college essay about toxic friends

French teenagers on a boat in the Seine river, Paris, 1988. Photo by David Alan Harvey/Magnum

Bad friends

Even the best of friends can fill you with tension and make you sick. why does friendship so readily turn toxic.

by Carlin Flora   + BIO

Think of a time when you sat across from a friend and felt truly understood. Deeply known. Maybe you sensed how she was bringing out your ‘best self’, your cleverest observations and wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She listened, articulated one of your patterns, and then gently suggested how you might shift it for the better. The two of you gossiped about your mutual friends, skipped between shared memories, and delved into cherished subjects in a seamlessly scripted exchange full of shorthand and punctuated with knowing expressions. Perhaps you felt a warm swell of admiration for her, and a simultaneous sense of pride in your similarity to her. You felt deep satisfaction to be valued by someone you held in such high regard: happy, nourished and energised through it all.

These are the friendships that fill our souls, and bolster and shape our identities and life paths. They have also been squeezed into social science labs enough times for us to know that they keep us mentally and physically healthy: good friends improve immunity , spark creativity , drop our blood pressure , ward off dementia among the elderly , and even decrease our chances of dying at any given time. If you feel you can’t live without your friends, you’re not being melodramatic.

But even our easiest and richest friendships can be laced with tensions and conflicts, as are most human relationships. They can lose a bit of their magic and fail to regain it, or even fade out altogether for tragic reasons, or no reason at all. Then there are the not-so-easy friendships; increasingly difficult friendships; and bad, gut-wrenching, toxic friendships. The pleasures and benefits of good friends are abundant, but they come with a price. Friendship, looked at through a clear and wide lens, is far messier and more lopsided than it is often portrayed.

The first cold splash on an idealised notion of friendship is the data showing that only about half of friendships are reciprocal . This is shocking to people, since research confirms that we actually assume nearly all our friendships are reciprocal. Can you guess who on your list of friends wouldn’t list you?

One explanation for imbalance is that many friendships are aspirational : a study of teens shows that people want to be friends with popular people, but those higher up the social hierarchy have their pick (and skew the average). A corroborating piece of evidence, which was highlighted by Steven Strogatz in a 2012 article in The New York Times, is the finding that your Facebook ‘friends’ always have, on average, more ‘friends’ than you do. So much for friendship being an oasis from our status-obsessed world.

‘Ambivalent’ relationships, in social science parlance, are characterised by interdependence and conflict. You have many positive and negative feelings toward these people. You might think twice about picking up when they call. These relationships turn out to be common, too. Close to half of one’s important social network members are identified as ambivalent. Granted, more of those are family members (whom we’re stuck with) than friends, but still, for friendship, it’s another push off the pedestal.

Friends who are loyal, reliable, interesting companions – good! – can also be bad for you, should they have other qualities that are less desirable. We know through social network research that depressed friends make it more likely you’ll be depressed, obese friends make it more likely you’ll become obese, and friends who smoke or drink a lot make it more likely you’ll smoke and drink more.

Other ‘good’ friends might have, or start to have, goals, values or habits that misalign with your current or emerging ones. They certainly haven’t ‘done’ anything to you. But they aren’t a group that validates who you are, or that will effortlessly lift you up toward your aims over time. Stay with them, and you’ll be walking against the wind.

In addition to annoying us, these mixed-bag friendships harm our health. A 2003 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad from Brigham Young University and Bert Uchino from the University of Utah asked people to wear blood-pressure monitors and write down interactions with various people. Blood pressure was higher with ambivalent relationships than it was with friends or outright enemies. This is probably due to the unpredictability of these relationships, which leads us to be vigilant: Will Jen ruin Christmas this year? Ambivalent relationships have also been associated with increased cardiovascular reactivity, greater cellular ageing , lowered resistance to stress, and a decreased sense of wellbeing.

One research team, though, found that ambivalent friendships might have benefits in the workplace. They showed that in these pairings workers are more likely to put themselves in the other’s shoes, in part because they are trying to figure out what the relationship means and what it is. Also, because ambivalent friendships make you feel uncertain about where you stand, they can push you to work harder to establish your position.

‘Frenemies’ are perhaps a separate variety in that they are neatly multi-layered – friendliness atop rivalry or dislike – as opposed to the ambivalent relationship’s admixture of love, hate, annoyance, pity, devotion and tenderness. Plenty of people have attested to the motivating force of a frenemy at work, as well as in the realms of romance and parenting.

A s with unhappy families, there are countless ways a friend can be full-on ‘bad’, no ambivalence about it. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver, and Sharon Livingston, a psychologist and marketing consultant in New York, have studied the issue, and found some typical qualities: a bad friend makes you feel competitive with her other friends; she talks much more about herself than you do about yourself; she criticises you in a self-righteous way but is defensive when you criticise her; she makes you feel you’re walking on eggshells and might easily spark her anger or disapproval; she has you on an emotional rollercoaster where one day she’s responsive and complimentary and the next she freezes you out.

In 2014 , a team at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh found that, as the amount of negativity in relationships increased for healthy women aged over 50, so did their risk of developing hypertension. Negative social interactions – incidents including excessive demands, criticism, disappointment and disagreeable exchanges – were related to a 38 per cent increased risk. For men, there was no link between bad relationships and high blood pressure. This is likely because women care more about, and are socialised to pay more attention to, relationships.

Negative interactions can lead to inflammation, too, in both men and women. Jessica Chiang, a researcher at the University of California, Los Angeles, who conducted a study showing as much, has said that an accumulation of social stressors could cause physical damage, just like an actual toxin.

Some of our most hurtful friendships start out good, but then became bad. Among teens, for example, the rates of cyber aggression are 4.3 times higher between friends than between friends of friends. Or as Diane de Poitiers, the 16th-century mistress of King Henry II of France, said: ‘To have a good enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike.’

The writer Robert Greene addresses the slippery slope in his book The 48 Laws of Power (1998). Bringing friends into your professional endeavours can aid the gradual crossover from ‘good’ to ‘bad’, he warns, in part because of how we react to grand favours:

Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness that unbalances everything. People want to feel they deserve their good fortune. The receipt of a favour can become oppressive: it means you have been chosen because you are a friend, not necessarily because you are deserving. There is almost a touch of condescension in the act of hiring friends that secretly afflicts them. The injury will come out slowly: a little more honesty, flashes of resentment and envy here and there, and before you know it your friendship fades.

Ah – so too much giving and ‘a little more honesty’ are friendship-disrupters? That conclusion, which runs counter to the ethos of total openness and unlimited generosity between friends, provides a clue as to why there are so many ‘bad’, ‘good and bad’, and ‘good, then bad’ friends. In his paper ‘The Evolution of Reciprocal Altruism’ (1971), the evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers concludes that ‘each individual human is seen as possessing altruistic and cheating tendencies’, where cheating means giving at least a bit less (or taking at least a bit more) than a friend would give or take from us.

Good people do attract more friends (though being a high-status good person helps)

Trivers goes on to explain that we have evolved to be subtle cheaters, with complex mechanisms for regulating bigger cheaters and also ‘too much’ altruism. He writes:

In gross cheating, the cheater fails to reciprocate at all, and the altruist suffers the costs of whatever altruism he has dispensed without any compensating benefit… clearly, selection will strongly favour prompt discrimination against the gross cheater. Subtle cheating, by contrast, involves reciprocating, but always attempting to give less than one was given, or more precisely, to give less than the partner would give if the situation were reversed.

The rewarding emotion of ‘liking’ someone is also a part of this psychological regulation system, and selection will favour liking those who are altruistic: good people do attract more friends (though being a high-status good person helps). But the issue is not whether we are cheaters or altruists, good or bad, but to what degree are we each of those things in different contexts and relationships.

P erhaps this seesaw between cheating and altruism, which settles to a midpoint of 50/50, explains why 50 per cent keeps coming up in research on friends and relationships. Recall that half of our friendships are non-reciprocal, half of our social network consists of ambivalent relationships, and – to dip into the adjacent field of lie detection – the average person detects lies right around 50 per cent of the time. We evolved to be able to detect enough lies to not be totally swindled, but not enough to wither under the harsh truths of (white-lie-free) social interactions. Likewise, we’ve evolved to detect some cheating behaviours in friends, but not enough to prohibit our ability to be friends with people at all. As the seesaw wobbles, so do our friendships.

Should this sound like a complicated business to you, Trivers agrees, and in fact speculates that the development of this system for regulating altruism among non-kin members is what made our brains grow so big in the Pleistocene. Many neuroscientists agree with his conclusion: humans are smart so that we can navigate friendship.

The psychologist Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts (2002), found that 68 per cent of survey respondents had been betrayed by a friend. Who are these betrayers? At such high numbers, could ‘they’ be us?

We somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are

That scary thought leads me to ask: are we really striving to forgive small sins? To air our grievances before they accumulate and blow up our friendships? To make the effort to get together? To give others the benefit of the doubt? Are we giving what we can, or keeping score? Are we unfairly expecting friends to think and believe the exact same things we do? Are we really doing the best we can? Well, maybe that’s what most of our friends think they are doing, too. And if they aren’t being a good friend, or if they have drifted away from us, or we from them, maybe we can accept these common rifts, without giving into a guilt so overwhelming that it pushes us to slap a label on those we no longer want for friends: toxic.

When a friend breaks up with us, or disappears without explanation, it can be devastating. Even though the churning and pruning of social networks is common over time, we still somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are, especially if we’ve been intertwined with a friend for many years. Pulsing with hurt in the wake of a friend break-up, we hurl him or her into the ‘bad friends’ basket.

But, sometimes, we have to drop a friend to become ourselves. In Connecting in College (2016), the sociologist Janice McCabe argues that ending friendships in young adulthood is a way of advancing our identities. We construct our self-images and personalities against our friends, in both positive and negative ways.

As much as we need to take responsibility for being better friends and for our part in relationship conflict and break-ups, quite a few factors surrounding friendship are out of our control. Social network embeddedness, where you and another person have many friends in common, for instance, is a big challenge. Let’s say someone crosses a line, but you don’t want to disturb the group, so you don’t declare that you no longer think of him as a friend. You pull back from him, but not so much that it will spark a direct confrontation, whereby people would then be forced to invite only one of you, but not both, to events. Sometimes we are yoked to bad friends.

The forces that dictate whom we stay close to and whom we let go can be mysterious even to ourselves. Aren’t there people you like very much whom you haven’t contacted in a long time? And others you don’t connect with as well whom you see more often? The former group might be pencilling you into their ‘bad friend’ column right now.

Dealing with bad friends, getting dumped by them, and feeling disappointed with them is a stressful part of life, and it can harm your body and mind. Yet having no friends at all is a far worse fate. Imagine a child’s desperation for a playmate, a teenager’s deep longing for someone who ‘gets’ her, or an adult’s realisation that there is no one with whom he can share a failure or even a success. Loneliness is as painful as extreme thirst or hunger. John Cacioppo, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, has found associations between loneliness and depression, obesity, alcoholism, cardiovascular problems, sleep dysfunction, high blood pressure, the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, cynical world views and suicidal thoughts. But if you have friend problems, you have friends – and that means you’re pretty lucky.

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Home — Essay Samples — Sociology — Friendship — Toxic Friendships: Signs and Coping Strategies

Toxic Friendships: Signs and Coping Strategies

• Categories: Friendship Interpersonal Communication

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Published: Aug 31, 2023

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Opinion: Toxic friends are preventing you from taking full advantage of your college experience

Signs that you have an emotionally manipulative friend in your life.

Toxic friends are an unfortunate part of the college experience. Most friendships should be supportive, leaving a person feeling uplifted and excited for the future, but bad friendships can be draining. Being too close to people who try to keep all the attention on themselves or never accept blame for their mistakes will only take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Here are five signs to look out for when assessing if your friendships are healthy or not.  

1. Criticism

A toxic friend always brings up that you can be doing better. It goes beyond wanting you to do your best, but it can cross major boundaries. 

“I had a friend who always said things like, ‘You’re a pushover and you need to work on not letting people walk all over you,’” sophomore Esther Shapiro said. “They point out things that I have already recognized. It’s constantly ‘you are doing this’ and focusing on my flaws.”

2. “Me, me, me”

Another common trait of a toxic friend is that they only seem to want to talk about themselves. Conversations with these friends tend to be more one-sided, talking about how their day was, who they are interested in or what their plans are for the weekend. They seem to completely ignore your needs in a conversation and fail to acknowledge social cues. You may try to tell them about a problem of yours, but they will either ignore it all together or only acknowledge it long enough to bring the conversation back to themselves. 

3. The pity party

Emotionally manipulative friends constantly project the feeling that the world is against them. Either their friends cannot give them enough attention or they are always doing something wrong. They might complain that their parents were not good enough to them growing up or that society does not want them to succeed. They feel like the world is out to get them, but rather than accepting any accountability or coming up with a solution, these “friends” have an excuse for everything and never own up to their mistakes, staying in this endless cycle of self-pity.

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“This person would text me every day complaining about the person they liked,” said sophomore Camille Bara. “They would never listen to my advice or do anything to change the results of their situation.”

4. Unnecessary drama

Everyone has a little drama, but with a toxic friend, drama is a driving point in their lives. To the toxic person, the stranger who asked them for directions was madly flirting with them. They swear their boss screamed at them when in reality, their boss raised their voice. They make it seem like everyone hates them and  everyone is jealous of them. 

At first, the friend’s drama could seem exciting. Their trouble is a fun distraction to the bores of homework, internships and TDR food. At some point, their stories all begin to sound the same and you find yourself drained by the theatrical nature of this friend. 

5. Are you becoming a toxic friend?

Admitting that a friend or partner could be manipulative is hard, but admitting that you are adopting the same traits is even harder. Being close to such a person is exhausting. It leaves you feeling depressed, low and oftentimes spiraling over whatever is occurring. You may find yourself recreating the same toxic traits in other relationships. It could be a lack of patience, obsessively talking about your own issues or never acknowledging those around you.

Reflecting enough to realize that you possess these traits is difficult, but knowing the signs and acknowledging your own flaws is a part of moving on. 

Mending toxic friendships

Toxic friends are not always inherently bad individuals. Some lack the self-awareness or emotional coping skills that most are taught at a young age, while others simply enjoy bringing those around them down to make themselves feel better. While every situation is different, creating firm boundaries with these individuals is the first step. This could mean setting time limits the next time they call, sitting them down for a conversation that the friendship needs to change or distancing altogether. 

On a small campus like AU where everyone is connected, it is easy to look past toxic friendships to avoid drama. On the other hand, the small student body might make it that much more difficult to separate yourself from individuals that have a negative impact on your mental and emotional health. Maybe even more commonly, an unhealthy friendship can be hard to end when the friendship brings frat party invites, a meal swipe to TDR or internship connections.

At the end of the day, the question each student must ask themselves is this: is it more important to keep a toxic friend around, or is it more important to stay true to your values and surround yourself with supportive friends? 

Relationships of all sorts have ups and downs, times where one party may need extra support. However, if a relationship as a whole is leaving you feeling drained, then more likely than not, your friendship is toxic. Take some time to reflect next time you leave a friend feeling exhausted and ask yourself if this is a relationship worth the stress and drama that it brings. 

As we prepare for spring, we must ask ourselves whether there are any friendships or relationships in our lives in need of spring cleaning. Before we buy that nice blanket to lay out on the quad for a spring picnic, keep in mind the people we want to bring.

Costa Beavin is a junior in the School of Communication and a columnist for The Eagle. 

[email protected]  

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Recognizing Toxic Friendships

Published April 10, 2020 by morningsignout

Written by Rena Zhu and Edited by Mehr Kaur Bawa

Having toxic friends can be psychologically and physiologically draining, especially when they are supposed to be your support group. It is important to recognize when a friendship becomes toxic, as the effects of a toxic friendship can induce stress. Though subtle, red flags can be detected if a little more attention is paid. 

Such warning signs include the lack of attention and support, blurred boundary lines, betrayal of trust [1] , and increased levels of stress. Toxic friends are able to continuously talk about how terribly their day went, but when it is their turn to listen, they often say they’re busy and end up disappearing. The boundaries that govern friendships are significantly blurred, to the point where gaslighting and manipulation are common [2] . Often employed to confuse and question an individual’s reality, gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to extract information through peer pressure, an insinuation of competition, an obligated sense of responsibility, etc. [3] . A study done by researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles has shown that dealing with a toxic friend affects an individual’s health by increasing levels of stress proteins that lead to inflammation within the body. The study explains that there are natural occurring stressors that are associated with inflammatory levels. However, there is a particularly strong correlation between higher inflammatory activity and social stressors such as rejection, confrontation, and potential threats. This suggests that stronger social connections and bonds have a large positive influence on an individual’s health, decreasing mortality rates by 50% [4] . 

Dealing with toxic individuals is an overall stressful situation, which is why how an individual recognizes and resolves this situation is important. Recognizing early warning signs and taking the appropriate measures are a few methods to avoid being taken advantage of. If necessary, cutting ties off with a toxic individual helps lift the emotional burden. That, in return, reduces stress levels, and in the long run, leads to more psychological and physiological benefits. 

References:

1. Heitler, Susan. “8 Signs of a Toxic Friendship.” Psychology Today, Mar 25, 2016. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/8-signs-toxic-friendshIp 2. Scriver, Amy. “Abusive Friendships Are Real. Here’s How to Recognize You’re in One.” HealthLine. Sept 29, 2019. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-recognize-abusive-friendships#1 3. Sarkis, Stephanie. “11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting.” Psychology Today. Jan 22, 2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs -gaslighting  4. Slavich, G.M., Irwin, M.R. (2014). From Stress to Inflammation and Major Depressive Disorder: A Social Signal Transduction Theory of Depression. National Institutes of Health, 140: 774–815. 

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Why It's Important to Let Go of Toxic Friendships

When I was a freshman, an older friend mentioned that it was unlikely I'd retain my first-year friendships all through college. He told me that he barely spoke to a lot of his own freshman friend group after the first year.

At the time, I was shocked and rather offended that he would judge the strength of my friendships without having met most of my friends. I don't think he understood how scared I'd been to come to college alone and build friendships from the ground up again. I put a lot of energy into it because I wanted to fit in and stop feeling lonely in a big new school. To be honest, I wasn’t really thinking about the quality of my friendships at the time, just that we got along and had some similar interests.

In the end, he was only about halfway correct — I consider several of my freshman year friends as my extended family (I even continued to live with my best friend I met freshman year after we graduated). But several people from my first-year friend group have long since moved on with their lives and we no longer keep in contact.

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the quality of those lost friendships and the reasons we grew apart. The friendships that didn't last taught me a lot about the importance of boundaries and why it’s important to take a step back from unhealthy relationships.

This might be an important topic to talk about with your student when they return for the summer. Though it can be a difficult conversation , helping your student build a strong and healthy support system during college is crucial to their emotional well-being.

My friend group has gotten smaller even within the last year (all of us are recent grads and many have moved away for work). It's been difficult to meet new people during the pandemic, so we're excited that life is starting to return to normal. I am, however, incredibly grateful to still have all of my friends in my life. After five years together, we’ve worked hard to build our friendships on a foundation of mutual respect and I know these relationships will be with me for the rest of my life.

In the meantime, I’m continuing to try and figure out what healthy boundaries in a friendship look like, as well as recognizing the signs of an emotionally harmful friend.

Learning to Recognize Unhealthy Behavior

I used to mourn and fight every friendship that slipped away from me, always assuming I'd done something wrong to cause them to leave. I realize now that sometimes it’s as simple as the fact that college is an important time of growth and sometimes as you grow, you will also grow apart.

One lesson I’m still trying to learn is that you have control over who you choose to be friends with, and don’t have to stay with a toxic friend just because you’ve been friends for a long time. A few times during college, I found myself having to sit down and carefully consider whether or not some of my friendships were healthy, as well as grapple with the fact that some of them really weren’t.

Maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships didn't necessarily come naturally to me. But I learned the hard way how quickly unhealthy friendships can take a toll. The biggest red flag was when I made a habit of putting my friends’ needs far above my own. What’s worse is that some friends actually urged me on until I was taking care of others to the detriment of my schoolwork and my own well-being.

A Toxic Friendship Is the Opposite of a Healthy One

How do you spot the warning signs of an unhealthy friendship? I only just learned to do this, but it's simpler than you might think. All I do is compare how I feel talking to a healthy friend versus how I feel when I’m talking to a friend I’m not completely sure about.

Each person will decide the baseline standard for their friendships, but remember that true friends make you feel happy and supported . I’m a big believer in your friend group being your support system, and this is especially important when you’re away at college.

I use my relationship with my roommate as a baseline. When I’m talking to my roommate, I’m never worried about how she’ll react or if she’ll judge me. I trust her, knowing she’ll never purposefully lead me astray nor does she have any ulterior motives when she gives me advice. She’s a wonderful listener, letting me vent my frustrations even when there’s nothing either of us can do to change a difficult situation.

It took me a while to recognize this as a hallmark of a healthy friendship (which is not to say we never disagree!).

Help Your Student Recognize Toxic Friendships

Your student deserves to be surrounded by people who love and support them. Healthy friendships look different from person to person, but it’s important that your student knows what their values are in a friendship and can recognize when those values are not being met or respected.

Unhealthy relationships will take an immense toll on your student and it can be difficult for them to recognize signs of toxicity for themselves. It's crucial, however, that your student be the one to make the decision to part ways with unhealthy friends. Outside pressure to end a friendship may cause resentment and deprive your student of an important learning opportunity. Learning to draw boundaries in relationships is a skill that will serve them well as they move through life. 

You can't pick and choose your student's friends, but you can remind them that you're there to support them no matter what even if they just need someone to listen as they work through their feelings.

Learn more about subtle warning signs of a toxic friendship here >

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How College Friendships May Affect Student Success

Anya Kamenetz

Like many people, I absolutely cherish the close friendships I forged in college, nearly mumble-mumble years ago. But we rarely think about how these friendships might affect the path to graduation. If anything, students are typically advised to avoid social distractions and keep their eyes on the academic prize instead.

A new book from a researcher at Dartmouth College puts a new spin on that idea, mapping out the ways differently structured social networks affect students' experiences for good and for ill.

Janice McCabe, an associate professor of sociology, interviewed a diverse group of 67 undergraduates at a large Midwestern public university (unnamed to protect student privacy.) She asked them to name their friends, which ranged from 3 to 60 individuals, and then she painstakingly mapped out the web of connections that made up each person's friend network.

Her conclusion? "It's important to realize that friends can have academic as well as social benefits." And the type of network you have matters a lot.

McCabe found that students' networks fell into three basic types. "Tight-knitters" had a single cluster of friends who all knew each other and did seemingly everything together. They often described those friends as like "home" or like "family." Their social network resembles a ball of yarn.

"Tight-knitters" had a close group of friends who were "like family." Janice McCabe hide caption

"Compartmentalizers" had between two and four unrelated clusters of friends: say, one group of fellow engineering majors, another from the swim team. With two clusters, their pattern looks like a bow tie.

"Compartmentalizers" had between two and four separate clusters of friends. Janice McCabe hide caption

"Compartmentalizers" had between two and four separate clusters of friends.

And "Samplers" had one-on-one friendships with individuals who didn't necessarily know one another. Their networks looked like a hub-and-spoke system, or a daisy.

"Samplers" had lots of one-on-one friendships and reported feeling isolated. Janice McCabe hide caption

The tight-knitters named an average of 13 friends. Many of these students spoke about how important it was to have friends who could provide "intense social support that got them through difficult experiences," says McCabe.

The sample size is too small to be definitive about cause, but McCabe found that about half the tight-knitters seemed to be part of groups that "dragged them down" academically. The other half performed above average, seemingly part of groups that "dragged each other up."

To put it another way, among the students who said their close group of friends provided academic motivation and support, every one of them graduated. Among the ones who said they lacked this support and their friends distracted them from schoolwork, only half managed to graduate within six years. "It really happened both ways," McCabe said.

Compartmentalizers had at least one group of friends that was more academically oriented, and one that was more social. This pattern was common among students from more privileged backgrounds, who tended to do well in college. When they were juggling more than two clusters, though, they reported being spread thin socially. Many had one "academic" cluster and another who helped reinforce a sense of belonging on campus.

Samplers reported having about the same number of friends as compartmentalizers, about 20. But these students said their friendships were arranged differently, as a collection of one-on-one relationships. Samplers were successful academically, but they were more likely to report being "very lonely," and socially isolated, says McCabe.

Basing her study on in-depth interviews, McCabe discovered that above all, students seek a good balance between their academic and social lives. The lines may often blur, but that can be to the good: Students check in with friends when they have a paper due, they study together and quiz each other, and they help each other blow off steam when the work is done.

Instead of looking at proxy measures, like involvement in extracurriculars, she suggests that administrators could get a better view of how to help students succeed by understanding all the roles strong friendships play. "They can be ties keeping students in and committed and helping them do well and helping them feel like a whole person too."

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Toxic Friends in College: A reality or a Fallacy?

College is a place where we learn a lot of things and meet different people. There is a lot that goes on in the life of student: essay writing, research paper writing, dissertations name it!

At this stage, people generally make a lot of friends. Either through discussion groups for doing college assignments or college friends with mutual interests.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBARKI11qjs

There is always a list of friends that you go to when you need assistance with research paper or discuss some overly demanding statistic homework due in a week’s time!

It is important to choose your friends wisely as friendships have an impact on almost all the important aspects of your life like, studies, career, marriage and health. This article explores ways to identify toxic friends at college us see how to identify toxic friends and deal with them.

It is essential to identify and end toxic friendships at an earlier stage in life as your future depends on it. The results of toxic friendship can be dreadful at times. Toxic friends find it difficult to embrace your success as they consider it as a threat to themselves.

This could also result in you being a victim of their anger, resentment and manipulation. Identifying these individuals and eliminating them from your life is important for your wellbeing. So, toxic friends exist, and wear you down; everyday!

Remember, true friendship should not hurt. If it does, possibly, it is toxic!

What are the common characteristics of Toxic Friends at College?

Although there is no specific code for identifying a toxic friend, there are some red flags to look out for.

Any person in your social network, who belittles, backbites you, and more often than not, drives you crazy with their soul-sucking behavior—that is a hideous friend!

They need you all the time for absolutely anything and everything .  They tend to lean on you for all their emotional needs and in extreme cases; you could be their source of finance. They call you only to discuss about their problems and are not interested in listening to yours.

It is common for everyone to turn to their friends when they feel low or encounter a problem. But if you are only becoming a crutch to someone constantly just because they need you, you may want to reconsider your idea of having this person as your friend.

They try to control you.   Toxic people try and control you constantly. They do not have any control on their life and are insecure about their friends being successful. Hence, they continuously try to put you on the wrong path so that they can get a sense of satisfaction. Simply put, they want you to drown with them if you are in a sinking ship.

“You are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with so be brave enough to let go those who keep weighing you down” – Anonymous!  

Believe in your instincts, always! With this particular person, you are constantly uncertain whether he / she is your friend or not. You tend to hide some of the good things about to happen in your life with a fear that this person might be a hindrance.

For instance, you might not want to tell your friend about a person you have romantic interest with as you are afraid they might try to catch their attention before you do. These are common occurrences in colleges.

Insecure friends are all over: from those who cannot stomach your success in writing research papers, jealous of you’re the positive feedback from your dissertation supervisor, to those that are just jealous of your social friends.

They are blind to their own flaws .  While they are good at finding faults in others, they are blind to their own flaws. Even if you explain to them that you have issues with their conduct that may be straining your relationship, they do not try to understand instead, they blame you. They also make you feel guilty for being rude to them.

Always remember:

“If a friend can’t be behind you, pushing you forward, they can at least stand beside you. If they’re standing beside you being negative, then they need to be far away” – Anonymous.

Above motioned are some of the prominent qualities of a toxic friend. In your newly-found friendship, look out for these qualities to avoid the awkward situations that might arise later in your relationship.

Beware; Toxicity is contagious!

You might take on some of the qualities from your toxic friends without your knowledge. They impact your life in a way that before you realize it, it’s too late.

You tend to carry on the frustration as a result of your discussions with your toxic friends to your family and other friends. Therefore, you have to learn a way to deal with your toxic friends in order to avoid it from spreading around.

And how do I know that I am actually a toxic friend, myself?

Should I break up with my Toxic Friend?

Do you know that 8 in 10 people endure poisonous friendship? Don’t be a statistic!

If your “friend” fits the above description of a toxic friend, it is time to act. In the words of Will Rogers: “If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging”. So, put an end to that friendship. Or avoid them.

But if you already have some toxic friends in your life and cannot afford to leave them, you can always confront them:

Set boundaries :  Try and set boundaries with the friends that you feel are toxic. Although they try to manipulate you in most of the situations, you have to put your foot down and make them gain some sense that you are not weak anymore! This makes them move a few steps backward and think before they say anything that will let you down. You have to remember that you do not have to deal with any individual who makes you feel miserable.

Make them realize what they are doing :  Not all the toxic people do it knowingly. In certain instances, you can help your friend realize how they have changed over time and confront them. This could help them re-evaluate their behavior and set it right. This way you could not only save your friendship but you can also enable their well being.

Avoid gossiping with them:  Do not encourage your friend while they’re constantly gossiping about others. Try and steer the conversation to a different direction. Even after you making an effort to avoid gossips if they still want to continue doing so, you should let them know that you are not interested in that conversation anymore! If they are worth your relationship, they will respect your preferences.

Don’t let yourself down :  Your toxic friend’s aim is to put you down. This gives them strength and a sense of achievement. Do not let this happen. Be confident of your abilities and do what you believe is right for you without really considering the opinions of toxic friends of yours.

But My Toxic Friends Cannot Change?

Even after trying the above mentioned steps, if your friend does not change their attitude, then it’s time for you to end your friendship with them and move on in life.

Perhaps, nobody captures this better than Danielle Koepke:

“You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is your relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance —You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes efforts to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go”

Speak it out :  Let your friend know that their behavior is not acceptable and you want to end your friendship with them. Do not give them a chance to debate on the topic. Keep it simple and move on.

Accept the process and be patient :  Ending a friendship is always difficult, no matter how long or short the duration is. Toxic friends do not respect your boundaries and continue doing the same. Even if you end your friendship with them, they might come back to you as they are used to lean on you, always. You have to be patient throughout the process and distance yourself from them gradually.

Write them a note :  For most of us, it might be difficult to tell your friend directly that you want to end your friendship. To make it less awkward, write a small note with all the problems that you faced with them and let them know that you want to end it for the well being of both you and your friend.

While ending a toxic friendship, consider the following for your own safety:

Do it in a public place to avoid from any harm occurring to you . If the situation is getting awkward, you can always choose to walk away from the place.

Block them on all the social media platforms . Some of the toxic people will not be able to accept the fact that you cannot be in friendship. They will result into all kinds of drama in whatever avenues. Rule of the thumb: Do not give them that grace to harm your social image. Block them, if you may!

At college, you need to lead a healthy and peaceful life. You need time to work on that nagging college essay. Or even that dissertation chapter that your supervisor needs you to rewrite it. Mind you, you did the best. When you are at peace, you will discover the resources available to you. Maybe it’s time to seek the help of a statistician to analyze your research results or to get a professional to proofread or edit your dissertation.

In the midst of all this; toxic friendship is something you should steer off!

Your future is more important than anything else. You have to learn to respect, believe and stand up for yourself in life! And college is certainly the best place to start building your future. It is absolutely necessary to choose your friends and acquaintances wisely to your well being and success.

So ditch your toxic friends; move on!

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10 Signs of a Toxic Friend (and How to Break Up With Them the Right Way)

Ariane Resnick, CNC is a mental health writer, certified nutritionist, and wellness author who advocates for accessibility and inclusivity.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

ROBERTO PERI / Image Source / Getty Images

How Can You Tell If a Friend Is Toxic?

Wait, could the toxic friend be me, how toxic friendships can impact our mental health, how to deal with toxic friends.

Friendships can be one of our greatest sources of joy in life, giving us outlets for our thoughts and feelings and making us feel seen and cared for. Quality friendships are important to our overall wellness, increasing our satisfaction in our lives.

On the other hand, friendships can also be a huge source of stress, particularly when what you give and what you get don't align. That impacts our health negatively, as much as great relationships do positively.

The word "toxic" is thrown around a lot these days, used as an insult whenever a person disapproves of someone else's behavior. But the truth is that some friendships are, indeed, toxic. "Toxic behaviors are ways of acting that demean or gaslight others and generally make them feel bad about themselves and your relationship," says Dr. Patrice Le Goy .

How can you tell if you're in a toxic friendship, and what should you do about it? Here are the signs to look out for.

If you can relate to the below, you might be friends with someone who could be considered toxic.

They Behave Selfishly

Le Goy explains that "toxic friends may only focus on themselves and their needs, and do not ask about you or ensure your needs are met." This is pretty straightforward: How much time in each hangout or call is spent on them, rather than you? Life in general should be 50:50 with friends, not always focused on one person or the other.

They're Critical of You

Do you feel like whenever you talk to your friend, they have something negative to say about you? This could be criticism of your behavior, your appearance, your relationship, your performance at work, your family, or any other element of your life. Friends are meant to uplift you, not cause you to worry you aren't good enough.

They're Too Competitive

Friendship isn't meant to have a winner! Rather, the point of friendship is support , and friends should want you to do well. If your friend behaves jealously when you tell them good news you've received, or if they constantly point out areas where they are doing better in life, those are toxic behaviors.

They Bring You Down

"You know you have a toxic friend if you notice that every time you interact with them, you feel worse than you did before," Le Goy says. This could happen because they're critical, or manipulative, or compete with you. Whatever the reason, if you walk away from your interactions feeling worse instead of better, there's a problem.

They Manipulate You

Friends shouldn't guilt one another into activities, and they should prioritize your needs as much as their own. You shouldn't leave a hangout feeling like you've done things you didn't want to just to please your friend. When you point out their manipulation to them, if they tell you you're wrong or crazy, they may be gaslighting you . That's a toxic trait too.

They Can't Be Trusted

Your secrets should be kept by your friends, and you shouldn't have to worry about that. "They may share your secrets or gossip about you with other friends. If you don’t feel that you can trust someone or that they want the best for you, they are likely a toxic friend," explains Le Goy.

The Drama Never Stops

Is there always something going on with your friend, particularly centered around how someone has wronged or is wronging them? Toxic friends take the drama with them wherever they go. This kind of self-centeredness could also be a sign of narcissism.

They're Insincere

Maybe your friend admits when they wrong you, but you don't feel like their apology is genuine . Or maybe when they do have something nice to say to you, your instincts tell you they don't really mean it. They might just be saying something nice because they want something from you. Pay attention to your friend's actions, not just their words.

They're Unreliable

You should be able to count on your friends. If someone flakes on you, isn't available when you need to talk about something going on in your life, and only seems to be available when they need you, you may be dealing with a toxic friend.

Obviously, everyone has their own stuff to worry about, but true friends are willing to sacrifice some of their own time and attention in your time of need, just as you would do for them.

They Isolate You

A toxic friend may try to create distance between you and the other relationships in your life. This can be done by criticizing your partner, spreading gossip about your friends, or even speaking negatively about your coworkers. A toxic friend will do this so that you become more reliant on them, and therefore more stuck in the friendship.

Of course, before we decide our friend is the problem we should be sure that's the case. "Generally, it is easier to notice the faults in other people, rather than recognizing areas we ourselves can improve," says Le Goy. Because of this, you should take a moment to reflect on whether your friend is toxic or you are—as difficult as that may be.

Le Goy explains that the most straightforward way to do that is to reflect on the other relationships in your life, outside of this one. "A good way to recognize if you are the problem or if it is the other person is to consider how healthy your other relationships are. If you generally have positive, trusting relationships and only major issues with one person, they are likely the issue" she suggests.

If you find that most of your friendships are brief in duration, end on bad terms, or remain on the surface level altogether, you may be the one exhibiting toxic behavior.

If you are being honest with yourself, and recognize that all of your relationships except this one are healthy and fulfilling—and you feel content with them—your first thought was probably right, and your friend is the toxic one, not you.

It should be no surprise that toxic friendships are bad for us and can cause us harm. "Toxic friendships can be so damaging to our mental health," says Le Goy. She notes that humans are hardwired to seek connection and close relationships with supporting, loving people.

She says that even once we know our friendship is toxic, we still might hang on to it. We might feel loyal to our friend because they were decent in the past, or perhaps they've manipulated us into thinking that no one will have our backs as well as they do—even if their version of that isn't as great as they make it sound.

Staying in a toxic friendship is the wrong choice, even if leaving it feels like it would be very challenging. "The constant bombardment of negativity in toxic friendships can lead to depression, anxiety, and doubts about our self-worth ," says Le Goy.

Fair warning: Dealing with a toxic friend is not likely to go smoothly. The fact that your friend has already exhibited significant enough toxic behavior for you to want to end the friendship means that they probably aren't going to take any actions well. Whether you try to confront them or straight up distance yourself from the relationship, they're unlikely to let this go quietly.

"You may hope to end the friendship in an open and honest way, but that is not always possible," says Le Goy. She explains, "for example, if your friend is a narcissist, they may be unwilling to accept that they are the problem and they may even try to charm their way back into your good graces. Other types of toxic friends may attempt to turn others against you."

Knowing that it may be hard doesn't mean you should remain inactive. You may want to end the relationship, or you may wish to give your friend a chance to make amends first. Whichever approach you take, be protective of your emotional wellness.

If you know that your friend doesn't always have your best interest at heart, be sure to keep that in mind as you move through this process.

What This Means for You

Confronting a toxic friend about their behavior gives them an opportunity to improve, should you feel they deserve one, and cutting one out of your life makes space for your other, more loving friends to be closer to you. "You owe yourself the space to develop safe and healthy friendships more than you owe a toxic friend multiple opportunities to treat you poorly," says Le Goy.

What to do if your friend doesn't own up to their behavior? "If they don’t respect your decision to end the relationship, then you may have to accept that and move on without closure. Also, not respecting your decision might be the confirmation that you need that the friendship is toxic," she says.

Life is hard enough with great friends, let alone bad ones, and having friends who bring you down simply isn't worth your time or energy. With these tips, you can move forward to migrate away from the toxic behaviors of others, and have more room for friends who will treat you with kindness and love.

Amati V, Meggiolaro S, Rivellini G, Zaccarin S. Social relations and life satisfaction: the role of friends.  Genus . 2018;74(1):7.

Holt-Lunstad J, Uchino BN. Social ambivalence and disease (Sad): a theoretical model aimed at understanding the health implications of ambivalent relationships.  Perspect Psychol Sci . 2019;14(6):941-966.

By Ariane Resnick, CNC Ariane Resnick, CNC is a mental health writer, certified nutritionist, and wellness author who advocates for accessibility and inclusivity.

What's the Best Way to End a Toxic Friendship?

Ending friendships is never easy, but doing these three things ease the pain..

Posted February 19, 2021 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

1. Make it about yourself and your needs, not their wrongs.

Too often, people will rush in and place blame on a friend who had wronged them when they are making the decision to terminate a friendship . Next, the person being blamed will immediately jump in to defend themselves from the verbal assault. Conflicts may erupt that can transition rapidly from serious discussions to flat-out fights when blaming begins.

Regardless of who might actually deserve the label of victim or perpetrator, avoid beginning any sentences with “fighting words” such as “You made me…” or “You should never have…” or “You are such a…” and so on. While letting someone know what you think may seem like the cleansing and cathartic choice, you are more likely to be setting yourself up for an unexpectedly ugly scene.

Owning your feelings and taking responsibility for how the relationship has unfolded or unraveled can be a much more freeing experience. By stating, “I really felt _________ when ____________ happened,” you are affirming your own personal reactions and needs.

By acknowledging your own feelings, you are recognizing what you do and do not want to experience within a friendship. By describing the action that created the negative feeling, you are acknowledging the behaviors that you will need to see as red flags in future relationships. Shaming and blaming may provide a very temporary feeling of victory, but being open and honest about what you will and will not tolerate in relationships will yield a much longer sense of satisfaction.

Unfortunately, no matter how well you work to keep the discussion on an even keel, your friend may choose to escalate the intensity and volume of the interaction. If you feel that things are getting out of hand and your efforts to keep the discussion productive have failed, you may need to diplomatically end the conversation and remove yourself from the scene.

Let the person know that you appreciate their feelings, but that it is not in anyone’s best interest to engage in an unproductive and hurtful exchange. The other person may not hear the message you are sending, but you will know that you have done the best that you can do given the current set of circumstances.

2. Acknowledge the benefits that the relationship has offered over time and express appreciation for the role this person has played in your life in the past.

After you have owned your feelings and acknowledged to your friend that you feel that the relationship is not working out for you, if there is something positive to share about the individual or the friendship, offer this information to them. Let them know that you had enjoyed having a gym buddy, or a lunch buddy, or a Saturday-night-no-date buddy, or neighborhood walking buddy, and so on. If you had shared taxi rides or carpooled together, mention these. If this person listened to you complain in the past or helped plan your wedding or held your hand as you dealt with the loss of someone you loved, let them know how much this meant. Most of us want to be let down easy and you can model this kindness and thoughtfulness for a soon-to-be-former friend and this person may actually learn something about the value of exhibiting the traits of a good friend.

By being willing to share what was positive in the relationship with your former friend, you are also sending a message to them about some behaviors that they might value in their other relationships. You are also affirming to yourself the behaviors that are of value to you, as well. Friendships are social exchange microsystems, so at some point, you received some form of benefit from your original investment in the relationship. If this person was just someone to speak to at work, then acknowledge that they had been able to help you feel more comfortable on the job. If they were willing to watch your pets one weekend or water your flowers or accompany you to a wine tasting or book club meeting, acknowledge this past kindness. While this may not be easy to do, it will leave you feeling so much better about how you chose to manage the break-up.

3. Shut down any “revenge fantasies ” before they take hold.

While some people enjoy getting caught up in the conflict at hand and wallow in their anger and negativity, this is not the best choice for their mental health or emotional well-being. If you have been the victim of intentional hurt, offense, or disrespect, it is normal to feel anger and, for some, to have the desire to see the perpetrator face consequences for their behavior. Obsessing about this desire, however, is extremely detrimental to your own well-being.

Researchers have revealed some interesting things about the anticipated joy that is expected to occur through inflicting punishment /revenge on others. It turns out that the pleasure in plotting revenge actually diminishes your psychological well-being and engaging in punishment is further detrimental to your state-of-mind. Imagining retribution against your former friend causes you to hold onto negative feelings and engage in rumination much longer than if you just let the transgression go and move on in your life.

While forgiveness may be suggested by some as the key to a peaceful heart, not everyone is capable of forgiving those who have hurt them. However, consciously reminding yourself to “let it go” when you find yourself replaying the conflict in your head and actually “letting it go” is an achievable goal. The saying that living well is the best revenge may actually be true. It is important to keep yourself from allowing your former friend to have further control of your thoughts and feelings once the “friendship expiry date,” as it can be described, has passed.

We are conducting a survey on the toll that the pandemic may have taken on social relationships. If you would like to share your experiences, please click on this link to complete the survey: Friendscapes and the Pandemic

Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D. , is a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University.

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Toxic Friends: When and How to Break Up with Toxic People

Just like knowing when to end a bad romantic relationship , knowing when to break off a toxic friendship is just as important in maintaining your mental health. But we tend to be a lot more lenient when it comes to platonic friendships. In fact, studies have shown that people are less likely to end friendships in comparison to breaking up with romantic partners (Furman & Rose, 2015). But what exactly justifies ending a friendship? 

What is a toxic friend?

Friendships should be mutually beneficial. Whether you two share fun memories or emotional support, you should both be getting something out of the friendship. Many friendships start to become toxic when they become one-sided ( Williams-Harold, 2000). For example, you could have a friend who solely relies on you for ranting and emotional support, without ever asking how you’re doing. Or you could even have someone who asks to borrow money all the time, making you feel used. 

There are various signs of someone being toxic, however, the majority of them boil down to the friend focusing more on themselves than on your friendship. Some specific signs of to a toxic friend include (Williams-Harold, 2000):

• Excessive drama
• A tendency to make everything about them
• Being constantly put down to boost their own insecurities
• Unnecessary competition
• Jealousy over your other friends and relationships
• Feeling overly responsible for them 

Once this feeling of dread surrounding a certain person sets in, it may be time to reevaluate your friendship and look for signs that it’s time to break it off. 

What attracts us to toxic people?

Do you ever feel like you just attract toxic people? Science may have an answer for why that is. A recent study found that people may be attracted to deviant personalities and toxic behaviors (Gutiérrez et. all, 2016). The study analyzed various pathological personality traits ranging in severity within 959 men and women aged 16 to 67. The participants were asked questions relating to their current relationships, job history and income, education, and other socioeconomic factors.

The results showed a significant finding. Those with neurotic traits such as impulsiveness attracted more romantic and platonic relationships. What’s more, these pathologically reckless women also gained 34% more long-term partners and 73% had more children than average. 

So why do we love these negative traits so much? The same study hypothesized that this is because we find these behaviors “captivating” and we may feel a strong desire to better or help those with these traits. Instead of viewing those people as “selfish, irresponsible, and rule-breaking”, we see them as “independent, risk-taking, and brave”. We may even envy their seemingly frantic and exciting lives at times, the researchers said. For obsessive personalities, we may actually be drawn to their serious, cautious, and reliable qualities as well. From an evolutionary perspective, we interpret someone obsessive as having more secured resources, which, in turn, guarantees survival for us. 

Toxic traits and narcissism

While there may not be a technical, textbook definition of “toxic”, science is working towards finding commonalities amongst these negative traits associated with toxic behavior. In a series of studies from the University of Copenhagen, over 2,500 people were tested with a focus on the nine common negative traits : egoism, Machiavellianism, moral disengagement, narcissism, psychological entitlement, psychopathy, sadism, self-interest, and spitefulness (Moshagen, Hilbig & Zettler, 2018). Participants were assessed based on their answers to various agree or disagree questions such as “I know that I am special because everyone keeps telling me so.” Likewise, the researchers also recorded self-reported behaviors including impulsivity. They did this in order to find a common denominator factor present in all 9 traits. 

Ultimately, this common denominator, or “D-factor”, ended up being the general tendency to maximize one’s interests and goals over others. In other words, they focused on themselves more than others. While it doesn’t seem like the best trait to have in a friend, this quality manifests itself in many ways as toxic friendship behavior. 

When to break off a toxic friendship

Your friend isn’t there for you at your most vulnerable.

Good friends care for you when you need it most without expecting anything in return. They are good listeners and genuinely care about you and your well-being. When you are struggling, your good friends are empathetic and compassionate. You may often feel like you can go through the ups and downs with them. They share your successes and happiness and celebrate with you.

A toxic friend on the other hand will demand and take a lot, but give very little back. They only look out for themselves and their relationship with you is a  matter of what they can gain. You may find that they are calculative when it comes to helping you, but guilting when you are not able to help them. 

Look for empathy

More and more modern research is beginning to highlight the importance of empathy in close relationships. In fact, empathy may just be one of the key differences between toxic and non-toxic friends (Ciarrochi, et. all, 2017). In one study, researchers assessed empathy and emotional insight in participants through measuring verbal and facial responses to emotion-evoking videotapes (Roberts & Strayer, 1996). They also took into account ratings from best friends, parents, and teachers. Ultimately, they found that those with high empathy and emotional insight had more pro-social behavior, more cooperation with peers, and better ratings from friends. 

Empathy develops in children through their understanding of how others feel and how their actions affect those feelings (Mikulincer, Shaver, Gillath & Nitzberg, 2005). As both an emotional and cognitive experience, empathy emerges very early on starting with infancy. By pre-school and early elementary school, the cognitive components take the forefront and children are able to recognize that their actions have consequences that affect others. Those with toxic traits may lack some of this understanding. Empathy is a primary component of warmth, and we touch on how to improve this in our article on developing charisma . Try seeking out as many face-to-face interactions as possible, as this helps trigger empathy in our brains!

Your friend is immature and irresponsible

Good friends want you to succeed and want to help you get there. They will make sure that you are comfortable in whatever situation they put you in, as they genuinely care about your well-being. More often than not, toxic friends will recklessly involve you in situations that you are not comfortable with. Maybe they encourage you to spend the night partying when you really don’t feel like it? Because of this, unlike a responsible friend, they won’t stop you from making bad decisions. Toxic people also have weak morals, and when things go wrong, they may even advise you not to take ownership of your doings (Güroğlu, et. all, 2007).

A study found that toxic friendships contribute a lot to negative effects on academic performance because of this (Alami, 2016). The study’s goal was to assess the causal factors affecting poor academic performance in college students. To do so they analyzed 151 college essays and categorized factors that the students mentioned into 4 groups: student-related factors, teacher-related factors, family-related factors, and friendship-related factors. The researchers found that student and friendship-related factors had the greatest impact on poor academic performance. Specifically, toxic friendships were more likely to encourage a negative attitude towards college and education, smoking, disrespecting teachers, and dismissing lessons. It’s important to realize just how much of an impact the people around you have.

Have confidence to break up with a toxic friend

Positive, generous, and non-confrontational people tend to attract this type of toxic person because they have trouble speaking up for themselves and can tend to tolerate more than they (Gutiérrez et. all, 2016). In order to stand up to someone toxic like this, improving your self-esteem and confidence is the best way to start. A lack of self-confidence most likely stems from a fear of failure or something going wrong. Key-note speaker, author, and coach Margie Warrell recommends visualization as the first step in improving confidence, as it activates the same neural circuitry in the brain as doing something in reality (Warrell, 2015). Visualize yourself standing up to that toxic person, it’ll make a difference! 

Don’t ignore toxic behaviors 

Recognizing some of these signs as early as possible is the best way to get out of a toxic friendship. If you continuously ignore or excuse your friend’s negative behaviors, you may eventually feel like you have dug yourself into a hole that you are unable to get out of. 

How self care app LIFE Intelligence can help

Toxic friends can affect you physically, mentally, and emotionally. That’s why having a way to manage your thoughts and feelings is so important in improving your mental health. The LIFE Intelligence self-care app is the perfect convenient tool for mastering the most challenging parts of life, including tenuous friendships. Its 9-step (Mission) program guides you through mental health, self-awareness, goal setting, regret and time management, decision making, stress management, relationships, conflict resolution, and leadership. 

Mission 7 is all about attachment and relationships, encompassing both romantic partners and friendships. Mission 7.5 in particular focuses on creating close connections with others. Understanding how to generate deep and meaningful friendships with other people will help you sort through those toxic people who aren’t truly your friends.

Vall, G., Gutiérrez, F., Peri, J. M., Gárriz, M., Baillés, E., Garrido, J. M., & Obiols, J. E. (2016). Seven dimensions of personality pathology are under sexual selection in modern Spain. Evolution and Human Behavior, 37(3), 169-178.

Warrel, M. (2015). Use It Or Lose It: The Science Behind Self-Confidence. Forbes.

Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., Gillath, O., & Nitzberg, R. A. (2005). Attachment, Caregiving, and Altruism: Boosting Attachment Security Increases Compassion and Helping. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(5), 817-839.

Roberts, W., & Strayer, J. (1996). Empathy, emotional expressiveness, and prosocial behavior. Child Development, 67(2), 449-470.

Alami, M. (2016). Causes of Poor Academic Performance among Omani. Students. International Journal of Social Science Research, 4(1), 126-136.

Güroğlu, B., Van Lieshout, C. F., Haselager, G. J., & Scholte, R. H. (2007). Similarity and complementarity of behavioral profiles of friendship types and types of friends: Friendships and psychosocial adjustment. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 17(2), 357-386.

Williams-Harold, B. (2000). The death of friendship. Black Elegance, 126, 30.

Furman, W., & Rose, A. J. (2015). Friendships, romantic relationships, and peer relationships. Handbook of child psychology and developmental science, 1-43.

Ciarrochi, J., Parker, P. D., Sahdra, B. K., Kashdan, T. B., Kiuru, N., & Conigrave, J. (2017). When empathy matters: The role of sex and empathy in close friendships. Journal of personality, 85(4), 494-504.

Moshagen, M., Hilbig, B. E., & Zettler, I. (2018). The dark core of personality. Psychological Review, 125(5), 656–688.

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Toxic Friends Essay Example

• Pages: 3 (644 words)
• Published: September 3, 2016
• Type: Essay

Friendship is the most wonderful relationship that anyone can have. Ideally a friend is a person who offers love and respect and will never leave or betray you. Friendship is a beautiful bond that requires a lot of work. A Friendship is a gift from god.

Good morning to my educator and follow classmates my topic for discussion is the true meaning of friendship in the world we live in today

Life's sloppy...You think you know how tomorrow's going to be, you've made your plans, everything is set in place, and then the unimaginable happens. Life catches you by surprise. It always does. But there's good mixed in with the bad. It's there. You just have to recognize it.”

The world has become much more interdependent so that

our friends succeeding can now harm us as much as our enemies threatening, and our rivals collapsing can hurt us as much as their rising. It’s a world where a cheap YouTube video made by an individual can cause us so much trouble. People have also changed. Humans display dark qualities such as envy, greed, resentment, desire to dominate, Money crazy, Unreliability, these cause bad friendships which are also known as toxic friendships

Toxic friendships stresses you out, uses you, are unreliable, demand too much, and don't give anything back. After spending time in these sorts of friendships you are likely to feel bad about yourself instead of good. Your toxic friend might be someone who tends to be critical of you. Or they might be a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they're not very good fo

If you’re trying to work out if you are in a toxic friendship; there are a few things you can look out for. Toxic friendships can often involve your friend: generally having an angry attitude toward life gossiping about others reminding you of your past failures acting in a manipulative way. What to do about toxic friendships Start taking better care of yourself and make your own wellbeing more important than the toxic friendship. You don’t want to become a negative influence for yourself or others because you haven’t been looking after yourself!

Say no when they ask you for something that you don't want to give, and point out to them when they are mean or critical to you. You don’t have to feel put down or be unhappy because of someone else, and good friends don’t make you feel that way. If they really care about you, they won’t want to hurt you and will be willing to change their behaviour. Remember fake friends can cause much more damage to you than a real enemy. Some of the reasons why friendships change are:

1. Additional Love – When friendship is based on some kind of social, financial or professional "benefit" from the other, the equations change as soon as the "benefits" disappear

2. The Chanakya Effect - Chanakya said that true friendship only blossoms when it’s between equals. When a friend becomes more successful than the other, comparison starts to set in.

3. Three is crowd - a third person can very well influence a friendship. 4. Ego Battles - Everyone has an ego. Friendship requires ego

sacrifice. Unfortunately ego is like an elastic rubber-band. It can only be stretched to a certain extent.

5. Communication Breakdown - when people stop talking to each other openly, misunderstandings start growing. Misunderstandings slowly become mistrust. Friendship is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast, a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. A friend to all is a friend to none

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Identifying Toxic Friendships: Knowing When To Step Away

Content warning: This article includes references to topics that may be considered triggering. Please proceed with discretion. If you are in need of immediate support, you can contact the Crisis Text Line at any time by texting HOME to 741741. If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Strong friendships can be beneficial to your mental health and overall well-being. However, like any relationship, friendships have the potential to develop draining, distressing, unhealthy, or otherwise toxic dynamics. Since this type of connection can be harmful to your health and well-being, it can be helpful to understand the warning signs of a potentially toxic friendship so you can make informed decisions that support your well-being. 

The importance of healthy friendships and social connections

A healthy friendship may offer many different kinds of benefits, such as emotional support, fun, inspiration, and a sense of belonging. Friends can help us feel seen and remind us that we’re not alone in whatever we may be facing in life, and good friends can help each other grow. Strong friendships could also have positive health impacts. For instance, consider a research review on the topic indicating that social connectedness may predict mental health overall. More broadly, the experience of chronic loneliness has been tied to a set of potential negative health outcomes that even include an increased risk of mortality, so the importance of strong social connections has never been more apparent.

However, not all friendships are created equal, and those with unhealthy dynamics may do more harm than good. They have the potential to cause stress and loneliness and damage self-esteem, and they may even contribute to the development of a mental health condition like anxiety or depression. That’s why learning to identify potentially harmful elements of a friendship or any other relationship can be so important, so you can recognize when it may be time to take a step back for your own well-being.

What is a toxic friendship?

A toxic relationship is one characterized by unhealthy behaviors and ways of interacting that harm one or both parties. Toxic relationships can exist between family members, coworkers, romantic partners, or platonic friends. Healthy friendships are usually marked by respect, mutual support, and kindness, while unhealthy or toxic friendships may feature dishonesty, insults, frequent conflict, or manipulation. Spending time in this dynamic may be emotionally exhausting and distressing.

Note that a friendship can start out positively but develop unhealthy elements over time, or these elements may show themselves from the beginning. Also note that no relationship is perfect, but that the difference between a naturally flawed human relationship and an unhealthy or toxic one usually comes down to the magnitude of the problems and how they are handled by the person(s) causing them. 

For example, occasionally bickering about a certain topic may not be cause for much concern, but having a friend erupt into an aggressive and angry tantrum when you disagree with their opinion could be dangerous and a sign to leave. Similarly, consider a situation where a friend is using a nickname for you that hurts your feelings. If you ask them to stop and they apologize and honor your request, that’s generally a sign of a healthy friendship characterized by respect and strong communication. If they continue to use it or mock you for feeling bad about it, this is likely a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. Remember, if you feel that your emotional or physical safety is at risk in a relationship, you have every right to exit the situation.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate support, advice, and assistance.

Warning signs of a potentially toxic friendship

What constitutes an unhealthy friendship may vary from case to case, depending on the individuals and the circumstances of the friendship. Generally speaking, however, the following signs may indicate an unhealthy or potentially toxic dynamic:

• Insults. Excessive insults or criticism may be a sign of an unhealthy friendship dynamic—especially if they continue after you’ve made it clear that it’s causing you distress. For example, toxic friends might put you down or insult you, only to play it off as “just a joke” or tell you that you’re being too sensitive if you raise your concerns.
• Speaking badly about you. If you find that a friend spreads rumors, makes fun, or speaks negatively about you behind your back, your friendship is unlikely to be healthy. Safe friendships are usually characterized by trust, kindness, and respect—even when you're not in the same room.
• Disrespecting boundaries. Being respectful of personal boundaries —from how often you communicate to limits on your personal space—may be considered another important feature of a healthy friendship. Someone who ignores your reasonable requests and doesn’t show care for your comfort or safety is likely a toxic friend.
• Imbalance. In a toxic friendship, you may feel as though you’re putting more into the relationship than the other person. For example, you might be providing all the emotional support or making all the plans while the other person does very little and even makes additional demands on your time or energy. If you call this to their attention and they brush it off or nothing changes, the friendship may not be in your best interest anymore.
• Frequent conflict. It’s natural for conflict to occur from time to time, but frequent or explosive fights may be cause for concern.
• Manipulation. Manipulation can take a variety of forms , such as coercion, the silent treatment, love-bombing, and gaslighting. In practice, these could look like a toxic friend making you feel guilty for spending time with other friends, attempting to weaponize the things you say, or threatening to reveal information you’ve told them in confidence. 

These are just a few examples of behaviors that could be symptomatic of a toxic friendship. Remember that the presence of one of these behaviors doesn’t automatically mean someone is a “toxic person” or that you should abandon the connection immediately. Relationships of all kinds take work and will have their ups and downs. That said, if you notice a pattern of the above behaviors in your friendship, you may want to reconsider how this connection is affecting you and whether it’s worth continuing to engage in it.

When to walk away from a toxic friendship

Deciding to take a step back from a toxic friendship may be challenging, particularly if you still care about the other person as a friend. In some cases, salvaging the friendship may be possible through practicing open communication and setting firm boundaries. The potential success of these strategies may depend on factors like your friend’s commitment to the relationship and the exact nature of the toxic dynamic. In other situations, you may find that the best thing to do for your mental health and well-being is to take a break from the friendship altogether—either temporarily or permanently. 

Getting support in managing your relationships 

Whether you decide to try and work on your friendship or step away, it’s natural to have conflicting or difficult emotions about the situation. You might find yourself experiencing feelings of guilt, confusion, frustration, sadness, anxiety, or anger, and you might go back and forth on what to do. If you’re looking for support as you decide how to handle a troubling friendship, a therapist can be a helpful person to lean on. They may be able to offer a more objective view of the situation, give advice on prioritizing your mental health, and provide a safe space to discuss your emotions about the friendship. 

That said, regularly attending in-person therapy may be challenging, especially for those who may feel drained as a result of a toxic friendship or those who are already juggling full schedules. In these cases, online therapy can represent a more convenient alternative to traditional, in-office sessions since it offers the option to meet with a licensed provider via phone or video call from the comfort of home. Since research suggests that outcomes of online and in-person therapy appear to be comparable in most cases, you can usually choose whichever format works best for you.

Relationships of any type have the potential to develop unhealthy dynamics that can be harmful to one or more participants—friendships included. Some signs that a friendship could be unhealthy or toxic include frequent insults, excessive or explosive conflict, speaking badly about one another, and disrespect of boundaries. If you’re having trouble deciding how to handle a difficult friendship, meeting with a therapist to talk it out could be helpful.

• How To Navigate A Friendship Breakup Medically reviewed by April Justice , LICSW
• Best friend quotes to express how special your friendship is Medically reviewed by April Justice , LICSW
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