships will be harmonious all the time. Everything we know from developmental science and research on families suggests that rifts will happen—and what matters more is how you respond to them. With many families spending more time together than ever now, there are ample opportunities for tension and hurt feelings. These moments also offer ample invitations to reconnect.

Disconnections are a fact of life

Researcher Ed Tronick, together with colleague Andrew Gianino, calculated how often infants and caregivers are attuned to each other. (Attunement is a back-and-forth rhythm of interaction where partners share positive emotions.) They found that it’s surprisingly little. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are in sync only 30% of the time. The other 70%, they’re mismatched, out of synch, or making repairs and coming back together. Cheeringly, even babies work toward repairs with their gazes, smiles, gestures, protests, and calls.

These mismatches and repairs are critical, Tronick explains. They’re important for growing children’s self-regulation, coping, and resilience. It is through these mismatches—in small, manageable doses—that babies, and later children, learn that the world does not track them perfectly. These small exposures to the micro-stress of unpleasant feelings, followed by the pleasant feelings that accompany repair, or coming back together, are what give them manageable practice in keeping their boat afloat when the waters are choppy. Put another way, if a caregiver met all of their child’s needs perfectly, it would actually get in the way of the child’s development. 
 “Repairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting,” says UCLA neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel , director of the Mindsight Institute and author of several books on interpersonal neurobiology.

Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired, says Tronick , and then again become miscoordinated and stressful, and again are repaired. This occurs thousands of times in a day, and millions of times over a year.

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Other research shows that children have more conflicts and repairs with friends than non-friends. Sibling conflict is legendary; and adults’ conflicts escalate when they become parents. If interpersonal conflict is unavoidable—and even necessary—then the only way we can maintain important relationships is to get better at re-synchronizing them, and especially at tending to repairs when they rupture.

“Relationships shrink to the size of the field of repair,” says Rick Hanson , psychologist and author of several books on the neuroscience of well-being. “But a bid for a repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other,” he adds. “It says you value the relationship.”

Strengthening the family fabric

In a small Canadian study , researchers examined how parents of four- to seven-year-old children strengthened, harmed, or repaired their relationships with their children. Parents said their relationships with their children were strengthened by “horizontal” or egalitarian exchanges like playing together, negotiating, taking turns, compromising, having fun, or sharing psychological intimacy—in other words, respecting and enjoying one another. Their relationships were harmed by an over-reliance on power and authority, and especially by stonewalling tactics like the “silent treatment.” When missteps happened, parents repaired and restored intimacy by expressing warmth and affection, talking about what happened, and apologizing.

This model of strengthening, harming, and repairing can help you think about your own interactions. When a family relationship is already positive, there is a foundation of trust and a belief in the other’s good intentions, which helps everyone restore more easily from minor ruptures. For this reason, it helps to proactively tend the fabric of family relationships. 
 That can begin with simply building up an investment of positive interactions:

• Spend “special time” with each child individually to create more space to deepen your one-to-one relationship. Let them control the agenda and decide how long you spend together.
• Appreciate out loud, share gratitude reflections, and notice the good in your children intermittently throughout the day or week.

You also want to watch out for ways you might harm the relationship. If you’re ever unsure about a child’s motives, check their intentions behind their behaviors and don’t assume they were ill-intentioned. Language like, “I noticed that…” or “Tell me what happened…” or “And then what happened?” can help you begin to understand an experience from the child’s point of view.

A Loving Space for Kids’ Emotions

Show love to your children by helping them process emotions

When speaking to a child, consider how they might receive what you’re saying. Remember that words and silence have weight; children are “ emotional Geiger counters ” and read your feelings much more than they process your words. If you are working through feelings or traumas that have nothing to do with them, take care to be responsible for your own feelings and take a moment to calm yourself before speaking.

In this context of connection and understanding, you can then create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed:

• Watch for tiny bids for repairs . Sometimes we have so much on our minds that we miss the look, gesture, or expression in a child that shows that what they really want is to reconnect.
• Normalize requests like “I need a repair” or “Can we have a redo?” We need to be able to let others know when the relationship has been harmed.
• Likewise, if you think you might have stepped on someone’s toes, circle back to check. Catching a misstep early can help.

When you’re annoyed by a family member’s behavior, try to frame your request for change in positive language; that is, say what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. Language like, “I have a request…” or “Would you be willing to…?” keeps the exchange more neutral and helps the recipient stay engaged rather than getting defensive.

You can also model healthy repairs with people around you, so they are normalized and children see their usefulness in real time. Children benefit when they watch adults resolve conflict constructively.


Four steps to an authentic repair

There are infinite varieties of repairs, and they can vary in a number of ways, depending on your child’s age and temperament, and how serious the rift was.

Infants need physical contact and the restoration of love and security. Older children need affection and more words. Teenagers may need more complex conversations. Individual children vary in their styles—some need more words than others, and what is hurtful to one child may not faze another child. Also, your style might not match the child’s, requiring you to stretch further.

Some glitches are little and may just need a check-in, but deeper wounds need more attention. Keep the apology in proportion to the hurt. What’s important is not your judgment of how hurt someone should be, but the actual felt experience of the child’s hurt. A one-time apology may suffice, but some repairs need to be acknowledged frequently over time to really stitch that fabric back together. It’s often helpful to check in later to see if the amends are working.

While each repair is unique, authentic repairs typically involve the same steps.

1. Acknowledge the offense. First, try to understand the hurt you caused. It doesn’t matter if it was unintentional or what your reasons were. This is the time to turn off your own defense system and focus on understanding and naming the other person’s pain or anger.

Sometimes you need to check your understanding. Begin slowly: “Did I hurt you? Help me understand how.” This can be humbling and requires that we listen with an open heart as we take in the other person’s perspective.

Try not to undermine the apology by adding on any caveats, like blaming the child for being sensitive or ill-behaved or deserving of what happened. Any attempt to gloss over, minimize, or dilute the wound is not an authentic repair. Children have a keen sense for authenticity. Faking it or overwhelming them will not work.

A spiritual teacher reminded me of an old saying, “It is acknowledging the wound that gets the thorn out.” It’s what reconnects our humanity.

Making an Effective Apology

A good apology involves more than saying "sorry"

2. Express remorse. Here, a sincere “I’m sorry” is sufficient.

Don’t add anything to it. One of the mistakes adults often make, according to therapist and author Harriet Lerner , is to tack on a discipline component: “Don’t let it happen again,” or “Next time, you’re really going to get it.” This, says Lerner, is what prevents children from learning to use apologies themselves. 
 Apologizing can be tricky for adults. It might feel beneath us, or we may fear that we’re giving away our power. We shouldn’t have to apologize to a child, because as adults we are always right, right? Of course not. But it’s easy to get stuck in a vertical power relationship to our child that makes backtracking hard.

On the other hand, some adults—especially women, says Rick Hanson —can go overboard and be too effusive, too obsequious, or even too quick in their efforts to apologize. This can make the apology more about yourself than the person who was hurt. Or it could be a symptom of a need for one’s own boundary work.   

There is no perfect formula for an apology except that it be delivered in a way that acknowledges the wound and makes amends. And there can be different paths to that. Our family sometimes uses a jokey, “You were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong,” to playfully acknowledge light transgressions. Some apologies are nonverbal: My father atoned for missing all of my childhood birthdays when he traveled 2,000 miles to surprise me at my doorstep for an adult birthday. Words are not his strong suit, but his planning, effort, and showing up was the repair. Apologies can take on all kinds of tones and qualities.

3. Consider offering a brief explanation. If you sense that the other person is open to listening, you can provide a brief explanation of your point of view, but use caution, as this can be a slippery slope. Feel into how much is enough. The focus of the apology is on the wounded person’s experience. If an explanation helps, fine, but it shouldn’t derail the intent. This is not the time to add in your own grievances—that’s a conversation for a different time.

4. Express your sincere intention to fix the situation and to prevent it from happening again. With a child, especially, try to be concrete and actionable about how the same mistake can be prevented in the future. “I’m going to try really hard to…” and “Let’s check back in to see how it’s feeling…” can be a start.

Remember to forgive yourself, too. This is a tender process, we are all works in progress, and adults are still developing. I know I am.

Prior to our visit, my daughter and I had a phone conversation. We shared our excitement about the rare chance to spend so much time together. Then we gingerly expressed our concerns.

 “I’m afraid we’ll get on each other’s nerves,” I said.

“I’m afraid I’ll be cooking and cleaning the whole time,” she replied.

So we strategized about preventing these foibles. She made a spreadsheet of chores where everyone signed up for a turn cooking and cleaning, and we discussed the space needs that people would have for working and making phone calls.

Then I drew a breath and took a page from the science. “I think we have to expect that conflicts are going to happen,” I said. “It’s how we work through them that will matter. The love is in the repair.”

This article is excerpted from a longer article on Diana Divecha’s blog, developmentalscience.com.

About the Author

Diana Divecha

Diana Divecha, Ph.D. , is a developmental psychologist, an assistant clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and on the advisory board of the Greater Good Science Center. Her blog is developmentalscience.com .

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Table of Contents

Being part of a family can be pretty beneficial as it brings you love, security, and support. Family members who understand and appreciate you can help you overcome many challenges that life throws at you. But sometimes, there can also be conflict .

It’s common for family members to have disagreements. While conflicts are rather natural, healthy, and unavoidable, when they remain unresolved or escalate, they can become a significant cause of stress and problems in relationships.

Family conflicts can be particularly distressing because they are so deeply personal. You may feel tied to your family and unable to distance yourself or let go. Besides, when certain problems arise over and over again for many years, it can be easy to get stuck in familiar patterns of interaction.

If conflicts have become a problem in your family and you’re struggling to find ways to resolve them, this article will give you some tips that might help.

We also asked Tiffany Lovins , a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Calmerry , to share some insights into this subject. But before we tell you how to deal with family conflicts, let’s first take a quick look at some of the most common causes.

Causes of family conflict

“ Belonging to any part of a group or system naturally creates an environment that is rich with individual differences in wants, needs, beliefs, and values, ” explains Tiffany and goes on, “ Our own family system is no different in this regard and is often even more complicated due to the closeness of these relationships and the interdependence that exists in a family unit. ”

Tiffany also notes that the underlying causes of conflict may not be obvious: “ There are several primary causes of family conflict that are most often experienced, though they all hold an underlying theme regardless of the topic at hand. The top causes for conflict are often finances, child-rearing, and discipline, involvement of in-laws, sibling rivalry, or push for autonomy within the family unit.”

“Regardless of the cause, all contain an underlying theme of incongruency in expectations and communication that ultimately lead to conflict in these areas. ”

Lack of communication

One of the most common factors that trigger conflict in a family is a lack of open communication . Without effective communication, it becomes difficult for family members to make sure that their needs are met, and their boundaries are respected.

The lack of communication may also make a person feel like their needs and desires are not worth sharing. As a result, family members may get stuck in a vicious circle where previous communication problems create new ones .

Family duties

Family conflicts also often stem from responsibilities. Misunderstandings may arise from the way family members divide household chores and other responsibilities.

For instance, there might be arguments regarding who is supposed to take care of children or elderly family members . Although these are often small conflicts, they may last for a long time if left unresolved.

Disagreements related to financial issues can have a severely destructive impact on all kinds of relationships, including those between romantic partners and family members. Spouses and siblings often argue over money management. And the situation may get even more difficult if there are any inheritance issues in the family.

Differences in values

This is a very common cause of conflict between romantic partners and between parents and their children. People may hold different opinions regarding politics, morals, culture, etc. There is often a greater risk of this as children shift into developmental stages, where strengthening their independence and identity take center stage.

As a result, partners or family members may lose the sense of unity, and the whole family dynamics may shift in a negative direction.

Blended families

When two families start to live together, they enter a risky area because the more people are involved, the more likely things may go wrong.

Given that even people who’ve shared the same roof for years may have serious conflicts, it’s no surprise that the situation might get more complicated when introducing new people – each with their unique needs, views, and habits.

This can be further complicated if the children have multiple households where different expectations and rules are held.

Goals and expectations are out of sync

“ There are often unspoken rules, norms, and beliefs about everyone’s role in the family and resulting expectations attached to each role ,” explains Tiffany Lovins , “ When these expectations and needs of the individual are not openly communicated and aligned, it can result in each member reacting on assumptions and emotions, thus creating a breeding ground for conflict. ”

The counselor adds, “ Once this is put into motion, each individual tends to resort to their default communication style, which further alienates each person from the other. Some may become passive and shut down. Others may attack or respond aggressively. ”

Tiffany notes that this way, the mutual goals of the family can be lost in the process. And this increases the vulnerability of each to blame and attack rather than partnering together to address concerns.

“ Identifying and stating openly that the mutual goal is always to create a space of health and happiness for each individual and the family can be a great starting point for difficult conversations, ” comments Tiffany.

How to resolve family conflicts

No matter what caused a particular argument, it’s important to know how to prevent further escalation and minimize the probability of such conflicts happening in the future.

Here are the 10 essential tips for navigating family conflicts and improving your communication skills.

1. Accept what you can and cannot control

No matter how much you may want to, you cannot control the behavior of others. But you can control how you respond . Think of the conflicts you’ve had in the past, how you reacted, and what the outcomes were.

If the results didn’t match your expectations, reflect on your approach and if it accurately reflected your intended need or request in a way that maintains your self-respect and the respect of the relationship. If not, try responding differently next time, and hopefully, it will have a more positive effect.

Changing the way you respond makes you less predictable, making it harder for others to trigger or manipulate you into conflict. Suppose you have engaged in communicating as effectively as you can, and it is still not well received. In that case,  this may indicate a need to redefine the boundaries and expectations in this relationship .

2. Let any anger subside

It’s better to let things calm down before trying to resolve a conflict so that you can have a rational and constructive conversation. When emotions are high, the functional part of our brains goes offline, and it truly makes it hard to have a reasonable discussion with effective solutions . Try talking in a calm tone and put any emotions aside.

If you try to resolve a conflict while people are angry and lashing out, such attempts may fail or even worsen the situation further. Remember, the goal here is not to win an argument but to find a healthy and mutually beneficial resolution.

3. Try to understand other family members’ perspectives

It’s important to give other family members a chance to express their views without being interrupted. And you should also request an opportunity to do the same

Listen actively: try to understand things from other peoples’ perspectives and then identify what you could do differently to help resolve the conflict. Listening to others and having empathy is a way to be fair and gain valuable insights. It’s not about submitting or caving to the demands of others.

4. Understand how it affects the whole family

It’s easy to get caught up in a conflict without realizing how much it’s affecting those around you. For example, when parents argue, children can often pick up on their stress and mood changes, even if they try to hide them.

However, when the family members involved in a conflict understand how it’s hurting the rest of the family, they’re more likely to be open to finding a resolution.

5. Use “I” instead of “you”

When you’re attempting to resolve a conflict, “you”-statements may sound like accusations, triggering a defensive response and making it harder to connect.

Use “I”-statements and talk about how you feel instead. You’ll be less likely to trigger other people’s defenses while highlighting your personal perspective, your emotions, and the critical issues you need to work through.

6. Recognize that some issues aren’t worth fighting over

Not every issue is worth fighting over. For example, if your partner or kids did something trivial that bothered you, such as not putting the bins out, consider whether such an issue would be worth getting into an argument about.

Remember, accidents can happen, people can forget, everyone makes mistakes, and not everything is done to hurt you intentionally.

However, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate toxic or abusive behavior . And you have the right to be concerned and speak up if you often moderate yourself because of the fear of other family members.

7. Try reaching out rather than withdrawing

If you see other family members as a threat, you may withdraw as a way to protect yourself. However, isolating yourself can prolong the issues between you and make it harder to resolve the conflict.

So, when you feel like withdrawing, try being the bigger person and reaching out instead. Taking a risk and making the first move often pays off, giving you and other family members a chance to resolve things and reconnect.

8. Work as a team

A healthy family is a solid unit, but families consist of multiple people . Even couples without children may run into conflicts of interest. And the situation may not get any easier if people have children or live with other relatives.

To ensure mutual understanding and support, it’s important to agree on common goals and everyone’s individual contribution.

“ Making an effort to have intentional conversations about expectations of each other and each person’s role in meeting these goals is critical, especially as each individual evolves (and so do their needs and capabilities), ” explains Tiffany Lovins.

9. Seek professional help and support if needed

For many people, family is a major part of their lives, and they consider it worth investing in to get it right. Seeking impartial guidance and the help of an expert can help you and your family work through any challenges effectively.

Whether it’s relationship therapy to help build a healthy romantic relationship or online counseling to improve your anger management skills, there’s professional support available for all types of issues.

Those stuck in toxic relationships can also benefit from emotional abuse help .

10. Minimize or end contact completely if nothing helps

While it often pays off to reach out rather than withdraw, some conflicts are simply unresolvable, and you’re better off minimizing or ending contact entirely.

This applies particularly to situations where abuse has occurred, and you expect it could continue in the future. Ending contact is usually the last option, but it’s worth considering if your or your loved one’s health and well-being are at risk.

If you’re a victim of abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline . If you’re in immediate danger, please call 911.

While family conflicts can cause considerable distress and anxiety , finding a healthy resolution is often possible. Remember to let things cool off first and try to consider other family members’ perspectives. Improving your conflict resolution skills is a worthwhile endeavor that could help you in many areas of your life.

If you need additional support, seeking the help of a professional is always a wise choice. Here at Calmerry , our online therapists are ready to work with you individually to resolve any emotional problems you have and improve your mental well-being.

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Family Conflict Resolution Tips and Strategies

Sometimes, family issues can be the most complex

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.

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• Defining What You Can Control and What You Can't

The Role of Patterns

Simple changes for better results, what you can do now.

When families get together, we hope for fun times characterized by love and bonding, but we often find that family conflicts occur during these times as well. In fact, in most families, there are longstanding patterns of interaction and roles that people traditionally play within these interactions. When adult children get together with family, they often find themselves slipping back into these patterns, something laughingly referred to as "revertigo."

These interactions can be positive, but when they’re negative, they can bring high amounts of stress to a family gathering. That's where family conflict resolution comes in.

Defining What You Can Control and What You Can't

How often have you had an experience where you knew you were going to see your family and could predict in advance what annoying or frustrating interactions you might have with certain family members, and things went exactly as you’d hoped they wouldn’t? Have you ever wished you had a remote control for humans, complete with pause, rewind and mute buttons?

While you can’t control the actions of others, you can control your response to their actions, which can alter the whole dynamic and create more positive interactions.

In fact, Dr. Kathleen Kelley Reardon, USC Marshall School professor and author of Comebacks at Work: Using Conversation to Master Confrontation, estimates that 75% of how people treat us is under our control because of this. She advocates taking a different approach if you want to experience new, more positive results with these types of conflicts in the future.

“Communication is like chess where every move one person makes influences the choices of the other,” says Reardon.

A good rule of thumb is to not say what you would normally say in response to any provocation.

"If you let someone go on and on and that leads to anger, link something you have to say to his or her topic and then change to another one," she says.

If you think you’re being blamed for something, instead of getting your back up, try saying, “There’s some truth to that” or “I hadn’t thought of it that way but I see your point.” In other words, tweak what you normally do. Then you won’t just slip into conflict. Above all, don’t be predictable. When we’re predictable, those who want to argue can maneuver us into doing just that.”

This solution is based on the observation that many of our conflicts with people we know well are based on repeated patterns that we unwittingly perpetuate.

We may try to be proactive about responding in a way that will resolve the conflict each time (though let's face it, many of us are more focused on “winning” the argument rather than on dissolving or resolving the conflict, and there’s often a difference). This response could actually serve to keep things going the way they have in the past, which may not be what we want.

“All families and most friends bring with them emotional baggage from the past,” explains Reardon. “In Comebacks at Work we describe how this leads to URPS (unwanted repetitive episodes) in conversation. Most of us slip into these dysfunctional and stressful patterns without even noticing because we’ve been in them so many times before.

Some of the common URPS involve sibling rivalry issues, patterns with parents that have never gone away, political issues even in families where everyone identifies with the same political party, and who is more right about topics that aren’t really important.

According to Reardon, the key to getting out of these URPS situations is to recognize “choice points” in a conversation, or points in the discourse where you can alter the tone and direction that the exchange takes, by altering your own responses. She gives the following scenario as an example:

Alan: That’s a stupid idea. Eleanor: What makes you a genius? Alan: I’m not a genius but I know when something is ridiculous. Eleanor: You’re ridiculous.

“After Alan said, “That’s a stupid idea,” Eleanor was at a choice point, explains Reardon. “She reacted in the way many people would. But, she could have altered this conversation.” Here’s how that might look:

Alan: “That’s a stupid idea.” Eleanor: “At first, I thought so too. But hear me out.”

Or Eleanor might have said: “New ideas tend to sound stupid, but you’ll see in a minute why this one isn’t.”

“Instead of reacting to Alan with an attack, she chose to bypass that option,” Reardon points out. “Instead, she allowed that he may have a point but he’ll think differently when she finishes speaking.

“This is responding rather than reacting,” she says. “It gives the other person a chance to rethink whether he or she wants to argue. It’s a gift of sorts to be accepted or not – the other person’s choice point. Most people respond to such generosity in conversation with returned generosity.”

If you're anticipating conflict the next time you get together with certain people, you may want to think about things ahead of time and identify patterns you've experienced before, think about potential choice points, and consider alternative responses you may choose.

Try to come up with a few tactics for each scenario, and think about what would feel right for you.

Rather than getting caught up in the usual conflict and hurt feelings, try to imagine what tone you'd like the conversation to take, and see if you can lead the interaction in that direction with your own responses at pivotal choice points.

You may be surprised at how quickly things can change.

Learning better conflict resolution skills , knowing what to avoid in a conflict, and how to cool off when upset can also help immensely. And when all else fails, extra-strong listening skills have helped de-escalate many a conflict.

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Family Conflict Resolution: 6 Worksheets & Scenarios (+ PDF)

It is perhaps unrealistic to expect that relationships remain harmonious all the time; occasional disconnections and disagreements are a fact of life that can help a family grow and move forward, accommodating change (Divecha, 2020).

Repeating patterns of conflict, however, can be damaging for family members, especially children, negatively affecting mental and physical wellbeing (Sori, Hecker, & Bachenberg, 2016).

This article explores how to resolve conflict in family relationships and introduces strategies and activities that can help.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free . These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

This Article Contains:

How to resolve conflict in family relationships, 2 examples of conflict scenarios, 3 strategies for family counseling sessions, 6 activities and worksheets to try, a note on conflict resolution for kids, 3 best games and activities for kids, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

“Families typically develop certain basic structural characteristics and interactive patterns that they utilize to respond to internal and external stressors.”

Goldenberg, 2017, p. 4

Built on shared assumptions and narratives that exist within the family structure, family members support the group as it adapts and copes with shifting environments and life events.

Such structures, at times, may support and even promote conflict that occurs within families. Indeed, rifts, clashes, and disagreements within the family can take many forms, including physical, verbal, financial, psychological, and sexual (Marta & Alfieri, 2014).

Therapy has the potential to help a family understand how it organizes itself and maintains cohesion, while improving how it communicates and overcomes problems that lead to conflict (Goldenberg, 2017).

As psychologist Rick Hanson writes, “a bid for repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other” (cited in Divecha, 2020).

Crucially, families can learn to navigate the inevitable tension and disconnection that arise from falling out of sync with one another (Divecha, 2020).

Repairing ruptures resulting from miscommunication, mismatches, and failing to attune to one another is vital for parenting and maintaining family union. But how?

While there are many ways to recover from and resolve conflict, the following four steps are invaluable for authentic repair (modified from Divecha, 2020):

• Acknowledge the offense Try to identify and understand the hurt you’ve caused. Whether intended and with apparent good reason or not, this is a valuable opportunity to dial down your defenses and focus on how the other person is feeling.

Acknowledging the hurt without adding caveats is a powerful way to show humanity.

It can help to check your understanding, “Did I upset you? Help me understand how.” Your approach must be open and authentic; unless heartfelt, it risks escalating emotions.

• Express remorse Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m sorry,” is enough, or at least an excellent place to start.

Take care though. Adding a comment, such as, “Well, you shouldn’t have done X,” weakens your expression of remorse, especially when dealing with children. They are learning from what you do – right and wrong.

Also, don’t go overboard. Being too quick to say sorry or going over the top with an apology can make it more about yourself than the person hurt.

• Offer a simple explanation If the other person is ready to listen (neither too upset nor too angry), a brief explanation can clarify the thinking behind your actions.

Remember to focus on the other person’s experience rather than a litany of excuses for poor behavior. And avoid using this as an opportunity to add grievances or assign blame for issues that have arisen recently.

• Learn and practice expressing your intentions to fix the situation and stop it from happening again. Be sincere. Say that you are sorry and mean it.

There is little point in apologizing and recovering from conflict if you intend to repeat the behavior.

Conflict is often avoidable. But if it isn’t, then it is possible to recover and maintain family relationships through authentic activities that repair damage (Divecha, 2020).

Family therapy can help resolve conflicts within the family unit through multiple routes, including:

• Exploring various relationships that make up the family.
• Bringing couples and families together to resolve interpersonal conflicts rather than treating them separately.
• Focusing on interventions with entire families rather than individuals.
• Establishing the role of dysfunctional families in individual mental health problems.

Family conflict can appear in all shapes and sizes. While minor disagreements between siblings may be resolved quickly, major rifts can form between child and parent, damaging previously strong bonds.

All relationships within a family can at one time or another descend into conflict. Two such examples include (modified from Goldenberg, 2017):

• Conflict over money Bob and Tess are married with two children. In therapy, Tess claims that Bob is mean with his money: checking grocery bills and yelling at the cost of their children’s birthday presents. Along with other relationship issues, conflict had led them to sleep in separate rooms.

Bob argues he works hard for his money and gives her a generous amount each month, but Tess spends beyond their means.

During therapy, it became clear that Bob comes from a working-class family and was taught from an early age to live frugally. His long-standing beliefs underpin (but do not excuse) his outbursts.

In time, therapy helps them become more supportive of one another, giving up their underlying power struggles and successfully moving away from stereotypical gender roles.

• Cultural and intergenerational conflict Despite Indira and Sanjay Singh moving to the United States while they were still at preschool age, they have retained the cultural and moral values of their place of birth: India. When their two children were born, they were also taught to be compliant and respect their parents, while friends from school were discouraged.

As the children grew older, it became clear that the conflict between the old and new culture was causing a rift, dividing children and parents. Despite reluctance from the parents, in time, all four attended family therapy and began to deal with cultural differences and expectations arising from multiculturalism.

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Conflict in family situations can be “chronic and unresolved,” cycling through “periods of emotional distance and closeness with intense negative feelings” (Metcalf, 2011, p. 45).

In family therapy, the many theories offer different lenses through which to view the world and, most importantly, help families manage and resolve conflict (Metcalf, 2011).

The following strategies can help protect the family from or cope with conflict in its many forms.

Build an environment of connection and understanding

Divecha (2020) suggests that by building an environment of connection and understanding, you can “create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed.”

Encourage clients to make small but vital changes to the family setting (modified from Divecha, 2020):

• Watch out for the easily missed signs that indicate a child, young adult, or partner wishes to find a way to reconnect and recover from conflict.
• Normalize requests, such as, “I need a repair” and “Can we have a redo?” that tell us a family member is ready to fix a damaged relationship.
• Maintain awareness. If we think we may have caused upset or harm, circle back and check in with the other person.

Building a better environment through frequent repairs can catch problems early and reduce the likelihood of escalation.

Use “I” statements

How we say something can have a significant impact on what others hear. Encourage family members to express how they feel without blaming others, such as (modified from Goldenberg, 2017):

“I am hurt by what you said last night” rather than accusations, such as, “You were out of order last night.”

Speak directly to the therapist

There may be times during a therapy session when tension between family members heightens and the emotional intensity needs to be de-escalated (Goldenberg, 2017).

A helpful communication technique is to ask the family member talking to address the therapist directly. This refocus encourages the speaker to express themselves more calmly and allows the other person time and space to listen and respond under less pressure.

The following activities focus on exploring family structures, beliefs, and problem-solving behavior to avoid or resolve conflict within the group.

Recognizing Family Narratives

Family narratives provide support for coping with upsetting events and recovering from conflict (Goldenberg, 2017).

Use the Recognizing Family Narratives worksheet to identify narratives that explain and justify the structure and interactive patterns that exist within the family.

The constructs we form can enable or inhibit how we cope with conflict and other life events within the family (Goldenberg, 2017).

Parenting With Purpose

Parenting can be difficult; it is easy to lose sight of what is important. Defining meaning and purpose for ourselves as parents and our children can offer a valuable compass for day-to-day decision-making (Hart, 2006).

The Parenting With Purpose worksheet is a helpful reminder of your values and purpose as a parent.

The answers to the questions can help you understand what kind of relationship you would like with your children and why.

What Is Working Within the Family?

While it is essential to identify and fix what is causing conflict within a family, it is equally valuable to recognize what is working.

Once we recognize where we are successful in a relationship, it can remind us that not everything is terrible. We are doing some things right, and we have something upon which we can build.

The What Is Working worksheet helps identify and share the positives in the relationships within the family.

Recognize that conflict doesn’t occur in the family all the time and encourage the activities that unite you as a group.

Meeting Our Family’s Needs

Sura Hart (2006, p. 175), former teacher and education project director for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, says that “you can find conflict in every human story, and in the conflict situation you can find the needs people are wanting to meet.”

Use the Meeting Our Family’s Needs worksheet to help each family member have their needs heard, understood, and, ultimately, accepted.

Consider Your Intentions

Words have the power to share love and anger. Without clear and conscious intention, it is possible to communicate unhelpful and even harmful messages (Hart, 2006).

Use the Consider Your Intentions worksheet to identify and understand your intentions and help you respect and care for other family members’ needs.

Perform an early check on your intentions before you engage with the other family member, especially if it has the potential to turn into conflict.

Using the answers, consider how you can show positive intentions and steer clear of harmful intentions, such as proving yourself right.

Seeing Family Conflict as a Problem to Solve

Conflict isn’t always to be avoided; clashes can be productive, stimulating learning, fostering understanding, and moving a relationship forward (Hart, 2006).

However, some conflict is unnecessary and avoidable, especially regarding daily tasks, such as tidying the house, going to bed, and completing chores.

Use the Seeing Family Conflict as a Problem to Solve worksheet to help recognize everyday actions as problems to overcome rather than points of contention.

14 Effective conflict resolution techniques – BRAINY DOSE

“Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired” says family researcher Ed Tronick (cited in Divecha, 2020).

Children can learn from the family environment that conflict need not be out of proportion to the situation and may, ultimately, lead to positive change.

It helps when family relationships are overwhelmingly positive. Make sure to make “special time” available for each child, where they have control over what you do and for how long, writes Divecha (2020). Learn to show gratitude and appreciation for what the child does more readily without it becoming predictable and unthinking.

Board games such as Monopoly, Checkers, and Life can be played as a pair or a family. The children see that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from their parents’ reaction to losing.

More physical, active games such as Tag or Hide and Seek allow the whole family to have fun, while, importantly, seeing each other having fun. Children need to experience their parents as humans with a wish to enjoy themselves. Parents benefit from experiencing their family laughing – a reminder that life is not all about duty and rules.

Quieter pastimes, including art and craft, can be a time to build and use mindfulness practices, considering colors, textures, and smells. Interactive activities such as making funny characters out of play dough or houses out of Lego is fun and beyond rules or feelings of failure.

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Family conflict can often be avoided. The following resources help individuals gain a greater understanding of other family members’ needs and feelings.

• Mind the Gap Identify and share the values you would like to exist within your family, such as love, trust, compassion, and teamwork.
• Conflict at School Conflict outside the home can have an impact inside. Help your children to reflect on the relationships they have at school.

Additional reading and resources include:

• Conflict Resolution in Relationships and Couples: 5 Strategies For more ideas on how to resolve conflict in other types of relationships, read our conflict resolution in relationships article.
• 14 Conflict Resolution Strategies & Techniques for the Workplace This article about conflict resolution in the workplace is a helpful additional read, especially where the lines between family and work is blurred – working in the family business, working from home – these all can cause conflict so be sure to have a look at this article too.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, check out this collection of 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners. Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships.

It is vital that families learn to survive – and even grow – under adverse conditions. The family unit faces daily challenges from outside and conflict from within that can upset the internal stability that rests upon existing narratives, shared beliefs, and sometimes mistaken assumptions (Goldenberg, 2017).

It can become less about preventing all conflict, which is impossible, and more about creating a family environment that reduces unnecessary friction, repairs rifts and misunderstandings, grows, and moves forward.

Our communication – what we say and how we say it – remains crucial and can improve over time with practice and an improved awareness of one another’s needs. Family members can also learn skills and techniques to improve self-regulation, resilience, and coping that strengthen internal structures.

This article introduces tools and worksheets that help remove avoidable conflict and manage and resolve it within the family unit, where disagreement is inevitable. Try them out with your clients or within your own family to improve engagement, strengthen relationships, and build a more supportive and resilient family structure.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free .

• American Psychological Association. (2011). Family interventions. Retrieved October 6, 2021, from https://www.apa.org/pi/about/publications/caregivers/practice-settings/intervention/family
• Divecha, D. (2020, October 27). Family conflict is normal; it’s the repair that matter s. Greater Good. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/family_conflict_is_normal_its_the_repair_that_matters
• Goldenberg, I. (2017). Family therapy: An overview . Cengage Learning.
• Hart, S. (2006). Respectful parents, respectful kids: 7 Keys to turn family conflict into co-operation . PuddleDancer Press.
• Marta, E., & Alfieri, S. (2014). Family conflicts. In A. C. Michalos (Ed.), Encyclopedia of quality of life and well-being research . Springer.
• Metcalf, L. (2011). Marriage and family therapy: A practice-oriented approach . Springer.
• Sori, C. F., Hecker, L., & Bachenberg, M. E. (2016). The therapist’s notebook for children and adolescents: Homework, handouts, and activities for use in psychotherapy . Routledge/Taylor & Francis.

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We have had major conflicts in the family with me, my husband, who is the stepdad, and my grown kids. One speaks to us but lives on the northern East Coast. Haven’t seen him in 5 years. The other grown child is my daughter. She has had no contact with us of any kind for 5 years. I look forward to learning how to defuse conflicts and then grow healthy relationships, with my kids especially.

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All families deal with relationship difficulties, small or large, at various times throughout the family experience. Family problems come in all shapes and sizes, impacting family dynamics and shaping family relationships. The ways that family members cope with and solve issues provide a framework for family dynamics and set the tone for family life. 

How to Solve Family Problems

• Create an Environment of Sharing
• Acknowledge the Problem
• Get to the Deeper Issue
• Focus on the Relationship – Let Go of Anger and Pride
• Get Professional Help

Remember to Take Care of Yourself

Creating a family culture of openness and security, and taking the steps to resolve family issues, can improve relationships and maintain positive family dynamics. 

Common Family Problems

Families face a variety of problems, both large and small. Family conflict and relationship problems can include arguments, miscommunication, and misunderstanding. They also can involve deeper issues such as substance abuse, financial instability, mental illness, grief, health problems, and divorce. Sometimes, these issues exist between only two family members, and other times they spread throughout the entire family, creating extended family issues . Some issues, like grief after the loss of a loved one, appear plainly on the surface, while others can be more subtle. Perhaps your child refuses to communicate with you, or your wife doesn’t seem to be a happily married woman .

Family issues often have underlying causes which are not always apparent.. And yet the impact of these root causes can spread throughout the family, creates conflict or emotional strain in several family relationships. Such conflict is especially impactful on a child’s life, creating emotional difficulties that are often carried from their childhood and adolescence into their adult lives and future family relationships.

Create an Environment of Sharing 

Families are built on relationships, and relationships are strengthened through healthy communication. An environment of sharing creates the foundation for healthy communication. Family members need to feel safe to share their feelings and discuss their issues and emotions. As a family oriented parent , that means allowing your child to share their point of view without fear of judgment or punishment. Sometimes, a child just needs to feel certain that what they say will be taken seriously. A child who feels safe can talk about difficult or emotional subjects, such as mental health, self-identity, anxiety, or substance abuse. Children who feel safe and respected are much more likely to open up to a parent when struggling with a situation or trying to make a difficult decision. This is also true for other family relationships—not just between parent and child, but between siblings and within the marriage.

Ways to achieve an environment of sharing include:

• Listen. Really listen to the other person before providing advice or counsel. Sometimes, it is better to first ask if advice is welcome. If the answer is no, let it go and follow up later.
• Be willing to share your own feelings. Sometimes things seem obvious to us, but they may not be obvious to your child, spouse, or sibling. Sharing your own feelings without placing blame can bring up new points of view.
• Speak for yourself and avoid blame. When sharing your perspective, present it as just that - your perspective and not the facts. 
• Recognize others’ experiences as valid. Telling others how they feel or should feel creates barriers and discourages sharing.
• Be human. Admitting you are wrong, or that you made a mistake, can help others feel more comfortable to admit their own mistakes.
• Model the behavior you want to see. We are all influenced by the people who surround us. Modeling healthy ways to express thoughts and emotions encourages others to do the same.
• Do things together. Families that spend time together engaged in positive activities achieve a sense of closeness that encourages open communication and sharing. Explore shared interests, sports, or service ideas for families . Activities that involve serving others and getting outside are especially fulfilling and often instigate future conversations and closer relationships.

Sharing openly among family members sets the stage for solving family problems and preventing future issues from arising.

Acknowledge the Family Problem 

Sometimes family problems stem from  something simple like a lack of closeness. Other times the problems involve something much more serious, like abuse. Acknowledging that a problem exists is the first step in doing something to fix the situation. Ignoring issues and pretending everything is fine are common unhealthy coping mechanisms for family members experiencing relationship conflict or emotionally difficult situations. 

Lack of acknowledgment can exacerbate issues, fuel negative situations, and culminate in negative or damaging behavior, such as lashing out in anger, aggressive argument, substance abuse, or family violence. Acknowledging a problem as early as possible allows positive action to be taken toward fixing the situation, and may prevent unhealthy coping mechanisms that lead to negative situations.

Sometimes we avoid discussing problems because our past efforts to do so only seemed to make things worse. As a result, we believe that avoiding is better than continuing to fight. In truth, avoiding instead of fighting just leads to other side effects in families. Feeling stuck is often a sign that involving a third party is needed, such as a good marriage and family therapist.

Get to the Deeper Family Issue

After acknowledging that a problem exists, steps can be taken to identify the source of the problem and improve the situation. Most family problems are merely symptoms on the surface of a deeper-rooted cause. Knowing the cause paves the way for greater empathy among family members and illuminates situations that require change. Here are some examples of family problems and their deeper issues:

Conflict between siblings – The majority of families will experience some sibling conflict between children at various times. But if that conflict extends beyond the occasional bickering to consistent emotional arguing or angry or hurtful behavior, then a deeper issue is likely the cause. That deeper issue could involve jealousy or feelings of inadequacy, where one child feels overshadowed by the other. One child could be putting pressure on the other to keep a secret from their parents (such as breaking a rule or lying). The cause could also be external, affecting one child who in turn uses their sibling as a dump truck for unloading their stress, frustration, or anger. 

Alcohol abuse or other substance abuse – Family members who abuse alcohol or other substances are often using the activity as an escape mechanism. They could be escaping from a difficult emotional situation, such as grief over the loss of a loved one, financial instability, marriage conflict, or divorce. Or, they could be escaping from physical pain from illness or other health problems. Professional help from a therapist or support group can help to break down the deeper issues that lead people to substance abuse and start them on the road to recovery.

Stress and anxiety in children – These are common effects of a variety of deeper issues. Often, anxiety is triggered by an event or a difficult situation. The stress that stems from it leads to further anxiety, creating a cyclical pattern. The root of the anxiety could be a social issue at school or concern for a friend. It could relate to feeling overwhelmed in school or struggling with an undiagnosed learning disorder. Children often perceive more than they let on and could be reacting to a passing comment from a parent, such as “Our budget is tight this month.” Talking with your child and maintaining trust through open communication encourages children to reveal the source of their anxiety.

Sometimes, identifying the deeper issue and bringing it out in the open is all it takes to resolve a problem. Other times, merely identifying the root cause is just the beginning of the long road to resolution. This important and necessary step will help to develop a plan for resolving issues and encourage understanding within family relationships.

Focus on the Family Relationship – Let Go of Anger and Pride 

Anger and pride are the enemies of healthy family relationships. They feed negative emotions, hamper empathy and understanding, and thwart positive and open communication. Holding on to these feelings blocks the path to conflict resolution. Anger and pride are divisive to family relationships and damaging to individual mental health. They are fuel for the cyclical patterns of stress, anxiety, and depression. Despite knowing this, however, letting go of such emotions can be difficult – and sometimes painful. The fear of pain, vulnerability, or failure are often what keeps a person from improving their family relationships and focusing on the importance of family .

One of the best ways to move beyond that fear is to focus on the relationship. Prioritize the goal—a healthier, happier relationship—over the fear of being hurt or the fear of failure. When family problems exist, a person has usually been hurt already, which makes the fear of being hurt again even greater. But while that risk of further hurt is real, the potential for healing and resolution is also real. Focusing on that potential, and letting go of those negative emotions, opens the door to healthier communication, relationship healing, and better mental health.

Get Professional Family Help

Getting professional help is one of the best ways to handle family problems. Some situations, such as those involving abuse, dangerous behavior, or domestic violence, require immediate professional help and formal family assessment . In other situations, such as ongoing disagreements over a certain topic or lack of closeness within a marriage, brief therapy help can provide the catalyst you need to get unstuck and achieve the fulfilling relationship that you each desire.

Many people hold back from seeking professional help because of fears or misunderstandings. Here are some facts about therapy that help to debunk some of these common myths and misconceptions:

Therapy is for everyone - A common misconception about therapy is that it is reserved for people with mental illness, individuals with an emotional disorder, or people who are too weak to handle their own problems. This could not be further from the truth. As humans, we need other humans to work through issues with us. Therapy provides a safe, confidential environment to do just that. 

Professional help is available for all types of issues, whether large or small, and in a variety of formats. Family therapy, marriage counseling, support groups, and individual sessions with a therapist are just a few examples. There is also a variety of specialties, including psychology, psychiatry, religious counseling, and much more. At the end of the day, therapy is merely a safe space to work through your family problems with the support of a trained professional.

Therapy is worth your time - Another common misconception is that therapy is a waste of time or money. You could talk to anyone, so why talk to a therapist? Therapists have special expertise gained through extensive professional training. They will not only help you talk about your family issues but will help you to develop strategies for resolving difficult situations. A family therapist can also discuss various types of issues you may be dealing with, and different options for resolution or treatment, such as new scientific approaches to treating a specific issues.

Therapy is safe - One myth about therapy is that there are risks. The risk of being judged (by the therapist or by friends and family) or the risk of being medicated. On the contrary, therapy provides a safe and confidential space to explore all options for healing. Often, professional counseling is all that is needed or desired for family conflict resolution.

Professional help can provide growth and healing for a parent, child, or an entire family, improving family dynamics and emotional health. It can provide mediation and conflict resolution within a marriage, between siblings, or any type of family relationship. Think about the type of support (such as family therapy, religious counseling, or psychiatry) that feels right for your family and seek it out.

It is true that the quality of the professional you work with can make a big difference in the outcome of your therapy. For this reason, it’s often best to seek a referral from a trusted friend or family member. If that feels uncomfortable, consider asking for a referral from your family doctor. If you’ve had a negative experience in the past, consider giving it another try, this time with a trusted referral.

Taking care of yourself and maintaining your mental health is essential when attempting to solve family issues. Maintaining positive, healthy family dynamics starts with a healthy self. Being in a healthy mental space allows you to let go of negative emotions. This, in turn, paves the way for safe and open communication between family members and helps the entire family focus on relationships. 

Not only does this place you in the right frame of mind to address family conflict, but it models a healthy example for your children to do the same. It is integral to maintaining a strong family structure that provides a sense of stability and security for children. For a parent, maintaining your mental health can provide you with the strength and perspective needed to maintain the necessary qualities of a good father and mother, such as understanding and empathy.

Taking care of yourself is often easier said than done, especially while feelings of stress, anxiety, or emotional dissatisfaction prevail. Finding a healthy outlet to decompress and let go of stress and other negative emotions can help to maintain a healthy state of mind. Choose a regular time in your schedule just for maintaining you. This could include a daily exercise routine, a therapeutic hobby (such as gardening or journaling), or a weekly therapy session. Taking care of yourself leaves you open to model healthy behavior for your children and to focus on family relationships.

Impact of Family Problems

When not addressed, family problems can have serious impacts on individual family members. Issues such as increased levels of stress and anxiety, emotional difficulties and disorders (such as depression), substance abuse, and addiction, are all likely to surface. Sometimes, these impacts carry on throughout a child’s life. Family problems can especially impact children, who are often capable of perceiving much more than one might think. Children may also perceive a problem, but not be able to fully understand it. Such misunderstandings can lead to greater issues, further affecting family dynamics and individual emotions. Where family issues exist, acknowledge the problem, and take the steps to resolution.

Solving Family Problems

Families experience a wide range of issues, some small and some large. These issues typically involve strain or conflict within family relationships. They can have lasting impacts on individual family members, especially children. Taking steps to address family issues, and seeking resolution among family relationships can ease emotions, promote mental health, and maintain a positive family culture. A family culture quiz by Kinmundo is an easy way for families to evaluate and improve the culture within their family.  

A positive family culture requires a structure built on family values that maintains a safe environment for sharing. Open communication in an environment safe from fears of judgment provides a model of stability and security for family members to acknowledge and address important issues with understanding and empathy. Creating such a culture is paramount to solving family issues when they arise.

A family that feels open and safe to share emotions, acknowledge issues, and seek help when needed can maintain positive relationships and mental health. When family members are prepared to resolve family conflict, they can reduce the lasting impacts of difficult situations and fix relationships that may seem broken.

5 Ways to Become a More Family Oriented…

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Conflict Communication in Family Relationships Essay

Types of relationships, nature of conflict, conflict goals, interdependence in family relationships, power perception.

Conflict is a part of normal human communication. Though many attempts and strategies are developed to avoid or resolve conflicts, it is hard for people to understand the nature of their conflicts and find an effective resolution in a required period. In this paper, a reflection on conflict communication in personal relationships will be developed to clarify which concepts have to be used by people who perform different goals to learn from ordinary conflict situations and avoid similar problems in their future.

A variety of relations that people are free to develop is impressive indeed. People may be involved in numerous business relations and follow definite rules and standards. There are also many unexpected outcomes of love relationships. Family relationships also play an important role in human lives. Despite the type of relations, there is always a threat of having a conflict situation. Not many people are ready to take the right steps and choose appropriate methods of conflict resolution.

The development of trustful and strong personal relationships is a goal millions of people strive for. Personal relationships make human lives fulfilled. Family relations turn out to be a frequent subject of psychological research. Conflicts or friction in families is a normal part of everyday life because parents may use irritable behavior or wrong communication style with their children, spouses may fail to deliver their messages in a proper way, and children cannot control their unwanted actions (Sears, Repetti, Reynolds, Robles, & Krull, 2016). People want to resolve all conflict situations as soon as possible or, vice versa, develop them to a certain extent. In such relations, a family of origin is a crucial concept for consideration because it defines the way of handling conflict.

In family relations, different conflicts may be developed. As a rule, a possibility of people to understand their goals, roles, and obligations determine a level of family relations’ development. One of the most dangerous and unpredictable types is unresolved conflict. It is characterized by a certain negative impact on all parties and the possibility to develop drifting in family relations (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). Unresolved conflict is a situation resulted from a quarrel, a talk, or an action that offenses or disturbs one party and remains to be unsolved at the moment. This concept has to be discussed in terms of family relationships and used for improving conflict communication.

When people are involved in one or even more unresolved conflicts, it is hard for them to communicate, share their intentions and interests, and achieve required positive results. For example, there is a situation when a child demonstrates his intentions to be involved in a particular activity but does not get permission from his parents. Without an ability to prove his interests and goals, he fails to prove his position. Parents underline the importance of respect and their power in these relationships. As a result, a child suffers from uncertainty, frustration, and poorly developed communication skills. The conflict remains to be unresolved. Certain problems are not solved. The development of personal contradictions and uncertainty is promoted. The child loses his desire to do something and to demonstrate his passion for something because of the existing power of his parents. In such type of personal relationships, parties face a number of challenges, including the necessity to understand conflict goals regarding its type, explain the essence of power in communication, and investigate the worth of interdependence in conflict.

Conflict communication is an important part of human relations because it is impossible to ignore the fact that people may have incompatible goals the accomplishment of which by one party interferes with the interests and actions of another party (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). People in conflict have to be ready to analyze their situations and problems to achieve the goals and come to a certain conclusion. As a rule, any conflict is characterized by TRIP goals which including the clarification of a topic, relationships, an identity, and a process. Such concept as TRIP goals helps people understand their conflict and investigate it from different perspectives.

For example, there is a situation in a family with a wife who wants all her family visiting her parents, a father who wants to go fishing, and two children who want to stay at home on weekends. A topic is the same for all family members – what to do on weekends. All family members perform their roles and have certain responsibilities. The relations in the family are characterized by equality, and identity conflict can hardly take place. It is necessary to pay attention to process goals of a conflict and provide each family member with an opportunity to speak and prove the chosen position. This conflict may be solved as soon as one of the parties succeeds in presenting enough facts to support the chosen position and disprove the importance of other positions.

The identification and analysis of TRIP goals are effective for working in teams where a number of opinions occur at the same time, and one specific solution should be made to avoid complications.

In the same situation, such concept as interdependence cannot be ignored. Wilmot and Hocker (2014) begin their discussion stating that a person should be fair and generous even in conflicts. Such attitudes can be explained by the existing interdependence. It is usually present in all conflicts because it is an integral part of human relations. Conflict parties are interdependent because if they are not, they do not have common interests to argue about.

It is necessary to respect and understand interdependence. As soon as it is used in conflict resolution, people demonstrate their high level of knowledge, professionalism, and readiness to cooperate. This concept improves conflict communication in a family because it reminds all members that they are connected, and this connection has its own prices. Interdependence may have positive and negative outcomes in a conflict. On the other hand, all parties have to stay together to find out a solution and make sure that all interests and goals are considered. On the other hand, such interdependence is a weakness that may deprive some family members of an opportunity to protect the chosen position. For example, children understand that they are dependent on their parents regarding their financial situations and have to follow what their parents want. A mother can underline the role of grandparents in a family and use interdependence as a type of responsibility. A father may explain entertainment on weekends as an argument to support his option.

Regarding such doubtful nature of interdependence in family conflicts and many factors that determine the quality of child-parent relations (Sears et al., 2016), it is necessary to admit that healthy approaches to solve conflicts while working in a team are rare, and much work has to be done to understand the nature of this conflict.

The last crucial concept in conflict communication in a family where each member pursues their own purposes is power. Wilmot and Hocker (2014) define power as a fundamental aspect of conflict theory because its perception influences the development of all types of relations between people. If one of the parties has power, it is usually impossible to agree on something. Power is a serious weapon in conflict resolution. If a person decides to use power, there is a threat that a conflict may stay unsolved even it is passed. For example, the father can use the fact that he is a head of a family, his work and obligations have to be appreciated, and he deserves the right for fishing. At the same time, he can say that it is his decision, and no one can disprove it. Any family member can hardly change such position. Father’s power plays a crucial role, and the outcomes of its usage cannot be predicted.

In general, the development of personal and professional relationships is not an easy task for many people. A number of rules have to be considered, certain goals should be met, and various outcomes may be achieved. It is not enough to have some theoretical knowledge and be confident in personal abilities to develop strong, free-from-conflict relationships. It is necessary to learn the goals of conflict and the role of such concepts as power, interdependence, and the type of relations in order to succeed in conflict management and prove that conflict communication is an important concept for future research.

Sears, M.S., Repetti, R.L., Reynolds, B.M., Robles, T.F., & Krull, J.L. (2016). Spillover in the home: The effects of family conflict on parents’ behavior. Journal of Marriage and Family, 78 (1), 127-141.

Wilmot, W., & Hocker, J. (2014). Interpersonal conflict. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

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Family Conflict (Essay Sample)

Family conflict.

It is normal to disagree with one another from time to time. Intermittent conflict is part of family life . Family members can disagree when they have different beliefs or views that clash with the interests of others. However, family conflict can be stressful and damage the relationships among family members especially when the members are prone to misunderstanding one another and jumping to wrongly skewed conclusions. The result may be unresolved conflicts that manifest in continuous arguments and end in resentment. Intense family conflict can lead to break-ups and dissolution of marriages or separation of siblings and everlasting disunity even in important matters that affect the family members.

Family conflicts arise for various reasons. Finance and jobs are the main causes of family conflicts. Failure to secure a good job that earns the breadwinner significant income to pay for bills, service mortgages or pay rent, buy food, and fund recreation activities for the family members is the main cause of conflict between the spouses and by extension the siblings. Most often, one of the spouses will tend to believe that the other spouse is spending the money  elsewhere and is not caring for them and begin to quarrel. Also, where one of the spouses is engaged with a job that keeps him or her away from the other spouse and the children will feel neglected and incite conflict. Similarly, if the breadwinner loses the job, the family members are likely to be stressed and quarrel as their future financial situation becomes uncertain.

Apart from finances and jobs, family conflicts could arise from sibling rivalry. Siblings will naturally compete with one another for parental approval or attention. Such competition may involve causing harm to others, teasing one another, or tattling. Either of such practices will eventually result in conflict among the siblings, especially where the parent does not intervene and uphold equality among the siblings through showing equal love and acceptance for all.

In addition to finance, jobs, and sibling rivalry, lack of patience and understanding among the family members is another cause of conflict. The sustainability of families requires patience from both members since there are events that occur along the way which could be unfavorable. For instance, at some point, a breadwinner may lose his or her job. Family members ought to be patient and understand the situation as they await a resolution to the situation. Most often, the other spouse would be impatient and rush to conclude that the family has lost direction leading to quarrels and conflict in the family.

Since family conflicts are inevitable, there should be ways of resolving or avoiding the conflicts to avoid the adverse effects of these conflicts. One of the ways to resolve family conflicts is to be patient and slow to quarrel. Holding the tongue for a few seconds can be a great step towards resolving a conflict. Spouses can calm down and think of better ways to respond to a situation or a developing conflict. With patience, a better thought solution can be offered to resolve a conflict than quickly rushing to fight with one another. Also, family members can avoid conflicts by getting hard on their problems and not just blaming one another. Avoiding the blame games opens room for concessions and allows the family members to work together in finding solutions to their problems.

Overall, family conflicts can easily be predicted as they develop from obvious issues such as finance, jobs or sibling rivalry. As a family head, one ought to keep track of these issues and be in the leading line to offer solutions to such problems before the conflict arises. Patience and understanding are crucial for all family members if conflicts are to be avoided.

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Resolving Family Conflicts: Strategies for a Peaceful Resolution

• In relationship , self improvement
• Updated On May 19, 2023

Are you having problems getting along with your family? Are you finding it tough to find a way to resolve conflicts and disagreements? If so, then this article is for you! We’ll discuss how to approach difficult conversations, practice healthy communication habits, and more – all while preserving the crucial relationships in your life.

Understand the Conflict

Resolving conflicts with family members is not always easy. It’s important to stay calm and put emotions aside so that you can communicate your side of the story clearly and honestly. It’s also essential to really listen to the other person and check that you understand them by asking questions. Additionally, provide support for each other and let each of the family members involved know that you are there to help and provide comfort, love, and care. Acknowledge any offenses and try to figure out and understand the hurt you’ve caused or experienced. If needed, reach out to friends or other members of the family for support. Finally, calmly try to clarify any differences in the argument and confront the problem directly.

Here are some examples of signs or situations that may indicate the presence of family conflicts before they escalate:

• Increased tension and arguments: Notice if there is a rise in arguments, disagreements, or conflicts within the family, especially if they occur more frequently than usual.
• Changes in communication patterns: Pay attention to any changes in how family members communicate with each other. If there is a decrease in open and honest communication, frequent misunderstandings, or miscommunication, it could be a sign of underlying conflicts.
• Emotional distance: Observe if there is a growing emotional distance or lack of connection between family members. This can manifest as decreased sharing of thoughts and feelings, avoiding spending time together, or a general sense of disengagement.
• Unresolved or recurring issues: Take note of any ongoing or recurring issues within the family that remain unresolved. If the same conflicts or problems resurface repeatedly without resolution, it suggests underlying tensions.
• Changes in behavior or mood: Watch for noticeable changes in family members’ behavior or mood, such as increased irritability, withdrawal, or heightened sensitivity. These shifts can indicate underlying conflicts and emotional strain.
• Lack of cooperation or support: If family members show a lack of cooperation, support, or unwillingness to work together, it can be a sign of brewing conflicts. This may involve resistance to helping one another, refusal to compromise, or a decline in shared goals.
• Breakdown of trust: Look out for signs of mistrust or betrayal within the family. This can include secrets being kept, dishonesty, or a sense of betrayal among family members.
• Negative communication patterns: Pay attention to negative communication patterns, such as frequent criticism, blame, or contemptuous remarks among family members. These patterns erode the foundation of healthy relationships and can lead to conflicts if left unaddressed.
• Avoidance or isolation: Notice if family members start isolating themselves or avoiding interactions with certain family members. This can indicate a desire to avoid conflicts or discomfort.
• Physical or verbal aggression: Be alert to any signs of physical or verbal aggression within the family. These behaviors should never be dismissed and should be addressed immediately to prevent further escalation.

It’s important to remember that these examples serve as indicators, and the presence of one or more signs does not necessarily indicate a family conflict. However, being aware of these potential signs can help identify underlying tensions and allow for proactive communication and resolution before conflicts escalate.

Avoid Problematic Behaviors

Dealing with difficult family members can be challenging, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic, when we were all shut indoors. To help manage conflict, it is essential to understand familiar sources of tension and how to deal with dysfunctional family dynamics.

First, let any anger subside and calm down before attempting to do anything. Being aware of a family member’s feelings can help diffuse a tense situation. Brainstorming a potential solution to the problem is also a helpful step that shows your family member that you are looking for a positive outcome. Modeling good problem-solving behavior is also essential; children learn from their parents and take cues on how to resolve conflicts based on what they observe.

When attempting to settle a family conflict, it is essential to focus on the problem instead of blaming or shaming an individual. Having difficult family members around can also be an excellent opportunity for teaching children how to deal with such situations. While you cannot control their behavior, you can try not to fall into predictable patterns of behavior when responding in order to avoid escalating the situation further.

Learning about these strategies can help families cope better together and create healthier relationships in the long run.

Find Common Ground

Family conflict is an unavoidable part of life, but it doesn’t have to be unmanageable. There are different actions you can take to help resolve disputes within your family. Firstly, it’s important to let any anger subside before attempting to negotiate. For example, go for a hike or share a family meal in order to give yourselves time to cool off. Try to find common ground instead of focusing on the conflict. Seeking common ground and working together as a team is essential for helping families succeed. If you are having difficulty finding common ground with problematic family members, try setting boundaries and letting them know what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. Lastly, when you reach an agreement on a way forward, celebrate! Agree together on a time to check in as a family, discuss how things are working, and make adjustments as needed. Mediation can also be helpful if things get out of control – it can toward resolving their differences in an amicable way when emotions run high. With these tips in mind, you can work toward reducing family conflicts and creating an atmosphere of understanding and cooperation within your home.

Respect Each Other’s Opinions

When dealing with any complex situation, it is essential to allow any anger or frustration to subside before trying to address the issue. Additionally, it may be helpful to consider that one topic may be connected to other unresolved issues. In such cases, it is crucial to help family members to work through their feelings in a respectful and understanding manner.

Some examples may help – It is essential to recognize and respect each other’s individual grief journeys when dealing with loss. Everyone reacts differently, and some family members may act out while coming to terms with their loss. It is essential to show patience and understanding during this process. When making medical decisions, it can be beneficial to consider family members’ opinions. These individuals are often invaluable sources of support and guidance throughout the process.

Listen to One Another

Family relationships can be challenging to navigate, especially when conflicts arise. It’s important to remember that minor disputes between family members are expected and typically resolved on their own with some constructive dialogue. But other conflicts require communication and understanding from all family members. We may sometimes need to learn how to actively listen and understand the concerns and needs of other family members.

One way to encourage conflict resolution is for family members to engage in group activities together, such as playing games or discussing topics related to their relationships. This allows them an opportunity to support each other, share their feelings, and encourage sibling harmony within the family. Additionally, it’s vital that everyone listens carefully and tries not to interrupt while the other person is speaking. This helps ensure that everyone’s sides of the story are heard before coming up with a solution.

Finally, it’s essential for all family members to remain calm during disagreements and take a few moments to let any anger subside before continuing the conversation. With these strategies in mind, families can learn how to effectively resolve conflicts with each other in order to create a more harmonious environment at home.

Create a Safe Space to Discuss Issues

Conflict in family relationships is a common issue that can be difficult to address. Whether it’s between parents, siblings, or extended family members, navigating these issues can be a challenge. Fortunately, there are strategies and activities available to help resolve conflicts with family members.

Healthy communication is essential for having tough conversations with family members. Professional help can also be beneficial in some situations, as they can help by convening a focused gathering of family members to discuss the conflict and work towards an amicable resolution. All parties should come to the table with a receptive mind and understanding that each person has contributed in some way to the conflict.

When addressing the issue directly with the other person, it’s essential to remain calm and try not to let emotions dictate your words or actions. Listen actively and ask questions to ensure that you understand what they are saying and what they mean. Express your own side of the story without interrupting them or being defensive. If possible, come up with a plan of action that both parties can agree on for how to move forward.

It’s crucial for children involved in conflict situations to understand how they have contributed and how their behavior can play an impactful role in resolving it. It’s also helpful for parents or guardians to provide guidance so they can develop strong conflict-resolution techniques that will serve them well into adulthood. With these tips and strategies, families can learn how to resolve conflicts when they arise constructively.

Keep Your Cool and Avoid Name-Calling

It is essential to stay cool, calm, and collected in any situation, especially when in conflict with another person. When things get heated, it is easy to become emotional and resort to name-calling. While this may provide a momentary sense of satisfaction, it is ultimately unproductive and can lead to further animosity. To effectively resolve disagreements, it is essential to stay professional and respectful.

Name-calling is one of the most destructive behaviors you can display during a disagreement. It can further complicate the situation, as it can lead to hurt feelings and a lack of trust. In addition, it is not a constructive form of communication and does not provide any positive and productive solutions.

Five styles of conflict management

Conflicts can be a regular part of family life; however, it’s crucial to ensure that the resolution process is healthy and respectful. We can identify five different styles of interpersonal conflict management. These are: avoiding, accommodating, competing, compromising, and collaborating.

• Avoiding involves choosing not to respond or engage in the conflict. 
• Accommodating involves one party putting the other’s needs before their own. 
• Competing consists of attempting to get one’s own way without considering the other person’s needs or feelings. 
• Compromising is a middle ground between competing and accommodating, which involves both sides giving up something in order to reach an agreement. 
• Finally, collaborating is a win-win situation where both parties are actively engaged in finding a solution that works for both of them.

It is essential to discuss this process with your family and come to an agreement on how conflicts should be resolved. Encourage healthy communication that avoids blaming or name-calling and focuses on finding solutions that benefit everyone involved. Consider any disputes you have witnessed or experienced yourself as examples for discussion and practice resolving conflicts with your child so they are equipped with the necessary skills for when they encounter similar scenarios in their own lives.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Conflict among family members is normal, and it is a part of day to day life, but it can sometimes still be challenging to manage. To find better solutions, it’s essential to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand their perspective. This will help you create more effective and understanding solutions for your family. When facing conflict with siblings, try to cast harmony as necessary for the whole family. Consider things from your partner’s point of view, and think about how you’d feel in their position. Taking this more empathetic approach can help you craft solutions that benefit everyone involved. Finally, while you don’t need to force your child to apologize to their friend, do offer support if they want assistance resolving the conflict.

Stay Focused on the Issue at Hand

Conflict is a natural part of life, and it is vital to be able to handle it in a healthy and effective way. To do this, you should always try to stick to the issue at hand and determine the underlying cause. This will help you find a solution that satisfies both parties. One way to approach conflict is with the 50-50 rule (each side is equally responsible), which focuses on finding a solution instead of attacking each other. Additionally, it’s essential to be mindful of your tone, language, and body language when communicating with family members during conflict resolution.

Workplace conflicts can also be addressed by preparing team members ahead of time with pre-emptive skills such as communication and collaboration. Involving all parties in creating the rules can also help promote cooperation between them. It is also essential to have an individual conversation with those involved in order to truly understand the issue and find the best resolution for all parties involved.

When trying to resolve conflict, it’s important to remember that there are both constructive and destructive types of conflict. Constructive conflict is issue-focused and involves collaboration between all parties in order to reach a win-win solution that works for everyone involved. Dysfunctional conflict, on the other side, is destructive and should be avoided as much as possible.

Finally, family conflicts should not be overlooked either; they require different approaches than workplace conflicts due to their personal nature.

Focus on Solutions and Compromises

Family conflicts are a normal and healthy part of life. But disagreements can quickly escalate into conflict, leaving family members feeling hurt and frustrated. To help resolve these disputes, here is a guide to conflict resolution within the family.

For conflict resolution in the family, it’s often the parents or guardians who take on the role of arbitrator. For parents, it’s important to remember that your children need to learn how to handle conflict, too – not just with family but also with their friends, roommates, and colleagues. With the proper guidance and skills, they’ll be better equipped to manage future disagreements productively.

Family conflict resolution can involve different techniques such as competition, accommodation, avoidance, compromise, or collaboration. One of the most effective methods is a compromise – where both sides agree on something that satisfies each person’s objectives. This can be an invaluable tool for families looking for a solution that works for everyone involved.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Spending time with family over the holidays can often be a stressful experience, as tensions can arise when relatives are all together. Fights may lead to hurt feelings, anger, resentment, and other negative emotions that can last for a long time. Fortunately, there are ways to address the situation and resolve conflicts in a healthy manner.

When disagreements arise, it is important to let any anger subside and commit to having boundaries. Offering a new perspective on the dispute can also help bring light to positive memories and think of your relationship with your family members in a different way.

If talking alone does not resolve the issue, it may be time to look at other forms of conflict resolution, such as involving a third party or agreeing to disagree. Having a mediator who is trained as a therapist and understands family dynamics can help facilitate better communication, make sure feelings are understood, and help draw boundaries.

Avoid Negative Language

When faced with a conflict situation, it is vital to take a step back and be mindful of the language used. It is easy to become overwhelmed and resort to negative language, which can make the situation worse. It is essential to stay calm and speak positively, as it can help to de-escalate the conflict. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and use respectful language that is not accusatory. Focus on the issue at hand and use “I” statements to express how you feel about the issue rather than blaming the other person. If the conflict escalates, take a necessary break and come back to it when both parties have had a chance to cool down.

Conflicts Among children

Conflict is a natural part of life and can be an opportunity for learning. It may not be wise for parents to always shield their children or take sides, as ensuring that your child is encountering age-appropriate conflicts will teach them how to communicate effectively and resolve disputes. Instead of avoiding conflict, family members should discuss their differences in order to maintain peace. Effective communication is also crucial in helping children regulate their emotions when faced with adverse situations.

There are various strategies for preventing and responding to conflict, such as involving a third party or agreeing to disagree. Teaching children how to solve conflicts on their own can take more time, but it is necessary for mental health and well-being. 

From an early age, children learn to engage in opposition with their parents and take part in family disputes. Parents can also set positive examples for their children by re-evaluating their beliefs and using positive communication techniques when interacting with family members.

Take Time for Self Care

Managing intense emotions, communicating effectively, and navigating difficult conversations can take a toll on our mental, emotional and physical well-being. To ensure we are able to successfully navigate conflict, it is paramount to practice self-care. This can include taking a break, engaging in mindful activities, journaling, or speaking to a friend, colleague, or professional to help work through the issue. Taking a step back to assess the situation, empathizing with those involved, and staying focused on the facts can also help us stay grounded and maintain our composure during disagreements. Finally, remember to be patient, take deep breaths, and take the time to process the situation and consider the best course out of the problem.

Keep Communication Lines Open Afterward

By keeping the lines of communication open, it is possible to discuss the feelings and thoughts that led to the conflict, as well as any potential resolutions. Communication can also help members of the family understand each other better and can help to strengthen the bond between them. This is especially important in cases where unresolved issues may still be present. Keeping communication lines open and engaging in healthy conversations can help to reduce tension and develop more effective communication strategies. 

It is important to remember that communication should be a two-way street, and it takes putting a lot of effort together to ensure that family members understand each other’s perspectives and actively listen to one another. 

Myth’s

Here are some common myths about resolving family conflicts:

Myth: Family conflicts should be avoided at all costs.

Rebuttal: Conflict is a natural part of relationships, including within families. Avoiding conflicts may lead to unresolved issues and resentment. It’s important to address conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.

Myth: Resolving family conflicts means always reaching a compromise.

Rebuttal: While compromise can be beneficial, it is not always necessary or feasible. Resolving conflicts involves understanding and respecting each other’s perspectives, finding common ground, and seeking mutually beneficial solutions.

Myth: Conflict resolution requires one person to win and the other to lose.

Fact: A win-lose approach perpetuates a cycle of resentment and can damage relationships. Conflict resolution should focus on finding win-win solutions that meet the needs and interests of all family members involved.

Myth: It’s best to involve other family members in the conflict resolution process.

Fact: While the involvement of other family members can be helpful in certain situations, it is not always necessary or appropriate. In some cases, seeking professional mediation or counseling may be more beneficial for addressing family conflicts.

Myth: Family conflicts can only be resolved by airing grievances and expressing negative emotions.

Fact: While it is important to express emotions and concerns, resolving conflicts also requires active listening, understanding, and finding constructive solutions. Focusing solely on negative emotions can hinder the resolution process.

Myth: Resolving family conflicts means forgiving and forgetting.

Fact: Forgiveness is a personal choice and does not necessarily mean forgetting the past. It means letting go of resentment and finding ways to move forward with improved understanding and communication.

Myth: Conflict resolution requires immediate resolution and agreement.

Fact: Some conflicts may require time and space for emotions to settle and clarity to emerge. Rushing the resolution process can lead to hasty decisions and incomplete understanding. Patience and open communication are key.

Myth: Resolving family conflicts means everyone must be happy.

Fact: It is unrealistic to expect everyone to be completely satisfied with the resolution. The goal is to find a solution that respects the needs and interests of each family member involved while promoting understanding and harmony.

Myth: Once a conflict is resolved, it will never resurface.

Fact: Conflict resolution is an ongoing process. Resurfacing conflicts may indicate underlying issues that need further attention. Regular communication and problem-solving can help prevent conflicts from reemerging.

Myth: Family conflicts are a sign of a dysfunctional family.

Fact: Conflict is a normal part of family life and does not necessarily indicate dysfunction. It is how conflicts are handled and resolved that determine the overall health and strength of the family unit.

Remember, every family and conflict is unique, and it’s vital to approach conflict resolution with empathy, open-mindedness, and a commitment to finding positive outcomes for everyone involved.

Family disagreements are an inevitable part of life, but they don’t necessarily have to be a source of stress. Resolving family conflicts requires understanding, communication, and in some cases, compromise.

The first step in dealing with family strife is to fully accept what you can and cannot control. While it’s essential to recognize how the conflict is affecting the family as a whole, it’s just as important to understand that everyone has different perspectives and opinions on any given issue. To move forward, try using “I” language instead of “you” language when having conversations about the issue at hand. This will help keep emotions from getting out of control and focus on finding solutions instead of assigning blame.

When communicating, try to remain open-minded and actively listen to what others are saying without being too quick to judge or criticize them. It’s also important to remember that not all issues are worth fighting over – be thoughtful about which issues merit further discussion or resolution and which ones should be let go. Finally, if tensions start running high, consider reaching out rather than withdrawing from the conversation – this could help defuse any negative energy and lead to a more productive dialogue.

FAQ’s

Here are some important questions and answers on resolving family conflicts:

Question: How can I approach a family conflict with empathy and understanding?

Answer: Approach the conflict with an open mind and a willingness to understand the perspectives and emotions of all family members involved.

Question: What are some effective communication strategies to resolve family conflicts?

Answer: Active listening, using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming or accusatory language can promote healthy communication and facilitate conflict resolution.

Question: How can I create a safe and supportive environment for discussing and resolving conflicts?

Answer: Establish ground rules that encourage respect, openness, and non-judgmental communication during family discussions.

Question: What steps can I take to de-escalate tensions during a family conflict?

Answer: Stay calm, take deep breaths, and use techniques such as time-outs or changing the environment to allow everyone to cool down before continuing the discussion.

Question: How can we find common ground and work towards mutually acceptable solutions?

Answer: Look for shared goals or interests, and brainstorm solutions that address the concerns and needs of all family members involved.

Question: What role does forgiveness play in resolving family conflicts?

Answer: Forgiveness allows for healing and rebuilding trust. It doesn’t mean forgetting but rather choosing to let go of resentments and moving forward.

Question: How can we manage conflicts that arise from different values or beliefs within the family?

Answer: Foster a climate of respect for diverse perspectives, promote open dialogue, and find ways to compromise or find common ground that respects individual values.

Question: How can we address recurring conflicts and prevent them from escalating?

Answer: Identifying patterns, seeking professional help if needed, and implementing strategies such as regular family meetings or communication techniques can help address recurring conflicts.

Question: How can we involve all family members in the conflict resolution process?

Answer: Encourage active participation, listen to the input of each family member, and create opportunities for shared decision-making and problem-solving.

Question: How can we rebuild trust and strengthen family bonds after a conflict?

Answer: Engage in activities that foster understanding, spend quality time together, practice empathy, and demonstrate commitment to working through challenges as a family.

Remember, each family conflict is unique, and it’s essential to approach them with patience, empathy, and a genuine desire to find a resolution.

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Struggling to coexist with difficult family members? Learn about common sources of conflict and how to deal with dysfunctional family relationships.

Mothers, fathers, siblings—your closest family members can form a lifelong social support system. They can celebrate your highs and give you comfort when you’re at your lows. Even so, disagreements and misunderstandings are bound to happen. Minor conflicts between family members are normal, and they typically resolve on their own or with some constructive dialogue. But other conflicts can be much more significant. In cases where resentment and toxic patterns arise, family interactions can become lasting sources of frustration and tear relationships apart.

Difficult family relationships can take on many forms. You might have an overly critical dad who makes you feel anxious. Perhaps a sibling’s jealousy is a constant source of tension at family functions. Or maybe you believe a new in-law’s controlling behavior leads to unnecessary drama.

These turbulent family relationships can have long-lasting effects on your health and well-being. You might:

• Begin to blame yourself for these poor relationships.
• Experience fear and anxiety surrounding family or holiday events.
• Hesitate to reach out to other family members.
• Suffer from lack of emotional or financial support during hard times.
• Develop trouble sleeping or focusing due to the stress of these interactions.

Research even indicates that poor relationships with parents, siblings, or spouses can contribute to midlife depression symptoms . Exposure to domestic conflicts can also have a long-term impact on a child’s well-being as well. One longitudinal study found that domestic arguments and violence can increase a child’s risk of developing mental and physical health problems later in life.

To minimize these consequences, you can learn how to identify causes of family tension and take steps to create peaceful interactions. While you might eventually find that cutting ties is the best option for your health and happiness, there are approaches you can take that can help repair family bonds and improve your relationships with those closest to you.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

BetterHelp is an online therapy service that matches you to licensed, accredited therapists who can help with depression, anxiety, relationships, and more. Take the assessment and get matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours.

Before you learn how to deal with difficult family members, it helps to examine why those relationships are rocky to begin with. Consider these common causes of family disputes and ways to navigate them:

Family finances

Family members tend to have some degree of financial overlap. Siblings might bicker over an inheritance. Parents may have strong opinions on how their children handle money. Or adult children might feel the need to control their aging parents’ finances.

When it comes to large family events, such as weddings or holiday parties, financial disagreements can often come to a head. However, there are ways to navigate money-related problems within your family.

Put things in writing. If you expect a family member to pay you back for a personal loan, for example, make a written agreement between the two of you. This can help you avoid arguments or even legal disputes.

Set boundaries. If a family member is pressuring you to loan or give them money or wants to dictate your finances, it’s important to clarify the type of behavior you won’t tolerate. Be clear so your family member will know when they’ve crossed the line.

Know when to be transparent. You don’t have to share all of your financial details with anyone. But, in cases where your decisions may affect your family members, it’s best to be transparent. You might want to talk to your children about details of their inheritance to avoid a future conflict, for example, or let your siblings know why you can’t contribute to a shared expense.

[Read: Coping with Financial Stress]

Caregiving responsibilities

Research from 2020 shows that about 19 percent of Americans are acting as unpaid family caregivers. The stresses and responsibilities of being a caregiver can weigh heavily on family relationships.

Studies indicate that tension between siblings tends to increase when a parent begins to need some level of caregiving. Perhaps you believe your sibling is in denial over your parent’s health and needs to be more proactive. Or maybe you and your sibling disagree on whether an assisted living facility is the right housing choice for your parent.

Conflicts over caregiving aren’t limited to sibling relationships. You might have arguments with your parents or spouse over how to raise your children.

When you and another family member are at odds over caregiving, try these tips:

Be open about what level of support you need as a caregiver. If you keep your feelings to yourself, resentment can grow and increase tensions.

Look for compromise and accept other people’s limitations. If your sibling can’t physically assist with caregiving, perhaps they can offer financial help. Remember to show your appreciation when your sibling takes on responsibilities.

If someone else is completely unable or unwilling to help with parental caregiving, try looking for support outside of your family .

[Read: Family Caregiving]

New family members

As your family expands, so does the potential for new conflicts. In one study of estrangement between mothers and adult children, more than 70 percent of the mothers said other family members caused the rift. The mothers often pointed to the child’s partner or spouse as the problem.

These conflicts aren’t limited to mothers and children, of course. You and your brother-in-law might have a contentious relationship. Or perhaps your father-in-law always seems to expect too much from you. To better get along with your in-laws:

Expect differences. Different families have different expectations, boundaries, and ways of doing things. Do you see your daughter-in-law as an untactful or even rude family member? Maybe she comes from a family background that encourages blunt language or tolerates teasing.

Focus on their most positive traits. Your in-laws are part of your family because someone else in your family saw the good in them. If you’re having a hard time seeing past their flaws, try making a list of their strengths.

Find common interests. Although it’s not always easy, you can usually find shared interests if you look hard enough. Ask about your in-laws’ hobbies, passions, and past experiences until you find something that’s relatable.

Political and religious differences

Religious and political similarities can affect the strength of family bonds. For example, studies indicate that when mothers share the same religion as adult children, they tend to experience higher-quality relationships.

On the other hand, when family members don’t have the same views on religion or politics, it can trigger heated arguments. Maybe your sibling objects to group prayers before meals. Or perhaps you hear insults and snide remarks when you express your political views. Here’s how to deal with difficult family members who have opposing views:

Identify useful conversations. When a debate starts, ask yourself what you hope to get from the interaction. Do you expect to completely change your family member’s mind? Or are you trying to gain insight into their beliefs? Is it at all possible that either of you will budge on your position? Even if you’ll never agree about something, you can still move the conversation forward if you’re both willing to be open and respectful of each other’s views.

Avoid sweeping generalizations. Statements like, “Everyone on the left is evil” or “Everyone on the right is an idiot” can quickly escalate arguments and further entrench people.

Try to see the human element in the other person’s values. Many political beliefs are shaped by an underlying concern for society, such as economic or environmental stability. By recognizing that, the other person’s views may not seem as wildly different from your own.

Know when to exit heated arguments. When emotions run too hot, make a respectful but firm exit from the conversation. You can say something like, “I’m not sure if this is productive. Let’s leave it there.” Contain the urge to have the “last word.”

Be mindful of your jokes. Humor can often help diffuse a tense argument . However, avoid aggressive jokes that target the other person’s beliefs or values.

Unresolved family issues

Things that happened in the past can have a lasting effect on family relationships. Did you and your son have an explosive argument when he was a teenager? If the matter went unresolved, he might continue to be resentful or distrustful of you. Did your parents seem to favor you over your brothers? Jealousy could become an underlying source of tension for your siblings.

Unresolved issues can often crop up during milestone events or times of change within the family. For example, insecurities over parental favoritism might reappear as you and your siblings begin to act as caregivers to an aging parent.

If you’re the one holding onto an issue, speak up. Invite the other person to a private conversation, where you can bring up the issue and share your perspective. Be willing to forgive if the party apologizes for their part in the problem.

If a family member is holding resentment, be empathetic. Try to understand how they perceived events and how the past continues to affect them. If you caused some harm to them in the past, apologize and ask how you can repair the damage to the relationship. For example, if you lost your temper with your son in the past, explain how you plan to do better going forward.

If neither person is at fault, it can still help to acknowledge the past and the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Remember that no family is perfect, and past events influence present-day perceptions. Focus on what steps you can take in the present to resolve the conflict .

Despite your best efforts and intentions, sometimes you’ll find that you simply can’t get along with a family member. Perhaps someone continues to hold a grudge against you or refuses to change their behavior.

Your general plan might be to avoid difficult family members. However, that strategy can often be foiled by weddings, funerals, and other family gatherings. Here are some alternate options:

Manage your own stress

Prioritize de-stressing before and after you have to interact with a difficult family member. Effective stress management techniques can range from meditation to going for a walk to journaling your thoughts or chatting face-to-face with a close friend.

If you start to feel stressed by the difficult family member during the event itself, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself from the room and use some quick stress relief techniques to clear your head.

• Rely on your senses to ground yourself in the moment. Take in a deep breath of fresh air, find a friendly cat or dog to pet, or hum a tune to yourself. You can also use your imagination to picture something soothing, like your child’s face or a relaxing setting.
• If you tend to freeze when under stress, activities that involve physical movement are often most effective. Consider doing some stretches, swaying to background music, or jogging in place to burn off tension.

Set and maintain boundaries

Strong, clear boundaries can protect you from toxic family interactions. Imagine you and your spouse are about to visit overbearing in-laws. Talk to your spouse and set a limit on how long the visit will last. You can also set boundaries on conversation topics. If you and your in-laws have had heated arguments over religion, it might be best to steer clear of the topic.

If someone attempts to cross your boundaries, keep your temper in check. Instead, be clear and direct about the consequence. For example, you could say something like: “If you keep bringing up that topic, I’ll be leaving early.”

Build your emotional intelligence (EQ)

By strengthening your emotional intelligence, you can improve your ability to understand, manage, and express emotions. This can have a positive effect not just on your family relationships but on your overall mental health.

To enhance your EQ, you need to focus on four key skills:

• Self-management
• Self-awareness
• Social awareness
• Relationship management

You can develop these skills by taking steps such as using mindfulness to assess your emotional state and nonverbal cues. Read Improving Family Relationships with Emotional Intelligence for more strategies.

Change your focus

Be willing to acknowledge your family member’s strengths as well as their flaws. Perhaps your sibling is confrontational and demanding, but at least they’re always willing to help finance family events. Or maybe your mother-in-law is overly critical of you but always supportive of your children.

Practice empathy

Acknowledge that a difficult family member might be going through rough circumstances of their own. From personal insecurities to substance addiction or mental illness, certain underlying factors could be fueling your family member’s behavior.

Although these factors don’t excuse the behavior, by being more empathetic you might gain a better understanding of the person and why they act the way they do.

Use conflict resolution skills

Conflict resolution skills can come in handy anytime you’re dealing with family drama. These skills involve managing stress in the moment , being aware of both your own emotions and the other person’s, and prioritizing resolution over winning the argument.

You might notice that an aging parent is lashing out due to a feeling of declining independence. A deescalating step might be to ask them to do you a favor or give them a task that allows them to feel needed.

[Read: Conflict Resolution Skills]

Limit expectations and practice acceptance

Make peace with the fact that some people have viewpoints or priorities that may never match your own. Your adult children, siblings, or parents will do what they feel is right for them, and you can’t control their behavior. Try to treasure the relationship for what it is, or focus on other relationships that bring you joy.

At what point is a dysfunctional family relationship no longer worth saving? That may depend on different factors.

What’s the potential for change? The other person must be willing to acknowledge the problem and work to change. Some people don’t want to change, and you can’t control their behavior. If you’re dealing with a narcissistic family member , their inflated self-image, lack of empathy, and manipulative ways can hinder any meaningful progress.

How severe is the conflict? In cases of abuse , it’s usually advisable to cut ties with the family member. Remember that abuse doesn’t necessarily have to be physical. People who subject you to verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse can also harm your sense of well-being. This could include a father-in-law who aims to humiliate you or siblings who use guilt-tripping to manipulate you.

Dealing with doubts

Cutting ties means ending contact with the difficult family member, which is not always easy. You might repeatedly question your decision or have a hard time accepting that the relationship is unsalvageable.

Keep a list of specific reasons why you’ve decided to end contact. Did the person cross your boundaries too many times? Did the stress of your interactions negatively affect other areas of your life? Write it all down, so you don’t forget.

How to deal with the grief of ending a relationship

Depending on how close you were to the family member, you may need to take time to grieve the loss of the relationship.

Rather than suppress your feelings, identify and acknowledge them. It’s normal to experience anything from anger to sadness to guilt following the end of a relationship. You should also expect grief to intensify on days that remind you of the family member, such as birthdays or holidays.

Talk to friends and other family members about the situation. Now is a good time to reach out for support. Tell the supportive people in your life what you need from them. You might even strengthen bonds with other family members.

Maintain your hobbies and health. Continue to engage in activities you love, and look after your physical healthy by exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and eating nutritious foods. Don’t use drugs or alcohol to cope with your negative feelings .

Moving forward

Over time, people’s behaviors and circumstances can change. So, know that cutting off ties doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent. If you see evidence that your family member is truly willing to make amends, there may be a chance of reconciliation.

Don’t rush reconciliation, though. You should both accept that the process may take time and requires concrete steps for improving the relationship. With a combination of patience and improved communication , you might be able to repair that broken bond and move forward with a healthier relationship.

More Information

• Help with Relationships - Articles addressing common relationship problems, such as arguments, conflict, and communication. (Relate UK)
• Buist, K. L., van Tergouw, M. S., Koot, H. M., & Branje, S. (2019). Longitudinal Linkages between Older and Younger Sibling Depressive Symptoms and Perceived Sibling Relationship Quality. Journal of Youth and Adolescence , 48(6), 1190–1202. Link
• Con, G., Suitor, J. J., Rurka, M., & Gilligan, M. (2019). Adult Children’s Perceptions of Maternal Favoritism During Caregiving: Comparisons Between Turkey and the United States. Research on Aging , 41(2), 139–163. Link
• Full-report-caregiving-in-the-united-states-01-21.pdf. (n.d.). Retrieved January 12, 2022, from Link
• Gilligan, M., Suitor, J., Nam, S., Routh, B., Rurka, M., & Con, G. (2017). Family Networks and Psychological Well-Being in Midlife. Social Sciences , 6(3), 94. Link
• Paradis, A. D., Reinherz, H. Z., Giaconia, R. M., Beardslee, W. R., Ward, K., & Fitzmaurice, G. M. (2009). Long-Term Impact of Family Arguments and Physical Violence on Adult Functioning at Age 30 Years: Findings From the Simmons Longitudinal Study. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry , 48(3), 290–298. Link
• Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Coleman, J., Wang, J., & Yan, J. J. (2021). Mothers’ attributions for estrangement from their adult children. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice . Link
• Sechrist, J., Suitor, J. J., Vargas, N., & Pillemer, K. (2011). The Role of Perceived Religious Similarity in the Quality of Mother-child Relations in Later Life: Differences Within Families and Between Races. Research on Aging , 33(1), 3–27. Link
• Suitor, J. J., Gilligan, M., Johnson, K., & Pillemer, K. (2014). Caregiving, Perceptions of Maternal Favoritism, and Tension Among Siblings. The Gerontologist , 54(4), 580–588. Link
• Waldinger, R. J., Vaillant, G. E., & Orav, E. J. (2007). Childhood Sibling Relationships as a Predictor of Major Depression in Adulthood: A 30-Year Prospective Study. American Journal of Psychiatry , 164(6), 949–954. Link

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The 8 Keys to Resolving Family Conflict

Making Divorce Work:  8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Penguin/Perigee 2010) excerpts

The 8 Keys to Resolving Family Conflict:

1. Be hard on the problem, not the people. 2. Understand that acknowledging and listening are not the same as obeying. 3. Use “I” statements. 4. Give the benefit of the doubt. 5. Have awkward conversations in real time. 6. Keep the conversation going. Life is a dialogue. 7. Ask yourself “Would I rather be happy or right?” 8. Be easy to talk to.

Key 1: Be hard on the problem, not the people. Change the nature of the fight and you’ll change the dynamic. Stop throwing stones in arguments. Using blame, shame, or guilt to get your spouse to do something will become less effective as your relationship ends, because each of you will stop making the little concessions you once made for each other in the relationship. Instead, address the problem rather than laying blame on your spouse. For example, “Whether or not to sell our house is a tough decision; we both have a lot of work to do, and I would like to work together to figure this out” works much better than “If you’d only earned more money while we were married, we wouldn’t have to think about selling our house.” If you don’t keep the problem separate from your relationship, you risk having the conflict overtake your life (especially after your divorce). When two people who are stakeholders in a relationship are at odds, they sometimes say and do all sorts of irrational things, project, deny, and shift blame.

All this drama has nothing to do with solving your problem. But there are things you can do to focus hard on the problem, not the person. The goal is to work with your spouse, rather than being adversarial.

Key 4: Give the benefit of the doubt. Before, during, and after your divorce, you’re going to have lots of opportunities to test your ability to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Here’s an example: Your spouse is late for a meeting with the bank to see if you can refinance your house. Your first inclination is to take it personally. “How dare she be late again! She does this just to drive me crazy!” But there are also thousands of other plausible explanations which have nothing to do with you: the line at the grocery store was long, and the checker was new; the hamster got out of the cage and had to be found before leaving the house; an important phone call came from a family member at an inopportune time and she didn’t have the heart to tell the caller to put a lid on it. Maybe these explanations are true and maybe they aren’t. If this is not habitual behavior, then find it within yourself to extend the benefit of the doubt. If it’s just once in a while, it’s ultimately easier on everyone not to take it personally. Your blood pressure will thank you. Any time you feel frustrated, annoyed, or mildly irritated, remember that your spouse is human and so are you. We all have our bad days. Also, one day you may be the one asking for the benefit of the doubt, and it helps to pay it forward. Offering the benefit of the doubt helps you practice seeing the best in your spouse. Perhaps you haven’t seen that in a while. Maybe that’s because you’ve been looking for the worst. You and your spouse are both good people who are going through a very hard time right now. Allow your spouse to save face, and when it’s your turn to ask for the same favor, it will be an easier request to honor.

Diana Mercer

Diana Mercer, Esq. is an Attorney-Mediator and the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services in Los Angeles, California ( www.peace-talks.com ). A veteran litigator, she now devotes her practice solely to mediation. Outgoing and down-to-earth, she makes clients and attorneys feel at ease in solving family law disputes, divorces, custody,… MORE >

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How to Solve Your Family Problems

Last Updated: February 29, 2024 Approved

This article was co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA . Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. This article has 16 testimonials from our readers, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 462,437 times.

Most of us have been there: Families can be very difficult, and family problems are very painful. However, there are ways to solve family problems and restore peace to the dynamic. Life is too short to waste time bogged down with negativity towards the people you love. How you approach the family member and what you say can make a big difference.

Beginning the Discussion

• Don't discuss the family problem when you're still feeling upset or emotional. If you wait even a single night, the intensity of the emotion is likely to subside somewhat, even if you're still unhappy.
• Waiting allows you to approach the issue logically, rather than emotionally. If you take a step back and give yourself some time to think before dealing with the issue, you won’t deal with it so reactively.
• Approaching someone when you are angry will heighten the intensity around an already tough situation. There's no reason you can't wait to make your point tomorrow, so control your instant impulse.

• That's because tone can too easily be misperceived by electronic communication. You might not think you sound angry, but you might sound angry by text to the person receiving it.
• Instead of sending off a text, pick up the telephone or, better yet, arrange an in-person meeting. Electronic communication means people lose the touchstones of body language, which can convey empathy and reduce the sting of a painful conversation.
• People say things by electronic communication that they would never say to another person's face, which is another reason to avoid it.

• Understanding that family members have faults, but you can still love them, is the first step toward addressing longstanding problems. Try to understand why they might act or think the way they do, as it can be a reflection of themselves rather than you.
• Accept your own faults, too. Accept blame when you deserve it. Try not to see family issues as all or nothing equations where someone is wrong and someone else (perhaps you) is right. Instead, try to perceive the gray areas. Nuances are exciting!
• It can do wonders to be the first person to apologize even if you really, truly, don’t think you did anything wrong. Say something like, “I can see you’re upset, and although this has been hard for me too, I am sorry. I really want to fix this, so let me know how I can do that.” That way if the family member continues the feud, at least you can say you took the high road.

• That means avoiding judgment words or name calling of the family member. It means avoiding accusatory words that are said in an angry tone. Blaming other people will make them defensive and prone to counter attacking, which will make the argument worse.
• Avoid the need to “win” the argument about the family problem. Instead, try to accept that there are two, or more, ways to see the point. Develop a plan for solving the problem together. Then, focus on organizing activities where you can have fun together, avoiding anything that could serve as a “trigger,” reigniting the problem. Explore new sides of your family members and new ways of relating to them.
• Keep your tone and voice calm and modulated, not raised and upset. Calmly and methodically explain your points, but with empathy for the other person. Always try to put yourself in the family member’s shoes. Make attempts to cool down the argument by throwing out conciliatory comments, like, “I see your point.”

• However, ultimately forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the corrosive nature of the dispute. Forgiving the family member is about letting go of the past so you can build a healthier future that is free of tension and stress.
• Tell the family member you forgive him or her if the family member has readily admitted blame for whatever is causing the problem. Say this with empathy. It will go a long way.
• Remember that every human being is imperfect and needing of forgiveness at one time or another on life’s journey. That’s including you, probably, at some point.

Getting at the Root of the Problem

• You may need to engage in some self-analysis here. Why am I hiding my issue from my family? Why am I so upset at this family issue? For example, perhaps you are struggling with financial concerns over how your mother is spending her money. You may then realize that you are concerned because you do not want her to end up with no way to support herself financially, as you do not have the means to provide for her.
• Don’t assume what other people are thinking. You need to talk to them to find out what they are really thinking. Avoid gossiping about other people in the family as this will probably get back to them and make it worse. Focus on causes, not symptoms. [1] X Research source
• However, a trusted family member, such as a parent or another sibling, might be able to help you figure out what is really going on, so it’s OK to talk to them in a way that is heartfelt and designed to solve or address the issue.

• In contrast, asking questions softens the conversation and can draw out what's really bothering the person. Questions make the family member feel like he or she is not being condemned. Ask the other family member his or her ideas for making the situation better.
• For example, let's say that your sister has been really distant from you lately and not inviting you out for coffee like she used to. You could say, "I've noticed that we haven't seen each as much as we used to. Why do you think that is?" Or, you may try to address your mother's spending habits by saying, "I've noticed that you have been spending more money on clothing lately. Are you being responsible with money?"
• Make sure the questions are open-ended so that they provoke the other person to elaborate. Then, truly listen to what the family member has to say.

• Perhaps an older, wiser family member can be asked to intervene and set up a meeting or talk to the other family member first, acting as sort of a mediator. In order to open the line of communication, you will have to set aside your pride. Remember it takes a big person to be the first person to tackle the problem. [3] X Research source
• Ignoring the problem while it festers will probably only make it worse in the long run as the coldness grows between you. It’s better to express how you feel, but choose the right time and way to do so. For example, it may be a bad idea to bring up a family problem at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
• Avoid drinking before having a tough family conversation. Alcohol can fuel emotions in a lot of people, even when used in moderation, and that’s usually not the best thing when trying to have a difficult family conversation.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Communicating with others doesn't have to be done face-to-face. If you're struggling to communicate with a family member, you could write a note or letter and leave it for them to find, or you could send a text message to discuss an issue and ask about talking later.

• Some family problems can be caused by differences of opinion, such as differing cultural values or beliefs. Parents and children may end up not able to agree on lifestyle choices and personal preferences or beliefs.
• Other family problems stem from substance abuse, mental health problems, bullying, lack of trust, change in family circumstances, financial issues, stress, sexuality-related issues, and jealousy.

Addressing the Family Problem

• The first step is trying to figure out whether the problem is solvable. That depends on the nature of the problem, and what’s already been done to solve it. If you’ve tried and tried and keep getting the same result, that may be different.
• But consider what points of common ground you have with the other person, and what points you would be willing to give in on. If you don’t give in on anything, you’re less likely to make headway in the dispute.
• One technique to develop compromise is for both people in the dispute to sit down and draw two circles that relate to the family problem. In the first circle, write down everything you’re not willing to compromise on. In the outer circle, write down the areas where you are willing to bend. Then, share the circles.

• Instead of broaching painful family problems at holiday gatherings or a big family dinner, try to figure out who the conflict is really between. If it's between you and one other family member, the rest of the family may feel very uncomfortable being dragged into it, because no one likes to be forced to take a side.
• Instead, ask the family member in question to meet you for lunch or coffee. Talking one-on-one in a neutral space can be a much better way to redress whatever grievances you have or they might have. People will say things individually that they would hesitate to say in a group.
• Don’t try talking to the family member when you’re distracted, working on a big work project, fielding a bunch of phone calls, doing the dishes, or the like. Instead, put everything down to focus on the issue and them.

• For example, perhaps the family problem involves a job loss, disability, or money problems. Calling the family together to come up with ideas to solve the problem helps everyone feel like they are doing something useful.
• Use the family council as the foundation to develop a strategy to move the family forward in a positive manner. More minds are usually better at tackling a problem than one is.
• Make sure one family member doesn’t dominate the discussion, and explain that anger or name calling should be checked at the door.

• Handwriting is good because it's more personal. It shows that you put care and thought behind the letter, and it seems warmer. That will make the other family members realize that you are trying.
• Some people communicate better in writing but veil their thoughts and emotions more in person or on the phone. If you are one of those people, a letter might be the way to go.
• In the letter, you should explain how you feel and why you want to address the family issue. Use the word "I" more than the word "you" in the letter so you are stating your perspective and not blaming or speaking for anyone else. Explain how the problem is affecting you, but also explain how you would like the problem to be resolved and why.

• Place the problem in front of the child. Explain the problem very clearly. You might say something like, "We have noticed that you don’t get out of bed easily, making you late for school a lot. This is a problem that we need to solve."
• Don’t act angry. Instead, ask the child for help solving the problem. Suggest that the child come up with a plan to solve the issue with your help.
• Give the child positive reinforcement if the child makes progress toward solving the problem. Try to dig out the real reasons for the problem. Is the child hard to wake up because the child is on social media too late, for example?
• Don’t play favorites with children. Let the child know you love the child and that you want to solve the problem because you care about the child and want things to be better.

Letting Go of Family Problems

• The question to ask yourself is whether the family member has brought negatives into your life, draining you emotionally, stealing from you financially, undermining you, or any number of bad behaviors.
• You have a right to draw boundaries to protect yourself. For example, perhaps you still see the negative family member at family events, and you treat them with respect when you do. However, perhaps you have decided to never visit with them one-on-one or lend them money. This is within your right to do.
• Explain the boundaries to the family member in a warm and loving manner. However, be firm. Perhaps you can't stay over at a family member's house because fights always occur when you visit, so you will stay at a nearby hotel instead.

• Some family problems, like grief over a loved one or a parents inability to accept you for who you are, may not have solutions. Instead, you may need to accept that you have tried your best to communicate and connect with your family, to no avail. You may then need to move on from the issue and try to live your life the best you can.
• Although such situations are intensely personal, generally you should consider cutting the family member out of your life if the family problem involves abuse, either physical or sexual. Abuse should not be tolerated, of yourself or others. Abuse situations should be reported to the police or child protective services.
• Serious substance abuse issues that continue to impact your life could be another reason. You can try to get a person help, but if they continue to refuse, you might have to cut them out for your own peace of mind.

• If the family member in question will not go to counseling, perhaps you could go on your own. A professional therapist can help you figure out how to deal with the family member and how to heal the rift. Reading books on relationships also can help some people, as can joining a support group. [5] X Research source
• If the family problem is rooted in issues like mental illness or substance abuse by you or another family member, a professional may be the only way for the family to start to heal. Some problems may be too complex for you to solve on your own.
• A counselor can help by simply being a neutral, objective ear on the problem. The professional might offer suggestions that you didn't think of or perceive aspects of the conflict that you wouldn't because you are too close to it.
• Reader Poll: We asked 555 wikiHow readers who they go to when they need to talk through a personal issue, and 61% said that they reach out to their best friend for support and understanding. [Take Poll] So you might also find that your closest friends can be an important source of comfort!

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• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pride-and-joy/201205/solving-common-family-problems-five-essential-steps
• ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them
• ↑ http://inspiyr.com/solve-family-problems/
• ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kenneth-barish-phd/how-to-solve-common-famil_b_3366853.html
• ↑ http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-solve-family-problems-solutions-toxic-relatives/

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Solving Common Family Problems: Five Essential Steps

Engaging children in the solution of problems..

Posted May 28, 2012

In every family, there will be problems. No matter how positive and empathic we have been, kids will still argue and misbehave, and ask for more than they can have. The demands of our daily lives—and of theirs—will inevitably create conflict and misunderstanding.

Often, there is a recurring problem. The problem may be getting ready for school in the morning or going to sleep at night. Or doing homework, or fighting with siblings. Children may be demanding or disrespectful, or refuse to cooperate when asked. Over time, these common problems of daily living begin to erode the quality of our relationships with our children - and our own pleasure in being parents.

So often, families get stuck. Despite our best intentions, children become stubborn and defensive—and so do we. In today’s post, I will outline five essential principles that we should keep in mind in attempting to solve any challenging problem of family life.

Step 1: Take a Step Back

The first step in solving any recurring problem in the life of a child is to take a step back. Problems of family life are best solved - and perhaps can only be solved—proactively. When we are reacting to our children’s behavior, we will often be reacting badly. Clinicians and parent advisors of all points of view agree on this point.

Children want to solve problems, and they want to do well. Like us, however, they may become frustrated and even feel hopeless that solutions are possible. And, like us, they may just not know what to do.

Look for causes, not just symptoms. You will solve problems more successfully when you have been able to identify the daily experiences in the life of your child that are sources of painful feelings. These may be frustration in learning, or frequent criticism, or bullying , or exclusion.

Then, listen to your child’s grievance. Let him tell you what he believes is unfair in his life. Tell him what is right about what he is saying before you tell him what is wrong. You can say, for example, “I know you feel that we are always on your case about your schoolwork, and maybe we are. But we’re worried and we need to solve this problem.”

Step 2: Place the Problem Before Your Child

Once you have identified a recurrent problematic situation and made some effort to understand its causes, the next step is to place the problem before your child. Say, for example, “We have a problem in the morning, when it’s time to get ready, and I often end up yelling at you,” or “I think we have a shower problem,” or “A lot of times, we have a problem when I tell you that it is time to turn off the television.”

Step 3: Elicit Your Child’s Ideas

It seems almost reflexive for many parents, when faced with a child’s defiance or lack of cooperation, to attempt to solve this problem by imposing a “consequence” for their child’s misbehavior. Although some problems may require this approach, I recommend that you first engage your child in an effort to solve the problem—to elicit her ideas.

In this way, you will often be able to engage her in a search for solutions. She will then be less absorbed in angry and defiant thoughts, less stuck in making demands or continuing the argument. She will begin to think, even if just for that moment, less about getting her way and instead about how to solve a problem, how her needs and the needs of others might be reconciled - an important life lesson, for sure.

Once you have placed the problem before your child and asked for her ideas, give her some time. You can say, for example, “Why don’t you think about it for a while? Let’s talk again later, or tomorrow, and see what your ideas are.” In doing this, you will be teaching yet another important lesson, because this is how most problems in life should be solved.

Step 4: Develop a Plan

In my experience, almost all children respond positively when I tell a family that “I have a plan” to solve a recurrent problem of family life. They may be skeptical, but they listen with interest. Deep down, they want a plan, as much as we do. (I will offer plans for solving specific family problems in future posts.)

Step 5: Express Appreciation and Praise for Increments of Effort and Success

Be sure to offer praise and appreciation for every increment of your child’s effort at compliance and self-control . Your acknowledgment of her effort and progress is a basic principle of successful problem solving.

Psychologists have learned from psychotherapy research that ongoing collaboration is an important element of successful therapy. This is also true in solving problems with our children. We should regularly, proactively, check in with children, and ask, for example, “How do you think we are doing with our morning problem?”

Copyright Ken Barish, Ph.D.

Ken Barish is the author of Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems .

Kenneth Barish, Ph.D. , is a clinical associate professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University.

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How to Solve a Family Conflict in 5 Steps

Did you believe a family conflict was solved only to discover it’s still a problem? Days or months later, the conflict surfaces again. You are caught off guard because you thought the conflict was over. Feelings are hurt because a problem persisted. So, what’s the next step? 

I recently learned valuable tips on resolving a family conflict from my daughter. Our kids, no matter their age, have great insights into family relationships!

Conflicts with my daughter are rare. But, when I failed to support her plans to join an overseas missionary organization rather than attend college, we experienced our first major conflict. Ultimately, she served overseas with my full support. I believed our disagreement was resolved.

I was wrong. Months later, my lack of support came up again in a different context. Her negative feelings signaled the need for a deeper discussion about our relationship. We needed to overcome our differences with love and grace.

Here are five things I learned from our conversation:

• Listen, Listen, Listen.  Often you believe you are listening, but you are distracted or rehearsing your answer in your mind. You don’t really hear what the other person is saying. People want your undivided attention when they are speaking. When they are done sharing, summarize what you heard and ask for confirmation.
• Discover the hidden issue.  Reoccurring family conflicts often mask a hidden issue because family members are afraid to tell the truth. Be open. Ask questions that encourage honesty and a deep discussion. As I listened to my daughter and asked focused questions, I discovered that she wanted to be known and respected for the person she had become.
• Encourage their unique perspective.  It’s easy to see your family from your own perspective and not recognize the differences between individuals. Every family is filled with different needs, personalities, and viewpoints. Whether you agree or not, be open to hearing from your family members about how they see and experience you. What they share may surprise you.
• Be Humble.  Working through a conflict can cause you to react and over-explain yourself. Don’t do it! Humility requires you to listen, understand, and not respond with an explanation. Honestly, people don’t really care about all your reasons, just let them know you regard them more highly than yourself. Believe me, I know – I often have reasons for why I do what I do and my kids call me out. Humility, sigh….
• Offer a sincere apology.  A sincere apology is soothing balm to a wounded heart. The secret is that your apology can’t be offered without first listening to their complaint. A hasty “I am sorry” to end a conflict is meaningless. You must understand how you offended the other person and commit to preventing it from happening again.

Family misunderstandings are inevitable, but conflicts that persist can be avoided. When you invest time to ensure family members are heard and understood, respected and loved, you will reap many relational benefits and stop future problems in their tracks. I am thankful my daughter has shown me a better way!

Question: What approaches have you have found most useful in managing ongoing family conflicts? I would love to read your comments below.

If you like this content, get my free Ebook on “Dealing with Difficult People” and discover more communication tools for improving even your most difficult relationships.

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