essay about broken family

Essay on Broken Family

Students are often asked to write an essay on Broken Family in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Broken Family

What is a broken family.

A broken family is where the parents do not live together anymore. This can happen because of divorce, separation, or one parent passing away. Children from these families might live with one parent or move between both homes.

Feelings in a Broken Family

Kids from broken families often feel sad, angry, or confused. They might blame themselves for their parents not being together. It’s important for them to know it’s not their fault and to talk about their feelings.

Life Changes

After a family breaks, life changes a lot. Kids may change homes, schools, or lose contact with some relatives. It can be tough, but many adjust well with time and support.

Staying Strong

Even if a family is broken, love and care can keep it strong. Parents, relatives, and friends can help kids feel secure and happy. Remember, not living together doesn’t mean the love is gone.

250 Words Essay on Broken Family

Understanding a broken family.

A broken family refers to a family where the parents are separated or do not live together anymore. This can happen for many reasons like arguments, financial problems, or other personal issues. When parents split up, it can be a tough time for everyone, especially the children.

Effects on Children

Children from broken families might feel sad, angry, or confused. They might blame themselves for their parents’ separation. It is hard for them because they love both parents and might not understand why they can’t live together. Sometimes, they have to move to a new home or change schools, which can be scary and upsetting.

Life in a Broken Family

Living in a broken family can be different for every child. Some might live with one parent and visit the other, or they might live with both parents at different times. It is important that the parents talk to their children and explain what is happening in a way they can understand. This can help children feel a little better about the changes.

Finding Support

Friends, family, teachers, and counselors can provide support to children going through this tough time. Talking about feelings can help children cope with the changes. Support groups and activities with other kids who have similar experiences can also be helpful.

A broken family is a big change for children. It is filled with many emotions and adjustments. But with the right support and understanding, children can learn to handle these changes and still have a happy life. Parents play a big role in making sure their kids feel loved and secure no matter what the family situation is.

500 Words Essay on Broken Family

A broken family happens when the parents of a household decide not to live together anymore. This can be because they choose to get a divorce, which is a legal way to end a marriage, or just separate from each other. Sometimes, it can also mean that one parent has passed away. This is a tough situation for everyone in the family, especially the children.

When a family breaks apart, it can cause a lot of different feelings. Children might feel sad because they miss having both parents around. They might also feel angry or confused about why their family can’t be like it used to be. It’s normal to have all these feelings, and it’s important for kids to talk about them with someone they trust, like a family member, a teacher, or a friend.

Changes in Daily Life

Life changes a lot when a family breaks. Children might have to move to a new home, change schools, or adjust to a new routine. They might spend one week with one parent and the next week with the other. This can be hard because it feels like there is no steady routine, and it might be tough to keep up with friends and schoolwork.

Getting Support

It’s really important for children from broken families to get support. This can come from talking to a counselor, who is a person trained to help people with their feelings. Schools often have counselors that kids can talk to. Joining groups with other children who are going through the same thing can also help because it shows that they are not alone.

Looking at the Bright Side

Even though it’s a hard situation, there can be good things that come from a broken family. Sometimes, when parents are not fighting all the time, the home can be a calmer place. Children can also learn how to deal with tough situations and become stronger people because of it.

Staying Positive

It’s important for children to remember that even though their family has changed, they are still loved. Both parents can still be a big part of their lives, even if they don’t live together. Kids can still have fun, make friends, and do well in school. It’s not easy, but with time, things can get better.

A broken family is a hard thing to go through, but it doesn’t mean that life can’t be good again. There will be a lot of changes, and it’s okay to have many different feelings about it. Getting help and talking about what’s happening can make a big difference. Remembering that there is still love and good times ahead is important. Life keeps moving forward, and children from broken families can grow up to be happy and successful.

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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Love — My Experience Growing Up from Broken Family

My Experience Growing Up from Broken Family

• Categories: Love

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Words: 1295 |

Published: Jun 5, 2019

Words: 1295 | Pages: 3 | 7 min read

Works Cited

• Ahmadi, S., & Sadeghi, H. (2015). The relationship between family function and mental health in female students of high schools in Tehran. Iranian Journal of Psychiatric Nursing, 2(2), 1-6.
• Bernstein, D. P., & Fink, L. (1998). Childhood Trauma Questionnaire: A retrospective self-report manual. The Psychological Corporation.
• Brazelton, T. B. (1992). Touchpoints: Your child's emotional and behavioral development. Addison-Wesley Publishing Company.
• Chauhan, P., Gupta, R., & Parmar, R. (2018). A study on parent-child relationship and mental health of adolescents. International Journal of Indian Psychology, 6(3), 124-131.
• Gardner, T. W., & Ward, S. (2016). Life span developmental psychology: Introduction to research methods. Routledge.
• Goodman, R. (2001). Psychometric properties of the strengths and difficulties questionnaire. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 40(11), 1337-1345.
• Hough, M. (2017). Marriage, divorce, remarriage. Open University Press.
• King, D. (2009). The impact of family breakdown on children's well-being: Evidence review. The Scottish Government.
• Lopez, F. G., Castro, N., & Rincón, P. (2013). Mexican-American men's and women's preferences for and attitudes toward counseling. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60(2), 227-235.
• Santrock, J. W. (2017). Life-span development. McGraw-Hill Education.

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Home Essay Samples Life Divorce

Cause and Effect of Broken Family: Exploring the Impact on Individuals and Society

Table of contents, causes of broken families, effects on individuals, consequences for society, addressing the impact, conclusion: fostering resilience and support.

• Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269-1287.
• McLanahan, S., & Sandefur, G. (1994). Growing up with a single parent: What hurts, what helps. Harvard University Press.
• Heath, A. F., & Killewald, A. (2013). The importance of nonresident fathers for children's well-being. Annual Review of Sociology, 39, 149-170.
• Braver, S. L., Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Sheets, V., Fogas, B., & Bay, R. C. (1993). A longitudinal study of noncustodial parents: Parents without children. Journal of Family Psychology, 7(1), 9-23.
• Wallerstein, J. S., & Kelly, J. B. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. Basic Books.

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Having a Broken Family: What It Means and How to Cope

Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

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Even the most seemingly idyllic families face problems, and sometimes it can be hard to determine exactly how to go about navigating these issues. In the most extreme cases, certain problems can even lead to estrangement when relationships are severed for a prolonged period of time.

Often called broken families, there are many potential causes of estrangement between family members, and many of them come down to specific details surrounding the individuals and the situations involved. To find out more about what causes these relational rifts, as well as how to solve them, Verywell Mind tapped Frank Anderson, MD , a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, who specializes in the treatment of trauma.

"A broken family is one that includes unhealthy or severed relationships within the family unit," explains Anderson. "They are often associated with divorce but certainly can occur in an intact family where various members are in conflict with or estranged from each other." 

What Causes Estrangement Between Family Members?

While every relationship is unique, Anderson explained some common causes of estrangement among family members:

• Abuse: Anderson notes that this can include sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. While abuse is typically a result of some other factor (mental health problems, for example), it can cause relationship trauma and it's understandable if it complicates your ability to forgive.
• Mental health issues: If you or your family member faced mental health conditions or substance use issues that resulted in the estrangement, it's important to address those issues before moving forward with attempting to fix the relationship. If you were struggling with the issues, make sure you seek help from a therapist and then communicate to the family member that you have sought help and moved forward. If a family member was the one dealing with mental health issues, it's OK to ask them if they've addressed the issues by seeking out help.
• Financial abuse: Money can complicate any relationship, but this is especially true for loved ones. In a marriage, one person may be spending beyond the budget, or overly controlling with the money. Serious issues can arise when there is a death of a parent, and the children do not agree on how the assets are distributed among them. That said, many times these issues can be remedied by being open and honest about your concerns.
• Differing beliefs: This can come into play in a variety of ways—such as political or religious—and if it impacts your ability or your family member's ability to be kind and respectful, then it can become a major problem.
• Boundary crossings: This is perhaps especially true for immediate family members like parents or siblings. In these cases, it's especially important to make sure you've made the person aware of your boundaries so that they know exactly what it is that offends you. It's also important to listen to your family members if they are trying to explain their boundaries to you.
• Overly controlling parents or parental figures: While parents or parental figures often mean well , they can sometimes push too far when it comes to exerting their control. If this is carrying over into your personal life and impacting your relationships as an adult, it's important to make your parents aware of the ways they're affecting your life.
• Refusals to apologize: If you or a loved one are refusing to apologize , it's especially important to make sure you understand the other person's motives. If you feel that everyone's reasoning has been considered and there's still a refusal to apologize, this can cause a major rift.

How Do You Know When a Familial Relationship Is Worth Saving?

First off, it's important to be honest with yourself about the nature of the relationship you had with this family member before things went sour. Was it meaningful and positive or is the relationship's history lined with toxicity ? If you do find that it was meaningful and positive, it may be worth mending.

Broken families are repairable when the involved parties are willing to meet together, to listen to each other’s point of view, and to be able to freely discuss their differences with the intention of resolving the conflict and repairing the relationship.

How to Effectively Repair Relationships With Family Members

In order to effectively repair a relationship, Anderson emphasizes the importance of both parties' willingness to "forgo a defensive posture." By this, he means that each party should be willing to listen to the other, even if this means hearing things that are potentially hurtful. It also requires both parties to speak honestly and openly about their feelings.

"If at any time it becomes unsafe to anyone involved, each party should have the freedom to end the discussion, perhaps postpone it for another time or leave it without further follow-up if necessary," says Anderson.

If you want to speak with a family member, but you're worried that things will get too heated for either person, it may be helpful to enlist the help of a mediator.

"It is often helpful to have a third-party present to arbitrate the discussion," says Anderson. "The neutral party should be able to feel empowered to speak up when necessary and establish boundaries and guidelines for the ensuing discussion."

How to Accept That a Family Relationship Is Over

Sometimes, it is better to end the relationship completely. When a family member continues to be toxic, abusive, unapologetic, or unwilling to seek professional help, then you will not be able to successfully resolve conflict with this person and they will continue to hurt you.

It's important to note that you can forgive someone without reinstating a relationship with that person. In fact, it's better for your mental health if you forgive them because it can help you find peace.

"Forgiveness is something that is achieved internally," says Anderson. "It does not necessarily require the other person to be present in order for it to be meaningful, successful, and long-lasting."

Anderson emphasizes the importance of therapy when it comes to processing the end of any important relationship. While it may take some time, if you're open to mentally forgiving someone, you can move past it in a way that brings you internal peace.

"It is certainly possible, in the context of a supportive therapeutic setting, to work through, resolve, release, and forgive a family member who has hurt you, even if you don’t have contact with them," says Anderson.

A Word From Verywell

Relationships are complicated and even the most ideal family will have conflict at some point. Oftentimes, conflict can be resolved with effective communication, forgiveness, and sometimes the aid of professional help. Other times, the family unit is broken, conflict cannot be resolved, and you may find yourself estranged from certain family members.

It can be difficult to accept a relationship is broken, but maintaining healthy boundaries in your family relationships can prevent further pain.

Moving past hurtful things from the past is possible, and you will be better for it. Whether you need to forgive a family member for yourself or in order to mend a relationship, it's always best to make sure you do what's going to benefit your mental health.

By Brittany Loggins Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.

I Grew Up In A Broken Home, But It Shaped Me And I’m Blessed For It

• https://thoughtcatalog.com/?p=330956

People always ask me if it was hard coming from a broken family. By broken they’re referring to the fact that my parents divorced earlier than I can remember, both went through multiple relationships, and my siblings didn’t always have the same last name as me. From as early as I can remember, my parents didn’t get along, I was passed back and forth on a strict schedule as if the custody papers were actually a child rental agreement. I didn’t understand why my parents didn’t get along but even more confusing, I didn’t understand how they ever got along with each other. Honestly, it’s a miracle I was conceived. My friends would always ask if I wished they were still married but I couldn’t picture them together so that was always a quick and easy, no.

The hardest part about coming from a broken home isn’t that your parents aren’t in love anymore. The hardest part is that it’s not about you. When I say not about you, I mean nothing, nada. Even things you would think should be about you like your schedule, your school lunch money, your clothes, your extracurricular activities – they’re not about you, they’re all about the other parent. I felt like my parents spent more time trying to get back at one another, or jab each other, than actually tend to my needs. Being an only child only amplified the situation. I think with a few more biological siblings, they might have been too distracted but as an only child, my mom definitely had way too much time on her hands.

Whenever someone reacts to my childhood with sympathy I am always a little perplexed. If anything I feel fortunate to have come from a ‘broken home’. While people like to scoff at the fact that my dad has been married two times since my mom, I feel like I am the one who should be laughing because I’m rolling five deep when it comes to parental support after you count my mom’s beau who has been in my life since I was five. I might have been born an only child but I have been blessed with six siblings as a result of divorce (thank God, let’s face it I probably would have gone crazy by myself). I have one half brother and if my dad and his mom had never split I would not be here. What used to be a battle between attending 2 Christmas’s became a battle between 4 Christmas’s since I still visit my ex-step-mom’s house on the holidays. I can’t help but smile and feel loved. It’s hard not to feel the support of that many people.

I’ve gone through things I’d rather not relive. There were times that weren’t great and times that were downright awful, but whose family doesn’t have those times? I’d say the true meaning of family is having those rough edges that can make things uncomfortable with them but yet still make them your first choice above all else. Without my mom’s boyfriend, who would I go to when she has one of her moods? Heck, who would she go to when I have one of mine? Having a broken home teaches you that blood isn’t always thicker than water (sometimes it’s just as thick), forgiveness is possible, and although we were both grown adults, it was possible for my dad to find someone who would love me and my brother like we were her own.

Avolyn Fisher

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How Broken Families Contribute To Broken Societies – An In-Depth Analysis

Written by: asif choudhury , executive contributor, executive contributors at brainz magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise..

Societies are intricate webs of interconnected individuals, bound together by shared values, beliefs, and norms. The strength and stability of a society depend on the well-being of its members, and at the heart of this social fabric lies the institution of the family. Families provide the nurturing environment necessary for individuals to thrive, imparting essential values, emotional support, and guidance. However, when families break apart or fail to fulfil their essential functions, the consequences can be far-reaching, impacting not only the individuals involved but also the broader society.

What is a broken family?

A broken family refers to a household in which the traditional structure of a married couple living together with their children is disrupted. This disruption can manifest through divorce, separation, single parenting, or the absence of one or both parents due to various circumstances. When families fracture, the repercussions can extend beyond the immediate members involved, leading to societal challenges and a weakened social fabric.

In this article, we will delve into the multifaceted ways in which broken families contribute to the deterioration of societies. We will explore the impact on individuals, communities, and the overall social order, shedding light on the interconnectedness of family dynamics and societal well-being. By examining the consequences of broken families, we can gain a deeper understanding of the underlying factors contributing to societal breakdown, and, ultimately, strive towards building stronger, more resilient communities.

Throughout history, families have served as the foundational unit of society, imparting values, norms, and cultural traditions from one generation to the next. Within the family structure, children learn fundamental social skills, develop emotional intelligence, and acquire a sense of identity. When families break apart, children often bear the brunt of the emotional turmoil, experiencing a range of challenges that can have long-term effects on their well-being.

Children growing up in broken families frequently face emotional and psychological difficulties. The absence of one or both parents can give rise to feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and confusion. These challenges can manifest in various ways, including low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and behavioural problems. The instability and conflict associated with broken families can disrupt a child's emotional development, hindering their ability to form healthy relationships and navigate social interactions effectively.

Broken families and the economic consequences

Moreover, broken families often result in economic hardships for both individuals and society at large. Single-parent households, particularly those headed by women, frequently face financial struggles due to limited earning potential and increased responsibilities. This can lead to higher rates of poverty, inadequate access to education and healthcare, and a greater reliance on public assistance programs. The strain on social welfare systems and public resources intensifies, creating an economic burden that impacts the overall functioning of society.

Beyond the individual and economic consequences, broken families also contribute to social fragmentation and disintegration. Strong families serve as the bedrock of social cohesion, fostering a sense of belonging, trust, and mutual support within communities. When families disintegrate, social ties and support networks weaken, leading to increased isolation, alienation, and a diminished sense of collective responsibility. This fragmentation can create an environment ripe for crime, social unrest, and a breakdown in societal bonds.

Furthermore, the consequences of broken families often perpetuate across generations, creating a cycle of societal instability. Children growing up in broken families are more likely to replicate the same patterns in their adult lives, continuing the cycle of broken relationships and fragmented family structures. The absence of positive parental role models and the lack of healthy relationship dynamics can distort their understanding of family values and diminish the likelihood of stable, nurturing family structures in future generations. This intergenerational transmission exacerbates the issues faced by society and makes it increasingly challenging to break the cycle of broken families.

The impact on educational oppor

Additionally, broken families can hinder educational opportunities for children, further exacerbating societal challenges. The absence of a stable family environment can disrupt a child's academic performance, leading to lower educational attainment and decreased prospects for future success. The financial strain faced by single-parent households may limit access to quality education, perpetuating socioeconomic inequalities and hindering overall social and economic progress.

Recognizing the far-reaching consequences of broken families is crucial for addressing the underlying issues and working towards solutions. Effective interventions should encompass comprehensive policies, social support systems, and community initiatives that strengthen family relationships and provide the necessary support for families facing challenges. By addressing the root causes and investing in the well-being of families, societies can foster stability, resilience, and social cohesion, ultimately mitigating the impact of broken families and working towards the collective well-being of all members of society.

To gain a deeper understanding of the impact of broken families on societies and explore effective strategies for building stronger family structures, we invite you to download our free e-book, "My Marriage Rocks" Discover valuable insights, practical tips, and expert advice to empower individuals, strengthen relationships, and contribute to the well-being of society as a whole.

Visit h ere to access your free e-book today and join us in creating resilient communities built on the foundation of strong families. Together, we can make a positive difference in the lives of individuals and the fabric of our societies.

Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info!

Read more from Asif!

Asif Choudhury, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

From Lawyer to Relationship Saviour. How This Man Is Saving Marriages Around The World! For the last 15 years, Asif Choudhury has been a successful lawyer and mediator in the UK. His experience in this area has led to a special ambition – to save as many marriages as possible. Drawing on his experiences, he felt that couples often give up on their marriage too quickly, giving up at the first hurdle. This is why he decided to create 'My Marriage Rocks', an international movement designed to help couples navigate away from their marital problems and not only save their marriage, but make it thrive.

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What It’s Like To Be Part Of A Broken Family

Being part of a broken family is something that many people live with, though a lot of the time, they don’t show it.

That one kid from class, a work-mate or even that cashier from your local Woolies could come from a broken family and you’d never even realise.

You learn from a young age that people are often insensitive, as most people don’t care about what’s going on at your home and often don’t acknowledge it if they don’t see it. While you’re not seeking any pity, a little consideration goes a long way. However, you go on to learn that if it doesn’t leave a physical mark, people often don’t care.

When you come from a broken family, it feels like you’re isolated and cut-off from the rest of the world. Being so distant to a parent or a sibling often pressures you into feeling like you need to deal with it by yourself. Why? Because it’s embarrassing.

It’s embarrassing because it feels like you’re the only one with a family who can’t seem to get along. It’s embarrassing because while everyone gets picked up by their parents, you’re left to hitching a ride or public transport.

It hurts. It hurts because it’s sometimes difficult to understand why your family is like this. Why you have to suffer while everyone else is so seemingly happy with their families. Why you hurt so badly when other families get along so well. Why it’s not your fault.

It’s difficult to accept that it’s not your fault. A spiralling mind with endless thoughts and loneliness with no escape often leads to self-blame and guilt; the feeling that your birth was a burden and the cause of this whole mess. But you learn to accept that it’s not your fault, ever so gradually; that you shouldn’t take responsibility for other people’s actions.

Most holidays pretty much suck. This is when an abundance of friends’ family pictures flow through your feeds, capturing everything your family isn’t. Christmas is especially bad. You hear of your friends’ families travelling overseas just to be with their extended relatives. It’s astounding and you just long to be part of a family willing to go to such lengths to be with each other.

You dread parent teacher nights. It gives you anxiety because you don’t want your teachers to call home; you don’t want your teachers to know of your situation.

You hate every other event that requires a parent present, and it makes you crazy jealous when you see other parents who care enough to make such an effort with their children.

That being said, while it does suck to come from a broken family, you learn many things. You learn to endure hardships and persist in the face of adversity. You learn to face and deal with embarrassment. You gain a unique sense of compassion and empathy. You know to never mistreat someone as you never know what they have to face at home.

With these experiences, you form strong bonds between your friends and while you fear one day creating a broken family of your own, you know you’ll do whatever it takes to uphold a happy and supporting household.

Visit ReachOut to get support to help you with everything from everyday issues through to tough times.

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Family Conflict Is Normal; It’s the Repair That Matters

Three months into the pandemic, I had the urge to see my 28-year-old daughter and her husband, 2,000 miles away. She had weathered an acute health crisis, followed by community protests that propelled them both onto the streets to serve food and clean up neighborhoods. They were coping, but the accumulation of challenges made the mom in me want to connect with and support them. So, together with my husband, my other daughter, and her husband, our family of six adults and two dogs formed a new pod inside my daughter’s home in the steamy heat of the Minneapolis summer.

As I packed, a wisp of doubt crept in. We six hadn’t lived together under the same roof, ever . Would I blow it? Would I “flap my lips,” as a friend calls it, and accidentally say something hurtful? Some time back, in a careless moment of exhaustion, I had insulted my brand-new son-in-law with a thoughtless remark. He was rightfully hurt, and it took a long letter and a phone call to get us back on track.

My own siblings and I were raised inside the intractable rupture that was my parents’ marriage. Their lifelong conflict sowed discord and division in everyone around them. I worked hard to create a different, positive family climate with my husband and our children. My old ghosts were haunting me, though, and I didn’t want to ruin a good thing. 

Yet research shows that it’s not realistic, or possible, or even healthy to expect that our relationships will be harmonious all the time. Everything we know from developmental science and research on families suggests that rifts will happen—and what matters more is how you respond to them. With many families spending more time together than ever now, there are ample opportunities for tension and hurt feelings. These moments also offer ample invitations to reconnect.

Disconnections are a fact of life

Researcher Ed Tronick, together with colleague Andrew Gianino, calculated how often infants and caregivers are attuned to each other. (Attunement is a back-and-forth rhythm of interaction where partners share positive emotions.) They found that it’s surprisingly little. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are in sync only 30% of the time. The other 70%, they’re mismatched, out of synch, or making repairs and coming back together. Cheeringly, even babies work toward repairs with their gazes, smiles, gestures, protests, and calls.

These mismatches and repairs are critical, Tronick explains. They’re important for growing children’s self-regulation, coping, and resilience. It is through these mismatches—in small, manageable doses—that babies, and later children, learn that the world does not track them perfectly. These small exposures to the micro-stress of unpleasant feelings, followed by the pleasant feelings that accompany repair, or coming back together, are what give them manageable practice in keeping their boat afloat when the waters are choppy. Put another way, if a caregiver met all of their child’s needs perfectly, it would actually get in the way of the child’s development. 
 “Repairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting,” says UCLA neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel , director of the Mindsight Institute and author of several books on interpersonal neurobiology.

Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired, says Tronick , and then again become miscoordinated and stressful, and again are repaired. This occurs thousands of times in a day, and millions of times over a year.

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Other research shows that children have more conflicts and repairs with friends than non-friends. Sibling conflict is legendary; and adults’ conflicts escalate when they become parents. If interpersonal conflict is unavoidable—and even necessary—then the only way we can maintain important relationships is to get better at re-synchronizing them, and especially at tending to repairs when they rupture.

“Relationships shrink to the size of the field of repair,” says Rick Hanson , psychologist and author of several books on the neuroscience of well-being. “But a bid for a repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other,” he adds. “It says you value the relationship.”

Strengthening the family fabric

In a small Canadian study , researchers examined how parents of four- to seven-year-old children strengthened, harmed, or repaired their relationships with their children. Parents said their relationships with their children were strengthened by “horizontal” or egalitarian exchanges like playing together, negotiating, taking turns, compromising, having fun, or sharing psychological intimacy—in other words, respecting and enjoying one another. Their relationships were harmed by an over-reliance on power and authority, and especially by stonewalling tactics like the “silent treatment.” When missteps happened, parents repaired and restored intimacy by expressing warmth and affection, talking about what happened, and apologizing.

This model of strengthening, harming, and repairing can help you think about your own interactions. When a family relationship is already positive, there is a foundation of trust and a belief in the other’s good intentions, which helps everyone restore more easily from minor ruptures. For this reason, it helps to proactively tend the fabric of family relationships. 
 That can begin with simply building up an investment of positive interactions:

• Spend “special time” with each child individually to create more space to deepen your one-to-one relationship. Let them control the agenda and decide how long you spend together.
• Appreciate out loud, share gratitude reflections, and notice the good in your children intermittently throughout the day or week.

You also want to watch out for ways you might harm the relationship. If you’re ever unsure about a child’s motives, check their intentions behind their behaviors and don’t assume they were ill-intentioned. Language like, “I noticed that…” or “Tell me what happened…” or “And then what happened?” can help you begin to understand an experience from the child’s point of view.

A Loving Space for Kids’ Emotions

Show love to your children by helping them process emotions

When speaking to a child, consider how they might receive what you’re saying. Remember that words and silence have weight; children are “ emotional Geiger counters ” and read your feelings much more than they process your words. If you are working through feelings or traumas that have nothing to do with them, take care to be responsible for your own feelings and take a moment to calm yourself before speaking.

In this context of connection and understanding, you can then create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed:

• Watch for tiny bids for repairs . Sometimes we have so much on our minds that we miss the look, gesture, or expression in a child that shows that what they really want is to reconnect.
• Normalize requests like “I need a repair” or “Can we have a redo?” We need to be able to let others know when the relationship has been harmed.
• Likewise, if you think you might have stepped on someone’s toes, circle back to check. Catching a misstep early can help.

When you’re annoyed by a family member’s behavior, try to frame your request for change in positive language; that is, say what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. Language like, “I have a request…” or “Would you be willing to…?” keeps the exchange more neutral and helps the recipient stay engaged rather than getting defensive.

You can also model healthy repairs with people around you, so they are normalized and children see their usefulness in real time. Children benefit when they watch adults resolve conflict constructively.


Four steps to an authentic repair

There are infinite varieties of repairs, and they can vary in a number of ways, depending on your child’s age and temperament, and how serious the rift was.

Infants need physical contact and the restoration of love and security. Older children need affection and more words. Teenagers may need more complex conversations. Individual children vary in their styles—some need more words than others, and what is hurtful to one child may not faze another child. Also, your style might not match the child’s, requiring you to stretch further.

Some glitches are little and may just need a check-in, but deeper wounds need more attention. Keep the apology in proportion to the hurt. What’s important is not your judgment of how hurt someone should be, but the actual felt experience of the child’s hurt. A one-time apology may suffice, but some repairs need to be acknowledged frequently over time to really stitch that fabric back together. It’s often helpful to check in later to see if the amends are working.

While each repair is unique, authentic repairs typically involve the same steps.

1. Acknowledge the offense. First, try to understand the hurt you caused. It doesn’t matter if it was unintentional or what your reasons were. This is the time to turn off your own defense system and focus on understanding and naming the other person’s pain or anger.

Sometimes you need to check your understanding. Begin slowly: “Did I hurt you? Help me understand how.” This can be humbling and requires that we listen with an open heart as we take in the other person’s perspective.

Try not to undermine the apology by adding on any caveats, like blaming the child for being sensitive or ill-behaved or deserving of what happened. Any attempt to gloss over, minimize, or dilute the wound is not an authentic repair. Children have a keen sense for authenticity. Faking it or overwhelming them will not work.

A spiritual teacher reminded me of an old saying, “It is acknowledging the wound that gets the thorn out.” It’s what reconnects our humanity.

Making an Effective Apology

A good apology involves more than saying "sorry"

2. Express remorse. Here, a sincere “I’m sorry” is sufficient.

Don’t add anything to it. One of the mistakes adults often make, according to therapist and author Harriet Lerner , is to tack on a discipline component: “Don’t let it happen again,” or “Next time, you’re really going to get it.” This, says Lerner, is what prevents children from learning to use apologies themselves. 
 Apologizing can be tricky for adults. It might feel beneath us, or we may fear that we’re giving away our power. We shouldn’t have to apologize to a child, because as adults we are always right, right? Of course not. But it’s easy to get stuck in a vertical power relationship to our child that makes backtracking hard.

On the other hand, some adults—especially women, says Rick Hanson —can go overboard and be too effusive, too obsequious, or even too quick in their efforts to apologize. This can make the apology more about yourself than the person who was hurt. Or it could be a symptom of a need for one’s own boundary work.   

There is no perfect formula for an apology except that it be delivered in a way that acknowledges the wound and makes amends. And there can be different paths to that. Our family sometimes uses a jokey, “You were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong,” to playfully acknowledge light transgressions. Some apologies are nonverbal: My father atoned for missing all of my childhood birthdays when he traveled 2,000 miles to surprise me at my doorstep for an adult birthday. Words are not his strong suit, but his planning, effort, and showing up was the repair. Apologies can take on all kinds of tones and qualities.

3. Consider offering a brief explanation. If you sense that the other person is open to listening, you can provide a brief explanation of your point of view, but use caution, as this can be a slippery slope. Feel into how much is enough. The focus of the apology is on the wounded person’s experience. If an explanation helps, fine, but it shouldn’t derail the intent. This is not the time to add in your own grievances—that’s a conversation for a different time.

4. Express your sincere intention to fix the situation and to prevent it from happening again. With a child, especially, try to be concrete and actionable about how the same mistake can be prevented in the future. “I’m going to try really hard to…” and “Let’s check back in to see how it’s feeling…” can be a start.

Remember to forgive yourself, too. This is a tender process, we are all works in progress, and adults are still developing. I know I am.

Prior to our visit, my daughter and I had a phone conversation. We shared our excitement about the rare chance to spend so much time together. Then we gingerly expressed our concerns.

 “I’m afraid we’ll get on each other’s nerves,” I said.

“I’m afraid I’ll be cooking and cleaning the whole time,” she replied.

So we strategized about preventing these foibles. She made a spreadsheet of chores where everyone signed up for a turn cooking and cleaning, and we discussed the space needs that people would have for working and making phone calls.

Then I drew a breath and took a page from the science. “I think we have to expect that conflicts are going to happen,” I said. “It’s how we work through them that will matter. The love is in the repair.”

This article is excerpted from a longer article on Diana Divecha’s blog, developmentalscience.com.

About the Author

Diana Divecha

Diana Divecha, Ph.D. , is a developmental psychologist, an assistant clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and on the advisory board of the Greater Good Science Center. Her blog is developmentalscience.com .

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What’s Ripping American Families Apart?

By David Brooks

Opinion Columnist

At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a member of their own family, and research suggests about 40 percent of Americans have experienced estrangement at some point.

The most common form of estrangement is between adult children and one or both parents — a cut usually initiated by the child. A study published in 2010 found that parents in the U.S. are about twice as likely to be in a contentious relationship with their adult children as parents in Israel, Germany, England and Spain.

The Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer, author of “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them,” writes that the children in these cases often cite harsh parenting, parental favoritism, divorce and poor and increasingly hostile communication often culminating in a volcanic event. As one woman told Salon : “I have someone out to get me, and it’s my mother. My part of being a good mom has been getting my son away from mine.”

The parents in these cases are often completely bewildered by the accusations. They often remember a totally different childhood home and accuse their children of rewriting what happened. As one cutoff couple told the psychologist Joshua Coleman: “Emotional abuse? We gave our child everything. We read every parenting book under the sun, took her on wonderful vacations, went to all of her sporting events.”

Part of the misunderstanding derives from the truth that we all construct our own realities, but part of the problem, as Nick Haslam of the University of Melbourne has suggested, is there seems to be a generational shift in what constitutes abuse. Practices that seemed like normal parenting to one generation are conceptualized as abusive, overbearing and traumatizing to another.

There’s a lot of real emotional abuse out there, but as Coleman put it in an essay in The Atlantic, “My recent research — and my clinical work over the past four decades — has shown me that you can be a conscientious parent and your kid may still want nothing to do with you when they’re older.”

Either way, there’s a lot of agony for all concerned. The children feel they have to live with the legacy of an abusive childhood. The parents feel rejected by the person they love most in the world, their own child, and they are powerless to do anything about it. There’s anger, grief and depression on all sides — painful holidays and birthdays — plus, the next generation often grows up without knowing their grandparents.

No one even thought to measure family estrangement until relatively recently. Coleman, the author of “Rules of Estrangement,” argues that a more individualistic culture has meant that the function of family has changed. Once it was seen as a bond of mutual duty and obligation, and now it is often seen as a launchpad for personal fulfillment. There’s more permission to cut off people who seem toxic in your life.

Becca Bland, founder of the British support and advocacy group Stand Alone, told the BBC: “Now I can put my needs first rather than trying to fix things beyond my control. But, yes, I’m angry I didn’t get the mother I wanted.”

The meritocracy and high-pressure parenting are also implicated here. Parents, especially among the upper-educated set , are investing more time and effort in their kids. A 2012 survey from the Institute for Advanced Studies in Culture found that almost three-quarters of parents of school-age kids said they eventually want to become their children’s best friend.

Some kids seem to think they need to cut off their parents just to have their own life. “My mom is really needy and I just don’t need that in my life,” one Ivy League grad told Coleman. In other cases, children may be blaming their parents for the fact that they are not succeeding as they had hoped — it’s Mom and Dad who screwed me up.

I write about this phenomenon here because it feels like a piece of what seems to be the psychological unraveling of America, which has become an emerging theme of this column. Terrible trends are everywhere. Major depression rates among youths aged 12 to 17 rose by almost 63 percent between 2013 and 2016. American suicide rates increased by 33 percent between 1999 and 2019. The percentage of Americans who say they have no close friends has quadrupled since 1990, according to the Survey Center on American Life. Fifty-four percent of Americans report sometimes or always feeling that no one knows them well, according to a 2018 Ipsos survey.

I confess, I don’t understand what’s causing this. But social pain and vulnerability are affecting everything: our families, schools, politics and even our sports.

A friend notes that politics has begun to feel like an arena where many people can process and regulate their emotional turmoil indirectly. Anxiety, depression and anger are hard to deal with within the tangled intimacy of family life. But political tribalism becomes a mechanism with which people can shore themselves up, vanquish shame, fight for righteousness and find a sense of belonging.

People who feel betrayed will lash out at someone if there is no one there to help them process their underlying hurt. As the Franciscan friar Richard Rohr wisely wrote, if we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook , Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram .

David Brooks has been a columnist with The Times since 2003. He is the author of “The Road to Character” and, most recently, “The Second Mountain.” @ nytdavidbrooks

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My parents, both drunk, were having a fight.

I was sleeping on the couch, or so they thought.

My father pushed my mother with enough force to break her pelvis. She ended up in the hospital.

I remember another time when they called my two brothers and my sister and I from our beds in the middle of the night. They were drunk again as they announced they were getting divorced.

We were asked to choose which parent we wanted to stay with.

These are just two among many crazy memories I have of my family. Some of the carnage of that time remains untold.

As a child, despair and sadness moved into my life like a fog. Thoughts of suicide sometimes lingered within that fog.

And the experiences of my closest relationships defined my life in ways I wasn’t sure I could overcome.

What about you? Do you struggle with memories of family relationships that feel like scars, maybe even open wounds?

Your primary relationships shape all the others

I am a survivor. Some might even describe me as a success as I graduated from high school and university with honors, despite my home life. But my survival carries with it the baggage of my childhood.

I’ve experienced deep-seated anger and bitterness toward my father. That anger infected other relationships.

I have no scientific proof but I believe that when you have significant, unresolved issues in your family, it affects all other relationships.

I call this “the theory of primary relationships”.

Forgiveness is easier said than done

I will never forget a conversation I had with a roommate at Colorado State University. He asked lots of questions, and the topic of my relationship with my father came up.

My friend said, “Mike, you need to love your dad.”

I knew that I didn’t, and wasn’t even sure I could. At best, my anger was mixed with pity.

I’m not sure my father ever understood how his actions affected me, but I know how mine affected him. So I chose to give him love as a gift.

A few months later, I looked my dad in the eyes and told him, “I love you.”

Then, on Father’s Day, I wrote him a letter, telling him the good things he’d done as a parent.

I never heard back from him, but my mother told me, “Your dad got your letter. He sat in his chair, read it and cried.”

Dealing with my relationship with my dad taught me lessons that improved other relationships.

How to move from bitter anger to love and forgiveness

Only by experiencing love and forgiveness myself, could I discover how to love and forgive the people who hurt me.

My sister, who shared my painful memories, helped me understand that God loved me even when I chose to reject Him. She told me that Jesus died to demonstrate God’s love for me, and then came back from the dead to offer me forgiveness.   

As I experienced God’s forgiveness day-by-day, I developed a greater capacity to love and forgive others. My relationship with my father became the ultimate test of this ability to forgive. If God chose to love and forgive me, how could I not do the same for my father?

Pain and hurt from our “primary relationships” can be carried for a lifetime. The result is multiplied misery. Or it can be laid down as we choose to take hold of the forgiveness God offers us.

How do you take hold of what God is offering you?

This will sound too simple. But basically you ask Him for it.

Christians refer to this as praying, but that just means talking with God .

God already knows what you’re thinking and feeling. So He’s less concerned with your words than the attitude of your heart.

If you feel ready to receive the forgiveness God wants you to experience, you could pray something like this:  

Lord Jesus, I want to know you. Thank you for dying on the cross so that I could know forgiveness for the ways I turned my back on you. I now invite you into my life and choose to hand over control to you. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.  

Were you able to pray those words?

If you have, you have taken a huge step of faith. God will meet you as you come to Him each day with your hopes, dreams, fears and the pain of your past.

All relationships need time and intentionality in order to grow. It’s no different with God. We want to help you to go deeper with God using these resources which help you take the next step and the ones after that.

If you don’t feel ready to say that prayer yet, we can help you continue exploring what it means to know God and experience the life He wants for you.

Adapted from an article first published on familylifecanada.com

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The day I returned home after being kidnapped by Islamic terrorists

Beth Rodden is a professional rock climber who, along with three other climbers, was kidnapped and held hostage by Islamic militants in 2000 while on a climbing trip in Kyrgyzstan. The following is excerpted from her new memoir, “A Light Through the Cracks,” about the day she returned home to the U.S. 

Amsterdam, August 2000

By the time my boyfriend, Tommy Caldwell, and I made it to Amsterdam’s gleaming, sterile airport, we had been passed along a half dozen times, like an important but increasingly well-worn package. Military helicopters had brought us and our other two climbing partners from base to base. We’d endured a surreal ride on a private jet from the last military base to the capital, Bishkek, traveling alongside the tipsy and jovial president of Kyrgyzstan. He’d patted us on the shoulders like a grandfather and claimed us long enough for a photo op and a speech to local media in a language we couldn’t understand. Then he handed the four of us off to the American embassy, which scrambled to find us flights home. A few days later, Tommy and I drove across the Kazakhstan border, in a hired car with a diplomatic escort, to the international airport in Almaty, and finally a commercial jet took us from Central Asia to the edge of the Atlantic. Now we had just one more flight to go.

Our tickets were a last-minute mess, and we needed to check on our connection. As we crossed the terminal, I carried a brown paper gift bag from the airport candy shop — despite what we’d been through, I still wanted to bring my older brother a present from this trip. I watched the families clustered around the gates, the lone business travelers perched at the bars, scanning each face around me. I’d been on edge through practically every step of the journey: The embassy in Bishkek had felt almost safe, but at the hotel where they’d sent us to get some sleep, I’d felt vulnerable and stayed vigilant.

In the airport, I was hungry again. When we’d made it to the second army base, the one that felt like a cluster of portable classrooms set down on a vast brown plain, we’d stuffed ourselves with barley and warm buttered bread, but I could not stay full. I had just eaten two chocolate croissants. Still, my stomach felt like a cavern. My brother didn’t really need a present, did he?

I ate half the chocolate in the bag before we got to our gate.

The line at the KLM Royal Dutch Airlines counter felt so orderly. The whole airport did. Just existing there felt like getting a big, soothing hug. When we’d boarded the flight in Kazakhstan, the passengers had formed no line. Everybody just pushed in a scrum toward the plane. Tommy and I stood frozen, like the good, shocked scouts that we were, and got lost in the flood. I felt so fragile, so extremely fragile, and so resigned to that fragile state.

We weren’t safe. That was obvious to me. No line, no order, no rule of law. I loved rules. People smoked openly on that first plane.

“Next,” the flight attendant said as we arrived at the counter. Her voice was as professionally cheerful as her uniform: light blue skirt, light blue jacket, white blouse underneath.

“We’re here to check in for our flight,” I said.

“Wonderful. May I please have your boarding passes?”

I mumbled something apologetic and handed her a few crumpled, dirty sheets of paper. “I think we have to get our seats and stuff from you.”

She pinched her brow as she read our mess of documents. She typed vigorously. I was sure this meant we weren’t going to make it home.

“Can you wait one second?” she asked, flashing a strained smile. She disappeared behind a wall.

I looked at Tommy. He stared into the blank space where the woman had just been. I couldn’t tell if he was as scared as I was, if he was also monitoring the people pooling and flowing around us for any threat. I felt like I had grown an invisible antenna that vibrated continually, never at rest. Never letting me rest. A memory tried to surface inside me: a body in silhouette, sailing off a dark cliff. A crunch, and an exhale. I forced it back down.

Two blond attendants now appeared where there had been one.

“Can you tell me: Was it something KLM did?” the new flight attendant asked.

I looked back at Tommy. Did he know what she was talking about? Did she know what had happened? Tommy shrugged.

“Wait, what?” I said. “What was something . . . ?”

“Well, um, how to say this,” the flight attendant said. “It says on your tickets, ‘Emotionally distressed passengers, please take care.’ So, we are just wondering if it’s something KLM did.” She looked concerned and defensive in her caring, like a hospital billing manager. She didn’t want to know the answer, but she had to ask.

I didn’t want a stranger to try to comfort me, but I did feel the need to comfort her. So I said, “Oh no, definitely not. We were just kidnapped and we want to go home.”

I couldn’t believe how easily the sentence came out. We were just kidnapped . . . I’d never said it so plainly before.

The flight attendant exhaled all her breath at once, stunned and relieved. “Well, good,” she said.

Well, good?

“KLM does our best. How about business-class seats for you two?” She printed our fresh, flat boarding passes. Tommy and I boarded the plane.

We ate every meal and every snack that was offered to us on the long ride home. My hunger was like a portal opened into a galaxy — infinite, absolute. When I was in middle school, I used to watch my older brother, David, eat, stunned by the mountain of food he could consume. Now, it felt strangely freeing to eat with that type of abandon. I hadn’t done that since ninth grade, when I became obsessed with climbing.

I could eat, but I still couldn’t sleep. My anxiety kept me wide awake, and my wakefulness in turn meant I had nothing but space and time for the anxiety to spin itself tighter in my body. I kept wondering if the plane would crash. That seemed possible, maybe even probable, given how the rest of our trip had gone. An appropriate ending, in a way. I wondered if I’d be scared. What would Tommy say to me before impact? Would it hurt? Our backpack, stuffed at our feet, was filled with souvenirs purchased in a blur during our strange interlude in Bishkek, between our flight with the president and our diplomatic drive across the border. I had stuffed the paltry remains of the airport chocolate into our bag alongside the rest of the things we’d acquired: a hand-carved wooden chess set, a wool hanging. Proof that we’d done something major and been somewhere cool. What were we thinking?

The backpack that sat at our feet had been lost in transit when we’d first landed in Kyrgyzstan, full of hope for our climbing adventure, and was waiting for us, perversely intact, at the hotel in Bishkek after our escape. We’d left San Francisco with 20 expedition duffels, and all I had left was this backpack filled with trinkets from a country to which I’d never return. Maybe that was why we’d bought them, with the money Tommy had wadded up in his sock just before we were marched away from our camp at gunpoint. Maybe it was some attempt to fabricate a decent memory of the place.

My hands trembled the whole 12 hours to San Francisco. I knew I needed sleep, but if the plane did crash, wasn’t I supposed to be awake for that? I had no idea how to act, what to do or say or who to be when we saw our parents. I’d left as a 20-year-old girl full of herself, ready for the world, sure I was doing something extraordinary. I was living out the dream I’d stared at in the posters I hung on my bedroom wall: climbing to incredible heights in far-off places. My mother had hardly traveled, certainly not by my age. I’d felt so awfully superior as I’d walked down the jetway when we left. I didn’t even turn back to wave.

My parents had given me everything — pride, freedom, confidence. They trusted me. They trusted my decisions. They trusted the world. Now I was returning home a broken mess. I’d spoken to them a few times from the embassy in Bishkek, the words mainly drowned in my tears. I wanted to be small again, so small I could crawl through the phone into their arms, where they’d hold me and shush me and stroke my head. I wanted my mother to say, “Mama’s here, Mama’s here,” just like she always did when I was a girl. I wanted to shrink back into that little-girl body and lay my head in her lap and cry.

How was I supposed to carry myself getting off the jetway? Was the idea to act strong, like I was fine? I was weirdly good at that. Or should I literally run into their arms?

Now — how to do this? How was I supposed to carry myself getting off the jetway? Was the idea to act strong, like I was fine? I was weirdly good at that. Or should I literally run into their arms, like I had been dreaming of doing for the past eight days? I’d never spoken easily with my parents about feelings. They were so kind, so present, and gently but firmly on my team. But inside, I always felt nervous, like there was a line I was afraid to cross, like I needed to be tougher, solid, unbreakable. And even if I could lay my head in my mother’s lap and have her say, “Mama’s here,” would that still work to soothe me? I was not the same person I had been when I left. My thoughts flapped like the loose end of a film in an old-fashioned movie projector, the front reel spinning empty.

I looked over at Tommy. Maybe he’d know what to do. His head was slumped at a 45-degree angle to his chest, his mouth dropped open, snoring. He was sick. His brain was more lucid and less spastic than mine, but his body was breaking down. He had a fever. I envied Tommy’s oblivion. I felt so alone.

We landed. My palms were sweating, but Tommy’s hands felt strong. That felt like a plan: I’d hold his strong hand and we’d present a united front, though I hadn’t told him about my looping, flapping mind. I was trying to stay composed — for him, for me, maybe for my parents too. We collected our bag of souvenirs from under the airplane seats. The souvenirs promised our trip was normal. We were normal. I grabbed a free chocolate bar and a package of cookies from the plane’s galley as we exited. I never did anything like that, but now instead of saying, “Don’t eat that, Rodden,” I thought, “Just in case we don’t have any other food.”

I didn’t race off the plane like I had seen people do in movies, straight into their loved ones’ arms. Instead I walked so slowly that other passengers started passing us. I was desperate to return home, to the narrow twin bed in my parents’ house, on our quiet block filled with minivans and white Honda sedans, to replant myself in the flat farmland around Davis, California, to recommit to the safe wide sidewalks. I just didn’t know how. I wondered if people could tell we’d changed: if we walked differently or stood slightly less straight, if we’d absorbed so much fear and terror that we now emitted it.

Excerpted from “A Light Through the Cracks: A Climber’s Story,” by Beth Rodden. © 2024 Published by Little A Books, May 1, 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Beth Rodden is the author of “A Light Through the Cracks: A Climber’s Story,” out May 2024. 

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