i lost myself essay

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"Write about a time you felt lost"

Favorite Quote: "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

When you feel lost, it’s not the physical sense. It’s not that you’ve taken a wrong turn on some desolate road. When you’re lost, you lose yourself. You lose the person you once were and are replaced by whatever is occupying your mind. I have moved sixteen times, and been to ten different schools. It’s easy to lose yourself when you’re afraid of losing what you’ve just gained. New friends, a new house, and a new outlook upon your own life. I moved to a small town right at the beginning of freshman year. I’ve always known I wasn’t your typical “pretty girl” or “smart girl or “popular girl”. I wasn’t a rebel, an athlete, or artist. I was always stuck in the middle, unsure of where I belonged. Where I lived, everyone was cookie cutter. Smart, athletic, preppy, with a white picket fence and some mixed breed pooch. I entered the school unaware of the strict social cliques and ridged “do’s” and “don’ts” of high school. This is a journal about how I was treated, and how that changed me, how I lost myself in a sea of people who were all sheep. I immediately didn’t fit in. I am about as coordinated as a hippo. Needless to say, sports were not on my agenda. My grades were decent in the English and History departments, but lacking severely in the Math’s and Sciences. My artistic skills are about as detailed as a stick figure on a blank sheet of paper. I didn’t fit the physical mold either. My hair was frizzy, I wore no makeup, and my clothes were a style of my own. Of course, like any cliché high school movie, I got bullied. Mocked, ridiculed, and torn down for being my own person. Everyday I was forced to face people who made me feel like I was not worth anything, simply for being different. So I changed, I changed to be left alone. I changed so people would look at me like I was just another normal teenage girl. I would straighten my hair and wear makeup. I stopped speaking my mind, agreeing with the masses. I lost myself in an attempt to save my own self-esteem. I made myself pretty, or so I thought. Somewhere along the way, I looked in the mirror and realized I didn’t even see myself anymore. I had stopped doing what I loved. I had no passion for writing. I was antisocial and angry. I stopped listening to myself, and I had believed others. The town I lived in was one that stifled originality, and embraced all those who excelled in what was deemed acceptable by my cookie cutter town. I lost myself. I realized from my time in that small town, I was more. I was worth more, I expressed more, I deserved more than to be hurt because of whom I am and what I’m not. Some people can survive in a world where originality is dead, but I cannot. Insecure teenagers trying to raise their own self-confidence cannot shoot down mine because they have none. Maybe a small town, dead end life is acceptable for some people. I refused to lose myself to something so insignificant and so I didn’t.

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Favorite Quote: Anyone who says winning isn't everything, Has won nothing. ``Mia Hamm

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The Art of Being Lost

Finding yourself starts with admitting that you're lost..

Posted January 25, 2021

I took off from Echo Lakes in the Desolation Wilderness just behind south Lake Tahoe and hiked six miles up to a place called Aloha Lake, set in a stunning granite bowl backdropped by snow-capped peaks. I spent a long, luxurious day there, swimming and scrambling and enjoying my first taste of unsheltered life since the pandemic began.

On my way back down, only moments after leaving Aloha Lake, I got disoriented. This isn't hard to do in Desolation. The signage there is abysmal, and the terrain largely granite, on which it's hard to discern a trail.

The rest was my own damn fault. At the first indication that I was disoriented, I should have backtracked and reoriented myself or, God forbid, asked someone for directions. But I didn't, and within half an hour, I was royally lost in very big wilderness, heading down an entirely different canyon than the one I had ascended that morning, and completely off-trail.

After two hours, I finally reached a series of small lakes and a group of backpackers, who told me I was another three hours to Route 50—all the daylight I had left. The truly unnerving possibility of having to spend a night out there suddenly bloomed in my mind.

When I finally reached Route 50, at dusk—seven miles and three canyons away from my starting point—I tried hitchhiking back to my car, but after half an hour with no luck, I realized I was hitchhiking during a plague, and no one was going to let a stranger into their car.

I did manage to get someone to call Highway Patrol for me, which called Search and Rescue, which sent a cop out to meet me. He couldn't give me a lift—liability issues—but called a taxi. Half an hour and 50 bucks later, I was back at my car, having survived what I don't think it would be a stretch to call a harrowing ordeal.

In the aftermath, I was not just physically but emotionally rattled, though in the near-stupor of those post- traumatic days I also had the luxury of considering the metaphysical aspects of the ordeal: Why did I get lost, and does it mean anything?

Knowing how the unconscious is usually a step ahead of the conscious mind—the one that supposedly knows things—I suspect there was more going on here than met the eye. And being a student of synchronicity—the experience of inner states being mirrored by outer events—I concluded that this incident had a clear analog in my psyche. I feel lost.

Partly this is a result of an event that's blown a lot of us off-course—the pandemic—which has pulled the vocational rug out from under me, eviscerated much of my social life , and faced me with the looming question of “Now what?”

But it's also something more, something I've been grappling with for several years, ever since turning 60, which did something to me that 50 did not—waving the ammonia of mortality under my nose. It's appropriate, then—if not darkly comic—that I would find myself lost in a place called Desolation.

Maybe it's just the nature of transition, especially the sort of existential befuddlement typical of, say, midlife or retirement , but lately, I've found myself between worlds. Between the priorities of work and love, doing and being, résumé virtues and eulogy virtues, those devoted to earthly success and those devoted to emotional and spiritual fulfillment.

All I know is that I've felt disoriented these last few years, cut loose from my moorings, even disenchanted as in the breaking of a spell, signaling that a time has come to reconsider what I've always thought to be so.

I've always thought, for instance, that I had to be self-reliant at all costs and have prided myself on being a freelancer, solopreneur, and outsider. But my over-reliance on rugged individualism clearly played a starring role in getting me lost in the wilderness.

I've always thought, too, that I have a great sense of direction, yet wilderness that big and complex scrambled my compass but good. In the grander scheme of things, my limitations are thrown into high relief.

Making peace with life is partly about making peace with limitations, something my fellow baby boomers are undoubtedly learning as well, since 10,000 of us are turning 65 every day, as I did this fall, and certainly experiencing the limitations of time, talent, love, and security, the breakdown of expectations, and the shattering of lifelong illusions—I'm special; anything is possible; there's plenty of time; I am my work; someday I'll “arrive”; truth will out; money is security. (“A false sense of security is the only kind there is,” says mythologist Michael Meade.)

I'm sadder but wiser, yet I sense this wisdom can bring me back into right relationship with myself and the world. Maybe I have to surrender the boundlessness of my aspirations and offer a humble bow to my limitations, and maybe it’s a surrender that feels like defeat, like I've lost the trail, but it’s also a kind of liberation. I know better where I stand with life.

“Stand still,” writes David Wagoner in his poem “Lost.” “The trees ahead and bushes beside you are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here.”

If I could welcome the unpredictable nature of life, if not even take a certain delight in it—I, who claim to enjoy the element of surprise—I'd surely roll with the punches better. If I could remember that chaos means “to be wide open”—it doesn't mean disorder; it means unshaped life, the very essence of potential—I'd kick up a lot less dust. In fact, in the Western world's central creation story (Genesis), Chaos with a capital "C" is described as the condition of the Earth before it was formed—chaos precedes creation. Feeling lost— being lost—has been an unavoidable part of my journey and often the starting point for ultimately transformative experiences of “finding myself.”

I figure if I'm lost, I might as well be lost and not necessarily try to immediately get found, get back to terra cognita . As Wendell Berry says, “It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.”

There was a moment during my ordeal when I stumbled and fell, but rather than immediately get up and barrel on, I sat cross-legged on the ground and took a few deep breaths, letting it sink in that I was lost and scared, though everything in me told me to get up and keep moving, to bring laser focus and grim determination to bear on what I'd by then concluded was a survival situation. Not that that wasn't in order and didn't ultimately help get me found again. It clearly did. But intuition bade me sit still for a moment and give composure a little time to catch up with the sudden turn of events.

Maybe a survival situation isn't the time to be contemplative, but maybe it's precisely the time. “Stand still,” I heard Wagoner telling me. “The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you.”

I confess that my inner cynic smirks at this. What if the forest doesn't come looking for me? What if I stand around waiting for deliverance, and the sun goes down on me out here? But I know what Wagoner means. He means that when I feel lost, take a moment to let my soul catch up with me.

But it isn't only my inner experience of darkness and drift that Wagoner is inviting me to seek. It's also the outer experiences that can help ground me. Part of dealing with feeling lost is turning some attention toward those people and practices—in my case, journaling, piano playing, dreamwork, friendship , love, deep conversation, gratitude, nature—that help me feel grounded and close to the center of myself. Passions and involvements in which I can, ironically, lose myself. And to engage with these things not for the sake of distraction but traction . To ground myself, get a grip on myself.

Still, it's hard to stand still when I want to bolt, as if I could work up the escape velocity necessary to escape from myself. Hard to sit on my ass in the dirt and just feel what I feel—lost, scared, stuck, and angry with myself for the wrong turns I've taken. Hard to feel the weight of what once worked but no longer does, or even the shame of getting lost, of admitting that I'm not on my game when in truth, I'm questioning the very nature of the game itself.

But the act of standing still in the Here and the Now, the act of admitting (in both senses of the word—owning up to and allowing in) that I feel lost, may not just lead to a shift but actually be the shift toward home. It's not just the prayer for help; it is the help.

There’s a reason the words travel and travail are related, both coming from a word meaning to torture. Maybe it arises from the difficulties and dangers inherent in ancient travel, but in the traditions of pilgrimage and vision quest, hardships aren't considered accidental but integral to the journey. Treacherous terrain, foul weather, taking a fall, getting lost, all of them can strip us of the illusion that we're in charge and make room for a truer self to emerge—“lost enough to find yourself,” as Robert Frost put it.

Gratitude for hardship is, of course, less of a stretch in hindsight, once I’ve safely negotiated rocky terrain and can look back and see how critical it was to my unfolding. But though welcoming Chaos, and sitting still with confusion and uncertainty, can ultimately be liberating, if I can say thank you while lost, then I'm already home.

Gregg Levoy is the author of Vital Signs: The Nature and Nurture of Passion (Penguin) and Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life (Random House).

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When I Lost Myself Essays Examples

Type of paper: Essay

Topic: Psychology , Education , Communication , Development , Middle East , Life , United States , English

Published: 02/20/2020

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I have always been the perfect student back in my country, Kuwait. Since, I was a kid I dreamt of going to the United States of America to study there, and complete my bachelor’s degree. Right now I have been awarded a government scholarship to go and study in the United States of America. This has had a great impact in my life because since then, I have been excited and I know this is an answered prayer. Regardless of the excitement, my life has taken a different twist because in a way, I felt like I had lost a part of me, the part that belonged to Kuwait, to my family and also to my friends. In a nutshell, I feel that my personality has greatly changed. When I got here, I just realized that my spoken and written English was not as good. This is so because it is not my first language. I found myself among people who used English as their first language and who were very good at it. I believed I was good in it because of how competent I was back at home until I got to the USA. It dawned on me that I was getting almost everything wrong. This led me to ask myself a lot of questions whether it was only me who had a problem with my English or there are other people that we share the same experience with. I found comfort in the words of one writer, Don Larson “Language is more than a tool for understanding and being understood. It helps us maintain health and well-being. Without it we imprison our minds and lose control of our emotions. Slowly, but surely, we die a social death”. According to him, without language our social life dies. And many people believe that without language, they cannot communicate and this is not true. But now I understand that language is a communication system. It is true that we use language to communicate with others. However, language is much more than a communication system. People can use other means to communicate and a good example is the use of signs and the body as well. Music also is a tool of communication and it goes beyond the use of words and language. It can make a person understand another. All in all, since my arrival in the United Sates, so much has changed about me. The change has gone beyond my personality up to the things I do and how I do them. A good example is how I address different people to the way I eat. A new place and a new country can change a person completely. There are things about me that have changed positively. I cannot say that the change is good or bad but the bottom line is that, I am no longer the same. Even amid all these challenges, I try so much not to use difficult words that might confuse me when am talking the Native Americans. Sometimes when I say them, I do so incorrectly and this makes me feel embarrassed. But the one thing I have come to learn and appreciate is the fact that language is a powerful tool and it goes beyond spellings and pronunciations In conclusion, learning English language did change how I see things and think but it has not really changed who I am. It has made me a better person because I have learnt to appreciate other people and I am proud to say that other people have also learnt to appreciate me and my flaws. Language is a powerful tool that speaks to the heart even in signs and other forms of communication (Sandoval 23). Therefore, no one should be afraid of saying the wrong things, with experience and time, this changes as they perfect their skills. It is true that learning a new language can be hard, but language can help you change the way you think and makes you see life from a different perspective. Language is a great tool to communicate and English has become part of the tools that I use to communicate.

Works Cited

Larson, Don. Guidelines for barefoot Language Learning: An Approach Through Involvement and Independence. Bloomington: Indiana University. 1984 Sandoval, Emanuel. The Importance of Learning a Foreign Language in a Changing Society. Bloomington: iUniverse. 2005

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I’ve Lost Myself: Where Can I Be Found?

“I’ve lost myself”, “I don’t know who I am anymore”, “I don’t know who I am without __________”, and “I feel like I’m losing myself” are phases we have all said at some point in our lives. Chances are, we’ve all had moments where we stared up at the sky wondering “what it all means”- and if you’re like a good chunk of people, you’ve been conditioned to take other people’s wishes for your life and put them before your own. Whether it’s pressure to be a top performer, provider, significant other, or model employee, it seems that we always have some one  or some thing  we feel we should be measuring up to. Oftentimes, we spend so much time on this hamster wheel of dedicating our life to other people and being who we thought we were  supposed  to be, that it sometimes isn’t until later in life when we are able to firmly define who we are.  

So rest assured- it’s completely natural to say things like “I feel lost” when you are living in a world that can seem like it is demanding so much of you. Studies show that 75% of women feel  pressure to be perfect – coinciding with 62% of the male respondents of the study. It’s no wonder why so many people have seasons where they feel lost. Even the boldest and most free of us have had pivotal moments where we had to decide to regain control of our lives and create our own identity.

So in this blog, you’re going to learn how to unleash ‘the WHOA factor’. You know, the person that walks past you that makes you go “whoaaaaaaaa” in amazement as you watch them walk past (in slow motion, of course). They’re the 70-year-old’s running marathons , the spicy older couple latin-dancing on the sidewalk, the 30-something year old in prestige suits and expensive jewelry- that you feel like you aren’t allowed to look at- owns a luxury vehicle you don’t even know how to pronounce, and strongly emanates the words “I have a multi-million dollar empire”.

It’s the woman in her early sixties, with short lavender hair, tattoos, that just seems to radiate “ I AM ME” as she rollerblades past you. Or, it’s the now middle-aged woman whose children have all left the house- as well as her husband- that is now so clear on her worth, values and boundaries, that she seems like a completely different woman.

In this blog, we’re going to walk through what to do when you start having “I’ve lost myself” type of feelings and what you can do to reduce the number of times you feel that way.

1. Answer this question: “Who am I?”

Seems simple enough, but you can only answer this question without using titles. Still easy? Probably not. Many of us pride ourselves on our titles and accomplishments. But for one moment, strip yourself of those titles and think “who am I”? What kind of person are you? What do you value?  What makes you happy?  Where are you from? What makes you, you?

This is a critical question to ask yourself because it will reveal the narrative you have of yourself and how you truly feel about yourself and where you are in your life. It will also reveal what things give you your sense of identity. What better way to combat “I’ve lost myself” than by answering “Who am I” in order to determine where you’ve lost alignment?

2. What expectations do I have that are self-imposed and which are imposed by others?

A good chunk of the time, we feel lost when we are doing things that we feel are out of alignment with what we truly want. We also feel lost when we want to make other people feel proud, happy , and loved, even though it’s costing us our own. So how do you choose who gets to come first- you or them? First, take a moment to write down the goals that you have for your life. Once you’ve done that, then write down where each goal stemmed from. Was it you? Your parents? Society? Someone you wanted to prove wrong? Someone you wanted to prove right?

Next, write why each goal is important. What would be the result of you accomplishing that goal? The  real  result, not the obvious one. Hitting a financial marker obviously means you’ve increased your income, but does it also mean that you’re fulfilling your promise to yourself that you will never have to sleep in your car again like when you were homeless? Does hitting your financial marker mean that your parents will never have to pinch pennies to survive again? What’s driving each of these goals?

You’d be surprised, but most people start having feelings of being lost because they don’t know why they’re doing what they are doing anymore. They’ve slowly shifted to a primarily auto-pilot lifestyle, and thus have feelings of lost identity . Consciously declaring who you are and distinguishing your words, thoughts, feelings, and dreams, from others are important steps to take when regaining your sense of identity.  

3. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

Okay, you’ve determined who you are, you’ve distinguished your words, thoughts, feelings, and dreams from others, now it’s time to put some boundaries in place to protect yourself. One of the main reasons people get to the place where they are saying “I’ve lost myself” is because they don’t have strong boundaries. Think of boundaries as where I end, and you begin. It’s a property line in a sense. When you drive through a neighborhood that has fences, it is clear where their property starts and ends- this is how clear your boundaries need to be. So, let’s think, what things make you feel the opposite of what you want to feel? What can be done to mitigate those events? The goal here is to pinpoint  what’s not working for you right now  and how we can change that narrative and create boundaries that help you get your desired outcome.

You deserve to have your “this is me” moment and to be accepted for it. You may have made some decisions you wish you hadn’t made, you may be more “sensitive” than people would like, or too young, too old, too big, too small, too this, too that, not enough this, and not enough that, but that’s okay. What you’re going to do now, is start doing more of the things that make you feel great about yourself and where your life is going. You may be faced with some resistance from people that would prefer that you stay the version of yourself that benefits them the most, but you are entitled to being able to think of yourself first before others. Now of course that doesn’t mean go around town blowing everyone off, but it does mean that you do not have to become a vessel for self-sacrifice.

My last words to you are that it is normal to feel lost every now and then. We all get so caught up in the humdrum of life that we sometimes lose sight of what’s important to us.

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Allison Task

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2 thoughts on “i’ve lost myself: where can i be found”.

Are there any books regarding the above said mentioned topic? I’ve Lost Myself: Where Can I Be Found? Thank you in advance

Respectfully……………Mark

Hi: I lost my self and I’ve been in a depressed feeling not knowing why. In the shower tonight The light went on in my heard that what I’ve been going through was not being who I am! I told myself n the shower, man what happen to that guy with confidence and never questioning why I’m in a funk and digging that hole deeper. I said, that’scnot me at all, I know who I am and what made me who I am. I’m the guy that world travelled on my own amd had great experiences. I’m the guy that underwent numerous lives in my life. I had a military career that I thoroughly enjpyed. I challenged myself and got a degree. I married twice and my wives had my children that still talk to me. I dod a ton of things iny life, even went to rehab for alcohol and have had a spiritual experience and changed my entire life. So I’ve been blessed and still have a close loving relationship with my god of understanding! What happen is that I made that move to my hometown after retirement and I discovered tremendous changes. The friends I left at 17 when I joined the Air Force are now in their late 60’s or early 70’s. Anyway, finding things so different and changed started making feel like starting over, retired not working or having something to do, not making friends as quick, family busy, etc., I felt lonely and eventually started feeling depressed that eventually made me lose myself! Now to turn things around. Your noyes here helled me put perspective at my life and motivated me to look at myself! Thank you Mauricio

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“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

Growing up in a small town in Western Canada, I was known as the kid who accomplished things.

I was the well-mannered and conscientious child who skipped grade two, was at the top of her class, played three musical instruments, took ballet lessons, French lessons, swimming lessons, and any other lesson in which I expressed an interest.

While this might sound like the calendar of an over-scheduled kid, it actually never felt that way. I had a real love of learning, and appreciated the opportunity to be exposed to so many things.

While I was grateful for all the privileges afforded to me by my parents, the unintended side effect of being the kid who accomplished a lot was that it set a very high bar in terms of others’ expectations of me.  

I knew my classmates and teachers expected that I would go on to great things , and so, I continued to achieve. I was educated at some pretty prestigious schools and got a Masters’ degree, and then a PhD. I embarked on a career as a corporate psychologist in which I consulted to high-powered senior leaders, lived a jet-setting lifestyle, and made a healthy income.

And, if I’m being perfectly honest, it wasn’t just others’ expectations that drove me—I savored the response I got from people when they wrongly sized me up based on my appearance, and then found out about what I did. I enjoyed getting upgraded on airplanes and having access to V.I.P. areas of hotels.

Being an achiever was an integral part of my identity. Yet, after a while, it started to become confining.

As you can see from my childhood experiences, I am the sort of person who has varied interests, and a lot of them are creative. So, as you might expect, there eventually came a point in my career in which the artistic-dreamer aspects of my personality felt like they were being trampled by the pragmatic, results-driven, goal-oriented parts of me. I knew I needed to make a change.

I talked with friends about my dilemma and got advice akin to some of the backlash many others who have been lucky enough to have some degree of privilege receive. People unsympathetically dismissed the stirrings of my soul as being in the realm of self-indulgent “first world problems.”

“Do you know how many people would want your job with the money you’re making? You can’t mess that up!” a well-meaning friend said.

“Are you kidding me?” chimed in another, “You sound like one of those spoiled self-absorbed celebrity types who has lost touch with how things really are and don’t realize how good they have it.”

So, what did I do? Nothing. I put my nose to the grindstone, continued business-as-usual, and tried to revel in the identity that looked like gleaming gold to others, but was beginning to look painfully tarnished from the inside.

Then, in 2013, my husband and I had a son. Each night, as I rocked him to sleep, I did what so many parents do: I shared my hopes with him regarding how he would live his life.

I whispered to him that he could do anything he desired. I encouraged him to go after his dreams and live out his passions. I told him he was uniquely talented, and that he needed to use his gifts to the best of his ability. In other words, I told him to do everything I wasn’t doing.

As someone with a newborn, I was a rush of emotions, novel experiences, and sleep-deprivation. I had quite a bit of time in the wee hours of the morning to introspect and contemplate the meaning of life. And when I reflected on it, I knew that the reason why I wasn’t practicing what I preached was because I was scared.

What if I tried something that I was truly invested in and failed? How would others respond? Perhaps I would have to listen to sincere concern from loved ones questioning why I was making reckless choices.

Maybe I would get expressions of disappointment from certain friends as I fell from the pedestal on which they had placed me (against my will). And, it certainly wasn’t inconceivable that I might be on the receiving end of some gleeful schadenfreude from others behind my back.

Plus, there was that pesky issue of my identity. I liked being known in my circles as the one who could be counted on to achieve. Who would I be without that identity?

After numerous quiet meditations during 3:00AM feedings, I realized that who I would be was someone who was a whole lot happier.

I would be able pursue my heart’s desires unencumbered by apprehension about how others might respond. I would no longer have to stifle the voice deep inside trying to get me to embrace all sides of me. I would be free.

So, to honor my creative side, I finished a book I had started writing a few years prior. I dealt with the feelings of uncertainty and nakedness that I felt in response to putting something about which I was truly passionate outside of my reach for others to judge.

I have approached my work differently, drawing on my penchant for asking life’s deep questions and a desire to help others have professional lives that provide them with a sense of purpose.

I have allowed myself to delight in the journey, without worrying too much about how others might perceive whether or not I am living my life in the way they think I should.

And, the invisible weight that I have been carrying around has disappeared. I can just be myself —whoever that happens to be at the time.

If you, like me, have let your view of yourself hold you hostage, here are some suggestions for breaking free:

1. Think about your various identities.

Which ones work for you? Which ones constrain you? While some identities might be obvious in terms of how they hold you back (i.e.: “I am not smart.”), be aware of others that might seem positive, but actually can work against you (i.e.: “I must do everything well.”)

2. Recognize that other people, though well-meaning, can box you in.

While listening to others’ feedback can be a helpful way to develop, be aware that they bring their preconceived notions to the table. Trust your gut, and be comfortable with the fact that others may not always agree with your choices.

3. Be aware that identities change.

Just because you have been known as “The person who…” for as long as you can remember, doesn’t mean you have to own that persona for the rest of your life. Who do you want to be? What feels right for you right now?

4. Give yourself permission to grow.

Instead of needing to be exceptional right away, arming yourself with the knowledge that you can always develop in an area through effort can help to deal with some of the fears that might come up when trying something new. Be compassionate with yourself .

5. Keep in mind the words of the late, great Maya Angelou, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

Do you want to look back on your life with regrets? If not, be true to yourself, and you will be rewarded with greater life fulfillment and meaning.

About Patricia Thompson

Dr. Patricia Thompson is a corporate psychologist, coach, and author of  The Consummate Leader: a Holistic Guide to Inspiring Growth in Others…and in Yourself.   For over ten years, she's helped her clients achieve their professional goals by developing their talents and unleashing their authentic selves. If you're interested in improving your relationship, get her free e-book “Working on Your Relationship … by Working on Yourself.”

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Have You Ever Lost Your Temper?

Nov 11, 2014 | Mindfulness

This is an excerpt of an essay from my twelve-essay short series on Grace and Gratitude. Each day, I send a story with a nugget, an idea, and a practice — everything from losing your temper, to finding small happiness, to practicing meditation. The program is here ; or just enjoy the essay below as a window into our world.

The other day I lost my temper.

I’d been holding on tightly to so many projects, and I was carrying both loss and love in my heart. An email came in and I swore softly under my breath.  (Edit: perhaps not so softly).  I stomped into the kitchen and started muttering. 

This person,  I thought angrily,  had no right to be so demanding about the project we were working on.  I proceeded to launch into a tirade, ranting about the terrors of this person, sending grenades of vicious language into our living room from the kitchen table. My honey raised an eyebrow from his chair in our office and turned around, listening. He hadn’t seen me like this too often.

My mind and tongue got swept up into a spew of vitriol. Getting angrier seemed to somehow make me… angrier. 

And in the middle of, around the third or fourth paragraph, my body started to sag. I felt energy fall out of my body, and somehow I felt even worse. The crazy yelling wasn’t helping at all. I was just working myself up into a funk and I was horrified at the things that were coming out of me. It was like anger spewed out of me and I had lost myself in a tirade of feelings just because I could. For a brief second, I saw myself from across the room—this human body standing in the kitchen, frothing anger at the mouth. 

And in that realization, 

I took a breath. 

I stopped talking for one second.

And changed my mind.

“Oh noooo.”  I said to my partner, my face scrunching up into a mash-up of worry and frustration, gasping breath in, 

“I don’t like what’s happening. I don’t like talking like this. I need to watch my tongue. What’s happening?” 

I exhaled completely, shakily. I called a time-out on myself.  (I think my partner thinks I’m comical when I do stuff like this). Marched myself into the other room and sat down on the bed, steaming mad, huffing and puffing, shaking and stomping, still angry, but with enough of a fraction of awareness to take my piping-mad self into the other room and give her a little time out.

“You know what?” I yelled from the other room.

“I’m going to go shower and stop talking and see if I can figure out some of these feelings. I’m sorry about losing my temper.”

It came out “I’M SOR-RY I LOST MY TEMPER. HUMPH.”

I walked (stomped) out and headed to the shower. Not the classiest apology, but.

That was a moment of grace. 

It’s not about being perfect and never making mistakes ( Please! Who are we kidding?).  

It’s about giving your self the grace to become aware in the present and to shift your thoughts or your behavior.

You’re allowed to be imperfect, and you’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to edit yourself, reflect, and improve. It’s about owning where you are at this exact moment. It’s about being honest and brave. And it’s about being able to say,

“Oh gosh, that just isn’t what I meant to do. That’s not what I want to be. I am so sorry, and I’m going to shift. Right now, now that I’m aware, I’m going to change my mind.”

I have permission to do it another way.

As a husband or a wife, you can pivot. When you make a mistake and you yell at your child, you’re allowed to go in and say to your partner, “I think I goofed. I think I did that wrong. Can you help? I’d like to find a better way.”

“That didn’t feel good. I want to do it better next time.” 

This is a moment of grace. Of presence. Of foundation.

Here’s the interesting thing about grace: grace can happen anytime. Grace can happen anywhere. It’s a softening, a releasing, and a letting go. It’s permission that you maybe don’t have everything right. And you can pivot in a minute. You are allowed to be you. 

Words of wisdom: you’re allowed to make mistakes. And have feelings. 

As humans, part of our job is allowing ourselves to make mistakes, acknowledge them, own up to them, and reaching out if we need to. You’ll know the feeling. You have a pang, a little emotional signal shooting up at you when you think that maybe you’ve over done it, but you stubbornly don’t want to admit it.

Feelings are our body’s way of talking to us. Most people tend to ignore their feelings or cover them up by stuffing them under a rug or trying to forget what happened and move on. We puff up and change our behavior largely because we just aren’t sure what to do with that firestorm of feelings brewing beneath the surface. It’s not entirely our fault, either: we don’t have great language (or cultural norms) for talking about and identifying all those feelings we have inside. 

When you start to analyze what the feelings are behind the emotions and reactions, it will become easier to understand your reaction to different people and events and learn from it. 

The more awareness and emotional intelligence you have around your feelings, the less you become a reaction fuse, and the more you’re able to look inwards and say, “Huh, that really made me angry. She pushed a nerve—she triggered this insecurity within me. I now have a choice in how I react.” (The alternative is a blind “nerve-pushed! nerve-pushed!” reaction). 

The more you can take a look at the deeper feelings behind every action, and how each feeling connects to an action, the easier it gets to connect the feeling to the action in real time. To be fair, however, sometimes it takes me months to figure out what the real feelings are behind something that happens; other times the connections become more and more apparent.

Forgiveness—of both ourselves and of others—isn’t about forgetting or surrendering to other people. Forgiveness is seeing things as they really are. It’s about seeing yourself as you really are (and the inner stories you have, the feelings you’re feeling, and the work that you’re holding); and it’s about seeing other people as who they are, in real time. It’s about realizing that everyone has their own body of work to do. 

“Forgiveness is the choice to see people as they are now.” —Marianne Williamson

The more you practice, the easier it gets..

There’s a really important point about this exercise that’s worth pointing out: the more you practice it, the easier it gets.

In life, there are examples of small-but-tangible practices. Have you ever dropped litter on the ground? Some people stop to pick it up and don’t even think about it. Pretend that you accidentally dropped a wrapper on the floor and you don’t notice for a few steps. When you turn around, you see the trash behind you.

What do you do?

For many of us, it depends. If it’s far away, we might continue walking—even though there’s a ping in our hearts that says, “I really should go get that.”

Actually, the biggest and most opportune time to practice a behavior is when it’s so small it’s easy to do.

Whether or not you pick up the trash is incredibly important for the neurons and habits in your brain. If you practice picking up the trash every time, you begin to tell yourself a story about what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. You commit to taking action when you notice something that’s wrong.

“The most opportune time to practice a behavior is when it’s so small it’s easy to do.”

It initiates a cascade effect of good behavior. The next day, if you see someone leave their tablet out on a table and forget it, it will be a smidgeon easier to walk over to them and say, “hey, I think you left this behind!” The behavior chain and habit pattern continues. Then, when you get to a moment and you’re in a heated fight or angry outburst, this neuron—this behavior pattern that lets you pivot, that lets you initiate, that knows that you trust it to do something right—it will speak up. It will nudge you, and it’ll say, 

Hey, maybe not this way. 

Try again? 

Let’s pause. 

Let’s do it this other way we’ve been training.

Let’s look at ourselves, imperfect, fallible, strange, growing, and remember that it’s okay to learn. To grow. To adapt.

We’re allowed to make mistakes. We’re allowed to breathe. And we’re allowed to say, hey,

I’m going to try to make this a little bit better.

Calculate for all schools

Your chance of acceptance, your chancing factors, extracurriculars, how do i write a good essay about myself.

I'm struggling with writing my college essay. How can I write a compelling and genuine essay about myself without it sounding boring or braggy? Any tips would really help!

First, I understand that writing a personal essay can be challenging, but with a little guidance and practice, you can create a compelling piece. Here are some steps to help you write a strong essay:

1. Choose a unique angle: Instead of providing a broad overview of your life, focus on a specific experience, interest, or aspect of your personality that has shaped who you are. This will make your essay more focused and memorable.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of simply stating your qualities, provide concrete examples of how you've demonstrated those characteristics. Use vivid details, anecdotes, and sensory language to bring your story to life.

3. Be authentic: Be genuine in your writing and don't try to present yourself as someone you're not. Admissions officers want to get to know the real you, so let your personality shine through.

4. Reflect on your experiences: Point out the lessons you've learned and how those experiences have influenced your growth and decision-making. This will show maturity and self-awareness, which are traits that colleges value.

5. Avoid clichés: Steer clear of overused phrases, ideas, or experiences. Make sure your essay stands out by giving it a fresh and original perspective.

6. Edit and revise: Once you have a draft of your essay, review it for clarity, grammar, punctuation, and flow. Make sure that each paragraph supports the central theme of your essay and that your writing is concise and engaging.

7. Get feedback: Share your essay with teachers, family members, or friends to gain different perspectives. Incorporate their feedback to help refine your essay and ensure it's an accurate representation of yourself.

For example, if you have a passion for community service, you might write about a specific volunteer experience that had a significant impact on you. Talk about the challenges you faced, the people you helped, and the lessons you learned. Make sure to incorporate personal stories and reflections to give your essay depth and substance.

Remember, a good college essay showcases your personality, values, and growth. By following these steps, you can create a compelling and genuine essay that will leave a lasting impression on admissions officers. Good luck!

About CollegeVine’s Expert FAQ

CollegeVine’s Q&A seeks to offer informed perspectives on commonly asked admissions questions. Every answer is refined and validated by our team of admissions experts to ensure it resonates with trusted knowledge in the field.

Have You Lost Yourself? 10 Signs You Might Be Suffering from Self Abandonment

Mary Baker blogpost , Uncategorized abandonment , authentic , relationship , resentment , responsibility , selfcare , selfish

You’ve lost your keys, your grocery list, etc etc but have you ever stopped to wonder if you have slowly lost yourself?  Seems like a crazy statement on the face of it, but self abandonment really is a thing.  A thing all too common for way too many of us.

What I really mean by “losing you” is when you have become caught up in, mired in or enmeshed with another person or situation that has come to monopolize your focus slowly but surely…often so insidiously you didn’t see it happening.

So how do you know if any of the above is happening?  Here are some of the symptoms:

•  You are feeling frustrated and angry, especially with the person/situation you have been so focused on.
• You have moments (or days!) when you feel so foggy, confused, forgetful and stressed.
• You now keep opinions, needs or hurts to yourself, because you know it won’t go well if you try to voice them.
• You have stopped your self-care, such as working out, rest, relaxation, getting (your) things done.
• You’ve been “too busy” or stressed to stay connected to your support system.
• You feel unappreciated and alone – that your needs are not being noticed or met.
• Others’ problems are your focus – how to fix it, or how to fix them by compensating for when others won’t do what they need to take care of themselves.
• You’ve stopped doing things you love – things that would have been an issue or conflict if you had kept doing them.
• Feelings of shame and guilt keep coming up, and your confidence has taken a hit.
• You’ve lost sight of what you used to be passionate about.

An example is a client who was furious with her husband for “abandoning her” by not showing enough appreciation or anticipating what she needed.  In her eyes he also didn’t work as hard as she did in the home.  She had to do it all.  She also became jealous of his work and his friends – even his time with their son because she felt neglected.

So why does this happen…and happen to so many of us?  Well usually it starts with a history of caregivers giving us the message we should always put others first, and setting boundaries is selfish and uncaring.  Often this is modeled to us as well, so there was the template to follow in relationships.

This creates underlying fears that in order to be the good partner/spouse/friend/parent/employee, and therefore have love and approval, we must then subvert our boundaries, our needs and hell, eventually our identity in order to be accepted.

Thus, the boundaries between where we end and others begin become blurred.  This is people-pleasing, which comes from fear of others’ disapproval.  The avoidance of conflict protects us from being shamed, rejected and emotionally abandoned.  We need their approval to feel ok.

So…we hyper focus on them and can’t see that we can and SHOULD be separate and still be loving, kind and dependable.  Because, those who cannot accept you for who you are – who you REALLY are don’t deserve to be in your life.

So if you can resonate with some or all of the symptoms, take heart.  You can regain yourself!  Begin by spending time each day by yourself to get grounded it what you need, what you feel, and how you can take responsibility for you. Like I coached my client, I would encourage you to journal, write an “I’m So Sorry” letter to yourself so you can forgive yourself, and have a really good cry.  Let it out.

Then reconnect with healthy others who support your authenticity and will hold you lovingly accountable to set boundaries and heal.

So, if you have abandoned yourself, or can see the slippery slope ahead, remember:

It’s a lie that you ever have to give up you to be there for someone else.  You can just be you.  You can learn to negotiate, to parter, to share.  And it will feel so much better!

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After Losing Myself in Midlife, I Found My Voice Again Through Writing - Here's How

B efore I had kids, I was ambitious and successful in my career. And as a new parent, I assumed applying the same skills and drive that had worked in my job to parenting would lead to a thriving family. I thought everything would work out according to my master plan.

Then, one of my three children was diagnosed with severe ADHD . When he was 18 months old, we were kicked out of Mommy & Me class and things went downhill from there. Parenting engulfed me and my work life fell by the wayside. Caring for aging parents, attending constant parent-teacher conferences, running between school pick-ups and soccer practices, and endlessly advocating for accommodations took up all the hours in my day. When I turned forty, I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt like I had lost my voice. I was drowning.

I had always been a writer, but I gave up writing in college. I didn’t think I was good enough. Over the years, I felt words bubbling up, but I squashed them. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom , when I felt overwhelmed, empty, and with nothing left to lose, that I finally picked up a pen again.

Writing revealed my feelings to me. It helped me reclaim parts of myself that I had lost or divorced or given away years earlier. Writing brought me back in touch with who I truly was. Over the years of rushing around and being in service and making sure my family’s needs were met, I had not slowed down enough to consider my own needs or take into account my own feelings or develop a practice to stay in touch with myself. Writing forced me to do this: to slow down, uni-task, and connect to myself.

But writing was not without its own challenges. They say writers write ‘what they know.’ But I felt shame around writing about parenting and fighting with the school and the daily life of dinner-making and kid raising. I did not want to write what was true for me because I did not feel it was important enough to warrant writing about. Other people’s critique underscored my insecurities and made me want to quit.

Then I had an awareness from my spiritual psychology studies that changed my writing and my life: I judged my writing as ‘not good enough’ because I judged myself as not good enough. The issue was not about my writing; it was about me. I did not believe my stories mattered because I did not believe my voice mattered . It was not time to give up writing; it was time to give up the limiting beliefs that told me I was not enough and were holding me back.

Writing my way back

When I created new beliefs that I was worthy of sharing my own story and that my writing was an important vehicle for me to connect to myself and others, words started to flow onto the page. Soon, I began sending my work out and, to my surprise, my personal essays about parenting were published in outlets including BuzzFeed , the Los Angeles Times , the Washington Post, and later The New York Times . Readers emailed me and shared that they were having the same experiences and they related to my stories. I had believed I was “not enough” but that was not true. When I started believing in my value, writing led me back to myself and much more.

How to tell your story

I created Heart. Soul. Pen. women’s writing workshops to counter this insidious doubt that stops so many women from writing and sharing their truths. Too often, women show up at Heart. Soul. Pen. writing workshops with a story burning inside of them that wants to come out. They are carrying a narrative that defines them and that only they can share, and yet they confess that they do not believe they are ‘enough’ to tell their story — not talented enough or young enough or important enough or with the right degrees or experience or background.

They do not feel worthy of writing what wants to be written from deep within their hearts and souls. I call these burning words your radical self-expression. Unleashing it will not only change your writing, it will change your life. But one of the first things we need to do when establishing a writing practice is clear out our limiting beliefs. Otherwise, writing feels too difficult, and we end up giving up.

The following contains excerpts from Robin Finn’s new book Heart. Soul. Pen.: Find Your Voice on the Page and in Your Life .

Heart. Soul. Pen.: Find Your Voice on the Page and In Your Life

The myth of the mundane.

At a recent writing workshop, a women raised her hand to share her writing. When I called on her, she told the group that she did not want to read her piece out loud because she said, “It’s so mundane.” With gentle encouragement, she shared a piece about caregiving for her husband who was newly diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. She wrote about how she sometimes did not feel like caregiving, and how difficult it was to care for him and herself, and how hard and painful it was to adjust to a new life with his illness. Not only was the writing not mundane, but it was brave, important, poignant, and relatable to anyone who has ever cared for a loved one with an illness. Her piece was filled with grief, truth, loss, and hope.

As a teacher, I find this happens all the time — women tell me they have nothing “important” to say and then, when encouraged, share writing full of so much longing, loss, joy, pain, and yearning that it takes my breath away. When I ask the class, “Was this uninteresting?” they laugh. It seems funny to ask the question because it is so obvious that the writing has illuminated some important aspect of being human and that the writer has boldly shared it with us. The bottom line is that we are moved by each other’s authentic self-expression. In our highly curated social media world , people are hungry for truth. But we cannot get to the truth when we judge it as not enough.

I could say that I do not know where women get the message that they are not enough or that their writing does not have value. But that would be a lie. As a woman, of course I do. Women get the message that they are not enough or that their words or self-expression are not important from just about everywhere. We are told to be pleasant. To not be bossy, loud, or make other people feel uncomfortable. We are told to be sunny, to smile, to be positive and reassuring.

We are told not to talk about the excruciating nature of motherhood, midlife, menopause, mental health, sexual violence, sexual desire, or anything that is not “pretty.” And, when we become a mother or get older or hit midlife or go gray (or silver) , then we really should be quiet since “we are not in our prime” (as if someone else gets to determine when we are in our prime). Add to this the misbeliefs placed on young girls that they should not be demanding, or too talkative, or take up too much space, or else they are not “good.” These beliefs can stick to us for years, decades even.

Limiting Beliefs About Writing and Worthiness

Shame is a powerful barrier to self-expression. I wanted to write and express myself, but there was so much judgment holding me back. So, I sat down and investigated my beliefs. I focused on my beliefs about writing and worthiness.

This was my step-by-step process:

1. I examined my beliefs about writing and worthiness by writing down each belief. Mine looked like this:

Only young, hip people have something to say.

I am too old to write.

It is too late.

My writing is embarrassing.

The topics I am writing about are boring.

No one will care about what I am writing.

I am not a good writer.

I should stop trying.

If I keep writing, everyone will see I am not good enough.

I missed my chance.

2. I reviewed each belief according to two main questions:

Does this belief support my goal to write, express myself, unleash my radical self-expression?

Does this belief make me feel good — is it uplifting?

3. If the answer to both questions was “yes,” I kept the belief. If the answer to either question in whole or in part was “no,” I revised or released it.

4. I created new beliefs that supported my goal to write and express myself. Here were my beliefs when I finished:

I write because I feel called.

I am naturally creative.

Writing is an adventure.

I am curious about what words will emerge.

I give myself permission to write what is true for me.

I am worthy of hearing and expressing myself.

I am allowed to be seen.

It is enough to show up and write.

I am enough.

Now is the perfect time.

I have compassion for myself.

5. For months, I repeated my new beliefs daily, made them the screen saver on my phone, reread them before I went to bed and when I woke up.

Getting rid of my limiting beliefs about writing, about myself as a writer, and about my own worthiness gave me the sense of relief I experienced when I used the same approach to parenting. But, like before, it also took time to fully embrace these new beliefs. Still, I felt calmer, more inspired, and even excited. I felt ready to begin a fresh writing adventure.

How to Revise and Release Limiting Beliefs

Let’s go through the process of reviewing your beliefs about writing, identifying the beliefs that don’t serve your goals, and revising or releasing them so that the beliefs you actively hold support the goals you want to achieve.

1. Write down your beliefs about writing and self-expression and worthiness.

2. Review each belief according to two questions:

• Does this belief support my goal to write, express myself, unleash my radical self-expression?

• Does this belief make me feel good—is it uplifting?

3. If the answer to both questions is “yes,” keep the belief. If the answer to either question in whole or in part is “no,” revise it or release it.

4. Create new beliefs that support your writing, your worthiness, and your radical self-expression.

5. Write them down and review them. Do they support your goals? If not, go back to #4. If so, go on to #6.

6. Repeat your new beliefs daily. Read them once in the morning and once at night at a minimum.

We may not initially believe our new, more supportive beliefs. That is okay. The more we repeat the new beliefs and anchor to them, the more comfortable we will feel. It takes time. That is why it is called a “practice.” We have to practice every day until our new beliefs become ingrained within us as part of our identity.

More from Flow Space

• The Surprising Impact Your Finances Have on Your Mental Health

Whats your Grief

I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore: Grief and Loss of Identity

General / General : Litsa Williams

For further articles on these topics:

Identity is a funny thing.  The way we think of ourselves, how we define ourselves, the story we tell ourselves about who we are, all of that comes together to create our identity.  And yet we don’t always have a conscious awareness of our identity or even a loss of identity.  It often exists in the background, like the soundtrack of a film.  We aren’t consciously aware of it until something changes.  Seriously, have you ever watched familiar movie clips without the soundtrack?  It’s weird.

Okay, back to identity. When we experience a loss we are often focused on the tangible “things” we lose – the person, the house, the job, the relationship, etc.  That’s, of course, a huge part of grief.  But there is this other part of grief that we are often less aware of it.  It is the secondary losses that happen like dominoes falling, creating far more to cope with than just the primary loss. 

We talk about these secondary losses a lot around here and often quickly list them off, throwing in “loss of identity” without saying much more.  Today we are going to change that because there is a lot to say and to think about when it comes to loss of identity in grief.  It shapes so much of how we exist in the world and research has shown that the lack of “self-clarity” that comes in grief as a result of loss of identity is correlated with higher rates of depression and post-traumatic stress.  We’re going to talk about different types of identity, how we can experience identity changes or losses, and what to do about it.  Spoiler alert: there are no easy answers.

Relational Identity

This is one that quickly comes to mind in grief.  It is the piece of my identity that is based on my relationship with another person.  So, perhaps I am a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a mother, and on and on.  When we lose someone, we often feel we have lost this relational sense of self.  We find ourselves asking questions like, who am I if not a wife?

Relational identities change, even with the same person.  For instance, when someone becomes ill your role might shift from being a spouse or a child to a caregiver.  There are still components of your original role, but you may find that shifting as you take on more and more responsibilities as a caregiver.  When a person dies, caregivers often feel their sense of purpose is less clear.  When your relational identity becomes so defined by caring for another person, when that person is gone it can be hard to regain a sense of self.

Additionally, grief can ‘re-write your address book’ . Friends shift, a distance may arise between friends or family of the person who died.  This can lead to another shift in relational identity, feeling a loss of community and connection to loved ones who are still living.

Professional identity

Phrases like “I am a teacher” or “I am a carpenter” or “I am a doctor” make clear that we often consider our profession as a huge part of who we are.   We have knowledge, skills, and expertise related to our jobs.  Much of our time is defined by our jobs.  We often have a community through our jobs.  When we retire, lose or leave a job, even if it is by choice, there is often a loss of our professional identity that can have a profound impact on our sense of self.  If I have been a teacher for 40 years, it is an adjustment to conceptualize who I am and what gives my days structure and purpose if I am no longer a teacher.  Sometimes a job loss is the primary loss, but sometimes it is a result of needing to leave the workforce to care for a sick loved one or to relocate after a death.  As you can imagine, this can result in multiple identity losses stacking up on one another.

Spiritual identity

Whether a Christian, a Muslim, an atheist, a Buddhist, or just someone who identifies as “spiritual” but not religious, we often have a spiritual identity that can grow, shift, shake, and disappear over a lifetime. This can be because of a death or just at different moments in life.  After a loss we hear many people describe everything from a crisis of faith to an increased sense of spirituality.   When it is the former, we often hear people describe a sense that they have lost something that felt fundamental to who they were and hence lost a bit of their footing.  Also with the sense of self as a spiritual person, there is often a sense of community that comes with a religious community that may also be lost, leaving people feeling both the loss their spiritual identity and distanced or isolated from their spiritual community.

Financial Identity

Though we often don’t think of finances as part of our identity, our ability to provide for ourselves and our family financially is often an important component of our sense of self.  Whether it is a constant state of financial struggle or pride in strong financial independence, we often have an expectation about what our financial identity is and should be.  Illnesses and deaths can have a deep impact on financial identity.  From overwhelming healthcare costs to leaving a job to become a caregiver, to a dual income household becoming single income, death can rattle our sense of financial security and independence and create a financial loss of identity.  On the other end of the spectrum, life insurance or inheritance after a death can improve financial security and, though this may sound like exclusively a good change to financial identity, for some people it leads to feelings of guilt after a death.

Physical Identity

Much like financial identity is often correlated with our ability to provide for ourselves and our families, physical identity often defines how we are capable of physically existing in the world.  In basic ways, like having the luxury to work any type of job, play with children, go for a walk or to the gym, and move free from pain, our physical self is fundamental to much our daily life.  For some, the physical is even more significant – people who identify as athletes or who use a lot of physical movement in their work are often even more deeply connected to their physical selves.  An illness, injury, and even aging can take a serious toll on the physical self, leading people a physical loss of identity that can sometimes be accompanied by a loss of self-worth. This is something we may struggle with ourselves or watch a loved one struggle with as an illness progresses.

Though this can be harder to label, our outlook or perspective on the world can be deeply connected to our identity and it can also be shaken by a trauma or loss.  Whether it is the belief that the world is a fair and just place, a general optimistic perspective, being a 'happy person, or a feeling that the world is predictable or safe, our lens through which we see the world has a deep impact on our identity.  A significant death or trauma can shake these assumptive beliefs about the world, leaving people sometimes feeling more negative, jaded, pessimistic, or unable to engage with other people or activities the way they used to.  This can result in an identity change or loss that feels difficult to reconcile.

Okay, so I have definitely experienced a loss of identity. Now what?

We’ve thrown a ton of information about grief and loss of identity your way.  If you’re thinking “yes, this is me!” you may also be thinking “what do I do about it??”.   There is no easy answer, but the first thing to keep in mind is your identity will never be what it was before the loss.  Like so many things in grief, trying to go back to how things were before the loss just isn’t possible.  Part of regaining a sense of self after the loss is accepting that identity is going to be different than it was before.

From there it is important to remember that different doesn’t mean bad.  As human beings, we often don’t like change.  We have ideas about how life is supposed to look and who we are supposed to be.  When life doesn’t pan out that way, it can be easy to assume that no alternative will ever allow us to have a sense of well-being.  Though there will always be a deep sense of grief around the people and things in life that we lose, this does not mean there will not be other things that bring a sense of purpose, joy, and contentment and that will slowly become part of your identity.

Remember, you can bring the past into the present.  The person you lost, the person you were, those are all things that will still be a part of you as you go forward.  The myth of “letting go” has left many grievers feeling like the healthy way to grieve is to shut the door to the past.  As we have said time and time and time again, a continued connection to loved ones , as well as a continued connection to the person we used to be , can be a very healthy part of moving forward.

Finally, take some time to reflect on your identity.  Whether it is talking with a friend, a counselor, writing, art, or some other form of expression, consider how your identity has shifted.  Make an effort to focus not just on the losses, but also on gains.  This may be the new relationships that have formed, positive changes in perspective, new skills or growth that have come from changes in professional or physical identity, etc.  Though it is easy to focus on the loss of self, rebuilding self-identity can slowly come through an awareness of changes in the self.  This means bringing pieces along, acknowledging pieces that will never be the same, and establishing new pieces of the self that are built on things that came before.

Like I said, no easy answers.  But if you relate we would love to hear about your experience with loss of identity and any tips for coping.  Leave a comment!

We wrote a book!

After writing online articles for  What’s Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book!

What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss  is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

• Barnes & Noble
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• Hudson Booksellers

Let’s be grief friends.

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214 comments on "i don't know who i am anymore: grief and loss of identity".

Kim   January 22, 2024 at 6:54 pm Reply

My husband who was my best friend died by suicide on March 3, 2022. Our 2 teenage sons graduated high school and started college. They moved out with their friends and girlfriends. I’m so proud of them! Now I am just extra baggage. I have tried reading all the right books, Journaling, therapy when I was able, self reflection, grief groups. But I am now struggling with money, although I work harder now than ever. I have lost faith in any spirituality, I lost the feeling of knowing everything always works out. I miss my husband. Im angry at my husband. I miss being a mom that is still raising a family. I miss having hope. I don’t know how to get back to okay. I don’t know where Kim is or who she is. I don’t look forward to anything anymore. I can’t let anyone I care about know how I feel because they are suffering though this unexpected suicide as well. I don’t want them to worry! I feel like I’m in limbo.

Lakisha C   June 25, 2023 at 1:24 am Reply

Almost two years ago, I lost my oldest son in a tragic car accident. The pain of his passing has left me feeling as though a part of my soul died with him. I can empathize with those who have also lost a child, as it can be difficult to navigate life without them. My son and I had a close relationship, and it’s important for people to understand that a mother’s bond with her child is unbreakable, regardless of their age. Losing a child is one of the most traumatic experiences a mother can endure, as it feels like a part of her has been taken away.

Liz   June 23, 2023 at 6:58 pm Reply

I lost my son 2 years ago after a lifetime of health issues. Even during our time with Hospice, I couldn’t believe he would really leave us. We were closer than friends. He thought of himself as my caretaker. Despite his illness he smiled until he couldn’t. I still don’t know who I am without him. I find cards he wrote, gifts he bought and try to listen to his music. As a full time caregiver I didn’t realize I was mourning what would never be. Without my counselor, I would never have found the strength to take care of me.

Cha chi   May 14, 2023 at 4:41 am Reply

My cousin was my best friend. His father, my uncle died in 2013. He was helping me get through times I told him anout feeling hopeless from a friend who died 10 months earlier to a drug relapse overdose. And my cousin was telling me about the concept about how when you have something to look foreword to, that whatever it is that is troubling you becomes less relevant around you. Days later he killed himself and I feel like a shorty cousin and friend for not noticing or asking truly how he was. It’s been 15 months, and I told myself what do I have, what matters the most. Family. And every attempt I make at communicating or helping or even just doing my regular job, it comes out not the right way and I feel misunderstood almost like my cousin had been misunderstood

Jacqueline   February 27, 2023 at 10:57 pm Reply

We all are going lose someone or something important to us sometime in our lives. Mines started at a very young age of eight going on nine, two days before my birthday. Spending Easter with grandmar’s at her house for she was my best friend. While sleeping she called me and I went to her care, and she fell in my arms she was so heavy, I told her I couldn’t lift her up. She died of aneurysm, I was also a young bright kid advancing in first year human biology book. Long before the accident, I did drawing and writings of deaths leading towards aneurysm. Then my parents died a few years later. Forced to live with well to do relatives, left me lonely sad, with abused, physically, and emotionally. As a talented kid my grandmother and parents had enlisted me at an early age in theater arts and modern dance before their death. I excel with honor and awards. At the this new dysfunctional new home, I kept my ground to be a good girl and endure as much as I can until I reach the age to vote and then move out peacefully. I got a job in the health department of dance and worked my way to pay for my education in college. I wanted to be a good Psychiatrist but made it as far as I could, to be become a counselor. Started early, twenty years in the field helping men, women and children. I taught City College and high school teaching dance and physical education. It was just so wonderful for me and them. During that time I met my lovely husband and after three years we had gotten married. Not long after, two aunts and three uncles died. My grandfather had died years before grandmar, but that didn’t matter for I never knew him well enough, for he had re-married and died long before my grandmar. Well my last uncle he was young and we were close friends but I still call him uncle John for respect as my mother would say. He got married and I was happy for him. A few years earlier he came and died. His wife didn’t let the family know what was going on, so he was buried before anyone knew. When I found out I became sad and depressed. Then I realized I am no longer in my field of work that I used to like and I stopped attending ballet dance classes or even teaching dance at the side. I somehow remained,slimed and petited, even though I wanted to put on weight, to me fat is good for the soul as grandmar used to say, but I was not eating and began to think of all the people whom I had loved and died. I was so busy trying to survive in this world as a young kid rightfully and concerveritly, I never taken the time and moments to grieved and cry of all the things that have happened to me. Plus I was so busy and too busy caring and counselling other people in my present job. I remember walking with my hubby and tears coming down as I cried in public. People were looking at me weird, as my hubby comforted me. Plus marriages has its place of grieving too,when two people are growing and learning about each other. I was raised religious and always in the rc church on a Sunday morning. One morning a woman of the church, same age of my mom if my mother was alive. She told me she had lost a loved one, I had compassion with love for her and understood some of her pain. She asked about my loss, and I told her about grandma and parents, and how I had tried to saved my grandmother when she fell into my arms, from my young medical back- ground after reading all those pre- meds books. Not long after, that woman spread a terrible rumor that I read bad books and I was treated like a “ex- communicated” as they call it in the rc church from the priest to everyone else. I was so hurt, right after I had gotten terribly sick and all my childhood doors of death of families that had died began opening like in the movie “The Shining, ” to me. I have a library of so many Psy- books in one room of our home but I didn’t want to take the advice I had given to others and I didn’t want to talk to anyone, the last counselor I went too, I was counselling her. So I began to look at my life, who I was, who I am, and all the hard work I had given to this life with God at my side. I always had the church but they were never at my side, and now they’d abandoned me. I realized all I need is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and my holy bible. My hubby agreed with me, because he believes in God not the church and we are still donating and helping the less fortunate organizations, and via television church, but never to go in a church again. we are not rich but only rich with the love of thy Holy Divine. I am not sure who I am now, but I haven’t given up that little fighter girl within me. I am looking for a new identity without fear and shame and to be proud of my past because it is this past that created the wonderful me now. Yes, some days are better than others but I will and I am getting through this. I know some people would say the church is a place of hurt people who are there to be loved with Divine care. So one must expect the hurt they do to others who are in pain of life’s griefs. But sick people go the hospital to heal and to be taken care of to good health and well being, we don’t see sick people getting off their sick beds to hurt other sick people in the same hospital, because they all are sick together and have compassion for one another. I missed my, parents, grandparents, aunts and all four uncles who had died too young. But for now I have to try and face the hurt, heal and began the positive journey of a productive and progressive new identity for the new me while I am healing, and that may be a short or long journey, but I am willing to take until my Divine maker is ready for me and my hubby to take us home to Him, and I am praying hopefully that as my night dreams has once stated, we will see each other and families again. 🌿🌿🌿

BMMS   December 7, 2022 at 10:34 pm Reply

My wife of 26 years died of cancer in 2020 after having 3 forms over 14 years. The last year, I was heavily into caretaker identity and, when she passed, I lost interest in everything I’d ever been interested or involved in before. I moved 5 months later to the big city, 2 miles from my step-daughter (no bio children) and I realize that she was dealing with loss of her mother but she never invited me over despite us being very close in the past. So, I felt very alone in this huge city and had depression for the first time in my life. I’m now in love and going to marry an incredible woman but my problem is that I haven’t regained my identity. I can’t be with her during the week and I have nothing much to do so I struggle mightily! I’ve read all the suggestions about how to réengage but I can’t seem to muster the motivation. I’ve tried many things but none stuck. We’ll be moving in together in a month but I see that I still need to find identity/purpose within myself. Thanks for the article on identity because I’ve never thought of my situation in those terms.

BMMS   December 7, 2022 at 10:46 pm Reply

I wanted to add that I woke up one day 5 months after losing her and it hit me that I had no choice but to go forward and start rebuilding my life. The good news is that I realized I could rebuild it any way I chose, leaving out parts of the past I didn’t want to carry forward. As a result, I have no family anymore. That’s a whole diff post but I now have only my fiancée and she has only me so we are starting our lives over in a diff state trying hard to leave all the past completely behind us! Even tho it’s a big change, it also seems like a unique opportunity to make the most of whatever life we have left and carry no baggage forward.

Haven G P   November 8, 2022 at 8:46 am Reply

Appreciate this article but must point out that Judaism is omitted in the spirituality section!

Fraser   September 9, 2022 at 4:21 am Reply

I recently lost my partner of 18 years shortly before her fortieth birthday. I have been through a tremendous amount of of grief since that night. It’s been over a year now and I still have no idea who I am without her. I’m going to sound like a hypocrite now but I started dating someone 2months after my partner died. Too fast for some but I am forever grateful to this woman for coming into my life. She has helped put me back together, but because I haven’t delt with my loss completely I am taking things out on her. Anger seems to be something I can’t escape, I never had issues with it before but now it is almost always seething under the surface. Baseless accusations lies told for no reason , thinking she isn’t on my side. I don’t know who this person is inside me but I can’t stand them. I’m pushing my new loved one out of my life, and the loneliness terrifies me. Deep down I know I love her why can’t I show her? Who is this loser inside me?

Litsa   September 12, 2022 at 2:51 pm Reply

Grief is complex and often we take it out on those we love, for many reasons. Talking with a therapist might help you sort through some of these complicated emotions. Often anger gets displaced. Sometimes there is guilt you might be feeling, fear, and other emotions that come out as anger. Beginning to date so quickly may have provided a distraction that allowed you to ignore some things that you’ll need to address to build a good, lasting relationship with this person.

RE   June 28, 2023 at 1:46 pm Reply

This article hit all too well. I’ve had a lot of change. What brought me here is at times I feel like I’m depressed and I guess floaty without feeling grounded like I used to. 1). Went through a divorce after 21 years of marriage . (3 years ago) 2). My dad died two years ago… Both of my parents are now gone. 3). My son went away to college last year. 4). I started a new job three years ago and then got caught up recently in the big tech lay offs. Looking for next career steps. 5). Moved to a different state four months ago to be with my fiancé … I am now engaged to a beautiful woman who has two 17-year-old twins. To say at times I feel like i am stranger in this well oiled machine of a house would be an understatement. It’s not necessarily them, but the ship was moving when I moved in. 6). I moved away from my hometown 21 years ago.

Basically, I feel like I’ve lost so many things that has meant so much to me. Struggling amd find myself knowing I need to be social and get out but I can’t find the energy or get rid of the empofeeling that will allow me to do it. … Trying to figure out who I am and what I represent anymore. I’ll figure it out. God love all the people on here sharing their stories and who are going through hard times. I’ve traveled to 48 countries for business and I’ve seen so much poverty and hardship. Knowing people have the same problems I do, but don’t have food every day along with those problems somehow put things into perspective for me. It has helped but even those thoughts thoughts are not working to make me feel gratitude. We’ll get through this!

D   July 23, 2022 at 4:11 pm Reply

My only earthly son married in June. I was having a lot of trouble with my thoughts/feelings surrounding the event. I am happy about the marriage and all of us being together. The part I dreaded was knowing my son Joshua would not be there. The day of the wedding, I was able to be happy on the outside to celebrate. It was a huge struggle. I think I did what Joshua would’ve wanted. All of my grandkids, Joshua’s children, were in the wedding and it was a lovely celebration. I am happy that it is done. It feels like all family events will be awkward and difficult for the rest of my life.

Christine   July 17, 2022 at 10:28 am Reply

Hello. Ah, well, this was a great read. In September, my son died shortly after graduating from boot camp. He left behind myself, 17 yr old sister and a twin brother. I spent a good amount of time very drunk and with bursts of anger that would come out of nowhere.

The feeling of a loss of identity is very real and I’m only just realising it. I’m a new person. I am not the same and I do not know who this new person is, that’s been the problem.

The most helpful thing I’ve done is to let myself feel the feeling, get to know it. It’s super helpful. I’m much more anxious and sad than I used to be.

I finally came to the conclusion that bringing the past into the present, like you said, is important. I also really really, REALLY need to get to know this new me because I’m tripping up, and staying there. That’s never been my style.

Thank you for this article!

Karan   March 1, 2023 at 4:34 pm Reply

Hi Christine thank you for posting. I lost my youngest son 2 years it will be in May and I am having the similar problem I don’t even know who I am without my son. We were very close and he was like my best friend and I absolutely just don’t know what to do with myself. I was thinking of maybe looking for some online groups.

Christine   March 3, 2023 at 7:57 am

Karen I am so sorry for your loss. The shock of it is just as real now as when it first happened. Although I have been continuously told I should seek therapy, I’ve held back. I just now realized that this is probably due to the fact that I don’t want anyone to “pretend” to know how it feels, if that makes sense. But these people in therapy DO know how it feels. Although my actions and words now still don’t make sense to those that care about me, they DO care about me. I think online groups could be good for you. Articles I find and the people I find online that talk about grief do help but I’ve finally given in the towel, just now. Although I miss my son something awful, I can’t live my life lost. I’ve been crying out to God and I’m determined to seek therapy. My heart goes to you. Losing a child is… heartbreaking, unexplainable, exhausting and extremely painful. Good luck to you

Petra Hudson   April 9, 2022 at 9:13 pm Reply

Wow, you have certainly been a caretaker. So many women are caretakers. I was one too and it almost caused me to die. Always taking care of people. I wore myself out. It is now time for you to care for yourself- but how do I do that? Of course you feel lost. Your identity was wrapped up in the role of the caretaker. You are now in uncharted territory and it’s new. Caring for others is a full time job and very distracting of oneself and that means you. You are now going to need to find perhaps a hobby that you like or a grief counseling group or really something new that (you) like. It’s time to look at you and who do you want to be now? Caretaking can feel so purposeful like a rescuer so it can make you feel very needed and significant. Please look inside of you and see what an amazing person you are without the caretaking role. You are there. Just go a little deeper. She’s there. She needs to come out and play. Go easy and be kind to yourself. The answers will come. Step by step. Your are awakening to the NEW you.

Blue Doney (he/him)   June 25, 2022 at 10:20 pm Reply

Dear Petra,

I just read this insightful article by Litsa Williams, and then I found your comment. Honestly, it’s as if you were writing to me (except I’m a man who was the caregiver for my loved family member—that happens too). All the same, your understanding rang so true to me, and your advice feels like a big supportive hug to me. Thank you for sharing your own experience and wisdom for us all. 🙏

P.S.: I just reread what you wrote and found amazing consolation in these words of yours, “Please look inside of you and see what an amazing person you are without the caretaking role.” Thank you again

Petra Hudson   March 2, 2023 at 7:17 am

It’s so amazing that I just received an email now about your reply. How are you doing ? If I had received this sooner I would have replied sooner. So nice to hear from you ! 💖Petra

Eugenie   February 16, 2022 at 8:20 pm Reply

I lost my grandma exactly 2 months today. I am 19 and it is my first loss. I already didn’t know well who I was, and struggling finding my identity. I know today that my values revolve around others, That relationships are what makes a person alive. However, I am unable to apply that to my daytoday life. I am completely drowned in pain and I feel like every thought I may have is filtered rejoignez my pain. Resulting in profond disgust towards myself. If someone experienced that and would like to share with me how they found themself would mean a lot

Colleen F   March 8, 2022 at 5:43 pm Reply

I felt so alone till I read this … with tears in my eyes , I lost myself, I had cancer which put me in a vulnerable place , I was in ny youth , now I’m dealing with high rents and can’t afford them, I wouldn’t kill myself but it really hurts to feel so alone and too ashamed to tell or ask for help . I don’t drink or do drugs either. Just very very sad . I live in oshawa

Giannis   April 18, 2022 at 6:36 am Reply

lost my mother 3 years ago. red this article and helped a lot. its about a week now that i maybe started to enjoy going for coffee with friends. even though its difficult to laugh or make jokes anymore. i slowly begib to do some. and i slowly begin to live in the moment and not travelling in my thoughts about how disgusting person and shallow and hollow i am in my mind. i think im uncool and also that i am ashamed of myself all the time after my loss. slowly slowly now, after 3 years maybe i see a little light… only if i could find a girlfriend to share intimate moments and talk about my loss, maybe i would be better. but as afar as i meet people around i see they only want to have fun and nothing more nowadays… (went a year ago to a psychologist which also helped for the everyday tasks a little) . Anyway i hope time and hard work and luck will make us be good again. hope for you all the best

Nina   November 5, 2022 at 6:25 pm

Dear Giannis, I’m very sorry that you lost your mom. Two years and two months ago, I lost my beloved husband of 24 years, and I’m still completely heartbroken and devastated. Your post made me cry because it hit home. It’s true, I too feel ashamed! I feel ashamed to be such a sad, pitiful grieving person, because it’s exactly like you said, society expects people to be upbeat and fun, making you feel like an outcast when you’re not. So, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one going through this. Sending you a hug, Nina

Susan   February 2, 2022 at 8:14 am Reply

Lost my identity describes me. My husband passed 9/29/2021. Every first has been emotionally painful. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday and now I face Valentine’s Day. 44 years of marriage. A tragic ending leaves me not knowing who I am, my purpose, my future, my plan……it was as if the article was written about me. Each day is no better than the first. More and more stresses get added to my plate and I feel like I haven’t even processed through the grief that 9/29 brought to me. I’ve lost everything, including myself.

GaleG   October 31, 2022 at 11:17 pm Reply

Susan: Your story is as if I had written it myself. My husband died tragically on 10/15/21; we were married for 43 years, and I’m not happy with this sudden change in my life. I have a lot of out-of-body experiences whereby I look at myself as an observer and, frankly, I don’t know who I am. With that said, I decided I couldn’t keep going on this path and began volunteering at a local used book store. I love books and the distraction of discovering copious amounts of new reading material has really helped me to become “unstuck.” I’ve also met quite a lot of new friends who have exposed me to new interests, for which I’m grateful. These new experiences will never replace the treasured times my husband and I spent together, but I’ve found that making small changes and focusing our talents outside of ourselves paradoxically give one a new sense of meaningful identity. I hope since you wrote this, you’ve been able to find yourself. God bless.

Nina   November 5, 2022 at 6:35 pm Reply

Dear Susan, I’m very sorry that you lost your husband. What you describe is exactly where I’m at, only for me it’s been more than two years. My husband passed on August 22, 2020 and my world ended that day. I truly feel like I died with him. He was the light of my life, I didn’t even fully realize until he was gone that my happiness depended entirely on him. He was my love, my best friend, and my home. I feel homeless without him and I just yearn to be reunited with him. I’ve had a year of grief counseling, followed by a year of therapy for PTSD and prolonged grief. Not to much avail. Anyway, just wanted to say I know how you feel and I wish you all the best! Nina

Gabrielle   January 25, 2022 at 9:52 am Reply

I write today because everything has gone wrong since my husband died. I find myself in a mess around the house and with financial affairs. Today I got angry because of a person at the library failing to photocopy a document propertly. When I got home the original document was missing also. When I got in touch she said she would post it on. I didn’t get it and she is off sick. Covid has caused havoc with every organisation I deal with. Nobody seems to be able to do the job they are hired for. The Librarian said she could see how frustrated I was at missing this deadline through her colleagues inefficiency but I was targetting the wrong person. I agreed and apologised but I was at the end of my tether. It was not like me she said, you have never been the same since you lost your husband. That was 4 years ago, then I lost my oldest and closest friend, then my sister. My husband’s cousin was a huge help to me after Leslie died. Her voice and her attitude was always upbeat even though she was suffering a longterm illness. We both enjoyed the same hobbies and loved cats and volunteered in animal shelters. Then during Covid she died because her conditioned worsened and couldn’t get a diagnosed of treatment for her pain. Then she died of an undiagnosed cancer. I do know that age is against us. I am now 80 but I understand what the librarian said. I am not the same person. I actually don’t know who I am. I have volunteered during Covid at the injection centre because I had the skills; I also taught a young friend when the schools were shut down. I have energy and skills even at this age but there is little outlet. I am just not who I once was and don’t know what to do. I live in a isolated country place. I love my garden and in Summer I can get some resemblance of my former selve. When I am indoors, however, I just wander about drinking coffee. I need to dispose of my sister’s belongings so my house is cluttered and I don’t seem to have the mental energy to sort it and dispose of it. My husband would not recognise me. We made a great partnership and had an exciting life. I don’t recognise myself.

Deanna   January 16, 2022 at 8:12 am Reply

I found this post as a result of realizing I don’t tolerate change anymore. I also feel I have the ability to understand others grief/pain but no tolerance for day to day chatter. My adult son died 2years ago next month of cancer. We knew about the cancer for 19 months before he died. Everything was put on hold when Joshua got sick. I am definitely different from who I was.

Lee   April 30, 2022 at 4:34 pm Reply

Deanna, I’m so sorry at the loss of your son. We lost our son to cancer, as well, after about the game length of ilness. I share the feelings you expressed, and am struggling to figure out who I am now. I guess we just need to allow ourselves some grace — there was no way to prepare for or prevent what happened, and only people who have gone through this could begin to understand.

D   May 1, 2022 at 11:59 am

Lee, I so appreciate your acknowledgement. Sometimes just hearing, ” yeah, me too.” ,is so comforting. I agree that His grace is sufficient. I will pray for you.

Phyllis Genauer   January 1, 2022 at 11:49 am Reply

I used to be me. After my husband died a few months ago I don’t know where I went. I don’t recognize who I am. We were a team. He was the love of my life for 43 years. We weathered my daughter’s suicide 9 years ago and my other daughter’s breast cancer twice. We comforted each other so many times. We loved our pets and cried when they died. Cancer hit him 3 times over the years. The skin cancer when he was young was removed, the prostate cancer gone, but the lung cancer killed him in the end. Yes he smoked a lot over the years. He loved being in the Navy and most of his Navy pals smoked in those days too. He quit cold turkey in 1982 and I stopped in 1986. Living without him is hell. He was my guide, my comfort, my everything. He never wanted to go to college yet he was the smartest person I knew. He stood by me when I returned to college to get a degree. In fact he was the one who helped me get an A in Chemistry! He was the social one in our relationship and had such a great sense of humor. He was sensitive and cried more than I did when we watched movies. He died at home and I was his caretaker. He wanted to be home always and not anywhere else. The oncologist told me he had 8-10 months to live. He told me this as I was driving. My husband never made 10 months. It was more like 7. I was in deniable up until the end. I fooled myself into believing I could make him live longer. He enjoyed the visiting nurses that came to monitor him in palliative care 3 times a week. He joked with them and I baked his favorite cookies which he insisted to share with the nurses. He wasn’t supposed to die that fast I told myself. He was on hospice less than 2 weeks at the end. I kept postponing his death. I lost whatever little religion I had. When does the crying stop?

susan   February 26, 2022 at 9:28 am Reply

Found this site by accident and your comments are exactly how I feel. I knew my husband for 56 years and married 53 of them, so I am finding it very hard. I do not know many people locally and no family to talk of, so don’t really know what to do with myself. The people I do talk to and mix with think I am coping well and I say I don’t mind being on my own, but it is not true and all the people I have met over the last 2 months don’t have much in common with me. My husband and myself knew each other well and had similar thoughts and interests. Oh well I have my cats and my garden, but nobody to share my thoughts about the World and all that is going on and the ‘oh I know what we will do’ etc has gone from my life. I guess at nearly 75 it will mostly stay like this now. We had a son but he distanced himself and moved to Australia and we had little contact with him over the last 24 years and He wasn’t that interested when I told him his father had died. I suppose it could be worse I am not too bad for money, but money isn’t everything.

Sylvia   May 4, 2022 at 2:27 am

Hullo Susan, Your story is really a replica of mine in so many of the statements you have made. I have tried to meet people for companionship but like you have little in common with them. My husband passed 11 years ago after 43 years of marriage but we were together for 46 years altogether. Unfortunately we had no children and having immigrated to Australia we really felt cut off and didn’t manage to forge the relationships that having children can bring into your life. I am sorry your son was so disinterested about the loss of his father. I have little contact beyond Christmas cards from in-laws living overseas. I’ve tried to encourage correspondence without result. I will be 75 in December and share your thoughts on how my life will proceed and how to make things better. I wish I could say something more positive, well there one thing I envy you having cats they have provided great joy in my life but I am not allowed to keep animals in my current accommodation.

Michelle   April 16, 2022 at 5:00 am Reply

I lost my husband to an aneurysm right after we turned 40.. 10/2020. I saw him at 3 and found him at 5…we had 17 yrs. There were no signs no warning and so the trauma was great…. I do understand the pain and the constant feeling of being lost…. Like a buoy just floating off… detached from the most wonderful anchor. My husband was my best friend as well. You are not alone, everything u feel is normal. Just never think your feelings are wrong. We all want the people around us to see us as “okay” but sometimes we just aren’t and they won’t know unless u express that. Much love to u….. Please keep reaching out… keep talking about him…. Sometimes talking makes us feel better. Hugs.

Hazel Thurogood-Spencer   December 26, 2021 at 6:06 pm Reply

I lost my father at the age of 23, two years ago now. It came as a shock and his last two months were spent making his time as comfortable as possible. He had pancreatic cancer. The will brought more heartache but that’s not important. Since his passing, I’ve progressively disconnected myself from who I thought I was – my fathers business partner, daughter, making money, material possessions. A spiritual awakening came upon me and I started living more intentionally. I’ve recently moved out of the town I’ve lived in for 11 years and now considering selling the car I’ve invested in for 6 years. It’s strange to not feel related to the things I once enjoyed. I remember the feeling of having to teach myself that my father is no longer here, despite being there for his death. Reminding myself that life is different now. It’s been nice to hear that losing your identity after loss is a thing.

Diana   December 1, 2021 at 10:57 pm Reply

I really need help! My grief is beyond bearable. My husband of 19 years passed of cancer just 3 months after the doctors gave him a clean bill of health after many months of heavy chemo. He, out of nowhere could not see out of one eye so we rushed to the emergency ward only to find out hours later of waiting in er that he had massive brain tumors and lesions that were inoperable with a life expectancy of 2 maybe 3 months. This was all told to us by the er doctor with ZERO bedside manner. Anyway all that happened afterwards is a nightmare of blurs. He is gone. I say he is gone but really he is dead. NEVER coming back EVER again. He died 3 months ago. I cannot function. I cannot breath. I am hollow. Will this pain ever stop?

Litsa   January 23, 2022 at 9:12 pm Reply

I am so incredibly sorry, Diane. The relief around his clean bill of health followed by the shock of his death must have been devastating. Though there will always be pain, you will become stronger and better able to cope with it and carry it. 3 months is such a short time. Have you considered a group for other widows or speaking with a counselor? Both can be a big support.

Marj   October 28, 2021 at 10:41 am Reply

I’m finding such a hard time finding sense of purpose these days. My only child died this past summer. She was 16 and had been fighting cancer for 15 years of her life, so basically her whole life. My rôles as mother and caregiver occupied all my time and of course almost of my heart ( I say almost all of my heart because I am married). Now that she is gone I am really struggling with « who am I now? » and also « what do I do now? ». The last few lines of this post are something I need to look more closely at, the pieces of self that are built on things that came before. Easier said than done. My grief is fresh, I see her friends in their final year of high school, alive and vibrant, friends have gone back to their normal and of course the world is slowly reopening after almost 2 years. Any helpful hints?

Pam   October 11, 2021 at 10:00 pm Reply

I most identify as an outlook griever. I’ve been searching for answers and that resonates the most. I’ve lost it all over and over throughout the years, like homes, lived in poverty, lost my horses, etc. My kids grew up, and that is a loss too. My husband is a chronic complainer. Today, I don’t know how to move forward or make connections anymore. I am the peacemaker, and am grateful for what I have. Nobody would ever guess that in my heart, I’m filled with grief and questions about how to recreate myself again.

Rae Fox   October 18, 2021 at 12:34 pm Reply

Hi I know exactly how you feel I list my closest friend in the world & my old horse & my husband is cold & callous doesn’t care if it’s not about him it’s not important . I know now the marriage is over my heart is broken I always had a naive hope he might change but I know he can’t it’s not in him & I don’t know who I am or what to do it’s all too much to bear

Lora   March 30, 2022 at 4:35 am Reply

I understand so much of what u r feeling. I look for answers everyday. I have lost my mom, dad, brothers, sister, best friend. I was a caregiver for my brother before he passed. I feel very disconnected to people, family and life. My health is not great. I struggle everyday getting up for work but I get up. It’s like I miss my family that is in heaven and feel like my kids and their families wouldn’t miss me if I was gone from earth. Don’t know how to find who I am

Joann Gould   July 23, 2021 at 7:14 am Reply

was married 57 plus years he passed 10 months ago have not alot of extened family any more and he had alot of neices and nephews but i dont feel part of his family any more i know he wouldnt want that and i will always keep his name am i wrong for that

Anthea   July 30, 2021 at 12:48 am Reply

You’re not wrong at all. I’m sure his family would love to share memories with you. Hope you are OK xx

Alplily   June 26, 2021 at 7:41 pm Reply

It may sound strange to some of you, but I am struggling with the loss of my beloved horse. We had a deep bond. I am single, no kids, 55. Being a horsewoman was a huge part of my life… for years. So it leaves a void of friendship and companionship, a loss of sense of purpose, a loss of that kind of exercise, activities and adventure, etc., etc., I spent most of my free time with him. And yes, I loved being a horsewoman and have lost that core part of my identity. I will eventually find something to fill the void, but now I am just devastated. No, another horse is not in the financial cards, and nor would I want one – he was a once-in-a-lifetime horse. People try to help by saying I should just get another horse – no one would say just go out and get another husband/wife/partner, etc. Also, I am deeply sorry for everyone’s losses here… Thank you for sharing your stories.

Tracey   August 10, 2021 at 10:05 am Reply

I am so sorry for your loss. Horses, like all animals, are beautiful, intelligent, and empathic creatures. Your horse was a HUGE part of your life. He depended on you as much as you relied on him..You both brought each other life, love, and joy. Allow yourself this time to grieve. It is well needed. Do not dismiss it or stuff it down. Allow yourself to cry and feel it. Your horse was well-loved and cared for, and is now in a peaceful place.

Pam   October 11, 2021 at 10:02 pm Reply

I cannot understand your particular loss, but I do understand losing a lifestyle with horses, when they are part of our identities. I am so sorry and hope you find the answers you need as well to move forward.

J P   October 17, 2021 at 6:49 pm Reply

Dear Alplily, Take time to remember your beloved pet. And know those who think they have an out for grief haven’t really been in it. Find simple ways to honor your memories, take a walk where you would ride…and be kind to yourself. This path isn’t an easy one. Thinking of you

Lakisha Childs   December 26, 2021 at 1:33 am

I lost my 24 yr old son in a tragic auto accident. Oct 9th 2021 and I feel that my soul died when he died. And I know most will not understand the pain I’m going through, So I isolate myself most of the time. My son was one of the most beautiful souls you only meet once in a lifetime. And my son and I had a very strong bond., He wasn’t only my son he was my best friend. And I still ask why! My son was an extremely amazing person. He would give the shirt off his back. And when he was growing up he was such a good kid 😢 never gave me any trouble. And as he grew into adult he even became more of an amazing person. And I struggle why some one like him had to be killed. And I would give my own life for him to live his whole life. And I don’t want to live on this earth without him. And I don’t feel connected to this world anymore.

Gabrielle   January 25, 2022 at 10:03 am Reply

It doesn’t seem strange at all. Even though I have said in a previous post how I am grieving multiple losses of humans, my husband and I grieved for the loss of our pets. We loved them and they filled your life with purpose. Your horse would be the one you looked at and thought shared your inner self. He would have given you the purpose that made you get out of bed when you didn’t want to face the day, and greeted you with thanks for your commitment. There will be, I understand an enormous hole which was just his and he is still there, though you can’t interact with him now. My fondest wishes.

Sarah   June 11, 2021 at 2:51 am Reply

Its been a year since my mum died and I don’t feel like myself at all. I was her carer for 12 years after she had a brain haemorrhage and she was doing well after she had a shunt fitted. She started to walk but needed a wheelchair for shopping. I would take her out for lunches, we would go shopping and chat for hours.

She then died unexpectedly a year ago and I am lost without her. I feel like I am not myself. I don’t know who I am anymore? I suffer with social anxiety and ocd so my world is pretty small.

My identity has gone and I miss the person I was and the life I had. The only respite I get is when I’m asleep.

Karen L Erdmann   April 27, 2021 at 10:38 am Reply

I had two heart attacks and a stroke in September of 2020 and am 7 months past and working at recovering my health. It will be a process. In that space of time my husband has gone from mild dementia to moderate/severe dementia and I am now his full time caregiver. He does not know me any longer as his wife. He believes I am a care worker and he speaks of his wife as in the past. Strangely though, he wanders to look for her. I am here. I am always here and yet I have to be very careful about representing myself as his wife as that makes him paranoid and angry. I realize that I am now living in my home without my identity and this is an odd and painful dynamic. I deeply miss being myself in my home and hardly know how to be another person here. The former self does not exist in the home. That is my process right now.

Anthea   July 30, 2021 at 12:53 am Reply

That is an extremely difficult situation to be in, and I hope you are doing OK. If you’re not speaking to a counsellor or at least a friend, I would recommend that. Stay well xx

Parsa   August 27, 2021 at 11:22 pm Reply

Ever since I entered my 30s my friends began to move on with their lives, my mom and dad divorced, and I became total strangers with the members of my own family when my siblings moved out and we all went out seperate ways. I often feel a great deal of emptiness and sadness inside me as though there is no hope for joy. I miss the connection I felt with my friends when we all got together and confying in them. I miss joking with my own mom like she was one of my own friends. It is a truly and deeply a sad feeling because I can feel what it felt before while knowing it’s not like it was and the contradiction between these two “realities”is where it hurts the most. It’s kinda like having hosted a party and remembering how amazing it was and how much fun you had the night before as you look at the chairs of the guests where they sat and their empty cups.

Selma Albee   October 29, 2021 at 1:10 pm Reply

Dear Karen,

I am sorry for what you are going through and hope your health continues to improve. I lost my sweet husband in September 2020 and was his caregiver. The last 3 months with dementia and he didn’t know me most of the time. I know how painful and frightening and frustrating it is living with someone with dementia. I know how helpless and confused you can feel too. I found information about a woman named Teepa Snow who offers many YouTube videos and a lot of other resources to help at home caregivers. With her incredible insight and knowledge I found a lifeline. Please look for her website and videos. She helped me learn how to help my husband while also caring for myself. I will always be grateful for that. Best wishes going forward

d   April 22, 2021 at 1:40 pm Reply

i lost my mental health after a breakdown…. forced to leave a marriage after my husbands abuse and gaslighting intensified within that year and after … sold many of my beloved animals so i could leave.. lost my own self respect running from and numbing the pain…. lost both of my elderly parents in the following year while helping to care for them.. lost siblings due to their greed and gaslighting because i was left my parents home that they knew was in my name for years…. lost the closeness and respect i once had with my adult children … lost 3 of my pets due to old age .. lost/disconnected from my one friend after realizing wasnt a true friend afterall… loss of financial security in the divorce.. . loss of self identity.. loss of what i thought my future would be and family and shared hopes and dreams. all of it gone. all of it and more. no longer a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, friend. there is no one to lean on. i dont feel strong enough

Danielle   March 12, 2021 at 5:56 am Reply

My dad passed away suddenly almost 3 years ago and I have not been the same since. I’m grieving my dad, but I’m also grieving myself, well the person I was before.I wish I could be her again. I have 2 beautiful young girls and an amazing husband who has supported me, and still I sit here hating life and hating how I feel, Everyday is hard, I’m always tired, I comfort eat, I’ve lost the ability to socialise, I’ve lost the want to do anything. I’ve just lost myself Danielle x

Ratu Alia   March 7, 2021 at 10:01 pm Reply

Thank you for motivating me and this is what makes me feel better.

Dollie   February 22, 2021 at 11:01 am Reply

Thank you. I certainly had an identity crisis after the loss of my husband. It took me years to find myself and reinvent myself. I am now more confident and stronger than I’ve ever been.

Carolyn Laney   March 21, 2022 at 2:49 pm Reply

Thank you for posting your encouragement for me and others who are struggling with self-confidence and loss of identity. You said “years” that gives me hope that after 4+ years I will strive and achieve what you now have. I think that’s a milestone. Congratulations

Sarah   January 5, 2021 at 3:54 am Reply

I have lost all I loved most and all I believed. I have gone for help but have found the advice theoretical, not concrete. After 24 years of marriage, I lost my husband to divorce. My two children left to go work overseas and my youngest choose to live with my ex. My children and my relationship has lost its intimacy. We are distant strangers and they seem to blame me.

I lost my house and most of my belongings and will move into a tiny place soon with remnants of the past.

I have tried to find work for the last two years, but no doors open. I have done all I can but seem to be redundant. Upskilling hasn’t helped. I have nothing to do each day, am hurt by friends who left, don’t know who to trust and need to get work to sustain myself (besides the boredom). I don’t know where I belong or who I am, if who I was didn’t end up being good enough. The pain cuts. Yet I am told to choose joy – Few seem to get it. Looking for that glimmer of light. Been two years now and am so tired of disappointments. Where is hope? Loneliness is killing me. And if somebody sends me fridge magnet scriptures again, I will scream.

Nobody wants to be with me because I have lost my personality. How do I find it when I try my best, yet nothing changes. Am I meant to pretend each day?

Looking for good but can’t see it!

IsabelleS   January 5, 2021 at 12:38 pm Reply

Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I hear that you want to be happy and to see the good… but please know that it’s okay to go through rough periods. You’re managing so much right now! Sometimes it’s important to sit with our negative emotions, even though they feel uncomfortable. That being said, you can make changes in your life. Perhaps you should speak with a therapist, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ . All the best to you!

Lynn   January 12, 2021 at 10:50 am Reply

Sarah, I can feel your pain with what you write. I get it when you say you’re tired of theoretical responses and fridge magnets. It’s hard for anyone to respond with concrete action steps when we don’t know your entire situation. But I’ll give it a shot because if I posted something on this page I would want someone to respond with some ideas at least and not just “hang in there.”

You said upskilling did not work. Not sure what you meant but consider going to your local tech school or community college and apply for grants or other financial aid and get into a program which will get a job upon completion. Being gainfully employed can provide so much satisfaction and identity. Some in-demand professions that come to mind are surgical tech, LPN, or other medical related jobs that require generally one-year of education. Go for it!

The relationship identity that you lost is much harder. I feel like that may have to come secondary to finding a professional identity. Once you can stabilize yourself with employment, you may gain a sense of self in other areas which will lead to better relational identities.

Life can be so hard at times. Very best of luck to you!

Elise Williams   April 5, 2021 at 6:33 am Reply

Sarah- I really identify with your loss and am searching for my identity. It’s long gone. Thanks for staring it’s been 2 years because I’m experiencing the same timeframe. I didn’t go thru a divorce but I moved across country so I could help take care of my in-laws. I dropped everything – and it was a big loss. It has a been 2 years and I can’t recreate it. So anyways. Thanks for sharing and letting me know I’m not alone. I’m with ya on the spiritual magnets! 🤣 I need teal steps. I guess next steps for me are looking at my past “identities” by bucket (relationship, financial, physical, etc) and seeing where I am now and then taking two ideas: raising my standards to improve my identity and knowing that what I link pleasure to or link pain to shapes my decision making and my decision making shapes my destiny. These are Tony Robbins ideas. I am MORE than an in-debt, overweight, document formatter and errand girl (everything I was not, but now how it is). Good luck. Your identity and good fortune is out there. Your steps in searching for the new you will lead to you to something amazing. 💕

Cory Crompton   December 28, 2020 at 12:56 pm Reply

I am 32 and have lost my will to live. Like many others in these comments I have lost who I am. I am alone inside even when surrounded by family. I could explain what happened and why I feel like this, but why. I am here to explain I am lost, like many others comments I have read, there is a part of me that has disappeared, and I need to accept I won’t be that person, have those friends, relationships, jobs, or passion again. I don’t know how to move on. I am living with my sister, her husband and 3 kids. I am very grateful for this. But the guilt of sitting in this house, grieving my losses while my sister and brother in law work makes it hard to want to be here. I feel guilty to be alive. These losses we have all faced change us, they really do, they change us for the worse and we end up just existing in survival mode. How to move on, find employment, find a career, a significant other, a social structure, mental health stability, and a will to live, is too much. Taking each day individually is the only way. Just surviving

IsabelleS   December 28, 2020 at 1:11 pm Reply

Cory, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I wish I could do something to take even some of the pain away. Please know that, no matter what, you’re not alone. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/normal-or-no-so-normal-grief/ Given the nature of what you are feeling, I recommend you seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ . If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ You can also call 911 or go to the local emergency department. Although the support you find online can sometimes make a difference when you’re feeling distressed and emotional, the internet should never be anyone’s last line of defense. This is especially true if you have been having thoughts of suicide. Please be gentle with yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Melinda   December 14, 2020 at 6:31 pm Reply

I used to be the most important person in the world to three people. Now only my dog and my cat think that about me. Am I still a person who has worth and value in the world? I’m not sure. My children were supposed to grow up, move out, and not need me anymore. My beloved husband died 2-1/2 years ago of cancer that recurred one time too many. Most days I’m a functioning human, but every once in a while I feel completely lost. I’m only 57 and likely to live another 30 years–alone, lonely, and purposeless. I know we are not supposed to say these things. We are supposed to pretend to be as strong as it makes everybody else feel better to say we are. I think too many months of working remotely and social distancing instead of being part of any sort of community and family is making the loneliness even more intense than it was before.

IsabelleS   December 15, 2020 at 11:47 am Reply

Melinda, I’m so sorry for your loss and for everything you’re experiencing. I hope this article has shown you that feeling a loss of identity after the death of a loved one is completely normal and okay. Don’t think about what you’re “supposed” to do… Think about what you need, and allow yourself to feel what you feel. You may want to reach out to a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you!

[email protected]   December 2, 2020 at 9:38 pm Reply

I don’t know who I am but trying to create a new me. Hmmm..it’s like I’m a teenager trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up! It’s strange. I feel I’m all over the place. I hope I can figure myself out…It’s lonely without me here.

IsabelleS   December 3, 2020 at 12:03 pm Reply

Hi, I hope this article has shown you how normal it is to feel a loss of identity while grieving. “It’s lonely without me here” is such a beautiful way to describe it. I hope you find yourself. Until then, be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.

Tara M.   August 22, 2021 at 3:31 am

Hi everyone,

I do not know where to begin being 25.. But, over the last year and 7 months I had an injury that left me limp and overwhelmed physically. Being in so much pain caused me to take matters in my own hands. Leaving me with muscle spams, fatigue, and having a cold body with needle-point pains of numbness & tingleness. Having to be rushed to the E. R. while in the middle of completing finals week while I was in college brought a high-level of stress that I was not aware of bringing me panic attacks and anxiety!!! Here I was in a confused state, only to find out that my body was DEHYDRATED. Could not be. (I know I drink plently of water, so I have thought..) Later on, once my first results came in I found out that my potassium and magnesium levels were low. All this information became so interesting, who would’ve known???

My family and I decided to get a second opinion with our Family’s Doctor and waiting gave me a sense of hope to know that it could be more to my longing of waited answers. A month from now on Martin Luther King’s Holiday- Jan. 15, 2020 my life changed drastically. Receiving a new checkup and seeing what my blood tests, exams, and my overall health was like, during this whole process I learned that I’ve been through this before. Back then, I had to gain more electrolytes, stay hydrated, exercise for 30 mins.-1 hr daily or every other. IT NEVER OCCURED TO ME! After this day, speaking to the Doctor about the same factors, I had to wait a week for my rests to come in. When they finally did, I learned that I had a very low Vitamin-D deficiency count in which, I had to go on a Calciferol green capsule that only lasted me for 2 weeks. During this process I felt worse that when I got muscle spasms prior and my internal health was at stake. Something had to give I was losing all hope. Until I found out too, that I was diagnosed with Hypothyroisdism.

For those who have experience with an autoimmune disorder/thyroid issues. I had so much to process out mentally and change physically according to, my lifestyle choices. I was relieved, but emotionally distraught.

With almost two years in, my injury is not the most importance and I was able to get my Strength back to walk again, however I an having to maintain and balance my nutrition, movememnt, hydration/electrolytes, relaxation-mindful techniques, stress-behavior management, learning to journal helps a lot!, music, staying positive on honesty & truth, getting proper sleep, most of all, devoted to my faith & trust in Jesus Christ, God, and His Holy spirit. Having love, social support is vital. Also, getting out the house and DANCING IN THE SUN makes me happy! 🙂

I pray that each of you find ways to cope and comtinue to share your stories. Break the mold and stigma on not being vulnerable have a space or creative way to express the true realness of Grief and loss. How these effect our Identity.

Love and Blessings,

J P   October 17, 2021 at 7:06 pm Reply

I so, so relate. Here is to the new you and me we get to be.

Lynn Valaes   October 12, 2020 at 11:10 am Reply

This really resonated with me:

“your identity will never be what it was before the loss. Like so many things in grief, trying to go back to how things were before the loss just isn’t possible. Part of regaining a sense of self after the loss is accepting that identity is going to be different than it was before.”

This is the hardest part for me.

It is 11 months next week since my mom passed away suddenly. She was my best friend. It’s been a struggle… and then throw COVID on top of the fire….

I am a business owner and I had a HUGE passion for what I did at the time my mom passed. Now, I could care less. It’s like a part of me died when she died. 🙁

I have practically no interest in my business and feel like I am just floating around aimlessly.

I have done some therapy and that helped me quite a bit. I am still trying to have patience with myself and everything, but this lost feeling is scary – especially for someone like me who has been so driven and focused.

I miss the clarity I used to have. 🙁

IsabelleS   October 14, 2020 at 12:52 pm Reply

Lynn, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss and about the pain you are experiencing. As you have read in this article, what you are experiencing right now is so completely normal and valid. You will find yourself again, or at least a new version of yourself. My heart goes out to you.

David   May 28, 2021 at 7:36 pm Reply

Dearest Lynn, Im no writer but I feel for you. Please find a therapist and work through what your Mom wanted you to do once she was gone. Your life is important and you will find another path, some how some way. No it will not be as familiar but you can find joy again at times and then more joy as time moves forward. No it will not be the same joy but it’ll have to do. I too am a business owner and lost my entire family and the desire to succeed but I realized my family would not want that from me so I took to therapy. It is not the cure all but I guarantee it will help you find a path to take. I wish you well and may God be with you always.

Amerks96 96   October 4, 2020 at 10:07 pm Reply

I’m so lost since my mother died almost 2 years ago. She was my anchor, my rock, my support system. I was going to a grief support group. When COVID 19 started in March 2020 it stopped. I feel so empty inside. My cousins have deserted me. I’m all alone. Don’t know what to do.

IsabelleS   October 5, 2020 at 10:01 am Reply

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. I know it may not feel like it, but what you are going through–the emptiness and feelings of being alone–are normal and okay. I want you to know that, no matter what, you are not alone. This entire community is here to support you. That being said, it may be helpful to reach out to a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ . If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with at this very moment, please call the national suicide helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ . I hope this brings you some comfort.

Sandra   October 21, 2020 at 11:00 am

Sorry about the loss of your mother ?. I came across your post..I didn’t know what I was feeling & now I know. I feel just like you do. I lost my mom this February .My mom & I were so close❤Miss her so much! ?

Jillian Coleman   January 16, 2021 at 9:39 pm

I lost my Mom in July, while I was pregnant and was not able to grieve properly. Her death was unexpected amd I did not get to say goodbye. I am really struggling with grief, missing my Mom. I plan on starting grief counseling soon.

Isabelle Siegel   January 18, 2021 at 10:31 am

Jillian, I’m so sorry for your loss. The overwhelming grief you’re experiencing is completely normal and valid. I’m glad to hear that you are starting grief counseling soon… I hope it helps!

Nicolas Valdez   August 4, 2020 at 5:02 am Reply

I went from foster home to foster all the way up to 11 my mom finally got custody of us. We eventually slowly started to move to a more and more poor area as I grew up. My mom got tired of living in a bad area so she tried to move out. We ended up moving out the house before finding a new house.(I know kinda stupid) We went out to a different city into a shelter. I was in middle school graduating on to high school when I was in the shelter. I went to school a everyday and no one knew what I was going through and we didn’t even have a car. I would take busses everywhere and walk everywhere really tired. I was in the shelter for about 4 or 5 months until we finally found a house. Now that I got my house I found out one of my best friends passed away in a car accident. Couple of weeks later my aunty passed away from drugs so both of those deaths weren’t sitting well for me at all. All I could do is walk around late nights and listen to my music thinking about how much I hate my life and the world. I’m 15 years old now and I started becoming aware that I was trying to be someone I’m not because I felt like I lost my identity. I don’t know who I am anymore and sometimes people think I’m unstable but I’m not. I just want this feeling to end and I’m scared for my future.

Litsa   August 4, 2020 at 4:49 pm Reply

Nicholas. I am so sorry for all you are going through. That is a lot of loss in a short time. Please know that if there is one thing we can say about feelings, the best of them and the worst of them, is that they do end. When we’re in the worst of it we feel we won’t get to the other side, but we will and we do. I know this is going to sound really weird, but one of the normal stages of development between 13-17 is feeling like you identity isn’t fixed, or that it is unstable or changing. As we hit that age we start to be able to understand the world as an adult, instead of as a child, and it is very normal and common that identity can be all over the place – people feel different with family, with friends, different with different friends, etc. You have also had so much transition that it probably feels especially dramatic. Please know it will begin to settle out! Have you talked to anyone, like a counselor? It might help. If you contact your school they usually have a school counselor you can talk to and, if that person isn’t enough, they can usually connect you with someone more specialized.

Pri   June 13, 2020 at 10:10 am Reply

My mother died 12 years ago, my dad 9 years ago. I’ve lost other close relatives and some of my long term friendships coming to an end feels like a death on its own right. I have a brother who I was close to, well I tried to be but he just used me and never wanted me to be happy…or happier that him. Something not a soul knows is I was molested when I was a kid by my brother and some years later by my cousin. I had a million relationships and now I’m married with kids but I hate my life. I don’t need a doc to tell me I’m depressed and talking about it won’t make it go away. I always tell myself I was not made for this world because my happiness never last and I’m really lonely. I have a strong faith in Christ but I’m a terrible representation of what a Christian should be. You’d think you’d get use to the pain… the emotional generally turns into some physical pain. But it’s often so overwhelming and impossible. I look 15 years older than I am because the stress and sadness has just killed me or rather the attempt to fight it has. Today is definitely a low day but my toxic habits of having a good cry and just pretending like nothing happened will just continue probably til I die. *sigh FML. In all these years this is the first time I’ve googled how to survive trauma. That’s either really f’d up or progress. God only knows.

Char   May 21, 2020 at 8:45 pm Reply

I’m not good at explaining this but I’m an only child and my Dad committed suicide out of the blue 7 years ago, my dad was my hero. I’ve unfortunately watched a lot of close family die over the years but I haven’t been able to come to terms with his properly yet, I currently struggle with anxiety/depression myself. I have lost myself because I feel like by not knowing/being there to stop him that his death is my responsibility, I’m really struggling to cope with the everyday because I dont believe I am worthy of life because of this. I dont know who I am or how I get back to being a person. My self confidence is non-existent because I feel arrogant about being confident in myself because i feel like someone died because of me, how do i move on? I have an 8 year old autistic non-verbal son to improve myself for and i need help

GaryB   May 16, 2020 at 4:23 pm Reply

Coming up on 2 years on August 9th since I lost my wife to evil lung cancer and in essence my own life. I have no identity and no purpose -zest for life. I was just retired with her and was about to become the “greatest husband ever” in my mind. I was ready and able to give her everything the vacations we hardly took due to financial strain- the cruises- already bought our dream vacation home. Now it was payback time for all the love she gave me and my kids. Now that shes gone-so am I. I wake up watching day go into afternoon into night. I go through the motions and wear a mask at family events. I am the loneliest man alive. I have grandkids- but “thats nice” but I was never to be a substitute for my wife. She wanted to be the ultimate grandma and would have been. I was glad to be her sidekick-in the background as she would work her magic. She left me at 62 and I was 64. I only fear that my now lonely and miserable life of waiting could be a true horror based on what happened to my Mom. You see she lost my Dad only 1 year after he retired to their dream home in Florida. He worked all those years to get them there. They got there-got a year and at age 57 he was gone- She lived to 92! I dread the thought that this is what life now has in store for me. She too as well as I am a “one and done”-it was always that for me. I have zero interest in “the game” and in only 2 years I have gained 30 pounds and 15 years! I had been in great shape but then said “why bother now-because it was for my wife as much for me”. Now I look old and shameful and dont really give a crap. You see I left that “game” when we got her diagnosis-it was all over at that point.

Lynlee   November 19, 2020 at 10:52 pm Reply

Just read your post. I know exactly how you feel. Lost my husband 7 weeks ago. I just don’t care about anything anymore. You are lucky to have your grandchildren though. I think my grandson might be the only thing to make me feel a little better but my daughter won’t let me see him. I have no idea why. I hope you and I feel better someday. Each day I hate waking up and facing another day without my dear husband. Like you , I have given up exercise, haven’t had my hair done. Have had maybe 3 showers in last 7 weeks. Have gained probably 15 pounds. And I could care less….just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel. 😥

Coleen   May 11, 2020 at 2:23 am Reply

Hi. I’m currently 25 years old. i came across this quote somewhere that says ” the downside of childhood is that you don’t have to understand things to feel them. by the time your mind is able to comprehend, the cut is already too deep.” many bad things happened when i was still growing up and i just realized recently why did i not fight back? why didn’t i rebel? why did i understand my parents, why am i the one to take care of them when they are the one whose supposed to take care of me? i dont how it started but after graduating high school then got myself into college i was already feeling lost those five years in college seems like a big blur to me. everytime i looked at my photos im always surprised about the way i smiled in those photos seems like a whole different person. i always tried to reconnect with who i am in the past. but it never works. now im easily angered over simple things especially when my father and mother talks to me. after yelling at my mother im washed over by regret instantly because i know its not my mothers fault but i cant help but get angry anyway i feel like a teenager actually. im really close with my mother in the past but right now our relationship just involves me yelling at her. when i look into the mirror i just dont know myself anymore, i always ask myself if there is still a point on being alive? i did try to kill myself but the only hope that i cling on is that at the very end im gonna die anyway. i miss myself. i dont know how to move forward. im angry at everyone including myself. i just dont know who i am anymore.

Matthew Hanacek   August 17, 2020 at 5:28 pm Reply

Reading about your journey and the pain you’ve experienced makes my heart feel heavy for you and I’m sorry for all you’ve gone through. I’m 24 and I came home after my freshman year of college due to financial reasons, and I experienced a very similar loose of identity. How you described looking at old photos of yourself and wondering how you smiled like you used to, I’ve had those same moments. I became very isolated, while finishing out my college years at home. We lost family, tragic death, lost both my dogs, and by the time I graduated I felt so broken, lost, and like I didn’t know myself anymore. To avoid going on and on, I just wanted to say I have felt those same feelings, I’ve had friends and family tell me I don’t have that same positive spark, and I really miss how I used to be. Knowing someone else has felt this makes me feel less lonely, and hopefully you too, and I really hope you find yourself again. I hope these moments of confusion and lose, bring us back to clarity and confidence in who we are. You’re not alone and thank you for being willing to share, I really wish you the best.

Rebecca   March 1, 2020 at 12:12 am Reply

I’ve lost a baby a partner a sister a father a close friend,. I don’t think you ever quite recover.Its like a re occurring scab . That every now and then it rears up again. .Ive cried multiple tears.Ive exercised I’ve meditated, Id get busy so as to not think.I now avoid getting close to any one. I avoid touch. I can’t remember the last time I hugged my kids,Have tried to find my happy place on the water ,hands in the soil.Connect with nature, there are the odd moments of pure joy! When I’ve achieved something I thought I never could.My idently im not sure who I am any more, the loved ones I connected with the most have gone!!!gone!!Grief is definitley a bumpy road to negoiate, I often wish I could have them all back!!!!

Kaylee   April 7, 2020 at 1:40 am Reply

Thanks you for sharing. I Have some of the same experiences. I haven’t got close to anyone in years and I’m so scared to let anyone back in. It’s not living.

Shanna   February 13, 2020 at 12:46 pm Reply

I can completely identify with this article. My husband of 18 years left me, asked for a divorce 10 days later, then I was let go from my job 2 days later (besides the fact he made 3 times more than I did so I lost the financial stability), then my ex got the house cuz I had no income to pay the mortgage, my ex got all 5 dogs cuz I had nowhere to put even one, then I found out my ex had left me for my friend who was 20 years younger than him, then I totalled my car. So I have been dealing with a lot of loss, not death but still loss. It hurts and scares me. I don’t know how I can be ok again, i feel like if I get comfortable with my life I will lose everything again!

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Ana   February 2, 2020 at 6:26 pm Reply

God bless you all x . I found this incredible article and all your stories after Googling, grief I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m a 39 yr old single mother of two great kids, whom I had left their Dad 12 years ago due to family violence. My mother/best friend/confidante, died in Nov last year – 5 months after a cancer diagnosis. My father died 13 years ago. I cared for my mother, right up til her last breath. I feel like I’m stuck in time, unable to move forward as everything carries on around me. The empty, gaping whole in my heart stops me in my tracks. I feel empty, lost, unsure, lonely, tired, unmotivated. I give everything to my amazing kids, but when it is just me – I literally do not know what to do. I dread going back to work, I feel vulnerable. Family connections are just not the same anymore. Thank you for sharing you heart on here.

Joie De winter   January 13, 2020 at 8:07 pm Reply

Wow, I came on here looking for support or insight about how to cope with loosing my mum a month ago. But reading your comments I count my blessings. I really feel for you. Those who lost people to suicide and tragic accidents or desease.

All I can say is we have to find our way in good time. If I can be a tiny candle in those dark nights, I’d say love is forever us, life is forever love. Nothing can be changed or brought back. And big shift will happen.

Maybe it’s coming to understand that even though they have gone in the physical they are never gone. They go into energy, and are with you in more peace I believe.

The struggle if being alone is tough. It helped me to refocus on what I do have, return to gratitude if it’s possible. We are never alone.

My mother has left if cancer. Totally emotional exhaustion, hard protection, I closed down. But I have friends, strangers, music, trees, nature, animals. I believe in serving we come back to love slowly. We are someone, with a big heart. We are the only ones that can open that heart.

I guess at some point we got to come back to beauty, trust and enjoyment as much as we can. Start small with little new activitivities, groups. I do shaking practice in Bali with ratu bagus, this changed my life.

Viviane   January 9, 2020 at 11:51 pm Reply

My husband of 12 years and father of my two girls now 10 and 8 yrs old lost his battle against mental health problems and decided to end his life a year and a half ago. I have been through so many ups and downs trying to stay positive and raising my girls but sometimes it is just too much to bear. Last night as I struggled with unsettling emotions I did not know what was going on inside me that was when I googled ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’ and found this article which I believe opened my eyes to what I am feeling now. I feel like I am riding an endless roller coaster of emotions and I am so tired to be strong all the time. I am originally from Brazil. I lost my father 9 yrs ago and my mother 4 yrs ago both were devastating losses to me as well. I have been coping in different ways, I dance in a semi professional group, I meditate , about everything to keep my head above water but I know I am facing about ALL of these identities issues. It seems like this article was written for me , I feel just like that broken inside. I have moments of happiness with my daughters and I try to be positive but I don’t really know who I am anymore and I am desperate to find myself again. I had to quit my job to take care of my husband and now I feel I have no identity. I am glad I found the courage to write this comment and I am grateful for this article it opened my eyes to a serious personal problem I need to address to feel whole again. There were way too many losses in my life and I need to try to put my pieces together and find out who I have become, what is my identity now. I have hope I can do it. I believe in myself even though I am not sure who that person is now. Thank you for each and everyone of you who opened your hearts and shared your experience . I read all the comments and replies to comments and I feel so inspired by your courage to share . God bless you all.

Rish   January 3, 2020 at 6:20 am Reply

Thank u for this article. It has helped me in my recovery. I lost my job of 22 years in 2017 then I lost my husband in 2018 and I felt unable to continue beyond caring for my 2 sons. I was already in a 12 step program and this had helped me tremendously in my recovery and healing. I feel it’s time for restoration. The God of my understanding has been an amazing source of peace, serenity and acceptance.

Tj Sheppard   January 2, 2020 at 3:59 am Reply

In September, I met a girl through one of my friends. At first I thought me and her wouldn’t really talk and I’d have no interest in her and she’d have none in me. I was very wrong. In no time we ended up messaging each other almost every single day. I started to develop feelings for her and I confessed it to her. She had feelings for me too. We were together for a little but one day she realized that she was just needy and wanted someone. She was also going through a lot so she asked to be friends because she didn’t want a relationship with anyone. I respected it at first but I another friend misinformed me that she left me for someone else. I felt hurt, betrayed, used. I spiraled. I tried to kill myself. I almost lost my friends and her. Completely. A month and a half later we start talking again and all my friends forgave me. She’s moved on to a good guy who makes her happy but there’s a little part of me that wants her back so badly. She’s my best friend now and I’m willing to let the part of me that wants her, that aches for her go. I am lost, I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I can’t feel anyone’s love for me. Not from my friends or family. Somedays I want to leave, never look back and start over. I don’t though because I know someday I’ll find myself again. I know I’ll feel again. I know I’ll be okay

henry russell   December 24, 2019 at 1:05 pm Reply

My Son, Jake was kill this year April 16th in an ATV accident while our family was vacationing in Mexico. He was only 14.5 years old and I miss him so very, very much. I have so much guilt surrounding his death, I find it hard to get up each day and function in this world. I sat next to Jake in the razor 4 wheeler when he was killed. I let him drive, we were only going 10-15 mph in the sand. I honestly still don’t clearly understand how this happened. I wish the Lord would have taken us both at the same time. My identity is blurred and I’m lost. He was my only Son and my little Prince meant the world to me, but now he’s gone. Never to be here hug, to laugh, to joke, to grow and graduate from high school. This is not the natural order of things and I can’t seem to bear it.

I’m a lost Father………………..

Randy Jefferson   February 22, 2020 at 11:26 pm Reply

Mr Russell my name is Randy I lost my son Nov 1st 2019. He was my best friend my everything. My wife and I are struggling with this. I feel your pain and if your like us we would give our life to bring him back. I feel angry,sad and lost at the same time. We have other kids but he was the baby, yes 18 is a man but our baby. I don’t want to be here without him but don’t want to hurt my other kids bye being selfish doing something to myself. It’s not supposed to happen in this order, parents should go first. I don’t know if I can or can’t help u but I can try if u need me. U might can help me or we both might stay lost. Everyone thinks or at least acts like we should be over this bye now and all better. We will never be over it or be better, we might figure out how to deal with it idk. I’m just lost

Ben   April 6, 2020 at 8:36 am Reply

I’m so deeply sorry for your loss if your one and only son. I sincerely hope that other people either come into or grow more into your life. People or a person that can sit with you and your pain for as long as you need. Such a person won’t take away your pain but you won’t carry the pain all by yourself – the awful loneliness of grief that it s never shared. Wishing the best from my heart.

Dale   December 20, 2019 at 4:56 am Reply

I too am suffering with tremendous loss of identity and I don’t see a way out of this deep black hole. I’m alone. I’m an only child. My elderly father lives in another city and suffers from Alzheimer’s so he doesn’t remember my mother (his first wife) or my childhood or much of anything. My only child moved out early this year when she finished school and got a permanent job. My mother passed away this spring also in another city. My husband of 43 years suddenly left me this summer after I caught him in an affair with a young stripper/addict. He had been involved with her for years but had always denied it was illicit and made excuses and blamed me for complaining. I was dealing with my own medical issues, working very hard at my job all week, taking care of our house and dog and my mother and then her estate matters on weekends with no help at all from him. My attempts to communicate with him, do activities together – even share meals together were rebuffed without explanation. When he left I also lost most of our household income and half of everything we built together (I’ve been working full-time for over 40 years without a break, paying the bills and trying to save because I hardly have any pension of my own). Even though I now know he was leading a double life : lying, cheating and stealing (buying his girlfriend whatever she wanted, devoting all of his time and energy to her), his entire family has also abandoned me without a word – as if I had chosen this disaster. He has not apologized or expressed any regrets and neither have they – even though I was a member of their family since the age of 15. I don’t know how I will manage to keep my home where I have lived for 30 years, and now I won’t be able to retire for many years – which will be difficult given my age and health. Everything we enjoyed together is gone – every memory and souvenir is tainted, every song is too painful to hear and every photograph too shocking to look at now. All that I expected we would do together in the future : holidays and hobbies and vacations and retirement, special occasions with our daughter and future grandchildren – is gone. Permanent damage caused by Accutane years ago cost me all my beautiful hair, and this is another loss of identity, which prevents me from even thinking of finding someone new one day. Until I found out about him and the stripper, despite my physical appearance I still felt valued and wanted and secure because my husband was still saying he loved me and only me and that he wanted to be together forever. His choice to leave me for some much younger woman with large plastic parts who exchanges sex acts for money clearly demonstrates that the stripper’s looks were more important to him than my love, loyalty, our family, home, marriage vows, or four decades of shared history and hard work to build a life. I’ve lost faith in people (men who cheat, women who cheat with them) and I’ve lost hope for myself. Who am I now and what is there to look forward to except getting older, sicker, poorer and living alone? I’m in mourning for the person I loved and lived with and respected and completely trusted my whole life – the person who inhabits his body now is nothing but a cold blooded reptile with no soul and no morals or memory and someone who doesn’t care if I live or die. If I didn’t have my daughter, I wouldn’t want to go on at all.

Emily Clarke   December 10, 2019 at 12:04 pm Reply

This article has opened a window to healing for me. My husband and I have been trying to have children for over ten years. W e have been tested- (re-tested), talked to multiple experts/doctors, I’ve had two surgeries- with a final conclusion of unexplained infertility. In 2014 I got pregnant for ten weeks – lost the baby to miscarriage. This was the longest I had ever been pregnant. The initial grief was immediate, primal and confusing. Perhaps, due to a lack of coping skills – I “coped” by burying myself if work, life/distractions- continued to “have hope you will be able to get pregnant again”. There was 2 other miscarriages that occurred after 2014 , both very very early on in the pregnancy. I was numb at this point- clinical. I continued to distract myself with work as a nurse and even decided to return to school to work on my masters. Which brings me to today. After years of waking up at 3 am with panic attacks/anxiety, fighting to maintain the facade I have been presenting to the world that I “have it under control”, I decided to seek professional help. Even three weeks into therapy I was still trying to convince myself I had accepted the loss of fertility but in reality I don’t think I ever even had allowed myself to fully grieve. This article with all the responding comments has been a lifesaver. Life will never be the same but I can hope for clarity and peace of mind to continue to evolve and cope with the challenges life has presented. Thank you all!

Sarah   November 24, 2019 at 10:43 am Reply

About a year after my marriage ended, my son died. He had struggled with congenital heart disease and a host of other issues his entire 17 years. It’s been three months. I don’t see a future for me. I was his mother and caretaker. I was someone’s wife. I’m nothing now. A shell. I look ahead and ask how am I to endure another 30, 40, even 50 years of existing on this planet. There’s no point, because that’s it. I just exist.

Steven king   November 29, 2019 at 6:58 pm Reply

I understand what your going through I lost my wife of 32 years I’m just exsisting I wish I would not wake up.

Crushed To The Bone   November 20, 2019 at 8:40 pm Reply

We got home from the grocery store. I walked around, opened her door and she got out. I took one look at her in the sunlight and told her to get back in the car. “Babydoll, you’re yellow and we’re going to the hospital.”

Two weeks later I watched her die in the hospital.

30 years. My best friend, the passionately deep love of my life, gone without warning. I keep going over and over what I should have – Could have done if only I had been quicker, asked the right questions, been more strict with the doctors – she might be here, smiling… sharing… all the things we loved to do together.

Jane   November 9, 2019 at 1:14 pm Reply

My husband shot himself 18 months ago after we had a disagreement. I said something I regret in a moment of frustration and stress and I apologized but he wouldn’t believe me/accept it. I loved him with all my heart. I am shattered. I still cry every day and see a therapist and attend a survivor grief group. Nothing helps. I am 58 years old; we’d only been married two years and it was my first marriage. We were together 12 years and neither of us had children. We were finally building our “dream home” and had everything we’d ever talked about and worked for ahead of us. Finally time to be together. I thought we were both excited about It but we were both very stressed–a lot had happened in those 12 years with deaths in the family, cancer, etc.. He seemed quiet and withdrawn and I didn’t pay attention to it. I am now totally lost too. I have no identity now other than calling myself a horrible person for arguing with him. I wonder if I was wrong all those years I thought we were both happy. Maybe I was a horrible person and made him unhappy and I cannot forgive myself for that. I don’t know what the truth is about anything now; who I am; who I was, who we were. I thought I knew our relationship was going to last forever. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. There’s no going forward from this. It is only pain, regret and confusion. I thought he was troubled and needed help. . . now I question if he did or I just made it up because I’m awful or something. Did I make him sad for a long time and I didn’t know? All I ever wanted to be after being alone so many years was a wife; have a husband to be my friend and come home to and share life with. Now I have nothing. My reason for living, for happiness is gone. He was my best friend and we shared everyting. We talked about everything, went everywhere together. He was my hero. Whether it was healthy or not, our identities were tied together . . . I don’t know how to “be” without him, with the regret of that argument, or how to ever even imagine happiness again. I think I will carry this with me forever. You cannot imagine the pain of being without him and having him die like that. It has taken my identity on every level.

K   November 16, 2019 at 5:25 am Reply

Dear Jane, I’m so sorry for you’re going through. Please don’t blame yourself – arguments are a part of relationships and you did nothing wrong. You are someone who loved another person very deeply for 12 years and when he lost his own extreme struggle with himself (that’s who he was fighting, not you), you were still brave enough to carry on putting one foot in front of the other and still speak his name in love. You may not be the same person, but today you are someone who pulled me out of my own terrible grief for a moment and showed me that I can survive this. take care x

Dave   November 22, 2019 at 3:56 pm Reply

Dear poor, poor Jane, Your story breaks my heart ?. There is nothing I can do to help, perhaps, but but I am sending you all my healing love. Dave ?

Paula   November 27, 2019 at 4:53 pm Reply

My husband died unexpectedly a week ago so I am a wreck and certainly not an expert on how to cope but your post reminded me about something I read once about suicide. It described suicide as a “beast in the jungle” and that often the act of suicide comes upon the person and nothing can stop it. The person is taken by it as if killed by a wild animal. The method of death caused you nearly unbearable pain and I am so sorry you had to go through that.

Lynlee   November 19, 2020 at 11:15 pm Reply

Dear Jane, I’m very sorry for your loss. Lost my husband seven weeks ago. I can’t imagine losing a husband the way you did but please do not think it your fault in any way. My husband more or less died in my arms. He had seizures due to a traumatic brain injury from a car wreck 10 years ago. The doctors could not stop the seizures this time though, and my best friend, love of my life, father to my son, my everything, is gone. I, like you, keep wondering if only I had done something, anything at all that could have kept him here. Like you, I am left trying to figure out how to deal with it all. Please don’t continue to think that you are to blame for what your husband did. It is not your fault. You are not to blame. Good luck to you.🦋

Medapa   October 26, 2019 at 12:07 am Reply

I recently lost my husband of 17 yrs due.to a unexpected heart attack. I found him in bathroom of hotel ( we were traveling home from vacation and on a layover, we were due to fly that morning) i called 911 and cpr was performed for 20 minutes until the ambulance arrived. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. I was alone 3 provinces away from home and my husband was dead. Im 40 yrs old we had no children. I have no other family that lives in town. Due to economic benefits. I have to remain living here for now. I have a large friend face but it just isn’t the same. I am so alone and so lost. I don’t see a future for myself I can barely see into next week. I almost feel like I’m a different person I have no feelings except sadness and deep deep pain. I loved him like I loved no other. I honestly don’t know what to do I feel like I’m living a half life now.

Cathy   October 27, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

Dear, I am so sorry you are going through this. You will heal, you will regrow, but you will be different, better for the love your husband poured into you. You’ll find a way to pour it out into others. I am praying for you. Find me at cathycanen.com if you’d like to message me- you have a friend.

Cindy Alt   October 22, 2019 at 12:21 am Reply

I lost my husband unexpectedly 2.5 years ago. I was probably going to get a divorce but it didn’t happen. Now I’m left dealing with his unfinished projects, his business, basically his life since he died. I have lost myself in this time with constant work, stress and anxiety. I have become exhausted and my outlook for the future is not at all good. People have left my life and a few have entered my life. I have also pulled away from people who have not been helpful with their comments or actions. I trying like crazy to get rid of parts of this load on me but it takes time. I just hope once I get free of some things I will become me again. I will not be who I was but I look forward to seeing who I become.

Sally   October 21, 2019 at 5:32 pm Reply

My sister died in jan , we were close , then a old man ran a red light and ran me off the road in the same month , then my partner dumped me , I had my handbag stolen , my car was wrote off in the accident , all I could afford was a really old heap rusted car , my son was struggling with the loss of my sister and exams , playing up etc , my car kept breaking down , I changed my job , I struggled with my finances and it’s all left me not wanting to be here anymore , it’s very hard , I’m on anti depressants and I’m going through the menopause so the anti depressants don’t seem to be working , I very low most days are more low than manageable , it’s been four months I’ve been like this and I’m trying to I’m prove my life each day but I feel so lost and unhappy , I don’t look forward to anything anymore but this post was good and helped me see losing someone feels like you’ve lost yourself , I’ve never thought of it that way so thank you . I still don’t want to carry on but I am trying

lee grobbelaar   November 22, 2019 at 3:56 pm Reply

every life is worth the breathe we are gifted with until that breathe is taken, every day – both painful and beautiful is a gift you are a gift, i bet your sister would love to console you and to wipe your tears and see you smile again even though things seem so shitty to put it mild x x so let me be a soul sister for a moment and run my cyber hands over your eyes and catch your tears for her x x x one day – some time in the future you will smile again and you will see the beauty of your sisters life all around you, accept grief, work through your grief with friends and councellors if you are able. stay kind to yourself, your sister would want this x x

Brittney   August 8, 2019 at 2:12 pm Reply

My boyfriend of 8 years died unexpectedly almost 2 weeks ago. I feel an unbearable sadness. I lay in bed for most of the day. I cry and the anger that builds up inside me is so painful. I want him back and I pray that he will come back even though I know it will never happen. I have never been religious so now I’m afraid. I want to believe I will see him again. He died of an overdose so I always had a fear of this happening when we were together. He was such a special wonderful man who died at 35. He understood me and made me laugh. I miss everything about him. I don’t want to live anymore but I still fear dying. My bestfriend the love of my life has moved on without me. I lay in bed wishing he was still there to hold me.

Cheryl   August 7, 2019 at 6:23 pm Reply

Thank you for the article on grief. It made me realize how many things we do grieve for, and maybe aren’t aware of why we have those feelings. Life seems like it’s always a series of losses of one sort or another. I had a lot of major life losses in a short amount of time. My divorce just finalized months ago but was dragged on by my abusive Ex for almost 3 years. Divorce is a death with no body and a strange thing to grieve over. Along with the marriage, hopes, dreams, his family and friends who no longer speak to me, we lost our dog of 16 years, my brother’s wife of 40 years, and I just retired, which means I’ve lost my career , (my 2nd one) of 16 years. Lots of grieving in multiply layers. It’ s been a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I feel like a deer in the headlights, stunned at all the changes I’ve gone through. I feel like I’ve lived a whole lifetime in a matter of 3 years. I have been in therapy for the last 1 1/2yr, which has saved my life. I read people don’t think therapy will bring back their loved ones, no it won’t , but what it will do is bring you back. No you will never get over it, through it, but you will learn how to deal with the pain of it. When my sister in law passed away at 66 yrs old, I realized we must live our lives to the fullest, with the most joy, and happiness so that we may honor those that can no longer do that. And those that have passed, as my parents, and most of my family have would not want us to suffer, be unhappy, unfulfilled and what would be the point of that. I am so sorry for those of you who feel so badly, and don’t want to die but no longer want to live. That’s a most difficult place to be in. I would tell you to get help, it doesn’t do you any good to sit with such misery with no where to take that. I hope you will consider what I’ve said , and please know, this journey I’m on has been the hardest of my life, but truly the biggest lessons of my life. There is always hope, and always a choice. I wish you all the best to heal from your losses. My heart goes out to you all who have taken the time to write in this post.

Tabatha   September 20, 2019 at 2:56 am Reply

Thank you so much. Your words touch my heart. I keep putting off getting help (therapy) but I am really going to try to make an effort to do that because its probably my only chance in this lifetime and I have a wonderful daughter I want to ‘want to’ live for. I love her so much but have so much hate towards myself. Again thank you and God bless you!!

Diana   February 26, 2020 at 2:37 am Reply

Thank you. I have suffered from a lack of identity crises for quite some time and have thought it was just me … ( Just get over it!!!). I relate to all of what you have said . I thank all you brave people for sharing your life stories. Makes me realise how inadequate we are to cope with life….. retirement , job loses, caring for loved ones either ill or aged, have loved ones die and feel abandoned, rejection, aloneness, isolation …. We need assistance with mental health more than I ever dreamed,…. attached to work places, hospitals, schools…..,. We need support…. how do you know where to go and who to talk to?

Carol   July 29, 2019 at 7:50 pm Reply

I have experienced the more traditional loses starting in 2004 (mother, companion, stepmother, father). I had only been living with my companion, not my folks). My dog who died recently was always there in my boat Colleen (I love your post). When she died I felt my boat sank. I felt I was a bad captain by running my dog’s & my boat carelessly into rough waters. I did this by postponing her dental work until my dog ran into problems. The boat started to sink & l failed at bailing it out competently too.

My new identities feel like failure, failure & failure. My world feels completely void of other identities. I am adrift at sea. No land is anywhere in sight. Thank you for throwing me a life raft with article all the posts.

Chris   July 23, 2019 at 1:24 pm Reply

Every story here is sad beyond definition. My wife of 24 years died within six weeks of a surprise “Stage 4” diagnosis in November 2018 As others here have said it is hard to continue the journey with an identity, a purpose and goals. Our plans for retirement (she was 58, I was 53 and now 54) and our plans for life supporting our adult daughters and just enjoying happy times have been swept away. My identity is gone and I don’t have the energy to forge a new one or the desire to build a “new story” with someone else. I’m lonely. I don’t know who I am. I grieve. I work. For all of you that have your own tragedy and some of the saddest stories I have read please know I feel for each of you. There isn’t a way to send communal support. But if you are reading this just know that you are not alone. It made me feel better to read the stories. It’s not helping me rebuild an identity but it’s good to know others understand what you experience.

Jacquelyn Wilson   November 5, 2019 at 12:49 am Reply

Chris – you have perfectly described how I feel and our stories are similar. My husband and soulmate of 25 years passed away March 1, 2016. I quit my job to take care of him. I am completely lost – everything has changed. I had to move because both my parents and my husband passed away and I just couldn’t get away from the grief. Only one friend stuck by me. I have met new friends but just can’t seem to connect. I told me daughter that I really don’t care about anything anymore; that I feel like I’m just waiting for my own death. Meaning I just don’t fear it anymore.

samwise   July 2, 2019 at 8:37 pm Reply

Over two years ago, I lost my very best friend. The only 100% trustworthy being in my life. The fact that he had 4 legs and fur doesn’t change what he meant to me, especially given the fact that I was raised in an extremely emotionally neglectful family. Since his loss, I’ve lost my spark, my sense of joy. I feel numb all the time. My family, in their typical neglectful manner, pushed me even further away when I didn’t “snap out of it” within one week after he died, just before Christmas. And so, I’ve lost my family, empty and superficial as they were though I continue with some obligatory interactions for my mother’s sake. Every day is hard. Pretending everything is fine is tough. I do not see my future clearly. I just continue forward in a fog. I do some volunteering. Take an online class… If there are any others out there who have lost an animal friend who was everything, please know that you’re not alone. The suffering is every bit as excruciating as losing a beloved human — worse in some ways because so many people just don’t understand.

RA   July 28, 2019 at 12:45 pm Reply

Oh I’m so sorry you lost your best friend. My dog is my soulmate and best friend too and she is my life so I really know how you’re feeling. Have you thought about getting another dog? Never to replace but to offer love to another dog that would offer a different personality and relationship with you. Go to a shelter and give another dog the love that you have. My thoughts and understanding from another soul who understands what you’re going through Xx

Feijial   June 14, 2019 at 12:18 pm Reply

We truly need to learn our true self-identity and its a mindset which needs to be developed.

Diane Lewis   June 10, 2019 at 12:44 pm Reply

I am a loss as to what to do next, I feel so alone and sometimes wish I had died with him, I was married to my Husband for 50 years and for the last 4 years his caregiver. Ken fell in our home and after a month in the hospital and another in a nursing home he was sent back home for me to care for him, He couldn’t talk, walk or feed himself had a G-tube and I was using a hoyer lift to get him out of bed into a wheelchair, I had to teach him how to talk , brush his teeth and how to hold a spoon to feed himself again. This was 24 hour care without a break. I often prayed that he would pass and set me free. I know that isn’t something I should say but it is honest. I always thought you have a deep down fighting spirit within you. While at the nursing home I saw many people that had that fight and willing to do whatever they needed to get better or as close to it as they could. I watched as Ken was asked to raise his arm’s to catch a ball and the ball just bounced off onto the floor. I knew there wasn’t much if any at all fight within him. Now 4 year’s later he was put on Hospice and passed away on Feb 14th this year. I miss him so much and how busy I was all the time and never felt like I had enough hours in a day to get everything done. It went from having a daily routine to so many hours in a day to do nothing. I felt sad and relief after he passed thinking I was free to do something for myself now. I have not worked in 5 year’s and have gone on a few interviews and offered a job by each one. I find I can’t commit to anything because I feel so lost at this time. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. My children are grown and have lives of their own, another day passes and I sit here without any direction.

JA   June 14, 2019 at 9:03 am Reply

“Grief is the price we pay for love,” according to Queen Elizabeth, Diane.

The quote came to mind when I read of your grief, but not the orator. So I searched online and found it to be her … or not. Google would have me believe that it belongs to one Dr CM Parkes (an acquaintance of the Queen) and his book on bereavement.

(Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life.) “The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love:it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment. To ignore this fact, or to pretend that it is not so, is to put on emotional blinkers which leave us unprepared for the losses that will inevitably occur in our own lives and unprepared to help others cope with losses in theirs.”

Perhaps, in time, you will support others in their own joys and losses; for yours is a rare experience. Or perhaps you will not be able to do so, I don’t know. I say this because I can only imagine you must have known a great joy.

Hoping the joy and grief will come to coexist for you, in time.

Sheila   July 23, 2019 at 3:21 pm Reply

I too feel like I have lost my identity/ myself with the loss of my husband. (I am beyond grateful to have found your website) I have just been existing, breathing in/out hoping the grief would stop. We are coming up on the 1st year on July 30th. After 6 years of non stop treatment, all the cliches of ‘just the shell of the person’ that remained were ringing so true for me. Fast forward to now, and I can’t think straight. I can’t tell if this is just ‘the new normal’ or depression. My adult daughter says it is ’emotional cutting’ to reminisce and cry. I didn’t think a human being could cry so much. I feel so robbed of our ‘golden years’ together. I didn’t realize just how intertwined our lives had actually become, we had just completed 35 yrs together. There was nothing we didn’t do together. There remains just this blinding blizzard of snow that blankets my thoughts and life. I pray for all of us that are grieving, that things get better in as quick a time as our hearts allow.

blease   June 5, 2019 at 10:42 am Reply

loss of identity too me reminds me of a long past event were the connection from spirit thus nature from the physical being , when a man who threw such heart break and grief loss , burred his true self deep deep within the heart were he couldn’t reach it ! the quest of the true holy grail ! however one knows nothing so one cant even say …

JA   May 26, 2019 at 10:10 am Reply

Every autumn, grief wakes in me as I do in morning.

I have lost friends and family in the regular and expected ways – in accordance with ‘the natural way of things’ – yet nothing much beyond and so I consider myself lucky. It is in this Being Lucky That I cannot help but feel guilty – as if I haven’t earned my grief: because mine is about me alone, is selfish, and so adds layers guilt.

I sacrificed my identity for my family – my most basic dream for their basic needs and security.

Every autumn I mourn. My mood decreasing with melatonin, no doubt – but also because at this time of year, my pace of work eases. Almost retiring for a month, I pause in the moment to dream possibilities only to find them foregone to my family’s better good. So I exercise demonically, so as not to dream until sowing spring’s frenzy.

Come spring, I have no thoughts of autumn – knowing in my heart It will wake, just as my heart then will break. Again. Hoping – if I allow the thought in – for It to wrench a little less.

Eleven years of winter mending. Grief is counting, Stitches.

Christine Lines   April 20, 2019 at 11:15 am Reply

I have just read your article and it explains a lot of what I’ve been struggling with. Especially since the loss of my brother – my only sibling – 8 months ago. I am like a quarter of the person I was before he died. It was the same after the loss of my mother and my husband. I’ve never been able to explain it to my therapist how I feel. But it is like there are big pieces missing of myself. I have taken up painting in a small group and I think this might be starting to give me a new sense of self and purpose. I always wanted to be who I used to be and I grieved for that lost self but now I realise I have to build a newer sense of me. Thank you. It has been so enlightening to finally read about this

Kim   July 3, 2019 at 11:13 am Reply

I also lost my only sibling unexpectedly 9 months ago. She was not only my sister, but my best friend. We had been through so much together, including the death of our mom when we were young (I was 15, she was 20), a difficult period of adjustment after her death, as our dad just lost himself for awhile. We survived, but held on to each other tight. We moved in together, and stayed very close to each other through the peaks and valleys of life. I am completely lost without her. Seeing a therapist, however, has helped. I realize that I must discover who I am now…what is my new identity since her loss. I pray that you are able to find yourself in your journey of grief. May we both find that peace.

Betsy Lenora   March 31, 2019 at 11:59 pm Reply

I RECENTLY HAD TO CLOSE A SMALL GIFT SHOP i OWNED. i SOLD HANDCRAFTED GIFTS MADE BY LOCAL ARTISTS. i HAD IT FOR 8 YEARS AND IT WAS MY DREAM COME TRUE. i LOVED MY STORE, i LOVED HELPING CUSTOMERS AND WORKING WITH THE ARTISTS. i CREATED A WONDERFUL ATMOSPHERE. AND YET, IN THE LAST 2 YEARS, THE STORE WASN’T MAKING ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY ME A SALARY. AS SOON AS I REALIZED I WOULD HAVE TO CLOSE MY STORE, I FELL INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION. THE STORE WAS MY IDENTITY. WITHOUT IT, I NO LONGER FEEL LIKE MYSELF. I BECAME SUICIDAL IT WAS THAT BAD. I LIVE ALONE AND HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS. I’M STRUGGLING TO FIND SOMETHING TO REPLACE MY OLD IDENTITY. IT IS A HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE, NOT HAVING ANY DESIRES, PASSION, JOY JUST FEELING DEAD INSIDE, BLAH. I CRY A LOT.

Margaret D   May 20, 2019 at 1:52 am Reply

I sympathize with the loss of your beloved store. I have had a huge shift in identity, too. I think the goal of your store is wonderful, to connect artists and customers. I know there are so many efforts you could make to keep doing this type of work without formally having a store, either with community artists or those from third world countries, on a voluntary basis after your day to day work is done. I hope you put your talents to use. They are valuable! Best wishes.

Greyjoy   March 22, 2019 at 3:43 pm Reply

how to begin…. isn’t that the toughest part of it all. I have read a handful of the comments left and the ideas and emotions within them are all too familiar. I think its fair to say that the world keeps spinning and we keep having to deal with the bulls*t. I suppose I have a hard time ‘accepting’ things that have happened because somewhere in my psyche ideas like ‘everything happens for a reason’ or some things are ‘meant to be’ still exist. The anger generated from the contrast of those two worlds keep me from being able to push forward in an optimistic manner like I did in the past. In fact, I resent the person in the past. That bright eyed person ready to take on anything and do whats needed to be done just doesn’t exist anymore. I actually blame that person for being naive to evils far beyond their perception at that space and time. Which led to the trauma that has incapacitated my ability to do good for self or even allow myself to seek help. My mind is plagued in every interaction, big or small. Who are you? Why are you asking me these questions? What do you want from me? I feel like Brion James’ character in the opening scene of Blade Runner except the interviewer is a prospective employer/friend/significant other. It’s really no way to live. I don’t want to be known as the monster I am now, I wish to be remembered as who I was, so I’ve isolated. I suppose I am here in hopes of stumbling upon something. Hope is a funny thing. Without it you are lost but with it, you just feel like the worlds biggest idiot.

Bekka   May 7, 2019 at 8:33 am Reply

I could have written this myself. It’s been about 3 years since the loss of everything I loved about me and my life and I hate the person I’ve become. Though I often feel quite monstrous, logically I know I’m not a monster and I doubt you are either, but I get it. Thank you for posting. It helps ease a bit of the loneliness. I hope for both of us or anyone else who feels this way that something comes along to surprise us (in a good way for a change). Sending some love to you whoever and wherever you are.

Amina   March 1, 2019 at 12:39 pm Reply

I’ve been very upset today but after reading this i feel more aware of what’s been up with me and how I feel thank you

Sarah   February 24, 2019 at 8:42 am Reply

I’m an only child. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in late May 2008 and died 7 weeks later, age 86. I was completely unprepared for how horrifying it would be. Even though I was 51 with a good job and happily married I always knew my dad would have my back; a safety net should something go terribly wrong. Now that safety net was gone.

My mom gamely kept on, refusing to entertain any notion of moving from the house she loved so much even though she was living in the country, somewhat isolated and I lived 600 miles away. I visited often and talked to her every day. A year and a half later she suffered a major stroke. She required around the clock care. I moved back with her (keeping up with my job by teleworking) and spent the first 3 months setting up the full time (in home) care she needed. Once I was satisfied she had the right people looking after her I went home but came back every 2-4 weeks to visit, check on her (she was unable to speak on the phone) and handle any problems from staffing issues to home repairs. This went on for 17 months. My mom was well cared for and it was my second full time job.

When my mom died I was TOTALLY unprepared for the COMPLETE and IMMEDIATE loss of identity I experienced. I would not wish my mom’s situation on anyone, but while it was going on I was important, critical to her wellbeing in every sense of the word. I was her caregiver at times. The manager of all that mattered to her. And I was her daughter. And now I felt the loss of all of those roles. I felt like I was completely untethered – freefalling. It was unspeakably frightening and why had I never even heard of this aspect of loss and grief? I had my marriage of course and my job. But I had spent so much time living between my home and my parents’ home that when I was finally back in my “regular” life I felt like much of that life had moved past me. My husband and I have no children so we don’t have any parental roles to occupy us. I’ve adjusted to the new normal, mostly, but as other losses have accrued since then I still find myself struggling with my identity. I inherited my parents’ dog, who was wonderful and we loved her dearly. But she was diagnosed with cancer and required quite a bit of care before she died. I was her caregiver through it all. When she died I was suddenly yanked from that role, simultaneously relieved she was no longer ill, horrified at losing her and no longer vital to another being’s survival. Then I had a huge project at work for several years which came to fruition just over a year ago and when it did I experienced the same loss of identity; I suddenly had free time and not nearly as much to do.

The other thing I had to learn is that grief accrues. One doesn’t lose someone, get over it and then start back at zero with the next loss. The losses compound. I’m finding the same with the identity struggle although it’s more nuanced.

Thanks for giving me the space to put down these thoughts. I have no answers but maybe this will help someone else realize they are not alone.

Jackie   February 22, 2019 at 2:20 am Reply

I lost everything the day my partner died suddenly and unexpectedly at only 69.

My lifelong love, the one person who’s unconditionally love and cared for me. Our longed for retirement. My motivation, zest for life, optimism, stability, security and all reason for living have been taken away from me. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live.

At 66 I wish I was older so I don’t have so long to go. I wish I could give my life to somebody who would value it as I used to. I don’t exist anymore overnight I went from a happy, healthy active person to nothing. I have no peace of mind, just regrets and constant questioning. Lifelong hobbies, enjoyments have been taken away from me. People I thought we’re friends don’t bother to get in touch .Family are like distant strangers who want to help but usually make me feel worse.

Joe   January 22, 2019 at 12:07 pm Reply

Floundering is a good way to describe it. What i had before is gone, long gone. I stumble thru each day in some sort of half reality.

I now question every single thing I have ever done/thought leading up to what happened (lost my teenage son in a car accident that could have been prevented). I can be speaking to someone and its like I’m overhead looking down on this person like I’m not even attached to him anymore. Or can be driving down the street and think if i hit the car in front of my its not really real.

GOD, now that’s a big one. I no longer believe what i believed before. I found out that my vision of GOD wasn’t correct to begin with and now i have to reevaluate a life time of what and what GOD was and wasn’t. I don’t pray for safety anymore (it didn’t work) and now believe “shi! just happens” without GODS ordaining it. If you happen to be in the middle of an intersection and a drunk idiot runs the red light, chances are YOU’RE GOING TO DIE and GOD doesn’t pull you out of the way, I just doesn’t work that way. I used GOD as my safety net wrongly. Again, doesn’t work that way.

Hoping and Praying are also NOT things i do anymore. The only thing that works is ACTION. Pray/Hope all you want to but without action, its worthless. Again, it didn’t work for me or my family.

3 years into this and I’m still as confused as the day it happened. Am i suicidal? No not really, I just don’t want to be alive anymore, there is a difference. Counseling??? Now that’s another whole issue. Can counseling bring back my son? NO Can it bring back my future? NO In child loss groups all i saw is unhappy miserable parents who lost children, some of them 15+ years ago or longer. That showed me you NEVER get over/thru a loss of a child (or they wouldn’t still be going there). Still trying but exhausted and tired of it all.

Each day at a time until i see my son again.

Doris Mae   May 11, 2019 at 2:24 am Reply

Hi Joe, I lost my only child on 7/16/2010, age 28 and his dad, my husband age 64 on 11/4/2018…… floundering , isolating , trying to get through another day. I lost my family and surely lost my identity. I live with my brother and his wife and I know I need to take action to find the new me. Hardest thing EVER. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die. My brother says he is worried that I will not make it, if I do not try to live again. I just thought I would reach out . I am so sorry about your loss . No parent should have to endure such heartbreak .

LT   June 27, 2019 at 4:49 pm Reply

Hi Joe, Not sure if you’ll see this because you posted some months ago but I decided to try anyway. My 17 year old son passed away almost two weeks ago. I’m in a haze. But I want you to know that death is a part of living. Sometimes a death is designed by God and sometimes it’s designed by evil. When it’s evil the purpose is to break you. To throw you off course. To shatter your potential. To cast you into a never ending state of darkness. You have to fight against it and not let it win. The pain I feel is enormous. I’m lost wondering why any of this matters. Wondering how I can make my life more meaningful. But I know that I have to be as strong as I can be because I cannot let evil win.

patti hirschberg   January 18, 2019 at 2:05 pm Reply

Brilliant. Thank you!

Mom   January 18, 2019 at 6:33 pm Reply

Our son was murdered by fentanyl Aug. 27 2017 and it was so unexpected and sudden. I can not move on and don’t know that I ever can. Nobody called us when he died, the police screwed the case up so bad, his car and motorcycle were stolen, etc. Nobody calls and I can’t stand being on this earth without him. Everything I try to do I get beat down by a brick wall. He was my first born and it is so hard to give anything of myself because I am so depressed, angry, full of anxiety and all the other crappy feelings. My husband nor youngest son do not talk about him and that doesn’t help. I hear all the talk, talk, talk about the opioid epidemic until I want to scream. All talk and NO ACTION!! I cant find anything out about his death because police won’t respond. It’s just all I can do to even get up each day. Don’t clean, cook, brush hair, nothing.. this is not living. I pray every night for God to take me home but I hope to know who killed my son before I go. It is supposedly the room mate whom my son was kind enough to let move in and what a great thanks right?? Writing is my only release I guess. I don’t know how parents losing their children to this poison get through each day. God help us all. It appears “Authority” doesn’t really care at all. I grieve for my son and all the others dealing with this horrible epidemic.

Katie   January 18, 2019 at 10:19 pm

My older brother, my moms first child, died out of the country under confusing circumstances. He was hit by a drunk driver, but we don’t really know what happened even though we went there and did everything we could for justice and closure. It’s 10 years later now. My mom still grieves, but slowly deals with some things, little by little. My mom had a lot of problems before my brother died that she never faced and now she uses her grief over my brothers death to continue not facing herself. Now my younger brother is a meth addict. I’m an addict in recovery and my mom constantly looks at her life of regret and asks what went wrong with her sons. Life is hard for all of us, but she only cares about her own grief. She’s like a child and I am the adult. She has every right to grieve. I don’t know her pain. I have a son w autism and adhd, but he is here and I make sure he knows I love him, but life is still going. We are still here. Mom, please face this grief. Get help, get a support group, take responsibility where you can and accept and forgive. The point of life is to live.

rene   January 19, 2019 at 11:55 am

I am so sorry to read about your tragedy. God bless you. I am sending you light from my heart to yours and pray you are healed.

Joni   January 18, 2019 at 11:56 am Reply

This was a really helpful article; thank you. Remembering that the old “me” is still part of me, and finding positive things (as well as the bad) that have been added, helps today. Maybe we’re like moonsnails or other sea creatures with spiraling shells, and the old identities just have new layers added on top. The new layers aren’t all shiny; quite a bit of the accretion is rough and ugly, but the overall effect can still work. (I can’t go as far as “beautiful” today.)

Vartan Agnerian   January 16, 2019 at 12:55 pm Reply

Agree with Kirsty’ this website is indeed a gift and all the fellow grievers who share their grief stories and their brokenness’ helping me not feel alone and abandoned … As for me’ – Who am I ‘if not a wife – after 44 years of loving and fun marriage …

Edwanda Phillips   December 16, 2018 at 3:32 pm Reply

It is good too know I am not alone.

Denny   November 19, 2018 at 9:18 am Reply

My dad died 8/2018. I retired my job to help be my daddy’s caregiver along side my two siblings that we never were close. More to the point the siblings always ganged up on me. Narcissistic personalities both of them. The grief shattered through his suffering and not knowing his own pain alone over his last 3 months of life have shattered me. I just took a new job afeto12 yrs with a company I was ready to leave but yet provided structure I was accustomed to that forced my attention to work. Now I feel even more of a loss. No dad who defined I was his daughter, a job that gave me a position and purpose. Both giving me a place. I’m so thankful for Jesus because I know to whom I belong . I hope this helps someone. I would be lost without Jesus.

Cindy   October 16, 2018 at 7:52 am Reply

My son died 15 years ago. He was my only child. He was 17. At the time i was very lucky to have lots of family and friends for support. Just about everyone has disappeared now. My 2 brothers who are older than me have both been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I am 50 years old and my long term partner of 7 years has decided we arent compatable anymore and completely moved on with his accountant. I have lost my son, my independence, my drive, my career and the ability to look after myself financially. I had to move away to a rural town where i coukd afford a 1 bedroom unit. Im isolated, lonely, depressed and fearful. I dont have the energy to go on anymore. I always hope i will feel better soon and I’ll be able to work, earn an income and start living again in some way but i fear i just cant find the purpose or passion. I used to be confident, happy, fun loving, easy going, optimistic, courageous etc. im none of those things anymore. I dont even want to or care if i leave the house, shower, eat etc. Im so lost. Thanks for the article. My heart goes out to everyone experiencing loss of a loved one. Its extremely hard.

Jenn   November 10, 2018 at 1:32 pm Reply

Hi Cindy, Thanks for sharing this as it is good to know others who struggle as well. I lost my son to cancer when he was age 23 years old…that was 8 years ago. Up until then and even during his sickness (over a 5 year period) I had loads of friends checking in and calling me. Like you, I was happy, loved life and all those things. But the minute my son closed his eyes on January 16th, 2010 that was it. Everyone abandoned me, my family, my only sister, my best friends (my mom and dad passed away years ago). I tried and tried calling for general chats, but they never picked up. And then a message would be left on my phone to say they saw I called and were busy and would call me back in a day or two….but the call never came. Now, aged 65 years old I struggle to get up and go to work each day. I took a job as receptionist in an office after my son died. Yes, it pays the bills and gives me a bit extra for the odd holiday by myself and get my hair done etc. It’s just awful…..if I did not have my job I would not be here. I will do it as long as my health continues. Try and get yourself a wee job, even its only in a store a couple of days a week. As someone in Ireland, where I am from originally once said when they lost a loved one…..’ I will stumble around this planet aimlessly until as such time it is for me to leave and meet my loved one again’. I think they speak for all of us. Oh, how much better it would have been for us if everyone had not deserted us. Take care

Susan Kaplan   October 15, 2018 at 8:36 pm Reply

You mentioned Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or just spiritual, but you left out Judaism. I certainly hope this was not intentional. Regardless, it is insulting to Jews to be omitted from this list.

Steven Watkins   February 10, 2019 at 7:54 pm Reply

I believe that the implication was that regardless of the specific version of spirituality we happen to practice, we we’re all equally susceptible to losing our sense of spiritual identity. Also left off were Hinduism, Shikhism, Hindu, and hundreds of others. We live in a society that normalizes taking offense to a great number of things quite often. I can personally admit I’ve spent a great portion of my life doing the same. Let go of the ego. Approach each and every situation with as open a mind as possible. If nothing else, what harm could it do? I’m beginning to suspect that the primary thing standing between each of us and some level or variation of happiness is our decision to demand some kind of personal “justice” for each and every time we feel wronged—no matter how arbitrary.

Gary   October 15, 2018 at 7:29 pm Reply

My wife of 37 years marriage and 44 years of love from first sight sweethearts passed away tragically from a shocking diagnosis of stage 4 lung/brain cancer. It nailed us hard and by total shock when we thought all along it was just a bad back issue. From diagnosis to the end it was 2 months. I always prided my self as Mr and Mrs- THAT was my identity- HER HUSBAND and I was HER HUSBAND as well- we were ONE. Now I am a lost soul who has lost his pride and joy-my reason for living and getting up and going to bed every day. I had just retired and she was on back LTD but we had bought our retirement home and straight ahead were the “GOLDEN YEARS” we had so worked so hard to get to. I was 64 and she was 62. Hey what the hell- we were both talking about our 40th and 50th anniversaries- Bring it all on. Lets die of old age together. So after the shock of the diagnosis-then being her caregiver and then the finality of it all- I am left an empty shell. The once smiling with confidence and strength which was only because of my wife is now gone as well. All my ZEST for upcoming life- hey why not another 25 years right? Puts us in our eighties- hey arent people living longer? Hey your family they are all older- look all in their 80s- why shouldnt we expect and plan on the same- full speed ahead- to the GOOD LIFE here we come! Then blam- all gone within an instant. I hardly had enough time to feel the shock of the Dr words- I was numb from that moment on. But now I am NOBODY- yeah a Dad and yeah a granddad- BUT really nothing without grandma by my side. I was just the side act-she was the star of this show! I have no idea how this plays out but I do want to die- I do not have the strength to turn this ship around- why would I want to be so many years removed from the one I love? But as far as who I am? I am a nobody a nothing just going through the motions so as not to totally disappoint my children. I am NO LONGER GARY- GARY died when his love of his life passed on. If I am no longer GARY and fact is no longer Mr& Mrs Gary as well- I no longer exist! Life can easily go on without me.

Bev   November 27, 2018 at 1:27 pm Reply

Gary, I understand how your heart is full of crushing pain. I just lost my soul mate. My husband of 30 years died of occupational cancer. I have not only my loss and grief to deal with but also his employer who has made my life hell . Your kids and grand kids need you here. Please don’t give up. I have felt terrible dispare in my lifetime and was once suicidal just prior to meeting my soulmate. Had I given up on life I would have not felt the joy and love I was blessed with. As horrible as I felt then if I had thrown it away …. I would have lost my love and my kids.. Our grandkids.. Crushed my parents. There is hope I truly believe as hard as it is right now for me.. My life has purpose and it will be better with time… Make new memories one day at a time please..

Andreia   February 9, 2021 at 3:49 pm

We think our pain is unique. Then we realize in all the comments here how many people go through the worst pain ever. I wish we could be in the same city and confort each other. My soul mate, best friend, anchor, my beloved sister is gone. With her I also quit my job to take my parents. I thank God everyday she gave me her. Thanks to her I manage to travel abroad. It is hard to think all the things we would live together will never happen. It hurts so much. She was the one to be with me when my parents time come. She was the one to be with me for the long haul. Please do not be strong, leave your grief as long as you need and do not listen to some silly advices from people that never experienced the death of a loved one. They are not bad, they just do not understand. I regret so many things I did and the things I should have done, to be more loving and patient with her. Each of you here are struggling the dark night of the soul… But always remember. Even if you do not feel moving forward, move regardless if you do not have any motivation. Move even if you do not accept what happened, move even if you have no energy left and do not feel any reason to live. Do everything even with your heart broken and in tears. Force to walk, to meditate, going somewhere, if you are alone, crying, go out by yourself. I say this because, although we will never forget the ones we love, they would want us to move on and they would be upset if they could see us giving up because of their death. Move for them, make the effort for the love that now lives inside our heart. You will never be the same, but remember that your identity now is to have the one you love inside of your heart. Grief has the same size of the love you felt for them. That is the price you pay for love someone. Or would you choose to go back in time and make that person never been born than you would not have to deal with this pain? I believe everybody would wish to go through everything again because it was worth it every minute with the ones that passed away. So although you are suffering now it is still a gift that they crossed our path even if was for a shot time. We never will have an answer why a parent has to bury their child, or if there is life after death. But for sure grief teach us that love is real and it is stronger when somebody we love the most has to go. And that is the biggest lesson they teach us. So in the name of this miracle that was their lives, go on because that is what they would ask you each of you. Honor them this way. We have a lot of strengh. You just need to live one day at a time with your sadness, numbness, anger. Do not rush. You do not need to overcome anything. Healing will come. They just went earlier than us. One day all of us hopefully will meet them again. God bless you all.

Isabelle Siegel   February 10, 2021 at 12:16 pm

Andreia, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story/perspective. What you have said is so wise and important: “Please do not be strong, leave your grief as long as you need…” I think you would appreciate these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ All the best to you.

Pam Isonio   February 17, 2019 at 8:43 pm Reply

My husband of 37 years passed in September. I totally get everything you’re saying, Gary. Totally true for me. I just feel so lost. I too have kids and grandkids, but feel as if I’m on the periphery. Just keep fighting.

Krista   August 11, 2018 at 9:30 am Reply

I struggle after 13 years with anxiety and I would say depression. I always had anxiety but it intensified when I got into my 40s. I think my grief comes from going through cancer myself. Stage 3 when I was 30. And while I am grateful to be alive everything I had hoped for or ever wanted changed . And I just don’t think I ever dealt with it. But I find myself in the same place as I was then, 14 years later- trying to still stay in the mold of what we built at that time. It my body and stagnant life are constant reminders. I want to change and yet feel like, why can’t I just be grateful for what I have. Constant struggle. And always feel like I’m grieving. About loss of self, loss of time, loss of friendships bc I find myself isolating. I was a social person, I think I need it- but it feels exhausting to press on.

Nina   July 25, 2018 at 5:13 pm Reply

I am unable even write what I am feeling or not feeling. I used to be able to articulate, talk, laugh smile, communicate . …..now what.

Stephanie   November 25, 2018 at 8:00 pm Reply

I’m at the same place!! My mind is mush and all I know is that I feel like I’m going insane ?. Please reach out if you’d like, I hate feeling like I’m the only one losing my mind!

Kirsty   April 12, 2018 at 10:05 pm Reply

Thank you. This website is indeed a gift for those of us who feel ‘lost’ and not found and no longer recognise the version of ourselves that we are today. Having always felt strong and determined and with my life all planned out – my dad’s recent death does leave me feeling like I have lost my anchor. Thank you brave souls for sharing your deepest pain and sadness. I know the place where that comes from – and how brave we all are to share. I am having trouble accepting the ‘lost-ness’ of my dad’s death. Who am I – I am no longer a daughter – yet am always a daughter. Or else I don’t exist. Hmmm I am many things and yet I am nothing (sorry to post-modern for some – but I am feeling that sense of fragmentation right now). Looking, seeking aching for something concrete. Going to get all the medical tests I can to ‘prove’ I am OK – and not dying like dad. But then devastated by the truth that there simply are no certainties in life. The whole human experience is chance, unknowns and a roll of the dice. All any of us can do is to live this day, this moment with passion and meaning. I struggle with this fluidity and shifting nature of things. I want to hold on tight – I want truths made of steel. I want a life of certainties. Oh how funny we are – from the moment we are born we are changing – yet us humans have so much desire for constancy – what funny creatures we are indeed. We go to such huge measures to avoid the pain of change and loss. Thanks again for this website – and to the brave souls who are sharing. I am very grateful.

Carl   April 2, 2018 at 10:27 pm Reply

[email protected] Your website, WYG was a real eye opener for me since I had never learned or did not understand how to let myself grieve. I went to seven week grief support workshop in October last fall. I was able to begin to learn how to grieve. My parents both died within one year of each other when I was about forty years old. I am now close to my 70th birthday. My mother never even had a service. It hurt deeply. I had held on to a vision of them only as I saw them suffering before they died. During and after the workshop I was able to look at photographs of them when they younger and vibrant. I am still so sad because they have not been around as my children have grown up and married. I thank you all for sharing your pain, I immediately felt much compassion and sadness with you. I have recently “found my voice” and begun daily to live my identity. I had lost my voice and identity through dissociation during some severe childhood trauma. So this topic of grieving our loss of identity or self, spoke to me. I still suffer from some occasional symptoms of PTSD. Thank you for this forum and website to help people cope with grief.

Kathy   February 28, 2018 at 11:14 am Reply

My husband of 25 years died 16 months ago. We were a May/December couple and the 17 yr. age difference never mattered. I loved being his wife. He was the air I breathed. So many people told me they had never seen a couple like us. We lived for each other. We tried to make each other feel loved every day. We had fun, no matter what we were doing. We did have individual interests, but we just liked being together. Not having him has left me bobbling for air. I get up everyday and go to work, but I feel my life has no meaning. Nothing is fun without him. I am struggling to find my new normal, whatever that is. I have trouble watching life go on all around me. I am sitting still. He is not here. Sometimes I see a picture or hear a phrase, and it still knocks the wind out of me. I am sad. I am mad. It is hard to explain and no one understands that my heart is really broken and my entire world turned inside out. My friends have been very supportive, but not my family and that is another pain in itself, but nothing has ever prepared me for losing my beloved husband.

Theresa   February 28, 2018 at 4:11 pm Reply

Dear Kathy, I lost my husband on July 15, 2017. We were the perfect couple. Both of us had been married before. We told each other every day how much we loved each other, appreciated each other, enjoyed every minute we had together. It was a crooked path that led us to each other. He was only 4 years older (I’m 65 now). We made such wonderful plans and now nothing is the same for me. I still work full time, care for the house we shared, the dogs, the garden, his family everything. I don’t know who I am now. I’m outside looking in. Everyone thought we had been married forever. We were only married 4 years. My husband told me that I had taught him the true meaning of love. He was so very happy and so was I. We planned retirement and now…I’m lucky I put one foot in front of the other let alone planning my future or the next day. Who am I? I just don’t know.

Lesley Crane   February 18, 2018 at 9:55 pm Reply

My brother had brain tumours and died when he was 43 but my grief was displaced because he had a wife and 3yo daughter who took all the attention. Three years later my dad died following a brain bleed in his sleep from which he never woke. My youngest son died suddenly and unintentionally 2 years ago aged 24yo, He had an 8mo daughter and he was an awesome dad. I was inconsolable of course but I still had to make sure my oldest son and daughter were okay. My granddaughter’s presence softened the ragged edges of my grief which also helped me maintain a connection with my son. Four months later my older sister died suddenly, leaving two young adult nephews without a mother and neither had any connection with their respective fathers, so while grieving my son I was thrown into emotional carer mode for my nephews. Ten months later my beloved sister in law became ill very quickly with cancer and died a week before her 60th birthday. Four months later her mother (my mother in law) died suddenly. I knew why – she was grieving her daughter. I actually felt happy that they were together again in heaven but I also felt a little jealous because they were all together, kicking up their heels and revelling in spiritual ecstasy that I believe exists when we cross over. My brother, father, son and sister gone, along with two more who I loved as much. That leaves just me and mum, but mum has dementia and doesn’t know anything about anything. I need her now but she’s not there and so I feel orphaned and alone for the first time in my life. It doesn’t help that I’m also the youngest in my family and my sister shouldered a lot of the responsibility where mum was concerned. My work is getting frustrated by my inability to deliver as I used to. I hate my job now and find absolutely no satisfaction in what I do, but I don’t know what else I want to do. I’m 56 so it’s not easy to start a new career and my interests don’t come with a wage. For the first time in my life I feel frightened and very much alone and this is harder to deal with it seems with than the losses themselves. I get angry with my family; why did they leave me? Yet I’m glad that my son is not alone and has family around him too. Finally the mother of my granddaughter has taken up a new relationship and has decided to cast us out and we are longer welcome around our granddaughter, yet after my son died they promised me she would always stay in my life. Another loss…..

peter.hobden   February 7, 2018 at 3:12 pm Reply

“perhaps I am a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a mother” Husband, Father, Brother?

peter.hobden   February 7, 2018 at 3:18 pm Reply

I notice that grief and loss articles on the internet are skewed towards women who have lost… in particular spouses or soulmates. Perhaps this is due to a misplaced impression in some that men should not suffer, or least keep quiet about it?

peter.hobden   February 7, 2018 at 3:23 pm Reply

Let me specify that your article touches me very strongly. I am not denigrating your WYG. On the contrary I appreciate it enormously.

Are the emotions of men Taboo in some way?

Tania Huff   February 1, 2018 at 9:01 pm Reply

Thank you for this excellent article! The comments are enlightening as well. I have lost a family a family member or friend at least once a year for the last ten years but it wasn’t until I lost my son 15 year old son 17 months ago that I got lost. I became an empty shell. A husk of a human. I just didn’t know how to describe it. I think this information will also help me understand what my husband and daughter are feeling. Thank you again.

Shay   February 1, 2018 at 1:33 pm Reply

I appreciate this article but it is so broad. Let me explain; I think that how our identity changes after a loss depends so much on WHO you have lost. I deal mostly with parents of loss and parents and families of suicide loss. I started two FB pages to help others who had been through what I had gone though after our daughter died. When a child dies, it is an occurrence so out of the ordinary in the actual scheme of things that it changes everything, including our identity. We are supposed to die before our children, and when we bury a child, our identity and entire life change forever. If we are not a mother, who are we and what is our purpose? If we are the matriarch of our family and suddenly a grown child dies and our grandchild or grandchildren are no longer such a big part of our life, that sense of loss, shock and confusion is overwhelming. Half of our family is suddenly not around the Thanksgiving table and that hurts–it changes who we are. There is the aspect, as well, that we should have been able to save our child. We have always been the parent, the protector, and now we are nothing–it simply knocks the air out of us. Parents always feel horrendous guilt and responsibility when a child dies. When it’s a case of suicide, the guilt is overwhelming. We no longer see ourselves as the perfect family that we worked so hard to create. Again, we feel like a failure no longer the successful family leader, the very together mother who can do it all, but we see ourselves in a completely different light. It takes years to come to grips with the loss and maybe the diminishing of the guilt. As adults, if things go normally, we will lose our parents and we have always known this. Losing a parent is never easy, but it is expected. When an adult child loses that last beloved parent, we often feel a bit “orphaned,” I know that I felt exactly that way–but we have our own family and children to keep us going, and we move forward without a lasting feeling of having been orphaned. Then there is the loss of a spouse. You made a very good point when you stated in the article that many women feel that “If I’m no longer a wife, who am I?” I think this feeling of such deep loss, especially if your partner was the love of your life from a young age, I have known women who were so lost–partially because they really didn’t know who they were at all any longer. It doesn’t help that women are usually older, retired and the children are grown, so being a wife was that last big thing left in their life. How frightening! I actually think about it often; how would I handle it if after nearly 50 years, retired with children grown, who would I be at all and how well would I deal with that loss–or would my own life be simply over? Lots to think about.

Devan Nambiar   January 31, 2018 at 7:54 pm Reply

Death changes everything that one thinks they know of or about. There is no permanence of anything in life. I have realized the rational mind has no place in life’s journeys. But we hang on to rational thoughts to process all the unknowns to have a foundation of sanity to continue on. In my experience of deaths in my personal life, we are constantly balancing thoughts to move on in some direction, to do the daily chores of life. I do not think there is an answer to who we are, or what our identity means and our identity does not shield us from pain, grief or loss. Death leaves us naked to be vulnerable-and sometimes one gets to see a glimpse of oneself without all the exterior walls around us that define our identities. And in time we may get to create another impermanent identity.

Melissa   January 31, 2018 at 9:50 am Reply

This was helpful to me in a different way because I’m experiencing a different kind of grief than that of losing someone through death. We adopted two children five years ago, and our son has attachment issues, developmental challenges, and explosive –sometimes violent–reactions to, well, just about everything. Parenting him has changed our lives. Changed who we are. We are grieving daily for the family life we thought we would have, incorporating seemingly endless therapy sessions, not being able to do family activities that we dreamed of doing, and juggling all of that with parenting his more typical younger half-sister–making sure she doesn’t miss opportunities because of everything we have to do for him. Anyway, we’re grieving. Grieving for a family life we dreamed of, grieving for the people we used to be, grieving over the ugliness in ourselves we’ve seen bubble to the surface in dealing with his issues. Very often I stop and think about how I no longer recognize myself. I’ve become this resentful, angry, exhausted, cynical person. Trying to rediscover the me that was joyful and light and creative and compassionate in the midst of the daily struggle. It feels like the grief will never end.

Julie   February 21, 2018 at 3:23 pm Reply

Melissa, Thanks for sharing your story – I came to this article as I am also trying to understand what has happened to me since becoming a mother with many unexpected life challenges. I identify with what you shared. I don’t want to miss out on these precious years with my children, yet I am constantly overwhelmed by the demands of parenting with an unhelpful world around me. I grieve…. I will be praying for you and “walking” with you through this difficult, dark season. At least we are both hoping and searching for better. Julie

Priscilla Taylor   January 30, 2018 at 6:41 pm Reply

I felt the biggest loss in identity, after my husband died, when I had to fill out my tax form the next year. We had no children so I couldn’t select Widowed with children but I didn’t consider myself single. I had to come to terms being a widow and now they wanted me to think it was synonymous with not having been married at all just because we didn’t have children. It still makes me sad and angry to think of it. Forms, not just tax forms, that ask for marital status should provide widow/widower as an option.

Dolores Mulligan   February 12, 2018 at 8:45 pm Reply

I feel exactly the same way you do – I am a widow. I was single when I was 21. My husband of 43 years passed away in Sept 2017. We did not have any children and now it is as if he never existed. Our joint bank accounts now are in my name only as well as the checks on the checking account. I am not a divorcee or a single person. I am a widow. I agree there should be additional categories when filing taxes and filling out a revised W4 form. It is difficult enough dealing with the loss of my soulmate and love of my life without having to stress over my new “status”.

Laura   January 30, 2018 at 5:28 pm Reply

It seems this article has really struck home for so many of us coping with multiple losses that have shaken us to the core. Losing the folks in my life first my brother, my mother, our family pet all within a few months left me without the supports that I had relied on without even realizing that they were my rocks. Thanks for some guidance in trying to take baby steps to establish new relationships, beliefs and hanging in there until a new identity evolves.

James Robert Deane   February 12, 2021 at 1:06 am Reply

2/12/21 ; 12;33 am hi Laura my name is James Deane im sorry to hear about your loss , i kind of have an idea where your comming from , my Dad died in 1965 i was maybe 8 yrs old my mom passed my brother passed 2 weeks later my wife died i found her at home in the bedroom on the floor comming home from work on Valentines day night 2018 3 of our Westie white Dogs died ,we were married 33 happy years my wife was my world ,and now ,, LIFE ,, whats it meaning how do we cope with such loss im lost in our house we bought together i always think of her im sad i stare alot, and think, im lonely not happy, i wanted to fine some one to talk to ,one woman said to me when i metioned about my wife ,oh we wont talk about that,with a smile i was SHOCKED people who dont know whats its like dont under stand ,and i was hurt by her ancer i think i need to fine some on who is much more sencetive who can understand the loss

Isabelle Siegel   February 17, 2021 at 1:13 pm

James, I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been forced to endure so many losses. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ I’m also sorry to hear that people haven’t been supportive of your emotions and needs. This is unfortunately all-too-common. You can read more about how to cope with this here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/people-say-the-wrong-thing-grief/ Perhaps you could speak to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/ . No matter what, please know that you are not alone. All the best to you.

Steve Peterson   January 30, 2018 at 2:21 pm Reply

I identify with the other comments . My wife and I were married at age 19 and she passed away 44 years later in bed with me during the early morning. She had been ill, and I had talked to a hospice nurse the day before. What I missed for a few months later was that my wife was my life cheerleader even though during my path through life experiences I was not much more than a mediocre person as measured by my internal ruler. She always had kind words for me, she always felt I was an exceptional person, she would thank me for being in her life. During the dozen years when I was a caretaker, relatives would think I was such a wonderful supporting husband. It sounds selfish to me to say that some of my loss is to my ego where I would make the best of adversity and be someone’s hero. I have accepted that death damages you the same as if running your car into the ditch and you hit your head on the windshield pillar. The car may still run down the road, but it may not steer so straight, be wobbly at normal speeds, and you may not remember where you were headed. I gave up my career about a year before her death. So now I am lost in the wilderness. I took a trip to New Zealand, and the excitement of that helped, but at least once a day I would think about how I was allowed to do that because I didn’t have to take my wife to a doctor at least 3 days a week. So who am I? What am I supposed to do now? I have children and grandchildren that I care for and care for me. I went to one grief counselor’s meeting, but it was painful, and I never returned. I think the most important thing to have at this point is hope that you will have chances to have meaningful positive impact on others. That is what fills the hole in my soul. I want to be a hero again. It sounds selfish to think of what I may get from helping others. I did get a small life insurance amount and I didn’t want to have a damn thing to do with that money, so after I deducted what the funeral cost which wasn’t much, I gave some to the school where my grandchildren attend (my wife was a teacher), I bought pizzas for the staff at a health care facility that treated my wife, I gave some to the church, and then I split the difference between my two children. You can see how I identify with the article. Thanks

Colleen Shonwise   January 30, 2018 at 1:12 pm Reply

Once again, a great article Litsa and Eleanor! Thank you for realistically and objectively discussing this aspect of grief and loss. Death changes so many things, and “identity” is a cornerstone or anchor of journey of grief that needs to be discussed. After death, it is common the survivor to be “left adrift” in the unrelenting dark storm of death. The anchor which once held them safe in there vessel, is now lost. Their boat broken loose, battered by the storms of loss, their lifeboat overturned and shattered by the storm of death. The unrelenting waves are tossing them to and fro without any sense of direction, purpose or many times, without hope. Their world has been capsized, their boat smashed to pieces, and many times, all thats left is a life preserver, if we are fortunate. Bits and pieces of a a life that was familiar and safe is now laying shattered around us. Sometimes we have life preserver, and there is a rope that someone grabs hold of, and we are pulled towards safety. Once safe aboard another boat, we are left shivering and lost, as we watch the pieces of our lives being swept away by the aftermath of the storm. We are numb and cold, suffering from “hypothermia”. It takes so much to figure out our new life on this new boat, its a whole new voyage heading in a different direction. One of the most difficult aspects to the new journey, is learning who we are, how do we fit, what direction do we go, or don’t go. What new dangers do we need to be aware of and avoid for survival. Who are the other passengers on this new voyage? Many times, they are others who have been through a similar storm and are looking for a port of safety and rest. A place where we can heal, recover, and rebuild. And our identity is one of the most important parts of recovering from the loss we have journeyed through. Who we are now, without reference to the one(s) who gave us reference, purpose, meaning, and direction. It is all new. Figuring out who we are is key to rebuilding our boat and setting sail again on the journey we call life.

Teresa hatton   February 8, 2018 at 11:47 am Reply

Beautifully written!! Colleen, You have made me feel that I am not alone in this turbulent sea of grief. Thank you so much for letting me see for the first time, that what I am going through is normal.

Ron   January 30, 2018 at 12:47 pm Reply

My experience is with the sudden death of our 20 year old son. He passed away in his sleep on Palm Sunday, March of 2016. He was so full of life the last evening we were together. He was going to college, working full time, and was making the arrangements to accomplish his goals. He was an Eagle Scout, a member of his high school state championship football team , and the picture of health. My baby boy… I came home that morning and found our son passed away. There is much more to share, however, there are sometimes no words sufficient to describe this and acknowledgement from others doesn’t often come. I just don’t understand… Your blog is a great read all around. It has been thought provoking and could benefit folks on both sides of the grid referred to as grief. -Thank you

Jaycie   January 30, 2018 at 11:43 am Reply

My mom was sick and stayed with us for treatments. Then she died. My father remarried almost immediately. (I am no longer a daughter) My husband got sick and I quit working to be his 24/7 caregiver. Then he died. (I am no longer a wife or a nurse – I can’t go back to that) My kids went off to college – one while he was still sick, the other right after he died. (I am no longer a mother). My church family treated me different when I was a widow so I no longer go there. (I have no church). I would love to say, like the last person to comment, that it has only been 18 months – but, for me, this floundering and not knowing who I am or what to do has been going on for 8 years this March.

Michelle   January 30, 2018 at 11:57 am Reply

That is a lot of loss for one person. Is there something/someone in your life right now that can be your anchor? That anchor can be the basis on which to build a new foundation. Your identity can be rebuilt, but it will look very different in this new phase. You can feel sad for all that you lost and happy to find yourself again. There is room for both. I wish you much love and happiness on your journey of discovery.

Steve Peterson   January 30, 2018 at 2:39 pm Reply

“Floundering” is a word I have used to describe my life path. Someone even mentioned an 18-month rule where for some reason at that point in time we who have had losses are somehow cured of the impact of the death. Really? I can’t wait to graduate from this life-changing event and get my DC –Degree in Confusion or hopefully Degree in Clarity. I am reminded of something I heard that gives me some comfort: “God gives his biggest battles to his strongest soldiers.” Maybe, we should be honored that we were chosen to help send home one of His children. I like to think so. I realize not everyone has the same religious beliefs as I do, but I think we were instrumental in helping them the same as doctors and nurses. Our medicine was just a little different.

Justin Crowe   January 30, 2018 at 11:41 am Reply

Grief is often associated exclusively with loss and this article does a fantastic job of laying out death a catalyst for change which results in grief – not the cause of the grief in and of itself. There are many causes for feeling grief. I think it helps to differentiate depression, which feels infinite, from grief, which is understood as temporary. This differentiation doesn’t solve anything but can at least help rationalize this state as impermanent and less grim. Great article. Thank you!

Mary Ann   January 30, 2018 at 11:06 am Reply

This article certainly speaks to me. My Mom died after I had been her caregiver for 7 years. During that time my husband’s health begin to decline. Today I am struggling with who I am after my husband of 29 years died. He was ill for several years. I retired a year early to be with him. I became his caregiver as he became more and more ill and required more assistance. Our roles changed during that time. Now 18 months later I am floundering with who I am and what to do with myself.

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• School Education /

Essay on Myself: 100 Words, 250 Words and 300 Words

• Updated on  
• Mar 12, 2024

Every Individual is different from each other and it is important to self-analyze and know about yourself. Only you can know everything about yourself. But, when it comes to describing yourself in front of others many students fail to do so. This happens due to the confusion generated by a student’s mind regarding what things to include in their description. This confusion never arises when someone is told to give any opinion about others. This blog will help students and children resolve the confusion and it also includes an essay on myself. 

While writing an “essay on myself” you should have a unique style so that the reader would engage in your essay. It’s important to induce the urge to know about you in the reader then only you can perform well in your class. I would suggest you include your qualities, strengths, achievements, interests, and passion in your essay. Continue Reading for Essays on myself for children and students!

Quick Read: Essay on Best Friend

Table of Contents

• 1 Long and Short Essay on Myself for Students
• 2 Tips to Write Essay on Myself
• 3 100 Words Essay on Myself
• 4 250 Words Essay on Myself
• 5 10 Lines on Myself Essay for Children
• 6 300 Words Essay on Myself

Quick Read: Trees are Our Best Friend Essay

Long and Short Essay on Myself for Students

Mentioned below are essays on myself with variable word limits. You can choose the essay that you want to present in your class. These essays are drafted in simple language so that school students can easily understand. In addition, the main point to remember while writing an essay on myself is to be honest. Your honesty will help you connect with the reader.

Tell me about yourself is also one of the most important questions asked in the interview process. Therefore, this blog is very helpful for people who want to learn about how to write an essay on myself.

Tips to Write Essay on Myself

Given below are some tips to write an essay on myself:

• Prepare a basic outline of what to include in the essay about yourself.
• Stick to the structure to maintain fluency.
• Be honest to build a connection with the reader.
• Use simple language.
• Try to include a crisp and clear conclusion.

100 Words Essay on Myself

I am a dedicated person with an urge to learn and grow. My name is Rakul, and I feel life is a journey that leads to self-discovery. I belong to a middle-class family, my father is a handloom businessman, and my mother is a primary school teacher .

I have learned punctuality and discipline are the two wheels that drive our life on a positive path. My mother is my role model. I am passionate about reading novels. When I was younger, my grandmother used to narrate stories about her life in the past and that has built my interest towards reading stories and novels related to history.

Overall I am an optimistic person who looks forward to life as a subject that teaches us values and ways to live for the upliftment of society.

Also Read: Speech on Discipline

250 Words Essay on Myself

My name is Ayushi Singh but my mother calls me “Ayu”. I turned 12 years old this August and I study in class 7th. I have an elder sister named Aishwarya. She is like a second mother to me. I have a group of friends at school and out of them Manvi is my best friend. She visits my house at weekends and we play outdoor games together. I believe in her and I can share anything with her.

Science and technology fascinate me so I took part in an interschool science competition in which my team of 4 girls worked on a 3-D model of the earth representing past, present, and future. It took us a week to finish off the project and we presented the model at Ghaziabad school. We were competing against 30 teams and we won the competition.

I was confident and determined about the fact that we could win because my passion helped me give my 100% input in the task. Though I have skills in certain subjects I don’t have to excel in everything, I struggle to perform well in mathematics . And to enhance my problem-solving skills I used to study maths 2 hours a day. 

I wanted to become a scientist, and being punctual and attentive are my characteristics as I never arrive late for school. Generally, I do my work on my own so that I inculcate the value of being an independent person. I always help other people when they are in difficult situations. 

Also Read: Essay on the Importance of the Internet

10 Lines on Myself Essay for Children

Here are 10 lines on myself essay for children. Feel free to add them to similar essay topics.

• My name is Ananya Rathor and I am 10 years old.
• I like painting and playing with my dog, Todo.
• Reading animal books is one of my favourite activities.
• I love drawing and colouring to express my imagination.
• I always find joy in spending time outdoors, feeling the breeze on my face.
• I love dancing to Indian classical music.
• I’m always ready for an adventure, whether it’s trying a new hobby or discovering interesting facts.
• Animals are my friends, and I enjoy spending time with pets or observing nature’s creatures.
• I am a very kind person and I respect everyone.
• All of my school teachers love me.

300 Words Essay on Myself

My name is Rakul. I believe that every individual has unique characteristics which distinguish them from others. To be unique you must have an extraordinary spark or skill. I live with my family and my family members taught me to live together, adjust, help others, and be humble. Apart from this, I am an energetic person who loves to play badminton.

I have recently joined Kathak classes because I have an inclination towards dance and music, especially folk dance and classical music. I believe that owing to the diversity of our country India, it offers us a lot of opportunities to learn and gain expertise in various sectors.

My great-grandfather was a classical singer and he also used to play several musical instruments. His achievements and stories have inspired me to learn more about Indian culture and make him proud. 

I am a punctual and studious person because I believe that education is the key to success. Academic excellence could make our careers shine bright. Recently I secured second position in my class and my teachers and family members were so proud of my achievement. 

I can manage my time because my mother taught me that time waits for no one. It is important to make correct use of time to succeed in life. If we value time, then only time will value us. My ambition in life is to become a successful gynaecologist and serve for human society.

Hence, these are the qualities that describe me the best. Though no one can present themselves in a few words still I tried to give a brief about myself through this essay. In my opinion, life is meant to be lived with utmost happiness and an aim to serve humanity. Thus, keep this in mind, I will always try to help others and be the best version of myself.

Also Read: Essay on Education System

A. Brainstorm Create a format Stick to the format Be vulnerable Be honest Figure out what things to include Incorporate your strengths, achievements, and future goals into the essay

A. In an essay, you can use words like determined, hardworking, punctual, sincere, and objective-oriented to describe yourself in words.

A. Use simple and easy language. Include things about your family, career, education, and future goals. Lastly, add a conclusion paragraph.

This was all about an essay on myself. The skill of writing an essay comes in handy when appearing for standardized language tests. Thinking of taking one soon? Leverage Live provides the best online test prep for the same. Register today and if you wish to study abroad then contact our experts at 1800572000 .

Kajal Thareja

Hi, I am Kajal, a pharmacy graduate, currently pursuing management and is an experienced content writer. I have 2-years of writing experience in Ed-tech (digital marketing) company. I am passionate towards writing blogs and am on the path of discovering true potential professionally in the field of content marketing. I am engaged in writing creative content for students which is simple yet creative and engaging and leaves an impact on the reader's mind.

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Home / Essay Samples / Life / About Myself / Self Discovery: My Journey to Understanding Myself and the World Around

Self Discovery: My Journey to Understanding Myself and the World Around

• Category: Life
• Topic: About Myself , Personal Goals , Personal Growth and Development

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