what is personal relationship essay

What Do We Mean by Personal Relationships?

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The concept of "relationships and family" is broad and varies from person to person. What you mean by relationship is unique to you, but most people do think of a state of connectedness, especially an emotional connection.

In our model, personal relationships refer to close connections between people, formed by emotional bonds and interactions. These bonds often grow from and are strengthened by mutual experiences.

Relationships are not static; they are continually evolving, and to fully enjoy and benefit from them we need skills, information, inspiration, practice, and social support. In our model there are three kinds of personal relationships.

Although the concept of "family" is one of the oldest in human nature, its definition has evolved considerably in the past three decades. Non-traditional family structures and roles can provide as much comfort and support as traditional forms.

Note that online friends don’t count toward close ties—research indicates that a large online network isn’t nearly as powerful as having a few close, real-life friends.

Partnerships

Romantic partnerships, including marriage, are close relationships formed between two people that are built upon affection, trust, intimacy, and romantic love. We usually experience this kind of relationship with only one person at a time.

Basic rights in a relationship

• The right to emotional support
• The right to be heard by the other and to respond
• The right to have your own point of view, even if this differs from your partner's
• The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
• The right to live free from accusation and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered

From Patricia Evans'  The Verbally Abusive Relationship :

In addition to these basic relationships rights, consider how you can develop patience, honesty, kindness, and respect.

Patience:  Patience is essential to a healthy relationship. There are times when others will respond to us in a way that is disappointing. When this occurs, it important to communicate our disappointment, but also to give the other person space.

Be willing to give the person some time to reflect, indicating that you are ready to talk when they are ready. If the person is never ready to discuss the situation, you may need professional help to resolve the issue, or ask yourself whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Honesty:  Honesty is another essential quality in healthy relationships. To build honesty in a relationship, you should communicate your feelings openly, and expect the other person to do the same. Over time, this builds trust.

Kindness:  Kindness is extremely important to maintaining healthy relationships. You need to be considerate of others' feelings and other people need to be considerate of yours. Be kind when you communicate. Kindness will nurture your relationships. Note that being kind does not necessarily mean being nice. 

Respect:  Respect is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If you don't have respect for another person, it will have a negative impact on all of your interactions. Think of a time when you encountered someone who didn't respect you. How did it feel? What are some ways that you show respect to others? 

http://www.census.gov/hhes/families/about/

Helliwell, J.F., Huang, H. (2013). Comparing the happiness effects of real and on-line friends. National Bureau of Economic Research. Working paper 18690. Retrieved from http://www.nber.org/papers/w18690.pdf .

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Relationships aren't static—they are living, dynamic aspects of our lives that require attention and care. In order to benefit from strong connections with others, you should take charge of your relationships and put in the time and energy you would any other aspect of your wellbeing.

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Essays About Love and Relationships: Top 5 Examples

Love, romance, and relationships are just as complicated and messy as they are fascinating. Read our guide on essays about love and relationships.

We, as humans, are social beings. Humanity is inclined towards living with others of our kind and forming relationships with them. Love, whether in a romantic context or otherwise, is essential to a strong relationship with someone. It can be used to describe familial, friendly, or romantic relationships; however, it most commonly refers to romantic partners. 

Love and relationships are difficult to understand, but with effort, devotion, and good intentions, they can blossom into something beautiful that will stay with you for life. This is why it is important to be able to discern wisely when choosing a potential partner.

5 Essay Examples

1. love and marriage by kannamma shanmugasundaram, 2. what my short-term relationships taught me about love and life by aaron zhu, 3. true love waits by christine barrett, 4. choosing the right relationship by robert solley, 5. masters of love by emily esfahani smith, 1. what is a healthy romantic relationship, 2. a favorite love story, 3. relationship experiences, 4. lessons relationships can teach you, 5. love and relationships in the 21st century, 6. is marriage necessary for true love.

“In successful love marriages, couples have to learn to look past these imperfections and remember the reasons why they married each other in the first place. They must be able to accept the fact that neither one of them is perfect. Successful love marriages need to set aside these superior, seemingly impossible expectations and be willing to compromise, settling for some good and some bad.”

Shanmugasundaram’s essay looks at marriage in Eastern Cultures, such as her Indian traditions, in which women have less freedom and are often forced into arranged marriages. Shanmugasundaram discusses her differing views with her parents over marriage; they prefer to stick to tradition while she, influenced by Western values, wants to choose for herself. Ultimately, she has compromised with her parents: they will have a say in who she marries, but it will be up to her to make the final decision. She will only marry who she loves. 

“There is no forever, I’ve been promised forever by so many exes that it’s as meaningless to me as a homeless person promising me a pot of gold. From here on out, I’m no longer looking for promises of forever, what I want is the promise that you’ll try your best and you’ll be worth it. Don’t promise me forever, promise me that there will be no regrets.”

In Zhu’s essay, he reflects on his lessons regarding love and relationships. His experiences with past partners have taught him many things, including self-worth and the inability to change others. Most interestingly, however, he believes that “forever” does not exist and that going into a relationship, they should commit to as long as possible, not “forever.” Furthermore, they should commit to making the relationship worthwhile without regret. 

“For life is a constant change, love is the greatest surprise, friendship is your best defense, maturity comes with responsibility and death is just around the corner, so, expect little, assume nothing, learn from your mistakes, never fail to have faith that true love waits, take care of your friends, treasure your family, moderate your pride and throw up all hatred for God opens millions of flowers without forcing the buds, reminding us not to force our way but to wait for true love to happen perfectly in His time.”

Barrett writes about how teenagers often feel the need to be in a relationship or feel “love” as soon as possible. But unfortunately, our brains are not fully matured in our teenage years, so we are more likely to make mistakes. Barrett discourages teenagers from dating so early; she believes that they should let life take its course and enjoy life at the moment. Her message is that they shouldn’t be in a rush to grow up, for true love will come to those who are patient. You might also be interested in these essays about commitment and essays about girlfriends .

“A paucity of common interests gets blamed when relationships go south, but they are rarely the central problem. Nonetheless, it is good to have some — mostly in terms of having enough in common that there are things that you enjoy spending time doing together. The more important domains to consider are personality and values, and when it comes to personality, the key question is how does your potential partner handle stress.”

Solley, from a more psychological perspective, gives tips on how one can choose the ideal person to be in a relationship with. Love is a lifetime commitment, so much thought should be put into it. One should look at culture, values regarding spending money, and common interests. Solley believes that you should not always look for someone with the same interests, for what makes a relationship interesting is the partners’ differences and how they look past them. 

“There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: Either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.”

Smith discusses research conducted over many years that explains the different aspects of a relationship, including intimacy, emotional strength, and kindness. She discusses kindness in-depth, saying that a relationship can test your kindness, but you must be willing to work to be kind if you love your partner. You might also be interested in these essays about divorce .

6 Writing Prompts On Essays About Love and Relationships

Everyone has a different idea of what makes a great relationship. For example, some prioritize assertiveness in their partner, while others prefer a calmer demeanor. You can write about different qualities and habits that a healthy, respectful relationship needs, such as quality time and patience. If you have personal experience, reflect on this as well; however, if you don’t, write about what you would hope from your future partner. 

Love and relationships have been an essential element in almost every literary work, movie, and television show; an example of each would be Romeo and Juliet , The Fault in Our Stars , and Grey’s Anatomy . Even seemingly unrelated movies, such as the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings franchises, have a romantic component. Describe a love story of your choice; explain its plot, characters, and, most importantly, how the theme of love and relationships is present. 

If you have been in a romantic relationship before, or if you are in one currently, reflect on your experience. Why did you pursue this relationship? Explore your relationship’s positive and negative sides and, if applicable, how it ended. If not, write about how you will try and prevent the relationship from ending.

All our experiences in life form us, relationships included. In your essay, reflect on ways romantic relationships can teach you new things and make you better; consider values such as self-worth, patience, and positivity. Then, as with the other prompts, use your personal experiences for a more interesting essay. Hou might find our guide on how to write a vow helpful.

How love, romance, and relationships are perceived has changed dramatically in recent years; from the nuclear family, we have seen greater acceptance of same-sex relationships, blended families, and relationships with more than two partners—research on how the notion of romantic relationships has changed and discuss this in your essay. 

More and more people in relationships are deciding not to get married. For a strong argumentative essay, discuss whether you agree with the idea that true love does not require marriage, so it is fine not to get married in the first place. Research the arguments of both sides, then make your claim. 

Check out our guide packed full of transition words for essays . If you’re still stuck, check out our general resource of essay writing topics .

Martin is an avid writer specializing in editing and proofreading. He also enjoys literary analysis and writing about food and travel.

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Essay on Healthy Relationships

Students are often asked to write an essay on Healthy Relationships in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Healthy Relationships

What is a healthy relationship.

A healthy relationship is like a good friendship. It is when two people spend time together and enjoy each other’s company. They respect each other, listen to each other, and understand each other’s needs. They support each other in good and bad times. A healthy relationship is full of love, trust, and happiness.

Importance of Communication

Talking and listening are important in a healthy relationship. It helps people understand each other better. They can share their feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Good communication also helps to solve problems and avoid misunderstandings.

Trust and Honesty

Trust and honesty are key in a healthy relationship. Trust means believing in the other person. Honesty means telling the truth. Both help to build a strong and loving relationship. They make people feel safe and comfortable with each other.

Respect and Boundaries

Respect is treating others the way you want to be treated. It is about valuing the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and choices. Boundaries are also important. They are rules that help people feel safe and comfortable. They protect people’s personal space and freedom.

Dealing with Conflicts

Conflicts can happen in any relationship. But in a healthy relationship, people handle conflicts in a positive way. They listen to each other, understand the problem, and find a solution together. They do not hurt each other’s feelings or make each other feel bad.

250 Words Essay on Healthy Relationships

A healthy relationship is a bond between two or more people. It is filled with respect, trust, honesty, and good communication. In such relationships, people feel safe and happy. They enjoy spending time together and support each other in good and bad times.

Key Features

There are some important features of a healthy relationship. These include open communication, respect, trust, and equality. Open communication means that people talk freely about their feelings. Respect means that they value each other’s opinions and feelings. Trust means that they believe in each other. Equality means that they treat each other as equals.

Why are Healthy Relationships Important?

Healthy relationships are important for our well-being. They make us feel happy and secure. They also help us grow as individuals. In a healthy relationship, we learn to trust and respect others. We also learn to communicate our feelings in a better way.

How to Build Healthy Relationships?

Building a healthy relationship takes effort. It starts with respect and trust. We should respect each other’s feelings and trust each other. We should also communicate openly. If there is a problem, we should talk about it and find a solution together. We should also spend quality time together. This helps to strengthen the bond.

In conclusion, a healthy relationship is a beautiful bond. It is filled with respect, trust, and good communication. It makes us feel happy and secure. It helps us grow as individuals. To build a healthy relationship, we should respect, trust, and communicate openly with each other.

500 Words Essay on Healthy Relationships

A healthy relationship is like a good friendship. It is filled with respect, trust, honesty, and good communication. In a healthy relationship, both people feel good about each other and about themselves.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

There are many signs of a healthy relationship. One of the most important is respect. This means that each person values the other and understands and respects their rights.

Another sign is trust. Trust is like a strong rope that holds the relationship together. If there is trust, each person feels secure and safe.

Good communication is also a sign of a healthy relationship. It’s like a bridge that connects two people. With good communication, both people can express their feelings and thoughts openly and honestly.

Importance of a Healthy Relationship

Healthy relationships are very important for our happiness and well-being. They give us a sense of belonging and help us feel loved and valued. They also provide support when we face challenges or problems.

Moreover, healthy relationships teach us important life skills. They help us learn how to respect others, how to trust, and how to communicate effectively. These skills are very helpful in all areas of our life.

Building a Healthy Relationship

Building a healthy relationship is like planting a seed and taking care of it so it can grow into a strong tree. It takes time, effort, and patience.

The first step is to build respect. This can be done by treating the other person with kindness, listening to them, and valuing their opinions.

The second step is to build trust. This can be done by being honest, reliable, and keeping promises.

The third step is to build good communication. This can be done by talking openly about feelings and thoughts, listening carefully, and trying to understand the other person’s point of view.

In conclusion, a healthy relationship is a valuable part of our lives. It is built on respect, trust, and good communication. It brings us joy and helps us grow as individuals. Building a healthy relationship takes time and effort, but the rewards are worth it. Remember, everyone deserves to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

This essay is a simple guide to understanding the concept of healthy relationships. It is important to remember that each relationship is unique and may require different approaches. But the basic principles of respect, trust, and communication always remain the same.

That’s it! I hope the essay helped you.

If you’re looking for more, here are essays on other interesting topics:

• Essay on Heaven And Hell
• Essay on Help One-On-One
• Essay on Helping Animals

Apart from these, you can look at all the essays by clicking here .

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Tips to Maintain an Interpersonal Relationship

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.

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• Maintain Boundaries
• Show Respect
• Be Empathetic

Why Interpersonal Relationships Matter

When an interpersonal relationship ends, are you in a healthy relationship take the quiz.

Human beings are social by nature. The connections we build with others are critical to social, emotional, and physical health. Knowing how to maintain interpersonal relationships can help you build a support system that provides strength as you cope with life’s challenges.

An interpersonal relationship is a social connection or affiliation between two or more people. Different types of interpersonal relationships can include your connections with your partner, loved ones, close friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and many others who make up the social connections in your life.

This article discusses things you can do to maintain strong interpersonal relationships with loved ones, friends, colleagues, and others in your life. It also covers why these relationships are so important and what you can do when they do end.

Interpersonal Relationships Need Openness

In order to form and maintain strong bonds with others, there needs to be a mutual give-and-take when it comes to sharing information with one another. People need to open up to you, but you also have to be willing to let others in and share details about your experiences, emotions, and opinions.

After all, it is through this mutual sharing that you get to know each other. This process, known as self-disclosure , forges bonds and deepens intimacy between people.

Consider how you might feel if someone you care about did not share important information with you about things that are happening in their life. You might be left feeling that they don’t trust you or that they don’t consider you a close friend. 

Letting others in isn’t always easy. By sharing, you are showing them that you trust and care for them—and giving them the opportunity to show the same care in return.

In order to maintain interpersonal relationships, work on learning to be open with the people in your life. Allow yourself to be vulnerable . Look for opportunities where you can let people get to know the “real” you.

Interpersonal Relationships Need Boundaries

Being open doesn’t mean you should give others unlimited access to your thoughts, feelings, or time. Healthy boundaries are also a vital foundation of any strong relationship. It is important not only to establish these boundaries but to enforce them as well.

A boundary can be defined as what you are willing to accept in a relationship. These boundaries represent your values, expectations, and limitations.

A boundary in your interpersonal relationships might look like having limits on when you spend time together or expectations for when you will be there for one another. It can also involve how much you are willing to share about yourself emotionally, physically, and even digitally.

These boundaries are important in your relationships with other people, but they’re also important for your relationship with yourself.

It’s important that others respect your boundaries, but it is just as important for you to respect theirs. Respecting these boundaries shows that you care about each other’s values, goals, emotions, and needs.

Interpersonal Relationships Require Listening

Good communication is essential in any relationship, but it’s important to remember that communicating well involves being able to listen.

Active listening involves being engaged with what your conversation partner is saying. You're not just being quiet and letting them say their piece—you’re reflecting on their words, paraphrasing what they have said to show you are listening, and asking questions you may have. 

Listening shows that you care. It shows that you are involved in the other person’s life and interested in what they have to say.

Listening is a great way to learn more about the other person. It also allows you to offer support and emotional validation , which can go a long way toward making the other person value you as a friend and confidant.

Tips for Active Listening

• Don’t interrupt
• Avoid voicing opinions or judgments
• Maintain good eye contact
• Ask open-ended questions
• Paraphrase what the other person has said

Interpersonal Relationships Require Respect

To maintain interpersonal relationships, you should also show respect for others. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or do what they want to do. However, It does mean you should show that you value their feelings, opinions, time, and interests.

When showing respect in interpersonal relationships, you should:

• Avoid disparaging the things they enjoy
• Keep the commitments you’ve made to them
• Show up on time
• Be mindful of their feelings
• Listen to them, even when you disagree

Interpersonal Relationships Need Empathy

Empathy involves being able to put yourself in another person’s shoes and feel what they feel. It means you see things from their perspective and feel their pain as if it was your own.

Interpersonal relationships benefit from empathy in many ways. When you show that you feel what someone else is feeling, it helps the other person gain a sense of belonging. It helps others feel understood, and that understanding serves as a foundation for trust and closeness in a relationship.

Research also suggests that in addition to strengthening relationships, empathy also fosters kindness, cooperation, and helping behaviors and improves mental health.

• Earn and be worthy of trust
• Make an effort to show you care
• Improve your listening skills
• Share things about yourself
• Accept feedback
• Validate their feelings

Why are interpersonal relationships so important? Research has found that interpersonal relationships can have a number of important benefits for physical and psychological health. Some of these include:

• Combating loneliness
• Increasing resilience to stress
• Decreasing the risk of depression and suicide
• Lowering the risk of cardiovascular disease
• Improving longevity

When you have strong interpersonal relationships, you may feel more motivated to engage in behaviors that are good for your health. Research has found that people who participate more in social relationships are also more likely to eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and avoid smoking.

Not all relationships are healthy, and sometimes you might need to let go of a toxic or painful relationship. In addition, some relationships are limited in duration simply by the nature of the connection—your relationship with a coworker, healthcare professional, or teacher, for example, may end based on various transitions in your life.

Other relationships may end for various reasons, including a breakup, divorce, a move, or death. Remember that it is normal to feel a range of emotions when a relationship ends, including sadness, anger, or grief.

If you are struggling after the loss of an interpersonal relationship, consider talking to your healthcare provider or therapist.

Keep in Mind

Being able to maintain strong interpersonal relationships plays a critical role in both your physical and emotional well-being. Think about the qualities that you value the most in your relationships— such as trust, respect, friendship, kindness, and honestly—and work on showing others those same virtues.

While it can be easy to get caught up in the busyness of everyday life, make it a habit to spend time cultivating and protecting your relationships with the people who matter the most. A little time, attention, and effort can ensure that you are giving people the support they need and that you get the same support in return.

If you've got questions about your relationship, our fast and free quiz can help you better understand if your partnership is rock solid or if it could use some work.

Sprecher S, Treger S, Wondra JD, Hilaire N, Wallpe K.  Taking turns: reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions .  Journal of Experimental Social Psychology . 2013;49(5):860-6. doi:10.1016/j.jesp.2013.03.017

Kreiner H, Levi-Belz Y. Self-disclosure here and now: combining retrospective perceived assessment with dynamic behavioral measures . Front Psychol . 2019;10:558. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00558

Love Is Respect. What are my boundaries ?

Batson CD. Altruism in Humans . Oxford University Press; 2011.

American Psychological Association. Manage stress: strengthen your support network . Updated October 2019.

Grav S, Hellzèn O, Romild U, Stordal E. Association between social support and depression in the general population: The HUNT study, a cross-sectional survey . J Clin Nurs . 2012;21(1-2):111-20. doi:10.1111/j.1365-2702.2011.03868.x

Crookes DM, Shelton RC, Tehranifar P, et al. Social networks and social support for healthy eating among Latina breast cancer survivors: Implications for social and behavioral interventions . J Cancer Surviv . 2016;10(2):291–301. doi:10.1007/s11764-015-0475-6

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

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• How to Write Your Personal Statement | Strategies & Examples

How to Write Your Personal Statement | Strategies & Examples

Published on February 12, 2019 by Shona McCombes . Revised on July 3, 2023.

A personal statement is a short essay of around 500–1,000 words, in which you tell a compelling story about who you are, what drives you, and why you’re applying.

To write a successful personal statement for a graduate school application , don’t just summarize your experience; instead, craft a focused narrative in your own voice. Aim to demonstrate three things:

• Your personality: what are your interests, values, and motivations?
• Your talents: what can you bring to the program?
• Your goals: what do you hope the program will do for you?

This article guides you through some winning strategies to build a strong, well-structured personal statement for a master’s or PhD application. You can download the full examples below.

Urban Planning Psychology History

Table of contents

Getting started with your personal statement, the introduction: start with an attention-grabbing opening, the main body: craft your narrative, the conclusion: look ahead, revising, editing, and proofreading your personal statement, frequently asked questions, other interesting articles.

Before you start writing, the first step is to understand exactly what’s expected of you. If the application gives you a question or prompt for your personal statement, the most important thing is to respond to it directly.

For example, you might be asked to focus on the development of your personal identity; challenges you have faced in your life; or your career motivations. This will shape your focus and emphasis—but you still need to find your own unique approach to answering it.

There’s no universal template for a personal statement; it’s your chance to be creative and let your own voice shine through. But there are strategies you can use to build a compelling, well-structured story.

The first paragraph of your personal statement should set the tone and lead smoothly into the story you want to tell.

Strategy 1: Open with a concrete scene

An effective way to catch the reader’s attention is to set up a scene that illustrates something about your character and interests. If you’re stuck, try thinking about:

• A personal experience that changed your perspective
• A story from your family’s history
• A memorable teacher or learning experience
• An unusual or unexpected encounter

To write an effective scene, try to go beyond straightforward description; start with an intriguing sentence that pulls the reader in, and give concrete details to create a convincing atmosphere.

Strategy 2: Open with your motivations

To emphasize your enthusiasm and commitment, you can start by explaining your interest in the subject you want to study or the career path you want to follow.

Just stating that it interests you isn’t enough: first, you need to figure out why you’re interested in this field:

• Is it a longstanding passion or a recent discovery?
• Does it come naturally or have you had to work hard at it?
• How does it fit into the rest of your life?
• What do you think it contributes to society?

Tips for the introduction

• Don’t start on a cliche: avoid phrases like “Ever since I was a child…” or “For as long as I can remember…”
• Do save the introduction for last. If you’re struggling to come up with a strong opening, leave it aside, and note down any interesting ideas that occur to you as you write the rest of the personal statement.

Once you’ve set up the main themes of your personal statement, you’ll delve into more detail about your experiences and motivations.

To structure the body of your personal statement, there are various strategies you can use.

Strategy 1: Describe your development over time

One of the simplest strategies is to give a chronological overview of key experiences that have led you to apply for graduate school.

• What first sparked your interest in the field?
• Which classes, assignments, classmates, internships, or other activities helped you develop your knowledge and skills?
• Where do you want to go next? How does this program fit into your future plans?

Don’t try to include absolutely everything you’ve done—pick out highlights that are relevant to your application. Aim to craft a compelling narrative that shows how you’ve changed and actively developed yourself.

My interest in psychology was first sparked early in my high school career. Though somewhat scientifically inclined, I found that what interested me most was not the equations we learned about in physics and chemistry, but the motivations and perceptions of my fellow students, and the subtle social dynamics that I observed inside and outside the classroom. I wanted to learn how our identities, beliefs, and behaviours are shaped through our interactions with others, so I decided to major in Social Psychology. My undergraduate studies deepened my understanding of, and fascination with, the interplay between an individual mind and its social context.During my studies, I acquired a solid foundation of knowledge about concepts like social influence and group dynamics, but I also took classes on various topics not strictly related to my major. I was particularly interested in how other fields intersect with psychology—the classes I took on media studies, biology, and literature all enhanced my understanding of psychological concepts by providing different lenses through which to look at the issues involved.

Strategy 2: Own your challenges and obstacles

If your path to graduate school hasn’t been easy or straightforward, you can turn this into a strength, and structure your personal statement as a story of overcoming obstacles.

• Is your social, cultural or economic background underrepresented in the field? Show how your experiences will contribute a unique perspective.
• Do you have gaps in your resume or lower-than-ideal grades? Explain the challenges you faced and how you dealt with them.

Don’t focus too heavily on negatives, but use them to highlight your positive qualities. Resilience, resourcefulness and perseverance make you a promising graduate school candidate.

Growing up working class, urban decay becomes depressingly familiar. The sight of a row of abandoned houses does not surprise me, but it continues to bother me. Since high school, I have been determined to pursue a career in urban planning. While people of my background experience the consequences of urban planning decisions first-hand, we are underrepresented in the field itself. Ironically, given my motivation, my economic background has made my studies challenging. I was fortunate enough to be awarded a scholarship for my undergraduate studies, but after graduation I took jobs in unrelated fields to help support my parents. In the three years since, I have not lost my ambition. Now I am keen to resume my studies, and I believe I can bring an invaluable perspective to the table: that of the people most impacted by the decisions of urban planners.

Strategy 3: Demonstrate your knowledge of the field

Especially if you’re applying for a PhD or another research-focused program, it’s a good idea to show your familiarity with the subject and the department. Your personal statement can focus on the area you want to specialize in and reflect on why it matters to you.

• Reflect on the topics or themes that you’ve focused on in your studies. What draws you to them?
• Discuss any academic achievements, influential teachers, or other highlights of your education.
• Talk about the questions you’d like to explore in your research and why you think they’re important.

The personal statement isn’t a research proposal , so don’t go overboard on detail—but it’s a great opportunity to show your enthusiasm for the field and your capacity for original thinking.

In applying for this research program, my intention is to build on the multidisciplinary approach I have taken in my studies so far, combining knowledge from disparate fields of study to better understand psychological concepts and issues. The Media Psychology program stands out to me as the perfect environment for this kind of research, given its researchers’ openness to collaboration across diverse fields. I am impressed by the department’s innovative interdisciplinary projects that focus on the shifting landscape of media and technology, and I hope that my own work can follow a similarly trailblazing approach. More specifically, I want to develop my understanding of the intersection of psychology and media studies, and explore how media psychology theories and methods might be applied to neurodivergent minds. I am interested not only in media psychology but also in psychological disorders, and how the two interact. This is something I touched on during my undergraduate studies and that I’m excited to delve into further.

Strategy 4: Discuss your professional ambitions

Especially if you’re applying for a more professionally-oriented program (such as an MBA), it’s a good idea to focus on concrete goals and how the program will help you achieve them.

• If your career is just getting started, show how your character is suited to the field, and explain how graduate school will help you develop your talents.
• If you have already worked in the profession, show what you’ve achieved so far, and explain how the program will allow you to take the next step.
• If you are planning a career change, explain what has driven this decision and how your existing experience will help you succeed.

Don’t just state the position you want to achieve. You should demonstrate that you’ve put plenty of thought into your career plans and show why you’re well-suited to this profession.

One thing that fascinated me about the field during my undergraduate studies was the sheer number of different elements whose interactions constitute a person’s experience of an urban environment. Any number of factors could transform the scene I described at the beginning: What if there were no bus route? Better community outreach in the neighborhood? Worse law enforcement? More or fewer jobs available in the area? Some of these factors are out of the hands of an urban planner, but without taking them all into consideration, the planner has an incomplete picture of their task. Through further study I hope to develop my understanding of how these disparate elements combine and interact to create the urban environment. I am interested in the social, psychological and political effects our surroundings have on our lives. My studies will allow me to work on projects directly affecting the kinds of working-class urban communities I know well. I believe I can bring my own experiences, as well as my education, to bear upon the problem of improving infrastructure and quality of life in these communities.

Tips for the main body

• Don’t rehash your resume by trying to summarize everything you’ve done so far; the personal statement isn’t about listing your academic or professional experience, but about reflecting, evaluating, and relating it to broader themes.
• Do make your statements into stories: Instead of saying you’re hard-working and self-motivated, write about your internship where you took the initiative to start a new project. Instead of saying you’ve always loved reading, reflect on a novel or poem that changed your perspective.

Your conclusion should bring the focus back to the program and what you hope to get out of it, whether that’s developing practical skills, exploring intellectual questions, or both.

Emphasize the fit with your specific interests, showing why this program would be the best way to achieve your aims.

Strategy 1: What do you want to know?

If you’re applying for a more academic or research-focused program, end on a note of curiosity: what do you hope to learn, and why do you think this is the best place to learn it?

If there are specific classes or faculty members that you’re excited to learn from, this is the place to express your enthusiasm.

Strategy 2: What do you want to do?

If you’re applying for a program that focuses more on professional training, your conclusion can look to your career aspirations: what role do you want to play in society, and why is this program the best choice to help you get there?

Tips for the conclusion

• Don’t summarize what you’ve already said. You have limited space in a personal statement, so use it wisely!
• Do think bigger than yourself: try to express how your individual aspirations relate to your local community, your academic field, or society more broadly. It’s not just about what you’ll get out of graduate school, but about what you’ll be able to give back.

You’ll be expected to do a lot of writing in graduate school, so make a good first impression: leave yourself plenty of time to revise and polish the text.

Your style doesn’t have to be as formal as other kinds of academic writing, but it should be clear, direct and coherent. Make sure that each paragraph flows smoothly from the last, using topic sentences and transitions to create clear connections between each part.

Don’t be afraid to rewrite and restructure as much as necessary. Since you have a lot of freedom in the structure of a personal statement, you can experiment and move information around to see what works best.

Finally, it’s essential to carefully proofread your personal statement and fix any language errors. Before you submit your application, consider investing in professional personal statement editing . For $150, you have the peace of mind that your personal statement is grammatically correct, strong in term of your arguments, and free of awkward mistakes.

A statement of purpose is usually more formal, focusing on your academic or professional goals. It shouldn’t include anything that isn’t directly relevant to the application.

A personal statement can often be more creative. It might tell a story that isn’t directly related to the application, but that shows something about your personality, values, and motivations.

However, both types of document have the same overall goal: to demonstrate your potential as a graduate student and s how why you’re a great match for the program.

The typical length of a personal statement for graduate school applications is between 500 and 1,000 words.

Different programs have different requirements, so always check if there’s a minimum or maximum length and stick to the guidelines. If there is no recommended word count, aim for no more than 1-2 pages.

If you’re applying to multiple graduate school programs, you should tailor your personal statement to each application.

Some applications provide a prompt or question. In this case, you might have to write a new personal statement from scratch: the most important task is to respond to what you have been asked.

If there’s no prompt or guidelines, you can re-use the same idea for your personal statement – but change the details wherever relevant, making sure to emphasize why you’re applying to this specific program.

If the application also includes other essays, such as a statement of purpose , you might have to revise your personal statement to avoid repeating the same information.

If you want to know more about college essays , academic writing , and AI tools , make sure to check out some of our other language articles with explanations, examples, and quizzes.

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• Relationships

The 10 Most Important Dimensions of All Relationships

These relationship measures could tell you whether or not yours is healthy..

Posted April 12, 2024 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer

• Why Relationships Matter
• Find counselling to strengthen relationships
• All relationships leave some kind of scar.
• The past should only be used to debrief, never to rehash.
• Holding on to grudges or disappointments will keep partners stuck.
• Every person needs to be challenged and curious.

Relationships are living entities. They move backward and forward in time. They evolve and decay; they can die and can be reborn. They can become locked in by their limitations or transformed beyond them.

You can evaluate your relationship regularly using the following ten most important dimensions. They can tell you whether your partnership is healthy or on a problematic trajectory, and they can give you the chance to change what may be lacking or increase what is needed to get your relationship back on track.

Read through them with your partner and share your responses with each other. Talk about where you agree and where you see things differently.

1. Scarring and Expanding

All relationships scar. No matter how much you care for each other, you are bound to make mistakes and cause distress to your relationship. Physical or emotional scar tissue is benign. It can no longer take in nourishment or give up its toxicity. But relationships can also grow beyond their scarring, surrounding those dead places with potential for new growth.

There are four combinations of scarring and growth in a relationship. High scarring and low growing. Low scarring and low growing. High scarring and high growing. Low scarring and high growing. Of the four combinations, the last combination predicts the best relationship outcome.

2. Deepening

Relationships will deepen or become superficial. Maintaining sincere curiosity in your partner’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, frustrations, and new desires is crucial. When you think you know each other so well that you don’t have to keep exploring each other anymore, your relationship is moving toward parallel roommates rather than intimate lovers. Don’t be fooled by easy compatibility.

3. Using Past Mistakes to Create a Better Future

Focusing on past errors by continuously rehashing is bad news for any possibility of a different future. The past should only be used to debrief, never to rehash. What did we do that was not good for us? How can we do it better next time? Are we accepting accountability or just blaming the other? Are we seeking options rather than accepting our limitations? The past will define the future for you if you do not use it to plan a different way of being together.

4. Resilience

How is your bounce-back capability? Do you get stuck in the same relationship-destructive negativity for long periods of time, or can you come back more quickly to rectify and start over? Resilience in an individual, as well as in relationships, is a positive quality. Holding on to grudges or disappointments, no matter how legitimate, will keep you stuck.

5. Flexibility

Relationships that are limited to one-way responses and repeated reactions cannot evolve. Like any living entity, relationships that are rigid can’t move beyond what they have always been. Unexpected conflicts will always arise. Losses cannot be predicted. Can you bend with challenges and jettison old patterns when you need to open up to new ways of being?

6. Welcoming Challenge

No relationship path is smooth. Unexpected losses or temptations to quit are options for you at any time. A great team is not only ready to alter perceptions and learn new skills, but to welcome them. The need for security can often be a saboteur of growth when you most need to take the risks that will strengthen your capabilities as a team. When new challenges come, can you use them to deepen and strengthen your bond?

7. Maintaining Intrigue

Same-old, same-old is a harbinger of boredom and a warning bell. If you feel that excitement, passion, or interest in each other is waning, you will be more susceptible to seeking that elsewhere. Every person needs to be challenged and curious. If you continue to be predictable, known entities, your partners will stop being interested in you. Your connections will become less frequent and last for shorter times. “I know what you’re thinking, so I don’t need to ask or delve further" means you don’t share anymore.

8. Staying Open to Restructuring

Relationships that go on and on in the same way, dealing with life’s distractions and challenges as they always have, become dead-ends for the possibilities of transformation and new directions. Even if things seem to be okay, you must commit to continued growth and transformation, both personally and in your relationships. Are you continually challenging each other to be the best people you can be? If you are a more interesting and alive person outside the relationship, you may be headed in the wrong direction.

9. Withstanding Storms and Growing From Them

Life can sometimes be overwhelming and difficult. People get sick. Families change in their availability. Friends move away. Jobs are lost. Depression and anxiety can overuse resources. The abuse of drugs or alcohol can destroy intimacy . Successful relationships know how to use their resources when they’re in trouble and how to delegate fairly. If you aren’t learning from your stormy times and loving each other through them, you may find yourselves defeated by them the next time they arise.

10. Feeling It's Worth It

Relationships are investments of time, energy, money, availability, and love. Like any investment, if they cost more over time than they can return, they will likely become less important to one or both of you. Do you feel like your relationship is still paying off more often than not? Are your expectations in line with probabilities? Can you focus more attention on the positives of the relationship to change the way you experience it?

All of these dimensions are open to challenge and change. Many times, the partners in committed relationships have just paid attention to reevaluation and restructuring and, once faced with awareness, can readily get things working again.

Randi Gunther, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor in Southern California.

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Beyond Intractability

The Hyper-Polarization Challenge to the Conflict Resolution Field: A Joint BI/CRQ Discussion BI and the Conflict Resolution Quarterly invite you to participate in an online exploration of what those with conflict and peacebuilding expertise can do to help defend liberal democracies and encourage them live up to their ideals.

Follow BI and the Hyper-Polarization Discussion on BI's New Substack Newsletter .

Hyper-Polarization, COVID, Racism, and the Constructive Conflict Initiative Read about (and contribute to) the  Constructive Conflict Initiative  and its associated Blog —our effort to assemble what we collectively know about how to move beyond our hyperpolarized politics and start solving society's problems. 

By Michelle Maiese

September 2003  

The Importance of Relationships

One of the terrible costs of intractable conflict is the resulting damage to relationships. Protracted conflict strains relationships and makes it difficult for parties to recognize that they share common needs and goals. Fear , anger , and hostility become the norms of interaction, causing adversaries to become distrustful and suspicious of each other's actions. Parties caught in protracted conflict also tend to form negative stereotypes and enemy images and to dehumanize members of the opposing group. Those excluded from the scope of morality are typically viewed as inferior, evil, or criminal.[1] Such conditions often lead to feelings of intense hatred and alienation among conflicting parties. The more severe the conflict, the more the psychological distance between groups will widen. Previously unthinkable forms of abuse, such as rape, torture, or genocide , become psychologically acceptable. Once extreme human-rights violations have been committed, re-establishing "normal" relationships becomes very difficult. Extremely hostile relationships tend to persist and shape the interactions of generations to come, making such conflicts all the more intractable.

However, human relationships also have the power to defuse conflict and make it easier to resolve. In fact, establishing personal relationships is often an integral component of de-escalation , peacebuilding , and reconciliation . Conflicts cannot be genuinely transformed unless the adversaries are tied together with some sense of unity and commonality.

How Relationships Help Defuse Intractable Conflicts

First, establishing personal relationships with people on the other side of the conflict can help lessen many of the problems related to conflict escalation . This is because personal relationships humanize adversaries, improve communication , and increase the general level of mutual understanding and trust . As individuals get to know each other, they are more able to recognize and acknowledge the other side's grievances . This allows for the development of feelings of sympathy and empathy , which tend to inhibit hostile activity and open up opportunities for de-escalation .[2] It also reduces the likelihood that destructive misunderstandings will arise. In addition, programs that systematically establish positive personal relationships between contending parties are key in blocking the psychological process of dehumanization . This is because friendly contact helps adversaries to break down stereotypes and see the "enemy" as a real, living, feeling person. It may also contribute to increased tolerance among highly diverse groups. Indeed, relationships that cut across ethnic, religious, or cultural lines help to combat the effects of narrow identity groups and harsh intolerance, and move individuals toward a wider sense of social identity.[3]

Once this change of attitude has taken place, the parties can begin to develop a sense of mutual understanding and trust. Although they may still have divergent interests or unmet needs, they can begin to approach these issues through cooperation rather than by competing with or trying to destroy each other. Parties are less likely to use violence or inflict grave harm on those with whom they have had empathic personal contact.[4] They are also more able to contain any inflammatory issues that arise, through the development and pursuit of shared goals.[5] And once conflict has ended, parties who have forged personal relationships will find it easier to envision their shared future and rebuild their society.

Establishing relationships can also be a forerunner to official negotiations and conflict resolution. If negotiators view themselves as adversaries in a face-to-face confrontation, each side tends to become defensive and reactive. If, on the other hand, negotiators build personal relationships with those on the other side, they will find that many of the problems associated with strong emotions and poor communication are much easier to manage.[6] Indeed, a very important attribute of a good negotiator is the ability to be friendly and establish personal relationships with others. Rather than immediately getting down to business, successful negotiators should try to make the other party feel comfortable. For example, before formal meetings, negotiators should try to find ways to get to know those on the other side, and perhaps meet them informally so that they have time to chat.[7] Informal social gatherings or meetings give adversaries an opportunity to get to know each other as human beings who share similar interests and values.[8]

Establishing personal relationships paves the way for more cooperative negotiation dynamics. Parties who develop social bonds often have a sense that the other group's beliefs and values are similar to their own, and more likely to frame issues as mutual problems.[9] If their relationship with the other side is important to them, they are more likely to refrain from personal attacks and instead build on the other side's ideas. In this way, personal relationships help negotiators to find common ground , which is helpful in successfully transforming conflicts. If the negotiators get to know each other, they may discover commonalities and establish new bonds. The more similarities they find, the more receptive they will be to each other's messages and efforts at persuasion .[10] In addition, when dealing with someone with whom they have a personal relationship, negotiators are less prone to misunderstandings and more likely to trust the other side. In part this is because they are less likely to attribute diabolical intentions to someone they know personally.[11] Friendliness, empathy , and sensitivity are all connected to the ability to see others accurately, be aware of what they are feeling, and be sensitive to the circumstances that shape what they do. Finally, personal relationships help to enhance genuine concern about the other party's outcomes in negotiation, which in turn contributes to effective integrative bargaining .[12]

Opportunities for Establishing Personal Relationships

Crosscutting relations that connect nations or subgroups of society are crucial in overcoming divisive in-group/out-group distinctions and damaging stereotypes. They involve the opportunity for members of opposing groups to spend time together, work together, play together, and even live together for extended periods of time.[13] In most cases, the more opportunities that people have to develop personal relationships with their adversaries, the easier it will be for them to resolve their conflict. Various groups, networks, and organizations including persons from the opposing sides can help bring people together in a positive, cooperative way.[14] For example, business interactions, trade unions, and professional meetings often increase positive contact between adversaries. Likewise, educational, cultural, and scientific exchanges can be helpful in forging ties between people from different groups or nations. Other opportunities for establishing personal relationships include interfaith and interethnic dialogue groups, problem-solving workshops , joint projects , prejudice -reduction workshops, and sporting events.

In some cases, parties caught in conflict may be unwilling to formally negotiate because they don't want to compromise their deeply held values. However, in dialogue groups, the objective is developing mutual understanding and positive relationships rather than pressuring parties to change their views. Dialogue groups and problem-solving workshops help parties to develop common understandings and recognize their shared interests and needs.[15] Both processes involve small sets of people, often mid-level academic, political, religious, and business leaders, who get together to discuss various aspects of their struggle. These nonofficial meetings open up new channels of communication and, in the case of the problem-solving workshops, allow parties to explore possible solutions to their problems.[16] (Dialogue usually does not seek solutions, just better understandings.) Both of these processes are carried out under the norms of mutual respect and shared exploration and should give participants an opportunity to get to know each other as people.[17] As people explore their thoughts and feelings, they usually discover that those on the other side are feeling the same way. This gives them an incentive to address the issue in a way that respects the feelings of people on both sides of the conflict.

Independent of any joint problem solving, disputants can also work together on joint projects. These projects are typically local-scale activities, performed by members of two or more groups that presently are or previously have been in conflict with one another. The activities allow individuals from opposing sides of a conflict to encounter one another in a conflict-free zone of cooperation. They give parties the experience of working together on shared goals.[18] The idea is that if opponents can be brought together in some cooperative endeavor in which they are forced to depend on each other, they will begin to break down their negative stereotypes and build positive relationships. Parties who have learned to work together on such projects are in a better position to solve the problems related to their conflict.

Joint projects can focus on many different kinds of goals. These might include improving living conditions and community infrastructure, protection of the environment, and improvement of economic prospects.[19] Examples of joint projects include rebuilding war-damaged houses, buildings, or roads, or developing joint educational efforts. In another type of project, groups may participate in multi-day trips in the wilderness, where participants depend on each other for food, shelter, and navigation. These moderately stressful experiences can draw people together very quickly and build trust between adversaries. Finally, teams that include members from both sides can work together to prepare a meal, arrange an excursion, or participate in sporting events.[20] While athletic events are competitive, they have a set of rules that require fair play, mutual respect, and cooperation.

The advantage of such projects and activities is that people can interact without having to confront the most difficult aspects of their conflict. Because the focus of joint projects is building institutions that have positive meaning or use for both sides, such as houses, schools, parks, and hospitals, the parties are able to see that they share common interests. Throughout the process as a whole, participants have the opportunity to increase communication and create lasting relationships.

Finally, special trust-building programs and prejudice -reduction workshops bring together people from different groups to help them develop a better mutual understanding and build trust. At the workshop level, facilitators can help people explore their stereotypes, and learn to communicate with each other in a more open, trusting, and receptive way. Other programs to build trust and combat prejudice include special educational programs, community conferences, and cultural festivals.[21] By coming together and realizing that the people on the other side really are human, adversaries can discover areas of commonality that lead to better relationships, effective communication, and conflict transformation .

[1] Susan Opotow, "Aggression and Violence," in The Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice , eds. M. Deutsch and P.T. Coleman. (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000), 417.

[2] Louis Kriesberg, Constructive Conflicts: From Escalation to Resolution , (Maryland: Rowman and Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 1998), 184.

[3] David A. Hamburg, "Preventing Contemporary Intergroup Violence," in The Handbook for Interethnic Coexistence , ed. Eugene Weiner, 27-39. (New York: Continuum Publishing, 1998), 38.

[4] Hamburg , 38.

[5] Kriesberg, 189.

[6] Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, 2nd edition, (New York: Penguin Books, 1991), 36.

[7] Ibid., 37.

[8] Morton Deutsch, "Cooperation and Competition," in The Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice, eds. Morton Deutsch and Peter Coleman, pp. 21-40. (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, Inc., 2000), 36.

[9] Deutsch, 25.

[10] Roy Lewicki, David Saunders, and John Minton, Negotiation , 3 rd edition. (Boston: McGraw-Hill, 1999), 202.

[11] Fisher, Ury, and Patton, 37.

[12] Dean G. Pruitt, "Strategic Choice in Negotiation," pp. 27-46, in Negotiation Theory and Practice , eds. J. William Breslin and Jeffrey Z. Rubin, (Cambridge: Program on Negotiation Books, 1991), 33.

[13] Hamburg, 38.

[14] Kriesberg, 205.

[15] Kriesberg, 214.

[16] Ibid., 233-4.

[17] Ronald J. Fisher, "Intergroup Conflict," pp. 166-184, in The Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice , eds. M. Deutsch and P.T. Coleman. (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).

[18] Hamburg , 38.

[19] Ibid., 32.

[20] Kriesberg, 226.

[21] Stephen Ryan, "Peace-Building and Conflict Transformation," Chapter in Ethnic Conflict and International Relations, (Dartmouth: Dartmouth Publishing, 1995), pp. 129-152. S ummary available at: http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/example/ryan7470.htm .

Use the following to cite this article: Maiese, Michelle. "Establishment of Personal Relationships." Beyond Intractability . Eds. Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess. Conflict Information Consortium, University of Colorado, Boulder. Posted: September 2003 < http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/personal-relationships >.

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Kurt Cobain and Me: The Gen X poster child and rock legend is my Gen Z hero, too

My parents love nirvana, too. but i have my own relationship with cobain's music and persona, by gabriella ferrigine.

The boys spilled out of the locker room in a gnashing horde.

They pitched their bodies into the air and flung clumps of sweaty hair from their faces, headbanging in line with the stomping bass that had just cracked across the gym’s sound system. 

Full of flowing hormones and covered in dried sweat, the entirety of my high school gym class began to move to the music — each individual in their own way — enraptured by its energy and still thrumming with adrenaline from 2v2 basketball scrimmages. 

For a few fleeting minutes, social stratification was entirely dismantled by one rotating guitar riff. Sports jocks, guys who stuffed their bottom lip with dip in the back of class, girls who smelled like vanilla and bright artificial fruit, and reticent wallflowers, all churning together.

By the time the bell rang, prodding us toward precalc or a quiz on “The Sound and the Fury,” it did, in fact, smell like teen spirit. 

We filed out of the gym, buzzing and bedraggled. A shared ecstasy lingered, if only until the next period began. 

Experiencing that subtle, shimmering solidarity, the threading of different social subgroups together, is intrinsic to my attachment — as a member of Gen Z , not X — to Kurt Cobain, frontman of the iconic '90s grunge rock band Nirvana. 

Since the genesis of the band in 1987 — and Cobain’s subsequent, seismic fame, then tragic death by suicide — he’s functioned as something of a talismanic leader for generations of morose, angsty and disaffected fans. Some of this posthumous cultural longevity is surely due to his premature death, which preserved him in amber, devoid of a flop era and safe from cancellable offense. But that doesn't entirely explain his enduring appeal. Cobain’s emotional melancholy is something members of Gen Z — widely understood as prone to trauma-dumping on the internet and hyper-sensitivity — can find particularly relatable. 

Raised by Gen X parents like mine whose early adulthoods were largely defined by Nirvana and Cobain, his music became part of a shared, familial identity they could pass down to us. In a recent essay for The Guardian, writer Hannah Ewens opines that “Just as the Beatles defined the construct of a rock band, Nirvana redefined what a band was — both in the public consciousness and to other musicians: unpretentious, tough and sensitive, embraced by the system while threatening it.” It's not particularly rebellious to embrace your parents' definition of good music, but over time, I forged my own relationship with Kurt Cobain, distinct from theirs. 

In all honestly, I’ve always felt several standard deviations away from what feels normal (an entirely subjective term). I know this sounds moderately insufferable, but bear with me. My life has been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. And yet, setting aside personal conflicts and a heady amalgam of ADHD and anxiety, much of it has also felt very different to me than how it’s appeared outwardly to others. I don’t have a complex, philosophical explanation for this discrepancy. I don’t think you always need one. Cobain's music gives me a language for reconciling my own contradictions. We aren't the same by any means: I've had no meteoric rise to fame, no heroin addiction. But there was still a person named Kurt before all that happened to him. 

During my first years of college, like many, I struggled with finding my sense of self. Flush with insecurities of every kind, I tried on different personalities (and some bad outfits) in an effort to, if not wholly reinvent myself, at least discover something about myself that I actually liked or felt secure about. It was a process that ultimately backfired — by trying to be someone I wasn’t, I inadvertently jettisoned some of the most fundamentally defining pieces of myself. And all the while, I was still as sullen and angsty as ever. That all changed on Christmas Day, 2018, when my parents gave me my first pair of Doc Marten boots. 

Laugh if you will, but getting my Docs was like finding my glass slipper. At nearly 6 feet tall, I’d always felt something like Cinderella’s stepsisters, trying to cram my oversized foot into a tiny, dainty, acceptably pretty and interesting shoe. I wear them most days now. Aside from being comfortable, they're equipped with a steel-toed tenacity ideal for navigating New York’s perpetually crusty streets. 

And yes, Docs were a subcultural fashion item of the ‘90s — my dad still owns the pair he wore moshing at a Nirvana show with my mom at the now-shuttered Roseland Ballroom in New York in 1993. While Cobain wore Converse for that particular performance, I’m certain he laced up his boots often too. I often find myself gravitating toward those looks: slouchy pants, oversized jackets and knitwear, the occasional grandpa cardigan. As I’ve grown older, I’ve become increasingly confident in myself and my fashion choices, aware that the old adage is true: What you wear is truly a reflection of who you are. I’m sure that’s what Cobain was trying to convey every time he opted for a skirt or floral-patterned dress for a live performance. That has always been an inspiring exemplar of unabashed confidence to me.

But carrying yourself with confidence in public doesn’t necessarily equate to comfort with — or suitability for — fame, as Cobain's conflicted relationship to the celebrity status that accompanied his artistic success showed me. Regardless of whether he sought to be an international star before it happened, the “slings and arrows” of fame that writer Michael Azerrad wrote about in part for the 2021 New Yorker essay, “My Time With Kurt Cobain,” underpinned the rocker’s mental and emotional health struggles. 

It's not particularly rebellious to embrace your parents' definition of good music, but over time, I forged my own relationship with Kurt Cobain, distinct from theirs. 

In all likelihood, I’ll never be famous, and that’s OK. It’s not exactly something I aspire toward. But the essence of Cobain’s fame has always been incredibly relatable to me. There’s something so vulnerable and real — in an attention economy that demands performance from us all — about someone trying to keep a firm foothold in two warring worlds simultaneously, straddling the ever-oscillating line of what the public sees and what it can't. (“I’m not like them, but I can pretend,” resonates.)

This tension that seems innately bound into Cobain's persona — and Nirvana more broadly — is accurately reflected in the band’s lyrics. Dark, atmospheric themes abound — anger, personal struggles, violence, real and figurative — and while the sometimes disturbing subject matter can be difficult to take, I found the messages braided into them intriguing. His lyrics reflected Cobain’s chaos and mystique, which is to say, I didn’t necessarily understand them all, especially as a kid. All I knew was — mingled with his raspy voice and the band’s splintering sounds — they made me feel at an entirely unprecedented level. And some latent part of me was drawn to that brooding sentiment.

It came as no surprise to me when I learned that he was also a Pisces. 

Whether you believe in astrological signs or find it all to be a bit hokey, I find that Cobain embodied the compassion, sensitivity and emotional profundity that have come to be associated with the symbol of two fish swimming in opposite directions. That division between fantasy and reality — a liminal space I constantly turn to — is one that Cobain ostensibly occupied just as frequently. It’s something like the Vitruvian man, constantly splayed in different directions by our thoughts and ever-shifting emotions. It’s an identity Cobain internalized so intensely that he even carried it with him into his death in April of 1994, writing in his suicide note that he was a “sad little, sensitive, unappreciative Pisces, Jesus man.”

I’ve always known that finding comfort in the music and fashion of my parents’ generation, specifically the elements of it that have since become canonical, is a byproduct of my close-knit and large immediate family. It’s an idiosyncratic, shared existence — something that makes me feel comforted and protective at once. And yet, I’m my own person. While I would be remiss to ignore the inescapability of influence, my relationship with Cobain and his work could never precisely mirror theirs. And I think that’s part of his legacy. He was able to transcend space and time so seamlessly, so acutely, that his aura — which has spoken to my mom and dad for nearly 40 years — now screams to me from a stage set in an entirely different void. 

So consider me influenced, if that’s what becoming secure in my tastes and personhood means. I won’t be running from that anytime soon. 

If you are in crisis, please call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

about Nirvana

• I'm not like them, but I can pretend (Obviously, this is an essay about Kurt Cobain and Nirvana)
• Kurt Cobain's daughter marks the 30th anniversary of his death with a loving tribute
• "Nevermind" 30 years on — how Nirvana's second album tilted the world on its axis

Gabriella Ferrigine is a staff writer at Salon. Originally from the Jersey Shore, she moved to New York City in 2016 to attend Columbia University, where she received her B.A. in English and M.A. in American Studies. Formerly a staff writer at NowThis News, she has an M.A. in Magazine Journalism from NYU and was previously a news fellow at Salon.

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The pursuit of personal and organizational excellence.

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Dr. Akin Akinpelu is the CEO of Akin Akinpelu Learning & Development Company. He can be reached via [email protected].

In the pursuit of excellence, there is a symbiotic relationship in which one's success, both individually and organizationally, invariably benefits the other. Personal and organizational excellence are not separate concepts, but rather interconnected components of a broader whole, each dependent on the other for long-term growth and achievement.

As the adage goes, "Excellence is not a little thing, but little things make excellence.” Excellence is a multidimensional concept that represents the highest level of quality, success and performance. It goes beyond mediocrity and is associated with mastery, distinction and authority in a specific topic or effort. It signifies the never-ending pursuit of greatness, defined by outstanding results, remarkable effort and an unrelenting dedication to constant progress.

Understanding Personal Excellence

Personal excellence refers to the ongoing quest for self-improvement, mastery and fulfillment in every area of life. It entails developing a growth mindset, setting ambitious goals and sharpening skills and competencies to achieve your fullest potential. Personal excellence is fundamentally about striving for greatness in both professional and personal pursuits, fuelled by a never-ending dedication to self-discovery and growth.

Personal excellence is affected by six factors:

• Skill sets and passion

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Key components of personal excellence include:

• Self-awareness: Knowing one's strengths, flaws, values and motives is critical for personal development and success. Self-aware people are better able to set meaningful goals, make informed decisions and negotiate challenges efficiently.

• Goal-setting and planning: Setting specific, attainable goals provides direction and purpose, leading actions and decisions toward desired outcomes. Effective goal setting includes defining SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound) objectives and devising action plans to attain them.

• Continuous learning and growth: Having a lifetime learning mentality promotes personal growth and development. Whether through formal schooling, professional development programs or self-directed learning activities, a commitment to continual growth is critical for remaining relevant and adaptable in a fast-changing world.

• Resilience and adaptability: Resilience is the ability to recover from failures, overcome challenges and prosper in the face of adversity. Cultivating resilience entails learning coping strategies, maintaining a good attitude and viewing change as an opportunity for progress.

• Wellness and work-life balance: Prioritizing well-being and developing a healthy work-life balance are critical for maintaining personal greatness. Taking care of one's physical, mental and emotional health gives people the energy and resilience they need to function well, both professionally and personally.

Organizational Excellence

As Haim Berman is credited with saying, “Organizational excellence is not about the management of quality. It is about the quality of management.” Organizational excellence is the constant pursuit of outstanding performance, innovation and value generation. It entails fostering an excellence culture in which every person in the organization is empowered to give their all and work together to achieve common goals. It deals with:

• People: The quality of your team
• Process: The efficiency of your processes
• Product: The effectiveness of your product

Key components of organizational excellence include:

• Visionary leadership: Effective leadership is critical for generating organizational performance. Visionary leaders express a compelling vision, set high-performance expectations and motivate others to excel. They promote a culture of trust, collaboration and accountability, allowing employees to accept responsibility for their work and contribute to the organization's success.

• Strategic planning and execution: Creating and implementing a cohesive strategic plan is critical to meeting corporate goals and objectives. To achieve long-term growth and competitive advantage, organizations should integrate their vision, mission and values with strategic priorities and efficiently allocate resources.

• High-performance culture: Creating a high-performance culture necessitates a constant emphasis on continual improvement, innovation and excellence. Organizations should develop a culture of learning, experimentation and agility, encouraging people to question the status quo, take prudent risks and drive innovation at all levels.

• Employee engagement and development: Employees who are engaged and empowered drive company success. Organizations should invest in employee development, give chances for growth and progress and foster a supportive workplace culture in which employees feel appreciated, motivated and committed to attaining common goals.

• Customer focus and value creation: I'm reminded of another quote: “Organizational excellence is very costly, but its dividends are very massive." Prioritizing customer demands and providing great value is essential for establishing organizational performance. To continually meet and exceed consumer expectations, organizations must listen to their input, anticipate changing market trends and innovate.

The Relationship Between Personal And Organizational Excellence

Achieving personal and organizational greatness is not a zero-sum game, but rather a mutually reinforcing process in which individual achievement leads to corporate success and vice versa. When people strive for personal greatness, they can bring their best selves to the workplace, which helps foster innovation, collaboration and high performance. Organizations that nurture an excellence culture offer an environment in which employees can thrive, grow and reach their greatest potential.

Personal and organizational excellence are inextricably linked ideas that are required for individual fulfillment and organizational success. Individuals and organizations can build an excellent culture by embracing values such as self-awareness, goal setting, continuous learning, visionary management, strategic planning, employee involvement and customer focus. The pursuit of excellence is a voyage of constant progress and self-discovery, driven by a shared desire for greatness.

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Friendship as a Personal Relationship Essay

In the society it is very common to see that people interact well with some society members and not all. It is therefore, not a miracle to see people always walking and enjoying in groups and chatting while laughing their lungs out. Every person in the world has someone with whom he or she is close to and will be ready to talk his or her mind without fear when they are together.

At institutions of learning or places of work, there are people who are seen always together and closely monitoring each other’s moves. Friendship is more than just being close to one another and entails among other qualities devotion, care, emotional attachment and above all, honesty.

Friendship is an in depth personal interrelationship that is more intimate than an association and in many cases involves emotional attachment. Friends will always desire the best for each other and are ready to take care of each other under any circumstances. A good friend is not just somebody with whom one shares happy moments but also the person who in case of crisis will be the first one to render a helping hand.

Additionally, friends should be ready to share whatever they have with each other and have as minimal secrets as possible that are kept from each other. Though one may have various weaknesses, a good friend points them out honestly and if possible tries to find ways of rectifying them. Friendship does not mean covering up of one’s mistakes and irresponsible behavior; instead it requires direct tackling of any vice that may be present for the benefit of both parties.

A person who is ready to take advantage of any opportunity that may arise as a result of friendship for his or her own selfish motives is not a good friend, because the person is an opportunist and that is a vice as far as friendship is concerned.

Trust is another vital quality of friendship and friend will want to be assured that in case of anything their friends will be able to act on their behalf. It is said that a friend in need is a friend indeed and many people tend to put it that a friend is only that person who can help in times of financial problems, therefore they select their friends based on their social status.

On the contrary, true friendship has been known to be one that is not based on some social issues such as castes and family relationships. As a matter of fact, some of the problems people faces are complicated and financial support is not a solution. In conjunction with that, a person who remembers friendship only when he or she is in need is not a good friend and should be avoided.

Furthermore, friends are concerned about the welfare of one another and will stand by each other during the most difficult times. Friends should be people who are sources of happiness to one another and will not forsake each other even when everybody around is against them. Though friendship can be demanding at times, true friends stick together through thin and thick and they do not keep record of the number of times they have been unhappy for the sake of friendship.

In a nutshell therefore, friends should be a source of security and provide a shoulder to crying on when times are hard. Besides, friends should be ready to share the good fortunes with one another and give one another advice that can make them succeed in life. Friends should also be a source of emotional comfort not trauma to one another, have sympathy for each other and should always be ready to protect their friendship for a good reason.

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IvyPanda. (2019, August 26). Friendship as a Personal Relationship. https://ivypanda.com/essays/friendship-essay/

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1. IvyPanda . "Friendship as a Personal Relationship." August 26, 2019. https://ivypanda.com/essays/friendship-essay/.

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Guest Essay

Elite College Admissions Have Turned Students Into Brands

By Sarah Bernstein

Ms. Bernstein is a playwright, a writing coach and an essayist in Brooklyn.

“I just can’t think of anything,” my student said.

After 10 years of teaching college essay writing, I was familiar with this reply. For some reason, when you’re asked to recount an important experience from your life, it is common to forget everything that has ever happened to you. It’s a long-form version of the anxiety that takes hold at a corporate retreat when you’re invited to say “one interesting thing about yourself,” and you suddenly believe that you are the most boring person in the entire world. Once during a version of this icebreaker, a man volunteered that he had only one kidney, and I remember feeling incredibly jealous of him.

I tried to jog this student’s memory. What about his love of music? Or his experience learning English? Or that time on a summer camping trip when he and his friends had nearly drowned? “I don’t know,” he said with a sigh. “That all seems kind of cliché.”

Applying to college has always been about standing out. When I teach college essay workshops and coach applicants one on one, I see my role as helping students to capture their voice and their way of processing the world, things that are, by definition, unique to each individual. Still, many of my students (and their parents) worry that as getting into college becomes increasingly competitive, this won’t be enough to set them apart.

Their anxiety is understandable. On Thursday, in a tradition known as “Ivy Day,” all eight Ivy League schools released their regular admission decisions. Top colleges often issue statements about how impressive (and competitive) their applicant pools were this cycle. The intention is to flatter accepted students and assuage rejected ones, but for those who have not yet applied to college, these statements reinforce the fear that there is an ever-expanding cohort of applicants with straight A’s and perfect SATs and harrowing camping trip stories all competing with one another for a vanishingly small number of spots.

This scarcity has led to a boom in the college consulting industry, now estimated to be a $2.9 billion business. In recent years, many of these advisers and companies have begun to promote the idea of personal branding — a way for teenagers to distinguish themselves by becoming as clear and memorable as a good tagline.

While this approach often leads to a strong application, students who brand themselves too early or too definitively risk missing out on the kind of exploration that will prepare them for adult life.

Like a corporate brand, the personal brand is meant to distill everything you stand for (honesty, integrity, high quality, low prices) into a cohesive identity that can be grasped at a glance. On its website, a college prep and advising company called Dallas Admissions explains the benefits of branding this way: “Each person is complex, yet admissions officers only have a small amount of time to spend learning about each prospective student. The smart student boils down key aspects of himself or herself into their personal ‘brand’ and sells that to the college admissions officer.”

Identifying the key aspects of yourself may seem like a lifelong project, but unfortunately, college applicants don’t have that kind of time. Online, there are dozens of lesson plans and seminars promising to walk students through the process of branding themselves in five to 10 easy steps. The majority begin with questions I would have found panic-inducing as a teenager, such as, “What is the story you want people to tell about you when you’re not in the room?”

Where I hoped others would describe me as “normal” or, in my wildest dreams, “cool,” today’s teenagers are expected to leave this exercise with labels like, Committed Athlete and Compassionate Leader or Environmentally Conscious Musician. Once students have a draft of their ideal self, they’re offered instructions for manifesting it (or at least, the appearance of it) in person and online. These range from common-sense tips (not posting illegal activity on social media) to more drastic recommendations (getting different friends).

It’s not just that these courses cut corners on self-discovery; it’s that they get the process backward. A personal brand is effective only if you can support it with action, so instead of finding their passion and values through experience, students are encouraged to select a passion as early as possible and then rack up the experience to substantiate it. Many college consultants suggest beginning to align your activities with your college ambitions by ninth grade, while the National Institute of Certified College Planners recommends students “talk with parents, guardians, and/or an academic adviser to create a clear plan for your education and career-related goals” in junior high.

The idea of a group of middle schoolers soberly mapping out their careers is both comical and depressing, but when I read student essays today, I can see that this advice is getting through. Over the past few years, I have been struck by how many high school seniors already have defined career goals as well as a C.V. of relevant extracurriculars to go with them. This widens the gap between wealthy students and those who lack the resources to secure a fancy research gig or start their own small business. (A shocking number of college applicants claim to have started a small business.) It also puts pressure on all students to define themselves at a moment when they are anxious to fit in and yet changing all the time.

In the world of branding, a word that appears again and again is “consistency.” If you are Charmin, that makes sense. People opening a roll of toilet paper do not want to be surprised. If you are a teenage human being, however, that is an unreasonable expectation. Changing one’s interests, opinions and presentation is a natural part of adolescence and an instructive one. I find that my students with scattershot résumés are often the most confident. They’re not afraid to push back against suggestions that ring false and will insist on revising their essay until it actually “feels like me.” On the other hand, many of my most accomplished students are so quick to accept feedback that I am wary of offering it, lest I become one more adult trying to shape them into an admission-worthy ideal.

I understand that for parents, prioritizing exploration can feel like a risky bet. Self-insight is hard to quantify and to communicate in a college application. When it comes to building a life, however, this kind of knowledge has more value than any accolade, and it cannot be generated through a brainstorming exercise in a six-step personal branding course online. To equip kids for the world, we need to provide them not just with opportunities for achievement, but with opportunities to fail, to learn, to wander and to change their minds.

In some ways, the college essay is a microcosm of modern adolescence. Depending on how you look at it, it’s either a forum for self-discovery or a high-stakes test you need to ace. I try to assure my students that it is the former. I tell them that it’s a chance to take stock of everything you’ve experienced and learned over the past 18 years and everything you have to offer as a result.

That can be a profound process. But to embark on it, students have to believe that colleges really want to see the person behind the brand. And they have to have the chance to know who that person is.

Sarah Bernstein is a playwright, a writing coach and an essayist.

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Francis Collins: Why I’m going public with my prostate cancer diagnosis

I served medical research. now it’s serving me. and i don’t want to waste time..

Over my 40 years as a physician-scientist, I’ve had the privilege of advising many patients facing serious medical diagnoses. I’ve seen them go through the excruciating experience of waiting for the results of a critical blood test, biopsy or scan that could dramatically affect their future hopes and dreams.

But this time, I was the one lying in the PET scanner as it searched for possible evidence of spread of my aggressive prostate cancer . I spent those 30 minutes in quiet prayer. If that cancer had already spread to my lymph nodes, bones, lungs or brain, it could still be treated — but it would no longer be curable.

Why am I going public about this cancer that many men are uncomfortable talking about? Because I want to lift the veil and share lifesaving information, and I want all men to benefit from the medical research to which I’ve devoted my career and that is now guiding my care.

Five years before that fateful PET scan, my doctor had noted a slow rise in my PSA, the blood test for prostate-specific antigen. To contribute to knowledge and receive expert care, I enrolled in a clinical trial at the National Institutes of Health, the agency I led from 2009 through late 2021.

At first, there wasn’t much to worry about — targeted biopsies identified a slow-growing grade of prostate cancer that doesn’t require treatment and can be tracked via regular checkups, referred to as “active surveillance.” This initial diagnosis was not particularly surprising. Prostate cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in men in the United States, and about 40 percent of men over age 65 — I’m 73 — have low-grade prostate cancer . Many of them never know it, and very few of them develop advanced disease.

Why am I going public about this cancer that many men are uncomfortable talking about? Because I want to lift the veil and share lifesaving information.

But in my case, things took a turn about a month ago when my PSA rose sharply to 22 — normal at my age is less than 5. An MRI scan showed that the tumor had significantly enlarged and might have even breached the capsule that surrounds the prostate, posing a significant risk that the cancer cells might have spread to other parts of the body.

New biopsies taken from the mass showed transformation into a much more aggressive cancer. When I heard the diagnosis was now a 9 on a cancer-grading scale that goes only to 10, I knew that everything had changed.

Thus, that PET scan, which was ordered to determine if the cancer had spread beyond the prostate, carried high significance. Would a cure still be possible, or would it be time to get my affairs in order? A few hours later, when my doctors showed me the scan results, I felt a rush of profound relief and gratitude. There was no detectable evidence of cancer outside of the primary tumor.

Later this month, I will undergo a radical prostatectomy — a procedure that will remove my entire prostate gland. This will be part of the same NIH research protocol — I want as much information as possible to be learned from my case, to help others in the future.

While there are no guarantees, my doctors believe I have a high likelihood of being cured by the surgery.

My situation is far better than my father’s when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer four decades ago. He was about the same age that I am now, but it wasn’t possible back then to assess how advanced the cancer might be. He was treated with a hormonal therapy that might not have been necessary and had a significant negative impact on his quality of life.

Because of research supported by NIH, along with highly effective collaborations with the private sector, prostate cancer can now be treated with individualized precision and improved outcomes.

As in my case, high-resolution MRI scans can now be used to delineate the precise location of a tumor. When combined with real-time ultrasound, this allows pinpoint targeting of the prostate biopsies. My surgeon will be assisted by a sophisticated robot named for Leonardo da Vinci that employs a less invasive surgical approach than previous techniques, requiring just a few small incisions.

Advances in clinical treatments have been informed by large-scale, rigorously designed trials that have assessed the risks and benefits and were possible because of the willingness of cancer patients to enroll in such trials.

I feel compelled to tell this story openly. I hope it helps someone. I don’t want to waste time.

If my cancer recurs, the DNA analysis that has been carried out on my tumor will guide the precise choice of therapies. As a researcher who had the privilege of leading the Human Genome Project , it is truly gratifying to see how these advances in genomics have transformed the diagnosis and treatment of cancer.

I want all men to have the same opportunity that I did. Prostate cancer is still the No. 2 cancer killer among men. I want the goals of the Cancer Moonshot to be met — to end cancer as we know it. Early detection really matters, and when combined with active surveillance can identify the risky cancers like mine, and leave the rest alone. The five-year relative survival rate for prostate cancer is 97 percent, according to the American Cancer Society , but it’s only 34 percent if the cancer has spread to distant areas of the body.

But lack of information and confusion about the best approach to prostate cancer screening have impeded progress. Currently, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force recommends that all men age 55 to 69 discuss PSA screening with their primary-care physician, but it recommends against starting PSA screening after age 70.

Other groups, like the American Urological Association , suggest that screening should start earlier, especially for men with a family history — like me — and for African American men, who have a higher risk of prostate cancer. But these recommendations are not consistently being followed.

Our health-care system is afflicted with health inequities. For example, the image-guided biopsies are not available everywhere and to everyone. Finally, many men are fearful of the surgical approach to prostate cancer because of the risk of incontinence and impotence, but advances in surgical techniques have made those outcomes considerably less troublesome than in the past. Similarly, the alternative therapeutic approaches of radiation and hormonal therapy have seen significant advances.

A little over a year ago, while I was praying for a dying friend, I had the experience of receiving a clear and unmistakable message. This has almost never happened to me. It was just this: “Don’t waste your time, you may not have much left.” Gulp.

Having now received a diagnosis of aggressive prostate cancer and feeling grateful for all the ways I have benefited from research advances, I feel compelled to tell this story openly. I hope it helps someone. I don’t want to waste time.

Francis S. Collins served as director of the National Institutes of Health from 2009 to 2021 and as director of the National Human Genome Research Institute at NIH from 1993 to 2008. He is a physician-geneticist and leads a White House initiative to eliminate hepatitis C in the United States, while also continuing to pursue his research interests as a distinguished NIH investigator.

An earlier version of this article said prostate cancer is the No. 2 killer of men. It is the No. 2 cause of cancer death among men. The article has been updated.

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