homework kid crying

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3 Things to Do When Your Kid Cries over Homework

“Noooo… I can’t do it.  I don’t have the time!!”

Have you heard this from your child when she sits down to do homework?  My gosh, it wrecks me.

I can feel her overwhelm. What can I do but jump in and try to help?

“It’s ok sweetie, let’s write down all the things you have to do to get it out of your head.”

“NO!” she pouts back, “That won’t help.  I don’t know any of this and I have to get started now.”

What do you do with that? 

You see the problem, you know the steps to take to fix it and yet your child pushes you away like you couldn’t possibly know what she’s talking about or what she’s dealing with.

I have a feeling its what our parents used to think about us.

Homework can become one neverending nightmare.  What do we do when our kids struggle with it and yet refuse our help?

Second, we need to prepare with a great response.

Read : How to Stay Calm and Win the Homework Battle

#1 We step back.

Kids want autonomy.   They want control over their lives.

Sometimes our well-meaning suggestions threaten that sense of control – especially as they get older.

FYI: This post contains affiliate links to products I love and recommend.  It costs you nothing extra if you purchase through my link, but I may get a small commission .

In her book Untangled: Guiding Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D. tells the story of a girl Trina, whose mom tried to control her homework.  Well-meaning mom would stand over Trina making sure every problem was answered and correct.

Well, Trina did her homework.  But then, she refused to turn it in.

Only after Trina’s mom stepped back from homework to make it truly her daughter’s responsibility did Trina start turning in assignments.

Read: How to stop the homework fight even if your kid outright refuses to work

How to step back effectively

How did she do this?  She offered her help, but then tied Trina’s grades to the level of maturity she showed.  The more maturity she showed by her participation in school, the more privileges she had outside of it.

This consequence makes sense because 1) Trina’s parents needed to know they could trust her and 2) They truly wanted Trina to succeed.  It wasn’t punitive but rather a stepping stool to growing up.

With homework, we can offer our help but then we need to step back when our kids refuse to take it.

#2 We can’t reason with emotions

When I don’t want to do something—like, really don’t want to do something—I get emotional. You may do it, too. If you ever want to cry just thinking about doing all the dishes piling up in the sink, this will speak to you. 

We’re stressed. We’re overwhelmed. It’s a natural reaction and some people are better handling it than others.

Our kids get this way, too. After all the after-school activities and demands on their time, kids get understandably tired.

Kendra, a mom from Chandler, Arizona, says this is exactly how her son reacts to homework. She explains that, “if he’s mad and tired, he’s writing mad and tired.”

When our kids cry and look miserable, it triggers a huge protective instinct in us parents. We hate seeing them this way and think of any way we can make it better. Sometimes that means giving in and releasing them from homework for the night; or maybe it means you’re by their side as their personal cheerleader – cheering them through math, one painful equation at a time.

“C’mon you can do it. Just one more. Just one more.”

I release you from that responsibility. Not only does it stress you out, but your kiddo can feel your stress as well.

When emotions get high…

Instead, take a break.  There is no reason that kids need to power through homework in elementary school and middle school.

Is your kid overwhelmed? Take the homework away.

One of two things will happen:

• Either they’ll keep crying and break down further which gives you the chance to swoop in and give some serious cuddling.
• Or they’ll stop the crying to get their homework back. 

When this happens, you know that the tantrum was manipulative.  It was to get something out of you, whether it was the answers or your step-by-step coaching. 

#3 We need to teach kids to motivate themselves

We ‘re all forced to do unpleasant tasks (hello, pooper scoop in the backyard!) And yet, by the time we’re adults, we know how to push through those less-than-desirable tasks to achieve the results we’re after.

Read: The Four Skills Kids Must Master in Elementary School Homework

In fact, this is a necessary qualification to be successful. If success were all fun, everyone would get there.

We must treat homework the same.

• Those twenty math facts need to be practiced.
• Those spelling words you don’t know how to spell need to be written.
• That math worksheet you’re scared of: the quicker you’re into it, the quicker you’re out. 

As a parent, we don’t have the time or energy to be a constant cheerleader to our kids. 

And, even if we did, it wouldn’t serve them in the long run. 

That’s OK because I’ll teach you strategies that you can then teach your children on how to motivate themselves through difficult (and boring) assignments. 

The Answer to Homework Hell

When our kids complain through nightly homework, it digs into us.  I’m hesitant to say it causes us physical pain, but it kind of does.

However, by stepping back, not trying to reason with emotions and teaching our kids how to motivate themselves, we will see improvement.

Our kids will fight us less.

Homework time will be less of a dreaded task. 

If homework is a struggle and you need support as a parent, go get my book Drama Free Homework: A Parent’s Guide to Eliminating Homework Battles and Raising Focused Kids. In it, I walk you through creating a homework routine that’s right for your family.

Want me to PERSONALLY teach your child the necessary homework skills?  Then, Homework 911 is for you. 

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Battles Over Homework: Advice For Parents

Guidelines for helping children develop self-discipline with their homework..

Posted September 5, 2012 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

I would like to offer some advice about one of the most frequent problems presented to me in over 30 years of clinical practice: battles over homework. I have half-jokingly told many parents that if the schools of New York State no longer required homework, our children’s education would suffer (slightly). But, as a child psychologist, I would be out of business.

Many parents accept this conflict with their children as an unavoidable consequence of responsible parenting . These battles, however, rarely result in improved learning or performance in school. More often than not, battles over homework lead to vicious cycles of nagging by parents and avoidance or refusal by children, with no improvement in a child’s school performance. And certainly no progress toward what should be our ultimate goals : helping children enjoy learning and develop age-appropriate discipline and independence with respect to their schoolwork.

Before I present a plan for reducing battles over homework, it is important to begin with this essential reminder:

The solution to the problem of homework always begins with an accurate diagnosis and a recognition of the demands placed on your child. Parents should never assume that a child who resists doing homework is “lazy.”

Every child whose parents or teachers report ongoing resistance to completing schoolwork or homework; every child whose performance in school is below expectations based on his parents’ or teachers’ intuitive assessment of his intellectual potential; and every child who, over an extended period of time, complains that he “hates school” or “hates reading,” should be evaluated for the presence of an attention or learning disorder.

These children are not lazy. Your child may be anxious, frustrated, discouraged, distracted, or angry—but this is not laziness. I frequently explain to parents that, as a psychologist, the word lazy is not in my dictionary. Lazy, at best, is a description, not an explanation.

For children with learning difficulties, doing their homework is like running with a sprained ankle: It is possible, although painful, and he will look for ways to avoid or postpone this painful and discouraging task.

A Homework Plan

Homework, like any constructive activity, involves moments of frustration, discouragement, and anxiety . If you begin with some appreciation of your child’s frustration and discouragement, you will be better able to put in place a structure that helps him learn to work through his frustration—to develop increments of frustration tolerance and self-discipline.

I offer families who struggle with this problem a Homework Plan:

• Set aside a specified, and limited, time for homework. Establish, early in the evening, a homework hour.
• For most children, immediately after school is not the best time for homework. This is a time for sports, for music and drama, and free play.
• During the homework hour, all electronics are turned off—for the entire family.
• Work is done in a communal place, at the kitchen or dining room table. Contrary to older conventional wisdom , most elementary school children are able to work more much effectively in a common area, with an adult and even other children present, than in the “quiet” of their rooms.
• Parents may do their own ”homework” during this time, but they are present and continually available to help, to offer encouragement, and to answer children’s questions. Your goal is to create, to the extent possible, a library atmosphere in your home, again, for a specified and limited period of time. Ideally, therefore, parents should not make or receive telephone calls during this hour. And when homework is done, there is time for play.
• Begin with a reasonable, a doable, amount of time set aside for homework. If your child is unable to work for 20 minutes, begin with 10 minutes. Then try 15 minutes in the next week. Acknowledge every increment of effort, however small.
• Be positive and give frequent encouragement. Make note of every improvement, not every mistake.
• Be generous with your praise. Praise their effort, not their innate ability. But do not be afraid of praise.
• Anticipate setbacks. After a difficult day, reset for the following day.
• Give them time. A child’s difficulty completing homework begins as a problem of frustration and discouragement, but it is then complicated by defiant attitudes and feelings of unfairness. A homework plan will begin to reduce these defiant attitudes, but this will not happen overnight.

Most families have found these suggestions helpful, especially for elementary school children. Establishing a homework hour allows parents to move away from a language of threats (“If you don’t__ you won’t be able to__”) to a language of opportunities (“When” or “As soon as” you have finished__ we’ll have a chance to__”).

Of course, for many hurried families, there are complications and potential glitches in implementing any homework plan. It is often difficult, with children’s many activities, to find a consistent time for homework. Some flexibility, some amendments to the plan, may be required. But we should not use the complications of scheduling or other competing demands as an excuse, a reason not to establish the structure of a reasonable homework routine.

Copyright Ken Barish, Ph.D.

See Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems .

Kenneth Barish, Ph.D. , is a clinical associate professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University.

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Posted on October 8, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…

Research confirms that short breaks help a person’s brain refresh and process. Staring at the page may not produce any new thinking in your child and in fact, staying there when irritated can burn valuable fuel and decrease motivation to put in the hard work necessary to get through the learning process.

But if he walks away, gets some fresh air, or moves a bit, he might feel differently. This small change of scenery can boost thinking skills in powerful ways. He can think more clearly and become a better problem-solver when he returns. He may even gain some new ideas or solutions to his problem removed from the work setting. This functions in the same way that we experience the “shower effect.” Do you get your best ideas in the shower too? Or perhaps your most creative thoughts come when you are driving in the car with no laptop or notepad at the ready? Or maybe when you’ve laid down to go to sleep for the night, your brain starts firing off brilliant thoughts. In order to access our top thinking skills, we require a mental rest. Consider that a short brain break for your child is working with their natural thinking processes to facilitate them, not fight against them.

So although our intention to promote grit and “stick-to-attive-ness” in our children comes from a genuine hope to help them be successful, teaching and promoting brain breaks can help children learn to manage their emotions more effectively while working. And in addition, they may be able to extend their focused attention when they return to work with added motivation from the fuel they’ve gained.

Here are some simple ways to teach, practice, and promote the essential brain break.

Talk about the Brain Break during a regular (non-frustrating) homework time.

Or if homework is consistently frustrating, then pick a non-homework time to talk about how to take brain breaks.

Brainstorm ideas.

See if you can come up with a few ideas together. What can your child do when taking a brain break? You might ask: “ What makes you feel better or gives you comfort when you’re feeling frustrated? ” You can share some restorative ideas like walking outside and breathing in the fresh air, doing some jumping jacks or a yoga pose, getting a drink of water, or visiting a favorite stuffed friend. For young children, imitate your favorite animal. Hop like a bunny or jump from limb to limb like a squirrel. For older children, listen to your favorite song or play on a musical instrument. Have your child write or draw their ideas. Keep that paper in your homework location so that when it’s needed, you can remind your child to take a look at what ideas she’s had and pick one. Daniel Goleman’s book entitled “ Focus; The Hidden Driver of Excellence ” recommends getting outside in nature as one of the most restorative (and just stepping outside your front door counts!). He also writes that checking email, surfing the web, or playing video games are not restorative so avoid those when you are generating brain break ideas.

Discuss school brain breaks.

Yes, brain breaks are key at school too. But does your child’s teacher offer them? Even if they do, they are likely structured breaks for all students and may not serve your own child’s needs at the moment she has them. Help her learn self-management skills by figuring out what she can do in the midst of frustrating moments when she is sitting at her desk completing a worksheet or taking a test. Because mindfulness simply means becoming aware of your body and your thoughts and feelings (and holding compassion for those feelings – not judgement), it can be done anywhere. Your child could count to ten slowly while breathing deeply. Your child could tap each finger on her page individually while breathing noticing the touching sensation. She could wiggle each toe in her shoes noticing how that feels. These pauses can help her bring her focus back to her work.

Set a timer.

Brain breaks should not be long. After all, your child has work to accomplish and especially on school nights, time is limited. So allow enough time to move away and change the perspective but not so much time that your child gets involved in another activity. One to three minutes could be enough to accomplish that goal. Also, put your child in charge of the timer. You don’t want to be the one managing this break. Give your child that responsibility.

Do a dry run.

Practice is important before using it. Include deep breathing in your practice. For young children, try out hot chocolate breathing or teddy bear breathing to practice this important part of the break. For older children, you can merely count to ten while breathing or exaggerate the sound of your deep breathing together. Call “ brain break. ” Move away from work, breathe deeply, and try out your child’s idea for one restorative practice. This practice will ensure that she is well-rehearsed and can call upon that memory when she’s feeling frustrated and taken over by her flight or fight survival brain.

Notice, remind, and reinforce through reflection.

After you’ve generated ideas and practiced, then notice when you see your child getting frustrated. You might say, “ I notice you have a frustrated look on your face. Would a brain break help ?” Then after she does a brain break and her homework is complete, reflect. “ Did that help you and how did it help you? ” in order to maximize her learning.

For parents, teaching and promoting brain breaks with your child can serve as a helpful reminder to us. Yes, we also require brain breaks as we deal with a myriad of responsibilities and attempt to use focused attention with our child, as well as our work, as well as our household and social responsibilities. If you notice you are feeling overloaded with it all, how can you incorporate brain breaks into your own day to help you become more effective? I think I’ll take one…right now.

For Educators, check out this great article on Edutopia on how to incorporate brain breaks and other focusing activities into your daily classroom routines.

Brain Breaks and Focused Attention Practices

References:

Goleman, D. (2013). Focus; The hidden driven of excellence . NY: Harper Collins.

Kim et al. (2018). Daily micro-breaks and job performance: General work engagement as a cross-level moderator. Journal of Applied Psychology. 103 (7) 772-786.

Originally published on February 17, 2019.

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Category: Building a Positive Family Environment Tags: brain breaks , Coping skills , Dealing with big feelings , frustrating homework , homework frustrations , learning challenges , Self-management , upset during homework

11 Comments on “Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…”

Thanks for your share. There are as many ways to learn as there are people. Since college, I found methods for learning that reduced after school study time from 20 hours to nearly none. As a teacher, I shared some of these ideas, but encouraged the kids to find what works for them. They could use what I shared, try it, but find what works for them. Here’s what I shared: As the teacher lectures, read the book/text (splitting attention for high functioning students), or read the book soon after the lecture (which I gave time). I would take notes as the teacher talked, but also summarize paragraphs as I read (like one or two phrases each). I also got into the habit of drawing pictures to explain each page (main point). Now, this sounds complex, but it isn’t, all happening at the same time. She lectures, I’m reading and listening: listening for the main points. As I’m reading, I’m summarizing paragraphs and drawing pictures so I can visualize what is happening. At home, all I do is read the notes and look at the pictures, while it’s fresh, to review. Never had to study for tests except to review the notes and think about them. The students who understood this improved in grades. I taught them to learn through understanding, not memorization. Understand and all the pieces fit. Some kids used aspects of this, borrowing, but including their own ideas. The main thing is to understand as you go.

Wow! Thank you sincerely for sharing how you study and advise others! This is so excellent. I really appreciate how you incorporate multiple ways of grappling with the material as you are learning it – summarizing, drawing pictures. These are terrific study methods. I think this is a blog article of the future since very few schools actually take the time to teach study skills. Are you a parent too? My criteria for writing an guest article is that you are a parent (of an 0-18 year old in your household) and have experience/expertise in child development or social and emotional development. If you are interested and fit that criteria, I hope you’ll email me at [email protected] . Thanks for the excellent comment! Best, Jennifer

You’re not going to beleive me when I explain. I was married once, but no children. However, as a teacher, I gathered that if I didn’t have my own children, the work of teaching would be worth the time. But, I think, my friends and family would tell you they think I’m unusual. I’m not. I simply wanted to understand learning and how best to learn, since I hated school while growing up and looked for easier ways. I’ll share something, and people can read my site for other articles (Those articles aren’t the most popular, because writing seems to block the communication that happens in person.). This was when I trained a horse. I had learned some riding in college, then helped people learn beginning riding in summer camp. But I had never trained a horse. **One day, while at work, a friend told me of another friend who was looking for someone to train his 2/3 year old thoroughbred horse. It had never been trained, never been saddled: basically, it was a pet. So, I told him I could train the horse. He didn’t ask if I had ever trained a horse, just if I could. Of course I could. Had no idea what was going to happen. I read one book on the horse whisperer and one magazine about horse training tips. I thought about horses. I knew I liked them, been around them while learning riding, so I figured all would be good. Then, I thought about what training might look like, visualized lessons, wrote down ideas, then went one step at a time. Met the horse, with the owner. Got to know the horse. Two weeks later, we could walk, trot, cantor, gallop, walk backwards, and open gates while sitting on the horse. But we were a partnership. I just listened to what the horse was telling me. This isn’t hard. It’s just all too many of us have been educated out of our common sense. We’ve lost that innate knowing that children have. When I teach, I try to support what children already have, teaching them to trust themselves, but they must do the work. Hope this helps.

Oh my goodness! I love it! I love your example of training a horse and how you learned what you could be then and then deep dove into a partnership of learning with the horse. That’s beautiful! That is how we all learn, isn’t it? It’s just that we adults seem to run into many fears and barriers as we attempt to let go of some of the control while we allow for our learning partner to try and take chances and experiment. It’s a dance for sure. I also love that you hated school but loved figuring out how learning takes place and how you could do it in a way that your students actually derived joy from the experience. Just wonderful! Thank you for writing! You have a whole lot of wisdom to share! Glad you are blogging about it! Please keep in touch. Best, Jennifer

By the way, Jennifer, you’re one of the reasons I keep trying to encourage others to see how easy learning is.

Thank for that comment! I appreciate it. I too am a student of learning and think we can gain a whole lot from learning from our children!

Good ideas. L,M >

Hi Jennifer, Brain break tricks you shared are really helpful for parents , teachers and students as well. Not every time one can go for vacation or on a trip. Many parents feel helpless when they see kids struggling with their work. I am sure if they document such tips and tricks and go through it every if and then, then it would be more helpful for them. ‘Deep breath’ technique is really wonderful for elders as well, it calms and fresh you up with in minutes. School and tuition teachers also need to learn and use such tactics to involve kids in better way. Thanks for sharing.

Zayden, I agree! Breaks and teaching coping strategies can be such empowering tools for parents as they support learning at home. Appreciate your feedback! 🙂 Jennifer

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End Homework Anxiety: Stress-Busting Techniques for Your Child

Sometimes kids dread homework because they'd rather be outside playing when they're not at school. But, sometimes a child's resistance to homework is more intense than a typical desire to be having fun, and it can be actually be labeled as homework anxiety: a legitimate condition suffered by some students who feel intense feelings of fear and dread when it comes to doing homework. Read on to learn about what homework anxiety is and whether your child may be suffering from it.

What is Homework Anxiety?

Homework anxiety is a condition in which students stress about and fear homework, often causing them to put homework off until later . It is a self-exacerbating condition because the longer the student puts off the homework, the more anxiety they feel about it, and the more pressure they experience to finish the work with less time. Homework anxiety can cripple some kids who are perfectly capable of doing the work, causing unfinished assignments and grades that slip.

What Causes Homework Anxiety?

There are many causes of homework anxiety, and there can be multiple factors spurring feelings of fear and stress. Some common causes of homework anxiety include:

• Other anxiety issues: Students who tend to suffer anxiety and worry, in general, can begin to associate anxiety with their homework, as well.
• Fear of testing: Often, homework is associated with upcoming tests and quizzes, which affect grades. Students can feel pressure related to being "graded" and avoid homework since it feels weighty and important.
• General school struggle: When students are struggling in school or with grades, they may feel a sense of anxiety about learning and school in general.
• Lack of support: Without a parent, sibling, tutor, or other help at home, students may feel that they won't have the necessary support to complete an assignment.
• Perfectionism: Students who want to perform perfectly in school may get anxious about completing a homework assignment perfectly and, in turn, procrastinate.

Basic Tips for Helping with Homework Anxiety

To help your child with homework anxiety, there are a few basic tips to try. Set time limits for homework, so that students know there is a certain time of the day when they must start and finish assignments. This helps them avoid putting off homework until it feels too rushed and pressured. Make sure your student has support available when doing their work, so they know they'll be able to ask for help if needed. Teaching your child general tips to deal with anxiety can also help, like deep breathing, getting out to take a short walk, or quieting racing thoughts in their mind to help them focus.

How can the Brain Balance Program Help with Homework Anxiety?

Extensive scientific research demonstrates that the brain is malleable, allowing for brain connectivity change and development and creating an opportunity for improvement at any age. Brain Balance has applied this research to develop a program that focuses on building brain connectivity and improving the foundation of development, rather than masking or coping with symptoms.

If you have a child or a teenager who struggles with homework anxiety, an assessment can help to identify key areas for improvement and create an action plan for you and your child. To get started, take our quick, free online assessment by clicking the link below. 

Get started with a plan for your child today.

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Help for homework tantrums.

• Parent Stress , Parenting

For a number of days in a row, when homework time approached in the evening, my son met it with resistance and frustration. I would see a range of reactions, from announcing that it was boring and he wasn’t going to do it, to kicking and yelling and crying over his homework. I noticed in myself how inflexible I was around homework time – I was frustrated that he wouldn’t just sit down and do the assignments that looked to me like they were easy enough to do with his eyes closed! It got to the point where I could not touch homework time – we just had to wait until my husband got home to do it with him, as he was somehow able to put more play and lightness to it and succeeded in helping our son get it completed. I could see that this was going to be an emotional project for the whole family and needed a new strategy fast.

I started on this issue in my own listening partnerships . I got listening about how frustrating homework was, how intolerable my sons behavior was, especially when it was always topics I know he is good at and have seen him complete with ease! I got listening around how when I was his age homework was easy for me, so why did it have to be such a struggle for him? And finally, how I don’t like that homework even exists! It cuts into our family time in the evenings, and more often than not it IS as boring as my son says it is.

Next, I made a point to do Special Time with my son before my husband got home to do homework with him. Honestly I was happy to do Special Time in place of homework with my son, it was much more enjoyable. We would wrestle, or pillow fight, or play his favorite video game depending on what he would choose. I started to notice that homework time seemed to go much easier when he would get this extra connection. I saw these as little victories along the way, but still I found that writing homework of any kind continued to be a frustrating struggle.

One evening my son pulled out his spelling and writing assignments and asked for my help. He was already upset about the subject of the homework before he even pulled it out of his backpack. I asked him to read me the instructions while I was cooking something in the kitchen. He became more and more distracted and agitated. I told him it was time to stop playing with what he was playing with and sit down to focus on homework. “Then come help me!!” He screamed. He screamed this again, and I put down what I was doing to come in closer to him. He kept yelling “Help me! Help me!” over and over again, and the closer I got to him while offering my help with my words, the louder he yelled it. He was kicking and screaming on the floor and I just continued to say “I am here to help you,” while he continued to scream for help.

This went on for some time and I continued to stay close, holding a gentle arm around his baby brother to make sure he did not accidentally get kicked. I acknowledged that homework was frustrating, that he works really hard all day at school. He screamed and kicked, and cried a small amount. After a while his system began to settle down and relax. He turned to a toy to play with and I let him take his time to play and relax while I went back to the kitchen to cook dinner.

By the time dinner was done, he had returned to the table and quietly completed his homework on his own. He was very proud of his work, and showed me each part.  In these last few weeks, I have continued my connection tools all in combination, and it has meant that I have been able to help him with his homework. He now will often complete it before my husband gets home and we get extra time to play and connect as a whole family.

— Natalie Thiel , Certified  Parenting by Connection  Instructor

If you have challenges around homework or setting limits, consider our online Setting Limits and Building Cooperation course.

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Why Is My Child Crying During Homework?

School and academic issues can be a challenging part of parenting. Kids with ADHD are more apt to face various school-related challenges at any grade level. These can include but aren't limited to a higher prevalence of learning disabilities, overwhelm, trouble starting homework or maintaining focus on homework, and more.

It isn't uncommon for kids to dislike homework, but what if your child cries during homework? In this article, we'll discuss tips to try when a child cries over homework, reasons why kids might cry over homework, and how Joon can help.

Things To Try When Your Child Cries Over Homework 

When parents see their kids tearful or angry during homework time, it's not easy. However, although changes to a child's workload or homework assignments might be viable if you discuss it with school staff, homework is unavoidable to some degree for most kids. Parents can use a range of tactics to make homework time easier. Here are some tips to try.

Try Joon App

Say goodbye to homework battles with Joon app! Help your child build better habits and conquer their homework with fun, interactive activities. Our app rewards your child for completing tasks and staying focused, helping them feel proud of their achievements. No more tears or frustration, just happy, confident learning. Try Joon app today and see the difference it can make in your child's academic success Claim your 7-day free trial here .

Give them space

Give children space when they cry so they can let it out and reach a calmer state. Rather than leave children alone to cry without context, talk with them first and say, "It's okay to rest. We'll get back to your homework after." 

Once your child is ready to talk, listen to what they have to say. Your child may give you insight into why they don't want to do homework or feel upset during homework, which could help you find a long-term solution in some cases. 

Even if you can't throw the homework out the window, you can teach children that their emotions matter and that you can help them approach homework differently using the other strategies below.

Have a homework-time plan

Routines help children get into the habit of completing homework, chores, and other tasks. Create a homework routine so your child knows exactly what time of day they need to do their homework. Explain the schedule you create for your child clearly.

Let your child take breaks

When you create your child's routine for homework time, add regular breaks. Frequent, short breaks where kids have time to get up and move (even if just for a few minutes) are ideal.

Kids with ADHD, especially those with primarily hyperactive/impulsive symptoms or combined type ADHD, might feel calmer after they're unseated for a little bit. Movement and breaks can aid focus and help kids feel less frustrated.

Try body doubling

Many people find body doubling valuable , especially with ADHD. If you're able to sit with your child during homework time, it can help them stay on-task. When you're next to your child during the homework process, it also gives you an opportunity to notice patterns. When do they start crying? What do they say when it happens?

Teach self-motivation

Motivation generally falls into two categories: Intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic means "internal," and extrinsic means "external."

If kids don't like school and don't see an immediate reward in doing homework, they might not feel internally motivated . External rewards like experiences (time to play outside when homework is complete, screen time, etc.), sticker charts , and small toys or objects can help.

Remind kids that once they're done with homework, it's all over for the night. It won’t last forever. While school is important, putting in effort at the right time means that homework will be out of the way. Many kids can learn to self-motivate from that perspective. 

Empower kids with problem-solving skills

Help children problem-solve when they run into a problem during the homework process. For example, let's say that a child is overwhelmed by a large school assignment. They have 20 questions to answer, and it feels impossible.

A parent can help their child problem-solve by showing them how to break the assignment down into smaller pieces. Think of it this way: If your goal is to clean the house and you decide to tackle one room at a time, it's less daunting than it would be to try to clean the whole house at once with no plan.

Additionally, let your child know they can always ask for help. Communicate that school is about learning, and they're not expected to be perfect or know the answer already. They're only expected to try and act honestly. Kids shouldn't worry if they don't know the answer or need more support. 

Create a positive learning environment at home

When your child's doing homework, what else is going on in the home? What does the environment look like? Look out for potential distractions, like television or video games playing in the background. 

Not only do kids with ADHD get distracted more readily than other kids, but if they hear or see something going on in the home that's more fun, they might feel left out and get upset.

Try to make homework time a soothing, positive experience. Stim toys, white noise (which can aid concentration, unlike louder or less "even" noises like the television), or turning lessons into a game can all be helpful.

Note : If your child's struggling with homework, try Joon. Joon is a to-do app for children with ADHD that doubles as a game. It encourages motivation, self-esteem, and task completion. With over 3.6k reviews, Joon is rated an average of 4.7 out of 5 stars in the App Store. 

Click here to try Joon for free.

Communicate with their teachers

As a parent, it's essential to have an open line of communication with your child's teacher. Tell their teacher what's going on during homework time and discuss how you can work together to address it. Ask the teacher what they recommend. Schools may be able to extend options your family will find helpful both for homework time and general academic success.

A 504 plan, which can provide various accommodations including differences in school assignments, can be valuable for some kids with ADHD.

Find out why

Find out why your child struggles with homework if possible. Every child will have a different battle or reason. However, discovering the underlying cause allows parents to address the problem directly.

What Causes Crying Over Homework Assignments?

Finding out why a child cries over homework will be a unique process for every child and parent. While reasons vary, there are some common triggers for kids who cry over homework. For one kid, it could be as simple as boredom, in which case, making homework assignments more fun or stimulating can help. Another child might be tired after school, which affects their mood. While it's not an extensive list, other kids might face causes such as:

Specific learning challenges

Some kids have trouble with school or homework assignments as a whole. Others might find trouble primarily with specific subjects. If a child struggles with math facts, for example, they might cry over a math worksheet. The same child might be okay with art or reading.

Some children find a particular subject more difficult without a learning disability. For others, diagnosable learning disabilities make at least some parts of school substantially harder.

If you notice signs of learning disabilities like dyscalculia, dyslexia, or dysgraphia, speak with a medical provider or school staff. 

ADHD symptoms

Trouble paying attention, urges to move around, difficulty engaging in activities quietly, and other ADHD symptoms can all make homework more difficult. Most of us don't like to do things that we find frustrating. If ADHD symptoms make homework frustrating for a child, it makes sense that they react emotionally.

Strategies we discussed, like turning homework into a game, letting a child know that homework will take a small chunk of their time and they don't have to think of it for the rest of the night once it's done, creating a routine, and adding breaks can all help.

Anxiety and stress

Some kids experience anxiety or stress surrounding homework. Homework anxiety may show up in kids who struggle with perfectionism and similar challenges. Again, teach kids that homework is an opportunity to practice and that the point of school is to learn - not to be perfect or know it all already! 

It is tough to see kids cry over homework. However, it's possible for parents to help their kids with homework skills. Understanding why your child cries over homework can be helpful. Kids might feel overwhelmed by the material, worry about getting the right answers, get distracted, or something else. Parents can use a number of strategies to help their children, such as creating a realistic routine, taking a short break, giving a child space when they're upset, and talking with a child's teacher to troubleshoot.

How Joon Can Help

Joon can help kids complete homework assignments and a range of other tasks. Parents sign up first and create a customized task list for their child. When children finish their tasks, also called quests, they get rewards that allow them to take care of a virtual pet.

90% of children who use Joon complete all of the tasks parents assign. Even better, the app is backed by teachers, child psychologists, and occupational therapists.

Click here to download the app.

Sarah Schulze MSN, APRN, CPNP

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Discover effective strategies and expert advice on parenting a child with ADHD and anxiety. From creating routines to fostering emotional well-being, learn how to navigate these challenges and support your child's development.

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clock This article was published more than  3 years ago

What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?

Q: Is there any way to get through to a 7-year-old in second grade that the amount of time she spends melting down and yelling about a simple school assignment that she could've mostly finished during class time and chose not to is longer than the amount of time it would take to do the assignment? We have never been super strict about homework, mostly because we thought it was inappropriate before, but now it's actually classwork and not homework, and her teachers are overall understanding. But occasionally, she needs to be able to accomplish some schoolwork without falling apart, right?

A: What a great question. Has there ever been a way to convince 7-year-olds that they have wasted their time screaming? In my time of working with families for about 20 years, as well as parenting three children, the answer is no, not really. The essence of what you want, which is what every parent wants, is for your child to understand your point of view, and hence, obey you without fits or questions. A wonderful dream, really. And I’m with you: It’s maddening to watch your child “waste” their time melting down when you know it is well within their power to just do the work. But we aren’t really talking about homework here. Allow me to explain.

How can I get my third-grader to focus on online school?

I don’t know whether this is a learning-at-home pandemic issue or whether your child is in school and this is spillover, but I can assure you either way: Your child is not making a conscious choice to melt down or be a quitter. I don’t know why, but your child is overwhelmed and needs support. It could be that she has an undiagnosed learning issue. It could be hunger. It could be a reaction to your pushing and pushing to complete the assignment. It could be that she’s bored and doesn’t want to revisit the material. I have no idea why your daughter is upset, but you need to reshape your goals.

To move forward, you have to admit that just because you now care about the schoolwork doesn’t mean your daughter does. To go from zero attention to now expecting enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be working, so stop expecting that from her.

We see that she’s resisting this, so get down to the why.

First, call the teacher and clarify what’s happening in school, as well as what the teacher expects. Ask if the teacher sees any executive functioning issues. Explain the behaviors you’re seeing at home, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Next, be sure that the timing of the classwork makes sense for your daughter. Has she had downtime? Is she fed? Has she moved her body?

Finally, call a mini-meeting with her, and set up a plan. Your ultimate goal isn’t to raise a child who completes classwork; your ultimate goal is to raise a child who enjoys learning and is motivated to do it. Let’s go slow and steady on this classwork issue; she’s only 7.

Step back and reassess. You’ll get there. Good luck.

Send questions about parenting to [email protected]

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Top 5 Homework Frustrations — and Fixes for Each

Kids with adhd often struggle with homework, but each one struggles in a unique way. is your child a disorganized danny procrastinating penny distractible daria whatever his specific homework challenges, here are equally specific solutions that really work for kids with adhd..

Tired of the Homework Wars?

If your child with ADHD hates doing homework, you’re not alone. Executive function deficits, inattention, and learning challenges can make after-school assignments torture for our kids — and us parents, too! Here, Ann Dolin, M.Ed, offers specific strategies that address the most common homework-related frustrations, like disorganization or procrastination. Does your child fit any of these common profiles?

Disorganized Danny

Many children with ADHD have difficulty with paper flow, meaning they have trouble keeping track of the assignments coming in and out. Let’s call this child “Disorganized Danny.” Dealing with a messy binder can be frustrating for parent and child alike — particularly when the homework is completed and then lost before being turned in!

Solutions for Disorganized Danny

The key is to treat organization like a subject . Instead of kicking off homework time with a math assignment or a vocabulary list, start by dedicating a few minutes to organization. Go through your child’s binder with him, sorting through papers and working together on some organizational strategies. If your child struggles to file papers in a 3-ring binder, for example, ask her if she’d like to try an accordion folder instead — and teach her how to use it properly.

[ Get This Free Download: IEPs vs. 504s ]

The Launching Pad

Use a launching pad to help Danny handle chaotic mornings. Each night, you have your child place everything for school — backpack, library books, sports equipment, etc. — in a box placed by the front door. The next morning, he has everything he needs — and can “launch” into the day in an organized fashion.

The "Clean Sweep"

Organization won’t work unless it’s practiced consistently. That means Danny should conduct a clean sweep once a week. Every Sunday evening for 20 minutes, your child sits and organizes her binder — while you sort through your purse or the junk drawer. Everybody does something to maintain organization, and your kid gets in the habit of keeping her school things tidy.

Procrastinating Penny

We often see a child’s tendency to put off homework assignments as a character flaw; we assume she “just doesn’t want to.” But in many cases the child wants to start — she just feels overwhelmed or underprepared. This child is Procrastinating Penny.

Solutions for Procrastinating Penny

To help children who procrastinate, first  lower the barrier to entry . Make starting homework so easy anyone can do it. Here are two main strategies:

1. By task : Pick one small task that your child can do to get started. If he’s been assigned an essay, have him start by writing the title page. If she’s been assigned a math worksheet with 20 problems, get her to complete the first two — then follow up with a short break.

2. By time : Some children need a timer. I find it’s best to use 10 minutes — I call it the “Tolerable 10.” Just tell your child, “Okay just focus as hard as you can, as best as you can, for just 10 minutes.” Once time is up, allow him to walk a lap around the living room or do a quick stretch.

Whether motivated by task or by time , your child will see that once the barrier to entry has been lowered, the job isn’t really that hard.

[ Get This Free Handout: Easy Accommodations for Kids with ADHD ]

Longer Projects

Procrastinating Penny often doesn’t know how much time to dedicate to a long-term assignment — and ends up doing the whole thing in a mad rush the night before it's due. As a parent, you need to help Penny understand time in a more concrete way. Try using a simple reward system to motivate your child to complete small parts of the project. For example, take a large Tootsie Roll and break it into four parts, and say to your child, “What are four things you need to do to get this project done?” Once she’s identified four reasonable steps, explain that you’ll reward her with one piece of the Tootsie Roll each time a step is completed. Remember, we’re not trying to bribe our kids. We just want to help them think in steps, which is super valuable for long-term projects.

Distractible Daria

Distractibility comes in two forms: We have our fidgeters, and we have our daydreamers. Fidgety kids are always moving — rocking back and forth in their chair, or repeatedly clicking their pen, or twisting their hair while doing homework. For parents or tutors helping them, this constant movement can become annoying and distracting. On the other end of the spectrum are the daydreamers , who tend to take a 15-minute assignment and drag it out to an hour or longer — simply because they’re unable to stay focused. They may start looking out the window, or doodling on the corner of the paper, instead of paying attention to the task at hand.

Helping a Fidgeter

Research shows that distractible kids need to fidget in order to focus; in other words, telling them to “sit still” is actually counterproductive. Instead, give them a fidget toy , which is a small handheld object that can be fidgeted with in a non-disruptive way. I like the Tangle Junior , but you can also use a stress ball, unfilled balloons, or a small strip of Velcro taped to the bottom of the desk — your child can rub her fingers on it while she works, without anyone else being any the wiser!

Helping a Daydreamer

Use a reminder system . Ask your child how many reminders she thinks she’ll need to finish an assignment — if she’s unsure, start with three. Then, it’s your job to stick to that number — no matter what. The first time, gently call her attention to her distraction and say, “You’re working on number 5 of your math worksheet right now.” Daria will start again, and the next time you see her drifting, try again: “This is your second reminder; I’m only going to give you one more.” If you see her drifting off again, “You just have two more problems! This is the last reminder I’m going to give you, so finish up as best you can.” This strategy takes the “nagging” element out of the equation, and makes your child aware of her own distractibility.

Setting a Stop Time

You can also help daydreamers by setting a stop time . This allows the child to see an end in sight, and structure her own time accordingly. Tell your child, “It’s 4:15. This assignment needs to be done by 4:45. I’ll give you three reminders like we discussed.” Then — and this is the key part — at 4:45, you need to make sure your child puts away the assignment — completed or not. Most kids really, really hate to go to school without their work done, and this strategy helps them manage their time and see that, even if the assignment is difficult, it’s not endless.

Rushing Ryan

Then there are the kids who speed wildly through their homework, just to get it done as fast as they can. Rushing Ryan does his homework very quickly, without regard for whether it’s right or if he's showcasing his best work. He just wants it done as quickly as possible.

Solutions for Rushing Ryan

With Ryan, use a designated homework time , which is based on the premise that children of each grade level should spend a certain amount of time on homework. A good rule of thumb is that children should be spending 10 minutes per grade level each night. So a 3rd grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, while a 6th grader can have up to 60. If your 3rd grader is miraculously completing all her homework in 3 minutes, she may be a whiz — or she may be rushing through it. Parents can say, “No matter how much homework you say you have, you have to sit and do homework for 30 minutes every night. If you really run out of things to do, you can read a book or practice your math facts.” In most cases, this set period of time really reduces rushing, because your child will know that no matter what, they won’t be able to get up and play Xbox after 3 minutes.

Frustrated Frank

Sometimes, homework upsets our children. Executive function deficits, learning disabilities, or difficult subjects can make children cry or lash out during homework time. When Frustrated Frank gets upset, his amygdala (the emotion center of the brain) is on fire, and it overrides his prefrontal cortex — making him less able to focus on homework or reason his way through problems.

Helping Frustrated Frank

When Frank gets frustrated, the best strategy is to disengage . Trying to reason with a child during a meltdown often doesn’t work; they’re too upset to listen to logic, and being told to “calm down” can be invalidating. If your child gets upset, say something like, “I can tell this is difficult for you. Come and get me when you’re ready to start again.” In many cases, your child will calm down on his own terms, and start again when he’s ready.

Practicing Empathy

If disengaging doesn’t work for your child, another strategy is to name the feeling . This is a way of practicing empathy that helps kids feel like they’re being heard. Say something like, “I can tell you’re frustrated. You know what? I completely understand why you’re angry.” Or, “You’re right, Ms. Smith gave you a lot of homework tonight. I can see why you feel that this is unfair.” Naming the feeling is really powerful for kids — it helps them understand their often-overwhelming emotions, and lets them know that their feelings and frustrations matter to you.

Moving Past Meltdowns

When it comes to helping Frank move forward after a setback, parents have three options to help : do the difficult problem for him (not good!), refuse to help entirely (also not good!), or ask him to show you how to do the problem (best choice!). Ask your child to search for similar examples in her textbook or notes, or talk through how she can proceed. By asking your child to work through the problem on her own — but in your presence — it gives her the independent skills to solve her own problems, without cutting her off completely.

Asking for Accommodations

If your child is still struggling to complete her homework even after trying these strategies for a month, consider asking for an accommodation for less homework.

P.S. A great tool for homework is the Time Timer , which helps kids that don’t quite understand clock time see how much time has elapsed and how much time they have left.

[ Take This Quiz: How Well Do You Know Special Ed Law? ]

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7 Reasons Your Child May Be Crying

It’s normal for children to cry, and it’s also normal for a parent to be frustrated by a child who sheds tears often. Particularly when you can’t figure out why your little one is crying.

Before your child learns how to talk, it can be tricky to determine the cause of your child's tears. Even when kids do start to verbalize, the reasons kids cry are not always rational—by adult standards anyway.

Verywell / Brianna Gilmartin

If you've ever had a child cry because the microwave "ate" their lunch, or had a tantrum get started after telling your child they can't eat dog food, you are not alone. Kids come up with some interesting reasons to cry. 

While it can sometimes be confounding, crying can also be healthy at any age. A 2011 study published in the Journal of Research and Personality found that there are many circumstances in which crying helps people feel better.  

Researchers discovered people feel better after crying if they have emotional support, if crying leads to a resolution or better understanding, or if they’re crying because of a positive event.

Your goal doesn’t always need to be to get your child to stop crying. Shedding a few tears can be good for kids (and grown-ups!). Before you decide what to do, ask, "Why is my child crying?" Identifying the source will help you provide the best response to the situation.

Here are a few of the most common reasons parents will find their child in tears, as well as some suggestions of how you can respond to each cause.

Your Child Is Overtired

When your child is having a meltdown because you gave them the wrong color bowl or you asked them to put on their shoes, too little sleep could be the true cause of their tears.

One of the most frequent reasons kids cry is because they’re overtired. Being unrested can lead to tantrums and other outbursts of seemingly irrational behavior.

You can’t prevent a child’s tantrum-inducing fatigue 100% of the time, but you can minimize it by keeping them on a routine sleep schedule .

Start by setting (and sticking to) an age-appropriate bedtime, then factor in daytime naps. You'll want to plan on two naps a day until your child is 15 to 18 months, then one nap a day until your child is about 3 or 4 years old .

An appropriate bedtime will depend on your child's age and what time they typically wake up in the morning. Most kids do well going to bed between 7 and 9 p.m.

Throughout the day, and especially if you notice them starting to get teary-eyed, look for the tell-tale signs of tiredness, such as rubbing their eyes, yawning, or looking a little glazed over in the eyes.

Depending on the time of day, if your child is on the brink of a tantrum but looks sleepy, it might be appropriate to put them down for a nap to help them regain control.

Your Child Is Hungry

Even adults get “hangry.” A toddler or young child will (probably) tell you when they want a snack—unless they are having too much fun playing. If a child is distracted and not communicating with you, it's much harder to tell that they're hungry.

Hunger might be the crying culprit if your little one just woke up from a nap, or if it’s been three to four hours since they last ate. If your child hasn’t eaten in a while and their mood is going downhill fast, try offering them a bite to eat. Keeping a few healthy snacks on-hand can quickly curb the tears when you’re away from the house.

Your Child Is Overstimulated

Exciting play places, like bounce houses or birthday parties, are just where a child wants to be. At some point, however, the hustle and bustle can become too much for some kids. It's not uncommon for a child to be unable to express what is wrong in these situations.

You might see tears when your child is overstimulated. If your little one is crying seemingly for no reason and you’re in a location that’s loud or busy, try giving them a break. Take them outside or to a quieter room and let them sit down for a few minutes to get their bearings.

For some kids, a break might not be enough. If your child is upset and not consoled or calmed, it might be best to take them home early.

Your Child Is Stressed

Stress is a big reason for tears, particularly in older children. As a parent who has to pay the bills and run a busy household, you might wonder what a child has to be stressed about.

The answer is, a lot of things! Kids who are overscheduled—perhaps going from soccer to piano to play practice to playdates—can become quite stressed. All kids need free time to play creatively , as well as to relax.

Kids can also become stressed from what’s going on around them, such as trouble in their parents’ marriage, a move or school change, or even events they overhear on the nightly news. A child might become uncharacteristically teary child if they're feeling the burden of stressful life events —even those that do not directly involve them.

Younger children who are stressed will need an adult's help in changing the environment. By helping them reduce stressful circumstances, you're also giving them a chance to learn to manage their emotions.

Older children can benefit from learning skills to manage stress. From deep breathing and meditation to exercise and leisure activities, healthy stress reduction activities will help your child gain control over their emotions.

Your Child Wants Attention

Sometimes it seems like the tears come out of nowhere. One minute your child is playing happily, you turn your back for a second, and they're sobbing.

Your child knows that crying is a great way to get your attention. Attention—even when it’s negative—reinforces a child's behavior. If you respond by saying “Stop screaming,” or “Why are you crying now?” it can actually encourage your child’s tantrums to continue.

Ignore attention-seeking behavior whenever possible. Avoid making eye contact and don’t start a conversation when your child is looking for your attention. Eventually, they'll see that it’s not fun to throw a tantrum or scream loudly when they do not have a captive audience.

Show your child that they can get your attention by playing nicely, using kind words, and following the rules. Offer frequent praise for these behaviors and your child will be less likely to try and use tears to capture your attention.

Give your child regular doses of positive attention . Set aside a few minutes every day to get down on the floor with them, play a game, or toss a ball back and forth. Your child will be less likely to cry for attention if you give them a few minutes to be in the spotlight every day.

Your Child Wants Something

Young kids don't understand the difference between wants and needs . When they want something, they often assert they need it—and right now. Whether they insist on playing with a breakable heirloom or want you to take them to the park, tears of disappointment and desperation are bound to happen.

If you give in after you said no—either because you feel guilty or you think you can’t stand to listen to more crying—you're teaching your child that they can use tears to manipulate you.

While it’s important to show empathy, don’t let your child's tears change your behavior. Say things like, “I understand you are feeling upset right now,” or “I feel sad we can’t go to the park too,” but reinforce that you’re a parent of your word.

Proactively teach your child socially appropriate ways to deal with their feelings when they aren't getting something what they want. Coloring a picture, saying, “I’m really sad,” or taking a few deep breaths are a few coping skills that might help them deal with uncomfortable emotions .

Your Child Wants to Escape a Demand

When your child really doesn’t want to do something—like put away their toys or get ready for bed—you may see the waterworks. These tears may stem from a child's genuine sadness, but they could also be a ploy. If your child gets you to engage with them, even if it’s just for a minute, they can put off doing something they don't want to do.

Validate your child’s feelings by saying, “I know it’s hard to pick up your toys when you want to keep playing.” At the same time, avoid getting into a lengthy discussion or a power struggle.

Offer one warning , if necessary, that outlines what consequences your child can expect if they do not comply. Try saying something like, “If you don’t pick up the toys right now, then you won’t be able to play with them after lunch.” If your child doesn’t comply, follow through with a consequence.

It’s important to teach your child that even though they feel sad or angry, they can still follow the rules. Each time your child gets upset over a demand you've made, it’s an opportunity to help them learn to take positive action even when they are feeling bad.

When to Seek Professional Help

If your child seems to cry more than you think is normal or cannot be consoled, talk to your pediatrician. In some cases, an underlying medical issue, like an undiagnosed ear infection that’s causing pain, can be the cause of a child's constant tears.

Once you know that everything is physically fine, you can work on reducing your child's crying together. Sometimes, the answer might be simple. When your child begins to cry—as they are bound to do every now and then—they may just need a little time to calm down.

If they are old enough to talk about what’s bothering them, take the time to have a conversation. Talk about how to solve the problem together. Even if you can't magically fix the cause, your child will appreciate that you’re there for comfort.

Bylsma L, Croon M, Vingerhoets A, et al. When and for whom does crying improve mood? A daily diary study of 1004 crying episodes.   Journal of Research in Personality.  August 2011; 45 (4): 385-392. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2011.04.007

U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. Ear Infections in Children.

Belden AC, Thomson NR, Luby JL.  Temper tantrums in healthy versus depressed and disruptive preschoolers: Defining tantrum behaviors associated with clinical problems .  The Journal of Pediatrics . 2008;152(1):117-122. doi:10.1016/j.jpeds.2007.06.030

Bylsma LM, Croon MA, Vingerhoets A, Rottenberg J.  When and for whom does crying improve mood? A daily diary study of 1004 crying episodes .  Journal of Research in Personality . 2011;45(4):385-392. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2011.04.007

Seattle Children’s Hospital. Crying Child: 3 Months and Older .

Zeifman D, St. James-Roberts I.  Parenting the crying infant .  Curr Opin Psychol . 2017;15:149-154. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.009

• The Center for Parenting Education:  Understanding Temperament: Emotional Sensitivity .

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, an international bestselling author of books on mental strength and host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time.

Here's Why Math is Making Your Child Cry and What You Can Do About It

Written by Kira Gavalakis

It’s understandable that we, as parents, don’t want to grade our kids harshly or give them criticism. We want them to be happy, and feel good about themselves, especially as a student. As a result, we may avoid chatting with our kids about their grades, or even simply brush it off as a bad teacher. But what’s actually happening is that we’re making math more difficult for our kids through our manifestation of denial.

To our kids, our denial might look like anger, frustration, or sadness, making those math tears come even quicker.

I’ll put it simply: math is making your child cry because we as parents are making it difficult.

I know, it’s probably a little hard to hear at first. But in this article, I’ll give you some steps on how you can alleviate those math tears and set your kid up for math success.

Passing vs. Getting the Right Answer

We all want our kids to do well. But in math, there’s a difference between doing well and actually understanding the concepts.

There are two real ways to look at how your child is learning math.

• Did they get the answer correct?
• Can they explain how they got that answer and how to apply it in real-world examples?

Typically, even if a child is getting #1, the tears are coming because #2 isn’t helping them get to the problem on their own. Since mathematics is very abstract, it can be tough to pin down the concepts that guide math exercises and problems. 

For instance, even if your child has memorized their multiplication tables, they may not really understand why 4x3 is 12. They’ve just memorized a series of numbers, so when they move onto the next lesson, they’re missing a fundamental understanding of why two numbers multiplied together equal their product. This can snowball, creating much bigger issues later on, sometimes even years into the future. 

So now, it’s back to us as parents. If we aren’t able to allow our children to make mistakes, get things wrong, and ask questions, they’ll never stop to ask for help. They’ll motor on through math classes, missing basic concepts, and struggling unnecessarily as a result. They’ll be so focused on impressing us, that the root of the mathematical problems will fly out the window, and you’ll both be wondering why math is so frustrating.

Looking at Math Differently As a Parent

When we’re not allowing our kids to fail because of our own fears, we’re sacrificing their learning process. It’s actually one of the reasons I created Elephant Learning; to provide kids with abstract problems put into real life terms and situations, and to give them the opportunity to be wrong.

What our platform does is give kids the opportunity to fail . Since a gamification platform doesn’t hold emotions, it won’t feel upset, angry, or guilty if a student gets a problem wrong. Instead, it’s trained to continue pushing concepts that kids are getting wrong more and more into their game, so they can keep practicing until they’re mastered.

Related: Emotion is Holding You Back as a Homeschooling Parent

When we as parents are too emotionally involved in our kid’s learning experience, we project our desire for them to be right so badly that we sacrifice their own ability to understand the process behind the math they’re doing.

So… how do we change this thought process?

First, we need to recognize that our fear of “wrong” is what’s making our children frustrated with math. We’re showing that getting an answer wrong and learning from it is worse than getting an answer right and not understanding it.

Next, we need to follow Thomas Edison’s words: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” This means looking at your children’s failures as practice rounds and learning opportunities, instead of letting it trigger your natural fear of your kid not understanding something. If you’re looking for your child to have big successes as Thomas Edison did, you have to allow those 10,000 mistakes, failures, and wrong answers without any hesitation. 

Kids especially have to be able to play with ideas in their heads, go through trial and error scenarios, and uncover different solutions without the fear of disappointing you. If we as parents are getting in the way of that, we’ll continue making learning math harder than it needs to be.

How to Look at Math Differently

A lot of parents want their kids to be able to ace a quiz or test, and may not bother checking that they fully understand the concepts at play. And ultimately, what we’re impressing on our children is our own fear of being wrong,  which in turn, will teach our kids to fear being wrong. We’re training them to fear “wrong” -ness more than a lack of understanding, to their long-term detriment.

How to Start Practicing This in Real Life

• The first thing you have to do is accept the reality of how your child is performing in math class, and say it out loud. “My child isn’t understanding the deeper meaning behind the math they’re learning in school.”
• Next, find a learning tool or an expert in this field like Elephant Learning that can help teach your child a deeper understanding of the concepts, instead of just getting the questions right.

If you decide to join us here at Elephant Learning, we start students older than 5 in a placement exam, which was designed to start behind your student and catch up to them. For example, if you chose the third-grade exam, we’re actually testing them on second-grade concepts like addition and subtraction to see if they’re even ready for third-grade material they’re being given in school. 

This way, you’ll get a good idea of what your child understands and what they don’t understand. Then, we’ll start building the language. Because even if they don’t understand the procedures and processes, they’ll understand the underlying concepts.

It’s important to view Elephant Learning as a tool, regardless of the other academic programs they’re utilizing (tutors, after-school programs, etc). ‍

The involvement on the parent’s part is minimal. And sometimes, that’s just what our kids need to turn tears into 10,000 successes.

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Why Your Homeschooler is Crying (And what to do about it)

Confession : Somebody cried in our homeschool this week and SPOILER ALERT :

it wasn’t me…this year 🙂

It wasn’t our preschooler.

And it wasn’t our kindergartener.

It was our 8-year-old.

Wait, Aren’t Tears a Sign of Homeschool Failure?

I used to think that.

The first time my daughter started to cry during a homeschool lesson, I thought, “Well, that’s it. I knew this homeschooling thing wasn’t going to work. She would never be crying in real school.”

It took a lot of effort and self-control on my part to learn how to handle tears and other signs of frustration.

I have come to realize that tears (and other strong emotions) are teaching moments and can be their own blessing in homeschooling

I’ll explain why it’s a blessing in a moment, but first let’s talk about…

Why Kids Don’t Cry in “Normal School”

You probably think that your homeschool is a failure because you don’t remember anybody crying in the school you grew up in.

There is a reason for that.

Traditional school is a completely different social atmosphere . It is not a safe place to express emotions.

Kids that cry are ridiculed and ostracized.

Emotions have to be stuffed down until the child is in a safe place to let them flow – usually when they get home.

Don’t believe me?

G0 ahead and ask your kid why they don’t cry at church, play dates, sports practices, or co-op classes.

I asked my kid that and she blurted, “Moooom, that would be sooooooo embarrassing!”

There you go.

Your kid cries at home because it is an acceptable, safe environment. Not because you are a terrible teacher. 

What to do when your homeschooler cries (or has an outburst)

Well obviously we don’t want our kids to be crying all day, so let’s talk about the steps to take when those emotional storms hit:

1. Pause School

Don’t cancel school for the day, but do take an immediate break.

If you try to continue pushing the grammar lesson or math problem, you are just going to exasperate the situation. More importantly, you dramatically increase the chances of YOU having an outburst.

That is a homeschool situation you want to avoid like the plague.

You need to remain calm and neutral at all times.

2. Find out why your homeschooler is crying

There are 5 main reasons I have found that cause my kids to have breakdowns during a lesson.

It is often NOT the reason they are saying they are crying.

It is really important for you to use the break to figure out what exactly the problem is, so that you can fix it.

• Low Blood Sugar:

Kids need to eat pretty regularly. It is very easy for moms to be buzzing around the schoolroom and bouncing between kids.

You don’t realize how much time has passed and how hangry your kids are becoming.

Or maybe you do realize how hungry they are, but you just want to finish one more lesson before stopping (guilty!).

Bad idea. Feed the people and that last lesson will go so much better.

• Lack of Sleep:

If your child had a bad night’s sleep or got to bed late, be gentle with them in the morning. They can still do school, but be understanding.

A combination of lack of sleep, and an accidentally missed snack break was actually the culprit that brought my daughter down this past week.

My husband was out of town, so there was no adult to tell me to put the kids to bed. We stayed up way too late playing card games and eating fudgesicles.

Anyhow, I didn’t realize how much that late-night affected my little 3rd grader. Once we paused school, had a snack, and played a game of Uno to lift her spirits – she was right back at it and finished the day with flying colors.

• Just Need a Break/Overwhelmed :

As homeschool parents, we may have our eye on the prize and get really focused on checking things off our list. We may inadvertently push our kids too hard and they start to become overwhelmed.

You might also have a kid that is super motivated and wants to plow through the day as fast as possible. Initiative is good, but their minds still need pit stops to perform at their best.

Regular 15 minutes breaks are a great thing for kids to look forward to and depend on. Encourage your kids to move around and play during these breaks – not just watch a screen.

Gross motor movement is a huge help to get their brain back in gear for the next set of lessons.

• Development Not Matching Expectations:

This is a tough one and can be difficult to pinpoint.

My daughter cried way too much in our first year of homeschooling because I just didn’t realize she was not ready to learn math facts.

Her brain would just not bend that way. I had to back off.

Fast forward to this week, and she just easily completed a math fact exercise I gave her – 97/98 problems correct! And she even smiled when it was done!

If you think this is the issue for your child, start reaching out and researching other options for what your child is struggling with.

Continuing to force your kid to do something he can’t developmentally do – whether it’s early reading, math facts, writing skills, memorizing, etc. – can have far-reaching effects down the road.

• Teacher/Parent Conflict:

This is oh so common, so don’t feel bad about it.

The issue is that you have to parent your kids while also teaching them.

It is really rough on your kid to receive a consequence for poor choices, and then have to sit down with the same person who handed out the consequence and do a lesson.

If you think this is going to be a hurdle for your homeschool – please, please, please read “ How to Reset Your Homeschool Day ” It speaks very specifically to this issue.

Why Homeschool Tears are a Blessing

Please don’t miss the hidden gem here.

If your child is tired, hungry, needs an extra break from lessons, or is struggling to complete a lesson in “normal” school…what do you think is going to happen?

Will the teacher bring out a snack tray? Tell the class to take a break because Johnny needs one? Offer a cot for a nap? Adjust the curriculum requirements to your child?

Um, nope. Teachers can’t customize their classrooms to your student.

But your homeschool can!

When your homeschooler cries, know that you have a unique chance to meet them where they’re at and help them work through their struggle.

You have also provided a one on one situation where it is safe for your child to cry and express how they feel (something they would probably stuff down at school to avoid ridicule from their peers).

Even the teacher/parent conflict has become a blessing to us. My daughter and I are so much closer after taking the time to really talk through certain issues and understand each other better.

If she were in school, those talks wouldn’t have happened, and I know we would not be nearly as close.

Recap Why Your Homeschooler is Crying

So if the emotions start flowing – Pause , Find the problem, and Take joy in being the one to solve it!

No longer allow yourself to feel like a failure because your child is working through something.

You are the solution – not the problem!

If you are looking for more encouragement on your homeschool journey, subscribe to The Simple Homeschooler (no spam, unsubscribe anytime) today!

You will receive Monday morning emails full of homeschool tips, support, blog updates, and laughs that will start your week off with awesome!

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Does not work for a 4 year old. I keep asking her, “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Why are you crying?” and she literally cannot explain why. I think she’s frustrated that she can’t do it or that she will get in trouble if she makes a mistake. I have explained over and over that it’s ok to have mistakes, that she won’t get in trouble. I’ve aknowledged her feelings saying it’s hard to learn new things and sometimes scary. It makes no difference what I say or how i say it. We have a melt down everytime no matter what when I teach her anything new.

Shannon, Thanks for dropping a comment. I agree with you that this would be very difficult to do with a 4 year old. In my experience of homeschooling, I have found formal school work to be ineffective and even damaging during the preschool years. There are exceptions if a kid has a strong desire to learn. I write extensively about this in “Why I Quit Homeschool Preschool.” There are research articles listed there about early learning and updates about my own children who have soared academically after being allowed to just play during their early years of school.There was a reason school used to *start* with 1st grade, but now kids have to endure Kindergarten, Pre-K, and preschool. https://www.thesimplehomeschooler.com/why-i-quit-homeschool-preschool-and-what-i-do-instead/

I would agree. The issue might actually be “Development Not Matching Expectations,” meaning we think because our child is 4, they should be able to handle preschool curriculum. If school is making my child cry every day, I would back off and reevaluate. Is it the curriculum style? Is it that my child really isn’t ready for school? Am I expecting too much of my child?

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

By janet lehman, msw.

For many parents, getting their kids to do their homework is a nightly struggle. Some kids refuse to do their homework. Others claim that they don’t have homework, but then the report card comes out, and you realize that their work was not being done.

So why is homework time so difficult? In my opinion, one of the major reasons is that it’s hard for kids to focus at home. Look at it this way: when your child is in school, they’re in a classroom where there aren’t a lot of distractions. The learning is structured and organized, and all the students are focusing on the same thing.

But when your child comes home, their brain clicks over to “free time” mode. In their mind, home is a place to relax, have a snack, listen to music, and play video games. Kids simply don’t view the home as the place to do schoolwork.

If the homework struggles you experience are part of a larger pattern of acting out behavior, then the child is resisting to get power over you. They intend to do what they want to do when they want to do it, and homework just becomes another battlefield. And, as on any other battlefield, parents can use tactics that succeed or tactics that fail.

Regardless of why your child won’t do their homework, know that fighting over it is a losing proposition for both of you. You will end up frustrated, angry, and exhausted, and your child will have found yet another way to push your buttons. And, even worse, they will wind up hating school and hating learning.

A major part of getting your child to do their homework lies in establishing a system so that your child comes to see that homework is just a regular part of home life. Once they accept that, you’ve already won half the battle. Accordingly, my first few tips are around setting up this system. If you get the system right, things tend to fall into place.

Put this system in place with your child at a time when things are calm and going well rather than during the heat of an argument. Tell your child that you’re going to try something different starting next week with homework that will make it go better for everyone. Then explain the system.

You’ll find that this system will make your life easier as a parent, will make you more effective as a parent, and will help your child to get the work done. And when your child gets their work done, they’re more likely to succeed, and nothing drives motivation more than success.

Structure the Evening for Homework

When your kids come home, there should be a structure and a schedule set up each night. I recommend that you write this up and post it on the refrigerator or in some central location in the house. Kids need to know that there is a time to eat, a time to do homework, and also that there is free time. And remember, free time starts after homework is done.

Homework time should be a quiet time in your whole house. Siblings shouldn’t be in the next room watching TV or playing video games. The whole idea is to eliminate distractions. The message to your child is, “You’re not going to do anything anyway, so you might as well do your homework.”

Even if your child doesn’t have homework some nights, homework time should still mean no phone and no electronics. Instead, your child can read a book or a magazine in their room or work on longer-term assignments. Consistently adhering to the homework time structure is important to instill the homework habit.

Start the Evening Homework Habit When Your Kids are Young

If your children are younger and they don’t get homework yet, set aside quiet time each evening where your child can read or do some type of learning. Doing so will help children understand that evening quiet and study time is a part of everyday home life, just like chores. This habit will pay off when the real homework begins.

Use a Public Place for Homework

For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake. Many children need your presence to stay focused and disciplined. And they need to be away from the stuff in their rooms that can distract them.

You know your child best. If you think they’re not being productive in their room, then insist they work at the kitchen table or in some other room where you can monitor them and where there will be fewer distractions.

If they do homework in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around. Take the phone and laptop away and eliminate electronics from the room during study time. In short, you want to get rid of all the temptations and distractions.

Give Breaks During Homework Time

Many kids get tired halfway through homework time, and that’s when they start acting up. If your child is doing an hour of homework, have them take a 5-minute break every half-hour so that they can get up, have a snack, and stretch their legs. But don’t allow electronics during the break—electronics are just too distracting.

Monitor the break and ensure that your child gets back to work promptly.

Be sure to encourage your child when they’re discouraged. It’s okay to say things like:

“I know it’s a drag, but think of this—when you get your work done, the rest of the night is yours.”

“Look, if you do your work all week, you’ll have the whole weekend to do what you want.”

Show your child empathy—how many of us truly enjoyed homework every night? It’s work, pure and simple. But your child will be encouraged when they begin to have success with their work.

Help Your Child Get Started With Their Homework

Some kids have a hard time getting assignments started. They may be overwhelmed or unsure where to begin. Or the work may seem too difficult.

There’s a concept I explain in The Total Transformation® child behavior program called hurdle help . If you have a child who has a hard time getting started, spend the first five minutes with them to get them over the first couple of hurdles. Perhaps help them with the first math problem or make sure they understand the assignment.

For many kids who are slow starters, hurdle help is very effective. This doesn’t mean you are doing their homework for them—this is simply extra help designed to get them going on their own.

Help Your Child Manage Long-Term Assignments

If your child has a big, long-term project, then you want to work with them to estimate how much time it’s going to take. Then your child has to work within that time frame. So if your child has a science project, help them manage and structure their time. For instance, if the project is due in 30 days, ask them:

“How much time are you going to spend on it each night?”

They might say, “15 minutes a night,” and you hold them to that.

Don’t assume that your child knows how to manage their time effectively. As adults, we sometimes take for granted the habits we have spent a lifetime developing and forget that our kids are not there yet.

Make Sunday Night a School Night

The way that I structure the weekend is that Sunday night is a school night, not Friday. So if your child has homework for the weekend, and as long as they’re done all their work for the past week, they get Friday and Saturday night off and can do their homework on Sunday night.

If there’s a project or something big to do over the weekend, then work with your child to budget their time. They may have to put some time in on Saturday or Sunday during the day. But other than that, your child should have the weekend off too, just like adults do.

The Weekend Doesn’t Begin Until Overdue Work Is Done

If your child has overdue homework, their weekend shouldn’t begin until those assignments are done. In other words, Friday night is a homework night if their week’s work is not complete.

Believe me, this is a highly effective consequence for kids because it creates a great incentive to get their work done. Indeed, each minute they’re doing homework is a minute they could be hanging out with friends or playing video games.

If you can hold to this rule once and deal with the complaining, then next week the homework will be done.

By the way, if they say they can’t do their homework because they didn’t bring their school books home, they should be grounded for the weekend. You can say:

“I don’t want to hear that you can’t do it because you don’t have your books. You’d better call around and find a friend who you can borrow them from. Otherwise, you’ll be staying in this weekend.”

Make Homework a Higher Priority Than Activities

Kids are involved in a lot of after school activities these days. I understand that. But my priority has always been “homework comes first.”

In my opinion, if the homework isn’t done on Monday, then your child shouldn’t go to football on Tuesday. It’s fine if he misses a practice or two. You can say:

“Here’s the deal. We’re not going to football today. You need to get your work done first.”

If your child says, “Well, if I miss a practice, I’m going to get thrown off the team,” You can say:

“Well, then make sure your work is complete. Otherwise, you’re not going to practice. That’s all there is to it.”

I personally don’t put football, soccer, or any other extracurricular activities above homework and home responsibilities. I don’t believe parents should be going from soccer to karate to basketball with their kids while homework and school responsibilities are being neglected.

Use Rewards for Schoolwork, Not Bribes

Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. Nevertheless, it’s important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering an incentive for getting good grades. For instance, my son knew that he would get a certain reward for his performance if he got all B’s or above. The reward was an incentive to do well.

One of the shortcuts we take as parents is to bribe our kids rather than rewarding them for performance. It can be a subtle difference. A reward is something that is given after an achievement. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with them over something that is already a responsibility.

If you bribe your child to do their homework or to do anything else that is an expected responsibility, then your child will come to expect something extra just for behaving appropriately. Bribes undermine your parental authority as kids learn that they can get things from you by threatening bad behavior. Bribes put your child in charge of you.

The appropriate parental response to not meeting a responsibility is a consequence, not a bribe. A bribe says, “If you do your homework, I will extend your curfew by an hour.” In contrast, a consequence says, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re grounded until it’s finished.” Never bribe your kids to do what they’re expected to do.

Use Effective Consequences

When giving consequences, be sure they’re effective consequences. What makes an effective consequence? An effective consequence motivates your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be successful.

An effective consequence looks like this:

“If you fall below a B average, then you can no longer study in your room and must study at the kitchen table until you get your average back to a B.”

For the child who prefers to study in their room, this is an effective consequence.

Another effective consequence would be the following:

“If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.”

And the next day, your child gets to try again to earn the privilege of electronics. Short-term consequences like this are very effective. Just don’t take away this privilege for more than a day as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.

For more on consequences, read the article on how to give effective consequences to your child .

Be Prepared to Let Your Child Fail

Failure should be an option, and sometimes you just have to let your child fail . Parents often do their kids a disservice when they shield them from the consequences of their actions. If your child chooses not to study enough and they get a failing grade, that’s the natural consequence for their behavior. And they should experience the discomfort that results from their behavior.

Let me be clear. If you interfere and try to get your child’s teacher to change their grade, your child will learn the wrong lesson. Your child will learn that if they screw up enough, Mom and Dad will take care of them. And they don’t learn their math or science or whatever it is they failed.

To be sure, failing is a hard lesson, but it’s the right lesson when your child fails. And it’s not the end of the world. In fact, for many kids, it’s what turns them around.

Don’t Fight with Your Child Over Homework

Don’t get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don’t do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child:

“Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.”

Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. Again, it’s important not to get sucked into fights with your child. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. If your child refuses to do his or her work, then calmly give the consequence that you established for not doing homework.

Also, trying to convince your child that grades are important is a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do. The truth is, they don’t typically think that way. To get your child to do homework, focus on their behavior, not their motivation. Rather than giving a lecture, just maintain the system that enables them to get their work done. Often, the motivation comes after the child has had a taste of success, and this system sets them up for that success.

Stay Calm When Helping Your Child With Their Homework

It’s important to be calm when helping your child with their homework. Don’t argue about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and won’t help them get the work done. It’s better to walk away than it is to engage in an argument, even when you’re just trying to be helpful.

For couples, it may be that one of you is more patient and acceptable to your child. Let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. And don’t take it personally if it isn’t you.

Remember, if you can’t stay calm when helping your child, or if you find that your help is making the situation worse, then it’s better not to help at all. Find someone else or talk to the teacher about how your child can get the help they need. And try not to blame your child for the frustration that you feel.

It’s Your Child’s Homework, Not Yours

Remember that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself; your job is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s job to do their assignments. And it’s the teacher’s job to grade them.

Know the Teachers and the Assignments

Build good relationships with your child’s teachers. Meet with the teachers at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationships with your child’s teachers will pay off if your child begins to have problems.

And if your child does have problems, then communicate with their teachers weekly. If they’re not handing in their work on time, ask the teachers to send you any assignments that they didn’t get done each week. Many schools have assignments available online, which is a big help for parents. Just don’t rely on your child to give you accurate information. Find out for yourself.

The bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work, and you can only do that if you know what the work is. If you keep yourself informed, then you won’t be surprised when report cards come out.

Work with your child on a system to keep track of assignments. I recommend an old-fashioned paper calendar simply because we already have too many distracting electronics in our lives—experiment and use what works best for your child.

Finally, try to see your child’s teachers as your allies. In my experience, most teachers are dedicated and caring, but I realize that this isn’t always the case. So, for your child’s sake, do your best to find a way to work with their teachers.

If You Think Your Child Might Have a Learning Disability

Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may struggle. If your child is having an especially hard time, talk with their teacher. Ask if it’s typical for your child to be struggling in this area.

In some cases, the teacher may recommend testing to see if your child has a learning disability. While this can be hard to hear as a parent, it’s important to find out so that you can make the necessary adjustments.

If it turns out that your child does have a learning disability, then you want to get an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) set up with the school.

Most kids don’t enjoy homework, and for some, it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders.

I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It was overwhelming at times. Often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed.

Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work feel unending at times. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility. But even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives, and our expectations to make sure our son did his homework as expected.

Life would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down, and dug into their homework without being asked. This is hardly the case, though. Therefore, you need to set up a system that is right for your child, and it’s going to be easier for some kids than for others.

We’re trying to raise our kids to be responsible and accountable for their homework. And we’re trying to avoid fighting with them over it every night. When I had parents in my office, I would take these concepts and show them how they could make it work for their families in their own homes. The families I worked with were able to turn the nightly homework struggle around successfully time and time again.

Related content: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program , The Complete Guide To Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ .

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Hello, my grandson recently moved with me from another state. He is currently in 8th grade (but should be in 9th). He basically failed the last 2 years and was promoted. I would say he is at a 6th grade level. It's a daily fight with him to do his homework. He won't even try. I know a lot of this is because no one has ever made him do his homework before. I thought he would just have to get in a routine of doing it. He's been in school for a month now and its a fight every single day after school. I have lost all the patience I had. I am tired of being a broken record and being the "bad guy". I don't want to give up on him and send him back to his mom, where I know he will never graduate. I have made so many sacrifices to get him here, but I am literally at my wits end with this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

My rule is homework after school. If he comes home and does his homework after school, it was easier for him to complete. That lasted a week and a half. Now, he just sits there and does nothing. Does anyone have any suggestions? I couldn't live with myself if I sent him back and he became nothing but a drop out. I know I am not one to have patience, and I am trying but at the same time, I am almost over it. I don't like going to bed crying and knowing that he is crying too. I am open to all suggestions. Please and thank you.

I'm so sorry you are facing these struggles with your grandson. We here from many caregivers in similar situations, so you're not alone in your frustration. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for managing these homework struggles, which can be found here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/school-homework/

We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

Jessicar Thank you for this article and strategies. I echo many of the frustrations expressed by other parents here, including my opinion (as an educator) that homework should not exist. I agree that teachers and parents are in a struggle about which adult is responsible for supporting the child in getting More homework done. The best thing for my son was a free "homework club" in fourth and fifth grade where a teacher monitored completion of homework. He has nothing like this in middle school so far. Where I really disagree with the article is about extracurricular activities. Kids need physical activity through sports! They need enrichment beyond academics through the arts, theater, music. Many families send their children to religious, language, and/or cultural programs after school. If I sat in school all day, I'd want to move my body and interact with others too. The solution is not removing extracurricular activities that are healthy or motivating or valued. The solution is for schools to limit homework. Given that there is still homework as a reality--I'd like advice on when to have child do homework AFTER sports or extracurricular activity. When is the best time for homework if the goal is to go to bed on time (in my house in bed around 9 pm)? Between extracurricular and dinner--when the kid is tired? After dinner? My child is in 7th grade and I still can't figure it out. What do others do/think?

I found school to be extremely boring, as a teen. Looking back I realize that I hadn't found the work challenging enough. Personally, I struggled with this all through high school. I was completely disinterested in school, as a result.

I noticed that there wasn't a section addressing situations where children, who are motivated by challenges, do poorly as a result of boredom.

I enjoy reading many of the articles; even those which don't necessarily apply to my current situations with my child. One never knows what obstacles or challenges one may come across. Thank you

Here's what I know. Correcting our children when their behavior is displeasing is what most parents focus on. Without a lot of explanation I'm going to try to get you to change your focus. All children have 4 emotional needs:

1. A sense of belonging

2. A sense of personal power

3. To be heard and understood

4. Limits and boundaries

Rather than focus on your child's behavior, focus on meeting these needs. Meet the needs, change the behavior. There a 25 ways to meet these needs. One of the most effective is to spend regular one-on-one time with your child doing what your child wants to do. How do you spell love? T-I-M-E. It seems counter-intuitive, but just try it for a week. Do this for 1/2 hour every day for a week. See what happens.

Frustrated Confused Parent, I went through similar challenges with my son when he was in high school. As a grade school student his grades were always B and higher. The changes began when his mother and I separated; my son was 12yo. Prior to our separation I was the one who maintained, and enforced the habit of completing his assignments before extracurricular activities could be enjoyed. His mother never felt she had the patience or intelligence to assist him with his homework assignments and upon our separation she completely ignored his school work. Although he continued to follow the structure I had established through grade school, he soon began to realize that no one was showing interest any longer and, thus, began shirking school related responsibilities. My son and I were, and still are, close. I am certain that the separation likely had some affect on him, but it was more than that. He was reaching his teens and becoming more self-aware. Friends began to play a more integral and influential part in his life. Unfortunately my son's grades began slipping as he reached his early teens. For me, this was extremely frustrating since I was aware of how intelligent he was and of what he was capable. After many aggravating, lengthy, heated, and unyielding conversations with his mother about maintaining the structure established through grade school, it became clear she was incapable or simply unwilling. Essentially, he was on his own. Of course I would do whatever I could to help. For starters, I facilitated a transfer to a Charter School, realizing that he needed more individualized attention than that which a public school could provide. It seemed as though he was getting 'lost in the shuffle'.

Unfortunately the damage had already been done. After two years under his mother's lack of tutelage my son had developed some poor habits.

He struggled with maintaining good grades throughout his high school career. By 'maintaining good grades' I mean that he would take a grading of 45 in math and bring it to a 70 within three weeks of the end of a marking period. He ALWAYS passed, though. He would somehow get his grades to or even above passing by the end of the period. As I began to see this, I began to have more faith knowing that when the going got tough he would step up and take charge. It also indicated that he did well with what might perceive as an impossible goal. So, I started to have faith that he'd find his way.

He has since graduated, he has a good-paying job, and he is beginning school to become an electrician within the next month or so. In two weeks he moves into his own apartment, also. He's never done drugs, never drank alcohol, and never started smoking cigarettes. All of which I have done as a teen and well into my adult years. I am in recovery. My son is aware of my own struggles. Most importantly, I believe, is that he has a complete understanding that we all struggle in our own ways. Working through the difficulties, challenges, and obstacles are what makes us stronger and it's our compassion for others, and ourselves, which help us grow into decent adults.

I came to realize that the 'grades' he received in school had nothing to do with the amazing adult he's become; it was literally everything else.

NanaRound2 My 6 year old grandson has just taken 2 hours to write a list and write 3 sentences. He thinks if the words were shorter it wouldn't take so long. Already went through this with his dad. I celebrated more than he did when he graduated. Can't drag More another kid through school. Losing my mind and like the previous comment have tried EVERYTHING.

Yeah -been there, done that. Doesn't work. At least not for my child. I've read every *actual* parenting book out there ( You know, the books publishes by Harvard & Stanford professors who've been studying parenting and child psychology for the past 30 years?) ... and you're all missing something - because I've tried it all.

My kid DGAF. This was almost painful to read. "oh, yup - tried that one. That one too. Oh, hey - I've tried that as well."

This is so frustrating; tell me something I haven't already tried 50 times.

Psych Fan I'm with you my sophomore son DGAF . I tried so much stuff even set time stuff and he just doesn't go get his work out. He's 5'9 so I am 5'1 and I can't move him to do stuff . All he does is debate with me that More Grades really don't matter that he's like I'm just going to get D's because I'm not going to care to do better because I do not like school. He doesn't understand why I don't approve of D grades because I know he has better potential but he's like D grades I will pass and get my diploma .

The first thing on the list is to try and stay calm. While doing homework with my children I'm usually very calm. When I do get frustrated I'll leave the room for a moment, wash my face, and take a few deep breaths until I calm down. Or I'll make hot chocolate to help calm my nerves. It's not a perfect system, but what is?

Number two is to set clear expectations around homework time and responsibilities. We have a standard homework time at our house, with a timer and everything. If our kids meet the homework time goal they'll be rewarded later in the evening with family time. Each of our kids know their roles and responsibilities in the house whether the work gets done before dinner or not.

Number three is a relationship with the teachers, each of whom e-mail us, some two or three times a day. Contact with them has never been better. They're teachers are all pretty awesome too.

Number Four, play the parental role most useful to your child...I have three kids. One needs no help at all, one needs minor help and advisement, while the third requires constant supervision or their e-mail might 'accidentally' open up. This we've provided through double teaming. One parent works with them until the other gets home, then they switch while the other goes to make dinner.

Five, keep activities similar with all your kids. We all live on the same schedule, if one of them finishes homework early they get the reward of extra quiet reading time-my kids are ALL book worms.

Six, Set up a structured time and place for homework. Done. Homework table with a supplies basket right in the middle of the room. Big enough for all of them to work at and then some, it's an octagonal table which my husband built. I also always have their 'homework snacks' waiting for them when they get home, and I usually try to make it healthy-even if they don't realize it.

Seven, start early. My kids have been doing 'homework' with me since they were babies, and (as I pointed out to them yesterday) they loved it. We'd learn about cooking, dinosaurs, amphibians, insects, math, English, chemistry, even the periodic table came up. We'd do work pages every day and they'd love it.

Eight, hurdle help, works in area's like math, but not so much with history or English when the problems aren't as straight forward. But we do use this method where it applies.

Nine, choose the best person for the job. I'm best at English and my husband at math. When I get stuck on math I know who to go to, and I'll even study in my spare time to get better at it so I can be more useful in case he has to work late. That being said, we both devote a lot of our time to helping our kids with their homework.

Ten, show empathy and support. Done, not only can I relate to my kids, but I've pointed out that not getting their work done will make them feel bad bad enough, and that that's why we should work on getting it done together, so they have something to be proud of.

Use positive reinforcement and incentives. :) There was this one time I sat my son down at a table with a work book about 400 pages long. He was young, not even in school yet. Next to the book I placed a giant bag of M&Ms. I told him for every page he got done, he could have one m&m. About ten minutes later he finished the workbook and grinned up at me. When I found out he'd finished the book, I quickly checked it to see if it was done well, and then pushed the bag of M&M's towards him and told him he could just have it...Now they get rewarded in video games and computer time...

It seems that according to this article I'm doing everything right...So why is my child still struggling with homework/classwork? They've literally just refused to do it. Have seriously just sat in their chair without saying a word and stared at the table, or desk, or screen- as the majority of work is now done on computers...I'll sit with them, ask them if they need help, try to help them with problems. They will tell me the right answer to the questions being asked and then refuse to write it down. I feel like I've done everything I can as a parent to help them, but despite all my efforts, it isn't working. So...when all of these things fail, when a parent has done everything right, and there is nothing more they can do short of taking the pen or pencil into their own hands and doing it themselves, (but that would be cheating their child out of an education) what then should the parents do?

When our kids don't get their homework done before dinner, they're sent down the hall where it's quiet so they can finish it at the desk there, while the other kids have family time. They are told to come and get us if they really need help after that. But at this point it's like ostracizing our child for not doing homework.

I agree with most of what's on this page, and our family lifestyle reflects that, but I will disagree with one thing it said. It is our job to help our kids and be supportive of them yes, to nurture them and help them get the skills they need to take care of themselves and their home when they're older...but it is not our job to do the teachers work for them, they get paid for that. Some days it seems like that's what's expected of parents. Some even send home classwork if the kids don't finish it in class. Which means the child now has even more work to do on top of their homework. Though I understand that the teachers want the child to finish the lesson, and were the homework not a factor I probably wouldn't mind it as much. I don't even mind them sending home study guides to help kids before tests (Which is what homework was originally) but to send home overwhelming piles of work each night for parents to help kids with, (Each child with different homework so that parents need to bounce from history, to math to English) it's unreasonable. When teachers send home homework, they're dictating what the parents can do with the little time they have with their child. Which is wrong. We once had to cancel a trip to a science museum because our child had too much homework to finish and there was no way to make it in time and get their homework done. They could have had an amazing educational experience which would overall help them get excited about learning with new and fun tactile experiences, but their schedule (and therefore our schedule) was being dictated by the teacher while they weren't even in class. Of course I try not to talk bad about homework in front of my children, because that would make it even more difficult to get them to do it. But children NEED family time, they NEED to be kids. To be allowed to get away from their work and be themselves, to go outside and play with their friends, or even go out to dinner once in a while with their parents. Homework has made it difficult to grow a relationship with our children beyond the confines of what the teachers are dictating. It's violating in some ways and frustrating in others. It's grown into this monstrous thing which it was never meant to become, and the funny part about it is that most studies done on it show that schools who don't have homework have higher test scores and graduation rates. Not to mention better mental health rates. Studies also show, that after a child is taught something, they'll only really learn it after a good nights sleep, and that no amount of homework will change that. Sleep is what our bodies need to absorb important information we learn throughout the day, so staying up late with homework might even be harmful to a child's education...

Sorry I guess that turned into a bit of a rant...In the end I was hoping to find something useful in this article, something I hadn't tried that might work, but I've done it all, and will probably continue to do all of it in hopes that consistency might be the key...It's just that even after years of already doing All of this consistently, it's still not working. It's as if my child has made a conscious decision Not to work. He's not unintelligent, he understands it, he's even been tested and found to have an above average ability to learn. He just not doing it..So what now? What more can I do to actually inspire him to do the work?

AshumSmashum Out of all of this, most of which I've read and tried a billion times, your comment hit deeper. My son scores in the 99% on tests but cannot sit down and do the simplest homework. He does have autism and adhd so when he freezes up on homework, despite More knowing it, I'm lost at how to help him get it done. He knows the work so why does he need to show it with 20 math problems after school that take forever to complete one? (whatever honors algebra stuff he's in, I was lucky to learn division lol) He has a high IQ and excels in all subjects and yet is being tutored, so far, in English just to get the work done. I'm so done with the emotional toll it takes on me and him at home. Nobody wants to go to work for 8 hours and come home and do the same for another 5 so why do we think our kids want to come home and do more classwork? I'm so appreciative of your comment!

JC Hi Barb, thank you for bringing this up! My son sounds a lot like you...and he really wants to get good grades and go to an Ivy League school. What could someone do to help an 8th grader in the moment of struggle, while making sure they don't get more More anxious from falling behind for the rest of the year?

Tb Hi Barb, I'm the parent of an 8th grader and I want to thank you for the comment you left here. You helped me look at the deeper issues and I really appreciate that. I'm going to approach the conversation with my son differently, thanks to you. Thank More you!

My 11 year old daughter, Alice, has always helped her 7 year old sister, Chole, with homework. But just recently Alice has been giving Chole the wrong answers. We have been trying to get her to give Chole the correct answers

but she always yells at us. She has a baby sister 2 months named Ray and ever since Ray was born she has been giving Chole wrong answers. I once overheard her and Kevin, my husband, talking about how she felt left out. She came and talked to me and said exactly what she had told Kevin. She also told me she has been getting bad grades and doesn't get her homework. Me and Alice talked and she said "All the cool New York girls get straight A's and ever since I started getting D's and F's they said I wasn't cool anymore." We started having her grandparents come over and she would yell, hit, scream, and talk back to them. She is a great student but she spends all of her time on her phone. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even at school she is on her phone. All I'm asking is that 1. How do I make her stop screaming, yelling, hitting, and back talking? 2. How do I make her feel cool and get A's again?and 3. How do I get her off her phone?

sounds like you have a number of concerns around your daughter’s behavior, and

it certainly can feel overwhelming. We would suggest https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/ and focusing on just one or two of the most serious, to get

started. Behaviors like verbal or physical abuse would be of top priority,

while behaviors like https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-walk-away-from-a-fight-with-your-child-why-its-harder-than-you-think/ we would recommend ignoring, and not giving it any power or control.

Empowering Parents author Sara Bean offers some great insight into the reason

for poor child behavior in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/.It sounds like your daughter is struggling to

find more effective ways to solve the problems she is facing, and the result is

the acting out behavior. Keep in mind, you can’t make your daughter do anything, but what you can do is help her to

learn better tools to solve whatever problems may come her way. Best of luck to

you and your family as you continue to work on this.

Emma Reed Alice also swears at school and she swears to teachers. Please we have tried everything, even her sister at age 18. What have we done wrong?

Being away from loved ones when they are struggling can be

distressing. It may help to know that it’s not unusual to see changes in

behavior as kids move from the tweens into adolescence, as Janet Lehman

explains in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/adolescent-behavior-changes-is-your-child-embarrassed-by-you/. Normally responsible

kids can start to push back against meeting expectations and disrespect towards

parents and other authority figures can become quite common. The behavior you

describe isn’t OK; it is normal though. I can hear how much you want to help

your daughter and granddaughter

work through these challenges. If your daughter is open to it, you could share

some Empowering Parents articles with her, such as the one above and this one, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you writing in. Best of luck to you and your family moving

forward. Take care.

mphyvr Thanks for all these "strategies", they might work for some parents, but quite simplistic and just plain old common sense for more defiant kids... Thanks anyways and hope this article helps many.

Psych Fan I'm a mom of a sophomore he's also a swearing boy and will have quite a tantrum even with consequences of take away all he does is sleep. He doesn't like school says school is a waste of time and that grades won't matter in his adulthood . He says More it over n over about how schooling won't help him in the future as I go it will help you do good on a ACT and SAT he is like getting good scores on those are only good if your going to college. He also is like jobs won't look at my grades . I tell him homework teaches him responsibility once a job sees your amount of effort in school your going to have a heck of time getting hired. I even ask him how is he going to succeed to work real well at a job when he doesn't work hard at school he goes I don't need to work hard at school but I will need to work hard at a job.

dcastillo68 If it was only this simple, but, in reality it is not.  Middle school syndrome is the worst.  Kids don't want to be labeled as nerds so they do everything to try to fail.  I went through that with my first born, and now again with my youngest.  It is More very frustrating when I was the total opposite when I was growing up.  I cared about my grades an I took it for granted thinking they will feel the same way.  Now seeing how they are happy with just getting by is really frustrating to me because I am such an over achiever.  They didn't even get an ounce of this.  Very very frustrating.  And I wish I have never invited video games to this household.  That is all they want to do.  I keep using this an incentive to bring them back on track, but as soon as I give them their games back, they are back to their old habits.  Sorry, but I can't wait until they are finished with school and hopefully moving out of state to hopefully a college career.  I may change my mind later, but at the moment, this is just how I feel.  It is very hard too when you don't get any help.  I find today's teacher to be lazy and pushing on more responsibility to the parents.  Who has time to do a full day's of work, only to do additional work at home?  okay, enough venting.

@frustrated single dad Diane Lewis Hi there - I have a son adopted out of foster care.  He is 6 1/2 and has been in 5 homes.  He is totally the same!  They learn this behavior and are incredibly manipulative.  They are so insanely smart.  I worry about exactly the same thing.  They turn on and off the behavior depending on who they are with and what they want.

We did Parent Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) at the Mailman Center (Jackson Hospital Miami).  It made a huge difference in the short-term.  They basically taught us to be full-time behavioral therapists with my son.  The effects wore off after a few months as my son adapted and found ways to circumvent the consequences techniques taught to us.  He is like the Borg!  I am going back to get more ideas on how to adapt and change and stay one step ahead of my son.  The gals there are really smart!

So, that being said - we have to be Jean Luc Picard and constantly change and adapt and outsmart them - just like changing the phasers on a laser gun!  It is bloody hard work.  And, harder the older they get -

eg.  He drops like a dead weight - throws his book bag and will not get in the car to go to school - response - next morning I headed it off by calling out to the kids "LAST ONE IN THE CAR IS A ROTTEN EGG!"  This has worked for 2 days now.  

Wont do homework 2 nights ago - response - "ooh I like doing word puzzles - Im going to do them and win" - this worked one night but not the next - he just then just left me to do his work - so I have told his teacher that there will be no school party for Alex next week unless he gets his homework finished - we will see if this works.....

It is totally exhausting and you have to be on your A game all the time.  Im telling you this but - I have to tell myself this too.  We have to stay really fit (like cross fit) and work out like a marine.  We have to be very disciplined with ourselves - a healthy body is a healthy mind - we cannot let up at all.  We have to stay calm at all times (again self discipline).  

Im always looking for concrete reactions to situations with my son.  Like I said - the entire day goes on like this with everything except what he wants to do.  Wont get dressed in the morning - put out his clothes in dining room where there are no distractions or toys - tell him that if he gets dressed and ready for school quickly - he can spend the left over time on the trampoline.  That worked this morning.

STAY STRONG MY BROTHER IN ARMS!!!  If you can get into a PCIT program - do it.

Love to you - R

My child comes home and says he doesn't have homework, does something easy to make it look like he's doing his homework, or says he did it during free time in class.  How do you combat this without going to the school everyday?  Neither my husband nor I can do More this because of work, and the we asked the teacher's if it was possible to send us the assignments via email or let us come pick them up once a week with no cooperation.  He is a very smart kid and gets "A's' on the work he does, but he is failing all of his core classes because he won't do homework.

@atmywitsend  , my child is the same way.  I'm at my wits end.  I feel like I'm a failure as a parent because I thought I taught my smart kid to succeed - and instead she's lying to me.

Psych Fan NinaMays I'm with the same feelings as my son can be above a C student but he choose to go oh I rather just get F's on this work than to actually get at least a B or A on these many assignments.. I ask him why he chooses F's More in many assignments when he could get a grade to bring his grades up and me telling me he's not being his full potential as by making him not do his work how can I truly believe he's going to be successful and he's like I have big brains . Then I'm like why not show me by doing your school work he goes I don't need do that and I show you of my big brains by telling you school isn't important. Telling me I am brainwashed. He is a sophomore in high school.

FRUSTRATED PARENT NinaMays This is my reality too - "relationship" with teachers is difficult when they won't co-operate with homework expectations, or follow up email - the schools complain that kids are on the internet - yet its them providing wifi passwords - so kids are playing in class - lying about More homework - and since I'm not in the class, I have no idea until report cards surface.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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Victorian playwright Andrew Kelly's debut children's picture book shows kids it's OK to cry

Primary school teacher, playwright and debut children's writer Andrew Kelly never felt ashamed to cry when he was a boy.

In fact, he and his 13 brothers and sisters were actively encouraged to show emotion.

"It didn't matter what we were crying about, from skinning our knees to teenage heartbreak," Mr Kelly said.

"Dad would always say, 'Cry hard, lovey, it will do you good'."

That message continues to resonate with Mr Kelly, and it is now being shared with a new generation of young people in the form of a children's picture book, the first for Mr Kelly who is also an accomplished playwright.

The book, Cry Hard Chucky, follows a good-mannered, fun-loving boy who gets angry and upset when things don't go his way, such as falling off his bike, the death of a pet, losing a footrace or getting into trouble.

"His father encourages him, if you need to have a cry, just have one," Mr Kelly said.

"At the end we get reminded that adults need to have a cry too sometimes, it does us good as well."

Since the book's release, it has been commended for its themes of resilience, empathy and positive father-son relationships, and has been used as a resource for families and teachers to broach conversations about emotional wellbeing.

Mr Kelly said although he had not set out to write a story with an overt moral, he was proud of the end result and the book's potential to challenge gender stereotypes.

"Real men, real boys don't cry is an old adage that we hear, man up, toughen up," Mr Kelly said.

"I thought [that stereotype] wasn't that relevant today because … in the last 10 years I have not heard anyone belittled for having a cry.

"But figures back up that this is not the case and for men, keeping our emotions inside us can be the cause of bigger problems."

Men expected to be stoic, study finds

In 2019, not-for-profit Movember surveyed 4,000 men from Australia, United Kingdom, Canada and the USA about masculinity and how it affects their behaviour.

Twenty-nine per cent said they did not show emotion or cry publicly to avoid appearing unmanly, with 58 per cent believing society expected them to be emotionally strong and not show weakness.

Thirty-eight per cent said they had not talked to other people about their feelings, despite most respondents acknowledging it was an effective way to deal with problems.

Headspace Swan Hill senior clinician Connor Gibbins said keeping emotions bottled up could have a negative impact on a person's mental health. 

He said it was important to start the conversation about wellbeing early so boys were able to find constructive ways of dealing with their feelings.

"If you are learning that at a young age and developing those skills early, you have more time to practise them and make them routine, which can help later in life with the transition from adolescence to adulthood," Mr Gibbins said.

Mr Kelly said he had already received reports of parents telling their children to "cry like Chucky" when they were upset.

He now hopes the book will find its way into as many educational settings as possible and continue to spark discussion about its themes.

"It is amazing how open and respectful kids can be when talking about these things," Mr Kelly said.

"I feel there is room for this book in every school in Australia."

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The Week the World Wept Over Kids Show ‘Bluey’

The biggest TV episode of the week was the supersized episode of “Bluey,” which made so many grown-ups cry that it’s become an international news story. Here’s why that matters.

Kevin Fallon

Senior Editor, Obsessed

Ludo Studio

There was a wackadoo of an international incident this week.

It was an event so shattering that adults around the globe were immediately reduced to tears. There is no known cure for the weeping that occurs surrounding this inciting party: a family of cartoon Australian dogs who might be moving out of their house.

The animated series Bluey , which streams on Disney+ in the U.S., is a phenomenon . But this week—in which the sheer number of grown adults allegedly crying along to its season finale has made headlines across the globe—the show reached a whole new level of relevance. And, now that I’ve seen the episode myself (and sobbed silently alone while watching) I have some thoughts as to why this show has become such a big deal—and a crucial, necessary part of pop culture.

The series first launched in 2018, about a 6-year-old Australian cattle dog named Bluey, her sister Bingo, and her parents Chilli and Bandit . The inherent whimsy of Bluey and Bandit’s wanderlust elicits giggle fits from children enamored by the characters’ rambunctious zeal for playtime. On the other hand, the breezy, yet meticulous capture of how parents relate to their kids on a daily basis, in all its big and small moments, has proven borderline jarring for adults. Understandably, most are unprepared to confront such pointed, accurate feelings in a cartoon meant to occupy their kids for a few minutes while they make dinner. The series crystallizes the experience of something that seems so amorphous and complicated: being a family.

Lubo Studios

The “adults enjoy it as much as the kids” genre of children’s programming is certainly nothing new; Pixar has built a billion-dollar reputation around that very thing. But there’s something about Bluey that hits differently, especially gauging by the surge in Kleenex stock since the series premiered. (Editor’s note: I made that fact up.)

At a time when everything about juggling life’s responsibilities—especially, I’d imagine, raising children—seems just so impossibly hard , Bluey ’s ultra-simple storylines (being caught in the rain with your daughter; taking the kids along to pick up takeout) fly like a dart through a storm cloud of life’s complicated stuff , landing a bullseye right at the heartstrings. Like any bullseye, that it accomplishes such a thing catches you by surprise and feels like a miracle.

Most adults who have seen Bluey will tell you that its jokes are funnier than the lion’s share of comedies on TV, while its ability to juggle that with such pure, authentic feeling is almost singular. It’s not a huge surprise that the series ranks among the most streamed programs in the entire world.

Naturally, then, when there’s a very special episode of Bluey , it’s going to be a big deal. The hysteria surrounding “The Sign,” the supersized episode that was released this week and which has generated its own news cycle of headlines, may be the biggest episode of Bluey yet. And, as this is Bluey , that means everyone is crying.

I do not have children. I do, however, have nephews that I posted so many photos of on Instagram that several people thought I did, indeed, have children—which, I understand, is basically the same as raising them myself. As such, I have long been immersed in the Bluey -verse, fearful that the worst thing imaginable would happen if it wasn’t: a set of 5-year-old twins would think I was not cool.

The coverage surrounding “The Sign” this past week has elevated the episode to Event Status. But because Bluey is a children’s show, the kind of program that most media outlets aren’t used to putting a spotlight on this genre. As such, the reporting was that of befuddlement: “ Bluey: ‘The Sign’ Episode Had Adults Crying. Is that Weird? ” “ The Bluey Season Finale Is Here and Grownups Are Not OK. ” And the breathless explainer report: “ Parents Are Sobbing Over Bluey . Is the Show Ending? What We Know. ”

I viewed the episode in a manner I imagine most parents around the world watched: in a hotel bathtub at 11 p.m. while sipping on minibar wine. But the circumstances in which one screens “The Sign” are not important. The result is all that matters: Oh boy, did I cry.

The episode’s running time alone telegraphed that this was going to be a monumental episode of Bluey . Most installments of the series are about seven minutes long, as perfect for “one more episode before bed time” negotiations as they are at holding preschoolers' attention. “The Sign,” however, clocks in at over 30 minutes, more than four times the length of a regular episode.

From the jump, it’s clear that the outing was going to swing wrecking balls at your tear ducts, as if your fragile emotional state was an existential construction site. “Why do stories always have happy endings?” Bluey asks her teacher at school. “Well, I guess because life will give us enough sad ones,” she replies. Jesus .

Chilli and Bandit are hosting the wedding of Bandit’s brother, Radley, to one of Chilli’s friend, Frisky, in their backyard. It will likely be the last big gathering at the house: Wanting to think bigger for his family, Bandit takes a job in another city, meaning that Bluey, Bingo, and Chilli have to come to terms with leaving their beloved home.

Bluey is so distraught over this that she tries to extract the For Sale sign from the front yard. It becomes clear, through subtle hints, that Chilli is also having a hard time with the move. But their anxieties are soon distracted when Frisky runs away on the wedding day, after facing a similar crisis: She learns that Radley plans for them to move away from town too once they’re married.

Much of the episode plays out as TV’s most adorable chase scene, with Chilli loading Bluey, Bingo, and their cousins in the car and setting off to find Frisky and convince her to come back to get married. Each unplanned stop and twist on the way excavates new feelings from both Bluey and Chilli about the impending move, creating a marvel of dual empathy: You understand the massive, hard-to-reason-with feelings Bluey is having as a child facing having to say goodbye to her friends and her home, and the more complex, mature emotions that Chilli is dealing with.

She is torn between her own misgivings about leaving and knowing this could be the best thing for the family, but must bury that internal debate in order to be a strong example for Bluey. It’s one of those fleeting gut-punches that Bluey does so well, illuminating the ways in which parents do and say things to help their kids be brave—even if they could use help being brave themselves.

One of the more cynical takes about Bluey is that the series caters to parents, or even serves as therapy for them, more than it is a show for kids. I hate that argument. First of all, I’ve seen the pandemonium at Bluey events first hand; the youths are obsessed. I also think the sophisticated emotional truths that dance along with the goofiness of these gregarious characters are absorbed by kids. They may not have the language to break down why certain moments in the show are so poignant, but I believe that the notion that something meaningful is happening between parents, between siblings, and between family contributes to their fascination with this show.

There’s a moment when Chilli and Bandit join hands. Bandit asks, “Am I making a mistake?” Chilli, after a full episode of questioning the move, responds, “Probably. But let’s make it together.” (I yelped a little bit and my heart took an express elevator to my throat as I typed that.)

Frisky and Rad’s wedding happens, which means I can now count * Bluey * among the weddings I’ve cried at on TV, for the love of God. And then Bluey goes for nuclear emotional devastation.

The final two and a half minutes play out wordlessly, as the family summons the fortitude and courage to say goodbye to their home, simultaneously mourning and cherishing the memories they made as a family there. It is the 2024 version of the Up opening scene , and just as gorgeous—and ravaging. Because this episode has been so huge and there’s been so much coverage of it, you can easily find out what happens during that sequence—but I won’t spoil it for you.

It’s interesting to engage with Bluey doing something so…big. A big episode. A big life change. It even seemed to intentionally court this big reaction. But I think it’s earned.

So much of the show’s emotional power comes in its brevity. Episodes are a slice of life: seven minutes about a trip to the store, bedtime, building a playset in the backyard... They’re fleeting, everyday, even mundane activities, but they vibrate with every extreme of meaning, often in rapid, contradictory succession—just like in real life. The simplest and the hardest thing to do is get through a day. Bluey , somehow, captures that. It’s a show that understands that the sheer amount of love you feel makes each day’s many tasks run the full gamut of tedious to rewarding, insurmountable to profound, and every note of joyous, shattering, exhausting, invigorating, and beautiful that falls in between.

We’re so preoccupied by so many things right now, be it the news, the endless pop culture options, or the demands of our lives. I think this episode is resounding in the way it is because it grounds us. In these two-dimensional Australian dogs, we get a very human reminder that we’re not receiving anywhere else. Validate all the moments, good or bad, big or small; feel each feeling without apologies; be strong; and give the love and ask for the love you need to get through all of it.

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Mercy Watson is Missing

Mercy Watson is Missing By Kate DiCamillo Illustrated by Chris Van Dusen

Yikes! Our favorite porcine wonder, Mercy Watson, went missing! Mrs. Watson was crying and Mr. Watson was so very upset. They contacted the fire department and were told, “We don’t deal with missing pigs.” They contacted the animal control officer and she said, “I don’t deal in missing pet pigs.” They contacted the police and were told, “Missing pigs are not a police department matter.”

What to do? The Watson’s neighbors on Deckawoo Drive, Frank and Stella Endicott, Horace Broom, and Baby Lincoln help the Watson’s search. Of course, Eugenia Lincoln does not help; she is wildly joyful, playing the accordion and dancing a jig because she is happy Mercy is missing; she does not like our porcine wonder one little bit.

After no success in their search, the Watsons hire a private detective, Percival Smidgely…but…does he know what he is doing? Can he be trusted?

Will the two men who see Mercy on the side of the road chase her, catch her, and feast on pork for supper?  Will she be found?  If so, where? And if not, will this be the end of our delightful adventures with Marcy Watson?

Enjoy reading this junior fiction selection, Mercy Watson is Missing , Volume 7,  by award-winning author Kate Dicamillo. The delightful, colorful pictures of Mercy and the characters in the Deckawoo Drive neighborhood are the artwork of our own Maine award-winning illustrator, Chris Van Dusen.

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