essay about the importance of forgiveness

Why is Forgiveness Important?

Scroll down to find out more on the importance of forgiveness and how it can neutralize anger and resentment.

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This Article Contains

How can forgiveness free us from anger, the relationship between forgiveness and healing, self-forgiveness and the value of forgiving yourself, why forgiving others is the best thing you can do for yourself, forgiveness and compassion, gratitude and forgiveness, a take-home message.

Negative life events, if significant enough, can get encoded in memory and often cause us to have physical reactions to remembering the painful experience. From the perspective of psychological research holding a grudge is considered an “imagined emotional response” (Witvliet, Ludwig, & Laan, 2001).

This would suggest that one must fuel the negative emotions in order to sustain them over a long period of time. For example, vengeful thoughts that embellish and describe the event with contempt only intensify the emotional imagery and physiological experience.

There is research, however, that shows the desire for revenge to be in some instances stronger than empathic motivation, especially in men. Participants in a Singer and Lamm’s study did not respond with empathy toward a person that was suffering, especially when they felt the person deserved punishment (2009).

One moment of anger can wipe out a lifetime of merit.

Interventions such as perspective-taking that result in empathetic compassion can help one in overcoming anger and resentment.

This cultivation of empathy involves connecting to the common humanity between oneself and the offender as well as trying to see the situation from the other person’s perspective and attempting to understand what might have contributed to the behavior that caused one harm (Witvliet et al., 2001).

Many argue that empathy should be cultivated early on through forgiveness education. When inner turmoil ensues in adulthood, it may be tough to find our way to forgiveness if we’ve never practiced it before.

It is very much like asking someone who has never worked out to run a marathon. Many believe that children and adolescents should begin learning at a young age what forgiveness is and how people go about forgiving.

Teaching forgiveness is especially important to help reduce anger in children who have suffered injustice sufficient enough to compromise their emotional health.

Forgiveness can also help students, now and later as adults, forge stable and meaningful relationships without anger causing discord and division.

Finally, forgiveness can play a big part in how communities thrive when people begin to see more deeply the inherent worth of others.

Cultivating forgiveness is important because there are senseless crimes committed in a fit of anger where one brief moment can alter the course of many lives. People whose lives are affected by these crimes may not have the ability to forgive, thereby contributing to more resentment and anger in the world.

The message of the Dalai Lama in his book Healing Anger sees human ability to inflict harm on oneself and others as part of human nature, where some individuals are more prone to it than others (1997).

He explains that some acts of violence are committed out of ignorance or carelessness. Yet others are prompted by circumstances. All of which are presented as outside of a person’s control when one’s mental, emotional or circumstantial conditions are concerned.

In light of this perspective, he suggests that it becomes pointless to hold it against those who hurt themselves or injure others.

Forgiveness can neutralize anger and resentment. The Dalai Lama suggests that the best way to deal with continually getting angry after being wronged by another person is to see them from a different angle and see that perhaps they still have positive qualities.

He also suggests that the negative events can be a source of opportunities otherwise not possible, a form of re-framing toward the positive (Dalai Lama, 1997).

Generating universal compassion is another way of dealing with anger that aids in cultivating forgiveness and can be accomplished through reflecting on how we are all connected because we all share in the experience of pain and all wish to overcome suffering.

The Dalai Lama reminds us that cultivating “ acceptance of harm and injuries inflicted by others ” is a form of patience and tolerance and can be practiced alongside an appreciation of the complexity of human condition and nature of reality (Dalai Lama, 1997).

Buddhist approach to anger and resentment suggests that cultivating the virtue of forgiveness is closely tied to developing practices of patience and tolerance. These forms of practice encompass cultivation of mindfulness and wisdom, giving or generosity, as well as honesty and sincerity.

The English language has no equivalent in meaning to the word patience as an internal strength. Buddhist tradition, however, recognizes many different aspects of patience ( sopa ) and speaks to how these concepts relate to each other, namely:

• resilience,
• forgiveness,
• tolerance and

Buddhist tradition also distinguishes between different kinds of patience depending on the context: the patience of not retaliating, the patience of accepting hardship, and patience of accepting reality.

The Dalai Lama also encourages us to contemplate our impermanence which allows us to have more appreciation for the time we have. Reflecting on impermanence can give us a sense of perspective and urgency and allow us to see human potential and the value of our existence.

He reminds us that the tendency to rehearse after being hurt is common, but reliving the pain and suffering is optional. If we consider the explanation that resentment is considered “ a commitment to remain angry (or to resume anger periodically) ” holding a grudge seems to be an equivalent of cultivating anger (Dalai Lama, 1997).

The Dalai Lama proposes that instead we either develop a sense of indifference towards the aggressor or further develop compassion for those who are afflicted with such tendencies. He believes that practicing awareness of the nature of suffering can help one develop the ability to connect to other people’s pain.

The practice of loving-kindness and other positive states is one application of this wisdom to a difficult situation.

The Dalai Lama also suggests that with the help of humility and patience one can resist the urge to retaliate and counteract what he refers to as “ deluded states of mind .” Finally, his Holiness suggests that we take it a step further by deliberately familiarizing ourselves with the nature of suffering so we can become more tolerant of it.

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Studies show that being an object of transgression can be a significant cause for developing depression and that practicing forgiveness can alleviate feelings of anger, avoidance and vengeful-ness that lead to negative consequences in one’s emotional and physical health as well as relationships (Brown, 2003; McCullough et al., 1998).

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright

Cultivating forgiveness as a means for neutralizing anger and resentment can be a form of coping strategy, while deliberate replacement of negative feelings with positive emotions can become a form of personal transformation that can lead to emotional healing.

Interventions such as perspective taking, benefit finding, connecting to the greater good, cultivating empathy, and neutralizing hostility can help one in overcoming anger and resentment (Witvliet et al., 2001; Worthington & Scherer, 2004).

Forgiving responses like developing feelings of empathy and granting forgiveness can reduce arousal, negative emotions, and stress responses.

One study found that letting go and adopting a merciful attitude toward the offender contributed to fewer cardiovascular and immune system problems (Witvliet et al., 2001).

Other studies found forgiveness to be positively associated with five measures of health:

• physical symptoms,
• medications used,
• sleep quality,
• fatigue, and
• somatic complaints (McCullough, Sandage, & Worthington, 1997; McCullough & Worthington, 1994; Thoresen, Harris, & Luskin, 2000).

According to the Mayo Clinic, deliberate letting go of negative emotions, particularly those that are strong and have been linked to forgiveness brings with it plenty of health benefits, including improved relationships, decreased anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure, a lowered risk of depression, and stronger immune and heart health.

Letting go of negative emotions can often have a remarkable impact on the body.

Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of one’s ability to forgive others, in the same way as self-compassion is crucial to one’s predisposition to be compassionate toward other human beings.

Being kind to yourself and forgiving of your own shortcomings can give us much needed perspective on suffering and imperfections of others.

It allows us to connect to others on the level of common humanity and can often be a humbling experience when evaluating what motivates other people’s behavior.

Studies in conflict resolution show that we tend to invent intentions for others when in most situations we know only our half of the story.

Self-forgiveness has been defined as “a willingness to abandon self-resentment in the face of one’s acknowledged objective wrong, while fostering compassion, generosity, and love toward oneself ” (Enright, 1996, p. 116).

Wenzel, Woodyatt, and Hedrick (2012) argued that self-forgiveness is best understood as a process by which we sever the negative link between taking responsibility and positive self-regard, which is a process that Holmgren (1998) referred to as genuine self-forgiveness.

The scope of psychological research on self-forgiveness to date has examined it across a range of contexts. Self-forgiveness has been related to:

• drug and alcohol addiction or use (Gueta, 2013; McGaffin, Lyons, & Deane, 2013),
• mothering (Gueta, 2013),
• smoking (Wohl & Thompson, 2011),
• gambling (Squires, Sztainert, Gillen, Caouette, & Wohl, 2012), and
• disordered eating (Peterson et al., 2017).

Although the impact of self-forgiveness in different contexts have varied from study to study, forgiveness has been studied in population groups including:

• cancer patients (Toussaint, Barry, Bornfriend, & Markman, 2014),
• people living with HIV/AIDS (Mudgal & Tiwari, 2015),
• military service members (Bryan, Theriault, & Bryan, 2015),
• hypersexual disorder patients (Hook et al., 2015), and
• complex trauma survivors (Worthington & Langberg, 2012).

According to Enright and Fitzgibbons (2015), self-forgiveness entails releasing negative emotions directed at oneself and involves a meaningful interpretation and successful resolution of negative emotions or attitudes directed at oneself.

Self-forgiveness also entails fostering of positive emotions directed toward oneself; and the definition of self-forgiveness not only included the abandoning of self-directed negative emotion, but also the increase in positive or benevolent emotion like compassion , generosity, and love toward the self (Enright & Fitzgibbons 2015).

We can examine self-forgiveness in its many facets as:

• a response to guilt and shame ,
• a step toward processing transgressions,
• a means of reducing anxiety, and
• an essential component of, or under some circumstances a barrier to, psychotherapeutic intervention.

Self-forgiveness as an applied discipline relates to diverse psychosocial contexts such as:

• addiction and recovery,
• couples and families,
• healthy aging,
• the workplace, and
• the military.

Although productive self-criticism is crucial to personal improvement after moral or another failure, it is important to understand the emotions of shame, humiliation, and guilt frequently associated with it.

These self-conscious emotions relate to either competitive or caring motivational systems and understanding these suggests that self-forgiveness will operate very differently depending on the emotions and motivations to which it relates.

The table below shows distinctions between shame, humiliation, and guilt.

Adapted from P. Gilbert (2010)  Compassion Focused Therapy

Adapted from P. Gilbert (2009) The Compassionate Mind

Self-forgiveness has significant implications for relationships and couple and family therapy, particularly when going through the challenges of a rupture due to an offense.

Self-forgiveness is an integrative process within a person in which the self that committed the wrongdoing is acknowledged, accepted, and provided the opportunity to move forward.

The theoretical concepts of attachment, differentiation of self (DoS), and intersubjectivity must be considered to create an integrative relational process of self-forgiveness where we can anticipate the common barriers to the process.

Loren Toussaint, an associate professor of psychology at Luther College in Iowa, discovered that if people were highly forgiving of both themselves and others, that characteristic alone virtually eliminated the connection between stress and mental illness.

Toussaint reminds us that without forgiveness we don’t have a buffer against stress and often will feel its raw effects. Even something as seemingly insignificant as a short prayer or a brief meditation on forgiveness can help people take the edge off (Toussaint, Kamble, Marschall, & Duggi, 2016).

Worthington and Scherer (2004) found that unforgiveness, when considered as a negative emotional and cognitive construct, causes stress.

Inability to forgive was also linked to anger and hostility, and those negative tendencies have proven to have a negative health effect, especially with regard to cardiovascular conditions.

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

Marcus Aurelius

Although dwelling on injustice, holding onto grudges and exacting vengeance are tempting options, study after study shows that forgiving those who have harmed us can systematically reduce distress and increase satisfaction with life.

Several studies linked forgiveness to more positive emotions and fewer symptoms of physical illness. One study found that forgiving on one day resulted in participants reporting higher levels of happiness on the next day (Witvliet et al., 2001; Worthington & Scherer, 2004).

Forgiving was also found to be an effective emotion-focused coping strategy that could contribute to overall health and was also linked to more frequent experiences of positive emotions of empathy and compassion.

Positive emotions, in turn, have been linked to well-being as in Barbara Frederickson’s broaden-and-build theory that suggests that increase in positive emotion improves cognitive abilities and relational skills, and had long term health effect measured through longevity studies (2004).

Social neuroscience found credible evidence that empathy, defined as being able to feel the pain of another in contrast to sympathy, compassion or emphatic concern, is in fact physiologically represented as automatic correlations in brain activity between the person suffering and one empathizing.

Singer and Lamm (2009, p. 81) tell us that “ consistent evidence shows that sharing the emotions of others is associated with activation in neural structures that are also active during the first-hand experience of that emotion. Part of the neural activation shared between self- and other-related experiences seems to be rather automatically activated. ”

The empathizer’s response can be amplified or inhibited depending on the context and relationship of those involved, as well as the perspective of the one who empathizes (Singer & Lamm, 2009).

This tendency also has been referred to as “ mirror neurons ” and lands significant support to the Buddhist teachings that claim that love and compassion are grounded in “ experience and in reality ” (Dalai Lama, 1997).

The role of empathy and apology in the process of forgiveness as well as their link to each other were based on the hypotheses that “ the relationship between receiving an apology from and forgiving one’s offender is a function of increased empathy for the offender ” in a study done by McCullough and colleagues (McCullough, Worthington, & Rachal, 1997).

Specifically, they presented a model of forgiveness based on the levels of empathy experienced by the victim toward the transgressor.

Interpersonal forgiveness in close relationships was defined as a motivational transformation where a person was less likely to retaliate and avoid and more inclined towards reconciliation and goodwill. Empathy toward the offending partner was found to be a key condition that facilitated forgiveness (McCullough, Worthington, & Rachal, 1997).

These findings were also consistent and supported by Gottman’s research on the role of shared history and positive attachment in the wellbeing of a close relationship (Lisitsa, 2013).

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.

Scholars from contemplative traditions, however, have raised concern for science’s reduction of emotions and mental states to mere neural activities and argued against the methodology that relies heavily on the correlates of neural activities to determine nebulous concepts such as empathy and other mental states.

The Dalai Lama reminds us about the importance of patience and tolerance when cultivating a successful practice of love and compassion and that opportunities to combat anger should be welcomed as enhancement of one’s practice.

He even suggests that one should be grateful towards the one that hurt us, although many may find that to be an advanced example of the benefit finding approach to forgiveness.

The suggestions for cultivating patience and reframing experience into gratitude towards the offender would have to be a form of “extreme” positive psychology. It is hard to imagine a person to be capable of unconditional forgiveness without introducing some form of significant spiritual practice.

Initially developed by Goldstein in 2015, the S.A.F.E. self-compassion exercise aims to ease an agitated mind.

In challenging times, this method helps shift you from automatic reactions, enabling you to accept your emotions as they occur, identify your genuine needs, and appreciate the shared human experience of your difficulties.

The S.A.F.E. acronym stands for:

• Soften : Surrender to the sensation. Inhale deeply and accept the presence of the emotion. What emotion are you experiencing? Where is it most prominent in your body?
• Allow : Accept the emotion without judgment. Inhale and exhale, embracing the feeling without resistance or attachment. Simply allow it to exist.
• Feel : Pay gentle attention to the emotion and explore your needs. Examine the feeling. What does it make you think about yourself? What does it require at this moment?
• Expand : Broaden your consciousness to include others who grapple with this emotion. Realize that you are part of a larger human experience. Everyone faces hardships and makes errors. You are not isolated in this emotional state. Let this realization bring you comfort.

Practicing gratitude has been consistently linked to greater wellbeing in a study done by Emmons and McCullough, where it was measured by mood, coping behaviors, health behaviors, physical symptoms, and overall life satisfaction appraisals (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

Positive affect had the most significant results in terms of increase but only when gratitude was practiced with greater frequency. Gratitude was found to improve overall life satisfaction and increased feelings of optimism about the future, at least in the short term.

Gratitude contributed to fewer physical health complaints when gratitude was practiced once per week. When the gratitude practice was intensified to daily exercises, there was an increase in positive affect and pro-social behavior within the two-week study, and better sleep and better close relationships with the three-week intervention.

Emmons and McCullough speculated that emotional and interpersonal benefits may be a result of a conscious focus on blessings. Intense gratitude practice increased pro-social behavior and empathy as the subjects reported the instances of helping others (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

Since gratitude has been linked to empathy and empathy was found to have implications for forgiveness, there is potential that fostering gratitude could improve one’s capacity toward forgiveness.

Therapies like Naikan focus on recalling what we have received from others, which as reflective practice is a form of gratitude.

As gratitude can be other-focused, this would imply that it can enhance a sense of greater connectedness to others, which in turn can lead to compassion and empathy, and down the road can create a fertile ground for cultivating forgiveness.

Finally, Richard Moore’s talk on the importance of gratitude in the cultivation of forgiveness is centered on gratefulness being a better approach to life in general. He believed that focus on what one has versus on what is missing can make all the difference, both in appreciation of what is as well as a form of coping mechanism with what has happened.

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The value and benefits of cultivating forgiveness are evident and start with us. Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of one’s ability to forgive others and can be a gateway to living a more fulfilled and loving life.

For more information on the benefits of forgiveness be sure to check our other articles on the topic, such as Forgiveness Exercises .

Thanks for reading and let us know below why forgiveness is important to you. I’d love to hear from you!

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Emotional Intelligence Exercises for free .

• Brown, R. P. (2003). Measuring individual differences in the tendency to forgive: Construct validity and links with depression.  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin ,  29 (6), 759-771.
• Bryan, A. O., Theriault, J. L., & Bryan, C. J. (2015). Self-forgiveness, posttraumatic stress, and suicide attempts among military personnel and veterans. Traumatology, 21 (1), 40-46.
• Dalai Lama. (1997). Healing anger: The power of patience from a Buddhist perspective. Snow Lion Publications.
• Emmons, R. A., & Mccullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,  84 (2), 377-389.
• Enright, R. D. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self‐forgiveness.  Counseling and Values ,  40 (2), 107-126.
• Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015).  Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope . American Psychological Association.
• Fredrickson, B. L. (2004). The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society of London. Series B: Biological Sciences ,  359 (1449), 1367-1377.
• Gilbert, P. (2009).  The compassionate mind . Robinson.
• Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion focused therapy: A special section.  International Journal of Cognitive Therapy, 3 (2), 95-96.
• Goldstein, E. (2015). Uncovering happiness: Overcoming depression with mindfulness and self-compassion . Simon and Schuster.
• Gueta, K. (2013). Self-forgiveness in the recovery of Israeli drug-addicted mothers: A qualitative exploration. Journal of Drug Issues, 43(4) , 450-467.
• Holmgren, M. R. (1998). Self-forgiveness and responsible moral agency.  The Journal of Value Inquiry ,  32 (1), 75-91.
• Hook, J. N., Farrell, J. E., Davis, D. E., Van Tongeren, D. R., Griffin, B. J., Grubbs, J., … & Bedics, J. D. (2015). Self-forgiveness and hypersexual behavior.  Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity ,  22 (1), 59-70.
• Lisitsa, E. (2013). An introduction to the Gottman Method of relationship therapy. The Gottman Institute.  Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/
• McCullough, M. E., Rachal, K. C., Sandage, S. J., Worthington Jr, E. L., Brown, S. W., & Hight, T. L. (1998). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships: II. Theoretical elaboration and measurement.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,  75 (6), 1586-1603.
• McCullough, M. E., Sandage, S. J., & Worthington Jr, E. L. (1997).  To forgive is human: How to put your past in the past . InterVarsity Press.
• McCullough, M. E., & Worthington Jr, E. L. (1994). Models of interpersonal forgiveness and their applications to counseling: Review and critique.  Counseling and Values ,  39 (1), 2-14.
• McCullough, M. E., Worthington Jr, E. L., & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,  73 (2), 321-336.
• McGaffin, B. J., Lyons, G. C., & Deane, F. P. (2013). Self-forgiveness, shame, and guilt in recovery from drug and alcohol problems.  Substance Abuse ,  34 (4), 396-404.
• Mudgal, S., & Tiwari, G. (2015). Self-forgiveness and life satisfaction in people living with HIV/AIDS. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, 3 (1), 101-108.
• Peterson, S. J., Van Tongeren, D. R., Womack, S. D., Hook, J. N., Davis, D. E., & Griffin, B. J. (2017). The benefits of self-forgiveness on mental health: Evidence from correlational and experimental research. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 12(2), 159-168.
• Singer, T., & Lamm, C. (2009). The social neuroscience of empathy.  Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences ,  1156 (1), 81-96.
• Squires, E. C., Sztainert, T., Gillen, N. R., Caouette, J., & Wohl, M. J. (2012). The problem with self-forgiveness: Forgiving the self deters readiness to change among gamblers.  Journal of Gambling Studies ,  28 (3), 337-350.
• Thoresen, C. E., Harris, A. H. S., & Luskin, F. (2000). Forgiveness and health: An unanswered question. In M. E. McCullough, K. I. Pargament, & C. E. Thoresen (Eds.),  Forgiveness: Theory, research, and practice  (pp. 254–280). Guilford Press.
• Toussaint, L., Barry, M., Bornfriend, L., & Markman, M. (2014). Restore: The journey toward self-forgiveness: A randomized trial of patient education on self-forgiveness in cancer patients and caregivers.  Journal of Health Care Chaplaincy ,  20 (2), 54-74.
• Toussaint, L., Kamble, S., Marschall, J. C., & Duggi, D. B. (2016). The effects of brief prayer on the experience of forgiveness: An American and Indian comparison.  International Journal of Psychology ,  51 (4), 288-295.
• Wenzel, M., Woodyatt, L., & Hedrick, K. (2012). No genuine self-forgiveness without accepting responsibility: Value reaffirmation as a key to maintaining positive self-regard. European Journal of Social Psychology ,  42 (5), 617-627.
• Witvliet, C. V. O., Ludwig, T. E., & Laan, K. L. V. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health.  Psychological Science ,  12 (2), 117-123.
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How do we forgive though? I wish this article talked more about how we can forgive rather than why it’s good.

Hi Tyrone, Thanks for reading. You raise a good point! Perhaps we’ll prepare an article about this at some point soon. But in the meantime, you can read more on the topic of how to forgive here. – Nicole | Community Manager

A well researched article full of useful information. Thankyou

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Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger — sometimes even hatred.

But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.

The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships.
• Improved mental health.
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
• Fewer symptoms of depression.
• Lower blood pressure.
• A stronger immune system.
• Improved heart health.
• Improved self-esteem.

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice.

Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present.
• Become depressed, irritable or anxious.
• Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
• Lose valuable and enriching connections with others.

How do I move toward a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to change. It takes practice. To move toward forgiveness, you might:

• Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life.
• Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive.
• Join a support group or see a counselor.
• Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them.
• Choose to forgive the person who's offended you.
• Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. If you find yourself stuck:

• Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view.
• Ask yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
• Reflect on times when others have forgiven you.
• Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
• Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. But that isn't always the case.

Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.

If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses.

You can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Remember, forgiveness is a process. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

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• Rakel D, ed. Forgiveness. In: Integrative Medicine. 4th ed. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022.
• Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022.
• Silva RS, et al. Forgiveness facilitation in palliative care: A scoping review. JBI Evidence Synthesis. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286.
• Martinez-Diaz P, et al. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. Frontiers in Psychology. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689.
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Eight keys to forgiveness, forgiveness can be incredibly difficult. robert enright explains where to start..

When another person hurts us, it can upend our lives.

Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust , or when we are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied . Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain. When we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively hobbled, and our relationships suffer.

Forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there is nothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep wounds. I would not have spent the last 30 years of my life studying forgiveness if I were not convinced of this.

Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it. Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.

Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness, adapted from my new book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness . As you read through these steps, think about how you might adapt them to your own life.

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters

Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it. It is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps that often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.

But it’s well worth the effort. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply—lies like, I am defeated or I’m not worthy . Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.

Studies have shown that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and the symptoms of PTSD. But we don’t just forgive to help ourselves. Forgiveness can lead to psychological healing, yes; but, in its essence, it is not something about you or done for you. It is something you extend toward another person, because you recognize, over time, that it is the best response to the situation.

2. Become “forgivingly fit”

More on forgiveness.

Read and watch Fred Luskin explain "What is Forgiveness?"

Read three evolutionary truths about forgiveness and revenge .

Discover how to overcome barriers to forgiveness .

How forgiving are you? Take our quiz !

Try this forgiveness practice , based on Enright's work.

To practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what I call “forgivingly fit.” Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.

You can start becoming more fit by making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You don’t have to say good things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.

You can also make a practice of recognizing that every person is unique, special, and irreplaceable. You may come to this through religious beliefs or a humanist philosophy or even through your belief in evolution. It’s important to cultivate this mindset of valuing our common humanity, so that it becomes harder to discount someone who has harmed you as unworthy.

You can show love in small ways in everyday encounters—like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking time to listen to a child. Giving love when it’s unnecessary helps to build the love muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy—extending care when someone harms you—in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at you and extend a hug instead.

Sometimes pride and power can weaken your efforts to forgive by making you feel entitled and inflated, so that you hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when you are acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead. If you need inspiration, it can help to seek out stories of mercy in the world by going to the International Forgiveness Institute website: www.internationalforgiveness.com.

3. Address your inner pain

It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.

To become clearer, you can look carefully at the people in your life—your parents, siblings, peers, spouse, coworkers, children, and even yourself—and rate how much they have hurt you. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs forgiveness in your life and provide a place to start.

There are many forms of emotional pain; but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by forgiveness; so it’s important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.

You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However you approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.

4. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy

Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.

If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try to imagine him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his life.

You may be able to put an entire narrative together for the person who hurt you—from early child through adulthood—or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either.

Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.

5. Find meaning in your suffering

When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. That doesn’t mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way.

Even as one suffers, it’s possible to develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some people begin to think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because they’ve become more resilient or brave. They may also realize that their suffering has altered their perspective regarding what is important in life, changing their long-range goals for themselves.

To find meaning is not to diminish your pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things happen for a reason. You must always take care to address the woundedness in yourself and to recognize the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will be shallow.

Still, there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. If I were to give one answer, it would be that we should use our suffering to become more loving and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.

6. When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths

Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s OK—we all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.

First remember that if you are struggling with forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.

Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in your own way. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of putting yourself down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering.

Try to develop courage and patience in yourself to help you in the journey. Also, if you practice bearing small slights against you without lashing out, you give a gift to everyone—not only to the other person, but to everyone whom that person may harm in the future because of your anger. You can help end the cycle of inflicting pain on others.

If you are still finding it hard to forgive, you can choose to practice with someone who is easier to forgive—maybe someone who hurt you in a small way, rather than deeply. Alternatively, it can be better to focus on forgiving the person who is at the root of your pain—maybe a parent who was abusive, or a spouse who betrayed you. If this initial hurt impacts other parts of your life and other relationships, it may be necessary to start there.

7. Forgive yourself

Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.

In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you might overeat or oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart toward yourself.

After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others whom you’ve harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It’s important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to forgive you and to practice patience and humility. But, a sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.

8. Develop a forgiving heart

When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.

Some people may believe that love for another who’s harmed you is not possible. But, I’ve found that many people who forgive eventually find a way to open their hearts. If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you become freed to love more widely and deeply. This kind of transformation can create a legacy of love that will live on long after you’re gone.

About the Author

Robert Enright

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Largest Compilation of Structured Essays and Exams

Essay on Forgiveness | Why it is Important in Our Life?

February 22, 2018 by Study Mentor Leave a Comment

People generally return evil for evil but the noble and most effective kind of revenge is to return good for evil.

If the wrong doer is paid back in his own coin, the gulf between the two parties will widen more and a thirst for revenge will make both of them restless while if good is returned for evil the wrong doer will be filled with shame and remorse and his heart is likely to yearn for his enemy’s forgiveness.

But there are exceptions to this theory where some people cannot be moved by this noble gesture, because they do not understand the underlying nobility in it, and rather take it for weakness on the part of the opponent and become more aggressive in their efforts.

In spite of what can be discussed on the issue from various angles, it is true that forgiveness is nobler than revenge.  

History has been the witness to many such incidents where the act of forgiveness has worked wonders.

There have been many such noble men who taught people to chivalry that lies in the act of forgiveness and practiced it themselves too.  

Table of Contents

Example of forgiveness

Nelson mandela .

Former South African leader Nelson Mandela was sent to prison in 1963 on charges of trying to sabotage the nation’s government, which advocated a policy called apartheid that treated people of different races differently (Mandela advocated a democratic society in which all people would be treated equally).

Mandela spent the next twenty seven years in prison, but after he was released in 1990, he forgave the people who had imprisoned him.

Mandela later became South Africa’s president and delivered speeches internationally in which he urged people to forgive each other because forgiveness is God’s plan and therefore always the right thing to do.  

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi  was known as the father of the nation. He was the one who taught us to fight back but through a path of peace and not violence.

Revenge through forgiveness and not through violence. He said when someone slaps you in one cheek give your second cheek to him.

So that he is filled with remorse. He said never to reply violence with violence. Instead reply violence with love. This will teach the wrong doer a lesson. Gandhiji didn’t curse the person who had shot him.

Even at that moment when he was hit by bullet he didn’t utter a word of hatred. Instead he uttered “hey ram”. This shows the amount of kindness and forgiveness one has to bear in one’s heart.  

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa was the epitome of forgiveness. Once there was an incident where Mother Teresa approached a wealthy shopkeeper near Kalighat area to ask for some money to help the leper that she found on the roads.

She held out her hands asking some help. The shopkeeper just spat on her hand and shooed her off.

She was asking help for others and not for herself; still she got treated in that way. She went away from there without uttering a word.

Later when she had established herself that same shopkeeper showed up and asked for forgiveness as at that time he didn’t know who she was. She forgave him immediately without a second thought.  

Jesus Christ

He is one of the biggest instance of forgivers that we ever came across. Jesus Christ not only preached forgiveness but also set an example for us to follow.

His story of forgiveness is famous worldwide. When he was taken on the cross, and being nailed to it even at that time he kept on praying for his wrong doers.

When he was left to starve he raised his head to the sky and said “father please forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”.

He forgave all of his wrong doers even though they were responsible for his tragic death. His kindness and forgiveness lead the wrong doers to rethink about their action and feel remorse.

It is at that time that they realized what a sin they have committed.  

These are a few examples of famous men and women who have created instances for centuries to follow.

What they have achieved at that age to hard to achieve but we can always try to better ourselves keeping them in mind and making them our ideal role models.  

But there has been some instance where a person didn’t understand the meaning of forgiveness and took it to be a sign of weakness of his opponent.

In that case he became more aggressive and more persistent in his efforts. And this ultimately leads to his downfall. Such people are shame on the society.

They lack the basic humanity. That is the reason why they fail to recognize an act of forgiveness.  

History has been witness of such people as well for example  – Adolf Hitler .

Adolf Hitler was the most hated person every in history. He was responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent lives. People didn’t revolt against his power.

He took it for granted. He kept on living Jews as much as he could. There was no end to his torture. He kept on thinking the common people to be weak and kept on exercising his wrong deeds.

The more lives he slaughtered the more daring and sinful he became. But what was the result? Ultimately it leads to his downfall. He couldn’t survive.

One day or other you have to fall when you are overburdened by your wrong deeds. His major downfall was such that he had to shoot himself by his own hands.   

Such terrible are stories of people who have ignored the acts of forgiveness shown to them and have continued in their rampant brustalistic approaches with hatred and sin.  

Conclusion  

A true act of forgiveness has never excited violence or hatred in return. It has always returned love and remorse in the part of the wrong doer.

We can correct the wrongs and change the wrong doer for life by such a virtue.

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Importance Of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a noble human trait that makes you a better and an invaluable human being. Whether you receive or give forgiveness, it lightens your heart, and fills it with gratitude. When you don’t forgive a person, it occupies a rented space in your heart and stays with you till you forgive them. The grudges that you hold in your heart makes you rigid. Only when you release all those past emotions, you can become free, and becomes one with your own nature. Let us know more about the importance of forgiveness .

You may feel that forgiveness is an act that show you weak. Due to pride, and ego, you resist the thought of forgiving the person. You need to know if you value your ego, and self-pride over your very nature i.e., compassion, then the resentment inside you, will eat you up. You can’t be free from that bitterness, and anger. There is no sense of carrying the feeling of hatred, and antipathy with you throughout your life. Forgiveness help you feel free from the pent-up emotions. It makes you soft, and pure and that is your very nature!

It has also been proved, that any disease, be it a mental ailment, or a physical ailment, it starts in your mind. When you hold grudges, or resentment against someone, it will impact your entire body. Sooner, or later, it will show up in some form of a disease. In other words, your inability to forgive due to your ego, and pride, will ultimately harm your body. When you forgive someone, it works like erasing all negativeness that you have been holding against them.

It is not always that others hurt us, sometimes we also hurt others knowingly or unknowingly. In this case also forgiveness is important. When we hurt others, then it fills our heart with guilt and that turns into sadness. You start to feel that you are not a good person. Such feeling is also damaging for your health. You need to get freed from it. Along with asking the other person to forgive you, it is equally important to forgive yourself. Take it as a learning and move ahead. However, don’t take it as an excuse to keep repeating the mistake again and again and forgiving yourself.

If you are afraid of going to the person and ask for forgiveness, then you can even do it in your thoughts. We all are connected to each other on the soul level. When you think positive about others, it reaches to them, and vice versa. So, when you think that you have done wrong to anybody, then sit in a relaxed state, close your eyes, and remember that person. Now ask them to forgive for all the hurt that you have caused to them. Your sincere apology will reach to them, and their soul will forgive you. In this way, you will get freed from the guilt.

In the same way, if you are hurt by someone, then you can forgive them if they come to you, or do it on the thought level for your open happiness. Remember them and feel that you have forgiven them and have no negative feelings towards them.

The act of forgiveness shows that you love yourself more than anyone else. To protect your own mental and physical state, there is no other way than forgiveness. Practice the skill of empathy, and seek forgiveness for others, and for yourself from time to time. In terms of spirituality, when you don’t forget yourself, and accumulate the feeling of anger for others, you take on bad karma. You need to suffer for those sins later on in your life. Forgiveness is one such act that release you from the bad feelings towards anyone, and prevents you from accumulating any sins. Look the world from a higher perspective.

Don’t associate wrongdoings with the person. Remember that “As you sow, so shall you reap”. See the other person as just a medium to give you the same experience of suffering that you may have caused to someone else in your past. Be grateful for him that he made you suffer and released you from sins. Don’t accumulate more sins by holding grudges against them.

Also read: Importance of respect in life

Forgive everyone. It clears your mind, frees your soul, reduces burden, breaks the patterns of negative thoughts, and preserves your kindness from getting ruined. If you love yourself, put your ego aside, and learn to forgive people. It is also what one of our most revered saints, “Lord Mahavira” has preached. So, practice forgiveness to lead a peaceful, and happier life.

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness: a critical part of relationships, asking for and accepting forgiveness is critical in any relationship..

Posted March 30, 2024 | Reviewed by Ray Parker

• The Importance of Forgiveness
• Find a therapist near me
• Without love, there can be no forgiveness.
• Forgiveness isn't forgetting the hurt or excusing the offender but letting go of resentment.
• Assertive approaches to communication can facilitate constructive dialogue and resolution.
• Practical tips include asking open-ended questions, actively listening, and appreciating a partner's efforts.

Asking for forgiveness is the responsibility of every sinner, and accepting it the obligation of each victim. —Elie Wiesel, cited by S. Dean (2006)

Forgiveness is a term we often use without considering its ramifications for our relationships. If we didn’t forgive in our lives, our relationships with our parents, relatives, and significant others would likely have faltered or even collapsed. Yet, it is difficult to forgive someone who has harmed you or a loved one. It’s also difficult to move beyond a traumatic event if some degree of forgiveness has not been issued. As Elie Wiesel (1928-2016) reminds us, giving and receiving forgiveness is critical for any healthy relationship. Let's examine three facets of forgiveness in relationships: forgiveness is grounded in love, the value of assertive communication, and practical ways to improve dialogue.

Forgiveness Is Grounded in Love

Forgiveness is a process in which partners choose to heal their spiritual and psychological wounds. It can have deep implications for relationships at the spiritual level:

"Forgiveness is a process of purposeful action in which one ceases to feel resentment against another who is perceived by the 'victim' as having wronged them with injury that penetrated their soul." (Beverley, 2004/2008)

In other words, people forgive others because they are vested in relationships with them. They understand the importance of forgiving and then moving on with life without perseveration on the past. Beverley (2004/2008) goes on to mention that forgiveness does not involve forgetting injury, releasing offenders from accountability, or self-sacrifice.

Assertive Communication

In any relationship, partners must learn how to convey their deepest feelings and concerns in a respectful way that provides both voices with a safe space. That is no easy task. Assertive communication is an approach to relational dialogue that can empower couples to talk while respecting each other’s perspective—a critical element when seeking forgiveness.

Assertive communication entails balancing openness to other views with the courage to express deeply held beliefs, feelings, or desires. Abramowitz (2021), a researcher of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), sets assertive approaches apart from others (e.g., passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive ) because they are constructive for relationships.

Assertiveness is the most supportive way to communicate with your loved one because it involves expressing that you genuinely understand his distress, but also that you intend to guide him toward better managing OCD-related anxiety . You make it clear that you are confident in his ability to manage distress without going on the attack or demanding that he change his behavior. This reduces conflict (in the long-run), validates your loved ones’ struggles, and improves his (and your own) self-esteem .

Put another way, partners who respect each other while expressing their concerns can often move forward in their relationships by resolving tough issues at their sources.

Practical Ways to Improve Your Relationship

My wife and I have discovered, through many ups and downs, that focusing on the quality of our dialogue is an essential part of developing our relationship. Over the years, we have used journaling, behavior tracking, and learning audits to examine our personal blind spots, prejudices, and harmful thought habits that impede constructive communication (Culkin & Culkin, 2021). Quality dialogue in relationships entails partners communicating deeply held beliefs, feelings, and concerns to one another.

A way to incorporate quality dialogue in conversations is by asking your partner insightful questions with a compassionate heart and receptive ears. Some comments or questions to consider:

• Today, I learned something about you/us I haven’t known.
• Help me understand why you’re angry. What is your perspective?
• I noticed you’re not looking at me when you talk. How can I help with your concerns?
• I saw you cleaned the closet this morning and put my jackets in an easy-to-reach place. Thank you. I appreciate you. How can I reciprocate?

We examined the value of forgiveness in relationships in terms of love, assertive communication, and practical ways to improve dialogue.

How are you cultivating a sense of forgiveness and gratefulness in your relationships?

Abramowitz, J. (2021). The Family Guide to Getting Over OCD . The Guilford Press.

Beverley, J. (2004/2008). Creating Loving Relationships: Living a Life of Authenticity . Aurora Canyon.

Culkin, D., & Culkin, M. (2021). OCD and Marriage: Pathways to Reshaping Your Lives Together . Specialty Press, Inc.

Dean, S. (2006, May 24). Wiesel Stresses Forgiveness . Deseret Morning News. https://www.deseret.com

David Culkin, Ph.D., is a professional educator and co-author of OCD and Marriage.

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Tiny Love Stories: ‘Another Attempt to Make Life Better’

Modern Love in miniature, featuring reader-submitted stories of no more than 100 words.

‘Can You Fix It by Prom, Mom?’

I lifted tiers of tulle off the dressing room carpet and sighed heavily. “Every layer must be hemmed,” I said. “Can you fix it by prom, Mom?” she pleaded softly. I winced. For 20 months, I’d watched our three children shoulder disappointments since toxic mold invaded our home and we were forced to move into trailers in our backyard. Another deep breath. Another attempt to make life better. We bought the dress. I grabbed shears, then trimmed an even strip. Finding forgiveness in her smile, I hoped this memory would eclipse the others. — Carol Morgan Milberger

Mom’s Acknowledgment

For years, Mom referred to James as “tu amigo.” I confronted her about the way she dismissed our relationship. “He’s not just a friend, Ma. We live together.” She admitted that she hadn’t been sure what to call him. Dating someone for that long was new for me, too. “Just say his name,” I offered. Now, 15 years in, she sends greeting cards that read “For Both of You.” And with her pen, she underlines the sentiments that catch her eye: English words like “happiness,” “wonderful” and — most important to me — “couple.” — Erasmo Guerra

One Pound, Four Ounces — and 1,200 Miles

Nicole weighed one pound, four ounces at birth. So tiny, her father’s wedding ring fit around her arm, like a bracelet. Doctors gave a five percent chance of survival. “But Nicole came into NICU kicking,” recalled Sue, her nurse and my sister. “She was a fighter.” Sue cared for her for 107 days, checking in even during days off. Today, Nicole is a 26-year-old athlete and nurse. The two reunited last fall when Sue traveled 1,200 miles for Nicole’s big day. “I’d seen a wedding ring on her arm,” Sue said. “Now I wanted to see one on her finger.” — Mindi Ellis

A Match Made in Parental Heaven

My parents spotted Joe at a friend’s summer barbecue. “Go talk to him,” they urged. I did. We chatted briefly until someone interrupted us. Three weeks later, I joined friends at a party held — surprise! — at Joe’s house. His mother bee-lined over: What was my name? Where did I live? I told her. “That’s two miles from my son.” Unaware we had already met, she called him over. “Ask her out for drinks,” she said. “No. Drinks and dinner.” The next week, we started dating. Three years later, we married. Our parents lived happily ever after. — Kathy Shiels Tully

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Tales About Love to Nourish Your Soul

The Cost of the American Dream:   A physical relationship is nearly impossible  for a hard-working Bangladeshi taxi driver and his wife, who longed for each other.

Who Is Trusted to Have a Child?:  A married gay man and emergency pediatrician wrestle with expectations of having a “traditional” family life .

A Fetish for a Second Skin: As a gay Korean American, he yearned for the privilege of being heterosexual or white. So he began wearing latex , a new skin.

The Slap That Changed Everything: She kept trying to laugh off and normalize sexual aggression by men. Eventually, it all caught up to her .

Seeking a Lover, Not a Nurse: Disability shouldn’t make someone undesirable  or impractical as a romantic partner.

Two Kisses We Never Talked About: Sometimes you really have to show up for your ex. This was one of those times .

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Debunking the 401(k) doomsday predictions.

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Is your 401(k) doomed to the same fate as this poor piggy bank? Or is sensationalism stirring up ... [+] more questions and concerns than necessary? Speak to an advisor today to discuss your individual situation.

In recent weeks, a series of sensational headlines have captured the public's attention, casting doubt on the future of 401(k) retirement plans. Headlines like “Your 401(k) Might Retire Before You Do” and “To Save Social Security, They May Come For Your 401(k)” have contributed to a sense of unease among investors and future retirees.

The barrage of alarming headlines has not only stirred concern but also sparked confusion about the stability and longevity of 401(k) plans. At the heart of this discourse is a controversial proposal outlined in a white paper from Boston College, which has become an overblown focal point for critics and supporters alike.

The white paper in question, titled “The Case for Using Subsidies for Retirement Plans to Fix Social Security,” presents a bold proposition: redirecting subsidies from retirement plans, like the 401(k) and IRA, to bolster the Social Security system. The authors, Andrew G. Biggs of the American Enterprise Institute and Alicia H. Munnell of Boston College’s Carroll School of Management, argue that such a shift could address looming shortfalls in Social Security funding, supposedly ensuring its viability for future generations.

“Tax expenditures for employer-sponsored retirement plans…appear to be a very bad deal for taxpayers,” conclude the authors. They go on to state, “Ultimately, reducing tax expenditures for retirement plans could be an effective way to help address other pressing demands on the federal budget, such as Social Security’s financing shortfall.”

While the proposal reads as an academic exercise rooted in theory, it has ignited a disproportionately large, speculative debate about the potential consequences for individual retirement planning and the broader financial ecosystem. The problem with the subsequent clickbait and false fear around this academic proposal, of course, is that it is not rooted in any sort of practical reality. And frankly, framing it as a serious movement or pending policy matter is irresponsible.

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Real 401(k) Solutions In Action

Despite the overblown speculation surrounding the potential dismantling of 401(k) tax advantages, the popularity and impact of 401(k) retirement plans on the financial well-being of millions of Americans cannot be overlooked. According to the Investment Company Institute, 401(k) plans hold $6.9 trillion in assets as of September 30, 2023, in more than 710,000 plans. They benefit about 70 million active participants and millions of former employees and retirees, underscoring the substantial role that 401(k) plans play in shaping the retirement savings landscape.

Furthermore, the commitment to enhancing 401(k) plans is evident in the proactive measures taken by employers to provide greater financial flexibility to their employees. The 2022: The Next Evolution of DC Plans Survey by Willis Towers Watson reveals that employers are redirecting contributions, increasing default contributions, and expanding compensation options for contributions.

The survey also highlights the intention of a significant percentage of employers to adopt innovative contribution strategies, allowing participants to receive a 401(k) match on amounts directed towards specific financial goals. This approach not only promotes financial wellness but also aligns with the evolving needs of employees in managing their overall financial security.

WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 5: President Joe Biden speaks during a meeting with his Competition Council ... [+] in the State Dining Room of the White House on March 5, 2024 in Washington, DC. Biden announced new economic measures during the meeting. (Photo by Nathan Howard/Getty Images)

Moreover, recent bipartisan legislative initiatives, including the Secure 2.0 Act , demonstrate a concerted effort to address the challenges of "leakage" in 401(k) plans. The focus on reducing friction and plugging existing leaks, particularly from small 401(k) accounts, underscores the commitment to safeguarding individuals' retirement security. The "auto portability" initiative, launched by six major administrators of 401(k)-type plans, further emphasizes the industry's dedication to reconnecting individuals with their retirement savings, ensuring that their long-term financial well-being remains a top priority.

These real 401(k) solutions in action reflect a collaborative and forward-thinking approach aimed at strengthening retirement security and fortifying the long-term viability of 401(k) retirement plans. The combined efforts of employers, policymakers, and industry leaders underscore a commitment to providing employees with the necessary tools and resources to achieve their long-term financial goals despite the speculative discourse surrounding the future of retirement planning.

The Importance Of Participant Education And Rational Discourse

It’s important to distinguish between clickbait headlines designed to provoke anxiety and the nuanced realities of retirement planning. While discussions about reforming Social Security and retirement savings are necessary, they must be grounded in factual analysis and a clear understanding of the implications for individuals and the economy.

Employees' savings priorities can be influenced from the top down. More efforts should be focused on ... [+] empowering and encouraging employees with the tools and education they need to improve retirement outcomes.

Employers should be on the frontlines educating plan participants and arming them with the tools needed to utilize these accounts confidently. Employees should feel comfortable contacting their employers with questions about their retirement plans’ benefits and how they can fully utilize the benefits and features available to them. Employers should direct employees to the plans’ financial advisor for questions and guidance about their investment needs. Similarly, financial professionals – particularly personal financial advisors and 401(k) plan advisors – should be vigilant and proactive in separating fact from fiction.

The debate surrounding the future of 401(k) plans and Social Security is complex and laden with varying opinions and proposals. While the sensational headlines and controversial white papers contribute to the discourse, it's crucial to approach the subject with a balanced perspective.

There is undoubtedly a need for thoughtful discussion and comprehensive solutions. With that said, it's essential to focus on creating a sustainable future for retirement planning that serves the interests of all stakeholders without resorting to alarmist narratives or undermining the financial security of millions of Americans.

Brian Menickella is the founder and managing partner at Beacon Financial Services , a broad-based financial advisory firm based in Wayne, PA.

Securities and Advisory services offered through LPL Financial, a registered investment advisor. Member FINRA / SIPC .

This material was created for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as ERISA, tax, legal or investment advice.

Each plan has unique requirements, and you should consult your attorney or tax advisor for guidance on your specific situation. In no way does advisor assure that, by using the information provided, plan sponsor will be in compliance with ERISA regulations.

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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Forgiveness — The Importance of Forgiveness (in 100 Words)

The Importance of Forgiveness (in 100 Words)

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Published: Mar 17, 2023

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