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Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse Paperback – 8 Jan. 2019

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This book addresses and provides crucial guidance on topics and conditions like: complex PTSD, Narcissistic abuse, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Codependency, Core wounding, toxic shame, Borderline Personality Disorder, and so many more. Whole Again offers hope and multiple strategies to anyone who has survived a toxic relationship, as well as anyone suffering the effects of a breakup involving lying, cheating and other forms of abuse--to release old wounds and safely let the love back inside where it belongs.

• ISBN-10 0143133314
• ISBN-13 978-0143133315
• Publisher Penguin Publishing Group
• Publication date 8 Jan. 2019
• Language English
• Dimensions 13.97 x 1.96 x 20.83 cm
• Print length 304 pages
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• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Penguin Publishing Group (8 Jan. 2019)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 304 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0143133314
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0143133315
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 13.97 x 1.96 x 20.83 cm
• 2,048 in Higher Education of Biological Sciences

About the author

Jackson mackenzie.

Jackson is a young gay guy who loves cats and Christmas. He works with a tech company in New England, and spends most of his free time hiking and taking bubble baths.

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Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse Paperback – Jan. 8 2019

Purchase options and add-ons

• Print length 304 pages
• Language English
• Publisher TarcherPerigee
• Publication date Jan. 8 2019
• Dimensions 13.97 x 1.96 x 20.83 cm
• ISBN-10 0143133314
• ISBN-13 978-0143133315
• See all details

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Product description

About the author, product details.

• Publisher ‏ : ‎ TarcherPerigee (Jan. 8 2019)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 304 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0143133314
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0143133315
• Item weight ‏ : ‎ 1.05 kg
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 13.97 x 1.96 x 20.83 cm
• #23 in Psychology of Communication
• #26 in Personality Disorders
• #42 in Marriage & Family

About the author

Jackson mackenzie.

Jackson is a young gay guy who loves cats and Christmas. He works with a tech company in New England, and spends most of his free time hiking and taking bubble baths.

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Review: “Whole Again” a useful primer on healing

Amanda Hernandez , Reporter September 30, 2022

“Whole Again” by Jackson Mackenzie ( TarcherPerigee 2019) discusses the healing process from emotional abuse, back to a healthy state of being.

He makes it very clear that in order to heal, you need to first know how you ended up in an abusive relationship in the first place. This is where he dives deep into the difference between those with personality disorders and those with Cluster-B personalities. He illustrates exactly how and why they are attracted to each other.

Interestingly, both types of personalities grew up in some sort of dysfunction, yet their coping mechanisms for dealing with it were completely different.

Additionally, Mackenzie has illustrations in the book to show this idea of the sense of self.

Often, our authentic sense of self is protected by a barrier that was created around us when we were children who had to deal with trauma or other situations in which there was no control.

Learning about the protective sense of self will give the reader a lot of insight into their own behaviors and personality.

It even goes as far as helping you understand why you seek out the type of people that you do.

In part two, Mackenzie writes, “when our true selves are rejected, betrayed, or abused by a trusted loved one and we don’t yet have the emotional tools to heal, it’s common for a protective self to form.”

As the book progresses, it continues to give examples of both personality types, and real-life scenarios about just how damaging these relationships can be on one’s emotional health.

However, the entire purpose of the book is to bring understanding to survivors and to find the pathway to healing from this form of abuse.

Mackenzie suffered through emotional abuse himself, and he explains exactly how he recovered.

Personally, I found the book very useful. It was easy to read, and it kept me turning the pages over and over again.

However, there are some concepts that are hard to understand because we have never been conscious of them, so there are times I had to re-read certain pages to understand the reality of what Mackenzie was trying to get across.

A lot of other readers really felt like this book was necessary to read in their healing process. One Amazon review says, “Stumbled upon this book. Once I started reading, I had a hard time finding stopping points. Each section seemed to speak to my broken self, my broken heart. Anxious to find the point where the heart becomes whole again, I read the entire book in three days.”

“Whole Again” has been a game changer in the way some have viewed their recovery journey, and brought more self-awareness. The book ranges $12 – $18, depending where you purchase it. It is available at Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Target and on Audible.

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Look Inside

Whole Again

Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse

By Jackson MacKenzie Foreword by Shannon Thomas

By jackson mackenzie read by kaleo griffith and erin spencer foreword by shannon thomas, category: psychology | self-improvement & inspiration, category: psychology | self-improvement & inspiration | audiobooks.

Jan 08, 2019 | ISBN 9780143133315 | 5-1/2 x 8-1/4 --> | ISBN 9780143133315 --> Buy

Jan 08, 2019 | ISBN 9780525505082 | ISBN 9780525505082 --> Buy

Jan 08, 2019 | 503 Minutes | ISBN 9780525642459 --> Buy

Buy from Other Retailers:

Jan 08, 2019 | ISBN 9780143133315

Jan 08, 2019 | ISBN 9780525505082

Jan 08, 2019 | ISBN 9780525642459

503 Minutes

Buy the Audiobook Download:

• audiobooks.com

About Whole Again

From a leading voice on recovering from toxic relationships, a deeply insightful guide to getting back to your “old self” again–in order to truly heal and move on. Jackson MacKenzie has helped millions of people in their struggle to understand the experience of toxic relationships. His first book,  Psychopath Free , explained how to identify and survive the immediate situation. In this highly anticipated new book, he guides readers on what to do next–how to fully heal from abuse in order to find love and acceptance for the self and others. Through his close work with–and deep connection to–thousands of survivors of abusive relationships Jackson discovered that most survivors have symptoms of trauma long after the relationship is over. These range from feelings of numbness and emptiness to depression, perfectionism, substance abuse, and many more. But he’s also found that it is possible to work through these symptoms and find love on the other side, and this book shows how. Through a practice of mindfulness, introspection, and exercises using specific tools, readers learn to identify the protective self they’ve developed – and uncover the core self, so that they can finally move on to live a full and authentic life–to once again feel light, free, and whole, and ready to love again.   This book addresses and provides crucial guidance on topics and conditions like: complex PTSD, Narcissistic abuse, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Codependency, Core wounding, toxic shame, Borderline Personality Disorder, and so many more.   Whole Again  offers hope and multiple strategies to anyone who has survived a toxic relationship, as well as anyone suffering the effects of a breakup involving lying, cheating and other forms of abuse–to release old wounds and safely let the love back inside where it belongs.

From a leading voice on recovering from toxic relationships, a deeply insightful guide to getting back to your “old self” again–in order to truly heal and move on. Jackson MacKenzie has helped millions of readers in their struggle to understand the experience of toxic relationships. His first book, Psychopath Free , explained how to identify and survive the immediate situation. In this highly anticipated new audiobook, he guides listeners on what to do next–how to fully heal from abuse in order to find love and acceptance for the self and others. Through his work with thousands of survivors of abusive relationships, Jackson discovered that survivors frequently have symptoms of trauma lasting long after the relationship is over. These may include feelings of numbness and emptiness, depression, mood swings, isolation, perfectionism, rumination, caretaking and people-pleasing, a need for control, physical maladies, substance abuse, and more. But he also found that it is possible to work through these symptoms and find fulfillment and love on the other side. In Whole Again , he shares insights and tools for working through the protective self we’ve developed, so that we can finally move on to live a full and authentic life–to once again feel light, free, whole, and ready to give and receive love. Like Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection and John Bradshaw’s Healing the Shame that Binds You , Whole Again offers hope and multiple strategies to anyone who has survived a toxic relationship, as well as anyone suffering the effects of a breakup involving lying, cheating and other forms of abuse–to release old wounds and safely let the love back inside where it belongs.

Listen to a sample from Whole Again

Also by jackson mackenzie.

About Jackson MacKenzie

Jackson MacKenzie is the co-founder of PsychopathFree.com, an online support community that reaches millions of abuse survivors each month. Driven by personal experience, his mission is to spread awareness and give survivors a safe place to validate their experiences, so… More about Jackson MacKenzie

Product Details

Category: psychology | self-improvement & inspiration, category: psychology | self-improvement & inspiration | audiobooks, you may also like.

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• Dec 6, 2023

Book Review: "Whole Again" by Jackson MacKenzie

I can't believe that it took me so long to review this book but I had to read it one more time before I did! Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie is the only book besides one that I have read more than once, so it's a big deal!

This read helped me identify some of the ramifications of emotional trauma and gently guided me back to myself. I think that if you have experienced a broken heart of any kind, then you need to read this book!

In this article, I review Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie. Tap play to see my entertaining Book Review . Be sure to also subscribe to be automatically entered to win FREE tea/books/stuff during Tea End Blog Give-Aways . Already subscribed? Tell a friend!

Title: Whole Again

Page Count: 304

Author: Jackson MacKenzie

Published Date: 2019

Publishing Company: J.P. Tarcher & Perigee Books

Type: Paperback

SIX COMPONENTS:

Deconstructing the protect self.

"In order to make progres with the underlying wound, we first need to deconstruct the protectie self. Otherwise our healing will till be done through the controllign and distracting lens of the protective self, and we will find ourselves looping in circles. The protective self encourages this infinite loop so that it can remain in control. It keeps ou on a completely different emotional "wavelength" from the pain. In order to return to that wavelength, we must be willing to slow down our lives, distractions, and thought proesses."

( Whole Again , pg. 133 ¶ 1)

Beyond Numbness: The emotional pain that you felt in the past that caused your brokeness is most likely no longer an actual painful feeling. It is most likely being covered by numbness, boredom, aching, tightness, void, or another numbing sensation. Find this sensation in your body and start paying attention to it.

Focus on the Internal: The protective self wants you to focus on the external because it keeps you away from your feelings. Focus on what's going on inside of your body at any given time, especially when you're feeling the urge to relieve boredom. You will need to use mildfullness and daily practice to decline external focus on and to slow down to focus on what's going on inside.

Get Rid of Resentment: Resentment, a natural reaction to betrayal and pain, tightens the lock of the protective self that prevents you from being yourself. You must let go of any resentment by identifying what the person did to hurt you, acknowledging that the resentment is there, and then exploring the thoughts and feelings of you actually being better off without the resentment.

Inentional Triggers: You must start facing your triggers as they are helpful in identifying what needs to be healed. Start by imagining the place, song, person, picture, or memory that make you feel a discomfort that usually forces you to act, stay in your body, and try to feel and "look" beyond your fear.

Face Fear & Anxiety: The protective self will most likely not present the true wound to you at first but it most likely will appear as fear and dread. Fear can help you get back into your body and start feeling again. Don't be worried if you are experiencing depression and anxiety while you're allowing the fear to come up in your body. Use mindfulness to remember that although your feelings are real, they are not true.

Accept the Core Wound: Once you stop running away from your feelings, eventually the core wound will be revealed to you. It will show up in negative thinking but you need to embrace it, sit with it, and hold it close.

C-PTSD VS. BPD

The symptoms of C-PTSD and Bipolar Disorder are similar and sometimes can be mistaken, one for the other. Here is a list of symptoms that a C-PTSD sufferer might exhibit:

Mood shifts

Low self-worth

Feeling disconnected

Episodes of rage

Impulsiveness

Unstable sense of self (lack of identity)

Unstable relationships (extreme idealization and devaluation)

Frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Doing this Book Review honeslty made me want to read this book for a third time and don't be surprised if you feel the urge to pick it up more than once. Whole Again changed my life and the information in this book was so invaluable in helping me come back to myself after emotional and physical trauma. If you're thinking about reading it and become a whole version of yourself again, then stop thinking about it, just purchase Whole Again and start reading it as soon as possible!

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Why do you want to be whole again?

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Comentários

Whole Again

Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse

Jackson MacKenzie and Shannon Thomas | 4.51 | 588 ratings and reviews

Ranked #17 in Codependency , Ranked #22 in Borderline Personality Disorder — see more rankings .

Rankings by Category

Whole Again is ranked in the following categories:

• #99 in Assertiveness
• #23 in Free Will

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WHOLE AGAIN

From the hometown heroes series , vol. 1.

by Colleen S. Myers ‧ RELEASE DATE: May 27, 2017

An often entertaining, if predictable, tale featuring mainstays of Southern romances—war veterans, delicate blondes, and the...

In Myers’ ( Rael , 2016, etc.) romance, the first of a planned trilogy, a newly divorced socialite can’t wait to start over and live according to her own rules—but then a killer tries to take it all away.

Vicki grew up in a wealthy family and married into another; as a result, she’s grown to feel that all of her decisions in her life have been made for her. After she catches her husband in bed with another woman, she files for divorce. Now settled in a new apartment, Vicki decides it’s time to find work. Despite the novel’s attempts to showcase Vicki as independent, she winds up in a position with the landscaping company that her family owns. But on the day of the interview, a run-in with an old high school crush sends her revamped world spiraling into unknown territory. This meeting is one of many occurrences in the story that are a little too serendipitous and predictable, and the same could be said of John Lawrence himself, who is, of course, tall, dark, and handsome. He’s also a former Marine with an honorable discharge after being injured in combat; it soon becomes clear he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough to have a relationship with Vicki because he’s an amputee. It takes a series of escalating crimes against the young woman by an unknown assailant, from a tire-slashing to outright physical assault, for John’s protective instincts to kick in. But can he save doe-eyed Vicki from the mystery person hell-bent on doing her harm? Myers’ romance is fast-paced and entertaining even if the main character has rather delicate sensibilities at times. Thankfully, Vicki’s grandmother Joonie, who’s smart, funny, and confident, is more engaging; the only time readers really see Vicki let loose is when she and Joonie get tipsy at a senior-citizen costume party. The night ends with Vicki pouring a drink on her grandma and getting smacked with a wig in return. Let’s hope in the planned sequel that Vicki inherits more of Joonie’s personality.

Pub Date: May 27, 2017

ISBN: 978-1-5453-6287-7

Page Count: 188

Publisher: CreateSpace

Review Posted Online: May 30, 2017

Review Program: Kirkus Indie

GENERAL FICTION

Share your opinion of this book

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD

by Harper Lee ‧ RELEASE DATE: July 11, 1960

A first novel, this is also a first person account of Scout's (Jean Louise) recall of the years that led to the ending of a mystery, the breaking of her brother Jem's elbow, the death of her father's enemy — and the close of childhood years. A widower, Atticus raises his children with legal dispassion and paternal intelligence, and is ably abetted by Calpurnia, the colored cook, while the Alabama town of Maycomb, in the 1930's, remains aloof to their divergence from its tribal patterns. Scout and Jem, with their summer-time companion, Dill, find their paths free from interference — but not from dangers; their curiosity about the imprisoned Boo, whose miserable past is incorporated in their play, results in a tentative friendliness; their fears of Atticus' lack of distinction is dissipated when he shoots a mad dog; his defense of a Negro accused of raping a white girl, Mayella Ewell, is followed with avid interest and turns the rabble whites against him. Scout is the means of averting an attack on Atticus but when he loses the case it is Boo who saves Jem and Scout by killing Mayella's father when he attempts to murder them. The shadows of a beginning for black-white understanding, the persistent fight that Scout carries on against school, Jem's emergence into adulthood, Calpurnia's quiet power, and all the incidents touching on the children's "growing outward" have an attractive starchiness that keeps this southern picture pert and provocative. There is much advance interest in this book; it has been selected by the Literary Guild and Reader's Digest; it should win many friends.

Pub Date: July 11, 1960

ISBN: 0060935464

Page Count: 323

Publisher: Lippincott

Review Posted Online: Oct. 7, 2011

Kirkus Reviews Issue: July 1, 1960

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BOOK REVIEW

by Harper Lee

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SEEN & HEARD

THE CATCHER IN THE RYE

by J.D. Salinger ‧ RELEASE DATE: June 15, 1951

A strict report, worthy of sympathy.

A violent surfacing of adolescence (which has little in common with Tarkington's earlier, broadly comic, Seventeen ) has a compulsive impact.

"Nobody big except me" is the dream world of Holden Caulfield and his first person story is down to the basic, drab English of the pre-collegiate. For Holden is now being bounced from fancy prep, and, after a vicious evening with hall- and roommates, heads for New York to try to keep his latest failure from his parents. He tries to have a wild evening (all he does is pay the check), is terrorized by the hotel elevator man and his on-call whore, has a date with a girl he likes—and hates, sees his 10 year old sister, Phoebe. He also visits a sympathetic English teacher after trying on a drunken session, and when he keeps his date with Phoebe, who turns up with her suitcase to join him on his flight, he heads home to a hospital siege. This is tender and true, and impossible, in its picture of the old hells of young boys, the lonesomeness and tentative attempts to be mature and secure, the awful block between youth and being grown-up, the fright and sickness that humans and their behavior cause the challenging, the dramatization of the big bang. It is a sorry little worm's view of the off-beat of adult pressure, of contemporary strictures and conformity, of sentiment….

Pub Date: June 15, 1951

ISBN: 0316769177

Page Count: -

Publisher: Little, Brown

Review Posted Online: Nov. 2, 2011

Kirkus Reviews Issue: June 15, 1951

More by J.D. Salinger

by J.D. Salinger

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Book Summary: The Power of One More by Ed Mylett.

• Change Your Standards, Change Your Life.
• The Company You Keep.
• Tune Out the Noise.
• Conquer Thy Self.
• Intensity Expands Capacity.
• One More Try.

Book Summary: The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin.

Book summary -whole again by jackson mackenzie..

In Whole Again, author and co-founder of PsychopathFree.com, Jackson MacKenzie describes strategies for healing and surviving a toxic relationship. The book addresses and provides guidance on topics and conditions like  complex PTSD, Cluster-B Disorder, Narcissistic abuse, Avoidant Personality Disorder, perfectionism, trauma , attachment disorders, Codependency, Core wounding, toxic shame, Borderline Personality Disorder , or the aftermath of an abusive relationship.

  Whole Again   offers hope and multiple strategies to anyone who has survived a toxic relationship, as well as anyone suffering the effects of a breakup involving lying, cheating and other forms of abuse–to release old wounds and safely let the love back inside where it belongs.

Favourite Takeaways – Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie.

The Fracture – false shame message

Human wholeness is often defined as the unity of mind, body, and spirit. Emotional abuse, rejection, and trauma fracture this union, because a false shame message gets stored in our body that disconnects us from the sense of being unconditionally loved.

Here’s how it happens:

Step 1: You start out joyful and whole, able to freely love (and receive love). This is how we all start out. Some people don’t ever recall feeling like this, and that’s okay.

Step 2: You experience betrayal, trauma, abandonment, judgment, or rejection from a trusted loved one. There is considerable emotional chaos, a loss of control.

Step 3: A false internal shame conclusion is formed from the external experience of Step 2. “I am defective and somehow caused this to occur, because I am ___________ [inadequate, worthless, crazy, et cetera].” This belief of inner defectiveness blocks you from your true self—your inner source of life and joy, the sense of being unconditionally loved. This separation is extremely painful. (This is also called the Core Wound, the False Core, the Narcissistic Wound, or Toxic Shame.)

Step 4: In order to protect you from being consumed by this pain, your body numbs it away (in the heart, stomach, throat, pelvis, and the like). This can manifest as emptiness, boredom, numbness, tightness, voids, aching, and more.

Step 5: A protective self takes over to disprove and distract from the pain. Its primary purpose is control and avoidance: to keep you numb and prevent the same pain from occurring again. Unable to generate joy from the true self, the protective self relies heavily upon external measures of worth to keep itself alive. It is “who you are”—how you view the world, even the lens through which you approach healing. (This is also called the False Self or the Ego.)

unresolved message

The root of so much emotional trauma and resulting behavior is this unresolved message living in the body, numbed from consciousness, and subsequently blocking our ability to attach and to experience genuine love.

What usually happens with a wound is that it’s given to you, your body accidentally believes its message, you hate this person, and spend the rest of your life proving you’re not what they said you are. Basically you become the opposite of your wound.

• Perfectionists secretly believe they are imperfect and deeply flawed.
• Codependents secretly believe they are worthless and never enough.
• Borderlines secretly feel they don’t exist, so they are constantly trying to prove their existence (drama, temper, overly emotional).
• Avoidants secretly believe they have no value, so they find it elsewhere.
• Sociopaths believe they are powerless, so they seek to dominate and seduce others.

 “The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.” – Carl Jung

The protective self

The protective self convinces us there is nothing wrong with us, that we’ve figured it all out. It says: “The problem was caused by external events, and the solution will be found in external things.” It is often disguised in an innocent, childlike, confident, cheerful, victimized, or heroic way. This illusion keeps us stuck in the same patterns. While it’s true that there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with us, the protective self is blocking us from experiencing the wounded feelings that actually need to hear that message.

• Perfectionists use it to become what they think an ideal spiritual person should look like, eternally seeking to be “good enough” for spiritual love.
• Codependents use it to dismiss their own needs and emotions, deciding they must rescue and help even more people in order to achieve selfless sainthood.
• Narcissists use it to start cults and show others how worldly and wise they are.
• Borderlines use it to seek sympathy and validation from a higher power for their poor decisions, and then feel betrayed when their decisions inevitably backfire.
• Avoidants use it to stay lost in their imagination, viewing their own healing through the lens of invented characters.

“There is really only one way to diminish the protective self: stop feeding it. Instead we need to feel what’s there when we don’t indulge it.”

Buried Feelings

As your buried feelings come out, they’re likely to be pretty unpleasant: inadequacy, anger, jealousy, rejection, self-doubt, shame. Instead of turning away from these difficult feelings, we need to welcome them with open arms. This won’t be easy at first because your brain is used to thinking in a certain way, but you can rewire it with new habits and daily practice. Every time you try non-judgmentally to allow a feeling to exist (instead of analyzing it to death), it will melt a bit more, like an ice cube, and eventually wash away.

“Stop playing therapist with others. Imagine what you would feel without the approval and appreciation of others. Notice your fantasies about saving people and direct your thoughts inward. Sit instead with the feeling of “blocked up.”

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is not about clearing your thoughts, but simply noticing what’s going on in a non-judgmental way. Identifying our own behaviors and habits is one of the most difficult things to do, because our behaviors are so familiar to us that they seem normal.

Mindfulness helps us become aware of our default thinking patterns, so we can start to realize how we think. The goal is not to try to stop thoughts or feelings we don’t like, but instead to allow them to be there—without judging, changing, or avoiding them. This lets you build a friendly, curious relationship with the stuff going on inside your body and mind, even the stuff that feels awful.

It’s not your job to manage the emotions of others. It’s an exhausting role that may offer temporary bursts of self-worth, but ultimately will drain the life out of you.

M ore body, less story.

The mind’s default protective reaction is to focus on the story. Many people dealing with trauma can repeat their story a million times in crystal-clear detail. With mindfulness, we want to shift away from the story and start focusing on the sensations in our body. As we do this, we may try to create stories around the sensation (“I must feel this sensation because of X happening in my childhood or because of Y relationship”). Again, just use your mindfulness to become aware of that storytelling, and begin making the slow move toward body awareness.

“Stop focusing so much on your partner and begin expending some of that same energy on your own feelings. Don’t spend so much time analyzing the behaviors of someone whose behavior has nothing to do with you. Instead, explore the ball of dread and numbness in your own body.”

“JADE” stands for “justify, argue, defend, explain.”

Al-Anon is a program for partners of addicts and alcoholics, but many of their resources apply to manipulative relationships as well. If you go to an Al-Anon meeting, you’ll probably hear someone say “Don’t JADE!” The term “JADE” stands for “justify, argue, defend, explain.” When you try to defend yourself against a false accusation, you legitimize it by even acknowledging it. The only way to respond to these tactics is to stand up and walk away.

R.A.I.N., which stands for “recognize, allow, investigate, and nonidentification.”

Tara Brach and many other Buddhists teach a great mindfulness method called R.A.I.N., which stands for “recognize, allow, investigate, and nonidentification.” These steps allow you to recognize when a new uncomfortable emotion is experienced, and allow that emotion to be experienced (rather than trying to make it go away). The more time you spend investigating it with kindness, the more in tune you become with your body, rather than constantly splitting onto a different wavelength. It doesn’t feel good, but that is okay, because you are able to start un-identifying with it. Yes, it is real, but it is not necessarily true.

Resentment is the natural reaction to betrayal and pain, so please do not judge yourself for carrying it. The key is discovering what lives behind the resentment. We don’t resent people unless there was a great deal of pain involved. If a random stranger insults you on the sidewalk, you don“t spend months or years ruminating about it. You only do that when you feel hurt or betrayed by someone you love, trust, and care for.

“Don’t focus on their hurtful behavior, but instead the feelings it brought out in you. You cannot release resentment with your mind. You cannot think your way out of this problem. Instead, you need to gain the tool you don’t have: Soothing. Love. ”

Toxic Shame

Toxic shame is the feeling that we are somehow inherently defective, that something is wrong with our being. Guilt is “I made a mistake, I did something wrong.” Shame is “I’m a mistake, something is wrong with me.” At the core of our wounding is the unbearable emotional pain resulting from having internalized the false message that we are not loved because we are personally defective and shameful.—ROBERT BURNEY

Shame itself is not inherently a bad emotion. Shame can be helpful to identify when you’ve done something wrong and motivate you to reconcile it (and avoid doing it again in the future). The problem is when shame goes from an emotion to an identity. Instead of “you’ve done something bad,” the message becomes “you are bad.” This is toxic shame, and this is how we end up rejecting our true selves.

This doesn’t happen on purpose, it’s just a coping mechanism when a trusted loved one rejects or harms us in a very confusing way. Even if we point our fingers and say, “No, you’re bad!” the damage is already done. The core belief lives inside of us, and no matter how many people tell us we’re good, we don’t believe it.

The problem with shame is that we have absorbed incorrect conclusions about ourselves, based on the past actions or reactions of a trusted loved one. These conclusions tend to be quite intense and persistent, with a nagging voice that they are the ultimate truth, and anything else we tell ourselves is just a lie to make ourselves feel better.

Cluster-B Survivor and Self-Doubt – Self-Gaslighting

Even if you do everything “right,” it will still never be enough. Because no matter what you do, the disordered person still has their inner agitation (which you have no control over). And they blame their inner discomfort on external factors, because that’s how the disorder works.”

These behaviors, on behalf of the disordered person you were in a relationship with, are indicative of serious psychological damage, and they can only be resolved through long-term intensive self work. You cannot reason with or help another person out of this mind-set. Please do not allow them to erode your self-worth with these games, worsening your inner belief of “never enough.” They want you to doubt yourself, because people who doubt themselves are the only people who would ever stick around for their behavior.

“Abusers gaslight with such confidence and conviction that it can actually become your own inner voice. It will greatly hinder any progress you make, because you will second-guess your own emotions and instincts. This leads to needing constant external validation, repeating your story to anyone who will listen, but it’s still not enough. Deep down you don’t believe yourself.”

Gaslighting implants a constant self-doubting voice inside survivors, causing them to question their every move, interaction, and thought. This is an extremely exhausting way to exist and will eventually lead to anxiety and depression. It also makes them vulnerable to more gaslighting, because their defenses have weakened, and the best gaslighting victims are those who doubt themselves.

Forgiveness as a manipulation tool

Predators, abusers, and cults love to use “forgiveness” as a tool to guilt-trip you into giving them another chance. To manipulate you into taking the blame for their own wrongdoings. To prove that you’re both “equally as bad.” To shame you for legitimate anger you may carry over mistreatment. To wag their fingers at you and patronize you for not being able to “let go” of the past (as opposed to them taking responsibility for their inappropriate behavior).

“This type of sanctimonious forgiveness is manipulative and predatory. Do not give second chances to people who express no remorse for their mistreatment of you. Do not give second chances to people who express remorse but continue the same harmful behavior. Do not accept another person forgiving you for crimes you did not commit.”

All the Best in your quest to get Better. Don’t Settle: Live with Passion.

Lifelong Learner | Entrepreneur | Digital Strategist at Reputiva LLC | Marathoner | Bibliophile [email protected] | [email protected]

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