how to solve family problems and conflicts essay

Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

Family Conflict Is Normal; It’s the Repair That Matters

Three months into the pandemic, I had the urge to see my 28-year-old daughter and her husband, 2,000 miles away. She had weathered an acute health crisis, followed by community protests that propelled them both onto the streets to serve food and clean up neighborhoods. They were coping, but the accumulation of challenges made the mom in me want to connect with and support them. So, together with my husband, my other daughter, and her husband, our family of six adults and two dogs formed a new pod inside my daughter’s home in the steamy heat of the Minneapolis summer.

As I packed, a wisp of doubt crept in. We six hadn’t lived together under the same roof, ever . Would I blow it? Would I “flap my lips,” as a friend calls it, and accidentally say something hurtful? Some time back, in a careless moment of exhaustion, I had insulted my brand-new son-in-law with a thoughtless remark. He was rightfully hurt, and it took a long letter and a phone call to get us back on track.

My own siblings and I were raised inside the intractable rupture that was my parents’ marriage. Their lifelong conflict sowed discord and division in everyone around them. I worked hard to create a different, positive family climate with my husband and our children. My old ghosts were haunting me, though, and I didn’t want to ruin a good thing.

how to solve family problems and conflicts essay

Yet research shows that it’s not realistic, or possible, or even healthy to expect that our relationships will be harmonious all the time. Everything we know from developmental science and research on families suggests that rifts will happen—and what matters more is how you respond to them. With many families spending more time together than ever now, there are ample opportunities for tension and hurt feelings. These moments also offer ample invitations to reconnect.

Disconnections are a fact of life

Researcher Ed Tronick, together with colleague Andrew Gianino, calculated how often infants and caregivers are attuned to each other. (Attunement is a back-and-forth rhythm of interaction where partners share positive emotions.) They found that it’s surprisingly little. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are in sync only 30% of the time. The other 70%, they’re mismatched, out of synch, or making repairs and coming back together. Cheeringly, even babies work toward repairs with their gazes, smiles, gestures, protests, and calls.

These mismatches and repairs are critical, Tronick explains. They’re important for growing children’s self-regulation, coping, and resilience. It is through these mismatches—in small, manageable doses—that babies, and later children, learn that the world does not track them perfectly. These small exposures to the micro-stress of unpleasant feelings, followed by the pleasant feelings that accompany repair, or coming back together, are what give them manageable practice in keeping their boat afloat when the waters are choppy. Put another way, if a caregiver met all of their child’s needs perfectly, it would actually get in the way of the child’s development.   “Repairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting,” says UCLA neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel , director of the Mindsight Institute and author of several books on interpersonal neurobiology.

Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired, says Tronick , and then again become miscoordinated and stressful, and again are repaired. This occurs thousands of times in a day, and millions of times over a year.

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Other research shows that children have more conflicts and repairs with friends than non-friends. Sibling conflict is legendary; and adults’ conflicts escalate when they become parents. If interpersonal conflict is unavoidable—and even necessary—then the only way we can maintain important relationships is to get better at re-synchronizing them, and especially at tending to repairs when they rupture.

“Relationships shrink to the size of the field of repair,” says Rick Hanson , psychologist and author of several books on the neuroscience of well-being. “But a bid for a repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other,” he adds. “It says you value the relationship.”

Strengthening the family fabric

In a small Canadian study , researchers examined how parents of four- to seven-year-old children strengthened, harmed, or repaired their relationships with their children. Parents said their relationships with their children were strengthened by “horizontal” or egalitarian exchanges like playing together, negotiating, taking turns, compromising, having fun, or sharing psychological intimacy—in other words, respecting and enjoying one another. Their relationships were harmed by an over-reliance on power and authority, and especially by stonewalling tactics like the “silent treatment.” When missteps happened, parents repaired and restored intimacy by expressing warmth and affection, talking about what happened, and apologizing.

This model of strengthening, harming, and repairing can help you think about your own interactions. When a family relationship is already positive, there is a foundation of trust and a belief in the other’s good intentions, which helps everyone restore more easily from minor ruptures. For this reason, it helps to proactively tend the fabric of family relationships.   That can begin with simply building up an investment of positive interactions:

Spend “special time” with each child individually to create more space to deepen your one-to-one relationship. Let them control the agenda and decide how long you spend together.
Appreciate out loud, share gratitude reflections, and notice the good in your children intermittently throughout the day or week.

You also want to watch out for ways you might harm the relationship. If you’re ever unsure about a child’s motives, check their intentions behind their behaviors and don’t assume they were ill-intentioned. Language like, “I noticed that…” or “Tell me what happened…” or “And then what happened?” can help you begin to understand an experience from the child’s point of view.

A Loving Space for Kids’ Emotions

Show love to your children by helping them process emotions

When speaking to a child, consider how they might receive what you’re saying. Remember that words and silence have weight; children are “ emotional Geiger counters ” and read your feelings much more than they process your words. If you are working through feelings or traumas that have nothing to do with them, take care to be responsible for your own feelings and take a moment to calm yourself before speaking.

In this context of connection and understanding, you can then create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed:

Watch for tiny bids for repairs . Sometimes we have so much on our minds that we miss the look, gesture, or expression in a child that shows that what they really want is to reconnect.
Normalize requests like “I need a repair” or “Can we have a redo?” We need to be able to let others know when the relationship has been harmed.
Likewise, if you think you might have stepped on someone’s toes, circle back to check. Catching a misstep early can help.

When you’re annoyed by a family member’s behavior, try to frame your request for change in positive language; that is, say what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. Language like, “I have a request…” or “Would you be willing to…?” keeps the exchange more neutral and helps the recipient stay engaged rather than getting defensive.

You can also model healthy repairs with people around you, so they are normalized and children see their usefulness in real time. Children benefit when they watch adults resolve conflict constructively. 

Four steps to an authentic repair

There are infinite varieties of repairs, and they can vary in a number of ways, depending on your child’s age and temperament, and how serious the rift was.

Infants need physical contact and the restoration of love and security. Older children need affection and more words. Teenagers may need more complex conversations. Individual children vary in their styles—some need more words than others, and what is hurtful to one child may not faze another child. Also, your style might not match the child’s, requiring you to stretch further.

Some glitches are little and may just need a check-in, but deeper wounds need more attention. Keep the apology in proportion to the hurt. What’s important is not your judgment of how hurt someone should be, but the actual felt experience of the child’s hurt. A one-time apology may suffice, but some repairs need to be acknowledged frequently over time to really stitch that fabric back together. It’s often helpful to check in later to see if the amends are working.

While each repair is unique, authentic repairs typically involve the same steps.

1. Acknowledge the offense. First, try to understand the hurt you caused. It doesn’t matter if it was unintentional or what your reasons were. This is the time to turn off your own defense system and focus on understanding and naming the other person’s pain or anger.

Sometimes you need to check your understanding. Begin slowly: “Did I hurt you? Help me understand how.” This can be humbling and requires that we listen with an open heart as we take in the other person’s perspective.

Try not to undermine the apology by adding on any caveats, like blaming the child for being sensitive or ill-behaved or deserving of what happened. Any attempt to gloss over, minimize, or dilute the wound is not an authentic repair. Children have a keen sense for authenticity. Faking it or overwhelming them will not work.

A spiritual teacher reminded me of an old saying, “It is acknowledging the wound that gets the thorn out.” It’s what reconnects our humanity.

Making an Effective Apology

A good apology involves more than saying "sorry"

2. Express remorse. Here, a sincere “I’m sorry” is sufficient.

Don’t add anything to it. One of the mistakes adults often make, according to therapist and author Harriet Lerner , is to tack on a discipline component: “Don’t let it happen again,” or “Next time, you’re really going to get it.” This, says Lerner, is what prevents children from learning to use apologies themselves.   Apologizing can be tricky for adults. It might feel beneath us, or we may fear that we’re giving away our power. We shouldn’t have to apologize to a child, because as adults we are always right, right? Of course not. But it’s easy to get stuck in a vertical power relationship to our child that makes backtracking hard.

On the other hand, some adults—especially women, says Rick Hanson —can go overboard and be too effusive, too obsequious, or even too quick in their efforts to apologize. This can make the apology more about yourself than the person who was hurt. Or it could be a symptom of a need for one’s own boundary work.

There is no perfect formula for an apology except that it be delivered in a way that acknowledges the wound and makes amends. And there can be different paths to that. Our family sometimes uses a jokey, “You were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong,” to playfully acknowledge light transgressions. Some apologies are nonverbal: My father atoned for missing all of my childhood birthdays when he traveled 2,000 miles to surprise me at my doorstep for an adult birthday. Words are not his strong suit, but his planning, effort, and showing up was the repair. Apologies can take on all kinds of tones and qualities.

3. Consider offering a brief explanation. If you sense that the other person is open to listening, you can provide a brief explanation of your point of view, but use caution, as this can be a slippery slope. Feel into how much is enough. The focus of the apology is on the wounded person’s experience. If an explanation helps, fine, but it shouldn’t derail the intent. This is not the time to add in your own grievances—that’s a conversation for a different time.

4. Express your sincere intention to fix the situation and to prevent it from happening again. With a child, especially, try to be concrete and actionable about how the same mistake can be prevented in the future. “I’m going to try really hard to…” and “Let’s check back in to see how it’s feeling…” can be a start.

Remember to forgive yourself, too. This is a tender process, we are all works in progress, and adults are still developing. I know I am.

Prior to our visit, my daughter and I had a phone conversation. We shared our excitement about the rare chance to spend so much time together. Then we gingerly expressed our concerns.

“I’m afraid we’ll get on each other’s nerves,” I said.

“I’m afraid I’ll be cooking and cleaning the whole time,” she replied.

So we strategized about preventing these foibles. She made a spreadsheet of chores where everyone signed up for a turn cooking and cleaning, and we discussed the space needs that people would have for working and making phone calls.

Then I drew a breath and took a page from the science. “I think we have to expect that conflicts are going to happen,” I said. “It’s how we work through them that will matter. The love is in the repair.”

This article is excerpted from a longer article on Diana Divecha’s blog, developmentalscience.com.

About the Author

Diana Divecha

Diana Divecha, Ph.D. , is a developmental psychologist, an assistant clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and on the advisory board of the Greater Good Science Center. Her blog is developmentalscience.com .

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Home — Essay Samples — Sociology — Family Relationships — The Importance of Family Problems and their Solutions

The Importance of Family Problems and Their Solutions

Categories: Family Relationships

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Words: 510 |

Published: Feb 7, 2024

Words: 510 | Page: 1 | 3 min read

Families play a vital role in society, financial difficulties are a leading cause of family problems, the effects of family problems can be far-reaching and long-lasting, solutions to family problems vary depending on the nature of the issue, prevention is always better than cure.

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Family Conflict (Essay Sample)

Family conflict.

It is normal to disagree with one another from time to time. Intermittent conflict is part of family life . Family members can disagree when they have different beliefs or views that clash with the interests of others. However, family conflict can be stressful and damage the relationships among family members especially when the members are prone to misunderstanding one another and jumping to wrongly skewed conclusions. The result may be unresolved conflicts that manifest in continuous arguments and end in resentment. Intense family conflict can lead to break-ups and dissolution of marriages or separation of siblings and everlasting disunity even in important matters that affect the family members.

Family conflicts arise for various reasons. Finance and jobs are the main causes of family conflicts. Failure to secure a good job that earns the breadwinner significant income to pay for bills, service mortgages or pay rent, buy food, and fund recreation activities for the family members is the main cause of conflict between the spouses and by extension the siblings. Most often, one of the spouses will tend to believe that the other spouse is spending the money elsewhere and is not caring for them and begin to quarrel. Also, where one of the spouses is engaged with a job that keeps him or her away from the other spouse and the children will feel neglected and incite conflict. Similarly, if the breadwinner loses the job, the family members are likely to be stressed and quarrel as their future financial situation becomes uncertain.

Apart from finances and jobs, family conflicts could arise from sibling rivalry. Siblings will naturally compete with one another for parental approval or attention. Such competition may involve causing harm to others, teasing one another, or tattling. Either of such practices will eventually result in conflict among the siblings, especially where the parent does not intervene and uphold equality among the siblings through showing equal love and acceptance for all.

In addition to finance, jobs, and sibling rivalry, lack of patience and understanding among the family members is another cause of conflict. The sustainability of families requires patience from both members since there are events that occur along the way which could be unfavorable. For instance, at some point, a breadwinner may lose his or her job. Family members ought to be patient and understand the situation as they await a resolution to the situation. Most often, the other spouse would be impatient and rush to conclude that the family has lost direction leading to quarrels and conflict in the family.

Since family conflicts are inevitable, there should be ways of resolving or avoiding the conflicts to avoid the adverse effects of these conflicts. One of the ways to resolve family conflicts is to be patient and slow to quarrel. Holding the tongue for a few seconds can be a great step towards resolving a conflict. Spouses can calm down and think of better ways to respond to a situation or a developing conflict. With patience, a better thought solution can be offered to resolve a conflict than quickly rushing to fight with one another. Also, family members can avoid conflicts by getting hard on their problems and not just blaming one another. Avoiding the blame games opens room for concessions and allows the family members to work together in finding solutions to their problems.

Overall, family conflicts can easily be predicted as they develop from obvious issues such as finance, jobs or sibling rivalry. As a family head, one ought to keep track of these issues and be in the leading line to offer solutions to such problems before the conflict arises. Patience and understanding are crucial for all family members if conflicts are to be avoided.

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Family Conflict Resolution Tips and Strategies

Sometimes, family issues can be the most complex

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.

praetorianphoto / Getty Images

Defining What You Can Control and What You Can't

The Role of Patterns

Simple changes for better results, what you can do now.

When families get together, we hope for fun times characterized by love and bonding, but we often find that family conflicts occur during these times as well. In fact, in most families, there are longstanding patterns of interaction and roles that people traditionally play within these interactions. When adult children get together with family, they often find themselves slipping back into these patterns, something laughingly referred to as "revertigo."

These interactions can be positive, but when they’re negative, they can bring high amounts of stress to a family gathering. That's where family conflict resolution comes in.

Defining What You Can Control and What You Can't

How often have you had an experience where you knew you were going to see your family and could predict in advance what annoying or frustrating interactions you might have with certain family members, and things went exactly as you’d hoped they wouldn’t? Have you ever wished you had a remote control for humans, complete with pause, rewind and mute buttons?

While you can’t control the actions of others, you can control your response to their actions, which can alter the whole dynamic and create more positive interactions.

In fact, Dr. Kathleen Kelley Reardon, USC Marshall School professor and author of Comebacks at Work: Using Conversation to Master Confrontation, estimates that 75% of how people treat us is under our control because of this. She advocates taking a different approach if you want to experience new, more positive results with these types of conflicts in the future.

“Communication is like chess where every move one person makes influences the choices of the other,” says Reardon.

A good rule of thumb is to not say what you would normally say in response to any provocation.

"If you let someone go on and on and that leads to anger, link something you have to say to his or her topic and then change to another one," she says.

If you think you’re being blamed for something, instead of getting your back up, try saying, “There’s some truth to that” or “I hadn’t thought of it that way but I see your point.” In other words, tweak what you normally do. Then you won’t just slip into conflict. Above all, don’t be predictable. When we’re predictable, those who want to argue can maneuver us into doing just that.”

This solution is based on the observation that many of our conflicts with people we know well are based on repeated patterns that we unwittingly perpetuate.

We may try to be proactive about responding in a way that will resolve the conflict each time (though let's face it, many of us are more focused on “winning” the argument rather than on dissolving or resolving the conflict, and there’s often a difference). This response could actually serve to keep things going the way they have in the past, which may not be what we want.

“All families and most friends bring with them emotional baggage from the past,” explains Reardon. “In Comebacks at Work we describe how this leads to URPS (unwanted repetitive episodes) in conversation. Most of us slip into these dysfunctional and stressful patterns without even noticing because we’ve been in them so many times before.

Some of the common URPS involve sibling rivalry issues, patterns with parents that have never gone away, political issues even in families where everyone identifies with the same political party, and who is more right about topics that aren’t really important.

According to Reardon, the key to getting out of these URPS situations is to recognize “choice points” in a conversation, or points in the discourse where you can alter the tone and direction that the exchange takes, by altering your own responses. She gives the following scenario as an example:

Alan: That’s a stupid idea. Eleanor: What makes you a genius? Alan: I’m not a genius but I know when something is ridiculous. Eleanor: You’re ridiculous.

“After Alan said, “That’s a stupid idea,” Eleanor was at a choice point, explains Reardon. “She reacted in the way many people would. But, she could have altered this conversation.” Here’s how that might look:

Alan: “That’s a stupid idea.” Eleanor: “At first, I thought so too. But hear me out.”

Or Eleanor might have said: “New ideas tend to sound stupid, but you’ll see in a minute why this one isn’t.”

“Instead of reacting to Alan with an attack, she chose to bypass that option,” Reardon points out. “Instead, she allowed that he may have a point but he’ll think differently when she finishes speaking.

“This is responding rather than reacting,” she says. “It gives the other person a chance to rethink whether he or she wants to argue. It’s a gift of sorts to be accepted or not – the other person’s choice point. Most people respond to such generosity in conversation with returned generosity.”

If you're anticipating conflict the next time you get together with certain people, you may want to think about things ahead of time and identify patterns you've experienced before, think about potential choice points, and consider alternative responses you may choose.

Try to come up with a few tactics for each scenario, and think about what would feel right for you.

Rather than getting caught up in the usual conflict and hurt feelings, try to imagine what tone you'd like the conversation to take, and see if you can lead the interaction in that direction with your own responses at pivotal choice points.

You may be surprised at how quickly things can change.

Learning better conflict resolution skills , knowing what to avoid in a conflict, and how to cool off when upset can also help immensely. And when all else fails, extra-strong listening skills have helped de-escalate many a conflict.

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Causes of Family Conflicts and How to Resolve Them

Try therapy tailored to your unique needs

In this article

Being part of a family can be pretty beneficial as it brings you love, security, and support. Family members who understand and appreciate you can help you overcome many challenges that life throws at you. But sometimes, there can also be conflict.

It’s common for family members to have disagreements. While conflicts are rather natural, healthy, and unavoidable, when they remain unresolved or escalate, they can become a significant cause of stress and problems in relationships.

Family conflicts can be particularly distressing because they are so deeply personal. You may feel tied to your family and unable to distance yourself or let go. Besides, when certain problems arise over and over again for many years, it can be easy to get stuck in familiar patterns of interaction.

If conflicts have become a problem in your family and you’re struggling to find ways to resolve them, this article will give you some tips that might help.

We also asked Tiffany Lovins , a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Calmerry , to share some insights into this subject. But before we tell you how to deal with family conflicts, let’s first take a quick look at some of the most common causes.

Causes of family conflict

“ Belonging to any part of a group or system naturally creates an environment that is rich with individual differences in wants, needs, beliefs, and values, ” explains Tiffany and goes on, “ Our own family system is no different in this regard and is often even more complicated due to the closeness of these relationships and the interdependence that exists in a family unit. ”

Tiffany also notes that the underlying causes of conflict may not be obvious: “ There are several primary causes of family conflict that are most often experienced, though they all hold an underlying theme regardless of the topic at hand. The top causes for conflict are often finances, child-rearing, and discipline, involvement of in-laws, sibling rivalry, or push for autonomy within the family unit.”

“Regardless of the cause, all contain an underlying theme of incongruency in expectations and communication that ultimately lead to conflict in these areas. ”

Lack of communication

One of the most common factors that trigger conflict in a family is a lack of open communication . Without effective communication, it becomes difficult for family members to make sure that their needs are met, and their boundaries are respected.

The lack of communication may also make a person feel like their needs and desires are not worth sharing. As a result, family members may get stuck in a vicious circle where previous communication problems create new ones .

Family duties

Family conflicts also often stem from responsibilities. Misunderstandings may arise from the way family members divide household chores and other responsibilities.

For instance, there might be arguments regarding who is supposed to take care of children or elderly family members . Although these are often small conflicts, they may last for a long time if left unresolved.

Disagreements related to financial issues can have a severely destructive impact on all kinds of relationships, including those between romantic partners and family members. Spouses and siblings often argue over money management. And the situation may get even more difficult if there are any inheritance issues in the family.

Differences in values

This is a very common cause of conflict between romantic partners and between parents and their children. People may hold different opinions regarding politics, morals, culture, etc. There is often a greater risk of this as children shift into developmental stages, where strengthening their independence and identity take center stage.

As a result, partners or family members may lose the sense of unity, and the whole family dynamics may shift in a negative direction.

Blended families

When two families start to live together, they enter a risky area because the more people are involved, the more likely things may go wrong.

Given that even people who’ve shared the same roof for years may have serious conflicts, it’s no surprise that the situation might get more complicated when introducing new people – each with their unique needs, views, and habits.

This can be further complicated if the children have multiple households where different expectations and rules are held.

Goals and expectations are out of sync

“ There are often unspoken rules, norms, and beliefs about everyone’s role in the family and resulting expectations attached to each role ,” explains Tiffany Lovins , “ When these expectations and needs of the individual are not openly communicated and aligned, it can result in each member reacting on assumptions and emotions, thus creating a breeding ground for conflict. ”

The counselor adds, “ Once this is put into motion, each individual tends to resort to their default communication style, which further alienates each person from the other. Some may become passive and shut down. Others may attack or respond aggressively. ”

Tiffany notes that this way, the mutual goals of the family can be lost in the process. And this increases the vulnerability of each to blame and attack rather than partnering together to address concerns.

“ Identifying and stating openly that the mutual goal is always to create a space of health and happiness for each individual and the family can be a great starting point for difficult conversations, ” comments Tiffany.

How to resolve family conflicts

No matter what caused a particular argument, it’s important to know how to prevent further escalation and minimize the probability of such conflicts happening in the future.

Here are the 10 tips for navigating family conflicts and improving your communication skills.

1. Accept what you can and cannot control

No matter how much you may want to, you cannot control the behavior of others. But you can control how you respond . Think of the conflicts you’ve had in the past, how you reacted, and what the outcomes were.

If the results don’t match your expectations, reflect on your approach and determine if it accurately reflects your intended need or request in a way that maintains your self-respect and the respect of the relationship. If not, try responding differently next time; hopefully, it will have a more positive effect.

Changing the way you respond makes you less predictable, making it harder for others to trigger or manipulate you into conflict. Suppose you have communicated as effectively as possible, and it is still not well received. In that case, this may indicate a need to redefine the boundaries and expectations in this relationship.

2. Let any anger subside

It’s better to let things calm down before trying to resolve a conflict so that you can have a rational and constructive conversation. When emotions are high, the functional part of our brains goes offline, and it truly makes it hard to have a reasonable discussion with effective solutions. Try talking in a calm tone and put any emotions aside.

If you try to resolve a conflict while people are angry and lashing out, such attempts may fail or even worsen the situation further. Remember, the goal here is not to win an argument but to find a healthy and mutually beneficial resolution.

3. Try to understand other family members’ perspectives

It’s important to give other family members a chance to express their views without being interrupted. And you should also request an opportunity to do the same

Listen actively: try to understand things from other peoples’ perspectives and then identify what you could do differently to help resolve the conflict. Listening to others and having empathy is a way to be fair and gain valuable insights. It’s not about submitting or caving to the demands of others.

4. Understand how it affects the whole family

It’s easy to get caught up in a conflict without realizing how much it’s affecting those around you. For example, when parents argue, children can often pick up on their stress and mood changes, even if they try to hide them.

However, when the family members involved in a conflict understand how it’s hurting the rest of the family, they’re more likely to be open to finding a resolution.

5. Use “I” instead of “you”

When you’re attempting to resolve a conflict, “you”-statements may sound like accusations, triggering a defensive response and making it harder to connect.

Use “I”-statements and talk about how you feel instead. You’ll be less likely to trigger other people’s defenses while highlighting your personal perspective, your emotions, and the critical issues you need to work through.

6. Recognize that some issues aren’t worth fighting over

Not every issue is worth fighting over. For example, if your partner or kids did something trivial that bothered you, such as not putting the bins out, consider whether such an issue would be worth getting into an argument about.

Remember, accidents can happen, people can forget, everyone makes mistakes, and not everything is done to hurt you intentionally.

However, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate toxic or abusive behavior . And you have the right to be concerned and speak up if you often moderate yourself because of the fear of other family members.

7. Try reaching out rather than withdrawing

If you see other family members as a threat, you may withdraw as a way to protect yourself. However, isolating yourself can prolong the issues between you and make it harder to resolve the conflict.

So, when you feel like withdrawing, try being the bigger person and reaching out instead. Taking a risk and making the first move often pays off, giving you and other family members a chance to resolve things and reconnect.

8. Work as a team

A healthy family is a solid unit, but families consist of multiple people . Even couples without children may run into conflicts of interest. And the situation may not get any easier if people have children or live with other relatives.

To ensure mutual understanding and support, it’s important to agree on common goals and everyone’s individual contribution.

“ Making an effort to have intentional conversations about expectations of each other and each person’s role in meeting these goals is critical, especially as each individual evolves (and so do their needs and capabilities), ” explains Tiffany Lovins.

9. Seek professional help and support if needed

For many people, family is a major part of their lives, and they consider it worth investing in to get it right. Seeking impartial guidance and the help of an expert can help you and your family work through any challenges effectively.

Whether it’s relationship therapy to help build a healthy romantic relationship or online counseling to improve your anger management skills, there’s professional support available for all types of issues.

Those stuck in toxic relationships can also benefit from emotional abuse help.

10. Minimize or end contact completely if nothing helps

While it often pays off to reach out rather than withdraw, some conflicts are simply unresolvable, and you’re better off minimizing or ending contact entirely.

This applies particularly to situations where abuse has occurred, and you expect it could continue in the future. Ending contact is usually the last option, but it’s worth considering if your or your loved one’s health and well-being are at risk.

If you’re a victim of abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline . If you’re in immediate danger, please call 911.

While family conflicts can cause considerable distress and anxiety , finding a healthy resolution is often possible. Remember to let things cool off first and try to consider other family members’ perspectives. Improving your conflict resolution skills is a worthwhile endeavor that could help you in many areas of your life.

If you need additional support, seeking the help of a professional is always a wise choice. Here at Calmerry , our online therapists are ready to work with you individually to resolve any emotional problems you have and improve your mental well-being.

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Essay on Resolving Conflicts

Students are often asked to write an essay on Resolving Conflicts in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Resolving Conflicts

Understanding conflicts.

Conflicts are disagreements or fights that happen when people have different ideas or feelings. They can happen between friends, family, or even countries. It’s important to know how to resolve conflicts to keep peace and harmony.

Listening Carefully

The first step in resolving conflicts is to listen carefully. Each person should explain their side of the story without being interrupted. By listening, we can understand the other person’s feelings and point of view.

Expressing Feelings

After listening, it’s important to express your feelings. Use “I” statements, like “I feel upset when…” instead of blaming the other person. This helps avoid more fights.

Finding a Solution

Finally, work together to find a solution. Think of different ways to solve the problem and choose the best one. It’s important to find a solution that is fair to everyone. This way, everyone feels happy at the end.

Practice Patience

Resolving conflicts takes time. Be patient and keep a cool head. Remember, it’s not about winning or losing, but about understanding each other and finding peace.

250 Words Essay on Resolving Conflicts

Conflicts or fights are a part of life. They happen when two or more people have different ideas or beliefs. It can occur at home, school, or even on the playground. It’s important to know how to solve these conflicts in a peaceful way.

Steps to Resolve Conflicts

The first step is to calm down. When we are angry, we often say things we don’t mean. So, take deep breaths and count to ten before you speak.

The second step is to understand the problem. What is the conflict about? Why is it happening? It’s important to know the answers to these questions.

The third step is to listen to each other. Each person should have a chance to speak without being interrupted. This helps everyone feel heard and respected.

Creating Solutions

Once everyone has had a chance to speak, it’s time to think of a solution. This should be something that works for everyone. It may take some time and patience, but it’s worth it in the end.

Learning from Conflicts

Conflicts can be hard, but they can also be a chance to learn and grow. They can teach us how to understand others better and how to solve problems in a peaceful way. So, the next time you find yourself in a conflict, remember these steps and try to resolve it in a peaceful way.

In conclusion, resolving conflicts is an important skill that everyone should learn. It helps us live in peace with others and makes our world a better place.

500 Words Essay on Resolving Conflicts

Understanding conflict.

Conflict is a part of life. It happens when people have different views or opinions about something. For instance, you might want to play football, but your friend wants to play basketball. That’s a conflict. It’s not bad or good; it just is. But, it’s important to know how to solve it.

Why is Conflict Resolution Important?

Think about the football and basketball situation. If you can’t solve the conflict, you might stop playing together. That’s not fun, right? So, learning how to solve conflicts helps us keep our relationships healthy. It also helps us feel better. When we solve conflicts, we feel like we’ve achieved something. We feel good about ourselves.

Now, let’s talk about how to solve conflicts. There are five steps to do this.

Step 1: Calm Down

First, you need to calm down. When we’re upset, we can’t think clearly. So, take deep breaths. If you need to, take a break and come back when you’re calm.

Step 2: Understand the Problem

Next, try to understand the problem. What’s the conflict about? Why are you upset? What does the other person want? Once you understand the problem, you can start thinking about how to solve it.

Step 3: Listen to Each Other

This step is very important. You need to listen to each other. Hear what the other person has to say. Try to understand their point of view. This shows respect and helps you understand the problem better.

Step 4: Find a Solution

Now, it’s time to find a solution. Think about different ways to solve the problem. Maybe you can play football today and basketball tomorrow. Or, maybe you can play a game that you both like. The solution should be fair to both of you.

Step 5: Agree on the Solution

Finally, you need to agree on the solution. This means that both of you are happy with it. If one person isn’t happy, then it’s not a good solution. So, keep talking until you find a solution that works for both of you.

Practice Makes Perfect

Resolving conflicts isn’t easy. It takes practice. But, the more you do it, the better you’ll get at it. And remember, it’s okay to ask for help. If you’re having a hard time solving a conflict, talk to a trusted adult. They can give you advice and help you find a solution.

In conclusion, conflict is a part of life. But, knowing how to solve it can make life a lot easier. So, remember these steps the next time you have a conflict. They can help you keep your relationships healthy and make you feel good about yourself.

That’s it! I hope the essay helped you.

If you’re looking for more, here are essays on other interesting topics:

Essay on Resilience Of Students During Pandemic
Essay on Respect For Cultural Diversity
Essay on Respect For Animals

Apart from these, you can look at all the essays by clicking here .

Happy studying!

Eight Situations That Commonly Cause Family Conflict

Writer Leo Tolstoy once observed that “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” This may be true in the sense that families are complex units made up of complex individuals, and the ways in which they relate to each other and the circumstances in which they find themselves are unique. One family’s issues may be completely distinct from another’s.

That said, however, there’s a set of broad patterns that tend to cause conflict across many families—whether biological or chosen. To compound the issue, many lack the tools to handle these challenges in a healthy way. Read on for eight of the most common sources of conflict in families, along with steps you can take to try and address or cope with them.

Signs of unhealthy family conflict: Common issues within the family unit

Every family will inevitably face conflict from time to time. However, those that go unresolved or that are dealt with in unhealthy ways can take a toll on members and their relationships with each other. They can lead to chronic stress levels (which can lead to health problems), mental health challenges, and even estrangement, which can make family life difficult.

Some signs of ongoing family conflict that’s not being handled in a healthy way can include:

Passive-aggressive behaviors

Sweeping issues ‘under the rug’

Frequent bickering and/or fighting

Disagreements frequently escalating to yelling/screaming

Frequent periods where some members aren’t speaking to others

A lack of trust between members

Codependent behavior

Abuse of any kind

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

8 common causes of family conflict

If you’ve recognized that your family is experiencing conflict, identifying the root cause can be the next step toward managing it. Although many people are already aware of what’s causing the core conflict within their family, it can be helpful to see some of the most common ones listed out—both to provide insight into how multiple issues can overlap and interact, and to take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in your experience of family problems. See below for some of the most common causes of family stress or discord.

Parental relationship problems

Parents who are constantly fighting—whether they're still together or separated or divorced—can cause tension for all members, especially children. One parent who is in an unhealthy relationship with someone can also be distressing for the other members to observe.

Financial concerns

Many families face serious challenges in meeting the basic needs of all members. Whether it’s because of systemic issues, job loss, inability to work, uncontrolled spending, gambling problems, or another reason, stress and conflict related to money and bills is common.

Health conditions

When one or more family members is experiencing a health challenge—from a chronic physical condition to a mental illness to a disability—it can affect the others. Stress and worry as well as providing care and paying medical bills can sometimes result in tension and other family issues.

Toxic behaviors between family members

Sometimes, stress or dysfunction in a family can be traced primarily to the toxic behaviors of one member. For example, someone who frequently engages in manipulation tactics, dishonesty, scapegoating, or similar behaviors can be extremely difficult or even dangerous to live with. These can be personality traits or signs of certain personality disorders .

Unaddressed trauma related to family issues

In most cases, trauma that has not been effectively and healthily recognized, processed, and healed will cause issues in a person’s life in some way. A family unit that experiences trauma together—such as war, a natural disaster, or the sudden death of a loved one—or vicariously through one member may experience conflict that arises as a result of this unaddressed pain. This can be especially true for various forms of intergenerational trauma.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Unhealthy expectations

Family members who feel pressure to conform to unhealthy and/or impossible standards may experience negative effects as a result. For example, a household where each child is expected to perform perfectly in school, never express negative emotions, or never bring up conflict can eventually cause them to disengage or lash out.

Too much or too little time together

Families that have to live in close quarters and spend most or all of their time together are liable to face conflict, as many learned during the COVID-19 lockdown . On the other hand, families that are so busy or live so far apart that they rarely get to spend quality time together could also end up experiencing conflict.

Poor or nonexistent communication

Healthy, honest, frequent communication is widely considered to be the foundation of healthy relationships of all types. Families without it are likely to experience recurrent conflict as issues that arise may not be properly addressed and members may not feel heard.

Addressing family conflict and promoting healthy relationships

After you’ve uncovered the root of the conflict your family is experiencing, the next recommended course of action is usually to engage in open communication about it with your family members. If you’re wondering how to resolve family conflict , setting aside a time when you can calmly and reasonably bring up the issue(s) without being aggressive or accusatory can be effective in some cases. Although you may not be able to solve all the issues with one conversation, it can represent a first step toward collaborating to create a happier, healthier family dynamic together over time.

However, sometimes it’s not feasible or not safe for one person to communicate something that’s been bothering them to others. Some family members may be resistant to even speaking openly about it, much less working toward solutions. Others may engage in extreme reactions that make it difficult to ever get to the root of the problem. In cases like these, therapy could be the next step to consider.

How family therapy can help

Families that are willing to engage in therapy can rely on a family therapist to guide the discussion and the handling of conflict. This type of healthcare professional can equip members with techniques to help with things like communication, problem-solving, and stress management that they can use in the present conflict and in the future. They can also identify and address any mental health challenges that could be affecting any member and, in turn, their family. If you’re interested in locating a family therapist in your area, you can find directories of licensed providers online or ask your physician, friends, or community members for a recommendation.

However, if some or all of your family is unwilling to attend family therapy, you may find it useful to attend individual sessions on your own. While this won’t change the behavior of your family members, it can offer you a safe, nonjudgmental space to express your feelings and get advice on healthy, constructive strategies to try when engaging with them.

If in-person therapy is inaccessible or unaffordable for you, you might consider an online therapy platform like BetterHelp instead where you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with from home or anywhere else you have an internet connection. Plus, session costs are less than the average in-person visit and comparable to most insurance co-pays. Research suggests that there is likely “no difference in effectiveness” between in-person therapy and online therapy, so you can typically feel confident in whichever format you may choose.

Family conflict can be challenging, frustrating, draining, and difficult to face on your own. If you’re looking for support in identifying or handling conflict within your own family, you might consider connecting with a therapist. A family therapist can work with your entire family to build communication and problem-solving skills, while an individual therapist can offer you in particular a safe space to express your emotions and get constructive advice—whether online or in person.

Improving Family Dynamics And Communication Medically reviewed by Dr. Jerry Crimmins , PsyD, LP
Family Therapy Methods: Exploring Family Counseling Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson , MA, LCSW
Relationships and Relations

All families deal with relationship difficulties, small or large, at various times throughout the family experience. Family problems come in all shapes and sizes, impacting family dynamics and shaping family relationships. The ways that family members cope with and solve issues provide a framework for family dynamics and set the tone for family life.

How to Solve Family Problems

Create an Environment of Sharing
Acknowledge the Problem
Get to the Deeper Issue
Focus on the Relationship – Let Go of Anger and Pride
Get Professional Help

Remember to Take Care of Yourself

Creating a family culture of openness and security, and taking the steps to resolve family issues, can improve relationships and maintain positive family dynamics.

Common Family Problems

Families face a variety of problems, both large and small. Family conflict and relationship problems can include arguments, miscommunication, and misunderstanding. They also can involve deeper issues such as substance abuse, financial instability, mental illness, grief, health problems, and divorce. Sometimes, these issues exist between only two family members, and other times they spread throughout the entire family, creating extended family issues . Some issues, like grief after the loss of a loved one, appear plainly on the surface, while others can be more subtle. Perhaps your child refuses to communicate with you, or your wife doesn’t seem to be a happily married woman .

Family issues often have underlying causes which are not always apparent.. And yet the impact of these root causes can spread throughout the family, creates conflict or emotional strain in several family relationships. Such conflict is especially impactful on a child’s life, creating emotional difficulties that are often carried from their childhood and adolescence into their adult lives and future family relationships.

Create an Environment of Sharing

Families are built on relationships, and relationships are strengthened through healthy communication. An environment of sharing creates the foundation for healthy communication. Family members need to feel safe to share their feelings and discuss their issues and emotions. As a family oriented parent , that means allowing your child to share their point of view without fear of judgment or punishment. Sometimes, a child just needs to feel certain that what they say will be taken seriously. A child who feels safe can talk about difficult or emotional subjects, such as mental health, self-identity, anxiety, or substance abuse. Children who feel safe and respected are much more likely to open up to a parent when struggling with a situation or trying to make a difficult decision. This is also true for other family relationships—not just between parent and child, but between siblings and within the marriage.

Ways to achieve an environment of sharing include:

Listen. Really listen to the other person before providing advice or counsel. Sometimes, it is better to first ask if advice is welcome. If the answer is no, let it go and follow up later.
Be willing to share your own feelings. Sometimes things seem obvious to us, but they may not be obvious to your child, spouse, or sibling. Sharing your own feelings without placing blame can bring up new points of view.
Speak for yourself and avoid blame. When sharing your perspective, present it as just that - your perspective and not the facts.
Recognize others’ experiences as valid. Telling others how they feel or should feel creates barriers and discourages sharing.
Be human. Admitting you are wrong, or that you made a mistake, can help others feel more comfortable to admit their own mistakes.
Model the behavior you want to see. We are all influenced by the people who surround us. Modeling healthy ways to express thoughts and emotions encourages others to do the same.
Do things together. Families that spend time together engaged in positive activities achieve a sense of closeness that encourages open communication and sharing. Explore shared interests, sports, or service ideas for families . Activities that involve serving others and getting outside are especially fulfilling and often instigate future conversations and closer relationships.

Sharing openly among family members sets the stage for solving family problems and preventing future issues from arising.

Acknowledge the Family Problem

Sometimes family problems stem from something simple like a lack of closeness. Other times the problems involve something much more serious, like abuse. Acknowledging that a problem exists is the first step in doing something to fix the situation. Ignoring issues and pretending everything is fine are common unhealthy coping mechanisms for family members experiencing relationship conflict or emotionally difficult situations.

Lack of acknowledgment can exacerbate issues, fuel negative situations, and culminate in negative or damaging behavior, such as lashing out in anger, aggressive argument, substance abuse, or family violence. Acknowledging a problem as early as possible allows positive action to be taken toward fixing the situation, and may prevent unhealthy coping mechanisms that lead to negative situations.

Sometimes we avoid discussing problems because our past efforts to do so only seemed to make things worse. As a result, we believe that avoiding is better than continuing to fight. In truth, avoiding instead of fighting just leads to other side effects in families. Feeling stuck is often a sign that involving a third party is needed, such as a good marriage and family therapist.

Get to the Deeper Family Issue

After acknowledging that a problem exists, steps can be taken to identify the source of the problem and improve the situation. Most family problems are merely symptoms on the surface of a deeper-rooted cause. Knowing the cause paves the way for greater empathy among family members and illuminates situations that require change. Here are some examples of family problems and their deeper issues:

Conflict between siblings – The majority of families will experience some sibling conflict between children at various times. But if that conflict extends beyond the occasional bickering to consistent emotional arguing or angry or hurtful behavior, then a deeper issue is likely the cause. That deeper issue could involve jealousy or feelings of inadequacy, where one child feels overshadowed by the other. One child could be putting pressure on the other to keep a secret from their parents (such as breaking a rule or lying). The cause could also be external, affecting one child who in turn uses their sibling as a dump truck for unloading their stress, frustration, or anger.

Alcohol abuse or other substance abuse – Family members who abuse alcohol or other substances are often using the activity as an escape mechanism. They could be escaping from a difficult emotional situation, such as grief over the loss of a loved one, financial instability, marriage conflict, or divorce. Or, they could be escaping from physical pain from illness or other health problems. Professional help from a therapist or support group can help to break down the deeper issues that lead people to substance abuse and start them on the road to recovery.

Stress and anxiety in children – These are common effects of a variety of deeper issues. Often, anxiety is triggered by an event or a difficult situation. The stress that stems from it leads to further anxiety, creating a cyclical pattern. The root of the anxiety could be a social issue at school or concern for a friend. It could relate to feeling overwhelmed in school or struggling with an undiagnosed learning disorder. Children often perceive more than they let on and could be reacting to a passing comment from a parent, such as “Our budget is tight this month.” Talking with your child and maintaining trust through open communication encourages children to reveal the source of their anxiety.

Sometimes, identifying the deeper issue and bringing it out in the open is all it takes to resolve a problem. Other times, merely identifying the root cause is just the beginning of the long road to resolution. This important and necessary step will help to develop a plan for resolving issues and encourage understanding within family relationships.

Focus on the Family Relationship – Let Go of Anger and Pride

Anger and pride are the enemies of healthy family relationships. They feed negative emotions, hamper empathy and understanding, and thwart positive and open communication. Holding on to these feelings blocks the path to conflict resolution. Anger and pride are divisive to family relationships and damaging to individual mental health. They are fuel for the cyclical patterns of stress, anxiety, and depression. Despite knowing this, however, letting go of such emotions can be difficult – and sometimes painful. The fear of pain, vulnerability, or failure are often what keeps a person from improving their family relationships and focusing on the importance of family .

One of the best ways to move beyond that fear is to focus on the relationship. Prioritize the goal—a healthier, happier relationship—over the fear of being hurt or the fear of failure. When family problems exist, a person has usually been hurt already, which makes the fear of being hurt again even greater. But while that risk of further hurt is real, the potential for healing and resolution is also real. Focusing on that potential, and letting go of those negative emotions, opens the door to healthier communication, relationship healing, and better mental health.

Get Professional Family Help

Getting professional help is one of the best ways to handle family problems. Some situations, such as those involving abuse, dangerous behavior, or domestic violence, require immediate professional help and formal family assessment . In other situations, such as ongoing disagreements over a certain topic or lack of closeness within a marriage, brief therapy help can provide the catalyst you need to get unstuck and achieve the fulfilling relationship that you each desire.

Many people hold back from seeking professional help because of fears or misunderstandings. Here are some facts about therapy that help to debunk some of these common myths and misconceptions:

Therapy is for everyone - A common misconception about therapy is that it is reserved for people with mental illness, individuals with an emotional disorder, or people who are too weak to handle their own problems. This could not be further from the truth. As humans, we need other humans to work through issues with us. Therapy provides a safe, confidential environment to do just that.

Professional help is available for all types of issues, whether large or small, and in a variety of formats. Family therapy, marriage counseling, support groups, and individual sessions with a therapist are just a few examples. There is also a variety of specialties, including psychology, psychiatry, religious counseling, and much more. At the end of the day, therapy is merely a safe space to work through your family problems with the support of a trained professional.

Therapy is worth your time - Another common misconception is that therapy is a waste of time or money. You could talk to anyone, so why talk to a therapist? Therapists have special expertise gained through extensive professional training. They will not only help you talk about your family issues but will help you to develop strategies for resolving difficult situations. A family therapist can also discuss various types of issues you may be dealing with, and different options for resolution or treatment, such as new scientific approaches to treating a specific issues.

Therapy is safe - One myth about therapy is that there are risks. The risk of being judged (by the therapist or by friends and family) or the risk of being medicated. On the contrary, therapy provides a safe and confidential space to explore all options for healing. Often, professional counseling is all that is needed or desired for family conflict resolution.

Professional help can provide growth and healing for a parent, child, or an entire family, improving family dynamics and emotional health. It can provide mediation and conflict resolution within a marriage, between siblings, or any type of family relationship. Think about the type of support (such as family therapy, religious counseling, or psychiatry) that feels right for your family and seek it out.

It is true that the quality of the professional you work with can make a big difference in the outcome of your therapy. For this reason, it’s often best to seek a referral from a trusted friend or family member. If that feels uncomfortable, consider asking for a referral from your family doctor. If you’ve had a negative experience in the past, consider giving it another try, this time with a trusted referral.

Taking care of yourself and maintaining your mental health is essential when attempting to solve family issues. Maintaining positive, healthy family dynamics starts with a healthy self. Being in a healthy mental space allows you to let go of negative emotions. This, in turn, paves the way for safe and open communication between family members and helps the entire family focus on relationships.

Not only does this place you in the right frame of mind to address family conflict, but it models a healthy example for your children to do the same. It is integral to maintaining a strong family structure that provides a sense of stability and security for children. For a parent, maintaining your mental health can provide you with the strength and perspective needed to maintain the necessary qualities of a good father and mother, such as understanding and empathy.

Taking care of yourself is often easier said than done, especially while feelings of stress, anxiety, or emotional dissatisfaction prevail. Finding a healthy outlet to decompress and let go of stress and other negative emotions can help to maintain a healthy state of mind. Choose a regular time in your schedule just for maintaining you. This could include a daily exercise routine, a therapeutic hobby (such as gardening or journaling), or a weekly therapy session. Taking care of yourself leaves you open to model healthy behavior for your children and to focus on family relationships.

Impact of Family Problems

When not addressed, family problems can have serious impacts on individual family members. Issues such as increased levels of stress and anxiety, emotional difficulties and disorders (such as depression), substance abuse, and addiction, are all likely to surface. Sometimes, these impacts carry on throughout a child’s life. Family problems can especially impact children, who are often capable of perceiving much more than one might think. Children may also perceive a problem, but not be able to fully understand it. Such misunderstandings can lead to greater issues, further affecting family dynamics and individual emotions. Where family issues exist, acknowledge the problem, and take the steps to resolution.

Solving Family Problems

Families experience a wide range of issues, some small and some large. These issues typically involve strain or conflict within family relationships. They can have lasting impacts on individual family members, especially children. Taking steps to address family issues, and seeking resolution among family relationships can ease emotions, promote mental health, and maintain a positive family culture. A family culture quiz by Kinmundo is an easy way for families to evaluate and improve the culture within their family.

A positive family culture requires a structure built on family values that maintains a safe environment for sharing. Open communication in an environment safe from fears of judgment provides a model of stability and security for family members to acknowledge and address important issues with understanding and empathy. Creating such a culture is paramount to solving family issues when they arise.

A family that feels open and safe to share emotions, acknowledge issues, and seek help when needed can maintain positive relationships and mental health. When family members are prepared to resolve family conflict, they can reduce the lasting impacts of difficult situations and fix relationships that may seem broken.

5 Ways to Become a More Family Oriented…

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Solving Common Family Problems: Five Essential Steps

Engaging children in the solution of problems..

Posted May 28, 2012

In every family, there will be problems. No matter how positive and empathic we have been, kids will still argue and misbehave, and ask for more than they can have. The demands of our daily lives—and of theirs—will inevitably create conflict and misunderstanding.

Often, there is a recurring problem. The problem may be getting ready for school in the morning or going to sleep at night. Or doing homework, or fighting with siblings. Children may be demanding or disrespectful, or refuse to cooperate when asked. Over time, these common problems of daily living begin to erode the quality of our relationships with our children - and our own pleasure in being parents.

So often, families get stuck. Despite our best intentions, children become stubborn and defensive—and so do we. In today’s post, I will outline five essential principles that we should keep in mind in attempting to solve any challenging problem of family life.

Step 1: Take a Step Back

The first step in solving any recurring problem in the life of a child is to take a step back. Problems of family life are best solved - and perhaps can only be solved—proactively. When we are reacting to our children’s behavior, we will often be reacting badly. Clinicians and parent advisors of all points of view agree on this point.

Children want to solve problems, and they want to do well. Like us, however, they may become frustrated and even feel hopeless that solutions are possible. And, like us, they may just not know what to do.

Look for causes, not just symptoms. You will solve problems more successfully when you have been able to identify the daily experiences in the life of your child that are sources of painful feelings. These may be frustration in learning, or frequent criticism, or bullying , or exclusion.

Then, listen to your child’s grievance. Let him tell you what he believes is unfair in his life. Tell him what is right about what he is saying before you tell him what is wrong. You can say, for example, “I know you feel that we are always on your case about your schoolwork, and maybe we are. But we’re worried and we need to solve this problem.”

Step 2: Place the Problem Before Your Child

Once you have identified a recurrent problematic situation and made some effort to understand its causes, the next step is to place the problem before your child. Say, for example, “We have a problem in the morning, when it’s time to get ready, and I often end up yelling at you,” or “I think we have a shower problem,” or “A lot of times, we have a problem when I tell you that it is time to turn off the television.”

Step 3: Elicit Your Child’s Ideas

It seems almost reflexive for many parents, when faced with a child’s defiance or lack of cooperation, to attempt to solve this problem by imposing a “consequence” for their child’s misbehavior. Although some problems may require this approach, I recommend that you first engage your child in an effort to solve the problem—to elicit her ideas.

In this way, you will often be able to engage her in a search for solutions. She will then be less absorbed in angry and defiant thoughts, less stuck in making demands or continuing the argument. She will begin to think, even if just for that moment, less about getting her way and instead about how to solve a problem, how her needs and the needs of others might be reconciled - an important life lesson, for sure.

Once you have placed the problem before your child and asked for her ideas, give her some time. You can say, for example, “Why don’t you think about it for a while? Let’s talk again later, or tomorrow, and see what your ideas are.” In doing this, you will be teaching yet another important lesson, because this is how most problems in life should be solved.

Step 4: Develop a Plan

In my experience, almost all children respond positively when I tell a family that “I have a plan” to solve a recurrent problem of family life. They may be skeptical, but they listen with interest. Deep down, they want a plan, as much as we do. (I will offer plans for solving specific family problems in future posts.)

Step 5: Express Appreciation and Praise for Increments of Effort and Success

Be sure to offer praise and appreciation for every increment of your child’s effort at compliance and self-control . Your acknowledgment of her effort and progress is a basic principle of successful problem solving.

Psychologists have learned from psychotherapy research that ongoing collaboration is an important element of successful therapy. This is also true in solving problems with our children. We should regularly, proactively, check in with children, and ask, for example, “How do you think we are doing with our morning problem?”

Ken Barish is the author of Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems .

Kenneth Barish, Ph.D. , is a clinical associate professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University.

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Conflict Communication in Family Relationships Essay

Types of relationships, nature of conflict, conflict goals, interdependence in family relationships, power perception.

Conflict is a part of normal human communication. Though many attempts and strategies are developed to avoid or resolve conflicts, it is hard for people to understand the nature of their conflicts and find an effective resolution in a required period. In this paper, a reflection on conflict communication in personal relationships will be developed to clarify which concepts have to be used by people who perform different goals to learn from ordinary conflict situations and avoid similar problems in their future.

A variety of relations that people are free to develop is impressive indeed. People may be involved in numerous business relations and follow definite rules and standards. There are also many unexpected outcomes of love relationships. Family relationships also play an important role in human lives. Despite the type of relations, there is always a threat of having a conflict situation. Not many people are ready to take the right steps and choose appropriate methods of conflict resolution.

The development of trustful and strong personal relationships is a goal millions of people strive for. Personal relationships make human lives fulfilled. Family relations turn out to be a frequent subject of psychological research. Conflicts or friction in families is a normal part of everyday life because parents may use irritable behavior or wrong communication style with their children, spouses may fail to deliver their messages in a proper way, and children cannot control their unwanted actions (Sears, Repetti, Reynolds, Robles, & Krull, 2016). People want to resolve all conflict situations as soon as possible or, vice versa, develop them to a certain extent. In such relations, a family of origin is a crucial concept for consideration because it defines the way of handling conflict.

In family relations, different conflicts may be developed. As a rule, a possibility of people to understand their goals, roles, and obligations determine a level of family relations’ development. One of the most dangerous and unpredictable types is unresolved conflict. It is characterized by a certain negative impact on all parties and the possibility to develop drifting in family relations (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). Unresolved conflict is a situation resulted from a quarrel, a talk, or an action that offenses or disturbs one party and remains to be unsolved at the moment. This concept has to be discussed in terms of family relationships and used for improving conflict communication.

When people are involved in one or even more unresolved conflicts, it is hard for them to communicate, share their intentions and interests, and achieve required positive results. For example, there is a situation when a child demonstrates his intentions to be involved in a particular activity but does not get permission from his parents. Without an ability to prove his interests and goals, he fails to prove his position. Parents underline the importance of respect and their power in these relationships. As a result, a child suffers from uncertainty, frustration, and poorly developed communication skills. The conflict remains to be unresolved. Certain problems are not solved. The development of personal contradictions and uncertainty is promoted. The child loses his desire to do something and to demonstrate his passion for something because of the existing power of his parents. In such type of personal relationships, parties face a number of challenges, including the necessity to understand conflict goals regarding its type, explain the essence of power in communication, and investigate the worth of interdependence in conflict.

Conflict communication is an important part of human relations because it is impossible to ignore the fact that people may have incompatible goals the accomplishment of which by one party interferes with the interests and actions of another party (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). People in conflict have to be ready to analyze their situations and problems to achieve the goals and come to a certain conclusion. As a rule, any conflict is characterized by TRIP goals which including the clarification of a topic, relationships, an identity, and a process. Such concept as TRIP goals helps people understand their conflict and investigate it from different perspectives.

For example, there is a situation in a family with a wife who wants all her family visiting her parents, a father who wants to go fishing, and two children who want to stay at home on weekends. A topic is the same for all family members – what to do on weekends. All family members perform their roles and have certain responsibilities. The relations in the family are characterized by equality, and identity conflict can hardly take place. It is necessary to pay attention to process goals of a conflict and provide each family member with an opportunity to speak and prove the chosen position. This conflict may be solved as soon as one of the parties succeeds in presenting enough facts to support the chosen position and disprove the importance of other positions.

The identification and analysis of TRIP goals are effective for working in teams where a number of opinions occur at the same time, and one specific solution should be made to avoid complications.

In the same situation, such concept as interdependence cannot be ignored. Wilmot and Hocker (2014) begin their discussion stating that a person should be fair and generous even in conflicts. Such attitudes can be explained by the existing interdependence. It is usually present in all conflicts because it is an integral part of human relations. Conflict parties are interdependent because if they are not, they do not have common interests to argue about.

It is necessary to respect and understand interdependence. As soon as it is used in conflict resolution, people demonstrate their high level of knowledge, professionalism, and readiness to cooperate. This concept improves conflict communication in a family because it reminds all members that they are connected, and this connection has its own prices. Interdependence may have positive and negative outcomes in a conflict. On the other hand, all parties have to stay together to find out a solution and make sure that all interests and goals are considered. On the other hand, such interdependence is a weakness that may deprive some family members of an opportunity to protect the chosen position. For example, children understand that they are dependent on their parents regarding their financial situations and have to follow what their parents want. A mother can underline the role of grandparents in a family and use interdependence as a type of responsibility. A father may explain entertainment on weekends as an argument to support his option.

Regarding such doubtful nature of interdependence in family conflicts and many factors that determine the quality of child-parent relations (Sears et al., 2016), it is necessary to admit that healthy approaches to solve conflicts while working in a team are rare, and much work has to be done to understand the nature of this conflict.

The last crucial concept in conflict communication in a family where each member pursues their own purposes is power. Wilmot and Hocker (2014) define power as a fundamental aspect of conflict theory because its perception influences the development of all types of relations between people. If one of the parties has power, it is usually impossible to agree on something. Power is a serious weapon in conflict resolution. If a person decides to use power, there is a threat that a conflict may stay unsolved even it is passed. For example, the father can use the fact that he is a head of a family, his work and obligations have to be appreciated, and he deserves the right for fishing. At the same time, he can say that it is his decision, and no one can disprove it. Any family member can hardly change such position. Father’s power plays a crucial role, and the outcomes of its usage cannot be predicted.

In general, the development of personal and professional relationships is not an easy task for many people. A number of rules have to be considered, certain goals should be met, and various outcomes may be achieved. It is not enough to have some theoretical knowledge and be confident in personal abilities to develop strong, free-from-conflict relationships. It is necessary to learn the goals of conflict and the role of such concepts as power, interdependence, and the type of relations in order to succeed in conflict management and prove that conflict communication is an important concept for future research.

Sears, M.S., Repetti, R.L., Reynolds, B.M., Robles, T.F., & Krull, J.L. (2016). Spillover in the home: The effects of family conflict on parents’ behavior. Journal of Marriage and Family, 78 (1), 127-141.

Wilmot, W., & Hocker, J. (2014). Interpersonal conflict. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

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Family conflicts: types and how to solve them

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Last Updated on February 7, 2023 by Mike Robinson

Family conflicts are very common and have unique traits like highly emotional interactions between those involved. On the other hand, most family relationships are able to withstand the effects of these disagreements. Sometimes the mending takes longer than others. This article will explain the different types of family conflicts and provide useful methods on how to best resolve them.

Conflict occurs when there is a perception or expression of disagreement between two or more parties. They can regularly surface in various aspects of our daily lives, and if they are handled correctly, they can become positive and usher in improvements and unique forms of communication.

Additionally, they cause a great deal of discomfort because individuals feel remorse for the damage the other person may experience in addition to their own pain.

In 1973, Death makes a classification of the conflicts according to the qualities of the same ones:

True conflicts are situations between individuals or groups that exist objectively. All parties involved understand and agree that the conflict is real.
Contingent conflict occurs in a situation with an easy solution. Unfortunately, the parties involved do not see that it can actually be easily solved. This type of conflict is very common in disputes among minors.
Displaced conflict: the opposing parties express their discomfort over an event or situation that is not really the reason for the discomfort. There is an underlying issue that is responsible for the conflict, but the individual creates a conflict about something unrelated to their real issue. This type of conflict is often seen in relationships.
Poorly attributed conflict: These conflicts do not involve the parties, but a third person or thing is responsible for this situation.
Latent conflict: one that should occur openly but does not. The conflict is perceived but not manifested, which prevents it from being solved.
False conflicts are those that occur without any factual evidence. They are the result of misunderstandings or false information between the parties involved.

Types of family conflict

There are various types of conflict in families depending on the family members’ relationships and their different personalities and beliefs.

1. Conflicts with couples

Couples will inevitably encounter conflicts or crisis situations because every person behaves, believes, and feels differently. Fortunately, if handled well, these conflicts will aid in the personal development of both individuals. It can also help strengthen their relationship.

Most of these types of family conflicts start with daily misunderstandings. Some of the things that cause these misunderstandings are:

Causes for conflicts between couples

Poor communication: We frequently express ourselves in ways that may not be the most appropriate, especially when we are angry. Afterward, we typically apologize to the other person. We also blame the other person by using general phrases like “always do the same” or “you never listen to me.” We claim that the other person always acts in a way that annoys us, even though this is typically untrue. Additionally, we frequently engage in inappropriate communication in this kind of conflict. Rather than resolving the issue, it exacerbates it and damages the relationship. In this aggressive approach, insults, threats, or a lack of respect are common.
When one or both members lose freedom because of the relationship.
Attempting to alter one another’s behavior, thoughts, or preferences: Couples where one partner insists on forcing the other to behave or think in a way that they think, is appropriate frequently result in family conflict. It’s important for couples to respect each other’s individual preferences.

2: Conflicts between parents and children

Depending on the crucial phases, this type of conflict can be subdivided into more focused ones.

Conflicts in childhood: This stage is primarily distinguished by the person’s progression toward individuality. It is about gaining independence and how you learn from what your parents or other influential people in your life do. Conflict typically arises during this process of a child becoming self-reliant because the parents are unsure of how to support this independence. Sometimes the child has inappropriate demands, or the child is moving in a direction that the parents do not agree with.
Conflicts in adolescence: Between the ages of 12 and 18, this stage is distinguished by the person’s rapid changes and by emotional instability. They also establish the fundamental moral standards and behavior patterns that will guide them in life. Additionally, teenagers’ goals frequently conflict with those of their parents. At this stage, relationships frequently experience more conflicts and problems, and generational differences become more apparent.
Conflicts with adult children: This type of conflict usually arises from the different ways of deciding, organizing, or living between two people who are already adults and impose their rights to think and act in the way that each considers more appropriate.

3: Conflicts between siblings

Sibling arguments are frequent and completely normal. They typically only last a short while, and they eventually find a solution on their own without the help of their parents. This is significant because it provides a valuable lesson in resolving interpersonal conflicts in adulthood without the involvement of a third party.

4: Conflicts with the Elderly

A person entering the “elderly” stage of life goes through a series of significant changes. These changes can be the cause of disputes in the family setting. Even though a person may be physically healthy, they start to slowly deteriorate in other areas as their body ages. For example, they move more slowly; they lose their vision or hearing; they develop memory loss and lose strength.

At the personal level, events such as retirement, the birth of grandchildren, and losing loved ones like a spouse or siblings can impact the individual’s psyche.

All these events can have a devastating impact if the person does not face them with the right attitude. Ultimately, these life changes can be the root cause of family conflicts that arise with the elderly.

7 tips for solving family conflicts

Understanding conflict as a chance to develop and develop new communication strategies is crucial.

It is best to be able to handle family issues on our own without needing outside assistance. This will teach individuals how to handle issues in other contexts and keep the relationship from deteriorating.

Some of the strategies that we can put in place to solve the problems are:

1: Active listening

Child development expert Gill Connell writes in A Moving Child Is a Learning Child that active listening increases empathy by conveying that you care about what is being said. How to engage in active listening:

Ask open-ended questions.
Reflect the emotions of others (show understanding for how they feel)
Clarify any unclear points.
Reap what you heard.

2: Be mindful of how you speak and present yourself.

As we learned in the section on couples’ conflicts, we often do not properly communicate our discomfort when we are upset. We should try expressing how we feel or what hurts us about the circumstance instead of leveling criticism at the other party.

It involves communicating our desires without hurting the other person. It will assist in solving the issue and prevent the relationship from worsening. It’s important to offer alternatives or solutions to the issue rather than just expressing what is bothering us.

3. Permit all parties involved to participate in the conversation.

It’s equally crucial that we communicate our discomfort just as the other person does. Family discussions frequently leave everyone mentally drained.

With this, we prioritize what we mean instead of listening to what others want to convey, but both are necessary.

4: Show affection

Even when we disagree with family members, we must tell them they are still people we love and value. It often happens that showing affection lowers the tension that family conflict causes.

5. Seek out partnerships.

While resolving family conflict, it is common to think about who may win or lose. But the proper course of action is to identify common ground and work to find a solution. Then consider actions that take into account the interests of all the members. This provides an opportunity to satisfy everyone involved.

6: Always look for positives to focus on.

When faced with family disagreements, we frequently focus only on the negative aspects of the situation. This includes the negative things the other person did or said or even coming to conclusions about what the other person was thinking. This puts us in a negative feedback loop that only worsens our feelings and hinders the agreement.

We can take advantage of the positive aspects of the conflict and see it as an opportunity to talk, to know the other’s point of view, and to get to know them better. This is more important than concentrating on the negative aspects. It is not a question of denying the conflict but rather of utilizing it to move forward and using the circumstances to strengthen relationships.

7: Choose the appropriate time and circumstance to bring up the issue.

It is frequently a good idea to postpone a conversation. This does not imply avoiding it or putting it out of our minds. Rather, it means looking for a time when the conflict won’t be as intense and when emotions and feelings will be under control.

We will be able to listen to each other more intently and express ourselves more effectively as a result. It might also be useful to look for a setting where the two people can converse comfortably.

Resources for resolving disputes

Different resources can be used to manage a conflict when it escalates and the parties involved require outside intervention to resolve it:

Family counseling: The objective is to support families in collaborating and resolving their differences. Additionally, they will learn techniques and abilities for problem-solving.
Conciliation: The method by which the parties present their claims in front of a third party who neither proposes nor decides to reach an agreement.
Mediation: It is a legal institution that acts as an unbiased mediator to help the parties communicate and reach a mutually agreeable resolution.
Arbitration: This is a process created to settle legal disputes between parties. It entails the appointment of a third party whose judgment is enforced due to the parties’ agreement.
Court hearings: This is a procedure created to respond to legal disputes through a binding decision made by government agencies.

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Solving Your Family Problem Through Discussion

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Introduction

Stand by until you're not furious to assess this issue.
Manage family issues face-to-face.
Acknowledge everybody's shortcomings, including your own.
Stay away from attempt at finger pointing.
Pardon any relatives that have transgressed against you.

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Causes of family conflict

Lack of communication

Family duties

Differences in values

Blended families

Goals and expectations are out of sync

How to resolve family conflicts

1. Accept what you can and cannot control

2. Let any anger subside

3. Try to understand other family members’ perspectives

4. Understand how it affects the whole family

5. Use “I” instead of “you”

6. Recognize that some issues aren’t worth fighting over

7. Try reaching out rather than withdrawing

8. Work as a team

9. Seek professional help and support if needed

10. Minimize or end contact completely if nothing helps

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