essay about life partner

Advertisement

5 key factors to consider when choosing a life partner.

As a therapist, some of the most common questions I receive have to do with how to choose a life partner: How do I know this person is right for me? How can I tell if they will make a good life partner? What is the most important thing I can ask them?

None of these questions has a simple answer. The way we feel when we fall in love doesn't necessarily mean that we are with the right person. This is why we call it "falling" in love. It doesn't mean that we are compatible — only that we are human and have body chemistry. Moreover, when we're under love's spell, most of us are willing to do anything, say anything, and be anything. Anyone who has watched The Bachelor can say the "right" things; it's how a person lives that holds the key to really knowing who they are.

It's better to use the logical part of our brain to determine whether the other person has the right "stuff" to make a suitable long-term partner than to feel our way to this decision. Of course, what we feel is essential, and someone may be a great fit with all the important qualities that we are looking for, but if our body doesn't react to them — no attraction, no chemistry , no "wow" — that's also important information on which to base our decision. We need both heart and head to decide.

Here are five clues that will help you find out whether or not someone has the qualities to go the distance:

Family history

It's important to know how connected a potential partner is to their family members and the quality of these relationships. Try to determine how much they are able to accept, forgive, and have family members' backs. Also look for how much they blame or make trouble for others.

I look for two red flags when I'm talking with a client about their family history. One is when they indicate that everything is or was terrible; the other is when they say that everything is or was perfect.

A good sign of balance is, for example, the following description of a family member: "Well, my dad's an interesting guy. He's so loving and generous. He had a hard struggle with depression. He's a glass-half-empty sort of guy, yet he tries hard to be more upbeat. The problem is he's very reluctant to seek help and kind of stuck in his ways. But, growing up, I remember how, most of all, he always loved and supported me. Although he didn't often show up for my activities, I always knew that it wasn't because he didn't care." This is balanced; he tells it like it is.

Past relationships

It is important to discover what kinds of friendships someone has had or currently have. The best sign is that they still keep a few of their oldest friends.

Additionally, see if they've been able to take some responsibility for their failed relationships. Do they speak of past lovers in derogatory terms, such as "She was crazy" or "He was a total narcissist"? Occasionally it might be true, but most of us look pretty unappealing to the other at the end of a relationship, and it's not usually the whole truth. Ask whether your potential partner tries to be fair-minded.

How they handle anger

You'll need to observe this one rather than asking about it. Watch how they behave when they don't get their own way, are disappointed, or feel angry. In life, we have to manage not getting our own way as well as hurt and disappointment. How people act with others under these circumstances says a lot about how they will one day act with you.

Generosity is considered the No. 1 key to a good relationship, according to a long-term study at the University of Virginia . Watch how generous your potential partner is in their treatment and discussion of others. When we are lovestruck, we are all generous and loving, but you need to look for indications of how generous someone will be when the love potion wears off.

How full their life is

Determine whether they have meaning in their life that doesn't relate to you — interests, passions, a history of expanding themselves . Do they have big dreams or a history of making those dreams come true?

Paradoxically, the key to intimacy is the ability to be separate. Until you know yourself and feel whole and clear in what you want for your life, you'll never be able to be the best partner you can be . It's counterintuitive, but we really only get the most intimacy out of a relationship when we have done the most work on ourselves.

Putting it all together.

Imagine there are two parts to an "interview" with a potential partner, like with a job applicant. In part one, trust your heart, the chemistry, and your intuition.

If only things were so simple. This is clearly not enough. I bet 99% of people have felt that someone was "the one," only to be shocked and disappointed when, later in the relationship, you find out a whole lot of things that you totally missed.

In part two of the "interview," look at their abilities, their references, their experience, and all the other objective data that points to whether they are a good fit.

We have two parts to our brain, both of which are essential to use when choosing a partner. The "feeling" part is an important indicator, but the part where rational and reasonable decisions are made must be an equal partner.

Enjoy some of our favorite clips from classes

What Is Meditation?

Mindfulness/Spirituality | Light Watkins

Box Breathing

Mindfulness/Spirituality | Gwen Dittmar

What Breathwork Can Address

The 8 limbs of yoga - what is asana.

Yoga | Caley Alyssa

Two Standing Postures to Open Up Tight Hips

How plants can optimize athletic performance.

Nutrition | Rich Roll

What to Eat Before a Workout

How ayurveda helps us navigate modern life.

Nutrition | Sahara Rose

Messages About Love & Relationships

Love & Relationships | Esther Perel

Love Languages

More on this topic.

How To Handle All Kinds Of Texters (Without Texting All Day Long)

Francesca Bond

Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner Lately? Do These 3 Things

Tanya Carroll Richardson

A List Of 55 Things To Do With Friends The Next Time You Need Some Inspo

Sarah Regan

I've Used This Suction Toy For 5 Years & Still Orgasm Every Time

Braelyn Wood

Which Of These Life Stages Are You In? (And How Women Can Find Better Support)

Devon Barrow

A Sneak Peek At Our Beauty Event In Miami (It's Almost Like You Were There)

Popular Stories

Social Issues: Choosing a Life Partner Essay

Introduction, choosing a life partner, factors to consider when choosing a life partner.

Most people get into relationships without proper knowledge and insight into the factors that make a happy and successful marriage. Choosing a life partner entails a myriad of issues, including the partner’s background. Also, partners make significant impacts on one another. This paper will use two films [When Harry met Sally and Breaking Up] to explore the topic of choosing a life partner. Some people are guided by instincts to get the right life partner.

The first film, When Harry met Sally, uses two characters, viz. Harry and Sally, to present the formation of a relationship in contemporary society. Harry and Sally meet as students at the University of Chicago. They have known each other for a long time, but they do not rush into a relationship until after twelve years of knowing each other. This film presents a real-life situation for two partners who take the time to factor out what they want in a relationship.

Even though life presents many challenges, such partners weather the storms and stick together. The film connects well with the topic of finding a life partner by showing that different people can come on the way as possible partners, but when one takes time to make reasonable choices, s/he will find someone suitable to live with.

The second film, Breaking Up, explores Steve and Monica’s lives as they date for two years and decide to marry despite the existing conflicts between them. The film shows that relationships face many challenges, which call for strong people to survive and by failing to address weaknesses leads to breaking up. If a relationship is sexually oriented, then the basics of finding the right partner are overlooked. This film connects well with the topic since it explores the implications of rushing to get a life partner.

Selecting a life partner is unsophisticated, but people complicate the procedure when they opt for dubious means. This process involves the identification of a friend to determine if potential partners share some aspects in life before the friendship can grow to a relationship and if the relationship works for the partners, it results in marriage.

This process does not entail free-choice mate selection where two people get attracted to each other through instincts and fall in love and get married in the process. Selecting a life partner involves deep understanding and love for each other together with figuring out what partners want in their lives. Some people marry by fate, while others are guided by self-esteem or lust, but they all hope for a good relationship.

In modern life, people end up getting married for the wrong purposes. For instance, one might be compelled by society to marry and avoid the backlash associated with aging without a partner. Society disdains singlehood at age 40 more than it does for a troubled marriage at the same age. The single person might not be far from enjoying a successful marriage, but the troubled couples end up in lifetime chaos or divorce.

Most people get into a relationship and after a short period, they give in the proposal to get married with the belief that they will know each other as the marriage grows. This assumption underscores the genesis of marital problems. Some of the questions to consider at this point include whether one feels free and comfortable with the other party.

Most people can factor how they feel or perceive about their partners, but the challenge arises when partners fall for promissory romance and lust and decide to get into marriage hoping to change their partners later in life. Also, different people have disparate definitions of love.

True love requires understanding and care about each other to the extent where one can anticipate each other’s needs and meet them beforehand. Selecting a partner with whom to share most aspects of life increases the chance of a happy marriage. Love, trust, and voluntarily limiting oneself for the sake of a happy relationship are requisite factors.

The first film, When Harry met Sally, shows the patience that a relationship needs before it can take off. It takes Harry and Sally 12 years to fall in love. They meet at the University of Chicago during their school life. Sally starts a career as a journalist and Harry as a political scientist and both have successful careers. They live separately, but after some years, they meet at LaGuardia airport. Coincidentally, Sally’s boyfriend has left her and Harry’s wife is asking for a divorce.

Therefore, the two know what they want in a relationship from their experiences. They decide to start a relationship, but Harry warns Sally that they should get married and avoid the sexual destruction that might befall their relationship. Finally, Sally agrees and they get married, and even though they have known each other for a long time, their relationship faces numerous conflicts. They develop the perception that marriage is a tough institution and they cannot match the expectations.

This scenario reflects the real life situation when couples fail to air their problems and assume that the relationship is doomed to fail for simple discussions cannot solve their issues.

Their conflicts intensify to the point that Harry apologizes to Sally. At this point, both realize that they love each other and they cannot continue to fight happiness, and thus they choose to enjoy life together. This aspect shows that in life when people choose the right partners in marriage, no matter the trials and tribulations, they can surmount the challenges and lead happy lives in marriage.

The second film, Breaking Up, Steve is in a breaking relationship with Monica. They keep arguing and Monica leaves before she comes back shortly to inform Steve that she is terminating the relationship. After a little while, they reconcile, but the fights persist. The relationship is sexually driven, and thus emotions are high and Steve is convinced that he loves Monica. He asks her to marry him and Monica agrees.

They are overwhelmed and they go out interviewing people by asking them what sustains a marriage. This aspect shows that they are not prepared, since they do not have any clue about marriage life. They keep arguing most of the time, as they cannot agree on simple things, except sex.

They have good sex, appease each emotionally, at times break up, makeup again, and have more sex. With time, the trend turns painful and unbearable. Unfortunately, the relationship is founded on shaky grounds, and thus it gives in and the two part ways. Even though Monica is prepared to look for ways to ameliorate the association, Steve is a horrible lover, and thus the relationship falls apart.

Choosing a life partner involves a careful process, which requires commitment and understanding from the involved parties. Relationships and marriages face challenges, but if partners and spouses know what they want, coupled with how to meet one another’s needs beforehand, happiness and cooperation are achievable. In the first film, Harry and Sally show that it is prudent to take time before partners decide to get married since one can rush into making such a decision, which might hurt in the long term.

Harry and Sally show that individuals may not fully learn about each other before marriage, but if both take time, it is possible to understand and figure out most of the things that lead to a successful and happy marriage. In the second film, Steve and Monica clarify that choosing a lifetime partner is a commitment, which is anchored on simple values that partners share and at times endure together.

However, if a decision is rushed to choose a life partner, marriage becomes a time-to-time reminder that one made the wrong choice. This paper notes that even choosing the right life partner does not mean that life will not have difficulties.

Partners might overlook the simple things such as celebrating each other during good times, and such tendencies may create differences due to lack of appreciation. Also, rushing to select a life partner can result in permanent troubles or divorce. Therefore, individuals should take the time to know each other before getting married.

• Chicago (A-D)
• Chicago (N-B)

IvyPanda. (2020, March 22). Social Issues: Choosing a Life Partner. https://ivypanda.com/essays/social-issues-choosing-a-life-partner/

"Social Issues: Choosing a Life Partner." IvyPanda , 22 Mar. 2020, ivypanda.com/essays/social-issues-choosing-a-life-partner/.

IvyPanda . (2020) 'Social Issues: Choosing a Life Partner'. 22 March.

IvyPanda . 2020. "Social Issues: Choosing a Life Partner." March 22, 2020. https://ivypanda.com/essays/social-issues-choosing-a-life-partner/.

1. IvyPanda . "Social Issues: Choosing a Life Partner." March 22, 2020. https://ivypanda.com/essays/social-issues-choosing-a-life-partner/.

Bibliography

IvyPanda . "Social Issues: Choosing a Life Partner." March 22, 2020. https://ivypanda.com/essays/social-issues-choosing-a-life-partner/.

• Santa Monica College, Its History and Advantages
• Love Our Children USA: Interview with Monica Taylor
• Santa Monica Public Library's Cost Analysis
• Complex Communities in Monica Ali's "Brick Lane"
• "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "When Harry Met Sally"
• Newman’s sermon on the feast of St. Monica in the year 1856
• Undifferentiated Schizophrenia: Sally’s Case
• Santa Monica College Performance Arts Center Concert
• “Annie Hall” and “When Harry Met Sally” Films Comparison
• Social Issues: Levels of Conversation Impact
• The Effect of the Divorce on Families' Financial Status
• Social Issues: Equity Among the African Demographics
• Social Issues: Science Versus Indigenous Ways of Living
• Early Childhood Socialization

• PRO Courses Guides New Tech Help Pro Expert Videos About wikiHow Pro Upgrade Sign In
• EDIT Edit this Article
• EXPLORE Tech Help Pro About Us Random Article Quizzes Request a New Article Community Dashboard This Or That Game Popular Categories Arts and Entertainment Artwork Books Movies Computers and Electronics Computers Phone Skills Technology Hacks Health Men's Health Mental Health Women's Health Relationships Dating Love Relationship Issues Hobbies and Crafts Crafts Drawing Games Education & Communication Communication Skills Personal Development Studying Personal Care and Style Fashion Hair Care Personal Hygiene Youth Personal Care School Stuff Dating All Categories Arts and Entertainment Finance and Business Home and Garden Relationship Quizzes Cars & Other Vehicles Food and Entertaining Personal Care and Style Sports and Fitness Computers and Electronics Health Pets and Animals Travel Education & Communication Hobbies and Crafts Philosophy and Religion Work World Family Life Holidays and Traditions Relationships Youth
• Browse Articles
• Learn Something New
• Quizzes Hot
• This Or That Game New
• Train Your Brain
• Explore More
• Support wikiHow
• About wikiHow
• Log in / Sign up
• Relationships
• Love and Romance

How to Choose a Life Partner

Last Updated: November 17, 2023 Approved

Relationship Priorities

Compatibility, relationship tips, matchmaking tips, expert q&a.

This article was co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW . Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 430,193 times.

Choosing the person (or type of person) you want to spend the rest of your life with is really empowering and exciting. To make the right choice, you want to listen to your heart and also use your head. Being in love with someone is super important of course, but you also want to consider some practical things too since you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with this person. Don’t worry—we’ve put together some tips to help you figure out what type of person is really right for you.

• For example, a couple wherein one partner likes watching pro wrestling on Monday nights and one partner likes watching nature documentaries at the same time will probably be able to make things work (especially if they agree to buy a DVR). On the other hand, if one partner wants to buy a house and the other doesn't or one partner wants to be a "swinger" and the other doesn't, these are major roadblocks to long-term happiness.

• In the U.S., most people want children, [1] X Research source but this is by no means universal, so don't make assumptions about your partner until you know for sure.

• To be clear, people from different races, religions, and cultures are perfectly capable of having happy life-long relationships. For instance, in the U.S., interracial couples are more common today than ever before. [2] X Research source

• As an example of the sorts of financial decisions couples have to make, consider this: in a couple where one partner wants to spend his late 20s and early 30s taking lots of trips and exploring the world and the other partner wants to spend this time building a successful career and saving to buy a house, both partners may not be able to get their way.

• For example, for some couples with children, it's very important for one parent to be a full-time caretaker. For others, it's OK if a nanny fills the gaps. Similarly, some people may want to live near their parents and visit frequently, while others may want more independence.

• You'll need to consider questions in all areas of lifestyle choices. For instance, do you two have the same attitude about money? Do they have any issues from their past that may pop up? Will they be supportive and understanding if you wish to change or advance your career?
• To be clear, these types of questions aren't necessarily things you should ask at your first date. Asking very personal questions early on can be a major turn-off that can sabotage your efforts to start a relationship with someone. However, these types of major lifestyle questions are probably things that you'll want to know the answer to within, say, the first six months of your relationship.

• What did you like about your partner?
• What did you enjoy doing the most with your partner?
• What did you disagree with your partner about?
• What did you criticize your partner for?
• What did your partner criticize you for?
• Why did the relationship end?

• Do I want to have children?
• Where do I want to live?
• Do I want to work or manage the home (or both?)
• Do I want my relationship to be an exclusive one?
• What do I want to accomplish before I die?
• What kind of lifestyle do I want to have?

• Most important of all, love yourself , flaws and all. You can't expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself. If you try to have a lifelong relationship when you have a negative self-image, you're likely to self-sabotage and hurt the people closest to you, so sort this important first step out before you continue.

• For example, it's OK to ask your partner (politely, of course) to start taking the garbage out sometimes — this is a reasonable place to look for compromise. However, it's not OK to expect your partner to suddenly decide to want kids if they don't already — this is a deeply personal decision that can't reasonably be undone.

• For example, while it's perfectly OK to dress a little fancier than you normally would for your first few dates, you wouldn't want to pretend that you're agnostic when you actually are quite religious just to make your date happy. Misleading your partner about yourself — either by lying or omitting information about yourself — is an act of deception that, for many people, can be difficult to recover from.

• You'll probably also want to see if this person gets along with the people who are close to you (and vice versa). Bring your partner to your social engagements and introduce them to your friends and family. If your partner gets along well with these people, you have one less thing to worry about.

• You'll definitely want to avoid becoming intimately involved with a potential partner until you get to know the person. While it's certainly possible to turn a casual relationship into something more serious, sexual intimacy shouldn't be the foundation for long-term happiness. Though sexual attraction and compatibility are key to a good long-term relationship, waiting allows you to gain a better understanding of whether you are compatible.

• When it comes to making sacrifices for the good of your relationship, small things, like minor personal habits and behaviors, should be on the table. However, major life goals usually shouldn't be, as a serious disagreement about one of these can be a sign that two people are incompatible. For example, deciding to go out drinking with your friends less often is a reasonable sacrifice to make if you have a spouse and children. On the other hand, deciding not to have children when you desperately want them isn't something you should put yourself through.

• Most dating "experts" will recommend a proactive approach to dating. Some even rank it as high as your career in terms of the effort you should spend on it!

• Even solitary hobbies can lead to opportunities to meet people! Love reading comic books and playing video games? Attend a convention! Love painting? Host an exhibition! Like writing? Attend a writer's workshop! There are exciting activities for almost every interest out there, so start searching!

• As an added bonus, confidence is generally considered quite sexy! [4] X Research source Fearless confidence is a self-reinforcing trait that makes you much more attractive to potential partners: the more confidently you approach dating situations, the more relaxed you'll be during them, the better time you'll have, and the more confident you'll be when you approach the next situation.

Comprehension Quiz

• The key to a successful relationship is easy- good humor and total honesty. Without that, you have nothing. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 0
• Never tolerate abuse. Thanks Helpful 4 Not Helpful 3
• Find out your interest, likes-dislikes, priorities, highest values. It's not possible to have exactly same in your proposed partner but ensure he/she at least respects & accept them. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://www.gallup.com/poll/164618/desire-children-norm.aspx
• ↑ https://articles.latimes.com/2013/aug/31/nation/la-na-adv-interracial-love-20130901
• ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
• ↑ https://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/confidence-new-sexy-article-1.1483158

About This Article

Choosing a life partner might seem daunting, but by figuring out what you’re looking for, putting yourself out there, and having realistic expectations, you'll have a better chance of finding someone. Start by thinking about what you want from life. For example, do you want to settle down and have kids or do you want to focus on your career and travel the world? Once you know what you want from life, use this vision to imagine your ideal partner. Then, meet people who have similar interests as you by joining clubs, going to social events, and looking on dating websites. Ask them about their own dreams and desires to see how this fits your picture. Although you should find someone who wants a similar future to you, you should also be prepared to compromise on smaller details, since it will be difficult to find someone who suits you perfectly. For more tips, including how to learn from past relationships to help you find the right life partner, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

• Send fan mail to authors

Reader Success Stories

Dec 21, 2016

Did this article help you?

May 31, 2016

Jayzel Belong

Mar 20, 2017

Sanamdeep Verma

Nov 1, 2016

Nawaz Jillani

Nov 28, 2016

Featured Articles

Trending Articles

Watch Articles

• Terms of Use
• Privacy Policy
• Do Not Sell or Share My Info
• Not Selling Info

Get the best dating & love tips

wikiHow's Relationships Newsletter

Essays About Love and Relationships: Top 5 Examples

Love, romance, and relationships are just as complicated and messy as they are fascinating. Read our guide on essays about love and relationships.

We, as humans, are social beings. Humanity is inclined towards living with others of our kind and forming relationships with them. Love, whether in a romantic context or otherwise, is essential to a strong relationship with someone. It can be used to describe familial, friendly, or romantic relationships; however, it most commonly refers to romantic partners. 

Love and relationships are difficult to understand, but with effort, devotion, and good intentions, they can blossom into something beautiful that will stay with you for life. This is why it is important to be able to discern wisely when choosing a potential partner.

5 Essay Examples

1. love and marriage by kannamma shanmugasundaram, 2. what my short-term relationships taught me about love and life by aaron zhu, 3. true love waits by christine barrett, 4. choosing the right relationship by robert solley, 5. masters of love by emily esfahani smith, 1. what is a healthy romantic relationship, 2. a favorite love story, 3. relationship experiences, 4. lessons relationships can teach you, 5. love and relationships in the 21st century, 6. is marriage necessary for true love.

“In successful love marriages, couples have to learn to look past these imperfections and remember the reasons why they married each other in the first place. They must be able to accept the fact that neither one of them is perfect. Successful love marriages need to set aside these superior, seemingly impossible expectations and be willing to compromise, settling for some good and some bad.”

Shanmugasundaram’s essay looks at marriage in Eastern Cultures, such as her Indian traditions, in which women have less freedom and are often forced into arranged marriages. Shanmugasundaram discusses her differing views with her parents over marriage; they prefer to stick to tradition while she, influenced by Western values, wants to choose for herself. Ultimately, she has compromised with her parents: they will have a say in who she marries, but it will be up to her to make the final decision. She will only marry who she loves. 

“There is no forever, I’ve been promised forever by so many exes that it’s as meaningless to me as a homeless person promising me a pot of gold. From here on out, I’m no longer looking for promises of forever, what I want is the promise that you’ll try your best and you’ll be worth it. Don’t promise me forever, promise me that there will be no regrets.”

In Zhu’s essay, he reflects on his lessons regarding love and relationships. His experiences with past partners have taught him many things, including self-worth and the inability to change others. Most interestingly, however, he believes that “forever” does not exist and that going into a relationship, they should commit to as long as possible, not “forever.” Furthermore, they should commit to making the relationship worthwhile without regret. 

“For life is a constant change, love is the greatest surprise, friendship is your best defense, maturity comes with responsibility and death is just around the corner, so, expect little, assume nothing, learn from your mistakes, never fail to have faith that true love waits, take care of your friends, treasure your family, moderate your pride and throw up all hatred for God opens millions of flowers without forcing the buds, reminding us not to force our way but to wait for true love to happen perfectly in His time.”

Barrett writes about how teenagers often feel the need to be in a relationship or feel “love” as soon as possible. But unfortunately, our brains are not fully matured in our teenage years, so we are more likely to make mistakes. Barrett discourages teenagers from dating so early; she believes that they should let life take its course and enjoy life at the moment. Her message is that they shouldn’t be in a rush to grow up, for true love will come to those who are patient. You might also be interested in these essays about commitment and essays about girlfriends .

“A paucity of common interests gets blamed when relationships go south, but they are rarely the central problem. Nonetheless, it is good to have some — mostly in terms of having enough in common that there are things that you enjoy spending time doing together. The more important domains to consider are personality and values, and when it comes to personality, the key question is how does your potential partner handle stress.”

Solley, from a more psychological perspective, gives tips on how one can choose the ideal person to be in a relationship with. Love is a lifetime commitment, so much thought should be put into it. One should look at culture, values regarding spending money, and common interests. Solley believes that you should not always look for someone with the same interests, for what makes a relationship interesting is the partners’ differences and how they look past them. 

“There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: Either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.”

Smith discusses research conducted over many years that explains the different aspects of a relationship, including intimacy, emotional strength, and kindness. She discusses kindness in-depth, saying that a relationship can test your kindness, but you must be willing to work to be kind if you love your partner. You might also be interested in these essays about divorce .

6 Writing Prompts On Essays About Love and Relationships

Everyone has a different idea of what makes a great relationship. For example, some prioritize assertiveness in their partner, while others prefer a calmer demeanor. You can write about different qualities and habits that a healthy, respectful relationship needs, such as quality time and patience. If you have personal experience, reflect on this as well; however, if you don’t, write about what you would hope from your future partner. 

Love and relationships have been an essential element in almost every literary work, movie, and television show; an example of each would be Romeo and Juliet , The Fault in Our Stars , and Grey’s Anatomy . Even seemingly unrelated movies, such as the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings franchises, have a romantic component. Describe a love story of your choice; explain its plot, characters, and, most importantly, how the theme of love and relationships is present. 

If you have been in a romantic relationship before, or if you are in one currently, reflect on your experience. Why did you pursue this relationship? Explore your relationship’s positive and negative sides and, if applicable, how it ended. If not, write about how you will try and prevent the relationship from ending.

All our experiences in life form us, relationships included. In your essay, reflect on ways romantic relationships can teach you new things and make you better; consider values such as self-worth, patience, and positivity. Then, as with the other prompts, use your personal experiences for a more interesting essay. Hou might find our guide on how to write a vow helpful.

How love, romance, and relationships are perceived has changed dramatically in recent years; from the nuclear family, we have seen greater acceptance of same-sex relationships, blended families, and relationships with more than two partners—research on how the notion of romantic relationships has changed and discuss this in your essay. 

More and more people in relationships are deciding not to get married. For a strong argumentative essay, discuss whether you agree with the idea that true love does not require marriage, so it is fine not to get married in the first place. Research the arguments of both sides, then make your claim. 

Check out our guide packed full of transition words for essays . If you’re still stuck, check out our general resource of essay writing topics .

Martin is an avid writer specializing in editing and proofreading. He also enjoys literary analysis and writing about food and travel.

View all posts

What Makes a Good Life Partner?

When you’re crushing on somebody, you’re not dreaming about how supportive they’d be if your mother was in the hospital, or how adept they’ll be at receiving your feedback in the midst of a furious argument. No — you’re much too focused on how cute their eyes look when they smile, or how nice they smell. 

That’s because we’re attracted to people based on their physical appearance, and their personalities (insofar as we can know someone’s personality within a few months of dating).

This isn’t because we’re all shallow jerks — it’s just that we’re biologically primed to hone in on the qualities that make for an excellent short-term mate (short-term as in, long enough to make a baby and keep it alive until it can walk), rather than the deep personal qualities that actually make for a good life partner. 

Whether you’re dating or in a relationship, it’s smart to spend some time learning about these deeper qualities, so that you can recognize them in others and cultivate them in yourself. If you can focus on character over chemistry in your relationships, you can create a partnership that’s healthy, strong, and truly built to last. 

This article will tell you how. Using insight I’ve gained through working with countless couples over the years in marriage counseling and relationship coaching , I’m diving into what actually makes a good life partner — and how you can develop your own “good partner” skills to create better relationships. If you’d prefer to listen, I’ve also recorded an episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast on this topic. You can tune in on this page, Apple podcasts , Spotify , or wherever you listen. 

Grow Together

Schedule a free consultation today..

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a clear rubric for selecting a fantastic partner with whom you could have a healthy, loving relationship ? 

Or a set of guidelines that would help you know for sure that your significant other is indeed “ The One ,” so you could move forward with confidence into the next chapter of your life together? 

While it’s true that who you choose to marry is likely the biggest choice you’ll ever make, it’s also true that whether or not you have a healthy, loving, enduring relationship with that person depends on the kind of partner you’re able to be. 

Relationships are systems, and they always respond to what we’re feeding them. If you dump toxic sludge into a river, there will be dead fish bobbing on the surface before long. If you dump love-killing ingredients into your relationship, it’s going to be damaged, eventually beyond repair . 

It’s worth learning about the qualities of a good life partner, not only so you can prioritize them in the people you date, but so that you can develop them in yourself. This is what gives you the power to create a wonderful relationship, rather than merely hoping to find one. 

So, without further ado…

Grow Together Schedule a Free Consultation Today.

Good life partner quality #1 — psychological flexibility.

Psychological flexibility is the ability to stay open to new information, and to shift course based on what you learn, even if the information you’re receiving is different than what you’re expecting or wanting to hear. People who are psychologically flexible perform better on the job and are able to maintain a more even keel emotionally . They also do better in relationships. 

We all have established ideas that we’ve developed over time. The more ingrained these ideas become, the more uncomfortable we may feel about being swayed by new information. People who are less psychologically flexible experience more discomfort around information that doesn’t fit with their established ideas, and this becomes a barrier to understanding people who think and feel differently than they do. When their partner tells them something that conflicts with what they think and feel, they may invalidate them or try to change their mind , rather than seeing things from their partner’s perspective and making appropriate changes. 

So how can you tell if someone is psychologically flexible? Pay attention to how they act when you disagree about something. Do they listen and ask you thoughtful questions to understand your perspective? Do they allow themselves to be influenced by you? Do they ever ask for your feedback, and modify their behavior based on it? These are all signs of psychological flexibility. 

Good Life Partner Quality #2 — Empathy

Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of empathy . 

Empathy is emotional attunement. It’s the ability to understand the feelings of others and to respond to them appropriately. People who are lower in empathy aren’t necessarily serial killers — in fact, most of them are perfectly nice people whose intentions are good. But if they’re not skilled at noticing other people’s feelings, caring about them, and responding appropriately, they’re bound to have some trouble in relationships. 

So what are the signs of an empathetic person? People with higher levels of empathy tend to talk about other people as complex individuals, rather than as one-dimensional characters who are either all good or all bad. They also tend to be pretty insightful about the hearts and minds of others, rather than confused about why other people think and feel as they do. They’re not often surprised to hear someone is upset about something, and responding with compassion comes naturally to them. 

Good Life Partner Quality #3 — Commitment to the Concept of Mature Love

On the list of good feelings a human can feel, falling in love is near the top. But life-long, real-deal, show-up-every-day love? Drive-your-partner-to-43-chemo-appointments love? That’s not a feeling, that’s a commitment to something that’s bigger than you — even when you’re not really feeling it. 

The chemical rush of new love is what brings people together, but it doesn’t keep them together through all the challenging and painful stuff that life throws at them. When a relationship lasts, it’s because two people have a mature conception of love. They are committed to their partnership, and to each other’s well being — as strongly as they’re committed to their own. They know that real love isn’t about feeling good all the time. When life gets hard, they get through it together , rather than moving on to the next good-feeling thing.

Of all the Good Life Partner qualities, this might be the toughest to suss out with a new match. You wouldn’t expect to see this kind of commitment at the beginning of a relationship — in fact, that would be a major red flag. 

But, early on, you can pay attention to how they talk about other relationships in their life. Are they close and committed to their friends? Their family? Do relationships with others seem important to them? Do they think in terms of “me,” or in terms of “we?”  

Good Life Partner Quality #4 — Emotional Intelligence

Finally, a good life partner is emotionally intelligent . 

People who are high in emotional intelligence are adept at understanding and managing their own feelings, and connecting with those of others. They are aware of their own internal emotional state, and they can take guidance from their feelings to make adjustments in their life and in their relationships when things are feeling bad. 

Emotionally intelligent people are also good self-soothers. They allow themselves to feel the full spectrum of their feelings, but they’re not easily bowled over by big emotions — or, when they are, they’re able to recover fairly well. This makes them more resilient and better able to meet life’s challenges. 

Finally, emotionally intelligent people are able to notice other people’s feelings, have some insight into why they may feel the way they feel, and respond appropriately. You can imagine what a handy skill this is in the context of a marriage. It takes more than love and care for your partner to understand how they’re feeling, why that may be, and what they need from you — it takes emotional intelligence (and emotional maturity ). 

The good news is, emotional intelligence is a skill that can be built with practice, and we all have some room for growth in this area. If you’d like to improve your emotional intelligence, working with an EI Coach can help. 

Good Life Partner Quality #5 — a Growth Mindset

If you’re dating or in a relationship, don’t just evaluate these qualities in your partner (or in yourself) in terms of where they stand today. We all grow throughout our lifetimes, and our relationships can be the site of our most significant personal growth spurts — as long as we have a growth mindset.  

People with a growth mindset believe in their own power to determine their outcomes through their efforts. This helps them to persist through setbacks, learn from mistakes, and view challenges as opportunities to further develop themselves. When something starts feeling difficult in a relationship, someone with a growth mindset will work to solve the problem, and that will naturally lead them to develop healthy relationship skills like emotional intelligence and psychological flexibility. 

How can you tell if someone has a growth mindset? A good indicator is whether or not they take responsibility for themselves. Do they believe they have the power to make their life better by applying effort? Or do they seem to think that the power to change their life for the better (or the worse) resides outside of themselves, with other people? 

If they recognize they have a lot of control over the outcomes they experience, and work to shift those outcomes by learning and growing, they most likely have a growth mindset… and the bones of a good life partner.

Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast

The love, happiness & success podcast with dr. lisa marie bobby, free, expert advice — for you., subscribe to the love, happiness, and success podcast, episode show notes: what makes a good life partner , [2:27] becoming attracted.

• Attraction is at the heart of how we form relationships.
• It can be physical attraction, attraction to their personality, or other characteristics that we value.
• We tend to idealize and see the best in others when we first meet them, but we often overlook the crucial factors that matter in the long run.

[8:48] Are We Taught to Become Good Life Partners?

• Putting positive things in your relationship that elicit positive responses from your partner will help you build a strong bond, but not everyone grows up watching this kind of relationship unfold between their parents. 
• Starting with yourself, you can make unilateral changes in your relationship.

[12:21] Psychological Flexibility

• Psychological flexibility refers to the ability to shift course based on new information. 
• We cannot be good life partners without that openness, receptivity, and ability to be influenced or changed by another person.

[16:50] Empathy

• Empathy is emotional attunement that allows you to understand the feelings of others without necessarily feeling the same way.
• People who are lower in empathy can still form healthy and meaningful relationships if they put forth the extra effort.
• Finding a partner who notices and cares about your feelings is critical.

[22:23] Mature Love

• Love is an orientation towards others, not a feeling.
• True commitment takes time to develop, and rushing into it can be a red flag.
• The way they talk about other people in their lives gives you insight into their conception of love.

[29:26] Emotional Intelligence and Communication Skills

• It’s not about being perfectly emotionally intelligent or having perfect communication skills; it’s about being open to growing in those areas.
• Self-awareness, effective management of one’s own feelings, noticing others’ emotional states, and relationship management skills are the four components of emotional intelligence.

Music in this episode is by Angharad Drake , covering Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” on the “Summer of Love” album . You can support them and their work by visiting their Bandcamp page here: https://angharaddrake.bandcamp.com/. Under the circumstance of use of music, each portion of used music within this current episode fits under Section 107 of the Copyright Act, i.e., Fair Use. Please refer to copyright.gov if further questions are prompted.

Lisa Marie Bobby: This is Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, and you’re listening to the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast. Isn’t this such a beautiful cover? This is, of course, a rendition of Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You performed by the very excellent Angharad Drake, I hope I’m saying that right. This particular song is off a really neat album The Summer of Love , which is a collection of songs and covers, celebrating the best love songs of all time by various artists. You should check it out, summeroflove.bandcamp.com and learn more about Angharad Drake on her Bandcamp at angharaddrake.bandcamp.com.

Okay, I’m gonna stop now. All right, I wanted to listen to this gorgeous song with you. Because today we’re talking about love. We are talking about true love, and really what makes relationships work. Whether you’re single or long-partnered, it’s worth reflecting on what makes a good partner, and the qualities in yourself that you can cultivate. 

That we can all cultivate in order to have really fantastic relationships with the people that we love the most. That is what we’re talking about today on the podcast, and I’m so glad you’re here with me. 

As I mentioned, I’m Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, I am the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching . I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist; I’m a licensed psychologist; and I’m a board-certified coach. I have a special place in my heart for helping people with their relationships, in particular, because there’s nothing else that impacts our lives to the degree that our primary relationships do. 

If you’re going to invest in anything, having a really good relationship is priority number one. So for this reason, I’m really excited about today’s episode.

Becoming Attracted

Today, we’re gonna be talking about something I think everybody, whether you are dating and looking for love, or whether you have been married for 20 years, could benefit from learning about and thinking about. That is what makes a good life partner. Because if you think about it, the way we form our relationships is really pretty weird, right?

I mean, we’re drawn to people who look a certain way or have a certain je ne sais quoi . They have a tenor to their voice. They have a body shape that we’re attracted to. It tends to be physical, right? It’s chemical, we get those little butterfly feelings.

Or if we’re a little bit more evolved, we think about people in terms of who they are in those broad strokes, right? Their personality types; what they do for a living? Are they stable? Are they fun? Do we have common values and interests? Could we have a nice life together? 

I mean, these are the ideas and the questions that bring us together, and then form the basis of our relationships. We do these things, but not because we are superficial jerks, right? We’re truly, like biologically primed for certain things. Physical traits and being attracted to certain physical traits is a biological thing at the end of the day, right? 

Healthy people who have sexual reproductive potential like that get our attention on our limbic system brain, and that is very true. Also, we tend to look at people biologically too in terms of their opportunities as partners, mates. We’re primed for raising babies together. Are they going to be providers? Are they going to be stable? Are they going to be nurturing, right? Can we build a life together?

I think because of this biological tendency to look for certain things, to prioritize them, it can be easy to miss the things that are actually the most important variables when it comes to having a partner who’s going to be a really legitimately good partner for you. 

Also, because we tend to be so other-focused in terms of how the relationship is going, like, this is the kind of person that I want to be with. These are the characteristics that I value. This is what I want when we’re dating. What that also turns into is, then, being in a relationship, it turns into, “How is this person treating me? How do I feel with them? What are they doing or not doing? Are they being a good life partner for me.”

That does not mean that you are self-absorbed, or narcissistic, we are all built this way—we look out. It’s much easier to see the impact of other people on us than it is to see the impact of ourselves on others. Because we’re so other-focused, we can stop asking ourselves the all-important question of, “What kind of partner am I? Am I a good partner to this person specifically?” “Maybe I think I’m the partner that I would like to have, but am I the partner that they want?” Being able to have those honest conversations if you are in a long-term relationship, is very useful. 

But also, I think, if you are in a new relationship or if you’re dating, to really be going a little bit deeper, and thinking about the real character qualities that matter a lot in terms of a successful long-term relationship, and whether or not there is the potential to either that already exists, or can you build it in the relationship with somebody that you’re just getting to know. 

Because in early stage, romantic love, we are primed to kind of idealize and we see the best in people, and we can get very excited about all the chemistry and those biologically primed factors that get us all excited. But not really think about those deeper character qualities that are the ones that really matter in the long run. 

In this episode, we’re going to be talking really deeply about what those things are. Again, if you’re in a new relationship to be thinking about the person that you might be dating or getting to know, what is their capacity for this, but also, my friend, what is your capacity for these things? What kind of partner are you? What are you showing them about what to expect from you?

Again, useful if you’re dating, but extremely useful if you’re partnered. Particularly if your relationship has been stressed or tense, we get very focused on what our partners are doing or not doing or saying or their tone, or how they’re saying it right.  It becomes just so easy to point the finger. 

Because we very naturally react and respond to what we feel are unhelpful actions from our partner, that kind of, as we’ve talked on the show in the past, lets us feel kind of allowed or enabled to be not so great partners in return. I can’t tell you how many marriage counseling sessions I’ve had, where people are talking about the things that bother them, “When you do this, it makes me feel that way.” The other person says, “Well, I only do that because you XYZ.” “If you want me to be different then I suggest that you take a look at your own behavior.”

Are We Taught to Become Good Life Partners?

It turns into this, finger-pointing, and everybody’s blaming everybody else for making people feel a certain way, and really not taking responsibility for their own behavior, and making a conscious decision to say, “I am fully committed to being a genuinely good partner.” 

A: What does that even mean? How do we learn how to be good life partners?  I think the divorce rates are still hovering around 50%, right? Chances are if you grew up in a family in the United States, 50/50 is whether your parents were able to figure it out and teach it to you. A significant chunk of the marriages that do stay together are they’re still married, but they’re not having a good time. You know what I mean? 

There’s not many real relationship, positive relationship lessons to wring from those. As we grow into adults, we really have to intentionally learn, “What does it mean to be a good partner, and am I keeping my side of the street clean in this room in this relationship?” It’s really cool, the power of a relationship system is that relationships always respond to the energy that you’re putting in them.

Whether or not your partner decides that they’re going to be fully committed to being a good partner for you, if you become committed to taking responsibility to do everything you can to be a truly good partner, it is highly likely that you will create a new and powerful system in your relationship. You are putting in positive things that elicit positive responses from your partner. 

You will experience that and it will make it even easier for you to do positive things in your relationship, and your partner will respond positively to those. That’s why you actually can create unilateral change in your relationship, is not by focusing on your partner and trying to get them to change, but by really focusing on yourself and then you know, saying “What is it like to live with me? What do I need to do? How do I need to shift in order to help my partner have a better experience in this relationship?”

There are rare instances where you can do all of that, and be a truly wonderful partner and they will not respond to you in the way that you would like. You may find at the end of the day that even if you’re doing your very best to create a positive relationship, at its very best, it might not be a relationship that you want to continue participating in for the rest of your life. That’s okay. That’s absolutely valid. 

If you do decide to do something different, you can do so with a clean conscience. You can say “I actually did everything. I listened. I read the manual, I took the relationship advice. I worked on myself. I did the things. You know what, it didn’t work, but I tried, and I know I tried.” That’s worth something, too. Either way, you cannot really go wrong with this approach

Psychological Flexibility

Let’s talk about what it means to be a good life partner, and what really matters when it comes to healthy, happy long-term relationships. One of the most important things that you can possibly do as a partner, or if you’re out there dating and evaluating potential partners, is something related to psychological flexibility. 

This surprises the heck out of people when they hear me say it because they’re like, “Wait, isn’t it communication? Isn’t it something like that?” Those things can be important, and they can also be developed.

Psychological flexibility refers to the ability to shift course based on new information. This is really important in relationships because in all of our relationships, we have our little worldview that we have developed over the course of our life experiences. We have developed ideas about who we are, what the world is, and what to expect from other people. When we get very rigidly in our little psychological silos around, “This is how things are,” we stop being able to really understand other people. 

It is very difficult to modify our own way of thinking, feeling, behaving to be in alignment with what that other person needs or wants at the moment. Psychological flexibility is fundamentally important to healthy relationships. Because when we have a certain degree of openness, we can hear what someone else is saying and be able to say, “Oh, I never thought about it that way before.” 

Or, “Really, that is a very interesting experience. I can understand why you would feel that way because you lived through that. I probably would feel the same way if that had happened to me.” It’s the ability to, like, intellectually have empathy for someone else’s perspective, viewpoint, way of thinking, way of being. This is so critical because again, without this, it’s very difficult to relate to another person. 

Because to have a good relationship we need to flex. It can’t be just the “Lisa show” at my house, it can’t be the “you show”  at your house, and without that openness, that receptiveness, that ability to take influence from another person, or be changed by another person, we’re just kind of chugging along in our own little rut. 

Somebody could run alongside us if they wanted to. But without that psychological flexibility, sooner or later, they’re gonna give up. Because they’re like, “Well, heck with you. Can you turn just a little bit in my direction? Can you see me? Can you understand me? Hello?” Without that, that’s truly the most important thing. 

If you are dating someone who is very, very invested in their own worldview, and that if you are always having to enter their sphere of what is real and true in order to connect with them, and you do not feel that there’s any kind of effort to understand your perspective, or be open or receptive to your ideas, to take influence from you to learn and grow from you, to modify their behavior at all, based on what you’re saying is important to you or what you need, that is not a good sign. 

They could look great; they could have a great job; they could be fun; they could be funny; they could both like skiing and the same music, and it really doesn’t matter without that psychological flexibility. It’s going to be hard to have a good relationship with that person. 

Right up behind that psychological flexibility is its emotional twin, empathy. Psychological flexibility is really around, I think, ideas and things that we’re conscious of. Empathy, I think, refers more to an emotional kind of attunement, to be able to understand the feelings of others. 

Not necessarily feel the same way. You don’t have to jump into the pool, too. But to be able to understand, “Oh, they’re sad; they’re angry; they’re upset; they’re uncomfortable; they’re anxious.” Just to be able to—it’s almost like you have a little instrument, like a sense of smell—you can intuit what another human is feeling. 

I know that this sounds, like, ridiculously basic. For some people, that is really hard. Not to demean our friends on the autism spectrum who can have beautiful relationships with people, and often do. They have so much love to give, and they can make amazing partners. They need to work a little bit harder in order to recognize what other emotions people are displaying, and then learn how to respond to them appropriately, so that their partners feel heard and understood. 

Just because empathy is maybe not as strong, if you happen to be in love with somebody on the autism spectrum, there can be many other qualities of an excellent life partner that they can draw on to be wonderful partners for you, and so that your emotional needs are also an important part of the relationship. 

But other than that, I would say that it’s very important to find a partner who is able and willing to notice and fundamentally care about how you feel. Because without that, it’s going to be very difficult to have a positive relationship with them. 

If you’re dating, signs of low empathy, or how do they talk about other people, right? Are they able to understand the hearts and minds of others in their stories? Or when they talk about other people, are they kind of one-dimensional characters like heroes or villains in a Marvel movie, right? Are they able to understand how people feel? 

Bonus points if they can understand why somebody might feel that way. They can link it to something in their own life experience around “Yeah, I really feel for that guy. When XYZ happened to me that was sort of similar. I felt really bad too.”—able to connect their own emotional experience to that as somebody else.

As you’re dating, certainly, those are things you want to pay attention to. But if you’re partnered, I would like to invite you for just a moment to stop thinking about your partner, which you may have just been doing as I was talking through this. But to think instead about your own capacity for psychological flexibility and empathy. 

In your house with your partner, are you able to make space for them to be able to do things their way? Maybe they don’t have the same orientation that you do around where things should go, or how a house should be cleaned? Or, if you say you’re going to be home at six, you are there at 5:55? When they say they’re home at six, they roll in at 6:10 or 6:15.

Are you able to flex for their way of being?—that because of their life history; the things they learned growing up; the culture of their family of origin—these things make sense to them. Are you able to flex in their direction and have tolerance for them even though it might be different from your way of being or your preferences. That’s psychological flexibility. 

Then, also, empathy. Are you able to notice how your partner is feeling? When it’s subtle, we can all tell when somebody’s face is red, and when they’re yelling, “Oh, you’re angry.” But people don’t just go from one to 100. Before somebody gets angry, there is an on-ramp. Did you notice your partner chugging up that on-ramp or not? If your partner’s feelings regularly surprise you, you might be missing things in terms of that emotional awareness. 

That would be an indication that it might be really useful for you to get—develop some skills and strategies for noticing when they might be low grade, frustrated, sad, down, annoyed. Then, certainly developing skills for being able to like know what to do with that when they are. But the first step is being able to be aware of it at all, so to be a good life partner–that matters a lot. 

Mature Love

Another thing that really matters a lot when it comes to being a good life partner, is something that is, I think, difficult to assess in some ways. Like, when you’re first getting to know somebody. Sometimes it’s easier in longer-term relationships. But that is a commitment to what I think of as like the concept of mature love.

Love, in my experience, is not a feeling. We can have feelings of love for people, certainly. Looking at a baby or being wrapped in a big hug, and just having this, like, really positive, warm feeling for someone that certainly can be a component of love. Sexual lust or infatuation in the early stages of a relationship can often be confused for love. Nobody would fault you, it’s very fun. 

But what I think of as a commitment to true love is an orientation towards others, that allows for a “we”. That when there is a loving bond between two people, what it turns into, is this spoken and unspoken situation, where the other person is just as real and important as I am. Because we are a “we”. 

There is not a “me” and a “you” with kind of competing needs and rights and feelings and differences and who’s going to get their needs at the expense of the other. There is only a “we” that we are in this together. We are in the same boat. If I am mean or unkind to you, I’m essentially being mean and unkind to myself because we are sharing a life together. There is this very deep commitment to the well being of their partner. They’re human, right? 

This is hard to assess when you’re first getting to know someone because you’re not in that place yet. If somebody was that committed to you on the third date, that would honestly be a major red flag that just got hoisted, and I would advise you to run, not walk to the nearest exit. Like, that would be inappropriate. These things develop over a long period of time. 

If you rush into that, that’s definitely a danger sign. But when you’re dating somebody new, where you can kind of get a sense for this, is how they talk about other people in their lives. It could be their family of origin, or a parent or a sibling or a cousin if there were positive relationships in that family system. But it is “we”; it is “our”;  it is this kind of identity as being part of a family, part of a tribe, a part of a group that they’re committed to serving in some ways. 

People can also talk about their friends in this way. If they have a best friend that they’ve known for a long time, there’s “we”, and you’ll hear stories about how they were there for their friend. Not just that they did nice or generous things for their friend, but that they enjoy doing it, that loving partnership was really meaningful for them. 

Certainly, as a parent, you can hear those stories that are often the experience of parents, but that’s the evidence in some ways of people who have that capacity to be committed to true love and to form a solid “we” in contrast, people who are very, very individualistic. 

There’s not a we, there is a “me, let me tell you about me.” There’s, as you hear their stories, there’s sometimes adversity or sort of an adversarial thing going on, consistently, in all their relationships. But, fundamentally, there’s this just aloneness that they feel like an island in the world, and have not ever really been fully committed to the wellbeing of another.

Let’s also be fair. Some people, by virtue of their life experience, don’t have the opportunity to do that. Maybe they weren’t raised by a group of safe people, right? Maybe they were lucky enough to find this in a friend. Maybe it could be a pet. I mean, that counts too, right? But those are things that I would listen for. 

Also in long term-relationships, I would encourage you to think about how you are showing up as a partner in that way, right? Are you able to put your partner’s needs or desires ahead of your own sometimes? Are you doing things with them or for them? You might, with left to your own devices, not want to do, but that you are doing with them or for them, because it is important to them, and you care about them, that you are there for them. 

You don’t feel like going to the pottery guild show and wandering around and looking at all the ceramic mugs, right? But your partner really, really likes that or wants to go to an art museum or wants to go to the whatever thing, and that you are allowing just a little bit of discomfort or, “Yeah. Okay, I’ll give up an afternoon, and I’ll do this with you.” Not begrudgingly. 

“I am here, and I’m showing up.” We’re gonna have a good time because I want you to have a good time, because I love you.” There’s that commitment to showing love in the way that is important for your partner, even if it is not important for you. I talked a lot about this concept on a podcast that I did a while ago, related to love languages , which can be an umbrella term, but it speaks to the fact that we all experience, love, and care a little bit differently. 

That’s part of being an excellent partner, is being willing to modify what you are doing in order to show your partner love and care in the ways that are truly important for them, even if it is not your preference. We’re being generous in that regard. Those are ways of looking at that “we”. 

Emotional Intelligence and Communication Skills

Another very important component of a positive relationship and a quality of an excellent life partner is, believe it or not, not being perfectly perfect when it comes to things like emotional intelligence and communication skills. We’ll talk more about those. 

Because the truth is that nobody learns how to be a good partner, so we were talking about in the beginning, like most people don’t come from some perfectly perfect family who had all this stuff figured out and was able to teach it to their kids, right? We learn what we learned in our family of origin with our parents who were doing the best that they knew how to do. Then, we bumble along in our own lives, right? 

Until we get into a relationship that is important enough for us to figure out, “Okay, what do I need to do in order to have this be as good as it can.” That’s when we get to learn relationship skills, right? Because of this, while, we certainly can look for a partner who has a high degree of emotional intelligence—to segue a moment, and you can listen and learn much more about emotional intelligence in past podcasts and articles I’ve written on the subject.

Emotional intelligence is broken down into four components. Emotional intelligence requires self-awareness, so being able to understand how you feel, “Oh, I’m starting to get a little bit tense. What’s going on?” Noticing our emotions, and also developing the self-awareness that we understand ourselves to the degree that we can understand why we have certain feelings in certain situations. 

We are familiar with our own triggers. We have done some insight-oriented personal reflection work around why we are the way that we are. We have compassion for ourselves and our feelings, so we don’t get mad at ourselves when we are feeling upset or feeling triggered about things. That’s that emotional self-awareness, being able to understand and accept our own feelings. 

Then also, the second component of emotional intelligence is being able to manage those feelings effectively. I’ve been doing this a long time.I’ve been working on myself for—I don’t know what day is it—25 years. It never stops. But, pretty familiar with these are the situations that make me anxious or frustrated or sad. 

Being able to notice when I’m starting to feel elevated, but then also having a set of skills to be able to calm yourself back down, not turn off your feelings.  Emotional health, psychological health is being able to accept a full range of feelings, including our dark emotions, which are our friends. So not making feelings go away, but being able to have a set of skills to manage our emotions well enough, that we’re able to function in the way that we want to function anyway. 

Some of it can be self-soothing. I often, if I’m feeling a certain way, will write about it or sometimes talk about it. Everybody has different strategies, and the strategies don’t matter; it’s finding the ones that work for you. It is emotional regulation skills that allow us to be okay, even when we’re not okay, or if you’re totally not okay, you can go have a good cry. Lay on the floor for a little while, and then get back up again, and finish making dinner or whatever it is, right?

It’s like you’re kind of a Weeble Wobble doll. You get smacked down, and you can right yourself back up, even if you’re not 100%. You don’t get smacked down and stay down.

The third component of emotional intelligence is the ability to, as we were discussing previously, notice the feelings of others and have insight into the psychological hearts and minds of others. 

That psychological flexibility piece and empathy that we were talking about at the very beginning is the fundamental ability to kind of notice and basically be open to differences that other people have, either in terms of the way they think or the way they feel. But when we’re talking about emotional intelligence skills, it’s being able to take that awareness to kind of another level.

Like, not just understanding what people are feeling or the fact that they are different than us and appreciating it. But it’s really developing some psychological mindedness, meaning some insight into why another person might be feeling the way they do, and why that kind of makes sense when you look at it from their perspective. 

When we’re applying emotional intelligence skills in our relationships, we’re able to see that our partner is sad and frustrated, and because of our understanding of that person, being able to have a good sense as to what’s going on with them.

That is crucially important because it leads us to the fourth component of emotional intelligence, which is relationship management skills. When you’re aware of how you are feeling, and being able to keep yourself in a relatively good place, being able to understand how other people feel and why—what do they care about; what is motivating them; what are their triggers; what is important—from all of that, then, you understand how to respond to people really effectively in the moment, or how to be with other people in a way that helps them, that feels good for them, that takes their emotional reality into consideration. 

That fourth stage is where we’re using things like healthy communication skills, right? I mean, I won’t go flying into my husband and being like, “You did this.” Right? That would not end well. As somebody who’s been working on this, and I did it when we were first married. Didn’t end well. Learned my lesson. 

Through my own personal growth work, the work that we did together as a couple, now can approach the same situation much, much differently and really use positive communication skills, a soft startup, when I have feedback to give somebody even that I work with, or I have to talk about a challenging situation with a friend, able to maintain my own kind of calmness, so that I’m able to be in a good place during those conversations. 

But also really be able to talk in such a way that will increase the likelihood of having a positive response in return, like, even if we’re not talking about something that’s really, like, comfy and pleasant. It’s likely to go as well as it can be, because of being very conscious about the way I’m interacting with someone. There’s a lot that goes into emotional intelligence. I also don’t mean to talk about it like I’m the world’s, like, perfect role model. 

When it comes to emotional intelligence, I make all kinds of mistakes. Everybody does. But I wanted to talk about this for just a second, because it may be tempting to try to find a partner who has a high degree of emotional intelligence right off the bat. Certainly, if you are later in life when you’re dating, right?  You’re probably encountering people who have had the opportunity to do more personal growth work. 

You could certainly connect with somebody who has intentionally worked on themselves to develop high degrees of emotional intelligence, or they won the lottery. I work with people like this, who are just naturally intuitive, perceptive, compassionate people who just kind of know; understand feelings of themselves and others, and always say the right thing. It’s such a joy to be around. But for most of us, again, we don’t do this. 

We don’t learn how to do this until sometimes later in life. When I met my husband, I was 19 years old. If you were following me around with an emotional intelligence checklist, you’d be like, “Oh my God. What did she do?” And him too, I mean, like, he was a kid. He worked at a skate shop, right? I mean, like, neither of us knew how to do this. 

So I just mentioned that because especially, if you’re younger or are dating people who have have just not had either the opportunity or the motivation to work on themselves in this way yet, they might not know how to stay in tune with their emotions and spin themselves when they start to get upset. They might not know how to stay attuned to you and crack into what you’re thinking and feeling. They might not know what to say, right?

I think that it’s a mistake to judge our fellow humans on their current level of emotional intelligence because it’s something that can be grown. Because of that, I feel that it is a much more helpful metric, certainly, if you’re dating, to think about not where people are, but what are they showing you in terms of their capacity for two other things. One is personal responsibility and the other is a growth mindset. 

These things are so important because anybody can learn anything if they agree that they have stuff to work on and they are willing to take responsibility to do whatever it takes. If it’s reading a book, if it’s practicing things, if it’s going to couples counseling with you, they have a track record of seeking to kind of better themselves. Sometimes it’ll show up in their education or their professional development. 

Even like athletes, you’ll see this drive to grow and kind of improve and get better over time. Creative people like, “Okay, what can I do next? How can I take this creative vision and apply it to a new thing?” They are—they value growth. 

Why this is so important is because personal evolution is really key to a long-term successful partnership, and being open and receptive to modifying the way that we are doing things, being open to new information, trying new things, developing ourselves in service of the relationship, because the truth is that most people do not do personal growth work until they’re in a relationship that requires it of them. 

We, generally speaking, grow because we are motivated to grow because of things feeling hard in our relationship. Truly, sometimes, we have stuff going on prior to being in a relationship that we need to work out. Maybe we had some stuff going on with our families, maybe we got low self-esteem, mood stuff. You go talk to a therapist, and you get to work on yourself prior to being in a relationship. That is fantastic. 

If you have the opportunity to do that, you’re already ahead of the game. But for most people, it’s really when their relationships are feeling hard. They don’t know why, and they care about their relationships enough to come. “Let’s come talk to somebody,” and they come and they wind up in my office. 

They, for the first time, have the opportunity to unpack, “This is why I am the way I am. These are some of the subconscious assumptions I’ve been making about myself and my partner. Yeah, I guess I do feel that way right before I do XYZ.” Like, that’s their first opportunity. I just say all of this, because the presence or absence of innate emotional intelligence skills typically matters less than somebody’s willingness to work on themselves, in order to build them if/when they need to, and to have a healthy relationship. 

At some point, all of us need to work on emotional intelligence skills. It is a growth mindset, a devotion to being able to evolve, and also, to go hand-in-hand with that, I think, is this concept of personal responsibility. Somebody’s—a general orientation that they have control over the outcomes that they experience. Technically, we call this an internal locus of control. That’s the psychological term for it. On another podcast episode, we dove into this more deeply. 

Let’s see, what do we call that episode? The Power of Believing in Yourself , which I know sounds like a cheesy and something that you might stencil on a wall, “Believe in yourself!” But actually, it goes into much deeper and more serious things, which is this concept of a fundamental belief. 

This internal locus of control that if I do something, I can have an impact on my world, and that what I do or don’t do, creates the outcomes that I experience and others experience. So that I have the power to modify my way of being in the world in order to get different results in a wide variety of situations. Again, I know when I say it out loud like this, it probably feels so basic. You’re like, “Yeah.”

But what is also true is that there are many people among us who, through their life circumstances, have come into adulthood not feeling that way. They have an internalized sense of helplessness. They had, maybe, many life experiences, where they did not have control around their outcomes. Maybe they were victimized. Maybe they were disempowered. Maybe they were in situations where nobody listened to them. 

Maybe they tried and they failed, so they stopped trying. What this set of life experiences can lead to, is this feeling that other people are always determining the situation. If it’s a job, you’re your boss is crappy and nothing you say or do will ever change it, which might be true, but you know. If it’s a relationship,  it is, “I chose the wrong person. This partner is not a good partner. It’s never going to work. They’re incapable of loving me.They’re a narcissist.”

They might be a narcissist, and if that is the case, you might be right. But nine times out of ten, you may be in a place where you feel that it is not within your power to create a different result by trying to do things differently on your side of the equation. If you really, really believe that, it is impossible to take responsibility for things because it doesn’t matter anyway. If you try or if you don’t try, doesn’t matter. 

Even if you did try, it wouldn’t have a good outcome, so what’s the point? Besides, none of what you’re experiencing was anything created by you anyway. You are just the innocent person who’s having to deal with all this now. I say this with some trepidation because I do have a lot of empathy for this worldview. 

I know why it happens. I know that people who really believe this, like, there’s a reason why, and it’s because you’ve lived through very hard things, in contrast with somebody who has a high degree of internal power and control, who has a strong belief. “Yes, I am an active agent in my own life. Maybe, if I’m getting this reaction from somebody else, it’s because I’m doing something that they’re reacting to.” Right? 

I mean, we can go too far in the other direction with thinking that you’re responsible for everything. That’s not helpful either. But just to have some concept of that, “If I study and I work really hard at school, then I will get good grades. If I do XYZ in this professional situation, here’s the career path that I could develop down the line.” There’s a sense of agency and efficacy. 

When you are dating and looking for a life partner, I would encourage you to listen for stories around, does this person have an internal locus of control that is positive and that is strong? Are they the central agents in their own life? Do they make things happen, or do other things happen to them? That’s something that I would listen for. 

Is there a commitment to personal growth and self-development that can come up in many ways, whether or not they have been in, like, a formal personal growth situation like  therapy or coaching? Of course, if you are in a relationship and thinking about how to be a really good partner, I would encourage you to think about those things as well. What are you doing to develop yourself and your skills?

Again, it’s so easy to blame our partners, “Well, I wouldn’t get frustrated if he stopped doing this.” Right? Do you know why you’re getting frustrated? What are those triggers for you? Have you dug into that self exploration?

“Why do I feel the way I feel? Why do I react in the situation? Why is that so important to me? How do I communicate that to my partner? Am I doing it in an emotionally safe way? How do I respond to them when they told me something that is challenging to hear? Or if they need emotional care and comfort, how am I showing up for them?” Because, again, most of the time, even though we don’t know it, we are reaping what we actively sow into relationship systems.

Most of the time, not all the time. Yes, you can partner with a sociopath; that happens. But that is the subject of a different podcast. This one is how to be a really good partner. I’d invite you to think about that. If your relationship is feeling hard, how much responsibility are you taking for those outcomes? What are you doing to work on it on your own, not waiting for your partner? 

Hey, the fact that you’re listening to this podcast means that you’re already working on yourself, right? You are educating yourself about relationships. You are open to thinking about things differently. There’s so many other things that you can do in this sort of realm. There are wonderful relationship books that you can check out, basically anything written by either of the Gottman is great, Sue Johnson’s work , anything reliable and scientifically based. 

Obviously, related to attachment theory or systems theory is really helpful. Don’t stop here; keep going. But with that focus on, “Who am i? How am I showing up? How am I intentionally developing myself in order to be a better partner?” If you are in a relationship, and you haven’t yet explored and intentionally developed some of the emotional intelligence skills that I talked about a little bit ago, now’s the time. Go ahead and do that.

Share it. Share this with your partner, and to say, “I want to be a really good partner for you. These are some of the things that I’m thinking about working on. What else would be meaningful or helpful for you in order for you to have a more positive experience in this relationship with me? Because I have psychological flexibility. I have empathy. I can understand your feelings, and I care about them, and I am taking personal responsibility.”

“I’m willing to work on myself, and I am committed to the ‘we’. I know that this relationship isn’t all about me. I know that we’re doing this together. My work on being a really good partner is not going to just benefit you, it’s going to benefit me, too, because we’re in ‘us,’ and I’m committed to doing this for you.” It’s okay to say that.

Okay, I hope that this discussion was helpful for you. If you are out in the world dating, I hope that you think about some of these things that I’ve been discussing today. Because it’s very easy to miss some of these big pieces when you’re feeling attracted to somebody and you’re excited about them. 

If you’re in a committed long-term relationship, I hope that this discussion was helpful, and allowed you to think about how you can be the catalyst for positive change in your relationship by being a really good life partner for your partner. Okay, that is all for today. Thank you again for joining me, and I mentioned a number of past podcast episodes. In this one, you can scroll back through my feed wherever you listen on Apple podcasts, on Spotify for all the past podcasts. 

Also, please know that in addition to these podcasts that I make for you, we have tons of articles on many subjects on the website growingself.com. Articles around emotional intelligence and how to build it. Articles around communication skills, particularly around empathy, validation, responsiveness. Articles on emotional safety, healthy relationships, secure attachment, so many things related to this topic of how to be a really good life partner. 

They are all for you, and I hope you take advantage of all of them. All right. Take care, and I’ll be back soon. In the meantime, please enjoy more Angharad Drake, with her cover of Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You from the album Summer of Love . 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Learn more about Dr. Lisa

Marriage Counseling Questions | Couples Therapy Questions

If you’re considering getting involved in marriage counseling, couples therapy, or relationship coaching you probably have questions! Get your marriage counseling questions answered , right here.

Relationship Advice

Our relationship experts have tons of free, helpful relationship advice on numerous topics to support you both on your journey of growth together. View our relationship advice.

How Healthy Is Your Relationship?

Take our free relationship quiz to discover your strengths and growth opportunities, and get expert recommendations.

When To Get Marriage Counseling?

Was that just a yucky fight? Or is your relationship really in trouble? Here’s how to tell when to get marriage counseling.

What To Expect From Marriage Counseling

Learn what to expect from marriage counseling, from your first free consultation to the triumphant “graduation” from couples therapy.

Relationship Coaching vs. Couples Therapy

What’s the difference between relationship coaching vs couples therapy? Learn about both approaches, and which is right for you.

How to Find a Marriage Counselor

Not all marriage counselors are the same. Getting involved with a bad one can be a disaster.  Here’s how to find a good marriage counselor…

Pre Marriage Counseling

Couples counseling before marriage  is not the same thing as premarital counseling . Many couples need to grow together before they can move forward.

How Long Does Marriage Counseling Take?

You shouldn’t be in marriage counseling for years. Learn the average length of marriage counseling , depending on your situation, and your relationship goals.

How Marriage Counseling Work s

Marriage counseling works, but how? Learn how marriage counseling works, and how the process can help you grow, together.

Does Couples Therapy Work?

Couples who successfully work through rough patches come out stronger than ever before. If you’re wondering,  “Does couples therapy work?”  read this article for the inside scoop.

Can We Do Marriage Counseling Online?

Online marriage counseling can be incredibly convenient and effective — but not always. Learn when online marriage counseling is the best bet, and when it’s a bad idea…

Can You Do Long-Distance Couples Therapy?

Yes, we provide long-distance couples counseling from all over the world through secure, easy, three-way online video.

Does Insurance Cover Marriage Counseling?

Insurance can pay for marriage counseling (aka, family therapy), but only sometimes. Learn when insurance covers marriage counseling , and when it won’t.

How Much is Marriage Counseling?

Getting expert help for your marriage can be the best, most life-changing decision you ever make.  How much do couples therapy and marriage counseling cost? Get all the details, here.

Gift Relationship Help

If you have a loved one who is struggling in their relationship, you can help them get help by “gifting” couples counseling or coaching. Here’s how…

Discernment Counseling For Couples

Before marriage counseling can work, both partners need to want it to work. Discernment counseling helps you resolve ambivalence, and get clarity.

Why Evidence-Based Therapy Matters

Marriage counseling can be a huge waste of time if your counselor doesn’t practice evidence-based approaches to marriage counseling. Here’s why… 

Online Couples Therapy

We offer  Denver couples therapy and Denver marriage counseling  as well as online couples therapy. Learn about our  online couples therapy  services.

Our Relationship Services

We offer premarital counseling , sex therapy , perinatal counseling , parent coaching , affair recovery , blended family counseling , financial therapy for couples , and more. Learn about all our couples counseling services .

Meet Our Relationship Experts

Growing Self relationship experts are marriage and family therapists with specialized training and experience in effective, evidence-based approaches to help couples grow, together. Meet our team of relationship experts… 

The Best Marriage Counseling

Curious to hear what others have to say about their experience with “the best marriage counselor?” Read their stories…

Free Resources, For You.

Our experts are incredibly generous and have put together an entire library of free resources and actionable advice to support you on your quest for Love, Happiness, and Success. View our blog + podcast.

More Questions? Let’s Talk.

We’re available by phone, email, and chat, and happy to answer any of your questions personally. Get in touch, anytime.

Start Couples Counseling or Coaching

Ready to begin marriage counseling, couples therapy, or relationship coaching with Growing Self? Start by scheduling a free consultation meeting with the expert of your choice.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of "Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love," and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

All good advice, however, 2 points Emotional Intelligence and Empathy.

What if your partner has Aspergers, ADHD and Alexithymia and they were born without these connections in their brain and therefore do not have these two aspects to be able to make a good Life Partner?

Chrissy, agreed. If you’re clear that what you need in a good life partner is someone who has a high degree of empathy and emotional intelligence, being in a relationship with someone who does not have strengths in these areas is going to feel difficult for you.

One path forward here is to focus on the positive qualities and strengths they do have, and choose to appreciate and build on those. Another possible option for you is to help your partner understand that their current deficits in these areas feel like a dealbreaker for you, and see if they are open to building emotional intelligence skills through individual and relationship coaching. If, however, they’re not interested in doing that, and there aren’t enough positives to offset what you’re not getting in terms of empathy and EI, it could very well be that this is not the ideal relationship for you.

If you are trying to figure out whether or not change is possible in this relationship, I’d encourage you to explore discernment counseling with your partner. That will help you get clarity about the potential for positive change, so that you can make informed decisions.

I hope that helps give you some direction. Wishing you all the best… Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

• 720.370.1800
• Intl 844.331.1993

Why Finding a Life Partner Isn’t That Simple

Why operant conditioning can make dating tough, and what to do about it..

Posted April 17, 2013 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

Why Some People Can't Find Anyone to Marry By Fredric Neuman M.D.

I felt compelled to respond to Dr. Frederic Neumann’s recent post “ Why Some People Can’t Find Anyone to Marry .” In it, Dr. Neuman mentions some of the very real challenges faced by people who want a partner, particularly people out of their 20s, who often find that many if not most of the people they’re meeting are already married.

At the end of the day, however, the gist of his post is this: “It seems to me obvious that the more people you meet, the more likely it is that you will meet and marry someone appropriate. If you really want to meet and marry someone.”

Ouch on that “if you really want to meet and marry someone” (emphasis mine).*

But many other psychologists and psychiatrists agree. Dr. Henry Cloud wrote an entire book based on this idea: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping .

But these things stick in my craw, because the implicit message is that the single person just needs to try harder. That is, people who would never dream of telling a depressed person to “just try harder,” to pull herself “up by the bootstraps,” or to “just get over it” have no problems telling single people exactly that when it comes to finding a life partner.

While it may seem just that simple from the married side of the fence (just the way it does from the non-depressed side of the fence), it’s not. If it were, there would be fewer single people wishing they could find a partner and more people finding partners.

Let’s think about what we know about operant conditioning . Thorndike’s Law of Effect says that when a behavior is followed by pleasant consequences, it’s likely to be repeated, while a behavior followed by unpleasant consequences is not. If someone says they do not like dating, or some aspect of dating, or if they are anxious about marriage , something (or many somethings) about the courting process have acted as punishers or negative reinforcers, thereby reducing the likelihood that the person will continue to seek mates using the same techniques he or she has in the past.**

Further, unpleasant experiences can stunt the creation of or damage feelings of self-efficacy . Singles may lose their confidence , believe there’s something wrong with them, and have more trouble recovering from setbacks.

However, this does not mean that the person does not still want a relationship, possibly including a life or marital partner. The problem is that everything she has tried so far has not been reinforcing because it hasn’t worked . Telling her to go out there and do more of what has not worked for her may be practical—there are only so many ways to find potential partners—but of course she’s going to balk. In some ways, you’re telling her that her not-reinforcing experiences are less important than your (fortunately) reinforcing experiences.

Everyone who gets married hopes their relationship will be one for the storybooks. Yet many marriages end in divorce . What’s the trick? Do people who stay married just know better how to pick partners? In some cases, perhaps, but I’d argue that at least some percentage of the time it’s just dumb luck. You were lucky enough to pick someone who ended up being a good (or at least tolerable) match for you. Whatever revelations came after the “I Do”s were things you could live with. And the benefits outweigh the costs, at least for now.

At the end of the post, Dr. Neuman talks briefly about how people who worry that marriage will be unpleasant or find the process of looking uncomfortable or demeaning, saying that these problems “are an outgrowth of certain inaccurate ideas some people have developed about themselves and about the world.” While he does mention psychotherapy in passing, the emphasis is “If people can be persuaded not to be proud and not to be fearful, there are plenty of opportunities to find someone to share their lives.”***

If someone has had bad experiences with dating or with a previous marriage, are their ideas about future experiences inaccurate ? After all, just because someone has a phobia of elevators because one malfunctioned while they were on board doesn’t mean they should be afraid of all elevators. (Unless you’re the sister of one of my students, who has had three elevator traumas .) Realistically, though, dating is not always fun. (And for some people, it’s usually not fun.)

Some people are introverts , or socially anxious, or have experienced rejection or disapproval for things they can’t control (e.g., a disability, having children). They may just not like getting coffee with strangers. Maybe they find coffeehouses boring . Add to that the fact that dating is time consuming. When you have a busy job or children, for example, there may be barriers to going out with every potential match you meet.

And even if these singles do go out with many, many people, at what point are they choosing a relationship not because the potential partner in question is an excellent match, but because they just want to stop the discomfort of dating?

Dr. Neuman says, “[Some people] really do not want to get married; they want to maintain a fiction of aspiring to marriage; but it is only a fiction.”

I’m not sure exactly what that means, because I’m not sure for whom the fiction is being maintained. For family members who wish the individual would just get hitched? Or for oneself? People can certainly maintain fictions to avoid unpleasant situations or experiences (for example, once in a while someone will attend therapy religiously to maintain the illusion that they are going to change their lives when they really have no intention of doing so), but if it’s for oneself, isn’t that an interesting fiction to choose?

Coupled people may not always realize that singlehood can also be incredibly reinforcing. Singles often enjoy their autonomy—for example, they don’t have to share financial decisions, they can come home whenever they like, and they can maintain their own space exactly the way they want it. Giving those things up—especially if someone has had bad experiences in the past—can be tough.

It’s not an either/or issue—you’re either dying to get married or you’re damned if you’re going to give up singlehood. We live in a coupled world, and many people are so afraid of being alone that they don’t know how to be alone. Yet when a single who enjoys being independent (regardless of how much she also wants a partner) wants to find a partner who is more reinforcing than that autonomy says that she’s having trouble finding a good match, the statistics come out. There may well be 8 million people in New York City, but most of them won’t do, and that’s an awful big haystack to sort through.

And Internet dating may actually be a hindrance for some people. Glamour magazine has an interesting article out this month called “ Why You Should Stop Googling Your Dates .” In it, author Samantha Henig argues that online information about potential dates can be problematic.

"Technology makes it very easy to eliminate people on the basis of what, in the grand picture of a relationship, might end up being a pretty negligible point," says Nicole B. Ellison, Ph.D ., an associate professor of information at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, who explains that the treasure trove of data available via social media sites has encouraged people to treat their dating options like a shopping experience. I've certainly been guilty of the picky-shopper approach: Some nights I have two tabs on my computer open at once—Anthropologie for clothes and OkCupid for guys. I toggle between them, clicking and evaluating. This sweater is too cropped. That guy is too short. Too conservative a neckline. Too conservative a profile. Mama's boy? Dry-clean only? Too high-maintenance. Next. "You're trying to suss out: Will this person and I have a connection? Actually, there is no evidence that we can assess that online," says Eli J. Finkel, Ph.D ., a professor of psychology at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, whose research on online dating shows that misconceptions are rampant. "You think you know what you want, but what you really need is to sit across from each other and get a beer."

Yes, good online dating leads to sitting down and getting a drink, but it’s easy to rule out potentially wonderful partners based on negligible facts. You never really know if you have chemistry until you meet.

Maybe rather than telling singles they just need to try harder, we should try harder to help them. Don’t tell them to stop being picky or make more of an effort. Honestly, those things can create so much defiant anger in the single person that it becomes a barrier to looking. Rather, appreciate that there are a lot of benefits to being single and that they may have trouble giving those up. Empathize. Help them build their self-efficacy by encouraging them. Remind them how good they are at facing other challenges in their lives.

Realize that they may want to go new places and try new things to meet people, but they’re uncomfortable doing it alone or can’t afford a regular babysitter. So offer to take a class with them or watch their kids while they go on a date. If you really think they’re hung up on something— low self-esteem , having trouble putting their best foot forward—offer to role-play with them or suggest that therapy might help. And when they’re ready to try putting themselves out there, you can support them just by being willing to listen to the ups and downs of being out there.

If their previous experiences with dating haven’t been reinforcing, remind them that it may not necessarily be the dating itself that’s so unpleasant—it may be that they’re uncomfortable with particular aspects of it. Some people hate meeting strangers for coffee, and others find that walking up to an attractive individual is difficult for them.

Let's do some problem solving. What changes can they make to reduce the punishing aspects of dating? If they’re frustrated with online dating, have they tried different types of searches? Have they tried different sites? Different sites attract different kinds of people, and sometimes the paid sites are a better bet than the free ones because they throw out scammers and people who behave inappropriately. What about attending singles events? Some dating sites have started offering these types of events, which are focused on an activity like cooking or learning to ballroom dance. What about speed dating? Blind dating? Help them come up with other creative ideas.

What about the people who are avoiding dating because they’ve had bad experiences with marriage? Remind them that they’re not getting married to anyone they date right out of the gate. They can take any relationship as slowly as they want, testing the waters along the way. There is, of course, a potential for conflict and pain in any new romantic relationship , but that’s also true of other close relationships—family, friendships—that are worth having. And if the single decides to hold off on marriage for a while or comes to the conclusion that marrying even someone they love and trust is not for them? That’s totally okay.

I certainly see the value in “feeling the fear and doing it anyway,” and sometimes that’s good advice. But if the single truly feels stuck, trust me, it’s not that simple. True, they may need to try some different approaches, but to the people who want to help them—maybe so do you.

* I want to acknowledge that in many cases Dr. Neuman and I are saying similar things, the difference being that he said them in passing, while I’m making them the focus of my post. There’s only so much you can say in a blog post, and we all decide what to emphasize and what to mention only in passing. It’s also easy to read into things other people have written online. I doubt this was intended to be an “ouch” statement.

** For the sake of brevity and consistency, I have used the pronoun “she” in most cases. By no means is this meant to imply that the above does not apply equally to males.

*** Dr. Neuman did write another post in response to a reader e-mail he received, addressing the reader’s feelings of low self-worth. If you’re interested in how therapy might be able to help someone who is held back by negative feelings about themselves, check out his Low Self-Esteem post.

Finally, for writers—relationships can be tough. How can you show the struggles singles face in your stories?

Dr. Carolyn Kaufman is the author of The Writer's Guide to Psychology: How to Write Accurately About Psychological Disorders, Clinical Treatment and Human Behavior .

Carolyn Kaufman, Psy.D. , was an Assistant Professor at Columbus State Community College and author of The Writer’s Guide to Psychology . She passed away from a brain aneurysm in 2016.

• Find a Therapist
• Find a Treatment Center
• Find a Psychiatrist
• Find a Support Group
• Find Teletherapy
• United States
• Brooklyn, NY
• Chicago, IL
• Houston, TX
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York, NY
• Portland, OR
• San Diego, CA
• San Francisco, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Washington, DC
• Asperger's
• Bipolar Disorder
• Chronic Pain
• Eating Disorders
• Passive Aggression
• Personality
• Goal Setting
• Positive Psychology
• Stopping Smoking
• Low Sexual Desire
• Relationships
• Child Development
• Therapy Center NEW
• Diagnosis Dictionary
• Types of Therapy

Understanding what emotional intelligence looks like and the steps needed to improve it could light a path to a more emotionally adept world.

• Coronavirus Disease 2019
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience

My Ideal Partner Essay & paragraphs for Students

The concept of an ideal partner is a deeply personal and subjective one, shaped by individual preferences, cultural influences, and personal experiences. This essay aims to delve into the characteristics and qualities that, in my perspective, make up the archetype of my ideal partner.

Table of Contents

Essay On My Ideal Partner

An ideal partner is not about achieving perfection, but rather about compatibility and shared values. It involves finding someone who complements you and with whom you can cultivate a fulfilling relationship.

Emotional Compatibility: The Keystone of a Relationship

Emotionally, my ideal partner would be one who understands and respects my feelings. They should possess empathy, patience, and the ability to provide emotional support in times of distress, forming the cornerstone of our emotional bond.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Intellectual Compatibility: A Meeting of Minds

Intellectual compatibility is another key aspect of my ideal partner. I place high importance on intellectual engagement, and thus, my ideal partner would be someone open to intellectual discourse, enabling us to learn from each other and broaden our horizons.

Shared Values and Interests: Building Common Ground

Having shared values and interests significantly enhances relationship compatibility. In my ideal partner, I seek shared beliefs, moral values, and common activities that we both enjoy. These shared elements form the foundation of our mutual understanding and connection.

Honesty and Trustworthiness: The Pillars of a Strong Partnership

Honesty and trustworthiness are paramount in my definition of an ideal partner. They should value honesty, display integrity in their actions, and prove themselves reliable and trustworthy, fostering a sense of security and trust within the relationship.

Respect and Equality: Nurturing Mutual Respect

In my ideal partner, I seek someone who respects me as an individual and treats me as an equal. They should value my opinions, support my ambitions, and appreciate my individuality, fostering a sense of equality and mutual respect.

Personal Growth: The Evolution of the Self and the Relationship

Personal growth plays a significant role in a relationship, involving individual development and collective evolution within the partnership.

Supporting Personal Growth: Fostering Individual Development

My ideal partner would be someone who encourages my personal growth, supports my ambitions, inspires me to improve, and stands by me as I strive towards my goals.

Growing Together: Evolving as a Couple

Growing together involves adapting, compromising, and working on improving the relationship. My ideal partner and I would strive to continuously enhance our relationship, overcome challenges collectively, and make shared decisions that benefit both of us.

Valuing Independence: Preserving Individuality

While togetherness is vital, it’s equally important to maintain individuality in a relationship. My ideal partner would respect my need for personal space and independence, allowing me to pursue my interests and have time alone when necessary.

Cherishing Togetherness: Celebrating Unity

Conversely, my ideal partner and I would cherish our moments of togetherness. We would enjoy shared activities, create lasting memories together, and value the quality time we spend with each other.

Conclusion: My Ideal Partner – A Mosaic of Qualities

In conclusion, my ideal partner would possess a blend of qualities that contribute to a healthy, fulfilling relationship. They would be emotionally and intellectually compatible, share common values and interests, and display honesty, trustworthiness, respect, and equality. They would foster my personal growth, value my independence, and cherish our unity. While this ideal may not exist in absolute perfection, it serves as a guiding framework for the qualities I value in a partner and aspire to bring to a relationship myself.

Hello! Welcome to my Blog StudyParagraphs.co. My name is Angelina. I am a college professor. I love reading writing for kids students. This blog is full with valuable knowledge for all class students. Thank you for reading my articles.

Related Posts:

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

• Parenting & Family Parenting Family Pregnancy
• Courses Marriage Save My Marriage Pre Marriage
• Quizzes Relationship Quizzes Love Quizzes Couples Quiz
• Find a Therapist

How to Choose a Life Partner That Is Perfect for You: 25 Ways

In This Article

Finding the right partner feels like a whole lot of work. There are so many moving parts to a relationship–attractiveness, trust, honesty, communication, intimacy, sex life, etc.–that it may feel like there’s no hope in finding a partner that you can spend your life with.

Well, I’m here to tell you that there is hope!

Choosing a wife or a husband isn’t hard because it’s impossible. It’s hard because we go about it the wrong way. We look outward to the world and hope we can find someone to complete us rather than looking inward at ourselves and making ourselves whole first.

Wondering how to choose a life partner? The key to the best relationships or to choosing a life partner is working on the one you have with yourself.

Let’s run that back for the purpose of clarity.

The key to the best relationships is working on the one you have with yourself.

5 tips for making a wise decision while choosing the right life partner

Selecting the right life partner is pivotal for lasting happiness. Explore these five essential tips to make a wise and fulfilling choice:

• Prioritize a partner who aligns with your core values and life goals to ensure a harmonious long-term relationship.
• Choose someone with whom you can openly and honestly communicate, fostering understanding and resolving conflicts constructively.
• Assess emotional intelligence and compatibility as these factors contribute to a supportive and resilient partnership.
• A healthy relationship requires mutual respect. Ensure your partner respects you, your opinions, and your autonomy.
• Look for a partner committed to a shared long-term vision, as this fosters stability and a sense of security in your future together.

How to choose a life partner: 25 ways

So, what do you look for in a relationship? What to look for in a relationship?

It may sound cliche to you, and if it does, let that be a signal that you should lean in and pay attention. There are things that you need to address before choosing the right partner for marriage–or letting the right relationship find you.

What are the factors that you need to consider in choosing a lifelong partner?

Follow these factors to consider in understanding how to choose the correct life partner, give each one your full attention, and be patient with the process. Your dream relationship is just around the corner.

1. Learn to love yourself

Learning to love yourself is a two-phase process: first, you need to acknowledge your strengths and your weaknesses. Then, you need to appreciate and love them for what they are.

For practicing self-love , know that every part of you has value. Relish in what you’re good at, and recognize where you can improve. It’s all an amazing melting pot of who you are.

Here’s the key, though: if you can’t learn to recognize your greatness in all that is good and bad about you, no one else will.

According to  Dr. Rossana Sida :

If you hide the less desirable parts of yourself, you’ll never be able to fully trust that they love you. How can they love you if they don’t know you?  

Until you appreciate all that you are and own it, there will always be some subconscious doubt that you give off. It’s like a “quality relationship repellant” of sorts. People will feel that self-doubt and not want to partake in that baggage.

Do not skip this step!

How you treat yourself is a billboard showing everyone else how you should be treated. Make sure that the message is a good one.

2. Get real (without judgment) about your dating patterns

Now that you’ve learned to love yourself a little better (it’s never going to be perfect; we’re only human), it’s time to do some inventory of your past. So, show yourself some grace. Be kind to your former self. We are all flawed. You are no exception.

As you look back at your previous serious relationships, you’ll start to recognize a pattern. You may notice that you picked people that you knew you couldn’t trust so that you could have an easy out if they acted shadily. 

You may notice that the people you latched onto didn’t have a lot going on in their lives. Maybe you wanted to feel superior, or maybe you wanted to be the center of their world.

3. Be unapologetically you

This step is the most fun because it is the ultimate filter. You are going to weed out people that aren’t a good fit for you and draw in those that are perfect for you. It might rub some people the wrong way, but if it does, let them go.

Once you’ve done the work to love yourself a little more and recognize your missteps of the past, you can step into the shoes you were meant to walk in all along. You will exude confidence and be a magnet to quality people who will appreciate every morsel for your being.

Will it feel uncomfortable at first? Absolutely.

But there will be more beauty here than anything you’ve experienced in the past as you’ve stumbled from person to person. This will be your sign to the world that you’re ready for whoever can handle you.

That person will show up, I promise you.

4. Look for someone who makes you laugh

So, how to choose a life partner?

When you are on the lookout for a suitable partner, make sure the person who interests you is someone with a good sense of humor , and this is what you must seek while choosing a marriage partner without any doubts.

At the end of the day, you just want someone you can wind down with, and if the person has the tendency to remain glum, you are not going to quite like it.

5. Learn from your experience

What went wrong in your relationships? How much did your actions or your partner’s play a role in the demise of those relationships?

Each relationship teaches us one or the other things. These lessons are very vital in order to move ahead. 

Now that you have experience, start switching things up. Make a conscious effort to avoid people that remind you of your past. Give more weightage to the elements of the relationship that really matter to you. Try not to ignore them as you did in the past.

Doing the same things you did in the past won’t get you better results in the future. Acknowledge where you went wrong, then change that behavior to invite better people into your world.

6. Opposites attract

While choosing the right partner for marriage, it is often said that opposites attract . It is because when you look for a suitable partner, the things that you might be missing are already there in the other person who draws you towards them. In a way, it makes you feel whole. 

So, when you are choosing the right one for yourself, make sure they aren’t exactly like you. At the end of the day, there should be certain levels of surprise and mystery.

7. Ensure you both have common basics

As much as you would like your suitable partner to be a little different from you, you need to ensure that both of you share similar values. 

Having shared values reinforces the foundation of your relationship. Simple things such as consensus on the number of children you want or living within your means create a conducive environment for your relationship to thrive.

The core values should match with your suitable partner to a certain extent in order to avoid conflict in the long run— for example, your thoughts on parenting, marriage, spirituality, and other beliefs.

8. Don’t settle for less

There could be times when you will feel desperate about how to choose a life partner for yourself. You would want to adjust and compromise and settle for less than what you once wanted. However, we suggest that you wait.

It is because settling for less will not give you any feeling of fulfillment either in the short term or in the long term.

9. Find someone who is a first, a good human

At one point, you will feel that you have found your suitable partner because they shower you with love, gifts, and compliments, but that is not all you must look for. 

As you move ahead with each other, love will take a backseat, and you both will be exposed to each other as a person- who you are from inside.

So, always choose a good human being over someone who is only competent to express their love better.

10. Check your communication compatibility

Are you able to communicate well with your potential partner? This is an important question to consider when learning how to choose a right life partner. 

Communication is one of the important elements of the relationship. Studies show that if you are not able to comfortably talk or listen to each other, it either needs to be worked upon, or you can consider another choice.

Effective communication is what keeps the relationship going . In the long run, this is one of the biggest problem-solvers in the relationship.

11. Be open to dates

Just because you have had heartbreaks in the past doesn’t mean you should lose hope. In order to choose the right guy or girl, you should shed your apprehensions, go out, and be open to meeting people.

But how can dating and courtship help you choose your lifetime partner? 

This will also expand your horizons and help you understand what exactly you are looking for in a suitable partner. This means you learn a lot about yourself apart from teaching yourself to take rejections so hard.

12. Avoid quick decisions

Just because you are on a spree on how to choose a life partner doesn’t mean you have to make quick decisions as soon as you find someone good enough. Remember, all that glitters is not gold. Each person has different layers. 

So, take your time to understand the person before delving deeper into the relationship.

13. Maintain a distance from negativity

In order to get real with both phases of that process, you need to create space in your life. Create distance between you and the toxic people that may fog your judgment. 

Create space for yourself by meditating or picking up a hobby that you used to enjoy. Do anything you can to give yourself the mental space necessary to sit back and see yourself for who you are.

14. Spend a lot of time together

The more time you spend with your prospective partner , the better it will be for you to understand them. 

So, in the process of choosing a spouse, do not avoid meeting them. Meet at different times and different places, from brunches to dinner dates, from adventure parks to movie parks. Meet them often to get to know all shades of them.

15. Remain positive

Have you been wondering how to choose a good life partner? 

Last but not least, remain positive. Do not think negatively just because you see everyone around you committed while you are still struggling to find a suitable partner. The more negative you are, the more it will show up in your conversations, and it is not very attractive, is it?

16. Choose someone who respects you

It is difficult to lead your life with someone who disrespects you or your personality or downplays your ambitions in life. 

When choosing a life partner, be sure to select someone who will respect all aspects of your life. Mutual respect is one of the defining traits to look for in a life partner.

17. Choose an honest life partner

If a relationship is not enshrined in a culture of honesty and trust, it will definitely fail. To build a culture of honesty and trust in your relationship , choosing the best life partner who does not refrain from open and genuine communication is important.

18. Consider a life partner keen on your life

A person willing to be in a long-term relationship with you will show genuine support for your ambitions and goals in life. Your potential life partner should be supportive of your plans to advance your career or pursue a worthy course.

19. Ability to cope with your family

One of the factors to consider when choosing a life partner is to consider their ability to adjust to your family.

Your family will always be a key support system in your life. They can tell if your prospective life partner is suitable or unsuitable for you. If he or she cannot cope with your family members, you might be choosing a life partner who is not right for you.

20. Assess the intellectual level of your partner

Wondering what to look for in a partner? If you are a high achiever and aggressive in pursuing your dreams, consider a person with the same attributes. 

Choosing a laid-back person could cause problems in your relationship . Both of you must view things and reason almost from the same standpoint. Out of all the factors to consider in choosing a lifetime partner, similar intellectual prowess. 

21. Nurture great friendships first

Having a network of true friends provides perspective as you prepare for a relationship. Great friendships provide a basis for what love ought to be. They demonstrate that love should be purely based on choice as opposed to any need.

22. Anger management skills

A relationship involves two people with unique personalities. At times, you might have ugly arguments in which negative emotions are high. You might say hurtful things about one another. 

How your potential life partner reacts to anger reveals a lot about future reactions. If your prospective life partner cannot handle anger well, the situation can get out of control when you get married. 

The ability to manage or control their anger is one of the vital qualities of a good marriage partner.

23. Ability to forgive and forget

Closely related to anger management skills is your partner’s ability to forgive and forget. Love does not always revolve around sex, kissing, and other intimate stuff. 

Arguments are deemed to occur in one way or another. Be keen to get a partner who does not keep dwelling on disagreements that happened in the past.

Watch this video to learn how to seek forgiveness when your relationship is on the line:

24. Consider taking the Rice Purity test

This test entails a set of ‘Have you ever questions’ in which you are supposed to give a yes or no response. The questions entail issues such as sex and drugs. The test assesses your “purity” level. 

Look for a comprehensive guide about the Rice Purity test to get more useful information.

25. Willingness to invest in the relationship

A relationship is a two-way street. Each party must be determined to make the relationship work . When choosing the right partner for marriage, select a person who allocates time for you and demonstrates concern for your needs.

Choosing a life partner is a significant step, impacting your happiness and well-being. Here are concise insights to guide you on this journey:

What are the most important qualities to look for in a life partner?

Look for shared values, effective communication, emotional intelligence, mutual respect, and a common long-term vision to ensure a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

How can I know if I’m ready for marriage?

Evaluate your emotional maturity, communication skills, and shared goals. Being ready for marriage involves self-awareness, commitment, and a shared vision for the future.

What are some red flags to look out for in potential partners?

Watch for signs of dishonesty, lack of respect, incompatible values, and a history of unhealthy relationships. Identifying red flags early can save you from potential heartache.

What are some tips for having healthy and lasting relationships?

Prioritize effective communication, active listening, mutual respect, quality time together, and continuous personal growth. These elements contribute to building and sustaining healthy, long-lasting relationships.

To wrap up, if you are wondering how to choose the right partner for marriage, you have to use both your heart and brain when choosing a life partner. 

As you select your partner, these tips are golden, and you’d be wise to give them a go if you’re on the search for your Mr. or Mrs. Right. They are out there, but they won’t find their way to you until you start loving yourself and showing that to the world around you.

Good luck. It’s about to get really good for you.

Share this article on

Nidhi is a passionate blogger and currently, She is working as a full-time blogger at Girlsspecial.com. Before choosing your partner you should opt for Purity test. Take your test today.

Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?

If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.

Take Course

Learn More On This Topic

Relationship

By mary fisher.

By Editorial Team, Relationship & Marriage Advice

By Rachael Pace

Approved By Milica Markovic, Psychologist Coach MA

By Stuart Fensterheim, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

You May Also Like

Emotional Intimacy

Approved by angela welch, marriage & family therapist.

Approved By Dionne Eleanor, Coach

Zodiac Signs

By marriage.com editorial team, relationship & marriage advice.

By Kelli H, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Approved By Christiana Njoku, Licensed Professional Counselor

By Draven Porter

Recent articles.

By Calantha Quinlan

By Owen Kessler

Popular topics on married life.

Home — Essay Samples — Life — Marriage — The Journey of Married Life

The Journey of Married Life

• Categories: Happy Marriage Marriage

About this sample

Words: 697 |

Published: Sep 16, 2023

Words: 697 | Pages: 2 | 4 min read

Table of contents

The foundation of love and commitment, the joys of partnership, the challenges and growth, the fulfillment of family, the importance of continuous investment, conclusion: the ever-evolving journey.

Cite this Essay

Let us write you an essay from scratch

• 450+ experts on 30 subjects ready to help
• Custom essay delivered in as few as 3 hours

Get high-quality help

Verified writer

• Expert in: Life

+ 120 experts online

By clicking “Check Writers’ Offers”, you agree to our terms of service and privacy policy . We’ll occasionally send you promo and account related email

No need to pay just yet!

Related Essays

2 pages / 714 words

2 pages / 751 words

2 pages / 904 words

2 pages / 994 words

Remember! This is just a sample.

You can get your custom paper by one of our expert writers.

121 writers online

Still can’t find what you need?

Browse our vast selection of original essay samples, each expertly formatted and styled

Related Essays on Marriage

Financial problems cause divorce—this is a statement that captures the intricate connection between financial stress and the breakdown of marital relationships. Marriage is a union built on shared dreams, responsibilities, and [...]

Arranged marriages have been a traditional practice in many cultures and societies around the world for centuries. In an arranged marriage, the bride and groom are selected by their families, with the couple often meeting for [...]

Life is a journey filled with choices, and one of the most significant choices many people face is whether to embrace the single life or commit to the institution of marriage. Each path offers its unique set of experiences, [...]

When thinking about an ideal husband, one may consider qualities such as loyalty, honesty, and support. However, the ideal husband is more than just a list of positive traits; he is someone who understands and respects his [...]

Man is a social animal and is not fit for one to live alone. Marriage is one of the most basic and important social institution of Indian society and also an important stage in one's life. The concept of marriage varies from [...]

Kate Chopin's 'The Story of an Hour' is a psychological exploration of one woman's response to learning that her husband has just been killed in an accident. The story's narrative twist is that it goes against the reader's [...]

Related Topics

By clicking “Send”, you agree to our Terms of service and Privacy statement . We will occasionally send you account related emails.

Where do you want us to send this sample?

By clicking “Continue”, you agree to our terms of service and privacy policy.

Be careful. This essay is not unique

This essay was donated by a student and is likely to have been used and submitted before

Download this Sample

Free samples may contain mistakes and not unique parts

Sorry, we could not paraphrase this essay. Our professional writers can rewrite it and get you a unique paper.

Please check your inbox.

We can write you a custom essay that will follow your exact instructions and meet the deadlines. Let's fix your grades together!

Get Your Personalized Essay in 3 Hours or Less!

We use cookies to personalyze your web-site experience. By continuing we’ll assume you board with our cookie policy .

• Instructions Followed To The Letter
• Deadlines Met At Every Stage
• Unique And Plagiarism Free

• Free Samples
• Premium Essays
• Editing Services Editing Proofreading Rewriting
• Extra Tools Essay Topic Generator Thesis Generator Citation Generator GPA Calculator Study Guides Donate Paper
• Essay Writing Help
• About Us About Us Testimonials FAQ
• Studentshare
• Selecting a Life Partner from a Systems Theory Perspective

Selecting a Life Partner from a Systems Theory Perspective - Essay Example

• Subject: Sociology
• Type: Essay
• Level: College
• Pages: 3 (750 words)
• Downloads: 2
• Author: alison29

Extract of sample "Selecting a Life Partner from a Systems Theory Perspective"

Selecting a Life Partner from a Systems Theory Perspective 8 March Introduction The relevance of systems theory to sociologists is frequently found in how it helps understand human behavior as a product of their systems, beginning with their immediate relationships, such as their families, and extending to their community, society, and nation (Parrish, 2010, p.203). For sociologists, systems theory provides a wide set of abstract concepts that helps interpret patterns of interfaces and relationships between individuals, groups, and bigger environments (Parrish, 2010, p.203). Systems theory can also help people make the right decisions in choosing a lifetime partner, because it will provide a way of seeing the fit between their subsystems and entire systems.

This paper aims to apply the systems theory perspective in selecting a life partner. It starts with an overview of the systems theory and then applies this theory to the process of picking a life partner. Systems Theory A system is a combination of elements or subsystems that are interconnected and depend on each other (Lamanna & Riedmann, 2009, p.38). Each unit, such as families and other dyadic interactions, is seen as behaving in a predictable manner, if the relationships between its elements are recognized and understood (Lamanna & Riedmann, 2009, p.38). The parts of the system stand for “an interactive and interdependent relationship” (Parrish, 2010, p.204). Systems call for a relational pattern of interactions and outcomes (Parrish, 2010, p.206). Instead of following a linear relationship of cause and effect, a transactional relationship is more evident for systems, where causes and effects affect each other in a circular manner (Parrish, 2010, p.206). One of the basic concepts of systems theory is promoted by Max Wertheimer, who said that “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts” (King & Wertheimer, 2005, cited in Parrish, 2010, p.207). Boundaries define the limits of systems and subsystems.

Family membership and other social alliances identify their systems and boundaries (Parrish, 2010, p.207). Some boundaries are given by roles, such as between parents and children, while others focus on relationships, such as families and neighbors (Parrish, 2010, p.207). Boundaries can differ according to firmness and looseness, while the permeability of boundaries can affect the level and extent of interaction between members of a given system and their external environment (Parrish, 2010, p.207). Too firm boundaries can result to isolation, while too loose boundaries can produce confusing roles and chaos (Parrish, 2010, p.207). Selecting a Life Partner from a Systems Theory Perspective Selecting a life partner is a process that systems theory can help explain and guide.

The couple or life partners can be seen as belonging to several subsystems. For instance, they both belong to their families, cultures, and societies. If they share no cultural differences, differences in family background can affect their relationship. This is why it is important to find a partner, whose family values are similar to one another. For example, if the man wants a woman who can accept being house-bound for the sake of raising a family, a career-oriented woman will hardly be suitable for him, unless that woman will be willing to set aside her career goals for the first five or so years of her children’s lives.

On the contrary, a strongly independent woman may look for a man who is not intimidated by her competitive nature. She will search for a man who veers away from traditional thinking and who will support her career ambitions, even if it means delaying having a family, or depending on a nanny to conduct child-rearing responsibilities that women stereotypically shoulder. Culture is also a strong system that can affect the process of selecting life partners. Cultures can have strong or loose boundaries when it comes to interracial marriages, for instance (Parrish, 2010, p.207). Those with strong boundaries will reject or will not support interracial marriages, for example.

Traditional Chinese families, for instance, prefer their Chinese children to marry “pure” Chinese partners. They even practice arranged marriages with their friends or acquaintances to make sure that their children marry the right “kind.” Their cultural boundaries are strongly firm and tend to reject interactions with foreign cultures on matters that concern intimate relationships. On the one hand, this may seem like a form of racial discrimination with superiority attributed to Chinese culture and genes.

On the other hand, this cultural practice of intracultural marriages may also be seen as a way of preserving traditional values and customs, by reducing exposure to foreign values and behaviors. Cultures with loose boundaries find interracial relationships as acceptable, on the contrary. For instance, many Americans see nothing wrong with finding Asian life partners. Some Americans even prefer Asian wives or husbands, because of the latter’s strong family values, where family is central to their existence.

This means that with Asian partners, they will have a greater chance of having an intact family and avoid divorce, which often negatively affects the well-being of involved children. In addition, these cultures select partners through “love” and not through arranged marriages. For them, they want life partners whom they love, where love presents a strong bond of emotional interdependence (Lee & Brosziewski, 2009, p.141). This essay concentrates on the issue of love when selecting life partners.

At present, some people believe that love is not the only ingredient in marriage, especially when it is related to romance. Having a family can be very demanding of time, energy and resources, and so romantic love alone cannot support a marriage. Instead, it is important to find a life partner who understands his/her partner’s immediate and long-term goals as individuals and as members of their family (Lee & Brosziewski, 2009, p.142). This includes sharing household tasks and responsibly and breaking gender norms and expectations.

Selecting a life partner may also mean considering having permeable systems, where extended families are tapped to help take care of and raise their children. This is common for Asian and Latin American families that have extended families, where grandparents, as well as uncles and aunts, are directly involved in rearing their grandchildren and nieces/nephews, respectively. As a result, these subsystems influence each other and how they are coordinated and reach similar goals can affect the happiness of the partners with their marriage and family life.

Thus, selecting a life partner also means marrying the partner’s family or clan, as well. Conclusion The systems theory helps people recognize that selecting life partners includes understanding the subsystems that shape them and the roles that these people want to or already take in their systems. It also means possibly combining diverse subsystems upon marriage or cohabitation. Sociologists can use systems theory to describe the arduous selection process for life partners. The same theory can also guide people in developing lasting relationships, by selecting partners whose subsystems they are willing to respect, or at least to tolerate, or at the most, to help them choose partners whose subsystems they are willing to love and to choose as part of their new system too.

References Lamanna, M.A. & Riedmann, A. (2009). Relationships: Making choices in a diverse society. California: Wadsworth. Lee, D.B. & Brosziewski, A. (2009). Observing society: Meaning, communication, and social systems. New York: Cambria Press. Parrish, M. (2010). Social work perspectives on human behaviour. New York: Open University Press.

• Cited: 0 times
• Copy Citation Citation is copied Copy Citation Citation is copied Copy Citation Citation is copied

CHECK THESE SAMPLES OF Selecting a Life Partner from a Systems Theory Perspective

Definition of attachment and the origins of a theory, sex drive and its effect on society, marriages and families, human resource management, the reasons why organizations outsource it, foster carer applicants, the point of the macro-sociological theory, social psychology research project: mate selection.

• TERMS & CONDITIONS
• PRIVACY POLICY
• COOKIES POLICY

• EssayBasics.com
• Pay For Essay
• Write My Essay
• Homework Writing Help
• Essay Editing Service
• Thesis Writing Help
• Write My College Essay
• Do My Essay
• Term Paper Writing Service
• Coursework Writing Service
• Write My Research Paper
• Assignment Writing Help
• Essay Writing Help
• Call Now! (USA) Login Order now
• EssayBasics.com Call Now! (USA) Order now
• Writing Guides

Life Partner Description (Essay Sample)

Life partner description.

A life partner should be someone who is not only there to support the other person emotionally, but in financial needs as well. The reality is that, even if 2 people truly love each other, if they do not agree on a lot of things, their relationship could go downhill. One of the main reasons couples split is because of finances; when one of them is not cooperative. They are two individuals who want to fulfill their dreams together and struggling to survive can hinder them.

Money doesn’t buy happiness or contentment, but it makes life a little easier when there is decent food on the table for the both of them to eat. Good food has a positive impact on one’s mental health and this is an important factor in any relationship. If for instance there are already issues prior to entering the relationship, the partner has to be accepting of the person no matter the circumstance. If they are an inspiration to each other, there will be growth. Another trait of an ideal life partner is being open-minded and will allow the person to grow as an individual while in the relationship. Every person has his or her own talent and interests and the life partner should be supportive of this as long as it does not harm them. Having a positive influence on each other is another indication that they have a healthy relationship and it will be a lasting one. People are not perfect and the situations are not always ideal, but with the right kind of love, a person can be motivated to change. It should be a risk that they are both willing to take once they say ‘yes’ to the relationship.

If there are major red flags on the early stages of the relationship, the person has to get out if it right away. Those who are in a relationship have the tendency to stick with whoever they are with out of fear that they might not find anyone better. This mentality is what keeps people from leaving their current relationship even if it is already toxic for them. There are a lot of lonely people in this world and wretched souls prey on that to manipulate someone. If this is the case, the person will be controlled and abused by their partner because they will be deemed as desperate. If manipulation starts to occur, the relationship needs to end because no one deserves this kind of treatment.

There are certain circumstances when the person does not know that the person they are in a relationship with are dealing with mental health issues. If the person refuses to get help, this is another red flag because the other person is already willing to accept the person, but the other one should cooperate. This would be unfair and it is not one’s responsibility to tolerate such behavior. The willingness of the partner to stay in the relationship regardless of what their partner is dealing with is already a sign that he or she is worth keeping. It is hard to find someone who will not stigmatize against mental illness so the person should get help.

Basically, an life ideal partner should be someone who will be there no matter what and is not going to abandon the person despite the challenges they will be facing.

Get JTA's Daily Briefing in your inbox

I accept the JTA Privacy Policy .

By submitting the above I agree to the privacy policy and terms of use of JTA.org

Amy Ettinger, who inspired readers with her life-affirming essays on dying, succumbs to cancer at 49

( JTA ) — Amy Ettinger,  an author and creative writing instructor who chronicled the last months of her life in articles for the Washington Post , died March 20 from cancer at her home in Santa Cruz, California. She was 49.

Ettinger’s essays focused on the things she was able to do and cherish despite her diagnosis with a rare, incurable cancer called leiomyosarcoma : seeing a live performance of “Mamma Mia!” with her 14-year-old daughter, Julianna; eating her favorite pastry from a San Francisco bakery.

“ I’ve learned that life is all about a series of moments, and I plan to spend as much remaining time as I can savoring each one, surrounded by the beauty of nature and my family and friends,”she wrote.

Ettinger was an occasional contributor to Kveller, the Jewish family website that is a Jewish Telegraphic Agency partner. There she wrote about her mother’s kugel recipe (“light brown on its crispy top, and the color of milky coffee in the middle”) , and how she, as a “non-observant Jew,” marked Yom Kippur — which in 2013 happened to fall on her 10th wedding anniversary .

“Like Yom Kippur, a wedding anniversary is a time to take a step back from your daily life — to weigh the good and bad, to contemplate your triumphs and missteps, to make a vow to do better individually and as a couple,” she wrote.

Ettinger was born in Rochester, New York, and grew up in Cupertino, California. She discovered her calling as a journalist in high school. She majored in American literature at UC Santa Cruz and earned a master’s degree in journalism from Northwestern University in 1999.

Her writing appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, New York Magazine, Salon, CNN and Newsweek. In a 2021 article for AARP, she wrote how her mother’s death inspired her to learn Sheila Ettinger’s favorite game: mahjong. She taught writing classes at Stanford Continuing Studies.

In 2017,  Penguin Random House published her memoir-cum-travelogue “Sweet Spot: An Ice Cream Binge Across America.” In it she wrote how she keeps “between fifteen and thirty dollars’ worth of ice cream in my freezer at all times” — not to eat, but as an “emergency backup system” in case one of her favorite shops or stores runs out.

Her follow-up story to her Washington Post article, titled  “I Have Little Time Left. I Hope My Goodbye Inspires You,” appeared on the newspaper’s homepage less than two weeks before she died.

“I am choosing to focus my limited time and energy on doing the things I love with the people I care most about. It’s a formula that works, I think, no matter where you are in your life,” she wrote.

In an article written after she died , her husband, the writer Dan White, wrote that she had dictated her last essay to him from a reading room at UC Santa Cruz with a view of a redwood forest. He said she had gotten hundreds of personal responses: A handful “unwelcome, including missives from ultrareligious people wanting my proudly Jewish wife to get saved to spare herself from hellfire,” but the vast majority saying Ettinger had inspired them to make the most of their lives no matter the cards they’d been dealt.

“Amy had no way of predicting that the lines she composed on the spot would be calls to action for readers from all over the United States, as well as Canada, Poland, France and Greece,” White wrote.

Share this:

Recommended from jta.

Jewish Life Stories: A tech couple killed in a private plane crash, a Holocaust survivor who arrested a top Nazi

Jewish Life Stories: A legendary Washington hostess and peacemaker, and an Israeli champion of civil rights

Bert Pogrebin, attorney and partner to leading feminist Letty Cottin Pogrebin, dies at 89

Maurice El Medioni, Algerian Jewish pianist revered among Jews and Muslims, dies at 95

Joseph Lieberman, centrist senator and first Jew on a major presidential ticket, dies at 82

• Share full article

Advertisement

Supported by

Guest Essay

After I Lost My Son, I Realized I Needed to Stop Looking for Closure

By Liz Jensen

Ms. Jensen is a novelist in Copenhagen and the author of “Your Wild and Precious Life: On Grief, Hope and Rebellion.”

Four years ago, I got the news that every parent dreads.

Without warning, my healthy 25-year-old son, Raphaël — a wildlife biologist and an environmental activist — had collapsed and died, probably from a rare heart disorder nobody knew he had. The trauma catapulted me into a place of almost hallucinatory madness: a territory so tormenting, debilitating and bleak that I couldn’t imagine how I’d survive it, let alone find joy in the life that remained.

Catastrophes are radicalizing and transformative. You no longer see your life in the same way afterward. But must grief diminish you, or can it do the opposite?

The question was vital because my devastation as a newly bereaved mother felt mirrored by the pain and anxiety of millions of people struggling to process the consequences of global heating and the obliteration of precious ecosystems.

Both forms of grief were rooted in love. Both required courage, resilience and compassion. And the emotional arc of both, I came to believe, could create the strength and purpose needed to navigate an increasingly unstable future.

In the field of death and dying, one of the most enduring and influential figures is the Swiss American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who in the 1960s came up with the five stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She’d been studying the emotional arcs of terminally ill patients, but later she and her colleague David Kessler repurposed the stages to apply to the grief of the bereaved, and the five-stage model became deeply embedded in Western culture.

In a 2007 paper , the Nobel Prize-winning climate scientist Steven Running applied those stages to the climate crisis, characterizing denial as the belief that the climate emergency isn’t happening or that humans aren’t the root cause. The anger stage kicks in when you realize your worldview or lifestyle will have to change substantially. Then you bargain by downplaying the scale of the crisis or by putting all your faith in technological fixes. The depression stage manifests when you feel overwhelmed by the extent of the crisis and realize that governments and corporations are not only spinning their wheels but also often actively exacerbating the damage. Acceptance entails recognizing that the scale of the challenge is irrefutable and then looking for solutions, because “doing nothing given our present knowledge is unconscionable,” Mr. Running wrote.

After tragedy struck Mr. Kessler, he altered his own analysis of bereavement. As an author and public speaker who had spent his career supporting the bereaved, he felt he knew grief well. But the unexpected death of his 21-year-old son changed everything. Suddenly, like countless other bereaved parents, he faced the existential question raised in the adage that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. And he came to believe that acceptance isn’t the end of the grieving process; it’s only the beginning of a new, sixth stage of grief, defined not by finding closure but by finding meaning.

This stage made a lot more sense to me than any of the others did. There was no meaning in Raphaël’s death. But I could find purpose, meaning and fulfillment in what I did and made happen in its wake.

The year before Raphaël died, I co-founded the literary activist group Writers Rebel to put literature in the service of life on Earth. But after we lost him, I stepped back: I couldn’t face the video calls. Then, in those early months of grieving, I began to meet other bereaved parents, take daily swims in the freezing Danish winter sea, reconnect with the natural world and read books about consciousness that led me to abandon my rational, secular view of it. And one day, I remembered what Raphaël said when I belittled my ability to effect change: “Do what you can, where you are, with what you’ve got.”

What, I began to wonder, could be more meaningful than honoring my son’s memory and the world I love by being active rather than crying on the couch?

Seven months after Raphaël’s death, I stood in the freezing Copenhagen wind with a group of writers and made a speech about why literature must address the climate crisis with the urgency it deserves. I was raw and nervous, but I sensed his presence. When I quoted him — “I won’t stand aside and watch the world burn” — a huge cheer went up, and I felt an inner shift.

Yes, my son was dead. And yes, the planet’s life support systems were weakening. But it wasn’t too late for the planet.

I rejoined my weekly Zooms and helped organize a tribute to Earth’s most critically endangered species. Later, the notes I’d been writing to myself as therapy began morphing into a memoir. And yes, it all felt meaningful.

Mine was just one of many paths from grief to fulfillment. For those feeling paralyzed by climate grief, just doing something new or doing something familiar more mindfully can germinate what the eco-philosopher Joanna Macy calls active hope: not the amorphous hope of wishing on a star but the practical hope of rolling up your sleeves and getting to it. Intentions are fine, but the meaning lies in the doing — be it cheering up a friend, energizing voters, transforming a patch of urban scrub into a garden, joining a citizens’ movement, switching to a plant-based diet, ditching a bad habit or taking time to observe a creature in the wild.

Just a few months before the electrical signals in Raphaël’s heart were catastrophically disrupted, I found a passage in his notebook that showed he had a premonition that he would die young but that his sense of purpose would stay vividly alive.

“I’ll not be dead until my dream is, I’ll not fade away until my vision does, I’ll not be gone until all my hopes are,” he wrote.

It took his death for me to understand why I was born. It can’t take a civilizational collapse for humanity to understand why we belong here.

And it needn’t.

Liz Jensen is the author the ecological thrillers “The Rapture” and “The Uninvited,” among others. Her most recent book is “Your Wild and Precious Life: On Grief, Hope and Rebellion.”

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

Follow the New York Times Opinion section on Facebook , Instagram , TikTok , WhatsApp , X and Threads .