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• Section 4. Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Chapter 28 Sections

• Section 1. Overview: Some Spiritual Assets for Community Building
• Section 2. Being Compassionate
• Section 3. Being Charitable Towards Others
• Section 5. Promoting Peace
• Section 6. Spreading Hope
• Section 7. Promoting Hospitality as a Way of Life
• Section 8. Mindfulness and Community Building
• Section 9. Gratitude and Appreciation
• Section 10. Mercy
• Main Section

Image from Reconciliation Regina , a community-led process of reconciliation to honor, acknowledge, and accept responsibility for, to own, and participate in redressing the harm done from residential schools.

This section has grown out of the work of The Forgiveness Project,  www.theforgivenessproject.com . This and other sections in the Tool Box chapter on Spirituality and Community Building ( Chapter 28 ) have been written with the support and contributions of experts connected with the Charter for Compassion,  www.charterforcompassion.org .

Introduction

Forgiveness and reconciliation can occur in every sphere of human experience, including individual, community, national, and trans-national levels. In this section of the Community Tool Box, we will explore these common yet complicated aspects of our human existence, describe their importance for personal and community well-being, and illustrate, with many real-life stories, how they might be applied in positive ways to heal and strengthen both individuals and communities.

In any discussion about forgiveness and reconciliation, it is important to make a distinction between the two before analyzing each of them in greater detail. On the one hand, forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the wrongdoer. There may be good reasons why you do not wish to reconcile. Reconciliation is an additional choice. On the other hand, it is nearly impossible to reconcile with someone you have not gone some way to forgive.

We begin with some general thoughts about forgiveness and reconciliation, and their place in the spiritual and community worlds.

• Forgiveness is both a process and a choice, and may be both intrapersonal and interpersonal. It is a complex and enigm­atic concept, hard to pin down because it can apply in different ways to different situations; not everyone experiences it in the same manner. For some, it may result in reducing a personal hurt that makes life easier; for others, it may mean reconciling with an enemy and being able to live side by side again.
• If legislated or regulated in any way, forgiveness may become fraught with difficulty. As Richard Wilson, whose sister was murdered in Burundi, put it: “In Burundi, the rhetoric of forgiveness has been used by politicians to avoid accountability.” Similarly, John Braithwaite, a pioneer of the Restorative Justice movement, wrote: “Forgiveness is a gift victims can give. We destroy its power as a gift by making it a duty.” This means that any group movement towards forgiveness might best start with individual storytelling, without any coercion to forgive.
• However, community leaders should also understand that if community members – including both authorities and civilians – adopt a forgiving attitude, that can be a very useful public health and community-building tool; multiple studies have shown that forgiveness produces better health outcomes, helps sustain good relationships, and reduces anxiety (Exline et al, 2003; Luskin, 2002; Worthington and Scherer, 2004).
• Forgiveness may require relinquishing something that was important to you, such as giving up your moral indignation, your desire for retaliation, or your attachment to being right. Yet forgiveness is useful to community building, because people who forgive tend to be more flexible and less certain in their expectations, both in how life will be or how others will treat them. Forgiving people have chosen not to perpetuate a historical grievance; they are somehow able to turn the page, loosen themselves from the grip of the past, and reframe their own story.

• Reconciliation in the context of community building assumes a need, a will, or an actual effort made on the part of an individual or a group of people to live side-by-side in peace with a person or another group they had considered to be their adversaries in the past.
• However, granting that forgiveness may aid reconciliation, it is not always a condition for the latter to unfold. There may be pragmatic reasons for communities to make a conscious decision not to seek to punish or retaliate. This is a form of “pardoning,” which may lead to reconciliation but is different from forgiveness. Just as a victim may forgive a perpetrator serving a prison sentence but still see the necessity for them to be incarcerated, equally a victim may still feel resentment towards a perpetrator but see the practical sense of not doing anything about it in order to end a cycle of violence.
• Finally, while forgiveness may be considered one’s own private business – a visceral and intimate process – reconciling with others who caused you harm or whom you hurt is an outward gesture made to re-connect with others and to renew relationships. In this sense, reconciliation lies at the heart of building and maintaining peace in a community, especially in promoting local reconciliation initiatives between divided communities and the reintegration of people released from prison back into society.
• In time, people may realize that holding on to resentment has a cost (both personally and communally), and therefore instead choose to release their bitterness and anger. Only then they can start to work on ways of developing plans to repair the harm.

With this orientation in mind, we turn to examine some key questions relating to forgiveness, reconciliation, and their community applications.

What do we mean by forgiveness and reconciliation?

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the principled decision to give up your justified right for revenge; it also requires the forgiver to recognize that the offender is “human like myself.” As the British philosopher and poet David Whyte has written: “It is that wounded…un-forgetting part of us that…makes forgiveness an act of compassion rather than one of simple forgetting.” Following hurt, pain, or atrocity, forgiveness can potentially bring resolution and freedom. It is a practical way of preventing the pain of the past from defining the path of the future.

Forgiveness is often categorized as having two distinct forms:

• Unilateral forgiveness: This requires nothing in return. It is an act of generosity on the part of the victim(s). There can be many different motives; for instance, it may stem from compassion for an offender, the wish to free oneself from pain, or simply a pragmatic means of moving forward.
• Bilateral forgiveness: This involves an exchange. It is a contractual relationship between people or groups, dependent on apology and remorse. It is often tied up with justice, as it involves the paying of a social debt.

It's important to recognize that if you attach too many conditions to forgiveness it may become almost the opposite, with characteristics akin to being vengeful or vindictive.

Some Key Points about Forgiveness

• Process: Forgiveness is not a single magnanimous gesture in response to an isolated offense, but a longer-term, fluid, and ever-changing process where people work towards repairing broken relationships, or broken hearts.
• Recognition: Forgiveness is about recognizing that life is messy and unpredictable – that we are all fallible human beings capable of messing up. It requires a broad perspective.
• Empathy: Forgiveness is more than just accepting or letting go, because it requires a degree of empathy or compassion. It is the ability to place yourself in someone else’s life (empathy) and to act according to this empathic connection you feel towards your fellow human beings (compassion).
• Reconciliation: Forgiveness is different from reconciliation, which requires some kind of peace process and the coming together in unity of two or more formerly hostile sides.

​It’s important to note that forgiveness does not exclude a passionate or painful response to being hurt, or witnessing others being hurt. Anger, sorrow, rage, and despair are a part of the process, and may be the launching pad for forgiveness. Essentially, this means that we do not endlessly replay past gripes and grievances; it is rather the ability to live with the hurt without being held captive by it; it means not being defined by those who have hurt us and not being broken by our own victimhood.

Common Themes in Forgiveness

It would be a mistake to impose a false uniformity onto highly diverse forgiveness perspectives. Forgiveness can be viewed as a cognitive process, a narrative or journey, a philosophical position, or a combination of these. However, definitions of forgiveness have tended to express some commonality. Sells and Hargrave (1998) conducted an extensive literature review of empirical and theoretical forgiveness studies. They found that every definition or theory of forgiveness they encountered contained each of the following underlying principles:

• There is an injury or violation with subsequent emotional or physical pain.
• The violation results in a broken or fragmented relationship between parties.
• Perpetuation of injury is halted.
• A cognitive process is pursued where the painful event or action is understood or reframed with a fuller context.
• There is a release or letting go of justifiable emotion and retaliation related to the event.
• There is a regeneration of the relationship.

​Regeneration does not necessarily occur, especially when the offender cannot be communicated with (for any of a variety of reasons). But the first five elements, when combined, are good starting points in a discussion about the process of forgiveness.

Reconciliation

Reconciliation refers to the restoration of fractured relationships by overcoming grief, pain, and anger . It is, as Karen Broenus has written, “a societal process that involves mutual acknowledgment of past suffering and the changing of destructive attitudes and behavior into constructive relationships toward sustainable peace.”

The path toward reconciliation can also be described as a lifelong journey going in two directions: inward, towards self-discovery and reconciling with suffering, and outward, toward recognizing and perhaps forgiving others. It is both an intrapersonal and an interpersonal exercise, each aspect advancing the more deeply a person discovers that reconciliation is possible both within and without.

Some Key Points about Reconciliation

Reconciliation can be seen as a five-step process, including:

• Developing a shared vision of an interdependent and fair society
• Acknowledging and dealing with the past
• Building positive relationships
• Facilitating significant cultural and attitudinal change
• Enabling substantial social, economic, and political change.

Reconciliation can also involve the reframing of identity.

Typically, this also has key elements and steps, often including:

• Understanding the threat to people’s identity
• Seeking to move individuals from singular affiliation to multiple identity; e.g., away from “I am a Serb” to “I am a Serb, a European, a civil rights activist, a trade unionist…etc.”
• Deconstructing or reconstructing an individual’s identity frames
• Separating group and individual identities
• Dismantling of enemy images and misrepresentations that demonize the “other”
• Looking for a common vision or threat around which to unite.

What is the importance of forgiveness for Community Building?

• Forgiveness can bring new insights
• Forgiveness can help transform attitudes
• Forgiveness can help repair broken relationships
• Forgiveness can help break the cycle of violence

​Individuals choose forgiveness for a number of reasons in times of hurt and trauma. In his book Unattended Sorrow , Stephen Levine writes that when trauma disturbs our future, deeper psychological wounds may persist; and “Long after the shrapnel is removed, the inner war continues” (Levine, 2005, p. 67).

For some, forgiveness is a personal decision as part of their own self-healing process: Forgiveness liberates people from the resentment and anger that they have carried with them. Some feel inspired to forgive, because they experience compassion for those who have hurt them; others see a spiritual value in forgiveness, because they recognize that we are all connected and are therefore each individual is in some way responsible for the pain in the world.

When it comes to the specific role forgiveness may play in community building, we can offer these propositions:

• Forgiveness can contribute to creating a foundation for dialogue.
• It can help release bitterness and anger, and facilitate the re-humanization of the “other.” This is key to the reconciliation process, which cannot happen without eradicating dehumanization.
• It can induce a shift in mindsets and transform harmful attitudes.
• It can build bridges between opposing parties, and help repair fractured relationships.
• It can help break the cycle of violence, aid post-traumatic reconciliation, build a more peaceful common future, and ultimately sustain peace.

​Forgiveness Can Bring New Insights

A first step in community building is recognizing that we are all capable of harm, given the right circumstances. The Russian author and dissident Alexander Solzhenitsyn wrote in The Gulag Archipelago : “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” (Solzhenitsyn. 2003, p. 75).

[Note: Citations for the case examples to follow are found under the “Online Resources” heading at the end of this section.]

Case Example: Bosnia When Kemal Pervanic, a survivor of the notorious Omarska concentration camp in Bosnia , returned to Bosnia some years after the end of the war, he recognized the cruellest of his former Serb camp guards standing by the road hitch-hiking. The image caused Pervanic to react in way that might seem surprising – he started to laugh. “What else could I do?” he explains. “I didn’t want to swear or scream or get violent. I laughed because I remembered the monster this man had been. But now, hitch-hiking alone on a dusty road, he looked almost pitiful. People describe these people as monsters, born with a genetically mutant gene, but I don’t believe that. I believe every human being is capable of killing.”

Forgiveness Can Help Transform Attitudes

Forgiveness and reconciliation in this context are therefore about shifting and even transforming people’s attitudes, prejudices, and perceptions about the “other.” Forgiveness isn’t an act of kindness born out of the victim’s generosity, but rather a re-humanizing gift emphasizing the humanity of the perpetrator. In other words, it is about reducing fear through the recognition of the human being in “the enemy.” In the softening of positions comes the acknowledgement and possibility of each side’s complicity.

Case Example: Palestine and Israel     This is well demonstrated in the case of Palestinian Bassam Aramin, and Israeli Rami Elhanan, who both lost young daughters in the Israel-Palestine conflict . As Bassam says in the film about his and Rami’s life, Within the Eye of the Storm : “If you want to change others, first you have to change yourself.” Rami Elhanan describes the suicide bomber who killed his daughter as a “victim, just like my daughter, grown crazy out of anger and shame.” He also reflects, “When this happened to my daughter I had to ask myself whether I’d contributed in any way. The answer was that I had – my people had, for ruling, dominating and oppressing three-and-a-half million Palestinians for 35 years.”

Forgiveness Can Help Repair Broken Relationships

Another way forgiveness and reconciliation promote community building is that they allow people who were once hostile towards one another to live together again. Forgiving past wrongs may be a key to reconciliation between friends, family members, spouses, neighbors, races, cultures, and nations. More complete reconciliation means that we engage co-participants honestly and respectfully in the construction of a newer world through meaningful and faithful relationships. The process results in decreased motivation to retaliate or maintain estrangement from an offender despite his or her actions.

Case Example: Senegal Salimata Badji-Knight was brought up in a Muslim community in Senegal , where she was circumcised at the age of five. “ Today my three sisters work with me to stop the practice of female genital mutilation (FGM). Even my mother now understands that it’s a violation of human rights and has told me that she had never wanted to put me through FGM and had done everything in her power to protect me. Hearing this made me happy, as it created a closer relationship between the two of us and I no longer blame her for what happened to me. In addition, before he died, I was able to have a good talk with my father. I opened my heart to him and explained how female circumcision could affect you physically and mentally. He cried and said that no woman had ever explained the suffering to him. Then he apologized and asked for forgiveness. The next day he called my relatives in Senegal and told them to stop the practice. As a result, a meeting was cancelled and 50 girls were saved.”

Forgiveness Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence

Finally, forgiveness can help end violence. “It is the responsibility of the living to heal the dead.” Alexandra Asseily , founder of the Centre for Lebanese Studies in Oxford and creator of the Garden of Forgiveness in Lebanon, has spoken and written extensively about the repetitive nature of conflict; that consciously (and unconsciously) held grievances are received by each new generation through an ancestral bond that can only be released through forgiveness and compassion.

Case Example: Lebanon Asseily has described the deep ancestral connection she felt with the “agony of war,” which manifested in her own life during the civil war in Lebanon between 1975 and 1990. She has spoken about the horror of seeing her good Christian friends destroying everything she had worked for with their Muslim neighbors. “I saw grievances being played out that went back to the Crusades,” she said, explaining why she would not wear a cross for 20 years. “It was after I came to London that I tried to make sense of my life and started to ask the question,  ‘ W hat is it that makes me at the same time human and inhuman ?’”

In a similar vein, Kay Pranis, a pioneer of restorative justice in the United States, is convinced that while the victim has a right not to reconcile with the wrongdoer, the community must accept an offender when he or she transitions from prison back into the neighborhood (Cantacuzino, 2013, p. 10). “It is the community’s responsibility to reconcile with the one who has harmed, because if they do not, they set up the next victimization,” she says.

In both of the above examples, as well as in the case of the Israeli Rami Elhanan, citizens who may not be directly responsible for a conflict nevertheless take responsibility for repairing the harm. This recognition of the interconnection of all human life seems a key component of forgiveness. As the psychologist Erik Erikson (1902-1994), famous for his work on the conceptualization of identity, put it: “Living together means more than incidental proximity. It means that the individual’s life-stages are ‘interliving,’ cogwheeling with the stages of others which move him along as he moves them” (Erikson, 1964, p. 114).

What Are Favorable Conditions for Forgiveness and Reconciliation in Community Building?

There are three in particular:

• In post-conflict situations (i.e., not being in the midst of active conflict)
• In peace-building
• When the law is inadequate​

In Post -c onflict Situations

Forgiveness can help reconcile two opposing sides in almost any situation. However, in the midst of violent conflict it may not be safe or expedient to talk about forgiveness. It is a concept that irks some people, and to suggest forgiveness when past grievances are currently being played out – when people are hell-bent on survival on the one hand, whilst destroying the enemy on the other – may be insensitive and counter-productive.

In P eace - building

Forgiveness can be a critical ingredient in rebuilding broken relationships and repairing damaged communities. It can be an important part of any peace-building process, and sometimes the only thing that can help divided communities move toward reconciliation. Festering trauma so easily has the capacity to become festering dehumanization; since both sides may believe there is risk in equality, they therefore adopt fear-based thinking such as: “If you’re equal to me, then you may harm me.” Sometimes it takes something radical like empathy, forgiveness, and reconciliation to break this impasse.

Case Example: England Denise Green’s son died in 1992 in Alder Hey Children’s Hospital in Liverpool, U.K. , where his organs were later used, without her permission, for research purposes. News of what had happened to Denise and hundreds of other bereaved parents caused a national scandal in England in the late 1990s with headlines such as, “Burying your baby once is bad enough – to do it again is just agony.” Denise’s fury in the end led to forgiveness, a positive decision which not only healed her but restored relationships with the professionals. “I chose forgiveness because I did not want to be destroyed by bitterness,” she says. “What happened was out of my control, but how I respond is within my control. Subsequently, the medical profession hasn’t shut me out. I can sit down and talk to pathologists because I’m not out to attack them. They realize I want to listen and learn. And they too have learned from me.”

When the L aw is I nadequate

Forgiveness can be especially advantageous when the law has been inadequate in exacting measured retribution. Justice is dependent on the existence of an authority perceived as just; so when that is absent, who then can bring justice?

In the insightful documentary Beyond Right and Wrong , Lord John Alderdice, psychiatrist and negotiator for the Northern Ireland Peace Agreement, warns: “If you simply hold tight to the requirement of justice come hell or high water, then you probably won’t find it possible to move forward. But if you try to move forward without attending to the pain and the hurt of the injustice and the trauma of the past, your move forward will probably be illusory, and you will carry some of that difficulty into the future and into your relationships as an individual or as a community.” Forgiveness then comes into play.

In South Africa, leaders sought to attend to the hurt of injustice and the trauma of the past through formation of a Truth and Reconciliation Commission, as noted below.

Case Example: South Africa In 1993, Amy Biehl , an American student working in South Africa against apartheid, was stabbed to death in a Black township near Cape Town. In 1998, the four young men convicted of her murder were granted amnesty by the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) after serving five years of their sentence – a decision supported by Amy’s parents . Easy Nofemela, one of the convicted men, demonstrates just how important trust is in the peace process, and that it can’t be established unless individuals and communities find ways of repairing and rebuilding relationships with each other. “Not until I met Linda and Peter Biehl did I understand that white people are human beings too... The first time I saw them on TV I hated them. I thought this was the strategy of the whites, to come to South Africa to call for capital punishment. But they didn’t even mention wanting to hang us. I was very confused. They seemed to understand that the youth of the townships had carried this crisis, this fight for liberation, on their shoulders.” Photography by Brian Moody.

How can One develop and promote forgiveness and reconciliation in community building?

• Self-forgiveness
• Common stages in the engagement process
• Developing forgiveness on an individual level
• Promoting forgiveness on community level
• Cultivating dialogue
• Starting grassroots initiatives
• Utilizing the healing power of sharing stories
• Developing victim – offender programs

“Forgiveness is neither just a therapeutic technique nor simply self-regarding in its motivation. It is fundamentally a moral relation between self and other.”

– Charles Griswold

Engaging in the P rocess of F orgiveness

  Self-forgiveness

Experiencing forgiveness either towards self or others can have a constructive, life-altering effect as part of the process of healing personal pain and trauma as well as building more peaceful communities.

But much of what has been said about forgiving others also applies to forgiving yourself. That can play an important part in the positive transformation of perpetrators’ attitudes and in the process of their preparation for re-entering society as free individuals. In this context, self-forgiveness may facilitate the perpetrator’s ability and willingness to start anew and be open to becoming a non-violent and productive member of society.

 Just as with forgiving others, self-forgiveness can be a complex and at times challenging process, where one needs to address various aspects of one’s personality, mindset, and behavior to move forward. While there is no set order of actions to take, one may start with putting an end to self-punishment. This involves letting go of your self-hatred and self-pity. As with forgiving others, self-forgiveness is not about forgetting about the past or excusing bad behavior. It is about taking responsibility, healing, and changing.

It is also worth noting that self-forgiveness is different from forgiving someone else in one important way, in that it must be about reconciliation. When you forgive another, reconciliation is a choice; but an important part of forgiving yourself is to integrate your previously unacceptable characteristics so that you can accept all of who you are without self-sabotaging, which can lead to self-abuse or any type of addiction.

Luskin (2002) makes a helpful distinction by breaking self-forgiveness into four main categories:

• —Failing at one of life’s important tasks – graduating from college, getting married, having children, etc.
• Not taking action to help yourself or someone else
• Hurting others
• Self-destructive acts

These categories can overlap; for instance, you could be upset with yourself for your alcohol abuse and the impact it has on your spouse. Self-forgiveness can also be an aspect of interpersonal forgiveness. While you can be angry and upset with someone else for hurting you, you can also be angry and upset with yourself for the part you may have played.

Learning to forgive yourself gives you the freedom to heal, let go, and move on. It is a tool that allows you to become more self-aware. Moreover, some believe that you cannot forgive another until you have learned self-compassion and self-forgiveness. In this sense, forgiveness is a movement of compassion; and learning to forgive yourself is an important step in learning to become a forgiving person.

Common Stages in the Engagement Process

When aggression leads to injury, pain, and shock, people may go through different phases to deal with their hurt. The following stages may apply to the experience, thought processes, and actions of individual victims or perpetrators as well as whole groups:

Fear, anger, and revenge may maintain the cycle of violence, through

• Realization of loss
• Denial, and suppression of grief and fear
• Anger: Why me?
• Desire for justice and revenge
• Telling and retelling the “right” conflict story, leading to acts of “justified” aggression

While forgiveness may lead to breaking the cycle of violence, through

• Mourning and expressing grief
• Accepting loss and confronting fear
• Re-humanizing the enemy: Why them?
• Moving beyond tolerance
• Choosing to forgive, committing to taking risks
• Rewriting history, negotiating solutions
• Repairing your life, establishing justice that restores, leading to movement towards reconciliation

Developing Forgiveness on an Individual Level

While everyone’s process is unique, and there are no fixed steps one has to take in order to forgive, real-life stories collected by The Forgiveness Project – a secular charity based in the United Kingdom – demonstrate that there are some key attributes to being a forgiving person and some key components to going on a forgiveness journey. Highlights and lessons from many of these stories are presented below.

However, it is important to keep in mind that not everyone experiences all of these components, nor necessarily in the same order. Forgiveness is not a fixed process and it may have no completion. Triggers throughout life might throw one off course again; therefore it is probably more helpful to think of forgiveness as a direction, rather than a destination.

Some key components to a forgiveness journey

These may include:

• Feeling rage: The anger and rage elements of loss must be expressed. Anger naturally arises after being hurt and often needs to be integrated, not rooted out like some bacterial illness. Denial or suppressing anger is a survival strategy that helps some people cope for a while. However, being in denial for too long is unhealthy, as the underlying emotions evoked by a past event may become self-consuming as well as hinder one from moving beyond the initial pain.

Case Example: United States Brenda Adelman’s mother, an award-winning artist and photographer, was shot and killed in her home in Brooklyn, New York, in 1995 . Brenda's father pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter, and served two and half years in prison. Brenda’s work today focuses on helping people transform pain into healing narratives. “ The missing step was embracing my anger in a healthy way . I still felt a deep level of anger at myself for ever trusting my father, demonstrated by my over-eating. I had so much self-judgment, and you can’t really forgive someone else unless you’ve forgiven yourself. It was while taking a course in spiritual psychology that I recognized how with each negative thought directed at my father I was re-wounding myself.”

• Grieving deeply: Through the process of accepting loss and feeling the full force of grief and pain, survivors in time may learn to (1) separate themselves from the events that have happened to them, and (2) integrate these events into their lives, so that the pain of the past becomes a part of who they are without consuming them.

Case Example: England Camilla Carr, who was taken hostage in Chechnya in 1997 , held captive for 14 months, and repeatedly raped, says: “First you have to deal with anger, then with tears, and only once you reach the tears are you on the road to finding peace of mind.”

• Facing fear: It can be a lonely and isolating journey to forgive, especially when family or close friends show reluctance towards the idea of embracing forgiveness, e.g., in the case of a violent crime. Forgiveness takes courage, the willingness to explore the unknown, and resilience that enables one to follow what feels personally right.

Case Example: England Shad Ali is a British Pakistani who has lived and worked in Nottingham all his life . In July 2008, he was violently attacked when he came to the rescue of two Pakistani women who were being racially abused by a passing pedestrian. “I received a huge amount of criticism and confusion from friends and family who didn’t understand why I wanted to forgive – especially from my wife who initially felt nothing but hatred towards this man. In spite of this, forgiving has really helped me move forward after the attack. It has been about me, and has nothing to do with the man who attacked me.”

• Developing self-awareness: Understanding yourself opens up a space for understanding others. This involves giving up the expectation that life owes you something, and instead adopting a broader perspective (the realizations that life is morally complicated, that good people do bad things, and that bad things happen to good people). Such a perspective is crucial, because it allows people to have fewer black-and-white expectations of how life and others will treat them. This way of thinking says: “I can’t predict what life will hand me, but I’m going to respond to it in a way that doesn’t perpetuate the cycle of hate.”

Case Example: United States In 2005, Matthew Boger and Tim Zaal had a life-changing conversation. Both were working at the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles when they realized they had met 26 years earlier, when a group of teen-aged Nazi punks attacked and beat a gay homeless 14-year-old boy. Matthew Boger was that young boy and Tim Zaal, at age 17, was a member of the group who left Matthew for dead in a West Hollywood alley. Matthew: “I also experienced a grieving process when I forgave, because I had so identified with the events that took place when I was 14. By letting that part of me go, I mourned the person I’d known for so long. But that’s also a very beautiful thing, because what got replaced was a person who was more tolerant, more open-hearted, and a lot stronger.”

• Developing empathy: One of the turning points in the process is when the question “why me?” becomes “why them?” Forgiveness in this sense is not something that is done, but something that is discovered. And for the victim/survivor, the relevant discovery is the understanding that the offender is “human like myself.”

Case Example : England Marian Partington’s younger sister, Lucy, had been a victim of serial killers Fred and Rosemary West . “I heard [Rosemary’s] voice on tape, shouting, swearing and full of rage, and I began to have some insight into her mind. I later discovered she’d been sexually abused by her brother, then abducted from a bus stop and raped at age 17…Her story seems to be about the impoverishment of a soul that knew no other way to live than through terrible cruelty…Since then my work has been about connecting with Rosemary West’s humanity and refusing to go down the far easier and more predictable path of demonizing her.”

According to Marina Cantacuzino, founder of The Forgiveness Project – who has collected over 140 real-life stories of forgiveness – it seems that people are able to forgive heinous crimes because ultimately they are able to muster what Stephen Cherry refers to, in Healing Agony: Reimagining Forgiveness, “distasteful empathy.” It is distasteful because in order to empathize with the cruel and heartless, one has to imagine being cruel and heartless oneself.

Case Example: United States In 1999, Samantha Lawler’s father killed her mother . Samantha, at just 18, lost both parents in one fatal blow. Thirteen years later, for the first time since the murder, Samantha visited her dying father in prison. She discovered that forgiveness was “not about forgiving the act, but forgiving the imperfections which are inherent in all of us.” 

• Recognition: This seems to be the crux of forgiveness: recognizing that we are all somehow implicated, that we all have responsibility for the society we have helped create, with its bandits, thugs, killers, and saints.

Case Example: South Africa In 1993 Ginn Fourie’s daughter, Lyndi, was killed in the Heidelberg Tavern Massacre in Cape Town . In 2002 Letlapa Mphahlele, the man who master-minded the attack, invited Ginn to his homecoming ceremony and asked her to make a speech. “It was here that I was able to apologize to his people for the shame and humiliation which my ancestors had brought on them through slavery, colonialism, and apartheid. Vulnerable feelings, when expressed to other people, have the potential to establish lasting bonds.”

• Remorse: For some people, remorse is an essential ingredient to forgiving. For others, it chains the victim to the perpetrator, waiting for something the victim may never receive; therefore it may maintain the power imbalance between perpetrator and victim. But remorse for a wrongdoing can play an important part in healing the victim’s past wounds.

Case Example: Rwanda Former enemies can more easily live as neighbors and help to rebuild communities if remorse is shown, as in the case of Ngirente Philippe (a Tutsi) whose father was slaughtered by Uzabakiriho Teresphore (a Hutu) . Both men now live as neighbors in Rwanda. Philippe says of Teresphore, whom he first encountered at a gacaca (community) court: “Four months later he came to my house. He brought food and banana wine. Again he started crying and repeatedly saying how sorry he was. Eventually I escorted him home. Then my wife and I embarked on the path of true reconciliation. We wanted to do more than just forgive, but to actually live as neighbors and friends, side by side. We wanted to improve society, to respond to evil with goodness. So now his mother also comes to my home, and we share meals.”

While punitive justice can be problematic because it relies on a ”just” authority that can restore the balance, restorative justice places the emphasis on acknowledgment and accountability, which have been shown to enable those who have been harmed to move on. Acknowledging guilt is hard, because people are uncomfortable with their own shame, and afraid to recognize that they are to blame. “But unless you feel the shame, you can’t feel remorse,” contends Gobodo-Madikizela (2004).

Forgiving people, however, also recognize that some wrong-doers are simply unable to face their own shame and therefore cannot take responsibility. In other words, if you wait for remorse and apology to happen, you may wait forever.​

Case Example: England Anne, a victim of sexual abuse, has forgiven the man who repeatedly abused her during her childhood. She doesn’t believe that forgiveness requires remorse or apology (in other words, that it should be a contractual relationship between two people) because, as she says: “If I’m still waiting for my abuser to show remorse, then I’m still in his power and he’s still in control of my feelings. For me, it’s about a choice to be in the world, relating to the world in a particular way that is not perpetuating the hurt and damage that caused that particular act of violence towards me all the years ago.”

Forgiveness requires acknowledging the pain of the “other,” i.e. the person who caused you pain or harm, but not necessarily accepting injustice. This is what Rami Elhanan, whose daughter was killed by a suicide bomber in a Jerusalem market in 1997, means when he says: “We don’t have any expectations of our politicians; we need to work from below to change this endless cycle of violence.”

Case Example: Palestine and Israel Rami is a former officer in the Israeli Defense Force, and member of the Parents’ Circle - Families Forum, a group of bereaved Palestinians and Israelis who have lost family members in the conflict and now campaign for peace. Frequently Rami gives public talks alongside his Palestinian friends, such as Bassam Aramin, whose 10-year-old daughter, Abir, was killed by an Israeli soldier in 2007 . Where does forgiveness fit into this difficult dialogue between two bereaved fathers, or two communities at war? How can you forgive when the power imbalance is so vast and when justice is so far from being achieved? Rami and Bassam’s message is simple: The only real way of affecting change is through heart-to-heart discussion, one person at a time. For Rami, forgiveness is not the solution, but part of a quest to understand what makes a young man so angry that he chooses to blow himself up alongside a group of 14-year-old girls.

• Managing expectations: Crucial to forgiving is not being attached to an outcome and not making assumptions. People tend to expect others to react like them; they compare their responses to how they would respond; they blame people for not doing what they think they should.

Case Example: Sheila “A long time ago, before I found lasting happiness with my husband, I fell in love with Jack. The feeling was mutual. It was powerful and passionate and we described each other as soul mates. This was going to be the defining relationship of my life. However, just six months later Jack started to behave differently. Sensing something was wrong, I confronted him and he confessed he had strong feelings for someone else. Our relationship quickly and painfully unravelled. I was stunned, angry, and very upset. I thought of all the special things that Jack had said to me and wondered how his feelings could just have evaporated into thin air. “During the ensuing months I held onto my anger like a prized possession, nurturing it until it defined who I was, and the story I told. I felt humiliated, betrayed, and profoundly hurt. However, at some stage, I must also have realized that while this hurt was defining who I was right then and there, I didn’t want it to define who I would become. I didn’t want to carry my hurt into future relationships. “And so something shifted. I changed my lens and gained a new perspective. I came to understand that people have a right to change their minds, and that just because someone says they love you one day, doesn’t guarantee that this statement will hold true for the next. I have come to believe therefore that people don’t owe me anything, and just because they are capable of hurting me doesn’t make them into bad people: It might simply mean that my needs are greater than theirs.”

Comparing Sheila’s story – a relatively small example of harm – with all the many forgiving people who have struggled with great traumas, it seems that they too have been able to let go of an expectation that the world owes them. In other words, they don’t assume that they’ll be safe, their house won’t be burgled, they won’t get mugged, or their child won’t get killed. They have understood life’s moral complexities, that what happens to you is not always correlated with your personality, character, or behavior. The question then becomes not “why me?” but “why not me?”

• Meaning making: This component is defined as “making sense out of” and “finding significance and benefit in” what happened. It isn’t about making sense out of horror, but rather about “the intense pursuit of what matters.” In other words, when survivors pursue what matters to them they find meaning in their life again, and start acting in congruence with what they now feel is important. The by-product of this intense pursuit of meaning is that people are able to adapt to circumstances and start to develop new coping skills and new ways of belonging to society.

Case Example: United States In 2004, Cathy Harrington’s 26-year-old daughter, Leslie, was murdered in a brutal attack in her own home . “During those early years of trying to make sense of such unspeakable horror, I spent a lot of time living among the poor doing street retreats and visiting the dispossessed in Nicaragua. I found comfort there. If there was a place I could find grace, it was in the streets.”

Based on the above-mentioned key components, forgiveness can be difficult to bring about, and may require a series of challenging intellectual and emotional stages for those involved to go through.

Conditions under which forgiveness is most likely to occur

• People must have an opportunity to express their grief and rage (in small group work, restorative circles, community courts, etc.).
• People must be able to hear the other’s story (as in restorative justice initiatives).
• People must be prepared to give something up – e.g., firmly held views, assumptions, or expectations. This is something that can only be encouraged and can only come about through exposure to those with whom you were formerly in conflict.
• People must be prepared to see the others as human, like themselves.
• People must develop the ability to put meaning back into their lives and therefore bring about identity reconstruction. Engagement in such meaning-making activities rebuilds a self-identity.

To conclude our discussion of forgiveness at an individual level, the following story of the over 140 collected and shared by The Forgiveness Project sums up the complex, untidy, and often intangible journey of forgiveness:

Case Example: Canada Wilma Derksen, whose 13-year-old daughter Candace was murdered in Canada in 1984 , describes how her decision to forgive didn’t necessarily mean everything was suddenly better. She says: “Little did I know that the word ‘forgiveness’ would haunt me for the next 30 years – prod me, guide me, heal me, label me, enlighten me, imprison me, free me, and in the end define me.” She concludes: “Forgiveness is not just a one-off event, nor does it mean you’re doing the same thing again and again. The issues of Candace’s murder present themselves differently every day. Forgiveness is a fresh, on-going, ever-present position of the mind, which takes on many different forms. It’s a promise of what we want to do, a goal, a North Star, a mantra.”

Whether it is pursued due to an inner voice, family traditions, or religious teachings, forgiveness is a powerful tool in transforming people’s lives for the better. As the Michigan-based Fetzer Institute’s Campaign for Love and Forgiveness has put it, “individual transformation can lead to societal change.” While forgiveness is first and foremost a personal journey of discovery (see examples above), it also has the potential to induce positive change in entire communities. This will be discussed under the Engaging in the Reconciliation Process heading, just below.

Engaging in the Reconciliation Process

Developing Forgiveness on a Community Level

Forgiveness is often portrayed as a deeply individual process with personal healing as its prime goal. But individual traumas are often part of a larger societal trauma, and therefore larger change can often come about from healing and forgiveness at both individual and societal levels.

In the Fetzer Institute’s short documentary Being with the Energy of Love and Forgiveness, Dr. Mark Umbreit, founding director of the Center for Restorative Justice and Peacemaking at the University of Minnesota, explains his work in restorative justice. The film represents one of the most useful and comprehensive insights available into the practical application of forgiveness and reconciliation at a community level.

Describing the impact of healing circles, victim-offender dialogue, and community conferencing, Umbreit concludes that “respect,” “openness,” and “compassion” are the underlying components of engagement. “I literally feel and sense what I would call the authentic energy of forgiveness there; more than I do in institutions that talk about it a lot or preach it or push it,” he says.

For Umbreit, “Restorative dialogue is one of many pathways to a deeper experience of forgiveness. It’s about creating a safe space to go deep within your heart, to feel vulnerability, to be open to others’ pain, to recognize their humanity at the deepest level. When you humanize your adversary it’s harder to hold on to hate, it’s harder to kill.”

The film also shows interviews with members of the Native American Somali Friendship Committee in the Phillips neighborhood of Minneapolis. This initiative grew out of conflict arising when thousands of Somali refugees settled in the Twin Cities in the early nineties.

The Native American Somali Friendship Committee was formed when Wade Keezer, an Ojibwe leader and organizer, called the Native American and Somali communities to address the growing tension. The result was the beginning of a cross-cultural dialogue intended to promote peaceful community building. Peacemaking in this context was a process based on traditional methods of dispute resolution, which is a cornerstone of Native American culture and addresses the need to rebuild relationships between people.

The first meeting between the two communities took place on Martin Luther King Day in 2010. At first, only negative feelings were aired as people were able to safely express their pain and fear; but in time and through sharing stories, food and other cultural activities, the two communities discovered they had more similarities than differences.

This peacebuilding initiative worked because both communities were able to look at each other in the eye, find respect, and build a relationship with greater understanding. Umbreit concludes this was not “little common conversations…but real restorative dialogue,” as people spent hours together, listening to each other’s pain and trauma. In this way, both communities were able to hear each other’s stories, forgive, move forward, and build a safer neighbourhood.

Moving beyond small, local communities, forgiveness in large-scale peace-building processes that involve two or more opposing social, ethnic, or religious groups can affect the future of a country. It did so in South Africa, where politicians and civic leaders urged large groups of people to forgive other groups with whom they had previously been locked in conflict. While forgiveness was never obligatory in South Africa, its value was upheld within the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission , chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu. In addition, several public figures spoke out in favor of forgiveness, thus modeling a way forward for the communities they represented.

Nelson Mandela, by publicly forgiving those who had wronged him, became a global symbol for forgiveness, compassion, and peace-building. “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

Case Example: South Africa Albie Sachs – the anti-apartheid campaigner who lost an arm and was partially blinded in a car bomb in 1988 – has spoken about ubuntu, the spirit of reconciliation that allowed a nation not to resort to bloody recriminations post-apartheid. “We called the peaceful transition in South Africa from the vicious system of apartheid to a constitutional democracy a miracle.... It became possible because millions and millions of African people, despite their hardship, or perhaps because of their hardship, had never lost the deep traditional spirit of ubuntu, a shared sense of humanity: I am a person because you are a person; my humanity can’t be separated from a recognition of your humanity. “Because of ubuntu and the Truth Commission, I was able to meet the soldier who had organized the placing of a bomb in my car that cost me my right arm and the sight of an eye. It was a moving encounter, from which we both emerged better human beings. The key to the encounter was that our country had changed. Ubuntu, the spirit of reconciliation, requires dealing with the causes of the conflict. But it can help overcome those causes, and be liberating to the individuals involved in a very personal way.”

Ways to Build and Rebuild Relationships

In a similar matter, reconciliation must involve actively rebuilding relationships by creating opportunities for people to engage with each other through spaces, activities, and enterprises. In order to build or rebuild relationships, there must be platforms on which to develop understanding between groups and communities.

Cultivating dialogue: Enabling people to embrace tensions in the process of reconciliation and dialogue is the starting point. Dialogue can take place in many settings, such as a national dialogue or within communities across divisions of race, religion, or gender. Dialogue can be practiced in community halls, schools, prisons, and corporate institutions. However, dialogue by itself can be a fairly shallow gesture. To be effective, it has to include:

• Genuine exploration of self and the “other ”
• Addressing the roots of conflict
• Building closer bonds between individuals and groups
• Promoting systemic and structural change

Starting grassroots initiatives: Reconciliation often builds on grassroots initiatives, such as theatre, music, and sport, so that barriers between people can be addressed and broken down. Other examples might include initiatives such as workshops that promote psychological healing, perhaps offering safe spaces for narrative sharing and storytelling; or social projects that bring together individuals from diverse groups and communities. By so working to effect social change, people also learn to respect each other and to coexist peacefully.

An important element of the reconciliation process is the restoration of broken relationships, which may be addressed in various ways. While some of these will be discussed in detail under the “Developing Victim-Offender Programs” heading, it is worth mentioning here the contributions of Howard Zehr, who is widely known as the grandfather of restorative justice. He describes his work as being about “changing lenses,” and sums up some of the different approaches as follows:

“Some advocate the use of restorative approaches such as ‘circles’ (an approach that emerged from the First Nation/aboriginal communities in Canada) as a way to work through, resolve, and transform conflicts in general. Others pursue circles or ‘conferences’ (an effort with roots both in New Zealand and Australia and in facilitated victim-offender meetings) as a way to build and heal communities.” (Zehr, 2002).

Utilizing the healing power of sharing stories: Stories of hope in hopeless times can change lives. A constructive strategy that may help one break out of an endless cycle of violence is to develop the ability to listen to the pain of the other (the so-called “enemy”), because if people focus only on their own pain and trauma this locks them into a sense of despair.

The Forgiveness Project collects and shares real stories of forgiveness in order to create opportunities for people to consider, examine, and choose forgiveness in the face of atrocity. Its work in restorative storytelling demonstrates that personal narratives can broaden perspectives and bring healing to those impacted — whether victim or perpetrator — as well as motivate others regarding future life choices.

Research has shown that storytelling is a powerful tool for which humans are hard-wired. Storytelling enables individuals and groups to form connections and collaboration at the same time as they overcome differences and defenses. The spiritual teacher Anthony Mello has said: “The deepest truth is found by means of a simple story.” And as the German-born political theorist Hannah Arendt has noted: "Storytelling is the bridge by which we transform that which is private and individual into that which is public” (Arendt 1958). Some other examples follow.

Some Story-Sharing Examples

• In the 11 years since it was founded, The Forgiveness Project has gained a reputation for using narrative and storytelling techniques as a way to reach across the rifts not only of race, faith, and geography, but also the rifts of enemies. Presenting, producing, and examining real stories of transformation is The Forgiveness Project’s key tool for change. The project does this through “The F Word” travelling exhibition (a thought-provoking collection of arresting images and personal narratives), through filmed interviews, through written stories on its website accessed by the public as an open resource, through a restorative justice program in U.K. prisons where facilitators are victims and ex-offenders share their redemptive narratives, and through real lived experiences from a Speakers Bureau at events, lectures, workshops, and seminars. The stories have also appeared in a book, The Forgiveness Project: Stories for a Vengeful Age, by the organization’s founder, Marina Cantacuzino.
• Another storytelling initiative including forgiveness and narratives is “ The F-You Project ,” an acclaimed youth-led nonprofit organization and movement in Toronto, Ontario, which utilizes arts and self-expression to empower youth to find strength to overcome some of the most intractable circumstances. This organization provides first-hand experiences in forgiveness within the context of violence. It focuses on organizing public events, featuring speakers who have evolved from victim to survivor in the face of their own internal adversities. This is a good example of the community working together to erase negativity and inspire healing.
• Compelling examples also come from Rwanda. In that country, alongside the stories of murder and carnage, when neighbors killed neighbors, teachers killed students, and armed gangs across the country at one point reached a killing rate of seven people per minute, it is important to hear stories of people who acted with kindness, empathy, and self-sacrifice.​

Case Example: Rwanda At the Kigali Genocide Memorial in Rwanda there is the story of Nsengiyuumra, a Muslim who during the genocide is said to have saved over 30 people by protecting or hiding them in his outhouse . A survivor’s testimony reads: “The interahamwe (Hutu paramilitary organization) killer was chasing me down the alley. I was going to die any second. I banged on the door of the yard. It opened almost immediately. He (Nsengiyumra) took me by the hand and stood in his doorway and told the killer to leave. He said that the Koran says: ‘If you save one life, it is like saving the whole world.’”

• Some other examples of those who are using their stories to support divided communities are Jo Berry, with “ Building Bridges for Peace ,” Rami Elhahan , through the “ The Parents’ Circle ,” and Alistair Little, who started the organization “ Beyond Walls .” These examples show that any community can start collecting stories as a way of listening to the pain of the “other” in order to build empathy and understanding.

Developing victim –offender programs:

The RESTORE Prison Program

For eight years The Forgiveness Project has run RESTORE , a group-based restorative justice (RJ) intervention program in England to enable prisoners to turn their lives around and give them the tools to re-enter society as active and responsible citizens.

Restorative justice views crime as injury rather than law-breaking, and justice as healing rather than punishment. Forgiveness should never be a condition of RJ, but is frequently an outcome, simply because when two people or two groups come to hear the story of the “other,” fixed perspectives start to shift.

This restorative justice process demonstrates how individual transformation can lead to societal change. As participants learn about different aspects of forgiveness and reconciliation, and practice them in their own lives, there is a ripple effect into communities.

How does the RESTORE process work?

• Creating a safe space for reflection, and creating conditions conducive to questioning and changing attitudes (e.g., discussing how society works, how humanity works, how forgiveness works, how revenge works, and how the psyche of a victim or a perpetrator work).
• Storytelling is at the heart of RESTORE ; it is considered a powerful tool in developing empathy, creating community, and constructing/reconstructing identity.
• Empathy-building is developed through shared dramatic experience of traumatic and authentic stories, in an atmosphere of non-judgmental sharing and humanity , using positive psychological principles and values modelled by facilitators.
• Transformative change means that one’s perspective or worldview goes through a significant transformation. Through this change, one arrives at appreciating, seeking, and attaining “forgiveness.” This type of attitude transformation is considered a “humanizing process” that requires a psychological and conceptual shift. That is , one is required to move away from being emotionally and mentally detached and to become mindful and critically reflective. In the process, one abandons the perception of being a “victim” in favor of actively reassessing oneself as “offender” and acknowledging the “ripple effect” of one’s own behavior.
• Different choices and intentions are catalyzed through RESTORE’s focusing on the positive potential of offenders’ future life paths (e.g., participants are encouraged in deciding to follow – and to believe they are capable of following – inspirational examples, to reconcile and restore damaged relationships, and to break cycles of violence and damage).

RESTORE is one example of how the process of forgiveness may unfold and be successfully employed in a given context. The overall impact of this restorative program can lead to reduced offending behavior both in prison and beyond release; it has been shown to result in fewer victims and offenders amongst participants, their families, and the communities they live in.

The Fambul Tok Model

A different model is Fambul Tok (Krio for “Family Talk”) , which emerged in Sierra Leone as a face-to-face community-owned program bringing together perpetrators and victims of the violence in Sierra Leone’s 11-year civil war (1991–2002). In these communities, naming and shaming is considered justice, and while forgiveness is imperative, it is not granted without remorse. Fambul Tok has proved to be a more effective and much cheaper way of providing justice and facilitating reconciliation than the international community’s £300 million worth of international trials for perpetrators of civil war in Sierra Leone.

This community-healing process of reconciliation and forgiveness addresses the roots of conflict at the local level, and restores dignity to the lives of those who suffered most directly from violence. The work helps war-affected individuals reflect on the past and move forward in ways that avert the renewal of aggressions. By grounding reconciliation in traditional practices, it also helps create healthy communities capable of building new foundations of peace.

How does the Fambul Tok process work?

• Consultations. Community-led reconciliation begins with consulting the individuals and communities who will make and sustain peace.
• Implementation. Fambul Tok pilots each new phase of the community-owned reconciliation process and incorporates the lessons learned from the pilot as the program expands.
• Training . Fambul Tok empowers community stakeholders through customized, targeted training in reconciliation, conflict mediation, and trauma healing.
• Reconciliation Ceremony. The reconciliation ceremony is at the heart of Fambul Tok’s approach to community-owned and led peace-building efforts. Drawing on the tradition of truth telling around a bonfire, communities host a bonfire in the evening, where victims and perpetrators have an opportunity to come forward for the first time to tell their stories, apologize, and ask for or offer forgiveness. The communities then sing and dance in celebration of this open acknowledgement of and resolution to what happened in the war. The next day, the communities hold cleansing ceremonies that draw on traditional cleansing practices as well as traditions of communicating with the ancestors and pouring libations. These cleansing ceremonies culminate in a communal feast.
• Follow-up Activities: From football (soccer) to community farms, the follow-up activities of Fambul Tok strengthen community and help sustain the peace achieved through consultation and reconciliation ceremonies.

Participants’ Comments on Fambul Tok: Hawa Koroma, Moyamba town: “Most of us do not have the opportunity to face the TRC [Truth and Reconciliation Commission] to tell people what happened to us. With Fambul Tok, we can now share our stories and have the opportunity to forgive and reconcile.” Sahr Ngaoja, Lei chiefdom, Kono district: “I have no regret for moving from such a far distance to listen to Fambul Tok. After the war, plenty of people are afraid to return to their homes for fear of revenge. Now that Fambul Tok is creating the platform for victims, witnesses, and perpetrators to mediate reconciliation for peaceful co-existence, we have no alternative but to welcome Fambul Tok. I am sure community reconciliation will help us fight poverty.” Hawah Wurie, Bunumbu, Kailahun district: “Most of our brothers and sisters played an active role during the war. Some of them amputated hands, some of them slaughtered women, some split women open to see what baby was in their stomach; but at the ceremony most of them came forward and confessed and asked for forgiveness and we have forgiven them. We have encouraged them, embraced them, we do things together. Even myself, my elder sister was killed during this war. Those that killed her, I knew who they were, but when they confessed, I forgave them.”

Some Challenges and reflection questions

To practice forgiveness and reconciliation in daily life comes with its own challenges, and prompts a number of reflection questions. As one example, there is a popular notion that if you do not forgive you will be depleted in some way, tied to the past, holding on to grudges, filled with negative and even violent thoughts. This sentiment is found in much literature (blogs, articles, books, and motivational quotes) and creates a perception that forgiveness must be the panacea for all ills, a key to serenity, and the route to enlightenment. But it glosses over the fact that forgiveness is a slippery and complex concept, meaning many things to many people.

The above assumptions not only ignore the real pain many people suffer, but shame those who chose not to forgive. In a BBC1 TV program in 2011 “What is the Point in Forgiveness?”, the U.K.’s then-Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, warned against forgiving too easily . He told the Radio Times: “I think the 20th century saw such a level of atrocity that it has focused our minds very, very hard on the dangers of forgiving too easily” (Thomas, 2011). The point he went on to make very strongly was that if forgiveness is easy, it is as if the suffering doesn’t really matter.

Some other challenges in the practice of forgiveness and reconciliation follow.

• Letting go: Forgiveness requires a deliberate — or as Gandhi put it, “strong” — letting go of negative emotions toward the offender.
• Assuming that forgiveness means reconciliation: People can mistake forgiveness for reconciliation. Sometimes it is best to do as Desmond Tutu advises: release the relationship (and forgive!) rather than renew it.
• Accountability: Another challenge is how forgiveness is promoted. There is a real danger in politicizing forgiveness, since the rhetoric of forgiveness can prevent politicians being held accountable, as in the above-mentioned case of Burundi. It has also been suggested that in transitional justice (which can be defined as a society's attempt to come to terms with legacies of massive human rights abuses) perceived pressure to forgive and the repression of anger or resentment may be psychologically harmful and reinforce structures of inequality. Similarly victims of child sex abuse within the church have sometimes complained that members of the clergy urged them to forgive rather than pursue justice.

Case Example: England Susan says, “My crisis began when my daughter approached her eighth birthday, and the horror of what happened to me finally dawned. I sought help through Christian literature, but it just told lovely stories about reconciliation. Trusted Christian friends offered well-meaning advice, and in one case an exorcism. The focus was on praying for my abuser’s redemption. It is not hard to see how in this context, forgiveness can allow abuse to thrive.”

• Creating the right climate: A paradox of forgiveness is that in a restorative justice setting the more you talk about forgiveness or encourage it, the less safe people may feel. Moreover, pushing forgiveness may make people feel pressured, hence trigger direct resistance from them. Forgiveness is not a magic bullet; it can re-traumatize.
• No set formula: Since forgiveness may have relevance in a great variety of social, cultural, and racial settings, it is important that forgiveness be approached according to the given context and not applied as a one-size-fits-all solution.
• Provision of resources : The greatest challenge to any successful reconciliation process, whether in building bridges between warring communities on a national level, or seeking to rehabilitate violent individuals into the community, is the provision of financial resources to allow these processes to be sustained and developed.
• Sustaining dialogue: The challenge to any society is to develop sustained dialogue and reconciliation processes, so that our differences will never serve as the source of division, conflict, and violence.

Reflection Questions

Many of the questions below are thought-provoking and challenging. What are your own answers to them?

• How can forgiveness (a word too often seen as a weakness and associated with excusing and condoning) be used in the everyday world to develop and sustain community-building and peace?
• Can we forgive an ongoing evil? Or, can forgiveness be granted to those who have committed terrorist acts? By whom? Upon whose authority?
• Can one forgive in the absence of apology or remorse?
• Can true reconciliation be accomplished? On whose terms?
• Can there be reconciliation following mass murder? Is forgiveness also then possible? As defined by whom? For whose benefit?
• What kind of processes should be developed so that dialogue continues and peace can be maintained?
• Can it ever be wrong to offer forgiveness, or to attempt reconciliation?

Forgiveness, as a means of relieving oneself from the burden of victimhood, is intrinsically subjective. In her book The Forgiveness Project: Stories for a Vengeful Age , Marina Cantacuzino writes:

In this hotly contested territory, the only thing I know for sure is that the act of forgiving is fluid and active and can change from day to day, hour to hour, depending on how you feel when you wake in the morning or what triggers you encounter during the day.

Forgiveness may unfold like a mysterious discovery, or it may be a totally conscious decision, something you line yourself up for having exhausted all other options. It may have a strong degree of pardoning attached to it, or it may just be a   sense that you have released something poisonous or let go of something heavy that no longer weighs you down.

In this sense, forgiveness means not allowing the pain of the past to dictate the path of the future. It requires a broad perspective, namely understanding that life is morally complicated, that people behave in despicable ways, and that some things can never be explained” (Cantacuzino, 2015, p. 2).

The reality is that some people don’t forgive because it is not the right time to forgive. Taking the time to proceed at one’s own pace can be smart, commendable, and empowering. For those working to promote forgiveness and reconciliation, it is important to remember that forgiveness is first and foremost a choice, and not necessarily the best medicine for all people all the time.

At the same time, it is also important to remember that when introduced as an option, as a concept with limits as well as opportunities, forgiveness (if chosen as a path through trauma) is undoubtedly a powerful healing process that can mend broken hearts and repair broken communities.

Contributors Marina Cantacuzino Katalin Karolyi

Editors Bill Berkowitz Barbara Kerr

Marina Cantacuzino is Founder and Chief Storyteller of The Forgiveness Project , a U.K.-based organization that collects and shares real stories in order to build understanding and give people the opportunity to move forward from trauma and conflict, enabling both personal and societal change. The Forgiveness Project has no religious or political associations.

Katalin Karolyi, BA, MSc, is Communications Officer of The Forgiveness Project . Visit The Forgiveness Project on facebook and twitter .

Online Resources

The Ancient Heart of Forgiveness  by Jack Kornfield explains how we can tap into the great human capacity for forgiveness.

Print Resources

Arendt, H. (1958). The human condition . Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

Cantacuzino, M. (2015). The forgiveness project: Stories for a vengeful age. London and Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Cantacuzino, M. (2013). Transforming lives through the power of personal narrative. London: Winston Churchill Memorial Trust.

Enright, R. (2008). Forgiveness is a c hoice . Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Erikson, E. (1964). Insight and r esponsibility . New York: Norton.

Exline, J., Worthington, E. L., Hill, P., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Forgiveness and justice: A research agenda for social and personality psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Review , 7 (4), 337-348.

Gobodo-Madikizela, P. (2004). A human being died that night: A South African woman confronts the legacy of apartheid . Boston and New York: Mariner Books.

Levine, S. (2005). Unattended sorrow . Emmaus, PA: Rodale, Inc.

Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for good . New York: HarperCollins.

Sawatsky, J. (2007). Rethinking restorative justice: When the geographies of crime and of healing justice matter. Peace Research , 39, Nos. 1-2.

Sells. J. N. & Hargrave, T. D. (1998). Forgiveness: A review of the theoretical and empirical literature. Journal of Family Therapy , 20 (1), 21-36.

Solzhenitsyn, A. (2003). The Gulag Archipelago 1918–1956 . London: Harvill.

Tutu, D. & Tutu, M. (2014). The b ook of f orgiving . New York: HarperCollins Publishers.

Wade, N. G., & Worthington, E. L. (2005). In a search of a common core: A content analysis of interventions to promote forgiveness. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice and Training, 42 (2), 160-177.

Worthington, E. L., & Scherer, M. (2004). Forgiveness is an emotion focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: theory, review, and hypotheses. Psychology & Health , 19 :3, 385-405

Zehr, H. (2002). The little book of restorative justice . Intercourse, PA: Good Books.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Role of forgiveness in conflict management.

Forgiveness plays a critical role in conflict management as it creates a platform for bringing forth the opportunity in conflict. When people have sympathy and compassion forgiveness for the harm they have been caused, the management of conflict becomes feasible. Forgiveness has typically been defined as dealing with transgressions instead of being regarded as a way of conflict management (Renz et al., 2020). In contrast, conflicts are social interactions where people hold differing opinions, expectations, wishes, or incompatible goals. Conflict in social contexts can range from mild divergences to severe verbal or physical confrontations. According to Ran et al. (2021), conflict can play a significant role in conflict management, and scientist often states that it plays a vital role in effectively managing interpersonal conflicts. For example, Ran et al. (2021) affirm that forgiveness helps people in a conflict understand how to view and cope with interpersonal conflicts. This assertion is supported by recent empirical evidence showing that couples’ forgiveness promotes a conflict resolution environment. Forgiveness helps people engaging in interpersonal conflicts recognize that offenses and conflicts are bound to occur at a given stage in life (Ran et al., 2021). Forgiveness helps people identify and forgive initial crimes that gave rise to conflicts hence addressing the root cause of disagreement.

Difference between Forgiveness and Reconciliations

Forgiveness is a decision made personally by an individual to let go of offenses others have done and avoid resentment, anger, and revenge for a person that has wronged them. It is about unleashing anger and negative emotions and moving forward without a grudge. In contrast, reconciliation is the process that helps in restoring a broken relationship caused by a conflict (Renz et al., 2020). It is a process that helps build trust among people or parties in a conflict as it creates a platform to address underlying issues that led to the conflict. Reconciliation becomes successful when the parties are willing to forgive others and communicate openly and honestly (Ran et al., 2021).. In both reconciliation and forgiveness, communication plays a significant role. Communication helps facilitate and clarify misunderstandings in the process of forgiveness (Renz et al., 2020). In reconciliation, communication provides a platform where parties in a conflict can communicate their feelings, expectations, and needs honestly and openly.

Difference between the two concepts

People often confuse forgiveness and reconciliation as one thing. Forgiveness comes first, and reconciliation is a step that comes last in forgiveness. The reconciliation process occurs when an individual accepts to forgive and opens a platform for discussion to understand the offenses and acknowledge accountability for harm (Renz et al., 2020). As a result, they open an environment for making amends. In other words, forgiveness is vital to peacemaking as reconciliation depends on it to enable people who caused harm to acknowledge they were wrong. Forgiveness can occur, and reconciliation fails to appear as it requires one individual to forgive and two to reconcile. Forgiveness is a process that can be private, as an individual might work silently on forgiveness through prayer, meditation, and talks (Ran et al., 2021). However, reconciliation is not personal because it must include at least one person. It may consist of religious leaders, counselors, and mediators. Although forgiveness forms a foundation for reconciliation to take place, both depend on how people can acknowledge the truth and various forms of justice (Renz et al., 2020). Forgiveness in social interactions is vital in ensuring that restorative justice seeks to address the harm people suffer in wider communities.

Applying forgiveness and reconciliation can significantly improve interpersonal relationships by fostering trust, reducing conflict, and promoting a more positive and supportive environment. Forgiveness allows individuals to release negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and bitterness toward others. By forgiving others, individuals can reduce the emotional stress and burden caused by negative emotions, contributing to better mental health and well-being (Renz et al., 2020). This also creates an opportunity for rebuilding trust and repairing damaged relationships. Additionally, reconciliation is a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and promoting understanding between individuals. By working through the issues that led to a relationship breakdown, individuals can better understand each other’s perspectives and needs, which can lead to greater empathy and compassion (Renz et al., 2020). This can help create a more positive and supportive environment where individuals feel valued and heard.

Ran, Y., Liu, Q., Cheng, Q., & Zhang, Y. (2021). Implicit-explicit power motives congruence and forgiveness in the workplace conflict: The mediating role of empathy.  International Journal of Conflict Management . https://doi.org/10.1108/IJCMA-06-2020-0116.

Renz, M., Bueche, D., Reichmuth, O., Schuett Mao, M., Renz, U., Siebenrock, R., & Strasser, F. (2020). Forgiveness and reconciliation processes in dying patients with cancer.  American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Medicine® ,  37 (3), 222-234. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049909119867675.

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66 Forgiveness Essay: Examples, Titles, & Thesis Statement

A forgiveness essay is an exciting yet challenging task. In our article, you can find good forgiveness essay examples in literature, history, religion, and other spheres

📝 Writing a Forgiveness Theme Statement

🏆 best forgiveness essay examples, 🔍 simple forgiveness titles for essay, 💡 interesting forgiveness essay examples.

In your forgiveness essay, focus on different aspects of forgiveness. Some good forgiveness titles for the essay reveal themes of revenge, justice, and personal forgiveness. You can write an excellent reflective or argumentative essay on forgiveness – it is a versatile topic.

Regardless of your forgiveness essay’s specific topic and type, you should develop a strong thesis statement. Below we will provide recommendations on making a good forgiveness theme statement. This will help you come up with a solid base and arguments to prove your position.

Check these tips to make a powerful forgiveness thesis statemen:

• Determine the primary idea. What are you trying to prove? Can anything be forgiven, or are there cases when it’s not possible? Introduce your one main idea and the angle from which you will look at it. You can also include some facts or opinions about the acuteness of the topic.
• Work out your argumentation. It is crucial to have a firm structure in your forgiveness essay. You need to support the thesis statement with several arguments and evidence to demonstrate the consistency of your paper.
• Think of the opposing views. Every argument has a counterargument. When working on your forgiveness theme statement, always keep an opposite thesis statement in mind. Having considered counter positions, you gain additional arguments for your position.
• Don’t quote others in your thesis statement. A thesis statement is the first and foremost chance to introduce your point of view. Use your own strongest words to reach a reader. This is where they get the first impression about the whole work.

We also have lots of other tips on developing A+ thesis statements. Check our free thesis statement generator to discover more information and get a perfect forgiveness theme statement.

• Divine and Human Forgiveness in “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” By Samuel Taylor Coleridge After killing the albatross who was suppose to provide them with wind, all the people in the ship died but he managed to survive because he had asked God to forgive him all the sins […]
• Forgiveness in Simon Wiesenthal’s Work The Sunflower Taking into account the major themes of the book The Sunflower, one is to make a conclusion that such response to atrocities as forgiveness is considered to be the key aspect of humanity.
• Christ’s Atonement and the Concept of Forgiveness This study will connect the atonement of Jesus Christ and attitudes towards forgiveness through the revision of the current church, Love and God’s commandment to forgive.
• Hamlet and Forgiveness: A Personal Reflection Some of the most prominent themes in the story are the ideas of mutual forgiveness, people’s motivation to be proactive and take risks, and their willingness to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
• Service Recovery and Customer Forgiveness Studies suggest that after apologizing to customers plus taking responsibility for the problem, getting to the root of the problem is very important to prevent such occurrences in the future. Getting to the root of […]
• Racial Inequality Targeted Student Loan Forgiveness Programs The research into this topic seems highly significant as the reduction of racial inequality was one of the most debated topics in the U.S.for the last several decades.
• Forgiveness in the Christian Texts and the World Today The apostle calls upon the church’s people to stop the punishment of the wrongdoer and forgive, comfort, and affirm their love for him. It instructs Muslims to follow God and forgive others instead of following […]
• Philosophy of Forgiveness I believe that if anyone had gone through all the pain and horror that Simon had, and was asked to forgive Karl, the instinct, and most humane reaction at that moment would be to strongly […]
• Forgiveness for Workplace Conflict Resolution The problem with the relationship between the two workers is that Jake feels that Monica is a relatively malicious individual. In the outlined scenario, Jake is doing all that he can to avoid dealing with […]
• The Effects of Forgiveness Therapy After gathering the relevant data, the researchers compared the recovery of the participants to their controls to determine the effects of forgiveness therapy.
• Self-Forgiveness: The Step Child of Forgiveness Research Other than the similarities and the differences, the two types of forgiveness relate to each other as self-forgiveness facilitates interpersonal forgiveness, this is through allowance of one to identify with one’s offender.
• The Amish Philosophy of Forgiveness It is important to note that the immediate forgiveness of the enemy does not mean that the Amish will let the perpetrators of crime go free.
• Review: “Interventions Studies on Forgiveness: A Meta-analysis” by Baskin T. and Enright R. In the church, members come to the pastor with a variety of social and psychological issues. The first step the pastor should undertake is to sympathise with the victims.
• Self-Forgiveness as the Path to Learning to Forgive the Others The key issues that the given research responds to or, at least, attempts to solve, are the definition of self-forgiveness, the relation between self-forgiveness and interpersonal forgiveness, and the means to differentiate between self-forgiveness and […]
• The Effects of Forgiveness Therapy on Depression, Anxiety and Posttraumatic Stress for Women After Spousal Emotional Abuse Enright forgiveness model applied in the study proved effective since it systematically addressed the forgiveness process identified the negative attributes caused by the abuse, and prepared the women for positive responses.
• Forgiveness & Reconciliation: The Differing Perspectives of Psychologists and Christian Theologians Based on the research design there is evidence of measures put in place to control against most of these biases which strengthens the study findings; this is the strength to the study.
• Forgiveness and Reconciliation Critique Availability of literature; as stated in the literature though the area of forgiveness is new in the field of psychology, but there is enough literature to cover the study.
• Forgiveness in Martin Luther’s Movement for Rights Blacks The bible teachings tell us that God exists in the holy trinity and the only way to forgive others is for us to be able to forgive our own transgressions.
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IvyPanda. (2024, February 24). 66 Forgiveness Essay: Examples, Titles, & Thesis Statement. https://ivypanda.com/essays/topic/forgiveness-essay-examples/

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Volume 25 - Issue 3

Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Biblical and Theological Essays

Forgiveness and Reconciliation collects together 13 essays from the former Cambridge New Testament professor, all previously published between 1956 and 1995 but hitherto relatively inaccessible. Four essays address ‘the theology of forgiveness’, while the bulk of the others concern themselves with aspects of NT Christology and exegetical issues in the ‘Jesus-Traditions’ of the synoptic gospels.

Let it be said at once that there is more profound common sense and wisdom in this book than in many weightier NT volumes, and the reason, I think, is not hard to find. The subtitle of the book (although confusingly given on the title page as ‘And Other New Testament Themes’) highlights its abiding methodological merit: this is New Testament interpretation harnessed throughout to theological concerns and interests. Recent writers, notably Francis Watson, have made a strong case for breaking down the dividing wall of hostility between biblical studies and theology. Moule undermines it from the NT side; arguing that taking the NT itself on its own terms drives exegetes ‘to plant a bewildering footstep beyond the frontier of their own discipline and in the area of dogma’.

For example, Moule explores the meaning of ‘in Christ’ in the New Testament. He suggests that the NT writers do not intend the phrase as equivalent to our more popular notion of being in the presence of the Spirit of God, but actually envisage ‘in Christ’ as true in a spatial sense. How could this be? Perhaps we have confused ‘personal’ with ‘individual’, and Christ as a person redefines our notion of what a person is. The idea may now be familiar from the work of theologians like Colin Gunton, but here (originally in 1983) it is presented primarily as an attempt to do justice to the NT texts. Similarly a 1987 article probes the ‘gravamen’ (accusation; grievance) against Jesus and suggests that the most plausible historical thesis is that it was his own (Christological) self-understanding as personally fulfilling God’s plan for Israel which lay at the heart of his opponents’ hostility.

Several other chapters likewise explore ideas which stand in continuity with Moule’s significant 1977 volume, The Origin of Christology , wherein he argued that Christology arises out of the nature of Jesus rather than out of any process of divinisation (or ‘evolution’). In particular, two studies suggest that the synoptic gospels do not seek to present fully post-Resurrection evaluations of Jesus, with Luke-Acts providing the much-needed control on such a thesis.

The same balance of theology and exegesis characterises the opening section on forgiveness, which begins with a reprinted chapter from his 1977 book. Then in ‘Preaching the Atonement’ he suggests that the biblical language of sacrifice is most effectively communicated today in language of ‘expense’: costly forgiveness requires a response of costly repentance. The following chapter explores limits to the metaphor of ‘triumph’, suggesting that triumphalism results from a failure to balance triumph with suffering. The final essay in the section promotes restoration of offenders over retribution. The concern throughout is to ‘analyse realistically the structure of any reconciliation between persons’. Moule is willing to examine forgiveness as a human transaction without subsuming it immediately under the rubric of atonement. Again, even where others may now proffer similar conclusions (such as Gregory Jones’ major treatment of forgiveness), there is much to learn from observing how substantive theological concerns are carried and clarified by thorough NT scholarship. Moule’s style and influence may well be seen in the work of recent writers such as N.T. Wright, seeking depth in a discipline too easily given to the bland or merely fashionable.

A closing essay on ‘The Holy Spirit and Scripture’ is a judicious analysis of exactly what could be meant by the language of ‘inspiration’ when applied to the Bible. Never afraid to follow wherever the biblical evidence leads, Moule’s parting shot might provoke some constructive self-evaluation in the evangelical constituency. It is one more reason to offer this collection a warm welcome.

Richard S. Briggs

Cranmer Hall, Durham

Other Articles in this Issue

Some advantages of going dutch, developments in religious education in england and wales (part 2): methodology, politics, citizenship and school performance, j. gresham machen, inerrancy, and creedless christianity, interpreting the bible among the world religions, junction or terminus christianity in the west at the dawn of the third millennium, other reviews in this issue.

The Holy Spirit

Divine Revelation

By The Renewing of Your Minds, The Pastoral Function of Christian Doctrine

Karl Barth’s Theology of Relations: Trinitarian, Christological and Human: Towards an Ethic of the Family. Issues in Systematic Theology, Volume 4.

Encydopedia of Christianity, Volume I, (A–D)

Institute for Forgiveness & Reconciliation

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Why forgiveness and reconciliation matters.

It’s often the little things we let build up; the hurts, resentments and grudges — the attitudes and patterns we’ve practiced for so long they’ve become habit, and keep us from loving freely and fully. Some have suffered more serious personal injury, such as betrayal and/or physical harm.

Genuine forgiving requires hard work and our desire to forgive often requires that we learn new skills. We can learn new behaviors, individually and communally, once we are open to letting go of old ways of thinking and being. We need to be open to trying on new possibilities. This change happens continually for many who are willing to turn this journey to forgiveness into a way of life. Such changed behavior is one significant reason why this Institute matters.

As a society, we have created structures which prevent forgiveness and reconciliation from happening within and beyond the family. Families speak of feuds that have gone on for so long they can’t remember why they don’t interact with other family members. Neighbors live next door, but often do not know one another. A culture of isolation keeps us from caring about other’s struggles or needs.

Even more dangerous, those who appear different from us are feared and sometimes shunned. Racism, sexism, homophobia and religious intolerance are some of the social barriers and blind spots that need identifying and reconciling efforts. Without dialogue and ways to speak respectfully and honestly, there can be no reconciliation. Beyond these unhealthy ways of relating, social structures themselves need healing and re-ordering.

Our prisons and court system — our country’s death penalty — are major societal systems in need of examination. This Institute matters, in part, to study why social change is needed and to develop the essential skills to bring about these changes. 

A lack of trust between nations and across continents sustains age-old hostilities and creates obstacles to global peace and reconciliation. The same skills needed to forgive and reconcile at the personal level are needed by groups and institutional leaders around our world. Collaboration and negotiation require that parties listen respectfully to the experiences of others. They may have memories, and suffer ongoing consequences, of suffering and oppression at the hands of others.

It takes courage and skills to be willing to repent of past wrongs and offer necessary restitution so that new levels of mutual understanding and equality can be found. No reconciliation is possible while oppression continues. Developing the skills needed to forgive and the internal and external resources necessary to reconcile differences are indispensable for shaping a more just global future.  Our ability to play a part in promoting such global change is another important reason why this Institute matters.  

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7 The Role of Forgiveness in Reconciliation and Restorative Justice: A Christian Theological Perspective

• Published: April 2014
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This chapter argues that forgiveness can contribute to the emerging relationally based theory of peacemaking. It understands forgiveness as a process of moving from ill will to goodwill toward offenders, and as compatible with various forms of justice. Forgiveness is often the basis of reconciliation, the restoration of right relationship. Both of these depend in some ways on the acknowledgment of truth. Forgiveness and reconciliation are analogous concepts applied in a variety of different contexts from small- to large-scale contexts. Forgiveness can play a vital role in efforts to promote restorative justice, which seeks to address harms suffered by victims, wider communities, and even perpetrators. Christian theology locates the greatest exemplar and source of forgiveness and reconciliation in the steadfast, free, and forgiving love of God for humanity. The church advocates practices of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restorative justice not only within particular Christian communities but also in the public life of post-conflict societies. The church is called to send “peacemakers” and “ambassadors of reconciliation” into the situations that cry for healing and justice. This chapter argues that an ethic of forgiveness can support the political and social goals of reconciliation and restorative justice.

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Beyond Intractability

The Hyper-Polarization Challenge to the Conflict Resolution Field: A Joint BI/CRQ Discussion BI and the Conflict Resolution Quarterly invite you to participate in an online exploration of what those with conflict and peacebuilding expertise can do to help defend liberal democracies and encourage them live up to their ideals.

Follow BI and the Hyper-Polarization Discussion on BI's New Substack Newsletter .

Hyper-Polarization, COVID, Racism, and the Constructive Conflict Initiative Read about (and contribute to) the  Constructive Conflict Initiative  and its associated Blog —our effort to assemble what we collectively know about how to move beyond our hyperpolarized politics and start solving society's problems. 

by  Marin Hollingsworth

Conflict is present in every realm of life. Individuals experience conflict in the workplace, relational conflict, and many even live in widespread, intractable conflict which significantly shape their way of life and standard of living. While the connotation of the word “conflict” expresses a problematic situation that many try to avoid, it is important to recognize that conflict will never truly be eliminated; rather, it is necessary for societies to experience.

Without conflict, we would live in a stagnant society with no constructive growth. Though often painful, conflict is the engine for social change; it is necessary for our growth into more positive beings (Burgess & Burgess, 2021). Despite the necessity for social struggles, we do hope the conflict that afflicts us to be nonviolent and resolvable. However, the complexities of human conflict often result in transgressions far more complicated and damaging to resolve easily. Indeed, most times, a quiet apology is not enough to undo harm caused by an oppressor’s wrongdoing. Conflict resolution must go beyond the simple repair and subsequent growth we strive for because of exhaustive conflict. Reconciliation is required for true societal, community, and interpersonal growth in the face of social conflict.

In the field of conflict resolution, reconciliation is understood as the restoration of a relationship between parties divided by an offense and brought about through justice (Hatch, 2006). Though this is a typical explanation of the term, the concept of reconciliation is more loosely interpreted. For example, reconciliation can be a meeting place between peace, truth, mercy, and justice with an envisioned future that thrives on interdependence (Lederach, 1997). However, reconciliation can and should be more than an end goal; it should be dynamic and evolving. If approached as a process, reconciliation can profoundly change the heart and spirit in a way that drives people towards a deeper level of living together (Clements & Lee, 2020; Gaertner, 2011; Lederach, 1997). Reconciliation is the joining of fragmented relationships to a functional social space where the victim and oppressor not only live together in nonviolence and without malice, but in trust and friendship (Gaertner, 2011).           

When thinking of reconciliation as an outcome and a process (Burgess & Burgess, 2021), we must consider the conditions necessary to achieve any type of reconciled relationship. As previously stated, Lederach (1997) explains that reconciliation is only possible when opposite parties come together in a place where peace, truth, justice, and mercy meet. While each are individually significant, to achieve reconciliation in a meaningful form, the elements must be intertwined when working through conflict. For instance, once truth is revealed, granting justice and mercy becomes possible. No single element is more important than another. However, forgiveness, or mercy, following a genuine apology offers a more vital approach to reconciliation because it recognizes the emotion and humanity of an individual (Gaertner, 2011; Mu & Bobocel, 2019).

Granting forgiveness, “allows the person who committed the reprehensible act to begin anew, to take up another life and another activity” and reintegrate into the reconciled society that has grown through the experienced conflict (Gaertner, 2011). This paper will argue the importance of active apology and forgiveness in the process of addressing past wrongs while navigating reconciliation through discovering why humans apologize, the nature of an apology, how to make an acceptable apology, and how compassion and forgiveness elicits reconciliation and reflects the restoration of two relationships.

Why We Apologize

For many, it is very difficult to accept one’s own wrongdoing and summon the courage to face a victim of one’s own transgression. From a simple offense in a romantic or familial relationship, a public misdeed in the workplace, or even national and international intractable and violent conflict directed at many individuals, there are many reasons to make an apology, and yet, many reasons why people refuse to do so. According to Mu and Bobocel (2019), there are four main reasons individuals choose to apologize including self-blame, relational value, personal expedience, or a fear of sanctions.

When self-blame or feelings of guilt for a wrongdoing burden an individual, an apology can be an attempt by the transgressor to take responsibility and acknowledge the harm caused by their action. In a similar sense, many individuals apologize to preserve a relationship. Expressing regret for an action and correcting a misdeed in aims to reconcile a relationship symbolically shows how a transgressor strives to convey respect for the victim and the pain caused while attempting to restore the balance of a fractured relationship (Mu & Bobcel, 2019). In any type of relationship or even in a workplace, this may look like someone apologizing for making a joke at the expense of another, whether it was intended to inflict harm or not (Mu & Bobcel, 2019). An apology can be a critical step in initiating the reconciliation process.

Sometimes an apology is made simply because it is the quick way to solve a problem. In a situation where people may be working closely with others or someone’s presence reaches a large audience, after an offense is made, many feel it is easiest to apologize quickly to diffuse a tense environment and reaffirm one's own self‐image as a good or moral person (Mu & Bobcel, 2019). We see many examples of this type of apology in the news media today. For example, in 2017 celebrity and publicly identified feminist Lena Dunham contested the sexual harassment allegations made by a woman of color merely weeks after condemning Hollywood’s rape culture (Dunne, 2020). Dunham faced heavy backlash for not supporting the victim and using her white celebrity privilege to marginalize the experience of women of color. Realizing the damage her insensitive comments caused to women of color and victims of sexual violence, Dunham publicly apologized and promised to use the opportunity for growth (Dunne, 2020). While we must be careful to recognize when apologies are made purely to further one’s own personal platform, it is important to acknowledge mistakes made and the attempted efforts to reconcile them. In this case, while restoring her position as a public figure, Dunham’s apology opened a dialogue for victims of sexual abuse and women of color to share their stories and address the reality of feminism in the public sphere (Dunne, 2020). This is one of many examples where public officials and celebrities use their platforms to show remorse for a misdeed, correct the wrongdoing, and grow from the experience while demonstrating the ability to apologize to the public.

Lastly, fear of sanctions or concern for penalty significantly motivates apologies. In the enormous realm of possible transgressions, sanctions, or punishment for one’s crime may vary from imprisonment to termination of employment to public shaming.

No matter the reason for apology, it is typically understood by the transgressor that apologizing will correct a wrongdoing and the moral implications of their misdeed will be no more (Mu & Bobcel, 2019). While this may be appropriate for nonviolent interpersonal conflict, the nature of an apology in relation to serious intractable transgression is far more complex than any simple apology can mend and eventually hope to reconcile. In the case of the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission, we see a prime example of perpetrators coming forward with details of their crimes with the expectation that they will be forgiven and receive amnesty for their atrocities ( Bass, 2009; Hayner, 2010.)  Fearful of retributive justice, someone guilty of crime may even apologize in hopes to achieve a lesser punishment, but the motive and the outcome is the same: apologizing in fear of repercussions is likely to negate feelings of forgiveness and hinder steps toward reconciliation (Mu & Bobcel, 2019).

Nature of Apology

Even more important than the action of apologizing is the delivery of an apology. Whatever the reason for apology, if it is hollow and lacking substance, it will likely not be received with forgiveness (Cárdenas et al., 2015; Gaertner, 2011; Mu & Bobcel, 2019). In Mea Culpa , Nicholas Tavuchis (1991) outlines his theoretical approach to the nature of an apology and explains that although an apology cannot undo what has been done, it can have the "power to rehabilitate the individual and restore social harmony" if it can evoke the faculty of forgiveness. Tavuchis (1991) emphasizes that the nature of an apology requires us to plead mea culpa (through my fault) and restore social order through making a reparation of social bonds in the form of apology. Simply, he defends the notion that apologies must produce actions and words that speak louder than someone proclaiming, “I am sorry.” The nature of a true apology actively and physically shows the victim that the offender is full of remorse.

When we consider reconciliation described by Lederach (1997) as a “Meeting Place” we see how an apology can contribute to the restorative justice required to connect peace and mercy. As a moral form of reparations, apologies offer a more crucial approach to reconciliation because it contends with emotion in rigorous and intuitive ways (Gaertner, 2011; Hatch, 2006; Tavuchis, 1991). Like reconciliation, a true and genuine apology is a process. Rather than the single action of saying “I’m sorry” and expecting progress, Tavuchis (1991) explains that an apology is a delicate sequence of events between persons. His theory suggests that apologetic acts are interactive because the offender must elicit forgiveness from the offended. There must be a valued bond between offender and offended to achieve a true apology and evoke feelings of forgiveness that transforms emotion and restores bonds. Of course, there are times when a victim does not want to forgive and reconcile, even after genuine attempts from the perpetrator. Shame often accompanies feelings of remorse, both in victim and perpetrator, which is why many individuals choose anger and hatred over apology and forgiveness (Tavuchis, 1991). A victim does not have the responsibility or duty to accept a transgressor’s apology, but in these cases, a transgressor can only show true remorse and respectfully accept the outcome of their apology.

How to Meaningfully Apologize

The idea of making an apology may seem simple. One must acknowledge wrongdoing, take responsibility for their action, sincerely express regret, and promise the offence will not reoccur (Cárdenas et al., 2015; Gaertner, 2011; Tavuchis, 1991). Though the pattern for apologizing seems simple, we must recognize how each transgression has its own set of nuances that must be treated individually. In fact, there is no generic formula for an apology that automatically results in a victim granting forgiveness (Hatch, 2006). Instead, an offender must put themselves at the mercy of the offended when delivering their apology because after all, not all apologies are received with forgiveness.

Mea Culpa proposes that apology is set apart from excuses, defenses, and justifications that cover and hide the offender, shift responsibility away from oneself, distance transgressor from victim, and undermines the bond between those involved in the apologetic act (Tavuchis, 1991). A real apology involves risk; it leaves open the possibility for repair by alleviating the shame of the offender and acknowledging the pain of the offended (Gaertner, 2011; Mitchell, 2014; Tavuchis, 1991). Reconciliation through apology can only happen if a perpetrator shows a clear sense of remorse and fully accepts responsibility for their actions, including the chance of not being forgiven. It is often human nature to repress feelings of guilt, anxiety, and shame for the sake of appearing rational, however, crucial to an effective apology is making these feelings intensely present to the victim (Gaertner, 2011; Tavuchis, 1991). Though apologizing is a verbal admission of guilt and regret, humans can convey deeper suffering through their body language (Gaertner, 2011; Mitchell, 2014; Tavuchis, 1991). Crying, trembling, choking on words, and other forms of showing physical grief expressed with sincerity can create a bond between offender and offended and allow both to empathize with each other while initiating reconciliatory discourse (Gaertner, 2011; Tavuchis, 1991). A sincere apology in its humblest form abandons all attempts at justification for past actions and while showing remorse, simply admits wrongdoing. Apologizing without detectable emotion and with no supporting evidence for regret comes across as a sham, hollow and disingenuous.

Equally as phony as an apology with no emotion is an apology with no action. Restorative justice requires restoration of respect to victims which entails replacing what was taken and (in cases where this is not possible) providing compensation for the offense that occurred (Hatch, 2006; Mitchell, 2014). When thinking of apology as an interactive social transaction, we can recognize the crucial exchange of power that comes from restoring the material harms incurred due to a transgression. Restoration not only for material gains, but for respect and humanity to the offended; and in the case of serious transgressions, begins to rebalance the social order and initiates restoration of harmony between groups, making forgiveness and reconciliation possible (Hatch, 2006). In many cases, loss cannot be replaced, in which it is critical to show remorse in an apology and offer reparative actions for the victim’s well-being including a promise that the offending events will not occur again (Hatch, 2006; Mitchell, 2014).

Formal apologies can take place interpersonally, and on occasion, even publicly to large groups of people. It is important to note that while group apology, or “apology from the Many to the Many,” constitutes its own set of problems, they can be a meaningful step towards wide-scale reconciliation (Hatch, 2006). The difficulty tied to representative apologies lies in the inherent struggle to express personal regret while speaking for a collective group in an official capacity. Collective apologies must answer the questions regarding who has the right to apologize on behalf of another and to whom does that apology extend (Hatch, 2006). Making something public that is intended to be personal can be overwhelmingly difficult, emphasizing the necessity of evoking emotion throughout an apology.

What This Looks Like

Perhaps one of the most salient conflicts in the U.S. is the public discourse on racial reconciliation. Racial divides in America have been a point of contention since before the U.S. became a country and have lasted well past the passing of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. When U . S . Representative Tony Hall proposed an official congressional apology for slavery in 1997 and again in 1999, he was met with fervent opposition by politicians and citizens alike (Hatch, 2006). Many individuals argued that paying monetary reparations to African Americans was unfair because not all white Americans had ancestors who were slave owners and not all black people were descendants of slaves. Despite the backlash received by his proposal, Hall went on to deliver an official apology for slavery and the protracted effects African Americans face every day because of his belief of the inequality and discrimination tied to race (Hatch, 2006). Although Hall’s apology was not endorsed by the American government, he spoke in the capacity of a U.S. Representative and his apology was acknowledged to some degree, in reflecting the implicit collective backing of the nation (Hatch, 2006). Hall declared his remorse for slavery “as a person and a citizen of my country and a US Congressman,’’ demonstrating his apology captures the feelings of many who also experience remorse for American history (Hatch, 2006).

Even more, addressing the nature of his apology in a public and unofficial manner rather than private and legitimate made Hall’s intention for his apology clear. Although he did not have the full support of the government in backing his claims for historical regret, his desire to give an honest apology despite his circumstances opened the door to heal discord by uniting diverse groups and reaching towards grace that enables restoration without retribution (Hatch, 2006). Hall’s powerful apology did just this; not in the way he argued his apology but, in his character, and creation of ethos during delivery. During his speech, Hall conveyed humility and empathy, creating an authentic expression of regret for the way his actions have affected communities of color, the oppression African Americans have faced since emancipation, and the institution of slavery on American land (Hatch, 2006). Rather than making a case for a white blanket apology, Hall apologizes for himself without even asking for forgiveness. Acknowledging his viewpoint as a white man in a powerful position, Hall claimed he is no expert on the topics of race or slavery, but a simple man trying to learn about suffering on a level he will never understand (Hatch, 2006). Hall expressed personal regret by his intentional choice of words during his apology speech, but more importantly in the spontaneous emotion he shows throughout the delivery of his message. He clearly showed that he is apologizing because events of the past were wrong, not because he expects forgiveness or even expects reconciliation to be easier because of his apology. He simply apologized to outstretch his hand and open dialogue for healing on behalf of many in the white community (Hatch, 2006).

Hall took the nature of his apology seriously. It is evident that the need to apologize weighed heavily on his heart and he intended to take action to begin the restoration of divided communities. At the same conference where Hall delivered his heartfelt apology, U.S. Senator James Inhofe attempted a similar plea for forgiveness but instead delivered a lackluster and ill prepared speech claiming it was African Americans religious duty to forgive while also condemning native Africans for their role in supporting the slave trade (Hatch, 2006). Inhofe used emotional language claiming great “tragedy” in the treatment of African Americans and his attitude of “grief” in asking for forgiveness, yet he delivered his speech with no detection of emotion (Hatch, 2006). Both content and delivery of his speech lacked any type of connection to the feelings of those he was trying to empathize with. In short, Inhofe’s apology did not achieve the interactive element of apology that Hall’s did. He failed to make a connection with his audience and effectively hindered dialogue between groups seeking reconciliation. Hall’s apology was filled with emotion and demonstrated the necessary qualities of an apology outlined in this paper to take the first steps towards reconciliation.  

Forgiveness

Forgiveness articulates the need and desire to let go of pain and begin again not only for victims, but for perpetrators as well (Gaertner, 2011; Lederach, 1997; Mitchell, 2014; Mu & Bobocel, 2019; Tavuchis, 1991). Forgiveness is an interpersonal outcome, and a goal, that allows victims and transgressors to communicate their desire to reconcile and, in some cases, live and work among each other (Mitchell, 2014). When a victim of an offense hears the offender apologize sincerely in a way that acknowledges their pain and suffering, a sense of personal healing takes place (Mitchell, 2014). Victims undergo an intrapsychic process that allows them to release negative thoughts and emotions and increase empathy for the offender, more easily allowing themselves to forgive (Mu & Bobocel, 2019). In many cases, after receiving forgiveness, the offender can be reintegrated into society, reflecting the restoration of a relationship to a functional state (Mu & Bobocel, 2019; Tavuchis, 1991).

Despite the nature of forgiveness to elicit intra and interpersonal healing, the act of forgiving can still be extremely difficult, any many choose to not forgive at all. According to psychologist Everett Worthington, humans demonstrate three main types of forgiveness: hollow, decision-based, and emotional (Gaertner, 2011). When apologies lack substance and are laced with justification for the offense committed, offenders are usually shown hollow forgiveness, if any at all. Hollow forgiveness means almost nothing, it is offered in resignation when the offended has nothing left to give or when they are berated to forgive (Gaertner, 2011). Hollow forgiveness does little to promote reconciliation and typically leads to further conflict in the future. More complex is decision-based forgiveness which “is defined as the cognitive letting go of resentment and bitterness and need for vengeance. However, it is not always the end of emotional pain and hurt” (Gaertner, 2011). Decision-based forgiveness is the actual extending of one’s broken heart to the perpetrator of harm with the intent to restore what was lost, though the feelings attached to the wrongdoing are still present. Intentional forgiveness is the attempt by victim to “let go” and heal. Often following the steps taken to offer decision-based forgiveness is emotional forgiveness. Emotional based forgiveness signals a victim’s ability to overcome physical and emotional reactions to seeing or thinking about their perpetrator and even open space to build a relationship based on trust (Gaertner, 2011). Forgiveness comes to those who apologize not just because they have the right words, but because it is the right thing to do. Granting forgiveness is an intentional decision made by those who have been wronged but seek to restore harmony and peace through reconciliation.

Reconciliation is unachievable through mercy and forgiveness alone (Lederach, 1997). Rather, truth through apology coupled with restorative justice through forgiveness create a sense of healing and peace between victim and transgressor in conflict. After an offense takes place, transgressors can either step forward in humility and wholeheartedly plead forgiveness or, apologize through feeble attempts to justify their actions. Reconciliation can only take place if genuine apology that bares emotion and remorse for an offender’s action is offered freely to the victim of the offense. Shallow apologies only bandage wounds that need deeper healing and elicit true feelings of intentional and emotional forgiveness. In the case where apologies are not offered or where victims do not accept and withhold forgiveness, reconciliation may still be possible, though the conditions to achieve it will require significantly more work. Forgiveness has the power to heal both victim and transgressor, but only if an apology is made that evokes the sorrow and shame of wrongdoing. Only then can relationships, communities, and even nations begin the intricate process and hard work of reconciliation.

Bass, G. J. (2009). War crimes tribunals. The Oxford Handbook of Law and Politics. https://doi/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199208425.003.0013

Burgess, H., & Burgess, G. (2021). Reconciliation as a noun and a verb (outcome and process) . [Video].  Moving Beyond Intractability: Conflict Frontiers & Conflict Fundamentals. https://www.beyondintractability.org/moos/fundamentals/reconciliation-process-outcome

Cárdenas, M., Darío, P., Rimé, B., & Arnoso, M. (2015). How transitional justice processes and official apologies influence reconciliation: The case of the Chilean ‘truth and reconciliation’ and ‘political imprisonment and torture’ commissions. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology , 25 (6), 515-30. https://doi.org/10.1002/casp.2231

Clements, K. P., & Lee, S. Y. (2020). Multi-level reconciliation and peacebuilding: Stakeholder perspectives . Routledge. https://doi-org.mutex.gmu.edu/10.4324/9781003017851

Dunne, S. A. (2020). Lena Dunham’s apology to aurora: celebrity feminism, white privilege, and censoring victims in the #MeToo Era. Celebrity Studies, 11 (2), 267-270. https://doi.org/10.1080/19392397.2019.1623489

Gaertner, D. (2011). “The climax of reconciliation”: Transgression, apology, forgiveness, and the body in conflict resolution. Journal of Bioethical Inquiry , 8 (3), 245-56. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11673-011-9317-z

Hatch, J. B. (2006). Beyond apologia: Racial reconciliation and apologies for slavery. Western Journal of Communication , 70 (3), 186-211. https://doi.org/10.1080/10570310600843496

Hayner, P. B. (2010).  Unspeakable truth: Transitional justice and the challenge of truth commissions . ProQuest Ebook Central

  https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.mutex.gmu.edu/lib/gmu/detail.action?docID=574565

Lederach, J. P. (1997). Building peace: Sustainable reconciliation in divided societies . United States Institute of Peace Press. https://www.amazon.com/BuildingPeace:SustainableReconciliationInDividedSocieties

Mitchell, C. (2014). The nature of intractable conflict resolution in the twenty first century (1st ed.). Palgrave Macmillan UK. Print. https://doi.org/10.1057/9781137454157

Mu, F., & Bobocel, D. R. (2019). Why did I say sorry? Apology motives and transgressor perceptions of reconciliation. Journal of Organizational Behavior , 40 (8), 912-930. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.2376

Tavuchis, N. (1991). Mea culpa: A sociology of apology and reconciliation . Stanford University Press. https://www.amazon.com/Mea-Culpa

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Forgiveness Defined

What is forgiveness.

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is , though, is understanding what forgiveness is not . Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.

While early research focused on forgiveness of others by individuals, new areas of research are starting to examine the benefits of group forgiveness and self-forgiveness .

For More: Read forgiveness expert Fred Luskin’s essay, “ What Is Forgiveness? ,” and Jack Kornfield’s thoughts on what forgiveness means . Learn more about forgiveness research in this summary of key studies and recent white paper , and consider: Is anything unforgiveable?

What are the Limitations?

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A new study suggests that men and women might experience forgiveness differently.

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A new study suggests that forgiving past transgressions could help us see people in a better light.

Why Practice It?

We often think of forgiveness as a kind, magnanimous act—an act of mercy or compassion extended to someone who wronged us. While that can be true, research over the past few decades has revealed enormous personal benefits to forgiveness as well. According to that research, here are some of the most compelling ways forgiveness is good for us, our relationships, and our communities.

• Forgiveness makes us happier : Research suggests not only that happy people are more likely to forgive but that forgiving others can make people feel happy , especially when they forgive someone to whom they feel close.
• Forgiveness protects our mental health : People who receive therapy designed to foster forgiveness experience greater improvements in depression, anxiety, and hope than those who don’t. Forgiveness may also play a role in preventing suicide .
• Forgiveness improves our health : When we dwell on grudges, our blood pressure and heart rate spike—signs of stress which damage the body; when we forgive, our stress levels drop, and people who are more forgiving are protected from the negative health effects of stress . Studies also suggest that holding grudges might compromise our immune system, making us less resistant to illness.
• Forgiveness sustains relationships : When our friends inevitably hurt or disappoint us, holding a grudge makes us less likely to sacrifice or cooperate with them, which undermines feelings of trust and commitment, driving us further apart. Studies suggest that forgiveness can stop this downward spiral and repair our relationship before it dissolves.
• Forgiveness is good for marriages (most of the time): Spouses who are more forgiving and less vindictive are better at resolving conflicts effectively in their marriage. A long-term study of newlyweds found that more forgiving spouses had stronger, more satisfying relationships . However, when more forgiving spouses were frequently mistreated by their husband or wife, they became less satisfied with their marriage.
• Forgiveness boosts kindness and connectedness : People who feel forgiving don’t only feel more positive toward someone who hurt them. They are also more likely to want to volunteer and donate money to charity, and they feel more connected to other people in general.
• Forgiveness can help heal the wounds of war: A research-based forgiveness training program in Rwanda , for instance, was linked to reduced trauma and more positive attitudes between the Hutus and Tutsis there. A study of people who learned forgiveness skills in war-torn Sierra Leone found that they reported feeling less depressed, more grateful, more satisfied with life, and less stressed afterward. Perhaps most famously, South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission is widely credited with encouraging forgiveness and reconciliation after the end of apartheid in that country. Archbishop Desmond Tutu , the commission’s chairman, has argued that forgiveness is the path to “true enduring peace.”
• Forgiveness is good for kids and teens: Kids who are more forgiving toward their friends have higher well-being. Forgiveness training can help adolescent girls who are bullies and bullied decrease their anger, aggression, and delinquency, while increasing their empathy and improving their grades.
• Forgiveness is good for workplaces : Employees who are more forgiving are also more productive and take fewer days off, partly thanks to reduced stress around their relationships.
• People who practice self-forgiveness tend to have better physical and mental health . Forgiving ourselves may also improve our relationships .

For More: Learn more about the benefits of forgiveness in researcher Everett Worthington’s article, “ The New Science of Forgiveness ,” and in Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s essay, “ Forgiveness + Reconciliation .”

How Do I Cultivate It?

According to Robert Enright , Fred Luskin , and other experts, forgiveness isn’t just for the deeply magnanimous among us; it’s both a choice and a trainable skill that almost anyone can learn. Fortunately, research suggests that the capacity for forgiveness is an intrinsic part of human nature . Here are some research-based strategies for tapping into that capacity, whether you’re trying to forgive others, forgive yourself, or seek forgiveness from someone else.

• View forgiveness as something for you, not a gift to someone else: In his Nine Steps to Forgiveness program, Fred Luskin emphasizes that forgiveness is best seen as something that will bring you peace, closure, and reduce your suffering—a point echoed by Jack Kornfield in this video.
• Articulate your emotions : If you want to forgive or be forgiven, be willing to express how you’re feeling to others and to yourself. Ruminating on negative feelings is both unhealthy and unproductive. As the GGSC’s Christine Carter argues, this is an important lesson to teach kids as well.
• Look for the silver lining: This can be a controversial tip, but research suggests that after someone hurts you, you can forgive more easily by reflecting on the personal benefits you may have gained through the transgression. Writing about those benefits might be especially helpful.
• Make an effective apology: If you’re seeking forgiveness from others, studies suggest that apologizing will help—but weak apologies might only make things worse. Researcher Aaron Lazare has studied apologies for years, concluding that an effective apology has four parts: It acknowledges the offense, offers an explanation for the offense, expresses remorse or shame, and involves a reparation of some kind.
• Cultivate empathy : When someone has been hurt, they’ll be more likely to forgive—and less likely to retaliate—if they can sense or imagine the distress or remorse felt by the person who hurt them. This might explain why apologies foster forgiveness.
• Practice mindfulness: Training in mindfulness can help college students become more forgiving, perhaps because awareness of painful feelings is part of the process of forgiveness. More mindful people are also more forgiving of betrayal .
• Humanize the Other through contact : Research in Northern Ireland found that people on both sides of the violence there were more likely to forgive if they came into contact with someone from the other side, perhaps because it reduced feelings of anger and encouraged them to see the other’s humanity.
• Don’t let yourself off too easy: Research suggests that forgiving yourself for mistakes can sometimes reduce your empathy for others and your motivation to make amends. For a more healthy way to forgive yourself, read these research-based steps , which include empathizing with your victim and honestly reflecting on what you did wrong, or follow this process recommended by Rick Hanson.
• Seek peace, not justice: In his forgiveness program , Robert Enright emphasizes that forgiveness is separate from justice. The people who hurt you may never get their just desserts, but that shouldn’t prevent you from moving on with your life.
• Understand that forgiveness is a process : True forgiveness doesn’t happen in an instant; instead, it takes time and energy to achieve, and might not come easily.
• Overcome barriers to forgiveness: Research reveals some common fears and concerns to address if we are resistant to forgiving.
• Foster a forgiving school: Build a school climate of care and fairness in order to facilitate forgiveness among teachers and staff.
• Raise forgiving kids : Parents can help kids learn forgiveness by modeling it themselves, and allowing kids to move through the process of forgiveness at their own pace.

For more: Check out Christine Carter’s tips for teaching forgiveness skills to children, adapted from Luskin’s nine steps. And she offers these tips for fostering forgiveness in families.

Leading forgiveness researchers have also developed their own evidence-based programs to foster forgiveness, including the following.

• Luskin’s Nine Steps to Forgiveness , which involve a mix of cognitive and meditative strategies, from articulating your grievance to shifting your expectations from life to revising the way you look at your past.
• Robert Enright’s Forgiveness Process Model , which consists of 20 steps divided into four phases : the Uncovering Phase , where one becomes aware of the true emotional stress he has suffered; the Decision Phase , where one commits to forgiving rather than continuing to focus exclusively on his suffering; the Work Phase , where one comes to accept—but not condone—the pain he has suffered, no matter how undeserved; and finally the Outcome/Deepening Phase , where one recognizes the relief and meaning he is gaining from forgiveness. Read Enright’s tips for moving through this process .
• Everett Worthington’s REACH method for forgiveness, which involves five steps: R ecall the hurt, E mpathize with the person who hurt you, offer an A ltruistic gift of forgiveness, C ommit to forgive (ideally publicly), and H old onto that forgiveness.

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Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger — sometimes even hatred.

But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.

The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships.
• Improved mental health.
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
• Fewer symptoms of depression.
• Lower blood pressure.
• A stronger immune system.
• Improved heart health.
• Improved self-esteem.

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice.

Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present.
• Become depressed, irritable or anxious.
• Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
• Lose valuable and enriching connections with others.

How do I move toward a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to change. It takes practice. To move toward forgiveness, you might:

• Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life.
• Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive.
• Join a support group or see a counselor.
• Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them.
• Choose to forgive the person who's offended you.
• Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. If you find yourself stuck:

• Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view.
• Ask yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
• Reflect on times when others have forgiven you.
• Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
• Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. But that isn't always the case.

Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.

If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses.

You can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Remember, forgiveness is a process. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

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• Rakel D, ed. Forgiveness. In: Integrative Medicine. 4th ed. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022.
• Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022.
• Silva RS, et al. Forgiveness facilitation in palliative care: A scoping review. JBI Evidence Synthesis. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286.
• Martinez-Diaz P, et al. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. Frontiers in Psychology. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689.
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Napoleon Beazley Analysis of Crime

This essay about Napoleon Beazley’s analysis of crime examines the complexities of his case, including factors like upbringing, juvenile justice, and the debate over the death penalty. Beazley’s story prompts reflection on the broader issues of justice, rehabilitation, and redemption, challenging societal attitudes towards punishment and offering insights into the human capacity for transformation.

How it works

Napoleon Beazley’s case stands as a compelling study in the intersection of crime, punishment, and redemption. At the age of 17, Beazley committed a heinous act, taking the life of 63-year-old John Luttig during a botched carjacking in Texas. His subsequent arrest, trial, and eventual execution by lethal injection in 2002 garnered national attention and sparked debates about the efficacy and morality of the death penalty.

One of the key aspects of Beazley’s case is the question of culpability and the factors that may have influenced his actions.

Born into a troubled environment marked by poverty and familial discord, Beazley faced numerous challenges from a young age. Some argue that these adverse circumstances, combined with societal factors such as systemic racism and inadequate access to education and mental health services, contributed to Beazley’s descent into criminality.

Moreover, Beazley’s case highlights the complexities of juvenile justice and the debate surrounding the sentencing of minors to death. At the time of his crime, Beazley was just 17 years old, raising questions about his capacity for moral judgment and the appropriateness of imposing the ultimate punishment on a juvenile offender. His case prompted renewed scrutiny of the United States’ practice of sentencing juveniles to death, ultimately leading to a landmark Supreme Court ruling in 2005 that declared the execution of juveniles unconstitutional.

Beyond the legal and ethical dimensions, Beazley’s story offers insights into the potential for rehabilitation and redemption, even in the face of grave wrongdoing. During his time on death row, Beazley underwent a profound personal transformation, expressing remorse for his actions and seeking to make amends with his victim’s family. His journey towards reconciliation and spiritual growth serves as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the capacity for forgiveness and redemption.

In reflecting on Napoleon Beazley’s case, it becomes evident that it transcends mere crime and punishment, touching upon fundamental questions of justice, mercy, and human dignity. While his actions were undeniably tragic and deserving of condemnation, Beazley’s story compels us to consider the broader social, economic, and institutional factors that shape individual behavior and perpetuate cycles of violence and injustice. It challenges us to confront the complexities of the criminal justice system and to strive for solutions that prioritize rehabilitation, restoration, and healing over retribution and vengeance.

Ultimately, Napoleon Beazley’s legacy serves as a poignant reminder of the human cost of crime and the imperative to pursue justice with compassion, humility, and a commitment to the inherent worth and potential for redemption of every individual, regardless of their past transgressions.

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Candice Mama tells her story of forgiveness and reconciliation

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Essay Sample on Forgiveness and Reconciliation

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Forgiveness is a cognitive procedure that fosters an individual to avoid a feeling of revenge whenever someone has offended him. Conversely, reconciliation refers to a behavioral aspect that drives people to take essential measures to rejuvenate a relationship due to forgiveness.

Based on these facts, it is clear that for one to forgive, he encounters traumatic disagreement later. Clearly, the purpose to forgive is to help and encourage us and improve our relationship with others. It is not healthy when a person chooses to hold onto revenge. Furthermore, individuals who blame other people such as friends only mean that they allow them to have control over others (Americancatholic.Org, 2013, p.1).  Anger and bitterness also attribute to lack of forgiveness, which is not recommended because through forgiveness, we get to heal our problems.

In my opinion, reconciliation and forgiveness are vital facets that bring a solution to any disagreement. For instance, a person may be part of a reconciliation process when his objective is to restore friendship or create a new relationship. Forgiveness apply in cases where couple divorce, of which it plays a role of reuniting them to take care of their children. In this regard, people must learn how to handle conflicts to pave way for progress. This is because conflict is a factor that creates instability in most relationships causing them to fall apart.

This implies that people who are not willing to forgive each other are bound to fail in their relationships. Resolution is a vital aspect of any relationship whether the parties are facing a small or huge conflict. This is vital to avoid cases whereby individuals become stressful in their relationships. The negative effects of stress is that it subjects women to become old fast hence it should be avoided.

Americancatholic.Org (2013). The Sacraments: Reconciliation | Seasonal Feature | American Catholic . Retrieved from: http://www.americancatholic.org/features/special/default.aspx?id=32 [Accessed: 6 Dec 2013].

Cahn, D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2007). Managing Conflict through Communication (Third Ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.

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Essay on Forgiveness

Students are often asked to write an essay on Forgiveness in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Forgiveness

Understanding forgiveness.

Forgiveness is when we stop feeling anger towards someone who has done something wrong to us. It’s like letting go of a heavy burden.

The Power of Forgiveness

When we forgive, we feel lighter and happier. It helps us to move on and not dwell on past hurts.

Forgiveness and Relationships

Forgiveness strengthens our relationships. It helps us to understand and accept others, despite their mistakes.

Learning to Forgive

Forgiving is not easy, but it’s important. We can learn to forgive by understanding that everyone makes mistakes.

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250 Words Essay on Forgiveness

Introduction.

Forgiveness, a virtue often preached yet seldom practiced, is the act of pardoning an offender. It is a complex psychological phenomenon that involves an intricate interplay between emotions, cognition, and actions.

The Significance of Forgiveness

The importance of forgiveness lies in its ability to release the negative emotions of anger, resentment, and the desire for retribution. This cathartic process promotes emotional well-being, reducing stress, and enhancing interpersonal relationships. It is a testament to human resilience and our capacity for empathy and compassion.

The Psychology of Forgiveness

From a psychological perspective, forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to relinquish feelings of resentment or vengeance. This process involves a cognitive shift, a change in one’s attitude towards the offender, and a willingness to let go of negative emotions. It does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense or reconciling with the offender, but rather, it is about finding inner peace and moving on.

Forgiveness as a Social Construct

Sociologically, forgiveness is a social construct that helps maintain social harmony. It promotes reconciliation and prevents the perpetuation of a cycle of revenge and hostility. In this sense, forgiveness is an essential component of social cohesion and stability.

In conclusion, forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal growth and social harmony. It is a testament to human strength, resilience, and our capacity for empathy. The decision to forgive is a journey towards inner peace, one that requires courage, humility, and a profound understanding of the human condition.

500 Words Essay on Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a multifaceted concept, deeply embedded in human interactions and fundamental to the continuity of social relationships. It is a conscious decision to let go of resentment or vengeance towards an individual or group who has harmed us, regardless of whether they deserve our forgiveness.

The act of forgiveness is a psychological process that involves a change in emotion and attitude towards an offender. It is a voluntary and deliberate act that requires effort and emotional resilience. The process is often complex, involving feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal. However, it also opens the door to healing, peace, and the possibility of reconciliation.

Psychologists suggest that forgiveness can be a transformative process that promotes mental health, reduces anxiety, and enhances our well-being. It is a coping strategy that allows us to deal with interpersonal conflicts and emotional injuries. By forgiving, we free ourselves from the chains of bitterness, enabling us to move forward without the burden of past hurts.

The Philosophy of Forgiveness

Philosophically, forgiveness is seen as a virtue, an act of grace and compassion. It is a moral decision to absolve another of their wrongdoings, not out of obligation, but out of understanding and empathy. This perspective emphasizes the ethical dimension of forgiveness, viewing it as a moral duty or obligation.

However, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning the wrongdoings. It does not eliminate the need for justice or accountability. Instead, it allows us to separate the person from their actions, acknowledging the harm done while choosing to let go of the resentment it has caused.

Forgiveness in Practice

Practicing forgiveness requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and maturity. It begins with acknowledging the hurt and allowing oneself to feel the pain. The next step is to empathize with the offender, trying to understand their perspective. This is followed by making a conscious decision to forgive, which often involves a verbal or mental declaration of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a personal journey and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. It can be a slow and challenging process, but it also brings about personal growth and emotional liberation.

In conclusion, forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal and social transformation. It is a complex process that involves a conscious decision to let go of resentment and anger. While it can be challenging, the benefits of forgiveness extend beyond the individual to the broader community, promoting peace, reconciliation, and social harmony. Ultimately, forgiveness is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and its capacity for compassion, understanding, and love.

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'True reconciliation takes both parties': Holocaust survivor talks forgiveness

TUCSON, Ariz. (KGUN) — Hanna Zack Miley, a Holocaust and Kindertransport survivor, will share her remarkable journey of forgiveness and reconciliation at the University of Arizona's Center for Creative Photography tonight.

Ahead of her speaking engagement, Miley spoke with KGUN 9 about her life, her parents' sacrifice and her views on the current situation in Israel.

At the tender age of seven, Miley's parents made the heart-wrenching decision to put her on a train bound for England to escape the Nazi regime.

"My mother's very tender love has been a very foundational part of my life," Miley said. Her parents' act of courage meant they would never see their daughter again.

For years, Miley harbored resentment towards Germans for the loss of her parents.

"Emotionally and internally, I came to the end of my rope," she said.

But Miley's unexpected journey of reconciliation began when she turned to faith.

"My bitterness, my resentment, my hatred for Germans... All that ugly stuff inside I could give it to him... And he would forgive me," she said of her relationship with God.

That journey eventually led Miley back to Germany, where she gained a deeper understanding of her parents and their sacrifice.

"I met the woman who'd been the teenage live-in maid at our house... And she could tell me stories about my mother that I didn't know," she said.

The event at the University of Arizona, hosted by the UArizona Center for the Philosophy of Freedom and the Arizona Center for Judaic Studies , aims to explore themes of forgiveness and reconciliation.

"For true reconciliation, there has to be a mutual confession and a mutual forgiveness," Miley emphasized.

Robert C. Robbins, President of the University of Arizona, will open the event, followed by remarks from Rep. Ben Toma, Speaker of the Arizona House of Representatives.

The evening will include an oral history screening of Miley's journey and a fireside chat with Rep. Alma Hernandez.

For those interested in learning more about Miley's story, her book A Garland For Ashes is available on her website, HannaMiley.com .

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—— Eddie Celaya is a multimedia journalist at KGUN 9. Born in Tucson and raised in the Phoenix area, Eddie is a life-long Arizonan and graduate of the University of Arizona who loves the desert and mountains and hates the cold. Previously, Eddie worked in print media at the Arizona Daily Star. Share your story ideas with Eddie at [email protected] , or by connecting on Facebook or Instagram .

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'True reconciliation takes both parties:' Holocaust survivor talks forgiveness

Posted: April 29, 2024 | Last updated: April 29, 2024

Hanna Zack Miley, a Holocaust and Kindertransport survivor, will share her remarkable journey of forgiveness and reconciliation at the University of Arizona's Center for Creative Photography tonight

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Forgiveness

Transformation in love, monastic wisdom, for everyday living.

Br. David Vryhof invites us to the challenging, essential practice of forgiveness.

Read as an online magazine

Download a printable PDF

FORGIVENESS

Transformation in love.

Forgiveness is essential to healthy human relationships. The French Jesuit and theologian, François Varillon, once said, “People cannot live together unless they forgive each other just for being who they are.” We all need to forgive and be forgiven, over and over again, if our life together is to be life-giving, and if we are to be the agents of healing and reconciliation in the world that Christ calls us to be.

Sometimes it is easy to forgive. We find no difficulty in setting aside the incident and moving on. But at other times we may find it extremely difficult to forgive the one who has hurt us. We may believe that we should forgive; we may even want to forgive. But we recognize that our heart is so full of anger and pain that we cannot yet say, “I forgive you,” and mean it. A declaration of forgiveness at this point would be dishonest and premature. In circumstances like these, we can at least set ourselves on a path towards forgiveness, recognizing that arriving at forgiveness is a desirable and necessary goal, not only because we are commanded to forgive one another “seventy times seven,” but also because forgiveness will rid our hearts of the toxic presence of resentment, anger, and bitterness.

In this article, I hope to raise some questions that one who is on the path towards forgiveness may want to consider. Hopefully, honest engagement with these questions will enhance and facilitate the process of healing so that we may arrive at our destination (actual forgiveness) as soon as possible, recognizing that the time required will vary, depending on the depth of the wound.

People cannot live together unless they forgive each other just for being who they are. —François Varillon

Before we set out on the path towards forgiveness, we must be convinced of the worthiness of our goal.

We might first reflect on the costs of withholding forgiveness. Without forgiveness, the hurt we have experienced is perpetuated and passed on to others. Anger, bitterness, and resentment take root in our hearts and gradually change us from within. We stay mired in the past and lose our ability to be present in the moment and to be hopeful about the future. We may become bitter and cynical, or we may be tempted to seek revenge, which will lock us into a cycle of violence that will bring on a whole series of disappointments and misfortunes. Withholding forgiveness is not a healthy option.

We might also reflect on the benefits of forgiving. Forgiveness is essential to our spiritual well-being; it is the necessary outcome of loving one another as God has loved us. “Forgive us our sins,” we pray, “as we forgive those who sin against us.” Jesus commands us to forgive, repeatedly, just as we have been forgiven. Forgiveness heals the brokenness of our hearts and sets us free; it enables us to cultivate a loving heart towards others. It will afford us a clear conscience and bring us peace. There is every reason to set out on this path.

It is important at the outset to rule out the possibility of taking revenge. (As Mahatma Gandhi – and Jesus – taught us, “Violence begets violence.”) Even if we feel that revenge is justified, in the end it will lead only to further misery and guilt, and will deepen our resentment, hostility, and anger. We do best to avoid it at all costs.

It is also important at the outset to put a stop to the offensive actions of another, which is not at all like taking revenge. As long as the offensive behavior continues, there can be no possibility of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean giving up our rights or cowering before the offender. Putting an end to the offensive behavior may mean confronting the person, or seeking outside assistance, or even appealing to the justice system. But these hurtful actions must stop.

• What relationships or situations in your life are calling out for forgiveness?
• What is the cost of letting the situation continue as it is?
• What benefits can you foresee from addressing the situation?

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” – Catherine Ponder

We will run the risk of never being able to offer real forgiveness unless we admit the hurt we have experienced at the hands of the offender. Denying the offense or simply trying to forget it will short-circuit the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean excusing the offender or absolving him or her of all moral responsibility, nor does it mean simply ‘leaving it to God’ (God does not do what is up to us to do; forgiveness depends as much on human as on divine actions). Examining the painful incident honestly is a critical first step towards healing.

We may find it helpful to share our pain with someone who is discrete and trustworthy, and who will not judge us or minimize our pain or overwhelm us with advice. It can add to our suffering if we feel that we are carrying the burden alone. Telling someone also allows us to name and relive the painful event calmly and in a safe environment. When we do this, the pain becomes less threatening and more bearable. The unconditional acceptance of the other person allows us to treat ourselves with compassion.

Examining the effects of the painful incident will help us grieve our losses and move towards genuine forgiveness. We might try to describe what has been damaged or lost (our self-esteem, our reputation, our self-confidence, our integrity, our faith in others, our ideals, our material goods or health or social image, the ability to trust someone with our secrets, admiration for a person we have loved, and so on). Recognizing these wounds is healthy and helpful, whereas taking on the label of “victim” is unhealthy and unhelpful. By labeling ourselves as victims, we lock ourselves into an unhelpful role, which makes forgiveness difficult or impossible.

While it is important to own our own responsibility in the matter (e.g. in the breakdown of a relationship), it is just as important to realize that we are not the only one responsible for the painful event or offense.

If we recognize the presence of anger, it is best if we try to express and release it in the most constructive way possible. Anger is a legitimate emotional response to the hurtful actions or words of an offender, but we must be careful to keep it from taking root and growing into resentment or bitterness. Repressed anger hinders our ability to find joy in relationships; it reveals itself in negative behaviors such as blaming, nagging, cynicism, hostility, or sulking.

• Name the offense you wish to forgive, as specifically as you can.
• Can you describe its effects on you? What emotions do you feel now as you recall it?

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes

We will find it easier to forgive those who hurt us if they recognize their fault, express their regret, and decide never to repeat the offense again. We can go to the offender (either by ourselves or in the company of another), objectively describe the pain we have experienced (“When you did this, I felt this”), and see if these conditions are met, but the fact is they may not be met. The offender may not be willing to admit that their actions or words were hurtful, or may not want to talk about the incident or the breakdown of the relationship.

The unwillingness of an offender to accept responsibility or to express regret does not prevent us from moving towards our destination of forgiveness. Forgiveness involves a change of heart that is not dependent on the attitudes or actions of the offender; it is an internal process. If we claim that we cannot forgive the other because they have not owned their part in the matter or expressed appropriate regret, we give them power over us by letting them block our path to wholeness and healing.  

• Do you wish to confront the person who has injured you? What do you expect would happen if you did?

Forgiving Ourselves 

People in distress often tend to blame themselves. They may despise themselves for having contributed to the painful event or for having failed to prevent it. They may feel humiliated or overwhelmed by shame and guilt because their shortcomings have been exposed. They may even continue to persecute themselves after the offense is over (“I should have…I was so stupid…I always do this…” are ways of blaming ourselves and further undermining our self-esteem).

If we recognize these critical voices within ourselves, we can challenge them and offer ourselves the balm of kindness and compassion. We will need to forgive ourselves before we can effectively forgive the other.

• Can you offer forgiveness to yourself? What words could you say to yourself to help heal this wound?

Understanding the Other

We can only take this step when we have stopped being preoccupied with our own pain. If that is not the case, we should return to the earlier steps of resolving to set out on the path towards forgiveness, naming the offense and describing its effect on us, sharing our pain with another, and forgiving ourselves. Only then will we be ready to change our perception of the person who has hurt us.

When we have been hurt, we are often inclined to see our offender in the most negative light – as loathsome, deceitful, unfaithful, harmful, irresponsible, etc.  When we view the offender in this way, we stop seeing him as a person who can change and bind him to this painful event forever. We may then lose sight of our own weaknesses and flaws and assign all the blame to the other person. Needless to say, this will limit our ability to forgive.

Understanding those who have offended us does not mean excusing them or exempting them from blame. It is instead an effort to see them in a clearer light, to recognize that they are a mystery to us that can never be fully fathomed, and to appreciate some of the factors that may have caused them to act or speak the way they did. If we can put ourselves in their place, we may be able to begin to understand the motives behind their actions and discover within ourselves a measure of sympathy for them that will allow us to move closer to forgiveness. Of course, we will never reach a complete understanding. In the end we will have to entrust these persons to God, who alone can penetrate the mystery of their hearts.

• What do you know about the person who wronged you, or about the circumstances, that might help you better understand their hurtful words or actions?
• If you cannot understand this person, can you entrust them to God? 

“When a deep injury is done us, we will never recover until we forgive.” – Alan Paton

Even in the most difficult circumstances of our lives, we can often recognize the grace of God at work. God’s work is to bring life out of death, joy out of sorrow, healing out of pain, and hope out of defeat. At this place on the path towards forgiveness, we might be able to imagine what we could learn or how we could grow from this painful experience. We may be able to discover a positive outcome (or potential outcome) that will allow us to recall the event(s) in a more hopeful way. Perhaps we can say, “I’ve learned to say ‘no’ when my values are being compromised” or “I now have more compassion for others who are in a similar situation” or “I’ve developed some practical ways to respond if this comes up again.”

At this point we may be able to imagine a brighter future. The pain surrounding the offense no longer seems all-consuming because our perspective has changed. We may still bear the scars of the offense, but they are no longer raw, gaping wounds. They are not as sensitive or painful to the touch as they once were.

A Gift, not an Obligation

If I imagine forgiving my offender as an obligation placed upon me by a rigid or demanding God (a God, perhaps, who waits to forgive me until I have forgiven others), I will find it difficult to forgive others freely and generously. But if I have known and accepted forgiveness from God as an unmerited gift springing from God’s generosity and love, I may well find within myself the same generous capacity to forgive the one who has hurt me. “We love because he first loved us,” writes the author of 1 John, and so we might also say, “We forgive because he first forgave us.” In Luke 7, Jesus praises a woman who is able to love much because she has been forgiven much, and this serves as a reminder to us that we, too, have been graciously forgiven our offenses.

If we have known the God who (like the father in Luke 15:11-24) runs down the road to meet us and embrace us when we have come straggling home, soiled with sin and guilt; then we may be able to find within ourselves the same capacity for generosity, compassion and forgiveness towards those who have wronged us. But if we have not yet discovered this extravagant loving forgiveness of God in our own lives, we may (like the unforgiving creditor in Matthew 18:23-35) find it difficult to extend mercy toward those who have offended or hurt us.

Forgiveness is a gift of love which we receive from God, and can then pass on to others.

• When and how have you received the gift of forgiveness in your life?
• Can your knowledge of the extravagant loving forgiveness of God feed your forgiveness of others?

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.” – Bryant H. McGill

We may find ourselves pausing at the threshold of forgiveness because we wrongfully assume that forgiveness necessarily leads to reconciliation, and we are reluctant to open ourselves to further abuse. But forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation. Although reconciliation may be the normal and desirable outcome of forgiveness, we should not imagine that it implies a return to the way things were before the offense. When a serious offense has occurred it is impossible to resume the former relationship because it has been forever changed. At most we can try to re-imagine it or give it some other form. But we must not assume that, in every case, forgiveness will lead to reconciliation. In many cases, it would be foolhardy or even dangerous to resume the relationship.

Forgiveness is possible even when reconciliation is not. Granting forgiveness helps us to recover our inner peace and freedom, it releases us from the burdens of resentment and the desire for revenge, and it restores our self-esteem. It can help us to understand and accept the person who has hurt us, discover positive benefits in the situation, and enable us to wish them well. Our ability to forgive may even lead the offender to a change of heart.

Granting forgiveness does not magically resolve the difficulties in a relationship; nor does it guarantee that the offender will not repeat the offending actions. But it can prove beneficial to us and further our growth and transformation in love. It is also the essence of the new community which Christ has called into being, as Paul reminds the Colossian Christians:

“As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other, just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts…and be thankful.” (Col. 3:12-15)

“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” – Lewis B. Smedes

About br. david vryhof.

Very helpful brother David, thanks so much

Thank you Br. David Vryhof for this very inspiring reflection. Stay safe Br. David and an abundance of special touches of Jesus and Mary’s love upon you always.

Wonderful reflection indeed. It is so enriching and appealing . Be blessed Br. David Vryhof

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Forgiveness

Apology, Blame

Reviewed by Psychology Today Staff

Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger . Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. One doesn't have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from an offender.

Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized. It propels people forward rather than keeping them emotionally engaged in an injustice or trauma . Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism , and guard against anger, stress , anxiety , and depression .

However, there are scenarios in which forgiveness is not the best course for a particular person. Sometimes a victim of sexual abuse becomes more empowered when they give themselves permission not to forgive.

• How to Forgive Others
• How to Forgive Yourself
• The Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially when the offending party offers either an insincere apology or nothing at all. However, it’s often the healthiest path forward.

A prominent model, put forth by psychologist Robert Enright, delineates four steps of forgiveness. The first is to uncover your anger by exploring how you’ve avoided or addressed the emotion . The second is to make the decision to forgive. Begin by acknowledging that ignoring or coping with the offense hasn’t worked, and therefore forgiveness might provide a path forward.

Third, cultivate forgiveness by developing compassion for the offender. Reflect on whether the act was due to malicious intent or circumstances in the offender’s life. Lastly, release the harmful emotions and reflect on how you may have grown from the experience and the act of forgiveness itself.

Resentment can sometimes linger for years, even if we believe that we’ve “moved on” or “forgotten about it.” To release resentment, reflect on why the person may have committed the offense, sit with the pain, and then try to forgive the other person, because forgiveness can instill a sense of strength that overpowers bitterness. 

The decision to forgive an affair is deeply personal. A key component is for the partner who had the affair to be completely transparent and honest from that moment forward to rebuild trust in the relationship. This may involve exploring the reasons for the affair to address underlying problems and prevent infidelity in the future.

No. Everyone has the right to decide whether or not they forgive another person. There are many examples of people who have forgiven others for horrendous crimes, such as shooting them or killing their child. If forgiveness ultimately instills peace or healing, there is no action too severe for forgiveness.

No. Forgiveness and reconciliation are distinct concepts. Forgiveness is internal, and the process does not hinge on the offender offering an apology or reconciling afterward. 

Forgiving another person is one thing, but what happens when we commit the offense ourselves? It’s important to take responsibility for mistakes, but intense guilt and shame aren’t a productive outcome in the long run.

The process of self-forgiveness can be a painful challenge but deeply valuable. Key to this process is owning up to one’s mistakes, understanding why they occurred, and helping to rectify the situation.

Begin by acknowledging that you are at fault and take responsibility for the hurt you caused. Reflect on why the event occurred and identify how to avoid a similar offense in the future. Then forgive yourself by focusing on the thought, saying it aloud, or writing it down. Apologize to the person you wronged and try to improve their life in a meaningful way.

Mistakes often become attached to underlying beliefs about ourselves, such as “I always say the wrong things” or “I’ll never be able to cover my bills.” Self-forgiveness can require these beliefs to be identified and addressed first. This pitfall and others make self-forgiveness especially challenging.

If you’ve done everything you can to fix the mistake, but you continue to beat yourself up, try a technique called “self-distancing.” Switch your internal dialogue from first person to third person and consider how an outsider would see the situation. This can help cultivate self-compassion and silence your inner critic.

Forgiveness and Forgiveness Therapy have been linked to greater feelings of happiness , hopefulness, and optimism . The process of forgiveness can also protect against serious conditions such as anxiety and depression and post- traumatic stress disorder. The act was also shown to benefit cardiac patients, by significantly lowering their blood pressure.

Harboring anger and resentment leads to the body to release stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline whenever the person comes to mind. A steady stream of those chemicals can lead to stress and anxiety as well as dampen creativity and problem solving.

Forgiveness offers many  positive psychological developments, such as reducing unhealthy anger, repairing potentially valuable relationships, growing as a person, and exercising goodness in and of itself, no matter the response. In addition to personal benefits, modeling forgiveness for others may lead to intergenerational and even societal improvement.

Forgiveness therapy asks patients to confront injustice and emotional pain, and then work toward forgiveness to resolve unhealthy anger. This therapy, in conjunction with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy, can help treat depression.

All couples argue. It may surprise you to learn that arguing does not in and of itself harm your relationship — but how you argue can cause damage.

Resentment can have a corrosive effect on love. Reflection, communication, and gratitude are key to preserving it.

A Personal Perspective: Bill's early HIV diagnosis loomed large, but as death neared, the love and loyalty between us outshined the painful memories.

When someone's feelings are hurt, they can feel an urge to “do something about it,” take action, and consider enacting revenge. How can they instead arrive at forgiveness?

Children benefit from parents’ encouragement and instruction on how to offer a sincere apology to those they have hurt.

You know your love language, but do you know your apology language?

We discuss our Replication Registered Report of McCullough's empathy model of forgiveness, the need for a science reform, and registered reports in improving science credibility.

The movie "One Life" is about irrational guilt and the difficulty of forgiving oneself for something one has no control over.

Forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate the progress you make along the way.

Forgiveness can get complex. As we forgive, there is work to do as the one who offended can be open to seeking forgiveness. Then, together, the two can work on reconciliation.

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‘Harvard Thinking’: Forgiving what you can’t forget

Wronged and can’t move on? In podcast, a theologian, a psychologist, and a public health expert discuss why and how to heal.

Samantha Laine Perfas

Harvard Staff Writer

What is forgiveness? In order to answer that question, it’s helpful to start with what forgiveness is not .

“Forgiveness is not the same as condoning the action, excusing it, or saying it’s all right. It’s not the same as foregoing justice,” said Tyler VanderWeele, the John L. Loeb and Frances Lehman Loeb Professor of Epidemiology at the Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health and the director of the Human Flourishing Program. “My preferred definition for forgiveness is replacing ill will toward an offender with goodwill.”

But it’s not always that simple. Laura Thompson, a clinical and consulting psychologist, suggests that even neutral emotions toward the offender indicate forgiveness has been achieved. And Matthew Ichihashi Potts, the Plummer Professor of Christian Morals and the Pusey Minister in the Memorial Church, takes it one step further: One can still hold on to negative feelings, but make the choice to not return “harm for harm.”

“Forgiveness has been used by institutions to require people to give up their anger, sometimes anger which is justified,” Potts said. “Especially for victims of abuse, trauma, or violence, that deep pressure to forgive … can be burdensome and retraumatizing.”

Still, forgiveness is good for us.

“We see all kinds of mental health and physical health benefits as a result of [forgiveness],” Thompson said. She recognizes that forgiveness is difficult for many people, and even the term forgiveness has become loaded with expectations, guilt, and shame. Perhaps reframing forgiveness as “grudge management” creates more opportunities for people to explore these painful experiences and find healing.

In this episode, host Samantha Laine Perfas, VanderWeele, Potts, and Thompson talk about the challenges of forgiveness — and why it may be worth the effort.

Laura Thompson: There’s often a lot of pressure on the group or the party with less power to forgive so that it’ll just feel better for everybody and go away. And that just doesn’t work. That’s not forgiveness.

Samantha Laine Perfas: It’s not uncommon for individuals to hold grudges for years, if not entire lifetimes. Yet forgiving someone is good for us. It’s linked to better health, both physical and mental, and it has the power to deepen relationships in profound ways. So why is it so difficult to forgive someone when we’ve been wronged?

Welcome to “Harvard Thinking,” a podcast where the life of the mind meets everyday life.

Today we’re joined by:

Tyler VanderWeele: Tyler VanderWeele, I’m the Loeb Professor of Epidemiology at the Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health and also the director of the Human Flourishing Program.

Laine Perfas: He studies links between religion and health, as well as the science of happiness and flourishing. Then:

Matthew Ichihashi Potts: I’m Matt Potts. I’m the Plummer Professor of Christian Morals and the Pusey Minister in the Memorial Church at Harvard University.

Laine Perfas: He specializes in Christian theology and wrote the book “Forgiveness: An Alternative Account.” And our third guest:

Thompson: Laura Thompson, I’m a clinical and consulting psychologist.

Laine Perfas: She was a fellow at McLean Hospital and the Cambridge Health Alliance. Today, she mostly does clinical work and teaches and trains others in mindfulness through the Oxford Mindfulness Foundation and privately.

And I’m your host, Samantha Laine Perfas, and a writer for the Harvard Gazette. In this episode, we’ll talk about why forgiveness might be worth it, even if it’s hard.

Let’s kick off the conversation with some definitions. How do each of you define forgiveness?

Thompson: This is an interesting question. In the late ’90s, there was a lot of funding made available very generously to promote the research of forgiveness. And it really sparked this question of how do we think about forgiveness? There are these lay definitions that you might find in the dictionary that’ll say things like releasing resentment or anger, but sometimes included in that are things like condoning or pardoning. And from the psychological perspective, there really is a difference there; in looking at what’s happening psychologically when we forgive, it’s helpful to take a step back and think about what creates the conditions for forgiveness to even be an option. Something happens that really violates a person’s sense of either how another person should behave or should be, how the world should be, how they themselves should be. And in that, there’s this natural response of anger or anxiety or sadness, and there’s this opportunity for all kinds of ways to respond to that, and forgiveness is one. And it’s essentially a shift in the thinking, the feeling, the motivation, and the behavior about this transgression from the negative to either the neutral or the positive.

VanderWeele: Just building a bit on what Laura was saying, my preferred definition for forgiveness is replacing ill will toward an offender with goodwill; instead of wanting something bad to happen to them, wanting good to come to them. But understood in that way, forgiveness is not the same as condoning the action, or excusing it, or saying it’s all right. It’s not the same as foregoing justice. One can pursue justice and still want what’s ultimately good for the offender. It’s also not the same as reconciliation; in some cases it may be that the nature of the offense is that two people shouldn’t reconcile. But it’s wanting what’s good for them.

Potts: I think my definition is similar to the others’ but I approach the question as a scholar of religion and a moral theologian and a moral philosopher. In my pastoral experience, the association of forgiveness has been used by institutions to require people to give up their anger, sometimes anger which is justified, right? So the way I think about forgiveness is actually it’s not giving up a grudge necessarily. You might hold a grudge and still forgive. For me, I begin my forgiveness where I feel like the virtue has been abused by power, toward pressuring folks to give up their anger too prematurely, or pressuring folks to reconcile prematurely. And I’ve defined forgiveness as foregoing retaliation. I want to suggest that forgiveness tries to develop an idea of justice where we can imagine a future where we don’t need to return harm for harm or we can move on into the future without retaliation, but with still some sense of justice going forward. And so maybe that means grudges, maybe it means anger. It can include negative affect or negative emotion that might include a reluctance or refusal of reconciliation. But what there isn’t is continued retaliatory and reciprocal violence.

Laine Perfas: Just to summarize: Tyler, you are saying forgiveness is replacing ill will with goodwill; Laura, you’re saying it’s replacing ill will with either goodwill or neutral will. And then Matt, you are saying that forgiveness doesn’t necessitate getting rid of your negative emotions, it’s just foregoing retaliation. Could you talk about that a little bit more, because I’m having a hard time conceptualizing how you could forgive and yet still hold a grudge.

Potts: Yeah, I think a lot of this has to do with how we would define what a grudge is, right? In the Christian tradition, forgiveness is a virtue; in the New Testament it’s a mandated virtue: You must forgive in some ways. And especially for victims of abuse or trauma or violence, that deep pressure to forgive, when it includes a pressure to reconcile or a pressure to give up anger, can be burdensome and retraumatizing to victims. One of the reasons I’m thinking about anger with respect to forgiveness is because we know that there are classes of people who are less allowed to be angry in our culture. A lot of my work developed around hearing victims’ concerns around forgiveness, around the way it transfers responsibility for the repair of wrong from wrongdoers to victims, right? I’ve heard victims’ advocates and people in my congregation who have said, “I can’t do that. Why is it on me to do this? And if I don’t do it, I’m a bad Christian?” That might be conceived as still bearing a grudge. “I don’t want to reconcile with them because I don’t trust them.” But I would say that we have to allow and afford victims the right to decide when they can trust another person enough to reconcile with them. And so much of the Christian ethic is based in an idea of what love is and loving your neighbor and loving your enemy. The idea that anger cannot coexist alongside love, I think, is a dangerous idea. I think that anger and love can go together. And if Christianity is putting pressure on victims of wrongdoing to feel a certain way, that bothers me.

Thompson: You’re pointing at something so important, I think, which is the pressure that can be there either from a religious tradition, from members of a group, and there’s been some research showing that there are pressures that prevent people from forgiving as well as those that push people to do this outward forgiveness when the internal state hasn’t shifted. What’s happening internally? The thing that really seems to undergird a challenge in this shift into the neutral or the positive is this kind of angry rumination, grieving, the kinds of things where the mind gets really caught in cycling through something over and over again. And that’s what we do in response to trauma or to things that really violate our sense of how things should be. So that response is incredibly natural and what people do. In fact, people who are forgiving at a trait level aren’t less likely to respond that way. It’s not that people don’t ever feel those feelings. It’s that they have this capacity to make that shift and a lot of what seems to help that is the capacity to release that ruminative process, that getting really caught in cyclic thinking. And we see all kinds of mental health and physical health benefits as a result of that shift. We know that depression decreases. We know that the angry rumination and anxiety decrease. And along with that, the nervous system, the part of our nervous system that gets so activated when we are in this fight-or-flight mode has this chance to go into a sort of rest-and-restore mode. And I think it opens the door for things that can happen at the societal level or just relationships within families, within a couple, all of those levels. But I think Matt’s pointing at something just so important. It’s something that I found people writing about when we did narrative research, people did write about the pressure that they felt to forgive and to forget, having forgetting somehow linked with forgiving, that somehow the offense wouldn’t be there.

VanderWeele: The psychologist Everett Worthington makes what I think is a very helpful distinction between “decisional forgiveness” and “emotional forgiveness.” And decisional forgiveness is that commitment to replace ill will toward the offender with goodwill. And that’s within our control. It’s something we can do. The emotional forgiveness is the replacement of negative thoughts, emotions, feelings toward the offender with positive ones. And that’s not entirely within our control and may not always even be appropriate. But I think the distinction is helpful both with regard to the experiential aspects of forgiveness: how we can think we’ve forgiven and then the very next day we’re experiencing anger again. We don’t have to say, “Oh, no, that forgiveness wasn’t real.” It was real, but it was decisional forgiveness. It was that commitment to replace ill will with goodwill, but that doesn’t mean that the feelings of anger aren’t going to come back.

Laine Perfas: What is actually happening in our minds, body, spirit, when we’re struggling with unforgiveness? What is it that is being triggered?

Thompson: I think that when a person experiences a transgression it shakes everything up. It’s a violation of what we expect or think should be. And that’s very disorienting, and the natural response to that is to relate to it as a threat: This is not what was anticipated. And at some level, there’s a lack of feeling of safety or OK-ness. And that does activate our fight-or-flight response. And I think that’s what we’re seeing when people are responding to transgression not in forgiveness. And it is part of the process. There is no forgiveness without that, right? Because there would be nothing to forgive. So forgiveness is this capacity to hold simultaneously the reality of this very difficult wrong, which is charged and difficult to relate to, with the possibility of not being gripped by that; of releasing and having that transform into something that, at the very least, is at a neutral point.

Laine Perfas: We often hurt people that we’re really close to, or we’re hurt by people that we’re really close to. Is it harder to forgive that transgression when it’s someone who is so close to us?

Potts: I think it can cut both ways with an offense from a loved one. It seems even more wrong. This is someone I trust, and yet wrong has been done. And so I think the fact that the offense, the transgression seems greater, makes it more difficult to forgive. On the other hand, the empirical research also suggests that when we’re in an important relationship that has tremendous potential to contribute to our well-being longer term, it’s actually a bit easier to forgive, in those cases. So I think it’s a both/and: The transgression seems worse, and yet the motivation to forgive is often greater. I tend to think in marriages or in close relationships, it is in some ways fertile ground for developing that capacity to forgive. Because even smaller offenses can seem quite upsetting when it’s someone who is trusted or who is supposed to love you. In the context of marriage and family life and working through struggles and difficulties, that can happen repeatedly. And so there’s need for repeated seeking of forgiveness and offering of forgiveness.

Laine Perfas: One of the reasons we wanted to do this episode is because there’s been more research on forgiveness in recent years showing that there are pretty powerful health benefits. Could you talk a little bit about why forgiveness might be good for us?

VanderWeele: There have been dozens and dozens of studies that have indicated that those who are more forgiving and those who forgive specific offenses over time, improve in health and well-being. I’d say the strongest effects really are on mental health, on anxiety, on depression. The effects on physical health, there’s definitely some evidence that’s a little bit more disputed in what context for what groups of people, but the evidence on mental health is now extremely solid, and this includes now also dozens of randomized trials, the same sorts of study designs we use to look at cancer treatments or vaccines have been used to look at interventions to help people forgive who want to forgive but are struggling to do so. Those who participate have lower depression and lower anxiety as well as greater sense of forgiveness after even a few weeks. I think there’s really something to the effects of forgiveness on mental health. So to my mind, forgiveness tools should be considered even in routine mental healthcare.

Laine Perfas: How does forgiveness or lack of forgiveness affect entire communities?

Potts: One of the scholars that I engage in my book is John Paul Lederach. And although he’s a theorist and trained as a sociologist, his practical job has been going into post-accord conflict situations and negotiating peace between communities that have been doing awful things to each other, sometimes for generations. And he said all the bureaucrats feel like, “OK, there’s a treaty now, let’s all go have peace. Let’s move forward. Let’s do it.” And he said, when you go into the situations, you have to realize that nobody on the ground actually believes peace is possible because they have been so deeply hurt and so deeply wounded because people they love have been killed and places destroyed, their whole world’s turned upside-down. Why would they believe that peace is possible? They have no trust for the other side. They are completely pessimistic. And he said if you go in as an optimist telling them, “Hey, we can do this, peace is possible,” all they will hear is that you do not understand what they’ve gone through. And what they actually need someone to do is to understand how deep their pain is, which means actually engaging their pain really directly. And so what he calls it is the gift of pessimism. You have to believe, like them, that peace is not possible, and just sit with them as they process all the pain that they have to process. And he said that’s really the only way you get beyond it, right? Because the only future that can realistically be built must be built on truth about the past. Then forgiveness, insofar as it is this reckoning with the past in a serious and honest way, is really the only way forward for a peaceful future.

VanderWeele: I think there are very complicated issues with regard to forgiveness at the community level, as Matt indicated. I think another side of that is thinking about how is forgiveness operating at the societal level, just in day-to-day life? As a society, are we more or less forgiving? One might think of that as almost a preventive measure to try to avoid those massive conflicts, which do really require a more communal sense of forgiveness and of seeking of peace. I tend to think as a society we should work toward promoting forgiveness at the individual level. It’s not going to be a solution to the sorts of massive conflicts that Matt was describing, but again, it might help prevent those. So I think there’s a real question whether we’re creating a society in which ill will is spreading or in which goodwill is spreading. And I do think that practice of interpersonal forgiveness, even if it’s just with one’s spouse or friend, that moving toward that more forgiving disposition, I think, can have profound societal effects.

Laine Perfas: Are there any other examples we can point to that show how this failure shows up today?

Potts: If you want to look at what the failure of forgiveness looks like, one great example would be the American carceral system and mass incarceration in this country. If you think the purpose of punishment is to harm the offender, what you get is a criminal justice system which causes historically humongous levels of harm. A forgiving culture would not be one in which there was never discipline. But what we have in this country is a carceral system, which just causes untold misery and harm. In many cases, it seems just for harm’s sake, because returning harm for harm is what we think justice is, and then we mete that out culturally upon vast segments of the population. That’s a societal effect of forgiveness failing, I think.

VanderWeele: I very much agree with Matt, and I don’t think forgiveness is incompatible with seeking just punishment, but that needs to be oriented toward the good of the offender. I do think punishment can serve a role of expressing to the community that some wrong has been done. It can sometimes lead to reform. It can provide deterrence and restraint, but in all those cases we have to ask, is this level of punishment actually good for the offender and the community? And I think in most cases in this country, our punishments are excessive, are incompatible with forgiveness.

Laine Perfas: I like the framing of creating a culture of forgiveness. But at the same time, how do we balance encouraging forgiveness, knowing that it is beneficial for people and society, without pushing people or forcing them to do something that they’re not ready to do?

VanderWeele: I think one can encourage forgiveness by just recognizing the humanity of the other person. One can encourage forgiveness by noting the health benefits, as we discussed earlier, but I don’t think it should be ever forced. I do think it’s, again, not unreasonable to ask, however, are you struggling with anger? Do you want to forgive? If someone wants to forgive and is struggling with forgiveness, I think that’s a time where it’s not unreasonable to try to help them.

Thompson: As Matt has pointed to, there’s often a lot of pressure on the group or the party with less power to forgive so that it’ll just feel better for everybody and go away. And that just doesn’t work. That’s not forgiveness. So I think I would step back and say it’s a broad question about what are the conditions in society that enable groups of people to be safe enough to take that step to reconcile; and those are not always the same conditions that can promote that internal shift. People can make an internal shift in the absolute worst conditions. And that really is a gift that one can give to oneself. And those changes that are internal do support interpersonal changes, and those support societal changes.

I guess my suggestion from a psychological perspective would be that we can invite it in as an intention and invite in daily small habit changes. So it may be as simple as when you’re driving down the road and someone cuts you off in traffic and that huge nervous system response kicks in, right? And there can be all kinds of feelings and thoughts and behaviors associated with that, honking the horn or yelling or whatever it is. There’s that massive activation. It’s an opportunity to, as best you can, pause and invite in this other intention of allowing that to just settle and see the fear; there was this fear, there was this anger. It’s real that something terrible really could have happened. Sometimes what helps people is understanding the common humanity of the other person. I’ve gone into the other lane without seeing the person in my blind spot, right? I’ve been in a hurry. I’ve done all kinds of things. Sometimes just seeing the common humanity can be helpful in shifting this little habit, other times it’s just allowing our physiological self to calm down. Just letting that be and not kicking off the thoughts that keep that escalating and escalating. “I can’t believe that, that was just, who would do something like that?” That just intensifies it. Sometimes it’s easier to work with small things and small habit shifts and then invite those in bigger ways. There are no perfect processes. I think it’s something we’re very much grappling with in humanity.

Potts: I could build on that. I thought that was really wise, Laura. Just in response to your question, Sam, about like, how do we build a more encouraging society of forgiveness? One of the things that I thought that was really important, what Laura said, was that safety is so crucial. And because it is often vulnerable populations who experience pressure to forgive. If a vulnerable population is harmed and they’re angry about it, and then we respond saying, “Oh, be more forgiving,” what we’re basically telling them is, it wasn’t that big a deal. “You weren’t really harmed.” I think maybe ironically, the way to promote a more forgiving culture would be for us to be more patient with the anger of the vulnerable and to pay more attention and to recognize the righteousness of that anger, like where it comes from and why folks are angry. That develops the kinds of safety and develops the kinds of recognition and acts of redress that allow people to not maybe want to retaliate and not to not seek violence as a recourse. I mean, we have a very angry culture, so I feel weird saying this, but paying attention to and not stifling the anger of people who have been harmed and recognizing where the anger comes from and honoring it as natural, I think really that’s one of the first steps toward building a culture where forgiveness is more possible and doesn’t bear out as further oppression for people.

Laine Perfas: I think to do that well and effectively, it’s also important to go back to what is the proper role of anger in life. My view is that it’s to direct us to justice. I think anger that just wants harm for the other for harm’s sake is not going to be helpful, is not going to move us toward a more forgiving society. But when we recognize the wrong, when we take the wrong seriously, when we say we want to pursue a just outcome, I think that’s a really important step. So my final question is really for the listener. There might be people listening to this podcast that are really wrestling with forgiveness in their own life. Maybe they did something or maybe someone did something to them. Do you have any things that you could share that might help them think about forgiveness in a different way?

VanderWeele: I do think realizing what forgiveness is and is not is helpful. I do think some of the resistance toward forgiveness is thinking that this must entail foregoing justice or forgetting or excusing the offense. I think forgiveness really just understood as replacing ill will toward the offender with goodwill, it’s easier to swallow that, than to say, “I’m going to pretend that never happened.” And then second, I would say is that if someone wants to forgive and is struggling to do so, these forgiveness workbooks that Everett Worthington has developed and that in our research is evaluated in this large randomized trial are very helpful. It’s not for everyone. Don’t want to forgive, it’s not for you. But for someone who wants to forgive and is struggling to do so, [they] can download them freely from the Human Flourishing Program at Harvard, but I’ve found them very powerful, as have many others.

Thompson: One thing we haven’t talked a lot about is self-forgiveness. We tend to think a lot about forgiveness of another person, but as much as there may be a lot of anger outward, there sometimes can be blaming or shaming ourselves around that, for our own behavior and sometimes for things that happen to us. And so I think one piece of that is bringing in some gentleness with the self. I use mindfulness and I teach it. That’s one approach that can be very helpful. I know some people have used contemplative prayer practices, which is more in the Christian tradition and in other traditions. I think cognitive therapy can be very supportive because it really helps with shifting our relationship with what is. It doesn’t change what is. It just helps us change how we’re relating to that.

The other thing that came to mind was in a lot of studies where we’re looking at forgiveness classes or interventions, the majority of people who tended to sign up were women. The word forgiveness can sometimes be quite confronting or unappealing to men, and I’m talking a lot in Western culture because of the studies I’m talking about, but one thing that was interesting is I’ve seen researchers label their groups “grudge management” to attract men into the groups. That the idea of managing a grudge can feel much more appealing than the idea of forgiving, and so increasingly in my work I’ve moved away from the word forgiveness because it can be so charged with so many meanings in our culture. And I know that’s unpopular as we sit discussing forgiveness in this podcast, but honestly to sort of take a step back and think about it as a phenomenon, what are we discussing? And we’re discussing the capacity to hold simultaneously in our heart and in our minds this really terrible thing with the capacity for the neutral or the positive for the release from that. And I think most people do want that.

Potts: Thank you all for joining me for this really great conversation.

Thompson: Thank you.

VanderWeele: Really appreciated the conversation and discussion.

Potts: Yeah, thank you. Sam.

Laine Perfas: Thanks for listening. For a transcript of this episode and to listen to all of our other episodes, visit harvard.edu/thinking. This episode was hosted, produced, and edited by me, Samantha Laine Perfas, with additional editing from Ryan Mulcahey, Simona Covel, and Paul Makishima. Additional production support from Jill Radsken. Original music and sound design by Noel Flatt. Produced by Harvard University.

Recommended reading

• DIY Forgiveness Workbooks by Everett Worthington
• The Power of Forgiveness by Harvard Health Publishing
• Among the Brokenhearted: The Ministry of Matthew Ichihashi Potts by Harvard Magazine

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Roadside Attractions has acquired “ Exhibiting Forgiveness ,” the directorial debut of artist Titus Kaphar that premiered at this year’s Sundance Film Festival .

The drama, about an acclaimed painter whose life is upended by an unexpected visit from his estranged father, stars André Holland (“Moonlight”) and John Earl Jelks (“Miracle at St. Anna”), along with Oscar nominees Andra Day (“The United States vs. Billie Holiday”) and Aunjanue Ellis-Taylor (“King Richard”). Kaphar wrote the film, in addition to directing it.

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In a positive review out of Sundance, Variety ‘s Owen Gleiberman praised the film for avoiding ” the clichés of reconciliation” and added “it’s a feel-the-reality movie, a drama willing to scald. That’s its quiet power.”

Kaphar is the recipient of a Robert R. Rauschenberg Artist as Activist grant, a Creative Capital Award, an Art for Justice Fund grant and a MacArthur Fellowship, among others. Kaphar’s painting, “Analagous Colors,” was featured on the cover of the June 15, 2020, issue of Time. His 2017 TED talk has received 2.8 million views to date. His work is included in the collections of the Detroit Institute of Arts; the Yale University Art Gallery; the Seattle Art Museum; The Museum of Modern Art; and the Brooklyn Museum.           

“Titus has changed the world with his art, and this film will bring him a legion of new fans and delight the many who already love his work,” said Roadside Attractions co-presidents Howard Cohen and Eric d’Arbeloff. “These are four jaw-dropping performances which we have no doubt is the finest ensemble filmgoers will see this year.”   

The deal was negotiated by Roadside Attractions’ Cohen and d’Arbeloff and UTA Independent Film Group on behalf of the filmmakers. 

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