14 year old not doing homework

What to Do When Your Teen is Failing School and Doesn’t Care

Elisa Cinelli

A report card full of D’s and F’s can be upsetting for a parent to see. It’s especially frustrating if it seems like your teen just doesn’t care.

 But what do you do? 

You can’t force your kid to put their best effort into their schoolwork, and trying to do so may damage your relationship.

On the other hand, teens can’t always grasp how important their high school grades are and what effect they may have on their futures. Parents should do their best to set their kids up for success and rule out any barriers that may be the root cause of their child’s poor school performance.

Related: A+ Parenting: 9 Tips to Boost Bad Grades

Ahead, we outline the actions that you can take if your teenager is failing school because of a seeming lack of motivation .

Ask an Expert: What Do I Do if My Kid Doesn't Care About School or Grades?

Connie Collins , a professional school counselor with over 35 years working in education as both a teacher and school counselor, weighs in on how concerned parents should respond to kids or teens who don’t put any effort into school or try to get good grades

  Q: My son is in seventh grade and is failing most classes. He has the ability to get As and Bs without much effort, but he doesn't care and either hurries through his homework or just doesn't do it at all.   I've tried punishing him, taking things away, talking with him, and meeting with teachers and counselors , but nothing seems to work. Any ideas on how to get him to care about school and his grades?   A: You say you have talked with his teachers and counselors. Did those meetings result in a plan? Was your son involved in that plan? If the answers are no, I would suggest going back to the school and doing just that. Is there a set time and place free of TV, computer, stereo, etc. for him to do this homework? Does he have to use that time reading if he says he doesn't have homework?  Do you or your partner spend some study time with him talking about his work and checking it over?  Where does the homework go when finished – in his folder, in his backpack, near the door?  Many bright seventh-graders have no idea how to organize or how to study. Does he need some help in this area? You speak of punishment and rewards , but not of consequences. Are they logical and immediate?  What happens if he fails seventh grade? Have you decided as a family and made clear to him that he will be spending summer going to summer school – not on vacation or being with his friends?  That might help put things into perspective and show him that doing well in school impacts other parts of his life. 

Set Your Teen up For Success in School

Teenagers aren’t full-fledged adults yet, and they are still developing their executive function skills. Setting up a schedule and a quiet environment for them to study in can go a long way in helping them succeed. 

Often a bit of external structure can help your child get a good grade. The resulting feeling may help them develop intrinsic motivation.

• Choose a table in a room free from distractions. If possible, the table should be completely clear of anything but your kid’s work.
• Make a schedule. When is your teen going to work? Should they come home and study first thing after school before they have free time, or will it work better for them to have a snack and some downtime to socialize first? The answer to this will depend on your child. Involve them in this decision.
• Buy a planner. If your teenager doesn’t already have a planner, have them pick one out. Show them how to list out homework and study tasks with a box next to each that they can check off once complete.

Identify the Obstacles

Often what looks like laziness is truly overwhelming. Don’t assume that your child just doesn’t care. When missing assignments snowball, kids can start to feel like they’ll never catch up. Try to figure out what is stopping them from completing their work.

Sit down and have a conversation with your teen, without judgment. Make it very clear that you are not upset and that they are not in trouble.

 The goal is to get them to open up to you so that the two of you can get to the bottom of what’s causing their bad grades.

Common obstacles include:

• Volume of reading is too high or the material is too complex
• Foundational math or science skills weren’t mastered so now the more advanced classes aren’t accessible to your child
• Difficulty balancing academics and sports or other activities
• Not enough time to do all the work (might need to prioritize)
• A condition such as ADHD or a learning disability that makes school more challenging 
• Mental health needs to be addressed — maybe bullying or another issue is impacting your teen’s self-esteem and needs to be taken care of with professional help before your child can focus properly on academics

Consider Accommodations

“Not caring” can be a coping mechanism for kids who have given up because they have lost their confidence. It’s possible for learning disabilities to show up at an older age, even if they didn’t seem obvious during the elementary years.

Talk to your school counselor about your concerns and they will help you decide whether you want to assess your child. If you do, make sure that your child understands that you don’t think there is anything wrong with them, but you want to learn more about how you and the school can help them. 

You might also let them decide whether they want to be assessed.

Possible learning disabilities include:

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder : affects the ability to focus and executive functioning
• Dyscalculia : difficulty with math and logical thinking
• Dysgraphia : problems with handwriting and spelling
• Dyslexia : affects reading and language processing

Emotional trauma or mental health issues may also be a barrier to your teen’s motivation and academic success. 

You should also consider whether they might need therapy or antidepressants to help get them through a difficult time and to support their school achievement.

Use Natural Consequences

Experience is often the best teacher. Try to let your child suffer the natural consequences of failing whenever possible. It can be tempting to swoop in and save our kids at the last minute, but it’s better for them to learn the consequences of their actions while they are young.

 It’s better to be stuck in summer school because you didn’t do your work than to be fired from a job at an older age in “real life.”

That being said, natural consequences are not always the safe choice. You don’t want to let your child fail without giving them the support they need. Use your judgment when using natural consequences with teens, and regardless, make sure they know that you are always there for them and that you love them unconditionally.

These strategies are less effective with teens, who are becoming more independent (a good thing!). If it becomes a power struggle, it’s not likely to help motivate your teen to care.

If you say, “You can’t play video games until you have done your homework,” you’re likely to end up with a teen who doesn’t do either and doesn’t care. But if your kid wants to avoid having to repeat a school year of high school, they may decide to do their work on their own.

Set Goals Together

Try sitting down with your teen and coming up with some goals together. Remember, these are your kid’s goals, not yours. 

You’ll never be able to force them to get on board with your goals. And you shouldn’t have to. A 14-year-old or 15-year-old kid should be coming up with their own plans for their future.

Start by looking at the long term. What do they want to achieve when they grow up? What options do they want available to them? That’s completely up to them. The next step is to set short-term goals that work towards their long-term goal. his is where you come in. 

 Your job is to help them see what stepping stones there are along the road to their aspirations. And that might not mean that they need to be a straight-A student or that they need to attend a university instead of a community college . There are many ways for teens to succeed that don’t revolve around their grades. 

Remember though — the short-term goals need to align with what your kids want to achieve. Pushing your own narrative won’t get them to care. But supporting their dreams likely will.

Steps for Setting Academic Goals: 

• Have your teen come up with one to three long-term goals for their future — where do they want to be in 5 or 10 years? 
• Help them come up with short-term goals that lead directly to their long-term goal. For example: focusing on studying for biology class now will help them if they want to become a veterinarian after college 
• Figure out what support they need to meet their short-term goals and help them get that support.
• Write out a plan with actionable steps that your teen can check off. We recommend our High School Homework Checklist for Parents . 

Check Your Relationship with Your Teen

It’s normal if your relationship with your teen seems to be a bit strained. Teenagers are gaining independence and trying to fit in with their peer’s values . This is all healthy and expected.

That being said, the teenage years are also one of the most important times to nurture your relationship. You want your teen to be able to trust that they can come to you for anything.

Falling grades or apathy about school may be a sign that your teen needs you more than ever. Consider how much quality family time you are spending. 

With parents’ and teens’ jam-packed schedules, it’s easy to lose track of that family dinner or find time just to sit and talk. 

Even if it’s just in the car on the way to practice, try to carve out some time for you and your teen to be together and enjoy each other’s company.

If your child’s grades are slipping or they seem to have lowered motivation, building a better relationship with you – their parent – can help. 

Parental support builds trust so that they feel comfortable telling you about what might be wrong or what they might be struggling with. It also helps to elevate your child’s mood and self-esteem which may have a positive effect on motivation.

Most important of all, ensure that your child knows that you will always love them, no matter their grades.

About Elisa

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Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits  and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

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Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

Parent's Use of Positive Reinforcement for Struggling Teenagers

Parenting a struggling and/or rebellious teenager can be a challenging and exhausting experience. It's easy to feel overwhelmed and frus...

• Would you suggest any further contact? Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one l...

Daniel Wong

What to Do If Your Teen Hates School: 15 Strategies That Work

Updated on September 30, 2024 By Daniel Wong 98 Comments

Maybe this describes the situation you’re in.

Does your teen say that he hates school?

Does he complain about his teachers and classmates, and about how “useless” school is?

Or maybe your teen complains that the people in school are “fake”, and that it’s hard to make friends?

If so, I’m sure you feel concerned.

You want to help your teen, but whatever you’ve tried so far hasn’t worked.

Don’t worry.

Given that I work with students — the majority of whom are teens — for a living, I know how common it is for teens to dislike school.

Nonetheless, this is still an issue that must be addressed.

There are many powerful strategies you can employ to help the situation. In this article, I’ll outline 15 of them.

(Download the free bonus below to learn five more strategies.)

Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the strategies found here, plus 5 exclusive bonus strategies that you’ll only find in the PDF.

Why do teens hate school.

As a parent and as a coach who works with teenagers , I understand how challenging it can be to see your child hating school.

You don’t want your teens to be miserable, but you also want what’s best for them in the long term.

While academics aren’t everything, doing well in school does lead to more opportunities for scholarships, higher education, and employment.

Here’s the thing…

Before you can motivate your teenagers to enjoy school , you must understand why they dislike school in the first place.

For many students, school is like a roller coaster — full of nerve-racking lows and exhilarating highs. Threatening or lecturing your teens won’t help them navigate the heart-pounding ride.

Instead, let’s explore a few answers to the all-important question: “Why do teens hate school?”

They feel like they have no control over their lives

Teenagers are also growing up, which means that they’re developing their independence.

So, your teens want to feel in control of their lives.

But the traditional school setting typically gives them few opportunities to exert this control, outside of setting academic goals .

Most teenagers have few options with regard to which classes they’re taking, so they don’t get to study the topics that genuinely interest them.

Add jam-packed schedules and strict rules to the mix, and it’s no wonder that teens find school frustrating and sometimes pointless.

If your teen hates school, it could be a lack of autonomy that’s driving this feeling of resentment.

They feel overwhelmed and stressed

Waking up early. High-pressure extracurriculars. Exams, homework, and projects.

Teens today are more stressed than ever before. In fact, nearly one-third of teens report feeling overwhelmed , a figure on par with adult stress levels.

These statistics are a cause for concern.

As American Psychological Association CEO Norman B. Anderson, PhD says:

It is alarming that the teen stress experience is so similar to that of adults. It is even more concerning that they seem to underestimate the potential impact that stress has on their physical and mental health.

(If you’re concerned about your teen’s mental well-being, here are seven tips to support your child’s mental health .)

Help your teenager to manage stress effectively, and you might find that you no longer say that “my teenager hates school”.

They feel that school is just about getting good grades

Does your teen feel pressured to achieve outstanding grades?

Most students do. Yet academic success is about so much more than report cards and grades.

It’s important to show your teen that it’s not the outcome but the process that matters most.

Sure, it feels good to get excellent grades. But what’s more important are the valuable life skills your child gains along the way, e.g. critical thinking, organisation, planning, self-management.

If your teens feel the only purpose of school is to memorise facts and equations, they’ll struggle to find joy in the learning process.

They’re being bullied

If you keep saying to yourself that “my teen hates school”, check in with your child to ensure that he or she isn’t being bullied.

Just because your teen hasn’t mentioned the issue doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

If there’s bullying going on, don’t blame yourself. Instead, support your child and empathise with him or her as you find a solution together.

What to do if your child hates school

As we’ve seen, there’s typically a reason why your child doesn’t enjoy school.

Now, let’s explore 15 proven strategies that will help anytime you’re wondering what to do about your child hating school:

1. Don’t assume that your teen is being defiant or rebellious

As children enter the teenage years, they crave autonomy. They’re also forming their identity, all while their bodies and brains are going through drastic changes.

As such, teens often exhibit rebellious behaviour .

But don’t assume that this is the only reason your teen tells you she hates school.

Many times, there are other issues at play, e.g., feeling overwhelmed, struggling to keep up with schoolwork, bullying, fear of exams .

2. Think about what you’ve been doing that may have contributed to the problem

Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself saying “my teenager hates school”:

• Do I frequently nag my teen?
• Do I always talk about school-related topics?
• Do I talk as if my teen’s hobbies are a waste of time, or that they’re merely a distraction from her schoolwork?
• Do I compare my teen with her friends, cousins or siblings?
• Do I overemphasise the importance of performing well in school?
• Do I frequently force or coerce my teen into doing schoolwork?
• Do I sign my teen up for classes or programmes without first seeking her consent?

On their own, none of these behaviours will result in you having a disrespectful teenager who hates school.

But in combination, they’ll likely cause a power struggle between you and your teen.

Over time, your teen may develop even more negative emotional associations with school.

3. Use active listening techniques when talking to your teen about the issue

• Give your teen your full attention
• Don’t multitask
• Don’t interrupt your teen while he’s talking
• Encourage your teen to keep talking, e.g. by saying “go on” or “tell me more”
• Empathise with your teen
• Seek to understand how he is feeling
• Don’t judge
• Don’t moralise
• As far as possible, don’t provide unsolicited advice
• Occasionally summarise what you think your teen has been saying and reflect it back to him, e.g. “It sounds like you feel as if your math teacher doesn’t explain the concepts well, so you dislike math.”

By using active listening techniques, your teen will be more likely to share with you what’s troubling him.

4. Don’t use threats

It’s tempting for parents to use threats to coerce their teens into behaving “correctly”.

Whether it’s threatening to reduce your teen’s allowance or take away her phone, it won’t work in the long run.

The use of power becomes less effective as children get older. By the time they’re teenagers, this approach doesn’t work, and tends to backfire instead.

In other words, it isn’t possible to threaten your teen into becoming a motivated and responsible student who loves going to school.

If your teen detests school, the root cause is probably emotional in nature. This is what must be addressed as a priority.

5. Don’t lecture

“My teen hates school — should I lecture him or her?”

Perhaps that’s the question on your mind.

I advise parents to avoid lecturing their teens. But if you really can’t help it, keep the lecture short.

Teens tell me that they start tuning their parents out about two minutes into the lecture. So you’ll be wasting your breath if your lecture lasts longer than that.

Your teen won’t respond well to you preaching about the importance of school. Nor will he start or stop performing specific behaviours because you told him that he “should” or “shouldn’t” do those things.

(When was the last time you started eating healthily just because a relative or friend told you that you “should”?)

Lecturing won’t help your teen’s anxiety either, if that’s something he’s struggling with.

Even students who have an intense hatred for school know that doing well in school is important. They don’t need you to remind them of that, because their teachers do that almost every day.

What does your teen need from you?

He needs you to listen to him, to understand him, to see things from his perspective – this is a parenting skill I encourage you to develop.

When your teen feels understood, he’ll change his behaviour and attitude.

6. Reduce your focus on school and academics

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bring up school-related topics at all.

But many teens have told me that it seems as if school is the only thing their parents care about. And it’s true that many parents I talk to are mostly interested in how to get their teenagers to do their homework .

So make it a point to talk about topics that your teen is interested in, e.g. music, hobbies, gaming, social media.

When the conversations you have with your teen are more balanced, your teen’s attitude toward school will become more balanced too.

7. Help your teen to learn organisational and study skills

Many students who don’t like school feel overwhelmed by schoolwork, projects, tests, exams, etc.

Most of these students haven’t learned how to prioritise, plan, stay organised, manage their time, and focus when studying .

If this describes your teen, encourage – but don’t force – her to develop these skills. To do so, she can check out relevant resources and sign up for programmes.

This is the reason why I’ve developed courses like The Perfect Study Plan , and why I coach students 1-to-1 .

When students develop the necessary organisational skills and apply effective study tips , they often stop hating school!

8. Acknowledge your teen’s progress and effort

They feel as if they’ll never be good enough to live up to their parents’ expectations.

Instead of focusing on your teen’s grades, focus on their effort instead. Whenever you observe her exhibiting positive behaviour, acknowledge it.

This simple act will mean a lot to her. It will also remind her that the reward is found in the journey itself, not just the destination.

By acknowledging her progress, she’ll be more likely to develop intrinsic motivation.

9. Talk to your teen’s teachers

Reach out to your teen’s teachers. Given that they interact with your teen almost every day, they’re likely to have insights into why he hates school.

All the teachers I know are insanely busy. So even if you’re only able to schedule a 10-minute phone call with your teen’s teacher, make the most of the opportunity.

10. Talk to the parents of your teen’s friends

On a related note, to get a better picture of what’s going on, talk to the parents of your teen’s friends.

These parents would have heard from their children about what’s been frustrating them at school. Based on this feedback, you’ll understand your teen’s concerns better too.

11. Ensure that your home is an emotionally safe environment

Teens frequently tell me that they don’t feel emotionally safe at home.

Why do they say this?

Because they feel that when they’re at home, they can be nagged, criticised, blamed, reprimanded or lectured to at any time. They feel as if they can be “attacked” without forewarning.

It’s only natural that they withdraw, locking themselves in their room if possible.

If the home environment isn’t emotionally safe , teens won’t share what’s on their minds. This will only make the situation worse, and you’ll keep wondering why your teen hates school so much.

When parenting teens , do your best to cultivate a home environment that’s full of appreciation, respect and kindness.

Emphasise that there are standards that must be upheld, but that every family member will always receive unconditional acceptance.

12. Determine if there’s something more serious going on

Here are some symptoms to look out for:

• Feeling tired most of the time
• Poor concentration
• Feeling worthless
• Feelings of self-hatred
• Changes in appetite
• Irritability
• Persistent sadness
• Thoughts of suicide
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• Change in sleep habits
• Frequent crying
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Loss of motivation to study or do schoolwork

If your teen is exhibiting several of these symptoms, seek help right away.

13. Ensure that your teen’s life isn’t overscheduled

Sometimes, teens who hate school are simply worn out. They feel overwhelmed by the demands of school, extracurricular activities, etc.

They may be physically exhausted and sleep-deprived. This affects their mood, which makes them more likely to perceive situations negatively.

Teens need time to think, reflect, explore and dream.

Do what you can to ensure that your teen’s life isn’t overscheduled . Over time, you’ll see improvements in his attitude toward school.

14. Be patient and encouraging toward your teen

No matter how old we are, we’re all on a journey of learning, growing and maturing.

It’s a process for your teen to change her mindset, so be patient with her.

Encourage her. Support her. Empathise with her. Listen to her. Remind her that you’ll be with her every step of the way.

As you implement the other strategies listed in this article, you’ll see improvements such that you no longer think to yourself that “my teenager hates school”.

15. Help your teen to find a mentor

Teens who detest school need some perspective on their situation.

It’s hard for teens to develop this perspective because their problems seem so overwhelming.

From their point of view, the situation might even appear hopeless.

Parents have a difficult time getting through to teens. This is because parents’ guidance is often perceived as nagging or lecturing.

This is the reason your teen needs a mentor. The benefits of having a mentor are well-documented, which is why I mentor teens to help them become motivated, responsible, and resilient.

Your teen is just one mentor away from making the most of his potential!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is hating school normal.

While I’m not fond of the term normal, I will say it’s common for teens to dislike things related to school.

Just remember, most teenagers aren’t rebellious for the sake of it. There’s likely a good reason for their frustrations, so it’s crucial to apply the tips in this article to get to the root of the issue.

What can I do if my teenager refuses to go to school?

It’s tempting to scold and lecture your teenagers if they refuse to go to school.

But nagging your teens won’t work. More often than not, it will exacerbate the problem.

The good news is that there are tactics you can use to deal with challenging teenagers. Read my top 10 tips for dealing with disrespectful teens here .

How do you motivate an intelligent but unmotivated teenager?

Do you feel like your teenager doesn’t work hard enough or plan for the future, even though you know he or she is intelligent?

Or maybe your teen lacks motivation and gets distracted easily?

If so, you’re not alone. There’s a huge number of parents trying to figure out how to motivate a teenager to study and perform better in school.

I have good news for you…

I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 students around the globe. I’ve discovered that the vast majority of unmotivated teenagers want to do well in school. They simply lack the necessary mindset and skills to do so.

That’s why I wrote a free e-book to help parents learn how to motivate their teens. Discover my 16 keys to motivating teenagers here.

Do most teens hate school?

While I’m hesitant to say that most teens hate school, many do.

I know it’s frustrating to see that your children dislike school. But if you work with them day by day — by implementing the tips in this article — to embrace a new attitude, you’ll start to see improvements.

Conclusion: Huge changes occur one tiny step at a time

I’ve worked with teens who have gone from being unmotivated school-haters to being driven, focused, and independent learners.

Of course, the transformation to become happy, successful students didn’t happen overnight.

(I went through my own transformation as a teen, which you can read about here if you’re interested.)

But change is possible.

As is often said, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

In the same way, huge changes occur one tiny step at a time. So apply the strategies described in this article, as well as the bonus strategies you can get access to at the end of this article.

With your love, support, and guidance, your teen can experience a transformation too!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

August 7, 2018 at 9:13 pm

This is very useful Thank you

August 7, 2018 at 10:35 pm

You’re most welcome.

April 28, 2021 at 12:36 am

Good afternoon well I really don’t know what to do with my daughter anymore I try I talk to herAnd ask her what she needs if I’m doing something wrong she doesn’t talk much I ask her how was your day I am what she thinks about anything but she doesn’t say anythingAnd I asked her how she’s doing school and she’s tell me she’s doing good but really she’s not I have finals of the teachers telling me that she doesn’t look good in the class she talks to anybody I am and that she doesn’t finish your classwork

September 29, 2022 at 4:49 am

what if you hate school because you always get in trouble and your teachers are mean to you

December 5, 2022 at 1:54 am

Why are you always in trouble?

September 21, 2022 at 8:12 pm

Incredible article! Great advice!

August 13, 2018 at 4:28 am

My son is 18 and I’m from the school open day where I realised that he is really struggling yet is not putting more effort on his books…my point to him was he is not committed to his books and need to study a lot as the class he is in is very challenging…that’s when he told me he feels he doesn’t need school anymore…I felt very bad and I’m failing to cope…he is well mannered but I’m confused as to where did I go wrong

January 26, 2021 at 11:54 pm

I am going through the same exact thing with my 15 year old daughter. She even said about quitting but I told her if she quits then she will have to work full time. I am so worried and stressed and she cried often. Help!

April 20, 2021 at 1:39 pm

My 15 year old son is feeling and saying the same thing. Have you found anything to help?

April 21, 2021 at 5:58 am

Hi know how you feel Alisa, I am going thru the exact with my 15yr old son. He has missed a full first term and hasn’t gone back so far this term. I don’t know what to do.

May 14, 2021 at 11:40 am

Have you figured out anything that helps? My 17 yr old son won’t go to school either he makes me out to be the bad guy untill he gets his way. We tried going to the counselor and that didn’t work either.

August 18, 2021 at 10:42 pm

Sounds like my 16yr old son. Ive been thrown in jail over him missing school. And he’s only been 2 out of the 7days this year already. The school had n I interest in helping us. Ill go back to jail Ima sure as he will go to juvie again sadly he is going to be a dad also in 7mths and I just dont know what else to do. Ive begged the school for help but they keep saying we dont know what to tell you. Smh they’ve pushed him thru with straight F’s since 3rd grade but they are not at fault for his struggles in school.

November 8, 2022 at 2:58 am

i am a 15 yr old let him do it trust me i dropped out learned the real important stuff like how taxes work got to spend time with people i love way more often learned the importance of money how to save it and it also just gives you future money like working at mcdonalds is like 15 $ an hr and working full time isnt so bad i get to interact and become more socially active.

October 3, 2018 at 11:34 am

What do I need to do or where to go if my teen is showing most of those traits in #12? Also why must I seek help Immediately?

October 4, 2018 at 4:06 am

You should seek help right away because he’s at risk for hurting himself.

October 9, 2018 at 3:06 pm

Hi, My son is a popular good looking boy.. but hates school and is now refusing to go. He had suggested in the past about moving schools, but I thought this was pointless as his school was good and my daughter has been very successful there. He hates teachers and just just generally hates everybody! He’s asking to go to college early, he is 15 16 next September? I’m separated from his father, 10 yrs now, charlie has received counselling with school and struggles with anger not at me.. I believe the school feel it’s just being spoilt as I’ve over compensated with him lots to always try and make him happy.. but I believe he really hates school and just want him to be somewhere he is happy and have the chance to thrive, he was recently scouted at the school for rugby to trial for a brilliant team but turned it down, even with me and his dad giving him rewards if he went! I just don’t know what to do! I worry about drugs and suiceied and getting in with the wrong crowd, and can’t help by blame myself as I’m too weak with him! I’ve patented my children the same, my daughter has just gone to the uni of her dreams, so I know I’ve done my best!

February 27, 2020 at 11:00 pm

I read your comment and I feel the same way. I have a 17 yr daughter who is a motivated straight A student with an already figured out life, and a 15 1/2 son who tells me that he hates school, that he doesn’t learn anything in school and that he would rather stay home or be homeschooled. I am married. I tried so many techniques with him, from being understanding and open minded to giving him space… nothing works. He already failed a class and even though he’s making it up now, he’s borderline failing 2 other classes. I aslo worry about drugs, vaping, and whether or not he’s even going to college. As of now he wants to drop HS and he said that he doesn’t want to go to college. According to him he would rather drop off now and get a job. Like you, I don’t understand how I can have one kid one way and the other exactly the opposite. If parenting were to be the issue than both kids should’ve been doing bad in school. This is so frustrating. My husband keeps on saying to let him be, but I fear that if I do so, he will fail and won’t get a chance to make up for all this mistakes, won’t graduate,won’t go to college and end up with a low paying job trying to make ends meet for the rest of his life 🙁

March 19, 2020 at 9:09 am

I am in exactly the same position with my 15-year old son. I’m about to pay for online private school but I’m so scared that he won’t put forth the effort and we will be in the same position, minus $1700. He has just told me that he is not going to a “crap college” and will just start working after high school, which I’m certain will lead to drugs and/or jail. I am petrified. 😢

September 29, 2020 at 6:38 pm

Yes!! Reading your comment makes me feel better and that I’m not alone! I have a 15 year old son and if I even mention school and his grades he goes into a rage. He is normally a GREAT, very well mannered kid. He told me that school is useless and he wants to drop out. I am at a loss! Of course I won’t allow him to drop out but I have no idea how to make it better. I feel like I am failing as a parent.

October 22, 2020 at 9:10 am

Sooo, I am a 16 year old boy who hates school, and reading your comments I can pretty much relate to your children. Wanna ask any questions? I’m here to answer them!

October 23, 2020 at 4:56 am

So what do you recommend as a 16 year old ? My son says the only thing keeping him from a breakdown is playing on his xbox. How can I get him to put just a little effort into school? His teachers want to have a parent/student/teacher conference.

June 17, 2021 at 2:20 am

My son is 15. He hates school, I just spoke to his 8 teachers and all of them says same thing that he is disturbing the class and gets easily distributed himself. His grades significantly dropped and he isn’t. Doing well academically at all . What can I do?

December 31, 2020 at 8:11 am

I have some questions! My 16 year old son is smart, well-liked, interested in so many things. But, he sees school as holding him back. This pandemic has not helped. I don’t really focus on grades, but he does because he wants to get into a “good school.” I don’t expect him to like school, I just don’t know how to make it not “ruin his life.”

March 7, 2021 at 9:58 pm

I have a 13 yr old that hates school. He doesn’t even try. I’m his grand parent. I fell as I’ve failed him. I’m so concerned and confused.

April 13, 2021 at 12:18 am

What are you doing if you hate school, how are you managing your teenage years and what are your plans for future?

April 13, 2021 at 7:54 am

You say you hate school but do you still go to school?

August 20, 2021 at 11:29 am

My son is 14 years old and tells me he hates school. He won’t specify exactly what he hates about it other than saying that he doesn’t learn anything useful. He just started high school and I want to make sure his next 4 years aren’t going to go in the wrong direction by not helping him. But I don’t know how to help if he just doesn’t like school. 🤷🏻‍♀️

November 2, 2022 at 12:57 am

My 15 yr ild grandson and 17 yr old grad daughter will be late 2 out of 5 days and the days they are at school they dont go to but maybe 2 out of 5 classes a day I asked why doesnt security make them go to class they said the hid from them. Now they want to put them on a contract and if that doesnt work they will be suspended and if that dont work they will have to go to another school. Which they wont have a way to get there. They don’t like to get up early to go to school and they never bring hime homework. I dont know what to do.

January 25, 2023 at 4:39 am

What is it that you hate the most about school?

Are there parts of it you like?

Would you do online school instead?

Was there a time in your life when you did like school?

Are you in any extra curricular activities?

Best of luck!

May 23, 2021 at 6:19 pm

I have the same problem with our son, although he has always school from early years he is now 13 and know he is going through adolescence and we try our best not to judge him when his school rings us saying he doesn’t do the work in class or he won’t listen in class our son generally is a fun loving bubbly person but lately seem sad fed up with school and although we agree with our son on some reasons for this we also agree with teacher that it can’t continue I just want him to be happy do his best in school which would show he’s trying we have got 1-1 teaching in certain classes but just want him to know we are supporting him and want to help the situation

April 14, 2021 at 7:41 pm

Maybe let him get a job huni as maybe he has to learn the hard way and see how hard it is out there. Hugs darling. I got two kids 10, 13 refusing to go to school. Sob

October 12, 2018 at 2:42 am

My daughter has been having issues at school for a while I have tried home school and she hated that as well now she is back is regular school with her peers and wants to be home schooled again what should I do ? Yes she has tried to hurt herself yes she has been to hospitals and yes she is on medication and therapy what now cause now she tells me she wants to quit therapy cause her therapist is t getting her at all she is not improving in my eyes and I’m at a lost some sound advice would really help me I’m afraid for her future and her current situation Please Help

October 29, 2018 at 6:01 am

Search for another therapist

November 6, 2018 at 1:49 pm

Perhaps the therapist isn’t right for her, it is common that sometimes a certain therapist just doesn’t “click” with the one in the therapy, try changing therapist until you found the right one would be my suggestion.

October 19, 2018 at 9:13 pm

This is very helpful. But, what happens when my 15 years old son start saying that school is not important for life, and don’t attend school because of that? He was always a smart boy, had big dreams in life… but now he lost any interest in school or studying, he sits at home doing nothing, says that he will be a millionaire by saling things (because of the videos all over the Internet about how to make big money and don’t work) on the internat but doesn’t do anything for that… He says that school doesn’t help you and that he will drop of school when it is possible, until then he barely attend the classes, go home in the middle of a school day, of course doesn’t do any homework or projects at school… And the worst part is that he even lost interest in making friends, meetings people or go somewhere… It started last year at his middle school when he has friends and continuing now in the first year of high school where he doesn’t want to meet anyone… The point is that there is no bullying involved in this case. I don’t know what is happening with him and why he lost any interest in social life and studying… What can I do? He is such a smart boy and he can ruin his future by this actions and I don’t know what to do…

November 1, 2018 at 6:36 am

IAM GOING THRUE THE SAME ISSUE WITH MY 14 YRD OLD…WHAT DID YOU DO TO HELP HIM? HELP PLEASE

November 6, 2019 at 5:25 am

Having the same problem. 14 year old boy going into high school next year. Almost same exact details.

April 4, 2020 at 10:53 pm

I’m a teenager right now, trying to figure out how to get motivation for something pointless. I mean yeah, most places require a high school education, but most places should also rethink the value of that. Going to be a CEO? I’m thinking you might not need that biology class. Accountant. Did you really need all that extensive world history? Going to drive semi-trucks? Nobody’s gonna care about that Calculus class. How about a lawyer? Chances are, nobody is going to care in the least about how you had to dissect Romeo and Juliet. It is pointless. So many teachers take PRIDE in the fact that no one likes their class. They all force massive amounts of work onto you, leaving no time for anything else. Teenagers are young, right? They’re supposed to have energy, right? So that means they must not need sleep. Which means they could be memorizing useless facts so they can spit them out onto a test paper and then immediately forget them. It would be a much better use of time. Us students are forming a Union to abolish this meaningless and stupid program. But… we’re not 18 so we can’t possibly know anything about the world even with all these facts they shove in our faces. Don’t try to make your teenager like school. Let them hate it, encourage them to despise it, support them in that intelligent opinion. Hate it with them. Schools cause so many mental problems for so many kids. It’s not the other kids. It’s the teachers, the principals, the administrators. We can’t stand up for ourselves, so help us. If there are enough of us, we just may be able to abolish this horrible and useless system.

April 23, 2020 at 5:45 am

Amelia I am sorry you feel this way. I do understand that school sucks. I think most of the classes are pointless and a lot of wasted time and not teaching real-life issues. The only thing I do know is that school teaches you to be on time, to have structure, to socialize in a public setting and deal with people you may not like (like bosses and co-workers), it teaches you to apply yourself in a work environment in the future, to do tasks at work that you are going to hate. So that is what I see about school. But unfortunately to succeed in life MOST of the time employers like to see that you have graduated school, because you were able to be responsible and apply yourself at all tasks. So therefore, jobs will be given to those who “seem” responsible and educated by having a diploma. My son is 15 years old and has always been super smart. We have always said he is going to be an engineer one day. This is his first year of highschool, he got mixed up with the wrong kids, and in the last 6 months has gotten into drugs (some heavy but mostly pot), he has done illegal things, he sneaks out at night. We removed him from school and started virtual school. He only has 4 classes to take, almost 3 because he is about done with the easy driver’s ed class. He only has to do one class a day and can be done by Thursday. He refuses to do the lessons, he cheats and gets reported for copying and pasting answers. When I try to talk to him calmly and explain how this is important and we just care and we get it’s a pain in the butt but it needs to be done. We give him only 2 assignments a day to complete. Sometimes he doesn’t even do that. He says he doesn’t need an education to be a mechanic (he does), and talks to me as if he hates me. I do nag him because I see he is not doing a thing ALL DAY long. Tell me as a teenager what I can do to help him. What would help you? I will do whatever I can, I just don’t know anymore. I cannot as a parent say, OK quit and don’t do school anymore. So what’s next? Fight every day? Watch him fail. We give him incentives to look forward to if he keeps a C or higher and if he completes the few assignments each day. He still will stare at a wall rather than complete the work and receive the incentives. It has caused so much pain with all of us my heart breaks for his future. It’s a sad, tough world we live in. I know how hard it must be for teens these days, and I sympathize. But how do I help. I don’t want my son to run away, be a drop out, become a drug addict when he sees life isn’t the way he pictured it. And to you, I will pray for you as I do my son because I don’t want any teenager to feel this way. I was a pain in the butt teen as well, but times were different when I was in highschool than they are now. I wish you the absolute best in life and I hope you succeed even though school sucks…I hope you graduate and get to feel that amazing sense of accomplishment.

May 27, 2020 at 11:05 pm

hi im also a teen and here’s something that helped with my friend. their parents made a system where for every test that they get 80% and more they get $25 and when report cards come for every class that they get a 85% or more they get $50, money is a good motivation for us cause we can spend it on what we want, like food, games and just about anything, also i noticed a lot of these comments are from america and im in canada so im not sure what 80% is in letter grades but i think it might be a B+ i could be wrong though so look up a conversion chart to make sure. i hope this helps

June 6, 2020 at 7:05 pm

Hi Gwen, Since your son knows what he wants to do, maybe you could try get him an apprenticeship with a mechanic? It would give him a sense of purpose during his day and hopefully a ‘mentor’ who he can relate to and something he enjoys doing. All the best and good luck!! keep strong!! Kids grow up and eventually realise you love them!

October 1, 2020 at 10:57 am

Hi Amelia, I’m also a teen (technically a young adult because I’m 18, but I was fresh out of high school last year and in the 1st year of university), and I FEEL THAT! Schools and universities really do make us learn useless things! Heck, even in universities where there are specific majors, they still have useless units as prerequisites! E.g. if you want to develop apps, why aren’t all the classes and assignments wholly dedicated to simply creating apps? Why is it peppered with useless unrelated assignments and units? And they’d claim that being well-rounded is extremely important. If anything, being intensely focused on one thing is better than being well-rounded in everything, only having the basics of everything but never mastering anything in particular. What’s the point?

December 4, 2020 at 11:51 am

Do schools teach seemingly useless things? Yes, but having a well-rounded education is so very important to be an informed citizen and to think critically. Also, who says you won’t change your mind or major later if you decide all of a sudden you like literature more than computer science, or whatever? Also, it’s a fall back if for some reason that career you want is no longer viable anymore.

I started off as a Spanish major in school. I also have a background in education and technology through other classes I took… so now I teach 1 Spanish class a semester, but my regular full-time job is teaching technology to faculty in higher ed…

Also, take a look at this election cycle we are in! There are so many uninformed citizens who obviously didn’t pay attention in history or government classes! I wouldn’t want to be that person!

Saying all that, I have a 14-year-old who refuses to do school work in school and is constantly off-task. I have to practically sit on top of him to get him to do anything. I have spent the past 3 weeks trying to catch him up in school… but I can ONLY control what he does at home. His teachers are pissed because he’s not doing stuff in class. He is ADHD/Autistic, he goes to therapy and we are trying a new behavior contract to give him 10 minutes of phone time per completed assignment… some days it works, some days it doesn’t… I just am so very frustrated and stressed over it all… I’m trying to do my own work from home + he’s doing remote 3 days a week + 2 days in (but the days he’s in school he does nothing)… I don’t know what the answer is myself. I have tried almost everything!

May 14, 2021 at 1:56 am

My 15-year-old much the same. There has to be a better way than behavior mods. These kids are smart; they won’t be manipulated. I am thinking maybe we unschool him and start a business together or something. Why do we continue to disrespect what he’s saying and ignore his feelings? It’s really hard to parent today!

December 26, 2020 at 3:52 pm

You know, I feel the same way… because as a 16 year old, i have been in high school for a year now, and the only reason I passed my classes last year was bc the district allowed us to have an option of just showing that we completed a class instead of the actual grade, (which was most of my classes), but of course only if you didn’t fail them. Now yes, I feel that elementry school is something that everyone should do, even they also teach things and have there flaws in the system as well. But middle school and high school are a different subject. They should make it so that the students pick what they want to learn and have the basics sure, like how to do your taxes or how to write a resume. But we don’t need to know that that the mitochondria is the power house of the cell. I want us to all come toghether and change the school system for the better of students and society! Think about it. Wouldn’t you be more happier if your child was happy doing what they love and actually enjoy learning the subject. And that if you fail that you can still graduate high school. I feel that students should have the choice of picking what they want to learn. This will help them develop their own skills and find out who they are. And if they don’t like the class, THEN THAT’S OK. We should not be pressured into reading shakespere if we don’t want to. Any who, I hope this helped you all understand how students feel. Thank u and I rly do want to change this school system for the better of everyone, so let me know your thoughts about the subject and your opinions. Thank u all again and I hope this helps!

June 26, 2021 at 1:11 am

Great points! Thank you for your time in helping us understand how our kids are feeling. Adult college students feel the same way too!

March 30, 2023 at 1:18 pm

I taught elementary school many years ago and it was important to me for my students to enjoy everyday…I do understand how students feel the way they do today as everything is so different…I would love to be able to have the opportunity to let students speak and have someone really listen to what they are saying…you all need to be heard…

December 31, 2020 at 8:14 am

You know what? I think you are right. Let kids hate school. I really think you are onto something.

June 26, 2021 at 1:13 am

Great points! Thank you for your comments and perspective!

September 8, 2023 at 3:26 am

This is true. Anyone who disagrees with this is a teacher.

November 20, 2019 at 4:23 am

Hi i have same problem with my son He is 15 But worst thing he start bullying ours family And i really don’t know what to do All supports are trying to help But is getting worse

April 22, 2020 at 4:54 am

Hi Lena! I was reading your situation and looks like you are writing about my son. I have exactly the same problem and don’t know what to do. I even already think about getting a help from psychologist.

April 23, 2020 at 5:52 am

I also have a 15 year old son that we are having a really hard time with. He is fine as long as he gets his way and he doesn’t have to any schoolwork at all. He can be horribly mean and cruel and looks at us with such hate any time we remind him to get on task with his schoolwork. He started therapy right before this pandemic and we have been easier on him by having him only do 2 assignments a day and he still doesn’t want to do that. He feels like he doesn’t need an education to succeed (be a mechanic). It is a constant battle even when we are being nice and giving him incentives. Nothing seems to motivate him or help him. It is like he is in a battle for control with us. If we ask him to do something (clean room even), he just ignores us and doesn’t do it. If we remind him again he is nasty, says we are nagging him, and blames us for every single thing that he does wrong. I need help because I fear his battle of control and this new sense of thinking he is an adult is going to lead to him running away again and just keep getting into trouble. He has always been a sweet boy, but the last 6 months since he started high school is when things changed. He is someone we don’t even know. We took him out of school and put him in virtual school.

October 20, 2018 at 9:25 am

Very useful article. Thanks you

November 23, 2018 at 10:25 pm

Why am I reading it instead of my parents

August 16, 2019 at 9:57 pm

Maybe just try having them read the article. And say mom and dad… This is me reaching out for your help please. Say, I need this. It takes time to work through things but as a family if you ask for help and hopefully they’re willing to give it, things will get better. Your school years go by so quickly… Before you know it you will be out of school and then you make your decisions for the rest of your life from there. Enjoy this time being young! 💚

May 1, 2020 at 11:09 am

November 25, 2018 at 11:15 am

This article is extremely useful for me as I go through the content I can so much relate it to the the situation me and my son are undergoing. Extremely helpful, will be adopting your techniques for sure and as u said how to eat an elephant well!!it implies to me, I am also seeking a mentor for him(son) will soo seek your support. very useful blog👍

December 4, 2018 at 12:05 am

Hi my 15 year old son just refuses to go to school . He says he doesn’t like it or the teachers etc. He just shuts himself away in his room all day coming out only to eat and drink . He doesn’t have any friends only the ones he talks to online when on his PS4 . But I’ve confiscated that whilst he’s not in school . I do think he has no self esteem And the doctor has been out to see him but she doesn’t know what the problem is aswell. He is very rude to me and his father and very disrespectful and he hates his younger sister . We are at our wits end and don’t know what to do ?

April 28, 2019 at 6:17 pm

My son was like this hated school from age 14 he is now 18 and tried self-harming the attempted suicide we had no idea … he was rude disrespectful and selfish and also started self medicating with drugs .. turns out he is a very emotional person who was so anxious and did not know how to manage counselling certainly helped but the road is long and has been painful

January 3, 2019 at 11:36 pm

Thank you for this great info! I have a daughter in 8th grade who hates school and often refuses to go. She’s working with a therapist now which has helped but it’s very slow going. She actually expressed her feelings and ideas in a letter she wrote to get her feelings out. I think it is helpful for parents to see what middle schooler are thinking. I posted it on my blog: http://www.fabulousclassroom.com/2018/11/teenage-anxiety-a-letter-from-my-14-year-old-daughter/

January 13, 2019 at 7:21 pm

In the article and in the comments no one has mentioned bullying. Bullying in schools is the major cause of kids not wanting to go to school and unfortunately the effects of bullying can cause many mental health issues for the victims. Very often children do not want to admit they are being bullied. Very important for parents to take immediate action if they believe their child is being bullied at school. Do not confront the bully or the parents of the bully. Do not expect the school to have a system in place to resolve the problem .If you communicate with the school, document dates and time, whom you have spoken with, all meetings, conversations, you have had on the subject. Educate yourself on bullying. There is an abundance of information on the web.

February 8, 2019 at 12:23 am

Thank you I found your article very insightful and helpful. In my son’s case it is the school/teachers themselves that are the cause of his anxiety and dislike for it. He has additional needs and is expected to conform to their expectations rather than their approach being adapted to suit his abilities. It’s an on-going battle but he isn’t quite at point of refusal thankfully and is fine when at home and will talk to us openly and has a good sense of humour which is key. Enjoying the small things in life helps us cope with the bigger things.

February 25, 2019 at 5:08 am

Thank you so mich. Was feeling so overwhelmed and stressed this morning and found you on google. Off to work and will tackle this after reading your article. It is never an easy road but it helps when someone brings it back to perspective

March 11, 2019 at 4:29 am

Hi While googling, found it very useful. As I tried so many techinques, seemed to work and again fails. We moved last year of middle school. Before to middle school , in another city. He does not like school as feels he can do self study and no.point in going, as learning nothing new except math. I ask gim to make friends, but not many are willing to. I myself observed this in some occasions. We tell him, just few months, highschool will be diff with many opportunities. He likes music editing, video games…says atleast he get to talk to people. I feel bad, as he even tried post school activities, again already have their own groups. he hates hw, bug manages to finish last moment and get good grades. I cant buy him friends. but hoping to get done r months and praying, highschool will have better friends.

March 14, 2019 at 9:15 pm

This all sounds great, but my husband and I have tried pretty much all of these suggestions. Our 15 year old son is failing in school. We try to speak to him in an encouragingtone and don’t yell at him or make demands. He is now lying to us about things and has a very poor attitude about school. I’ve reached out to teachers and feel they see him as a distraction in their classes. At the end of the day, these teachers don’t have time to try to help those who are uninterested and not paying attention. Sad, but true. He isn’t in sports or other activities. He has tried things but we didn’t force him to continue when he became uninterested. So many factors…. he has lost privileges and can only earn them back by showing academic improvement. At this point, we are so frustrated and feel like failures as parents. Our next step is contacting a school counselor. Any thoughts are appreciated……

March 17, 2019 at 3:44 am

What can I do my daughter is 14 and she doesn’t respect me or her stepmother or stepfather or her father she is constantly playing with young children and doesn’t want to learn or do homework and she fails to do small things like help with cleaning or washing dishes I don’t know what to do anymore

May 23, 2019 at 10:13 am

It’s like air being let out of a balloon half way – I’m decompressing a little just seeing her by these comments I’m not alone. My daughter started with anxiety and then depression in grade 8. She’s in Grade 10 now and after 3 different counsellors over 2 years we are now on the 3rd. Fourth change of medication. In Grade 10 now she’s missed about 80% of school year saying it’s anxiety and fear of having an attack. I feel she’s clinging on to the illness as if it’s wanted. She also lies about reasons not to go to school as well. Yesdaterday she wouldn’t go afraid to ask the math teacher when she could right the last missed test (after having 3 hours with a home tutor to prepare) saying she’ll panic. This morning up but wouldn’t go because no internet working in the half an hour before we left home. Excuse after excuse. Rude to younger brother, everything about her, no respect for me or her Dad. Now she’s saying she’s transgender and after everything in the last two years and the fact that this seems so completely out of the blue I don’t know how to parent this child. Do you all think the widespread flux of teen mental illness is a social contagion? Monkey see monkey do? I am at my wits end – I don’t know if I can cope with all of these mood swings and refusal to go more than a day a week (school). My blood pressure is through the roof and my husband and son is sick of this wheel of manipulation and acting 5 years old asked to do something she has no interest in doing like making her own sandwich or going to school. What am I going to do?

August 15, 2019 at 9:43 pm

This article assumes the child is going to school. My child wont get out of the bed and it’s the 3rd day of school in a brand new private school for children with anxiety and learning disabilities that has been purposely designed to be stress free. No homework, and no high stakes tests. It seems very much she is just being defiant and doesnt care how much money this school costs. She wouldnt go to middle school and so we out her in virtal school. She wouldnt do the classes and was kicked out of all but one that she only ended up finishing half of. I obviously haven’t nagged her about attending school because she wasnt in school and by the 3rd day with no nagging at all, no homework, nothing like that, she already refuses to attend. I have done nothing but give her space to make her own choices. This doesnt seem to be working.

September 4, 2019 at 11:32 am

Hi. Just came across this site, which I find very helpful. My son who’s 13 going on 14 in a few months has already stated that he hates school( grade 9). My son has a learning disability and is so worried that he won’t be able to do the work. On top of everything this is a new school where he doesn’t know anyone as yet. He seems very sad and withdrawn. Any anyone has any suggestions please share. Thanks

October 29, 2019 at 4:45 am

I can relate to many of the comments above. My 10th grade son did great in school up to 7th grade. Then he stopped paying attention and doing homework. If we don’t check on a daily basis, his assignments won’t get completed. He will lie to us if we don’t actually check. He is also very disorganized and we do weekly check ins to make sure his binders and folders are organized.

After many conversations and lectures (I now know I shouldn’t lecture) he just told us he doesn’t like school. He doesn’t say why. I’m very open minded and just want to help him but he doesn’t want to open up to me. I’m not sure how to get through to him.

I just want him to have a good happy life. This articles says that I shouldn’t overemphasize the importance of school but how is he going to have a good future without an education.? I don’t expect “A” grades. I just want him to graduate high school. I lowered my expectations so that I don’t put pressure on him but it doesn’t seem to be helping.

My daughter is a straight A student and doesn’t need me to check that she’s up to date on her assignments. I don’t say that in front of them, because I don’t want him to feel bad. I’ve changed jobs and switched to part time so I can be home more too. I’ve done a lot for him and don’t understand why he won’t try to meet me half way.

October 31, 2019 at 12:36 am

Dang, Michelle, I feel like I could have written this! My name is Michelle & I have a 10th grader that also did great up through 7th. He learned to read easily. Teachers like his personality. He has a small but good friend group. (His best friend is in the top of the class & super smart so he hangs out with people that model good grades.) I have been wondering if it’s because he’s an only child so no sibling rivalry to push him but I see your son has a sibling so that doesn’t explain things. I also thought it was a rough transition from middle school to high school & I was glad freshman year was behind him. We’re 2 months into a new school year & he has an F in Honors English from not turning things in. Right now my plan is to meet with the school counselor. I’m setting up hearing & eye tests even though I’m confident that’s not the problem. We’re also willing to do family counseling. I just want him to know we’re not giving up on him. If he makes questionable life decisions as an adult that’s on him. For these next couple years, I’m going to try my best. It’s hard & it makes me feel like a failure. To all the parents on here looking for answers, you’re not alone. Thanks for posting, Michelle!

November 6, 2019 at 9:29 am

My story is very similar to most comments, l have a son who is in grade 9, he refuses to go to school when l ask him why he hasn’t been to school he tells me that school is boring. “When l get ready for school each morning then something tells me not to go then l stay home” thats him telling me. What should l do in this case, please help.

November 8, 2019 at 12:15 am

Very useful article before giving up with my teenage son.

January 2, 2020 at 1:34 pm

I have a 14 year old freshman daughter who is high achieving/gifted. All Honors, small Catholic school her grades near perfect. The issue is she full on hates school and for 3 years has had complete emotional meltdowns about going to school. She cries often and calls school prison for children. It seems mainly stemming from difficulty connecting with kids her age even her friends. She is seeing a psychologist about this but she calls her therapist a waste of time. Alternative options such as home school, cyber school seems either untenable or not as good as her present school. Looking for strategies to help her.

January 12, 2020 at 6:50 pm

I relate to the “school prision” concept because my 15 year old daughter also feels that way. All I can say is that Meditation practice has helped me to stay calm about all this situation and that is very important to be ok as parents so we can help our kids in the best way possible. It is not easy to have this problem and wish all the best to all the parents and kids that are going through this. Great advice in this article. May all be well, happy and peaceful.

January 7, 2020 at 8:04 pm

Would it be a bad idea to share this article with my son as a “restart” on how to deal with this situation together? He is 15 and very reserved.

January 7, 2020 at 8:06 pm

I think that would be worth a try, Theresa. All the best!

January 24, 2020 at 10:39 pm

My 13 year old son is always angry. Tells me he hates school so much and his teachers. He’s not bullied and has lots of friends. I just think he is overwhelmed as he has adhd and always struggled in school. He has no special help which I think he needs, but I live in a small town so there’s no resources available. He’s missed so much school because he gets upset stomachs in the morning before school. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m losing this battle. I try to explain to him that school is important and to just try your best but it doesn’t work.

February 13, 2020 at 5:45 am

Kids are curious and when they want to know the answer to their question they google it. Therefore they don’t have the patience to sit and listen to a teacher yaking about some boring topic They are used to quick fast information coming from there phone, instant gratification. Having to read excessive information, learning math equations that they don’t see themselves using in life feels like a waste of their brain cells. School has become long and daunting ,nothing but high pressure, The result is go to an expensive college and then to try and find a job probably out of state away from family and friends where the wages may not be high enough to purchase a home, nice car or to meet the high prices of today’s economy. The exceptionally smart and gifted will meet those goals. What about the average or below average? Where is the reward?

February 27, 2020 at 11:20 pm

Sad but absolutely true 🙁

February 16, 2020 at 6:30 pm

Teens are have many cross roads to traverse. They’re sort of leaving behind the child that they were and find they now have to walk in another skin/body. My son has lost a lot of interest in school work. It’s just not a big deal to him to hand in projects on time. A secure future is simply not floating in their brain whereas it’s all we as adults think about.

I thought of finding a common ground with him. I’m trying to be interested in his music. It’s the one thing he is vocal about. Funny thing: they have their own perspectives. I hear useless swearing that grates on my nerves and he hears it as the artist emphasising pain or anger etc.

So I bite. I listen. I try to understand and when I don’t… I bite.

Thank you Daniel for my new mantra – elephant, small bites

Maybe the next time I’m about to explode, i’ll visualise him as an elephant

April 30, 2020 at 1:35 am

I’m having the same challenges with my 15 year old daughter. In response to the article and in reading some of the comments here – it’s not fair to assume or to make all parents feel like they’re to blame for their child’s attitude towards school. In reading the comments, it seems like a lot of these parents are thinking they’re the ones doing something wrong . How can any of us be doing something wrong when we are seeking help. It seems like everyone here has tried something to help their kids in one way or another. One answer is not the cure-all for everyone. Kids are being homeschooled, put on medication, taken to hospitals, put in therapy, etc (mine included for all four and then some…) and we should be proud of ourselves for doing what we can to make the situation better. We are helping. We are doing the right thing. If you all can’t see or believe that, then all your attempts at helping your child mean nothing. Just because nothing seems to be working doesn’t mean you’re doing it all wrong.

School (especially high school) is much, much different today than when we went. Teachers don’t care, they bully our kids as much as other students do. It’s amazing how one stupid comment from a higher authority can turn your entire world around. We as adults know how to deal with that, teenagers don ‘t. When one teacher treats a kid like crap, that kid assumes they all do. They feel there’s no one at school they can trust. the school setting is enough to ruin a kid -even honor roll students -social anxiety kills their abilities. That is mental HELL for any kid. That can start the whole ball rolling. Our kids are going to stand their ground and try to get their own way – think back to when you were a teenager. Parents suck and no one’s gonna tell us what to do. No one cares. No one is trying to help (even though we bust our asses to do anything and everything we can). They can’t see that and they won’t until they get older and “grow up”. They won’t talk to us because they think WE won’t understand.

An education is important. It’s drilled into our heads from the time we learn to talk. I think the turning point is when they begin to realize that for themselves. Not everyone is going to college, not everyone is going to be another Bill Gates. That does not mean they’re a failure. But, when they finally realize what they want to get out of life, they’ll realize that they have to work for what they want. I can tell you one thing – a GED makes no difference in anybody’s eyes except your own. You still have to study, you still have to learn. As a matter of fact, it’s harder than going through 4 years of school. It’s more like 4 years crammed into one then taking a big 10 hour test over 2 days time reviewing everything you learned at once. It’s HARD. And if your kid can pull it off, they are smarter than any kid living through hell in a high school setting. What I’m getting at with that is – that kid was ME. I’m 45, I dropped out of school in 10th grade – was being bullied by my peers and teachers. That September I enrolled in a GED class at a community college – spent a year studying – passed my GED with flying colors and graduated high school a year earlier than I would have. Later, I attended that same community college for 2 years, got accepted into a 4 year college, later passed the Bar and I’m currently a Lawyer practicing in New York.I I don’t expect the same from my daughter and I’m not pushing her in that direction just because I did it. She doesn’t even know about it. All I can say is We can just continue what we’re doing – without thinking we’re to blame – knowing that we love our kids and hoping eventually they may get out of this funk. Let’s not kill ourselves trying to do the best we can. “

May 8, 2020 at 1:49 am

I am glad to hear I am not alone in this. My 15 yr old likes going to the school but ditches classes to hang out. Sometimes with friends, sometimes just by herself. She is on anxiety medication because the first semester of this year she was throwing up almost everyday. Now with the virtual school she cannot go a whole week of logging into her classes and participating. It is so frustrating, I have her on a 504 plan for extra help and tools to de-stress but she is not interested in helping herself at all. Her younger sisters are tired of her not having to do school or homework. I am at a loss here to help her.

May 12, 2020 at 11:39 am

My son 17 year a high school senior very rude , selfish and disrespectful to us mean to his brother. He is always in his room and on his phone . Now with this pandemic and everyone staying home I can’t see him like this all day . He is not doing any work posted by teachers almost failing each subject . He thinks school doesn’t matter now that he already admitted in college. My worry is how will he survive in college. Any suggestions to deal this situation.

January 21, 2021 at 3:50 pm

Currently, I am an unemployed school counselor. It’s been a while since I was college counseling for high schoolers. I think it’s easy for some students to assume all is good once they are accepted into their college. You\he might want to look into how the college handles final semester grades. From memory, some colleges may retract the offer to attend based on these “not so good” final grades. Something to look into and think about.

Also, in college there is academic probation keeping students on track. If he wants to graduate, he would not be able to fail courses for very long. Fortunately, there are tutors (even at the college level) that he could have assess to and of course counselors. I always found college to be a very different environment and he will most likely enjoy the experience.

I hope this helps.

May 14, 2020 at 2:05 pm

I kept reading and re-reading some of the entries left here and it just breaks my heart. I also agree with everything Kelly said on April 30th. We have to stop beating ourselves up if we’re doing everything in our power to support our kids. My son is 17 and would be a junior in high school if he were still in a brick and mortar building. My story starts on the last day of 1st grade for him when his teacher said “We’ll have to keep an eye on him, he’s not reading at the first grade level.” I was speechless! I thought “We had parent/teacher conferences all through the school year and she never made it sound that serious”. In 4th grade I took him to an eye doctor who diagnosed him with Dyslexia. Every time I brought it up to his teachers, I was ignored or I was told that they had “checked” him and said he didn’t have Dyslexia, even though I saw it in his school papers. That was my first (enormous) mistake. I trusted the school to be the expert on his education. If someone would have told me that they couldn’t test him for Dyslexia (by law, I found out years later), then I would have taken him to an expert then when he was still young enough to go along with (most of) what we wanted him to do. By the time I realized what had really been going on it was much too late. In reality, he was never taught how to read. Kids/people with dyslexia need to be taught to read with Structured Literacy, not a blend of Traditional Literacy and Structured Literacy that is taught in most schools. It is just too confusing for them. So week after week, month after month and year after year, school just got more and more difficult for him. He always hated school. He was always late getting up and gradually being late more and more often. Finally, by 8th grade, his IEP teacher started teaching him Structured Literacy and he got up to almost grade level in reading for the first time ever in school. When he started Middle School he was reading at 4th grade level. His teacher never told me that she was teaching that – I’m not sure she was supposed to be. We were cautiously optimistic about high school. We worked very hard to make it look like a technical school because the other side of his brain is a decade ahead of his peers. His 1st project vehicle was when he was 15, and he switched out a transmission in a 99 Chevy Blazer with some help from his dad. Most backyard (adult) mechanics would not EVER attempt a project like that. The very first week of 9th grade, his social studies teacher introduced herself as having received a degree in Special Education, that’s why she was hired at that high school – to teach Special Education, and that’s why she was teaching that class. He took it to mean Special Needs and it DESTROYED him. He started refusing to go to school. We were horrified. We told him you can’t do this. Ultimately, it’s against the law. We had no idea what to do. We had meeting after meeting with the teachers and vice-principal all year long. He continued to refuse to go to school. I begged him to just go for his auto tech and wood shop classes. Just go for lunch. Just get in the building. He couldn’t make himself do it. I worked part-time and would get home at 1:15p – 1:30p. He would be laying in the dark in his room just staring at the wall. He wouldn’t be home all day watching tv or playing video games. He wouldn’t come out of his room until his dad left for work at 1:45p.; he works 3p – 11p. Some times when we pushed him to hard to go to school, he wouldn’t eat all day until 9:30p at night. We kept trying to find the right motivation for him to go to school and kept failing. My son learned to drive a skid steer when he was 5 and a pick up truck when he was 7. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t get his license when he was 8. Driving was all he has ever wanted to do. When he was a few weeks away from turning 15, I told him that we needed to see some kind of effort from him to get up in the morning to try to go to school. Even if he didn’t go to school right away, we needed to see some kind of effort from him. I told him that if we didn’t see even the least bit of effort, we didn’t know if we could let him get his permit when he turned 15. I thought this was my ultimate weapon; this was going to be the ultimate factor to get him to make some kind of effort. He thought about it for all of 3 – 5 seconds and said, “Well, we both know that’s not going to happen.” That was the exact moment that I knew that success in school was not about finding the right motivation for him . I was never going to be able to explain that to his school or anyone at school. However, that’s when I got on his side. It was a very fine line between supporting him and trying to run interference with the school. He had texted me several times, that he would rather die than go to school. He texted the same thing to my adult daughter who has been very close to him. (She has a masters degree in psychology). When my son’t best friend texted me asking if he was ok, he was talking about hurting himself, I knew I had to do something else. We tried the following: Seeing a psychologist – this psychologist was a specialist with kids with school issues, my son didn’t make a connection with him, and I couldn’t get him to agree to see another one. The psychologist worked with me to make situations easier to deal with at the time. We had a MRI done – my son used to bang his head on the floor or the wall when he was upset or angry. I wanted to make sure there hadn’t been any unknown damage done. It came back normal. We had Brain Wave testing done. There was certainly some areas of his brain that were very slow at time and very fast at other levels. We still haven’t decided to do the treatment. It’s very expensive and my son has to be willing to do it. We talked to another psychologist/specialist who deals with learning challenges and differences. We did on-line schooling for a year. It was better than going to the brick and mortar, for sure. We started that about 2 months into 10th grade because we got served papers by the school to go to court for truancy. He wouldn’t go to school at the beginning of the school year and this was the only re-course they had apparently. We have not been going to court since October 2018 and it’s still not over. Last October, the court agreed to let him get his GED so he could learn just what he needs to pass the GED. The magistrate told him that it’s now up to him to decide when he wants to get it done. He still isn’t spending any time on it, but the court-appointed Guardian-ad-Litem keeps wanting an update. My battle in that whole situation isn’t over. However, about 4-5 weeks after he started the online schooling, I heard him laugh. I thought to myself, he has a funny little laugh. I kept thinking about it and wondered why it sounded so strange, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard him laugh in over a year and a half! Here is what I’ve decided – Some kids are not cut out for school, our school system is not right for all kids, and unfortunately, schools lack the funding and the general motivation to make fundamental changes. Our kids are growing up in a completely different culture than ANY generation before them. The internet, gives them a world view that no one had before at their age and no way to help them deal with it. Kids are dealing with adult topics and not knowing the first thing about it, or adults aren’t letting them do things that we didn’t do when we were that age. Nothing illegal, obviously, but my son is a great driver. He passed his drivers’ ed classes with flying colors. His first (road) instructor said that is all kids were as good as he was, they wouldn’t have to have a drivers’ ed school. She had to find things to challenge him on his driving test. I think it’s one of God’s cruel jokes that the last part of a kids brain to develop is common sense, logic and reasoning. This doesn’t usually happen till the age of 21, and in boys can be as late as 24. I’m still not laughing… One good book I read was Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax, MD, PhD I don’t know if he will get his GED. I don’t like to think that he won’t, but he’s going to make his own way, and he’s going to be okay. I hear constantly about “famous people” who had dyslexia or struggled in school and hated school and their are quite successful, including Henry Winkler Richard Branson. … Tom Cruise. … Leonardo da Vinci. … Walt Disney. … Jim Carrey. … Albert Einstein – enough said!

Another important thing that happened was he started taking melatonin. He could tell right away that he could get a better night’s sleep. I found a formula that was 2 layers. The first layer helped him get to sleep and the other layer helped him stay asleep. Before melatonin, mornings were horrible. He would just growl at us when we were trying to wake him up for school. Turns out he wasn’t able to get to sleep till about 3am and we were trying to wake him up out of a deep sleep for school. He couldn’t even form a sentence and all he could say was NO! Melatonin made a huge difference.

The most interesting thing that I’ve found recently is a study out of the U.K. that said “School Refusers” (that’s a real term) have often suffered a traumatic event that caused them to feel unsafe, insecure, etc., and when left untreated can be considered PTSD. My son’s event was that teacher in 9th grade 2 1/2 years ago. It destroyed him. His best friend was in the exact same class, with the exact same classes in middle school with the exact same teacher, and the statement that new teacher made didn’t affect him at all. I don’t know why it happened, but it did and I’m just dealing with it. Some times it’s one day at a time, some times an hour at a time because any time that nasty word (school) comes up he retreats, won’t talk to me and we all get the flashbacks, just like PTSD. My son is much happier now. He works on trucks and cars, helps out friends all the time, works for our (elderly) neighbors and helps with afternoon chores at a no-kill animal shelter – feeding horses, cleaning stalls, and much more. He has a girlfriend and works part-time with her dad with construction and snow removal. I don’t know where we’ll end up in court, but I believe that some day some one will influence him to finish his GED. If it’s possible, find out what they love to do and find a way to let them do it. This could take some time because they’ve spent so much time and energy fighting against what make them unhappy that they don’t know what they love to do. The one thing I have always told him is that no matter what – I love him. I also told him that I’m not going to give up on his dream – he wants to be a diesel mechanic and a welder. Even when he told me that he wanted to give up on his dream, I haven’t; I’m just not shoving it down his throat. He’s just not the same as other kids. It doesn’t mean he’s not as good as other kids, but he is better in other ways. I support him in any way I can. I’ve been way outside my comfort zone many time during this journey, but I keep putting one step in from of the other and I’m still standing. I hope this helps some of you to see it from another perspective entirely.

May 28, 2020 at 11:53 am

You said so much of what I wanted to point out. In the entire article above there is no mention of the possibility of learning disabilities. My kiddo is 13 and just drew me the most heartbreaking picture of what school feels like to them… crushing, dark, attacking, joyless. The same kid who spends ten hours learning their first computer animation–motivation is not the problem. We are doing our best for our extraordinary kids in a system that is geared for the most ordinary.

March 24, 2021 at 9:23 am

Wow, you gave me so much to think about. My son is 15 and refusing to go to school. Unfortunately, he had a traumatic event happen to him when he was in 1st grade. I know he has struggled with school for years but until this year, he went to school. Then covid hit and school went online. He has spent the last months refusing to do anything. I’ve had no help from the school, teachers, and psychologist. I think I need to come up with a new plan thanks to reading your letter. Thanks for sharing your story.

September 10, 2022 at 7:29 pm

Kathy, First of all thank you for your words of wisdom. In a desperate moment I started browsing the internet for a miracle answer to all my questions . I wish I could put in writing all my feelings . Basically I am not desperate parent searching for a solution to my son’s lack of desire to attend school and do all his assignments. He is now 15 years old. He seems to be a normal kid in terms of learning ability however there is something that makes him different from most a/b students. My son goes to school simply because he knows he does not have a choice but he totally ignores his assignments without any fear of consequences from the teachers . He has been struggling since elementary school. Back then when he was a little boy I offered my assistance in class to the teachers just to keep an eye on him. At 15 years old in high school the same approach will not happen. He would he mortified if were to show up in class. This weekend the school principal asked to talk to us ( unfortunately I am divorced from his father ). Of course I blame myself and question how much my broken relationship with the father has damaged my son. As a child of divorced parents it must be very difficult to adapt to two completely different household rules and ideas. Bottom line i am the structure and strict parent . My son’s father ( my son adores his father) is the laid back guy without any rules- messy home and free phone and video games ! I tell the school technology has been the major negative contributing factor- my son would stay on the phone watching utube videos all day if he could . Obviously my son has no desire in school. He says he loves to draw but he hates when his art teachers make him draw what they want him to draw. Just like any other parent I want my child to be happy doing whatever makes him happy. Sometimes I feel like society forces all children to go through the school system – not all children are the same. It must be hard for a child to be forced to attend school the same way an adult has to get up evey morning to go to work and do a job they hate. My son is a respectful kid according to all the teachers but they all mention the same thing ” he is a respectful student but it seems that he out there in his own bubble the entire class”

I know some of these comments werw from 2020 which was a very difficult and stressful time . I wonder now how your son is doing two years later. I will read the book mentioned ” Boys” and I also will look for a doctor to do a total check up . Maybe an MRI will show if there is any abnormalities with his brain/ learning abilities. Life is a huge challenge – as a female professional in a make dominated world i have introduced my son to a very wealthy and prestigious career . Of course my dream may not be his dream . At this point I am searching for help trying to figure out how to help him without making him miserable by forcing his to wake up every morning to do something he hates. I pray I pray and I pray. Thank you all for your comments. It makes me feel a little better to know I am not alone in this journey .

May 12, 2023 at 11:09 pm

Kathy, You wrote this in 2020, how is your son doing now? My son sounds very similar. Dyslexia that the school will never recognize, doesn’t do well in school, but loves working on cars, trucks, trailers…anything mechanical. He is a good kid, but we continue to have the same argument over grades! I just don’t know what to do at this point.

June 18, 2020 at 8:41 pm

I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter that has so many signs of depression,anxiety,anger issues,isolation,anxiety, has trouble learning ,hates school, and I recently found out she cut herself for the first time. I have found help here in our town as of yesterday I pray to our Lord they can help I’ve tried and have done all I know how and keep looking for more ways before it’s to late. I’ve never felt so helpless but feeling hopeful.

March 22, 2021 at 12:08 pm

Hi I’m a 13 yr old boy and I have an 11 yr old brother with pda (a type of autism thing, it stands for pathoalogical demand avoidance) and he hates school and hates my little sister who is 6 yrs old. We find that having a dog helps a lot.

April 30, 2021 at 11:01 pm

Very useful commentary. I guess I should just give my son a break and not nag him. But it’s hard when he’s in detention every day and doesn’t do his homework.

The only thing that irked me a bit is “If your teen is exhibiting several of these symptoms, seek help right away.”. I have sought help and there is very little available. We have even paid a small fortune for a private pyschologist assessment which concluded that my teen has ADHD but it hasn’t really changed anything because now we’re waiting for the NHS/CAHMS (UK medical services) to take the next steps, i.e. to figure out whether medication would be of benefit, and prescribing it if so… and it seems to take literally years for them to do anything.

May 2, 2022 at 10:10 am

I agree. “Seek help right away” is useless. Down here in Melbourne AU we have a mental health crisis thanks to all the COVID fear and lockdowns and many counsellors and psychologists aren’t even taking waiting lists they are so overloaded. Having watched my family head down the path of pharmaceutical drugs for my brother’s depression and anxiety I would beg anybody to try a therapeutic approach before putting their child on medication. My brother finally met the right person who got him involved in daily exercise, being in the outdoors and taking mental health vitamins and organic food and it has literally changed his life. There is a guy called Jacques Duff in Melbourne who you can read about. He treats ADHD through diet and hormone balancing. He’s amazing. All the best to you and your family – I really do understand

May 2, 2022 at 10:03 am

My son is now 15 and has hated school since he was 7. I can’t put words to what it’s like trying to support and encourage a child with processing delays, low self esteem and a socially-resistant personality type. Add 2 years of ‘COVID’ hell to the problem and I am now living a daily hell of trying to get him out of bed. He has been “abandoned” by his friends who have moved on during COVID while he was avoiding school in between lockdowns and now I just have a drop out. I am paying AU$40k pa for a private school he hates and doesn’t want to attend but he won’t open his mind to alternative situations either. As a parent it feels like a dead end at every turn when you are dealing with mainstream education. I have lost all trust in the ‘system’ and don’t trust the school counsellor as she ambushed me in a meeting by bringing in other teachers who took notes. My son has no behavioural problems but lots of mental blocks and anxiety. I am so lost. My older child never experienced anything like this and I am a sole parent with nowhere to turn. I’ve tried everything from sports, road trips, art projects, coding camps – you name it, I’ve done it. This child is like a rock who I’m trying to get something out of. I’ve been positive and supportive 9 years but I’m just about ready to collapse with him. None of the teachers care, nobody seems to ‘care’. It’s just a despairing situation with few options living in a backward country like Melbourne Australia

September 17, 2022 at 12:37 am

wow, 15 seems to be the common age for this. Mine is 14 going on 15 in december

My daughters a good girl, always been very smart, well behaved etc. but she’s having anxiety . This pandemic surely didn’t help.

At first I played the good guy, i’ve been nothing but understanding for about 2 weeks as i know anxiety runs in my family. But I’ve tried so many things, i’ve switched to the school she originally wanted to go to…that never worked out so i tried to get her into a school where a bigger crowd of her friends go, but they are full so powerless there.

So I asked the vice principal if they can switch her back to online learning (even though it is offered as mandatory by the school board and when we first went in he gave us the option, funny ), but nope he says my reason wasn’t good enough its only for kids suscepticle to covid — i know she wouldn’t have a huge problem with that, atleast she’d be getting her credits. She didn’t want to do online learning because “none of her friends are anymore” (like if they jumped off a cliff would she ?) but atleast she would be getting her credits !

I’ve also never cared how well she does in her grades as long as she passes, she is the one who gets down on herself if her grades aren’t 70s,80s,90,100s. I always say who cares?you passed, i had a hard time in school too. Nobody likes it.

So not i am calling everywhere, the school board,her old school to try to figure something out. Shes a good girl i hate to see her potential go to waste. Anyway i got fraustrated and decided to play the bad guy which i assume hasnt helped. Not sure what else to do at this point. Hoping the school board will help when they get back to me

March 30, 2023 at 3:06 pm

Our educational system is broken. After reading all of these comments our students are hating school and nothing is being done to help them…I am a retired educator, but I agree with the students on all they are saying and feeling.The tests they are given are just about money in peoples pockets. It is not about our students. I agree with the ones that want to quit school. They have nothing to look forward to. Everyone is an individual and needs to be treated as such. Our schools have become prisons and a very frightening place to have to go daily. If I had a school aged student this day and time that hated school, I would tell them to just attend classes until you can drop out and then do so… I would have them take a sabbatical for a year to 18 months to be able to destress and unwind. Then have them get their GED until the system is fixed…all the students that hate school certainly have a right to…EVERYONE HAS HEARD, IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT…WELL IT IS BROKEN AND NOT ONE PERSON IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT, EXCEPT WATCHING OUR YOUTH LIVING LIKE ZOMBIES ON MEDICATION OR BEING SUICIDAL. GET WHOMEVER THAT CAN BRING ABOUT CHANGE THAT IS NEEDED AND SIT DOWN WITH THEM AND LISTEN AND GET THIS SH!T FIXED…AND I BELIEVE THE STUDENTS WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE BEING BULLIED BY SOME OF THE TEACHERS…AND YOU ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHY OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM IS BROKEN…BEING FISH LEARNING TO CLIMB TREES JUST DOES NOT WORK…IT IS TIME FOR THE ADULTS IN OUR SYSTEM TO CHANGE…IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE A CHANGE…THEN BE THE CHANGE.

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My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

Ten Homework Motivation Strategies for Children and Teens

Use these 10 strategies to end the homework wars..

Posted September 6, 2015 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

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When it comes to homework, parents get burnt out hearing these hollow and suspicious words: "I did it at school," "They didn't give homework today," "It hardly counts for my grade," "My teacher never looks at my homework anyway," "That assignment was optional." As parents, hearing these words is enough to drive you crazy.

As I write in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child , parents must not let their emotions get the best of them when their kids are not getting homework done. The strategies below are for helping your child or teen get unstuck:

• Nix the nagging! Pestering creates an adversarial, shaming dynamic that backfires. Instead, try my Calm, Firm, and Non-Controlling approach. Gently empower your child or teen by supportively saying, "I see that you are frustrated. Let's think of ways to help you get back on track with your homework/schoolwork."
• Encourage effort over perfection. Be mindful that kids tend to get intimidated when they have a hard time understanding material. They may get into negative self-talk like, "I can't do this." Even if they're truly thinking this way, parents may instead hear comments like, "I hate this." or "This is stupid." Remind your child or teen that doing his best effort is better than not doing it at all.
• Prioritize. Coach and encourage that the order that homework is done based on urgency, complexity, and workload. At the same time, realize that some students do better by starting with easier tasks and that this can help spark them to tackle more demanding assignments.
• Break it down. Reinforce breaking up homework time into manageable chunks and encourage taking regular breaks. Encourage moving around and walking away for a bit. Remind that an apple really does provide the same effect, and is healthier than an energy drink.
• Think "15 minutes of pain." Have the student set a timer for only 15 minutes. Keep it lighthearted and explain that even if it "hurts" doing the work, she can stop after 15 minutes. Like most things in life, once we push ourselves and get going, it's not so bad.
• Don't be consequence ravenous. Imposing consequences for homework not being done can backfire with defiant behavior. If you use consequences, don't present them with yelling. Keep them reasonable and ask the student to help you be able to move towards rewards (don't go overboard) and minimize consequences. Remember that real, natural consequences are the best motivators.
• Encourage connection. Encourage the student to make or re-establish a connection with his teacher. I have seen hundreds of kids "shoot themselves in the foot" with incomplete homework if they don't have a decent relationship with their teacher.
• Change up the homework/study surroundings. Try putting an inspirational poster by the desk, moving to a different room, or silencing the cell phone. New changes can create more changes.
• Use those study halls. Encourage the use of them as much as possible. Some kids lose sight of that more done at school, means less to do at home.
• Allow for some fun. Notice if your student is racing through the homework just to have fun. Fun time like, TV, phone time, or surfing the web, is welcome, but make sure you put limits on it.

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

By janet lehman, msw.

For many parents, getting their kids to do their homework is a nightly struggle. Some kids refuse to do their homework. Others claim that they don’t have homework, but then the report card comes out, and you realize that their work was not being done.

So why is homework time so difficult? In my opinion, one of the major reasons is that it’s hard for kids to focus at home. Look at it this way: when your child is in school, they’re in a classroom where there aren’t a lot of distractions. The learning is structured and organized, and all the students are focusing on the same thing.

But when your child comes home, their brain clicks over to “free time” mode. In their mind, home is a place to relax, have a snack, listen to music, and play video games. Kids simply don’t view the home as the place to do schoolwork.

If the homework struggles you experience are part of a larger pattern of acting out behavior, then the child is resisting to get power over you. They intend to do what they want to do when they want to do it, and homework just becomes another battlefield. And, as on any other battlefield, parents can use tactics that succeed or tactics that fail.

Regardless of why your child won’t do their homework, know that fighting over it is a losing proposition for both of you. You will end up frustrated, angry, and exhausted, and your child will have found yet another way to push your buttons. And, even worse, they will wind up hating school and hating learning.

A major part of getting your child to do their homework lies in establishing a system so that your child comes to see that homework is just a regular part of home life. Once they accept that, you’ve already won half the battle. Accordingly, my first few tips are around setting up this system. If you get the system right, things tend to fall into place.

Put this system in place with your child at a time when things are calm and going well rather than during the heat of an argument. Tell your child that you’re going to try something different starting next week with homework that will make it go better for everyone. Then explain the system.

You’ll find that this system will make your life easier as a parent, will make you more effective as a parent, and will help your child to get the work done. And when your child gets their work done, they’re more likely to succeed, and nothing drives motivation more than success.

Structure the Evening for Homework

When your kids come home, there should be a structure and a schedule set up each night. I recommend that you write this up and post it on the refrigerator or in some central location in the house. Kids need to know that there is a time to eat, a time to do homework, and also that there is free time. And remember, free time starts after homework is done.

Homework time should be a quiet time in your whole house. Siblings shouldn’t be in the next room watching TV or playing video games. The whole idea is to eliminate distractions. The message to your child is, “You’re not going to do anything anyway, so you might as well do your homework.”

Even if your child doesn’t have homework some nights, homework time should still mean no phone and no electronics. Instead, your child can read a book or a magazine in their room or work on longer-term assignments. Consistently adhering to the homework time structure is important to instill the homework habit.

Start the Evening Homework Habit When Your Kids are Young

If your children are younger and they don’t get homework yet, set aside quiet time each evening where your child can read or do some type of learning. Doing so will help children understand that evening quiet and study time is a part of everyday home life, just like chores. This habit will pay off when the real homework begins.

Use a Public Place for Homework

For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake. Many children need your presence to stay focused and disciplined. And they need to be away from the stuff in their rooms that can distract them.

You know your child best. If you think they’re not being productive in their room, then insist they work at the kitchen table or in some other room where you can monitor them and where there will be fewer distractions.

If they do homework in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around. Take the phone and laptop away and eliminate electronics from the room during study time. In short, you want to get rid of all the temptations and distractions.

Give Breaks During Homework Time

Many kids get tired halfway through homework time, and that’s when they start acting up. If your child is doing an hour of homework, have them take a 5-minute break every half-hour so that they can get up, have a snack, and stretch their legs. But don’t allow electronics during the break—electronics are just too distracting.

Monitor the break and ensure that your child gets back to work promptly.

Be sure to encourage your child when they’re discouraged. It’s okay to say things like:

“I know it’s a drag, but think of this—when you get your work done, the rest of the night is yours.”

“Look, if you do your work all week, you’ll have the whole weekend to do what you want.”

Show your child empathy—how many of us truly enjoyed homework every night? It’s work, pure and simple. But your child will be encouraged when they begin to have success with their work.

Help Your Child Get Started With Their Homework

Some kids have a hard time getting assignments started. They may be overwhelmed or unsure where to begin. Or the work may seem too difficult.

There’s a concept I explain in The Total Transformation® child behavior program called hurdle help . If you have a child who has a hard time getting started, spend the first five minutes with them to get them over the first couple of hurdles. Perhaps help them with the first math problem or make sure they understand the assignment.

For many kids who are slow starters, hurdle help is very effective. This doesn’t mean you are doing their homework for them—this is simply extra help designed to get them going on their own.

Help Your Child Manage Long-Term Assignments

If your child has a big, long-term project, then you want to work with them to estimate how much time it’s going to take. Then your child has to work within that time frame. So if your child has a science project, help them manage and structure their time. For instance, if the project is due in 30 days, ask them:

“How much time are you going to spend on it each night?”

They might say, “15 minutes a night,” and you hold them to that.

Don’t assume that your child knows how to manage their time effectively. As adults, we sometimes take for granted the habits we have spent a lifetime developing and forget that our kids are not there yet.

Make Sunday Night a School Night

The way that I structure the weekend is that Sunday night is a school night, not Friday. So if your child has homework for the weekend, and as long as they’re done all their work for the past week, they get Friday and Saturday night off and can do their homework on Sunday night.

If there’s a project or something big to do over the weekend, then work with your child to budget their time. They may have to put some time in on Saturday or Sunday during the day. But other than that, your child should have the weekend off too, just like adults do.

The Weekend Doesn’t Begin Until Overdue Work Is Done

If your child has overdue homework, their weekend shouldn’t begin until those assignments are done. In other words, Friday night is a homework night if their week’s work is not complete.

Believe me, this is a highly effective consequence for kids because it creates a great incentive to get their work done. Indeed, each minute they’re doing homework is a minute they could be hanging out with friends or playing video games.

If you can hold to this rule once and deal with the complaining, then next week the homework will be done.

By the way, if they say they can’t do their homework because they didn’t bring their school books home, they should be grounded for the weekend. You can say:

“I don’t want to hear that you can’t do it because you don’t have your books. You’d better call around and find a friend who you can borrow them from. Otherwise, you’ll be staying in this weekend.”

Make Homework a Higher Priority Than Activities

Kids are involved in a lot of after school activities these days. I understand that. But my priority has always been “homework comes first.”

In my opinion, if the homework isn’t done on Monday, then your child shouldn’t go to football on Tuesday. It’s fine if he misses a practice or two. You can say:

“Here’s the deal. We’re not going to football today. You need to get your work done first.”

If your child says, “Well, if I miss a practice, I’m going to get thrown off the team,” You can say:

“Well, then make sure your work is complete. Otherwise, you’re not going to practice. That’s all there is to it.”

I personally don’t put football, soccer, or any other extracurricular activities above homework and home responsibilities. I don’t believe parents should be going from soccer to karate to basketball with their kids while homework and school responsibilities are being neglected.

Use Rewards for Schoolwork, Not Bribes

Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. Nevertheless, it’s important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering an incentive for getting good grades. For instance, my son knew that he would get a certain reward for his performance if he got all B’s or above. The reward was an incentive to do well.

One of the shortcuts we take as parents is to bribe our kids rather than rewarding them for performance. It can be a subtle difference. A reward is something that is given after an achievement. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with them over something that is already a responsibility.

If you bribe your child to do their homework or to do anything else that is an expected responsibility, then your child will come to expect something extra just for behaving appropriately. Bribes undermine your parental authority as kids learn that they can get things from you by threatening bad behavior. Bribes put your child in charge of you.

The appropriate parental response to not meeting a responsibility is a consequence, not a bribe. A bribe says, “If you do your homework, I will extend your curfew by an hour.” In contrast, a consequence says, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re grounded until it’s finished.” Never bribe your kids to do what they’re expected to do.

Use Effective Consequences

When giving consequences, be sure they’re effective consequences. What makes an effective consequence? An effective consequence motivates your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be successful.

An effective consequence looks like this:

“If you fall below a B average, then you can no longer study in your room and must study at the kitchen table until you get your average back to a B.”

For the child who prefers to study in their room, this is an effective consequence.

Another effective consequence would be the following:

“If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.”

And the next day, your child gets to try again to earn the privilege of electronics. Short-term consequences like this are very effective. Just don’t take away this privilege for more than a day as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.

For more on consequences, read the article on how to give effective consequences to your child .

Be Prepared to Let Your Child Fail

Failure should be an option, and sometimes you just have to let your child fail . Parents often do their kids a disservice when they shield them from the consequences of their actions. If your child chooses not to study enough and they get a failing grade, that’s the natural consequence for their behavior. And they should experience the discomfort that results from their behavior.

Let me be clear. If you interfere and try to get your child’s teacher to change their grade, your child will learn the wrong lesson. Your child will learn that if they screw up enough, Mom and Dad will take care of them. And they don’t learn their math or science or whatever it is they failed.

To be sure, failing is a hard lesson, but it’s the right lesson when your child fails. And it’s not the end of the world. In fact, for many kids, it’s what turns them around.

Don’t Fight with Your Child Over Homework

Don’t get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don’t do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child:

“Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.”

Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. Again, it’s important not to get sucked into fights with your child. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. If your child refuses to do his or her work, then calmly give the consequence that you established for not doing homework.

Also, trying to convince your child that grades are important is a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do. The truth is, they don’t typically think that way. To get your child to do homework, focus on their behavior, not their motivation. Rather than giving a lecture, just maintain the system that enables them to get their work done. Often, the motivation comes after the child has had a taste of success, and this system sets them up for that success.

Stay Calm When Helping Your Child With Their Homework

It’s important to be calm when helping your child with their homework. Don’t argue about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and won’t help them get the work done. It’s better to walk away than it is to engage in an argument, even when you’re just trying to be helpful.

For couples, it may be that one of you is more patient and acceptable to your child. Let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. And don’t take it personally if it isn’t you.

Remember, if you can’t stay calm when helping your child, or if you find that your help is making the situation worse, then it’s better not to help at all. Find someone else or talk to the teacher about how your child can get the help they need. And try not to blame your child for the frustration that you feel.

It’s Your Child’s Homework, Not Yours

Remember that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself; your job is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s job to do their assignments. And it’s the teacher’s job to grade them.

Know the Teachers and the Assignments

Build good relationships with your child’s teachers. Meet with the teachers at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationships with your child’s teachers will pay off if your child begins to have problems.

And if your child does have problems, then communicate with their teachers weekly. If they’re not handing in their work on time, ask the teachers to send you any assignments that they didn’t get done each week. Many schools have assignments available online, which is a big help for parents. Just don’t rely on your child to give you accurate information. Find out for yourself.

The bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work, and you can only do that if you know what the work is. If you keep yourself informed, then you won’t be surprised when report cards come out.

Work with your child on a system to keep track of assignments. I recommend an old-fashioned paper calendar simply because we already have too many distracting electronics in our lives—experiment and use what works best for your child.

Finally, try to see your child’s teachers as your allies. In my experience, most teachers are dedicated and caring, but I realize that this isn’t always the case. So, for your child’s sake, do your best to find a way to work with their teachers.

If You Think Your Child Might Have a Learning Disability

Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may struggle. If your child is having an especially hard time, talk with their teacher. Ask if it’s typical for your child to be struggling in this area.

In some cases, the teacher may recommend testing to see if your child has a learning disability. While this can be hard to hear as a parent, it’s important to find out so that you can make the necessary adjustments.

If it turns out that your child does have a learning disability, then you want to get an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) set up with the school.

Most kids don’t enjoy homework, and for some, it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders.

I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It was overwhelming at times. Often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed.

Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work feel unending at times. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility. But even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives, and our expectations to make sure our son did his homework as expected.

Life would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down, and dug into their homework without being asked. This is hardly the case, though. Therefore, you need to set up a system that is right for your child, and it’s going to be easier for some kids than for others.

We’re trying to raise our kids to be responsible and accountable for their homework. And we’re trying to avoid fighting with them over it every night. When I had parents in my office, I would take these concepts and show them how they could make it work for their families in their own homes. The families I worked with were able to turn the nightly homework struggle around successfully time and time again.

Related content: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program , The Complete Guide To Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ .

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Hello, my grandson recently moved with me from another state. He is currently in 8th grade (but should be in 9th). He basically failed the last 2 years and was promoted. I would say he is at a 6th grade level. It's a daily fight with him to do his homework. He won't even try. I know a lot of this is because no one has ever made him do his homework before. I thought he would just have to get in a routine of doing it. He's been in school for a month now and its a fight every single day after school. I have lost all the patience I had. I am tired of being a broken record and being the "bad guy". I don't want to give up on him and send him back to his mom, where I know he will never graduate. I have made so many sacrifices to get him here, but I am literally at my wits end with this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

My rule is homework after school. If he comes home and does his homework after school, it was easier for him to complete. That lasted a week and a half. Now, he just sits there and does nothing. Does anyone have any suggestions? I couldn't live with myself if I sent him back and he became nothing but a drop out. I know I am not one to have patience, and I am trying but at the same time, I am almost over it. I don't like going to bed crying and knowing that he is crying too. I am open to all suggestions. Please and thank you.

I'm so sorry you are facing these struggles with your grandson. We here from many caregivers in similar situations, so you're not alone in your frustration. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for managing these homework struggles, which can be found here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/school-homework/

We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

Jessicar Thank you for this article and strategies. I echo many of the frustrations expressed by other parents here, including my opinion (as an educator) that homework should not exist. I agree that teachers and parents are in a struggle about which adult is responsible for supporting the child in getting More homework done. The best thing for my son was a free "homework club" in fourth and fifth grade where a teacher monitored completion of homework. He has nothing like this in middle school so far. Where I really disagree with the article is about extracurricular activities. Kids need physical activity through sports! They need enrichment beyond academics through the arts, theater, music. Many families send their children to religious, language, and/or cultural programs after school. If I sat in school all day, I'd want to move my body and interact with others too. The solution is not removing extracurricular activities that are healthy or motivating or valued. The solution is for schools to limit homework. Given that there is still homework as a reality--I'd like advice on when to have child do homework AFTER sports or extracurricular activity. When is the best time for homework if the goal is to go to bed on time (in my house in bed around 9 pm)? Between extracurricular and dinner--when the kid is tired? After dinner? My child is in 7th grade and I still can't figure it out. What do others do/think?

I found school to be extremely boring, as a teen. Looking back I realize that I hadn't found the work challenging enough. Personally, I struggled with this all through high school. I was completely disinterested in school, as a result.

I noticed that there wasn't a section addressing situations where children, who are motivated by challenges, do poorly as a result of boredom.

I enjoy reading many of the articles; even those which don't necessarily apply to my current situations with my child. One never knows what obstacles or challenges one may come across. Thank you

Here's what I know. Correcting our children when their behavior is displeasing is what most parents focus on. Without a lot of explanation I'm going to try to get you to change your focus. All children have 4 emotional needs:

1. A sense of belonging

2. A sense of personal power

3. To be heard and understood

4. Limits and boundaries

Rather than focus on your child's behavior, focus on meeting these needs. Meet the needs, change the behavior. There a 25 ways to meet these needs. One of the most effective is to spend regular one-on-one time with your child doing what your child wants to do. How do you spell love? T-I-M-E. It seems counter-intuitive, but just try it for a week. Do this for 1/2 hour every day for a week. See what happens.

Frustrated Confused Parent, I went through similar challenges with my son when he was in high school. As a grade school student his grades were always B and higher. The changes began when his mother and I separated; my son was 12yo. Prior to our separation I was the one who maintained, and enforced the habit of completing his assignments before extracurricular activities could be enjoyed. His mother never felt she had the patience or intelligence to assist him with his homework assignments and upon our separation she completely ignored his school work. Although he continued to follow the structure I had established through grade school, he soon began to realize that no one was showing interest any longer and, thus, began shirking school related responsibilities. My son and I were, and still are, close. I am certain that the separation likely had some affect on him, but it was more than that. He was reaching his teens and becoming more self-aware. Friends began to play a more integral and influential part in his life. Unfortunately my son's grades began slipping as he reached his early teens. For me, this was extremely frustrating since I was aware of how intelligent he was and of what he was capable. After many aggravating, lengthy, heated, and unyielding conversations with his mother about maintaining the structure established through grade school, it became clear she was incapable or simply unwilling. Essentially, he was on his own. Of course I would do whatever I could to help. For starters, I facilitated a transfer to a Charter School, realizing that he needed more individualized attention than that which a public school could provide. It seemed as though he was getting 'lost in the shuffle'.

Unfortunately the damage had already been done. After two years under his mother's lack of tutelage my son had developed some poor habits.

He struggled with maintaining good grades throughout his high school career. By 'maintaining good grades' I mean that he would take a grading of 45 in math and bring it to a 70 within three weeks of the end of a marking period. He ALWAYS passed, though. He would somehow get his grades to or even above passing by the end of the period. As I began to see this, I began to have more faith knowing that when the going got tough he would step up and take charge. It also indicated that he did well with what might perceive as an impossible goal. So, I started to have faith that he'd find his way.

He has since graduated, he has a good-paying job, and he is beginning school to become an electrician within the next month or so. In two weeks he moves into his own apartment, also. He's never done drugs, never drank alcohol, and never started smoking cigarettes. All of which I have done as a teen and well into my adult years. I am in recovery. My son is aware of my own struggles. Most importantly, I believe, is that he has a complete understanding that we all struggle in our own ways. Working through the difficulties, challenges, and obstacles are what makes us stronger and it's our compassion for others, and ourselves, which help us grow into decent adults.

I came to realize that the 'grades' he received in school had nothing to do with the amazing adult he's become; it was literally everything else.

NanaRound2 My 6 year old grandson has just taken 2 hours to write a list and write 3 sentences. He thinks if the words were shorter it wouldn't take so long. Already went through this with his dad. I celebrated more than he did when he graduated. Can't drag More another kid through school. Losing my mind and like the previous comment have tried EVERYTHING.

Yeah -been there, done that. Doesn't work. At least not for my child. I've read every *actual* parenting book out there ( You know, the books publishes by Harvard & Stanford professors who've been studying parenting and child psychology for the past 30 years?) ... and you're all missing something - because I've tried it all.

My kid DGAF. This was almost painful to read. "oh, yup - tried that one. That one too. Oh, hey - I've tried that as well."

This is so frustrating; tell me something I haven't already tried 50 times.

Psych Fan I'm with you my sophomore son DGAF . I tried so much stuff even set time stuff and he just doesn't go get his work out. He's 5'9 so I am 5'1 and I can't move him to do stuff . All he does is debate with me that More Grades really don't matter that he's like I'm just going to get D's because I'm not going to care to do better because I do not like school. He doesn't understand why I don't approve of D grades because I know he has better potential but he's like D grades I will pass and get my diploma .

The first thing on the list is to try and stay calm. While doing homework with my children I'm usually very calm. When I do get frustrated I'll leave the room for a moment, wash my face, and take a few deep breaths until I calm down. Or I'll make hot chocolate to help calm my nerves. It's not a perfect system, but what is?

Number two is to set clear expectations around homework time and responsibilities. We have a standard homework time at our house, with a timer and everything. If our kids meet the homework time goal they'll be rewarded later in the evening with family time. Each of our kids know their roles and responsibilities in the house whether the work gets done before dinner or not.

Number three is a relationship with the teachers, each of whom e-mail us, some two or three times a day. Contact with them has never been better. They're teachers are all pretty awesome too.

Number Four, play the parental role most useful to your child...I have three kids. One needs no help at all, one needs minor help and advisement, while the third requires constant supervision or their e-mail might 'accidentally' open up. This we've provided through double teaming. One parent works with them until the other gets home, then they switch while the other goes to make dinner.

Five, keep activities similar with all your kids. We all live on the same schedule, if one of them finishes homework early they get the reward of extra quiet reading time-my kids are ALL book worms.

Six, Set up a structured time and place for homework. Done. Homework table with a supplies basket right in the middle of the room. Big enough for all of them to work at and then some, it's an octagonal table which my husband built. I also always have their 'homework snacks' waiting for them when they get home, and I usually try to make it healthy-even if they don't realize it.

Seven, start early. My kids have been doing 'homework' with me since they were babies, and (as I pointed out to them yesterday) they loved it. We'd learn about cooking, dinosaurs, amphibians, insects, math, English, chemistry, even the periodic table came up. We'd do work pages every day and they'd love it.

Eight, hurdle help, works in area's like math, but not so much with history or English when the problems aren't as straight forward. But we do use this method where it applies.

Nine, choose the best person for the job. I'm best at English and my husband at math. When I get stuck on math I know who to go to, and I'll even study in my spare time to get better at it so I can be more useful in case he has to work late. That being said, we both devote a lot of our time to helping our kids with their homework.

Ten, show empathy and support. Done, not only can I relate to my kids, but I've pointed out that not getting their work done will make them feel bad bad enough, and that that's why we should work on getting it done together, so they have something to be proud of.

Use positive reinforcement and incentives. :) There was this one time I sat my son down at a table with a work book about 400 pages long. He was young, not even in school yet. Next to the book I placed a giant bag of M&Ms. I told him for every page he got done, he could have one m&m. About ten minutes later he finished the workbook and grinned up at me. When I found out he'd finished the book, I quickly checked it to see if it was done well, and then pushed the bag of M&M's towards him and told him he could just have it...Now they get rewarded in video games and computer time...

It seems that according to this article I'm doing everything right...So why is my child still struggling with homework/classwork? They've literally just refused to do it. Have seriously just sat in their chair without saying a word and stared at the table, or desk, or screen- as the majority of work is now done on computers...I'll sit with them, ask them if they need help, try to help them with problems. They will tell me the right answer to the questions being asked and then refuse to write it down. I feel like I've done everything I can as a parent to help them, but despite all my efforts, it isn't working. So...when all of these things fail, when a parent has done everything right, and there is nothing more they can do short of taking the pen or pencil into their own hands and doing it themselves, (but that would be cheating their child out of an education) what then should the parents do?

When our kids don't get their homework done before dinner, they're sent down the hall where it's quiet so they can finish it at the desk there, while the other kids have family time. They are told to come and get us if they really need help after that. But at this point it's like ostracizing our child for not doing homework.

I agree with most of what's on this page, and our family lifestyle reflects that, but I will disagree with one thing it said. It is our job to help our kids and be supportive of them yes, to nurture them and help them get the skills they need to take care of themselves and their home when they're older...but it is not our job to do the teachers work for them, they get paid for that. Some days it seems like that's what's expected of parents. Some even send home classwork if the kids don't finish it in class. Which means the child now has even more work to do on top of their homework. Though I understand that the teachers want the child to finish the lesson, and were the homework not a factor I probably wouldn't mind it as much. I don't even mind them sending home study guides to help kids before tests (Which is what homework was originally) but to send home overwhelming piles of work each night for parents to help kids with, (Each child with different homework so that parents need to bounce from history, to math to English) it's unreasonable. When teachers send home homework, they're dictating what the parents can do with the little time they have with their child. Which is wrong. We once had to cancel a trip to a science museum because our child had too much homework to finish and there was no way to make it in time and get their homework done. They could have had an amazing educational experience which would overall help them get excited about learning with new and fun tactile experiences, but their schedule (and therefore our schedule) was being dictated by the teacher while they weren't even in class. Of course I try not to talk bad about homework in front of my children, because that would make it even more difficult to get them to do it. But children NEED family time, they NEED to be kids. To be allowed to get away from their work and be themselves, to go outside and play with their friends, or even go out to dinner once in a while with their parents. Homework has made it difficult to grow a relationship with our children beyond the confines of what the teachers are dictating. It's violating in some ways and frustrating in others. It's grown into this monstrous thing which it was never meant to become, and the funny part about it is that most studies done on it show that schools who don't have homework have higher test scores and graduation rates. Not to mention better mental health rates. Studies also show, that after a child is taught something, they'll only really learn it after a good nights sleep, and that no amount of homework will change that. Sleep is what our bodies need to absorb important information we learn throughout the day, so staying up late with homework might even be harmful to a child's education...

Sorry I guess that turned into a bit of a rant...In the end I was hoping to find something useful in this article, something I hadn't tried that might work, but I've done it all, and will probably continue to do all of it in hopes that consistency might be the key...It's just that even after years of already doing All of this consistently, it's still not working. It's as if my child has made a conscious decision Not to work. He's not unintelligent, he understands it, he's even been tested and found to have an above average ability to learn. He just not doing it..So what now? What more can I do to actually inspire him to do the work?

AshumSmashum Out of all of this, most of which I've read and tried a billion times, your comment hit deeper. My son scores in the 99% on tests but cannot sit down and do the simplest homework. He does have autism and adhd so when he freezes up on homework, despite More knowing it, I'm lost at how to help him get it done. He knows the work so why does he need to show it with 20 math problems after school that take forever to complete one? (whatever honors algebra stuff he's in, I was lucky to learn division lol) He has a high IQ and excels in all subjects and yet is being tutored, so far, in English just to get the work done. I'm so done with the emotional toll it takes on me and him at home. Nobody wants to go to work for 8 hours and come home and do the same for another 5 so why do we think our kids want to come home and do more classwork? I'm so appreciative of your comment!

JC Hi Barb, thank you for bringing this up! My son sounds a lot like you...and he really wants to get good grades and go to an Ivy League school. What could someone do to help an 8th grader in the moment of struggle, while making sure they don't get more More anxious from falling behind for the rest of the year?

Tb Hi Barb, I'm the parent of an 8th grader and I want to thank you for the comment you left here. You helped me look at the deeper issues and I really appreciate that. I'm going to approach the conversation with my son differently, thanks to you. Thank More you!

My 11 year old daughter, Alice, has always helped her 7 year old sister, Chole, with homework. But just recently Alice has been giving Chole the wrong answers. We have been trying to get her to give Chole the correct answers

but she always yells at us. She has a baby sister 2 months named Ray and ever since Ray was born she has been giving Chole wrong answers. I once overheard her and Kevin, my husband, talking about how she felt left out. She came and talked to me and said exactly what she had told Kevin. She also told me she has been getting bad grades and doesn't get her homework. Me and Alice talked and she said "All the cool New York girls get straight A's and ever since I started getting D's and F's they said I wasn't cool anymore." We started having her grandparents come over and she would yell, hit, scream, and talk back to them. She is a great student but she spends all of her time on her phone. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even at school she is on her phone. All I'm asking is that 1. How do I make her stop screaming, yelling, hitting, and back talking? 2. How do I make her feel cool and get A's again?and 3. How do I get her off her phone?

sounds like you have a number of concerns around your daughter’s behavior, and

it certainly can feel overwhelming. We would suggest https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/ and focusing on just one or two of the most serious, to get

started. Behaviors like verbal or physical abuse would be of top priority,

while behaviors like https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-walk-away-from-a-fight-with-your-child-why-its-harder-than-you-think/ we would recommend ignoring, and not giving it any power or control.

Empowering Parents author Sara Bean offers some great insight into the reason

for poor child behavior in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/.It sounds like your daughter is struggling to

find more effective ways to solve the problems she is facing, and the result is

the acting out behavior. Keep in mind, you can’t make your daughter do anything, but what you can do is help her to

learn better tools to solve whatever problems may come her way. Best of luck to

you and your family as you continue to work on this.

Emma Reed Alice also swears at school and she swears to teachers. Please we have tried everything, even her sister at age 18. What have we done wrong?

Being away from loved ones when they are struggling can be

distressing. It may help to know that it’s not unusual to see changes in

behavior as kids move from the tweens into adolescence, as Janet Lehman

explains in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/adolescent-behavior-changes-is-your-child-embarrassed-by-you/. Normally responsible

kids can start to push back against meeting expectations and disrespect towards

parents and other authority figures can become quite common. The behavior you

describe isn’t OK; it is normal though. I can hear how much you want to help

your daughter and granddaughter

work through these challenges. If your daughter is open to it, you could share

some Empowering Parents articles with her, such as the one above and this one, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you writing in. Best of luck to you and your family moving

forward. Take care.

mphyvr Thanks for all these "strategies", they might work for some parents, but quite simplistic and just plain old common sense for more defiant kids... Thanks anyways and hope this article helps many.

Psych Fan I'm a mom of a sophomore he's also a swearing boy and will have quite a tantrum even with consequences of take away all he does is sleep. He doesn't like school says school is a waste of time and that grades won't matter in his adulthood . He says More it over n over about how schooling won't help him in the future as I go it will help you do good on a ACT and SAT he is like getting good scores on those are only good if your going to college. He also is like jobs won't look at my grades . I tell him homework teaches him responsibility once a job sees your amount of effort in school your going to have a heck of time getting hired. I even ask him how is he going to succeed to work real well at a job when he doesn't work hard at school he goes I don't need to work hard at school but I will need to work hard at a job.

dcastillo68 If it was only this simple, but, in reality it is not.  Middle school syndrome is the worst.  Kids don't want to be labeled as nerds so they do everything to try to fail.  I went through that with my first born, and now again with my youngest.  It is More very frustrating when I was the total opposite when I was growing up.  I cared about my grades an I took it for granted thinking they will feel the same way.  Now seeing how they are happy with just getting by is really frustrating to me because I am such an over achiever.  They didn't even get an ounce of this.  Very very frustrating.  And I wish I have never invited video games to this household.  That is all they want to do.  I keep using this an incentive to bring them back on track, but as soon as I give them their games back, they are back to their old habits.  Sorry, but I can't wait until they are finished with school and hopefully moving out of state to hopefully a college career.  I may change my mind later, but at the moment, this is just how I feel.  It is very hard too when you don't get any help.  I find today's teacher to be lazy and pushing on more responsibility to the parents.  Who has time to do a full day's of work, only to do additional work at home?  okay, enough venting.

@frustrated single dad Diane Lewis Hi there - I have a son adopted out of foster care.  He is 6 1/2 and has been in 5 homes.  He is totally the same!  They learn this behavior and are incredibly manipulative.  They are so insanely smart.  I worry about exactly the same thing.  They turn on and off the behavior depending on who they are with and what they want.

We did Parent Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) at the Mailman Center (Jackson Hospital Miami).  It made a huge difference in the short-term.  They basically taught us to be full-time behavioral therapists with my son.  The effects wore off after a few months as my son adapted and found ways to circumvent the consequences techniques taught to us.  He is like the Borg!  I am going back to get more ideas on how to adapt and change and stay one step ahead of my son.  The gals there are really smart!

So, that being said - we have to be Jean Luc Picard and constantly change and adapt and outsmart them - just like changing the phasers on a laser gun!  It is bloody hard work.  And, harder the older they get -

eg.  He drops like a dead weight - throws his book bag and will not get in the car to go to school - response - next morning I headed it off by calling out to the kids "LAST ONE IN THE CAR IS A ROTTEN EGG!"  This has worked for 2 days now.  

Wont do homework 2 nights ago - response - "ooh I like doing word puzzles - Im going to do them and win" - this worked one night but not the next - he just then just left me to do his work - so I have told his teacher that there will be no school party for Alex next week unless he gets his homework finished - we will see if this works.....

It is totally exhausting and you have to be on your A game all the time.  Im telling you this but - I have to tell myself this too.  We have to stay really fit (like cross fit) and work out like a marine.  We have to be very disciplined with ourselves - a healthy body is a healthy mind - we cannot let up at all.  We have to stay calm at all times (again self discipline).  

Im always looking for concrete reactions to situations with my son.  Like I said - the entire day goes on like this with everything except what he wants to do.  Wont get dressed in the morning - put out his clothes in dining room where there are no distractions or toys - tell him that if he gets dressed and ready for school quickly - he can spend the left over time on the trampoline.  That worked this morning.

STAY STRONG MY BROTHER IN ARMS!!!  If you can get into a PCIT program - do it.

Love to you - R

My child comes home and says he doesn't have homework, does something easy to make it look like he's doing his homework, or says he did it during free time in class.  How do you combat this without going to the school everyday?  Neither my husband nor I can do More this because of work, and the we asked the teacher's if it was possible to send us the assignments via email or let us come pick them up once a week with no cooperation.  He is a very smart kid and gets "A's' on the work he does, but he is failing all of his core classes because he won't do homework.

@atmywitsend  , my child is the same way.  I'm at my wits end.  I feel like I'm a failure as a parent because I thought I taught my smart kid to succeed - and instead she's lying to me.

Psych Fan NinaMays I'm with the same feelings as my son can be above a C student but he choose to go oh I rather just get F's on this work than to actually get at least a B or A on these many assignments.. I ask him why he chooses F's More in many assignments when he could get a grade to bring his grades up and me telling me he's not being his full potential as by making him not do his work how can I truly believe he's going to be successful and he's like I have big brains . Then I'm like why not show me by doing your school work he goes I don't need do that and I show you of my big brains by telling you school isn't important. Telling me I am brainwashed. He is a sophomore in high school.

FRUSTRATED PARENT NinaMays This is my reality too - "relationship" with teachers is difficult when they won't co-operate with homework expectations, or follow up email - the schools complain that kids are on the internet - yet its them providing wifi passwords - so kids are playing in class - lying about More homework - and since I'm not in the class, I have no idea until report cards surface.

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