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Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits  and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

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Anger Management for Kids: 14 Best Activities & Worksheets

Even after the problem has gone away or an apology has been received, we may still have those same feelings (Peters, 2018a).

Learning to handle feelings, especially powerful ones such as anger, can be difficult, especially for young children. Learning to understand how they feel and improving emotional regulation techniques can help children respond to the emotions and environment around them with more control and skill (Snowden, 2018).

This article explores and shares tools, activities, and games to help children make sense of and manage their internal states and emotions.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive CBT Exercises for free . These science-based exercises will provide you with a detailed insight into positive Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and give you the tools to apply it in your therapy or coaching.

This Article Contains:

Anger management therapy for kids 101, 3 strategies to teach children, top 3 activities and games for kids, best worksheets and resources for children, a look at anger management toys, 3 helpful videos for your students, positive psychology resources for kids, a take-home message.

Anger is a difficult feeling for children. It can make them want to destroy things or hurl comments that hurt others. With the right tools and techniques, even young children can be taught to see anger differently and maintain or regain control over how they feel (Snowden, 2018).

Many of the most helpful techniques in anger management therapy are ones that children can take to adulthood. The approaches that follow encourage healthy habits for life, where the child chooses what works best for them (Peters, 2018b).

Mastery of such techniques is important in childhood and crucial as children reach adolescence, where unchecked anger can have a “variety of maladaptive adolescent outcomes” (Ho, Carter, & Stephenson, 2010, p. 246).

Early anger management therapy relied on applied behavioral interventions, such as manipulating environmental stimuli, punishment, and reinforcement, and typically required individuals with challenging behavior to receive ongoing support (Ho et al., 2010).

Cognitive-Behavioral approaches to anger management, on the other hand, empower the child. They involve the client and therapist working together to think through and practice new behavioral solutions, including (Ho et al., 2010):

• Problem solving
• Self-control and coping strategies
• Cognitive restructuring (teaching alternate ways of thinking)
• Stress inoculation (gradually increasing exposure to triggers)

When compared with the traditional behavioral approach, developing self-control and coping skills leads to better maintenance and generalization (Ho et al., 2010).

Despite the early onset of aggression in children, it needn’t develop into unstable personality traits in adulthood. Through effective interventions, at-risk children and adolescents can learn to deal with situations in nonaggressive ways and lead productive lives in adulthood (Nelson, Finch, & Ghee, 2012).

In anger management, kids are taught to recognize when anger is likely to show up, how it makes them feel, see behavioral patterns, and find healthy ways to remain or return to calm (Snowden, 2018).

Together they form valuable strategies to manage anger and better understand emotions and feelings (Snowden, 2018).

Each question can be explored and answered (in groups or one-to-one) to encourage children to understand their anger. The more open the adult is about their experiences, the more likely the child will feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable . They will recognize anger as an emotion common to everyone.

The three questions are (modified from Snowden, 2018):

Why do I feel angry?

What happens when i feel angry, what should i do with my anger.

Sometimes it is difficult to recognize why we are angry. It can appear out of the blue and unexpectedly. When we know what triggers our anger (e.g., people, places, situations), we can anticipate it and react quickly to stop it from getting out of control (Snowden, 2018).

“ Thinking about your anger will help you see patterns more clearly and find healthy ways to feel calm again” (Snowden, 2018, p. 1). Knowing why you feel angry and how you are impacting those around you will promote better choices when you are angry.

Exploring why a child feels anger – the triggers and situations – can provide early warning to help them remove themselves from the situation, stop their anger from escalating, and feel in control.

When anger appears, it can be fast, seemingly unavoidable, and yet unsurprising. Each of us is attempting to fulfill our own needs and live according to our goals. Inevitably, what we want or do may not always match the expectations or demands of those around us (Snowden, 2018).

When this happens, we can feel angry and upset.

Children must understand the causes of their anger, such as tiredness, anger, people breaking their ideas regarding fairness, or having to stop doing something they enjoy. It is also essential that children learn how anger is stopping them from getting what they need and want (Snowden, 2018).

Learning how to spot these triggers means we can avoid them and redirect our energies and attention elsewhere. It is an essential and logical step that forms part of a bigger strategy to regain control over anger.

We all get angry at times. Recognizing the emotion and learning to greet it with kindness can help you “host your difficult feelings, like you would welcome a visitor at home” (Snowden, 2018, p. 89).

Refocusing our attention on what is good in our lives is a powerful technique to create balance and gain control over our feelings. Being kind and patient with ourselves can create more healthy ways of being open with others about how we feel and what we need while remaining aware of others’ feelings.

Asserting control and knowing what to do when anger visits next time can restore the child’s self-belief and regain their trust in their own abilities to manage situations.

Tools and techniques to teach kids anger management strategies

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Children often learn best when they are playing. Games and activities promote self-learning and, when focused on emotions, help children identify their anger and associated triggers and behavior (Peters, 2018b).

The following activities and games offer a fun and insightful way for children and their parents or teachers to understand the situations that lead to anger and how they can react differently (modified from Peters, 2018b; Snowden, 2018).

Children sometimes have to do things they do not enjoy: completing homework, turning off the TV, or going to bed at night. The gap between what they want to do and what they must do can be a source of anger (Peters, 2018b).

Self-discipline is an essential skill for children to learn and helps them manage their more reactive and emotional side.

Role-play can be a valuable way for children and adults to explore particular anger triggers such as being told to stop doing something or perform an activity that does not factor in their plan despite being good for them.

For example, you could role-play that the child is asked to clean their room, but their emotional side takes over and starts acting up.

Peters (2018b) refers to our reactive, emotional side as our “chimp.” Encourage the child to practice saying ‘stop’ to their emotional chimp and talk through how they will get things done. It can help to have them speak out loud to their chimp, telling it not to argue, stop misbehaving, and be sensible so that everyone can be happy (Peters, 2018b).

Such self-discipline can be a valuable approach to preventing the onset of angry behavior.

Scenarios and their outcomes

Understanding the different options available to them can help children choose thinking and behavior more appropriate to their own and others’ needs.

Work through several scenarios that typically lead to anger, and discuss three possible responses for each one (Peters, 2018b).

• I have been blamed for something I didn’t do. a) I am going to get angry and behave badly. b) I am never going to do anything again.

Or, more helpfully, c) I am going to explain that I am upset because I didn’t do it.

• I can’t do something new. a) I am going to cry and get angry. b) I am going to sulk and give up.

Or, more helpfully, c) I am going to talk to someone and learn how to do it.

• My friend has borrowed something and hasn’t given it back. a) I am going to get angry with them and demand they give it back. b) I will never talk to my friend again.

Or, more helpfully, c) I am going to explain that I am upset and would like to have it back. If that doesn’t work, then I will talk it through with an adult.

Encourage the child to explain why the two extremes (a and b) are not helpful or the best outcome for everyone involved. Then discuss why option c leads to a better result and less upset.

Who’s in the driver’s seat?

“Anger can change the way we see people and situations.”

Snowden, 2018, p. 80

Work with the child to help them understand and recognize the clues that indicate an angry or a calm mind.

A calm mind can enable us to:

• Consider the consequences of our actions How would the other person feel if I took away their toy?
• See different sides Perhaps it was an accident rather than something they did on purpose.
• Be understanding Perhaps they are just having a bad day.
• Hold back or walk away I need to calm myself before saying or doing something I will regret.
• See feelings more clearly I am sad, frustrated, or angry.

An angry mind is like this:

• Reactive I’ll do what I want.
• Does what it wants, when it wants I was hurt, so I should hurt them back.

Recognizing each of the above signs can help prevent angry outbursts and improve the child’s self-awareness and empathy.

We list several helpful worksheets below that can build healthy habits into children’s lives (modified from Peters, 2018b; Snowden, 2018):

Recognizing When We Have Been Angry

Children and adults sometimes do things they wish they hadn’t done. When they become grumpy or angry, they can say things they don’t mean or behave in destructive ways.

Try out the Recognizing When We Have Been Angry worksheet to capture when the child got angry and how they could have handled it differently.

Answering how the child could react differently can start the process of building better habits around positive emotions .

What I Want to Be

Before learning new coping skills and ways to behave, it can be helpful for children to describe the type of person they want to be (such as well behaved, happy, and without worries) versus who they don’t want to be (such as angry, worried, and naughty).

Ask the child to complete the What I Want to Be worksheet with behaviors and emotions they would like to avoid and ones they want to display.

Such exercises promote reflection and, therefore, metacognitive processing, which encourage greater self-awareness of emotions (Fleming, 2021).

Promoting Positive Behavior

Anger is mostly negative and unhelpful for children. But rather than focusing solely on what emotions and behavior to avoid, it can be valuable to consider a wish list of emotions and behaviors that are helpful (Peters, 2018b).

Use the Promoting Positive Behavior worksheet to create a list of positive behaviors with the child and how to enact them in their lives.

When positive behavior is promoted, it can become habitual and create a happier and more constructive atmosphere (Peters, 2018b).

Building Our Feelings Vocabulary

It can be hard for children to know and use the right words to describe their feelings to others. Building their feelings vocabulary can help them share what they are experiencing and seek the help they need (Snowden, 2018).

The Building Our Feelings Vocabulary worksheet provides a list of helpful feeling words and example situations.

With practice and a little help, children can become very good at sharing their emotions.

Requests Versus Demands

It can take time to learn that how we phrase something can change how a person experiences what we have to say. When children have big feelings about something they really want, they can become demanding (Snowden, 2018).

The Requests Versus Demands worksheet helps children understand how to turn demands into requests.

Conflict at School

School is a significant part of children’s lives. Fellow students are all different, with their own likes and dislikes. As a result, it can be challenging to get along with each person, even when we like them (Snowden, 2018).

The Conflict at School worksheet helps children reflect on the different relationships they have at school, what is difficult, and what they need from each one.

Fun activities can be ideal for exploring the triggers, emotions, and behaviors associated with anger.

The following is a small sample of some games to help.

Mad Dragon: An Anger Control Card Game

This fun emotionally-focused therapy game teaches its players about anger control.

The card game is aimed at children between 6 and 12 years old and helps them identify and avoid anger-provoking situations, and express and understand how they feel.

Available from Amazon .

Don’t Go Bananas – A CBT Game for Kids to Work on Controlling Strong Emotions

Based on CBT principles, this game teaches children how to identify emotional triggers, understand the beliefs underpinning them, their consequences, and how to change negative thought patterns .

The game is played by groups of two to four children and can include adults.

Mad Smartz: An Interpersonal Skills Card Game

This CBT-based card game helps children learn about empathy, social skills, anger management, confidence, and cooperation.

It is designed to support parents and therapists working through emotional issues with children and can be played in groups of two or more.

There are plenty of videos online to explain emotions, including anger, to young children in a friendly way.

Here are three of our favorites:

Anger Management for Kids

This short video explains how to manage anger in five easy steps.

Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns It’s OK to Back Away

Follow Howard in this engaging animation to see how he learns to back away from anger.

Anger Management for Kids!

This learning video teaches children about anger, what it does to them, and effective ways to manage their feelings.

There are plenty of resources, tools, and worksheets based on positive psychology designed to explore emotions and cope with anger.

The following are all appropriate to children; though, depending on their age, they may benefit from a degree of support:

• Decorating Cookies Sometimes it is important to step away from a situation and have some downtime. Drawing and art can be excellent ways to take a breath when tempers flare.
• Inside and Outside Worksheet This exercise helps children compare how they think, feel, and behave when struggling with an emotion.
• Self-Control Spotting Recognizing self-control versus lack of control in behavior can be the first step to acting more appropriately.
• Red Light: Anger! This drawing exercise is ideal for young children. They learn to picture anger when it’s small or growing too big.
• Meditation Grounding Scripts for Children Meditation can be helpful at any age. This script for children is ideal for grounding and introducing calm.
• Anger Management for Teens: Helpful Worksheets & Resources This article about anger management for teens is a must read for all parents and caregivers, helping them be prepared and knowing how to handle challenging teenager situations.
• Anger Management Books If your preference is to read up on a topic, then this selection of anger management books was complied specificially for therapists and for helping kids.

17 Positive CBT Exercises If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others through CBT, this collection contains 17 validated positive CBT tools for practitioners. Use them to help others overcome unhelpful thoughts and feelings and develop more positive behaviors.

17 Science-Based Ways To Apply Positive CBT

These 17 Positive CBT & Cognitive Therapy Exercises [PDF] include our top-rated, ready-made templates for helping others develop more helpful thoughts and behaviors in response to challenges, while broadening the scope of traditional CBT.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

Anger is typically upsetting for everyone involved and can change how children see people and experience situations.

Whether we say hurtful things or act in inappropriate ways, we usually look back and wish we had done things differently (Snowden, 2018).

If given a safe place to learn and explore their emotions, children can find new habits to make them happier and calmer, allowing them to maintain or regain control and avoid angry outbursts (Snowden, 2018).

Working through games, tasks, and worksheets, especially in groups or with an adult, can help children explore ways to calm an angry mind or avoid the situation altogether.

Acting out real-life situations can allow children to experiment with what works and what doesn’t, then use the right skills when the problem next arises (Snowden, 2018).

Try some of the worksheets and activities with children. The learnings are not solely in the task itself but in discussing the thinking (metacognition) behind it and its application in the real world. The benefits will last a lifetime.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. For more information, don’t forget to download our three Positive CBT Exercises for free .

• Fleming, S. M. (2021). Know thyself: The science of self-awareness . Basic Books.
• Ho, B. P., Carter, M., & Stephenson, J. (2010). Anger management using a cognitive-behavioural approach for children with special education needs: A literature review and meta-analysis. International Journal of Disability, Development and Education , 57 (3), 245–265.
• Nelson, W. M., III, Finch, A. J., Jr., & Ghee, A. C. (2012). Anger management with children and adolescents. In P. C. Kendall (Ed.), Child and adolescent therapy: Cognitive-behavioral procedures (pp. 92–139). Guilford Press.
• Peters, S. (2018a). The silent guides: Understanding and developing the mind throughout life . Lagom.
• Peters, S. (2018b). My hidden chimp: Helping children to understand and manage their emotions, thinking and behaviour with ten helpful habits . Studio Press.
• Snowden, S. (2018). Anger management workbook for kids: 50 Fun activities to help children stay calm and make better choices when they feel mad . Althea Press.

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Article feedback

What our readers think.

Hi, I am not able to access the worksheets linked in the article. Is there a way that I can get them?

Hi Shaheen,

I checked the links, and they all seemed to work fine for me. Could you let me know which worksheet you are referring to? I am happy to help!

Kind regards, Julia | Community Manager

Can you please post your references for Snowden,2018 and Peter,2018b?

Snowden, S. (2018). Anger management workbook for kids: 50 Fun activities to help children stay calm and make better choices when they feel mad. Althea Press.

Peters, S. (2018b). My hidden chimp: Helping children to understand and manage their emotions, thinking and behaviour with ten helpful habits. Studio Press.

P.S. If you scroll to the end of the article, you’ll find a button you can click to reveal the reference list. Hope this helps!

– Nicole | Community Manager

I liked some of the exercises, especially drawing. Anything more on blind rage for 6-10 year olds?

Glad you liked the exercises! Here are a few other free worksheets we have throughout our other posts on this topic:

– Bubbling Over – Follow the Shapes – What Makes Me Blow Up

– Hope this helps!

In this further covid lock-down, young people known to us are becoming isolationist and schooling is suffering. Outbursts becoming a norm. At Beyond Disability we have helped our “wheelie kids” – less-abled kids with laptops and broadband for over 20 years. We have just provided 25 laptops to a local primary school for disenfranchised children who cannot home school. A very timely article, well received Thank you

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Seeing red? Here's what may be behind it.

Whether you catch yourself clenching your fists, screaming into a pillow, or blaring your car horn at someone on a Tuesday afternoon, there’s nothing fun about sudden, intense bursts of rage . While it’s common to experience moments of annoyance, irritation, and even anger when something goes wrong, feeling mad for no reason can certainly come as a shock.

It doesn’t, however, make you a bad person. “It is common to classify emotions into categories such as ‘good emotions’ like happiness, joy, love, or ‘bad emotions’ like anxiety, sadness, and anger,” Lori Ryland, Ph.D., LP, a licensed clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. “The truth is emotions themselves are not bad or good.”

Anger is often a side effect of something else entirely — like fatigue or hunger — or a very useful way for your body and mind to tell you something’s wrong. Other times, rage fits can be accompanied by anxiety and feel a bit like panic attacks, Dr. Richard C. Shelton, M.D ., a psychiatry professor at the University of Alabama School of Medicine, tells Bustle. But there’s a common denominator, whatever the case may be: “Whenever we feel an emotion — desired or not — it’s an indication that we’ll probably need to take action and do something in order for us to feel different,” says Christina Harrison, LCSW , a licensed clinical social worker.

That’s when you might realize, “Oh, I haven’t eaten in a couple of hours,” or “Oh, I’m mad because I’m stressed.” That’s why it’s often helpful to do a mental and physical check-in with yourself to figure out what you could shift or change in order to feel better. But if you aren’t sure why you’re suddenly angry , or if it’s an ongoing thing for you, don’t hesitate to reach out for extra support.

“It can be very beneficial to meet with a therapist even for a brief period to learn more about how to identify anger and establish better strategies to reduce it,” Ryland says. “This is particularly critical if your anger leads to aggression of any kind.” Here are 11 common causes of anger that might explain why you’re seeing red.

You’re Triggered

If it seems like you feel sudden anger for no reason , it very well may mean you got triggered by something you didn’t even realize was there. In some cases, this could even point to post-traumatic stress disorder , which includes anger as a top symptom .

“Triggers can be as subtle as a smell, an image, or an automatic thought,” Jose Ramirez, LMHC , a licensed mental health counselor, tells Bustle. “If you notice that you are angry for no reason you should pay attention to external and internal factors.” Check in and ask yourself what happened in the moments before you got upset. In this situation, it may help to walk away and give yourself a chance to reset.

Therapy can also come in handy if you think it would help to further unpack your triggers and the trauma that caused them.

You Don’t Speak Your Mind

Anger can crop up when you hold your feelings back, too. “[It can occur] when we have expectations that we haven't clearly communicated and something doesn't meet our expectations,” psychotherapist Carrie Torn, LCSW tells Bustle. This can happen with friendships, romantic relationships, family, and even at work. If you tend to go through the day hoping things will go your way, but without ever communicating what you want or need, expect to eventually bubble over with annoyance — or even rage.

You Have Depression

Did you know anger and irritability are lesser-known signs of depression ? While other symptoms include sadness, loss of interest, appetite changes, tiredness, physical pains, and feeling “slowed down,” you might also notice that you have a super short fuse, pick fights, or feel mad at everyone and everything for no reason.

Anxiety Is Taking Over

Anger can also be indicative of underlying anxiety , whether you have an actual anxiety disorder or are experiencing an anxiety-inducing moment. In both cases, anger is a way to release internal tension, according to therapist Karen R. Koenig, M.Ed., LCSW .

Think of the time you snapped at a partner when getting ready for a job interview. You weren’t mad, you were just anxious. The same goes for feeling irritable when you have chronic anxiety. When the body is in a constant state of fear, it’s easy to lash out.

You’re Too Stressed

Similarly, anger can spring up seemingly out of nowhere when you’re busy, overwhelmed, and thus super stressed . “Some describe this as a ‘short fuse’ or feeling like they are like a ‘pressure cooker,’” says Ryland of another culprit.

All it takes is the sound of your phone ringing or one too many emails before you blow up. In those moments, Ryland suggests “letting off some steam” by going for a walk or venting to a close friend.

“Another strategy is to ‘turn down the flame,’” she says. “Ways to do this include mindfulness or meditation , taking a personal day to recharge, or engaging in leisure activities and self-care.”

You’re Actually Afraid

According to Harrison, anger is typically a secondary emotion. “For example, a fairly common way that anger can show up for folx is road rage,” they say. “When we’re driving, we’re minding our own business, following the rules of the road in order to get us to our next destination. Then someone comes along speeding, cuts us off, and forces us to slam on our brakes.”

In this moment, your first emotion is fear: fear of an accident, fear of injuring others, etc. “We create a narrative that the other driver is intentionally being careless, reckless, and inconsiderate,” Harrison says. “Their behavior threatens our well-being, and can possibly hinder our ability to be alive, thus cueing anger.”

This is just an example of how fear can trigger anger . The next time you’re mad for no reason, consider if something startled you or made you feel unsafe, and you very well may have your explanation.

You’re Hangry

While this one seems super simplistic, low blood sugar really can make you see red. “We get more irritable if we don’t feel our best,” Natalie Capano, MHC-LP , a counselor, tells Bustle, which is why “ hangry ” is a word everyone has in their vocabulary. If it’s been hours since you ate, don’t be surprised if you snap.

You Stop & Start Antidepressants

If bouts of pure fury are taking over your life, consider your medications. While not guaranteed, “rage attacks” are a potential side effect when you stop taking SSRIs , which are a class of medication often used to treat anxiety and depression . It’s one of the many reasons why it’s important to talk with your doctor before going off them.

You Have PMS Or PMDD

If you tend to get mad right before your period, that rage-y feeling could be due to PMS or even premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Along with anger and irritability, other psychological symptoms of PMDD include anxiety, extreme fatigue, confusion, crying spells, forgetfulness, and trouble sleeping.

Healthy habits like exercising and eating a balanced diet can help curb PMDD, but sometimes psychiatric drugs and hormone therapy are necessary. If you experience rage attacks around your period, don't suffer in silence. Talk to a doctor, especially if it's significantly impacting your life .

You’re Uncomfortable

Discomfort — whether it’s due to hot weather, painful shoes, an itchy sweater, or the fact you haven’t had any water today — can be enough to cause irrational anger, too. The best way to fix this type of fury? Take better care of yourself at the moment, as well as going forward.

One way to do so is with the HALT trick: “HALT is an acronym that reminds us to take a pause and check in with ourselves,” Torn says. “It stands for Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?” All of these things can contribute to anger, she says, which is why HALT is a good way to make sure your needs are being met.

If you’re hungry, have a snack. If you’re angry, take a walk. If you’re lonely, call a friend or family member. And if you’re tired, take a dang nap! (Or, you know, work on improving your sleep schedule so that you don’t get as cranky.)

You Have A Mood Disorder

Mood disorders, like bipolar disorder , can cause intense emotional swings that are difficult to regulate, Capano says. The same goes for personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder , which includes anger and impulsivity among its many symptoms.

If you’re prone to emotional ups and downs, it may help to look for patterns, learn more about your triggers, and then practice ways of regulating them. “ Grounding techniques and mindfulness can help,” says Capano. “Have you ever seen a movie where a character splashes frigid water on their face ? This can serve as a reset button to hit when you’ve reached your tolerance for frustrating situations.”

Medication may also come to the rescue, as well as outside support. “If you find yourself frequently becoming angry and you can’t identify the cause or seem to control it, therapy might help,” says Capano.

Studies referenced:

Galovski, T. (2014). Changes in Anger in Relationship to Responsivity to PTSD Treatment. Psychol Trauma. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4100723/

Sahu, A. (2014). Depression is More Than Just Sadness: A Case of Excessive Anger and Its Management in Depression. Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3959025/

Walsh, L. (2018). The Relationship Between Anger and Anxiety Symptoms in Youth with Anxiety Disorders. J Child Adolesc Couns. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6392190/

Lori Ryland, Ph.D., LP, CAADC, BCBA-D , licensed clinical psychologist

Christina Harrison, LCSW , licensed clinical social worker

Jose Ramirez, LMHC , licensed mental health counselor

Carrie Torn, LCSW , psychotherapist

Karen R. Koenig, M.Ed., LCSW , therapist

Dr. Richard C. Shelton, M.D ., a psychiatry professor at the University of Alabama School of Medicine

Natalie Capano, MHC-LP , counselor

This article was originally published on November 29, 2017

Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / Anger

Child Rage: How to Manage Explosive Anger in Kids and Teens

By janet lehman, msw.

Screaming fights. Destructive behavior. Volatile moods. Do your child’s anger and rage make you feel exhausted and out of control?

In an Empowering Parents poll, Angie S. made the following comment:

“I walk on eggshells around my 15-year-old son. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’m afraid of his explosive temper.”

In that same poll, more than 50 percent of respondents said that they end up “losing control and screaming back” when their child’s anger reaches the boiling point.

But responding to your child’s rage with anger is not the answer. Instead, it’s best to have what I call a rage plan so that you know exactly how you will effectively handle the next outburst or temper tantrum. A rage plan puts you in control of yourself and the situation. The following steps are the basis of this plan:

1. Ensure the Area Around Your Child Is Safe

Ensure that the area around your child is safe and that no one can be hurt if and when your child lashes out. Remove yourself and any siblings from the area.

Reduce any stimulation in their vicinity. Turn off the TV, lower the lights. The idea is to let your child wear themselves out. This step applies to adolescents as well as to young children.

2. Focus on Being Calm

Even if emotions are running high, work to calm yourself down. Talk to your child in an calm tone, even if you feel like screaming at them.

Tell your child that his or her behavior is unacceptable and that you’ll speak with them when they’ve calmed down.

Model good behavior for your child. Remember, kids learn from their parents, which is another reason you want to remain calm. You’re teaching them appropriate ways to manage stressful situations.

3. Don’t Respond to Name-Calling or Verbal Abuse

If your child is screaming things at you, calling you names, or saying you’re “the worst parent in the world,” do not respond. And don’t take it personally. Instead, leave the room or send them to their bedroom.

Also, don’t yell back at your child because it will suck you into their rage and make you the focal point of their anger.

4. Talk Later, When You’re Both Calm

The time to talk is when you and your child are both calm. If they’re yelling in their room, they should not be getting your attention, period.

Don’t worry if it seems as if you’re ignoring the inappropriate behavior. What you are doing is not reacting to the yelling. Or, to say it another way, you are not letting your child’s yelling control your actions.

Later, when things are calm, and at the time of your choosing, you can explain to your child that their behavior was not acceptable. Tell them there are better ways to deal with anger than losing control. But do it on your terms, not your child’s. After all, you’re the CEO of your household.

You might also have your child make amends if they broke something or hurt someone else. If your child is very young, you may want them to draw a picture that says, “I’m sorry.” If your child is older, ask them to do something more meaningful for the person they’ve wronged.

5. Give Consequences for the Behavior, Not the Anger

Don’t give consequences because your child got angry. Instead, give consequences for your child’s specific inappropriate behaviors, such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, or property destruction.

Your child needs to understand that it’s okay to feel angry. We all feel angry from time to time. And sometimes we yell. Nevertheless, we need to learn to manage ourselves appropriately when we get angry.

In other words, let your child know that anger is normal and that there will always be things in life that make them angry. Then stress that they’re responsible for and will be held accountable for all inappropriate behaviors resulting from their anger.

Related content: Angry Child? Fix the Behavior, Not the Feelings

6. Be Consistent

If your child has just begun to lash out in rage when angered, this plan is going to work fairly well—especially after you go through it a few times.

Your calm and matter-of-fact response is going to teach them that explosive anger is not the way to deal with their frustration. And it won’t get them what they want.

But if the behavior has been going on for a long time and it’s more ingrained, prepare to go through your rage plan repeatedly until your child learns to manage his anger better.

7. Understand Your Child’s Triggers

Some kids have been engaging in destructive behaviors associated with extreme anger for years. For these kids, you need to understand their triggers.

Once your child has calmed down, talk with them about their explosion. You can ask them:

“What happened before you blew up today?”

If your child comes home angry and in a volatile mood after school, you might have to call their teacher and find out if there was a problem that day. Ask pointed questions like:

“Was my child picked on? Did they do poorly on an assignment? Were they disciplined in class?”

But remember, even if your child had a terrible day at school, it doesn’t excuse their behavior at home. After all, there are other ways to deal with having a bad day than by calling their siblings foul names, screaming in your face, or punching a hole in the wall.

When you talk to your child about their triggers, always ask:

“How are you going to handle this differently next time?”

That’s the real purpose of looking at triggers—to help your child better understand them and learn to respond differently the next time they get angry or frustrated.

The most important thing to remember is that helping your child deal with their anger now will help them manage these feelings later on in life.

8. Don’t Walk on Eggshells to Accommodate Your Child’s Anger

Many parents of defiant kids walk on eggshells around their children, trying not to upset them. I understand why parents do this. Angry outbursts are unpleasant, and you do what you can to avoid them.

But remember, your child isn’t learning to behave differently when you walk on eggshells to accommodate their behavior. In fact, by getting you to walk on eggshells around them, they’re teaching you to behave differently. They’re training you to anticipate their angry outbursts so that you leave them alone or let them get what they want.

Therefore, don’t alter your behavior to suit your child’s moods. Just have your rage plan ready and respond to your child’s behavior accordingly.

9. How to Manage Destructive Behavior

With some kids, their explosive anger escalates until it becomes destructive. If your child breaks their own things during one of their rages, they should be made to replace them with their own money—or go without. That’s known as a natural consequence.

If your child is breaking your things or punching holes in the walls, make them pay to fix the damages.

For kids too young to earn money outside the home, use chores to earn things back.

If your child is older, they can get a part-time job. This is a great lesson because your child will see that their behavior caused the problem: they threw their phone against the wall, and they have to replace it themselves.

10. How to Manage Threatening Behavior

If you are threatened or physically harmed, don’t be afraid to call the police on your child .

Look at it this way: if you don’t do anything to protect yourself, other family members, or your home, what’s the message that’s being sent to your child? They will learn that they’re in complete control. And they will learn that the best way to get what they want is with threats and physical abuse.

If your child or teen has developed a pattern that includes threats or physical abuse, part of your plan would be saying to them ahead of time:

“If this happens again and I feel unsafe, I’m going to have to call for help. I’m going to call the police.”

Remember, there’s no excuse for abuse.

11. Don’t Try to Talk Your Child Out of Their Rage

Keep in mind that you should never try to reason with your child in the middle of a rage or tantrum. Any attempt to engage them at that point will agitate them up and reinforce their anger.

Additionally, your child is not listening very well at that time. Your attempts to reason, lecture, or talk about the issue at hand aren’t going to sink in when they’re in the middle of a rage.

Instead, give short, clear, calm directions. Say:

“This is not okay. Go to your room until you can get it together.”

If you have screamed back in the past or reacted angrily to your child, really practice that calm voice. If this is a challenge for you, try practicing what you will say ahead of time. Say it out loud in your car when you are alone. Rehearse the words you will use and your rage plan will be easier to execute.

Related content: Angry Child Outbursts: 10 Essential Rules for Dealing with an Angry Child

12. Determine if Your Child Has a Mental Health Problem

If at any point you feel like your child’s behavior is beyond a normal temper tantrum, or if you really can’t hang in there any longer as a parent, be sure to seek the help of a professional.

I want to stress that these behaviors don’t necessarily mean that your child has a mental health problem—child anger is often a normal emotion. But, whenever there is a doubt in your mind, talk to your child’s pediatrician or trusted health care professional.

Here are some times when you should seek a professional opinion:

• If your child doesn’t respond even though you are consistent with your plan of action. A counselor will often help you work on your plan and reinforce these ideas during counseling.
• If your child’s trigger doesn’t seem to be rational or make sense.
• If your child isn’t able to deal with their triggers, counseling might be in order. If anxiety is the trigger, they will need a better way to react when they feel nervous or embarrassed.

Don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t handle things the way you wanted to when your child lost control in the past. Maybe you screamed back or gave in when they had a tantrum or lost their temper.

But none of us automatically knows how to deal with everything our kids do. We make mistakes. We learn.

So give yourself a break work on your rage plan for the next time your child explodes. Be patient and persistent, and you can manage these outbursts and restore peace to your home.

Related Content: Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens: Why Is My Child So Angry?

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program , The Complete Guide To Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ .

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Welcome to Empowering Parents. We hear from many parents who are facing similar struggles, so you are not alone. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for managing outbursts and tantrums, and also what you can do to help your daughter learn more effective coping and problem solving skills. You can find those here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/outbursts-temper-tantrums/

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

Sarah I was a very rebellious teenager. As a mother now myself I began to realize alot of my anger from childhood came from emotionally distant parents. Parents who loved me for who they wanted me to be, who loved me with conditions. Over the years, I began to shut down More not feeling free to be my true self or feelings. I think it is important to recognize that we all play a role in the development of our children. Amazing book I read helped me to understand. Children of Emotionally immature parents. Just my 2 cents.

My 8 year old niece Last December my niece started to live with us she was good and would behave really well. Her baby brother in early February was really hurt by mother and her boyfriend and had to go to the hospital for a month. We got custody of her and her brother and More he has a permanent shunt and has to go through speech and physical therapy and a lot of doctors appointments. When he got back from the hospital it was all good but slowly she started acting up. She gets rages and throws fits over everything if she doesn’t get what she wants or if someone doesn’t let her watch tv all night and eat candy all day. She will only eat McDonald’s chicken nuggets and fries or junk and will starve herself if you don’t give her that. She comes home and is just angry with everyone she hits and tries to hurt her baby brother then lies and tries to say it was an accident when we seen her trip him or hit him in his head or belly ( which can cause damage to him because of his shunt). We tried everything we take her to therapy, we give her consequences or try to do time outs or sent to her room but she just refuses. I lay with her at night to help her sleep and take her to get her favorite foods every week and she still says we give all the attention to her baby brother. I try to ask her what’s wrong or why she acts like this and she says she doesn’t know or that no one spends time with her or buys her anything. I don’t know what’s wrong or what to do because we’ve tried everything I try listening to her we spend time with her and get her stuff when she wants it. She also tries to act like a baby with her grandmother they let her sleep in a baby bed or use a sippy cup and talk like a baby and I think it makes things worse when she’s home.

Hawk I feel the same way! The advice does not work for kids with extreme adhd and odd. I am hit by my son every day for simple request. We have called the police on multiple occasions and nothing. They ask is he is meds? Yes do you see someone?yes! Okay More what do u want us to do we cant do anything? Its frustrating that someone hasn't figured out a way to help parents with these types of kids. I have gone everywhere and done everything. Iam always told there is no much we can do. Maybe he will out grow it. All i do is hang in there and do my best not to Hate him. I try to understand but they wear you down. To anyone else in this position just hang in there and know you are not alone. It is difficult!

Raging 11 yr old My 11 yr old Step-daughter is out of control! She throws explosive rages when she is not getting her way, and I mean explosive. She is currently in therapy and has been diagnosed with ADHD, however, therapy doesn't seem to be helping. We have tried all More of your above suggestions, they actually don't work. She does not allow for a time out. We put her in her room, she kicks in the door. We try and take a walk she follows, screaming at the top of her lungs. Separation from her is not an option. She doesn't allow it. She has been known to throw and break items, kick and punch, and scream. Last night I told her I will contact police if she puts her hands on anyone or anything. She stated that she didn't care that they wouldn't do anything, but give her a warning like they always do. We have taken her to a time-out facility in our county. She had "great" time, playing games, eating snacks, watching TV. She is able to turn off the rages at the snap of a finger and act like everything is fine within seconds. We give her punishments after the rages( Sorry I disagree with you about only punishing if they break something or hurt someone-Her screaming at the top of her lungs, hitting walls, etc for 2 hours and disrupting an entire household is not acceptable and should also have consequences)however, they just cause more rages. Your steps sound all well and good, but they actually don't work for this child. I am losing my mind.

EF We have the same problem with an older kid (12). She won't go to her room. She'll be raging at us and if we ask her to calm down in another room, she won't go. Our safety plan is to get everyone else out. If I stay and try to More help her calm down, she gets angrier. It's so sad and frustrating because she has been like this since she was 3. Baby/toddler years were amazing and then she became someone else. She would have meltdowns for an hour or more...and I don't mean tantrums, total meltdown. And everything is everyone else's fault. It's really starting to affect her siblings and my marriage with her dad.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. It can be so frustrating and embarrassing when your child is acting out in explosive ways when he becomes angry. I’m glad to hear that you are also reaching out for support locally to help you as well as your son to manage these situations more More appropriately. In the meantime, it might be helpful to talk with your son during a calm time, and to create a detailed plan for what he can do differently the next time his anger is triggered. You might find some useful tips to help you get started in 8 Steps to Anger Management for Kids . I recognize how challenging this must be for you, and I hope you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your son. Take care.

Karen I find it difficult after my 11 year old son has had a rage and called me everything to accept his apology ....when he says it or even speak to him....it's like I'm in a mood with him and I can't get myself out of it??

I have a 7 year old daughter who would ocassionally fliy into fits of rage for the smallest things. She would kick, punch and throw things at myself, her older sister and my mother. It started shortly after her father passed away 3 years ago. I had her in counseling for about a year. Then we moved to another state. It seemed to quiet down for a bit. Now all of a sudden it icame roaring back. 4 times over the past week she has done it again. I have an appointment scheduled for her on Thursday with a new therapist. It frightens me when she goes into these rages because it's like she's not the same person anymore. One time it was because she had to do her homework, another time because I took her kindle away from her when it was time for bed. She said she doesn't remember her father so I'm assuming she doesn't remember the abuse I endured at the hands of him. Or is it possible she does?

Her progress report from school has come back fine except it says she has a problem with time management, staying on task. Her brother from her fathers previous marriage has Adhd and ODD, her father was Bipolar and Schizophrenic.

Any suggestions in the meantime?

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Katmadmom I’m sorry to hear about the violence you are experiencing with your daughter, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for support, both in your community with a therapist as well as here on our site.  You may consider talking with the new therapist about the abusive behavior More you experienced with her father before his death, and the possible influence it might have on her current behavior.  It’s also not uncommon for kids her age to act out aggressively, as they tend to lack appropriate coping skills and have a low tolerance for frustration.  Something you might find helpful in the meantime is to help her develop more appropriate responses when she experiences strong emotions.  Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner outline some strategies in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-aggressive-behavior-in-kids-and-tweens-is-your-child-screaming-pushing-and-hitting/  I hope that you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

Roadnottaken My 10 year old suffers from rage issues. She always has. Small things set her off--such as the sound of someone breathing too loudly--and she flies of the handle screaming. She calls it her volcano. She name calls and curses. She has only been violent with her sisters, but the More yelling happens at home and school. She recently told me that she feels ashamed because the sound of my voice annoys her. She is a straight A student but says she feels stupid. It's heartbreaking--she is truly suffering. 80% of the time, I try to stay calm, but yesterday I did not. My response was horrible. I'm going to try counseling to see if she can learn strategies that I can't teach her. She has gotten much worse this year, and gained a lot of weight, so I am wondering is puberty is also adding to the emotional maelstrom. It's a powerless feeling.

mlsmith My 16 yr old has recently told me she is gay she has alot of anger and throws tantrums has recently been charged with theft and domestic assault im going crazy lol

@At a loss 

I hear you.  It can be so challenging when your child

acts out inappropriately, and none of the interventions you have tried appear

to help.  At this point, it could be useful to focus more on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/ during a calm time.  After all,

experiencing frustration and challenges are problems that he will continue to

face, and it could be useful to talk about specific strategies he can use which

will be more appropriate than screaming or becoming destructive.  It can

also help to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/which-consequence-should-i-give-my-child-how-to-create-a-list-of-consequences-for-children/ if he attempts to use the new strategies.  I recognize how

frustrating this situation can be, and I appreciate your reaching out for

support.  Take care.

sadden I have a 12 yr old. He often listens to me (mom) more then his father. His dad has even tried my approach (same soft tone, and calm) to get him to do things. However he still does not listen to his dad as much as he does me. Lately More he has gotten disrespectful to me and when asked to do something he will throw  whatever hes doing down in a fit and continue to mumble under his breath. I usually let it brush off and become quiet. My son then will apologize because I tell him how his behavior disappoints me. However I have noticed when he does that with my husband, my husbands starts to then throw in jokingly (to me) "You mad bro. Oh you are so mad.... bro your very mad" I have asked my husband to not do that but to stick to the let it go or to get him to calm down. My husbands response is that hes not playing with him and hes serious. But by saying that to our son, my son gets agitated more. To bring up to today's situation. We asked our son to do something and he then starts his 'fit' when he verbally told me where to go (he never told me that) and then cursed at me, my husband took the game system, my son proceeded to take our flat screen tv. I grabbed it from him. When I did my son then threw a chair at me and I blocked if before it hit my face. My son then ran upstairs and continued a rage for about 2 hours. At one point I believe my oldest had to help my husband to hold down my son. My son finally came out of his room then told a few not so nice words to my daughter and then locked himself in the garage. I unlocked it and he was throwing things telling his dad to leave him alone. His dad stayed near him to make sure he was not going to hurt himself. They ended up back in sons room. And it calmed down. Enough that his dad went back to work from an extended lunch. My husband feels he needs to speak with a counselor. So we have an appointment for him. I feel its lack of discipline in the home and we allow the kids to get away with a lot of things. (I cook, clean and very seldom ask the kids to help) I admit its partially my fault. But this extent of things that took place today has been the worse. This has caused more tension between my husband and me. I do not see the need for counseling but instead we should change our parenting style, he wants to see if there is an under laying factor. I know there is, my son has complained about his dad to me, and the fact the kids in the neighborhood bully him.

@Frustrated 

Thank you for writing in.  It is obvious from your question how

much you care about your daughter, and want the best for her.  It is

pretty common for young kids to have tantrums, low frustration tolerance and

poor self-control.  While it is normal to feel frustrated when the

behavior keeps repeating itself despite conversations, consequences and

promises to do better, something to keep in mind is that new habits are learned

through lots of repetition.  As Dr. Joan Simeo Munson points out in her

article http://www.empoweringparents.com/defiant-young-children-and-toddlers-parenting-tips-to-help-you-deal-with-a-difficult-child.php, one of the most important

things you can do as a parent is to keep your cool and model how to calm down

to your daughter, even if she is behaving inappropriately.  That being

said, if you are being consistent in addressing your daughter’s behavior and it

does not appear to be helping her, you might consider checking in with her

doctor.  Her doctor would be able to observe your daughter directly and

rule out any underlying issues which may be contributing to her behavior, as

well as provide any needed referrals.  I appreciate your reaching out for

support, and I hope you will check back and let us know how things are

going.  Take care.

Flower Came here to say I had the biggest struggle with my 8 year old. Exactly the same issues. Now she is 1000% better but it took a lot of work on our end. After a lot of back and forth, discussions etc what finally worked was basically ignoring her or More giving the cold shoulder whenever she had a meltdown. We'd say "I'm not going to respond to you when you're in this state. We are going to do a puzzle in the other room, you're welcome to join us once you're calm". And then flat out ignore the screaming, crying and carrying on. It was hard at first (because instinctively I just want to yell and punish her) it takes a lot of control honestly. But consistency is key. Eventually she learned that there was no benefit to having a meltdown and the tantrums became less frequent and shorter. We talk about how anger feels later when she's calm but we don't make a big deal out of the tantrum, we just talk about the feeling so she can recognise it later. Again, she didn't learn overnight. Now, Whenever she responds in a positive way, we acknowledge it and validate her feelings but we flat out don't accept, tolerate or engage with bad behaviour. It's the only thing that has worked for us. It takes time so I hope whoever reads this stays on course and things improve.. all the best

Bl_matt My child is 11 years old and lashes out and violently punches holes in the walls, screams and yells, and breaks anything in sight. All because he isn't getting his way in a video game...I'm was so confused as to why he's doing this so I got him a rubix More cube the other day so he could get his mind off of raging over video games, but he seems to get even more angry because he can't solve it, and he throws more tantrums. There's nothing wrong with his mentality, and that's why I'm so confused. He has been doing this for years and we've taken away his computer because of this and given it back weeks later as a punishment, but he keeps doing it over and over again. I've tried to stop his tantrums, but he just yells at me in response. My husband has told me that I am approaching this all wrong, so he took control but my son still rages out on us. He doesn't lash out as much on my husband because my son knows that he's the "alpha" of the family and that he's in control, but my son hurts me sometimes and I'm very scared that he'll get married and do the same to his wife and children.

This sounds like a very tough situation. I imagine this

child’s behavior is having a negative impact on other tenants. It’s

understandable you would want to put an end to the turmoil. Where we are a

website aimed at helping people who are in a direct parenting role develop more

effective parenting tools, we are limited in the suggestions we are able to

offer you in this specific situation. It may be helpful to speak with your

local police department about your concerns. Another thing that might be

helpful is talking with someone in your local Child Protective Services office

about what your options may be. We appreciate you writing in and wish you the

best of luck moving forward. Take care.

It’s understandable you would be concerned. Whenever a child

or loved one makes statements about self harm and suicide, it can be difficult to

know how to respond appropriately. While most of the behaviors your son is

exhibiting are most likely related to his http://www.empoweringparents.com/Good-Behavior-is-not-Magic-Its-a-Skill-The-Three-Skills-Every-Child-Needs-for-Good-Behavior.php or coping skills, we do recommend taking such statements

seriously. Where you are currently working with a therapist for your son, it

would be beneficial to touch base with him/her about what you can do when your

son makes such statements. You could also contact the National Suicide

Prevention Lifeline to speak with a specially trained individual about your

son’s statements and the steps you can take to ensure his safety. You can call

the Lifeline 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255. You can also find them online at

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

We would also suggest developing a safety plan that the rest of the family can

follow when your son becomes physically aggressive with you or a sibling. This

could include having everyone leaving the area and going onto a separate room

when he becomes escalated to everyone leaving the house and going to a

neighbor’s house when he starts to become assaultive. You might even consider calling

the police if his behavior gets too much out of hand. It could be helpful to

contact your local crisis response and talking with someone there about

developing a safety plan that is best suited for your family. The http://www.211.org/ would be able to give you

information on crisis response. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by

calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you and your family the best of luck moving

forward. Take care.

Destructive behavior can be difficult to address. It can be

helpful to recognize that at 4 1/2, your son isn’t going to have much tolerance

for frustration and will have limited skills for dealing with that frustration

effectively. So, the destructive behavior you are seeing is mostly likely his

ineffective way of trying to deal with something he finds difficult and

challenging. Making the choice to medicate your child is a personal decision

each family has to make for themselves. I would encourage you to work closely

with your son’s pediatrician to determine whether or not that is an option that

is right for your son and for your family. There are things you can do as a

parent to help him develop those skills that don’t involve medication, such as

helping your son develop more effective coping skills through problem solving

conversations and holding him accountable with task-oriented consequences that

are aimed at giving your son the opportunity to practice those coping skills.

You may find these articles by Dr. Joan Simeo Munson helpful for figuring out

what steps you can take: Explosive Child Anger: Taming Your Toddler’s Temper Tantrum & How to Discipline Young Kids Effectively: 4 Steps Every Parent Can Take .

Parenting a toddler can be exhausting. Hang in there. Be sure to check back if

you have any further questions. Take care.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. Angry Child Outbursts: 10 Essential Rules for Dealing with an Angry Child
• 2. Angry Kids: 7 Things Not To Do When Your Child Is Angry
• 3. Anger, Rage and Explosive Outbursts: How to Respond to Your Child or Teen's Anger
• 4. Parenting an Angry, Explosive Teen: What You Should—and Shouldn't—Do
• 5. Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens: Why Is My Child So Angry?
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The ADHD-Anger Connection

How to rein in your temper, reduce frustration, and give a genuine apology..

Posted September 9, 2021 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

• What Is ADHD?
• Find a therapist to help with ADHD
• The "STAR" sequence may help people better manage their anger and frustration.
• It is important to give genuine apologies with accountability.
• Practicing mindfulness and self-soothing can help when you are upset.

Let’s face it: the past 18 months have been rough. For young adults living with ADHD , there have been more challenges than ever in managing disappointment, frustration, and anxiety . As we transition to the fall and the COVID rebound, it’s worth learning how to deal with anger appropriately, feel less upset, and give a genuine apology. Regardless of who you are and how your brain is wired, everybody has those moments when a switch suddenly flips and a volcano of angry, negative emotions erupts. Before you know what’s happening, you say or do things that you’ll surely regret later, but can’t stop. Relationships, school, and work are all affected by this emotional dysregulation. Why does this occur and what can you do differently to cope with it?

When the amygdala (the fight-or-flight organ in the emotional region of the brain) becomes activated, it takes over running the brain and the prefrontal cortex (the seat of executive functioning skills, often referred to as our thinking brain) goes temporarily offline. Feelings rule the day as adrenalin courses through our bodies, ratcheting up the intensity of our reactions, our words, and our behaviors. To re-stabilize, you have to stop this flood by slowing down your breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure and power up the thinking brain. In ADHD brains where executive functioning challenges often outnumber strengths, the extra burden of effectively dealing with a rush of strong emotions can be especially tough. Folks with ADHD may react quickly with volatility instead of responding more patiently with consideration.

During an amygdala hijack, people need enough awareness about what’s happening to avoid falling into a tailspin. This is especially difficult for maturing brains with ADHD. Many older teens and emerging adults simply haven’t yet developed the ability to slow themselves down and exert impulse control due to having ADHD in the first place. It’s also difficult for many adults who struggle with emotional control and working memory because they can’t pull up other options for reacting fast enough from their stored bank of past experiences and lessons to make alternative choices.

Increasing awareness about the bodily signals that you are becoming dysregulated helps you manage these situations better. When you are not agitated, can you notice what occurs inside your body when you are heating up? Maybe your heart starts beating faster or you begin perspiring. Perhaps you speak louder or breathe very fast. When you can identify the signs of angry feelings building up inside, then you can identify and use strategies to slow down.

Research has shown that it takes the body 15 to 20 minutes to fully recover from an amygdala takeover. Many folks with ADHD have told me that they dislike the term “calming down” but prefer “slowing down” because it makes more sense to their lived experience with ADHD. In order for any techniques to work, though, they have to be practiced regularly and when you’re not in a crisis. This is why body scans, meditation , journaling, coloring, listening to music, jumping on the trampoline, listening to stories, etc. are important activities to engage in regularly. Once a day or a few times per week, establish 15 to 20 minutes of slow-me-down practice sessions or meditation sessions. Before bed can be a great time because you get a double win: building skills and slowing down before sleep.

In the moment of an outburst, you need a strategy. Having a plan for explosions gives you a much-needed sense of control and predictability about what to do when big, intense feelings occur. This plan promotes several executive functioning skills that you really need in these moments: impulse and emotional control, shift/flexibility, planning/prioritizing, and self-evaluation ( metacognition ). Improving your capacity to manage anger also depends on accepting that big feelings re-occur. Thinking that they won’t return after the last blowout is part of what gets you into trouble. You need to prepare for their re-appearance instead of being surprised and embarrassed each time emotions heat up. Shift from this frustration and shame to improved self-regulation and self-esteem by relying on my Stop-Think-Act-Recover (STAR) sequence.

The STAR Sequence

1. Stop: Stopping to take a pause effectively depends on knowing what triggers you. You can consider this better when you’re not in a meltdown. Rather than winging it in the middle of an escalation or making things worse, create a pre-determined plan to slow down. Then, you’ll have some good alternatives to blowing your top or withdrawing in a fury. Whether it’s listening to music, going for a walk or run, getting a glass of water, or my personal favorite, going to the bathroom to wash your hands and take a few deep breaths, you need options to settle yourself down immediately. This stop is often the hardest part of the STAR sequence. It’s familiar to keep revving things up; it can be satisfying in the moment to let out all of your pent-up anger; it may be hard to leave a provocative situation. Calling a pause in the action helps you avoid doing or saying things you will later regret and it takes time to learn this skill. Pick some self-soothing activities and put this list on your phone or post it in your room. You’ll need to rely on it quickly so keeping things simple is best. Practice this and expect slow progress. Remember that two steps forward and one step backwards still results in forward motion. This is your goal.

2. Think: Once the intensity of the emotional volcano has quieted down, you’re ready to move to the think phase. Notice what is going on inside and around you—assess your own thoughts and take stock of your words and behavior. You may cringe, you may wish you had acted differently, and that’s OK. It’s part of the accountability process. If your upset involved other people and you need to process it with them, speak about your experience with “I” statements that convey feelings, not criticism. For example, try “I feel mad when you tell me what to do because I didn’t ask for your opinion. I just want you to listen,” rather than “I feel that you’re really a jerk when you tell me what to do.” You can’t feel that someone is a jerk: that’s a thought that usually provokes a defensive response. State what was going on for you with honesty and clarity and without blame. Listen to what they have to say, repeat what you hear, and ask them to do the same. Once everybody feels heard, you can now strategize ways to deal with the situation.

3. Act: This is when you discuss and form an agreement about how to move on from this incident. Or, you make some realistic goals for yourself about how to handle similar triggers or frustrating situations in the future. If you are negotiating with someone, create a plan for checking back in. To enhance your working memory, make some notes or Post-its for yourself with tips or reminders about your mutual agreements and/or your personal goals. This is your time to pivot. You’ve slowed down and feel calmer, you’ve been accountable for your actions and reflected on why those happened, and you’ve figured out the path forward. Make sure there’s a fall-back plan in case the agreement isn’t followed.

4. Recover: Most people feel terrible after an outburst. It’s not comfortable to lose control, say mean things and then live with yourself afterward in a shame spiral. Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that, when people experience a meltdown, it’s because they lack the necessary tools or personal resources in that moment to do something else. It’s not because something is wrong with you or you are fatally flawed. When you rely on compassion and practice forgiveness —for yourself and for someone else—you’re opening up the possibility of a different type of resolution to conflict. Instead of berating yourself, holding onto grudges, or giving apologies that seem more like throw-away comments, focus on doing things differently. An apology doesn’t mean much if you continue to repeat the problematic behavior. Learn how to give genuine apologies where you realize the importance of accountability, humility, and acknowledgment of your errors and map out a strategy for doing things differently. Brainstorm with a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or coach about what support you will need to make any desired changes.

Sharon Saline, Psy.D. , is a clinical psychologist and an expert in how ADHD, LD, and mental health affect children, teens and families. She is the author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew .

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Understanding what emotional intelligence looks like and the steps needed to improve it could light a path to a more emotionally adept world.

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My ASD Child

Education & Support for Parents of Children & Teens on the Autism Spectrum

"Blind Rage" in Children on the Autism Spectrum

• Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking the child’s property or invading his space.
• Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that the child do something that she does not want to do (e.g., brushing her teeth).
• Physical assault, which involves one youngster doing something to another youngster (e.g., pushing or hitting).
• Rejection, which involves a youngster being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
• Verbal conflict (e.g., a tease or a taunt).
• Memory: Memory improves substantially during early childhood, enabling children to better remember aspects of rage-arousing interactions. Aspergers and HFA kids who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express rage may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy – even after parents and teachers help them gain a more helpful perspective. This implies that adults may have to remind some these young people (more than once or twice) about the less aggressive ways of expressing rage.
• Language: Talking about emotions helps them understand their feelings. The understanding of emotion in these young people is predicted by overall language ability. Parents and teachers can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because the kids’ families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.
• Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors: Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in kids on the spectrum provides a base for parents and teachers who can develop strategies to nurture these kids’ emerging ability to regulate the expression of rage.

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Our Son Is Going to Be a Teen Dad. We’re Debating the Terms of His Punishment.

I can’t see past my rage..

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column.  Have a question for Care and Feeding?  Submit it here .

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am incredibly disappointed in my son. He is 16 and was casually dating a girl and got her pregnant. We had done all of the things—had multiple conversations about sex, provided condoms once he was old enough, and talked about the importance of care and respect and (hopefully!) love before sex. And yet this happened.

We have a college fund for him, but now I don’t want to give it to him. For one thing, we’re now on the hook for child support we never budgeted for. We are financially comfortable but we saved for his college at the expense of our retirement, and at this point in our lives, we wanted to focus on saving for that. But I know I’m not seeing this clearly. I am so angry! He had one job—not to have a child himself—and he couldn’t do that. My husband thinks we should take the child support out of the college fund and let him have the remainder to help him pay for college. I know that he needs a post-secondary education, but I can’t see past my rage at his bad decision-making. Help!

—Unhappy (Oh My God) Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I’m sorry. I can imagine how upsetting this is. But there’s a lot you haven’t told me (like, anything about the young woman who’s pregnant, her family, her decision to keep the baby and how she’s planning to do that—on her own? Living with her parents, with their help?—or whether you have been told anything about a plan, and what role, if any, your son will be playing in his child’s life other than providing financial support). So I feel like I’m flying blind here. But I can tell you a few things for sure, and ask you some questions you’ll have to answer before moving forward.

First up: The fact that you’re going to be a grandmother prematurely, shocking as it is for you, is of less significance than the fact that your child is going to be a parent prematurely—and that the child who emerges at the end of this pregnancy is going to have teenaged parents, at least one of whom may not be a part of that child’s life except financially.

Second: This is a life-changing event. It is a many-lives -changing event. You need to take a breath and consider the big picture. And you need to be talking through that picture not only with your son and the mother of your future grandchild (whom you’ve barely mentioned), but also with the other set of grandparents.

Re your anger: Presumably your 16-year-old did not do this on purpose. When men and women—or boys and girls—have intercourse with each other, even when they reliably use condoms, pregnancy can result. Condoms are not 100 percent effective at preventing pregnancy. I’m not suggesting that you grill your child—or the other sets of parents’ child—about their use of contraceptives when they were dating (by the way, is that “casual” relationship over or not?), because obviously it’s too late for that—but both sets of parents might consider that their kids could use further education about contraceptives going forward.

Even if you know for sure that this pregnancy occurred because your son “forgot” to use a condom as instructed (it’s hard for me to picture him telling you that, but I guess one never knows), please keep in mind that he did not have “one job—not to have a child himself.” I mean, yes, he was supposed to avoid baby-making, and yes, I understand that you’re exaggerating for effect. But reducing his life to this ( this was the only thing that mattered and you screwed it up, you idiot ) does no one any good. His “job” was, and is, a lot more than that. I hope you know that. I hope you’re thinking, “Well, I didn’t mean that literally.” Then don’t say it, especially not to him.

Now, for that college fund: If refusing to let him have it means he won’t be able to go to college because there is no scenario in which he can afford to put himself through college (say, community college and then two years at the lowest possible cost four-year public institution) without going into crushing debt, you would be making sure his life continues to go awry from this point on. If punishing him by shutting down his future is the goal, then go for it. (If you even can! If this fund is a 529 plan, for example,  withdrawing funds for anything except education will cost you a tax penalty . If by “college fund” you mean money you’ve set aside for his education, in a separate account, that you’ve promised yourselves you wouldn’t touch because it’s money for college, then yeah, there’s nothing to stop you from spending it on whatever you want to. Whether this is an ethical choice I leave to you to decide.) But if you hope that the rest of his life will not be derailed by this accidental pregnancy, I urge you to use that “fund” as planned—though if I were you, I would direct him away from the priciest private colleges and toward the best public one he can get into. Any money that remains, if we’re talking about a 529 fund, can be used for his child’s education—i.e., the beneficiary can be changed.

I will say that I’m confused by your husband’s plan, since “child support” will go on for 18 years after the child’s birth. Does your husband mean to figure out what 18 years of child support will cost, take that out of what you’ve got in savings, and let your son have the rest for his education? Or does he want to pay child support only until your son starts college, let him have the rest of it to pay for college, and then leave it to him to figure out how to proceed from there? That seems short-sighted. Maybe not quite as short-sighted as this young couple’s contraceptive failure, but still ill-advised.

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My 8-year-old daughter, “Daisy,” is intelligent, does well in school, and has a close friend group she’s known since pre-K. But she struggles with the mildest of pressure or decision-making. So while she’s danced onstage in front of hundreds of people, has sung and recited poetry at her school festival, and held up like a champ when a sudden family health crisis meant I lived essentially in the hospital for over a year—and when my mother-in-law’s rapid-onset dementia meant she suddenly had to move in with us and be supervised 24/7, Daisy gave up her bedroom without a complaint—she completely falls apart at small, run-of-the-mill, daily stresses. I know we’re lucky and I shouldn’t complain, because she’s an unbelievably good kid when it comes to big asks, but her distress over minor everyday matters is very concerning to me. If you give her a standard heads-up, like “dinner in 15 minutes,” her breathing becomes rapid and panicky, her hands shake, and she drops things as she scrambles to put away her toys or finish her homework. Even if you speak to her gently, she reacts as if a drill sergeant has just screamed in her face. She also falls apart with small, unimportant decisions—like what to wear, choosing an ice cream flavor, or picking out a birthday card for a friend. This morning I asked her if she wanted toast or a bagel for breakfast, and I thought she was going to have a panic attack.

After the long hospitalization/health crisis period of our lives, she started going to a “feelings group” at school, for kids who have undergone major stress. The teacher who runs it has noted that Daisy doesn’t have these panics at school because there is little opportunity (or requirement) for her to make her own decisions. I don’t know how to help her cope and learn to be comfortable with little stresses.

—Sweating the Small Stuff

Dear Sweating,

The thing about “overreacting” to little stresses—or what seem to others to be little stresses: toast or bagel, this shirt/movie/activity or that—is that those stresses don’t feel little. You can’t teach someone to be comfortable with what feels extremely uncomfortable. The real issue is: Why does decision-making (or knowing you have to be finished doing what you’re doing in a specified short time frame—or anything else that it seems clear to you is no big deal) feel so terrible to Daisy?

As I so often feel obliged to remind advice-seekers, I am not a trained mental health professional—I’m just a novelist and mother with a lot of years on most of the people who write to me, who offers commonsense advice based on a lifetime of close observation of human behavior (occupational hazard), life experience, book-learning, and a zillion years of therapy—but I would venture to say that Daisy’s extraordinary ability (the appearance of ability, anyway) to handle extreme situations comes at the cost of her inability to handle supposedly minor ones.

I think 1) she’s used up all her resources, 2) freaking out about bagel versus toast feels to her like a safe way to express her anxiety and fear, which has to come out somehow , because she couldn’t allow herself to express how she felt—or couldn’t access her feelings, or maybe couldn’t even let herself feel—when someone in the family was hospitalized and as a result one of her parents was unavailable to her for so long, or when her grandmother with dementia moved into the house and into what had been her room (because she intuited, and/or perhaps was even told, that she had to “be a big girl” about it), and 3) if this isn’t addressed now by therapy—and assessed by a psychiatrist—this may turn into a lifelong problem. It’s even possible (not to be an alarmist, but I want you to understand that this isn’t something to trifle with) that it’s an early sign of a mental health disorder that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. It may be that her panics over “little things” are “just” escape valves—but even if that’s so, the steam that needs to escape requires therapeutic action.

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I am an 18-year-old (male) who has a 10-year-old half-sister, “Lucy.” I absolutely adore her. She has ADHD and anxiety and has a hard time interacting with her peers other than her close friends. She is taking swimming lessons now, which I drop her off for and pick her up at, since the lessons are early on Saturdays and I’m a natural morning person (and my mom works on Saturdays and my stepdad sleeps in). She’s described being “mistreated” by the other kids in the swimming class, but it sounds to me like what’s going on is essentially bullying.

She’s given me a few specific examples, especially centered around one kid who sounds like an absolute nightmare, who has mocked certain ADHD behaviors that Lucy has, like needing things repeated because of auditory processing, or moving her body for regulation (stimming). Other kids join in too. Apparently, the only thing this one girl has done physically is hiding my sister’s glasses while she was changing, but that’s still a pretty big deal, as she can’t really see at all without them. I asked what the instructor does when this “mistreatment” happens, and Lucy said she seems kind of unobservant. The problem is, she doesn’t want me to tell our parents. She says this is because she’s afraid they’ll pull her out of swim lessons if they know, and every year my grandparents host a bunch of people at their cabin on the lake and Lucy wants to finally be able to swim with all the cousins. I’m just not sure what to do here. Like, I like that my sister trusts me, but at the same time, she’s asking me to keep a pretty big secret from my mom and stepdad (her mom and dad).

—Swimming with Sharks

Dear Swimming with Sharks,

You have two choices, it seems to me—and then so will Lucy. Since it doesn’t sound as if she doesn’t want someone to step in and help her and I’m taking her at her word that what worries her about telling your parents is that they won’t let her keep taking swimming lessons, one of your choices is: Tell Lucy you have to tell Mom and Dad, but that you’ll also tell them that she adamantly wants to keep going to her class, that what she needs from them is help figuring out how to deal with a problem she can’t manage on her own (and I’ll admit it disturbs me that she is so sure—from past experience?—that they’ll simply pull her out of class instead of finding a solution). Your second choice, since you mustn’t stand by and do nothing while your little sister is being “mistreated,” is for you to be the grownup who helps her deal with this. Strategize responses with her, talk to the instructor yourself, and if it comes to it, talk directly to the girl who seems to be the bullying ringleader. I know you must feel powerless, but I am pretty sure an 18-year-old guy telling a little kid to quit picking on Lucy will have an impact, especially if it’s coupled with Lucy feeling a bit more empowered (a couple of good comebacks can go a long way) and the instructor being alerted to the dynamic in her class. Of course, this will mean your stepping up and taking on a more adult role in Lucy’s life before you feel ready to be an adult, but is that so bad? She already trusts you, and she depends on you to do some things her parents can’t or won’t. Maybe you can let her know that she can count on you for more than that.

As to Lucy’s choices: If you’re willing to take on Option 2, let her know that. Then let her choose between your reporting what you know to the certified grownups or being the ad hoc grownup yourself. If you can’t see yourself in the latter scenario, then Lucy doesn’t have a choice. Which isn’t great, especially since she may see this as a betrayal—even if you promise her that you’ll make sure she gets to keep taking lessons—but it’s still better than doing nothing at all.

My husband suffered a great deal of family loss early in his life (both via family deaths and estrangements) and has very close relationships with his remaining relatives, all of whom are very nice people who have been through a lot. The problem is that he is absolutely inflexible about his determination to celebrate all holidays with them, and because we are an interfaith family, there are a lot of holidays to celebrate! We have two kids, one with high needs, and we both have demanding jobs, and I’d like us to have some quieter or time-alone holidays, but whenever I’ve suggested taking a trip for Christmas, or doing a small Passover dinner at home, he tells me that his family relationships will never recover if we abandon them for the holidays. (However, siblings and cousins have at times backed out of a holiday for a vacation or other commitment. We’re the only ones who steadfastly show up for every event, every year.) This has made me dread every single holiday because I feel so trapped by these obligations and unable to ever choose what’s right for us at any given time. But we can’t have a conversation about this, because he cuts it off by saying any change to the status quo will destroy his connection with his remaining family. What do I do?

Dear No Ho,

This is not a how-do-we-celebrate-holidays problem, it’s a marriage problem. Your husband’s grief and fear do not justify his inflexibility and his unwillingness to hear you out or consider your feelings. If you have not yet framed this in terms of your understanding that grief, acknowledging his fears, and wanting to do whatever you can to help him heal, that’s your first task. But he is still unlikely to budge until he deals with those feelings (you will not be surprised to hear me suggest therapy). In any case, this conflict will not be resolved until he recognizes that your feelings are important too, and that he doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions (about holidays or anything else). You two may need help communicating with each other, particularly if he won’t get help himself. If he balks at seeing a marriage counselor—and he isn’t able to pay attention to what you need and want without that help—you might tell him what I’m about to tell you: This marriage will not be sustainable over time if you don’t work this out. And by “this,” I don’t mean only where, how, and with whom Christmas, Hanukkah, Passover, and Easter are celebrated.

More Advice From Slate

I’m a 29-year-old straight cis woman. I have no kids, and in spite of all I read in this column, I’d still like to be a parent in the future. My question is about getting on the same page with my partner about this. He’s a 28-year-old straight cis man who says he’s neutral on having children. Honestly, I don’t think he ever thought about it until we started dating five years ago.

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Seder Is About Family, Food, Freedom. And Now, It’s Also About the War.

At Passover Seders, many families addressed the war in Gaza. In some cases, generations clashed and tensions arose. “That’s the Jewish way,” said one host.

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By Andrew Keh

Bonnie Rosenfeld had 38 people crowded into her home in Rockaway, N.J., on Monday night. She has hosted Passover Seders for years, but none that felt quite like this. She wanted to address “the elephant in the room” up front.

So as they lit candles to mark the start of the holiday, they also recited a set of prayers alluding to the war in Gaza — for the remaining Israeli hostages, for peace, for the horrors unfolding, she said, on both sides.

It was, in her eyes, a recognition of the obvious:

“This night is different,” said Ms. Rosenfeld, invoking the Four Questions traditionally recited on the holiday. “This Seder is different.”

That sentiment echoed around the country this week, as families and groups of friends gathered for the start of Passover amid the complicated swirl of emotions and fiery political debates stirred by the monthslong Israel-Hamas war.

The festive holiday, for many, has instead felt solemn. And its familiar rituals, this year, have seemed anything but routine.

Dining chairs were left empty in symbolic remembrance of the remaining hostages. Guest lists were trimmed to avert interpersonal disharmony. Old stories and prayers took on new meaning. Timeworn rituals were tweaked to accommodate the off-kilter mood of the moment. Swords were crossed over generational lines.

“At first I felt concerned, like, ‘Oh, boy, this is a hard time to have a Seder,’” said Rabbi Susan Goldberg of Nefesh, an inclusive Jewish spiritual community on the east side of Los Angeles.

She realized, though, that the Seder table was the perfect venue for the kind of dialogue so urgently needed.

“It’s so direct in the Seder,” she said. “When we talk about freedom and captivity, how do you not think about the hostages?” She added, “Then we say, ‘Let all who are hungry come and eat,’ and how do we not think about the people in Gaza who are starving?”

But dialogue can be messy, and many observing the holiday this week struggled to navigate the inevitable tensions of the moment.

Sydney Shaiman, 26, noticed her parents were stressed over the weekend about the Seder they were hosting for 15 people at their Manhattan home. They were concerned that political debates might leave guests offended. At the same time, they felt ignoring the vivid connections between common Passover themes — of liberation, freedom and oppression — and current events would leave the Seder devoid of substance.

Late Sunday night, in an effort to diffuse the tension before it even materialized, her father sent out an email to their guests, she said, that stressed “the importance of coming to the Seder with an open mind and a willingness to engage in conversation and opinions that may differ from your own.”

The effort, in the end, was a qualified success: Ms. Shaiman said she felt like guests were walking on eggshells.

Some Seder attendees chose to find solace in the customs and ritual cadence of the holiday and evade, briefly, a topic that has otherwise been inescapable.

Lindsay Gold, 43, who traveled from Miami to be with relatives in Los Angeles, said her family’s Seder went by without any mention of war.

“I think it made it more peaceful to be able to just focus on that,” she said.

But other families overturned old rituals in acknowledgment of these extraordinary times.

In Minneapolis, Ashley Cytron, 85, was overcome with emotion during the Seder at his son’s house, where two dozen guests went around the table reading the names of the Israeli hostages, one by one. At Mr. Cytron’s suggestion, they also assembled a place setting in front of an empty chair with a red rose, yellow ribbon and a mound of salt — echoing the “missing-man tables” common at military gatherings.

“We can’t forget,” he said. “All of us, we can’t forget.”

Ben Cooley, 54, the communications director for IKAR, a progressive Jewish community based in Los Angeles, hosted a Seder this week with about 15 people. (He called it the only major Jewish holiday “that’s totally D.I.Y.”)

His family’s Seder, in the past, has been an opportunity to open up about personal struggles. They had a tradition where they would each write their own “Egypt” — something that they felt was holding them back — on slips of paper, then burn them in a bowl. It could have been a job or relationship. Children wrote down, “My homework.”

This year, the family scrapped that activity and instead read from a Seder supplement that touched on the importance of not avoiding the clashing emotions that many Jews feel: rage and an impulse for vengeance for loved ones lost on Oct. 7, fear about antisemitism, as well as horror at the suffering of hundreds of thousands of Palestinians.

“The big change was getting out of the personal,” Mr. Cooley said. “This is not about us.”

Debates and, in some cases, discomfort were unavoidable at many Seders across the country.

Aimee Resnick, 19, celebrated the holiday at her family’s home in Centennial, Colo., taking on many of the hosting duties because her mother was out of town. This year, those included trying to referee conversations among her family’s 25 guests, including her two grandmothers.

“​​My maternal bubbe is very pro-Israel,” said Ms. Resnick, a student at Northwestern University, near Chicago. “My paternal bubbe supports the Palestinian people.”

At one point, Ms. Resnick tried to intervene.

“I was like, ‘Grandma, stop,’ and she replied, ‘I don’t want to stop. This is important,’” Ms. Resnick said. “So I walked out of the room.” She added, “That’s one of the benefits of being the hostess: You can stay in the kitchen.”

Ms. Resnick said her group skipped some passages of their traditional Haggadah that seemed dissonant with the realities of the conflict. She said she sensed discord between the Seder’s older guests and the younger ones, some of whom were involved with pro-Palestinian activism.

The generational divide was also clear in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., where Eleanor Levy, 83, hosted a Passover dinner for a dozen friends and family members. For decades, she had used the Haggadot supplied by Maxwell House , the coffee company, that were readily available at the supermarket. This year, she brought out a contemporary book of prayers with prompts meant to provoke discussions about oppression and peace and freedom.

It worked. At one point, her 26-year-old grandson, Nolan Dahm, got into a disagreement — “a heated discussion,” in his words — about the protests at Columbia University with some of the octogenarian guests.

The scene — the inquiry, the argument, the mutual respect — was precisely what she wanted.

“To me, that’s the Jewish way,” said Ms. Levy, who ultimately ended the conversation by bringing out a platter of potato kugel. “You ask questions, and if there’s something that’s not right, you talk about it, you learn about it, you educate yourself. I’ve been alive long enough to know you won’t change everybody’s opinion in a discussion. But for me, it’s a sign of being alive.”

Reporting was contributed by Jill Cowan , Corina Knoll and Livia Albeck-Ripka in California.

Andrew Keh covers New York City and the surrounding region for The Times. More about Andrew Keh

Our Coverage of the Israel-Hamas War

News and Analysis

Israeli negotiators, offering a hint of hope for negotiations over a cease-fire in Gaza, have reduced the number of hostages they want Hamas to release  during the first phase of a truce.

Secretary of State Antony Blinken arrived in Jordan for his second stop on a Middle East tour  to meet with top officials to discuss the war between Israel and Hamas.

President Biden and his national security team see a narrow window to finally seal an agreement  that would at least temporarily halt the war in Gaza and possibly even end it for good, but their optimism has been dashed before.

Campus Protests in the U.S.: On quads and lawns from coast to coast, U.S. colleges are grappling with a groundswell of student activism  over Israel’s military campaign in Gaza. Administrators are having to make controversial decisions .

Cracking Down on Protests: Grief and rage over the Gaza war and Israel have led to demonstrations across the Arab world. Arrests suggest governments fear the outrage could boomerang .

Imagining Gaza’s Reconstruction: International development agencies have been meeting with Middle East business interests and urban planners to map out an economic future for the territory .

Showing Liberal Dismay: Representative Mark Pocan, the progressive Democrat from a rural, mostly white Wisconsin district, is determined to let President Biden know that it is not just young people of color who are concerned about the war .

Job interview coming up? Avoid these five deadly sins

B etween mass layoffs and the new demand for top talent in fields like artificial intelligence , many Americans are having "new job" interviews for the first time in a long time.

There is no shortage of interview advice  out there – from academia to recruiting firms. Common tropes like "dress for success" and "show up on time" are a dime a dozen and not particularly insightful. And, with AI-driven screening systems all the rage in 2024, job-seekers are loading up their resumes with buzzwords to showcase their skills (real or not).

Awhile back, I wrote a book with the help of the senior partners at one of the country’s top five executive recruiting firms. For the book, I interviewed nearly 40 partners, asking about the make-or-break factors in "final round" interviews. Their advice is just as true today.

The truth is that, from the beginning, much of the candidate screening process is designed to eliminate candidates who won’t ever make it to the finals. Responses to job postings are designed to figure out who to drop from consideration. 

CAN'T GET AN INTERVIEW? CAREER EXPERTS EXPLAIN HOW TO MAKE YOUR RESUME STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD

Once you are identified as a serious candidate, you advance to half-days or full days of interviews with more senior interviewers. The employer has already concluded that you can do the job exceptionally well, but so can others – the focus is on the best  fit  for the firm.

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So you haven’t crossed the finish line yet. Unique deadly sins exist at this end stage of the interview process , particularly when it comes to maturity, ethics and a deeper understanding of the company’s needs. Don’t make it easy to be eliminated!

Based on my research and experience interviewing many hundreds of people over the years, here are the top five sins to avoid:

Playing hard to get as a negotiation ploy.  Acting disinterested, or starting too early on the salary negotiation process, does not convey that you’re a team player who wants to fit into a larger corporate culture. The employer wants to see that you would be (1) enthusiastic about the job and (2) enjoyable to be around. 

VIRAL WORK TREND FAVORS ‘THE BIG TALK’ DURING JOB INTERVIEWS OVER SMALL TALK: ‘VULNERABILITY IS DISARMING’

Intentional aloofness does not clear those hurdles, and you need to clear them for the employer to even start thinking about potential compensation. If your early questions focus on pay and benefits, rather than mission and strategy, it shouts, "They’re not in it for the right reasons."

Doing no homework on the company.   Research your potential employer beforehand, and don’t fake it. 

Job-seekers need to be able to discuss the positive reasons why they are genuinely eager about their prospects and the job at hand. This means asking  intelligent  questions about the company’s products and competitors too, because there is more to "the job" than the job itself. You come across as unserious and unprepared if you ask, "What can you tell me about the company?"

Hiding holes in your resume.  Many people have had periods of unemployment or taken jobs for short periods – this is common. 

While the temptation to "stretch" beginning and ending dates of jobs from before is understandable, employers can easily confirm that information. And, if you’re a top candidate, it will be confirmed at some point, so it is in your best interest to be honest. Nothing ends a candidacy faster than being asked what you were "really doing" during certain dates that your resume suggests were spent working elsewhere. You won’t get away with lying.

TOUGHEST JOB  INTERVIEW QUESTION OF ALL: ‘WHAT CAN YOU IMPROVE ABOUT YOURSELF?’

Bad-mouthing your current employer or betraying a confidence.  This is a rookie mistake: Trying to show your enthusiasm for the new job by implying that you’re eager to be getting away from the problems somewhere else. Don’t ever put yourself in a position where you are throwing someone else under the bus, since it just says the wrong thing about you. 

Here’s the only appropriate answer to the "why would you leave XYZ" question: "Actually, XYZ has been really good to me, but I have the potential to contribute more and ABC seems like the right place to do so."

Forgetting that each separate interview starts from zero.   If you’re a finalist , you may encounter four or five people in a single day – from entry-level staffers to peers and more senior-level employees. Just because someone’s position may fall "beneath" yours, you still need to give everyone the same time of day. 

Word spreads, and even junior employees could share their feelings about a certain candidate – everyone has a vote. Never even hint that you were asked the same question by someone else earlier; answer fully, even if it’s the second or third time.

When you have made it through to the final round of the interview process, think about which questions may tempt you down one of these deadly paths. Then, practice responding to avoid them – and stay alive.

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Original article source: Job interview coming up? Avoid these five deadly sins