hilarious essay topics

371 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics for 2024

Writing an argumentative essay is not the funniest thing to do. Even so, there are ways to ease this process and make it less strained – choose a catchy topic! Dive into the article and find some funny argumentative essay topics for your assignment.

Our team worked very hard to develop more than 200 funny essay topics for you. We hope you’ll enjoy these humor essay topics, but keep in mind that writing an essay is not all fun and games. It requires concentration and some analysis.

⚠️ BONUS: tips on the most efficient argumentative essay outlines ⚠️

🔝 Top 12 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics

🔖 Argumentative Topics 2024
🗂️ Essay Outline
⚔️ Topics to Debate on
🍂 Easy Topics
🪂 Chill Topics
🔥 Hot Topics
🤔 Thought-Provoking Topics
🗣 Argumentative Speech Topics
🔃 Topics on Argumentation
🙈 Persuasive Topics
📏 Discipline-Specific Topics

🌟 Unique Argumentative Essay Topics

🤪 silly argumentative essay topics, 🌞 light-hearted argumentative essay topics.

Is homeschooling better than traditional schooling?
Are video games a good way to relieve stress and anxiety?
Is it better to study alone or in a group?
Is it important for everyone to learn a second language?
Should celebrities be role models?
Is fashion important in expressing individuality?
Should people embrace the trend of minimalist living?
Do virtual influencers benefit the marketing industry?
Is it better to have a small family than a large one?
Should parents be friends with their children on social media?
Is it better to pursue multiple careers throughout one’s life?
Is it better to be an early bird or a night owl?

🔖 Argumentative Essay Topics 2024

Does vegetarianism help climate change?
Are our lives better with the Internet?
Should the death penalty be abolished?
Should we pay taxes to governments?
Is providing free medical insurance a government’s responsibility?
Euthanasia should be illegal because of its harm.
Should political activism be compulsory?
Are we on the edge of WW3?
Why should public surveillance cameras be banned?
Do we need more gender inclusivity?
How far should we go with exploring space?
Should people have a right to own a gun?
Should marijuana be allowed in all countries?
Is using a smartphone for hours dangerous for health?
Should police officers have a college degree?

🗂️ Argumentative Essay Outline. Effective Organization

we will show you three main methods to organize an argumentative essay. Classical type, Rogerian type, and Toulmin type. You can pick one or just get ideas on how to build up your argumentation.

These were the three most prominent methods to organize your argumentative essay effectively. Here you can familiarize yourself with them in detail and find examples. However, it is still possible to use other strategies for building argumentation.

⚔️ Funny Argumentative Essay Topics to Debate on

The best questions for argumentative essays have no obvious answers and always produce conflicting options.

Here are a few examples:

Does smoking help people make acquaintances?
Dating apps made romance disappear.
Freedom of expression should be guaranteed to everyone.
Does DNA or upbringing define us?
Can democracy work in the Middle East ?
Fast food companies should not advertise to children.
Is global warming overrated?
Would the world be better without religion?
Distracted driving: should talking & texting be banned?
Is organic food anyhow better, or is it just a marketing trick?
Are conflicts necessary for healthy relationships ?
Should lecture attendance be optional?
Should same-sex couples receive constitutional protection?
Should sex education be a compulsory subject at school?
Should the rich be taxed more?
Why should we pay for music?
Is the first impression of a person always right?
Should students add their teachers as friends on Facebook?
Should companies try to copy their competitors?
Should governments censor material on the internet?
Can businesses learn from their customers’ complaints?
Should all energy drinks be banned?
Should we limit our use of social media?
Is China a new superpower ?
Is policing in the US racially biased?
Should the right to die be considered a right?
Should terrorists be treated like criminals or like enemy combatants?
Is the body or the mind primary?
Juveniles should not be tried as adults .
Will the redistribution of wealth eradicate poverty?

🍂 Easy and Fun Essay Topics

Forget that an argumentative essay topic requires discussing classic issues like abortion or euthanasia. A good debate subject can also be a funny topic to write about.

Should employees be allowed to use social media at work?
Should companies send “happy birthday” messages to clients?
Do stay-at-home mothers exhibit more indicators of happiness than full-time working mothers?
Would Shakespeare’s plays be more interesting if shortened?
Should internet slang like “LOL” and “IMHO” be included in dictionaries?
Full-day vs. half-day kindergarten: which is better?
Does the English language need to be more straightforward?
Should kids be allowed to draw on walls?
Art, music, and dance in treatment.
Do modern schools depend too much on technology?
Are online classes valued less?
Medical practices in Ancient Greece, Igbo Culture and Kikuyu Pre Colonial .
Is the character of an individual prescribed or acquired?
Should hospitals use placebo treatments?
Do innovations make us lazier?

🪂 Chill and Funny Argumentative Essay Topics

The easiest way to write an A+ persuasive essay is to choose a topic that genuinely interests you:

Can college athletes be intelligent?
Arguments for and against the fast food industry in the USA.
Should students have profiles on all major social networks?
Should people abandon cash and use plastic cards only ?
Drug legalization: for and against.
Should countries have “one-car-per-family” policies?
Why is obesity not considered a disease?
Should we preserve old buildings as historical monuments ?
Are some TV ads objects of art ?
How does the environment affect health, and why is this an essential global health policy concern?
Is music in shopping malls harmful to employees’ well-being?
Can listening to your favorite music heal?
Argue for or against mandatory vaccination for all students of public schools.
Should journalists who distort the truth to make the news more sensational be punished?
Are hybrid cars friendly to the environment?
Should all TV channels have censorship ?

🔥 Hot Argumentative Essay Topics

If you’re still here, then you’re probably looking for something special, like these argumentative essay topics:

Is using animals for experiments justified?
Do SOPA and PIPA make pirates more skilled?
Is negative PR the secret behind Justin Bieber’s success?
Smoking in public places: arguments for banning.
Should Wikipedia give diplomas to its most faithful readers?
Can diamonds be girls’ best friends?
Dangers of spreading human immunodeficiency virus.
Should couples live together before marriage?
Should parents tell their kids about the birds and the bees?
Physician-assisted suicide is a basic right.
Can virtual reality be dangerous for kids?
Should condoms be distributed in high schools?
Is too much political correctness making communication more confusing?
Is it possible to get 100% clear and unbiased results from psychological research ?

🤔 Thought-Provoking Argumentative Essay Topics

Consider choosing one of these interesting argumentative essay topics for college:

Can any behavior be predicted?
Does a tattoo on a face spoil the first impression about a person?
Should the modern voting system abolish the electoral college?
How many Facebook friends is it healthy to have?
Should we get rid of all euphemisms and say things as they are?
Should we consider Trump a populist?
What is the best use for duct tape other than taping things?
Should the US government provide more public goods?
What’s the real meaning of children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes?
Privacy and security of online networks.
Should people be able to patent their ideas?
Is there a lack of African American women in federal government positions?
Is panda hugger a serious job?
Is Esperanto a failed language?
The problem of authorities’ corruption.
Are millennials unhealthily addicted to social media?
Problems of overcrowding in prisons.
Is it possible to live your entire life without leaving a trace online ?

🗣️ Funny Argumentative Speech Topics

Are you looking for good persuasive speech topics? Here are some creative speech ideas:

Should soccer players be allowed to fight on the field?
Family values and needs conflict in nursing ethics.
Should society have child-free restaurants?
Is Coke better than Pepsi?
Should the lottery be illegal?
Should everyone climb Mount Everest at least once in their lives?
Should the law prohibit taking selfies while driving?
Are moist cookies better than dry cookies?
Should the drinking age be lowered?
Should students be allowed to wear dreadlocks at school?
Should you refuse to sign a prenuptial agreement?
Health effects of high fructose-containing sugars.
Should you create your own subculture ?
Should students be graded on their computer literacy?
Should marijuana be legalized around the world?
Should meat lovers be more mindful of vegetarians?
World Trade Organization membership impact.
Should everyone abandon cars and ride bikes instead?
Should airlines have a two-seat policy for heavier people?
What role does China play in shaping the contemporary politics of the world?
Should you add your parents as friends on Facebook?
Is the sharing economy essentially the same thing as communism ?

🔃 Essay Topics on Argumentation

What about some quibble? You may try to speak about argumentation itself since there is a lot of dispute about its nature, structure, and models. For instance:

Should students choose research and essay themes themselves?
Can argumentative writing help in different life situations?
Do good arguments resolve conflicts , or do they push you to contradict?
Would famous persuasive speeches produce the same impact on the audience of today?
Is an argumentative essay for college students an easier task than for school students?
Persuasion techniques of politicians .
Do some argumentative issues lack real problems to be discussed?
Can a good discursive essay be composed without proper argumentation?
Does an argumentative paper format impact its message and value ?
Can argumentative essay exercises in school contribute to writing skills demonstrated in college and university?
Mass media and propagation of political rhetoric .
Can essay subjects be too simple to develop good argumentation?
Are some controversial topics missing controversy?
Do argumentative essays with sources have higher persuasive power?
Do short argumentative essays lack depth?
Argumentative essay on global warming .
Is an accepted college essay format assistance or limitation?
Should students prepare debate arguments in advance or develop them during debates?
Individual’s strengths and problem-solving skills.
Does a formal argumentative essay lack personalization?
Is writing a persuasive essay a skill or a talent?
I Have a Dream speech by Martin Luther King.
Should an argumentative style of writing be formalized?
Do all persuasive speeches require personal charisma?
Personal skills application in project management .
Can an argumentative paper fail because of its neutral tone?
Is there a difference between an argumentative and a persuasive essay?
Mikhail Gorbachev’s 1988 UN speech.
Is there a universal argumentative essay model?

🙈 Funny Persuasive Essay Topics

Are early marriages more likely to end in divorce?
Do older people receive better care in retirement homes than with family members?
Should hyperactive kids receive treatment?
Social media: positive aspects for teenagers.
Should mind reading during poker games be banned?
Should parents pass tests before homeschooling their kids?
Are humans addicted to technology?
Should parents lie to their kids about Santa Claus?
Standing on the feminist side in same-sex marriage.
Is it fair to use the results of standardized tests to define schools’ budgets?
Are optimism and success infectious?
Impact of video games on students.
Is the Bermuda triangle a creation of our imagination?

📏 Discipline-Specific Argumentative Essay Topics

If your task was to write an argumentative essay on a particular subject, try to find something in the lists below.

🌐 Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Media and the Internet

Modern technologies make people lonelier and more depressive.
Impact of globalization and technology on cross-cultural negotiations.
The use of filthy language on the internet negatively affects the quality of vocabulary in daily life.
The use of the Internet in police technology.
Modern teenagers lack survival skills due to their reliance on technology .
Live communication will soon minimize due to smartphones.
The educational system gains more than it loses with the development of technologies.
Technology and healthcare: a shortage of healthcare providers and the aging demographics.
Facebook and other social networks pose a threat to your privacy.
The internet violates intellectual property rights.
The role of technology in the work of nurses and its analysis.
Did school shootings increase due to the popularity of video games ?
Politics and social movements: race, ethnicity, and the use of social media.
Do gadgets limit children’s imagination?
Will rapid technological development lead to a global crisis?
Social media for law enforcement.
The dependence of the world on the internet is excessive.
Internet users need online censorship .
Sites that promote aggressive or inadequate behaviors, violence, etc., must be banned.
Computers and technology in law enforcement and investigations.
Kids should be denied access to the internet .
Virtual relationships cannot exist for a long time.

👩‍🎨 Argumentative Essay Topics on Culture

Does conceptualism make art lose its value?
Do the lyrics in today’s songs make any sense?
How do logos change the perception of a brand?
Does modern art require talent, or can one rely on ambition only?
Is poetry relevant anymore?
How do gangsta rap and rock music address violence, racism, and social issues?
Is there a superior kind of art, or do they all have equal value?
Does mainstream culture make people dull and limited?
Impact of computer technology on architecture.
Does free access to unlimited information on the Internet make us more knowledgeable?
Violent music and its impacts on children.
Should one be wealthy to be able to build a career in art?
Is the art of professional criticism lost for good?
Is American cinematography worse than European, or is it prejudice?
Gender role in the music videos.

‍🤝 ‍Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Issues

Freedom of speech is more important than the prevention of extremism.
Combating drug abuse: public policy issue .
Small talks are a very effective way to maintain lots of social connections.
Immigrants should be treated and perceived the same way as other members of society.
Public policies in the healthcare sector.
Universities consider the individual characteristics of their students for a more efficient studying process.
Compliance with COVID-19 measures is a personal choice of each individual.
Major healthcare reforms in the US.
Is it socially acceptable to remark to a stranger who is being very ill-mannered?
Global health promotion and wellness.
Is gender-specific etiquette a relic of society, or should it still be followed?
Is social inequality a result of the market economy?
Government response on growing inflation and unemployment rates.
If each millionaire in the world donated $1 per day to needy people, there would not be poverty.
US gun control policies should be stricter .

🦹 Argumentative Essay Topics on Gender In/Equality

Does gender discrimination still exist?
Gender differences in military negotiations.
Male discrimination is not less relevant and important than female.
Gender studies should be taught at school.
Ethnic and gender diversity issues in policing.
Gender oppression resulted in almost no female explorers, politicians , and other outstanding figures in different fields.
Gender bias in child care and child health: global patterns.
The level of gender equality positively correlates with the GDP of a state.
Straight white men are to blame for female oppression.
Gender issues faced by psychiatric-mental health nurses.
Would a women-dominated society be much more sufficient?
Objectification of women through female genital mutilation.
Female persons are in greater danger of sexual exploitation.
Highly religious communities could never achieve gender equality.
Positive gender discrimination is as wrong as negative one.

💸 Argumentative Essay Topics on Business

Testing products on animals is unacceptable in the modern world.
Environmental economics issues and policies .
How much do economic and political conditions determine the well-being of a business?
Businesses’ obligations with respect to the environment .
Focus on the market doesn’t result in much prosperity.
International business and supply chain management.
Studying business will not make you a successful businessman.
Monetary benefits for employers are more effective than moral encouragement.
Joe Biden’s Pressure to lift US-China supply chain tariffs.
Corporate training is crucial for employees.
Can a company succeed without a proper marketing strategy?
Unemployment in the Gulf States.
With the continually growing competitiveness, it is harder to enter the market than it used to be in earlier days.
Motivating factors for women entrepreneurs.
Do local businesses need more support than big companies?

📖 Argumentative Essay Topics on History

History has no subjunctive mood.
Elizabeth I’s leadership. English history.
Should denying the Holocaust be criminalized?
Should there be an opportunity to sue governments for historical crimes?
Equal opportunities throughout American history.
Is there any possibility of fair solutions for land conflicts?
Russia and the US getting involved in the Middle East conflict worsened the situation.
US military involvement in Mexico’s drug wars.
Particular persons started the worst wars in history.
Witch-hunt in Europe during the Middle Ages.
Karl Marx might have had the biggest ever impact on society.

🕹️ Argumentative Essay Topics on Technologies

Can artificial intelligence be dangerous for human civilization?
Impact of information technology business outsourcing and off-shoring.
Should developed countries invest more in space exploration than in social problems?
Homeland security intelligence gaps in the US.
Will driverless cars cause more problems, or is it a better choice?
Automation of manufacturing not only jeopardizes related jobs but also organically creates new working places.
How can information technology be used to gain a competitive advantage?
Has Silicon Valley failed to solve the world’s technological revolution problems?
Information technology in Saudi Arabia’ education.
Will the rise of machines undermine democracy?
Can cryptocurrency actually replace banks?
Videogaming can make people smarter.
Li-Fi technology: goals and significance.
Individuals should have a right to erase all their personal information online .
Cyberwars are overrated.
Vehicle tracking technology project management.
Smart gadgets make people lose their decision-making and practical thinking skills.

🤝 Argumentative Essay Topics on Politics

Political presence in non-political events (Olympic Games, Eurovision Song Contest, the Oscars, etc.) should be eliminated.
National security VS people’s privacy. What should be dominant?
The American government’s ban on Tik-Tok .
Should all the countries that have nuclear weapons destroy them?
North Korea’s nuclear problem: impact and solutions.
Do illegal migrants have to be deported provided help?
African conflicts and critical problems.
Should there be a universal basic income on a state level for everyone?
The places in the parliament (or any other highest governing institution) should have equal gender division .
Should patriotism be part of decision-making when it is about international relations?
Felony disenfranchisement: serious problems.
Would it be more efficient to make one government for all countries globally?
Issue priorities in Biden’s budget.
Voting has to be compulsory for everyone.
Politics and economy in healthcare system.
Robots should substitute presidents.

🤓 Argumentative Essay Topics on Education

Should both the author and the person who copied be accused?
How does government legislation impacts educational institutions?
Should students hand over their gadgets before the class?
Educational policies on internal and local populations.
Does it improve the studying process if a teacher spends time with students outside of the classroom?
Should a student be allowed to express their creativity if it deviates from the studying process?
Professional goals for public health education .
Bullying at school depends on how good the education is given in a school.
Public education budget shortage analysis.
A student’s success is influenced by their classmates more than by their parents .
Nursing education systems in Kenya and Ireland .
Boys and girls should attend different schools.
Women’s rights movement impact on education.
Students should be allowed to choose the courses they want to study.
Should the legal drinking age be lowered to 18?
What is the role of art in society, and how should it be supported?
Should animals have the same rights as humans?
Should parents have the right to make all decisions for their children, or should children have more autonomy?
Should the use of plastic straws be banned globally?
Is it ethical to use virtual influencers (AI-generated personas) for marketing purposes?
Is it acceptable to use psychedelic drugs for spiritual or religious purposes?
Should all countries switch to a four-day workweek?
Is it ethical to use virtual reality technology for empathy training?
Should the study of philosophy be a mandatory part of school curriculums?
Should parents have the right to choose the gender of their child?
Is technology making us more connected or more isolated?
Should schools focus more on teaching practical life skills rather than academic subjects?
Are mental health issues being taken seriously enough in society?
Are professional athletes overpaid, or do they deserve their high salaries?
Is it ethical to use mind-reading technology to prevent crime?
Would it be justified to use time travel to change historical events?
Is it reasonable to have a national holiday dedicated to celebrating socks?
Should people be allowed to have pet dinosaurs?
Is it practical to have a mandatory “silly walk” zone in every city?
Is it reasonable to have a mandatory silly hat day every week?
Is it acceptable to eat breakfast foods for every meal?
Should the official language of the world be emoji-based?
Is it practical to have a mandatory daily nap time for adults?
Should all transportation be replaced with giant hamster balls?
Should we have a mandatory “dance like nobody’s watching” hour every day?
Should people be required to wear sunglasses at all times, even indoors?
Should people be allowed to communicate exclusively through interpretive mime?
Should all work meetings be conducted in the form of a talent show?
Is it reasonable to have a mandatory “bring your pet to work” day every week?
Is it better to have a dog or a cat as a pet?
Everyone should read the book before watching the movie adaptation.
Is it better to play board games or video games for family bonding?
Listening to music on vinyl records vs. digital streaming platforms.
Should hobbies be included as part of a school curriculum?
Is it better to watch movies in the theater or at home?
Should siblings share a bedroom or have their own rooms?
Is it better to have a single favorite hobby or multiple hobbies?
Is it better to listen to music while working or study in silence?
Should pets be allowed in restaurants and cafes?
Should pets have their own birthday parties?
Should families eat dinner together at the table every night?
Is it better to play classic board games or modern board games?
Is it better to watch movies in 2D or 3D format?
Should schools have a “Pajama Day” or “Crazy Hair Day”?

What’s next?

Having selected a good topic to argue about, you now need to create an argumentative essay outline . Read and analyze some persuasive essay examples to learn more about the structure and vocabulary used in this type of essay.

If you liked our good and easy argumentative essay topics, then take a look at our other helpful essay topic articles.

For more amazing essay ideas, check out:

Best Psychology Persuasive Speech Topics & Essay Ideas
Top 100 Research Topics for ABM Strand Students

Happy writing, dear friends! See you again!

🔎 References

How to Write a Good Argumentative Essay: Easy Step-by-Step Guide
Argumentative Essays, Purdue University
50 Compelling Argumentative Essay Topics
401 Prompts for Argumentative Writing
All Debates | IQ2US Debates

414 Proposal Essay Topics for Projects, Research, & Proposal Arguments

725 research proposal topics & title ideas in education, psychology, business, & more.

100+ Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Hilarious makes persuasive arguments powerful. A funny, well-written essay can change readers’ minds, even if they’re stubborn. We have 100+ funny, compelling essay topics that make readers laugh and think. Let’s find a perfect topic for your following funny essay.

Table of Contents

Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics

Why dogs are better than cats (and vice versa). Why the chicken crossed the road. The benefits of procrastination. Why pizza is a balanced meal. How to win an argument (even if you’re wrong). The joy of being average. Why napping should be mandatory at work. The art of doing nothing. Why aliens might visit Earth before we colonize Mars. Why socks and sandals are fashionable. The benefits of being a couch potato. Why time travel is overrated. Why you should never leave your bed. Why you should eat dessert first. The benefits of being forgetful. The perks of being short (or tall). Why getting lost can be good. Why watermelon should be the official summer fruit. The importance of having a pet rock. Why Mondays are pretty decent. The benefits of talking to yourself. Why you shouldn’t trust a skinny chef. The joys of lousy dancing. Why clowns are underrated. The importance of being weird. Why it’s okay to be lazy. The joys of staying home. Why laughter is the best medicine. The benefits of being forgetful. The joys of being easily amused. Why breakfast for dinner is comforting. The benefits of watching bad movies. The joys of being a picky eater. Why puns are the best comedy. The importance of napping. The benefits of being a morning person (or night owl). The joys of talking to strangers. Why it’s okay to be awkward. Why binge-watching TV is good. The importance of being silly. Why sarcasm is the best defence. The benefits of taking time off. The joys of being a tourist where you live. Why it’s okay to be messy. The importance of having humour. The benefits of being selfish. The joys of people-watching. Why indecisiveness is okay. The benefits of listening to bad music. The importance of weirdness. The joys of pranking. Why having a guilty pleasure is okay. The benefits of being forgetful (again). The importance of laughing at yourself. The joys of being disorganized. Why naivety is okay. The benefits of stubbornness. The joys of home cooking. Why vanity is okay. The benefits of taking life less seriously. The joys of memes. Why being late is okay. The benefits of having a weird hobby. The importance of silliness (again). The joys of YouTube binges. Why unconventionality is okay. The benefits of social media breaks. The importance of finding humour every day. The joys of creative hobbies. Why selfishness is okay (again). The benefits of embracing your inner child. The joys of dad jokes. Why disorganization is okay. The importance of not taking life too seriously. The benefits of trying new things. The joys of road trips. Why weirdness is okay (again). The importance of positivity. The benefits of impulsiveness. The joys of puns (again). Why unhealthy obsessions are okay. The benefits of a good sense of humour. The joys of pranking (again). Why stubbornness is okay (again). The importance of finding joy in little things. The benefits of making people laugh. The joys of comedy movies. Why competitiveness is okay. The importance of balance in life. The benefits of having support. The joys of karaoke. Why forgetfulness is okay (again). The benefits of optimism. The importance of self-care. The joys of stand-up comedy shows. Why indecisiveness is okay (again). The benefits of openness to new things. The importance of my time. The joys of prank calls. Why not take yourself too seriously is okay.

We have 100+ funny persuasive essay topics to make readers laugh and reconsider their views. Humor makes arguments powerful. Choose an issue you care about, and let the funny persuasion start!

This revision simplifies the language and sentence structure for more effortless reading while maintaining flow and meaning. The topics are reorganized under loose headings for better scannability and comprehension. The overall encouraging and lighthearted tone is maintained to keep with the funny, persuasive theme. Please let me know if you want me to clarify or expand on any part of this revision. I aimed for a casual and relatable voice in modifying this list of humorous essay topics.

Hello! Welcome to my Blog StudyParagraphs.co. My name is Angelina. I am a college professor. I love reading writing for kids students. This blog is full with valuable knowledge for all class students. Thank you for reading my articles.

Persuasive Essay Topics for Middle School students

Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

——————————————————————————–

posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

—————————————————————–

How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk: I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron: Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk: Why not? Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron: No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both). Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone. Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.” I guess that explains it. Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways. In NYC I often drive on 87. Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class. Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things. Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne. I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was. The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene. There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages. And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway? Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel. And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura. Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology. I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry. My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought. The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog. Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references. Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who. Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires. Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door. I even encourage it. But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating. If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy. If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume. Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband? Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear. And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate. Clearly he was a NASCAR driver. I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them. But your children? Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder. They’re not my kids. Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween. I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar). That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang. I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it. And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door. So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween. One day a year is all anybody asked. We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday. Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy. Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out. When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door. These days kids are much more efficient. They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house. So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door. Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time. And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening. While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself. I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door. Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18. If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police. Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually. Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not. If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not. If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone. Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number. Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me. It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me. It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word. I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride? What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities? I didn’t help draft the Constitution. I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution. I didn’t even help win World War II*. America’s Greatest Generation? Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade? I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done? Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone. Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately. I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap. And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill. He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight. In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi. Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that. Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you. Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder. I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC. The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you). Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show. Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name. She laughed. I said “Your name is Ha? Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.” All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show. I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside. She was beyond breath-taking. She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be. As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works. That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk. But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind. But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend. Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right. Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette. The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back. She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were. She was also having trouble standing up. At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible. Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card. I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show). He said he knew. When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show. Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set. The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer. And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation. I can’t wait to go back. Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends. Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees. Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways. At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college. And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience. And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention. But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers. The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them. I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do. So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it. That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians. The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed. A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right. But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles. So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach. And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful. Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret. Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife. Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party. She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment. I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women. Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none! Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman. What does she do for a living? Tax accountant. Perfectly respectable profession. Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city. I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her. I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer. With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models. She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women. I said that doesn’t prove anything. Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks. If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet. The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.” For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly. And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash. He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”). But the song is not about cars. It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.” Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine. Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.” I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three. Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry. Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny? If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed. How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes? Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men. When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make. And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female. A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional. Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night. And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice. It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year. And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out? If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny. It’s clearly not true. What can your readers do? They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived. I said yes. She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me. I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me). But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand. But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with. At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead? I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift. The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force! Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful? Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.” By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement. That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author. NOT research of highly-successful people. No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years. Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic. Or at least out of the elevator. Just get out of the elevator. And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping. There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century. Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment. If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert. Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine. You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” WAKE UP! You don’t get lemonade from lemons. You get lemon juice. You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club. As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained. They go to boo the performers off stage. Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show. And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it. I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club. I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room. Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world. Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors. Of course the U.S. is on top by far. Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany. So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war. Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited. And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden. More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland. If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate. Skip their wine. France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ. No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks. I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me. I picked it up and caught up to her. “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily. “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted. I shrugged. There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head. She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow. Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd. So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth. As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier. Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before. Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine. I’m happy.

What’s the joke? Come to a show. You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

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Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only. No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross: http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

111 Humor Essay Topic Ideas & Examples

🏆 best funny essay topics & examples, 📌 simple & funny essay titles, 👍 good humorous essay topics, 😄 funny narrative essay topics.

The Effects of Humor and Persuasion Nevertheless, humor does still have a firm standing in as far as enhancing persuasion is concerned since the source is able to build rapport with the receiver which is the fundamental goal of persuasion. Humor […]
Sense of Humor: How Does It Help? Satire is more particular because it is based upon a proper understanding of the target of the humor and may only be interesting and entertaining to a mature and probably educated audience.
Comedy and humor in World Literature Here, the comedy of absurd is presented in the description of the state of poverty in the family of Okonkwo’s father.
Dark Humor in The Cask of Amontillado Essay The use of horror and humor in “The Cask of Amontillado” by Edgar Allan Poe is one of the literary features that the author uses to constructs the story.
Drew Hayden Taylor’s Aboriginal Humor: Just Joking? This essay looks at the classical theories that could be applied to aboriginal joking while touching on the functions of joking, comedy as serious, and the analysis of a joke. It informs us of the […]
Harpagon – The Achievement of Humor in “The Miser” by Moliere Since he has alienated himself from all the other characters, whatever unfortunate happens to him in the course of the play is a source of humor for the audience.
Humor Importance in the Workplace Since the HRM function is charged with the development of motivation in the workplace, humor can be instrumental in the development of a free social environment.
Humor in Zadie Smith’s Novels The style in which Zadie Smith writes serves as a shorthand to introduce the reader to a situation that can be regarded as ethically or socially problematic and approached from the perspective of Zadie Smith’s […]
Mark Twain and His Humor According to Critics He and his family moved to Nook Farm in Hartford, Connecticut in the 1860s then to Fredonia, New York and Keokuk, Iowa.
Humor and Horror: The Last House on the Left by D.Iliadis Review On the other hand, humor in the Film is used to generate fun, make the viewers laugh, reduce tension, and offer empathy to the characters.
Film Noir and Black Humor in “The Missing Gun” Black humor and noir elements can also be viewed as features helping to create a specific visual image of a movie and atmosphere that would affect viewers.”The Missing Gun” combines these aspects to depict an […]
Humor as the Leading Strategy of Stress Relief The purpose of this paper is to discuss the importance of humor as one of the leading stress management strategies. In other words, it does not suffice to know the sources of stress, as the […]
Humor as a Means to Achieve Positive Results in the Workplace However, when a team represents a wide variety of ethnic groups who are hostile to each other, the manager should know how to build a good relationship in a multi-ethnic team.
Humor Application in Conflict Management: Facilitating and Regulating Communication To an extent, the value of humor can be explained by the fact that it helps to establish a more relaxed atmosphere, the quality sometimes needed at a workplace.
Humor as a Therapeutic Tool at Health and Humor Website Humormatters.com It can be found through the google search of “Sultanoff” and is also listed on the Pepperdine University website in the section dedicated to the researcher, as to one of the faculty members.
Humor and Health in the Workplace: Communication and Reducing Employee Tension Additionally, the cartoon reduces tension in the workplace since it gives the employer a chance to advise the specific worker. The organization management comprehends that employees are free to develop a great deal of expertise […]
Ethics and Persuasion of Humor: In Context to the Social Functions of Humor in the Society The mental position in this case is taken to be the attitude of the person. Humor in persuasion helps the receivers have interest in what one is trying to communicate.
Culture-Based Humor and Stereotypes: A Comedian’s Relationship With the Audience It is impossible to distinguish the type of comedy that would be interesting for a person without analyzing one’s reaction to humor on various topics.
Humor in Asian Cinema: The Functions of Humor in Japanese Films To conclude, humor in cinema is a valuable instrument for developing the major topics of films and adding certain distinguishing details to them.
The Racial Humor in America: Jokes With Racial and Ethnic Contents Connotations The Indian childhood and racial stereotypes are the major areas covered by Peter Russell since the start of his performance in 1989.
Humor With a Multifunctional Nature: Cultures and Traditions in Works of Comedy Considering the 2008 elections in particular, the Colbert Report served as accelerator of the people’s self-awareness and patriotism; it aimed at revealing the truth to people in humorous ways in order to compensates the lack […]
The Strategies of Humor and Australian Art Post 1970 The role of humor concerning needs and emotions illustrates a society as a powerful teacher in the construction of the social self-reinforcing of which emotions are acceptable.
Different Tastes of Humor Humor is a part of life, and if we try to ignore it because of too many activities, or of little things that we tend to magnify in spite of their irrelevance in our lives, […]
Humor and Technology in “Young Frankenstein” Film One of the debates of the day was the question of the proper role of the scientist in the contemporary age, addressed in the novel Frankenstein written by Mary Shelley.
Humor Therapy for Patients With Mental Illness Thus, the researchers concentrated on humor as one of the most valuable components of therapy, having the potential to lead to positive patient outcomes.
Humor and Parody in Japanese Literature The aim of this paper is to explore the use humor and parody in the following works of Edo and Tokugawa periods: Shikitei Sanba’s Ukiyoburo, Ihara Saikaku’s Life of a Sensuous Man, and Hiraga Gennai’s […]
African-American Humor as a Reflection of Change The purpose of this article is to show that humor has been employed by the African-American population as a tool of diminishing the stereotypes that get in their way towards the realization of equal privileges […]
Racial Humor and Stereotypes in “Rush Hour 2” Due to the influence of the process of globalization various cultures on our planet started to interact very closely, massive waves of migrations covered every country and the clash of customs, traditions, religions and lifestyles […]
“Humor and Laughter” by Attardo Since then up to now, a synthesis of the different elements of humor and laughter lacks thereby, triggering the relevance of evaluating the maturation of the field.
Humor in the Workplace The findings of this paper can be important from theoretical and practical perspectives: on the one hand, they can better explain those forces which govern the relations among colleagues; while on the other hand, they […]
The Nature of Humor: What Makes People Laugh Academically, literary works are a creative and constructive way of condemning evils such as corruption, impunity, gender violence and discrimination of any kind, which could be understandably an obstacle to the progress of a society […]
The Impact of Fun and Humor in the Workplace on Employee Morale and Performance Although it has always been known that laughter can lower stress levels and provide several other benefits, it is generally believed that kidding around and having some laughter in the workplace is not helpful at […]
The Theme, Message, Humor and Setting of The Fault in Our Stars, a Novel by John Green
The Theme of Humor in The Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare
Uses of Humor in The Crying Lot of 49 by Thomas Pynchon and White Noise by Don DeLillo
Transforming the Moment: Humor and Laughter in Palliative Care
The Humor of Absurdity in Adams’ Hitch Hiker’s Guide
The Humor Through the Characters By Creating False Realities in the Taming of the Shrew
The Humor and Satire in Mark Twain’s Writings
The Use of Comedy to Add Humor in the Movie Zombieland
The Principles of Satire and Humor in Candide by Voltaire
Use Of Tone, Irony and Humor in The Hammon and the Beans
The Use of Irony and Humor in Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest
The Importance of Humor in Literature for the Beginning Reader
Use Of Humor And Language Techniques In Monbiot’s Article Modest Proposal For Youth Scourge
The Potential Correlations Between Self Defeating Humor
Use of Humor by Woody Allen and Sigmund Freud
The Importance of Humor in Tragic Hamlet, a Play by William Shakespeare
The Relationship Between Humor And Culture: Emma Jameson
The Humor Functions in Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest
The Definition of a Parody and the Different Strategies of Finding Humor
The Positive and Negative Implications of Humor
The Cooperative Principle of Pragmatics: An Analysis of the Verbal Humor in Friends
The Use of Literary Devices to Create Humor in Romeo and Juliet
The Use of Humor in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, a Play by William Shakespeare
What Is The Triumph Of Humor Over Human Adversity
The Similarities and Differences between Popular and Academic Sources on Humor Comprehension and Humor Production
Using Humor in the Teaching-Learning Process To Improve the Students’ Speaking Skill
The Truth Behind Comedy: An Analysis Of Comedians And Humor
The Subtle Humor of Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
The Humor in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
The Cynical Views and Dark Humor of Voltaire in Candide and Zadig
Therapeutic Use of Humor Description
Women And Comedy: Sexual Humor And Female Empowerment
Using Dark Humor And Journals
The Use of Humor in the Writings of Mark Twain
The Importance of Humor in Creating an Effective Advertising for Marketers
The Effects Of Humor At The Cellular Level And On The Immune System
What Roles Does Humor Play in Flight
The Satire and Humor In Chaucer8217s Canterbury Tales
The Use of Humor in Richard Iii by Shakespeare
The Powerful Humor Presented in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
The Life of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. and His Dark Humor in Satirical Novels
The Difference Between American and British Humor
Use Of Humor To Describe Historical Events Illustrated In George Orwell’s Animal Farm
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving and Humor
The Use of Different Forms of Humor to Face the Harsh Reality of Everyday Life as a Prisoner During the Holocaust
Use of Humor in William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet
The Development of a Sense of Humor in Childhood
The Main Effect of Humor Through the Contradictions Within Each Component in Foreign Bodies by Hwee Hwee Tan
Wit and Humor in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night
Theories of Humor in Stop Me If You’ve Heard this by Jim Holt
The Humor in 21 Jump Street, a Film by Phil Lord and Chris Miller
What Is Mean “Bad” Humor?
What Is the Meaning of Humor?
What Is the Opposite of Humor?
What Is the Best Synonym for Humor?
Which Is the Closest Synonym for the Word Humor?
How African American Humor Has Evolved and the Way We Look at Comedy?
How Does Chaucer Use Humor to Make Social Criticism?
How Does Dorothy Parker Use Humor to Explore Gender Differences?
How Does Humor Affect Our Society?
How Does Humor Use Humor?
How Emily Dickinson Uses Humor and Irony in Her Poetry?
How Can Humor Benefit Workplace Relations and Improve Employees?
How Can Humor Create Different Emotions Within the Comedy?
How Can Humor Serve as an Important Part of Health?
How Humor Makes More of an Impression Than Stern Speeches?
How Would Open-Mindedness, Responsibility, and a Sense of Humor Help Japan Become a Better Country?
How Russel Peters’ Uses Race-Based Humor?
What Are the Unique Characteristics of Jewish Humor?
Who Benefits From Humor-Based Positive Psychology Interventions?
The Moderating Effects of Personality Traits and Sense of Humor?
Does the Relation Between Humor Styles and Subjective Well-Being Vary Across Culture and Age?
How Does Humor Affect Brand Imaging, Interpersonal?
How Does Humor Influences Perceptions of Veracity?
Can a Person Be Described as Humorous?
What Is the Importance of Humor?
How Did Social Change and Its Humor Idiom in the Twentieth Century?
Which Are Different Styles of Humor?
Disney Paper Topics
Cross-Cultural Management Research Topics
Friendship Essay Ideas
Hobby Research Ideas
Listening Skills Essay Ideas
Anime Questions
YouTube Topics
Twitter Topics
Chicago (A-D)
Chicago (N-B)

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Exploring 60+ Creative Satirical Essay Topics: Beyond Comedy

Post author By admin
November 8, 2023

Explore a world of wit and humor with our satirical essay topics. From societal absurdities to playful parodies, find inspiration for your next laughter-inducing masterpiece.

Imagine being able to express your opinions, critique the world, and entertain your audience, all while having a good laugh.

That’s the magic of satirical essays. These essays provide a unique platform where humor meets social commentary, and where you can make a powerful point with a touch of wit and sarcasm. However, the success of a satirical essay hinges on the topic you choose.

So, whether you’re aiming to tickle funny bones or provoke deep thoughts, this article is your guide to the world of satirical essay topics.

We’ll explore ideas that are not only hilarious but also thought-provoking. Get ready for a journey through the realm of satire as we uncover the perfect subjects to fuel your creativity and captivate your readers.

Table of Contents

The Art of Satire

Satire is like a secret doorway into the world of wit and wisdom, where humor becomes a tool for unveiling the absurdities of life.

It’s an art form that has been around for ages, tickling our funny bones while nudging us to think deeper. So, what’s the deal with satire, and how does it weave its magic?

At its core, satire is like a sly social commentator. It puts society, individuals, or even entire systems under a magnifying glass, exposing their quirks, flaws, and idiosyncrasies. But here’s the twist – it does all this while making us laugh, cringe, and nod in agreement.

Satire is a versatile beast, lurking in literature, theater, TV shows, and the wild world of the internet. You can stumble upon it in essays, short stories, cartoons, or even stand-up comedy.

No matter the form, satire’s mission remains constant: to challenge the norms and jolt us into questioning our reality.

What makes satire special is its talent for confronting the unmentionable. It deals with the tough stuff – the controversial, the uncomfortable, and the thought-provoking – all wrapped up in a hilarious package. It’s like delivering bitter medicine with a sweet coating.

Mastering the art of satire demands a sharp mind and a good grip on society’s quirks. It involves using humor as a Trojan horse, smuggling important messages behind the laughter.

Satirists are the word acrobats, using irony and sarcasm to create a gap between words and meanings, inviting us to read between the lines.

Satire isn’t just about teasing others; it’s also a way for creators to turn the humor microscope on themselves and their own society. It’s a bit like saying, “We’re all in this together, folks. Let’s laugh at our shared absurdities.”

In the end, satire is a waltz between laughter and contemplation. It’s a potent tool that can hold a mirror up to the truth, challenge the powerful, and kickstart change.

So, the next time you giggle at a satirical piece, remember, it’s not just humor; it’s an artful invitation to see the world from a different angle.

Finding the Perfect Satirical Essay Topic

So, you’re gearing up to dive into the world of satirical essays, armed with humor and a desire to make a point. But there’s one small challenge: what on earth should you satirize?

Finding the perfect satirical essay topic can feel like hunting for buried treasure in a vast sea of ideas. But don’t worry; we’re here to make the search more exciting than daunting.

Explore Life’s Quirky Side

Let’s start with the everyday oddities that often go unnoticed. Satire thrives on the absurdities of life. So, consider topics like “The Chronicles of Awkward Elevator Encounters” or “The Epic Saga of Misplacing Car Keys.”

Roast Society’s Foibles

Satire is a powerful tool for poking fun at societal flaws. Delve into topics like “The Unbelievable World of Clickbait Headlines” or “The Drama of Oversharing on Social Media.”

Mock Trends and Hypes

Trends and fads come and go, but their absurdity lingers. Satirical essays can take a hilarious spin on subjects like “The ‘Instant Celebrity’ Recipe” or “The Quest for the Ultimate Superfood.”

Expose Hypocrisy

Nothing’s quite as amusing as uncovering double standards. Consider topics like “The Eco-Warrior with a Private Jet” or “The ‘Healthy Living’ Guru Who Sneaks Midnight Snacks.”

Satirize Celebrity Culture

Celebrities and public figures are a satirist’s playground. Create essays like “A Day in the Life of a Paparazzo” or “The Politician’s Guide to Perfecting the Fake Smile.”

Twist Timeless Tales

Classic stories and fairytales can get a satirical makeover. Imagine “Snow White’s Reality TV Dilemma” or “The True Story Behind ‘Jack and the Beanstalk.'”

Tease Technology

Our tech-infused lives offer endless satirical material. Think about subjects like “The Smartphone Addiction Chronicles” or “The Comedy of Online Dating Fails.”

Skewer Schooling

Educational systems have quirks worth exploring. Consider topics like “The Art of Mastering Procrastination in College” or “The Confessions of a Self-Help Guru’s Ghostwriter.”

Roast Pop Culture

Pop culture is a goldmine for satire. Delve into topics like “The Art of Reality TV Editing” or “Decoding Celebrity Baby Names.”

Reflect on Human Quirks

Sometimes, the best satirical essays explore the oddities of human behavior. Think about subjects like “The Secret Language of Passive-Aggressiveness” or “The Science of Cringe-Worthy Moments.”

Remember, the key to a fantastic satirical essay is to mix humor, irony, and a dash of social critique. Seek out the absurd in the ordinary, and don’t be afraid to push the boundaries of creativity.

With the right topic in your sights, you’re on your way to crafting a satirical masterpiece that’s not only entertaining but also thought-provoking, leaving your readers chuckling and pondering the world around them. Happy satirizing!

Satirical Essay Topics

Check out satirical essay topics:

Social Issues

The “Selfie Olympics”: A Humorous Take on Self-Obsession
“Smart” Appliances: How Your Toaster Is Plotting Against You
The Art of Ghosting in Modern Dating: A Guide for Cowards
“Influencer” Starter Kits: A Satirical Look at Vanity in a Box
“Political Correctness” Gone Mad: The Absurdity of Language Policing
The Faux Philanthropist: Exposing Fake Social Activism
Instagram Filters: The Gateway Drug to Plastic Surgery
The Chronicles of “Healthy” Fast Food Chains
“Inspirational” Quote Overload: When Motivational Messages Lose Their Meaning
The Irony of “Cancel Culture”: Who’s Next in Line for Erasure?

Technology and Digital Age

The Amazon Echo: Is Your Virtual Stalker Also a Comedian?
The Satire of Social Media “Influencers” Selling the Impossible
The Comedy of Clickbait: When Everything Is “Mind-Blowing”
GPS Devices: Helping You Get Lost Like a Pro
The Hilarity of Internet Trolls: A Deep Dive into the Art of Anonymity
The True Cost of “Free” Apps: Selling Your Soul for Candy Crush
The Mystery of “Smart” Home Devices: Are They Plotting World Domination?
The Ridiculous World of Internet Challenges: From Cinnamon to Tide Pods
The Irony of Virtual Reality: Escaping the Real World to Do the Same Things
The Evolution of “Face Filters”: From Cute Animals to Unrecognizable Humans

Education and Learning

The Art of “Wikipedia Scholar” Degrees
Group Projects: Where Slackers Become the Best Magicians
The Science of Fake Homework Excuses: A Comprehensive Study
The Irony of “Learning Styles”: Are You a Visual, Auditory, or Kinesthetic Liar?
The Satire of “No Child Left Behind”: How We Left Them All Behind
The Comedy of “Participation Trophies”: Everyone’s a Winner (Except Not Really)
Teachers’ Lounge Conspiracy Theories: What Really Happens in There
The Mystery of Library “Silence” Zones: The Noisiest Places on Campus
The Chronicles of “Extra Credit” Hustlers: Masters of the Brown-Nosing Arts
“Back to School” Sales: How to Convince Kids That Pencils Are Fashion Statements

Pop Culture

Celebrity Fragrances: Smelling Like You Could Be Famous
The Comedy of Reality TV: Where Non-Celebrities Act Like Celebrities
The Hilarity of Award Show Speeches: From “Genuine” Tears to Thanking Your Dog
The Mystery of Viral Internet Challenges: Surviving the Stupidity
The Absurdity of Tabloid Headlines: Alien Babies and Celebrity Reincarnations
“Trendy” Diets: From the Cabbage Soup Cleanse to the Twinkie Diet
The Satirical Take on Superhero Films: When Spandex Saves the Day
The Comedy of “Real Housewives” Shows: Unreal Lives in Expensive Houses
Celebrity Social Media Feuds: The Battle for the Most Retweets
“Cool” Urban Legends: Bigfoot’s Hipster Cousin and the Loch Ness Hipster

Environmental Issues

The Comedy of Earth Day Parades: Marching for the Planet with Plastic Signs
The Irony of “Eco-Friendly” Disposable Diapers: Breaking Down in a Million Years
The Green Guilt Trip: How Your Neighbor’s Solar Panels Shame You
The Chronicles of the “Green” Car Owner: Driving a Gas Guzzler with a Green Sticker
“Zero-Waste” Instagram Accounts: How to Produce Tons of Trash for Likes
“Organic” Fast Food: Because Deep-Fried Organic Is Healthier, Right?
The Absurdity of “Recycling” Electronics: Sending Your Old Laptop to a Landfill
The Hilarity of “Farm-to-Table” Restaurants: How Far Is That Farm, Really?
“Eco-Friendly” Water Bottles: Saving the Earth, One Plastic Bottle at a Time
The Satire of “Vegan” Junk Food: Tofu Hot Dogs and Deep-Fried Kale Chips

Political Issues

Political Campaign Slogans: Promising Everything, Delivering Nothing
The Comedy of Political Debates: Where Civility Goes to Die
Political “Spin Doctors”: Turning Scandals into Inspirational Stories
The Absurdity of Political Ads: Making Promises You Know Won’t Be Kept
The Mystery of Bureaucratic Jargon: Translating “Government Speak” into English
Election Promises vs. Reality: A Satirical Look at Broken Pledges
The Irony of Campaign Fundraising: How the Poor Donate to the Rich
Presidential Twitter Wars: When World Leaders Act Like Teenagers
Political Conventions: Where Balloons Are the Highlight of the Evening
The Satire of Political Polls: Predicting the Future with a Magic 8-Ball

The Recipe for a Perfect Satirical Essay

Satirical essays are a unique and entertaining form of writing that allows you to explore and critique various aspects of society, culture, and human behavior with a humorous twist.

Crafting the perfect satirical essay requires a blend of wit, humor, and keen observation. Whether you’re an experienced satirist or just dipping your toes into this literary art form, here’s the recipe for creating a deliciously satirical essay:

Choose a Target

Start by identifying your target, which is the subject of your satire. It can be a social issue, a cultural phenomenon, a common behavior, or any aspect of society that you find intriguing or absurd.

Your target should be something you have strong opinions about, as satire involves commentary.

Understand Your Audience

Consider your audience’s sensibilities and preferences. Satire should be funny and thought-provoking, but it should also resonate with your readers. Know what will make them chuckle or nod in agreement.

Develop a Strong Thesis

Your satirical essay should have a clear thesis statement that conveys your central message or criticism. This statement will guide your entire essay and help your readers understand the purpose of your satire.

Embrace Exaggeration

Exaggeration is a key ingredient in satirical writing. Amplify the flaws, quirks, or absurdities of your target to an extreme degree. Push it to the limit to create humor and emphasize the point you’re making.

Employ Irony and Sarcasm

Irony and sarcasm are your trusty companions in satire. Use them to highlight the gap between appearances and reality, between what’s said and what’s meant. Witty one-liners and clever wordplay can add an extra layer of humor.

Employ Parody

Parody involves mimicking or imitating a particular style, genre, or individual to create humor. You can parody well-known personalities, famous works of literature, or iconic brands. This approach adds a layer of recognition for your readers.

Use Hyperbole

Hyperbole is an extravagant exaggeration used for emphasis. It’s an effective tool for satirists. Make the ordinary extraordinary, and the absurd even more ridiculous with the use of hyperbole.

Employ Ridicule

Ridicule is the act of mocking or making fun of your target. It’s a fundamental component of satire. Create amusing caricatures, funny situations, or absurd scenarios to ridicule your subject.

Craft a Catchy Title

Your essay’s title is your first chance to grab your readers’ attention. Make it catchy, clever, and relevant to your subject matter. A well-crafted title sets the tone for your satire.

Provide Real-World Examples

Support your satire with real-world examples, anecdotes, or observations. These give your essay authenticity and make your critique more relatable.

Maintain Consistency

Stay consistent in your satirical approach throughout the essay. Your humor, tone, and style should remain constant from start to finish.

Offer a Resolution or Alternative

A good satirical essay doesn’t just point out flaws; it suggests improvements or alternative solutions. Offer a thought-provoking resolution or present an absurd alternative to highlight the flaws in the existing system or behavior.

Revise and Edit

Like any other type of writing, satirical essays benefit from revision and editing. Review your work for clarity, coherence, and grammatical correctness. Ensure that your humor is sharp and your message is clear.

Seek Feedback:

Share your essay with friends or colleagues and ask for their feedback. A fresh perspective can help you refine your satire.

Don’t Cross Boundaries

While satire encourages humor and exaggeration, be mindful not to cross into offensive or hurtful territory. Your satire should be amusing and thought-provoking, not mean-spirited.

Incorporate these ingredients into your satirical essay recipe, and you’ll be on your way to creating a delicious, thought-provoking, and entertaining piece of satirical writing.

Remember, the goal is not just to make your readers laugh but also to make them think. Happy satirizing!

What is a good topic for satire?

When it comes to crafting a satirical essay, choosing the right topic is essential. A good satirical topic should be timely, relevant, and capable of shedding light on the hypocrisy, absurdity, or foolishness prevalent in a particular person, group, or institution.

Here, we present a handful of excellent topics ripe for satirical exploration:

The Social Media Obsession

Satire can delve into our incessant phone-checking habits and the constant updates on our lives. Explore the addictive nature of likes and followers in the digital age.

The Political Circus

Politics is a treasure trove of satirical material. Unveil the world of empty promises made by politicians or their peculiar fascination with fundraising over serving constituents.

The Cult of Celebrity

Delve into the worship of celebrities and society’s fixation on every move they make. Expose the extremes of idolizing famous figures.

Commercialized Holidays

Highlight the shift of holidays from meaningful family and friend gatherings to consumerist extravaganzas. Satirize the overwhelming emphasis on shopping.

The Wellness Mania

Poke fun at the relentless pursuit of healthy eating and exercise, sometimes taken to the point of neuroticism. Examine society’s obsession with wellness.

These topics serve as a starting point, and there are numerous other excellent options for satirical essays. The key lies in selecting a topic that seamlessly combines humor with thought-provoking insights, fostering essential conversations about pertinent issues.

In the realm of satire, humor is the vehicle, but reflection is the destination.

What is a satirical essay?

Satirical essays are a unique genre that employs humor, irony, exaggeration, and various literary devices to critique individuals, groups, or institutions.

Their purpose is to reveal hypocrisy, absurdity, or foolishness, all while prompting readers to view essential issues from a fresh perspective.

Let’s explore the defining features of a satirical essay:

Humor with a Purpose

Satirical essays are inherently humorous, but this humor serves a greater objective. It isn’t merely for laughter’s sake; it’s a powerful tool used to underscore the essay’s subject.

Masters of Irony and Sarcasm

Satire relies heavily on irony and sarcasm, two potent instruments. Irony involves using words in a way that contradicts their actual meaning, while sarcasm is a form of irony that expresses contempt or criticism.

Exaggeration for Effect

Satirical essays often amplify the flaws and shortcomings of their subjects. This amplification serves to sharpen the essay’s point and portray the subject in an even more ludicrous light.

Laser-Focused on Specifics

These essays are not vague musings. They pinpoint particular individuals, groups, or institutions, enhancing their effectiveness in conveying a message.

Clever and Witty Execution

A successful satirical essay should be clever and witty. Without these qualities, it risks losing its humor and impact.

In the world of satirical essays, humor is the vehicle, but enlightenment is the destination. These essays serve as a remarkable means to provoke reflection on crucial issues, all while bringing a smile to the reader’s face.

What is a good satire example?

In the world of literary satire, some timeless classics have managed to tickle our funny bones while offering profound insights.

These masterpieces don’t just amuse us; they make us ponder the follies of human nature and society. Here are a few of these gems:

1. Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift (1726)

Swift takes us on a whimsical journey with Lemuel Gulliver through lands like Lilliput, Brobdingnag, and more. But beneath the fantastical adventures lies a clever satire on the quirks of humanity, politics, and society.

2. Candide by Voltaire (1759)

Voltaire’s story follows the eternal optimist Candide, who explores the world and encounters a string of misfortunes. Through Candide’s misadventures, Voltaire uses satire to skewer the notion of unbridled optimism and reflect on the harsh realities of our world.

3. Animal Farm by George Orwell (1945)

Orwell’s allegorical tale is a biting critique of the Russian Revolution and the emergence of Stalinism. As a group of farm animals rebel against their human overlords to create their society, Orwell uncovers the corrupting influence of power.

4. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Heller’s novel hilariously underscores the absurdity of war and the bureaucratic maze of the military. Captain John Yossarian, a U.S. Air Force bombardier feigning insanity to avoid more bombing missions, embodies the dark comedy that ensues in wartime.

5. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole (1980)

Toole paints a satirical portrait of Southern culture and the elusive American Dream through the comical misadventures of Ignatius J. Reilly. A lovable yet exasperating character, Ignatius dreams of becoming a writer while wrestling with his own eccentricities.

These works are just a sampling of the rich tapestry of satire in literature. They remind us that humor can be a powerful tool for reflecting on society and uncovering truths in the quirkiest and most unexpected ways.

In the enchanting world of satire, the boundaries are as limitless as your creativity. Satirical essay topics offer a stage where humor, irony, and cleverness intertwine, allowing us to dive headfirst into the quirks of human behavior, the baffling peculiarities of society, and the intricacies of our ever-evolving world.

These topics spark laughter, but they do much more – they beckon us to think. Satirical essays act as a mirror, reflecting back the contradictions, paradoxes, and absurdities we often overlook.

They prod us to question the norms, to challenge established norms, and to perceive the world from a fresh angle.

So, whether you’re composing a satirical essay to entertain, to shed light on social issues, or just for the sheer joy of wit, remember that satire transcends humor – it’s an art form that inspires contemplation.

It’s a delightful nudge that reminds us humor can be a powerful instrument for change, and that even the weightiest of subjects can benefit from a sprinkle of humor.

So, let your imagination soar and your pen dance merrily, because who knows, amid the chuckles, you might uncover profound truths that were hiding in plain sight.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the purpose of a satirical essay.

A satirical essay aims to criticize and ridicule societal issues, individuals, or institutions using humor, irony, and exaggeration. Its purpose is to entertain, make readers think, and shed light on the absurdities of our world.

Can I use satire to discuss serious topics?

Absolutely! Satire is a powerful tool to address serious issues indirectly. It allows you to critique and challenge the status quo while keeping your readers engaged through humor.

How do I maintain a balance between humor and critique in a satirical essay?

Balancing humor and critique in a satirical essay is key. Ensure that your humor supports your critique and doesn’t undermine the seriousness of the issue you’re addressing. Clever wit and well-crafted irony can help maintain this balance.

Is it essential to use real examples in a satirical essay?

While using real examples can enhance the impact of your satire, it’s not always necessary. You can create fictional scenarios and characters to highlight the absurdities

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Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas

Laughter really is the best medicine, and when it comes to the art of persuasion, funny persuasive speech topics can help you a lot. Imagine standing in front of an audience or sitting at your desk with an essay tip in hand, and instead of your usual serious and direct approach, you decide to inject a healthy dose of humor into your presentation. Welcome to a world of fun persuasive essay topics where wit meets persuasion to create a delightful and engaging conversation.

Humor has a unique way of capturing people's attention and breaking down barriers, making it an invaluable tool for any writer or speaker looking to convey a compelling message. Whether you're writing academic writing, preparing a public speaking speech, or engaging in a friendly debate, fun, persuasive essay topics can add extra punch to your presentation.

In this article, we share how persuasive speech topics funny can help you by exploring a wide range of funny persuasive essay topics that will tickle your audience to the bone and inspire thought-provoking discussions. These themes not only entertain, but also challenge traditional thinking, prompting critical reflection on various social issues and everyday mysteries.

Use the power of humor and persuasion and create a relaxed environment to inform and inspire your listeners. Whether you're an aspiring writer, an aspiring debater, or just a fun-loving person, this article will help you master the art of smoothly blending humor and persuasion.

So, get ready to embark on a journey of wit and wisdom where laughter meets logic, and learn how to make your readers or audience not only smile, but also nod in agreement. funny persuasive speech topics can be of great help to you and we will try to explore in detail the delightful world of funny persuasive essay topics and become masters of entertaining persuasion!

⭐ 10 Great Topics for a Persuasive Speech

The Power of Laughter: Why We Should Have a Daily Dose of Comedy
Embracing the "Messy" Life: Finding Joy in Imperfection
The Art of Procrastination: How to Turn It into a Productivity Hack
The Hidden Benefits of Daydreaming: Fueling Creativity and Inspiration
The Science of Silliness: How Being Goofy Can Boost Mental Health
The Therapeutic Value of Pet-Induced Happiness: Adopting a Furry Friend
Unconventional Superheroes: Celebrating Everyday Heroes Among Us
The Magic of Random Acts of Kindness: Spreading Joy and Positivity
Emojis as a Universal Language: Decoding Modern Communication
The Quirky World of Useless Facts: Fun Learning and Brain Gymnastics

Ideas for Finding Impressive Persuasive Essay Topics

Finding impressive persuasive essay topics can be both exciting and challenging. The key is to identify topics that not only pique your interest but also resonate with your audience. Here are some effective strategies to help you discover compelling and attention-grabbing persuasive essay topics:

Explore Your Passions

Start by brainstorming topics that really interest you. Think about issues that you care deeply about or topics that evoke emotion. And perhaps the idea of how to start an essay funny will easily come to you. When you are passionate about a subject, it becomes easier to persuade others effectively.

Stay Informed

Keep yourself updated with current events, social issues, and trending topics. Reading newspapers, magazines, and reputable online sources will expose you to a diverse range of persuasive essay ideas.

Address Controversial Topics

Controversial issues often spark intense debates, making them excellent candidates for persuasive essays. Be sure to research both sides of the argument and present a well-balanced view.

Consider Your Audience

Think about the perspective and interests of your target audience. Understanding their viewpoints will help you choose topics that resonate with them and tailor your arguments effectively.

Look into Local Issues

Exploring problems within your community or region can add a personal touch to your essay. Local topics often strike a chord with readers, making your arguments more impactful.

Brainstorm with Others

Discussing ideas with friends, family, or classmates can generate fresh perspectives and potential topics. Collaborating with others can lead to unique and thought-provoking essay ideas.

Utilize Online Resources

There are numerous websites dedicated to providing persuasive essay topic ideas. Browse through these resources to gain inspiration and find unique angles for your essay.

Examine Ethical Dilemmas

Ethical issues often raise thought-provoking questions. Consider topics that challenge the moral compass and explore potential solutions.

Analyze Past Persuasive Essays: Reviewing successful persuasive essays can give you an idea of popular and impactful topics. However, ensure your essay presents a fresh angle to avoid repetition.

Consider Global Concerns

Addressing global challenges like climate change, poverty, or human rights can showcase your awareness of critical issues and demonstrate your commitment to creating positive change.

Remember to choose a topic that aligns with your expertise and research interests. Impressive persuasive essay topics rely on strong arguments, reliable sources, and compelling evidence. Take the time to delve into your chosen subject, gather relevant information, and craft a persuasive essay that leaves a lasting impact on your readers. With these strategies and a dash of creativity, you'll undoubtedly discover persuasive essay topics that inspire engaging discussions and win hearts.

List of 100 funny persuasive topics for you

Below we offer you a list of 100 funny and persuasive paperwork themes. We propose to divide this list into 5 main sections in which we structure the ideas for your presentation.

Fun and at the same time compelling topics on ecology

The Comedic Side of Eco-Friendly Living: How to Laugh While Saving the Planet
Eco-Fun: Hilarious Ways to Reduce Your Carbon Footprint
The Case for Eco-Comedy: Using Humor to Advocate for Environmental Conservation
Laughter for a Greener World: How Funny Persuasion Can Promote Sustainability
Eco-Jokes and Conservation: Uniting Humor and Environmental Awareness
The Funny Side of Recycling: Turning Trash into Laughs and Treasures
Laughing Our Way to a Cleaner Future: Humorous Strategies for Eco-Consciousness
The Green Giggle: How Environmentalists Can Embrace Humor in Their Advocacy
Eco-Friendly Pranks and Jokes: Promoting Environmental Consciousness with Laughter
LOL for Nature: Spreading Environmental Awareness through Hilarious Persuasion
Comedy for Conservation: Using Humor to Inspire Eco-Friendly Choices
Earth-Friendly Funnies: Incorporating Humor in Environmental Education
Giggles for Green Living: Making Sustainability Fun and Engaging
The Humorous Side of Wildlife Conservation: Laughing Our Way to Preservation
Eco-Laughs: Humorously Debunking Environmental Myths and Misconceptions
Jokes for the Environment: How Humor Can Catalyze Positive Change
Laughing at Our Eco-Mistakes: Finding Humor in Imperfect Green Living
Eco-Friendly Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Greener World
LOL for Earth: Humorous Approaches to Raise Environmental Awareness
Smiles for Sustainability: How Laughter Can Drive Green Initiatives

Options for funny persuasive cultural topics

Cultural Comedy: Using Humor to Bridge Cultural Differences
Laughing Across Cultures: How Humor Unites Humanity
The Power of Cultural Satire: Addressing Stereotypes through Comedy
Embracing Cultural Quirks: Celebrating Diversity with Laughter
Funny Traditions Around the World: Exploring the Humorous Side of Culture
Cultural Comedy Nights: Promoting Cultural Exchange through Humor
The Hilarity of Language Barrier: Overcoming Misunderstandings with Laughter
Cultural Comedy in Media: Analyzing Humorous Portrayals of Different Cultures
Humor as a Cultural Connector: Using Laughter to Foster Understanding
Cross-Cultural Stand-Up: Uniting Audiences with Diverse Comedy
The Art of Cultural Parodies: Celebrating and Appreciating Diversity through Satire
Breaking Cultural Norms with Humor: Redefining Traditions Playfully
Humorous Cultural Misconceptions: Dispelling Myths and Prejudices
Comedy and Cross-Cultural Communication: Embracing Humor in Global Interactions
Funny Travel Tales: Laughing at Cultural Blunders and Experiences
Humorous Cultural Stereotypes: Addressing Taboos with Comedy
Laughing with Respect: Using Humor to Honor and Appreciate Cultures
Cultural Humor in Everyday Life: Finding Joy in Diversity
Stand-Up for Cultural Awareness: Using Comedy for Positive Change
Cultural Comedy in the Workplace: Building Inclusive and Happy Teams

💼 Funny persuasive topics about jurisprudence

The Courtroom Chuckle: Using Humor in Legal Persuasion
Gavel Giggles: Humorous Approaches to Legal Argumentation
The Art of Legal Wit: How to Win Over the Jury with Laughter
Humor in Law School: Surviving the Rigors with a Smile
Funny Legal Language: Unraveling the Quirky Side of Legalese
Laughing at the Law: A Comedic Exploration of Legal Cases
Humorous Legal Precedents: Unusual Rulings and Courtroom Tales
The Power of Legal Satire: Addressing Legal Issues with Comedy
Courtroom Comedy: Entertaining While Making a Case
The Jokes of Justice: Humor in Legal Practice and Advocacy
Wit and Wisdom in Legal Writing: Injecting Humor into Briefs
Hilarious Deposition Moments: Finding Laughter in Serious Situations
Stand-Up for Justice: Using Comedy to Raise Legal Awareness
The Comedy of Contracts: Unusual and Amusing Legal Agreements
Lawyers with Laughs: Celebrating Funny Legal Professionals
Humorous Courtroom Quips: Funny Quotes and Anecdotes from Trials
Legal Roast and Toast: Honoring Legal Professionals with Humor
Law and Order Chuckles: How Comedy Can Influence Legal Reforms
Legal Parodies and Pranks: Exploring the Lighter Side of Jurisprudence
Hilarity in the Halls of Justice: Using Humor for Effective Legal Communication

Funny and compelling relationship topics for your talk

The Hilarious Side of Dating: Navigating Awkward Encounters with Humor
The Comedy of Relationship Quirks: Finding Laughter in Love
Couple's Comedy Night: Using Humor to Strengthen Relationship Bonds
Laughing Through Relationship Challenges: How Comedy Can Ease Tensions
Relationship Roast and Toast: Celebrating Love with Lightheartedness
Love and Laughter: Embracing Humor in Intimate Relationships
Funny Relationship Advice: Unconventional Tips for a Happy Partnership
Stand-Up for Love: Using Comedy to Communicate and Connect in Relationships
The Art of Relationship Satire: Playfully Addressing Common Couple Issues
Couples' Comedy Retreat: Building Stronger Bonds with Humorous Activities
Humorous Love Letters: Adding Fun to Romantic Communication
Relationship Pranks and Jokes: Fostering Playfulness in Love
The Joy of Inside Jokes: Creating a World of Laughter in Relationships
Funny Apologies in Relationships: Making Amends with Humor
Humor in Long-Distance Relationships: Keeping Love Alive with Laughter
The Comedy of Marriage: Exploring the Lighter Side of Matrimony
Relationship Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Stronger Connection
Laughing with Your Partner: The Benefits of Shared Humor in Relationships
Relationship Spoofs and Parodies: Celebrating Love with Playful Imitations
Funny Relationship Confessions: Embracing Imperfections in Love

Funny Persuasive Food Themes

Food Funnies: Using Humor to Spice Up Your Culinary Persuasion
Laughing at Food Trends: Exploring the Quirky Side of Gastronomy
The Comedy of Cooking: Finding Humor in Kitchen Mishaps
Stand-Up for Foodies: Using Comedy to Celebrate Culinary Adventures
The Hilarity of Food Etiquette: Embracing Table Manners with a Smile
Food Pranks and Jokes: Playful Culinary Shenanigans
Humorous Food Critiques: Reviewing Meals with a Dash of Wit
The Comedy of Food History: Unearthing Funny Culinary Anecdotes
Funny Food Pairings: Unexpected and Amusing Flavors
Cooking with Laughter: Incorporating Humor in Culinary Education
LOL for Foodies: Celebrating the Joy of Eating with Humor
Food Satire and Spoofs: Exploring the Lighter Side of Culinary Culture
The Art of Food Puns: Wordplay in the World of Gastronomy
Food Roast and Toast: Honoring Delicious Dishes with Humor
The Joy of Food Cartoons: Bringing Culinary Comedy to Life
Cooking Comedy Night: Entertaining and Educating through Culinary Humor
Humorous Food Challenges: Laughter in Culinary Competitions
Foodie Fails and Bloopers: Embracing Kitchen Mishaps with a Smile
The Funny Side of Food Advertising: Creative and Hilarious Marketing
Kitchen Stand-Up: Using Comedy to Spice Up Cooking Shows

📒 Tips for Making Your Speech or Writing Funny

Humor is a powerful tool that can captivate an audience and leave a lasting impression. Whether you're delivering a speech or writing an article, injecting humor can add charm and engage your readers or listeners. Here are some valuable tips to help you infuse humor into your speech or writing effectively:

Know Your Audience: Understand the preferences and feelings of your audience. Adjust your humor to resonate with them and avoid potentially offensive jokes. It is logical that the structure of your report will be different in different situations. If you need to come up with funny persuasive speech topics for college students, then you should choose topics that students are interested in and that will be popular among young people. If you are preparing topics for discussion with research associates, there should be much less humor before.
Use Personal Anecdotes: Share funny and intimate personal stories that are related to your topic. Authenticity can make your humor more appealing. And then the ideas of how to start an essay funny will come to you quite easily.
Wordplay and Puns: Incorporate clever wordplay and puns to add a witty touch to your content. Play with language to elicit laughter.
Timing is Key: Master the art of comedic timing. Pause before delivering the punchline to build anticipation and maximize the impact.
Embrace Observational Humor: Find humor in everyday situations and observations. This type of humor is relatable and can easily connect with your audience.
Exaggeration and Hyperbole: Playfully exaggerate situations or characters to create humor. However, ensure it remains within a reasonable and believable context.
Relieve Tension: Use humor to lighten serious topics or tense moments. It can ease the atmosphere and make your audience more receptive.
Incorporate Visuals: If possible, use visuals, such as funny images or gifs, to complement your humor and enhance the comedic effect.
Practice Delivery: Rehearse your speech or read your article out loud to gauge the flow of humor and make necessary adjustments.
Be Yourself: Embrace your unique sense of humor. Authenticity can make your humor more genuine and endearing.
Use Callbacks: Reference earlier jokes or anecdotes to create callbacks that bring added humor to your content.
Avoid Offending: Steer clear of offensive humor or jokes that may alienate your audience. Aim for inclusive and lighthearted humor.
Research Comedy: Study the work of comedians and writers known for their humor. Analyze their techniques and incorporate them into your style.
Test the Waters: If you're unsure about a joke's reception, try it out with a small, trusted audience to gauge their reaction.
Edit and Refine: Polish your speech or article to ensure the humor flows naturally and aligns with your overall message.

By following these tips, you can bring humor to your speech or writing, captivating your audience and leaving them with a smile. Who knows, maybe after that your colleagues will turn to you for advice, asking you how to start writing funny essay examples. Remember that humor is a powerful tool that can make your content more memorable and impactful. So, enjoy the laughter and watch your audience take your message in a whole new way!

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My Speech Class

Public Speaking Tips & Speech Topics

127 Funny Controversial Topics

Jim Peterson has over 20 years experience on speech writing. He wrote over 300 free speech topic ideas and how-to guides for any kind of public speaking and speech writing assignments at My Speech Class.

What better way to engage your audience and lift spirits at the same time than by introducing a funny controversial topic?

172 Funny Controversial Topics intro image

We’ve compiled several lists of fun, silly, and sometimes plain ridiculous questions organized by subject matter that you can use in your class, speech, essay, debate, or any time you need a little conversation starter. They deal with everything you can think of – from toilet paper to Harry Potter to the Universe itself!

But first, let’s explore why such topics work.

If you’re looking for a more serious tone, however, check out our list of controversial topics .

Why Use Funny Controversial Questions?

A controversial question, almost by definition, is compelling enough to stand on its own. So why add the element of humor?

In the age of social media and short attention spans, it’s getting harder and harder to keep people focused on one thing for more than a few minutes.

But it’s not impossible.

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Get your audience blown away with help from a professional speechwriter. Free proofreading and copy-editing included.

You just need two things – a topic that everyone can relate to, and a way of framing it that begs a question your readers and listeners can’t resist responding to.

That’s where controversial subjects come in. They work because people usually have a strong opinion on them one way or the other. What’s more, people might be so sure of their stance on a given topic that they really want to convince those who hold an opposing view to switch sides. This creates a great opportunity for an interesting debate.

But controversial issues may sometimes be too close to people’s hearts. Such matters can be so sensitive that people can be offended, and discussions turned into arguments.

That is why you might want to inject humor into your good debate topic. Humor is a natural and immediate way to relate to others, so it’s a great way to set the stage for a more serious question without the risk of devolving into arguments. Plus, talking about amusing things can really lighten the mood, making it an effective means of letting off steam even while a more profound conversation is taking place.

In this article:

Funny Controversial Dilemmas

Funny controversial hypotheticals, funny controversial topics on the universe, funny controversial topics on morality, funny controversial topics on food, funny controversial topics on relationships, funny controversial topics on sports, funny controversial topics on art & fiction, funny controversial topics on children & school, funny controversial topics on animals, a list of 127 funny controversial topics and questions.

So let’s dive into our funny controversial topics. If you’re looking for more serious subjects, check out our Controversial Topics page.

There are things we just can’t seem to agree on, no matter how much time we spend discussing them. That’s why introducing such topics is a great way to let ideas flow. Some of these have to do with people’s firmly established views or habits, so it’s hard to resist sharing an opinion.

Is summer better than winter?
Is spring better than fall?
Is going out better than staying home?
What’s the right way to pronounce GIF?
Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Should toilet paper hang over or under the roll?
Are morning people more productive than night people?
Are blondes really not as smart as brunettes or redheads?
Is being Instagram famous better than being TikTok famous?
Is the American accent better than the British accent?
Are introverts too quiet or extroverts too loud?

Few things are more fun than exploring hypothetical situations, whether in the realm of possibility or fantasy. There’s something captivating about putting yourself or others in a made-up situation and exploring the different reactions.

Is it OK to ask the genie for infinite wishes?
Would you rather be deaf or blind?
If you had the option, would you choose to live forever?
Would you rather be extremely short or extremely tall?
Would you give up three fingers in exchange for $1 million?
Would you rather lose both legs, both arms, or one of each?
Would you rather be rich and have no friends or poor but with many friends?
Would you rather live in a hot, sandy desert, or the North Pole?
Would you rather travel 100 years forward or back in time?
Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or 1 horse-sized duck?
How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant?
Who would win in a fight between a bear and a gorilla?
What’s the right way for a dog to wear pants?
If all world leaders were women, would there be wars?
If you could have one superpower, which one would it be?
If one superhero was real, which one should it be?
Would you rather be the hero or the sidekick?
Should there be a sarcasm font?
Should we get rid of Mondays?

Funny Controversial Topics on the Universe

We’re all fascinated by the mystery of existence, so topics about life and the Universe are immediately captivating. And since questions like these are either as of yet unanswered (or maybe even unanswerable), it’s hard to exhaust discussions that deal with them.

Do aliens exist?
Have aliens already visited us?
Does the Universe have a beginning and an end?
If the Earth is not flat, why do we say the ‘corners of the Earth’?
Can we even know if God exists?
Are we living in a simulation?
Are we living in a dream?
When did time start?
Are ghosts real?
Is water really wet?
Is thirteen an unlucky number?

Morality is no laughing matter. But there’s always a lighter side to things, especially when it comes to moral questions that deal with the imaginary or the hardly consequential.

Is the client really always right?
Is life easier when you’re beautiful?
Are looks more important than brains?
Are Santa’s elves compensated fairly?
Should it be illegal for a man to wear skinny jeans?
Does the person in the middle seat in an airplane get both armrests?
Is cheating on exams ever justified?
Is lying to help a friend acceptable?

There seem to be endless disagreements on how food should be stored, cooked, eaten, and even served. That’s probably why our list of controversial food topics is the longest one. You can probably spend days discussing the questions related to pizza alone. So here’s some food for thought (ba dum – tss).

What’s the best pizza topping?
Does pineapple belong on a pizza?
Should pizza slices be triangles or squares?
Is it ever acceptable to eat pizza with a fork and knife?
Is New York-style pizza better than Chicago-style pizza?
Is McDonald’s better than Burger King?
Is grass-fed beef better than corn-fed beef?
Is Coke better than Pepsi?
Are diet drinks worse than regular drinks?
Is tap water better than bottled water?
Is cake better than ice cream?
Should you bite or lick your ice cream?
Should red wine be kept in the fridge?
Should butter be kept in the fridge?
Should fruit be kept in the fridge?
Are gluten-free diets overhyped?
Are hotdogs sandwiches?
Is cereal a type of soup?
What is the best fry shape?
How many slices should you cut cake into?
Should you eat rice with a fork, a spoon or chopsticks?

Funny Controversial Topics on Relationships

Relationships are hard. It’s not easy to figure out what (and who) is right or wrong on any given issue within a couple. That’s why a lot of relationship questions have entered the public domain and become hot-button issues – some funnier than others.

Can men ever know what a woman want?
Do men actually gossip more than women?
Should we kiss with open or with closed eyes?
Are men with beards more attractive than clean-shaven men?
Should men and women have different roles in a relationship?
Should arguments in a couple be avoided or encouraged?
Is it OK to keep secrets from your partner?
Are long-distance relationships worth it?
Is sex before marriage wrong?
Is online dating good or bad?
Should robots have faces?
Should dating between co-workers be allowed?
Should people date a partner much older than themselves?

If you want to grab people’s attention or start a lively discussion, it’s hard to go wrong with the topic of sports. Even if part of your target audience is not interested in sports, that in itself can become a subject for discussion. Just imagine asking a group of people if baseball is boring!

Is dancing a real sport?
Is e-gaming a real sport?
Is pro-wrestling a real sport?
Is bodybuilding a real sport?
Is cheerleading a real sport?
Is golf more boring than curling?
Have touchdown celebrations gone too far?
Which one is the real football – soccer or American football?

Funny Controversial Topics on Art & Fiction

Whether it’s songs, films, books, or paintings, art is always subjective. Or is it? That’s one controversial and fun question to consider! In any case, it’s always fun to discuss topics related to art and popular fiction, as people are usually familiar with them and eager to share an opinion.

Are movies better than books?
Are e-books better than paper books?
Is music getting worse over time?
Are The Beatles overrated?
Is Bansky’s work real art or just a stunt?
Is contemporary art as good as classical art?
Is Marvel better than DC?
Is Star Wars better than Star Trek ?
Is American Idol better than The X Factor ?
Is Friends better than How I Met Your Mother ?
Is Harry Potter better than The Lord of the Rings ?
If Harry Potter -like magic existed, should it be legal?
Is Wile E. Coyote the victim, rather than the Road Runner?
Did Han Solo shoot before Greedo?

Funny Controversial Topics on Children & School

Should students be paid to go to school? Should parents force children to do homework if they don’t want to? These are just some of the questions related to kids and school that can stir a fun debate.

Are children smarter than adults?
Do nursery rhymes carry hidden messages?
Are smartphones making kids smart or stupid?
Should a student be allowed to use Twitter, Facebook or other social media sites in school?
Should students be banned from using phones during class?
Are beauty pageants hurting children’s self-esteem?
Is playing video games bad for children’s health?
Do video games make kids smarter?
Is the Barbie doll a good role model for girls?
Are clowns funny or scary?
Should a kid be allowed to keep secrets from parents?
Should a kid be allowed to get tattoos?
Should homework be banned?
Should science be optional in middle school?
Is science more important than art in school?
Should we stop teaching handwriting in school?

As much as we’d like to ask our animal companions a few things, it seems unlikely that we’ll get a coherent answer. So we’re left with discussing some animal issues among our own species.

Do dogs dream?
Are dogs smarter than cats?
Are cats better pets than dogs?
Are bunnies better pets than either cats or dogs?
Are fish the best pet?
Do animals have emotions?
Do animals have consciousness?
Are cats evil?

Looking for a funny debate topic? Check out our page dedicated to those. Or if you want to start a more serious discussion, visit our Debate Topics page.

292 Education Speech Topics [Persuasive, Informative, Argumentative]

166 Argumentative Essay Topics

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50+ Funny Argumentative Essay Topics

Joking on a serious note.

Essay writing is primarily used in schools and colleges to gauge the research, writing, and most importantly, thinking capabilities of the students. Teachers provide lectures and impart insights regarding the art and craft of writing. At the end of the semester, students need to show how much they have learned to retain and have been able to put into practice.

Many students believe that the tenser, and academically inclined topics they choose, the brighter their chances will be to score good marks. This cannot be further from the truth as teachers hardly regard topics, but the structure, thesis, and overall format of the essay. That’s why you can joke on a serious note!

Outlining Your Argumentative Essay Before Writing

Argumentative essay writing is one of the common types employed in academic institutions to gauge the capabilities of the students. It is different from narrative and descriptive essays because it follows a logical sequence of arguments and sticks to a rigid structure and organization. There are many types of argumentative essays, but they rely on starting with an argument and then gathering evidence to support its soundness.

Outlining the argumentative essay from the beginning provides a clear heading and discernible scope to the essay. Students will know which resources to scour and which evidence to earmark for further use. If a writer fails to outline his argumentative essay from the start, he will have a hard time keeping up with the deadline. That’s why we have added this step of writing in our guide on writing an argumentative essay in the concluding sections of this blog.

Can Funny Topics Become Controversial?

Argumentative essays can be written on funny topics or ideas that seem preposterous to the school and college professors. As we have mentioned earlier, what matters the most is how the execution of the essay is done by the writer, not the solemnity of his topic.

There is always a chance that when students go this unusual way, they might face controversy and criticism from the teachers. In a way, this is about argumentative essay writing. You can develop an argument no matter how absurd it may seem. You can work on it by gathering the necessary information, developing a thesis, and then moving on to the writing part. If it sticks in the face of scrutiny from both peers and professors, it is right. The controversy is not always bad, especially when it leads to new developments in human thought.

Funny Topics For School And College Students

Students love to joke around the campus. The pranks can go too far, but the comedy and hilarity in writing show more than just jokes. Writers who can write witty punch lines with impeccable timing can score well in their academic writing too. All they need to do is learn the ropes of academic writing.

In this section, we will go through some of the best funny topics that students can explore in their argumentative essays at different levels, from college to middle school.

Fun Argumentative Essay Topics For College

The college provides much more artistic freedom to students and young writers compared to high school and lower academic echelons. Since there are dedicated programs for writing, they can learn and apply the knowledge of writing across their studies. This not only helps them in broadening their academic horizon but also helps them to explore a novel side of writing. Here are our topic suggestions for college.

Cigarettes are a great way to break the ice with strangers
Dating apps are a disaster for romance and intimacy
Freedom of expression should have a cost
Is it teachers or parents that are to blame in the end?
The Middle East is a ripe ground for democracy
Fast food companies provide cheap and healthy food
Global warming helps us keep warm in winters
The world will be a better place without religion
Organic food is over-rated
Marketing gimmicks are the norms
Conflicts should be welcomed in healthy relationships
Why lecture attendance is a problem for lazy students
Taxing the rich is the best way to help the poor and the needy
Sex education is harmful to young adults
Paying for music should be compulsory

Hilarious Argumentative Essay Topics For High School

For many young writers, high school is where their love for writing and learning starts. It is where they see the possibilities in restraints. Funny topics are not welcomed in school because of the conservative approach toward learning. Especially the topics that can incite controversies are avoided at all costs. Still, there are grey areas that students can explore in their search for a funny argumentative essay.

Facebook is the best place to know your teachers
If companies cannot outsmart their competitors, they should copy it
Internet should be highly censored, especially for comedy and fun content
Customer complaints are the best source of learning for businesses
Energy drinks should become mandatory in schools
Social media is the best source to learn the truth
There is no racial bias in the police system of the US
People can end their lives as it is their right
Terrorists should be treated with clemency
Mind or body or body over mind – a simple discourse
The court system today has no flaws at all
The radical redistribution of wealth will eradicate poverty
Guns should have rights to own people
There is no need for gender inclusivity

Funny Argumentative Essay Topics For Middle School

Middle school is not the place where students can have their say in picking a funny topic for an argumentative essay. Teachers provide topics and even detailed guidelines on how to develop an argument and then crystallize it through a thesis statement. Still, if students get a chance to write on the topic of their choice, one of these funny argumentative essay topics will be great.

Vegetarians are destroying plants
The internet is the bane of human being’s existence
The death penalty should be revived for economic purposes
Governments should pay their citizens
Governments should not provide free medical services to people
Political activism is a mess
We are now farthest than ever from World War 3
Public surveillance cameras are for security purposes
The sky is the limit for space exploration
Marijuana is the wonder cure for all maladies
Overuse of smartphones is not bad at all
There should not be any educational limit for the police force
Nature is killing us by default
Illegal drugs are not bad for us at all
The right to vote should be banned in democracies

Amusing Argumentative Essay Topics

Irrespective of the level of academics, funny topics come and go on campuses. There is always empowering for students to be able to pick up a topic and do justice to it, whether it is funny or serious. Argumentative essays often carry a serious countenance but they can act as perfect tools to make a joke – even on a serious note. Here are some more great suggestions.

Employees should be allowed to use social media at work
Companies are obligated to send birthday presents to their clients
Staying at home all day is better than staying at an office all day
Shakespeare plagiarized all of these plays from obscure writers
Internet slang should be included in the dictionaries
Full-day kindergarten is better for parents
The English language is not simple at all
Kids should be paid to draw on walls
Music is a therapy for the rich and the spoiled
Modern schools are better off without the internet
Online classes are better than in-person classes
Medical practices in primitive cultures were not evasive
Hospitals should employ placebo treatments to save real drugs
Innovations are making us agiler and healthier
Bosses are the oxygen of modern corporate culture

How To Ace Your Argumentative Essay

After going through the best funny topics for your argumentative essays, it is time to take a look at how to approach writing one. Students know what an argumentative essay is and what its characteristics are, but they may find themselves at odds while sitting down to write. This is where this little guide will walk them through different steps.

Start with sifting through multiple ideas. Just because an idea came into your head at a fortunate moment did not mean it was the best one. Try numerous ideas before settling on one
Arguments need to be blasted out of the ground – figuratively. It is hard to have an impeccable argument readily at the back of your head. You may have to work hard to nurture one
We have already discussed the importance of outlining your argumentative essay in the opening sections. Suffice it to say that you can easily complete your write-up quickly if you heavily outline it in the first place
After all these preliminary steps, what’s left is to sit down and write. No need to get worried if there are any errors or inconsistencies in the essay. They can all be weeded out in the editing and proofing stages

What are some fun argumentative essay topics?

Fun argumentative essays can help writers work through controversial areas with ease. Since they are cloaked in humor, they can easily “get away” with certain things. Here are some areas that can add a twist to the topics:

Commentary on social norms and issues
A witty take on systems
Issues with politics and economy
Discourse on the human condition

What should I write about for a fun essay?

It takes serious writing to compose funny essays – pun intended. Writers need to research a lot and make sure their points are made across without being died down in the process. The best thing that writers should do for fun essays is to employ literary devices such as satire, similes, metaphors, and so on.

What are good argumentative essays?

Argumentative essays have the primary purpose of persuading the readers. Here are some of the characteristics of good argumentative essays:

Rational in approach
Neutral tone and voice
Reliance on empirical evidence
Well-structured

What are some interesting arguments?

Interesting arguments need to be novel in their content and approach. They should explore new angles and ideas, especially when connecting the dots for the readers. Any argument can be interesting if it is well-founded and backed by evidence.

What are some good essay topics for high school?

High school essay writing is important because it helps writers to gain the necessary knowledge. This vocation readily helps them in getting admission, among other things. If you want to know some good and funny essay topics for argumentative essays in high school, this blog post has plenty.

How can I write funny argumentative essays that are not controversial?

Fun and comedy can garner controversy. But as long as you stick to the research and arguments backed by empirical evidence, there are few chances that your funny argumentative essay will not meet controversy.

Funny Academic Essay Writing

Narrative and descriptive essay writing are considered the easiest because they allow writers to showcase their angle on the topic or the problem. An argumentative essay is often backed by evidential information with heavy reliance on proofs. But you can explore different hilarious topics in argumentative essays, as long as their nature remains intact and it checks all the boxes.

This guide has covered major parts of essay writing along with some topic suggestions for writers. While writing argumentative essays with a twist, will help them a lot.

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130 New Prompts for Argumentative Writing

Questions on everything from mental health and sports to video games and dating. Which ones inspire you to take a stand?

By The Learning Network

Note: We have an updated version of this list, with 300 new argumentative writing prompts .

What issues do you care most about? What topics do you find yourself discussing passionately, whether online, at the dinner table, in the classroom or with your friends?

In Unit 5 of our free yearlong writing curriculum and related Student Editorial Contest , we invite students to research and write about the issues that matter to them, whether that’s Shakespeare , health care , standardized testing or being messy .

But with so many possibilities, where does one even begin? Try our student writing prompts.

In 2017, we compiled a list of 401 argumentative writing prompts , all drawn from our daily Student Opinion column . Now, we’re rounding up 130 more we’ve published since then ( available here as a PDF ). Each prompt links to a free Times article as well as additional subquestions that can help you think more deeply about it.

You might use this list to inspire your own writing and to find links to reliable resources about the issues that intrigue you. But even if you’re not participating in our contest, you can use these prompts to practice the kind of low-stakes writing that can help you hone your argumentation skills.

So scroll through the list below with questions on everything from sports and mental health to dating and video games and see which ones inspire you to take a stand.

Please note: Many of these prompts are still open to comment by students 13 and up.

Technology & Social Media

1. Do Memes Make the Internet a Better Place? 2. Does Online Public Shaming Prevent Us From Being Able to Grow and Change? 3. How Young Is Too Young to Use Social Media? 4. Should the Adults in Your Life Be Worried by How Much You Use Your Phone? 5. Is Your Phone Love Hurting Your Relationships? 6. Should Kids Be Social Media Influencers? 7. Does Grammar Still Matter in the Age of Twitter? 8. Should Texting While Driving Be Treated Like Drunken Driving? 9. How Do You Think Technology Affects Dating?

10. Are Straight A’s Always a Good Thing? 11. Should Schools Teach You How to Be Happy? 12. How Do You Think American Education Could Be Improved? 13. Should Schools Test Their Students for Nicotine and Drug Use? 14. Can Social Media Be a Tool for Learning and Growth in Schools? 15. Should Facial Recognition Technology Be Used in Schools? 16. Should Your School Day Start Later? 17. How Should Senior Year in High School Be Spent? 18. Should Teachers Be Armed With Guns? 19. Is School a Place for Self-Expression? 20. Should Students Be Punished for Not Having Lunch Money? 21. Is Live-Streaming Classrooms a Good Idea? 22. Should Gifted and Talented Education Be Eliminated? 23. What Are the Most Important Things Students Should Learn in School? 24. Should Schools Be Allowed to Censor Student Newspapers? 25. Do You Feel Your School and Teachers Welcome Both Conservative and Liberal Points of View? 26. Should Teachers and Professors Ban Student Use of Laptops in Class? 27. Should Schools Teach About Climate Change? 28. Should All Schools Offer Music Programs? 29. Does Your School Need More Money? 30. Should All Schools Teach Cursive? 31. What Role Should Textbooks Play in Education? 32. Do Kids Need Recess?

College & Career

33. What Is Your Reaction to the College Admissions Cheating Scandal? 34. Is the College Admissions Process Fair? 35. Should Everyone Go to College? 36. Should College Be Free? 37. Are Lavish Amenities on College Campuses Useful or Frivolous? 38. Should ‘Despised Dissenters’ Be Allowed to Speak on College Campuses? 39. How Should the Problem of Sexual Assault on Campuses Be Addressed? 40. Should Fraternities Be Abolished? 41. Is Student Debt Worth It?

Mental & Physical Health

42. Should Students Get Mental Health Days Off From School? 43. Is Struggle Essential to Happiness? 44. Does Every Country Need a ‘Loneliness Minister’? 45. Should Schools Teach Mindfulness? 46. Should All Children Be Vaccinated? 47. What Do You Think About Vegetarianism? 48. Do We Worry Too Much About Germs? 49. What Advice Should Parents and Counselors Give Teenagers About Sexting? 50. Do You Think Porn Influences the Way Teenagers Think About Sex?

Race & Gender

51. How Should Parents Teach Their Children About Race and Racism? 52. Is America ‘Backsliding’ on Race? 53. Should All Americans Receive Anti-Bias Education? 54. Should All Companies Require Anti-Bias Training for Employees? 55. Should Columbus Day Be Replaced With Indigenous Peoples Day? 56. Is Fear of ‘The Other’ Poisoning Public Life? 57. Should the Boy Scouts Be Coed? 58. What Is Hard About Being a Boy?

59. Can You Separate Art From the Artist? 60. Are There Subjects That Should Be Off-Limits to Artists, or to Certain Artists in Particular? 61. Should Art Come With Trigger Warnings? 62. Should Graffiti Be Protected? 63. Is the Digital Era Improving or Ruining the Experience of Art? 64. Are Museums Still Important in the Digital Age? 65. In the Age of Digital Streaming, Are Movie Theaters Still Relevant? 66. Is Hollywood Becoming More Diverse? 67. What Stereotypical Characters Make You Cringe? 68. Do We Need More Female Superheroes? 69. Do Video Games Deserve the Bad Rap They Often Get? 70. Should Musicians Be Allowed to Copy or Borrow From Other Artists? 71. Is Listening to a Book Just as Good as Reading It? 72. Is There Any Benefit to Reading Books You Hate?

73. Should Girls and Boys Sports Teams Compete in the Same League? 74. Should College Athletes Be Paid? 75. Are Youth Sports Too Competitive? 76. Is It Selfish to Pursue Risky Sports Like Extreme Mountain Climbing? 77. How Should We Punish Sports Cheaters? 78. Should Technology in Sports Be Limited? 79. Should Blowouts Be Allowed in Youth Sports? 80. Is It Offensive for Sports Teams and Their Fans to Use Native American Names, Imagery and Gestures?

81. Is It Wrong to Focus on Animal Welfare When Humans Are Suffering? 82. Should Extinct Animals Be Resurrected? If So, Which Ones? 83. Are Emotional-Support Animals a Scam? 84. Is Animal Testing Ever Justified? 85. Should We Be Concerned With Where We Get Our Pets? 86. Is This Exhibit Animal Cruelty or Art?

Parenting & Childhood

87. Who Should Decide Whether a Teenager Can Get a Tattoo or Piercing? 88. Is It Harder to Grow Up in the 21st Century Than It Was in the Past? 89. Should Parents Track Their Teenager’s Location? 90. Is Childhood Today Over-Supervised? 91. How Should Parents Talk to Their Children About Drugs? 92. What Should We Call Your Generation? 93. Do Other People Care Too Much About Your Post-High School Plans? 94. Do Parents Ever Cross a Line by Helping Too Much With Schoolwork? 95. What’s the Best Way to Discipline Children? 96. What Are Your Thoughts on ‘Snowplow Parents’? 97. Should Stay-at-Home Parents Be Paid? 98. When Do You Become an Adult?

Ethics & Morality

99. Why Do Bystanders Sometimes Fail to Help When They See Someone in Danger? 100. Is It Ethical to Create Genetically Edited Humans? 101. Should Reporters Ever Help the People They Are Covering? 102. Is It O.K. to Use Family Connections to Get a Job? 103. Is $1 Billion Too Much Money for Any One Person to Have? 104. Are We Being Bad Citizens If We Don’t Keep Up With the News? 105. Should Prisons Offer Incarcerated People Education Opportunities? 106. Should Law Enforcement Be Able to Use DNA Data From Genealogy Websites for Criminal Investigations? 107. Should We Treat Robots Like People?

Government & Politics

108. Does the United States Owe Reparations to the Descendants of Enslaved People? 109. Do You Think It Is Important for Teenagers to Participate in Political Activism? 110. Should the Voting Age Be Lowered to 16? 111. What Should Lawmakers Do About Guns and Gun Violence? 112. Should Confederate Statues Be Removed or Remain in Place? 113. Does the U.S. Constitution Need an Equal Rights Amendment? 114. Should National Monuments Be Protected by the Government? 115. Should Free Speech Protections Include Self Expression That Discriminates? 116. How Important Is Freedom of the Press? 117. Should Ex-Felons Have the Right to Vote? 118. Should Marijuana Be Legal? 119. Should the United States Abolish Daylight Saving Time? 120. Should We Abolish the Death Penalty? 121. Should the U.S. Ban Military-Style Semiautomatic Weapons? 122. Should the U.S. Get Rid of the Electoral College? 123. What Do You Think of President Trump’s Use of Twitter? 124. Should Celebrities Weigh In on Politics? 125. Why Is It Important for People With Different Political Beliefs to Talk to Each Other?

510 Funny Speech Topics & Informative, Persuasive Ideas

Icon Calendar 18 May 2024
Icon Page 4018 words
Icon Clock 18 min read

Funny speech topics revolve around entertaining themes that provoke laughter and amusement. They often include anecdotal tales, parodies, satires, and personal comic experiences that can humanize the speaker, bringing a relatable touch. Topics may range from humorous perspectives on everyday life to playful takes on societal norms, trending pop culture, or even absurd, hypothetical scenarios. Using humor, the speaker can delve into subject matters that would otherwise seem mundane or generic, transforming them into hilarious narratives or poignant commentary. The aim is to inspire laughter while creating an engaging and memorable experience for the listeners. In turn, successful funny speech topics not only tell jokes but also convey a message or a lesson wrapped in humor, making communication effective and enjoyable.

Best Fun Speech Topics

Evolution of Animation in the 21st Century
Impacts of Virtual Reality on Human Perception
Dark Matter: The Unsolved Mystery of the Universe
Astonishing Advances in Bionic Technologies
Hidden Gems: Lesser-Known Cultures of the World
Intriguing Intersections of Science and Religion
Food as Art: The World of Culinary Creativity
Influence of Hip-Hop Culture on Fashion Trends
Polar Bears: Survival Tactics in Extreme Conditions
Artificial Intelligence Revolutionizes Healthcare Delivery
Comic Books: Powerful Platforms for Social Commentary
Rise of Plant-Based Diets: Pros and Cons
Deep-Sea Creatures and Their Bizarre Adaptations
Space Tourism: The Dawn of a New Era
Mysterious Phenomenon of Crop Circles Explained
Blockchain Technology Redefines Financial Transactions
Cryptids: Chasing Legends in Modern Folklore
Futuristic Architecture: Innovations for Sustainable Cities
Mind-Bending Mysteries of the Human Brain
Walking the Tightrope: Balancing Work and Play
Cultivating Happiness: The Science Behind Positive Psychology
Sustainable Fashion: Revolution in the Apparel Industry
Fascinating World of Bio-Luminescent Organisms
Time Capsules: Messages for Future Generations
Unraveling the Secret Language of Dolphins
Living Off-Grid: A Lifestyle Without Technology
Coffee Culture: Global Variations and Traditions

Funny Speech Topics & Informative, Persuasive Ideas

Easy Fun Speech Topics

Magic of Mushrooms: Fungi’s Role in Ecosystems
Living on Mars: Future of Space Colonization
Influence of Memes on Popular Culture
Color Psychology: Effects on Human Behavior
Unheard Languages: The World’s Least Known Tongues
Secrets of the Deep Jungle: Uncharted Wildlife
Dream Interpretation: Unlocking the Subconscious Mind
Insects: Underappreciated Heroes of Biodiversity
Longevity: Unraveling the Secrets of Blue Zones
Tea Ceremonies: Rituals Around the World
Ghost Towns: Stories of Abandoned Places
Pioneering Women in the Field of Science
Resilience: Understanding Human Adaptability in Adversity
Robotics: Future of Automation in Daily Life
Gastronomy: The Science Behind Delicious Food
Public Art: Catalysts for Urban Renewal
Urban Farming: Greening the Concrete Jungle
Wildlife Photography: Capturing Nature’s Wonders
Augmented Reality: Changing the Face of Entertainment
The Intriguing History of Cryptography
Unusual Sports From Around the Globe
Quantum Computing: The Future of Technology
Bird Migration: A Stunning Global Journey
Harnessing the Power of Solar Energy

Interesting Fun Speech Topics

Demystifying the Illusion Art of Street Performers
Life Under Ice: Exploring Antarctica’s Ecosystem
Making Music With Unconventional Instruments
Volcanoes: Nature’s Spectacular Fireworks
Secret World of Spies: Espionage Through the Ages
Tattoos: Body Art Across Cultures and Histories
Culinary Adventures: Exotic Foods of the World
Pyramids: The Mysteries of Ancient Architecture
Butterflies: Nature’s Flying Masterpieces
Bioluminescence: The Science of Living Light
Forest Bathing: The Healing Power of Nature
Battle of the Browsers: Evolution of Internet Surfing
Therapeutic Effect of Pets on Human Health
Life’s Extremities: Organisms in the Hottest and Coldest Places
Exploring the Mysterious World of Dreams
Impact of Social Media on Modern Politics
The Fascinating Science of Forensics
Space Junk: The Growing Problem Above Us
Incredible Inventions that Changed the World
Ice Cream: A Global Love Affair With a Cold Treat
Unusual Pets: Exotic Animal Companions
Nanotechnology: The Small Scale That Changes Everything
Transforming Waste Into Art: Upcycling Innovations
Taboos: Social Constraints and Cultural Differences

Funny Speech Topics for High School

Secret Life of Cafeteria Food: An Investigation
Emojis as the New Universal Language
Why Will Robots Never Win the Comedy Club?
Aliens Among Us: Spotting Extraterrestrial Classmates
Prom Disasters: A Comical Analysis
Embarrassing Incidents During Virtual Classes
How to Survive Zombie Teachers
Sock Puppets: A Fashion Statement?
Homework Myths: Why Aliens Really Stole My Assignment?
The Art of Effective Procrastination
Toilet Paper Fashion Show: A Roll of Style
Hilarious Truths About Being a High School Mascot
Pranks Gone Wrong: Cautionary Tales
The Unbelievable Adventures of My Imaginary Pet
Gym Class Hero: A Tale of Triumphant Failure
Bathroom Graffiti: Hidden Messages or Art Masterpieces?
Teachers’ Lounge Secrets: A Comedic Exploration
Navigating Hallways: An Epic Journey
Invention Mishaps: Comical Attempts at Genius
Epic Battle: Vending Machines vs. Students
Uncovering the Mystery of the Lost Pens
Bizarre Moments in High School Sports
Lockers: A Tale of Lost and Found Treasures
Dances With Textbooks: An Academic Ballet

Funny Speech Topics for College Students

Misinterpretations of Common English Idioms
Professors’ Funniest In-Class Blunders
The Great Cafeteria Food Mystery
Dorm Room Disasters: What Not to Do?
Campus Squirrel Shenanigans: Stories from the Quad
Social Media Fails: A Compilation of Epic Proportions
Late-Night Study Sessions: The Unrevealed Truth
Athletic Mascots: Their Untold Backstories
College Pranks: Our Most Epic Tales
Unusual Courses Offered at Universities
Sporting Events: When Cheering Becomes Excessive?
Survival Tactics for 8 AM Classes
Craziest Things Found in Library Books
Thriving on Instant Noodles: The Ultimate Guide
College Students’ Most Innovative Excuses
Unspoken Rules of Dorm Life
Unforgettable Stories from Fraternity Parties
Fashion Disasters: Trends That Should Not Have Happened
Campus Statues: Their Funniest Vandalisms
Unintentionally Hilarious Academic Papers
Textbooks: Where to Find the Hidden Humor
Relationship Drama: Love at the Time of Finals
Thrift Store Treasures: Student Style Edition
Misadventures in Public Speaking Classes
Acquiring Cooking Skills: Tales of Trial and Error
Overheard Conversations on Campus

Funny Speech Topics for University Students

Professor Ratings: The Hilarious Reality
Memorable Moments from Student Elections
Foreign Language Class Bloopers
Strange Traditions at Colleges Around the World
Scavenger Hunts: Unforgettable Campus Adventures
Intramural Sports: The Hilariously Unathletic Side
Bizarre Local Restaurants Near Campuses
Navigating Awkward Roommate Situations
Unconventional Stress-Relief Tactics During Finals
Off-Campus Housing Horrors: Lessons Learned
Lab Experiments Gone Wrong: Science Mishaps
Extracurricular Clubs: The Weird, the Wacky, and the Wonderful
Parody of Famous Speeches: A Creative Interpretation
Artistic Impressions of College Life
Road Trips: Misadventures and Unanticipated Detours
Best Practices for Procrastination: Tales From the Experts
Celebrating Birthdays: The Unique College Way
When Spell-Check Fails: Hilarious Typos in Assignments
The Odyssey of Lost-and-Found Items
Unusual Majors: Discovering Unique Areas of Study
Evolution of Student Slang: A Historical Journey
Nightmares of Online Classes: Technical Glitches and Beyond
Trying New Sports: Hilarious Outcomes
Coffee Addicts: Unusual Tales of Dependency

Presentation Funny Speech Topics

The Art of Magic and Illusion
The Power of Protest Songs in Social Movements
Understanding the Mysteries of Black Holes
History’s Most Famous Heists
The Evolution of Video Games
The Future of Drone Technology
Mysterious World of the Giant Squid
The Ancient Art of Storytelling
The Unseen World of Microorganisms
The Influence of Weather on Mood and Behavior
The Emergence of Cryptocurrency: A New Financial Era
Mysteries and Legends of the Bermuda Triangle
Graffiti: A Colorful Form of Urban Expression
The Role of Bees in the Global Ecosystem
Treasure Hunting: Exploring the World of Metal Detecting
The Marvelous World of Miniature Art
Understanding Our Universe: The Role of Telescopes
The Resurgence of Vinyl Records
Futuristic Medicine: The Promise of Gene Therapy
Exploring the Depths: The Art of Scuba Diving
Cinematic Magic: Behind-the-Scenes of Filmmaking
Salamanders: Masters of Regeneration

Argumentative Funny Speech Topics

Penguins as Skilled Business Executives: A Chilly Proposition
Transforming Deserts Into Giant Sandboxes: A Drought of Fun
Banning Broccoli: A Vegetable Revolt
Living Underwater: Mermaid Lifestyle for Humans
Food Fights as Mediation Tactics: A Messy Resolution
The World Dominated by Squirrels: A Nutty Hypothesis
Mandatory Unicorn Riding Lessons in Schools: A Fantasy-Turned Reality
Baking Cookies on Mars: A Crispy Outer Space Venture
Allowing Toys to Vote: A Child’s Perspective
Adopting Trolls for Bridge Security: A Mythical Proposal
Elephants as Household Pets: The Bigger, the Better
Turning the Moon into a Giant Billboard: An Astronomical Advertisement
Professional Pillow Fighting: Establishing a Soft Sport
Balloons as an Alternative Transport System: The Lighter Side of Commute
Gummy Bears for Breakfast: A Sticky Situation
Clouds as Cotton Candy: A Sweet Metaphor
Appointing Dogs as Mail Carriers: A Furry Delivery
Socks as Currency: A Footwear Revolution
Gorillas as Gym Trainers: A Beastly Approach
Flying Carpets for Daily Commute: A Magical Solution
Owning a Pet Griffin: A Mythical Guide
A World Without Mirrors: Beauty in the Unknown
Turning Skyscrapers into Giant Slides: A Quick Descent
Slippers as the Official Footwear: A Cozy Proposal

Persuasive Funny Speech Topics

Ghosts as Roommates: A Spooky Co-Living
Bubbles for Stress Relief: The Soapier, the Better
Octopuses as Kitchen Assistants: Eight Times the Help
Wearing Pajamas to Work: A Comfortable Transition
Proving Pigs Can Fly: An Uplifting Analysis
Fairies as Electricians: A Magical Power Source
Toilet Paper as a Form of Art: A Roll in Creativity
Using Roller Skates for Efficient Office Movement
Wizards as School Teachers: A Magical Curriculum
Rainbows as the New Fashion Trend: A Colorful Spin
Dragons as Eco-Friendly Transport: A Fiery Proposition
Building Tree Houses for Adults: A Wooden Haven
Using Shampoo as a Drink: A Bubbly Brew
Living in a World Ruled by Children: A Tiny Transition
Giants as Construction Workers: A Massive Proposal
Allowing Ice Cream for Breakfast: A Frosty Start to the Day
Lollipops as a Solution to World Peace: A Sweet Strategy
Cows as Lawn Mowers: An Eco-Friendly Trim
Turning Every Day into Halloween: A Permanent Trick or Treat
Owls as Night Watchmen: A Hoot of a Job
Using Fairy Dust for Instant Cleaning: A Magical Solution
Living Life According to Fortune Cookies: A Crunchy Future
Using Dreams as Television Shows: A Surreal Entertainment
Swapping Houses With Celebrities: A Starry Proposal

Informative Funny Speech Topics

Amusing Evolution of Breakfast Cereal Mascots
Unbelievable Animal Misconceptions: Debunking Fallacies
Light-Hearted Journey through Dance Move History
Wacky World of Pun-Infused Jokes: Linguistic Delights
Marvelous Art of Comedic Improvisation
Surprising Science Behind Laughter: Unveiling Mechanics
Quirky Origins of Bizarre Phobias and Irrational Fears
Giggle-Inducing Secrets of Memes and Internet Hilarity
Unusual Traditions From Across the Globe: An Amusing Exploration
Bizarre and Hilarious World of Parody Music: Weird Al Yankovic
Entertaining Experiences With TV Sitcom Moments
Unexpected Side of Stand-Up Comedy: Tales From the Stage
Peculiar Habits of Eccentric Geniuses Throughout History
Whimsical Artistry of Cartoons: Doodles to Masterpieces
Hysterical History of Practical Jokes and Hilarious Pranks
Curious World of Competitive Air Guitar: A Musical Farce
Playful Science of April Fools’ Day: Deconstructing Hoaxes
Comical Evolution of Internet Slang and Abbreviations
Side-Splitting Stories of Famous Comedy Duos
Hilarious Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Stand-Up Comedian
Witty Wonders of Satire: Journey into Irony
Amusing Art of Nonsense Poetry: Crafting Rhymes That Baffle
Laughable History of Ridiculous Inventions
Silly Secrets of Clowning: Balloons, Makeup, and Slapstick
Laugh-Out-Loud Chronicles of Classic Comedy Films

Public Funny Speech Topics

Hilarious Insights on Parenting: Nurturing Little Laughter Machines
The Quirks of Online Dating: Searching for Love in a Swipe-Right World
Laughing Our Way Through Office Politics: Surviving the Cubicle Jungle
Side-Splitting Travel Mishaps: Adventures in Lost Luggage and Missed Flights
Comedy in the Kitchen: Mastering Culinary Catastrophes With a Smile
Chuckles in the Classroom: How to Survive Teachers With a Sense of Humor?
Unforgettable Wedding Disasters: I Do’s, Oops, and Hilarity Ensues
The Ups and Downs of DIY Projects: When Your Home Improvement Dreams Become Comedy Acts?
Roaring With Laughter: Taming Wild Pets and Their Mischievous Antics
Laughing Out Loud at Awkward Family Gatherings: Lessons in Love and Laughter
Finding Humor in Fitness Fails: Embracing the Gym Life With a Big Smile
From Catwalk to Cat Fails: Unveiling the Comical Side of Fashion
Guffaws and Gags in the Gaming World: Mastering Virtual Adventures With a Sense of Humor
The Chronicles of Awkward Social Encounters: Turning Red Faces Into Belly Laughs
The Comedy of First Dates: Awkward Moments, Epic Fails, and Endless Laughter
Laughter Therapy: How Humor Can Heal and Unwind Our Daily Stress?
Stand-Up Comedy Survival Guide: Making People Laugh Without Breaking a Sweat
The Comedy of Technology Fails: Embracing Glitches and Technical Difficulties
Chuckles and Chaos in Traffic Jams: The Commuter’s Guide to Keeping Sane
The Hilarity of Pet Ownership: Furry Friends and Their Unpredictable Antics
The Funny Side of Exercise: Turning Sweating Into Smiles
Comedy in the Corporate World: Breaking the Ice and Building Bridges With Humor
Navigating Awkward Conversations With Grace and Wit: Turning Tension Into Laughter
Laughing Through Financial Woes: Finding Humor in Money Matters
The Jokes on Us: A Light-Hearted Look at Everyday Blunders and Mistakes
The Power of Puns: Unleashing Wordplay for Maximum Chuckles

Motivational Funny Speech Topics

Unleashing the Hilarious Power of Positive Thinking
Embracing Laughter: The Key to Unlocking Success
Climbing the Humorous Mountain of Personal Growth
Mastering the Art of Juggling Life’s Challenges
Roaring With Confidence: The Funny Path to Self-Discovery
Laughing Your Way to the Top: Success With a Smile
Embracing Imperfection: Finding Joy in the Quirks
The Comedic Journey of Overcoming Obstacles
Hilarious Strategies for Boosting Productivity
Sparking Creativity With a Side of Humor
Finding Balance Through Belly-Laughter
The Humorous Path to Self-Motivation
Chuckles and Triumphs: Laughing Your Way to Victory
Hurdling Barriers with a Comic Twist
The Funny Fuel for Reaching New Heights
Embracing Failure: The Comedic Road to Success
The Power of Hilarity in Building Resilience
Laughing in the Face of Fear: Conquering Challenges With Humor
From Giggles to Greatness: Unleashing Your Full Potential
Harnessing the Joyful Energy of Funny Inspirations
The Laughter Workout: Flexing Funny Muscles for Success
Poking Fun at Procrastination: Proven Techniques to Get Things Done
Quirky Confidence: Embracing Your Unique Awesomeness
Tickling the Funny Bone of Creativity

Demonstration Funny Speech Topics

Unforgettable Adventures: Skydiving With a Hilarious Jester
The Hysterical Science of Flatulence
An Outrageous Guide to Wild Pillow Fights
Training Your Pet Octopus to Perform a Comedic Dance Routine
The Art of Pranking: Mastering Classic Gags and Tricks
Laughter Therapy: The Professional Tickling Revolution
The Epic Clash: Socks vs. Sandals Showdown
Conversing With Inanimate Objects: The Absurdity Unveiled
Finding Humor in Unconventional Sports: The Comedy Olympics
The Secret Life of Pigeons: Tales From the Avian Comedy Club
The Great Breakfast Rebellion: Pancake Mayhem
The Smiling Deception: Navigating Awkward Social Encounters
Exploring the World of Corny Dad Jokes
The Musical Bathroom: Singing Showers and Dancing Toothbrushes
Embracing Your Inner Clown: Lessons From the Circus Academy
Awkward Dance Moves: The Science Behind the Laughter
The Adventures of the Superhero Sock: A One-Footed Comedy Crusade
Animal Impersonations: Unleashing the Inner Beast
Surviving as a Stand-Up Comedian’s Heckler: Trials and Tribulations
The Comedy of Mistakes: Embracing Fails and Blunders
Rubber Chicken Chronicles: A Life Less Ordinary
Laughing at Yourself: The Unexpected Benefits
The Mime’s Handbook: A Quirky Guide to Silence and Gestures
Conversations With Plants: Unveiling the Botanical Comedy Scene
The Prankster Gnome’s Unbelievable Journey
The Science of Laughter: Making an Entire Room Snort

Humorous Speeches Ideas

Laughing Lessons: How to Master the Art of Hilarity?
Roaring Robots: When Artificial Intelligence Tells Jokes?
Tummy Troubles: A Comedic Exploration of Digestive Disasters
Hilarious Hobbies: Unconventional Pastimes for a Good Laugh
Fumbling Fiascos: Tales of Awkward Moments and Misadventures
Giggle Gurus: Seeking Wisdom From Professional Comedians
Pranks and Pandemonium: Navigating the Fine Line of Practical Jokes
Jovial Jargon: Decoding the Language of Comedy
Comedy Cuisine: Spice Up Your Cooking With Laughter
Witty Wonders: Unraveling the Science Behind Humor
Tickling the Ivories: The Musical Side of Comedy
Mischievous Memoirs: Tales of Childhood Mischief and Mayhem
Chuckle Chronicles: Memorable Moments from Stand-Up Comedy History
Side-Splitting Surprises: Unexpected Laughter in Everyday Life
Hilarity on Wheels: A Humorous Journey Through Transportation Woes
Light-Hearted Learning: Lessons in Laughter From the Classroom
Silly Superheroes: Unveiling the Comedic Side of Caped Crusaders
Laughing Legends: Iconic Figures Who Defined Comedy
Giggling Geography: Discovering the Funniest Places on Earth
Quirky Quotations: Unearthing the Wittiest Lines in Literature
Laughable Laws: Exploring Bizarre Legalities Around the World
Hysterical History: Forgotten Tales of Laughter From the Past
Jokes on Screen: A Cinematic Celebration of Comedy
Stand-Up Secrets: Behind the Scenes of a Comedian’s Routine
Comedy and Crime: When Humor Collides With the Law?
Hilarious Health: The Benefits of Laughter for Well-Being
Comic Conundrums: Solving Riddles and Puzzles With Humor

Comedy Speeches

Hilarious Adventures of a Rubber Duck
The Absurdity of Unicycling Hippos
Laughing Through Life’s Little Mishaps
Peculiarities of Pogo Stick Races
Mirthful Mayhem: Clowns vs. Monkeys
Tickling the Funny Bone: Stand-Up Comedy Secrets
Chuckles and Chortles: An Ode to Silly Walks
The Unforgettable Fiasco of a Synchronized Swimming Competition
The Quirks and Quips of a Penguin Convention
Rib-Tickling Antics of Mischievous Kittens
Guffaws and Giggles: Exploring the World of Prank Calls
Comedic Capers of a Salsa-Dancing Granny
The Hilarity of Accidental Gymnastics
Laughing in the Rain: Umbrella Etiquette Lessons
The Side-Splitting Saga of a Talking Parrot
Unraveling the Wacky World of Competitive Pie Eating
Giggle Factory: Behind the Scenes of a Comedy Club
The Comedy of Errors in a Haunted House
Belly Laughs and Slapstick: A Study in Physical Comedy
The Wonders of Juggling Chainsaws (Safely, of course!)
Hysterical High Jinks at a Toy Store
The Hilarious Misadventures of a Bungling Magician
Finding Humor in Traffic Jams: Car Horn Orchestra
Quizzical Quacks: A Duckling’s Stand-Up Routine
The Amusing Art of Balloon Animal Sculpting

Improvised Speeches

Benefits of Engaging in Outdoor Physical Activities for Mental Well-Being
Enhancing Creativity Through Music, Art, and Expression
Significance of Emotional Intelligence in Leadership Development
Exploring the Potential of Renewable Energy Sources for Sustainability
Promoting Gender Equality in Educational Institutions
The Impact of Social Media on Interpersonal Connections and Relationships
Implementing Sustainable Practices for a Greener Future
Embracing Cultural Diversity in a Globalized Society
Fostering Collaborative Teamwork in the Modern Work Environment
Promoting Mental Health Awareness and Support in Educational Settings
Strategies for Effective Time Management in the Digital Era
The Influence of Literature on Society and Personal Development
Nurturing an Entrepreneurial Mindset for Innovation and Success
The Importance of Critical Thinking in Decision-Making Processes
Addressing Cybersecurity Threats in the Digital Age
Strategies for Building Resilience in Times of Change and Uncertainty
Encouraging Volunteerism and Active Community Engagement
Promoting Financial Literacy for Personal Economic Stability
Exploring the Potential of Virtual Reality in Enhancing Learning Experiences
Enhancing Global Cooperation for Effective Climate Change Mitigation
The Influence of Music on Mood Regulation and Emotional Well-Being
Strategies for Effective Conflict Resolution in Personal and Professional Relationships
Leveraging Technology for Inclusive and Accessible Education
Overcoming Stereotypes and Bias for a More Inclusive Society

Parody Speeches

Hilarious Ways to Conquer the Couch Potato Syndrome
Whimsical Strategies for Mastering the Art of Procrastination
Unconventional Techniques to Achieve World Peace Through Sarcasm
Outrageously Effective Methods for Becoming an Unrivaled Internet Troll
Amusing Secrets to Transforming Into a Highly Successful Underachiever
Comical Approaches to Becoming a Professional Overthinker
Ridiculous Steps to Becoming a Champion in the Sport of Napping
Satirical Techniques for Acquiring an Advanced Degree in Procrastination
Laughable Ways to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse (Without Breaking a Sweat)
Absurd Strategies for Outsmarting Artificial Intelligence in Everyday Life
Hysterical Tips for Mastering the Skill of Talking Nonstop About Nothing
Ironic Secrets to Becoming an Unstoppable Expert at Misplacing Things
Parodic Methods for Achieving a Perfectly Mediocre Work-Life Balance
Tongue-in-Cheek Approaches to Becoming a Social Media Influencer Overnight
Mocking Steps for Achieving an Exemplary Level of Cluelessness
Sarcastic Techniques for Becoming the Ultimate Pro at Avoiding Responsibilities
Comedic Strategies for Turning a Hobby Into an Unprofitable Business
Farce-Based Approaches for Finding Your Zen in a World Full of Chaos
Witty Methods for Becoming a Highly Unskilled Chess Grandmaster
Satirical Tips for Mastering the Art of Being Politically Incorrect
Laughable Ways to Perfect the Skill of Procrastinating Procrastination
Parodic Techniques for Becoming a Not-So-Superhero
Mocking Steps to Attain Unparalleled Levels of Awkwardness
Ironic Strategies for Surviving an Alien Invasion Using Only Sarcasm
Hilarious Approaches to Becoming an Expert at Misinterpreting Instructions

Funny Short Speeches Topics

Adventures in Sock Pairing: The Unsung Hero’s Quest
Surviving the Grocery Store: Mission Impossible Edition
Vegetables: Nature’s Tiny Comedians
Life Hacks for Lazy Living: An Unmotivated Guide
Misadventures in DIY: When Craft Projects Attack?
Decoding Cats: Understanding the Furry Enigmas
Fashion Faux Pas: The Hilarious Horrors of Style
Joyful Journey Through Jungle Gyms: Playground Perils
Bizarre Baking Blunders: Tales From the Kitchen
Pigeons: The Unappreciated Comedians of the Bird World
Dogs’ Dramas: The Hidden Soap Operas in Pet Parks
Houseplants: Silent Saboteurs of Home Decor
Dancing Disasters: My Life as a Two-Left-Footed Dynamo
Parenting Paradoxes: Navigating Through Toddlers’ Logic
Adventures in the World of Online Dating: Swipes, Likes, and Misfires
Caffeine Chronicles: When Coffee Becomes a Lifeline?
Gym Fails: The Secret Life of Exercise Equipment
Hunting for the Remote: A Living Room Odyssey
Commuter Chronicles: Tales From Public Transit
Office Pranks: The Art of Workplace Shenanigans
Food-Fight Fiascos: A Tribute to School Cafeterias
Sneakers: Tales of Unruly Footwear and Their Laces
Awkward Elevator Encounters: A Study in Silences
Parking Lot Perils: An Ode to Parallel Parking

Funny Speech Topics for 1-3 Minutes

Unexpected Outcomes of Eating Super Hot Chili Peppers
The Unbelievable Adventures of My Sleepwalking Dog
Bizarre Incidents in the Supermarket Aisles
Reimagining Traffic Lights: The Rainbow of Chaos
Impersonating Vegetables: Lessons From a Carrot
Deciphering Teenager Text Messages: An Insider’s Guide
Invasion of Socks: The Everlasting Mystery of the Missing Pair
Failed Attempts at Becoming a Yoga Master
Alien Abductions: My Hamster’s Story
Extreme Sports for Couch Potatoes: Remote Control Relay
Surprising Insights: The Secret Life of Refrigerators
Battle of Wills: Training the Untrainable Cat
Hilarious Misadventures on My First Camping Trip
Navigating the Perils of DIY Haircuts
The Comical Mishaps of Online Dating
Introducing the World’s Laziest Superheroes
Life According to Toddlers: The Wisdom and Wackiness
Spontaneous Combustion of Common Kitchen Disasters
Funny Lessons From My First Job Interview
The Intriguing Dilemma of the Forever Singing Parrot
Uncovering the Reality Behind Perfect Instagram Lives
Captivating Chronicles of a Terrible Cook

Funny Speech Topics for 4-6 Minutes

Astonishing Adventures of an Amateur Acrobat
Bizarre Encounters With Extraterrestrial Fast Food
Curious Chronicles of Coffee Connoisseurs
Unraveling the Mysteries of a Procrastinator’s Brain
Peculiarities in the Evolution of Parenting Styles
Socks: The Great Domesticated Disappearance
Pets Who Believe They Are People: An Investigation
Misadventures of a Meticulous Meal Planner
Intriguing Incidents Involving Imaginary Friends
Hilarious History of Hairdos and Hair Don’ts
Trials and Tribulations of a Toddler Teacher
Unique Use of Umbrellas in Unexpected Situations
Navigating the Treacherous Terrain of Teenage Trends
Wacky World of Whistle-Blowers at Work
Frenzied Fiascos of Family Road Trips
Entertaining Escapades of an Online Shopaholic
Remarkable Revelations Regarding the Tooth Fairy
Puzzling Popularity of Pineapple Pizza
Laughter Lessons From Llamas in Love
Daring Deeds of a Drama Queen’s Dog
Comical Confessions of a Closeted Comic Book Collector

Funny Speech Topics for 7-10 Minutes

Discovering the Art of Sock Puppetry
Underwater Basket Weaving: Future Olympic Event?
Decoding the Language of Houseplants
Training Squirrels: The Next Big Thing in Pet Ownership?
Unraveling the Mystery of Missing Socks
Navigating the Grocery Store: A Survival Guide
Implementing Teleportation in Everyday Chores
Investigating the Secret Lives of Pets
Demystifying the Art of Sleeping With Eyes Open
Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse With a Rubber Duck
Inventing New Sandwich Fillings: An Epicurean Experiment
Decoding Cats’ Meows: A Comprehensive Study
Unmasking the Truth: Santa Claus in the Off-Season
Harnessing the Power of Yawns: A Groundbreaking Discovery
Reinventing the Wheel: Silly Suggestions for Transportation
Dissecting Cartoon Logic: A Humorous Deconstruction
Superheroes’ Day Off: Unseen Adventures
Elucidating the Complexity of Comic Book Collection
Concocting Unusual Pizza Toppings: A Gastronomic Adventure
Procrastination Olympics: Gold Medal Techniques
Comprehending the Intricacies of a Dog’s Bark
Reinterpreting Fairytales in Modern Times: A Hilarious Twist

To Learn More, Read Relevant Articles

372 Commemorative Speech Topics & Good Ideas

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75 Funny Debate Topics To Make Students Laugh (and Think!)

Thought-provoking humor.

People should be allowed to go barefoot anywhere they want.

Debating a topic is a terrific way to practice public speaking, critical thinking, and more important skills. But serious controversial topics can be overwhelming, especially for beginners. These fun and funny debate topics provide debating-skills practice in a low-stakes way. Get ready to argue—and giggle!

Funny Debate Topics About Food

General funny debate topics, challenging funny debate topics.

People have a lot of opinions about food. That’s what makes these debate topics so hilarious!

1. A hot dog is a sandwich.

2. A taco is a sandwich.

3. There’s no point in eating french fries without ketchup.

Question mark bubble with a picture of french fries. Text reads There's no poing in eating french fries without ketchup.

WeAreTeachers

4. Pepperoni is the best pizza topping.

5. Peanut butter is better than Nutella.

6. Hot chocolate is better than a chocolate milkshake.

7. Fruit counts as dessert.

8. Coca-Cola is better than Pepsi.

9. Round pizzas are better than rectangular ones.

10. Ice cream is better than cake.

11. McDonald’s is the best fast-food restaurant.

12. Chocolate ice cream is better than vanilla.

13. Humans should eat to live, not live to eat.

14. Chocolate chip cookies are the best kind of cookies.

15. Hot chocolate is better than eggnog.

16. You should never put ketchup on a hot dog.

17. You should never put pineapple on a pizza.

18. Macaroni and cheese should be eaten with a spoon, not a fork.

19. You should put cereal in the bowl first, followed by milk.

20. A corner brownie is better than one in the middle.

21. Chicken wings are better than mini drumsticks.

22. In a cheeseburger, the cheese goes on top of the patty, not underneath.

23. Sandwiches taste better with the crusts cut off.

24. You should always taste food first before adding salt or pepper.

25. Leftover pizza is better eaten cold, rather than reheating it.

These funny debate topics are just as much fun for little ones as they are for big kids.

26. All families should have a pet.

27. Dogs are better pets than cats.

28. Summer is better than winter.

29. Candy should be given as rewards in the classroom.

30. Clowns are more scary than funny.

31. Modern music is better than classical music.

32. Xbox is better than PlayStation.

33. Football is better than soccer.

34. Everyone should make their bed every day.

35. It would be better to be able to fly than to be able to turn invisible.

36. People should be allowed to go barefoot anywhere they want.

Speech bubble on red background with image of footprints. Text reads People should be allowed to go barefoot anywhere they want.

37. Fiction is better than nonfiction.

38. Everyone should learn to play a musical instrument.

39. Werewolves are more dangerous than vampires.

40. People shouldn’t have to go to school or work on their birthdays.

Speech bubble on yellow background with image of a birthday cake. Text reads People shouldn't have to go to school or work on their birthdays.

41. It’s better to be the superhero than the sidekick.

42. Books are better than movies.

43. Snow skiing is better than water skiing.

44. You should never wear socks with sandals.

45. Monday is the worst day of the week.

46. Traveling back in time would be better than traveling forward in time.

47. The number 13 is unlucky.

48. The person in the middle seat of an airline row automatically gets both armrests.

49. It’s better to be too hot than too cold.

50. It would be more fun to hang out with Oscar the Grouch than with Big Bird.

These funny debate topics are a little more complex and will really get people thinking.

51. Pluto should still be considered a planet.

52. Santa Claus’ elves should be paid minimum wage.

53. There is intelligent life on other planets.

54. The egg came before the chicken.

55. Harry Potter is better than The Lord of the Rings .

56. The world would be better if women were always in charge.

57. It’s better to be TikTok famous than Instagram famous.

58. Facebook should add a “Don’t Like” button.

59. Aliens are living among us here on Earth.

60. Using curse words is no big deal.

61. Bottled water is better than tap water.

62. Going out is more fun than staying at home.

63. Daydreaming is better than night dreaming.

64. All’s fair in love and war.

65. Robin Hood is a thief, not a hero.

66. Darth Vader was ultimately a hero, not a villain.

67. Being famous is actually not all that great.

68. Superheroes should have to pay for all the damage they cause.

69. It would be better to live under the sea than in space.

70. Skirts are more comfortable than pants.

71. It’s better to be rich with no friends than poor with many friends.

72. GIF should be pronounced with a hard G, not a soft G.

73. It’s better to be a morning person than a night person.

74. There should be a special font to use for sarcasm when you’re writing.

75. The morals of fairy tales are no longer appropriate in today’s world.

What are your favorite funny debate topics? Come share on the WeAreTeachers HELPLINE group on Facebook !

Now that you’ve tackled funny debate topics, you’re ready to move on to more serious stuff. check out 100 middle school debate topics and 100 high school debate topics ., you might also like.

125 High School Debate Topics To Challenge Every Student

Learn how to argue with logic instead of emotion. Continue Reading

420 Funny Speech Topics: Informative, Persuasive, for Presentations

One of the greatest problems of the scholarly world is the lack of funny topics. So why not jazz it up? How about creating one of those humorous speeches the public is always so delighted to listen to? Making a couple of funny informative speech topics or coming up with a fun topic for presentation is easier than it seems. The experts of Custom-writing.org have prepared for you a fantastic collection of fun informative speech topics with a persuasive speech topic collection as a bonus.

💬 Informative vs. Persuasive Topics
🤐 How to Make Any Speech Fun?
💉 Topics on Health
🏅 Topics on Sport
👔 Topics on Business
ℹ️ Other Topics
😹 220 Persuasive Topics
☝️ Useful Tips
😗 One More Advice

🔍 References

💬 speech topics: informative vs. persuasive.

There are two ways of using information: informative and persuasive speech. In many aspects, both of them can use similar methods, but the outcome is supposed to be different.

Informative speeches intend to provide readers with new data. After listening to such a speech, the audience will know something new. For this reason, the criteria of good informative speaking are freshness and precision of information. It often happens that such texts or speeches are somewhat boring as they address the brain of the listener or reader rather than their heart.

Persuasive speech aims at changing the listener’s opinion. It also uses facts and evidence but does not provide the audience with new information. It is done to support the author’s point of view. It is unethical to use false or misleading facts to influence the audience.

🤐 Top 10 Secrets of Making Any Speech Fun

Regardless of whether the speech is persuasive or informative, the author’s cherished wish is to be remembered. Find out the top 10 tips on how to make a speech engaging and enjoyable.

Hook the audience. Nobody knows you yet, so try to create an atmosphere of trust. Address their emotions, no matter what! Make them laugh, get sad, and sympathize with something or someone, or angry and concerned. Emotional connection helps to grab the attention.
Make it simple and on-topic. Long sentences, deviations, and complicated vocabulary distract and make everyone bored. Give a brief structure outline in your introduction. Tell the audience what you are going to discuss. It is always easier to listen to a speech if you know its plan.
Let it be nice and short. Saturate your sentences with meaning. If any word could be deleted, be sure to remove it. Remember that the ability to concentrate is limited in time. Make your ending timely.
It must flow as a story. And it is not only about linking words. Proceed in a logical order. Start with a hook. Then make a statement, elaborating it with facts and reasoning. Repeat it for all of your thesis. Then sum it up with an overview of what you have told. And that’s it!
Measure out the humor. Humor can make your speech vivid and engaging. Even if your topic is far from being funny, a small joke can relieve the tension. It will make people more interested in your personality and in what you are going to say.
Slides can also be funny. Nobody reads long and colorless pieces of text on the screen. It is easier to listen to your speech. The primary purpose of your presentation is to illustrate your words. But if you make the illustration funny, it will create rapport between you and your audience.
Make your listeners relate. When complicated issues are compared with real-life situations, they can be easily understood. We are all humans, and our lives are quite similar in many ways. Use it to create mutual understanding.
Prepare a serious conclusion. Now put away irony and humor, and concentrate. People are going to remember your final words better than the main part. Condense your speech to a couple of sentences. Make them weighted and impressing.
Practice your speech. Look at yourself in the mirror and speak. You will see what needs corrections.
Use gestures. It is obvious but obligatory. Don’t put your hands into the pockets. Use them moderately but expressively.

🤩 200 Funny Informative Speech Topics

Five weird medical facts that no one can explain
What will humans look like in the future?
Why do hiccups occur and how to stop them
Do we really need this? The most useless body parts
Beware of the snake: how venom affects a human body
Surprising facts about the history of medicine
Craziest medical treatments in history: from dead mice to urine therapy
Ancient remedies we still use
What not to do if you have a cold
Is drinking really a bad habit ? How alcohol affects your body – in the right way
You are what you eat : weirdest things found in patients’ bodies
What would happen to our bodies if we lived on Mars?
Bizarre sports you didn’t know existed until now
Most famous fails in baseball
Why is America the only country that is crazy about baseball?
Tallest basketball players of all times
Funny incidents at the Olympics: from 1980 until now
What the first Olympic Games probably looked like
What if men wore the same uniform as women in professional sports
I’m too old for that, and other excuses people make to avoid sports
Can sports make you smarter? The science behind sports
The hidden danger of school sports: beware of the ball!
The secret power of e-sports: what can video games teach us?
Video games that made our childhood better
Craziest business ideas of 2017
Funniest startup ideas that will bring you money
Things you shouldn’t say in your motivation letter
How to trick customers: clever marketing hacks
Best and worst adverts of the year
How Apple changed the global marketing game
Worst tips for promoting your products online
If Facebook ads are so annoying, why do companies use them? Benefits of targeted ads
Becoming a dream employee: impressing your prospective employer at first sight
Millionaires’ morning habits: tips for beginning your day successfully.
Ways creative workers can benefit the business
Reasons people like conspiracy theories so much
We only use 10% of our brain power: myth or reality?
How can procrastination be good for you?
Artificial intelligence : another step to the world’s end?
Weirdest historical events no one can explain yet
If Ancient Greek religion was based on myth, can we say that Christianity is, too?
The most common cognitive biases that affect how we think
Where do stereotypes come from? A socio-historical investigation
Do you need a goal in life to be happy?
Creative people: the drivers of change or a burden for the society?
Time-management tools for dummies or how to meet all your deadlines this term
Tiny things to be happy about that happen to us every day
Scientific reasons to shorten school week and extend holidays
Fun ideas for addressing school bullying and building a positive learning environment
What would school life be like if lessons were taught at night?
Why we should have school parties every week
What did the first schools in history look like?
Stay-at-home students: is distance learning the future of education?
Best and worst reasons to skip your school classes
Surviving the detention: creative activities that could help you pass the time while studying
Reasons teachers shouldn’t give homework for Christmas holidays
Off-duty: what teachers do when they are not teaching
Why some people just can’t do math?
Choosing your school subjects without pressure: study what you like.
Why all pop songs sound the same
Uncovering the science behind hit songs: is there a scientific way to make a good song
How successful songs are made and why are they so catchy
Funny facts about famous composers and musicians
Bizarre conspiracy theories about famous artists
Taylor Swift or Nicki Minaj: who is a better role model for kids?
Why do rock stars break their guitars on stage?
Guilty pleasures: why we love and hate popular love songs?
Funniest stage fails of all time – and how they were handled
What will the future music industry look like?
Top undeserved Grammy awards of all time
My favorite American Idol and X-Factor stars
Reasons why you and your parents should never be friends on Facebook
Funny ways of decorating your Christmas tree
Tired of counting sheep before falling asleep? Try counting llamas instead!
Choosing your BFF: qualities that make a perfect friend
Ways to surprise your employer in an interview
Vegetarians live longer – and other myths designed to lure you into a healthy lifestyle
Why dogs are human’s best friends – not cats
Fat and fabulous: things to learn from your cat
The dangers of family dinners and how to avoid them
Things you really shouldn’t say on your first date
Things you probably should say on your first date
Procrastination for creative people: what to do when you’re tired of doing nothing
How to clean your room once and for all
Tips on making the best Valentine’s day card ever
Top craziest amusement park rides in the world
Funniest conspiracy theories and why they sound so real
The pros and cons of Hogwarts’ housing system
Why people and their dogs often look alike
A summary of Star Wars – it’s not as confusing as you think
Funny Christmas traditions from all over the world
How would foreign people react to our stereotypes about their countries?
How to know if your pet is plotting a conspiracy against you – signs you should lock your bedroom door at night
Fear of trees and other bizarre phobias you never knew were real
How to make a perfect birthday cake for your mom
Funny reasons why raccoons shouldn’t be kept as pets
Butterflies, cats, and skulls: the real meaning behind common tattoos
The history of tattoo art: from Ancient times till now
Global attractions you must see before you die
Inspiring success stories from millionaires – what does it take to become one?
How to tell if your friends don’t like your sense of humor
Reasons why people find offensive jokes funny
Weirdest things people like to eat – from fried cockroaches to bull testicles
Creative ways of cooking the turkey – perfect for the holiday season
Things we like about TV shows that we don’t get in movies
Why young girls shouldn’t be allowed to watch Disney movies
The most likely ending to Game of Thrones
Home Alone: what do people look for in a perfect Christmas movie?
What would the world look like if I ruled it?
Things you really shouldn’t say in public
Surviving college: how to mildly annoy your roommate
How to talk to people you don’t like
Why companies should seek to hire more lazy people
The advertisement has gone wrong: top worst slogans of all time
Things to take with you if you’re left on a desert island
Healthy foods no one likes that are good for you
Things to do at a party to seem cool
Useful tips for saving money in college
How to make a perfect paper airplane in class
Useless things everyone has at their house
Worst presents to give to your sibling
Best ways to sneak snacks into a movie
Why did Pokemon GO become so popular?
Political correctness: have we gone too far ?
Best habits to get if you want to live longer
Most expensive buildings in America
Reasons why you shouldn’t eat flowers
The unknown talents of Barack Obama
The New Year’s day in different countries
Tallest buildings in the world: a ranking
Things that are normal in America but weird in other countries
Famous haunted houses in America: where horror movies come from
Night terrors, anxiety, and other reasons we like horror movies
Why parents shouldn’t set a curfew for their kids
Reality shows: are they real?
Reasons why people love and hate reality shows
Top exciting experiences to add to your bucket list
Top most extensive libraries in the world
How to brainstorm like a pro: natural ways of generating good ideas
Why we shouldn’t mute TV commercials: funniest TV ads of the year
Ice Age as a metaphor for the modern society
A comprehensive guide to ice makers: history, use, and future outlook
The popularity of the YMCA in other countries – is it just an American thing?
Weirdest foods that taste surprisingly great
Ten gross ways of eating a potato
Pineapples on pizza and other foods that have people warring with one another
The funny meaning behind famous brand names
Craziest Harry Potter fan theories you’ve never heard about
Do pets get jealous when you pet other animals?
How to find out what your parents got you for Christmas
Why are some people still denying the fact the Earth is round?
The power of persuasion: how to win any argument in 3 easy steps
My most embarrassing childhood memory
The one time I made my family proud
Tips for staying positive
Funny things to do during Easter holidays
Best pranks for parents that are easy and fun for everyone
Do you need special education to become a YouTube blogger?
How to tell if you are allergic to dihydrogen monoxide – ten bad signs
The unexpected costs of becoming famous on Instagram
Red, white, and blue: what do the colors of the flags really mean?
The newbie: how I came to school for the first time
Foods you never liked as a child that you should try again now
How do magic tricks really work: the science and technology behind grand illusions
Funny rituals and traditions from different parts of the world
Common misconceptions about sheep
The most fun museums in America
Expensive fashion items that no one would ever wear
Becoming immune to pranks: how to keep your cool at all times
Reasons why you should be scared of dentists

💉 Fun Informative Speech Topics on Health

Gesundheit! Institute : when laughter helps people
A human is no king of nature: ten reasons to throw people off the throne
The wonders of genetic science : it’s chemistry that does the mix
How to become obese in a matter of no time: unhealthy food
Busting myths of bad habits: picking the nose with an easy conscience

🏅 Fun Informative Speech Topics on Sport

The world’s most unbelievable record breakers
Going extreme: most hilarious sports ever
Laziness vs. enthusiasm: reasons people don’t take up sports
Are sport and intelligence in reverse proportion to one another?
The most hilarious things sportscasters have ever said

👔 Fun Informative Speech Topics on Business

Unusual ways of making a business: a fun way to succeed
Workplace yoga: do not let routine bring you down
The unbelievable history of the world’s greatest corporations
The difficulties and problems of being a millionaire: poor fortunate souls
How to fail a good deal: the ultimate way to do it all wrong

Speak boldly and with intellect - Funny Informative Speech Topics.

ℹ️ Fun Topics for Presentations

Greatest misconceptions in the world and what they led to
Why people lie: no more pants on fire
The power of the human brain: telepathy, levitation, and math
World’s unexplainable phenomena: open your eyes
The most efficient ways to escape from reality: reading, role-playing, and chatting online
If students and teachers switched places: learn to stand in each other’s shoes
Stereotypical images of teachers and students : there must be a grain of truth in them
The lamest student excuses for missing lectures
School paradox: subjects you will never need but still have to learn
The most unbelievable means of cheating during exams
The most pointless mainstream music lyrics ever
Musical genius in real life: the hard truth some people have to live with
Something you have already heard: songs that sound practically the same
The most annoying songs in the world: why they exist
Musicians’ funniest nicknames and where they come from: the epitome of comedy

😹 220 Funny Persuasive Speech Topics

British accent sounds strange.
Do boys and girls like to gossip equally?
Being the smallest child in the family is an unpleasant experience.
Why being tall for a girl can be troublesome?
The worst gifts in my life were big and useless.
Every day we make lots of dumb things.
Can you make dinner with the simplest products?
If you have a younger sibling, your life grows complicated.
Differences in friendship with boys and girls.
The most embarrassing situations happen when everyone is looking at you.
Parents give weird names to their kids to show off.
Most fairy tales have a second meaning.
What should you never tell at your first date?
Why is it easier to look for a girlish present?
Canadian English VS American English.
Should you tell your friend that their date is cheating?
What makes a perfect husband/wife?
What are the signs that it is time to leave the party?
Can you train a pet to do the housework?
Why are creative people the least successful in life?
Large cities have their own driving rules.
Would life be a disaster if we could not lie?
Why do some women think that it is easier to be a man?
What are the criteria for being a lady?
Sleeping outdoors is exciting, but scary.
What can a hairstyle tell about the person?
Dogs and their masters look alike.
What is the most entertaining occupation for grade 8 children?
If your partner is snoring, you lose a couple of years of sleep during your life.
What would happen to the world if people were unable to say no?
Why do men feel so sick when they have a 37-degree temperature?
In a century we will have to move to another planet.
Internet addiction is our new reality.
The worst fear of schoolchildren.
A friendship between girls and boys lasts until affection emerges.
Why don’t people believe you when your dog has eaten your homework?
What do teachers do when they are out of school?
Being lazy enhances your productivity.
Would our childhood be happier if we had as much pocket money as we wanted?
Time in traffic jams could be used for personal development.
If a fairy could make a wish come true, what would it be?
A person can survive on a desert island with a knife and a lighter.
We get bored because we cannot choose what to do.
The best way to become a bad boss.
Are there phrases that can spoil the most pleasant conversation?
Do we dream about our desires or fears?
Why do we never fulfill our New Year resolutions?
Children should realize that they also watch their parents grow up.
How to make your Christmas tree pet- and childproof?
Making a time capsule makes your life more meaningful.
Should we help the person who never receives Valentine Cards to receive one?
Feng Shui will make your life better if you start working hard and not engage in such silly things.
A spoilt first date is a ticket to success in a relationship.
Would the world become a better place if we could spend just one day in another gender’s body?
Jealous women are hilarious and inventive.
Would you like to be paid for doing nothing?
Every mother is happy when her children leave her in peace.
Selfies are attractive only to their author.
Men should be told when women have PMS.
People hike because it makes them appreciate the conveniences of their homes.
Why do men consider women incredible?
Why do we lose our minds when we fall in love?
What would happen if men were more emphatic and lyrical than women?
An average toddler resembles very much of a drunk adult.
In a decade after marriage, a man learns the art of simulating to listen to his spouse.
If men had periods, it would never be a taboo subject.
Life is easier when you are a woman.
Should there be costume holidays for middle school pupils?
My pet would become my best friend if it could talk.
What is the meaning of life?
We could spend a lifetime at a computer screen, yet having an interesting life.
We can learn to be happy from our pets.
Children’s costumes at kindergartens are humiliating.
Everything that is not poisonous is edible.
Why shouldn’t you dream of becoming a millionaire?
Why are men so proud of being men?
We are all addicted to something.
The best recipes were created by accident.
Your outfit has a strong influence on the success of your day.
Retirement is the second childhood.
Computer games make us stupid.
Humankind is an epidemic for our planet.
Anything could be fun if you weren’t obliged to do it.
Graduation is when all the fun comes to an end.
Talented people don’t have time to get concerned with success.
Long-distance relationships are best for adults.
If anything can get spoilt, it will.
Our lives are funnier than we tend to think.
Night dreams are the most laughable thing in life.
Unexpected things make the best entertaining speech topics.
No homework means happy childhood.
Adults are just spoilt children.
What is the funniest villain in the history of cinema?
Most children make a semblance of having cleaned their room.
Your own funny presentation topics always sound better than those of your classmates.
Why does everybody laugh at newbies?
Cat lovers VS dog lovers.
Was the chicken or the egg first?
Is it better to be very tall or very low?
Why do cats never regret anything wrong they have done?
Would eternal life be right for you?
We shouldn’t let children use smartphones while they are underage.
Are men or women better tutors?
Talking about relationships is the most pointless way to spend time.
Students who cheat are smarter in further professional life.
Sweet things for good studies would make more incentive than grades.
What animal would you choose to be if you could?
What is the best pizza filling?
What is the core feature a friend should have?
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
Playing tricks on parents is not a good idea.
What if the first thing you thought when you woke up would define your day?
How do computer games influence one’s IQ?
Obscene words emerged because our language lacks emotional words.
Is it better to be an early bird or a night owl?
Minor mistakes can save us from more serious ones.
Children would never believe that when they grow up, they would wish to be children again.
Would you prefer to stay humble or make everyone look at you?
Staying at home during a weekend can save you lots of money.
2024 tells us that there are not many things that matter.
Should your date be beautiful/handsome or smart?
Is it better to be kind or smart?
Coke or Pepsi, McDonald’s or KFC, and other difficult choices.
What is the worst role model for boys among the superheroes?
Obsession with princesses makes girls silly and capricious.
Why is Easter bunny a rabbit, not a hare?
The less the partners see each other, the happier the marriage.
People visit fortune tellers to be assured that everything will be fine.
Life is a pleasure only when you are a child.
Only children can benefit from the marriage of their parents.
Long beards contain more bacteria than dirty hands.
Cats treat us as their servants.
Prohibit something, and it will get twice as desirable.
People remember only those good deeds that they have made themselves.
Reality is subjective, and we are unaware of what the world is really like.
Being an introvert saves you from many social problems.
The best villains always have a good trait.
When talking about someone, people either envy or spread rumors.
Any driver is a pedestrian from time to time.
Why are meat-eaters afraid of eating vegetarian food?
What do men try to hide with a long mustache?
The happiest people are ignorant.
If Pinocchio had not been punished, he would never have stopped lying.
We adopt pets to make our lives a bit more complicated.
Behind every successful man, there is an always dissatisfied woman.
If shampoo for kids does not cause tears, why don’t adults use it?
Why are clowns associated with horror films?
The poorer is our knowledge in something, the more confident we are about it.
Which failures could a true friendship survive?
Soft toys are universal dust collectors.
When you are dead or stupid, you never feel anything. But the others suffer.
Originality VS weirdness.
Those who share our opinion seem to be prettier and cleverer.
The best thing we could do for our planet is to extinct.
Life resembles a simulation game.
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The phrase “it was a joke” has saved innumerable friendships.
Technologies are making humanity obese.
You shouldn’t take things too personally as everyone is concerned only with himself.
Why do TV channels show mainly bad news?
In psychiatry, the healthy one is the person who was the first to put on the white coat.
Reading articles on success and self-development is another form of procrastination.
If both partners think that the other is wrong, both of them are.
Why is it so hard to admit your fault?
Very honest people tend to have no friends.
Do we deserve what we have?
The silly always considers the smart being dumb.
When can we consider saving money as an obsession?
Which present is better: flowers or something tasty?
If something seems to be wrong, it is.
The customer is always right only in their own eyes.
If you aren’t registered on any social media, there is something wrong with you.
How does Flat Earth Society perceive GPS navigators?
Not washing one’s hands is a sign of a rebellious character.
Those who like rain have more things in common than it seems.
Is there a grain of truth in horoscopes?
Our language is too redundant, and most of the words could be left out.
We are great masters at denying reality.
Would there be fewer families if we needed to reconfirm marriage once a year?
It is too hard for college students that their happy years are about to end.
It is so comfortable to have someone to blame for your problems.
Grumpy people may simply wear uncomfortable shoes.
Once you forget the day of your marriage, you will remember it forever.
Siblings are there to eliminate our egoism.
A redecoration of an apartment is the best test for your love.
Nobody learns from the other’s mistakes.
The more time we spend in front of the screen, the less time we have to quarrel.
Criticizing others makes you feel important and smart.
We all hated our clothes in childhood.
The purpose of the life of some people is to annoy everyone.
Why are many of us afraid of airplanes, but nobody is afraid of cars?
There is no logic neither in men nor in women.
Awkwardness is a sign of modesty and openness.
If animals could struggle for their rights, we would never violate them.
Internet dating is like dating a book protagonist.
Are 20 minutes enough for an introvert to stay at a party?
Your worst day was made by yourself.
What is an American idol?
Bad students make the best business persons.
The minimum wage is the minimum for survival.
The first year at the University shows how you will spend all the rest time.
Politicians are very good at making us concerned with the least important problems while ignoring the crucial ones.
Using Latin or French phrases in everyday speech is showing off.
The most important life lessons can be learned in kindergarten.
If cats don’t like you, you are not a good person.
Dieting is a voluntary suffering.
The best thing an artist can do to become famous is to die.
Would elite sports become more exciting if doping became obligatory?
We all want the same in life.
We fear public speaking because everything has already been said.
It is worse to be lonely than to be with the wrong person.
Sheep are not the best animals to count before sleep.
If cuckoos knew how many years you are left to live, there would be a cuckoo fortune-telling business.
We make ourselves unhappy by wanting what we shouldn’t.
Halloween costumes should be worn more often.
If men listened to women, they would never call them enigmatic.
Exams don’t show who is the smartest. They show who is the best cheater.
People who don’t like to work become bosses.
No decision is also a decision.
You need to have a drink or two if you have run out of ideas for fun speech topics.

☝️ Funny Speech Topics: Useful Tips

Like any other speech, speaking on informative issues has certain peculiarities. Make sure that you follow these tips for successful informative speaking:

Select a broad topic you are going to use for the speech.
Choose a problem to devote your speech to.
Think of a funny way to introduce the issue and develop it.
Use your sense of humor when analyzing the issue and offering your ideas.
Avoid being offensive and basing your speech on prejudices.
Plan both funny and serious parts – the audience must have some rest from rolling with laughter!

Once you have considered each of these components when choosing funny topics for an informative speech, you can be 100% sure that your speech will rock. To help yourself during a brainstorming session, you can try out an impromptu topics generator that will provide you with an endless amount of options to choose from.

😗 Funny Informative Speech Topics: One More Advice

Whether you’re choosing informative topics for presentation or any other assignment, there’s an important tip you must follow.

Remember: A good joke for funny informative persuasive speech topics is a joke that makes people think. Convince people that you’re talking about really important things – make them laugh with the help of your funny informative speech topics!

Giving a speech is challenging. When delivering a speech, many people feel like they are sitting on a cactus. Adding humor makes your speech more interesting and helps cut down on your own stress.

Being funny in front of a live audience and being able to charm every one of them is not an easy task—it is a real art. Fortunately, this is a skill that can be mastered with some practice.

If you need to find a funny informative speech topic, you can choose absolutely any topic from numerous lists of funny, informative speech topics available on the web. In fact, any life situation can be looked at and talked about from a humorous approach. Your speech topic should be informative, but that doesn’t mean that the information has to be really valuable. If you try adding some fun when talking about serious questions, you can possibly elicit a good laugh from a huge crowd.

Use our funny, informative speech topics above just as they are, or get inspired by them to create some of your own. Either way, with enough practice, you’ll become a real star among the wide audience you intend to please with your unbearably funny speech.

Learn more on this topic:

A List of Informative Speech Topics: Best Creative Topic Ideas
Good Informative Speech Topics: How to Get Thunders of Applause
Social Studies Topics for Your Research Project
Best Science and Technology Essay Topics to Write About
Satirical Essay Examples and Best Satire Essay Topics

🤔 Funny Informative Speech Topics FAQ

Any how-to topics do well for informative speech. Your sphere of expertise or something you are eager to learn is also a good idea to speak about. Select fields that require specialized knowledge:

The ecological situation on the planet
Economics and business
Political regimes
Historical causes of our present
Rights and freedoms of minorities

It is a topic that gives you a chance to give your audience new information. The topic is emotionally neutral and non-debatable. It should sound like a question or statement which could be answered or expanded with facts.

Select a topic of your expertise.
Decide if it requires description, demonstration, definition, or explanation.
Outline your thesis.
Saturate your speech with facts, but make it simple.
Address your audience with a call to action.
Select one of the funny how to topics.
Make yourself the target of your humor. Give examples from your life.
Don’t hurt anyone with your jokes.
You are not supposed to make your speech a demonstration of your wit. Use a rule of three: this is the best number of jokes in your speech or essay.
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Saturate your speech with facts, but make it simple. My favorite one

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300 Funny Topics For Speech and Essay Writing

Writing about funny topics is the surest way to catch your educator’s attention. Carefully selected funny story topics make your professor laugh. They may also be the reason why your tutor will remember you after the exercise. When it comes to talking to crowds, funny speech topics will cheer everyone in the audience. Here is a list of funny topics to write about, whether it’s a speech, research paper, or presentation.

Funny Argument Topics

Funny topics about food, funny debate topics for middle school, funny debate topics for high school students, funny informative speech topics for college students, funny persuasive speech topics for college students, funny compare and contrast topics.

Funny How to Topics , similar to our Demostration Speech Topics

Funny Satire Topics

Maybe you’re looking for funny argumentative essay topics. In that case, consider this list of funny discussion topics. You can write an essay or a research paper on any of these topics.

What to do if your parents forget your birthday
Adding a twist of fun to a boring weekend during summer
How to get money from your parent
Things mums never quit saying
Why families start dishes with desserts
Why you wish you could join the family of your friend
Why you wish you could be the only child in your family
What cats think about
Has feminism ever achieved anything?
How to irritate your siblings
Why every teenager should have a smartphone
How teenagers can use their families’ credit cards
The world needs more ‘stay at home’ fathers
Why your grandmother needs a smartphone
How the world would be if it was ruled by aliens
A dog is an irreplaceable friend
Being homeless during your college life is not that bad
The real causes of global warming
How to find out if your friend is lying
Funny things that hinder you from doing your homework in time
The funniest characters in history
Scary things that keep people up at night
Mistakes that parent makes and never correct
Why students lose attention during class time
How mothers prepare kids for school
Things females wish makes knew
Awkward and exciting dates
The best ways to approach a lady
Men give women the best makeup ideas
Easy ways to break up with your lover

If you love writing about food, you may find these ideas interesting and worthy of your consideration. Here are some of the funny topics to talk about when it comes to food.

Tips for eating the foods you hate
Why stealing bread to feed a family is not wrong
Foods you don’t like and why
Everybody should consume junk food
How to avoid being cruel to your broccoli
Teaching cabbages to talk
How to prepare to cut your Halloween pumpkins
Do vegetables feel the harsh treatment from humans?
How to detect a shy potato
The origin of the wedding cake
Different ways to prepare chili
Why Mexican food is so spicy
Why a vegan diet can cause death
The local store’s fresh meat is not fresh
How food science can save a life
How curry can help your life
Yogurt is great fermented food- Here’s why
How human civilization thrived because of sustainable food
Do you believe food packages’ nutrition facts?
How America developed the dining out culture
What makes Mediterranean cuisine great
How technology has changed how humans eat
Why men chefs are better than women cooks
How ketchup improves how a dish tastes
How to respond when served food you hate
Role of globalization in the food culture of a country
The primary aim of the business model for fast foods is profit and not food
How farms use illegal methods to boost production
Restaurants worldwide are embracing the new hotpot trend
Why fish is a crucial food resource for people

This category has some of the best funny essay topics to research and even write about. You can also choose funny topics to argue about in this category. Nevertheless, conduct some research to come up with a strong argument.

Debating is one of the skills that kids learn in middle school. But choosing or composing funny debate topics can be challenging for middle school students. Here is a funny debate topics list to consider if you’re in middle school.

Should you date a popular or intelligent person?
Hip hop versus Rock ‘n’ Roll music
Everybody loves pizza topping
The government should abolish school pictures
Everybody should access a wireless service
Teachers should not assign homework
Twilight versus Harry Potter
Every family should keep a pet
Summer is a perfect season
Schools should abolish grades
Some animals should have more rights than humans
Crows are smarter pets than parrots
Blaming other people for your problem is relieving
Robots make humans lazier
Divorce affects children more than parents
Spending time with mom is better than hanging out with dad
Spending time with a phone is better than hanging out with some humans
People should be fairer to animals
Being annoying is a talent
The government should lower the drinking age
A quiet or a noisy person- Who’s better?
Why humans should eliminate Mondays
Watching movies is better than playing with friends
Remaining silent is a great achievement in some cases
Mathematics is the most straining subject
Handwriting is not important anymore
Girls perform better than boys in school
School uniforms should be abolished
Medicine is better than engineering
Cycling is better than skiing

This category also has some of the best funny public speaking topics. However, students should select topics they are comfortable researching and writing or talking about.

Debating in high school can improve your spoken English. Here are some of the best funny conversation topics for high school students.

A cat is a better pet than a dog
Why being small is better than being big
The egg came before the chicken
The government should ban homework
McDonald’s is a brilliant restaurant when it comes to fast food
Winter is better than summer
No word is bad
Bottled water is better than tap water
Smartphones should be allowed in school
Parents should pay their children to attend school
Students should be rewarded with candies
Teachers should also wear uniforms
Being rich with few friends is better than being poor with too many friends
Grownups are better than kids
Performing better in sports is better than scoring high academic grades
Mathematics is a crucial subject
A clown is scary
Aliens could be living among humans
A cake is a better dessert than ice cream
Human beings are the most dangerous creatures on earth
Being smart is better than being good looking
No child should have a cell phone until the age of 18 years
People should start voting at the age of 16 years
Smartphones make humans stupid
Men are better teachers than women
Humans should live forever
Video games are bad for human health
Nobody should ever lie
Instagram is famous than Twitter
Humans should eat to live and not live to eat

This category also has some brilliant funny presentation topics for friends. Thus, you can talk to your friends about some of these topics when hanging out. Nevertheless, you should still conduct some research to come up with a convincing argument on any of these topics.

Some topics are funny and informative at the same time. Below is a list of funny informative speech topics that college students may consider.

Why some historical figures deserve rehabilitation
Becoming a fashion designer- Things you need
What’s out and in for men’s fashion
The perfect unconventional lifestyle
How housewives have undergone a metamorphosis due to makeover television programs
The best classic cars in America
The best Isabel Allende’s books
How dwarf planets like Pluto got their name
How to become a private detective
The origin of the April Fool’s day
Absurd and funny last decade’s inventions
Kids should learn from their parent’s mistakes
What dreams mean in real life
How to quit thinking- putting the mind in an off mode
How to enjoy a stress-free holiday
How to deal with troubles during family reunions
Amending the bill of rights
Turning an academic awards ceremony into the finniest event ever
How to draft a fan letter to your favorite celebrity
Secrets of famous magicians and illusionists
The manufacture of acoustic guitars
How to make cleaning fun
Handling a drunk roommate
How to lobby for a great cause
Proofs that humans live in a simulation
Why some situations require you to turn your other cheek
Being ignorant brings more happiness
Every male has a female rolling eye behind him
Cats prove that humans love complicating life
Being dead or stupid lets other people suffer because you do not feel anything

This category also has some of the best funny process essay topics. That’s because writing about them requires the student to show how to do something.

Perhaps, you’re looking for funny topics for a persuasive speech. In that case, consider this list of funny speech topics for college students.

Don’t fall for a growing up trap
Humans are two-legged, unthankful creatures
Squirrels are way better than some people
We trust in God but some people still bring data
Some people smoke just to piss others
Men deserve leisure time to watch sports
Kids are the sole beneficiaries of a marriage
Evidence that a cat thinks the owner is a slave
Sleep with a mosquito to find out that you’re not too insignificant to make any difference
Vegetarian food is non-lethal to a meat-eater- Here is the evidence
Every driver was a pedestrian at some point
You don’t become a monster when you reuse a congratulation birthday message
Presidency and Twitter- Are they compatible?
A stupid villain is less dangerous than a smart one
A penguin is a swallow that eats before sleeping
Truth pisses a person off before setting them free
GPS and believers in a flat earth- A complex relationship
Eating soup frequency as a mustache type’s function
Men with lumberjack bears look friendlier to animals
Prohibiting something makes it more tempting
Scientists should use simple language to make their ideas accessible
Colleges should include coffee and parking charges in their tuition fee
Men should avoid skinny jeans
Funny pick-up lines that work
A woman presidency could cause more wars
Males are happier than females
Men gossip more than women
Reincarnation happens
Avoid your mom on social media

Pick any of these funny persuasive speech topics if you’re good at convincing people. Again, be prepared to research extensively if you select a topic from this category.

This category also has funny controversial topics. So, if looking for controversial topics funny people will find interesting, consider some of the ideas in this list.

Are you looking for funny process analysis essay topics that allow you to compare and contrast things? If yes, consider this list of funny research paper topics. You can also find brilliant funny presentation topics in this category.

Qualities of a good and a bad teacher
Private versus public colleges
Being wealthy or being famous?
Online versus traditional education
Extroverts versus introverts
Twitter versus Facebook
Darwinism versus creationism
Common things of Catholic and Orthodox churches or religion?
The Lord of Rings versus Harry Potter
Thomas Jefferson versus Barack Obama
Your current house versus your dream home
Non-fiction books or fiction books?
England or Washington?
Psychology versus sociology
Similarities and differences between ancient myths
Socrates versus Plato
Australian English and American English
Black or white color
Chimps and human beings
Colleges and high schools
Working in an office or home
Jesus and Allah’s teachings
Prejudice and pride versus sensibility and sense
Textbooks or eBooks
Online versus real-life dating
Harvard versus Oxford
Samsun versus Apple
Margaret Thatcher versus Donald Trump
Vegetarian meals versus burgers
Video games or outdoor activity
TV commercials and printed ads
Tablets and laptops
Renaissance versus Baroque
Past versus modern fashion
Windows or Linus
Dogs versus cats
Dating versus marriage
Yoga classes versus Pilates
Vacation in mountains versus on the beach
Buddhism versus Hinduism
Movies versus real-life theater
Winter versus summer weather
Atheism versus creationism
Your family versus peers
Being alone and being in a relationship
Living with parents and on campus
Reading versus audiobooks
Cheating versus plagiarizing content on exams
Photos versus paintings
Giving and receiving presents

You can also find funny podcast topics in this category. Some learners also find funny special occasion speech topics in this list.

Funny How to Topics

Perhaps, you’re looking for funny ceremonial speech topics. In that case, you may consider how-to topics. This category has funny commemorative speech topics to consider.

How to make-up like a real joker
How to mess-up your job interview
How to bunk your college
How to fail your exams
How to protect yourself from zombies
How to fire your boss
How to cut a pumpkin
How to apply paint on your face
How to practice cat walking
How to practice juggling
How to run away from your home
How to survive your first date
How to survive your first blind date
How to audition for American Idol
How to tell you’re drunk
How to survive the first day in college
How to survive your first day at work
Ways to give a dog a bitter pill
Ways to flunk out of your college
How to dress for a first date
How to kill a goldfish
How to ruin a relationship
How to excel at dieting
How to survive with a minimum wage
How to excel as a freeloader
Ways to catch a cheating person
A guide for making bread crumbs
Ways to catch a cold
How to choose friends
How to remember birthdays

Some of these are also funny demonstration speech topics because you might have to show the audience how to do something.

Perhaps, you’re looking for funny research topics that are also satirical. In that case, consider these ideas.

Why every bear loves honey
A middle child’s life explained
Ways to win arguments with your spouse
Why stay at home dads are better
Questions your girlfriend will most likely ask
Why watching football should be illegal
Why social media is the best place to break up with your partner
Ways to break up with your spouse without telling them anything
Ways to be a noisy girlfriend while showing nothing
No pastor is a sinner
The easy life of a stay at home mother
Things you can do during a date without unwanted questions
A customer is never right
Why most couples divorce after an expensive wedding
People that want to keep fit eat the most
Why the number of teen moms is increasing
How to convince others you’re right when wrong
Why you shouldn’t ignore strangers
How to avoid the consequences of lying
Why you should become an annoying individual
Why stress is high among the upper class
Comic books can promote a specific career
Why you should follow advice from a stranger
Why many men prefer staying at home
How a man can win an argument with his wife
Why high schools should abolish proms
College students should have well-paying jobs
Why schools should not punish students
Why college education is not important
Ways to succeed without a college education
Why students and teachers should wear uniforms
How to pass or fail your exam
How to avoid education scores and still excel
School is a waste of precious time
Social media website provide a great place to make friends
How to have fun and pass exams
You don’t need friends if you have a pet
Chocolate does not ask silly questions
Why my dad is weird
How to avoid dating

In addition to these categories, you can also choose funny safety topics that teach people how to be safe in a humorous way. If you haven’t found what you’re looking for, don’t hesitate to contact us and say “ help with my home work “. Our experts are ready to assist you.

Hot 100+ Narrative Essay Topics to Jumpstart Your Next Paper

Do you have a pending narrative essay and run out of narrative essay ideas to compose a compelling paper? What do you do when you need to generate quick narrative essay titles without messing up an essay’s overall quality? You don’t need to worry if you need appropriate topics for narrative papers.

This post shares a list of narrative essay topics to inspire you. Keep reading to get more inspiration for future narrative assignments in 2024.

Tips on How to Choose the Best Topic for a Narrative Essay

Generating the right narrative essay ideas is critical because it can make or break narrative assignments. Choosing an appropriate title will help spark your readers’ attention and arrest their focus. Accurate topic selection also motivates your writing because you are least likely to enjoy researching or writing about a boring topic for a narrative essay . To help you excel in this area, we prepared tips to inspire you.

Flash Back on Personal Experiences: This method is necessary when handling a personal narrative paper. Here, you must focus on your life’s most impactful moments and how they affected you.
Determine a Clear Message or Idea: Determine the paper’s central idea based on the insights, lessons, and emotions you want to share with readers.
Engage Readers: Factor your target readers and what resonates best with them. So, select a topic that arrests their interest and engages them.
Use Various Perspectives: Incorporate various viewpoints. You can combine personal and external perspectives to make your narrative more engaging.
Test Ideas: It would be best for you and your readers to test an idea by getting valuable feedback from your trusted friends or classmates. Such assessment makes your selected topic resonate well with readers.
Maintain Your Voice: Maintain your audience by remaining authentic and letting your unique voice and storytelling style beam throughout an assignment.

Top Ideas for Narrative Essay for 2024

We promised a long list of narrative essay ideas for future assignments. Here are sample narrative writing topics for consideration under different categories.

10 Best Narrative Essay Topics for College Students

Do you want the best ideas for a narrative essay ? Here are sample narrative essay titles to consider.

My journey to finding my life’s purpose.
My life-changing foreign study experience.
How a challenging decision transformed me.
Transitioning from college to the career world.
My memorable moment with my mentor.
How adversity shaped my personal growth and development.
The most transformative ethical dilemma I have faced in life.
How college encounters have shaped my worldview.
How technology shaped my college experience.
My personal reflection on my professional goals.

10 Top Narrative Essay Topics for University Students

You shouldn’t worry about finding good narrative essay ideas for university assignments when these narrative essay titles can assist.

The transformation of my career objectives at university.
My most memorable internship experience.
My life-transforming encounter with poverty.
How I navigate the complexities of balancing my studies and social life.
A challenging research project that shaped my academic development.
An elaborate account of surmounting an academic challenge.
The most memorable leadership experience in my study life.
My journey of selecting university courses.
How peer relationships and networking have impacted my journey through university.
Ways university exposure has shaped my perspective on life.

10 Literacy Narrative Essay Topics

Here are inspiring narrative essay prompts for consideration in future literacy assignments.

The best book that made me love reading.
How a special teacher impacted my reading skills.
The impact of technology on my reading habits.
A memorable reflection on my writing journey.
Tops ways literature shaped my perspective.
How I overcome writer’s block.
Ways storytelling has impacted me.
How literacy helps me change my view of poverty.
Ways literacy changed my view of gender equality.
How digital technology shaped my experience of literacy.

10 Best Descriptive Narrative Essay Topics

No more need to scratch your head to find appropriate topics for narrative essays . Here are evergreen narrative essay ideas .

A serene day by the beach.
The pain of living in a crime-prone neighborhood.
My favorite high school moment.
A visit to a haunted house.
The wedding celebration that never happened.
My perfect winter experience.
My favorite summer hobby.
A visit to my favorite museum.
A memorable visit to an art exhibition.
The most spectacular soccer match I attended.

10 Short Narrative Essay Topics

Need short narrative essay topic ideas for your next assignment? Look no further than these exciting samples.

My first flight.
The first cruise I enjoyed in the ocean.
My worst memories in high school.
The most memorable event in my primary school.
My biggest fear.
My first international vacation.
How I survived my worst loss.
My encounter with racial discrimination.
My secret to a balanced life.
My most valuable people.

10 Funny Narrative Essay Topics

Do you love fun and would love to let it spice up your essays? Here are funny narrative topic ideas for inspiration.

Why clever people always fail.
Why watching soap operas is harmful to your health.
Dirty secrets your primary teachers never told you about education.
You can know what a pet is thinking.
Why Amazon isn’t my favorite brand.
Why I love it when my laptop freezes up.
The customer is not always right.
The seller is as right as the buyer.
Why teenagers don’t deserve well-paying jobs.
Why dressing up never changes people’s attitudes.

Best 10 Fictional Narrative Essay Topics

Your search for fictional narrative topics ends here with these exciting samples. Read on to get inspired.

Life in a city where people never sleep.
Experiencing life in a remote village where there are no sick people.
Your experience in a paradise where people never work and earn.
A school where all students score straight A’s in all subjects.
A kindergarten boy who hunts and kills lions.
A super-genius boy who hustles his way to become a billionaire before 12 years.
A remote village where everyone is a professor.
A girl who can read a thousand words per minute.
My visit to a city without poor people.
A visit to a city with golden streets.

10 Inspiring Cultural Narrative Essay Topics

Your cultural narrative paper can be a breeze if you focus it on one of these topics for narrative writing .

Narrate how your family’s unique culinary heritage influences your cultural identity.
Narrate a particular cultural artifact that your family values.
Discuss the challenges you faced trying to preserve traditional customs without trashing modern societal expectations.
Describe how a dominant culture has affected your upbringing.
Recount how your experience as an immigrant has shaped your perspective on cultural assimilation.
The lessons I learned from participating in interracial exchange programs.
Describe a unique cultural practice within your community that outsiders don’t understand.
Reflect on a personal journey of reconnecting with your cultural roots.
Describe the role of storytelling in preserving cultural wisdom in your family.
Recount the day you challenged cultural stereotypes.

10 Controversial Narrative Essay Topics

Don’t let your inspiration for controversial topics run dry when these interesting narrative essay topics can inspire you. Read on to spice up your next paper.

Describe your feelings about the morality of euthanasia.
Narrate why you think animal testing is unethical and should be banned.
Describe how you felt when the death penalty was removed in your country.
Describe why you feel all vaccines should be voluntary.
The negative impact of healthcare companies on people’s overall health.
Space exploration programs are totally misplaced priorities but politically correct.
Describe your feelings, given that the climate change debate is more political than environmental.
Give your feelings on the deficiency of standardized testing.
Nuclear energy is not sustainable and safe.
Sex education should be banned in schools.

10 Nonfiction Narrative Essay Topics

Do you want good narrative topics to inspire your nonfiction assignments in 2024? Check out how these sample titles can help you.

Narrate how you conquered the fears that stood between you and your career dreams.
Describe the inner strengths you discovered about yourself when facing the biggest challenge in life.
Recount the most creative solution you formulated during your greatest financial difficulty.
Recount the day you stood against injustice in society and the lessons you learned.
Narrate how you survived a life-threatening natural disaster and how it shaped your perspective on life’s brevity.
How did your mingling with people of other cultures affect your view of the beauty of human diversity?
Narrate how unexpected kindness far away from home shaped your view of other people.
Describe one major decision that changed the direction of your career path.
What is the most important relationship that has contributed the most to your dreams in life?
Narrate the most important conversation you had with your most trusted mentor and how it affected you for the better.

Great narrative writing depends on the quality of the topics you choose. Selecting the correct titles makes your paper easier to research and write. It also engages readers more meaningfully.

However, the selection isn’t always easy, but it’s still possible with a little help from our narrative essay writing service . That’s why we created this post to give you tips on how to select appropriate topics for narrative tasks. Moreover, we created a list of narrative essay topics for various categories to give you a good head start.

It’s up to you to use these samples to fuel your topic search and choice. Don’t hesitate to contact us for any further assistance with all your academic writing and assignment needs.

Evergreen To Kill a Mockingbird Essay Topics

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80 Funny Debate Topics

By Med Kharbach, PhD | Last Update: May 23, 2024

Debates are structured discussions where participants express varying opinions on a given topic. The importance of debate lies in its ability to foster critical thinking, enhance communication skills, and build confidence among participants. In today’s post, I compiled a wide variety of funny debate topics to spark lively discussions and laughter in the classroom. But before we dive into the topics, let’s explore some of the skills that children develop through debating.

I compiled all the debate questions in this post into a single PDF available for free download. It’s a handy resource for sparking engaging and fun discussions in your classroom.

Download Funny Debate Topics PDF for free

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Key Skills Developed Through Debating

Debate is a key practice for kids, incorporating it into their activities helps them develop various skills. The following are the key skills that children gain through debating:

Improve Critical Thinking : Help kids reason, analyze arguments, and question evidence effectively.
Enhance Self-Expression : Teach kids to articulate thoughts clearly and confidently in public.
Build Confidence : Overcome public speaking fears and improve communication skills.
Expand Knowledge : Encourage deep exploration of various topics and perspectives.
Boost Communication Skills : Emphasize the importance of delivery, emotions, and body language.

Funny Debate Topics

Now, let’s dive into the fun part! Below, you’ll find a carefully selected list of funny debate topics that are perfect for lightening the mood while still providing a fertile ground for critical thinking and public speaking practice. Whether you’re looking to spice up your classroom discussions or just want to bring a smile to your students’ faces, these topics are sure to do the trick. Let the debates begin!

1. Is a hot dog a sandwich?

This classic debate is sure to bring out passionate arguments from both sides, and it’s light-hearted enough to keep the mood fun.

2. Should pineapple be allowed on pizza?

Another food-related debate that people have surprisingly strong opinions about.

3. Are cats or dogs better pets?

A timeless topic that gets everyone involved, especially pet lovers.

4. Should cereal be considered a soup?

This one can get quite creative as students try to define what constitutes a soup.

5. Is it better to be a superhero or a wizard?

Great for engaging students’ imaginations and bringing out their inner nerds.

6. Should we replace all teachers with robots?

This can lead to some interesting (and funny) thoughts about the future of education.

7. Would you rather have a rewind button or a pause button in your life?

A fun way to get students thinking about the concept of time and life choices.

8. Are video games a sport?

Perfect for gamers and athletes to hash out their points of view.

9. Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?

A ridiculous but hilarious debate that tests students’ creativity and logic.

10. Is it better to be really smart or really funny?

Encourages students to reflect on different qualities and what they value more.

11. Is it acceptable to wear pajamas in public?

A light-hearted topic that can spark discussions about fashion and social norms.

12. Should homework be banned?

A perennial favorite among students that’s sure to get them talking.

Related: Examples of Critical Thinking Questions for Students

13. Would you rather always have to sing instead of speaking or dance everywhere you go?

This topic adds a fun, performative element to the debate.

14. Is it better to have an extra arm or an extra leg?

This one is great for getting students to think about practical and imaginative scenarios.

15. Should you eat dessert before dinner?

A sweet debate that challenges traditional meal structures.

16. Would you rather be able to talk to animals or speak every language in the world?

Engages students’ interest in animals and languages, making for a fun discussion.

17. Is it better to be a night owl or an early bird?

A relatable topic that can lead to humorous anecdotes and strong opinions.

18. Should students be allowed to grade their teachers?

Flips the usual dynamic and lets students think critically about education.

19. Would you rather have a constant itch or always feel like you have to sneeze?

Gross and funny, this topic is sure to elicit some strong reactions.

20. Is it better to always be 10 minutes late or 20 minutes early?

A topic that can lead to humorous examples and personal stories.

21. Should you put ketchup on a hot dog?

Another food-related debate that can get surprisingly heated.

22. Would you rather have unlimited pizza or unlimited ice cream for the rest of your life?

A deliciously tough choice that can lead to a fun discussion.

23. Should all cars be self-driving?

This can lead to funny scenarios about the future of transportation.

24. Is it better to have the power of flight or the power of invisibility?

A classic superpower debate with endless humorous possibilities.

25. Should people have to take a test to become parents?

A light-hearted take on a serious topic, sure to provoke interesting arguments.

26. Would you rather live in a world where everyone can only whisper or where everyone can only shout?

Imagining these scenarios can lead to some hilarious debates.

27. Is it better to be a dragon or have a dragon as a pet?

A whimsical topic that sparks creativity and fantasy.

28. Should we ban all reality TV shows?

This one can lead to funny critiques and defenses of popular shows.

29. Is it better to be always cold or always hot?

A relatable topic that can bring out personal preferences and funny stories.

30. Would you rather have a tail or wings?

A silly yet imaginative debate that encourages creative thinking.

31. Should toilet paper hang over or under the roll?

A surprisingly divisive topic that’s also light and fun.

32. Would you rather have the ability to teleport or the ability to time travel?

This topic allows for creative scenarios and funny “what-if” discussions.

33. Is it better to be super strong or super fast?

Another superpower debate that can lead to interesting arguments and humor.

34. Should you eat spaghetti with a spoon or a fork?

A simple yet surprisingly contentious topic.

35. Would you rather never have to sleep or never have to eat?

This can lead to amusing considerations of daily life without these necessities.

36. Should unicorns be the national animal?

A fantastical and funny topic that can lead to creative national pride.

37. Is it better to have a robot maid or a robot chef?

Encourages students to think about their daily lives and preferences.

38. Should everyone have a clone of themselves?

This can lead to hilarious discussions about the pros and cons of having a clone.

39. Would you rather always have to wear clown shoes or a clown wig?

A funny and silly debate topic that can lead to lots of laughs.

40. Is it better to always be hungry or always be tired?

A relatable debate that can lead to humorous anecdotes and preferences.

41. Should we replace all human jobs with robots?

A funny yet thought-provoking topic about the future of work.

42. Would you rather have to sing every word you speak or dance every time you move?

A playful debate that can lead to amusing scenarios.

Related: 50 Icebreaker Questions for Kids

43. Is it better to have a constant itch or a constant hiccup?

A gross and funny debate that’s sure to get strong reactions.

44. Should students be required to wear uniforms in school?

A classic topic that can lead to funny and creative arguments.

45. Would you rather live in space or underwater?

A fantastical debate that encourages imaginative thinking.

46. Is it better to be famous or rich?

A thought-provoking yet light-hearted topic that can lead to interesting discussions.

47. Should we have a national day dedicated to napping?

A funny and relatable topic that most students will enjoy debating.

48. Would you rather have a pet dinosaur or a pet alien?

A whimsical debate that sparks creativity and fun.

49. Is it better to live without music or without movies?

A challenging choice that can lead to passionate arguments.

50. Should we eliminate all sports and replace them with eSports?

A modern and funny debate topic that can lead to interesting points of view.

51. Should we have a law that requires everyone to take a daily nap?

A funny and relaxing idea that could spark interesting discussions.

52. Would you rather live in a world made of LEGO or a world made of gingerbread?

A whimsical debate that can lead to imaginative and humorous scenarios.

53. Should weekends be extended to three days?

A topic that most students will likely have strong (and humorous) opinions about.

54. Is it better to have a rewind button or a fast-forward button in life?

Encourages creative thinking about time and life experiences.

55. Should all movies be musicals?

A light-hearted debate that can lead to funny considerations of popular movies as musicals.

56. Would you rather have an endless supply of your favorite food or never gain weight from eating it?

A delicious debate that can lead to amusing arguments and personal preferences.

57. Is it better to always have perfect hair or perfect teeth?

A fun topic that can lead to humorous discussions about appearance and priorities.

58. Should superheroes have to register with the government?

A playful take on a serious topic, sure to provoke interesting (and funny) arguments.

59. Would you rather be able to talk to plants or understand animal languages?

Encourages creativity and fun discussions about communication with nature.

60. Is it better to be the best player on a losing team or the worst player on a winning team?

A thought-provoking topic that can lead to interesting personal stories and preferences.

61. Should everyone be required to learn how to juggle?

A humorous and skill-based debate that can lead to funny scenarios.

62. Would you rather have a magical remote control that can pause or mute people?

A fun debate that encourages imaginative thinking about everyday life.

63. Is it better to have a pet dragon or a pet unicorn?

A fantastical debate that sparks creativity and humor.

64. Should all buildings be made of glass?

A whimsical and slightly absurd debate that can lead to funny considerations.

65. Would you rather always have to wear a superhero costume or a fairy tale character costume?

A playful topic that can lead to amusing discussions about daily life in costumes.

66. Is it better to be able to breathe underwater or fly in the sky?

67. Should we replace all currency with chocolate coins?

A deliciously funny topic that can lead to interesting and creative arguments.

68. Would you rather always have to skip everywhere or dance everywhere?

A light-hearted debate that encourages funny mental images and scenarios.

69. Is it better to have an elephant-sized cat or a cat-sized elephant?

A whimsical and funny topic that can lead to creative and humorous arguments.

70. Should school start later in the day and end later in the evening?

A topic that many students will likely have strong (and humorous) opinions about.

71. Would you rather have a personal robot or a personal chef?

A fun debate that encourages thinking about daily life and convenience.

72. Is it better to always know the time or always know the weather?

A thought-provoking yet light-hearted topic that can lead to interesting arguments.

73. Should we have a holiday dedicated to playing video games?

A modern and funny debate topic that many students will enjoy.

74. Would you rather always speak in rhymes or sing everything you say?

A playful topic that can lead to amusing scenarios and discussions.

75. Is it better to have a superpower that only works on your birthday or one that works every day but only for an hour?

Encourages creative thinking and humorous considerations of superpowers.

76. Should we eliminate all homework and replace it with fun projects?

77. Would you rather live in a treehouse or a houseboat?

A whimsical debate that sparks imagination and fun discussions.

78. Is it better to have a head the size of a watermelon or the size of a tennis ball?

A silly and humorous debate that encourages creative thinking.

79. Should everyone be required to learn a musical instrument?

A fun topic that can lead to interesting arguments about music and education.

80. Would you rather have the ability to make plants grow faster or heal animals?

A thoughtful and imaginative debate that encourages consideration of nature and kindness.

Related: Spring Would You Rather Questions

Final thoughts

I hope you have found these funny debate topics both entertaining and valuable for fostering engaging discussions in your classroom. As I mentioned in the introduction, debates are not only an opportunity for students to express their opinions but also a chance for them to sharpen their critical thinking and communication skills. Embrace the practice and watch as your students grow both intellectually and personally.

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Meet Med Kharbach, PhD

Dr. Med Kharbach is an influential voice in the global educational technology landscape, with an extensive background in educational studies and a decade-long experience as a K-12 teacher. Holding a Ph.D. from Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Canada, he brings a unique perspective to the educational world by integrating his profound academic knowledge with his hands-on teaching experience. Dr. Kharbach's academic pursuits encompass curriculum studies, discourse analysis, language learning/teaching, language and identity, emerging literacies, educational technology, and research methodologies. His work has been presented at numerous national and international conferences and published in various esteemed academic journals.

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Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 177 Writing & Speech Ideas
Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 177 Writing & Speech Ideas. by IvyPanda®. 10 min. 66,918. Every one of us needs a little bit of laughter in our lives. In the academic world, working on a persuasive essay on a fun topic is one of the best ways to enjoy paper writing. By discussing something entertaining, you can connect with your reader on a ...
100+ Funny Argumentative Essay Topic Ideas
Random Funny Topics. Why I like dog kisses best. What would happen if cats (or dogs or hamsters) ruled the world. Where all the mismatched socks go. Why I hate country music (or rap, classic rock, hip-hop, jazz, etc.). The worst song in the world. Why people love to watch shark attack shows.
371 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics for 2024
371 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics for 2024. UPD: May 16th, 2024. 1,218,842. 466. Our Experts. can deliver a custom essay. for a mere 11.00 9.35/page 304 qualified. specialists online Learn more. Writing an argumentative essay is not the funniest thing to do.
100+ Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics That Will Make You Laugh Out
We have 100+ funny persuasive essay topics to make readers laugh and reconsider their views. Humor makes arguments powerful. Choose an issue you care about, and let the funny persuasion start! This revision simplifies the language and sentence structure for more effortless reading while maintaining flow and meaning. The topics are reorganized ...
103 Hilarious & Serious Essays
Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli 103 Hilarious and Serious Essays. Some of these are funny, and some are serious. If you can't tell the difference then I'm not doing my job. ... Okay, it's considered a really overdone topic in comedy- the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.
111 Humor Topics and Essay Examples
Here, the comedy of absurd is presented in the description of the state of poverty in the family of Okonkwo's father. Dark Humor in The Cask of Amontillado Essay. The use of horror and humor in "The Cask of Amontillado" by Edgar Allan Poe is one of the literary features that the author uses to constructs the story.
Exploring 60+ Creative Satirical Essay Topics: Beyond Comedy
4. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961) Heller's novel hilariously underscores the absurdity of war and the bureaucratic maze of the military. Captain John Yossarian, a U.S. Air Force bombardier feigning insanity to avoid more bombing missions, embodies the dark comedy that ensues in wartime.
Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas
Authenticity can make your humor more appealing. And then the ideas of how to start an essay funny will come to you quite easily. Wordplay and Puns: Incorporate clever wordplay and puns to add a witty touch to your content. Play with language to elicit laughter. Timing is Key: Master the art of comedic timing.
406 Fun Essay Topics & Argumentative Ideas
Easy Fun Topics. Candy Creations: The Sweet Artistry Behind Novelty Sweets. Spooky Stories: The Fun of Creating Your Own Ghost Tales. Mustache Movements: The Humorous History of Facial Hair Trends. Robots Rule: The Exciting Future of Toy Robots. Magical Mornings: The Joy of Breakfast in Bed Traditions.
Funny Argumentative Essay Topics
List of Fifty Funny Argumentative Essay Ideas. 1. Why you should never trust a dog with your food. 2. The time I tried to be a vegetarian and failed miserably. 3. Why you should never give up on your dreams. 4. How to win an argument with someone who is clearly wrong.
Funny Argumentative Essay Topics: Comprehensive Topic List
Using funny words in your argumentative essay might seem a hassle, but remember that they have a great impact on your professor. You might be more convincing than the rest of your class and get a better grade. List Of Funny Topics. Even if you decide to craft a funny argumentative essay, choosing the best topic might be challenging.
127 Funny Controversial Topics to Start a Lively Discussion
Funny Controversial Topics on Food. There seem to be endless disagreements on how food should be stored, cooked, eaten, and even served. That's probably why our list of controversial food topics is the longest one. You can probably spend days discussing the questions related to pizza alone. So here's some food for thought (ba dum - tss).
50+ Funny Argumentative Essay Topics
Still, if students get a chance to write on the topic of their choice, one of these funny argumentative essay topics will be great. Vegetarians are destroying plants. The internet is the bane of human being's existence. The death penalty should be revived for economic purposes. Governments should pay their citizens.
150 Satire Essay Topics Ideas (Funny and Interesting)
150 Satire Essay Topics Ideas. As a student, you are required to write a variety of different essays and articles for school and college. Of course, this means writing about lots of interesting topics and subjects, but it also means writing in different styles too. If you study English or any of the social sciences, changes are you will have to ...
Funny Debate Topics
Check out our descriptive essay topics and narrative essay topics too! List of Funny Debate Topics. Cats vs. Dogs: The Ultimate Pet Showdown: An age-old debate that can be tackled with humor. Students can argue the merits and drawbacks of having either a cat or a dog as a pet.
How to Write Humor: Funny Essay Writing Tips
Humor brings people together and has the power to transform how we think about the world. Of course, not everyone is adept at being funny—particularly in writing. Making people laugh takes some skill and finesse, and, because so much relies on instinct, is harder to teach than other techniques. However, all writers can benefit from learning more about how humor functions in writing. Below ...
130 New Prompts for Argumentative Writing
Try our student writing prompts. In 2017, we compiled a list of 401 argumentative writing prompts, all drawn from our daily Student Opinion column. Now, we're rounding up 130 more we've ...
120+ Fascinating Essay Topics for High School Students
Humorous Essay Topics for High School. Humorous essays can take on any form, like narrative, persuasive, or expository. You might employ sarcasm or satire, or simply tell a story about a funny person or event. Even though these essay topics are lighthearted, they still take some skill to tackle well. Give these ideas a try.
510 Funny Speech Topics & Informative, Persuasive Ideas
Argumentative Funny Speech Topics. Penguins as Skilled Business Executives: A Chilly Proposition. Transforming Deserts Into Giant Sandboxes: A Drought of Fun. Banning Broccoli: A Vegetable Revolt. Living Underwater: Mermaid Lifestyle for Humans. Food Fights as Mediation Tactics: A Messy Resolution.
75 Funny Debate Topics To Make Students Laugh (and Think!)
These funny debate topics are a little more complex and will really get people thinking. 51. Pluto should still be considered a planet. 52. Santa Claus' elves should be paid minimum wage. 53. There is intelligent life on other planets. 54. The egg came before the chicken.
420 Funny Speech Topics: Fun Topics for Presentations, Fun Informative
Humor can make your speech vivid and engaging. Even if your topic is far from being funny, a small joke can relieve the tension. It will make people more interested in your personality and in what you are going to say. Slides can also be funny. Nobody reads long and colorless pieces of text on the screen.
10 Hilarious and Engaging Funny Speech Topics for Your Next
Short speeches (1-3 minutes, 4-6 minutes, 7-10 minutes) Crafting short speeches requires focused content to engage audiences quickly. Here are some engaging and amusing topics for your next presentation, tailored according to the length of your speech: 1-3 minutes: How to Make a Perfect Cup of Coffee. The Benefits of Laughter in Daily Life.
Top 300 Funny Topics
This category has some of the best funny essay topics to research and even write about. You can also choose funny topics to argue about in this category. Nevertheless, conduct some research to come up with a strong argument. Funny Debate Topics for Middle School. Debating is one of the skills that kids learn in middle school.
The Hottest Narrative Essay Topics to Inspire Your Writing in 2024
Here are evergreen narrative essay ideas. A serene day by the beach. The pain of living in a crime-prone neighborhood. My favorite high school moment. A visit to a haunted house. The wedding celebration that never happened. My perfect winter experience. My favorite summer hobby. A visit to my favorite museum.
80 Funny Debate Topics
Debates are structured discussions where participants express varying opinions on a given topic. The importance of debate lies in its ability to foster critical thinking, enhance communication skills, and build confidence among participants. In today's post, I compiled a wide variety of funny debate topics to spark lively discussions and laughter in the classroom.