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August 16, 2021

Is it time to get rid of homework? Mental health experts weigh in

by Sara M Moniuszko

It's no secret that kids hate homework. And as students grapple with an ongoing pandemic that has had a wide-range of mental health impacts, is it time schools start listening to their pleas over workloads?

Some teachers are turning to social media to take a stand against homework .

Tiktok user @misguided.teacher says he doesn't assign it because the "whole premise of homework is flawed."

For starters, he says he can't grade work on "even playing fields" when students' home environments can be vastly different.

"Even students who go home to a peaceful house, do they really want to spend their time on busy work? Because typically that's what a lot of homework is, it's busy work," he says in the video that has garnered 1.6 million likes. "You only get one year to be 7, you only got one year to be 10, you only get one year to be 16, 18."

Mental health experts agree heavy work loads have the potential do more harm than good for students, especially when taking into account the impacts of the pandemic. But they also say the answer may not be to eliminate homework altogether.

Emmy Kang, mental health counselor at Humantold, says studies have shown heavy workloads can be "detrimental" for students and cause a "big impact on their mental, physical and emotional health."

"More than half of students say that homework is their primary source of stress, and we know what stress can do on our bodies," she says, adding that staying up late to finish assignments also leads to disrupted sleep and exhaustion.

Cynthia Catchings, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist at Talkspace, says heavy workloads can also cause serious mental health problems in the long run, like anxiety and depression.

And for all the distress homework causes, it's not as useful as many may think, says Dr. Nicholas Kardaras, a psychologist and CEO of Omega Recovery treatment center.

"The research shows that there's really limited benefit of homework for elementary age students, that really the school work should be contained in the classroom," he says.

For older students, Kang says homework benefits plateau at about two hours per night.

"Most students, especially at these high-achieving schools, they're doing a minimum of three hours, and it's taking away time from their friends from their families, their extracurricular activities. And these are all very important things for a person's mental and emotional health."

Catchings, who also taught third to 12th graders for 12 years, says she's seen the positive effects of a no homework policy while working with students abroad.

"Not having homework was something that I always admired from the French students (and) the French schools, because that was helping the students to really have the time off and really disconnect from school ," she says.

The answer may not be to eliminate homework completely, but to be more mindful of the type of work students go home with, suggests Kang, who was a high-school teacher for 10 years.

"I don't think (we) should scrap homework, I think we should scrap meaningless, purposeless busy work-type homework. That's something that needs to be scrapped entirely," she says, encouraging teachers to be thoughtful and consider the amount of time it would take for students to complete assignments.

The pandemic made the conversation around homework more crucial

Mindfulness surrounding homework is especially important in the context of the last two years. Many students will be struggling with mental health issues that were brought on or worsened by the pandemic, making heavy workloads even harder to balance.

"COVID was just a disaster in terms of the lack of structure. Everything just deteriorated," Kardaras says, pointing to an increase in cognitive issues and decrease in attention spans among students. "School acts as an anchor for a lot of children, as a stabilizing force, and that disappeared."

But even if students transition back to the structure of in-person classes, Kardaras suspects students may still struggle after two school years of shifted schedules and disrupted sleeping habits.

"We've seen adults struggling to go back to in-person work environments from remote work environments. That effect is amplified with children because children have less resources to be able to cope with those transitions than adults do," he explains.

'Get organized' ahead of back-to-school

In order to make the transition back to in-person school easier, Kang encourages students to "get good sleep, exercise regularly (and) eat a healthy diet."

To help manage workloads, she suggests students "get organized."

"There's so much mental clutter up there when you're disorganized... sitting down and planning out their study schedules can really help manage their time," she says.

Breaking assignments up can also make things easier to tackle.

"I know that heavy workloads can be stressful, but if you sit down and you break down that studying into smaller chunks, they're much more manageable."

If workloads are still too much, Kang encourages students to advocate for themselves.

"They should tell their teachers when a homework assignment just took too much time or if it was too difficult for them to do on their own," she says. "It's good to speak up and ask those questions. Respectfully, of course, because these are your teachers. But still, I think sometimes teachers themselves need this feedback from their students."

©2021 USA Today Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

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Surviving Homework Struggles: A Compassionate Guide for Parents

You’re not the only parent to dread those regular homework struggles.

The sighs, the eye-rolling, the frustration or procrastination. Perhaps anxiety and tears.

It’s a scene replayed in many homes.

But take heart, and there are ways to transform homework struggles into positive and valuable experiences for both you and your child without a power struggle.

How This Guide Will Transform Homework Struggles

In this guide, I’m zeroing in on individual struggles and long-term solutions.

My goal is to help you create a homework environment that reduces stress and strengthens your child’s sense of self.

The Hidden World of Homework Stress

What your kids aren’t saying.

When your child scribbles “I hate maths” on her worksheet, it might not be the subject she’s rejecting.

It could be the fear of not being ‘good enough’ that’s the real issue.

Don’t dismiss these emotional clues. Probe gently, asking something like, “What’s the most challenging part of these math problems for you?”

In general, if your child makes sweeping generalizations about specific subjects or their abilities, try to dig a little deeper.

Get specific.

What is it they find difficult or daunting, or lack confidence in?

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Homework Struggles for Parents

Let’s face it; your emotions are in the mix too.

Whether it’s concern, frustration, or even your own difficult memories of school, your emotional state can influence the homework atmosphere.

It’s important to be aware of this. This means you can respond accordingly.

For example, if you feel “triggered” by spelling tests, make sure you choose a day or time to support your child with this work when you are in a positive state of mind.

The Many Faces of Homework Struggles

Reluctance to start: procrastination or something more.

If your child can recite historical facts like a pro but turns ghostly pale at the thought of English homework, there might be more going on than mere subject preference.

Some brains (particularly neurodivergent brains) struggle to shift between tasks, and in particular this can mean a child struggles getting started with a task.

The bigger the task, the more overwhelming it can feel. Open-ended tasks like essays or creative writing can be particular culprits.

The secret?

Help your child break it down.

If they are writing a story, think of a title together and then take a break. Then, spend time planning the storyline and take another break. Next, write the introductory paragraph.

“I Just Can’t Do It”: Understanding Blockages

When a child claims, “I can’t do it,” often what they’re really saying is, “I’m scared of failing.”

Instead of demanding they get on with it, try asking, “What’s holding you back from giving it a go?”

It’s vital to understand the blockage so that you can make an effective plan.

Perhaps they are worried about getting it wrong.

Perhaps they can’t get motivated because they have ADHD and find the task boring .

Or perhaps they just feel overwhelmed and need extra help with the planning stages.

All of these blockages require an understanding and empathetic response, additional practical support, and a step-by-step, methodical approach to getting the task done.

Identifying the Real Issues With Homework Struggles

Not all homework struggles are the same.

Remember, each child is unique, so a one-size-fits-all solution is unlikely to cut it.

From learning styles to emotional triggers, identifying the specifics will inform your action plan.

Homework Struggles and Wider Social Emotional Issues

Your child’s difficulties with homework might not exist in a vacuum.

Could social issues at school, issues with a specific teacher, or even undiagnosed learning challenges be contributing?

Think of yourself as a detective.

Take time to observe, listen and make notes until you have uncovered the full picture.

TAKE THE QUIZ!

Sparking Independent Learning

Fueling passion projects as an antidote to homework struggles.

Engaging in a passion project can boost your child’s motivation.

When kids work on something they love, they’re more willing to learn and it builds their confidence as learners. This enthusiasm often spills over into their academic tasks, including homework.

For instance, a project on endangered animals isn’t just fun for a child who loves the natural world. It helps with skills like research, planning, and presentation. These are abilities they can then apply to schoolwork. They see the value in acquiring knowledge and become proactive learners.

Working on a passion project together can also improve parent-child relations. You get to understand your child’s interests better, making homework time more cooperative.

Beyond Homework: Encouraging a Love for Learning

Homework is important, but it’s just one aspect of education. Cultivating a love for learning goes beyond the classroom.

Everyday activities can be teaching moments. Whether it’s cooking dinner or assembling a bookshelf, you can spark curiosity. Show your child how math and science are part of these tasks.

Trips to museums or nature walks can enrich their knowledge. These outings make learning a fun, family activity.

Reading together can also be powerful. Choose topics your child is interested in. This builds a habit of seeking knowledge for pleasure, not just for grades.

The aim is to show learning as a lifelong journey. This perspective can transform how your child views homework and school.

Your attitude toward learning as an adult will impact your child heavily.

Be curious, ask questions, and explore. You’ll be laying the foundation for a lifetime of learning.

The Homework Struggles Parental Toolkit

The power of the right questions.

When you’re supporting your child through homework issues, asking the right questions is transformative. Skillful questions guide your child toward finding their own answers, growing essential problem-solving skills.

When faced with homework challenges, steer away from giving direct solutions. Queries like, “What’s the first step?” help your child think critically.

By asking questions, you also encourage reflective thinking. It opens up dialogue about their reasoning and approach, building communication skills.

For example, if your older child is stuck on a history question, you could ask, “What context do you have?” This nudges them to examine facts and synthesize information.

Questions like, “How would you approach this differently?” can help them learn from mistakes. It cultivates resilience and a growth mindset.

Positive Reinforcement: What Works

Positive reinforcement plays an important role in shaping your child’s attitude toward learning. The key is to build intrinsic motivation while being mindful of the role that external rewards play.

Specific and genuine praise, like “You worked hard on that problem,” helps cultivate internal motivation.

This type of reinforcement focuses on effort , and aims to build a love for the learning process itself.

External rewards, such as treats or stickers, can be useful but come with caveats.

While they provide immediate motivation, reliance on them can make children dependent on external validation and still not feel internally motivated to learn. This could be problematic as they grow older, especially in early adulthood when rewards will be less frequent.

To strike a balance, consider using intermittent rewards . These are given unpredictably and can help sustain interest without creating dependency.

In the long run, the goal is to shift the focus from external rewards to intrinsic motivation. This encourages a genuine love for learning , benefiting not just academic performance but also lifelong personal growth.

Preventing Homework Struggles: Timings of Homework Sessions

The timing of homework sessions is crucial for preventing struggles. Setting a specific time for school work can enhance focus and productivity.

Younger children often benefit from completing assignments soon after school, when information is still fresh. (But make sure they have had at least 30-60 minutes of free time to decompress from school.) Waiting until the end of the day can make it challenging for them to concentrate, affecting the quality of their work.

For older kids and teenagers, it’s equally important not to leave study time for late at night. Cognitive functions decline as we tire, making late hours suboptimal for absorbing new information.

The most important thing is to find a consistent time that works best for your child. This helps them internalize a routine, making it easier to complete assignments and engage in meaningful study time.

Strategies for Different Age Groups

Primary school homework struggles: getting the basic right.

Consistency is key when dealing with primary school homework battles. Young children especially benefit from a structured routine.

Making homework a regular, yet brief, part of their day can work wonders. Aim for a consistent time slot, turning it into a habit as natural as brushing teeth.

Creating a designated workspace can also be beneficial. It sets the scene for focused work, minimizing distractions and disruptions.

Introduce short breaks to keep them engaged. Children’s attention spans are limited, so a five-minute break can refresh and reset their focus. Movement breaks are particularly important.

The goal isn’t just to complete homework. It’s to instill good study habits and a positive attitude toward learning, laying the groundwork for future academic success.

High School Homework Struggles: The Juggling Act

Teenagers have a more complex world to navigate. They juggle academic responsibilities alongside social and extra-curricular commitments and many have a hard time coping.

A robust organizational system is crucial.

Whether it’s a physical planner or a digital calendar, having a centralized place for tracking assignments and activities helps them manage their time effectively. They make getting started easier for the brain, so that not too much time is spent procrastinating.

Color-coding subjects or activities can assist with building organizational skills. It provides a quick, visual way to gauge their commitments and deadlines.

Time-management apps or techniques can also aid in prioritizing homework assignments. Methods like the Pomodoro Technique can make homework more manageable and less daunting.

Encourage regular check-ins on their calendar. This keeps them accountable and helps prevent last-minute stress.

The aim is to empower your teen with skills they’ll carry into adulthood.

Mastery over their homework schedules this school year sets the stage for future personal and professional success.

Working in Partnership with the School

Reaching out to teachers.

If you have concerns, don’t hesitate to contact your child’s teacher.

Timing and approach matter.

Parent-teacher conferences or scheduled face to face meetings are the best avenues. In-person communication is the best way to develop a positive relationship built on mutual understanding.

Open, respectful communication sets the stage for a collaborative relationship. Be prepared with specific questions or examples to discuss, making the conversation more productive.

Homework Struggles: Effective Strategies for Parent-Teacher Partnerships

Consistency between home and school is crucial for your child’s success. When you and the school send unified messages, it reinforces expectations and guidelines.

Regular communication with the teacher helps maintain this consistency.

Consider periodic check-ins or updates to discuss progress and potential areas for improvement.

When both parties are aligned, it creates a supportive environment. This makes it easier for your child to adapt, thrive, and achieve academic success.

The Homework Struggles Balancing Act: Pushing and Holding Back

When it’s okay to push.

Education is important, but there’s a fine line between encouragement and undue pressure. Being supportive is about motivating your child while respecting their limits.

Positive reinforcement and setting achievable goals can make the learning process more enjoyable. This strikes a balance between maintaining academic focus and preserving well-being

If Your Child Refuses To Do Homework

When your child outright refuses to do homework, it’s a clear signal to pause and evaluate.

Resistance stems from underlying issues, be it academic challenges, stress, or a lack of interest.

Instead of immediate consequences, open a non-judgmental dialogue. Ask questions like, “What’s making this hard for you?” or “How can we make this better?” This makes your child feel heard and supported.

If your child completely refuses to do homework, collaboration with the school is crucial to take the pressure off you and your child and ensure a close partnership.

Open dialogue with teachers can lead to tailored solutions, such as a temporary reduction or removal of homework. This creates a supportive network around your child, addressing the issue from multiple angles and setting the stage for a more positive relationship with schoolwork.

The Warning Signs: Your Child’s Mental Health Comes First

If you notice signs of stress, anxiety , or depression linked to homework struggles, it’s essential to pay close attention.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a step back. Evaluate the workload and its impact on your child’s mental health. Too much homework is counterproductive in every way.

If concerns persist, consider seeking professional advice .

Homework Struggles: Closing Thoughts

The never-ending journey.

Just like parenting, adapting to the changing demands of homework is an ever-evolving journey

You will need to continue to learn, adapt, and grow alongside your child.

You’re now well-armed with strategies and insights to transform the homework experience from a tug-of-war to a harmonious, enriching activity for both you and your child.

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34 Quotes to Perfectly Wrap Up the School Year with Inspiration

Dr Lucy Russell is a UK clinical psychologist who works with children and families. Her work involves both therapeutic support and  autism assessments . She is the Clinical Director of Everlief Child Psychology, and also worked in the National Health Service for many years.

In 2019 Lucy launched They Are The Future, a support website for parents of school-aged children. Through TATF Lucy is passionate about giving practical, manageable strategies to parents and children who may otherwise struggle to find the support they need. Lucy is a mum to two teenage children. She lives in Buckinghamshire   with her husband, children, rescue dog and three rescue cats. She enjoys caravanning and outdoor living, singing and musical theatre.

UK parents, looking for expert parenting advice?

Dr. Lucy Russell’s Everlief Parent Club offers a clear path towards a calmer, happier family life. This monthly membership includes exclusive workshops, direct support from child psychologists, and access to our private Facebook community.

Together, we can move towards a calm, happy family life and boost your child’s wellbeing. Become a member today !

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Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

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• Would you suggest any further contact? Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one l...

Homework Emotions in Children and Parents

Negative emotions can help get homework done..

Posted December 23, 2015

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Most kids and their parents hate homework, or at best don’t see the point of it. Teachers are not that fond of homework either, but they are expected to assign it. I will not be reviewing the merits and disadvantages of extended learning—what homework is supposed to be—since this has been done for decades. Let’s assume, for the time being, homework is here to stay regardless of the fact that many children and parents believe it makes their lives miserable. Since homework assignments can activate negative emotions, let’s take a look at how to effectively use those feelings to get it done.

A homework assignment can be a stimulus for any number of emotions. Erroneously, many children, parents, teachers, and even psychological researchers believe that children should be interested in doing their homework or enjoy doing it. However, in most cases, that’s just not going to happen. This belief is rooted in the notion that only positive emotions such as interest, excitement, or enjoyment are what motivate us. Granted, positive emotions are motivating because that’s their purpose, just as it is with negative emotions or neutral ones. In fact, at the core of our motivational system is emotion . Through their creation of bodily feelings, core emotions motivate us by directing our attention and giving us information about what’s going on. Thoughts and images (cognitions) that arise at the same time, make more specific the information provided by emotion.

Yet how many kids have a motivational system that will trigger the emotion of excitement in response to a stimulus consisting of 2 pages of math problems? I predict the numbers will be low. Perhaps there are some children who learn for love: they are interested in doing their homework because they desire approval from a teacher, or because they want to please them. And how many parents consider their role of helping their child with 2 pages of math problems to be an interesting job or anticipate with excitement reminding their child to do it? Few, if any. Nevertheless, some researchers suggest that a parent should maintain positive emotions in the homework context to counter the child’s negative response, since children are supposed to enjoy homework as well. Essentially, they are suggesting a parent should fib, as well as negate what the child feels, since it is likely most parents are not so positive about homework and how their kids are feeling about it. Why would anyone want to teach a child that it’s okay to lie or dismiss how a child feels? Let’s consider an alternative strategy that may be more in alignment with human motivation ; essentially, helping a child effectively use the motivation provided by his negative emotions to get his homework done.

Most often, what motivates a child to do his or her homework (or a parent to oversee it) are negative emotions. Negative emotions, like distress, fear , anger , disgust, and shame , will motivate a child to do something to avoid them, or urge a child to do something that will relieve their effects.[1] This does not imply that a child should ever be threatened by a parent or teacher with a behavior that activates negative emotion. It’s punishment enough for a child who experiences negative emotion in response to pages of math problems, be it anger, disgust, fear, or the anticipation of shame. Parents who recognize how to help the child make use of negative emotion can provide their child a lifelong gift: understanding human motivation.

So here is my point: Essentially, all humans are motivated by a desire to turn on emotions that are positive or to turn off the negative ones. A child may not be interested in or excited about doing homework, regardless of your efficacy as a cheerleader. And you don’t have to offer rewards as incentives, which can lead a child to expect that he or she should only do something for an external reward. And they don’t really understand the concept of intrinsic rewards in 3rd grade. But they do understand the notion of relief. The reason to get homework done, from the perspective of negative emotions, is to feel better. Relief from an emotion that is negative does feel better and it represents a primary reason why humans take care of many tasks in their lives. There is also another important component to this process. That is, the child should have a choice about timing and be helped to maintain that commitment. She may prefer to seek immediate relief by getting the work done as soon as possible so that it is off her mind and she can play. Or she may prefer to specify a later time when it will be done and engage in other activities until that deadline appears. Either way, the focus is on being effective and efficient, doing one’s best work, and relieving the negative emotion either now or later. Like adults and their tasks, children develop such preferences and you may even want to help them experiment with each way, without imposing your own style of getting things done.

Unfortunately, instead, researchers emphasize that negative emotions, especially on the part of a parent, will undermine a child’s motivation.[2] [3] Granted, I completely agree about the importance of a parent keeping their interactions with their children fun and loving around homework.[4] However, fun and loving does not involve lying and pretending to be positive about homework when you’re not, including feigning how exciting and interesting it is. Besides, some amusing moments with a child can occur when together you can laugh about something evoking a negative emotion, such as disgust. Yuck! Homework is disgusting! As well it can make you feel angry, distressed, and afraid that you'll experience shame if it isn't done well. Thus, a positive fun and loving relationship between parent and child can happen around seeking relief from homework emotions that are negative, and learning at the same time how to effectively use the emotions that evolved to motivate us.

[1] Tomkins, S. Affect imagery consciousness (1962/2008), New York, NY: Springer.

[2] Pomerantz, E.; Wang, Q.; & Fei-Yin Ng, F. (2005), cited above.

[3] Hokoda, A., & Fincham, F. D. (1995). Origins of children’s helpless and mastery achievement patterns in the family. Journal of Educational Psychology, 87, 375–385.

[4] Pomerantz, E.; Wang, Q.; & Fei-Yin Ng, F. (2005), cited above.

(For information about my books, please visit my website, www.marylamia.com )

Mary C. Lamia , Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist in Marin County, California.

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Deborah Tillman: when your child says, “I hate homework!”

by: Leslie Crawford | Updated: September 26, 2024

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“Often times, parents go negative,” warns Deborah Tillman, star of America’s Supernanny . “The child says, ‘I’m not doing my homework!’ The parent says, ‘Yes you are doing the homework!’ Then it’s back-and-forth and arguing. Cut that out! What I do is: homework time for the whole family; everybody’s going to do something. When I’m going around the country working with children, I’ve actually put all the children at the table: a preschooler, an eleventh grader, a middle schooler. Everybody’s doing homework at homework time. Then it’s a lot easier because they feel like they’re not alone.

“What you want to do is to motivate, but you want to make sure a child understands that homework is nonnegotiable. You’re not going to have this long philosophical conversation with the child. They need to know: ‘Homework is nonnegotiable, because you’re in school and it’s your job to do the homework. Mommy and Daddy will help you as much as we can, but you have to do your homework. There’s no such thing as not doing your homework if you live in the house. We’re not going to have a battle about homework.'”

Here’s how 4 other parenting experts say to respond…

Adele Faber The famed How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk author offers her expert advice on exactly what to say to a homework-hating child. Format: Article  

Christine Carter The Raising Happiness author and child development expert explains two surprising things kids need to focus on their homework. Format: Video (2:09)  

Madeline Levine When it comes to homework troubles, the famed psychologist and The Price of Privilege author cautions parents against coming to your child’s rescue. Format: Video (1:20)  

Sara Bennett If your elementary schooler is unhappy about her nightly workload, the author of The Case Against Homework says it’s OK to do the unimaginable. Format: Article  

Get more tips and advice from America’s Supernanny Deborah Tillman .

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Help, My Child Hates Doing Homework!

Why you should agree with your kids when they tell you they hate doing their homework.

The great debate over homework is a struggle many parents face. The challenge probably looks similar across many homes. The child says, “Ugh, I hate doing my homework!” Followed by the parent saying, “Well, you have to — that’s part of your responsibilities.” This might be met with some type of schedule where the parent helps the child adhere to a more organized and structured way to complete his or her homework for the day. The arguing continues with the child asking to take a break every five minutes. 

By the time the homework is finished, everyone is exhausted. 

What if we explored this from the perspective of the child? She’s tired from her school day, and now she has to lug everything out of her backpack and spend more time doing the exact thing that has exhausted her in the first place. What if we validated how she felt and agreed? Meaning, every time they start to say they don’t like doing homework, instead of giving into to our kneed jerk reaction to stop the complaining, we say, “I understand, and I get how you’re feeling. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do your homework.” Agreement does not mean she doesn’t have to do it.

When my son was in middle school he came home and started to complain about an assignment he needed to complete at home. This particular year he had a teacher who was very “worksheet” happy. He started to complain, and I immediately tried to stop it. “Don’t complain, just focus and get your work done…you can do it!” 

Now, can you imagine if every time you complained to your spouse, partner or friend about something, they just shut you down quickly?

Before I launched into my “don’t complain” pep talk, I walked over to see my son’s assignment. He was right. It was a worksheet that asked him to color different shapes based on the answer of each math equation. For example, it asked him to color all the shapes with the number 2 blue, color all the shapes with number 10 yellow, and so on. By the way, he was 12. 

He had completed the math problems; he just didn’t feel like coloring. His complaint was fair, and here I was unwilling to acknowledge that. Instead, I said to him, “I totally get it. You’re right. That would annoy me too if I had to spend all this time coloring. Also, I know you’re tired, and when I feel tired the last thing I want to do is dive into more work.” 

The minute I agreed with him and told him I understood what he was feeling, he stopped complaining. He felt heard. There was no gain for him to keep fighting me.  

Once I agreed with him, I offered him a plan with an incentive. “Whether we agree with the assignment or not, it seems like in order for you to get credit for doing the work, you need to complete the coloring. Let’s do this, I’ll set a timer. It shouldn’t take you longer than 20 minutes to color this thing. Once you’re done, I will give you 15 extra minutes on your Xbox tonight.” 

It’s OK to give incentives here. When you are trying to establish a new behavior, your children may need some additional motivation at first.  

The minute I joined his team, and validated the way he felt, the arguing and complaining completely stopped. He knew I was there to hear him out. 

Once you agree that homework is a drag — because it is — you will want to come up with a plan together. For some children, homework may be challenging because it’s hard. You want to figure out why they’re avoiding it. It will help inform the way you move forward with your plan. 

For example, if math is challenging, tell your child you will do the first two problems with him. Then explain to him that you have to tend to something else and let him work independently on the rest. Don’t say you’re walking away so he can do it alone — you have to seem like you’re busy with something else, but that he’s got this. This will force him to work through some of the challenges independently. 

Here is how I was able to use PARR with my son when he complained about doing his homework (pause, acknowledge, respond, reflect).

He begins to complain about homework. 

I pause. I sense myself getting agitated. I can see that I’m about to respond automatically — stop complaining and get your homework done . Personally, I know I have to pause because I can physically sense that I’m agitated. My body tenses, my breathing quickens, my jaw tightens, etc. This physical response cues me to pause and breathe. 

I acknowledge that I feel triggered and bothered. Remember in this step I’m recognizing that I’m about to react from a triggered place, nothing else. I stop my automatic reaction.

I respond. Instead of the usual script that I had been using night after night, I decide to walk over and take a look at his homework while fully listening to his complaint. Not in a judgmental and annoyed way, but from an honest desire to understand his point of view. I wanted to make sure he knew I was listening. Once my response shifted and I was no longer responding from a triggered place, I was present. When this happens the solution or answer is much easier to identify. In this case, it was clear he needed an ally, and I was that for him. Also, we had to come up with a plan to decide how he was going to complete his homework. 

For every child and situation this plan will look different. Tune in to what your child needs. 

I reflect . Why does it bother me so much that he hates doing his homework? What personal fear is being exposed in this moment? If my child does not do his homework, he’ll become irresponsible. School will be difficult, and he will always struggle. We have years of schooling left. Is this what homework will always feel like? What if he doesn’t succeed in school? What does that say about me? Why can’t he just do the homework as he’s told? 

What I also realized is that we live in a culture where conformity is revered. Nothing illustrates this more than our schools. The minute children make choices that do not align with their expectations, they’re deemed a problem. My true fear was: What happens to the kids that don’t conform? This is a bigger reflection that requires a lot more work. But at the end of the day, this one parenting moment helped me tap into to something much bigger, both in me and culturally. 

By using PARR I could clearly see what my son needed and reflect on my own underlying insecurities. Take these opportunities and dig deep. You’ll be surprised to see what you’re holding onto.

Hi, I'm Albiona!

I have over 20 years of experience working with children and families, first as an early childhood educator and currently as a pediatric speech and language pathologist. I’m also a mom of two amazing humans, a writer, and life long learner. My hope is to help parents reframe the way they interpret their child’s behavior while reflecting on their parenting journey.

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Blog Post > “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

• “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

Over the past few weeks I have had many frustrated parents in my office discussing issues that they were having with their child refusing to do homework. Most of the parents I talked to described homework taking hours and ending with everyone frustrated and upset. This is a nightly occurrence and both the child and parent struggle with a solution. The following article from www.empoweringparents.com by Janet Lehman, MSW has some helpful hints that might just end this nightly struggle. — Megan Yaraschuk, M.Ed., PCC

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle by Janet Lehman, MSW

Do you get sucked into a fight over homework with your child every night? So many parents tell me that this is one of their top struggles with their kids. If you’re dealing with this now, you probably dread saying the words, “Okay, time to do your homework,” because you know what’s coming next — screaming, stomping, book-throwing and slammed doors. Or it might simply be hours of dealing with your complaining, whining or non-compliant child or teen who just hates to do the work. Even though you reason, lecture, nag and yell, nothing seems to change — and each night turns into a battle with no victors.

Trust me, I get it. I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It felt overwhelming to me; often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed. Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work and the amount of time required feel unending at times — both to him and to us. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility — but even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives and our expectations to make sure our son turned it in on time.

They Don’t Call It “Homework” for Nothing

Here’s something I learned along the way: homework is work, and there’s no getting around that fact. It’s a chore for both the child and parent. It’s important to understand that schoolwork is often the most difficult part of your child’s busy schedule. Helping your kids manage it despite all the other activities they would rather be doing can be challenging at best. Remember that it’s your child’s job to go to school and learn (including getting homework completed) and your job to provide for your kids, run the house and offer love and guidance to your children.

I know from experience how easy it is to get caught up in power struggles over homework. These struggles begin for several reasons, but the most common one is because your child would rather be relaxing, playing, texting with friends, or doing almost anything else. Know that if you deal with their frustration by losing it and getting mad out of your own frustration, it will be a losing battle. Some kids are even able to manipulate parents this way, because they know the battle over homework may result in your giving up on expectations to get it done.

Here’s the truth: letting your child off the hook for their work will ultimately create problems in their lives. Instead, focus on the fact that as a parent, you need to teach your child how to follow through on expectations and be accountable. All the more reason to take control and make homework just another part of your child’s daily responsibilities.

Here’s my advice for reducing homework hassles in your home:

• Try to stay calm : Try to avoid losing your cool and yelling and screaming, arguing about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz, ignoring the homework altogether or being inconsistent with what you expect, being overly critical, or giving up and just doing the work for your child. The first step is to try to stay as calm as you can. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and is likely not going to help them get the work done.
• Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. Let your children know that you expect them to get the work done on time and to the best of their abilities; the most important thing is that they try their best. Set aside the same time each afternoon or evening for them to do their work. Understand that kids are all different in how they feel about and approach homework. Some may find English easy, but get really frustrated with math. Another may be a science whiz, but have no patience when it comes to writing. It’s important to know your child: their strengths and struggles, and how they learn. Some kids need small breaks throughout a session, while others may need the task to be broken down into smaller pieces and then varied. While there are some children and teens who are self-directed and able to complete homework without assistance, most require some type of guidance and/or monitoring, depending on their age. This makes it especially challenging for parents, because it means you need to perform different functions with each child you have, depending on their needs.
• Have a relationship with your child’s teacher. Try your best to build a good relationship with your child’s teacher. Start off at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationship with your child’s teachers will pay off during the good times as well as the challenging times.
• Play the parental role most useful to your child. Some kids need a coach; others need a “monitor,” while others need more hands-on guidance to complete tasks. Try to match your help with what is most needed. Remember also that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself, your responsibility is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s responsibility to do his or her assignments, and the teacher’s job to grade them.
• Keep activities similar with all your kids. If you have several kids, have them all do similar activities during homework time. Even if one child has less homework or finishes more quickly, they need to be respectful of their siblings by doing quiet, non-disruptive activities.
• Set up a structured time and place for homework. Choose a time and place and stick to a routine as much as possible. Consider adding in break times for kids with shorter attention spans. They might work on their spelling words for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break, for example. Offer snacks to keep kids “fueled” for the work. Keep the house generally quiet for everyone during homework time—turn off the TV (or at least keep the volume down). Make sure your kids have a “space” for doing their work. For some kids this will mean a large work space like a kitchen table to spread out their papers and books, and for others it may mean a small quiet area in their room.
• Start early: Start early with your young children setting up “homework” time, even if it’s just some quiet reading time each night. This helps get them used to the expectation of doing some “homework” each night and will pay off as the actual work gets harder and more time-consuming.
• Offer “Hurdle Help”: Some kids need what we call “hurdle help.” Let’s say your child has big test to study for, but can’t seem to get started. You can help out by running through the first few problems, for example, until he gets the hang of it. Or you might brainstorm with your teen to help her choose a topic for the big paper she has to write. You’re not doing the work for them, rather, you’re helping them get going so the task doesn’t seem so daunting.
• Choose the best person for the job: If you are part of a couple, consider that one of you might be better at “teaching” and then let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. It will likely help the routine become more consistent and effective for your child. If you are a single parent, you might have a friend or family member (an older cousin who’s good at math, or a neighbor who’s a writer, for example) who would consider helping your child from time to time.
• Offer empathy and support. If your child is really struggling, give them some support and guidance and show some empathy. Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may sincerely be struggling with it. If you have a child who is really having a hard time, it’s important to have communication with the teacher to see if this is typical for all kids, or if it’s unique to your child. If your child also has these problems in class, know that there are different approaches to helping them learn that can be useful. The teacher may recommend some testing to see if there are learning problems. While this can be hard to hear as a parent – as if something is wrong with your child – it’s important to find out how your child learns best and what your teacher and you can do to support their learning style.
• Use positive reinforcement and incentives: It’s always important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering some kind of incentive for completing homework or getting good grades. Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. But, it’s also helpful to offer some incentives to encourage them. Rather than money, I would recommend offering rewarding activities for your child’s academic successes. This could include going shopping for some “goodie” the child has really wanted, renting their favorite movie and having “movie night” at home, or other ways of spending special time with a parent. These things can become more meaningful than money for most kids and they get to experience their parent in a loving, supportive and reinforcing role.

Most kids will never really “enjoy” homework, and for some it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders. While it would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down and dug into their homework, this just isn’t going to be the case with most kids. As James often said to parents, “We need to learn to parent the child we have – not the child we’d like them to be.” Our role is to guide our children, support them through the challenging tasks, and teach them about personal responsibility.

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Why I Dislike Homework and How the Research Backs Me Up

This post may contain affiliate links.

Do your kids spend hours a night doing homework?

And I hate it– maybe even more than they do.

Seriously, I’d much rather that my kids get much needed down-time to: play, nap, read, run, swing, dance, twirl, build, create, draw, invent, or design.

Yet I sit inside with them, trying to pretend that I’m enthusiastic and supportive, helping them to stay focused, answering questions that come up. Ugh. (And don’t get me started trying to describe the melt-downs when you have a child with Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD. Homework is that much more of a nightmare.)

Remember when I asked you on Facebook about homework? Most of you didn’t support homework either.

And to be clear, I didn’t care for homework as a fifth grade teacher either. My students rarely had homework unless they didn’t finish something in class. (Lesson to use your time wisely.) No homework meant that they could read, play, do sports, have family time . . .

The majority of research supports no homework. (So does common sense, one could argue, . . . at least, I’d argue anyway.)

Homework Research

1. There is no evidence showing that early elementary homework is beneficial  (Cooper, 1989 a; Cooper, Robinson & Patall, 2006) ASCD  with the exception of  some studies showing correlation on math tests. ( NCTM, 2008 )

2. Too much homework affects a child’s sleep. Lack of sleep negatively impacts brain function. ( Wolfson, 1998 )

3. Homework is detrimental to student achievement and makes children depressed. ( Australian Institute of Family Studies following 10,000 students )

4. Too much homework is not helpful to student achievement. ( Cooper, Civey, and Patall, 2006 .)

5. Mixed research showing homework developing good study habits – some research shows yes, some no.  (Cooper, 1989a, Cooper, Robinson, & Patall, 2006) ASCD  (Kohn, 2006 The Homework Myth.)

6. Time spent on homework for secondary students sometimes correlates to achievement but not with elementary students and not consistently for secondary. (Plude, Enns, and Broudeur 1994) NCTM  and ( Maltese, and Fan, 2012 )

7. Many countries (Japan, Denmark and Czech Republic) with high test scores have instructors who assign no or little homework. (Mullis, Martin, Gonzalez, Kelly and Smith, 1998.)

You’ll find more research on two articles from which I learned the most and synthesize the homework research: Jane Bluestein’s blog and on ASCD .

Recommendations for Homework (if given)

While I’ll always believe that homework should be little to none, IF homework is assigned here are my recommendations.

Homework should:

– be able to be completed independently, without the help of an adult

– have been well-covered in class and is an opportunity to deepen knowledge

– promote mastery of a skill the student hasn’t yet mastered with an engaging task

– be clear and purposeful to the learner

– give students autonomy to learn a topic interesting to them

– be coordinated with other teachers so there isn’t an overwhelming amount

– be differentiated (considering different abilities of the learners, different modalities of learning, etc.)

I think less homework just makes sense. 

But there’s the rub. What’s up with all the homework our kids are assigned?

What do you think?

Have you advocated for less homework in your child’s life? Or would you do so now that you know the research and know you’re not alone? Please elaborate in the comments. 

Melissa Taylor, MA, is the creator of Imagination Soup. She's a mother, former teacher & literacy trainer, and freelance education writer. She writes Imagination Soup and freelances for publications online and in print, including Penguin Random House's Brightly website, USA Today Health, Adobe Education, Colorado Parent, and Parenting. She is passionate about matching kids with books that they'll love.

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40 Comments

[…] by Melissa Taylor, Imagination Soup Do your students spend hours a night doing homework? Mine do. And I hate it- maybe even more than they do. Most of the time they just do it and don’t complain. But I’m complaining! […]

I completely agree with your position about homework. I believe that this is a waste of time that children could spend with profit. After all, a person will become successful only if he do what he likes. Why should a child spend his childhood on stupid homework? Is it not better if he tries himself in different fields, and chooses what he likes. I would really like that when my child goes to school, homework was canceled, and my child could spend his free time on what he likes. Thank you for sharing this article!

Nowadays in Sweden they practice “homework-less” studying. The first results are pretty impressive! No psychological damages for children. Interviews showed that their attitude to school became more positive. We all have to practice it. No more senseless homework for kids.

thanks for sharing!

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Psychology Explains 5 Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

• By Lakeisha Ethans
• Published on September 25, 2022
• Last modified May 21, 2023

Having kids is a full-time job; each period of their life has different struggles. When they are babies, they take up all your time and energy. Then, as they grow up, they become more independent. Because of that, things should become easier in time, right? But all parents know that’s not the case. So, as the children mature, they may develop an aversion to extra schoolwork.

They start having trouble with friends or even dealing with little crushes. But one of the most challenging aspects of a kid’s life is managing school work. In the first few years, it’s fun and easy. Kids can draw, read entertaining stories, learn the basics and make friends. But then, the dreaded homework comes into their lives.  

You might have difficulty understanding why kids hate doing homework as an adult. Memories aren’t always accurate, so you might feel that you never struggled with doing it. But that’s not the case. All parents tend to portray themselves as successful to their kids. Still, saying that you didn’t hate homework is a lie.

Even you dreaded having to do the extra work the day you went to school. And your kids hate it just as much, if not more, because of the added pressure on them. If you don’t believe this to be a fact, you should look at all the psychological data supporting it. So, here are five psychological reasons why kids hate doing homework.  

5 Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

Once you understand why your children don’t feel like more schoolwork, you will be better equipped to assist them.

1 – They are Already Tired And Don’t Want More Schoolwork

Contrary to popular belief, school work shouldn’t be a full-time job. But society still treats it as such. As a result, all students, especially high school students, are busy with schoolwork for at least thirty hours a week. And that’s on the lower end. In the first few years of school, kids have four to five classes daily, often followed by after school.

They start taking six to seven classes daily, extracurricular activities, and homework as they grow older. Hardworking students can study for up to 70 or 80 hours a week. This is crazy when you think that a high paying nine to five job only takes up 40 hours of someone’s week. And they are adults who work to earn money, not just little kids.

Even adults experience this. When they get home from work, they don’t want to hear anything about work for the rest of the day. So, why are we so surprised when kids don’t want to deal with any extra work after a  full day ? It’s insane to think that kids have to spend as much time as a full-time job (or more) to keep up with school. They are young and should have the time to be kids and live their lives.

But when you add the enormous amounts of homework, you can understand why they hate it. Kids are probably exhausted and want to stay in bed or hang out with friends after school. There’s nothing they dread as much as having to deal with even more schoolwork. So, as a result, they have little to no time to relax or even get enough rest.

As a parent, you need to ensure they don’t work themselves to exhaustion. Help them with homework when they are too busy and allow them to relax after school.  

2 – Making Time to Do Their Homework Is Hard

It is essential to understand that kids find it hard to make time to do all their homework. On a typical day, they are expected to attend every class, do chores, hang out with family, and still find time for homework. If you made an adult handle this many responsibilities, they would find it hard to schedule time for everything.

As a kid, you don’t still have enough life experience to know how to be organized. When people start throwing more and more work at a kid, they’ll likely collapse under pressure. Even if your kid is academically inclined, it still doesn’t mean it’s easy for them to juggle doing everything. They might have even liked doing homework at some point when it was easy and short. But, as kids grow up, they will inevitably start hating homework.

Making the time to do homework usually means sacrificing the time to do other activities. Say they had waited weeks to go to a movie with their friends, but now they can’t because they have homework. That’s a sacrifice that’s incredibly hard for them to do. But usually, the parent would force them to choose schoolwork. Of course, they’ll grow to hate doing extra work when that disallows them from having fun. Parents should be wary of this and ensure they help their kids schedule time for school and fun or relaxing activities.  

3 – Homework Can Be Very Boring

Let’s face it; many kids find homework useless and boring. And, in many cases, it can be. Maybe your kid is sure they want to work in a science field, like medicine. But, then, what’s the point of them writing a five-page history essay? Sure, you could argue that it’s for their general knowledge. But that’s not a strong argument, especially when you think they could be doing better things with their time.

And yes, it’s better if they choose to relax after being unable to for a day than to write an essay or do other additional schoolwork. Life is much more than getting straight As; parents should understand that. But they usually don’t, forcing their kids to do even the most useless extra work. Think about it; if someone forces you to do something incredibly boring, you will hate it. But, on the other hand, your kid may not have anything against the Renaissance era.

But they will after having to spend ten hours working on a project about it. Sometimes, too much homework can make kids hate a subject they used to love. For example, they could be fascinated by how the universe works but still refuse to do their physics homework. If that’s the case, you, as a parent, should consider that they find their schoolwork  boring . In that case, please make an effort to make it interesting for them. Or at least give them rewards for doing that tedious work. 

4 – Homework Doesn’t Usually Incentivise Creativity

One of the problems with the school system is that it doesn’t tend to reward creative people. And we’re not talking just about artistry here. That’s also an issue, but some schools try to reward artists. There are even special schools for arts, as you surely know. But on the other hand, some kids hate doing homework because they feel that the homework doesn’t reward their artistry.

A kid who is a great painter might hate doing science homework. But that doesn’t happen to everyone. But what is more common is kids feeling like they can’t be  creative . Teachers think that good homework follows all the rules. But that means that kids who do things their way will never earn a reward. Worse, they might feel shame about going off the beaten path. For example, if they were asked to do an essay and did a beautiful video presentation, they would get an F.

Maybe they put in much more work than other kids. Perhaps they are passionate about videography and want to share this passion with their peers. But in our school system, this behavior is seen as rebellious . So these kids are beaten down until they fit into a box that the school wants them to fit in. Because of this, creative kids will grow to hate doing homework.   

5 – Homework Isn’t Actually About Learning

Homework should be a way for kids to understand concepts they learned in class. If a kid struggles to do homework, the teachers should take the time to help them. Not knowing how to do their schoolwork shows that the kids are struggling and need extra help. Instead, homework is just a significant source of anxiety for most kids.

Students who don’t know how to do their homework might earn a bad grade that could ruin their GPA. Even if that doesn’t happen, they will probably get scolded and shamed in front of the class. Instead of being able to learn from their mistakes, they are taught that errors are unacceptable.

Homework is often just a way for some teachers to assign extra grades instead of being a learning tool.  As a parent, don’t be surprised if your kids hate doing it. Remember that they are probably just scared of messing up. Instead, it would help if you took some time to help them overcome what they’re struggling with.  

Final Thoughts on Some Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

One of the biggest hurdles in a student’s life is doing insane amounts of homework. And schoolwork is probably a significant contention between parents and their kids. So, if you only take one piece of advice from this article, remember to help your child out always. Even if you don’t understand them, do your best to help them.  

There are many psychological reasons why kids hate doing homework. The most common one is that they are already tired after going to school for the day. So, the extra work is nothing but a burden that might not even help them. Not only that but doing it means sacrificing other activities. And, to be honest, homework can be very dull. Kids would much rather do something more interesting, like investing time in their hobbies.

As a parent, also be aware that your homework isn’t about learning and creativity. It’s sometimes just a way for teachers to grade students without much effort. So, if you find that your kid is apprehensive about doing homework, don’t chastise them. Instead, try to help them do it. You can even consider allowing them to skip doing it. Sometimes, it’s much more important for kids to live their lives instead of being locked up inside with a book all day.  

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About the Author

Lakeisha Ethans

Lakeisha Ethans is a compassionate mom of two who believes in the power of positivity, kindness, and empathy to create a positive change in the world. As a Contributing Writer at Power of Positivity, Lakeisha strives to make a difference through her content. Lakeisha holds a degree in Accounting and Business Management and has also pursued her interest in holistic health and wellness by obtaining a certificate in Yoga and Ayurveda.

Driven by her love for writing, she can craft compelling content that deeply connects with her readers. She aims to establish a connection between words and hearts, effortlessly weaving narratives that inspire, inform, and entertain. In addition, Lakeisha is an interior design enthusiast and a gardening fanatic!

She is a widely published relationship and gardening expert and a ghost author of several published books. When she’s not writing, she’s either knee-deep in soil, tending to her beloved plants, looking for ways to spruce up her space, or making memories with her kids!

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

• Homework is done at the same time each night.
• Homework is done in a public area of your house.
• If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
• Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child.  We have done 100% of everything listed in this article.  In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”.  We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work.  He cares about 3 or 4 things.  Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year.  Now he reads, ALL the time.  Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done.  It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done.  We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”.  EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying).  His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse.  If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING.  He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10.  Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia.  His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety.  I’m thinking there is something much more going on.  BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language.  His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”.  He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school.  Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone.  It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities.  What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day.  If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day.  You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.  If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Scott carcione 

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks.  After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun.  This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though. 

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening.  You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter.  Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888 

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities.  You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well.  As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either.  Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations.  Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to  kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question.  You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time.  It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively.  In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle.  Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What?  "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.."  I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice.  Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher).  The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.  

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S.  I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior.  We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort.  It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work.  Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it.  To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work.  Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue.  Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school. 

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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How To Motivate Child To Do Homework (7 Practical Tips)

Kid is on almost every parent’s mind right now.

Getting kids to do homework is not always painful.

In fact, it can be outright fun!

In this article, I will share the secret on motivating your child to not only do homework but also love homework.

Yes, you read it right.

It is possible to love doing school work.

No yelling, screaming, threatening or crying required.

Table of Contents

Why Do Kids Hate Homework

Let’s start with kindergarteners.

For many children, kindergarten is their first formal experience in school.

Kindergarten has changed a lot over the last decade.

Once a place for socialization and play, kindergartens now emphasize the importance of learning to read, to count, to sit still and to listen to the teachers.

Going from playing all day at home to behaving or sitting still in a structured environment for hours at a time is a tough transition.

To add to that, many kindergartens also assign homework to these little children, further reducing their available play time.

It’s no wonder that some kindergarteners are not motivated to do homework.

Homework Motivation

Remember when your child was still a toddler, he/she would get into anything and everything?

They were curious and they were eager to learn about everything around them.

They were passionate learners .

Children naturally love learning, if we provide the right environment and motivate them appropriately.

Here’s the problem…

When you hear the word “motivate”, what do you think of it?

If you’re thinking about toys, money, iPad time, points, stickers, etc., you’re not alone.

Rewards (and sometimes punishments) are many parents’ go-to motivators.

Parents love them because they work almost instantly.

You present the prize and the child complies to get it. Problem solved.

Simple and effective.

But very soon, you will notice some unintended results.

Here is an example.

Some years ago, after a lecture, Professor Mark Lepper was approached by a couple who told him about a system of rewards they had set up for their son, which had produced much improved behavior at the dinner table. “He sits up straight and eats his peas and the Brussels sprouts and he is really very well behaved,” they reported. Until, that is, the first time the family dined at a nice restaurant. The child looked around, picked up a crystal glass from the table and asked, “How many points not to drop this?” A fine example, says Dr. Lepper, of the detrimental effects of over-reliance on rewards to shape children’s behavior. Mark Lepper: Intrinsic Motivation, Extrinsic Motivation and the Process of Learning By Christine VanDeVelde Luskin, Bing Nursery School at Stanford University

This example is far from rare.

In fact, it is very common when a child is motivated purely by an external reward.

Once the reward is removed, the child will no longer be interested in continuing the behavior.

What’s the right way to motivate children ?

The answer is intrinsic motivation.

Intrinsic motivation for kids refers to engaging in an activity for its pure enjoyment.

This enjoyment comes from within an individual and is a psychological satisfaction derived from performing the task, not from an extrinsic outcome.

In other words, to get your kid to do homework, first help them enjoy doing it .

It is not as crazy as it sounds.

It’s unfortunate that homework is called “work”.

We like to separate work from play.

So naturally, we feel that homework is drudgery.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Homework is a tool for children to learn and get familiar with the knowledge taught in class.

To enjoy homework, the child has to enjoy learning .

How To Motivate a Child To Do Homework

To motivate kids, we first change our mindset, from a working mindset to a learning mindset .

The goal of going to school is not about getting into college, finding a good job, earning a stable income, etc.

Of course, all of those are wonderful, but that’s a working mindset – you’re doing all that work for reasons other than enjoying the learning itself.

Going to school is about learning , acquiring knowledge, exploring new subjects and growing as a person.

In the US, the average expected years of schooling is 16.7 years.

If a child doesn’t like school, that will be 16.7 years of misery.

You don’t want that for your child.

But here’s the good news.

If you can intervene early, like in kindergarten or even before kindergarten, your child will be getting off to a good start.

So, convince yourself to change from the working mindset to the learning mindset.

It sounds abstract, but here are 7 tangible steps for moving toward that goal.

1. Stop referring to kid doing homework as your child’s “job”

When you call it a “job”, you are implying that it will be all work and no fun.

Doing that is setting up a child to feel bad even when it’s not.

2. Don’t tell your child, “you cannot play until you finish your homework”

Again, by putting homework in a category separate from play, you are saying that it cannot be enjoyable.

The importance of play cannot be overstated. So make it count.

Tell your child that they can do both (of course, only healthy physical play like basketball or biking, but not watching iPad).

They can decide the order of doing them as long as they do both by the end of the day.

You’d be surprised – giving a child autonomy over their homework schedule is one of the biggest motivators.

3. Don’t use “no homework” as rewards

I once heard that some teachers would give students with good behavior “no homework tonight” as a reward.

I was horrified.

Homework is for practicing what we’ve learned in school.

It helps us understand and remember better.

It’s not a punishment or torture that you need a “break” to feel better.

Don’t give your child the impression that homework is something you want to get away from.

4. Do not nag, bribe or force

Do not nag and do not force your kid to do homework, whether through rewards or punishment.

“But then, how to make kids do homework?” parents wonder.

Don’t make your child do homework. Period.

Forcing or bribing will only backfire and reduce your child’s intrinsic motivation.

The motivation to do homework needs to come from within the child themselves.

5. Let your child face the natural consequences

“But what to do when my child refuses to do homework?” many frustrated parents ask.

When your child refuses to do school work, let them… after you explain why doing homework is important for learning and what may happen in school if they don’t.

Walk them through the natural consequences for not doing homework – they won’t retain the information well and they will need to accept whatever natural consequences in school.

They will have to explain to the teacher why the homework was not done and they may lose some recess time, etc (but first confirm that the school doesn’t use corporal or other types of cruel punishment).

Wait… What?!

You think I should let my child fail?

Well, not doing homework in lower grades is not the end of your child’s academic career.

Think about this, you cannot force or bribe your child through college.

Help them understand the purpose of learning and doing homework now .

You’re helping them make the right decision by letting them understand and face the natural consequences sooner rather than later.

6. Do homework with your child

Don’t tell your kid that homework is important, show them through your action.

Do the homework with them.

You are telling your child you value this so much that you are willing to take the time to do it together. Besides, parental involvement is associated with better school performance.

7. Make doing homework fun and positive

There are many ways to make homework for kids fun.

Let’s take a look at two methods I’ve used and the results.

You can try them or invent your own.

Method 1: Use doing homework as a “reward” (younger kids like kindergarteners)

Wait, you said that using rewards wasn’t good a moment ago.

Now you say, “use homework as a reward”?

Well, I said rewards were bad because you would be implying the activity you’re trying to motivate your child to do was not as good as the reward.

But here, I am using homework as a reward.

I am signaling to my child that doing homework is so good that she needs to “earn it”.

How to earn it?

You can try different things.

We used “If you behave, you can do homework with me. If you don’t behave, you can’t do homework.”

We started at preschool and it worked very well.

Parents who have tried this report good results in motivating their children to do homework, too.

But some of them have concerns…

Some parents are uncomfortable with this idea because it feels manipulative.

That’s because these parents do not believe in the idea that homework can be fun.

So they feel like they’re lying to the child.

But I genuinely like homework! (Yes, I’m officially a nerd)

So I have no problem helping my child learn to love homework like me.

If you are not convinced yourself, you may not want to try this method.

Or if your child is older and already hates homework, it won’t work.

However, although I don’t agree with using manipulative measures in general, I don’t see this particular one harmful to children even if the parents do not like homework themselves.

Method 2: Turn doing homework into a game and a bonding activity

When my daughter was in preschool, I bought colorful homework books and we did them together.

Sometimes we took turns – she did one problem and I did the next and so on.

Sometimes we raced to see who would finish the page faster.

Sometimes I did them wrong intentionally so that my daughter could point out the wrong answers.

It was actually very empowering and satisfying for her to be able to catch Mom’s mistakes!

We celebrated when we both finished or got the right answers.

It was a lot of fun and my kid enjoyed doing that so much.

By the time she started kindergarten, she already loved homework.

In kindergarten, I couldn’t do her homework because, well, that’s her homework.

So I bought homework books that were similar to the ones she brought from school. Then, I did problems alongside her as she did hers.

We still raced, celebrated, and had fun doing it.

The result?

At the beginning of her kindergarten year, my daughter was given two homework books to take home.

The teacher would assign homework from the books every week.

They were supposed to be used for the entire school year.

But my kindergartener liked doing homework so much that she finished it all in one month!

No yelling, screaming, threatening, or crying is required.

Final Word On Motivating Your Kid To Do Homework

Getting your kid to do homework is only the first step in building a good learning habit.

Finishing homework or getting good grades is not the purpose of going to school.

Instill the love of learning in your child early on and your child will benefit for life.

• 1. Ginsburg KR. The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds. PEDIATRICS . Published online January 1, 2007:182-191. doi:https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2006-2697
• 2. Lepper MR, Greene D. Turning play into work: Effects of adult surveillance and extrinsic rewards on children’s intrinsic motivation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . Published online 1975:479-486. doi:https://doi.org/10.1037/h0076484
• 3. Nye C, Turner H, Schwartz J. Approaches to Parent Involvement for Improving the Academic Performance of Elementary School Age Children. Campbell Systematic Reviews . Published online 2006:1-49. doi:https://doi.org/10.4073/csr.2006.4

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.

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The Homework System That Really Works

Adhd and homework mix like oil and water. all of the little details — from writing down assignments to remembering due dates — require intense focus and memory. with these routines, teachers and parents can replace after-school tantrums with higher grades..

Doing homework when you have ADHD is painful. Students have to copy assignments, bring home the right books, and keep track of due dates — all difficult tasks for children with poor focus, attention, or memory.

But can you give your child some homework help? Yes, by creating consistent routines at home and school. While it may take a few months for the new routines to become habits, the payoff will come in better work skills, a sense of accomplishment, and lots of after-school smiles.

ADHD Homework Solutions at School

Allow time to write down homework assignments.

Teachers should post the day’s assignments on the board, and read them aloud to reinforce the information. If attention or language deficits make it hard for some kids to copy down the homework , give everyone a typed assignment sheet to take home.

Establish “study buddies”

Partner children so they can check each other’s assignment books and make sure everything is correct and in the right place. At the end of the day, buddies can help each other pack up the planners and books they’ll need at home.

Create a “completed work” folder

This folder will serve as a reminder for what needs to go back to school. For kids who have trouble remembering their homework, include a sheet for parents to sign once the work is finished and packed in the child’s school bag.

[ Self-Test: Could My Child Have a Learning Disability? ]

Lighten the homework load

Children with ADHD work slowly and can get easily frustrated. Try cutting down their work load by assigning just the odd-numbered math problems, for example. This way, the student can demonstrate what he’s learned without being pushed too hard.

ADHD Homework Solutions at Home

Make sure homework comes home.

If your child has trouble copying down homework assignments, tell his teacher. She may have ideas on how to help him remember, or may be willing to e-mail you the assignments at home.

Have homework time

Some children need to take a break after school while others work best while still in ‘school mode.’ If after-school activities make a regular schedule difficult, help your child’s time management by posting a weekly calendar that lists homework start and end times each day.

Create a homework spot

Find a place where your child can work comfortably. Some background music can help kids focus, but otherwise, keep distractions to a minimum.

Don’t let her procrastinate

Make sure your child understands the assignment and gets started. Stay nearby so you can coach him and offer support.

[ Free Download: Top 5 Homework Frustrations — and Fixes for Each ]

Schedule breaks

Concentration takes a lot of energy for kids with ADHD. A five-minute break every 20 minutes helps them recharge.

How Can Parents Keep Homework Time Positive?

Respect your child’s “saturation point”.

If he’s too tired, stressed or frustrated to finish his homework, let him stop. Write a note to the teacher explaining the situation, and if it happens every night talk to her about reducing the homework load.

Check to see that your child is organized for school and that finished homework is packed in his book bag — and that the bag is placed by the front door.

Praise your child’s efforts

Some kids benefit from a token system: When your child finishes his homework on time, add a star to a chart. The stars can then be redeemed for special privileges or items from a wish list.

[ Read: 15 Tips for Reducing Homework Stress & Finishing Assignments Faster ]

Homework & Studying: Read These Next

How to Cut Homework Time in Half

12 Schoolwork Shortcuts for Kids Who Hate Homework

15 Tips for Reducing Homework Stress & Completion Time

A Homework Reboot: Math Strategies and Writing Tips for ADHD Brains

Adhd newsletter, success @ school, strategies for homework, accommodations, ieps, working with school & more..

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Why Parents Should Not Make Kids Do Homework

P resident Obama’s pick for Education Secretary, John King, Jr., is headed for confirmation Mar. 9. King’s track record shows he loves standardized testing and quantifying learning. If he loves numbers and research, he should welcome what some teachers and families have known for years: that homework at young ages does more harm than good.

We’re currently enmeshed in a high-pressure approach to learning that starts with homework being assigned in kindergarten and even preschool. Homework dominates after-school time in many households and has been dubbed the 21st century’s “new family dinner.” Overtired children complain and collapse. Exasperated parents cajole and nag. These family fights often ends in tears, threats, and parents secretly finishing their kid’s homework.

Parents put up with these nightly battles because they want what’s best for their kids. But, surprise, the opposite is more likely to be true. A comprehensive review of 180 research studies by Duke University psychologist and neuroscientist Harris Cooper shows homework’s benefits are highly age dependent: high schoolers benefit if the work is under two hours a night, middle schoolers receive a tiny academic boost, and elementary-aged kids? It’s better to wait.

If you examine the research—not one study, but the full sweep of homework research—it’s clear that homework does have an impact, but it’s not always a good one. Homework given too young increases negative attitudes toward school. That’s bad news, especially for a kindergartener facing 12 more years of assignments.

Read More: Why You Shouldn’t Do Your Child’s Homework

Children rebel against homework because they have other things they need to do. Holler and run. Relax and reboot. Do family chores. Go to bed early. Play, following their own ideas. Children have been told what to do all day long at school—which is mostly sitting still and focusing on the academic side. Academic learning is only one side of a child. When school is out, kids need time for other things.

Some schools are already realizing this. New York City’s P.S. 116 elementary school made news last year when its principal Jane Hsu abolished homework and asked families to read instead. Individual schools and teachers from Maryland to Michigan have done the same, either eliminating homework in the elementary years or making it optional. But schools also report that if teachers don’t give it, some parents will demand it.

Believers in homework say it teaches soft skills like responsibility and good study habits. That’s another problem with homework in elementary school. Young kids can rarely cope with complex time management skills or the strong emotions that accompany assignments, so the responsibility falls on parents. Adults assume the highly undesirable role of Homework Patrol Cop, nagging kids about doing it, and children become experts in procrastination and the habit of complaining until forced to work. Homework overtakes the parents’ evening as well as the child’s. These roles aren’t easy to shake.

Read More: How Hard Is Too Hard to Push Kids?

When homework comes at a stage when it can academically benefit students, it can also be a student’s responsibility. That means a high school student should be expected to do her homework without being reminded. It may take a year or two of practice in middle school, but it doesn’t require years of practice. Before age 11, responsibility can be taught in other ways. For a 6-year-old, that means remembering to feed the cat and bring home her lunchbox.

If we want students to improve memory, focus, creative thinking, test performance and even school behavior, the answer is not more homework, the answer is more sleep. The National Sleep Foundation reports that our children are suffering sleep deprivation, partly from homework. If we pride ourselves on a rational, research-based approach to education, we must look at the right facts.

Parents often feel stuck with homework because they don’t realize they have a choice. But they do. Schooling may be mandatory, but homework isn’t. Families can opt out. Parents can approach the teacher either about homework load or the simple fact of doing homework at all, especially in elementary school. Many teachers will be more than happy with the change. Opting out, or changing the homework culture of a school brings education control back down to the local level.

That’s another thing the new Education Secretary has promised: to turn more control for education decisions over to states and local school districts. That could spell good news for students – if local teachers and principals do their own homework and read up on what the research says about making kids do school work after school is done.

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‘I love you but I hate you.’ What to do when you can’t stand your long-term partner

(AP Illustration/Annie Ng)

FILE - A couple sits by the lake in Cismigiu park, in Bucharest, Romania on April 24, 2024. (AP Photo/Vadim Ghirda, File)

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It’s often said there is a thin line between love and hate, but is it OK to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s practically necessary.

Asked about the secret to her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said the key includes patience, perseverance and “a really good dose of hatred.”

“All of a sudden you literally want to hate each other. And then the next day, it’s a pretty, sunny day, and the dog does something cute or your child does something cute, and you look at each other and you’re like, ‘Aw, gosh,’” Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after picking up an Emmy Award for her role in “The Bear.” “And you’re on another track.”

Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience moments of what feels like genuine hatred. The difference between couples who last and those who don’t can lie in how they handle their emotions in those moments.

“Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,” said Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of “Am I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth.” “We think we’re supposed to love our partner all the time unconditionally, but that’s not the way it works.”

Yes, you should ‘sweat the small stuff’

Stereotypical annoyances, like leaving the toilet seat up or cluttering the floor with shoes, accumulate when left unaddressed, said Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of “Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.”

This article is part of AP’s Be Well coverage, focusing on wellness, fitness, diet and mental health. Read more Be Well.

To prevent pet peeves from growing into a bigger problem, it’s important to “sweat the small stuff,” said Orbuch, who in her research has followed hundreds of couples over the course of 36 years.

“What starts out as a small, irritating habit becomes, ‘You’re not listening to me. You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not right for one another, and I hate you,’” she said.

Criticizing an issue in the moment, however, isn’t the best approach, Orbuch said. Find a good time and situation to discuss it: away from kids and not right after work, just before leaving for the day or while tired in bed.

Be specific

Orbuch recommended opening the discussion with positives, then using what she called an XYZ statement. For instance, give examples that show you know they are a great partner overall, such as being a wonderful friend or being good to your mother. Then, follow with: when you do X (throw your clothes on the floor) in situation Y (instead of in the hamper), I feel Z (frustrated).

Then follow with: “Can we talk about that?”

Calling out a specific behavior helps your spouse or partner process the issue better than if you had accused them of having a character flaw, such as, “You’re such a slob.”

“We box that person in where they don’t know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,” Orbuch said.

When you can, highlight the loving moments

Greer said a great way to help hateful moments dissipate faster is to build up a reservoir of positive emotions. Take note not only of aspects of your partner that you adore, but also why they make you feel good.

If your partner gives you flowers, for example, instead of simply thanking them, let them know how you felt when you received them. Saying you appreciate the flowers because it showed they had listened to something you needed helps to reinforce those positive emotions, she said.

“When you’re feeling the love, it’s important to label it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a love-you moment.’”

Albert Stumm writes about food, travel and wellness. Find his work at https://www.albertstumm.com .