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The 50 Best Jokes For Your Best Man Speech

As the best man, you’re tasked with giving the toast—maybe the most famous one of the evening. For the big speech, it’s important to have some jokes scattered throughout. The couple gets to be sentimental. Her father gets to be sad and nostalgic. You need to bring the funny like it’s showtime at the Apollo. That’s no easy task, either. Luckily, there are dozens of jokes that have already been written that you can plug your buddy’s name into and carry on. We compiled some of our favorites for you here. Good luck!

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only kidding. We went over the speech 40 minutes ago in the hall.

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

We’ve reached the moment in the evening where we get to watch the groom figet and worry in anticipation. Yes, everyone, I’ve been asked by the staff to give him the bill.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologize for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple Jameson I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…

Before I begin my speech, there’s just one order of business I’ve been asked to take care of. *Hold up pair of trousers with padlock on them* These are Jack’s Chastity Pants. I know he’s given keys out to various ladies over the years, but since he is now a married man, he’d like to get those copies back, so Jill is the only one with access. *Wait for the keys you strategically handed out to wedding guests to be brought up*

My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets.

Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, kindly pass them up to the front.”

I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

Sally is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Harry swooped in before she could find one.

I think the main reason we’ve lasted as friends all these years is because you’re geographically convenient…and you had a trampoline.

Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because you forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee.

It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

So I’m the best man, although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

I can only say in my defense that Mike and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …”

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

I do have to say though how lucky you are Dave, you’re leaving with a beautiful wife whom you love. And you, Miranda, you get to go home with such a nice new dress and beautiful bouquet of flowers, it’s great.

Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.

Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife.

I spoke to both Sally and Paul before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee percolator!

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

Before proposing, Paul went to ask Linda’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Paul took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!

I recognize my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.

If you can’t hear me in the back, let the silence in the front assure you that you’re not really missing out on anything.

A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.

I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honor today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

I found the speech length really difficult to settle on. At one point, it ran to almost 70 minutes, so I cut it down to a five-minute speech but I just felt like too many important things were being left out. So I came to a compromise – I’m going to read the five-minute speech. Then straight afterwards, I’ll do 70-minute one and you guys can tell me which speech I should use.

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the top of his industry based solely on his intelligence, grit and willpower? A man whose charisma knows no bounds and who has already distinguished himself amongst his peers? Because I’m trying to write my Tinder profile and I’m having trouble summarizing myself.

When I sat down to write this speech I Googled “perfect best man speech”, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m gonna wing it.

I admit, I’m extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.”

I must admit, I’m not used to speaking in public. Until now I thought a toastmaster was a kitchen appliance.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honor but you don’t really want to do it!

I’ve been anxious about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes ago, I had to ask a complete stranger to burp me.

Dave was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted.”

Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.

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Your Inspiration

The Most Hilarious Best Mans Speech Jokes

Author: Hollie Bond

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Best Man Speech Opening Jokes

Jokes about the newlyweds, self-deprecating best man jokes, jokes to end the best man's speech.

Feeling the pressure to deliver a best man’s speech that will make every guest in the room laugh? Keep guests young and old entertained for the whole speech with these funny best man’s speech jokes.

It’s such an honour to be asked to be a best man and this VIP role comes with many fun and important tasks (if you’re not sure what they are check out our guide to being a brilliant best man here). One of the tasks many best men dread though is writing and delivering the best man speech on the wedding day. Unless you’re a natural public speaker or have spent time on stage, it can be a pretty daunting prospect, especially when you consider that the best man speech is traditionally known to be the funniest and most looked forward to of all the speeches.

The good news is, you’re not alone and thousands of other best men before you have sat and stared at a blank piece of paper for hours before finally getting the inspiration to write an awesome best man speech.

We’ve got a comprehensive guide on how to write a brilliant groom’s speech here to help you with the structure, format, and length. But, once you have the general gist and bare bones of the best man speech jotted down, it’s time to insert some funny jokes into each section, to keep all the guests chuckling with laughter from start to finish.

Remember you’re not expected to be a professional stand-up comedian, Michael McIntyre style, and a wedding is often an emotional day, so it’s absolutely fine to make jokes that are unique to the couple or situation and also to include a heartfelt sentiment or two in between all the gags. To help you on your way to going down in history as the best best man ever, we’ve rounded up some of the greatest tried-and-tested best man speech jokes and one-liners that’ll easily fit into most wedding speeches. Feel free to tailor them to fit the newlyweds you’re talking about. Good luck!

What shouldn’t the best man joke about?

When it comes to writing your best man speech, there are certain topics that are strictly off-limits. It’s important to spend time thinking about things that will come across badly or offend any guests and really consider every sentence carefully before it makes the final edit.

Mentioning the groom’s ex-girlfriends or a previous wife is a definite no-go, as is talking about the groom’s sex life in any way. So that means no mention of the impending wedding night too. Anecdotes about the groom can be best man speech gold, but you need to get to the punch line within a few sentences otherwise you’ll lose the audience and always make sure any anecdotes will amuse all types of guests.

The best man should always avoid joking about the bride too. Unless you’re really good mates with her and know her well enough to have a giggle with her, then it’s best to just say something heartfelt and lovely about her.

Jokes containing swear words should also be avoided. While the younger generation of guests might not flinch when you swear, older members of the audience could be extremely offended. Finally, it’s best to steer clear of making a joke about how long it took for the groom to propose if that was the case. Not only does it make the bride look like all she wanted was a ring on her finge, it also might be an area of contention between the couple so won’t come across as funny to them.

And remember, you’re not the next Al Murray or Michael McIntyre so you don’t need to pepper your speech with one-liners worthy of a stand-up routine. Only joke about things that are genuinely amusing and specific to the groom at the wedding you’re attending rather than anything too generic that you’ve found on the internet.

Starting the best man’s speech is the most difficult part. Once you’ve said a few words, shaken off those nerves, and realised the crowd isn’t full of people about to throw tomatoes at you, you’ll get into your stride, but those first few sentences can be pretty scary.

The trick is to get the audience on your side from the off with a short and easy-to-understand joke that sets the tone for the speech to follow. Here are some great opener ideas for best man speeches.

1) If there’s anybody here today who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [NAME OF THE GROOM].

2) Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.

3) Everyone here who knows Sophie will know that she is a wonderful and kind person, who deserves a good husband. Thank god Theo married her before she found one.

4) We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the Groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right, I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.

5) It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

6) I just heard there was a competitive sweepstake on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 45 minutes, so settle in…

7) My name is James and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but you’d do well to keep quiet – I know your secrets.

8) I’d like to congratulate the Groom on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right – I could hardly follow a word of it.

9) Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it, but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.

10) I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

11) I’ve been told I can’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast in this speech. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

12) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

13) You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with the Groom, he has at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.

14) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologise for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple vodka I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

15) Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

16) I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about Matt. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.

17) It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

18) Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about Arthur!

19) For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Sam and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Sam-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

20) Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?

21) Now, before I start, the venue manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

22) I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And, as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.

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Once you’ve opened the best man’s speech and given the guests an idea of the tone and also helped them relax, knowing that you’re not about to deliver a complete car crash of a speech, it’s time to get personal.

Remember, the best man’s speech is mostly intended as an ode to the groom and your friendship and to give the guests an idea of what the main man at the wedding is really like behind closed doors!

You can also include some jokes about the bride (or another groom at a same-sex wedding), although keep these minimal as the father of the bride will have spent a large part of his speech talking about his daughter. As well as these tried-and-tested quips, try to include a few jokes that are specific and personal to your friend, to ensure the groom and his guests feel like you do actually know and love him!

23) So where do I start about Ben? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry… Ben, I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.

24) The bride and groom have asked that I don’t talk about Mike’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me!

25) I do have to say though Rowan just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring. And Margot, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

26) Helen please put your left hand flat on the table. Paul please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Paul because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.

27) We all know the bride is a wonderful lady who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.

28) Well, I do hope that Meghan and Harry enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked Harry what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.

29) I’ve been instructed by the bride and groom to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.

30) Harry is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because I forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

30) Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

31) I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

If the groom is known to be a bit of a tech geek or a gamer…

32) Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff online. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until I told him the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

33) Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Jane, I expect you had a similar experience when David asked you to be his wife.

34) Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

35) When I saw Kate heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

36) Before proposing, William went to ask Kate’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing William took the hand that had spent 25 years fishing into his wallet.

37) I’ve been asked by many how I’m going to cope with my best friend being married and spending all of his time loved up at home. I’m thrilled! I’ll finally be able to talk to women without him cramping my style.

It’s a classic and winning tool in British humour – the self-deprecating joke, where you take the mick out of yourself in order to make the crowd both laugh and also get them on your side straight away. Here are some of the best ways to put yourself down in hilarious fashion.

38) I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Charles and Camilla’s wedding. Charles made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the barman over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

39) The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

40) I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out.

You’ll probably want to end the speech on more of a heartfelt note or with some sort of thanks and advice for the newlyweds, but there’s always time to get a couple of more jokes in at the groom’s expense beforehand…

41) Ryan was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

42) I’ve just got some last messages here to read out: one from Greg’s football team to Jacqui: “Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with Greg, we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.”

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Hollie Bond

Hollie is a lifestyle journalist with over ten years’ experience working in the wedding industry as Lifestyle Editor for You & Your Wedding magazine Also a Regional Editor for Muddy Stilettos, Hollie has written for Square Meal magazine, Family History Monthly, BBC History magazine and Homes & Antiques. In her spare time you can find Hollie in a dance studio practising ballet…

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20 Genuinely Funny Jokes For The Best Man Speech

Budget & Planning , wedding-speeches

No pressure, but the best man speech can really set the tone for the evening.

The best man – along with the other speech makers – is tasked with setting the mood for the night ahead, making sure to give the wedding guests a good laugh. He’ll need to strike the balance between funny and a little cheeky (remember the listening ears of older relatives!) and he may also like to throw in a little sentiment – it is a wedding after all.

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If you’re looking for a little bit of inspiration for your best man speech, then we’ve got in spades, from funny one liners to quips that’ll leave the guests in stitches.

Whether you’re a skilled public speaker, a natural comedian or a total novice, littering your best man’s speech with a few of these jokes will really pack a punch.

Opening jokes

The key to a killer best man speech is to kick it off with a great opening line!

“Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan.”

“It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers!”

“[GROOM’S NAME] was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming¦”

“Leading up to today [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use the wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.”

“Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

Jokes about the groom

A best man speech is an opportunity to give the groom a bit of a roasting!

“On their first date, [GROOM’S NAME] thought he’d make an impression, and promised a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!”

“I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So raise your glasses to the happy couple!”

“Just some last messages here to read out: one from the Groom’s football team to [BRIDE’S NAME] – ‘apologies we couldn’t all be here today, good luck with [GROOM’S NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.”

“As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”

“Twenty years ago, the Groom was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about.”

“[BRIDE’S NAME] please put your left hand flat on the table. [GROOM’S NAME] please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment [GROOM’S NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”

“You are both so lucky. [GROOM], you get to leave with this amazing woman. And [BRIDE], you get to leave with that beautiful dress and wedding bouquet.”

Jokes about the bride

Aim for a gentle ribbing when it comes to the bride – don’t take the jokes too far!

“Isn’t it funny how history has a habit of repeating itself? Twenty-nine years ago [BRIDE’S NAME]’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And tonight they’re doing exactly the same thing again!”

“When I saw [BRIDE’S NAME] heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

“Everyone who knows the bride knows she’s a wonderful person. She deserves the best husband out there. Thank god [GROOM’S NAME] married her before she found one.”

“Before proposing, [GROOM’S NAME] went to ask [BRIDE’S NAME]’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing he took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!”

Jokes about the best man

When it comes to the best man speech, guests will love a little self-deprecating humour

“A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.”

“I recognise my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.”

“Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. [BRIDE’S NAME], I expect you had a similar experience when [GROOM’S NAME] asked you to be his wife.”

“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”

What else goes into the perfect best man speech?

Okay, so you’ve the gags sussed. What else do you need to include in a best man speech?

– Thank the other speakers who have gone before you – Congratulate the newlyweds – Remember to say a few kind words about the bride – Don’t forget to compliment the bridesmaids – Read out messages from guests who couldn’t attend – Propose a toast!

Check out our guide here for even more advice on perfecting the best man speech.

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141 Best Man Speech Jokes

Ladies and gentlemen, family , friends, and honored guests, thank you all for gathering here today to celebrate the joyous union of [bride’s name] and [groom’s name]. As the best man, it is both an honor and a pleasure to stand before you and share some light-hearted moments to mark this special occasion.

Throughout the years, I have had the privilege of witnessing [groom’s name] grow into the man he is today. And today, we gather here not only to celebrate his marriage but also to indulge in some good-natured humor and share a few best man speech jokes. I must say, as I sifted through these jokes, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sheer wit and charm they hold. So, let’s have some laughs and celebrate this wonderful couple .

Top 141 Best Man Speech Jokes:

If there’s anyone feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, it’s probably because you just married [groom’s name].
Why does [groom’s name] carry a map in the car ? Because he always loses the arguments with [bride’s name].
[Groom’s name] is a great man. He’s smart, handsome, and talented. I’m sorry, I can’t read your handwriting, [groom’s name], what else am I supposed to say about you?
[Groom’s name], I hope your marriage is like a kitchen sink – full of dirty dishes, but running smoothly.
The key to a successful marriage is a strong sense of humor. After all, [bride’s name] did say “Yes” to [groom’s name].
Did you know that marriage is the leading cause of divorce? Don’t say I didn’t warn you, [groom’s name].
They say love is blind. But looking at [groom’s name], it’s clear that it’s also deaf, mute, and has no sense of smell.
Marriage is like a beautiful bird . If you hold it too tight, it chokes, if you hold it too loose, it flies away. [Groom’s name], I recommend a moderate grip… and maybe a cage.
[Groom’s name], do you know what’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? About 30 pounds!
Remember, [groom’s name], a successful marriage is falling in love many times, always with the same person. Not with the barmaid from the local pub.
[Groom’s name], a good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. You’re in luck, my friend.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you see [groom’s name] looking blank and silent in the corner during the party , don’t worry. He’s just practicing married life .
[Bride’s name], always remember that [groom’s name] is like a fine wine . He will get better with age. The only catch is, you have to keep him in the dark and feed him cheese .
I’ve been told the best speech makers follow three simple rules: Stand Up, Speak Up, then very quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice unless [groom’s name] has already paid me per minute.
[Groom’s name] always wanted to be treated like a king in his marriage. Well, be careful what you wish for – remember who did the beheading in the French Revolution.
People always say that opposites attract. In [groom’s name] and [bride’s name]’s case, he’s real and she’s patient.
[Bride’s name] has told me she’s looking forward to a lifetime of laughter. [Groom’s name], I wouldn’t start telling your jokes just yet.
[Groom’s name], they say marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. [Bride’s name], the countdown has begun.
I’ve been [groom’s name]’s best friend for many years. After all, somebody has to be.
When [groom’s name] asked me to be his best man, he made me swear to make my speech neither too smart for him to understand nor too dumb for everyone else to enjoy. I said, “I’m not a miracle worker, [groom’s name].”
[Groom’s name], always remember the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring , the wedding ring, and the suffering.
It’s said that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it’s love; after marriage, it’s self-defense. Good luck, [groom’s name].
Why do men get married? Because they can’t sleep with the light on.
Here’s a piece of advice for [groom’s name]: Never laugh at [bride’s name]’s choices. You’re one of them.
In marriage, they say you don’t marry the person you can live with. You marry the person you can’t live without. Or in [groom’s name]’s case, the person who can’t live without his cooking .
[Groom’s name], I’m surprised you got down on one knee to propose. I didn’t think you could kneel with your football injuries.
Here’s a secret, [groom’s name]. A happy marriage is about three things: memories of togetherness, forgiveness of mistakes, and a promise to never give up on each other. Also, remembering to take out the trash .
I was always told that the key to a happy marriage is a good sense of humor and selective hearing. I guess that’s why [groom’s name] still thinks he’s a good singer .
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to make a toast to [groom’s name] and [bride’s name]. To love, laughter, and a happily ever after. Plus, a few spare bedrooms for when they need alone time .
[Groom’s name] is a man of many talents, but remember, having a lot of candles on your cake is not a talent.
Do you know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is? Outlaws are wanted!
[Groom’s name] said he wanted more responsibility, so we got him a goldfish. When he didn’t kill it, we let him propose to [bride’s name].
Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
[Groom’s name], marriage is like a card game . In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond . By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
[Groom’s name], you’ve always wanted a place of your own. With marriage, you’ll have a space in the kitchen and a corner in the garage.
[Groom’s name], in marriage, the man is the head of the household , and the woman is the neck that turns the head. Good luck moving in any direction without [bride’s name]’s permission!
[Groom’s name], you’re like a brother to me. A brother who owes me 20 bucks.
Marriage is all about compromise. For example, if [groom’s name] wants to watch football, [bride’s name] is okay with that while she shops online on his credit card .
I’ve always told [groom’s name] that marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. He didn’t listen, and here we are.
In the words of the great Rodney Dangerfield, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
[Groom’s name] and [bride’s name], remember the key to a happy marriage: have a quick mind and a slow mouth .
[Groom’s name], I hear the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
They say marriages are made in heaven . But so is thunder and lightning.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to come out.
[Groom’s name], do you know the most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.
When [groom’s name] told me he was getting married, I said, “On purpose?”
[Groom’s name] and [bride’s name] go together like a horse and carriage. But remember, [groom’s name], even a horse gets a day off.
[Groom’s name], you may be married, but you don’t have to grow up! You’ll always be a kid at heart…and in your jokes.
Remember, [groom’s name], a man is incomplete until he’s married. After that, he’s finished.
[Groom’s name], I’ve always known you to be a smart man. After all, you knew better than to say no to [bride’s name]!
Why do husbands die before their wives? Because they want to.
When [groom’s name] asked me for marriage advice, I told him to always remember to say these three words: “I was wrong.”
Remember, [groom’s name], you don’t marry someone you can live with — you marry the person who you cannot live without. I guess your PlayStation wasn’t ready to settle down.
They say that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, which means [bride’s name] will be doing the cooking, and [groom’s name] will be eating the cooking.
I’ve known [groom’s name] for a long time, and he’s always been a little bit scared of spiders . Fortunately, [bride’s name] has proven she’s not afraid to tackle the big issues… like spiders in the bathroom.
To my best friend [groom’s name], they say you don’t really know a woman until you’ve met her in court.
Remember, [groom’s name], love is all about chemistry . And hopefully, [bride’s name] will continue to overlook your lack of it in the kitchen.
They say marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
Did you know that [groom’s name] once told me that [bride’s name] is his angel ? She must be – she’s been constantly hovering over him since they met.
In the spirit of marriage, [groom’s name] has promised to split everything 50/50 with [bride’s name]. She gets the house; he gets the shed.
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been emotional… a bit like watching [groom’s name] trying to tie his own bow tie.
The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret, but if [bride’s name] can put up with [groom’s name]’s snoring , they’re halfway there.
[Groom’s name], remember, the only one of your fantasies that [bride’s name] can fulfill is taking out the trash.
[Groom’s name], you’ve always said you wanted to be treated like a king. Well, welcome to the reign of Queen [bride’s name].
Here’s some advice for you, [groom’s name]: If you ever want to win an argument with [bride’s name], just remember to be at her level… and agree with her.
[Groom’s name], your life won’t change much after marriage. The TV remote might just not be where you left it.
[Groom’s name], always remember: ‘Yes, dear’ are the two most important words in a marriage.
[Groom’s name], you were always the Batman to my Robin, the Sherlock to my Watson. But now, you’ll be the Fred to [bride’s name]’s Wilma.
[Groom’s name], a word of advice: Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
[Groom’s name], now that you’re married, you can finally understand the true meaning of blissful ignorance.
[Groom’s name], you always had a way with words. Now you’ll always have to watch your words.
In marriage, two become one. So, [groom’s name], say goodbye to your decision-making skills.
In [groom’s name]’s case, getting married doesn’t mean getting a boss. It means getting a boss who loves you.
[Groom’s name], if you want peace in your marriage, always remember this: If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
[Groom’s name], remember that you’re not losing a bachelor pad. You’re gaining a fully decorated home.
[Groom’s name], I must say you look stunning today… or was that [bride’s name]? I always get you two confused .
I knew [groom’s name] was ready to get married when he stopped swiping left or right and started swiping his credit card for the wedding preparations.
When [groom’s name] proposed to [bride’s name], she asked him if he’s sure. He said he’s never been more frightened in his life.
Marriage is a lot like a poker game. At first , you have two hearts and a diamond. But later, you want a club and a spade.
[Groom’s name], if you think it’s cool to stay out until 2 am now, wait until you’re taking the baby out at 2 am. You’ll be the coolest.
[Groom’s name], you’re the most generous person I know. You’re always giving… especially advice that nobody asked for.
Do you know why [groom’s name] decided to get married? Because it’s not worth the hassle to argue about it.
I’ve known [groom’s name] for years, and he’s always been there for me. Like that time I moved. He was right there, in my way.
[Groom’s name], I hope you’re better at marriage than you are at picking your fantasy football team.
They say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. [Groom’s name], meet your cake.
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it… once.
Marriage is like a hot bath . Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
[Groom’s name] has always been a smart man. He knew better than to die a bachelor.
[Groom’s name], I must say, you’re a lucky man. [Bride’s name] still married you even after she met me.
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a moment of silence for [groom’s name]’s single life. May it rest in peace .
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
[Groom’s name], may all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom.
[Groom’s name], you’re like a brother to me. A brother who owes me 50 bucks.
[Groom’s name], I’ve known you for a long time, and if there’s one piece of advice I can give you, it’s this: Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click ‘I agree.’
Remember, [groom’s name], marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
[Groom’s name], remember, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing…except at a funeral.
[Groom’s name], don’t think of it as losing your freedom. Think of it as upgrading to a better model.
They say love is blind. Marriage is like having a magnifying glass .
[Groom’s name], you used to be indecisive, but now, you’re not so sure.
[Groom’s name], remember, all men are idiots, and you married their queen.
If [groom’s name] says he’s the king of his castle, ask him why he’s sitting outside with a dog .
[Groom’s name], when you get into a heated argument with [bride’s name], just remember – even if you win, you lose.
[Groom’s name], they say marriage lets you annoy one person for the rest of your life. You’re welcome, [bride’s name].
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
[Groom’s name], you’ll never be alone in marriage… and I’m not talking about [bride’s name]. I mean her five cats .
[Groom’s name], you always wanted a fan club. Now, you have one member.
[Groom’s name], you always said you wanted an assistant. Well, you got one, but you may have misread the job description.
[Groom’s name], may your life be filled with laughter, your love story be an inspiration , and your browser history be deleted.
[Groom’s name], remember, a happy wife is a happy life. An unhappy wife, however, results in a very, very quiet house.
[Groom’s name], marriage is grand — and divorce is about 10 grand.
[Groom’s name], remember to always treat [bride’s name] with respect. She knows more about you than your life insurance company.
They say love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
[Groom’s name], I have to say, you’ve finally found the one… person to put up with your snoring.
[Groom’s name], now that you’re married, you can’t think of yourself. You have to think of [bride’s name]… thinking about you.
[Groom’s name], marriage is like a fine wine; if left uncorked, it gets better. But if you forget about it for too long, it starts to taste like vinegar.
Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with; it’s about finding the person you can’t live without. Which, for [groom’s name], would be his Xbox.
[Groom’s name], do you know why the bride always wears white? Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
[Groom’s name], remember: in the world of marriage, the road to true love is never a highway. It’s more like a roundabout with lots of exits.
A good marriage is like a good wine. It gets better with age. An average marriage is like milk . It goes sour with time. And a bad marriage is like fish . It stinks right away.
[Groom’s name], here’s my marriage advice: The key to a long-lasting marriage is a short memory .
[Groom’s name], in your marriage, always remember the two most important words: ‘Yes, dear.’
I know [groom’s name] is going to be a great husband because he’s been practicing… with his mom .
[Groom’s name], remember, you can be right, or you can be happy.
[Groom’s name], remember, a man in love is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
[Groom’s name], you’re about to learn the three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night : first the ring, and then you wake up .
They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
[Groom’s name], remember, love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
[Groom’s name], they say the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. But if you leave the toilet seat down, you’re halfway there.
[Groom’s name], I think marriage is the best teacher . You get to learn things like how to convert “Yes, I’d love to watch the game” into “Sure, I’ll hang the laundry .”
[Groom’s name], your marriage will be like a workshop. You work , and [bride’s name] shops.
[Groom’s name], always remember, if you’re wrong, admit it, if you’re right, keep quiet. That’s the key to a happy marriage.
[Groom’s name], you’ve always been a trendsetter. You’re starting married life when most people are trying to escape it.
[Groom’s name], do you know what’s the difference between marriage and a tornado? Nothing. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end, you lose your house.
[Groom’s name], marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
[Groom’s name], always remember that a happy marriage is about three things: memories of togetherness, forgiveness of mistakes, and a promise to never give up on each other. And a lot of shopping.
[Groom’s name], you’ve always been a fast learner. Just not when it comes to loading the dishwasher.
[Groom’s name], I must say you look stunning today… or was that [bride’s name]? I always get you two confused.
[Groom’s name], you always wanted to be the king of the house. Congratulations, you’re now the king of the dollhouse.

In closing , I want to raise a toast to [bride’s name] and [groom’s name]. May your journey together be filled with endless love, laughter, and cherished memories. Remember, marriage is a beautiful partnership that thrives on love, patience, and the ability to see the humor in life’s ups and downs.

As we look forward to the adventures that lie ahead, let us always treasure the light-hearted moments that bring joy to our hearts. Today, we have shared some laughter, and I hope these best man speech jokes have added a special touch to this celebration . Let us carry this joy in our hearts as we support and cheer on [bride’s name] and [groom’s name] in their life together.

Here’s to the happy couple, may they continue to brighten each other’s lives and find humor in every step of their journey. Cheers!

35 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

Contrary to popular belief, best man speech jokes don't all have to be cringe-worthy! Here's 35 jokes that are guaranteed to go down a treat

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Love them or loathe them, jokes are at the heart of any good best man’s speech or best woman's speech . Since no-one’s expecting you to develop the stand-up skills of Peter Kay overnight, it’s okay to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes .

Whether you’re giving the groom or grooms a full roasting or you just want some good one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up our favourite 35 funny jokes for a best man speech.

If you need some inspiration, this combination of classic and funny best man jokes are the place to start and they're super easy to mix up for a same-sex couple. More over, we spoke to Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy , who have us her top tips on writing a best man's speech with jokes that will have everyone laughing.

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35 of the Funniest Best Man Jokes for Speech

1. It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

2. If there’s anybody here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [NAME].

3. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the [NAME] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks’ bill.

4. All those amongst you who know [PARTNER] well will know that she/he is a wonderful and caring person. S/he deserves a good husband. Thank God [NAME] married her/him before s/he found one.

5. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team to [PARTNER] – Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.

6. I’d also like to congratulate [NAME] on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

7. [PARTNER] please put your left hand flat on the table. [NAME] please place your hand on top of theirs. Enjoy this moment [NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.

8. I do have to say though [name] just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a [WIFE/HUSBAND] who is warm, loving and caring. And [PARTNER], how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely outfit and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

9. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.

10. I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course you are expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out.

11. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

12. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with [NAME], they have at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.

13. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

14. We all know the [PARTNER] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.

15. As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

16. Well, I do hope that [PARTNER] and [NAME] enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked [NAME] what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.

17. Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

18. Good evening, family and friends. I’m very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [PARTNER] didn’t plan.

19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about [NAME]. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.

20. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about [NAME]!

21. The couple have asked that I don’t talk about [NAME]'s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-partners. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me!

22. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is [BEST MAN] and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘[BEST MAN]-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

23. So where do I start with [NAME]? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry…[NAME] I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.

24. I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

25. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?

26. I’m going to keep this speech like [NAME] – short and not very funny.

27. I can only say in my defence that [NAME] and I share the same sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny, please feel free to blame [NAME].

28. Hi everyone, I’m [BEST MAN], I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

29. I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.

30. I’m here to give a speech about [NAME] – but what can I say about him that hasn’t already been a topic on Jeremy Kyle?

31. I heard there was a sweepstake on the length of the best man’s speech. I just went for 40 minutes – so settle in.

32. Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

33. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.

34. They say if you're nervous about giving a speech you should imagine the audience naked. [Look around, look horrified] God, now I feel worse!

35. When it came to writing this speech, I Googled 'best man speech examples' and found some great stuff! So, let me tell you about [WRONG NAME]...

Are you starting writing your best man’s speech ? Once you’ve nailed the best man speech jokes, we’ve got all the advice you need on how to structure your best man’s speech and great toasts to end it with .

How to Write a Best Man's Speech with Jokes?

Incorporating a few jokes into your best man's speech can be a great tool for loosening up the crowd - Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy , revealed one of the easiest ways to master this is by using comedy based on observation.

"It’s just noticing the strange things in life that we take for granted. Everyone in this world is weird in their very own way, so start checking out the groom. Question his behaviour, habits and the unwritten rules of your friendship. Look at the everyday frustrations and recurring issues. To make observational humour work, the trick is to be as specific as possible. Even positive qualities can be humorous if you dissect them," explains Heidi.

Another easy tool when it comes to weaving in best man speech jokes is by using exaggeration: "I exaggerate 300% of my life. Just think of a quirk that the groom is known for and imagine it in its most extreme form."

Worried about offending the groom? Heidi suggests that "self-deprecation is also a brilliant tool to utilise. Arguably, the strongest form of comedy and certainly, the safest. No one will be offended if you’re offending yourself."

Can You Joke About the Bride in a Best Man's Speech?

Joking about the groom's partner, whether it's a bride or groom, in the best man's speech is something you should carefully consider as it depends on how well you know them and your relationship.

"You need to judge this carefully but if you could affectionately tease them down the pub, then I’d hope you could do it within your speech. Obviously nothing crude or genuinely rude and nothing that could be taken the wrong way or worry the grannies," explains Heidi.

"Some people may suggest you play it safe and stick to the gushing compliments - but having been a bride myself, I loved that the best man at our wedding felt comfortable enough to acknowledge some of my more questionable habits. It cemented the fact that he was my friend as well as my husband's" she reveals.

This rule of thumb applies for any type of best man speech, whether that be for a bride and groom or two grooms. If you're unsure on what to do or aren't certain they'll be a good sport, Heidi suggests keeping the jokes focused on whoever you are closest to.

7 Top Tips for Giving a Best Man’s Speech

If you are planning a best man’s speech then don’t miss our top tips:

Avoid in-jokes that most guests won’t understand!
Keep it clean – you don’t want to be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best friend’s grandma…
Pause for laughter - and if it doesn't come, you can tell people they were supposed to laugh there
Add a personal twist – see if any of these jokes can be amended to suit something that relates to the couple
Make notes - you might think you'll remember it off by heart, but it's handy to have notes to refer back to
Project your voice - don't shout, but aim to be heard at the back of the room
End with a toast - it's the best way to wrap it up

Planning on being the best best man ever? Here's how to plan the perfect stag do !

30 Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches

Handy one-liners to make the guests lol.

If you've read our post on how to make a great best man speech , you'll know that we recommend starting with a joke, and here, we're sharing 30 foolproof examples! The beauty of this list is that it works for any wedding speech, whether you're a groom, bride, best man, bridesmaid, groomsman, bridesman, groomsmaid, father of the bride, father of the groom, mother of the bride, mother of the groom, granny or grandad, or just a close pal with a knack for public speaking! Boasting everything from eye roll-worthy classics to offbeat gags, our round-up of funny opening lines for wedding speeches is sure to have something to suit your personal style, and many of them can be customised to pack an even bigger punch on the day. Kick off with one of these gems, and you'll not only put the audience at ease, you'll set yourself up for a terrific wedding speech!

25 Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches

Note: [Name] can indicate yourself, the bride/groom, the couple as a whole, or another member of the bridal party!

1. “Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers!”

2. “Hi everyone! I’m [Name] and it’s time for me to give the speech I frantically scribbled down 15 minutes ago!”

3. "The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!"

4. "[Name], I love you so much, and I really hope you'll feel the same about me after you hear my speech."

5. "I just want to start by congratulating [previous speaker's Name] on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it."

6. "The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again."

Bride gives speech Olga Hogan Photography: Hannah & Eoghan

7. "Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history - it's the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!"

8. "[Name] and I share the same sense of humour, so if you don't like my jokes, you can blame them!"

9. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/photo booth/[Name] wearing a tie ."

10. "Where do I start with [Name]? They're kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming... [directed at them] sorry, I'm having trouble reading your writing, you'll have to tell me the rest later."

11. "I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech."

12. "Loyal. Kind. Honest. Generous... That's enough about me, I'm here to talk about [Name]!"

13. "I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa."

14. "A few months ago, [Name] called me up and asked, 'What are your feelings on marriage?' I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet."

15. "Can everyone hear me OK? If you can't hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything."

16. "Hello everyone! I'm [Name]. I'm sure you all know me as (Name's best friend/sister/mum/dad), but if you don't, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!"

17. "Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, [Name] asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I'll whip it out immediately."

18. "[Name] knows that I'm a bit nervous about this speech, and they gave me some great advice. They said 'Don't try to be too charming, witty or intellectual... just be yourself!'"

19. "All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!"

20. "I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen."

21. "I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent."

22. "I'd like to start by congratulating [Name] on their excellent taste... in speakers."

23. "Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backward, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on, because this is going terribly!"

wedding speech opening lines funny opening lines sincere opening lines (9)

24. "I'm so happy to be overseeing the only five minutes of today that [bride or groom's Name] didn't plan. Only joking, they went over my speech with me at the bar half an hour ago. [Pulls extra page out of pocket] But I did manage to hide one page!"

25. Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don't stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation."

26 . I sincerely hope that each day of [Insert names] marriage is better than the the one before, the only thing is that also means they'll look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.

27. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. You'll be glad to hear, that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours, bawling my eyes out.

28. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom/bride drink alone, could I?

29. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team for [PARTNER] " Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him/her to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight ."

30. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 250 chickens, and the many, many carnations, roses and wedding coordinators who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

Found your opening line for your wedding speech? We also have a handy checklist of people you need to remember to thank !

Image credits

Marc lawson photography, via one fab day, see more in:.