essay about living together before marriage

Cohabitation Before Marriage Essay

Cohabitation in marriage is a situation where two people decide to live together before they are legally married. This situation is most prevalent commonly in young people who want to escape the pressures of everyday life. This arrangement has got its own merits and demerits. In most cases, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. This condition is not only applicable to young people but also to elder people who, in one way or the other, find themselves in a situation where they have to compromise. This situation has been compounded by the fact that we live in a society where moral values have become a thing of the past. Cohabiting before marriage is also called come we stay. Many people prefer this to legal marriage, but I beg to differ. (Kamp ,2003)

One of the many disadvantages of cohabiting is that in this condition, you are never sure of your partner’s next move. This is due to the fact that there is no binding bond between the two of you. In an ordinary marriage setting, the legal aspects of the marriage are well taken care of in such a way that if anything happened to one of the partners, then there would be no scenarios that would make the other partner miserable. There has been situations where when one partner dies there arise disputes about custody. This is more so, especially where the husband passes away without having left behind a legal document to prove that the woman he was living with was his rightful wife. (Stanley, 2004)

Another disadvantage for cohabiting is that you don’t feel that you have ownership of your partner. In many societies before marriage, you have to pay dowry. This makes you to be recognized by every side of the families unlike the come we stay scenario where in most cases no one knows that you are even staying together. In rare cases this has led to some cases where people have been known to be killed by their partners and legal action couldn’t be taken since no one knew that they were living together at the time. (Kamp ,2003)

There are many other disadvantages for cohabiting before marriage, but the other major one I would like to highlight is the cause of broken families. It’s a proven fact that many of this come we stay arrangements do not last. When a marriage breaks, it also leaves one heartbroken, and this is a cause of great misery and suffering. This has also led to the increase of single parents. This leaves one (especially the mother) on their own to bring up the children. This has impacted on our society negatively. Recent studies show that children brought up to single parents are more lawless than children from a functional family.( Cohan & Kleinbaum,2002)

The only advantage of cohabitation before marriage is that it gives you a chance to get to know your partner well before you get to make the lifetime devotion to stay with them. Many people have been known to break up amicably after realizing that they are better off living apart than being married. This can only be achieved if you live with someone over a time and learn them. (Bumpass & Lu,2000)

It’s only fair that people go for the right way of marriage since the merits outweigh the demerits. This will help bring order to our society when families become more functional. This will also cut down on the government’s expenditure in raising children in care centers whose parents parted ways after disagreeing.

List of References

Bumpass, L. L., & Lu, H. H. (2000). Trends in cohabitation and implications for children s family contexts in the United States. Population Studies , 54 , 29–41.

Cohan, C. L., & Kleinbaum, S. (2002). Toward a greater understanding of the cohabitation effect: Premarital cohabitation and marital communication. Journal of Marriage and Family , 64 , 180–192.

Kamp Dush, C. M., Cohan, C. L., & Amato, P. R. (2003). The relationship between cohabitation and marital quality and stability: Change across cohorts? Journal of Marriage and Family , 65 , 539–549.

Stanley, S. M., Whitton, S. W., & Markman, H. J. (2004). Maybe I do: Interpersonal commitment and premarital or nonmarital cohabitation . Journal of Family Issues , 25 , 496–519.

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Should You Live Together Before Marriage? Real Talk From Experts

Say hello to your new roomie.

But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. As with most relationship issues, when it comes to deciding whether you should cohabitate before marriage, it all depends on the individuals involved. So to help you weigh the pros and cons, I chatted with two relationship experts. Here’s what to know.

Living together before marriage definitely comes with some advantages.

“Going from living on your own terms to sharing a place with someone can be simultaneously fun and extraordinarily challenging,” says Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., a sex and relationships expert in NYC. “Sharing a space can bring up a lot of issues and put your relationship to the test: You get a crash course in cooperation, negotiation, your ability to put someone's needs and tastes above or equal to your own. These are all relationship experiences that you should have prior to getting married.”

Megan Fleming, Ph.D., an NYC-based sex and relationship therapist, agrees, adding that living with someone and spending nearly 24/7 with them means you'll have a chance to really, truly see their priorities and values, as well as how those line up with yours . It’s like a practice run for what your everyday life might be like if you do decide to get married down the road.

Another important point it brings up: how you align on the topic of sex. “It gives you a sense of how attuned you are to each others’ sexual needs , in terms of both frequency and quality,” Fleming says. “Sex is a small part of a relationship when it’s going well. When it’s not going well, it’s a big part of a relationship.”

One study also shows that people who cohabitated with their S.O. self-reported higher physical and mental health than those who didn’t live with their lover (married couples also reported higher health) . So check off the box for cohabitors being happier with their bodies and mind, too.

What are the disadvantages of living together before marriage?

Levkoff doesn't list any major cons to cohabitating with your partner pre-marriage—she’s a big proponent. But Fleming mentions that marriage usually means more of a commitment than living together, which likely translates to people putting in more of an effort with that level of loyalty compared to simply sharing a shelter.

On the other hand, when you’re dating and you do start to intertwine your lives by moving in together, it’s more difficult to break it off if you need to, Fleming says. This could be one of the reasons research shows that although living with your partner before marriage leads to more success in the first year, down the line, it can actually increase the risk of divorce .

Researchers aren’t sure why this is, but Fleming says it could be that after you move in together, you may realize it’s too tough to cut ties, so you get married instead. Years later, you might decide it’s not for you and bam, divorce . So the key to avoiding divorce down the line could be figuring out your level of commitment to the relationship even before you share a front door.

Fleming also says this research could be outdated, particularly since it’s more acceptable nowadays to live with your partner before marriage than it was years ago (although the research was published in 2018, it's based on data from 1970 to 2015). So many factors play into these divorce rates, too—including age, religion, whether it’s your first marriage, whether you lived with someone before, and so on.

And to top off the confusion on the science, the research looks at the success of a marriage as simply staying together, when of course what really matters is happiness in the marriage , Fleming says.

“Statistics can be helpful in some ways, but really, you have to know yourself,” says Fleming. “Relationships are an effort, so you have to work at it,” whether you’re living together sans rings or married.

Is there anything else I should know before deciding to live with my partner?

Well, you might want to have a convo about why each of you wants to move in together, Levkoff says.

“ It's always important to know if you are on the same page ," she adds. "And if you are not, at least you can manage your own expectations accordingly."

Bring up the convo as soon as you feel ready and you’re up for the discussion. It doesn’t necessarily matter how long you’ve been together (though, LBH, month one seems a little early)—just as long as you feel ready to talk about it. You can also make it super-casual, asking things like, “Have you ever lived with someone?” or “Have you ever wanted to live with someone?” These Qs will at least start the discussion.

Keep in mind, you likely want to consider living together a true commitment—a pledge from both parties that you’re in this relationship and ready to work on it—rather than a convenience, says Fleming. In other words, don’t let your bank account drive your decision to cohabitate . “It’s more important to make your decision based on your partner, rather than rent,” Fleming says.

You might also want to chat about a few things before you sign that lease, like your individual expectations of a shared living space—things like who might need more alone time or privacy (say, if you’re an introvert and your partner is not), as well as cleanliness (a common source of tension).

The goal for these discussions: Figure out your non-negotiables—what you can deal with on the daily, and what might lead to a break up , says Fleming.

Ask yourself, “What do I want from my partner and my life?” And then talk to your partner about your answer to figure out if you envision your futures playing out similarly. “You want to help each other grow as a couple, but also as individuals,” Fleming adds. To do that, you need to devote more time and energy to making things work, rather than just moving in together on a whim and seeing how things go.

So, should you live together before marriage?

Ultimately, experts say you and your partner should just do you, because everyone is different.

Just remember: A shared roof may not take the place of a marriage license, says Levkoff. “Moving in shouldn't be a replacement for marriage, if marriage is what you want. It should be a stepping stone,” she explains. That means if someone is saying yes to living together just to put off marriage talks, that doesn’t necessarily bode well for the future. So talk about it.

Moving in with someone, especially if you both have hopes of getting married, is all about blending your lives and bringing together things you both enjoy—creating a “couple identity,” as Levkoff says. So just make sure everyone is on the same page about what the next step means, before you sign the housing papers .

Mallory Creveling, an ACE-certified personal trainer and RRCA-certified run coach, joined the Runner's World and Bicycling team in August 2021. She has more than a decade of experience covering fitness, health, and nutrition. As a freelance writer, her work appeared in Women's Health, Self, Men's Journal, Reader's Digest, and more. She has also held staff editorial positions at Family Circle and Shape magazines, as well as DailyBurn.com . A former New Yorker/Brooklynite, she's now based in Easton, PA.

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Living Together before Marriage

Updated 19 August 2021

Subject Love

Downloads 30

Category Family ,  Life

Topic Divorce ,  Marriage ,  Relationship

The shift is unavoidable in this day and era. The complexities of a marriage and partnerships have also evolved over time. Around 50 years ago, there was a very negative mentality about the way partnerships, families and divorce were discussed. That mentality has not changed, and today there is a much more reserved attitude about the manner in which these matters are preceded (McNulty et al 2016). Another subject that has lately attracted interest is the question of live-in partnerships. Couples, who are planning on getting married someday, should cohabitate first because it will provide a better perspective about their partner, get them accustomed to each other’s lifestyle, and change in the gender role. Personally, I prefer that people who want to get married should live together first so that they could get to know what they are getting themselves into and if they are ready for it. Ideally, there are views both in favor and against this idea of life in relationships but I think that cohabitating before marriage outweighs all arguments against this. (Berrington, 2015). The first reason is that living together before marriage is the fundamental test. It is at this time that people who want to be married get to understand if they can still love each other even after acknowledging that it is not going to be a joy ride. The love that people have for each other will be tested fully when they live together before marriage. Most of the times, in any prospective romantic relationship, it is tough to have an idea about the way that partner is going to turn out (McNulty et al 2016). Marriage is pretty much like a legal contract, and they proceed in such a long-term commitment with someone just by few meetings is somewhat a huge gamble (Berrington, 2015). On the other hand, if two people live together for a considerable period, then there is a likelihood that they would get to know each other at a more personal level (McNulty et al. 2016). Not only, but they would also be sure that how that other partner is going to turn out if something does not go right at every level. The statistics have also shown that that person who goes into marriage straightaway after romantic relationships, the divorce rate is higher by about 30 % in those cases. On the other hand, couples that know each other are much likely to stay together (Berrington, 2015). The other aspect that has to be taken into consideration is the fact that how committed people are into the relationship (McNulty et al, 2016). These days, the level of commitment that is going to be witnessed among each of the partners might vary. Thus, if one person jumps into the marriage while the other one is not comfortable with it is the critical fact that is needed to be taken into the reckoning (McNulty et al 2016). When the level of commitment is not the same in both the partners, then there is a likelihood that the marriage is not going to work out. Having a better understanding of your partner is one of the prime reasons to which marriage or long-term commitment must be done after living together for a while (Berrington, 2015). The second reason is that people who live together before marriage form a stronger bond as a team thus will be able to plan their future. They will be able to plan their careers, relationship, and financial system together. This will give them the experience and wisdom of how to raise a family if they end up getting married. Through this, both of them will be able to understand each others’ priorities and values and if it aligns with theirs before getting married. Once you start living with that person, you realize how the spend the rest of the day (McNulty). Some people might be charismatic when one gets to spend a short amount of time with them, but once that initial phase is over, persons/partners personality may become more reserved in the relationship (Berrington, 2015). As the relationship evolves, one becomes more aware of their partners values, beliefs, and goals. For instance, how soon they want the kids to happen, or whether they want kids at all (Rhoades). When people are living together, they can develop an insight about the way this relationship is going to work and what is the perspective of people with regards to the way things are going to be working out.The third reason is that a couple’s passion and intimacy life will be tested before getting married. Couples will get to understand more if they will be comfortable with each other and can be able to plan if they can be able to have babies in the future.Argument supporting living together before marriageAn April issue of the Journal of marriage and family that was presented early to the Council involving contemporary families’ states that recent studies have wrongly overstated that living together before marriage triggers divorce highly. An assistant professor at the University of Carolina, Arielle Kuperberg supports cohabitation by arguing that living together does not really result to divorce in marriage later on. The professor goes ahead to say that it depends on what age the couple decided to start living together. It, therefore, suggests that people that used to live together but got divorced after marriage are the ones who did not choose compatible partners who are suitable for them. This is in contrast to what the US Attorney Legal services which says that couples that lived together before have a 49% chance of getting divorced while those that never lived together have a 20% chance. Basically, divorce can be influenced by many factors like career. Careers, like dancing and bartending record the highest rate of divorce therefore living together, does not primarily mean that your marriage will end up in divorce.When people are dating each other, they only meet for a limited amount of time, and during that phase, they tend to be presentable which is not the case most of the times when they are living in the vicinity of their homes (Berrington, 2015). Research proves that when you are conversating to someone you like, everything from your body language and the tone of your voice changes (Boyce, 2016). That is not going to be a case when one person is living with their partner for a more extended period because it is going to allow for better reflection of that person (McNulty). Things are bound to change when people start to live together. For instance, how organized the person is when it comes to the daily chores, how are the financials and the living style of the person (Berrington). These are the little thing that might not matter if one is meeting for a brief period (Boyce, 2016). The greater the level of communication is, the greater the likelihood that the marriage is going to be successfull (Boyce et al, 2016). If these things are not cleared out, they might cause unnecessary expectation on each other. Communication is an important part of understanding in the marriage process (Boyce, 2016). With the passage of time, there has been a definitive change in the way gender roles are defined. Previously, women were content to stay home, and they had no career aspirations at that point in time (Boyce et al, 2016). Now, more and more women are entering the professional field. There are two reasons for it: One is the fact that the inflation rates and other factors have prompted women to come into the professional arena (Rhoades, 2015). Their communication is needed in order to maintain a sustainable lifestyle. The other factor is the rise in the wave of the feminism (Boyce et al, 2016). People are becoming more and more aware of the facts that there is no need for stereotyping of the genders. As women are entering the professional fray, they form new relationships, and, as they move away from home and to another city, those relationships are not lasting. In the early age, the preference for them is not to settle down, and instead, work towards a more prosperous and sustainable career. At times, men are not comfortable with their women working they prefer for their wives to be a homemaker (Boyce ).Modern women on the other hand, are not comfortable staying home (Boyce ). It is important that these conversations are held on a regular basis because and these concerns are needed to be addressed before one goes into a marriage (Rhoades). Marriage is a long-term commitment, and divorce is something that is much harder to get away from versus cohabitating (Boyce). The church will argue that marriage is a lifelong commitment and should not to be dissolved or broken. Commitment means being determined that the couples will stick it out no matter what the future brings. When there is an agreement without commitment it is easy to give up. When there is a commitment ahead of time, you hang-tough through good times and the bad and don't bail out at the first sign of trouble. According to the Bible in the New International Version, Eph. 5:31 it states that a man shall leave his parents and he shall become one with his wife. In Romans 7:2-3, the Bible also says that a husband must not divorce his wife Vis a Vis.In hindsight, it can be seen that the idea of living together before marriage is a good one in current day and time (Rhoades, 2015). The dynamics of relationships are changing at a very rapid pace, with mass urbanization, the rise of feminism as a force at the global level are some of the few reasons that gender dynamics have changed. This change is one of the main reasons why people in relationships should live together before deciding to tie the knot. ConclusionIn conclusion, cohabitation or living together does not necessarily lead to divorce like most arguments say. I, therefore, support that people should live together before getting married.Works CitedBerrington, Ann, BriennaPerelli-Harris, and Paulina Trevenna. “Commitment and the changing sequence of cohabitation, childbearing and marriage: Insights from qualitative research in the UK. “ Demographic Research 33 (2015): 327.Bible. New International version. Grand Rapids: Zondervan House, 1984. Print.Boyce, Christopher J.,Alex M. Wood, and Eamon Ferguson. “For better of for worse: The moderating effects of personality on the marriage- life satisfaction link. “ Personality and individual differences 97 (2016):61-66.McNulty, James K., Carolyn A.Wenner, and Terri D. Fisher.”Longitudinal associations among relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and frequency of sex in early marriage.” Archives of sexual behavior 45.1 (2016):85-97.Rhoades, Galena K., et al. “Can marriage education mitigate the risks associated with premarital cohabitation?.” Journal of Family Psychology 29.3 (2015):500.

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Living Together Before Marriage

Here's what to consider before moving in together

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

Verywell / Theresa Chiechi

• Reasons Couples Live Together
• Factors to Consider
• Potential Effects
• Pros and Cons

Living together before marriage was once considered taboo; however, it has become more common and accepted over time. If you’ve been seeing your partner and things are going well, moving in together may cross your mind.

Moving in with your partner is a significant step because it marks a major progression in the relationship, says Sabrina Romanoff , PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.

At a Glance

Living together before marriage is common for many couples, but there are important pros and cons to consider. Cohabitating can help you get to know one another more and figure out if you are truly compatible, but moving in together for the wrong reasons can lead to bigger problems down the road. Keep reading to learn more about some factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage and some potential advantages and disadvantages of this arrangement.

Reasons for Living Together Before Marriage

There are a variety of reasons why people opt to live together before they decide to make a long-term commitment. Research has found that the primary reasons couples choose to live together are to spend more time together, to share expenses, and to evaluate their compatibility.

For many couples, it's a great way to see if they are truly compatible before deciding if marriage is the right choice for them. Co-habitating offers many insights into a person's habits, personality, and behavior. Sharing a space allows couples to truly get to know one another in a way that they might not if they lived separately.

But cohabitation isn't just about playing house or deepening the relationship—it's an economic necessity for many people. High living expenses mean that many adults must have one or more roommates to split expenses. For many, it makes sense to take that step with the person they are dating.

Research has found that around half of cohabitating couples end up separating. Economic factors appear to play a deciding role in whether couples who live together end up walking down the aisle. Simply put, wealthier couples are more like to wed.  

Living together before marriage may help you save money as a couple, offering greater financial stability and increasing your shared resources. While it might not be particularly romantic, research suggests that this factor alone may increase the likelihood of marriage.

However, moving in together because of economic pressure might mean that neither of you is as committed to the relationship as you might be if you take this step based on desire.

Factors to Consider Before Living Together

Below, Romanoff lists some of the factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage.

Your Reasons for Wanting to Live Together

The first factor to consider is your motivation for moving in with your partner. Partners who move in out of financial convenience or to test their relationship may be less satisfied with their decision in the long run and in turn, may not end up getting married.

This is in contrast to couples who decide to move in together out of their genuine desire to spend more time together and deliberately fuse their lives. You should want to learn more about your partner and progress your relationship.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Remember the importance of choosing your partner because you want to be with them, and don’t let your decisions be made out of fear or convenience.

Your Age and Stage of Life

Age and stage of life are other important considerations. It can be helpful to give each other space to live alone or with friends before taking this step, so that each partner is able to experience a range of independent and peer living situations before committing to living with each other.

Once people have experienced these varied living arrangements, they tend to appreciate their partners and don’t feel as if they are missing out on experiences their peers are having.

Your Conversations With Your Partner

It’s important to make the deliberate decision to move in together instead of casually easing into cohabitation. Sliding into cohabitation can be risky because it bypasses important decisions and conversations that will cause more problems down the road.

For instance, you may slowly start to spend more time at one of your homes and think it makes sense to move in together out of convenience or financial incentive. You may then consider marriage because you’ve lived together for so long, already invested so much time into your partner, and think you might not be able to find someone else at this point in your life.

Instead, it is important to consciously decide to move in together and have conversations with your partner about financial arrangements, who will be responsible for maintaining what, and how space will be allocated to incorporate both people’s values and beliefs.

Implications of Living Together Before Marriage

Moving in with your partner can have significant implications for your relationship. Romanoff outlines some of these below.

Increased Commitment

Before you move in, there are more opportunities for refuge. If you have a fight, are annoyed, or are frustrated with each other, you can always return to your own space .

Moving in means committing to the good and bad in each other and in your relationship. You each are committing to show up and stay together on the good as well as the bad days.

Increased Investment

Moving in together means that you are investing in the relationship in a more substantial way. The next progressive step after moving in is usually a more formal commitment like marriage or alternatively, if things do not work out, a breakup.

Breakups after moving in together are significantly more complicated because you must separate your lives, which tend to become blended in elaborate ways.

Increased Trust

Living together also means that you’re pledging to show each other the parts of yourself that may have remained hidden up until this part of your relationship. You risk vulnerability and exposing all of your little rituals or quirky habits.

You have to trust your partner and make this commitment with the confidence that your relationship will not only survive but will become stronger after knowing these parts of each other.

Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

Romanoff shares some of the advantages and disadvantages that people commonly experience when they decide to live together before marriage.

You get to know each other better

It can deepen your relationship

It can be a sign of commitment

Feel more confident in your decision to get married

May decrease commitment to marriage

Can lead to staying together even if you're not compatible

You might feel you wasted your time if you break up

It may be harder to move on after a break up

Advantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The advantage of living together before marriage is the opportunity to learn how you would navigate a life together without the internal and external pressure that comes with marriage.

For many, marriage signifies a commitment that cannot be easily undone. The weight of that commitment, especially from family members or friends, can skew problems or conflicts that may arise in a relationship.

Living together may also help boost health and well-being. Research has long shown that marriage provides many health benefits, and evidence also suggests that living together can confer many of these same benefits.

The benefit of living together pre-marriage is that you can learn more about each other, strengthen your joint ability to problem-solve , and reinforce your relationship and ability to navigate stressors , which can instill more confidence in your decision to get married .

Disadvantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The downside of living together before marriage relates to the tendency for some couples to make less of a commitment to each other or feel less content with their arrangement.

Individuals who decide to cohabitate may have different expectations than their partners about the move. It can lead to challenges if one partner has more unconventional ideas about marriage and might grow complacent in this arrangement, whereas the other partner might expect marriage to follow this step.

It is important to consider the meaning of the move to each partner, especially if this move is motivated as a way to postpone making a commitment for one partner. And that meaning should be communicated to and by each partner as well.

Additionally, standards for cohabitating with a partner are usually lower than standards people have for marriage, which could cause some people to regret the time and energy spent on cohabitating if it does not ultimately lead to marriage.

Keep in Mind

If you and your partner have been going steady and you’re starting to think about living together before marriage, you should be sure of your motivations before you move in. You should genuinely want to spend more time with your partner and learn more about them while being open to exposing yourself to them.

It’s also important to discuss finances , responsibilities, expectations for the future, and other important aspects of your relationship with your partner before you move in so you’re both on the same page before you make this commitment.

Pew Research Center’s Social and Demographic Trends Project. Views on marriage and cohabitation in the U.S .

Huang PM, Smock PJ, Manning WD, Bergstrom-Lynch CA. He says, she says: Gender and cohabitation .  J Fam Issues . 2011;32(7):876-905. doi:10.1177/0192513X10397601

Ishizuka P. The economic foundations of cohabiting couples’ union transitions . Demography . 2018;55(2):535-557. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0651-1

Perelli-Harris B, Hoherz S, Addo F, et al. Do marriage and cohabitation provide benefits to health in mid-life? The role of childhood selection mechanisms and partnership characteristics across countries .  Popul Res Policy Rev . 2018;37(5):703-728. doi:10.1007/s11113-018-9467-3

By Sanjana Gupta Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

The Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

• Dina writes for The Knot Worldwide, specializing in food, travel and relationships.
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Let's set the scene: You and your partner have been dating for a while, and have been planning for a future together . The end of your lease is coming up. And now the question arises: Is it time to take your relationship to the next level living together before marriage? It's an age-old question. And, depending on your background, the answers to this question can be pretty diverse.

What works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for every couple, and there are a lot of factors that can impact your thinking on whether or not to move in together. First, be sure to square away what each of you is ultimately after in the relationship. It could be marriage; it could be a monogamous, long-term commitment without marriage; it could be something else entirely . Whatever the goal, clarify it and get it on the table. Do see yourselves living together for now or a lifetime?

After discussing what it is you want for your futures, it's time to explore the pros and cons of living together before marriage. For insights, we spoke with two experts: Susan Heitler, Ph.D . is a clinical psychologist, marriage therapist and author of The Power of Two . Paige Bond is a relationship coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist at Couples Counseling of Central Florida .

Below, here's what you need to consider when thinking about living together before marriage.

Pros And Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

While shacking up before tying the knot used to be out-of-the-ordinary, it can seem like the opposite nowadays. But whether taking the step is the right step depends on the individual couple. Here's a look at the pros and cons of living together before marriage.

Pro: You'll reduce expenses

One of the biggest living together before marriage benefits is financial. Combining households will cut living costs—a particularly compelling perk especially now, thanks to inflation. Think: shared rent, utilities and groceries. It's no wonder this factor often drives this move, shares Dr. Heitler. As a bonus, you'll learn whether you and your partner are financially compatible , adds Bond.

Pro: Your relationship may deepen

By living together, you'll face more strife and stress head-on. Since this will require problem-solving, you'll likely build communication skills and trust and understanding with your partner. Plus, sharing a home should give you more opportunities to rack up relationship milestones, like shopping for your first couch or hosting your first holiday gathering.

Pro: You'll get a preview of marriage with your partner

"Living together is a really great way to learn about each other," says Bond. "You'll discover each other's quirks and daily routine in a shared living space." Data such as how messy they are, how willing they are to pitch in with chores and whether they listen to you respectfully should offer you more insight into what a lifetime with your partner would look like, adds Dr. Heitler.

Con: You might never take the next step

"The biggest danger with living together is inertia," observes Dr. Heitler. If both partners aren't intentional, they could cohabit for years with no wedding in sight—if marriage and a traditional wedding is what both partners are after. To prevent stagnation, both she and Bond recommend couples impose a time cap (such as six months) on cohabitation and commit upfront to discussing next steps when it ends. "People who want to marry don't want to waste time, and three years is a big waste of time if you're not getting married," adds Bond.

Con: You and your partner might put in less effort

When experiencing the normalcy of every day, you and your partner may become complacent and put in less effort into your relationship. "Every couple, no matter how excited they are about each other initially, will experience a gradual downward slope in the frequency and intensity of their sexual interest in each other," Dr. Heitler explains. When a relationship loses its shine and excitement, couples might become confused, think they chose the wrong partner and call it quits. Some muse that if this occurs after marriage, you'll be more likely to persevere through these challenges.

Ultimately: "It's a matter of putting in the same effort they did during the dating period," stresses Bond.

Con: You might experience confusion

When moving in before marriage, there's the added pressure of figuring out what the commitment means, shares Bond. For instance: one partner might see this move as a test for the relationship, while the other views it as the first step in a progression leading to marriage and children. That's why she urges being intentional with your partner about what this step signifies before you take it.

Your FAQs About Living Together Before Marriage

Living together is becoming more common. In 2019, 59% of American adults ages 18 to 44 had lived with an unmarried partner—more than the share that had ever been married (50%), according to a Pew Research Center analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth . Should you become one of them?

Should you live with your partner before marriage?

"There's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question," says Dr. Heitler, who admits she generally favors spending a lot of time together instead (unless that's impossible financially).

While Bond is more optimistic about living together, she urges making the decision intentionally, ensuring that both partners on the same page. After living together with two of her former partners, she (and her current partner) decided to get engaged before they take that step in the future. It's very different to move in together to see how it goes, versus with the intention of marriage, she explains.

Does living together before marriage lead to divorce?

It's a misconception that living together leads to divorce, says Bond. Studies have shown a correlation between cohabiting and a higher risk of divorce, but many factors contribute to this, she explains. For instance, is the couple fresh out of college and in their first long-term partnership (and thus lacking relationship skills)?

"Living together by itself does not lead to divorce; it's what you do with that time and the intention behind it that could lead to divorce," summarizes Bond. If you're sliding into a decision instead of being intentional, you're likely going to end up breaking up or in an unsatisfying marriage.

Why is living together before marriage frowned upon?

Cohabiting hasn't been common in the U.S. for very long—partly because some Americans perceive the practice as out of line with their religious or cultural values, explains Bond. "It depends on the generation you talk to," she says. Many in Gen-X or older generations might frown upon it; while Millennials and Gen-Zers might have no choice because of the rising cost of living, she adds.

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What Living Together Before Marriage Really Means for Your Relationship

Ultimately, it's less about co-existing and more about finances.

PHOTO BY SARA LOBLA

Once upon a time, living with your significant other before getting married was extremely taboo. Nowadays, however, it seems that it's taboo if a couple doesn't live together before walking down the aisle. According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, between 1965 and 1974, only 11 percent of women lived with their partner before their first marriage. Between 2010 and 2013, that number rose to 69 percent of women. For many people, shacking up is one way to find out if you and your partner can co-exist in a shared space and have a relationship that will last a lifetime.

Of course, it’s not for everyone, and not every couple who chooses to co-sign on an apartment lease before they co-sign on a marriage license will actually make it to the altar. The question is, why? Patrick Ishizuka, a postdoctoral fellow at the Cornell Population Center, explored the topic through an economic lens in his study.

Meet the Expert

Patrick Ishizuka received his Ph.D. in sociology and social policy from Princeton University in 2016 and was a postdoctoral fellow at the Cornell Population Center until 2019. He is currently an assistant sociology professor at Washington University in St. Louis whose research focuses on work, family, and social inequality.

To understand how cohabitation influences relationships, money, and work , Ishizuka looked at data gathered from thousands of households between the years 1996–2013. Among his sample, slightly more than half of couples who lived together and experienced some kind of relationship transition ended up breaking it off : 1,121 couples dissolved, while 1,104 went on to get married. In fact, the odds of moving on to marriage declined by 28 percent between 1996 to 2008.

When you consider all the benefits associated with marriage, it’s not unreasonable to think cohabitation might have similar perks—after all, the biggest tangible difference between marriage and cohabitation is a sheet of paper. But, Ishizuka writes, according to past research, the relationships of couples who live together before marriage are generally characterized by “relatively short durations and high levels of instability.” Studies have shown that the average time frame of these unions is less than two years, with only 40 percent ending in marriage.

Interestingly, Ishizuka’s study went on to show that marriage is increasingly becoming a numbers game, and that “wealth independently predicts marriage, with couples that own a home and receive interest from financial assets being more likely to marry.” In other words, the more money you make, the more likely you are to get married, especially if you and your partner make about the same. Alternatively, couples who aren’t as well off are more likely to separate .

The study’s results may be a bit depressing, but Ishizuka’s findings do offer one glimmer of hope for those who are a little economically disadvantaged: Cohabiters tend to have more egalitarian views about economic gender roles than married couples. He puts to rest that tired theory that couples in which the woman earns more than her male partner—also known as the “male breadwinner perspective”—are more likely to break up before marriage because of the man’s fragile ego.

Equality appears to promote stability.

“ Equality appears to promote stability,” Ishizuka said in a statement . In fact, he continued, it’s what may actually “hold these couples together .”

Cohabitation is a great way to test-run a relationship before fully committing to marriage (if that's your end goal ). It creates an environment where couples can really get to know each other while learning how they function as a unit that shares both a living space and a life together.

The concept of living together before marriage was once considered extremely controversial due to implications of religious morality . While it varies by religion, cohabitation itself is not explicitly called out as a sin. However, its susceptibility to premarital sex is what's often frowned upon.

Premarital cohabitation is considered a factor in the decrease in divorce rates. Living together before marriage enables couples to vet one another's compatibility before walking down the aisle and parting ways if they're not a match. This reduces the chances of separation after.

The requirements for a relationship to be considered a common law marriage vary widely by state, with many states no longer recognizing them at all. Check your state's criteria for eligibility to be sure.

Couples that live together before marriage do not have the same protections as spouses in a separation. If joint purchases were made during the relationship, it usually falls on the couple to divide the assets equally. Creating a cohabitation agreement at the start of the relationship can help iron out the details if such a situation were to arise.

National Center for Family and Marriage Research. " Twenty-five Years of Change in Cohabitation in the U.S, 1987 - 2013 ."

Ishizuka P. The Economic Foundations of Cohabiting Couples' Union Transitions . Demography . 2018 Apr;55(2):535-557. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0651-1

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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage

Table of contents, the case for living together before marriage, concerns and counterarguments, alternative approaches: pre-marital counseling, striking a balance.

• Booth, A., Johnson, D. R., White, L. K., & Edwards, J. N. (1985). Divorce and Marital Instability over the Life Course. Journal of Family Issues, 6(4), 451-482.
• Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2010). Should I stay or should I go? Predicting dating relationship stability from four aspects of commitment. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(5), 543-550.
• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499-509.
• Wallerstein, J. S., & Lewis, J. M. (2004). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. Hyperion.
• Whitehead, B. D., & Popenoe, D. (2002). Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage. National Marriage Project.

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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage?

Questions about issues in the news for students 13 and older.

• See all Student Opinion »

According to a recent Op-Ed , a majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. Why do you think this is? Why do you think of cohabiting, or living together before marriage, in general? Why?

In “The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage,” Meg Jay, a therapist, writes about new research that shows more and more couples are living together. Dr. Jay counseled one client, “Jennifer,” who had been living with her boyfriend for four years when they got married. Less than a year later, she was looking for a divorce lawyer. Dr. Jay writes:

Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis. In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce. But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect. Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself.

Students: Tell us what you think about the “cohabitation effect.” Would you live with your significant other before marriage? Why or why not? What should couples talk about before moving in together, whether before or after marriage? Why do you think that, according to this writer, couples who live together are less likely to be satisfied with their marriage? Are there ways that cohabitation could benefit a couple? What evidence do you have from your own life or the lives of your friends or family that supports or refutes the “cohabitation effect”?

Students 13 and older are invited to comment below. Please use only your first name. For privacy policy reasons, we will not publish student comments that include a last name.

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I think that it’s okay because it’s their choice. Well that all depends on how they are. I would because if I wanted to be with this person for a long time then I would want to keep them with me. What time they work and when when they be home for dinner and what do you like to do in your spare time on weekends? I think they have already been together and they don’t feel a lot of love anymore because they start to annoy each other.Yes, I think there are. People tend to learn more about peoples habits when they move together and that decides their future of being together.

No because whos too say that they will be together forever. they could end up sliplting up and the other person might get kicked out and could possibly have a hard time getting back on their feet.

My grampa says why buy the cow if you get the milk for free.

I guess it comes down to whether a marriage is more than more free milk.

I think they should be allowed to do whatever they want to do. If people are able to live on their own, they have the right to live with whoever they want.

I think it would be perfectly fine as long as it is agreed on. I personally would because if I did planning on being with them forever then I should get to be with them before marriage. The author made it sound like that hes very bias and did not support.

Tell us what you think about the “cohabitation effect.” Would you live with your significant other before marriage? Why or why not? What should couples talk about before moving in together, whether before or after marriage? Why do you think that, according to this writer, couples who live together are less likely to be satisfied with their marriage? Are there ways that cohabitation could benefit a couple? What evidence do you have from your own life or the lives of your friends or family that supports or refutes the “cohabitation effect”?

I would live with my other before marriage as long as he respected me and my beliefs about what you should and should not do before marriage. Couples should talk about what will happen in the future between them and what each other believes. If both can not agree with an arrangement that will allow both to live together then it is best that they do not live together.

I would live with my “significant other half” before marriage because by living together, you will be able to prepare yourself to the customs of each other’s household routines and practices. Also it will just strengthen the relationship bond. The couples should talk about moving in together whether it’s before or after marriage because it is a big decision for two people to move in together. I think the author thinks that couples who live together are less satisfied with their marriage because they have to put up with each other more and h will get frustrated with each other more.

I don’t see the problem with it. Your getting married so what is the point. I think it is kinda sweet. Its there choice to get married or not. Its like trail and error if it works out then go ahead if it doesn’t oh well.

I believe in living together before marriage. It would give the couple time to see if they are ‘compatible’ with each other and if they really truly are in love with each other. They should talk about possible problems that they could run into as well as coming up with resolutions if these problems do occur. Living with each other before marriage can give each other a chance to get to know the other in a closer environment so they know who they are living with for the rest of their lives. Its all about commitment.

It is a goood ideah because they get to bond with eachother before they make a committment where they would be with eachother every day so they get usto eachothers costums.

i do agree with living together before marriage. you can get used to each other and adapt to the others customs. not to mention that in all essence marriage a material thing and if you are truly in love then there shouldn’t have to be a ring or a wedding.

I have seen both sides of this story in the people around me I know some people who have lived together for a very long time with out marriage and are still together, how ever I also know people who got married and were divorced a year later.

I think that cohabitation before even marrying is stupid. I would wait until I get married to live with my “significant.” The reason is that the more time I spend with her, I will probably get annoyed of her as much as I like her. I think that couples should move in after they marry because they will probably and most likely end up divorcing. There may be ways cohabitation before marriage may be beneficial like spending more time with each other but in my opinion, that doesn’t matter.

I would not live with my significant other before marriage because it is against my religion. There is no reason to live with the person until you are married. Living with a person you are in love with before marriage usually leads to other things that are ungodly and sinful to do before marriage.

I think that there is nothing wrong with couples living together before marriage. They should be able to do what they want to do with their lives.

To be honest, I do not mind if couples live together before marriage. Granted some people may be insulted by this doing but it may just make it so they can be sure that will be able to live together and obey their vows.

I think that it is a personal choice and that other people shouldn’t judge others for what they chose. Personally I think it is a good idea because it lets people get to know about the other persons personal habits and that could change their choice to marry said person.

Personally, I believe it is fine, as it is the two individuals choice. Whether or not they want to wait until marriage is up to the couple. As long as they respect and love each other, I don’t see why not.

I think that couples should live together before marriage to get use to the idear of living in the same house with each other. With the rate of divorces these days I could imagine it being a addition to the cause of divorce.

I would live with my partner before getting married. This way, you can really see whether or not you could ‘deal’ or ‘stand’ living with the person. Seeing each other every day or every other day is one thing, but having them constantly around you might change your feelings. And since I believe marriage is a huge commitment that you make for your whole life, I would want to make absolutely sure that I enjoyed living with my partner before marriage, as to avoid a divorce.

I personally do not really care what people decide. Living with someone is a person’s choice, and what becomes of it is because of them, not anyone else. The benefits, such as getting to know the other person extremely well, are important, but the downsides, such as premature divorce, are important to recognize as well.

Tell us what you think about the “cohabitation effect.” Would you live with your significant other before marriage? Why or why not? What should couples talk about before moving in together, whether before or after marriage? Why do you think that, according to this writer, couples who live together are less likely to be satisfied with their marriage? Are there ways that cohabitation could benefit a couple? What evidence do you have from your own life or the lives of your friends or family that supports or refutes the “cohabitation effect”? I would live with my significant other before marriage, because this would allow for my partner and I to see what it would be like to live together before making the ultimate commitment. I think that couples who live together before marriage may be less satisfied by their marriage because when they are living together they may have more sexual interactions. Past experiences that I have had with people living together before marriage have seemed to all work out.

I think it is a good idea to live with someone before getting married – it is a smart step on the way to being married – it allows the couple to make sure they are meant to be together before committing themselves to marriage, to have and to hold for ever.

It should not be taken lightly, however – living together is not “marriage lite” – it is a serious thing, and you can get hurt if it doesn’t work out – but why not disover if it will not work out, before you get married – seems to make sense to me.

this is a test to see if i can post – i have been unable to so far

Hi Leyla – It worked. I don’t know why you’re having trouble, but I hope your troubles are over now. Thanks for joining in! – Holly

I would personally live with a partner before marriage of any sort is thought of. I think it is best to know someone fully before commitment this includes their habits that they have, like if they snore or if they have strange hobbies.

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Exploring Living Together before Marriage

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Published: Aug 24, 2023

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Table of contents

Historical and cultural perspectives on cohabitation, benefits of cohabitation, challenges and considerations, communication and conflict resolution, family and social perceptions, religious and moral considerations, impact on relationship longevity, legal and financial implications, cohabitation and parenthood, conclusion: navigating the complex landscape of cohabitation before marriage.

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Is It Worth It To Live Together Before Marriage?

For many, relationships follow a ladder of steps. Often, individuals will meet, get to know each other, start officially dating, and then go through relationship milestones. Relationship milestones can include telling someone you love them, meeting their family, celebrating your first dating anniversary, engagement, moving in together, and marriage. 

Although people can follow these steps in any order or not at all, many believe that moving in together should be done after marriage or engagement. Despite this belief, a larger portion of adults have cohabited than have been married according to an analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth by Pew Research Center. So can living together before marriage lead to relationship changes, and is it the right choice to make? The answers will likely be different for each couple or set of partners.

Living together before marriage 

Although roommates may be a solution, many prefer living with someone they care about or find more trusting than a stranger.  

Although living with a partner before marriage, also known as premarital cohabitation, can be a practical or fun solution, some individuals face challenges. If you sign a lease with someone you break up with, you might have to live with them in a one-bedroom until the lease is up. Each of these could be an important point or factor to consider, as they may impact your decision.

A significant decision

Whether you choose to live with someone because it is the next step in your relationship or because you live in an expensive city, specific aspects of the change might come with difficulties or learning curves. 

You may have previously met up with your partner to pursue activities you both have an interest in, hang out with friends, or simply spend time together. After spending time together, you would have your own spaces to go home to, even if you spent a few days together. When you live with someone, you may not have a choice on whether you see them or not. 

Cohabitating couples might learn more about their partner's cleaning, cooking, and grooming habits. You might also have habits your partner doesn't appreciate, like using their towel or leaving your toothbrush out. You may also have to adjust to sharing the responsibility for household chores. For some, this can feel vulnerable and scary. 

Although you may have been able to go home to escape conflicts before, you may have to face them when you live together. If you have one bed, you could find yourself wanting to sleep on the couch or go to a friend's house when you feel angry. This is one major reason that couples rent a two-bedroom to have their own space when needed. 

You may also not have the same legal rights as married couples if you decide to split up. This can be especially important when talking about legal rights relating to the division of assets; if you are unmarried, you likely won’t have the same protections as someone going through the process of divorce.

Should we live together before marriage? 

Whether or not you want to live with your significant other before you are married is a choice. Not everyone will make the choice to wait, and your family might disagree with you. Some cultures have religious or cultural rules against living together or sleeping in the same bed before marriage. Your family may also be unhappy with certain aspects of your partner, like their lack of a high school diploma or specific behaviors they exhibit. 

However, there can be benefits for those who have decided to take this step. For example, one major factor that influences a couple’s decision could be their financial situation. Couples may pay less rent when living together, which can allow them to save up for a home. If you want to apply to buy a home, the loan application could be more straightforward with two incomes. If you do not have a high credit score, your partner may be able to cosign for you.

Studies behind moving in together

A few peer-reviewed studies have been done to see how living together before marriage might affect emotional distress.

First unions study

One study by Sara Mernitz and Claire Kamp Dush in the Journal of Family Psychology examined the changes in emotional distress across various relationship transitions . These changes included moving in together, getting married without living together, and getting married after living together. 

The study looked at young adults in their 20s in the United States. The results found that:

• "Entrance into first cohabiting unions and direct marriages, and all second unions were significantly associated with reduced emotional distress."
• "Gender differences were found for first unions only; for men, only direct marriage was associated with an emotional health benefit, while both direct marriage and cohabitation benefited women's emotional health."
• "Transitioning into marriage from a first, current cohabitation was not associated with a change in emotional distress; these results held for second unions in that transitioning into marriage with a second, current cohabiting partner was also not associated with a change in emotional distress." 

Moving in together brought a sense of emotional well-being to the couples. The study did not observe the long-term effect of living together before marriage or include varied age groups; it only studied two-year increments and focused on couples in their 20s.

Quality of relationships after cohabitation

Another study in the same journal offered findings on relationship satisfaction and quality over time after two people decide to cohabitate. It found that: 

• Dedication to one's partner increases in the lead-up to moving in together but levels off after the transition. 
• Different types of constraint factors that make breakups less likely regardless of partners' dedication showed significant increases upon moving in together and then started to grow more rapidly.
• Conflict increases and starts to climb steadily after moving in together.
• The frequency of sex jumps modestly after a couple moves in together and then declines steadily to become lower than before the transition. 

These findings suggested that couples living together without marriage may be unprepared for a long-term or formal commitment. In addition, they may not be able to handle certain conflicts. In some cases, unmarried couples may be more unprepared to deal with these situations than married couples.

Couples counseling to make a decision 

While there is plenty of content online that claims to provide valuable couples advice, not all of this content comes from high-quality sources. If you seek out information online, it's also important to ask yourself “is this content accurate?” In many cases, it may be better to talk to someone with a substantial education or plentiful experience in the subject, like a couples counselor or therapist. 

If you decide to utilize a couples counselor or therapist, they may be able to help you decide whether living with your current partner is in your best interest. A therapist could help you come up with pros and cons for your decision and make a therapeutic plan in case of conflict and challenges. 

As couples often have busy schedules, many opt for online therapy, which allows them to select a time slot that works best for their schedule. You can also choose to meet with your therapist via video, phone, or live chat sessions. Studies show that online therapy is as effective as traditional in-person therapy.

If you're interested in trying it, platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples have matching systems to find a therapist that best fits your preferences. 

Many couples decide to move in together before marriage. Although there may be changes in your life and relationship as you make this transition, many find that the benefits outweigh the challenges. If you're unsure which way to go or want further professional guidance, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist for support.

Do couples that live together before marriage last longer?

From the 1970s to the 2000s, researchers released studies that suggested cohabitation before marriage increased the risk of divorce. However, Modern science has a more detailed understanding of the complexities experienced by cohabitating couples. Contemporary evidence indicates that early studies may not have captured the whole story and overestimated the risk of living together before marriage.

There is insufficient evidence to suggest that couples who live together before marriage last longer than those who do not. Recent investigations suggest that cohabitation has little effect on how long a marriage lasts or whether a couple will divorce. However, couples often cohabitate out of necessity to reduce financial or childcare burdens. Life circumstances that push people to live together may contribute to the literature suggesting that cohabitation increases divorce risk. 

How long should you live with your partner before getting married?

Cohabitation is widely accepted within the United States. 69% of Americans believe cohabitation is acceptable, regardless of whether a couple intends to get married. Of those who eventually married, 76% of marriages were preceded by cohabitation.  While support for couples living together is widespread, significant debate surrounds how long a couple should live together before getting married. 

Some evidence suggests that most cohabitating relationships last around 18 months, although not all of those relationships end in an engagement or marriage. Many experts recommend that couples focus on factors other than the length of their relationship when considering whether to get married. When considering divorce, the most significant risk factor is likely the maturity of the partners . Those who cohabitate or marry young, usually under age 23, are at a significantly heightened risk of divorce than those who enter into a cohabitating relationship or marriage later on.  

Does living together before marriage lead to higher divorce?

Evidence suggests that living together before marriage may come with an increased risk of divorce . However, recent scientific investigation has shed new light on the previously accepted notion that premarital cohabitation leads to lower marital quality and higher divorce rates. The greatest risk factor associated with divorce and cohabitation is marrying or living together while very young , usually under age 23. 

Psychologists Galena Rhoades and Scott Stanely conducted another study that identified additional risk factors associated with cohabitation and divorce. The first was whether moving in together was an active decision or whether it happened out of necessity. Those who made an active, considered decision to move in together were 13% less likely than those who moved in together out of necessity. Stanley calls this “sliding versus deciding,” referring to couples who “slid in” to cohabitation rather than choosing it actively. 

Similarly, the reasons for moving in together were also found to be important. Stanley and Rhoades asked participants to select one of four reasons for moving in with their partner: 

• “Made sense financially.”
• “Test the relationship.”
• “Spend more time with your partner.”
• “Inconvenient to live apart.” 

Respondents who indicated they moved in with their romantic partner because it “made sense financially” or to “test the relationship” were significantly more likely to get divorced than those who cohabitated to spend more time with each other. The response “inconvenient to live apart” was not associated with an increased or decreased risk of divorce. 

Which couple is at increased risk of divorce?

The best predictor of divorce is age at the time of marriage . Those who get married under the age of 20 have a 38% chance of getting divorced in the first five years of marriage, and those who get married between 20 and 24 have a 27% chance of divorce in the first five years. Furthermore, those who get married under 25 have a 60% chance of divorce overall. 

Evidence surrounding the adverse effects of cohabitation follows a similar theme. It has long been suggested that cohabitation before marriage leads to lower marital quality and a higher chance of divorce. However, contemporary investigations suggest that the adverse outcomes observed in couples who live together before marriage may be caused by living together or assuming marital roles before both partners are ready to handle the relationship maturely . 

What is it called when you live with your partner before marriage?

When romantic partners live together, regardless of whether marriage is being considered, it is called cohabitation. In many cohabitating romantic relationships, partners assume marital roles and act as they would if they were married. They may even merge finances or raise children together. Other cohabitating relationships are more reserved, with partners maintaining a wider degree of separation. 

While there are mixed opinions surrounding cohabitation, it is supported by 69% of adults in the United States, and two-thirds of married adults viewed cohabitation as a necessary step before getting married. Those who chose to cohabitate to spend more time with their partner will likely experience better outcomes than those who cohabitated out of financial or logistical necessity. 

What are 2 disadvantages of cohabitation before marriage?

Two commonly reported disadvantages of cohabitation are l ower marital quality and a higher risk of divorce . Evidence suggests that cohabitation can lead to less happiness in a marriage, and it is weakly associated with an increase in the likelihood of divorce. However, recent evidence suggests that the maturity of the cohabitating partners predicts adverse outcomes better than simply whether or not they live together. 

Cohabitating partners are less likely to experience a breakup or divorce if they move in together in their mid-to-late 20s. Regarding marriage, those who married under the age of 25 are significantly more likely to divorce than their older counterparts, regardless of whether they cohabitated. It is likely that some of the perceived disadvantages of cohabitation may be attributable to young couples moving in together too early, either by choice or necessity. 

Is it smart to live together before marriage?

Living together before marriage has pros and cons. It is a common practice; 66% of married adults in the United States reported living together before becoming engaged. In addition, their report includes the overwhelming opinion that living together is necessary before marriage . Furthermore, many couples are postponing engagement and marriage due to financial or other concerns, leading to a significant uptick in the number of cohabitating couples who would likely already be married but are left cohabitating as they overcome practice obstacles to marriage.

In other words, living together before marriage is likely becoming a way to move out of the dating phase, achieving a new level of commitment as a couple prepares for the financial and logistical challenges of a wedding and marriage. This may make it difficult to interpret the data surrounding cohabitation and divorce as more couples live together out of necessity. Evidence suggests that the reasons couples select when deciding to live together are a strong predictor of divorce risk . Couples who chose to live together to spend more time with each other had a lower risk of divorce. In contrast, couples who lived together to save money or “test their relationship” had a 13% higher chance of getting divorced. 

What are the odds of marital success if you live together prior to marriage?

Living together before marriage has been historically associated with an increased risk of divorce. However, modern studies have shed new light on the possible harmful marital effects of cohabitation before marriage. Cohabitation is a complex subject, and it is challenging to identify all the variables that predict a successful marriage, but contemporary evidence suggests that the risks associated with cohabitation may be overblown .

It is likely that maturity, relationship experience, and marital preparation predict divorce much better than whether a couple cohabitates before marriage. This aligns with a previous study by the Institute of Family Studies that suggests couples who get married before the age of 25 are significantly more likely to get divorced than those who wait until they are older. Similar effects have been observed in cohabitating partners; if two people move in together in their early 20s, they are significantly more likely to experience a breakup or a divorce ( if their relationship progresses to marriage). 

The evidence suggests that ensuring a strong relationship foundation based on activities that increase commitment, empathetic communication, and problem-solving likely has a much more significant impact on marital success than whether a couple cohabitates. A couple can ensure the greatest chance of success by waiting until after the age of 23 to move in together and by developing the skills necessary for a happy future relationship . 

What is the best age to get married?

Conventional wisdom suggests that the later a couple gets married, the more likely their marriage will be successful. In the past, this was supported by empirical studies, but contemporary generations are demonstrating a new trend. Evidence suggests that marrying young is still a significant risk factor for divorce . 38% of couples who married before turning 20 are likely to divorce within the first five years of marriage. 

For those who married between the ages of 20 to 24, that number drops to 27%. Those who married between 25 and 34 had a 12% chance of getting divorced in the first five years, less than half the risk of 20 - 24 year olds. In a departure from previous research, modern evidence suggests that divorce risk increases for those married after age 35. In that age group, nearly 17% of couples will experience a divorce in the first five years of marriage. Based on divorce risk, which is a strong predictor of marital quality, the best age to get married is likely between 25 and 34.  

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5 Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

With a rich background in Counseling Psychology and Pedagogy, I am a licensed psychologist and certified coach dedicated to empowering individuals on their journey to a fulfilling... Read More

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

In This Article

Today, couples deciding on living together before marriage are no longer a surprise unlike before.

After a few months of dating, most couples would rather test the waters and move in together. Some have other reasons they choose to start living with someone before marriage.

Certified coach Silvana Mici says,

Living together allows partners to gain insights into each other’s habits, routines, and lifestyle preferences. This can help assess compatibility and identify potential areas of conflict before committing to marriage. On the other hand, living together may create societal or familial pressure to get married, which can strain the relationship. The external expectation of marriage may influence the couple’s decisions and add stress to the relationship.

In this article, we’ll explore cohabitation pros and cons, and how you can prepare if you decide to move in with your partner.

What is meant by living together/cohabitation?

The definition of cohabitation or living together cannot be found in legal books. However, living together as a couple means an arrangement the couple makes to live together. Cohabitation involves more than sharing just the accommodation.

There is no clarity in legal terms as there is for marriage. Cohabitation usually is agreed upon when the couple shares an intimate relationship.

Living together before marriage– A safer option?

Today, most people are practical, and more and more people are opting to move in with their partners rather than plan a wedding and be together. Some couples who decide to move in together don’t even consider getting married yet.

Here are some of the reasons why couples move in together: 

1. It’s more practical

A couple may come to an age where moving in together before marriage makes more sense than paying twice for rent. It’s being with your partner and saving money simultaneously — practical. 

2. The couple can get to know each other better

Some couples think it’s time to step a notch in their relationship and move in together. It’s preparing for their long-term relationship. This way, they get to know more about each other before they choose to get married. Safe play. 

3. It’s a good option for people who don’t believe in marriage

Moving in with your partner because you or your lover doesn’t believe in marriage. Some people think that marriage is only for formality, and there’s no reason for it other than giving you a hard time if they call it quits. 

4. The couple won’t have to go through a messy divorce if they break up

Divorce rates are high , and we’ve seen the harsh reality of it. Some couples who know this first hand, whether with their family members or even from a past relationship, will no longer believe in marriage. 

For these people, divorce is such a traumatic experience that even if they can love again, considering marriage is no longer an option.

5. Build a stronger relationship

Another reason couples choose cohabitation before marriage is to help them strengthen their bond. Some couples believe you’ll only get to know your partner when you start living together. 

By living together, they can spend more time together and build a stronger foundation for their relationship.

This opportunity also gives them the time and opportunity to share experiences, daily routines, and practices, be able to take care of each other and spend their lives as a couple. They would also learn how to deal with issues and even misunderstandings.

5 pros and cons of living together before marriage

Is living together before marriage a good idea? Do you know what you and your partner are getting yourselves into?

We need to know the marriage vs. living together pros and cons so that we can weigh in if we should do it or not. Are you ready to know whether you should live together before marriage?

Let’s dig deeper into the pros and cons of choosing to live with your partner.

There are many living together before marriage pros. 

Check out the benefits of living together before marriage or the reasons why living together before marriage is a good idea:

1. Moving in together is a wise decision — financially

You get to share everything, such as paying the mortgage, splitting your bills, and even having time to save if you ever want to tie the knot anytime soon. If marriage is not part of your plans just yet— you will have extra money to do what you like. 

2. Division of chores

Chores are no longer being taken care of by one person. Moving in together means you get to share household chores . Everything is shared, so there is hopefully less stress and more time to rest.

3. It’s like a playhouse

You get to try what it’s like living as a married couple without the papers. 

This way, if things don’t work out, just leave, and that’s it. This has become an appealing decision for most people nowadays. No one wants to spend thousands of dollars and deal with counseling and hearings just to get out of the relationship. 

4. Test the strength of your relationship

The ultimate test in living together is to check if you’re going to work out or not. Being in love with a person is different than living with them. 

It’s a whole new thing when you have to live with them and be able to see their habits if they are messy in the house, if they will do their chores or not. It’s basically living with the reality of having a partner.

5. It lessens marriage stress

What Is Marriage stress and why does it belong to the benefits of living together before marriage?

When you prepare for your marriage, you must worry about many things. It would help if you planned moving into another home, changing habits and how you budget, and so much more.

If you are already living together, then it’s one of the advantages living together before marriage can give you. You are already acquainted with a married couple’s setup, so it lessens the stress.

While living together before marriage may seem appealing, there are also some not-so-good areas to consider.

So, should couples live together before marriage? Remember, every couple is different.

While there are benefits, there are also consequences depending on the kind of relationship that you’re in. There will be times when you’d contemplate the reasons why living together before marriage is a bad idea. Know below this is a bad idea:

1. The reality of finances isn’t as rosy as you expected

Expectations hurt, especially when you think about having shared bills and chores. Even if you choose to live together to be more financially practical, you might get into a bigger headache when you find yourself with a partner who thinks you’ll shoulder all the finances. 

2. Getting married doesn’t remain as significant

Couples who move in together are less likely to decide to get married. Some have kids and have no time to settle into marriage or become so comfortable that they’d think they no longer need a paper to prove they are working out as a couple. 

3. Live-in couples don’t work as hard to save their relationship

An easy way out, this is the most common reason why people living together do get separated over time. They will no longer work hard to save their relationship because they are not bonded by marriage. 

4. False commitment

False commitment is one term to use with people who would rather choose to live together for good rather than tie the knot. Before you start a relationship, you need to know the meaning of real commitment, and part of this is getting married.

5. Live-in couples are not entitled to the same legal rights

One disadvantage of living together before marriage is that when you’re not married, you don’t have some of the rights a married person has, especially when dealing with certain laws.

Now that you know the pros and cons of living together before marriage, would you decide to do it or wait until you’re married? 

5 ways to know you are ready for marriage after living together

You’ve lived together for a couple of months, or maybe a few years, and you know that living together before marriage worked out for you. The next phase is asking yourself, “ Are we ready to get married ?”

Here are five ways to know you’re ready to tie the knot.

1. You trust and respect each other

Indeed, living together will teach you how to trust and respect each other. You learn how to work as a team, solve problems, and show your vulnerability to your partner.

Like when you are married, you learn how to rely on and help each other through the good and bad times. Even without the legalities, most couples who live together treat each other as spouses.

You will also experience trials that will test your love, trust, and respect for each other. If you surpass these challenges and feel like your bond strengthens, that’s a good sign.

2. You love living together

One of the benefits of cohabitation before marriage is that you’ve had a taste of what it would be like to live under one roof. You have their habits, know if they snore, and maybe even have petty fights about these.

No matter how chaotic your few months together are and how much you’ve adjusted, thinking about living together permanently puts a smile on your face.

If you enjoy waking up with your partner each day, and can’t imagine anything else, then you’re ready to tie the knot.

3. You feel excited about starting your own family

Have you been living together before marriage? Do people often tell you that you’re perfect and you just need to tie the knot?

If you talk about marriage and kids, you feel excited. Sometimes, even without realizing it, you plan to have kids and build your own family.

You have fulfilled your honeymoon bucket list, spent so much time together, and you are in the phase where you want to make it formal and have kids as well. You’re ready to have those sleepless nights and messy but beautiful homes with kids. 

4. You feel that you’re all set to move forward

After a couple of months of living together, have you talked about marriage, buying a home, investments, and getting different insurance to excite you?

Well, congratulations, you are all set to move forward together. You will know when the right time is, it’s when your goals change. From date nights to future homes and cars, these mean that you’re both ready to move forward.

Living together before marriage gives you that chance to experience and realize these even before saying, “ I do .”

5. You know you’ve found the one

Sure, there are also many disadvantages of living together before marriage, but one thing that makes living together great is that you’ll be able to see if you’re meant for each other.

All those trials, happy memories, and growth you’ve experienced while living together have made both of you sure about your decision. You know you want to spend your whole life with this person .

Marriage will just be legality, but you know you are already meant for each other.

5 ways to prepare for living together before marriage

Many will tell you why couples should not live together before marriage, but again, this is your choice, and as long as you are prepared, you can choose to live together even if you’re not married yet.

Speaking of preparedness, how do you prepare for this? Here are five ways that can help you prepare to live together as a couple:

1. Go and set rules

Living together before marriage is not a game. You are both grown-ups that choose to live together under one roof. This means it’s just right that you create rules.

Create rules that will work for both of you. Take time and discuss each one; better if you could write them on paper.

Include dividing chores, how many appliances you can have, where you need to spend your holidays and even your pet peeves inside the home.

Of course, this is when you will also discover habits that may not make you happy. This is also the time to talk about that and start agreeing on your terms.

2. Talk and be clear with your goals

Don’t be shy to add this topic when discussing living together before marriage. Remember, this is your life.

Talk about what you expect when moving in together. Is this to live like a married couple? Maybe you just want to save money and it’s more convenient? It’s better to be clear about expectations and goals to avoid misunderstanding .

3. Inform your family

Don’t forget to inform your families about your decision to cohabitate. They have a right to know that their family member is making a huge life decision.

Also, you’ll have to talk and be with them at some point. It would be a great thing if they would both support you in your decision. This also reduces the risk of any issues arising from keeping your decision secret.

There’s nothing wrong with living together, but it’s just right that you inform the people closest to you as a form of respect.

4. Budget together

Expert marriage counseling advice always recommends discussing your finances before moving in together. This will be a very important aspect of your life as a couple.

This would include, but would not be limited to your monthly budget, financial allocation, savings, emergency funds, debts, and so much more.

By discussing your finances beforehand, you prevent money issues from arising. This will also help you work things out, especially if one earns more than the other.

5. Communicate

Here is one of the most important foundations of lasting relationships – communication. Make sure that before you decide on living together, you already have firm and open communication .

It won’t work out if you don’t. Communication is crucial in any relationship, especially when planning to move in and live together.

Everything we have discussed boils down to open and honest communication with your partner.

Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist and leading global expert in female empowerment, tackles defensiveness and the inability to communicate. 

Some commonly asked questions

Living together before getting married can raise many questions in your mind. Here are the answers to some such questions: 

What percentage of couples break up after moving in together?

According to recent studies, 40 – 50% of couples who opted to live together before marriage had difficulties or issues they couldn’t resolve. These couples parted ways after living together for a few months.

However, let it be clear that every situation is different. It still depends on how you and your partner would work on your relationship. Ultimately, it’s still up to both of you if you will work on your differences or give up.

How long should couples wait to move in together?

You get excited about everything involving your partner when you are in love. This is also the case with moving in together.

While it may sound like the perfect idea, don’t rush living together before marriage, it’s better if the two of you will at least give yourselves ample time to get ready.

Enjoy dating for a year or two, get to know each other first, and when you feel like you’re both ready, you can talk about living together.

Does living together before marriage lead to divorce?

Choosing to live together before getting married may decrease the chances of divorce.

This is because living together allows you and your partner to check your compatibility, how you handle challenges as a couple, and how you build your relationship before getting married.

Since you already know these factors before getting married, the fewer chances of it being one reason for divorce. This will, of course, depend on the couple and their unique situation.

Final takeaway

Being in a relationship isn’t easy, and with all the issues that can arise, some would just test it out rather than jump into marriage. There is no guarantee that choosing to live together before you get married will guarantee a successful union or a perfect marriage after that.

Coach Mici adds,

Living together offers an opportunity for continuous conversation. Use this time to learn about each other, share your needs, and practice the art of listening. Effective communication is the cornerstone of a successful relationship, whether living together or married.

Whether you test your relationship for years before getting married or have chosen marriage over living together, the quality of your marriage will still depend on both of you. It takes two people to achieve a successful partnership in life. Both people in the relationship should compromise , respect, be responsible, and love each other for their union to succeed.

No matter how open-minded our society is today, no couple should disregard how important marriage is. There’s no problem in living together before marriage. Some of the reasons behind this decision are rather practical and true. However, every couple should still consider getting married soon.

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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• Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S.

The share of adults who have lived with a romantic partner is now higher than the share who have ever been married; married adults are more satisfied with their relationships, more trusting of their partners

Table of contents.

• 1. The landscape of marriage and cohabitation in the U.S.
• 2. Public views of marriage and cohabitation
• 3. Why people get married or move in with a partner
• 4. How married and cohabiting adults see their relationships
• Acknowledgments
• Methodology

As more U.S. adults are delaying marriage – or forgoing it altogether – the share who have ever lived with an unmarried partner has been on the rise. Amid these changes, most Americans find cohabitation acceptable, even for couples who don’t plan to get married, according to a new Pew Research Center survey. Even so, a narrow majority says society is better off if couples in long-term relationships eventually get married.

The survey also examines how adults who are married and those who are living with an unmarried partner are experiencing their relationships. It finds that married adults are more satisfied with their relationship and more trusting of their partners than those who are cohabiting.

The share of U.S. adults who are currently married has declined modestly in recent decades, from 58% in 1995 to 53% today. Over the same period, the share of adults who are living with an unmarried partner has risen from 3% to 7%. While the share who are currently cohabiting remains far smaller than the share who are married, the share of adults ages 18 to 44 who have ever lived with an unmarried partner (59%) has surpassed the share who has ever been married (50%), according to a Pew Research Center analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG). 1

Young adults are particularly accepting of cohabitation – 78% of those ages 18 to 29 say it’s acceptable for an unmarried couple to live together, even if they don’t plan to get married – but majorities across age groups share this view. Still, even among those younger than 30, a substantial share (45%) say society is better off if couples who want to stay together long-term eventually get married. Roughly half of those ages 30 to 49 say the same, as do majorities of those ages 50 and older.

Views about marriage and cohabitation are also linked to religious affiliation. About three-quarters of Catholics (74%) and white Protestants who do not self-identify as born-again or evangelical (76%) say it’s acceptable for an unmarried couple to live together even if they don’t plan to get married. By contrast, only 47% of black Protestants and 35% of white evangelical Protestants share this view. And while half or more across these groups say society is better off if couples who want to stay together long-term eventually get married, white evangelicals are the most likely to say this (78% do so). Among those who are not religiously affiliated, fully nine-in-ten say cohabitation is acceptable even if a couple doesn’t plan to get married, and just 31% say society is better off if couples who want to stay together eventually get married.

The nationally representative survey of 9,834 U.S. adults was conducted online June 25-July 8, 2019, using Pew Research Center’s American Trends Panel . 2 The survey includes 5,579 married adults and 880 adults who are living with an unmarried partner. It includes married and cohabiting adults in same-sex relationships. 3  Among the other key findings:

Married adults have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and trust than those living with an unmarried partner

Majorities of married and cohabiting adults express at least a fair amount of trust in their spouse or partner to be faithful to them, act in their best interest, always tell them the truth and handle money responsibly, but by double digits, married adults are more likely than those who are cohabiting to express a great deal of trust in their spouse or partner in each of these areas.

Married adults also express higher levels of satisfaction with their relationship. About six-in-ten married adults (58%) say things are going very well in their marriage; 41% of cohabiters say the same about their relationship with their partner.

When asked about specific aspects of their relationship, larger shares of married than cohabiting adults say they are very satisfied with the way household chores are divided between them and their spouse or partner, how well their spouse or partner balances work and personal life, how well they and their spouse or partner communicate, and their spouse’s or partner’s approach to parenting (among those with children younger than 18 in the household). When it comes to their sex life, however, similar shares of married and cohabiting adults say they are very satisfied.

Married adults are also more likely than cohabiters to say they feel closer to their spouse or partner than to any other adult. About eight-in-ten married adults (78%) say they feel closer to their spouse than to any other adult in their life; a narrower majority of cohabiters (55%) say the same about their partner.

Even after controlling for demographic differences between married and cohabiting adults (such as gender, age, race, religion and educational attainment), married adults express higher levels of satisfaction, trust and closeness than those who are living with a partner.

The reasons why people get married and the reasons they move in with a partner differ in some key ways

Most married and cohabiting adults cite love and companionship as major reasons why they decided to get married or move in with a partner. But about four-in-ten cohabiters also say finances and convenience were important factors in their decision: 38% say moving in with their partner made sense financially and 37% say it was convenient. In comparison, just 13% of married adults cite finances and 10% cite convenience as major reasons why they decided to get married.

About six-in-ten married adults (63%) say making a formal commitment was a major factor in their decision to get married. This is particularly the case among those who did not live with their spouse before getting married.

Among cohabiters, about a quarter (23%) say wanting to test their relationship was a major reason why they decided to move in with their partner.

Many cohabiting adults see living together as a step toward marriage

Most married adults (66%) who lived with their spouse before they were married (and who were not yet engaged when they moved in together) say they saw cohabitation as a step toward marriage when they first started living with their now-spouse. Among cohabiting adults who were not engaged when they moved in with their partner, 44% say they saw living together as a step toward marriage. Cohabiters who have gotten engaged since moving in with their partner are more likely than those who are not currently engaged to say they saw living together as a step toward marriage (63% vs. 38%).

Among cohabiters who are not currently engaged, those with at least some college education are more likely than those with less education to say they saw moving in with their partner as a step toward marriage. Half of cohabiting college graduates who are not engaged – and 43% of those with some college experience – say this, compared with 28% of those with a high school diploma or less education.

About four-in-ten cohabiting adults who are not currently engaged (41%) say they want to get married someday. Of this group, 58% say they are very likely to marry their current partner, while 27% say this is somewhat likely and 14% say it’s not too or not at all likely that they will marry their partner. About a quarter of non-engaged cohabiters (24%) say they don’t want to get married, and 35% aren’t sure.

Two-thirds of cohabiters who want to get married someday cite either their own or their partner’s finances as a reason why they’re not engaged or married

About three-in-ten cohabiting adults who are not engaged but say they would like to get married someday say their partner’s (29%) or their own (27%) lack of financial readiness is a major reason why they’re not engaged or married to their current partner. About a quarter (24%) say their partner not being ready financially is a minor reason, and 29% say the same about their own finances.

Roughly four-in-ten cite not being far enough along in their job or career as a major or minor reason why they’re not engaged or married to their partner. Similar shares say they (44%) or their partner (47%) not being ready to make that kind of commitment is at least a minor reason why they’re not engaged or married, though more cite their partner not being ready, rather than themselves, as a major reason (26% vs. 14%).

Younger adults are more likely to see cohabitation as a path to a successful marriage

About half of U.S. adults (48%) say couples who live together before marriage have a better chance of having a successful marriage than those who don’t live together before marriage; 13% say couples who live together before marriage have a worse chance of having a successful marriage and 38% say it doesn’t make much difference.

Adults younger than 30 are more likely than older adults to see cohabitation as a path to a successful marriage: 63% of young adults say couples who live together before marriage have a better chance of having a successful marriage, compared with 52% of those ages 30 to 49, 42% of those ages 50 to 64 and 37% of those 65 and older. About a third or more of those 30 and older say cohabitation doesn’t have much of an impact on a couple’s chance of having a successful marriage.

Adults who lived with their spouse before they were married are much more likely than those who didn’t to say that couples who live together have a better chance of having a successful marriage (57% vs. 24%, respectively). About a third of married adults who didn’t live with their spouse before marriage (32%) say cohabitation worsens a couple’s chance of having a successful marriage, while 44% say it doesn’t make much difference.

A majority of Americans say cohabiting couples can raise children just as well as married couples

Just over half of cohabiting adults ages 18 to 44 are raising children, including about a third who are living with a child they share with their current partner. A majority of Americans (59%) say that unmarried couples who are living together can raise children just as well as married couples; 40% say couples who are married do a better job raising children.

White non-evangelical Protestants (57%) and black Protestants (59%) are far more likely than white evangelicals (33%) to say cohabiting couples can raise children as well as those who are married.

There are also differences among Catholics: 73% of Hispanic Catholics – compared with 48% of white Catholics – say cohabiting and married couples can raise children equally well.

Views on this are also linked to partisanship. Overall, 73% of Democrats and those who lean Democratic say cohabiting couples can raise children just as well as married couples; 41% of Republicans and those who lean to the GOP say the same. These gaps persist even when taking religion and age, which are strongly linked to partisanship, into account.

Cohabiting adults (82%) are far more likely than those who are married (52%) to say couples who are living together but are not married can raise children as well as married couples. Cohabiters with and without children younger than 18 in the household are about equally likely to hold this view.

Most Americans favor allowing unmarried couples to have the same legal rights as married couples

About two-thirds of U.S. adults (65%) say they favor allowing unmarried couples to enter into legal agreements that would give them the same rights as married couples when it comes to things like health insurance, inheritance or tax benefits; 34% oppose this. For the most part, views about these types of legal agreements don’t vary considerably along demographic lines, although white (66%) and Hispanic (68%) adults are more likely than black adults (58%) to express support.

About three-quarters of Democrats (77%) favor allowing unmarried couples to enter into these types of legal agreements. In contrast, Republicans are about evenly divided, with 50% saying they favor and 49% saying they oppose this.

Most don’t see being married as essential to living a fulfilling life

Relatively small shares of U.S. adults say being married is essential for a man (16%) or a woman (17%) to live a fulfilling life; 54% say being married is important but not essential for each, while about three-in-ten say being married is not important for a man (29%) or a woman (28%) to live a fulfilling life. When asked more generally about the importance of being in a committed romantic relationship, 26% say this is essential for a man and 30% say it is essential for a woman to live a fulfilling life.

Far larger shares see having a job or career they enjoy as essential in order for a man (57%) or a woman (46%) to live a fulfilling life. One-in-five say having a lot of money is essential for a man, while 15% say it is essential for a woman. When it comes to having children, 22% see it as essential in order for a woman to live a fulfilling life; 16% say this is essential for a man.

References to whites, blacks and Asians include only those who are non-Hispanic and identify as only one race. Asians include Pacific Islanders. Hispanics are of any race. For the most part, the views and experiences of Asians are not analyzed separately in this report due to sample limitations. In the analysis of Current Population Survey data in chapter 1, data for Asians are shown separately. Data for Asians and other racial and ethnic groups are incorporated into the general population figures throughout the report.

References to college graduates or people with a college degree comprise those with a bachelor’s degree or more. “Some college” includes those with an associate degree and those who attended college but did not obtain a degree. “High school” refers to those who have a high school diploma or its equivalent, such as a General Education Development (GED) certificate.

All references to party affiliation include those who lean toward that party: Republicans include those who identify as Republicans and independents who say they lean toward the Republican Party, and Democrats include those who identify as Democrats and independents who say they lean toward the Democratic Party.

A person is considered to have “at least one shared child” if there is a child age 18 or younger residing in the household who is the biological child of themselves and their present spouse or partner. If a person does not have any “shared children,” but does have other children ages 18 or younger in the household – for instance, a spouse’s child from a prior marriage, an adopted child or a foster child – then the person is considered to have “child(ren) from other relationships.”

• The NSFG is administered to respondents ages 15 to 44. The analysis of NSFG data in this report includes only those ages 18 to 44. ↩
• For more details, see the Methodology section of the report. ↩
• Only 2% of married respondents and 7% of cohabiting respondents report that their spouse or partner is the same sex as them. Due to the small size of these groups, our ability to draw comparisons between those in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships is limited. Figures in this report include those in both types of relationships, unless otherwise noted. ↩

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Are Couples That Live Together Before Marriage More Likely to Divorce?

Times have changed, but maybe not completely..

Posted January 27, 2021 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

• The Challenges of Divorce
• Find a therapist to heal from a divorce
• Cohabitation before marriage or without plans for marriage is on the rise in the U.S.
• Early research on cohabitation identified it as a risk factor for divorce
• Despite now being a cultural norm, cohabitation is still a risk factor for divorce

In the 1970s, only a tiny fraction of the U.S. population—less than half a percentage (0.2%)—lived as cohabitating romantic partners at any given time. Today, that number is about 15% in the 18-34 age bracket (Gurrentz, 2018). Putting this into context, nearly two-thirds of women today (64%) have cohabitated at some point (Hemez & Manning, 2017), with some evidence suggesting the total is as high as 70% (Rosenfeld & Roesler, 2019). These numbers are more than double what they were in 1987. In other words, what once was an extraordinarily rare living arrangement for a dating couple is now commonplace.

When the rate of cohabitation began to climb, researchers examined its pros/cons by looking at its potential effect on subsequent marriage stability. Not everyone who cohabitates plans to marry, but many do, and those who do sometimes use it as a "trial" period before they fully commit to marriage. The idea of a "trial" suggests that cohabitation could increase marital stability: Those whose trials were successful continue, those whose trials did not work avoid divorce ; they simply break-up. So, maybe cohabitation reduces the risk of divorce.

Early Research Linked Cohabitation and Divorce

The preponderance of evidence from the 1980s showed the opposite: Cohabitation was associated with increased divorce risk (e.g., Bennett, Blanc, & Bloom, 1988). This robust finding has emerged again and again, making cohabitation a true puzzle. But this was also a time when the path towards marriage was socially normed differently than it is today. Cultural guidelines proscribed living apart, dating, getting married, then moving in together. Perhaps the way we think about and progress towards marriage today has altered this link.

New evidence shows that emerging adults today may have different ideas about what cohabitation means for couples (Bagley et al., 2019). They tend to believe that cohabitation prior to marriage protects against divorce, and is a smart "trial" run. (This belief is not as strongly held among older adults.) Their belief that cohabitation helps marital stability may reflect a growing change in how people move from single to married.

Cohabitation Is Still a Divorce Risk

Despite changing norms and perceptions, premarital cohabitation still appears to be a risk factor for divorce (Rosenfeld & Roesler, 2019). This does not mean that every couple that lives together prior to marriage later divorces; nor does it suggest that not living together first guarantees stability. It simply looks at the group data at large and shows a trend between living together prior to marriage and subsequent separations. Across all years examined in this study, the odds of divorce were 1.31 times higher for women who cohabitated prior to marriage.

Cohabitation may confer "short-term benefits" in the sense that divorce risk is lower for these couples right after the wedding (within the first 6 months) and slightly lower in the subsequent 6 months. During that initial year, couples that did not live together first are at higher risk for divorce. Maybe cohabitators have less of an abrupt transition after marriage, and this gives them an initial advantage. However, the tide turns after that first year, and people who cohabitated before marriage end up having elevated risk relative to those who did not.

Cohabitation Is Common and Normative, but Still a Risk Factor

There's no doubt that American culture views cohabitation differently now than it did 50 years ago, and that cohabitation is on the rise. This rise may reflect changes in stigma towards premarital sex , delays in the age of first marriage, and high housing expenses that make cohabitation a good financial decision. As much as cohabitation is now normative, it remains a risk factor for divorce. ( See potential reasons why, including the inertial effect, here .)

Facebook image: G-Stock Studio/Shutterstock

Bagley, L. A., Kimberly, C., Marino, A., Clark, P., & Pomeroy, C. (2019). Beliefs About premarital cohabitation: Do individuals believe living together helps divorce-proof marriage?. Contemporary Family Therapy , 1-7.

Bennett, N. G., Blanc, A. K., & Bloom, D. E. (1988). Commitment and the modern union: Assessing the link between premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital stability. American Sociological Review, 127-138.

Gurrentz, B. (2018). Cohabitation is Down for Young Adults. https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2018/11/cohabitaiton-is-up-marri…

Hemez, P., & Manning, W. D. (2017). Over twenty-five years of change in cohabitation experience in the US, 1987-2013. Family Profiles.

Rosenfeld, M. J., & Roesler, K. (2019). Cohabitation experience and cohabitation's association with marital dissolution. Journal of Marriage and Family, 81, 42– 58

Theresa DiDonato, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland.

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So Is Living Together Before Marriage Linked to Divorce or What?

Why researchers can't agree after decades of studies

Late last month, the Journal of Marriage and Family published a new study with a somewhat foreboding finding: Couples who lived together before marriage had a lower divorce rate in their first year of marriage, but had a higher divorce rate after five years. It supported earlier research linking premarital cohabitation to increased risk of divorce.

But just two weeks later, the Council on Contemporary Families—a nonprofit group at the University of Texas at Austin—published a report that came to the exact opposite conclusion: Premarital cohabitation seemed to make couples less likely to divorce. From the 1950s through 1970, “those who were willing to transgress strong social norms to cohabit … were also more likely to transgress similar social norms about divorce,” wrote the author, Arielle Kuperberg, a sociology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. But as the rate of premarital cohabitation ballooned to some 70 percent, “its association with divorce faded. In fact, since 2000, premarital cohabitation has actually been associated with a lower rate of divorce, once factors such as religiosity, education, and age at co-residence are accounted for.”

It’s not unheard-of for contemporaneous studies on the same topic to reach opposite conclusions, but it’s somewhat surprising for them to do so after analyzing so much of the same data. Both studies analyzed several cycles of the National Survey of Family Growth, a longitudinal data set of women (and men, starting in 2002) between the ages of 15 and 44, though Kuperberg’s study incorporates some data from another survey as well. And, this isn’t the first time researchers have come to differing conclusions about the implications of premarital cohabitation. The practice has been studied for more than 25 years, and there’s been significant disagreement from the start as to whether premarital cohabitation increases couples’ risk of divorce. Differences in researchers’ methodologies and priorities account for some of that disagreement. But in the curious, still-developing story of whether cohabitation does or doesn’t affect the odds of divorce, subjectivity on the part of researchers and the public may also play a leading role.

Read: The science of cohabitation

After a landmark study from 1992 suggested a link between living together and divorce, a flurry of subsequent studies investigated why this might be. Intuitively, a trial run of living together before marriage should increase the stability of a relationship. One such study questioned whether the relationship between cohabitation and divorce was a product of selection: Could it just be that people who were more likely to consider divorce an option were more likely to live together unmarried?

However, over the years, many researchers began wondering whether earlier findings that linked cohabitation to divorce were a relic of a time when living together before marriage was an unconventional thing to do. Indeed, as cohabitation has become more normalized, it has ceased to be so strongly linked to divorce. Steffen Reinhold, of the University of Mannheim’s Research Institute for the Economics of Aging, pointed out in a 2010 study that in European countries, the correlation disappeared when the cohabitation-before-marriage rate among married adults reached about 50 percent; the U.S. seems to have just gotten to this threshold. In 2012, a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family concluded that “since the mid-1990s, whether men or women cohabited with their spouse prior to marriage is not related to marital stability.” This is the same journal that just published a study finding the opposite.

Galena Rhoades, a psychologist at the University of Denver, has a few theories as to why it’s so difficult to glean what effect, if any, cohabitation has on marital stability. For one, she says, it’s hard to study divorce in ways that are useful and accurate, because the best data sets take so long to collect. Many people don’t get divorced until many years into their marriage, and the social norms around cohabitation in the U.S. have evolved quickly, so “if we study a cohort of people who got married 20 years ago, by the time we have the data on whether they got a divorce or not, their experience in living together and their experience of the social norms around living together are from 20 years ago,” Rhoades told me. In other words, by the time researchers have enough longitudinal data to know whether one is meaningfully linked to the other, the social norms that shaped the findings will hardly be of use to couples today trying to figure out how cohabitation could affect their relationship. Thus, Rhoades said, longitudinal studies tend to paint a full picture of the relationship between living together and divorce, while simultaneously telling Americans today little about the time they actually live in.

Rhoades believes that studies should take into consideration couples’ intentions when they move in together—something neither of the recently published studies does. As she and her colleague Scott Stanley have found in their own research, when analyzing only couples who move in together with the intention of getting married, and thus excluding those who eschew marriage or just want to save money on rent, the heightened risk of divorce disappears. That’s because living together—which often results in a shared apartment lease or ownership of a home, joint custody of pets, or at the very least a shared accumulation of stuff—makes breaking up a greater logistical challenge.

“Some couples move in together without really having a plan for their relationship, and they can ‘wind up’ getting married even though they may not have if they hadn’t been living together,” she says. Which in turn leads to a lower degree of marital satisfaction and a higher risk of divorce.

Read: The age of ‘shotgun cohabitation’

But as Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute and the author of the book Tell Me What You Want , says, there might be more to the scholarly controversy over cohabitation than just disagreements about methodology or analysis.

“It’s not just that we’re talking about different outcomes; we’re talking about using the same data and showing different outcomes,” he told me. It comes down to: “Whose judgment do we trust more?”

One reason Lehmiller thinks premarital cohabitation may be controversial among researchers is because the practice is controversial in general. It has historically been culturally frowned upon—it is, after all, an unapologetic signal to the outside world that premarital sex is being had in a particular household. In many places, that stigma lingers today, which could give the studies linking it to unsuccessful marriages some staying power.

“Popular beliefs tend to die hard, even in the face of evidence that might disconfirm them,” Lehmiller said. “Some people might want to believe certain things about the impact of living together before marriage, maybe stemming from religious or moral beliefs.”

But Rhoades pushed back on the suggestion that some bias toward confirming researchers’ own beliefs may be at work. “In general that can be true in psychology and in sociology; any scientific field, I think that can happen,” she said. “But because there’s such heated debate, I would bet that good researchers are extra careful about what they wind up publishing.”

As researchers move toward a more nuanced understanding of what cohabitation means for the future of unmarried romantic partners, several factors urgently need to be considered, according to the experts I spoke with. Lehmiller said studies of cohabitation should start working with data sets that include same-sex couples and move away from equating the stability of a marriage with its success. “Some people have views about marriage that would lead them to stay in one even if it’s not satisfying,” he said. In other words, just because a marriage lasts doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best outcome for either party.

Rhoades, though, believes that research should acknowledge the many simultaneous ways marriage itself is changing versus just couples’ living situations before they tie the knot. As the average age of when Americans marry rises, so does the average number of Americans’ sexual partners before marrying . People are simply experiencing more before committing to one partner for life, she said, and expectations of the institution are shifting accordingly. As the research on what makes people get married and stay married matures, it’s important for researchers to think about all those premarital experiences as having an aggregate impact on marriages and families. “Cohabitation is just one part of it,” she said. “There’s a larger landscape for us to be considering.”

9 Big Benefits Of Living Together Before Marriage

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When two people fall in love and are in a committed relationship, the topic of marriage may very well come up.

After all, what better way to prove your mutual adoration and devotion than to exchange vows promising to love, honor, and cherish each other forever?

Well, those vows are a lot easier to keep if you’ve sorted out beforehand whether you can cohabitate harmoniously.

I mean, what could be worse than marrying someone, moving in together, and then discovering that they get drunk and abusive when stressed out?

Or that they’re reckless with money, leaving mutual bills unpaid, and leaving the financial burden on your shoulders?

There are many benefits of living together before marriage – even if just for a little while. Below are the top nine reasons to consider doing so.

1. You get to determine whether you’re actually compatible.

It’s one thing to spend Friday nights together and attend events as a couple.

It’s another thing entirely to share a living space.

People tend to be on their best behavior when they’re dating, as they’re trying to make the best impression possible.

It’s easy to smile, and be charming, and wear certain personality masks for a few hours a week.

A person’s true colors, however, come out over time. This is especially true if there are stressful situations to contend with.

If you live with someone before making the commitment to marry them, you may discover some really unpalatable truths about their character, or their lifestyle choices.

Are they content to live off you without contributing financially? Are they unhygienic?

You may find out that they snore too loudly for you to be able to handle. Or your morning rituals may be too perky and annoying for them to deal with.

We all have habits that we’ve cultivated over the years; rituals that soothe and comfort us. But that doesn’t mean that two people’s habits are compatible.

If your Saturday morning habit is to leap out of bed to go out for a run, and your partner likes to rest in a pillow pile until noon, that can be negotiated so you’re both fulfilled.

In contrast, if your morning ritual involves blasting rap at 6am so you can do your crossfit routines, and all they want to do is rest, that’s going to cause a whole lot of conflict.

2. It may uncover potential deal breakers.

As mentioned above, people are on their best behavior when getting to know new people.

And even if you date for years, you may not fully know someone if you only ever see them a few times a week.

So, another advantage of living together before marriage even crosses your minds is that you may discover aspects of how they live that are just too awful to handle.

Let’s say your partner claims to like animals, but once you live together, you discover that they’re cruel to your pet.

Or you find out that their tendency to get inebriated at parties also manifests as drinking themselves to sleep night after night.

You may even find that they have anger issues that manifest as explosive, abusive rants or – heavens forbid it – physical violence.

There are countless different deal breakers that may only reveal themselves once you’ve been living together for a while.

It’s better to learn about these as early on as possible, so you don’t find yourself in an excruciating situation (such as dependent, with children) that will be far more difficult to leave.

3. You’ll discover whether your intimacy is a hearth fire or wildfire.

One of the most amazing things about a new relationship is the fire of intimacy that burns between two people.

Once you’re comfortable enough with one another that you can have real sexual openness, you’ll likely revel in each other’s bodies for hours at a time. Days even.

But is this passion sustainable?

An intimate connection can be as incendiary as a wildfire, consuming everything around it… but then fizzles out quickly.

In contrast, another flame may be slow, steady, and sustained. Basically, an ember that can glow in a hearth pretty much forever.

Yes, intimacy inevitably ebbs and flows over the course of a relationship. There will undoubtedly be times when you’re more platonic, and other times when you’re devouring one another.

But if you lose sexual interest in each other within a couple of months of cohabitation, you’ll need to ask yourselves whether you really want to stay in self-soothing platonic land for the next 50 years.

4. It will show naysayers that you are a united couple.

Not all relationships are supported by family and friends. In fact, you may have come across powerful resistance from your loved ones if you’re dating someone who is another race, religion, or gender than they approve of.

They may have even gone so far as to try to break you up so you could be with someone they would prefer.

Moving in together shows them that you have each other’s backs, and are a united front against whatever they’re slinging.

To say that you’re in a relationship is one thing: people can remain in denial about it all they want. But once you’re sharing a living space, that’s a big wake-up call for them about how serious you are.

5. Cohabitation allows positive and negative personality traits to shine forth.

Living together might make you fall in love with your partner even more, as you discover that they’re even more awesome than you first realized.

You may find that they do really sweet, thoughtful things at home, or their actions really bring out the best in you, in turn.

In contrast, many people who have to extricate themselves from marriages to narcissists kick themselves for not having seen their spouse’s horrible personality traits before they exchanged vows.

The truth is that it can take a year or more for a narcissist to show the darker aspects of their personality. They only allow their charming facade to slip under pressure, or if someone else comes along who captures their interest.

If you rush into marriage with a person who seems too good to be true, there’s a good chance they actually are.

So, another reason to give yourselves a good year or two of solid cohabitation is to determine how authentic the other person is being.

Only once the honeymoon period has passed will you really understand whether you’ll be able to have a happy life together.

6. You’ll be able to establish good shared habits.

It can take a long time for a couple to get into a good working groove together, and it’s better to get that sorted well before you heave each other over the nuptial threshold.

Living together before marriage allows you to encourage one another’s best traits, and work together to create routines and habits that benefit you both.

People who live alone often get lazy about the foods they eat, opting for quick convenience rather than health. When you live together, you’ll be able to pool finances for higher-quality groceries, and explore different recipes together.

You’ll likely also encourage one another to get into healthier exercise and sleep routines, and also coordinate time with other friends, hobbies, etc.

That way, once you’re married, you’ve already gotten the bumps smoothed and have paved the way for a far more comfortable partnership.

7. It’s a trial run for long-term life together.

Actions speak a lot louder than words ever do, and the way a person behaves after you’ve been living together for about six months will give you a solid idea of what they’ll be like in several years.

You might have spent weekends together, or gone camping for a week, but that’s very different from regular, day-to-day life.

Living together allows you to see what this person is like long-term.

Do they step up and do their share of the cooking and cleaning, or do they abdicate those responsibilities and let you take care of it?

Are they diligent about picking up after themselves? What about paying bills on time?

When you live together before making a lifetime commitment to do so, you have an idea of whether you can, in fact, cohabitate harmoniously.

If you can negotiate problems early on and find solutions together, great!

In contrast, if every issue is met with hostility, then that’s a big red flag to consider.

8. Moving out is cheaper and easier than divorce.

Sure, everyone loves the energy and delight that bubbles up at a wedding. Of all the celebrations we can take part in over the course of our lives, weddings hold the most joy. After all, they’re celebrations of love, devotion, and potential.

They’re also usually quite expensive. And if you think marriage is costly, divorce can be even worse.

Depending on how long you’ve been married, you won’t only have to deal with legal fees to process your divorce: you may also contend with property division, shared childcare costs, spousal support, and a myriad other expenses.

If you cohabitate with your partner before getting tied up with all the legalities associated with marriage, and you two determine that you’re just incompatible long term, one of you can just move out.

9. You may decide that you prefer to live alone.

If you’ve never lived with a partner before, cohabitation before marriage may show you that you know what…? You really prefer to live by yourself!

That doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship has to end. There are many different ways to negotiate different living situations that can keep everyone happy.

I knew one couple who bought adjacent townhouses and lived next door to one another, very happily, for decades. Last I heard, they were still together, content with their own spaces, and completely committed to one another.

And hey, if you’re happier living alone, that’s absolutely okay. It’s better to be honest about it early on than break up a family dynamic several years down the road.

There are undoubtedly some people who will have a list of cons about living together before marriage. They would even say that some of the benefits listed above are actually cons because they might lead to the breakup of the relationship.

But if a relationship is going to fail upon cohabitation, it would end after marriage and the subsequent shared living arrangements anyway. Or worse, one or both partners might feel trapped in an unhappy marriage , unable to leave for a variety of reasons.

It seems naive and irresponsible for couples to expect that marriage will make cohabitation a stress-free, magical experience. It really won’t.

It takes time for all the facets of people’s personalities to reveal themselves, and only by living together for a solid period of time before exchanging vows will you be able to determine whether you can handle living together forever.

Still not sure whether it’s a good idea to live together before marriage? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat .

You may also like:

• Your Moving In Together Checklist – 8 Things to Consider Beforehand
• Why Do People Get Married? 15 Good And Bad Reasons For Marriage!
• What To Do If Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Get Married, But You Do
• What Does Loyalty Mean In A Relationship?

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About The Author

Catherine Winter is an herbalist, INTJ empath, narcissistic abuse survivor, and PTSD warrior currently based in Quebec's Laurentian mountains. In an informal role as confidant and guide, Catherine has helped countless people work through difficult times in their lives and relationships, including divorce, ageing and death journeys, grief, abuse, and trauma recovery, as they navigate their individual paths towards healing and personal peace.

• relationships

More People Think It’s Fine for Unwed Couples to Live Together. Here’s Why Many Still Think Marriage Is Better

M ore Americans have lived with a romantic partner than have married one, a new study from Pew Research shows . And only a small minority of people now see unwed couples living together as anything to get upset about. Despite this, married people still report more satisfaction with their relationship, more closeness to their partner and a lot more trust in them.

These two seemingly confounding trends — a societal acceptance of not marrying alongside a personal preference for being married — mirror much of what is happening to the institution in the U.S. It’s having an identity crisis. While marriage is no longer a must-do, it’s not quite clear what it’s becoming instead — a reward? A luxury? A parenting arrangement? It’s almost as if America and marriage haven’t had that Define The Relationship talk yet. A marriage certificate ranks low on the things people think are necessary for a fulfilling life and yet the number of Americans who are currently married (53%) completely dwarves the number of unmarried people who currently live together (7%).

Pew’s study , which uses data from a nationally representative survey of nearly 10,000 Americans over 18 as well as from the National Survey of Family Growth, heralds a turning point in the makeup of the American family. As recently as 2002, those who had lived with a romantic partner (54%) were outnumbered by those who had married one (60%). Now those proportions are almost reversed, with 59% of Americans having ever cohabited and only half having ever married.

Unsurprisingly, this change has been accompanied by a marked shift in attitudes toward the different kind of household arrangements. Almost seven in ten people see nothing wrong with lovers living together even if they don’t intend to get married. The remaining 30% are split; half think it’s O.K. if the duo intend to get married, and half find it unacceptable under any circumstances.

However, the U.S. hasn’t gone completely Scandinavian. A slight majority (53%) agreed that “society will be better off” if those who have shacked up do eventually tie the knot (probably because they consider it a more stable environment for raising children). “Even among young people, a substantial share still say it’s desirable for society if people get married,” says Juliana Horowitz, associate director of research at Pew and one of the authors of the report. Evangelicals and African Americans are more likely to express that view, according to the survey, but they were hardly the only ones.

Why do people still make it official when the stigma attached to unwed cohabitation is all but gone? One possible answer the report provided: security. The survey’s respondents, 57% of whom were married and 9% of whom were cohabiting, had notably different levels of trust in their partners. Two-thirds of the married individuals trusted their partners to tell them the truth; only half of the unmarried did. About three-quarters of married folks trusted their partner to act in their best interest; fewer than 60% of the unmarried felt the same way. And while 56% of married partners believed their partners could be trusted to handle money responsibly, only 40% of cohabiters felt the same way. (Those numbers are still quite low, which may explain the rise of the couples’ financial therapist ).

Of course, people are more likely trust those with whom they have a history, but this assurance was not necessarily the product of time and experience. “We did control for duration of relationship,” says Horowitz. Even among those who had been together for the same amount of time, “being married was still correlated with having high levels of trust.”

Scott Stanley, a research professor and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, Colorado, who was not involved in this study but has researched cohabiting extensively, suggests that’s because “marriage has a high signal value as to intention.” Married people are advertising their commitment. “When somebody tells you, ‘That’s my spouse,’ you know a ton of information about the relationship and the level of commitment,” he says. “But you could have 10 different couples tell you they’re cohabiting and for some of them it’s like dating with a lot of sleepovers, for others it’s a lot like marriage in terms of their intention, and for another few, which is the worst deal, it’s one person thinking it’s one thing and the other person thinking it’s not. Cohabitation doesn’t force clarity like marriage does.”

Pew’s researchers also found that married couples were more satisfied with the way their partners handled most of the usual couple chafing points: parenting, chores, work-life balance and communication. In the matter of sex, it was too close to call and a tad depressing: 36% of married Americans and 34% of those living together are very satisfied with their sex lives . This finding surprised the researchers. “Cohabiters tend to be younger and therefore more satisfied with their sex lives,” says Horowitz. “But that’s not what we found — and that was interesting.”

While nearly all of those surveyed named love and companionship as one of the major reasons for their shared residence, those who were not married were more likely than wedded couples to cite financial pressures, convenience and pregnancy as big motivations for moving in with each other. About a quarter of cohabiters said they had moved in together in part to test the waters for marrying each other. But more than a third (38%) shared an address partly because it made financial sense.

And just as money plays a role in pushing people together, it can also work to keep them from getting married. More than half of those who were cohabiting cited either their partners’ finances or their own as a reason they were not yet engaged. That’s more than those who said they weren’t ready, their partner wasn’t ready, their career wasn’t far enough along or they were not sure if their partner was The One. Those with a college degree were more likely to see moving in together as a step toward marriage than those without a college degree.

And, as Stanley points out, money also keeps some people in cohabiting relationships when they don’t want to be. “In particular we find that when women say they’re moving in for reasons of financial convenience, that’s associated with negative characteristics of relationships,” he says. “It’s like, ‘I wouldn’t be here if I could afford to live on my own.'” His r esearch suggests that the commonly expressed view that people should live together to test the relationship is ill-founded . “Over seven published studies , we’ve found that living together before you’re engaged is just riskier,” he says.

In terms of partnering arrangements, there are three basic choices — alone, living informally with someone or married. They all have their upsides and downsides and there’s a lot of variations within each category. Plenty of cohabiting relationships have more commitment and clarity than plenty of marriages. But the Pew study suggests that if it’s commitment you’re looking for, being married is a pair of hiking boots and living together is a pair of stilettos. Both can get you where you want to be, but only one is designed with that in mind.

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3 Pros Of Living Together Before Marriage

Posted: April 25, 2024 | Last updated: May 2, 2024

Many couples question whether they should move in together before getting married. Here are three pros of doing it. 1. Sharing Finances Most couples keep personal items and clothes at each other’s places anyways, so you may as well pay the one set of bills. Sharing finances also enables you to save some extra money for your future together. 2. You Build A Stronger Bond Living together before marriage is a great test to see if you can sustain the relationship for the long term. The struggles of living with someone new will also make the relationship with your partner stronger. 3. Less Stress When You Do Get Married Living with anyone new can be stressful, but finding out your partner’s bad habits after marriage is more stressful. Moving in before marriage will allow for an easier and less stressful transition into married life.

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