hugh gallagher essay analysis

Fact Check: College essay won an award, but it wasn't real

An email filling inboxes and circulating around social media touts the funniest, most outrageous "college application essay" ever written.

The facts: It's real. But it wasn't really used to apply for college. It did lead to a writing career.

David Emery, the urban legends researcher for the information website About.com, says that this piece has been around since 1990.

The essay is an answer to a college application question asking for any significant experiences or accomplishments that have helped to define you as a person:

"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks ... I write award-winning operas ... Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. ... I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

"Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. ...

You get the idea. The essay ends:

"I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college."

The email states that the author was accepted and is attending NYU.

The essay was written in 1990 by high school student Hugh Gallagher.

In an video interview with The Wall Street Journal, Gallagjer said he thought it was ridiculous that a college application would ask for an essay about the accomplishments of a 17-year-old, so he decided to have fun with it.

He entered the essay in the humor category of the Scholastic Writing Awards and won first prize, Emery found. The text was then published in Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary student writing, and reprinted in Harper's and The Guardian before taking off as one of the most forwarded viral emails of the 1990s.

Though it was not Gallagher's actual college application essay, he did submit it as a sample of his writing to various colleges. He was accepted under scholarship to New York University, from where he graduated in 1994, according to Emery's research.

Gallagher told the Wall Street Journal that the essay has appeared many places, including dating site profiles.

Gallagher is now a writer in New York; Pocket Books published his first novel, "Teeth," in March 1998.

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This delightful college application essay became a chain letter and a meme, and it took me some time the other year to find the original.  It was written by Hugh Gallagher in 1989, who sent it to at least one college when he applied in ’89, and it won a 1990 Scholastic writing contest.  (You may also know the author as Antwerpian pop sensation VON VON VON  and the author of Teeth .  More from him on his website .)

I repost it here for posterity and formatting, as an additional copy of the OG platinum version  hosted by Prof. Susan Stepney. It has also been published in Harper’s & The Guardian in 1994 & 5, and on Alec Saunders’s blog , where commenters include the niece of one of the author’s NYU profs, and note  heavy reuse  by Kevin Gilbert.

Links to variations are welcome.  Common bits people change include “slurs for Cuban refugees”, “I cook Thirty Minute Brownies”, “scouted by the Mets”, “covert operations for the CIA”, and the last sentence.

2018 update : corrected to the ur-version thanks to Hugh’s comment and Susan’s archive!

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.  

[…] I am a dynamic figure […]

It pleases me most to know that the author, Hugh Gallagher, did actually send this to colleges.

I see that you are not displaying the original text. Yours looks like it has been added to and modified by someone without regard for the flow and humour of the original. Changes like MI5->CIA, being scouted by the METS, translating racial slurs, and cooking 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes, make it a lesser piece.

Anyway, here is the original:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby d|ck, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

drovoum: Gallagher was American, so I don’t know why he would have said MI5. The modified version you first read seems to have been written by Jonathan Butters at Sheffield.

I’ve found a link to Alec Saunders’ excellent blog, which has the best history of this (letter, author) I have seen. Apparently you can find early audio of it as well… time to update the piece.

“30 minute brownies in 20 minutes” I love it, I find the bluegrass cello part right up my alley.

i am at the moment writing a personal statement and this really has inspired me, it dosent matter what the original was, it matters that this person had the artistic temperment to think of such a piece of what is essentially art.

Can anyone who knows SJ count how many of these he has actually done? only needs to be partially modified, which brings me linguistic cosquillas. There is no word for “the tickles” in English, is there?

No, but we do say “the giggles”…

Was he a prophet? The description is very close to what a life of a successful internet marketer looks like…

Wow what an hallucination, or could it be he has he perfected the art of time management through simple time distortion? Either way I like his vision and as a keen bike rider his ability to pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. Ah I remember those days. Thank you. This piece brought a smile to my face and rabid ideas for my diary.

Webmaster of Park PCS10

With the brains curses an appealing information. The conductor properties the expenditure. A sentient smell stumbles. How do a helping lavatory harm? Why can’t a yowl strip the ironic bread toasted? When will the decide performer whistle?

Yes and after three hours in his company everyone hated him

So true! -Ed.

kinda funny, but a little derivative of Carlin’s “Modern Man” poem

Seems very poetic. Can see myself repeating this over and over for good vibes in the morning “I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.” Guy Matt.

The big stake is a gigantic product of cash that you can win in space recreations depending on if you hit the right fusion. Individuals as far and wide as possible have ended up being moment tycoons with space amusements and you might be afterward!

Fusion it is.

Wow he seems to be really great in multi-tasking.

I just now read the essay in my Creative Writing class! I was wondering if anyone knows what the applicant meant by “critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear…” and “last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration”. Maybe it is my poor 8th grade vocabulary, however, I would like some help. I don’t understand his rhetorical strategies… Any suggestions?

I’m glad this is being read in creative writing, he certainly used some creative strategies. Humor through exaggeration, humor through a familiar phrase in an unfamiliar place, reuse of common advertising phrases in unexpected or ridiculous contexts. Good luck!

I really appreciate you, I think glass is very important as we use it for many purposes.

It is quite fun to find this here! This essay was the one that got me into college essay writing.

Hi I’m Hugh Gallagher and I wrote this essay. I am flattered and honored it lives on and is part of your site. Slight heads up tho– your version here has some missing/altered words. The OG platinum version lives online here: https://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/essay.htm

and lots of stuff I’ve done since then lives at http://www.hughgallagher.net

cheers. apply yourself, and the world is yours

Oh, that’s fantastic. Thanks Hugh, delighted to hear from you, and to link to the true source & your current work! I regret that your comment was caught in a spam filter for a bit… another facet of an internet where it’s hard to find originals of things we love.

My friend Mako and I endeavored to spread the love of VON³ around Cambridge a few years back: thanks for continuing to bring light to wayward corners of the world.

Bad Behavior has blocked 380 access attempts in the last 7 days.

How Hugh Gallagher Got Into NYU... (his actual essay)

<p>I dunno if any of you guys have ever come across this, but its supposedly the guy’s actual essay. Haha I think its cool… too bad i wasnt creative enough to come up with something like that…</p>

<p>some extra info if you wanna read up on it: <a href=“ http://www.annonline.com/interviews/980223/biography.html[/url] ”> http://www.annonline.com/interviews/980223/biography.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt ;

<p>The following was taken from an actual application for admission to NYU (New York University)</p>

<p>NYU Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?</p>

<p>Gallagher 's Essay:</p>

<p>I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.</p>

<p>Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.</p>

<p>I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.</p>

<p>Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.</p>

<p>I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.</p>

<p>I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller ‘number nine’ and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.</p>

<p>My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.</p>

<p>I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.</p>

<p>I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.</p>

<p>I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.</p>

<p>But I have not yet gone to college.</p>

<p>Wow, that was pretty hillarious and a very unique (yet ballsy) thing to do. Good for him. Just goes to show that risk taking can pay off.</p>

<p>u know…everyone raves and raves about this essay…i personally do not see why it is so good…stringing a bunch of “creative” sentences together is much easier than writing an actual personal statement…</p>

<p>It’s over-rated. Definitely.</p>

<p>Humor is pretty hard to write effectively.</p>

<p>its so overrated</p>

<p>It’s an incredible essay, but it wasn’t written for admission into NYU. It won the scholastic writing competition in 1990 + was later reprinted in Harpers.</p>

<p>More info here: <a href=“ http://www.annonline.com/interviews/980223/biography.html[/url] ”> http://www.annonline.com/interviews/980223/biography.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt ;

<p>Then why is it described in that article as his college application essay?</p>

<p>Oops, I didn’t post the right link. “This is a copy of an essay that was written by Hugh Gallagher. The urban myth is that is that it was submitted by him for consideration in admission to NYU. The truth is, that this essay earned Mr. Gallagher first place in Scholastic Inc.'s high school writing contest in 1990.”</p>

<p><a href=“ http://www.utdallas.edu/~thib/fm_wav.html[/url] ”> http://www.utdallas.edu/~thib/fm_wav.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt ;

<p>EDIT: HOWEVER, apparently that it was an urban legend, was itself an urban legend: <a href=“ University of York ”> http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/joke/essay.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt ;

<p>Gallagher says he did send it to colleges.</p>

<p>its not even that funny seriously…6 teachers gave me a copy of this essay last week when i asked them for some advice on essays…SIX…its getting annoying…</p>

<p>it may have worked here, but being cute only goes so far in the real world.</p>

<p>I want to meet that kid!</p>

<p>shiet my essays no where as creative as that. mine’s really str8 foward. I hope my very humble essay will suffice.</p>

<p>you ever hear the urban legend about the guy who, in his philosophy final, answered the exam’s only question, “Whis is courage?”, with two words?</p>

<p>This is.</p>

<p>That rocks.</p>

<p>“This is”</p>

<p>i heard that someone wrote “this is” to the college ap question, what’s the biggest risk you’ve taken?</p>

<p>All those stupid replies to papers are ridiculous. Just look up Snopes, there’s a dozen of them. </p>

<p><a href=“ http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/exam.asp[/url] ”> http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/exam.asp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt ;

<p>fack those pple are ingenious</p>

<p>essays make up maybe .1% of NYU’s decision. dont stress.</p>

<p>I got that in class</p>

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Thursday, september 29, 2011, hugh gallagher's "wonder years" college essay, 2 comments:.

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With a first novel on the way, this man has…

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With a first novel on the way, this man has reason to smile Writer: Hugh Gallagher’s isn’t exactly a household name. But for all the anonymity, he’s often quoted. Or, rather, his ‘Essay’ is.

For almost a decade now, his best-known work has been a short essay enclosed with his application to New York University. “The Wonder Years” — better known as “The Mother of All Application Essays” — has been published in Harper’s, read on National Public Radio and acclaimed as an Internet classic. The Essay is still so vivid in people’s memories that the New York Times included an excerpt in a recent front-page article on college applications.

Alas, the reporter did not include Gallagher’s name, as the reporter could not ascertain if the Essay were genuine, although someone at NYU was sure it was. Pretty sure.

“It happens,” Gallagher offers philosophically.

People know the Essay, but they don’t know Hugh Gallagher. One researcher on Internet mythology even tried to prove the whole thing was a hoax.

“Damn it, you’re not supposed to exist!” he told Gallagher. And the author felt bad that he did, after all, exist. That’s the kind of guy Hugh Gallagher is — easy-going, expansive, empathetic, ready to forgo his own existence if it makes your life a little easier.

And why shouldn’t he feel expansive? This day is his 26th birthday, he has a boxed set of Barry White CDs under his arm and his first novel, “Teeth” (Pocket Books, $22), is due out next month. Not many people get to be a Wunderkind twice in one lifetime, but Gallagher has a shot.

“Teeth” isn’t yet available in stores, but the San Francisco Chronicle published a rave review in January. Gore Vidal (he and Gallagher have the same agent) has proclaimed it “the dental masterpiece we’ve all been waiting for.”

There have been dissenting opinions. Booklist said “Gallagher’s exuberant prose style cannot mask the weakness of his plot.” The famously acerbic Kirkus Reviews noted: “Gallagher chews on more than he’s bit off in this puerile bit of self-puffery.”

Such comments seem to bounce off Gallagher. He may be dressed in black from head to toe as he sits down for an interview in his publisher’s office, but he’s sunny and sure of himself. Asked if he lives in Manhattan’s Hell’s Kitchen, he laughs and says: “It’s really more like Hell’s Foyer.”

For the reader fresh from a session with “Teeth,” this blithe

attitude comes as a stark contrast to Gallagher’s protagonist, Neil — a bitter, unhappy writer with a life as rotten as his mouth.

“Teeth” begins and ends in a dentist’s chair. In between, Neil leaves New York and heads for Hollywood, Indonesia and London. He is betrayed by a friend, seduced by Satan in the form of a teen magazine editor and repeatedly told he is perhaps the most brilliant writer on the face of the Earth.

Tapping pop culture

The proof of Neil’s genius is his manifesto-in-progress, “Neil Before God.” Such wordplay is endemic in Gallagher’s world, a pop-culture Alternaverse, as he might dub it. Here, Nile Rivers dies from an overdose in front of the Black Adder, while child star Gertie emerges from rehab to attend Chockapolacka. It doesn’t take much more than a subscription to People or an evening with E! to translate any of the above.

That’s the point, Gallagher says.

“I had a letter from a woman who said she was the most unhip person in the world, and she still got it,” he says. “I wanted to make something so wide open that anyone could decode it.”

As with most first novels, there are overlaps between creator and character. Neil writes for Dusted, Gallagher once worked for Dirt and Wired. Neil audits classes at Washington Square University; Gallagher has an NYU diploma. But Neil never had anything quite like the intense, head-turning fallout from the Essay.

“I was a bit cocky,” Gallagher allows. He was flown to Hollywood to talk sitcoms. He received high-profile free-lance writing assignments. He made spoken word recordings under the name Hugh Brown Shu. He even had groupies, according to the New York Post.

And he attracted the attention of an important agent, Owen Laster of the William Morris Agency. Laster didn’t push Gallagher, just signed him and waited for the work to appear. “Teeth” is dedicated to him.

Not that Gallagher always understood how powerful an agent he had. “Even after I had signed, I was so naive that I told my friends that I had signed with the Philip Morris agency,” he recalls.

Gallagher grew up in Radnor, Pa., the third of four children. He was always serious about his passions, the first of which was jazz drumming.

At age 17, he switched his allegiance to writing. He read Paul Bowles, Henry Miller and Jorge Luis Borges, but his influences also included Celtic mythology, Jungian philosophy and hip-hop. Literature’s just another card in the deck,” he says.

Going to the source

When he decided to write a novel, he looked to his own life for material. It was, of course, a little thin, but most young lives are.

“I’ve done a lot of travel and I’d had some dental work,” he says. He won’t detail how he came to wreck his own teeth, other than to blame an “unsavory” incident, but anyone who has ever had a root canal can vouch for the authenticity of his dental descriptions.

When “Teeth” begins appearing in stores late this month, it will be as if a long drought has ended. Gallagher has been out of print for almost four years — half his writing life — and is anxious to be read again, though he’s not sure what it will be like to publish something with his name so firmly attached.

“I have low expectations, so I think I’ll be OK,” he says cheerfully, stretching his long legs. “Every day, I wake up in this apartment that’s pretty small and I think to myself that I could be waking up in this apartment for a really long time. We’ll see what happens.”

An excerpt from Hugh Gallagher’s essay “The Wonder Years”:

“I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

“… I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

“… I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

“But I have not yet gone to college.”

Pub Date: 2/17/98

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College Admissions Essay by Hugh Gallagher

Last updated on June 25th, 2022

This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humour category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City. Gallagher, who was eighteen at the time, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and attended New York University that fall. I hope you enjoy this College Admissions Essay by Hugh Gallagher.

3A. In order for the Admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. when I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

— The END —

I hope you enjoyed this College Admissions Essay by Hugh Gallagher

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